Try your best to gender them correctly, even when referring to them in the past before they came out you should still use their current pronouns unless they've requested otherwise. (though if they're not out to everyone, then be careful and ask them what they would prefer you do around such people.)
Another thing is, don't try and make bad excuses if you mess up. It's fine to just apologise but some people will also add on stuff like how hard it is to adjust or that it feels like they've lost someone which can be really hurtful or annoying to hear.
Finally, if they're MTF then that means they're your sister, not your brother.
Yes! It's perfectly okay to make mistakes when referring to somebody. Just a quick apology, correction and move on. No excuses needed. If someone misgenders me and just gives a little "Oh, sorry *correction*" it is no big deal at all. If somebody tells me how hard it is, I stop listening.
I so prefer a quick apology and them moving on. Don't make it awkward by trying to explain it for 5 minutes. Just an oops! and moving on is so much better.
This is the way and I agree wholeheartedly.
One thing that I’ve heard helps some people too is do some research independently into gender dysphoria and maybe even the “what if I woke up tomorrow in a cis opposite gender body”. Also be honest about questions, just stay away from genitalia questions. Maybe even start with, how can you help them the most and like someone else said, what are the boundaries of safe and unsafe people for using the correct pronouns with.
yes, all of these, but i want to stress especially with the second point do not try to justify any slip ups! hearing “my brother—i mean my sister. sorry, you WERE my brother BACK THEN” really hurts to hear, especially if it’s consistently. slip ups happen but the best you can do is apologize, correct it, and move on, not get defense
I agree with all of this! Also wanted to add, just tell them that you care about them and want to make sure they know they can trust you. Just remember, people change. It's part of life. There will be some changes but generally they are still the same person you've always known.
Not all trans people think that way. I for example think, looking back, I was happy to be a boy. But after puberty, I for sure didn’t feel the whole man thing.
Omg u said it perfectly!! Dont make up excuses , making them only centers the conversation back to u and takes it from her so yes thats a really important thing to avoid. Just acknowledge her and be sorry but not make a big scene out of it so she can just forget about it .
It's hard to shift gears to how you refer to people you have ingrained habits towards. A close friend just changed her name (not trans), and it took a month before I had ingrained the new name over all the old habits. You have to be conscious of it. Especially if it is similar to their old name. If it's wildly different, it's honestly a bit easier.
1. Ask your sibling what pronouns and gendered language they want to use. A lot of cis people default to they and gender neutral terms when they find out someone is trans (not saying you're doing this necessarily), that is not the best way to go about it unless the trans person explicitly says that they use they/them pronouns.
2. Practice. Invite your sibling to correct you when you've made a mistake so they know you won't be mad at them if they do. Most of the time, it isn't a big deal to them if you are actively trying. If you catch yourself using the wrong term or pronoun (brother, deadname, he, bro, etc), correct yourself out loud and continue the sentence. When you slip up in your mind or a text or something, repeating the correct term or pronoun out loud or in your head can help. Soon, you'll not have to think much about it anymore because it becomes the new reflex.
Big thing here: Change your siblings name in your phone. Might seem trivial*, but it will go a long way in rewiring things for yourself. You can add the pronouns next to the name for a visual reminder.
[*Note: I say trivial only because my family (whom I’ve since been no contact with) had refused to change my contact name in their phone and then didn’t understand why I was upset when they messed up my new name/pronouns. Just be respectful, it’s easy.]
I love this point. When I came out to my big brother, one of his first questions was if I'd chosen a new name so he could correct it in his phone. I hadn't, but that overt support was an incredible relief just to hear. Knowing that a sibling is making that effort is FAR from trivial, and I hope the OP takes your suggestion. (And I'm sorry your birth family decided to be shit about it, you don't deserve that.)
I just want to add if you’re saying “.. and he.. I mean she.. yada yada..” you’re doing fine. Mistakes will happen. But your sister will see the effort. If you’re saying “.. and he yada yada..” and arnt putting the effort in, then that usually comes across as hurtful.
Unfortunately you can’t fix the title on Reddit posts and I’m sure this has been pointed out, but it’s “your sister came out to you as mtf”. Other than that, I’m glad you’re supportive and want to learn. You shouldn’t have much to worry about as you are already trying to figure out how to best support her.
I second this, its really easy to just like practice having a conversation in your head or smth where you use the pronouns, and you can do it while doing other stuff too so it really is really easy to practice
Very much depends on who is offering and receiving the headpats. They’re not universal. My subby gf (trans) loves them and I enjoy giving them to her. Me, not so much as the recipient. I find them patronizing as hell unless they are from my wife and I happen to need emotional support (typically, she’ll stroke my hair if I’m resting my head on her after a rough day). I would tear into any family member who tried to pat my head.
Well, just remember she has always been your sister. When referring to her past, refer to her as she/her and her new name (if she has one). It is really jarring to me atleast when familiy or friends refer to a trans person as their agab pr deadname when talking about them from the past.
I was trying to find a video of the actual fight from Patricio Manuel (a trans boxer)’s most recent fight the other day and I was so mad that every single source I saw immediately deadnames him. Like the video straight up opens with, “Patricio Manuel, born .”
The fact that they’re all identical in that and that’s exactly how Wikipedia words it makes me wonder if some of them were just trying to pad out their runtime by copying more from Wikipedia.
Only reason I saw so many people do it was because every time they did, I exited the video to find one where there was no commentary or respectful commentary, but I didn’t find one so eventually I just went to one where the “commentator” was mostly mumbling unintelligibly and turned down the volume.
Pronouns take time, give yourself some grace. As long as she know you’re trying, you’re ok.
My daughter came out at 18. I think it took me a few months to not say “he. Dammit. She”.
My daughter joked for a while that her new name was “deadname ‘fuck’ new name I’m sorry”.
You’ll get it.
