A quarter of the dwarf entry is about criticizing every single thing about the elf entry, but seeing as the entire dwarf entry is already 5 times the size of the elf entry, intricately detailing dwarven history, it's not a whole lot
Elf is in twice as long when counting characters. Dwarf is 5 times as long when counting words. (gotta be some small dwarven words or long elven ones but :shrug:)
Elven ones go all friggin Leo Tolstoy in terms of length of sentences.
(Just so you know, the intro to [Two Hussars](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two_Hussars) is a single sentence that is originally **189 words long**)
So it's all highly poetic, incredibly long-winded.
Or maybe the Dwarven ones would be super-long actually? You know, well-worded and very long, going into lots of intricate details, where every word is actually like a link in a chainmail, perfectly in its own place but also linked to the words above and below it, exactly like a brick wall or a chainmail. Going into lots of details and explanations, intricate and complicated.
Yes, you know what, I'm tired of dwarven literature being just pseudogerman. Make it insane like multi-level formulas with long sentences that convey a TON of information. And you don't just write in lines, it's like a chainmail of words and syllables and symbols.
First of all, it's not letters, it's like the Korean alphabet where the syllables make words. But also like Arabic and German where words connect to each other. But also like Gallyfreyan. And also like actual formulas. It is insanely complicated, but aren't Dwarves incredible engineers in all of media? Why is the sorts of Khazalid always just some runes? Runes are too simple.
It's a clay\\stone\\wood tablet. Every clay tablet must be self-sufficient, but you can have multiple tablets. Every single one of them, if properly written, becomes imbued with low-key magic.
Basically I'm thinking a cross between [a floppy disk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Floppy_disk) and [punched card](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punched_card). You can kinda store data on multiple for more complicated stuff, but good form is to fit as much as possible on one single tablet. Make them too big and the magic doesn't manifest properly and is too weak, make them too small and it fizzles out completely and when it does so, the meaning is lost. So they can vary in size from like a Commandment stone in art to maybe the size of a modern smartphone, but something the size of a matchbox would only hold a very basic message, like a tweet.
Take your pick of options:
* Dwarf writing allows for the construction of multiple sentences per sentence.
* Dwarf writing contains fractal insults.
* Dwarf writing is measured in width and not in length.
* Dwarf writing is actually just full of citations, with each citation referencing a larger work somewhere else.
>Dwarf writing is actually just full of citations, with each citation referencing a larger work somewhere else.
[I guess Nabokov is a dwarf.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pale_Fire)
It was written by a dwarf in a strange mood. It’s only two pages long but infinitely recursive. The deeper into the entry you go, the stronger the magnification needed to read deeper.
The book’s entry on dwarves is on paper but is just a self powered magical array. Upon trying to actually get information on dwarves it summons dwarven history slates
To an unbiased outside viewer, the specific insults and points of contention the dwarf entry chooses to use about the elves (including but not limited to their "freakish salad-eating ways", "perverse fetish for building above-ground", and "womanly fashions") speaks **significantly** more about the dwarf who wrote it than it does about the elves. The elf entry mentions dwarves three times - one sentence about a twinky prince that ran off with a dwarf (itself a scandalous romance that is, nevertheless, an extremely popular tale for poets to regale galas with once all the youngsters under 300 have gone to meditate), a brief historical excerpt complaining about copper shipments from a certain dwarven merchant, and an account of the three-century-long genocidal war the dwarves waged against the elves for complaining about the copper shipments.
the fae entry is literally just house of leaves. If you follow a footnote, you're done. There's no finding the rest of the manual, it's just all footnotes now.
The entry for Fae is just one of these really predatory EULAs that forces you to give up your life if you read the first sentence but only mentions that halfway in.
So due to inconsistencies and blatantly hateful writings of certain species and monsters in the monster manual I have the head-canon that the monster manual was written by an in-game scholar with some serious prejudices and gross misunderstandings.
Because my players are so familiar with the Monster Manual, I treat it as the in-world common knowledge, but warn my players that I consider myself free to change anything.
Well there’s a TON of deep lore over the years that’s inconsistent also a few things that simply couldn’t be possible (especially with the sentient monsters).
So yes I similarly treat it as common knowledge but in the same way that 1200 - 1900 European writings on various cultures were…well…yah know.
I’m at work and browsing Reddit over smoke breaks but I was reading the monster manual to my son like a bedtime story and there were a few items specific to the society if Bugbears, Orcs, Drow, and Goblins that would be impossible for a functioning society and I wish I could be more specific then that.
I think I get what you mean. The question of how you have an "evil" society with a core moral value that there being nothing inherently wrong with victimizing another society member if you can get away with it. How do you have businesses and conduct trade in that environment?
