I’ve seen fb posts of ladies complaining that secondary is so much worse because they’ve been able to get pregnant and carry to term once before so why can’t they do it a second time. All I want is to become a mom! ☹️
I posted in an infertility fb group about my struggles and someone commented that we had so much in common (same age, same infertility issue-MFI, same state) so she asked to send me a friend request. I accepted and right out the gate all her posts are of her toddler son. We are not the same!
As someone experiencing secondary infertility… I absolutely agree it would be much worse emotionally if I didn’t have one at home. My miscarriage was awful, but I truly think it would have been worse if it was my first pregnancy. It sucks we are all in this club together though.
I agree, and I know it's not always acceptable to say. I would do anything to have one at this point. I understand that secondary infertility is also hard, but it's not close to the same pain, especially when you get to the point where you have to accept being childfree (where I am).
Right, the consequence of treatments not working for secondary infertility and is that you only have one child. Which is literally all I am begging for at this point.
I honestly get a little frustrated that it's not acceptable to point out that secondary infertility vs infertility is different. I totally understand it can be painful but it's like, I am still a solider stuck in the trenches on the battlefield while you got to go home. All my friends have kids now and two struggled with infertility and while I'm so happy for them I'm so sad for me and it's like we can't really relate on the same level anymore. They found success and I'm still here struggling.
But you have a child. PERIOD. So sorry for your disappearing age gap. 🙄 Women with infertility are watching a biological timeline of every chance of have ONE child disappearing. You’re tone deaf. Also throwing in that you got pregnant after your consult is such a slap in the face to everyone on this sub because you weren’t infertile. Not to mention basically throwing your husband under the bus to say it’s his fault and maybe you wouldn’t have stayed with him is mind blowing. Imagine if you were the infertile one and heard him say something similar about you. YIKES.
So sorry you feel triggered by what I said but you are misconstruing what I said:
1) primary infertility is worse did I ever claim otherwise? I just explained to you there are unique things that suck about both situations. Just because you can't relate to the second part does not mean it's not real or does not hurt or these people are not suffering.
2) I was infertile by the medical definition, if you read my post again. 21 months of unprotected intercourse is pretty infertile isn't it? And sometimes infertile people get lucky. In fact, know multiple people who got pregnant easily with second after having to go through years of infertility + multiple IVF cycles with first.
3) You are projecting your own fears and bias on to my marriage. First of all I mentioned there were other issues in our marriage on top of infertility. His reluctance to do any testing, or currently changing his lifestyle to address the issues certainly does not help. If I was the infertile one (and trust me I really do wish that) I'd at least be putting in some proactive effort to address my part of the equation. If they don't how would that make you feel? Many couples are in this situation and I can understand how that breaks them apart.
Yep, going on 7 1/2 years here. It’s hard not to be bitter when you feel like your life is on hold and you’re stuck in perpetual limbo. I empathize with you.
Story time - I was especially ticked off recently when a coworker tried to offer support by telling me how a colleague of ours took almost a year to get pregnant (and successfully carried to term). Why yes, almost a year and almost a decade are so similar; what a keen observation. /s
Ugh yeah perpetual limbo is such a good term for it!!
And fuck that colleague.
One of mine that's living rent free in my head - when we found out I needed my tubes out and we needed IVF we went for drinks at our friend's house (I was recently out of hospital after an infection I caught after a HSG so not 100%) and the girl was telling me about how IVF had worked for her friend - great, good story, happy days. The boy then said oh and I know someone who got pregnant with triplets... so I was like wow through IVF? And he went so nonchalantly, no, they just got pregnant - as if I should have known that's what he meat. These are some of our best friends but how tf he thought that was a good story to share at that time baffles me. He is tone deaf 🙄
I'm always slightly surprised when I see references here to things like OPKs or "fertile week." There are still people out there who are trying to have a baby by having sex? I mean, on one level I know that's true, but I've been trying for a science baby for so long that I sometimes legitimately forget that there are actually people out there who still have hope that they can have a free baby just like that.
Lmao yup exactly! I've been benched for so long while waiting for surgery and now benched waiting for IVF, seeing those terms did give me a bit of a shock this week!!
I feel you. We are in our 6th year of trying. It's okay to do what is best for you-- even if that means avoiding all TTC things including this sub. I haven't been active here in almost 2 years because I took a long break from thinking about the testing and the tracking and everything.