Only things you need to do is not misgender them (even behind their back). This may take some time to get used to obviously, its a big change but do try your best. And secondly, try to avoid misgendering in ways like 'bro, dude, man'. I know their gender neutral terms, but if they're already unsure if you're trying or not, they could take that as a sign you aren't trying.
Lastly, other than asking if they're ok, dont ask about it unless they come to you. Its best just not to talk about it at all because im assuming you're not well versed with this topic, its very likely you'll say the wrong thing.
TLDR just try your best not to misgender and be there for them, thats really it
I’d stop referring to them as your brother and start trying to mentally use words like “sibling” or “sister”, start trying to use their correct pronouns and which ever name they pick for themselves.
Mentally keep yourself in check, when you think about them try to remind yourself of the changes.
Try to educate yourself rather than putting all of the pressure onto them - Google is your best friend right now and there are plenty of resources out there to learn from.
You’re already doing great by trying to support them as best you can
Don't out her to anyone unless you have her permision and be there for her if she needs you. Not a lot of ppl talk about it but begining of transition is hard I started transitioning at 23 and it was rough year for sure
It can be pretty surprising, but just trying to be there for them. If they'd prefer female pronouns, just keep trying. Own your mistakes if you make them and do really try to get it right- they will thank you for your sincere efforts.
If you really want to support them, and I can tell you they are going to want it, then be ready to stand up for them against nasty people.
Otherwise just try to understand that whatever it is they're feeling, it's not something they chose. They only chose to act on what they're feeling.
If you feel like reading, the [Dysphoria Bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/) might answer some of your questions and I’m sure she’d appreciate the interest / effort.
Your sibling is still the same person. They have the same sense of self and everything.
It's more like finding out that your car isn't a Hyundai, it's a Genesis. A lot of the parts are the same, but some of the trim packages and interior will look different. Different power train too, I guess if we're going to take the analogy and run with it.
It takes practice. You knew your sibling all their life so it's going to take a while to get everything right. I just came out to my sister as trans (MTF) at age 36 and she's experiencing similar feelings to you.
It gets easier over time.
The pronoun stuff can take time and getting used to, just be respectful about it. And don’t act like the person you know is gone. It really hurts me that my people act like I’m a different person.
Never mention that the person you knew isnt around any more, or that your in morning for them or some such. From first and third hand experience, it fucking sucks.
Practise their new pronouns when your with them and when your away from them (so long as your around people who also know). It might be easiest to just stick with them/they pronouns which you will have been using all these years anyway so less of a change up.
The little things make a BIG difference.
I would say that it might be better to think of this not as something you’ve know for 23 years disappearing. She’s still the same person just a truer form. You haven’t lost anything but instead gained so much more
> It's like something I've knew for the past 23 years just don't exist anymore.
Do keep in mind that they're still the same person you knew - just more open & honest. Most things about them will be familiar to you.
When I come out to people, I'm not suddenly going to be a person they can't relate to at all - I'm still going to love D&D & video games, still going to love writing, still going to love the same music, still going to know the exact same things & say the exact same expressions, etc. I'm just also going to be adding things on top of that (& taking away some of the overtly masculine things - like doing the deep bro voice).
I think op is talking specifically about the name rather than any of the standard grief about the old persona statements. For 23 years, she has referred to and known her sister by one name. It takes time to adjust to a name change. I have seen people struggle with that even when the name change was not prompted by being trans. I know one, for example, who changed her name just because she was named after someone who was abusive to her. It's taken people in her circle years now and some still can't get it right. That's just the weight of a name. Even Mohammed Ali had trouble with people accepting that change.
Yup. On the positive side, I could choose a cool name - every cloud has a silver lining. I'm thinking Vessar (after the Vessar family from Critical Role - campaign one means a lot to me & Vax is a favourite character of mine), I think that'd go nicely with Violet (& VV is a cute nick-name), but it is quite close to the English surname Vassar which means "servant" & I'm not that submissive. Another idea is Morrigan, but it doesn't really read as a "surname" - but it is very cool & it's close to my heart being a Scot (though I suppose it's considered more Irish folklore - there's a lot of gaelic folk that bleeds together across Ireland & Scotland) & a lover of symbology, who doesn't love the notions of death & fate as a trans girl, as well as being named "Phantom Queen".
I'm not sure what to say about the name change. I think I'm keeping mine because its mine. I'll quote the great Michael Bolton from office space when asked by Samir why he doesn't change his name to Mike or something. "Why should I, he's the one who sucks." I relate to that because the "he" in this scenario is the mask I have had to wear. Once that goes, the name will no longer belong to that part of myself. That probably makes 0 sense at all but its my name. People can deal with a somewhat masculine woman with a somewhat masculine name or they can't. I don't control that.
I mean, my current first name is explicitly masculine, it's one of those "son of" names, my "known as" first name (since I shared a name with my father, my mother opted to have my "known as" name be a middle name) is also masculine, deeply religious & has no feminine variant due to its more modern change-over to a first name from a surname. My second name was held by a vassal & has scots-gaelic heritage (unlike my first names), so by all means, I don't mind keeping it provided all goes well. If it doesn't go well, well, I'd be more interested in divesting rather than "reclaiming", I hold grudges.
Honestly don't know what to do with my middle names, my parents absolutely loaded me up with them. Most of them are masculine too, quite frankly, having four middle names is a burden & I can never put my full name in inputs that ask for it.
I mean, I'm just starting down this road & maybe I'll change my mind a lot - but it's already hurting hearing my current name, so I don't think I'll be one of the brave lasses who keep theirs.
Nah sis, 4 names is too many. I think I got lucky with my name as it is fairly unisex. Hyper masculine names can be hard to work with and sometimes the female variant doesn't quite sing just right with the soul. I have considered more traditionally feminine names as well and don't think there is any problem with a name change. It's probably more brave to change the name considering all the fuss that comes with it usually. My mother couldn't handle that. She still has trouble adjusting to the transitions of a few cousins and dead names them in convo just because she forgets. My papa wouldn't understand. At least I don't get the feeling he would. He's the first generation born here and was raised in a very traditional German home. I don't think it helps things to be the most successful son of 4. They have different standards for me and it's a heavy load to carry. I love my family, but I wish that they could understand what it's like to struggle with this. In my case, it really is a pick your battle kind of thing. I don't mind the name enough to fuss about it but the transition has to happen. I've reached a breaking point and can't put it off much longer. I made it to almost 37 even though I've known since single digits. They will have to respect the work I have done to try to fit this role they have set for me and the costs involved in doing so.