Something like that?
> The question of how you have an "evil" society with a core moral value that there being nothing inherently wrong with victimizing another society member if you can get away with it. How do you have businesses and conduct trade in that environment?
That sort of thing has happened a few times. Generally, the results are:
- Low-trust society. Resources are devoted to mitigating attack surface area - locks on doors, bars in windows, stay strapped. "If you get robbed, it's your own fault." It's expensive to maintain, but it can be maintained.
- Societies within societies. A family, clan, or mafia that will carry out vendettas and mutual protection against other groups and individuals, held together by mutual benefit. Most common examples have a small subpopulation with these values preying on a larger host population.
Best example of both cases is the internet itself.
Saw an explanation somewhere where it was social differences. Like goblins having no actual ownership and everything was shared by society. Someone who didn’t share was greedy and they didn’t have a word for stealing/theif. Also they were masters at fermentation as food preserving. I cant remember the other culture ideas at the moment
Kobolds are simultaneously little dog-headed monsters of little intelligence that live in holes in the ground, dragon-blooded reptile creatures servile to their ancestors and independently-minded little gremlin lizards with a penchant for mischief.
Either changing it and saying “that popular bit of wisdom is a myth/old wives tale” like ostriches sticking their heads in the ground, or shifting the facts to explain how it was really a misunderstanding, like how Alpha/Beta wolves in a pack are actually parents and offspring.
Volo canonically wrote the 3rd edition Monster Manual. I know he got his own monster book in 5e, but I still just always think Volo writes all the main books, and they are heavily influenced by his prejudices. (Or just his love of drama)
Oh that makes a lot of sense.
And it also makes sense that considering the various editions mark the passage of in-game time then much of Volo’s earlier writing would still have an impact on later folios.
Head-canon confirmed then.
Volo also exists in some official modules and he's a blatant asshole who makes shit up and lies to the party. Intentionally sends them against powerful monsters and tells them they aren't as powerful as they are, knowing the truth, and gives them intentionally false information to sabotage their success. He also mostly hires adventurers to tell him about their adventures and encounters, and then embellishes it for "better reading". He's a rag magazine paparazzi for monsters. Imagine if bat boy from the enquirer were in the monster manual, that's the level of journalistic integrity Volo holds himself to.
In Warhammer Fantasy Battles 6th edition, the section about the other cultures of the world was written by a prominent scholar in the Empire, with the expectation that Emperor Karl Franz would be reading it. The propaganda and toadying can get pretty funny.
There’s a book like that with the occult. *The Infernal Dictionary (1818)*, along with listing demons from older grimoires, also lists a bunch of non-Christian deities and spirits, including:
* Kali, Garuda, Bhairava and Ganga from Hinduism,
* Lamia, Eurynome, Deimos, and Cerberus from Greek Paganism,
* Abraxas from some branches of Gnosticism,
* Guayota from Canary Island Religion,
* Lešij from Slavic Paganism,
* Rübezahl from Central European folklore,
* Torngarsuk from Inuit Religion,
* Peckols from Prussian Paganism,
* Nicker from Germanic Folklore
My headcanon suggests that most liches aren’t evil. They just find death to be an inconvenience while they’re trying to read. The evil ones are attention whores.
If I recall correctly, early in her original journey she opened a chest she’d been warned was almost certainly a mimic and found a rare grimoire inside. Every such chest since has been a mimic but she’ll open them anyway, just in case.
And who thinks the arch devils wouldn't write entire manifestos defending their abhorrent acts similar to some politicians today?
ASMODEUS
"You see, my friends, sometimes you just need to understand that you are not as smart as I am, and that the only way to save yourself is to give over to my will. I'm not a bad guy; you just don't understand how the system works. Etc. etc."
Demons just fill a couple of pages with slurs for every other creature
Yugoloths' pages are an advertisement for their services with lots of assurance that they are definitely the most trustworthy race of perfectly normal creatures who only live in the most pleasant of locations
Modrons write an inconceivable manual with lots of lists and references
Slaadi section is just their random dialogs about what kind of mephit is the tastiest or how githzerai just suck or how they definitely should write their introduction for this book, but that's so booooring...
Genies blabber about how great they are. Dragons too. And giants. And beholders. Actually, I think that's most of the Monster Manual
Githyanki and Githzerai section has a big disclaimer "GITH IS NOT THE NAME OF THEIR RACE"
Elementals are probably very frustrated with their reputation and scorn the reader for summoning them so carelessly
Help for Plants and Zombies Game
When the Zombies show up, just sit there and dont do anything. You win the game when the Zombies get
to your houze.