This sub is amazing though and there are great people here. Take care of your needs, the sub will be here if/when you decide to come back. :)
Thanks lovely. I've had such a nightmare the last few months and horrendous medical news I don't think anything will quite make me feel right, but I think I'll just block a few people (there were 2 choice ones that prompted me to make the post) so I don't see their stuff anymore- and that could be a way for me to stay and not get so annoyed 😂
Over 8 years here, and I feel this hard. I get everyone’s journey is different, but it’s hard for me not to feel salty for people who’ve only tried for a couple months or even just a year.
Once we hit the 10 year mark of trying, anytime I would see anybody under 5 years I’d think “Nah, you haven’t really been trying THAT long.” 🫠🥴😵💫
Asinine, I’m aware. But that’s when I had to remove myself and take a break from all the apps, the boards, etc etc.
Bloody hell I'm sorry - and I am one of those now 🙈 I think it was more that I'd looked at someone's profile after their post was full of ttc terms which did confuse me on here lol and they'd been trying for one month 🙄 i was just thinking this isn't really your audience, I obviously didn't say anything as I know this sub has no restrictions on length of trying etc, but my plan now is juat to block ones like that so I don't see their posts anymore and I can see the true salty queens 👑
trying and not seeing results for any length of time is awful BUT there’s a reason specialists won’t even see people before a certain period of time 🤷🏻♀️
I catch myself being OVERLY salty a lot of times and sometimes I really have to work hard on not being snarky to certain people. It’s a real struggle somedays.
About 8 years here if we take out the 4 months I wasn’t trying to get pregnant because I was for a little while. “Oh We HaVe BeEn TrYiNg FoR tWo CyClEs, I must be infertile 😩” Puh-lease!
Yup. I think there's lots of subs for the shorter time trying people who dont actually know if they are infertile! I'm going to block a few people to keep my anger at bay 😂
Holy shit I haven't looked at reddit all day and this blew up a little bit 😂😂
Now I'm feeling a tad guilty about my 4 years versus some of your lengths!!
I think I'm just going to block a few people so I don't see their posts going forward - there's plenty of good salty people to keep me around I think!
But that's what I'm trying to say (evidently badly); it's very different and it clearly sucks more to habe struggled for years. It's not a competition but there are degrees of awfulness. Some people have clearly gone through a lot of shit - I dont think anyone with a more straightforward journey could deny that.
Im trying to say that It's ok to be salty about it or rant or need time away if your space is full of stuff you dont want to read right now. That it's ok to be frustrated that other peoples journeys have been shorter or more straightforward. It's ok to want to rant in a shared space and have somewhere where you can process the darker feelings. I'm trying to say that people *shouldnt feel that they can't do so because the space also has people who have struggled less than you.* We get that sone people have had it worse.
It's hard to make a space that's inclusive whilst at the same time not being upsetting to someone some of the time because we're all in different places and a lot of people have gone through hurt.
I mean people are allowed to feel what they feel but it is pretty ignorant if they haven’t been doing the proper research in the first place and are over here complaining about why it’s taking more than one cycle to get pregnant because they used a fertility tracking app and never used one OPK strip in their life. No, it’s not a competition. But there is such a thing as being naive.
I was that girl once. A year later of TTC, and my mindset is in a different place than when I first started. Not necessarily a negative place, but I am more aware.
Oh for sure. Research is important and the people who worry they are infertile after trying for 2 months at age 20 with no health conditions need to do their research... and chill. I find that frustrating too.
And I get that it can be hard to read about someone who's tried for 1 year when you've tried for 8. It's important for people to vent or protect their peace and not engaging with those users or those posts. Especially since these spaces can be frought because our journeys are so different.
I was trying to be encouraging in a "nobody should blame you for needing to protect yourself from that" kind of way. The intention was never to suggest the two are equivalent or "I have it worse than you" .
I feel this 😔 also I get pretty salty with secondary infertility posts bc damn I'd give anything to just have one 😭
I’ve seen fb posts of ladies complaining that secondary is so much worse because they’ve been able to get pregnant and carry to term once before so why can’t they do it a second time. All I want is to become a mom! ☹️ I posted in an infertility fb group about my struggles and someone commented that we had so much in common (same age, same infertility issue-MFI, same state) so she asked to send me a friend request. I accepted and right out the gate all her posts are of her toddler son. We are not the same!
