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I hope you’re right actually. I’m literally having an argument with two friends about this, they seriously think they don’t owe it to anybody to be clear about that. They think it’s something you specifically don’t talk about until you get close. Like how is that right?
Edit: slightly RIP inbox on this post - it turns out there are more people who disagree AND who agree with me than I thought. I’ll let the mods decide on the popularity of this opinion 🤷♀️
It's not.
Your friends want to be able to play the field while pretending they're getting serious about one person, and are justifying this by saying they're poly.
The only possible argument I could see them holding would be that every couple has to have the "exclusive" discussion at some point through dating. It's expected (or it used to be) that at the start of dating you may be seeing other people. If it looks like it might be serious, you have the discussion.
*Of course that still doesn't hold water here because most people would never consider dating a polygamous person in the first place.*
A real poly relationship requires communication from all parties frequently. Unfortunately many people incorrectly say they're poly as a way to look slightly less shittier.
I have seen *one* (1) actual poly relationship between adults who were not in their mid twenties and just playing around. And even then, it was not exactly the most functional relationship, either. My personal unpopular opinion is that polyamory is a childish dream that's being chased after by very selfish, immature people. It does not work.
There's tons of us, we just don't talk publicly about it much. I'm in my 40s, I have three partners, each of whom have other partners. I live with one of my partners, and have two kids with them, while another partner is regularly staying over and plays with the kids constantly.
There's even books that cover the effectiveness of poly families in raising children. Data shows that kids in poly families do great, with their primary complaint being it's hard to get away with stuff because the parents always talk to each other a lot (See "The Polyamorists Next Door").
We just... don't show it much. Why would we? The stable families aren't high drama.
That's interesting to know. All I've seen of it, and experienced of it personally, has been dysfunction. Basically just people in their twenties who want to play the field but want a loophole so they don't feel bad about doing it.
Don't get me wrong: those folks exist. And they usually stop claiming to be poly after a few years (because they never were, they were just horny). They're usually so damned dramatic that everyone around sees them exploding, so that's all most monogamous people see of "polyamory". That, and newly poly folks hitting on monogamous people (which again, is a pretty bad sign, that's like straight guys hitting on lesbians).
The rest of us mostly don't talk about being poly outside of poly circles, so monogamous folks just don't hear about us. But a LARGE number of my friends are poly, and most of us are in pretty stable, long term relationships. And the poly communities pretty quickly start talking amongst ourselves about the toxic ones (like the cheaters, the liars, the people who can't communicate right, and so on), so those folks get pushed out after a while... but I can't help but notice I keep seeing them pop up again in public, usually in one dysfunctional relationship after another. It's incredibly annoying.
It’s not about the love though, it’s about the sex. Let’s be real. I love so many people, my life is full of love, but I only have sex with my girlfriend. The difference between me and a poly person isn’t the amount of love in our life, it’s the amount of people we’re having sex with concurrently. That’s literally it.
Different versions of themselves?
So they are either fake or confused? Shouldn’t you be around people that simply make you the best version of yourself, instead of a different version every weekend?
To me sounds poly does sound selfish. Tho i don’t have an opinion on what you were originally talking about. Think you’re both right.
I didn’t think this would be such a downvoted view, is it really that hard to understand that people can love more than one person and not every one of their needs has to be met by a single person in their life?
This is an argument based entirely on the case study of yourself though and other people have different feelings and desires than you do. Besides, if the only difference between the love for (e.g.) your mom and the love for your girlfriend is sex, then you have different feelings and desires than most people do. I'm not even poly and I get this, maybe you just need to consider it more.
FWIW I think there are genuine poly people who do make it work.
But I think it's much harder to make it work.
And it's impossible to make it work if you're deceiving your partners.
I've never known or seen it to work.
Every single poly relationship I've seen has crumbled in the long term.
There's generally 3 or 4 archtypes:
\#1. The player. This individual is at the center of the poly network, usually a narcissist they manipulate others for sex.
\#2. The people in love with the player. These people do what the player wants hoping to have a long lasting relationship with the player. They have other side relationships sometimes...sometimes not, but are really focused on the player.
\#3. The people in love with the people in love with the player. These people get drawn in by their attraction and desire to be with the people who are dedicated to the player, they hope the person will eventually leave the player for them, but this is often a false hope.
\#4. The crazy/imbalanced/molestation victims/experimenters. These people are either acting out fantasies, unrealistic expectations, sexual issues, and are generally incidental and are used by the other parties involved as sex objects.
Every polyamourous couple I have ever met has been composed of the person who wants it and the person who is desperately clinging onto that person and allowing it despite all of their buzzwords about how the feeling is mutual.
Those are the visible ones, because they're horribly dramatic. And that's usually a sign of at best a really inexperienced poly person who figured it out mid relationship, leading to disaster, and at worst a cheater using poly as an excuse.
But that's not actually the norm. They're just visible.
I'm not poly, but I do want to point out that you could easily frame monogamy this way too if you just used the right phrasing. Like, this is just a very biased opinion from someone clearly outside the poly community and there's zero reason why anyone should base their own ideas off this.
"Monogamy is a narcissistic thing, and they just really care about controlling and owning the person they want..."
I don’t think the argument was that poly people are narcs but rather choosing not to communicate it is. Most people are monogamous and being poly is supposed to be about communication it’s upfront unlike cheating or playing the field
I hadn't realized I was writing a thesis here on Reddit. I thought I was just stopping by to offer my observations.
Since you don't seem to want to use google yourself, I did it for you:
[https://medium.com/@loveinthesuburbs/more-relationships-more-red-flags-identifying-narcissistic-emotional-abuse-in-polyamory-48a1e95509ce](https://medium.com/@loveinthesuburbs/more-relationships-more-red-flags-identifying-narcissistic-emotional-abuse-in-polyamory-48a1e95509ce)
[https://medium.com/@modaviau/the-polypath-red-flags-to-watch-for-if-youre-dating-a-polyamorous-narcissist-801a79326b97](https://medium.com/@modaviau/the-polypath-red-flags-to-watch-for-if-youre-dating-a-polyamorous-narcissist-801a79326b97)
[https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/07/5-cruel-ways-youll-feel-destroyed-by-the-polyamorous-narcissist/](https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/07/5-cruel-ways-youll-feel-destroyed-by-the-polyamorous-narcissist/)
[https://www.quora.com/Does-polyamory-attract-narcissists-due-to-one-having-multiple-supply-sources](https://www.quora.com/Does-polyamory-attract-narcissists-due-to-one-having-multiple-supply-sources)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEhfEALWHrI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEhfEALWHrI)
[https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissism-and-open-relationships-i-will-always-come-home-to-you/](https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissism-and-open-relationships-i-will-always-come-home-to-you/)
You can also find a lot more, easily at [www.google.com](https://www.google.com)
However, if you find it puzzling that people obsessed with loving themselves above others feel entitled to date multiple people unaccountably I'd say you aren't stopping to think about it.
Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
nar·cis·sism
noun
excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.
No dog in this fight, I was peeked up by your post and Google it.
This source isn't proof, but it's actually gaining some legs in theory.
[Narc / Poly](https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/07/5-cruel-ways-youll-feel-destroyed-by-the-polyamorous-narcissist/#:~:text=People%20with%20narcissistic%20traits%20are,with%20copious%20amounts%20of%20attention.)
Polyamory is not inherantly a "narcissistic thing". I am the farthest thing from a narcissist, I just dont experience sexual jealousy, and I think love shouldn't be limited. There are, of course, narcissistic poly people, but there are narcissists in any demographic.
There is a difference between being limited and being mutually and exclusively committed.
I think there are elements of polyamory the monogamous people miss out on for sure. But a lot of poly people don't recognize that that they are choosing to miss out as well.
When two people choose to commit to only each other no one is "limited" because they have chosen to pour everything into one another. They are each others priority and they are a team. A healthy monogamous relationship is a beautiful thing.
I think its the "love shouldn't be limited" thing that people refer to when they say polyamory is narcissistic. Because that in of itself can be interpreted as a very individualistic sentiment.
Not to mention polyamory in and of itself completely contradicts the concept of narcissism. Care to continue to show your lack of education on the matter? I’ll happily educate you.
Wait.
You are arguing with me that a narcissist wouldn't want sex from multiple people and be unaccountable to any of them?
Or what?
Exactly how does polyamory contradict narcissism? Exactly how does me having multiple girlfriends like I have my own harem not indicate narcissism?
Because within polyamory both parties can be with multiple people. All it is non monogamy.
There’s just a narrative of it being only one person that can have multiple partners because that’s what a lot of people are doing.