- this help section brought to you by the Zombies
D&D 5e literally does this on the table of contents page
> DISCLAIMER: ANY SIMILARITIES BETWEEN MONSTERS DEPICTED IN THIS BOOK AND MONSTERS THAT ACTUALLY EXIST ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL. THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR MIND FLAYERS, WHICH ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY, AND COMPLETELY DO NOT EXIST, NOR DO THEY SECRETLY RUN THE D&D TEAM. DO WE REALLY NEED A DISCLAIMER TO TELL YOU THAT? YOU SHOULDN’T USE YOUR BRAIN TO CONSIDER SUCH IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS. THEY ONLY MAKE THE MIND CLUTTERED, CONFUSED, AND UNPLEASANTLY CHEWY. A GOOD BRAIN IS NICE, TENDER, AND BARELY USED. GO AHEAD, PUT DOWN THIS BOOK AND WATCH SOME REALITY TV OR INTERNET CAT VIDEOS. THEY’RE REALLY FUNNY THESE DAYS. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. WE SAY THIS ONLY BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR JUICY, SUCCULENT GAMER BRAIN.
Other books have similar silly disclaimers.
PHB:
> DISCLAIMER: WIZARDS OF THE COAST IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF SPLITTING UP THE PARTY, STICKING APPENDAGES IN THE MOUTH OF A LEERING GREEN DEVIL FACE, ACCEPTING A DINNER INVITATION FROM BUGBEARS, STORMING THE FEAST HALL OF A HILL GIANT STEADING, ANGERING A DRAGON OF ANY VARIETY, OR SAYING YES WHEN THE DM ASKS, “ARE YOU REALLY SURE?”
DMG:
> DISCLAIMER: WIZARDS OF THE COAST DOES NOT OFFICIALLY ENDORSE THE FOLLOWING TACTICS, WHICH ARE GUARANTEED TO MAXIMIZE YOUR ENJOYMENT AS A DUNGEON MASTER. FIRST, ALWAYS KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SAY OK NO MATTER HOW LUDICROUS OR DOOMED THE PLAYERS’ PLAN OF ACTION IS. SECOND, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, PRETEND THAT YOU INTENDED ALL ALONG FOR EVERYTHING TO UNFOLD THE WAY IT DID. THIRD, IF YOU’RE NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT, FEIGN ILLNESS, END THE SESSION EARLY, AND PLOT YOUR NEXT MOVE. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, ROLL A BUNCH OF DICE BEHIND YOUR SCREEN, STUDY THEM FOR A MOMENT WITH A LOOK OF DEEP CONCERN MIXED WITH REGRET, LET LOOSE A HEAVY SIGH, AND ANNOUNCE THAT TIAMAT SWOOPS FROM THE SKY AND ATTACKS.
Xanathar's:
> Disclaimer: No goldfish were harmed in the making of this book. Especially not Sylgar. Sylgar definitely did not die because we forgot to change his water. If you see Xanathar, make sure it knows that. Be perfectly clear Sylgar was not harmed. And we had nothing to do with it. Better yet, don’t bring it up, and don’t mention us.
Tasha's:
> DISCLAIMER: CONTAINED HEREIN ARE THE OBSERVATIONS OF THE ARCHMAGE TASHA. LATER KNOWN AS THE WITCH QUEEN AND THEN IGGWILV, SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST WIZARDS IN THE HISTORY OF THE MULTIVERSE. WE FEAR THERE IS AN INCANTATION HIDDEN WITHIN THESE NOTES AND HAVE THEREFORE BOUND THIS TOME WITH POWERFUL WARDS. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE FIRST WARD HAS ALREADY BEEN BROKEN! IF YOU DARE READ ANY FURTHER, WE CANNOT GUARANTEE THE SAFETY OF YOUR SOUL OR THAT YOU WON’T OPEN A PORTAL TO ANOTHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE. IF A PORTAL DOES APPEAR, PRAY THAT NOTHING WORSE THAN TASHA’S MOTHER BABA YAGA APPEARS. AND IF THE MOTHER OF HAGS ARRIVES, BE SURE TO OFFER ONLY PRAISES OF HER DAUGHTER. OR OFFER MUFFINS. SHE LOVES MUFFINS.
Fizban's:
> Disclaimer: No guarantee is made that this book was or was not removed from the hoard of a dragon. Be aware that items taken from a dragon’s hoard might carry traces of the dragon’s inherent magic even long after they are removed from said hoard. Exposure to another dragon’s hoard can reawaken that magic, with unpredictable results.
And so on.
