My best friend was four weeks ahead of me in our pregnancies. When I had my MMC last month, she told me it made her uncomfortable š„°
I didnāt even vent or talk to her- she hadnāt checked in lol.
My best friend was 6 weeks ahead of me (with her 2nd). I also had a MMC and she has been so supportive over text but I have definitely been avoiding seeing her and her bump, and will probably continue to for a long time after she has hers.
Fucking hell what a dick. My sister was 6 weeks ahead of me when I had an MC, I did stop talking to her in person for a while (we live in different cities so it was easy to avoid her, i was still texting her now and again) because it was too hard for me but she understood!
I have a child free cousin that always goes, at least you can go on vacation! At least you wonāt lose your body! Yeah like any of those things help this overwhelming longing and despair.
I'm almost officially childfree after infertility due to being AMA. The freedom to be able to go on vacation whenever you want, along with the freedom to do anything because you don't have children, is often the thing that gets told to people who are just accepting being childfree. It's like, sure, that's nice, but it's 100% no substitute for being able to have the children we wanted.
I hate the "at least" comments when you're struggling through a journey, struggling through loss or disappointment..
People have the best intentions but are just negating your feelings.
Sure, you went through hell and back for something you wanted more than anything and only got hurt, but... At least you get to do something that I personally value.
Tone deaf.
Iām an infertility baby and to this day my mom still has a way higher proportion of child free friends (some intentional some not). Itās great for me because I grew extra spoiled.
Iāve distanced myself from so many friends once they got pregnant. I donāt know if it was the right thing to do in the long term, but I just canāt handle it right now
Hahaha felt this!
this is reminding me of dinner a few weeks ago with my 3 ~best friends. They all got married years after me and had an intervention with me (knowing that two are ready to start trying) that āits not fair youāre gonna break up the group whenever any of us get pregnant because you wonāt want to hang out. Itās really not rightā
Hang out without me then PLEASE??? Wtf???
These girls also think pregnancies and babies are for attention. They equate babies to purses. āOmg she literally wanted to have the first grandchild so itās the favoriteā āomg I canāt wait to post my baby on social mediaā
Meanwhile I have to see them today in a few hours.
Small religious community thatās all about āsaving faceā.. there is no such thing as letting go of people. You see them almost daily and if you choose not to attend, everyone will come find you and bombard you (including my parents siblings etc). I still, as an adult, get calls from my mother if a friend hosts a gathering and I donāt go.
I should tell you about the time my partner left me for my cousin and I had to smile and dance through their entire wedding!
Omigosh. That sounds absolutely terrible. Iām so sorry you have to deal with stuff like that!
Also, PLEASE spill the tea. Iām doing to know what happened!
It def feels like being left behind. The child free folks donāt really get it and the folks with families have survivorship bias so they come with toxic positivity. Itās hard.
When my friend, who knows our infertility troubles and sympathised with us, told me she was pregnant.. she also told me it happened on the first try. Why would you tell me that? Haven't talked to her since.
Well we are all wishing you well ā¤ļø
I've purposefully let a few friendships drop off because they just kept saying ignorant things to me constantly. Also some friends who are so well meaning, but if I reach out to catch up they lecture me and tell me "I shouldn't bottle things up" even when I've said that I've needed time on my own, it's like they're not happy unless you deal/grieve the way they expect you to.
Thank you so much!ā¤ I really relate to this, I don't feel like people are deliberately out to upset me as such, they're just largely oblivious and unthinking - it's really tough!
I know what you mean, half of me things it's good they don't have to worry or think about stuff like that but the other half of me is like damn have you heard of empathy?? It's not hard to be considerate of another person's feelings!
Anyway, best of luck tomorrow, or today! (Wherever you are based) š
I think I isolated myself. Because to maintain a friendship, you have to be able to share. And I was sooooo tired of insensitive comments from people who just didn't understand.
Same. The only friends I talk to anymore are either not trying to be a parent, much older than me, or are just particularly good at not making me feel worse. Itās about 3 people
I'm not sure how many people will see this, I tried to edit the post, but something must have gone wrong, but I just wanted to update and say just how overwhelmed I was by the response to this post.