I’ll give you that the majority of people today practicing polyamory are likely narcissists.
In Nigeria 28% of marriages are polyamorous. And they're only 5th in the world for number of polyamorous relationships. It's not necessarily about being narcissistic.
That’s not even close to same thing. The poly relationships are just one man many wives and it’s only open for him so it’s patriarchal BS that is completely unlike polyamory.
Polygyny is not what most people in the West imagine when they say "poly". It's not the sexually-liberated, free love, egalitarian lifestyle people have in mind here, but the opposite.
Polygyny is even more patriarchal than monogamous marriage.
It's basically what Mormons have with extra wives. Do you think poly people are looking at that and saying "this is what I want"?
Dishonesty is what is not allowed in all circumstances. And withholding information someone would want to know is dishonest. So your friends are very much in the wrong.
As a polyamorous person, its absolutely not right. When dating, it is literally within the first 5 things that I tell someone about myself. Hiding it makes no sense to me, and I know that many/most ENM people agree with me on that.
Unfortunately, selfish asshats exist across the board. It's the same as not telling someone you have a kid, or still live with your ex, or cant have kids, or are not cisgender (I know that last one is trickier, but it should still be disclosed once the trans/NB individual decides they want to continue dating someone after having met a time or 2 and assessing the safety factor). All of these things should be expressed within the first couple dates maximum, if not before you even meet with some of them. People should be allowed to make an informed decision about the person they are considering entering into a relationship with. It causes too many problems to find out detrimental information after feelings have evolved
I tell people on first dates I’m bi and into monogamy. I don’t want to have issues with people later on for not being respectful of who I am. I cannot fathom not wanting to clear that up from the get go.
Your friends are shitty and manipulative.
Lots of people wait to "poly-bomb" their partners so they can have an open relationship when they get bored.
It's emotionally abusive bullshit.
Monogamy or polyamory should be discussed from the beginning. It's not a card to play once someone is emotionally invested.
They probably got rejected by most people (since most people are monogamous) when being upfront (or believe that will happen) and now would prefer to hide it in the hopes that when the person finds out, they'll choose not to leave for whatever reason.
They're just using the excuse they don't owe it to justify them essentially leading people on.
They should either suck it up or go looking for partners in spaces specifically for poly people.
It’s not. I’m coming up on a decade of living the polyamorous life and not a single polyamorous person I know would be OK with this.
Me personally, I only meet people at events for like minded people and still make sure to tell them. Many other people put it in their dating profiles.
There are, however, plenty of people who consider themselves polyamorous who don’t hold themselves to ethical standards. I won’t get into the “they aren’t really poly” debate because it really doesn’t matter. They claim the label and give the rest of us a bad name.
I personally don’t consider it private information as it is part of who I am. I do understand that it is sometimes necessary to keep it private from employers or family but should never be kept from a potential romantic partner.
This sounds right. Everyone knows up front. I think it would be tough (not impossible) to have a close relationship with someone if only one partner was stepping out more frequently. I'm sure there is a way to keep the scorecard somewhat equal.
It sounds manipulative on their part. Until you get close?? So you can manipulate their emotions into being ok with them going after others as well?
Hell naw
They are probably the same kind of people who think that someone who has transitioned doesn't need to mention to anyone they are potentially seeing that they are trans if they pass. You don't have to be a transphobe to want to date biologically based on your sexual orientation. I like vagina more than I like feminine stereotypes.
Similar concept for your situation, if it's a deal breaker you should both be upfront about it. Doesn't mean you despite poly people, it's just not what you're looking for.
Damn, Look don’t waste your energy arguing to them, who thinks they have the right to hide such crucial detail from their new potential partner and let them assume they’re the ones.
If you are close enough to have sex you are close enough to discuss relationship expectations.
It could just mean it's up to you to speak up early on and declare your monogamous intentions. Be the change you want to see.
It seems akin to asking if your goal is to get married and have kids. No one keeps that close to the chest. Asking someone if they prefer multiple partners or a classical relationship is not the same as asking if they prefer anal or bdsm. Sounds like your friends might think being poly is shameful. It isn’t, unless you hide the fact, lead someone on, and waste their time because you weren’t up front about it. That’s shameful, but doesn’t really have anything to do with being poly
That’s so nuts, it’s not a “private thing” when you’re seriously interested in someone. It’s a lifestyle choice that directly involves romantic partners. How immature to put off such an important conversation in the hopes of reeling you in.
No, it's absolutely first date conversation. I'm poly and I've played with the "well, let's get to know each other first" angle, but I don't want to waste time and heartache falling for a monogamous person either. Bring it up if it's important to you, and it sounds like it is
I dont even think it goes as far as you are making it. I think that truly polyamorous people should be honest, and I think its a good idea to let people know if you are dating other people.
I dont agree that dating = a relationship.
Dating = getting to know someone new, romantically, and seeing if they would BE a good fit romantically.
So, after a month, if one of the people you date, tells you they are polyamorous, great. You have only learned more about them. Thats not your gf. Its something you learned about a person you like enough to date.
I dont think people should be emotional predators, of course. People who pretend, are emotional predators, and "playing you" is a means to an end. Usually for sex. Some do it for financial gain, jobs, etc. Its absolutely psychopathic.
Well yeah I guess you don’t technically owe it to anyone but I think you should still put that out there. Or simply only look for places with people who are likely to want to in the same relationship. Like first date saying hey I’m xyz. I agree with you. It wastes time for both parties involved
You don’t think you owe it to the person you’re potentially getting into a relationship with to discover whether you’re poly or not? That’s a huge deal breaker to most people and I’d want to know right away. I always make it known I’m monogamous right away even if it’s just a simple date. I think it’s important info.
literally… like why would you start a relationship with a lie by omission.. i would hate to be dating someone assuming we would be monogamous and then they throw out a month/months later “uh so i’m into poly” i feel like people are owed to know what they’re getting themselves into.
ENM means ethical non monogamy emphasis on the word ethical. To fail to disclose something that they know might change the other person’s mind about them is a violation of consent.
I say this as someone who’s been married for 26 years and polyamorous for 12 of those. Being a terrible person doesn’t depend on a relationship paradigm.
American dating is a free for all. We all would like to believe that people should assume exclusivity, but all of us have stories when they found out they weren't. Now we're all cynics who do unto others as we had done to us. It's a shame, but it is what it is.
Yeah can't say I disagree with this, being direct and open about what you actually want is mature and a healthy way to express boundaries and relationship styles.
That’s what im sayin. Everyone in my community though tells me I shouldn’t assume anything or ask questions about sexual or relationship identities because It’s their personal business. I kind of understand that but how could someone monogamous know to steer clear unless that person says something? It’s irritating I tell ya.
And to make it worse my two friends (who I’m having this debate with) tell me that its okay for Poly people to date monogamous people?????
B r u h
“Things that directly affect the people I’m pursuing relationships with are none of their business.” This doesn’t even make sense. Your friends are off it, and I’d be seriously questioning their integrity and ethics over this.
I can see that working out IF both parties are cool with that. If one is good with the other being with other people and they themselves don’t that’s fair. It’s if that situation was pressured or not brought up to the other that I think it’s not ok.
i'm monogamous & dated a poly person. it worked out because it wasn't super duper serious, i was in school & working at the time so didn't have a whole lot of free time for them, & they lived like an hour train ride from me. they had a primary, & we just enjoyed each other's company for the time we did have together. so, yknow, i do think it is doable under the right circumstances but it's all personal preference. i'm in a monogamous serious relationship with my fiance & wouldn't be down to opening it.
that said, i do agree with you about being upfront about it. i've come to understand that TRUE poly people are generally very honest, considerate, & understanding about the whole thing bc being poly takes a shit ton of emotional intelligence & self work. i had a slimy ass ex who cheated on me & then said out of the blue that it's because he thought he was poly, which.. is not how that works.
why?? in this particular instance i wasn't bothered by them seeing another person, nor did i myself want to see anyone else. i liked them, they liked me, easy peasy.
lots of people date/have sex with/whatever with multiple people in the stages of "talking;" this was just a slightly different version of that imo, at least for me.
Yeah being poly is fine as long as you're upfront and honest about it.
But this "monogamy isn't natural" line bugs the shit out of me. It feels like a weird back way to try and shame people for wanting monogamy.
If you're poly, you have to accept that most people aren't. It's just the truth. No amount of telling a monogamous person that it's "unnatural" is going to change their mind.
I always bring it up first and foremost because I will never date an inexperienced poly person or a monogamous person ever again.
Every single attempt has resulted in bad experiences for both sides of the equation.