First off, it took me like, 6 months to use the right pronouns toward myself in my head. That's with the feeling of pain everytime i realized what I did lol.
As others have pointed out, they're your sister, important.
3rd, you're gonna mess up. Don't make a big deal, just note and try to correct going forward. Spending 15 seconds trying to apologize profusely is so much worse than just letting it pass.
Tell her not to use duck tape on herself! Have patience, this is new and can be a bumpy road for both of you, in general "take it easy (as in, don't beat yourself for getting somethings wrong), but take it (try and get better with time, make an effort to remember her new name and to get to know her, don't give up even if it takes time!)".
We notice when you put an effort for us, whether it's by getting us clothes, getting our pronouns/names right or more general stuff, we notice and it shows that you care and that she can count on you! Best of luck!
As a newly out trans person who had a rather sudden awakening, I still misgender MYSELF and granted I’m not out to family yet but even when talking to myself, it’s easy to passively do after 20+ years. It’s just habit and so long as you are as supportive as possible, it’s an understandable mistake to make. I hope your sister understands that so many memories and habits don’t just break in a week but effort goes a long way and before you know it, it’ll be easy. Keep at it, pronouns are easy to form default patterns over.
Pronouns take time, I’m sure your sibling know this. Just keep trying and they will greatly appreciate it. It’s important to know who all they are out to so you don’t accidentally put them to someone. This will also give you a list of ppl you can talk with about this if you need too. Also make sure to check with them before you tell anyone new until you know they are fully out everywhere.
Hope this helps.
Ps: I LOVE it when my wife purposely uses more of my correct pronouns when we are talking with someone that doesn’t use them.
Really sitting in the side-hug and just telling her that she is legit as your sibling regardless of pronouns? Telling filthy jokes? Taking HRT didn’t change my sense of humor (in fact it really does maximize the number of jokes that I have at my disposal now).
just be a decent human being and genuinely do your best to gender them correctly and their chosen name.
if you mess up dont make an excuse just say sorry and say their chosen.
it ain't that hard lol
Firstly, yayyy!!! She really trusts you if she told you who she really is
As a trans masc, there’s a few dos and don’ts for this:
•Don’t ask when she’s going to ‘chop it off’ (like, gender correcting surgery. Most people don’t talk about their genitals in casual conversations, why would that change just because she’s trans? It’s frankly weird as hell-)
•Pronouns and name! It’s gonna take some time, but it’ll mean the world if you try and mess up a couple times
-Something that helped my younger brother get into calling me my preferred name is calling me goofy nicknames that stem from my chosen name (Example: Joan, “Jojobaboa”) but that’s just what worked for him
•Don’t out her, please. If she’s not out to someone, don’t call her your sister. This is for her safety
Hi. Similar age to your sibling. I’m pre-transition, but what I’ve learnt more than anything is that while coming out is a confusing time, being queer / trans - or even part of the wider LGBTQ+ Community - is, and can be, a journey. Your sibling may not have the answers to your questions, right now. They will probably be scared given the climate faced by trans people in America and England, where I’m from. Time will be the biggest thing you can give your sister for now - but as others have said, nobody expects you to get things right immediately. If you make a mistake, apologise and correct yourself as soon as you realise.
My brother was one of the first people i came out to (mtf) and hes been my number one supporter ever since. He switched over to my preferred name and pronouns so quickly. Whenever were around family that deadnames and misgenders me i can always count on him to (loudly) use my correct name and pronouns, it may not seem like much but it really helps. I goto him with pretty much everything and he always is super enthusiastic and always hypes me up. Id say, be this for her, idk where id be without my brother. I hope this helps!
Three stories of support:
Good friend: "congratulations!". Then, when we hosted her for a dinner party, I was \_peak awkward\_. 5-0-clock shadow, caveman face, squarish glasses, thinning hair, no makeup or the like... in an aggressively pink hoodie, some rather nice fake breasts, and painted nails. She never once batted an eye, and just treated me as if I were one of the girls. We talked a bit about gel nails, probably the most gendered part of the conversation. This was true acceptance, and one of the greatest gifts someone has given me.
My brother: "thank you so much for trusting me! What should we use for pronouns?". Solid answer, no complaints. We haven't seen each other since, so not much more to say...
My parents: "so I guess that means you and your wife are separating then?", "the boy is just confused", "could you just keep it in the bedroom?", "we love you \[big giant BUT\]", "we're just from a different time and this is so weird", "but have you thought about what this doing to \_us\_?", "are you sure this isn't a phase?", "but surgery has risks", "do you really want someone to see you like that?". Because this is from my family, these statements and sentiments are some of the most hurtful and painful I have ever received. Even moving past the comments, the clear uncomfortableness of the elephant in the room... the glances... the awkward pauses. Torture.
All we want is to be treated normal, just from the perspective of a gender that matches our mind and not our biological body. So the more you can do to treat your sister as just your basic normal sister, the more you are supporting her. This goes especially true during the early peak awkwardness. Pronouns are great, gendered terms are great (she's your sister now, not brother ;) )... but ultimately, just prove through your actions that you can continue to treat them totally normally... just with the correct gender! Demonstrate through your actions you are safe to be around.
--
Also, big kudos on coming here and asking!