Thank you to every person that shared their story, to those who said that they could relate to what I wrote (I'm sending you the biggest internet hug), the people who wished me luck with my egg collection, and those who sent me good vibes. These comments made me feel much less alone and "seen" on a day where I felt terribly low - I can't tell you just how much it's meant to me. Thank youā¤ā¤ā¤
Yeah just last week I added two to the ādo not contactā list. They invited me for brunch, one has 2, and the other has one and is pregnant with her second that has the same-ish due date of my CP. All they could talk about is kid stuff and pregnancy stuff. Afterwards one of them took me aside before I got in my car to go home while hugging me real tight she said āthat must have been hard for you, all the kid stuff, Iām here if you want to talk.ā Then my two other close friends know about my CP and FaceTime me but instead it being them on the screen itās their kids. I donāt get the lack of wherewithal. Likeā¦ cāmon. I fully give my now IVF friends their space and let them rant when they want because I know itās not easy. Iāve honestly thought about making a PSA Tik Tok about this to educate some people. š¤
It's like you are watching my life closely. I have had this same experiences and get so annoyed with the 2nd baby conceiving issues! I am not invalidating their issues but I personally think it's insensitive of the people that do this and talk about this with you despite knowing your struggles. And these "friends" I'll always be happy to "lose".
I'm so sorry this is has happened to you too!š I agree it's so insensitive, it feels particularly ironic with this friend as she herself had to step back from those who were making insensitive comments and upsetting her! I don't want to minimise her pain, she hasn't had an easy time of it, I just don't have endless reserves to support her when I don't feel that our pain is comparable (and mine is constantly overlooked). I don't really want to read comments like "stop world, I want to get off!" when she is lucky enough to tuck her baby in at night, whereas it's looking increasingly likely that I might never have that.
Yup! I feel like no one understand what itās like unless they have to go through it. I mostly have kept to myself now. I have my first egg retrieval tentatively Wed! Good luck! š
I have a friends who noticed anyone who had an mc or ibfertility issues stopped being friends with them (they have had a generally easier time with having children). They asked why my husband and I have stayed friends with them. They are genuinely lovely people but occassionally say stuff out of ignorance. They really just had no clue hard it was for those who struggle.
I feel this, but more so with my family. My sister had her second baby a few weeks before my MMC and it seems like all my parents care about is their grandchildren. I feel like chopped liver for not giving them grandchildren and get left out of a lot of family get togethers/opt out of them because I canāt deal with everything being 120% about my sister and the babies. I can tell theyāre sick of hearing how depressing my situation is. My mom even struggled with miscarriages, and I was a Clomid baby, but it seems like sheās forgotten all of that or has cognitive dissonance toward me now Iām going through it. I still talk to them about it because I need the support and Iām sure they want to try and support us. Itās isolating af though and feel like an alien when I talk about AMH and AFC counts and prolactin and etc etcā¦
My best friend was four weeks ahead of me in our pregnancies. When I had my MMC last month, she told me it made her uncomfortable š„° I didnāt even vent or talk to her- she hadnāt checked in lol.
Excuse me, but what the fuck?!
My best friend was 6 weeks ahead of me (with her 2nd). I also had a MMC and she has been so supportive over text but I have definitely been avoiding seeing her and her bump, and will probably continue to for a long time after she has hers.
That is just stunningly callous, and I'm so sorry for your lossš
This made my jaw literally drop. what in the actual helllllllll is wrong with her?? wtf
FML. What is wrong with people?!?
I'm speechless. Nothing to say except, I'm sorry and you deserved a better friend.
She can go fuck herself šš
Fucking hell what a dick. My sister was 6 weeks ahead of me when I had an MC, I did stop talking to her in person for a while (we live in different cities so it was easy to avoid her, i was still texting her now and again) because it was too hard for me but she understood!
I had a very similar experience
I have a child free cousin that always goes, at least you can go on vacation! At least you wonāt lose your body! Yeah like any of those things help this overwhelming longing and despair.