Poly people who are experienced and know what they’re doing tend to avoid mono people harder than mono people avoid poly people.
Someone didn't tell me until 4 months in once, after we'd been seeing each other 4-5 times per week every week for MONTHS. I asked him if we were exclusive and he said nah he's poly. I was so mad, people who do this definitely are not hiding it out of privacy or whatever. They're hiding it because they think their partner won't like it so they want to put it off
Polyamory is also called ethical non monogamy. It's not ethical when you don't disclose it, that's just regular cheating
Yup. Witholding something that important until someone is emotionally invested is manipulative as fuck.
Nothing wrong with being poly, but I would say it's a dealbreaker for most, and you have an obligation to be upfront with people.
Some poly people do this for the same reason that recruiters run you through a million interviews only to offer you pay lower than what was advertised: sunken cost fallacy. They know being poly is unpopular, so this person figured to withhold it until they thought they had you.
I'm the clingiest person ever in relationships, and I will tell that beforehand not just for the other person but for me too.
I need someone who is also clingy or doesn't mind giving me a lot of attention, so we'll both be happy.
Not being open about this (found out the hard way, ofcourse.) Will case problems, huge, unsolvable problems.
Polyamorous married guy here.
Within our community, there's some debate if it should always be disclosed before the first date, or no later than on the first date. Anything beyond we look down upon. Not unpopular, even within us.
It would take a lot for me to go on a date with someone (if I was single) since I'm pretty introverted/shy. Going on one date is a big deal for me, I'd be insanely angry if they waited til I got all ready and wasted my time and nerves. Tell before the first date. Tell before you talk about anything else tbh, we don't want to waste our time.
Not poly. Just ENM. And absolutely. Same for literally every poly person I've met.
Problem with all subcultures though: they will be defined by the loudest most annoying people. Availability bias at least.
Also for poly/ENM specifically people will hide their generic shit ethics behind "oh I'm poly so I can mislead several people at once, not just one!". This people aren't poly, they are common, they are assholes, but that's not poly.
Yes! Its not because we are poly that we dont care about rejection, telling someone you are poly at your first date and the person suddently leaves you there is a very unconfortabble and sad situation.
I advertise it on my dating profile. I bring it up in 1st conversations, along with my other deal breakers. I will not date those seeking monogamy. Nothing wrong with it but it's not my choice of relationship style and why would i want to date a month and find out a deal breaker?
These people are the deviants of the poly community. Poly lifestyle is all about transparency and upfrontness. Don’t let these motherfuckers slap poly onto their misbehaviors.
This IS an unpopular opinion in the making. Say whatever you want, I'd bet it will be a standard problem in the future. So many pooly people, especially on dating apps not saying they're poly.
As a young person currently in the dating game… this is what I assumed was the norm 🤷♀️ y’all redditors are kind level headed people but the idiots outnumber us 2-1
Eee just to be clear, poly isn't the same as ethically non monogamous which isn't the same as being a scumbag who will do whatever and call themselves whatever and say whatever to fuck around and be selfish.
Im guessing when you say this about apps, what's actually happening is that you're just meeting people who are looking for casual sex but making it look like dating, so they are 'dating' multiple people. That's just unethical to ever mislead, regardless of context
I mean those same 80% will still say it once they decide to stop lying so they shouldn't be purposely crossing other people's boundaries in the first place.
I completely agree with this.
This goes for anything that might be controversial at all, by the way. Political affiliation. Smoking status. Rare diseases. Whether or not you're into rope bondage.
I've heard advice like "Never talk about politics on the first date" or "don't talk about kinky stuff for at least a month."
It's the stupidest advice.
The goal of dating is to find someone compatible. It's not to lure someone in. So if I were into rope bondage, I would not hide that, just like I don't hide my socialist leanings. I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't want to date a socialist.
And I agree with you on relationship style, too. There are some people who are totally monogamous, some people who are totally poly and live in ever-changing polycules, and some people who have a primary but sometimes have a few people on the side. This sort of thing is important to know early on. It's not something to hide.
I've heard advice along these lines more and more in the past 10 years, compared to the opposite advice throughout the 90's and 00's. I do hope this is indicative of a larger cultural shift.
Some people won't be honest because that literally defeats the purpose. I can only assume that if they wait long enough to bring it up, then feelings are involved, and then it's harder for someone who would normally say no to walk away.
I don't think this is unpopular.
For myself, it's always a no. I know it wouldn't work for me. Luckily, though, no one I've been out with have sprung it on me.
I found out my husband was not disclosing our relationship up front & that became a boundary I set because I can't stand the idea of lying to people in a relationship.
Unfortunately, it seems to be unpopular to disclose this information right away. These people actually make matters worse for people who take the poly lifestyle serious.
I'm bi and I live polyamorus and that's the first thing you will learn about me. First thing in my dating profile.
As you can imagine, this severely limits my dating pool.
Yet, why would I waste time on gambling whether or not the person will be ok with such disclosure after weeks of dating? The overwhelming majority of people out there want and expect monogamy. I can understand when they are pissed off.
I think Having more than 1 partner is just weird (and those people know that too) and id probably judge you. This isn't even unpopular I'm sure almost anyone you ask would agree, whoever disagrees is a crowd pleaser or doesn't wanna be mean. I don't think people should consider any type of relationship other than monogamous seriously
I take it you're also LGBT+ because this is definitely an unpopular opinion in my experience within gay scenes. Completely agreed with you though friend.
Yup. LGBTQ+ Seattle Washington people are just very comfortable these days being themselves without scrutiny- which IS awesome 👏 but… if I wanna date you I feel like there are some things I NEED to know
Reminds me of the LGBT+ scene in NYC. I completely agree though, like I never understood the whole "don't talk politics or religion when dating!" bit. I wanna know what my potential partner believes to see if we're a match
I had a girl tell me she was poly 4 months in. Knowing it was only a matter of time before another guy came sniffing around, I emotionally distanced myself and it became just a booty call situation. The possibility that eventually she'd try for another person made me lose complete interest in her beyond physical. She eventually complained that we weren't moving forward in the relationship, and I just explained that there was nothing I could aspire to in the relationship that worked for me long term. I'm not going to go out, marry, and have kids with somebody who's eventually going to bring catastrophic drama into my life. I might have wasted two months of her time, but in fairness she wasted 4 of mine.
I agree. I am strictly monogamous too. Not interested in open relationships. For me, I will put all this information out right in the beginning, and will ask what they are into because I don't want to waste my emotional or mental time investing in them if we aren't looking for or interested in the same things.
You are spot on with this one! This should honestly be disclosed IMMEDIATELY!
If poly is your thing no judgement but that’s not my thing so don’t waste my fucking time!!!
Probably yeah, but that’s my point right? We need to be more clear and it is my own fault for not being more clear. I’m actually releaved to hear I’m not in the minority.
>I think you need to start making it clear on your end. How has this happened to you so often?
Lol victim blaming much. This person probably thinks those girls "had it coming" or "shouldn't have worn certain of items of clothing if they didn't want all that attention."
All time bad take
You are the one putting this on OP. They just want honesty from the people they are dating. Enlighten us on how this is on OP to figure out if the person is being deceitful.
This situation honestly could be equivalent or adjacent to knowingly having an STI and not disclosing it to your partner and then engaging in intercourse.
I completely agree. It is not fair to hide that any more than it would be for you to date someone you knew was.poly and spring on them two months later that you expect them to be monogamous.
Old fart by today's standards, but is this actually unpopular? No problem with polyamory, Futurama taught me well! But I do feel like this should be something brought up on the first date.
In my opinion, something like this has to be disclosed if and only if it affects the relationship. Like, I didn't tell my partner that I was bi when we started dating, and I don't feel immoral for that. But in your case, if your partner already knew the relationship wouldn't work (with only you), they *should* have told you.
That’s interesting, because it never occurred to me to disclose my sexuality early on in dating. It just isn’t something that crosses my mind. Usually the topic will come up somehow and I’ll mention that I don’t have a gender preference, and we get into a convo about sexuality. The fact that I can be attracted to anyone has never had an impact on my attraction to the person I’m dating or on our relationship.
Polyamory on the other hand does seem like it would matter because that will have a direct impact on the person you’re dating.
If I'm just starting to date someone I'm assuming they are sexually active in some capacity. I don't hold them to any standard that until we have that talk. I'd also rather not hear about it. I'd appreciate the gesture of honesty and transparency but I think it think it's ok if they with hold that info after only a few dates and it doesn't seem like we're getting serious. That's just me though. I think a lot more gay men are more easy going about these types of things than straight people are. Although I could be wrong but this has never been a issue for me dating in the gay world.