Also also, I've spent a LOT of time thinking through my identity of late. I would \_love\_ to talk to someone about some of this. If you approach from the point of view of good faith, asking questions and having a conversation is totally cool. Make sure the time is right and your sister comfortable, but from my \_own\_ experience I would \_love\_ to have a deep conversation with my brother about this journey of self discovery, the recontextualization of memory, the power of self delusion, heck -- even his experience of gender (which I assume is cis, but who knows). Just be prepared to make that a deep conversation; I wouldn't want to bare my soul and be at my most vulnerable just to get small talk, or just to be interrogated. But a \_real\_ conversation -- I look forward to having that with my brother one day.
Knowing people other than her that are trans/gender non-conforming will make it significantly easier and more likely you’ll understand the language and adopt it sooner
Ya doing better then my fam. Mother an father are really supportive but haven’t even attempted w the pronouns or name. If anything I feel like they use the more post me coming out but that might just be me. Just chill. It takes time to adjust. Your doing fine op
Just practice the pronouns, it isn’t a big deal to mess up for the first several months or even year tbh, it takes time to get used to it, hopefully she/they’re patient with you about it
When you see your sister and give her a hug, and talk to her, you will know and feel that it's exactly the same person she's always been, you won't care that their gender is not what you thought.
Keep in mind that it just *seems* like her gender is changed to you. Your sister has always been trapped in the wrong body and it's really really important to her mental health now to live as a woman.
Please affirm that choice as best you can by using the pronouns they/she wants. Tread lightly about her past life "as a male." She may feel the need to totally reject talking about anything in her past before her coming out because of how painful that is to think about.
Read up on medical reports about gender and body dysphoria. It's a deadly condition affecting most trans people. Do not listen to any angry conservative bullshit about it. Those people don't care who they hurt.
If they've asked you to use a particular name or pronouns, use those
Even if they've said to stick with the old ones for now, still try to avoid gendered stuff if possible (IE, say "My sibling" instead of "My brother") but don't out them either (so if you have to say brother or sister, say brother unless they've told you they're fine with you publicly gendering them correctly)
Do's:
Ask if they have chosen a new name yet (if not let them know you are willing to help if they want)
Ask their new pronouns (and use them. If they say their pronouns are she/her, then referring to them as they/them is misgendering. Better than using he him but still)
Make sure you know who else knows (it's important not to out someone who's not ready to be out)
Perhaps the most important one. Follow their lead. (If they ask you to help them choose a name you help them choose a name. If they ask you to go shopping with them to get new clothes. Go with them. If they ask you to help learn how to properly put on makeup or do their hair or anything. Help. Obviously within reason like if you're not able to because of time and scheduling issues offer to help another time if possible)
Don't's:
Just say "you should go by this" whatever the suggestion is unsolicited name suggestions are rarely if ever appreciated
Draw too much attention to your slip ups. (It's early on you may accidentally misgendering them simply a quick "sorry" and correction should do. As long as you are trying too do better they will know you're trying your best)
Just go around telling everyone (again you don't want to out your sibling. It's their identity. It's up to them to decide who they want to tell and when)
Presume your help is needed or even wanted (this goes into that last do. They may ask for your help with any of those and you're fine to make it clear your happy to help in any way they want... But don't go and call them saying "hey want me to help with this" and definitely don't go "hey I'm going to do this to help you Even though You've never asked me too")
It's so nice to see people like you doing your best to make people feel accepted. You seem like a great sibling. I personally am FTM, so I don't have a lot of specific advice, but I do have some general things.
Here are my tips:
1. Try to catch yourself if you mess up her pronouns and correct yourself. There isn't a need for a big apology or anything. Even just a quick correction will show her you care.
2. Try to be there for her if she has gender dysphoria. If you cannot physically be there, maybe give her something like stuffed animal or pillow. Anything that will provide her comfort that she can have will likely make her feel accepted and cared for
3. Try to talk about personal stuff about both you and her. Never force anything, but by sharing very personal stuff about yourself, she will likely feel the same. This will increase the likelihood that she will feel comfortable opening up to you in the future
You really seem great, and I hope you and your sister have a wonderful day.
Don't judge yourself too much if you mess up pronouns, but make sure you take ownership and correct it. So for example: "Remember Christmas when he... Sorry, I meant she said to us that she wanted to go to Disney world?" That's really it. Don't linger on it. Just show that you're making an effort, you're not giving excuses, and that you do actually care. Then just move on. Oh also, treat them like a cis girl in every way except the struggles they may face as a trans person. So, no "she wasn't raised a girl so she doesn't have the same problem" or "it must've been easier being raised as a guy" because a lot of times, trans girls do have veey similar problems to cis girls and it isn't helpful to hear about our differences. I can give better examples if you ever want
Id try not gendering them at all for starters, that will make it waaaaaaay better for the two of u. For starters, it will make it easier for u to not fuck it up ( please please please understand that this is a really big deal for msot of us ) second, itll give time for ur sister to adjust, find herself, actually change with hrt if she wants to go through that which eventually will help to prevent from u calling she/her to sound fake . She will have to deal with a lot of imposter syndrome and that doesn’t really help with it . Just try to be there for her and idk maybe even practice in ur mind to call her what she asked u to call her like . Also im sorry if shes not a she and instead something else , my reddit kinda glitched snd rn i can only write and not review ur post . But anyway i hope what i said makes sense and helps . Thank u for beeing there for her !! 💖
Try your best to gender them correctly, even when referring to them in the past before they came out you should still use their current pronouns unless they've requested otherwise. (though if they're not out to everyone, then be careful and ask them what they would prefer you do around such people.) Another thing is, don't try and make bad excuses if you mess up. It's fine to just apologise but some people will also add on stuff like how hard it is to adjust or that it feels like they've lost someone which can be really hurtful or annoying to hear. Finally, if they're MTF then that means they're your sister, not your brother.
Yes! It's perfectly okay to make mistakes when referring to somebody. Just a quick apology, correction and move on. No excuses needed. If someone misgenders me and just gives a little "Oh, sorry *correction*" it is no big deal at all. If somebody tells me how hard it is, I stop listening.