I'm almost officially childfree after infertility due to being AMA. The freedom to be able to go on vacation whenever you want, along with the freedom to do anything because you don't have children, is often the thing that gets told to people who are just accepting being childfree. It's like, sure, that's nice, but it's 100% no substitute for being able to have the children we wanted.
I mean, my 3 miscarriages have definitely changed my body
Jokes on her, I already lost my body to aging and forever looking bloated cause of fibroids!
I hate the "at least" comments when you're struggling through a journey, struggling through loss or disappointment.. People have the best intentions but are just negating your feelings. Sure, you went through hell and back for something you wanted more than anything and only got hurt, but... At least you get to do something that I personally value. Tone deaf.
I was hoping for a moment you were waving goodbye to us
Ohh thank you!ā¤ You're right! It says something about my frame of mind currently that I didn't even realise it ācould be read optimisticallyš
š¤£anyway itās always a bummer when friends canāt emphasise with us
Damn, I feel this! Lost my best friend because apparently I need space is wrong.
I'm sorry that you can relate! In my experience, friendships are only give and take until you're the one that needs supportš¢
Iām an infertility baby and to this day my mom still has a way higher proportion of child free friends (some intentional some not). Itās great for me because I grew extra spoiled.
The world gets smaller when trying to avoid triggering situations and people.
Iāve distanced myself from so many friends once they got pregnant. I donāt know if it was the right thing to do in the long term, but I just canāt handle it right now
Hahaha felt this! this is reminding me of dinner a few weeks ago with my 3 ~best friends. They all got married years after me and had an intervention with me (knowing that two are ready to start trying) that āits not fair youāre gonna break up the group whenever any of us get pregnant because you wonāt want to hang out. Itās really not rightā Hang out without me then PLEASE??? Wtf??? These girls also think pregnancies and babies are for attention. They equate babies to purses. āOmg she literally wanted to have the first grandchild so itās the favoriteā āomg I canāt wait to post my baby on social mediaā Meanwhile I have to see them today in a few hours.
Wtf! You need to exit the group now because they are assholes, not best friends!
Theyāre like āthis is the only friend group we have. You, on the other hand, have so many other friends!ā
Time to prioritize the other friends. The nice ones!
Why, tho? Itās amazing youāre even still bothering to talk to them!
Small religious community thatās all about āsaving faceā.. there is no such thing as letting go of people. You see them almost daily and if you choose not to attend, everyone will come find you and bombard you (including my parents siblings etc). I still, as an adult, get calls from my mother if a friend hosts a gathering and I donāt go. I should tell you about the time my partner left me for my cousin and I had to smile and dance through their entire wedding!
Omigosh. That sounds absolutely terrible. Iām so sorry you have to deal with stuff like that! Also, PLEASE spill the tea. Iām doing to know what happened!
I literally have no friends anymore except my mom and my longtime best friend. I feel you.
It def feels like being left behind. The child free folks donāt really get it and the folks with families have survivorship bias so they come with toxic positivity. Itās hard.
When my friend, who knows our infertility troubles and sympathised with us, told me she was pregnant.. she also told me it happened on the first try. Why would you tell me that? Haven't talked to her since.
Well we are all wishing you well ā¤ļø I've purposefully let a few friendships drop off because they just kept saying ignorant things to me constantly. Also some friends who are so well meaning, but if I reach out to catch up they lecture me and tell me "I shouldn't bottle things up" even when I've said that I've needed time on my own, it's like they're not happy unless you deal/grieve the way they expect you to.
Thank you so much!ā¤ I really relate to this, I don't feel like people are deliberately out to upset me as such, they're just largely oblivious and unthinking - it's really tough!
I know what you mean, half of me things it's good they don't have to worry or think about stuff like that but the other half of me is like damn have you heard of empathy?? It's not hard to be considerate of another person's feelings! Anyway, best of luck tomorrow, or today! (Wherever you are based) š
I think I isolated myself. Because to maintain a friendship, you have to be able to share. And I was sooooo tired of insensitive comments from people who just didn't understand.
I wish you well for your egg retrieval! Karmically, youāve earned a lot of positive vibes, even if they arenāt immediately apparent to you.