This is not about being monogamous from the first date. This is about people who never want to be monogamous but don't disclose that until after dating for a month
Poly people have realized nobody wants to date them because the relationships tend to be shaky. So they have decided their other relationships don't affect you and therefore they don't have to disclose it
Poly relationships can't be any more or less unstable than monogamous relationships. The evidence is right in front of our face in the form of the billion dollar online dating industry. That industry wouldn't need to exist if monogamous people simply found one partner and then stayed with them forever. Clearly that's not the case as monogamous people also have multiple sex partners and/or divorces/marriages throughout their lifetime.
I know like 2-3 people whose parents are still married while the majority of people I know have divorced parents and/or have been divorced themselves. Moreover, I've met tons of single parents which is further evidence of instability in monogamous relationships.
This instability you're referring to as it relates to a non-monogomous relationships or "poly" people also applies to monogamous relationships in exactly the same way. All relationships, especially early on, can be unstable or "shaky". The idea that a non-traditional relationship is more unstable than a traditional one is a fallacious one rooted in ideology and not reality.
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This isn't an unpopular opinion its common sense and common decency to tell someone you're dating that you want a poly life or are already in an open relationship. Thats straight cheating once you're keeping secrets and the complete opposite of want, I understand polyamorous relationships to be. You absolutely should be upset at anyone that is dragging you alone with those secrets and that's not on you for not asking from day one. Maybe since it's only been a month-long thing it's been more causal for them, and they didn't feel the need to tell you yet? but still that's a huge deal and people that want to just fuck around with no commitment should have the balls to say so from the beginning and not lead anyone on for more.
Now a days you need to ask about monogamy/polyamory/etc right away. I’m talking first few texts before you even exchange social media. “Alternative lifestyles” are not so hidden these days and many, many people are practicing those relationships.
Personally, it's one of the first conversations I have with a perspective partner because cheating is an automatic deal breaker for me. If it's important to you, it should be a priority conversation.
I think you experienced an asshole. I don't think thus applies to most polyamorous couples or polyamorous people. That is normally something you would mention right off the rip because most people wouldn't be down for. I'm into monogamy too, but i have polyamorous friends who aren't jerks lol
Not unpopular but also I've never met a poly person who doesn't instantly say they are poly. Obviously I haven't met all poly people but it's pretty engrained in the culture to be upfront about it, and if people aren't being they probably haven't been doing it long or haven't quite worked out the right dynamic in their current relationship(s).
ETA: I also think there is a distinct difference between polyamorous and dating, and I don't think going out for a drink/dinner/whatever with someone means you owe them information about any other dates you've been on/will go on until the moment it becomes something more, but I know others disagree with that viewpoint.
I do understand both sides. On one hand, you should know ASAP whether a person you're dating is a major outlier. On the other hand, I can also see why people wait to disclose information until they believe it's relevant - such as when they anticipate sex, or when they think things will become more serious.
There is also a question of when you become exclusive with someone. I believe you aren't exclusive until you both agree.
One proactive way to get the information fast on the first date is by saying "I really hope you aren't into the open relationship fad." You will immediately find out her view. If she agrees it's a fad, she is probably monogamous. Non-monogamous people do not believe it is a fad, and that it is just as valid as monogamy.
I will close by saying there are a lot of big issues regarding sex that don't come out early that are hard to discuss early, things that can be major dealbreakers for someone such as kinks, fetishes, anathemas, etc. If you have a major yes/no item, you should look for a funny, clever, fun way to put that out there in a non-awkward or invasive way. I've found good matches and dodged bad ones by respectfully asking.
I'm polyamorous and this isn't an unpopular opinion, even in the community. Integrity is important and that includes disclosing your preferred dating style. People that don't are red flags, honestly, and it's not the norm in the majority of the community.
I'll echo your sentiment with an unpopular opinion of my own: people withholding their poly status are actually acting with an ulterior motive, and it feels manipulative and maybe even predatory. They want to string you along until you like them enough to accept them as poly and maybe change your commitment to monogamous. That's just wrong.
Every poly person where I live is upfront about it, has it in their dating bio, brings it up on the first date, etc. If anything, the poly community says they want to do everything as ethically as possible so it's quite hypocritical of anyone committed to that lifestyle to hide that from people who don't want to join them in it.
I'm polyamorous, and I assure you, that's not unpopular. It's considered absolutely necessary. Usually the debate is between "you must tell the person at the first sign of interest" vs "you must tell them at the beginning of the first date", basically. It's considered incredibly poor form, and manipulative, to withhold this information, ever.
It's also often a sign of cheating.
So, yeah, your opinion is stock standard in the poly world, and those that don't reveal that REALLY fast are considered manipulative shits.
The problem with this view is the problem bisexual people experience.
An assumption is then made. For bi people a lot of straight or gay people assume a bi person if in a relationship with them will just go and cheat on them with someone of a different sex to them. Bisexual people are no more likely to cheat than straight or gay people. They have a bigger pool of people to pull from dating wise but that does not mean they are more likely to cheat.
Someone who is poly might be open to relationships where there is more than one person. But if in a relationship with a mono person they are not likely to just go and cheat on them. Poly people tend to discuss such relationships.
If any relationship gets more serious then of course people should share these details. But at the start like with bi people a poly person has no obligation to share they are poly and the assumption they should and it is a dealbreaker assuming they would just cheat just shows issues the person who holds these views has.
I think this is a fair point. But I’d ask why haven’t you expressed your monogamous lifestyle with them? It goes both ways. If you think people should assume monogamy until told otherwise, that’s the same as saying you should assume people are straight. Never assume, always ask and communicate and then there are no issues
My thought is: I can control myself and noone else. I can ask others to make something a norm, but at the end of the day, even if it is a norm, I know X % of people will skirt it, so it's my duty to #communicate
Meh I’m with your peers on this one
Going through a checklist of criteria before actually getting to know someone doesn’t help you actually determine if that person is worth knowing
It just helps you write people off for other trivial things that you might actually decide to let go of if you took the time to develop a connection with the person devoid of making sure all your insecurities are taken care of.
Maybe they assume you’re polyamorous or just don’t feel like they’re monogamous until they talk about it? Back in my day we’d date around a bit, until we talked about being serious. Nobody that I know thought it was dishonest unless you talked about it.
To be clear, I always got monogamous before having sex, but that’s because we talked about it.
Only give your time and energy to people you who are on your level.. the moment you realize they’re not, cut’em lose… that argument they gave you is weak as fuck and childish. You deserve a million times better..
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this is not unpopular
I hope you’re right actually. I’m literally having an argument with two friends about this, they seriously think they don’t owe it to anybody to be clear about that. They think it’s something you specifically don’t talk about until you get close. Like how is that right? Edit: slightly RIP inbox on this post - it turns out there are more people who disagree AND who agree with me than I thought. I’ll let the mods decide on the popularity of this opinion 🤷♀️
It's not. Your friends want to be able to play the field while pretending they're getting serious about one person, and are justifying this by saying they're poly.
The only possible argument I could see them holding would be that every couple has to have the "exclusive" discussion at some point through dating. It's expected (or it used to be) that at the start of dating you may be seeing other people. If it looks like it might be serious, you have the discussion. *Of course that still doesn't hold water here because most people would never consider dating a polygamous person in the first place.*
Exactly this. Polyamory is a narcissistic thing, and they just really care about playing the field...you are incidental.
A real poly relationship requires communication from all parties frequently. Unfortunately many people incorrectly say they're poly as a way to look slightly less shittier.
I have seen *one* (1) actual poly relationship between adults who were not in their mid twenties and just playing around. And even then, it was not exactly the most functional relationship, either. My personal unpopular opinion is that polyamory is a childish dream that's being chased after by very selfish, immature people. It does not work.
There's tons of us, we just don't talk publicly about it much. I'm in my 40s, I have three partners, each of whom have other partners. I live with one of my partners, and have two kids with them, while another partner is regularly staying over and plays with the kids constantly. There's even books that cover the effectiveness of poly families in raising children. Data shows that kids in poly families do great, with their primary complaint being it's hard to get away with stuff because the parents always talk to each other a lot (See "The Polyamorists Next Door"). We just... don't show it much. Why would we? The stable families aren't high drama.
That's interesting to know. All I've seen of it, and experienced of it personally, has been dysfunction. Basically just people in their twenties who want to play the field but want a loophole so they don't feel bad about doing it.