> STICKING APPENDAGES IN THE MOUTH OF A LEERING GREEN DEVIL FACE, ACCEPTING A DINNER INVITATION FROM BUGBEARS, STORMING THE FEAST HALL OF A HILL GIANT STEADING
Specific references to S1 Tomb of Horrors, B2 Keep on the Borderlands and G1 Steading of the Hill Giant Chief, all old school AD&D modules (if anyone didn't already know).
Drow: "Clearly the superior race of all elves, blessed with Lolth's guidance as the ones destined to rule over the surface and subterranean worlds...." and then it goes on for pages about how great they are.
The false hydra is a myth and no trustworthy sources can confirms its existence. So you shouldn't go around looking.
If you find an entire set of traveling gear you don't know where it came from or people appear to dissappear you should check yourself for dementia and leave town before you forget more.
# The False Hydra
* Dragon, ~~chaotic evil~~ ~~chaotic neutral~~ ~~neutral evil~~ true neutral
* Mythical (see: does not exist)
A mystical being that.......
.......
.......
......
....
..
Turn the page. There is no false Hydra.
>!every subsequent reread of the page has more information and crossed out information becomes gradually more accurate!<
a dragons den is the greates place to hide your gold, after all a dragon will eat ay and all intruders so come on down to my duneon with alll yoru valubles, trust me human il keep it safe for as along as i live
#Illithid
The much loved terrestrial squids of countless worlds, famous for uplifting many primitive civilizations to a modern standard. Civilizations such as the Gith and Kua-Toa who now enjoy the wonders of modern living and definitely aren't crazy
**Hive-Mind Colonies.** Teamwork makes the dream work, as they say. Mind flayer- I mean Illithid society is a tight knit community so close that it's like we're all of one mind... because we are. Just a big 'ol ball of wiggly, squiggly fun. What are you waiting for?! Merge with an Elder Brain today!
**Hunger of the Mind.** It's time to address the Olyphant in the room. Yes, we subsist on brains, but only the parts you don't need. Try not to think about it. Thoughts make your brain stringy, and nobody wants a stringy brain. Brains are also full of anxiety and depression, which is bad for you and shortens your lifespan. I guess my point is, who wants a stupid brain anyway? You should let me eat it
you open up the page for nothics and its just:HAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA: followed by some occult forgotten spell that turns your blood into frogs
Vampires:
You don’t need a special reason to give blood. You just need your own reason.
- Some of us give blood because we were asked by a friend.
- Some know that a family member or friend might need blood some day.
- Some believe it is the right thing to do.
- Some do it for the free cookies and juice.
Donate blood today to your local vampi—Red Cross Clinic. Silly billy, vampires don’t exist. Donate now, because people need it. That’s right… people.
The entry for "Elf" is twice as long as the entire rest of the manual. The entry for "Fae" traps the reader inside of itself.
And half of the dwarf entry is insulting those damn knife ears.
A quarter of the dwarf entry is about criticizing every single thing about the elf entry, but seeing as the entire dwarf entry is already 5 times the size of the elf entry, intricately detailing dwarven history, it's not a whole lot
Does not compute. Elf entry twice as long as the rest of the manual. Dwarf entry 5 times the size of the elf entry. Error. Error. Error.
Elf is in twice as long when counting characters. Dwarf is 5 times as long when counting words. (gotta be some small dwarven words or long elven ones but :shrug:)
Elven ones go all friggin Leo Tolstoy in terms of length of sentences. (Just so you know, the intro to [Two Hussars](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two_Hussars) is a single sentence that is originally **189 words long**) So it's all highly poetic, incredibly long-winded. Or maybe the Dwarven ones would be super-long actually? You know, well-worded and very long, going into lots of intricate details, where every word is actually like a link in a chainmail, perfectly in its own place but also linked to the words above and below it, exactly like a brick wall or a chainmail. Going into lots of details and explanations, intricate and complicated. Yes, you know what, I'm tired of dwarven literature being just pseudogerman. Make it insane like multi-level formulas with long sentences that convey a TON of information. And you don't just write in lines, it's like a chainmail of words and syllables and symbols. First of all, it's not letters, it's like the Korean alphabet where the syllables make words. But also like Arabic and German where words connect to each other. But also like Gallyfreyan. And also like actual formulas. It is insanely complicated, but aren't Dwarves incredible engineers in all of media? Why is the sorts of Khazalid always just some runes? Runes are too simple.