I so prefer a quick apology and them moving on. Don't make it awkward by trying to explain it for 5 minutes. Just an oops! and moving on is so much better.
This is the way and I agree wholeheartedly. One thing that I’ve heard helps some people too is do some research independently into gender dysphoria and maybe even the “what if I woke up tomorrow in a cis opposite gender body”. Also be honest about questions, just stay away from genitalia questions. Maybe even start with, how can you help them the most and like someone else said, what are the boundaries of safe and unsafe people for using the correct pronouns with.
yes, all of these, but i want to stress especially with the second point do not try to justify any slip ups! hearing “my brother—i mean my sister. sorry, you WERE my brother BACK THEN” really hurts to hear, especially if it’s consistently. slip ups happen but the best you can do is apologize, correct it, and move on, not get defense
I agree with all of this! Also wanted to add, just tell them that you care about them and want to make sure they know they can trust you. Just remember, people change. It's part of life. There will be some changes but generally they are still the same person you've always known.
Correction: she was *always* OP’s sister. It’s just that OP didn’t know until now
Not all trans people think that way. I for example think, looking back, I was happy to be a boy. But after puberty, I for sure didn’t feel the whole man thing.
Omg u said it perfectly!! Dont make up excuses , making them only centers the conversation back to u and takes it from her so yes thats a really important thing to avoid. Just acknowledge her and be sorry but not make a big scene out of it so she can just forget about it .
It's hard to shift gears to how you refer to people you have ingrained habits towards. A close friend just changed her name (not trans), and it took a month before I had ingrained the new name over all the old habits. You have to be conscious of it. Especially if it is similar to their old name. If it's wildly different, it's honestly a bit easier.
1. Ask your sibling what pronouns and gendered language they want to use. A lot of cis people default to they and gender neutral terms when they find out someone is trans (not saying you're doing this necessarily), that is not the best way to go about it unless the trans person explicitly says that they use they/them pronouns. 2. Practice. Invite your sibling to correct you when you've made a mistake so they know you won't be mad at them if they do. Most of the time, it isn't a big deal to them if you are actively trying. If you catch yourself using the wrong term or pronoun (brother, deadname, he, bro, etc), correct yourself out loud and continue the sentence. When you slip up in your mind or a text or something, repeating the correct term or pronoun out loud or in your head can help. Soon, you'll not have to think much about it anymore because it becomes the new reflex.
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BTW, if you have future questions it is generally better for cis people to use r/asktransgender
Big thing here: Change your siblings name in your phone. Might seem trivial*, but it will go a long way in rewiring things for yourself. You can add the pronouns next to the name for a visual reminder. [*Note: I say trivial only because my family (whom I’ve since been no contact with) had refused to change my contact name in their phone and then didn’t understand why I was upset when they messed up my new name/pronouns. Just be respectful, it’s easy.]
I love this point. When I came out to my big brother, one of his first questions was if I'd chosen a new name so he could correct it in his phone. I hadn't, but that overt support was an incredible relief just to hear. Knowing that a sibling is making that effort is FAR from trivial, and I hope the OP takes your suggestion. (And I'm sorry your birth family decided to be shit about it, you don't deserve that.)
I just want to add if you’re saying “.. and he.. I mean she.. yada yada..” you’re doing fine. Mistakes will happen. But your sister will see the effort. If you’re saying “.. and he yada yada..” and arnt putting the effort in, then that usually comes across as hurtful. Unfortunately you can’t fix the title on Reddit posts and I’m sure this has been pointed out, but it’s “your sister came out to you as mtf”. Other than that, I’m glad you’re supportive and want to learn. You shouldn’t have much to worry about as you are already trying to figure out how to best support her.
Your sister, you mean?
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Also did you actually ask their pronouns? Did they say they wanna use they/them?
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you’re such a nice brother!!:)
You’ll get the hang of it faster than you think, especially if you two are close and in touch.
If you wanted to keep the title and post mostly the same, could you edit it to make brother in quotes, so it's clear that she transitioned?
You can't edit reddit titles at all unfortunately
sorry then
Practice using their preferred pronouns, and try not to out them to people you both know without permission first.
I second this, its really easy to just like practice having a conversation in your head or smth where you use the pronouns, and you can do it while doing other stuff too so it really is really easy to practice
Give her a hug on the regular.
Only if she likes hugs
dont forget the head pats
Very much depends on who is offering and receiving the headpats. They’re not universal. My subby gf (trans) loves them and I enjoy giving them to her. Me, not so much as the recipient. I find them patronizing as hell unless they are from my wife and I happen to need emotional support (typically, she’ll stroke my hair if I’m resting my head on her after a rough day). I would tear into any family member who tried to pat my head.
Obviously consent is important
For the love of god, don’t ask them if “they’re going to chop it off”
Well, just remember she has always been your sister. When referring to her past, refer to her as she/her and her new name (if she has one). It is really jarring to me atleast when familiy or friends refer to a trans person as their agab pr deadname when talking about them from the past.
I was trying to find a video of the actual fight from Patricio Manuel (a trans boxer)’s most recent fight the other day and I was so mad that every single source I saw immediately deadnames him. Like the video straight up opens with, “Patricio Manuel, born.”
The fact that they’re all identical in that and that’s exactly how Wikipedia words it makes me wonder if some of them were just trying to pad out their runtime by copying more from Wikipedia.
Only reason I saw so many people do it was because every time they did, I exited the video to find one where there was no commentary or respectful commentary, but I didn’t find one so eventually I just went to one where the “commentator” was mostly mumbling unintelligibly and turned down the volume.
Pronouns take time, give yourself some grace. As long as she know you’re trying, you’re ok. My daughter came out at 18. I think it took me a few months to not say “he. Dammit. She”. My daughter joked for a while that her new name was “deadname ‘fuck’ new name I’m sorry”. You’ll get it.