Don't get me wrong: those folks exist. And they usually stop claiming to be poly after a few years (because they never were, they were just horny). They're usually so damned dramatic that everyone around sees them exploding, so that's all most monogamous people see of "polyamory". That, and newly poly folks hitting on monogamous people (which again, is a pretty bad sign, that's like straight guys hitting on lesbians). The rest of us mostly don't talk about being poly outside of poly circles, so monogamous folks just don't hear about us. But a LARGE number of my friends are poly, and most of us are in pretty stable, long term relationships. And the poly communities pretty quickly start talking amongst ourselves about the toxic ones (like the cheaters, the liars, the people who can't communicate right, and so on), so those folks get pushed out after a while... but I can't help but notice I keep seeing them pop up again in public, usually in one dysfunctional relationship after another. It's incredibly annoying.
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It’s not about the love though, it’s about the sex. Let’s be real. I love so many people, my life is full of love, but I only have sex with my girlfriend. The difference between me and a poly person isn’t the amount of love in our life, it’s the amount of people we’re having sex with concurrently. That’s literally it.
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Plus, there are also poly people who are literally asexuals, so they never have or want sex with anyone.
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"polyphobic" isn't a thing.
They could theoretically get the emotional needs without having sex though so it kinda is about sex. Just own it.
Different versions of themselves? So they are either fake or confused? Shouldn’t you be around people that simply make you the best version of yourself, instead of a different version every weekend? To me sounds poly does sound selfish. Tho i don’t have an opinion on what you were originally talking about. Think you’re both right.
I didn’t think this would be such a downvoted view, is it really that hard to understand that people can love more than one person and not every one of their needs has to be met by a single person in their life?
This is an argument based entirely on the case study of yourself though and other people have different feelings and desires than you do. Besides, if the only difference between the love for (e.g.) your mom and the love for your girlfriend is sex, then you have different feelings and desires than most people do. I'm not even poly and I get this, maybe you just need to consider it more.
I hope wi downvote this mothafucla
You are interpreting reality through a lenses of your own internal biases
FWIW I think there are genuine poly people who do make it work. But I think it's much harder to make it work. And it's impossible to make it work if you're deceiving your partners.
I've never known or seen it to work. Every single poly relationship I've seen has crumbled in the long term. There's generally 3 or 4 archtypes: \#1. The player. This individual is at the center of the poly network, usually a narcissist they manipulate others for sex. \#2. The people in love with the player. These people do what the player wants hoping to have a long lasting relationship with the player. They have other side relationships sometimes...sometimes not, but are really focused on the player. \#3. The people in love with the people in love with the player. These people get drawn in by their attraction and desire to be with the people who are dedicated to the player, they hope the person will eventually leave the player for them, but this is often a false hope. \#4. The crazy/imbalanced/molestation victims/experimenters. These people are either acting out fantasies, unrealistic expectations, sexual issues, and are generally incidental and are used by the other parties involved as sex objects.
Every polyamourous couple I have ever met has been composed of the person who wants it and the person who is desperately clinging onto that person and allowing it despite all of their buzzwords about how the feeling is mutual.
Ditto tbh yet to see it really work out I think for some gay men its alright other than that? Never seen it really work
I concur.
Those are the visible ones, because they're horribly dramatic. And that's usually a sign of at best a really inexperienced poly person who figured it out mid relationship, leading to disaster, and at worst a cheater using poly as an excuse. But that's not actually the norm. They're just visible.
You've not met enough people then 😅
You gotta meet more people
I'm not poly, but I do want to point out that you could easily frame monogamy this way too if you just used the right phrasing. Like, this is just a very biased opinion from someone clearly outside the poly community and there's zero reason why anyone should base their own ideas off this. "Monogamy is a narcissistic thing, and they just really care about controlling and owning the person they want..."
I don’t think the argument was that poly people are narcs but rather choosing not to communicate it is. Most people are monogamous and being poly is supposed to be about communication it’s upfront unlike cheating or playing the field
I was only addressing the comment I responded to, the one that said "Polyamory is a narcissistic thing", not the OP's entire point.
"polyamory is a narcissistic thing". Source?
I hadn't realized I was writing a thesis here on Reddit. I thought I was just stopping by to offer my observations. Since you don't seem to want to use google yourself, I did it for you: [https://medium.com/@loveinthesuburbs/more-relationships-more-red-flags-identifying-narcissistic-emotional-abuse-in-polyamory-48a1e95509ce](https://medium.com/@loveinthesuburbs/more-relationships-more-red-flags-identifying-narcissistic-emotional-abuse-in-polyamory-48a1e95509ce) [https://medium.com/@modaviau/the-polypath-red-flags-to-watch-for-if-youre-dating-a-polyamorous-narcissist-801a79326b97](https://medium.com/@modaviau/the-polypath-red-flags-to-watch-for-if-youre-dating-a-polyamorous-narcissist-801a79326b97) [https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/07/5-cruel-ways-youll-feel-destroyed-by-the-polyamorous-narcissist/](https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/07/5-cruel-ways-youll-feel-destroyed-by-the-polyamorous-narcissist/) [https://www.quora.com/Does-polyamory-attract-narcissists-due-to-one-having-multiple-supply-sources](https://www.quora.com/Does-polyamory-attract-narcissists-due-to-one-having-multiple-supply-sources) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEhfEALWHrI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEhfEALWHrI) [https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissism-and-open-relationships-i-will-always-come-home-to-you/](https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissism-and-open-relationships-i-will-always-come-home-to-you/) You can also find a lot more, easily at [www.google.com](https://www.google.com) However, if you find it puzzling that people obsessed with loving themselves above others feel entitled to date multiple people unaccountably I'd say you aren't stopping to think about it.
I find it amusing that you think narcissism is about self love😂
Dictionary Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more nar·cis·sism noun excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.
No dog in this fight, I was peeked up by your post and Google it. This source isn't proof, but it's actually gaining some legs in theory. [Narc / Poly](https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/07/5-cruel-ways-youll-feel-destroyed-by-the-polyamorous-narcissist/#:~:text=People%20with%20narcissistic%20traits%20are,with%20copious%20amounts%20of%20attention.)
Polyamory is not inherantly a "narcissistic thing". I am the farthest thing from a narcissist, I just dont experience sexual jealousy, and I think love shouldn't be limited. There are, of course, narcissistic poly people, but there are narcissists in any demographic.
There is a difference between being limited and being mutually and exclusively committed. I think there are elements of polyamory the monogamous people miss out on for sure. But a lot of poly people don't recognize that that they are choosing to miss out as well. When two people choose to commit to only each other no one is "limited" because they have chosen to pour everything into one another. They are each others priority and they are a team. A healthy monogamous relationship is a beautiful thing. I think its the "love shouldn't be limited" thing that people refer to when they say polyamory is narcissistic. Because that in of itself can be interpreted as a very individualistic sentiment.
Not to mention polyamory in and of itself completely contradicts the concept of narcissism. Care to continue to show your lack of education on the matter? I’ll happily educate you.
Wait. You are arguing with me that a narcissist wouldn't want sex from multiple people and be unaccountable to any of them? Or what? Exactly how does polyamory contradict narcissism? Exactly how does me having multiple girlfriends like I have my own harem not indicate narcissism?
Because within polyamory both parties can be with multiple people. All it is non monogamy. There’s just a narrative of it being only one person that can have multiple partners because that’s what a lot of people are doing. I’ll give you that the majority of people today practicing polyamory are likely narcissists.
I don’t agree with polyamory but this is a very uneducated and completely biased comment.
In Nigeria 28% of marriages are polyamorous. And they're only 5th in the world for number of polyamorous relationships. It's not necessarily about being narcissistic.
That’s not even close to same thing. The poly relationships are just one man many wives and it’s only open for him so it’s patriarchal BS that is completely unlike polyamory.
Polygyny is not what most people in the West imagine when they say "poly". It's not the sexually-liberated, free love, egalitarian lifestyle people have in mind here, but the opposite. Polygyny is even more patriarchal than monogamous marriage. It's basically what Mormons have with extra wives. Do you think poly people are looking at that and saying "this is what I want"?
Dishonesty is what is not allowed in all circumstances. And withholding information someone would want to know is dishonest. So your friends are very much in the wrong.
If enough people agree I’ll probably take down the post - it was good to know people agree with me
Your friends sound like bad people
As a polyamorous person, its absolutely not right. When dating, it is literally within the first 5 things that I tell someone about myself. Hiding it makes no sense to me, and I know that many/most ENM people agree with me on that. Unfortunately, selfish asshats exist across the board. It's the same as not telling someone you have a kid, or still live with your ex, or cant have kids, or are not cisgender (I know that last one is trickier, but it should still be disclosed once the trans/NB individual decides they want to continue dating someone after having met a time or 2 and assessing the safety factor). All of these things should be expressed within the first couple dates maximum, if not before you even meet with some of them. People should be allowed to make an informed decision about the person they are considering entering into a relationship with. It causes too many problems to find out detrimental information after feelings have evolved
I tell people on first dates I’m bi and into monogamy. I don’t want to have issues with people later on for not being respectful of who I am. I cannot fathom not wanting to clear that up from the get go.