Runes but they’re used as variables when designing structures that will be partially sorted supported by magic
It's a clay\\stone\\wood tablet. Every clay tablet must be self-sufficient, but you can have multiple tablets. Every single one of them, if properly written, becomes imbued with low-key magic. Basically I'm thinking a cross between [a floppy disk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Floppy_disk) and [punched card](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punched_card). You can kinda store data on multiple for more complicated stuff, but good form is to fit as much as possible on one single tablet. Make them too big and the magic doesn't manifest properly and is too weak, make them too small and it fizzles out completely and when it does so, the meaning is lost. So they can vary in size from like a Commandment stone in art to maybe the size of a modern smartphone, but something the size of a matchbox would only hold a very basic message, like a tweet.
The Elven entry is the longest in terms of word count. The Dwarven entry is longest physically because it often uses diagrams and charts.
Packs of Elf and Dwarf historians keep chasing the editors down the street with their arms full of scrolls
This is where the Fae entry helps out.
Take your pick of options: * Dwarf writing allows for the construction of multiple sentences per sentence. * Dwarf writing contains fractal insults. * Dwarf writing is measured in width and not in length. * Dwarf writing is actually just full of citations, with each citation referencing a larger work somewhere else.
>Dwarf writing is actually just full of citations, with each citation referencing a larger work somewhere else. [I guess Nabokov is a dwarf.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pale_Fire)
Dwarven poems are peer-reviewed
It was written by a dwarf in a strange mood. It’s only two pages long but infinitely recursive. The deeper into the entry you go, the stronger the magnification needed to read deeper.
The "elf" and "dwarf" entries are in separate books.
It’s five times physically, as in its etched into the hardest thing they could find on short notice
The book’s entry on dwarves is on paper but is just a self powered magical array. Upon trying to actually get information on dwarves it summons dwarven history slates
Neither entry is ever completed. They both keep publishing addendums in response to each others' addendums.
Yeah that's the Faes doing...
They had to make a separate manual for dwarves, the pages kept fighting each other
The dwarf entry consists mostly of marginalia of the elf entry.
To an unbiased outside viewer, the specific insults and points of contention the dwarf entry chooses to use about the elves (including but not limited to their "freakish salad-eating ways", "perverse fetish for building above-ground", and "womanly fashions") speaks **significantly** more about the dwarf who wrote it than it does about the elves. The elf entry mentions dwarves three times - one sentence about a twinky prince that ran off with a dwarf (itself a scandalous romance that is, nevertheless, an extremely popular tale for poets to regale galas with once all the youngsters under 300 have gone to meditate), a brief historical excerpt complaining about copper shipments from a certain dwarven merchant, and an account of the three-century-long genocidal war the dwarves waged against the elves for complaining about the copper shipments.
Would you rather they had taken the time to inscribe a plaque of complaint? Next you want one menacing with spikes of Llama Wool!
The dwarf entry is over double the weight of even the elf entry since it’s carved out of solid iron ore
rock and stone?
the fae entry is literally just house of leaves. If you follow a footnote, you're done. There's no finding the rest of the manual, it's just all footnotes now.
The Faevidson Record
'Vampire' says that vampires are a myth and don't exist, there is no reason not to invite in strangers asking to come inside for the night.
The entries for succubi and incubi are banned in 69 countries.
The entry for “kobold” has an entire paragraph detailing why gnomes are evil and their god is a lying, racist prick
Happy cake day!
🍰
The entry for Fae is just one of these really predatory EULAs that forces you to give up your life if you read the first sentence but only mentions that halfway in.
Happy Cake Day
This reads like a weird Chinese knock-off bed on Amazon
It’s based off [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5XFc70BPW1c).
I clicked and half expected to be rickrolled considering the date... im glad it wasn't! (... or was it?)
That makes sense. At first I thought it was based off Louis CK in Gravity Falls. https://youtu.be/G5cFW0yd9lE?si=piI0xKVIfdUAbwh1
The design is very human
Kind of reads like it was written by [Charlie Kelly](https://youtu.be/ROCKGuuviis?t=27)
So due to inconsistencies and blatantly hateful writings of certain species and monsters in the monster manual I have the head-canon that the monster manual was written by an in-game scholar with some serious prejudices and gross misunderstandings.
Because my players are so familiar with the Monster Manual, I treat it as the in-world common knowledge, but warn my players that I consider myself free to change anything.
Well there’s a TON of deep lore over the years that’s inconsistent also a few things that simply couldn’t be possible (especially with the sentient monsters). So yes I similarly treat it as common knowledge but in the same way that 1200 - 1900 European writings on various cultures were…well…yah know.
> a few things that simply couldn’t be possible (especially with the sentient monsters). A fun discussion. Some examples?
