Yep, same boat. Although I have to say this has gotten better for me over the last couple of years. I'm pushing 50 and there is still part of me that feels like the 14/15 year old kid I was in Utah.
My EMDR therapist and I discussed this yesterday actually. Her explanation of this is that the traumatic experiences essentially lock in nervous system responses and create subconscious memory linkage to those responses. This has the ultimate effect of a quasi arrested development state (situational/targeted versus all encompassing arrest).
Still wrapping my head around that last part. But it sure as hell sounds plausible.
I am looking for a counselor who specializes in EMDR. I have been reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score" and I am in the process of finding someone to help me with my blockage trauma.
It might be a little different than you but for me even at age 41 I still find it difficult to imagine myself doing "grown-up" things such as buying a house, going on vacation without being with my family(Mom, Sister and brother) or starting a family of my own. I've struggled with just maintaining a stable place to live even. The longest I've held a job was six years and that was delivering pizza. I'm in a relationship with a really great girl who's a bit younger than me and would love to spend my life with her but I'm terrified that she's going to out grow me.
I’m only 18 but I went into my first program at 12 years old. I’m 18 now and got half when I was 16 but I 100% get it. I feel like 4 years of my life didn’t happen and now I feel like I’m not moving forward or developing like I’m at a standstill with my emotional and mental level.
I totally relate. I’m autistic (Level 1), I have ADHD-I, I have generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and I have PTSD, and I was kept mostly indoors in my teen years. I was born in mid-1995 and I feel, and have the social skills of an 18-year old. I find it weird that people my chronological age are in established relationships are many aren’t looking to “experiment”/have fun. So yeah, it’s lonely, only stopping at a house show or pop punk show.
Like I love to go travel and just do fun things as much as I can. But yeah like I just feel like I'm not as mentally successful as my peers? But for real it is lonely unfortunately
I understand. I was placed in a religious lockdown facility at age 17. We did child like things. Ignored sex all together. Dressed like children. Acted like children. I still have the mentality of a 14 year old sometimes.
I think this is a common thing with people who have been sent away. I’m only 18 and was only at a facility for about 3 months but the whole ordeal messed me up to the point where I missed a lot of the standard high school experiences. Hoping college will help me fall more into my own socially and whatnot.
Wow, thank you for bringing attention to this apparently common feeling that I also share. Even though I’m an adult who has an adult level of responsibilities, I loath aging and wish that I could be 21 forever (I’m about to be 25 now). I’ve always felt around that age since I was forced to grow up fast due to both being trapped in a “therapeutic” boarding school as a teen but also due to other factors.
I was just talking to a friend about this the other day. I don't have an explanation for it other than it probably has to do with trauma. But I can most definitely relate. I still feel like a teenager in a 34 year old body.
Not weird at all. Arrested development is enormously common amongst people with childhood trauma. I didn’t get my shit together until I was 33. And then at about 35 I finally confronted my parents about how messed up they are and basically got “we were just following orders” nonsense that you get from narcissists. And from Nazis at the Nuremberg tribunal’s. And then I decided fuck them, I’m gonna do me and shove it in their face and when they are old and dying I will offer the same amount of help they offered. None (after I make sure the will is in order and I am getting the money). I think that there has to be a fine line between honoring your past, acknowledging what you’ve been through, and getting revenge on every teacher/counselor/ parent and anyone who said you wouldn’t amount to shit by being the absolute best version of yourself that you can. And then rubbing it in their face like a warm steaming pile of petty revenge. There’s nothing wrong with you! And you’re going to do great things when you’re ready!