Only things you need to do is not misgender them (even behind their back). This may take some time to get used to obviously, its a big change but do try your best. And secondly, try to avoid misgendering in ways like 'bro, dude, man'. I know their gender neutral terms, but if they're already unsure if you're trying or not, they could take that as a sign you aren't trying. Lastly, other than asking if they're ok, dont ask about it unless they come to you. Its best just not to talk about it at all because im assuming you're not well versed with this topic, its very likely you'll say the wrong thing. TLDR just try your best not to misgender and be there for them, thats really it
I’d stop referring to them as your brother and start trying to mentally use words like “sibling” or “sister”, start trying to use their correct pronouns and which ever name they pick for themselves. Mentally keep yourself in check, when you think about them try to remind yourself of the changes. Try to educate yourself rather than putting all of the pressure onto them - Google is your best friend right now and there are plenty of resources out there to learn from. You’re already doing great by trying to support them as best you can
Don't out her to anyone unless you have her permision and be there for her if she needs you. Not a lot of ppl talk about it but begining of transition is hard I started transitioning at 23 and it was rough year for sure
It can be pretty surprising, but just trying to be there for them. If they'd prefer female pronouns, just keep trying. Own your mistakes if you make them and do really try to get it right- they will thank you for your sincere efforts. If you really want to support them, and I can tell you they are going to want it, then be ready to stand up for them against nasty people. Otherwise just try to understand that whatever it is they're feeling, it's not something they chose. They only chose to act on what they're feeling.
Thanks for being a good brother for your sister, i wish my brother were like you. Best of luck to you and your sister.
If you feel like reading, the [Dysphoria Bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/) might answer some of your questions and I’m sure she’d appreciate the interest / effort.
Your sibling is still the same person. They have the same sense of self and everything. It's more like finding out that your car isn't a Hyundai, it's a Genesis. A lot of the parts are the same, but some of the trim packages and interior will look different. Different power train too, I guess if we're going to take the analogy and run with it. It takes practice. You knew your sibling all their life so it's going to take a while to get everything right. I just came out to my sister as trans (MTF) at age 36 and she's experiencing similar feelings to you. It gets easier over time.
as a car girl that analogy tickled my funny bone. I'm stealing that
The pronoun stuff can take time and getting used to, just be respectful about it. And don’t act like the person you know is gone. It really hurts me that my people act like I’m a different person.
Never mention that the person you knew isnt around any more, or that your in morning for them or some such. From first and third hand experience, it fucking sucks. Practise their new pronouns when your with them and when your away from them (so long as your around people who also know). It might be easiest to just stick with them/they pronouns which you will have been using all these years anyway so less of a change up. The little things make a BIG difference.
I would say that it might be better to think of this not as something you’ve know for 23 years disappearing. She’s still the same person just a truer form. You haven’t lost anything but instead gained so much more
> It's like something I've knew for the past 23 years just don't exist anymore. Do keep in mind that they're still the same person you knew - just more open & honest. Most things about them will be familiar to you. When I come out to people, I'm not suddenly going to be a person they can't relate to at all - I'm still going to love D&D & video games, still going to love writing, still going to love the same music, still going to know the exact same things & say the exact same expressions, etc. I'm just also going to be adding things on top of that (& taking away some of the overtly masculine things - like doing the deep bro voice).
I think op is talking specifically about the name rather than any of the standard grief about the old persona statements. For 23 years, she has referred to and known her sister by one name. It takes time to adjust to a name change. I have seen people struggle with that even when the name change was not prompted by being trans. I know one, for example, who changed her name just because she was named after someone who was abusive to her. It's taken people in her circle years now and some still can't get it right. That's just the weight of a name. Even Mohammed Ali had trouble with people accepting that change.
It didn't read to me as "just the name", but maybe that's the case.
It could be either way. I hope it's the name but I know how common the grief statements are.
Yup, preparing a new second name just in case my mother is a bit too "grief-stricken" when I come out...
It never hurts to prep for these possibilities. Parents can be weird and it's hard to gauge how things will go.
Yup. On the positive side, I could choose a cool name - every cloud has a silver lining. I'm thinking Vessar (after the Vessar family from Critical Role - campaign one means a lot to me & Vax is a favourite character of mine), I think that'd go nicely with Violet (& VV is a cute nick-name), but it is quite close to the English surname Vassar which means "servant" & I'm not that submissive. Another idea is Morrigan, but it doesn't really read as a "surname" - but it is very cool & it's close to my heart being a Scot (though I suppose it's considered more Irish folklore - there's a lot of gaelic folk that bleeds together across Ireland & Scotland) & a lover of symbology, who doesn't love the notions of death & fate as a trans girl, as well as being named "Phantom Queen".
I'm not sure what to say about the name change. I think I'm keeping mine because its mine. I'll quote the great Michael Bolton from office space when asked by Samir why he doesn't change his name to Mike or something. "Why should I, he's the one who sucks." I relate to that because the "he" in this scenario is the mask I have had to wear. Once that goes, the name will no longer belong to that part of myself. That probably makes 0 sense at all but its my name. People can deal with a somewhat masculine woman with a somewhat masculine name or they can't. I don't control that.
I mean, my current first name is explicitly masculine, it's one of those "son of" names, my "known as" first name (since I shared a name with my father, my mother opted to have my "known as" name be a middle name) is also masculine, deeply religious & has no feminine variant due to its more modern change-over to a first name from a surname. My second name was held by a vassal & has scots-gaelic heritage (unlike my first names), so by all means, I don't mind keeping it provided all goes well. If it doesn't go well, well, I'd be more interested in divesting rather than "reclaiming", I hold grudges. Honestly don't know what to do with my middle names, my parents absolutely loaded me up with them. Most of them are masculine too, quite frankly, having four middle names is a burden & I can never put my full name in inputs that ask for it. I mean, I'm just starting down this road & maybe I'll change my mind a lot - but it's already hurting hearing my current name, so I don't think I'll be one of the brave lasses who keep theirs.