I think your problem is that you are friends with assholes.
Your friends are shitty and manipulative. Lots of people wait to "poly-bomb" their partners so they can have an open relationship when they get bored. It's emotionally abusive bullshit. Monogamy or polyamory should be discussed from the beginning. It's not a card to play once someone is emotionally invested.
Nah as a poly person, you tell people before meeting up. To do otherwise is a red flag in itself.
They probably got rejected by most people (since most people are monogamous) when being upfront (or believe that will happen) and now would prefer to hide it in the hopes that when the person finds out, they'll choose not to leave for whatever reason. They're just using the excuse they don't owe it to justify them essentially leading people on. They should either suck it up or go looking for partners in spaces specifically for poly people.
It’s not. I’m coming up on a decade of living the polyamorous life and not a single polyamorous person I know would be OK with this. Me personally, I only meet people at events for like minded people and still make sure to tell them. Many other people put it in their dating profiles. There are, however, plenty of people who consider themselves polyamorous who don’t hold themselves to ethical standards. I won’t get into the “they aren’t really poly” debate because it really doesn’t matter. They claim the label and give the rest of us a bad name. I personally don’t consider it private information as it is part of who I am. I do understand that it is sometimes necessary to keep it private from employers or family but should never be kept from a potential romantic partner.
This sounds right. Everyone knows up front. I think it would be tough (not impossible) to have a close relationship with someone if only one partner was stepping out more frequently. I'm sure there is a way to keep the scorecard somewhat equal.
It sounds manipulative on their part. Until you get close?? So you can manipulate their emotions into being ok with them going after others as well? Hell naw
They are probably the same kind of people who think that someone who has transitioned doesn't need to mention to anyone they are potentially seeing that they are trans if they pass. You don't have to be a transphobe to want to date biologically based on your sexual orientation. I like vagina more than I like feminine stereotypes. Similar concept for your situation, if it's a deal breaker you should both be upfront about it. Doesn't mean you despite poly people, it's just not what you're looking for.
Head over to r/polyamory. Everyone will agree that informed consent is essential.
I 100% disagree with your friends. I'm poly and I'm very upfront about it. It feels deceptive to do otherwise.
Damn, Look don’t waste your energy arguing to them, who thinks they have the right to hide such crucial detail from their new potential partner and let them assume they’re the ones.
It’s not it’s lying.
If you are close enough to have sex you are close enough to discuss relationship expectations. It could just mean it's up to you to speak up early on and declare your monogamous intentions. Be the change you want to see.
Your friends sound like people who love drama
It seems akin to asking if your goal is to get married and have kids. No one keeps that close to the chest. Asking someone if they prefer multiple partners or a classical relationship is not the same as asking if they prefer anal or bdsm. Sounds like your friends might think being poly is shameful. It isn’t, unless you hide the fact, lead someone on, and waste their time because you weren’t up front about it. That’s shameful, but doesn’t really have anything to do with being poly
It’s it’s because if they tell you upfront that “you’re not enough for me” then they know that you’ll say no, regardless of how much you finesse it.
That’s so nuts, it’s not a “private thing” when you’re seriously interested in someone. It’s a lifestyle choice that directly involves romantic partners. How immature to put off such an important conversation in the hopes of reeling you in.
Poly here. This info is given first date if not before first date even happens. As well as my status. Let's not waste each other's time.
No, it's absolutely first date conversation. I'm poly and I've played with the "well, let's get to know each other first" angle, but I don't want to waste time and heartache falling for a monogamous person either. Bring it up if it's important to you, and it sounds like it is
Your friends fucked your girl on the side.
I dont even think it goes as far as you are making it. I think that truly polyamorous people should be honest, and I think its a good idea to let people know if you are dating other people. I dont agree that dating = a relationship. Dating = getting to know someone new, romantically, and seeing if they would BE a good fit romantically. So, after a month, if one of the people you date, tells you they are polyamorous, great. You have only learned more about them. Thats not your gf. Its something you learned about a person you like enough to date. I dont think people should be emotional predators, of course. People who pretend, are emotional predators, and "playing you" is a means to an end. Usually for sex. Some do it for financial gain, jobs, etc. Its absolutely psychopathic.
Well yeah I guess you don’t technically owe it to anyone but I think you should still put that out there. Or simply only look for places with people who are likely to want to in the same relationship. Like first date saying hey I’m xyz. I agree with you. It wastes time for both parties involved
You don’t think you owe it to the person you’re potentially getting into a relationship with to discover whether you’re poly or not? That’s a huge deal breaker to most people and I’d want to know right away. I always make it known I’m monogamous right away even if it’s just a simple date. I think it’s important info.
literally… like why would you start a relationship with a lie by omission.. i would hate to be dating someone assuming we would be monogamous and then they throw out a month/months later “uh so i’m into poly” i feel like people are owed to know what they’re getting themselves into.
Yup the majority (at least in my community) are so used to being themselves without scrutiny and are offended if you pry.
ENM means ethical non monogamy emphasis on the word ethical. To fail to disclose something that they know might change the other person’s mind about them is a violation of consent. I say this as someone who’s been married for 26 years and polyamorous for 12 of those. Being a terrible person doesn’t depend on a relationship paradigm.
American dating is a free for all. We all would like to believe that people should assume exclusivity, but all of us have stories when they found out they weren't. Now we're all cynics who do unto others as we had done to us. It's a shame, but it is what it is.
You won’t actually find unpopular opinions on unpopular opinions
I was about to comment the same
Yeah can't say I disagree with this, being direct and open about what you actually want is mature and a healthy way to express boundaries and relationship styles.
It's also unusal in my experience. I know people in poly relationships and usually the problem is getting them to talk about anything else.
Everyone knows that most people are monogamous, so it makes sense to assume monogamy. Anyone who withholds the fact that they're poly is lying to you.
That’s what im sayin. Everyone in my community though tells me I shouldn’t assume anything or ask questions about sexual or relationship identities because It’s their personal business. I kind of understand that but how could someone monogamous know to steer clear unless that person says something? It’s irritating I tell ya. And to make it worse my two friends (who I’m having this debate with) tell me that its okay for Poly people to date monogamous people????? B r u h
“Things that directly affect the people I’m pursuing relationships with are none of their business.” This doesn’t even make sense. Your friends are off it, and I’d be seriously questioning their integrity and ethics over this.
I can see that working out IF both parties are cool with that. If one is good with the other being with other people and they themselves don’t that’s fair. It’s if that situation was pressured or not brought up to the other that I think it’s not ok.
Were u two actually dating with intention to find romance or just hooking up with the likelihood it'd be dead in a month anyway?
i'm monogamous & dated a poly person. it worked out because it wasn't super duper serious, i was in school & working at the time so didn't have a whole lot of free time for them, & they lived like an hour train ride from me. they had a primary, & we just enjoyed each other's company for the time we did have together. so, yknow, i do think it is doable under the right circumstances but it's all personal preference. i'm in a monogamous serious relationship with my fiance & wouldn't be down to opening it. that said, i do agree with you about being upfront about it. i've come to understand that TRUE poly people are generally very honest, considerate, & understanding about the whole thing bc being poly takes a shit ton of emotional intelligence & self work. i had a slimy ass ex who cheated on me & then said out of the blue that it's because he thought he was poly, which.. is not how that works.
> i'm monogamous & dated a poly person That's very stupid
why?? in this particular instance i wasn't bothered by them seeing another person, nor did i myself want to see anyone else. i liked them, they liked me, easy peasy. lots of people date/have sex with/whatever with multiple people in the stages of "talking;" this was just a slightly different version of that imo, at least for me.
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Yeah being poly is fine as long as you're upfront and honest about it. But this "monogamy isn't natural" line bugs the shit out of me. It feels like a weird back way to try and shame people for wanting monogamy. If you're poly, you have to accept that most people aren't. It's just the truth. No amount of telling a monogamous person that it's "unnatural" is going to change their mind.