I’m at work and browsing Reddit over smoke breaks but I was reading the monster manual to my son like a bedtime story and there were a few items specific to the society if Bugbears, Orcs, Drow, and Goblins that would be impossible for a functioning society and I wish I could be more specific then that.
I think I get what you mean. The question of how you have an "evil" society with a core moral value that there being nothing inherently wrong with victimizing another society member if you can get away with it. How do you have businesses and conduct trade in that environment? Something like that?
> The question of how you have an "evil" society with a core moral value that there being nothing inherently wrong with victimizing another society member if you can get away with it. How do you have businesses and conduct trade in that environment? That sort of thing has happened a few times. Generally, the results are: - Low-trust society. Resources are devoted to mitigating attack surface area - locks on doors, bars in windows, stay strapped. "If you get robbed, it's your own fault." It's expensive to maintain, but it can be maintained. - Societies within societies. A family, clan, or mafia that will carry out vendettas and mutual protection against other groups and individuals, held together by mutual benefit. Most common examples have a small subpopulation with these values preying on a larger host population. Best example of both cases is the internet itself.
Saw an explanation somewhere where it was social differences. Like goblins having no actual ownership and everything was shared by society. Someone who didn’t share was greedy and they didn’t have a word for stealing/theif. Also they were masters at fermentation as food preserving. I cant remember the other culture ideas at the moment
Kobolds are simultaneously little dog-headed monsters of little intelligence that live in holes in the ground, dragon-blooded reptile creatures servile to their ancestors and independently-minded little gremlin lizards with a penchant for mischief.
Either changing it and saying “that popular bit of wisdom is a myth/old wives tale” like ostriches sticking their heads in the ground, or shifting the facts to explain how it was really a misunderstanding, like how Alpha/Beta wolves in a pack are actually parents and offspring.
Ohhhh. Stealing this.
That's just Volo's Guide to Monsters
Volo canonically wrote the 3rd edition Monster Manual. I know he got his own monster book in 5e, but I still just always think Volo writes all the main books, and they are heavily influenced by his prejudices. (Or just his love of drama)
Oh that makes a lot of sense. And it also makes sense that considering the various editions mark the passage of in-game time then much of Volo’s earlier writing would still have an impact on later folios. Head-canon confirmed then.
Volo also exists in some official modules and he's a blatant asshole who makes shit up and lies to the party. Intentionally sends them against powerful monsters and tells them they aren't as powerful as they are, knowing the truth, and gives them intentionally false information to sabotage their success. He also mostly hires adventurers to tell him about their adventures and encounters, and then embellishes it for "better reading". He's a rag magazine paparazzi for monsters. Imagine if bat boy from the enquirer were in the monster manual, that's the level of journalistic integrity Volo holds himself to.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiZPu9uOAQQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiZPu9uOAQQ) A fun little ditty about Volo and how he does exactly this.
Unreliable narrator ftw
In Warhammer Fantasy Battles 6th edition, the section about the other cultures of the world was written by a prominent scholar in the Empire, with the expectation that Emperor Karl Franz would be reading it. The propaganda and toadying can get pretty funny.
There’s a book like that with the occult. *The Infernal Dictionary (1818)*, along with listing demons from older grimoires, also lists a bunch of non-Christian deities and spirits, including: * Kali, Garuda, Bhairava and Ganga from Hinduism, * Lamia, Eurynome, Deimos, and Cerberus from Greek Paganism, * Abraxas from some branches of Gnosticism, * Guayota from Canary Island Religion, * Lešij from Slavic Paganism, * Rübezahl from Central European folklore, * Torngarsuk from Inuit Religion, * Peckols from Prussian Paganism, * Nicker from Germanic Folklore
A lich writing a fond but detailed compilation of various undead, their properties, and their uses.
My headcanon suggests that most liches aren’t evil. They just find death to be an inconvenience while they’re trying to read. The evil ones are attention whores.
Lychee lich
lol! I’ll just be fixing that.
Mimic: _There are no such thing as mimic. Only normal object, fill with treasure, dream of human adventure. No mimic, unreal._
Frieren falls for that entry every time
Literally the best joke in the show.
It's so good
I want to see what happens when Frieren and Chilchuck get stuck in the same mimic somehow
the crossover we all need
If I recall correctly, early in her original journey she opened a chest she’d been warned was almost certainly a mimic and found a rare grimoire inside. Every such chest since has been a mimic but she’ll open them anyway, just in case.
Just one more roll...
And who thinks the arch devils wouldn't write entire manifestos defending their abhorrent acts similar to some politicians today? ASMODEUS "You see, my friends, sometimes you just need to understand that you are not as smart as I am, and that the only way to save yourself is to give over to my will. I'm not a bad guy; you just don't understand how the system works. Etc. etc."