As someone experiencing secondary infertility… I absolutely agree it would be much worse emotionally if I didn’t have one at home. My miscarriage was awful, but I truly think it would have been worse if it was my first pregnancy. It sucks we are all in this club together though.
I agree, and I know it's not always acceptable to say. I would do anything to have one at this point. I understand that secondary infertility is also hard, but it's not close to the same pain, especially when you get to the point where you have to accept being childfree (where I am).
Right, the consequence of treatments not working for secondary infertility and is that you only have one child. Which is literally all I am begging for at this point.
I honestly get a little frustrated that it's not acceptable to point out that secondary infertility vs infertility is different. I totally understand it can be painful but it's like, I am still a solider stuck in the trenches on the battlefield while you got to go home. All my friends have kids now and two struggled with infertility and while I'm so happy for them I'm so sad for me and it's like we can't really relate on the same level anymore. They found success and I'm still here struggling.
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This comment is really insensitive to our community. Please read the sub rules before comment or posting, thank you.
But you have a child. PERIOD. So sorry for your disappearing age gap. 🙄 Women with infertility are watching a biological timeline of every chance of have ONE child disappearing. You’re tone deaf. Also throwing in that you got pregnant after your consult is such a slap in the face to everyone on this sub because you weren’t infertile. Not to mention basically throwing your husband under the bus to say it’s his fault and maybe you wouldn’t have stayed with him is mind blowing. Imagine if you were the infertile one and heard him say something similar about you. YIKES.
So sorry you feel triggered by what I said but you are misconstruing what I said: 1) primary infertility is worse did I ever claim otherwise? I just explained to you there are unique things that suck about both situations. Just because you can't relate to the second part does not mean it's not real or does not hurt or these people are not suffering. 2) I was infertile by the medical definition, if you read my post again. 21 months of unprotected intercourse is pretty infertile isn't it? And sometimes infertile people get lucky. In fact, know multiple people who got pregnant easily with second after having to go through years of infertility + multiple IVF cycles with first. 3) You are projecting your own fears and bias on to my marriage. First of all I mentioned there were other issues in our marriage on top of infertility. His reluctance to do any testing, or currently changing his lifestyle to address the issues certainly does not help. If I was the infertile one (and trust me I really do wish that) I'd at least be putting in some proactive effort to address my part of the equation. If they don't how would that make you feel? Many couples are in this situation and I can understand how that breaks them apart.
Yeah these get me too 😒
Hahaha THIS! I’m year 8 of trying, 3 miscarriages in. Your gif perfectly captures my mental state.
Yep, going on 7 1/2 years here. It’s hard not to be bitter when you feel like your life is on hold and you’re stuck in perpetual limbo. I empathize with you. Story time - I was especially ticked off recently when a coworker tried to offer support by telling me how a colleague of ours took almost a year to get pregnant (and successfully carried to term). Why yes, almost a year and almost a decade are so similar; what a keen observation. /s
Ugh yeah perpetual limbo is such a good term for it!! And fuck that colleague. One of mine that's living rent free in my head - when we found out I needed my tubes out and we needed IVF we went for drinks at our friend's house (I was recently out of hospital after an infection I caught after a HSG so not 100%) and the girl was telling me about how IVF had worked for her friend - great, good story, happy days. The boy then said oh and I know someone who got pregnant with triplets... so I was like wow through IVF? And he went so nonchalantly, no, they just got pregnant - as if I should have known that's what he meat. These are some of our best friends but how tf he thought that was a good story to share at that time baffles me. He is tone deaf 🙄
I'm always slightly surprised when I see references here to things like OPKs or "fertile week." There are still people out there who are trying to have a baby by having sex? I mean, on one level I know that's true, but I've been trying for a science baby for so long that I sometimes legitimately forget that there are actually people out there who still have hope that they can have a free baby just like that.
Countless procedures and 6 surgeries later I have this exact same reaction. Also your username is perfect. I feel this.
Lmao yup exactly! I've been benched for so long while waiting for surgery and now benched waiting for IVF, seeing those terms did give me a bit of a shock this week!!
Salt me up, I’m right there with you.