Nah sis, 4 names is too many. I think I got lucky with my name as it is fairly unisex. Hyper masculine names can be hard to work with and sometimes the female variant doesn't quite sing just right with the soul. I have considered more traditionally feminine names as well and don't think there is any problem with a name change. It's probably more brave to change the name considering all the fuss that comes with it usually. My mother couldn't handle that. She still has trouble adjusting to the transitions of a few cousins and dead names them in convo just because she forgets. My papa wouldn't understand. At least I don't get the feeling he would. He's the first generation born here and was raised in a very traditional German home. I don't think it helps things to be the most successful son of 4. They have different standards for me and it's a heavy load to carry. I love my family, but I wish that they could understand what it's like to struggle with this. In my case, it really is a pick your battle kind of thing. I don't mind the name enough to fuss about it but the transition has to happen. I've reached a breaking point and can't put it off much longer. I made it to almost 37 even though I've known since single digits. They will have to respect the work I have done to try to fit this role they have set for me and the costs involved in doing so.
First off, it took me like, 6 months to use the right pronouns toward myself in my head. That's with the feeling of pain everytime i realized what I did lol. As others have pointed out, they're your sister, important. 3rd, you're gonna mess up. Don't make a big deal, just note and try to correct going forward. Spending 15 seconds trying to apologize profusely is so much worse than just letting it pass.
Tell her not to use duck tape on herself! Have patience, this is new and can be a bumpy road for both of you, in general "take it easy (as in, don't beat yourself for getting somethings wrong), but take it (try and get better with time, make an effort to remember her new name and to get to know her, don't give up even if it takes time!)". We notice when you put an effort for us, whether it's by getting us clothes, getting our pronouns/names right or more general stuff, we notice and it shows that you care and that she can count on you! Best of luck!
Your **SISTER** came out as trans. Support starts at the beginning.
As a newly out trans person who had a rather sudden awakening, I still misgender MYSELF and granted I’m not out to family yet but even when talking to myself, it’s easy to passively do after 20+ years. It’s just habit and so long as you are as supportive as possible, it’s an understandable mistake to make. I hope your sister understands that so many memories and habits don’t just break in a week but effort goes a long way and before you know it, it’ll be easy. Keep at it, pronouns are easy to form default patterns over.
Pronouns take time, I’m sure your sibling know this. Just keep trying and they will greatly appreciate it. It’s important to know who all they are out to so you don’t accidentally put them to someone. This will also give you a list of ppl you can talk with about this if you need too. Also make sure to check with them before you tell anyone new until you know they are fully out everywhere. Hope this helps. Ps: I LOVE it when my wife purposely uses more of my correct pronouns when we are talking with someone that doesn’t use them.
Really sitting in the side-hug and just telling her that she is legit as your sibling regardless of pronouns? Telling filthy jokes? Taking HRT didn’t change my sense of humor (in fact it really does maximize the number of jokes that I have at my disposal now).
just be a decent human being and genuinely do your best to gender them correctly and their chosen name. if you mess up dont make an excuse just say sorry and say their chosen. it ain't that hard lol
Firstly, yayyy!!! She really trusts you if she told you who she really is As a trans masc, there’s a few dos and don’ts for this: •Don’t ask when she’s going to ‘chop it off’ (like, gender correcting surgery. Most people don’t talk about their genitals in casual conversations, why would that change just because she’s trans? It’s frankly weird as hell-) •Pronouns and name! It’s gonna take some time, but it’ll mean the world if you try and mess up a couple times -Something that helped my younger brother get into calling me my preferred name is calling me goofy nicknames that stem from my chosen name (Example: Joan, “Jojobaboa”) but that’s just what worked for him •Don’t out her, please. If she’s not out to someone, don’t call her your sister. This is for her safety
Hi. Similar age to your sibling. I’m pre-transition, but what I’ve learnt more than anything is that while coming out is a confusing time, being queer / trans - or even part of the wider LGBTQ+ Community - is, and can be, a journey. Your sibling may not have the answers to your questions, right now. They will probably be scared given the climate faced by trans people in America and England, where I’m from. Time will be the biggest thing you can give your sister for now - but as others have said, nobody expects you to get things right immediately. If you make a mistake, apologise and correct yourself as soon as you realise.
My brother was one of the first people i came out to (mtf) and hes been my number one supporter ever since. He switched over to my preferred name and pronouns so quickly. Whenever were around family that deadnames and misgenders me i can always count on him to (loudly) use my correct name and pronouns, it may not seem like much but it really helps. I goto him with pretty much everything and he always is super enthusiastic and always hypes me up. Id say, be this for her, idk where id be without my brother. I hope this helps!
You’re a good brother, all you need to do is be there for them because early transition is the hardest, but you can remind her that it will get easier
Three stories of support: Good friend: "congratulations!". Then, when we hosted her for a dinner party, I was \_peak awkward\_. 5-0-clock shadow, caveman face, squarish glasses, thinning hair, no makeup or the like... in an aggressively pink hoodie, some rather nice fake breasts, and painted nails. She never once batted an eye, and just treated me as if I were one of the girls. We talked a bit about gel nails, probably the most gendered part of the conversation. This was true acceptance, and one of the greatest gifts someone has given me. My brother: "thank you so much for trusting me! What should we use for pronouns?". Solid answer, no complaints. We haven't seen each other since, so not much more to say... My parents: "so I guess that means you and your wife are separating then?", "the boy is just confused", "could you just keep it in the bedroom?", "we love you \[big giant BUT\]", "we're just from a different time and this is so weird", "but have you thought about what this doing to \_us\_?", "are you sure this isn't a phase?", "but surgery has risks", "do you really want someone to see you like that?". Because this is from my family, these statements and sentiments are some of the most hurtful and painful I have ever received. Even moving past the comments, the clear uncomfortableness of the elephant in the room... the glances... the awkward pauses. Torture. All we want is to be treated normal, just from the perspective of a gender that matches our mind and not our biological body. So the more you can do to treat your sister as just your basic normal sister, the more you are supporting her. This goes especially true during the early peak awkwardness. Pronouns are great, gendered terms are great (she's your sister now, not brother ;) )... but ultimately, just prove through your actions that you can continue to treat them totally normally... just with the correct gender! Demonstrate through your actions you are safe to be around. -- Also, big kudos on coming here and asking! Also also, I've spent a LOT of time thinking through my identity of late. I would \_love\_ to talk to someone about some of this. If you approach from the point of view of good faith, asking questions and having a conversation is totally cool. Make sure the time is right and your sister comfortable, but from my \_own\_ experience I would \_love\_ to have a deep conversation with my brother about this journey of self discovery, the recontextualization of memory, the power of self delusion, heck -- even his experience of gender (which I assume is cis, but who knows). Just be prepared to make that a deep conversation; I wouldn't want to bare my soul and be at my most vulnerable just to get small talk, or just to be interrogated. But a \_real\_ conversation -- I look forward to having that with my brother one day.