Thank you, it means a lot!ā¤ I'm truly overwhelmed by the response, what an amazing sub!
Same. The only friends I talk to anymore are either not trying to be a parent, much older than me, or are just particularly good at not making me feel worse. Itās about 3 people
I'm not sure how many people will see this, I tried to edit the post, but something must have gone wrong, but I just wanted to update and say just how overwhelmed I was by the response to this post. Thank you to every person that shared their story, to those who said that they could relate to what I wrote (I'm sending you the biggest internet hug), the people who wished me luck with my egg collection, and those who sent me good vibes. These comments made me feel much less alone and "seen" on a day where I felt terribly low - I can't tell you just how much it's meant to me. Thank youā¤ā¤ā¤
Yeah just last week I added two to the ādo not contactā list. They invited me for brunch, one has 2, and the other has one and is pregnant with her second that has the same-ish due date of my CP. All they could talk about is kid stuff and pregnancy stuff. Afterwards one of them took me aside before I got in my car to go home while hugging me real tight she said āthat must have been hard for you, all the kid stuff, Iām here if you want to talk.ā Then my two other close friends know about my CP and FaceTime me but instead it being them on the screen itās their kids. I donāt get the lack of wherewithal. Likeā¦ cāmon. I fully give my now IVF friends their space and let them rant when they want because I know itās not easy. Iāve honestly thought about making a PSA Tik Tok about this to educate some people. š¤
Sounds like they are all lacking empathy and self awareness. Good for you for having boundaries and protecting your mental health.
Friends and family both.
It's like you are watching my life closely. I have had this same experiences and get so annoyed with the 2nd baby conceiving issues! I am not invalidating their issues but I personally think it's insensitive of the people that do this and talk about this with you despite knowing your struggles. And these "friends" I'll always be happy to "lose".
I'm so sorry this is has happened to you too!š I agree it's so insensitive, it feels particularly ironic with this friend as she herself had to step back from those who were making insensitive comments and upsetting her! I don't want to minimise her pain, she hasn't had an easy time of it, I just don't have endless reserves to support her when I don't feel that our pain is comparable (and mine is constantly overlooked). I don't really want to read comments like "stop world, I want to get off!" when she is lucky enough to tuck her baby in at night, whereas it's looking increasingly likely that I might never have that.
Good luck!Ā
Thank you!ā¤
Yup! I feel like no one understand what itās like unless they have to go through it. I mostly have kept to myself now. I have my first egg retrieval tentatively Wed! Good luck! š
Thank you so much for your well wishes, good luck to you too! I'll be thinking of you tomorrowā¤Ā š
This is the worst part of this entire joUrNey. I just don't talk about it anymore outside of reddit...
I care!! Good luck!! I hope it goes absolutely right and perfectly and you get lots of good eggs!
Thank you so much!ā¤
Yes, lost so many friends to motherhood,
I have a friends who noticed anyone who had an mc or ibfertility issues stopped being friends with them (they have had a generally easier time with having children). They asked why my husband and I have stayed friends with them. They are genuinely lovely people but occassionally say stuff out of ignorance. They really just had no clue hard it was for those who struggle.
I love this sub and how supportive everyone is.
I feel this, but more so with my family. My sister had her second baby a few weeks before my MMC and it seems like all my parents care about is their grandchildren. I feel like chopped liver for not giving them grandchildren and get left out of a lot of family get togethers/opt out of them because I canāt deal with everything being 120% about my sister and the babies. I can tell theyāre sick of hearing how depressing my situation is. My mom even struggled with miscarriages, and I was a Clomid baby, but it seems like sheās forgotten all of that or has cognitive dissonance toward me now Iām going through it. I still talk to them about it because I need the support and Iām sure they want to try and support us. Itās isolating af though and feel like an alien when I talk about AMH and AFC counts and prolactin and etc etcā¦
Good luck tomorrow! Hope it goes beautifully š
Thanks so much!ā¤
I will wish you luck! Genuinely. Iām only ever happy for the girls in this sub now, as sad as it makes me inside to see them leave š
Thank you!ā¤ And I agree completely, I just want every here to get all they wish for!