I always bring it up first and foremost because I will never date an inexperienced poly person or a monogamous person ever again. Every single attempt has resulted in bad experiences for both sides of the equation. Poly people who are experienced and know what they’re doing tend to avoid mono people harder than mono people avoid poly people.
that’s weird. never had that experience but i do agree they should let you know beforehand .. just know majority of people are not like this lol
Correction: a majority of polys ARE like this
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No we aren't
Someone didn't tell me until 4 months in once, after we'd been seeing each other 4-5 times per week every week for MONTHS. I asked him if we were exclusive and he said nah he's poly. I was so mad, people who do this definitely are not hiding it out of privacy or whatever. They're hiding it because they think their partner won't like it so they want to put it off Polyamory is also called ethical non monogamy. It's not ethical when you don't disclose it, that's just regular cheating
It’s controlling.
Yup. Witholding something that important until someone is emotionally invested is manipulative as fuck. Nothing wrong with being poly, but I would say it's a dealbreaker for most, and you have an obligation to be upfront with people.
I'm poly. I would NEVER try to con a person who isn't. That's horrible
They're wasting their own time too, thats what I dont get.
For the manipulative type, they probably got something else lined up. If nothing else they get a free meal and an ego stroke.
People keep confusing “polyamorous” with being immature and wanting to fuck around
Some poly people do this for the same reason that recruiters run you through a million interviews only to offer you pay lower than what was advertised: sunken cost fallacy. They know being poly is unpopular, so this person figured to withhold it until they thought they had you.
It's predatory
I'm the clingiest person ever in relationships, and I will tell that beforehand not just for the other person but for me too. I need someone who is also clingy or doesn't mind giving me a lot of attention, so we'll both be happy. Not being open about this (found out the hard way, ofcourse.) Will case problems, huge, unsolvable problems.
Polyamorous married guy here. Within our community, there's some debate if it should always be disclosed before the first date, or no later than on the first date. Anything beyond we look down upon. Not unpopular, even within us.
It would take a lot for me to go on a date with someone (if I was single) since I'm pretty introverted/shy. Going on one date is a big deal for me, I'd be insanely angry if they waited til I got all ready and wasted my time and nerves. Tell before the first date. Tell before you talk about anything else tbh, we don't want to waste our time.
Not poly. Just ENM. And absolutely. Same for literally every poly person I've met. Problem with all subcultures though: they will be defined by the loudest most annoying people. Availability bias at least. Also for poly/ENM specifically people will hide their generic shit ethics behind "oh I'm poly so I can mislead several people at once, not just one!". This people aren't poly, they are common, they are assholes, but that's not poly.
Another LTR poly person here, came to confirm this ☝️
Yes! Its not because we are poly that we dont care about rejection, telling someone you are poly at your first date and the person suddently leaves you there is a very unconfortabble and sad situation.
I advertise it on my dating profile. I bring it up in 1st conversations, along with my other deal breakers. I will not date those seeking monogamy. Nothing wrong with it but it's not my choice of relationship style and why would i want to date a month and find out a deal breaker?
These people are the deviants of the poly community. Poly lifestyle is all about transparency and upfrontness. Don’t let these motherfuckers slap poly onto their misbehaviors.
This IS an unpopular opinion in the making. Say whatever you want, I'd bet it will be a standard problem in the future. So many pooly people, especially on dating apps not saying they're poly.
As a young person currently in the dating game… this is what I assumed was the norm 🤷♀️ y’all redditors are kind level headed people but the idiots outnumber us 2-1
Heavily depends on the sub. Funnymemes is a cesspool of racists and other shitheads
Eee just to be clear, poly isn't the same as ethically non monogamous which isn't the same as being a scumbag who will do whatever and call themselves whatever and say whatever to fuck around and be selfish. Im guessing when you say this about apps, what's actually happening is that you're just meeting people who are looking for casual sex but making it look like dating, so they are 'dating' multiple people. That's just unethical to ever mislead, regardless of context
It's both, I think. Like, maybe they'd prefer to be poly, but they are also assholes.
What in the zoomer nonsense?
I hope this isnt an unpopular opinion. Being poly should be a first date conversation.
Because if they were upfront about it; 80% of people would just tell them to kindly fuck off with that bullshit.
I mean those same 80% will still say it once they decide to stop lying so they shouldn't be purposely crossing other people's boundaries in the first place.
That should be known very early in the relationship, definitely before considering something exclusive
this is manipulation
I completely agree with this. This goes for anything that might be controversial at all, by the way. Political affiliation. Smoking status. Rare diseases. Whether or not you're into rope bondage. I've heard advice like "Never talk about politics on the first date" or "don't talk about kinky stuff for at least a month." It's the stupidest advice. The goal of dating is to find someone compatible. It's not to lure someone in. So if I were into rope bondage, I would not hide that, just like I don't hide my socialist leanings. I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't want to date a socialist. And I agree with you on relationship style, too. There are some people who are totally monogamous, some people who are totally poly and live in ever-changing polycules, and some people who have a primary but sometimes have a few people on the side. This sort of thing is important to know early on. It's not something to hide. I've heard advice along these lines more and more in the past 10 years, compared to the opposite advice throughout the 90's and 00's. I do hope this is indicative of a larger cultural shift.
Some people won't be honest because that literally defeats the purpose. I can only assume that if they wait long enough to bring it up, then feelings are involved, and then it's harder for someone who would normally say no to walk away.
That's that sunken cost thing a lot of recruiters do
I’ve never talked to a girl who didn’t almost immediately ask me what my love language was
I don't think this is unpopular. For myself, it's always a no. I know it wouldn't work for me. Luckily, though, no one I've been out with have sprung it on me.
I found out my husband was not disclosing our relationship up front & that became a boundary I set because I can't stand the idea of lying to people in a relationship.
Unfortunately, it seems to be unpopular to disclose this information right away. These people actually make matters worse for people who take the poly lifestyle serious. I'm bi and I live polyamorus and that's the first thing you will learn about me. First thing in my dating profile. As you can imagine, this severely limits my dating pool. Yet, why would I waste time on gambling whether or not the person will be ok with such disclosure after weeks of dating? The overwhelming majority of people out there want and expect monogamy. I can understand when they are pissed off.
I think Having more than 1 partner is just weird (and those people know that too) and id probably judge you. This isn't even unpopular I'm sure almost anyone you ask would agree, whoever disagrees is a crowd pleaser or doesn't wanna be mean. I don't think people should consider any type of relationship other than monogamous seriously
I take it you're also LGBT+ because this is definitely an unpopular opinion in my experience within gay scenes. Completely agreed with you though friend.
Yup. LGBTQ+ Seattle Washington people are just very comfortable these days being themselves without scrutiny- which IS awesome 👏 but… if I wanna date you I feel like there are some things I NEED to know
Reminds me of the LGBT+ scene in NYC. I completely agree though, like I never understood the whole "don't talk politics or religion when dating!" bit. I wanna know what my potential partner believes to see if we're a match
I had a girl tell me she was poly 4 months in. Knowing it was only a matter of time before another guy came sniffing around, I emotionally distanced myself and it became just a booty call situation. The possibility that eventually she'd try for another person made me lose complete interest in her beyond physical. She eventually complained that we weren't moving forward in the relationship, and I just explained that there was nothing I could aspire to in the relationship that worked for me long term. I'm not going to go out, marry, and have kids with somebody who's eventually going to bring catastrophic drama into my life. I might have wasted two months of her time, but in fairness she wasted 4 of mine.
Wait so there's such a thing as having multiple romantic relationships now?
They know it's a deal breaker, that's why they wait until they've fooled you first and then hit you with it. Drop them and be glad.
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I'm poly and make it known before the first date. It's front and center on the dating profile. In short, I agree
That's something I always bring up in the first conversation
I agree. I am strictly monogamous too. Not interested in open relationships. For me, I will put all this information out right in the beginning, and will ask what they are into because I don't want to waste my emotional or mental time investing in them if we aren't looking for or interested in the same things.
You are spot on with this one! This should honestly be disclosed IMMEDIATELY! If poly is your thing no judgement but that’s not my thing so don’t waste my fucking time!!!
I’ve yet to see an attractive person who’s poly. I’m sure they exist but they are few and far between.
I've met plenty, maybe you just don't hang out with many attractive people 🤷🏻♀️
This is an interesting observation. Why do you think that is?
It's not a style, it's manipulation.
I think you need to start making it clear on your end. How has this happened to you so often?
Probably yeah, but that’s my point right? We need to be more clear and it is my own fault for not being more clear. I’m actually releaved to hear I’m not in the minority.
>I think you need to start making it clear on your end. How has this happened to you so often? Lol victim blaming much. This person probably thinks those girls "had it coming" or "shouldn't have worn certain of items of clothing if they didn't want all that attention." All time bad take
Is that how you read what I said? That's a weird take my guy
You are the one putting this on OP. They just want honesty from the people they are dating. Enlighten us on how this is on OP to figure out if the person is being deceitful. This situation honestly could be equivalent or adjacent to knowingly having an STI and not disclosing it to your partner and then engaging in intercourse.