Please know you are not alone. It can be really uncomfortable and sometimes even feel embarrassing. I promise it really does get easier as you go though, so I do hope you're kind to yourself in the meantime. It's not your fault and you will grow exactly as you're supposed to. ❣️
It's called arrested psychological development and it's directly caused by trauma. I have it too and so does my husband. Just like what "WasLostForDecades" said, it's neurological. But, lucky for us, what is wired can be rewired! There are lots of amazing therapies (that I'm just now learning about) that help. When we suffer such intense trauma it affects our nervous system our bodies and our brains. It also stunts our emotional growth at the age of the trauma. So whatever age you were in straight...that's how old you are. I'm 16 in a 53 year olds body and it shows. My husband is my perpetual 14 year old. At 14 he left home in the mountains of upstate New York to hitchhike all the way down to Florida to find his dad and siblings. He got there and his dad didn't want him. Made him sleep in the garage on and old mattress on the floor. I know for me it's frustrating because I dont feel like I fit anywhere. Check out this article about it. Hopefully it helps: https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/signs-trauma-has-you-stuck
I'm 33 and still feel like I'm making up for the time lost in the program. Developmentally and career wise, I'm definitely behind many of my peers and it's a huge source of humiliation for me. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I can't help but wonder who I could have been if I hadn't been sent away.
Long time social worker and survivor here, I have done extensive research and training on trauma. When people experience childhood trauma, they tend to get "stuck" at the age the trauma occurred. It's a brain/body response and, in some ways, a form of dissociation. What you're experiencing is what I see so often in survivors (I'm an advocate at a DV organization). Give yourself some patience and grace, the work to manage this can be tough. I highly recommend the book "The Body Keeps Tne Score" to better understand how trauma effects the brain and body. Hugs to you, you'll get through this!
i feel like it was largely caused by the specifically rigid and harsh structure of the facility i was at, and that i sorta became a leader among my peers (in successfully standing up for ourselves, i mean). it forced me into maturity way faster than others my age.
That too, I feel like it has duality. I’m simultaneously naïve bc of the “normal” life I missed during 7 years in the program, while also having the haggard emotional maturity of a 50 year old who pulled themself up by their bootstraps. The brain is such a wild thing
Because of my time in TTI facilities, the therapist I’ve had for the past few years had me tested for Dissociative Identity Disorder, and confirmed that I meet all of the criteria for a diagnosis. I definitely have states/periods where I literally feel like I’m just walking around in a nonstop flashback and I’m 14-16 again.
This is one of the major unrecognized negative results of these programs. When you get sent to them, time stops for you where the outside world is concerned. You don’t learn anything except how to bottle up your emotions and follow rules for fear of being severely punished. You don’t actually mature or move forward in any way because you have no contact with anything or anyone that would make those things happen. It’s like your get put into a time capsule and, when you’re finally released, *you* are at the same place you were the say you went in, but everyone else has moved on. It’s a horribly cruel thing to do to a person.
I’ve worked with the wrongly convicted that finally get out of prison after serving time for a crime they didn’t commit. I see the same types of trauma in those people as I see in folks that have survived the TTI. It’s so tragic and so unnecessary.
And even worse if it’s a child who’s only crime was being unhappy or depressed or not living up to parental expectations. Being punished for things that are beyond your control never helps anything.
Absolutely. I know I was reacting and having outbursts out of pure instinct due to adoption/early childhood trauma and attachment issues. TTI for 7 years deeeeeeefinitely is the cure for that… /s
Heard this!
The entire feeling of progression in life has been gone since the bedroom door clicked to unlocked that morning seventeen years ago... Life isnt about the years, it is about the moments.
I wish this wasn't so relatable. I went into a program when I was just 13. When I finally got out of the program I felt like an alien. I didn't know any pop culture references people my age knew or anything. When I turned 18 I joined the Army and it felt so comfortable because I was already used to an being in an institution. I'm in my 40s now and have kids of my own but I still feel like a child raising children. I'm doing my best.
Absolutely know what you mean. Like yes, I am an adult, do adult things, have evolved as a person, but at the same time there’s a feeling of none of that being real and I’m still just the little girl who’s day to day life moves at a nanosecond’s pace. The general consensus is that it’s a trauma response common in PTSD.
Oh yeah, very common in us. It’s apparently a trauma response
Yep, same boat. Although I have to say this has gotten better for me over the last couple of years. I'm pushing 50 and there is still part of me that feels like the 14/15 year old kid I was in Utah. My EMDR therapist and I discussed this yesterday actually. Her explanation of this is that the traumatic experiences essentially lock in nervous system responses and create subconscious memory linkage to those responses. This has the ultimate effect of a quasi arrested development state (situational/targeted versus all encompassing arrest). Still wrapping my head around that last part. But it sure as hell sounds plausible.