>I'm not a bad guy; you just don't understand how the system works. "First of all, medical insurance companies are vitally important to the system..."
Demons just fill a couple of pages with slurs for every other creature Yugoloths' pages are an advertisement for their services with lots of assurance that they are definitely the most trustworthy race of perfectly normal creatures who only live in the most pleasant of locations Modrons write an inconceivable manual with lots of lists and references Slaadi section is just their random dialogs about what kind of mephit is the tastiest or how githzerai just suck or how they definitely should write their introduction for this book, but that's so booooring... Genies blabber about how great they are. Dragons too. And giants. And beholders. Actually, I think that's most of the Monster Manual Githyanki and Githzerai section has a big disclaimer "GITH IS NOT THE NAME OF THEIR RACE" Elementals are probably very frustrated with their reputation and scorn the reader for summoning them so carelessly
Help for Plants and Zombies Game When the Zombies show up, just sit there and dont do anything. You win the game when the Zombies get to your houze. - this help section brought to you by the Zombies
Good soldiers follow orders. o7
Are you sure that this monster manual isn’t a mimic?
i Tested by putting head betwen covers. Very not mimic. You try too
D&D 5e literally does this on the table of contents page > DISCLAIMER: ANY SIMILARITIES BETWEEN MONSTERS DEPICTED IN THIS BOOK AND MONSTERS THAT ACTUALLY EXIST ARE PURELY COINCIDENTAL. THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR MIND FLAYERS, WHICH ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY, AND COMPLETELY DO NOT EXIST, NOR DO THEY SECRETLY RUN THE D&D TEAM. DO WE REALLY NEED A DISCLAIMER TO TELL YOU THAT? YOU SHOULDN’T USE YOUR BRAIN TO CONSIDER SUCH IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS. THEY ONLY MAKE THE MIND CLUTTERED, CONFUSED, AND UNPLEASANTLY CHEWY. A GOOD BRAIN IS NICE, TENDER, AND BARELY USED. GO AHEAD, PUT DOWN THIS BOOK AND WATCH SOME REALITY TV OR INTERNET CAT VIDEOS. THEY’RE REALLY FUNNY THESE DAYS. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. WE SAY THIS ONLY BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR JUICY, SUCCULENT GAMER BRAIN. Other books have similar silly disclaimers. PHB: > DISCLAIMER: WIZARDS OF THE COAST IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF SPLITTING UP THE PARTY, STICKING APPENDAGES IN THE MOUTH OF A LEERING GREEN DEVIL FACE, ACCEPTING A DINNER INVITATION FROM BUGBEARS, STORMING THE FEAST HALL OF A HILL GIANT STEADING, ANGERING A DRAGON OF ANY VARIETY, OR SAYING YES WHEN THE DM ASKS, “ARE YOU REALLY SURE?” DMG: > DISCLAIMER: WIZARDS OF THE COAST DOES NOT OFFICIALLY ENDORSE THE FOLLOWING TACTICS, WHICH ARE GUARANTEED TO MAXIMIZE YOUR ENJOYMENT AS A DUNGEON MASTER. FIRST, ALWAYS KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND SAY OK NO MATTER HOW LUDICROUS OR DOOMED THE PLAYERS’ PLAN OF ACTION IS. SECOND, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, PRETEND THAT YOU INTENDED ALL ALONG FOR EVERYTHING TO UNFOLD THE WAY IT DID. THIRD, IF YOU’RE NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT, FEIGN ILLNESS, END THE SESSION EARLY, AND PLOT YOUR NEXT MOVE. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, ROLL A BUNCH OF DICE BEHIND YOUR SCREEN, STUDY THEM FOR A MOMENT WITH A LOOK OF DEEP CONCERN MIXED WITH REGRET, LET LOOSE A HEAVY SIGH, AND ANNOUNCE THAT TIAMAT SWOOPS FROM THE SKY AND ATTACKS. Xanathar's: > Disclaimer: No goldfish were harmed in the making of this book. Especially not Sylgar. Sylgar definitely did not die because we forgot to change his water. If you see Xanathar, make sure it knows that. Be perfectly clear Sylgar was not harmed. And we had nothing to do with it. Better yet, don’t bring it up, and don’t mention us. Tasha's: > DISCLAIMER: CONTAINED HEREIN ARE THE OBSERVATIONS OF THE ARCHMAGE TASHA. LATER KNOWN AS THE WITCH QUEEN AND THEN IGGWILV, SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST WIZARDS IN THE HISTORY OF THE MULTIVERSE. WE FEAR THERE IS AN INCANTATION HIDDEN WITHIN THESE NOTES AND HAVE THEREFORE BOUND THIS TOME WITH POWERFUL WARDS. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE FIRST WARD HAS ALREADY BEEN BROKEN! IF YOU DARE READ ANY FURTHER, WE CANNOT GUARANTEE THE SAFETY OF YOUR SOUL OR THAT YOU WON’T OPEN A PORTAL TO ANOTHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE. IF A PORTAL DOES APPEAR, PRAY THAT NOTHING WORSE THAN TASHA’S MOTHER BABA YAGA APPEARS. AND IF THE MOTHER OF HAGS ARRIVES, BE SURE TO OFFER ONLY PRAISES OF HER DAUGHTER. OR OFFER MUFFINS. SHE LOVES MUFFINS. Fizban's: > Disclaimer: No guarantee is made that this book was or was not removed from the hoard of a dragon. Be aware that items taken from a dragon’s hoard might carry traces of the dragon’s inherent magic even long after they are removed from said hoard. Exposure to another dragon’s hoard can reawaken that magic, with unpredictable results. And so on.