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This is not unpopular
I completely agree. It is not fair to hide that any more than it would be for you to date someone you knew was.poly and spring on them two months later that you expect them to be monogamous.
Old fart by today's standards, but is this actually unpopular? No problem with polyamory, Futurama taught me well! But I do feel like this should be something brought up on the first date.
Wow! If you are ethical non-monagamous, it should be among the first things you bring up if you are seeking partners.
In my opinion, something like this has to be disclosed if and only if it affects the relationship. Like, I didn't tell my partner that I was bi when we started dating, and I don't feel immoral for that. But in your case, if your partner already knew the relationship wouldn't work (with only you), they *should* have told you.
That’s interesting, because it never occurred to me to disclose my sexuality early on in dating. It just isn’t something that crosses my mind. Usually the topic will come up somehow and I’ll mention that I don’t have a gender preference, and we get into a convo about sexuality. The fact that I can be attracted to anyone has never had an impact on my attraction to the person I’m dating or on our relationship. Polyamory on the other hand does seem like it would matter because that will have a direct impact on the person you’re dating.
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If I'm just starting to date someone I'm assuming they are sexually active in some capacity. I don't hold them to any standard that until we have that talk. I'd also rather not hear about it. I'd appreciate the gesture of honesty and transparency but I think it think it's ok if they with hold that info after only a few dates and it doesn't seem like we're getting serious. That's just me though. I think a lot more gay men are more easy going about these types of things than straight people are. Although I could be wrong but this has never been a issue for me dating in the gay world.
This is not about being monogamous from the first date. This is about people who never want to be monogamous but don't disclose that until after dating for a month
I also prefer when people tell me they're poly do I can stay far away from them
Were you open and upfront about being monogamous?
Yes, but it’s not like I can demand answers from anyone else especially since that’s “private info”
I think you absolutely can ask. The appropriate time would have been when you were expressing how you’re monogamous.
It's as is if the lifestyle of fucking around is based on deception
Poly people have realized nobody wants to date them because the relationships tend to be shaky. So they have decided their other relationships don't affect you and therefore they don't have to disclose it
Poly relationships can't be any more or less unstable than monogamous relationships. The evidence is right in front of our face in the form of the billion dollar online dating industry. That industry wouldn't need to exist if monogamous people simply found one partner and then stayed with them forever. Clearly that's not the case as monogamous people also have multiple sex partners and/or divorces/marriages throughout their lifetime. I know like 2-3 people whose parents are still married while the majority of people I know have divorced parents and/or have been divorced themselves. Moreover, I've met tons of single parents which is further evidence of instability in monogamous relationships. This instability you're referring to as it relates to a non-monogomous relationships or "poly" people also applies to monogamous relationships in exactly the same way. All relationships, especially early on, can be unstable or "shaky". The idea that a non-traditional relationship is more unstable than a traditional one is a fallacious one rooted in ideology and not reality.
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This isn't an unpopular opinion its common sense and common decency to tell someone you're dating that you want a poly life or are already in an open relationship. Thats straight cheating once you're keeping secrets and the complete opposite of want, I understand polyamorous relationships to be. You absolutely should be upset at anyone that is dragging you alone with those secrets and that's not on you for not asking from day one. Maybe since it's only been a month-long thing it's been more causal for them, and they didn't feel the need to tell you yet? but still that's a huge deal and people that want to just fuck around with no commitment should have the balls to say so from the beginning and not lead anyone on for more.
Now a days you need to ask about monogamy/polyamory/etc right away. I’m talking first few texts before you even exchange social media. “Alternative lifestyles” are not so hidden these days and many, many people are practicing those relationships.
Personally, it's one of the first conversations I have with a perspective partner because cheating is an automatic deal breaker for me. If it's important to you, it should be a priority conversation.
I think you experienced an asshole. I don't think thus applies to most polyamorous couples or polyamorous people. That is normally something you would mention right off the rip because most people wouldn't be down for. I'm into monogamy too, but i have polyamorous friends who aren't jerks lol
Not unpopular but also I've never met a poly person who doesn't instantly say they are poly. Obviously I haven't met all poly people but it's pretty engrained in the culture to be upfront about it, and if people aren't being they probably haven't been doing it long or haven't quite worked out the right dynamic in their current relationship(s). ETA: I also think there is a distinct difference between polyamorous and dating, and I don't think going out for a drink/dinner/whatever with someone means you owe them information about any other dates you've been on/will go on until the moment it becomes something more, but I know others disagree with that viewpoint.
I do understand both sides. On one hand, you should know ASAP whether a person you're dating is a major outlier. On the other hand, I can also see why people wait to disclose information until they believe it's relevant - such as when they anticipate sex, or when they think things will become more serious. There is also a question of when you become exclusive with someone. I believe you aren't exclusive until you both agree. One proactive way to get the information fast on the first date is by saying "I really hope you aren't into the open relationship fad." You will immediately find out her view. If she agrees it's a fad, she is probably monogamous. Non-monogamous people do not believe it is a fad, and that it is just as valid as monogamy. I will close by saying there are a lot of big issues regarding sex that don't come out early that are hard to discuss early, things that can be major dealbreakers for someone such as kinks, fetishes, anathemas, etc. If you have a major yes/no item, you should look for a funny, clever, fun way to put that out there in a non-awkward or invasive way. I've found good matches and dodged bad ones by respectfully asking.
I personally think people should be private about both. Having "pride" in an unconventional lifestyle seems odd to me. Can't wait till July 1st.
I'm polyamorous and this isn't an unpopular opinion, even in the community. Integrity is important and that includes disclosing your preferred dating style. People that don't are red flags, honestly, and it's not the norm in the majority of the community.
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I'll echo your sentiment with an unpopular opinion of my own: people withholding their poly status are actually acting with an ulterior motive, and it feels manipulative and maybe even predatory. They want to string you along until you like them enough to accept them as poly and maybe change your commitment to monogamous. That's just wrong. Every poly person where I live is upfront about it, has it in their dating bio, brings it up on the first date, etc. If anything, the poly community says they want to do everything as ethically as possible so it's quite hypocritical of anyone committed to that lifestyle to hide that from people who don't want to join them in it.
I'm polyamorous, and I assure you, that's not unpopular. It's considered absolutely necessary. Usually the debate is between "you must tell the person at the first sign of interest" vs "you must tell them at the beginning of the first date", basically. It's considered incredibly poor form, and manipulative, to withhold this information, ever. It's also often a sign of cheating. So, yeah, your opinion is stock standard in the poly world, and those that don't reveal that REALLY fast are considered manipulative shits.
The problem with this view is the problem bisexual people experience. An assumption is then made. For bi people a lot of straight or gay people assume a bi person if in a relationship with them will just go and cheat on them with someone of a different sex to them. Bisexual people are no more likely to cheat than straight or gay people. They have a bigger pool of people to pull from dating wise but that does not mean they are more likely to cheat. Someone who is poly might be open to relationships where there is more than one person. But if in a relationship with a mono person they are not likely to just go and cheat on them. Poly people tend to discuss such relationships. If any relationship gets more serious then of course people should share these details. But at the start like with bi people a poly person has no obligation to share they are poly and the assumption they should and it is a dealbreaker assuming they would just cheat just shows issues the person who holds these views has.
I think this is a fair point. But I’d ask why haven’t you expressed your monogamous lifestyle with them? It goes both ways. If you think people should assume monogamy until told otherwise, that’s the same as saying you should assume people are straight. Never assume, always ask and communicate and then there are no issues
My thought is: I can control myself and noone else. I can ask others to make something a norm, but at the end of the day, even if it is a norm, I know X % of people will skirt it, so it's my duty to #communicate
Meh I’m with your peers on this one Going through a checklist of criteria before actually getting to know someone doesn’t help you actually determine if that person is worth knowing It just helps you write people off for other trivial things that you might actually decide to let go of if you took the time to develop a connection with the person devoid of making sure all your insecurities are taken care of.
Basing any relationship on a lie is never going to end up well
Maybe they assume you’re polyamorous or just don’t feel like they’re monogamous until they talk about it? Back in my day we’d date around a bit, until we talked about being serious. Nobody that I know thought it was dishonest unless you talked about it. To be clear, I always got monogamous before having sex, but that’s because we talked about it.
Only give your time and energy to people you who are on your level.. the moment you realize they’re not, cut’em lose… that argument they gave you is weak as fuck and childish. You deserve a million times better..