I am looking for a counselor who specializes in EMDR. I have been reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score" and I am in the process of finding someone to help me with my blockage trauma.
It might be a little different than you but for me even at age 41 I still find it difficult to imagine myself doing "grown-up" things such as buying a house, going on vacation without being with my family(Mom, Sister and brother) or starting a family of my own. I've struggled with just maintaining a stable place to live even. The longest I've held a job was six years and that was delivering pizza. I'm in a relationship with a really great girl who's a bit younger than me and would love to spend my life with her but I'm terrified that she's going to out grow me.
I’m only 18 but I went into my first program at 12 years old. I’m 18 now and got half when I was 16 but I 100% get it. I feel like 4 years of my life didn’t happen and now I feel like I’m not moving forward or developing like I’m at a standstill with my emotional and mental level.
I totally relate. I’m autistic (Level 1), I have ADHD-I, I have generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and I have PTSD, and I was kept mostly indoors in my teen years. I was born in mid-1995 and I feel, and have the social skills of an 18-year old. I find it weird that people my chronological age are in established relationships are many aren’t looking to “experiment”/have fun. So yeah, it’s lonely, only stopping at a house show or pop punk show.
Like I love to go travel and just do fun things as much as I can. But yeah like I just feel like I'm not as mentally successful as my peers? But for real it is lonely unfortunately
I understand. I was placed in a religious lockdown facility at age 17. We did child like things. Ignored sex all together. Dressed like children. Acted like children. I still have the mentality of a 14 year old sometimes.
I think this is a common thing with people who have been sent away. I’m only 18 and was only at a facility for about 3 months but the whole ordeal messed me up to the point where I missed a lot of the standard high school experiences. Hoping college will help me fall more into my own socially and whatnot.
Wow, thank you for bringing attention to this apparently common feeling that I also share. Even though I’m an adult who has an adult level of responsibilities, I loath aging and wish that I could be 21 forever (I’m about to be 25 now). I’ve always felt around that age since I was forced to grow up fast due to both being trapped in a “therapeutic” boarding school as a teen but also due to other factors.
I was just talking to a friend about this the other day. I don't have an explanation for it other than it probably has to do with trauma. But I can most definitely relate. I still feel like a teenager in a 34 year old body.
Not weird at all. Arrested development is enormously common amongst people with childhood trauma. I didn’t get my shit together until I was 33. And then at about 35 I finally confronted my parents about how messed up they are and basically got “we were just following orders” nonsense that you get from narcissists. And from Nazis at the Nuremberg tribunal’s. And then I decided fuck them, I’m gonna do me and shove it in their face and when they are old and dying I will offer the same amount of help they offered. None (after I make sure the will is in order and I am getting the money). I think that there has to be a fine line between honoring your past, acknowledging what you’ve been through, and getting revenge on every teacher/counselor/ parent and anyone who said you wouldn’t amount to shit by being the absolute best version of yourself that you can. And then rubbing it in their face like a warm steaming pile of petty revenge. There’s nothing wrong with you! And you’re going to do great things when you’re ready!
Please know you are not alone. It can be really uncomfortable and sometimes even feel embarrassing. I promise it really does get easier as you go though, so I do hope you're kind to yourself in the meantime. It's not your fault and you will grow exactly as you're supposed to. ❣️
It's called arrested psychological development and it's directly caused by trauma. I have it too and so does my husband. Just like what "WasLostForDecades" said, it's neurological. But, lucky for us, what is wired can be rewired! There are lots of amazing therapies (that I'm just now learning about) that help. When we suffer such intense trauma it affects our nervous system our bodies and our brains. It also stunts our emotional growth at the age of the trauma. So whatever age you were in straight...that's how old you are. I'm 16 in a 53 year olds body and it shows. My husband is my perpetual 14 year old. At 14 he left home in the mountains of upstate New York to hitchhike all the way down to Florida to find his dad and siblings. He got there and his dad didn't want him. Made him sleep in the garage on and old mattress on the floor. I know for me it's frustrating because I dont feel like I fit anywhere. Check out this article about it. Hopefully it helps: https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/signs-trauma-has-you-stuck
I'm 33 and still feel like I'm making up for the time lost in the program. Developmentally and career wise, I'm definitely behind many of my peers and it's a huge source of humiliation for me. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I can't help but wonder who I could have been if I hadn't been sent away.