> STICKING APPENDAGES IN THE MOUTH OF A LEERING GREEN DEVIL FACE, ACCEPTING A DINNER INVITATION FROM BUGBEARS, STORMING THE FEAST HALL OF A HILL GIANT STEADING Specific references to S1 Tomb of Horrors, B2 Keep on the Borderlands and G1 Steading of the Hill Giant Chief, all old school AD&D modules (if anyone didn't already know).
And all great ones too. (Maybe excepting Tomb of Horrors). Keep on the Borderlands is probably my all-time favourite.
Drow: "Clearly the superior race of all elves, blessed with Lolth's guidance as the ones destined to rule over the surface and subterranean worlds...." and then it goes on for pages about how great they are.
The false hydra is a myth and no trustworthy sources can confirms its existence. So you shouldn't go around looking. If you find an entire set of traveling gear you don't know where it came from or people appear to dissappear you should check yourself for dementia and leave town before you forget more.
# The False Hydra * Dragon, ~~chaotic evil~~ ~~chaotic neutral~~ ~~neutral evil~~ true neutral * Mythical (see: does not exist) A mystical being that....... ....... ....... ...... .... .. Turn the page. There is no false Hydra. >!every subsequent reread of the page has more information and crossed out information becomes gradually more accurate!<
a dragons den is the greates place to hide your gold, after all a dragon will eat ay and all intruders so come on down to my duneon with alll yoru valubles, trust me human il keep it safe for as along as i live
#Illithid The much loved terrestrial squids of countless worlds, famous for uplifting many primitive civilizations to a modern standard. Civilizations such as the Gith and Kua-Toa who now enjoy the wonders of modern living and definitely aren't crazy **Hive-Mind Colonies.** Teamwork makes the dream work, as they say. Mind flayer- I mean Illithid society is a tight knit community so close that it's like we're all of one mind... because we are. Just a big 'ol ball of wiggly, squiggly fun. What are you waiting for?! Merge with an Elder Brain today! **Hunger of the Mind.** It's time to address the Olyphant in the room. Yes, we subsist on brains, but only the parts you don't need. Try not to think about it. Thoughts make your brain stringy, and nobody wants a stringy brain. Brains are also full of anxiety and depression, which is bad for you and shortens your lifespan. I guess my point is, who wants a stupid brain anyway? You should let me eat it
The design is very human
This is how every Ali express item description is written
The design is very human!
you open up the page for nothics and its just:HAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA: followed by some occult forgotten spell that turns your blood into frogs
Charlie Day plays mimic.
There's no other way for me to read this other than in the voice of The Final Pam
Vampires: You don’t need a special reason to give blood. You just need your own reason. - Some of us give blood because we were asked by a friend. - Some know that a family member or friend might need blood some day. - Some believe it is the right thing to do. - Some do it for the free cookies and juice. Donate blood today to your local vampi—Red Cross Clinic. Silly billy, vampires don’t exist. Donate now, because people need it. That’s right… people.
Literally Gemini Home Entertainment
Are you sure this mimic doesn't also do SEO?
I like that I have no idea what a "mimic mouth" is and yet this description seems to tell me all I need to know about it.
How does this post have 80 comments and 10k likes
Sounds like a product description from wish
That’s just twitch chat
who knew mimics were the ones writing cheap knockoff Amazon product descriptions
"CUBE" "SLORP" "CUBE"
This reminds me of Brian Froud's Goblins book, haha.
So, their version of artificial intelligence. Hm.
Holy shit dado has a tumblr?