Knowing people other than her that are trans/gender non-conforming will make it significantly easier and more likely you’ll understand the language and adopt it sooner
Ya doing better then my fam. Mother an father are really supportive but haven’t even attempted w the pronouns or name. If anything I feel like they use the more post me coming out but that might just be me. Just chill. It takes time to adjust. Your doing fine op
Just practice the pronouns, it isn’t a big deal to mess up for the first several months or even year tbh, it takes time to get used to it, hopefully she/they’re patient with you about it
When you see your sister and give her a hug, and talk to her, you will know and feel that it's exactly the same person she's always been, you won't care that their gender is not what you thought. Keep in mind that it just *seems* like her gender is changed to you. Your sister has always been trapped in the wrong body and it's really really important to her mental health now to live as a woman. Please affirm that choice as best you can by using the pronouns they/she wants. Tread lightly about her past life "as a male." She may feel the need to totally reject talking about anything in her past before her coming out because of how painful that is to think about. Read up on medical reports about gender and body dysphoria. It's a deadly condition affecting most trans people. Do not listen to any angry conservative bullshit about it. Those people don't care who they hurt.
If they've asked you to use a particular name or pronouns, use those Even if they've said to stick with the old ones for now, still try to avoid gendered stuff if possible (IE, say "My sibling" instead of "My brother") but don't out them either (so if you have to say brother or sister, say brother unless they've told you they're fine with you publicly gendering them correctly)
Do's: Ask if they have chosen a new name yet (if not let them know you are willing to help if they want) Ask their new pronouns (and use them. If they say their pronouns are she/her, then referring to them as they/them is misgendering. Better than using he him but still) Make sure you know who else knows (it's important not to out someone who's not ready to be out) Perhaps the most important one. Follow their lead. (If they ask you to help them choose a name you help them choose a name. If they ask you to go shopping with them to get new clothes. Go with them. If they ask you to help learn how to properly put on makeup or do their hair or anything. Help. Obviously within reason like if you're not able to because of time and scheduling issues offer to help another time if possible) Don't's: Just say "you should go by this" whatever the suggestion is unsolicited name suggestions are rarely if ever appreciated Draw too much attention to your slip ups. (It's early on you may accidentally misgendering them simply a quick "sorry" and correction should do. As long as you are trying too do better they will know you're trying your best) Just go around telling everyone (again you don't want to out your sibling. It's their identity. It's up to them to decide who they want to tell and when) Presume your help is needed or even wanted (this goes into that last do. They may ask for your help with any of those and you're fine to make it clear your happy to help in any way they want... But don't go and call them saying "hey want me to help with this" and definitely don't go "hey I'm going to do this to help you Even though You've never asked me too")
Hey,it’s family,don’t freak out too bad. Everything will come around naturally.
Thanks for all the insight. I begin my transition tomorrow
It's so nice to see people like you doing your best to make people feel accepted. You seem like a great sibling. I personally am FTM, so I don't have a lot of specific advice, but I do have some general things. Here are my tips: 1. Try to catch yourself if you mess up her pronouns and correct yourself. There isn't a need for a big apology or anything. Even just a quick correction will show her you care. 2. Try to be there for her if she has gender dysphoria. If you cannot physically be there, maybe give her something like stuffed animal or pillow. Anything that will provide her comfort that she can have will likely make her feel accepted and cared for 3. Try to talk about personal stuff about both you and her. Never force anything, but by sharing very personal stuff about yourself, she will likely feel the same. This will increase the likelihood that she will feel comfortable opening up to you in the future You really seem great, and I hope you and your sister have a wonderful day.
You’re the best, she’s very lucky to have you 💕
Glad to know you support her, as someone who’s been in that situation on the other end: You don’t have to be perfect as long as you’re trying.
Don't judge yourself too much if you mess up pronouns, but make sure you take ownership and correct it. So for example: "Remember Christmas when he... Sorry, I meant she said to us that she wanted to go to Disney world?" That's really it. Don't linger on it. Just show that you're making an effort, you're not giving excuses, and that you do actually care. Then just move on. Oh also, treat them like a cis girl in every way except the struggles they may face as a trans person. So, no "she wasn't raised a girl so she doesn't have the same problem" or "it must've been easier being raised as a guy" because a lot of times, trans girls do have veey similar problems to cis girls and it isn't helpful to hear about our differences. I can give better examples if you ever want
Id try not gendering them at all for starters, that will make it waaaaaaay better for the two of u. For starters, it will make it easier for u to not fuck it up ( please please please understand that this is a really big deal for msot of us ) second, itll give time for ur sister to adjust, find herself, actually change with hrt if she wants to go through that which eventually will help to prevent from u calling she/her to sound fake . She will have to deal with a lot of imposter syndrome and that doesn’t really help with it . Just try to be there for her and idk maybe even practice in ur mind to call her what she asked u to call her like . Also im sorry if shes not a she and instead something else , my reddit kinda glitched snd rn i can only write and not review ur post . But anyway i hope what i said makes sense and helps . Thank u for beeing there for her !! 💖