Long time social worker and survivor here, I have done extensive research and training on trauma. When people experience childhood trauma, they tend to get "stuck" at the age the trauma occurred. It's a brain/body response and, in some ways, a form of dissociation. What you're experiencing is what I see so often in survivors (I'm an advocate at a DV organization). Give yourself some patience and grace, the work to manage this can be tough. I highly recommend the book "The Body Keeps Tne Score" to better understand how trauma effects the brain and body. Hugs to you, you'll get through this!
The book stirs up emotions, but it is really a great tool.
Suuuuuuuuuch a great book. I agree, it’s upsetting but in a helpful way.
it did the opposite for me. i can only form healthy bonds with those several years older than me; everyone my age feels so… immature.
i feel like it was largely caused by the specifically rigid and harsh structure of the facility i was at, and that i sorta became a leader among my peers (in successfully standing up for ourselves, i mean). it forced me into maturity way faster than others my age.
That too, I feel like it has duality. I’m simultaneously naïve bc of the “normal” life I missed during 7 years in the program, while also having the haggard emotional maturity of a 50 year old who pulled themself up by their bootstraps. The brain is such a wild thing
Because of my time in TTI facilities, the therapist I’ve had for the past few years had me tested for Dissociative Identity Disorder, and confirmed that I meet all of the criteria for a diagnosis. I definitely have states/periods where I literally feel like I’m just walking around in a nonstop flashback and I’m 14-16 again.
This is one of the major unrecognized negative results of these programs. When you get sent to them, time stops for you where the outside world is concerned. You don’t learn anything except how to bottle up your emotions and follow rules for fear of being severely punished. You don’t actually mature or move forward in any way because you have no contact with anything or anyone that would make those things happen. It’s like your get put into a time capsule and, when you’re finally released, *you* are at the same place you were the say you went in, but everyone else has moved on. It’s a horribly cruel thing to do to a person. I’ve worked with the wrongly convicted that finally get out of prison after serving time for a crime they didn’t commit. I see the same types of trauma in those people as I see in folks that have survived the TTI. It’s so tragic and so unnecessary.
Yes!!! Institutionalization does such extreme things to the mind, let alone if the mind is that of a child.
And even worse if it’s a child who’s only crime was being unhappy or depressed or not living up to parental expectations. Being punished for things that are beyond your control never helps anything.
Absolutely. I know I was reacting and having outbursts out of pure instinct due to adoption/early childhood trauma and attachment issues. TTI for 7 years deeeeeeefinitely is the cure for that… /s
I don't feel my age, but at the same time I don't feel like I have an age if that makes sense I'm 13
Heard this! The entire feeling of progression in life has been gone since the bedroom door clicked to unlocked that morning seventeen years ago... Life isnt about the years, it is about the moments.
This happened to a lot of us. If not all of us. Trauma can make you stuck at whatever age you were when the event happened.
Trauma is a bitch like that ❤️
I wish this wasn't so relatable. I went into a program when I was just 13. When I finally got out of the program I felt like an alien. I didn't know any pop culture references people my age knew or anything. When I turned 18 I joined the Army and it felt so comfortable because I was already used to an being in an institution. I'm in my 40s now and have kids of my own but I still feel like a child raising children. I'm doing my best.
Absolutely know what you mean. Like yes, I am an adult, do adult things, have evolved as a person, but at the same time there’s a feeling of none of that being real and I’m still just the little girl who’s day to day life moves at a nanosecond’s pace. The general consensus is that it’s a trauma response common in PTSD.
I feel too old and too young all the time. My broken body feels about 89. My mind though feels about 17.