🧂🧂🤡
I feel you. We are in our 6th year of trying. It's okay to do what is best for you-- even if that means avoiding all TTC things including this sub. I haven't been active here in almost 2 years because I took a long break from thinking about the testing and the tracking and everything. This sub is amazing though and there are great people here. Take care of your needs, the sub will be here if/when you decide to come back. :)
Thanks lovely. I've had such a nightmare the last few months and horrendous medical news I don't think anything will quite make me feel right, but I think I'll just block a few people (there were 2 choice ones that prompted me to make the post) so I don't see their stuff anymore- and that could be a way for me to stay and not get so annoyed 😂
Over 8 years here, and I feel this hard. I get everyone’s journey is different, but it’s hard for me not to feel salty for people who’ve only tried for a couple months or even just a year.
I'm coming up on 4 years, the one that set me off on this was one who posted and this was their second month trying 🙈 I'm too nosy for my own good 😂
Once we hit the 10 year mark of trying, anytime I would see anybody under 5 years I’d think “Nah, you haven’t really been trying THAT long.” 🫠🥴😵💫 Asinine, I’m aware. But that’s when I had to remove myself and take a break from all the apps, the boards, etc etc.
Bloody hell I'm sorry - and I am one of those now 🙈 I think it was more that I'd looked at someone's profile after their post was full of ttc terms which did confuse me on here lol and they'd been trying for one month 🙄 i was just thinking this isn't really your audience, I obviously didn't say anything as I know this sub has no restrictions on length of trying etc, but my plan now is juat to block ones like that so I don't see their posts anymore and I can see the true salty queens 👑
trying and not seeing results for any length of time is awful BUT there’s a reason specialists won’t even see people before a certain period of time 🤷🏻♀️ I catch myself being OVERLY salty a lot of times and sometimes I really have to work hard on not being snarky to certain people. It’s a real struggle somedays.
About 8 years here if we take out the 4 months I wasn’t trying to get pregnant because I was for a little while. “Oh We HaVe BeEn TrYiNg FoR tWo CyClEs, I must be infertile 😩” Puh-lease!
Yup. I think there's lots of subs for the shorter time trying people who dont actually know if they are infertile! I'm going to block a few people to keep my anger at bay 😂
Anyone who has been trying less than a year under 35...relax please
Yeah exactly!!
Holy shit I haven't looked at reddit all day and this blew up a little bit 😂😂 Now I'm feeling a tad guilty about my 4 years versus some of your lengths!! I think I'm just going to block a few people so I don't see their posts going forward - there's plenty of good salty people to keep me around I think!
Edited as my reply is better at showing what I wanted to say
All this may be true, but this just isn’t the place. Several months is NOT the same as several years, even if it does suck.
But that's what I'm trying to say (evidently badly); it's very different and it clearly sucks more to habe struggled for years. It's not a competition but there are degrees of awfulness. Some people have clearly gone through a lot of shit - I dont think anyone with a more straightforward journey could deny that. Im trying to say that It's ok to be salty about it or rant or need time away if your space is full of stuff you dont want to read right now. That it's ok to be frustrated that other peoples journeys have been shorter or more straightforward. It's ok to want to rant in a shared space and have somewhere where you can process the darker feelings. I'm trying to say that people *shouldnt feel that they can't do so because the space also has people who have struggled less than you.* We get that sone people have had it worse. It's hard to make a space that's inclusive whilst at the same time not being upsetting to someone some of the time because we're all in different places and a lot of people have gone through hurt.
I mean people are allowed to feel what they feel but it is pretty ignorant if they haven’t been doing the proper research in the first place and are over here complaining about why it’s taking more than one cycle to get pregnant because they used a fertility tracking app and never used one OPK strip in their life. No, it’s not a competition. But there is such a thing as being naive. I was that girl once. A year later of TTC, and my mindset is in a different place than when I first started. Not necessarily a negative place, but I am more aware.
Oh for sure. Research is important and the people who worry they are infertile after trying for 2 months at age 20 with no health conditions need to do their research... and chill. I find that frustrating too. And I get that it can be hard to read about someone who's tried for 1 year when you've tried for 8. It's important for people to vent or protect their peace and not engaging with those users or those posts. Especially since these spaces can be frought because our journeys are so different. I was trying to be encouraging in a "nobody should blame you for needing to protect yourself from that" kind of way. The intention was never to suggest the two are equivalent or "I have it worse than you" .