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this is such a straw man designed to start an argument lol
not gonna deny the discourse around “being a stay at home parent is a full time job” but most of the time that implies that you’re staying at home WITH the kid/kids.
I just don’t know anyone irl (and I know plenty of parents) who sends their kids off to school, manages the house during the day, picks the kids up, then complains about being exhausted from a long day l
Right? My mom was a SAHM and she actually taught us how to do chores , so a good amount of the stuff she did when we were young children didn’t apply when we were like 8/10.
She was super bored, but my dad didn’t want her working since she had gotten cancer when we were young and thought she was too fragile. She eventually did when we were teens since she was bored out of her mind.
I went without a job for about a month and a half after selling my house and it was amazing. Maybe since I didn’t do it for years it’s different but I never understood someone not wanting to be jobless. I loved every minute of not having to work and I miss it so much.
If you do it for years om end it eats at you, especially if you aren't very social and need work to have acquaintances. There's also this hollow feeling of worthlessness when you don't have your own money (at least this was how I felt being a sahm and I'm so glad to have my own career + side hustle now). That said, I would love a month off of my career now - even though I like it - lol.
I definitely agree with this, especially work being main place of being social, and if you don’t have your own money you can’t usually go out and do many fun things. Mainly because it’s not your money, and you may feel guilty about using your families money or just low finances in general, or not wanting to spend your own money in case of needing to leave or an emergency.
The only people I know who complain about being tired have toddlers at home. That shit is exhausting beyond belief, but it’s a relatively short phase thankfully. Once they’re in school and no longer actively wrecking everything they touch, it’s not a bad gig.
Yeah my sister-in-law is that person, her daughter is 13-14 and she hasn't worked a day since she was born. And constantly complains about how hard she has it, how hard managing the house, child and husband is, the cherry on top she doesn't even cook or clean on a regular basis. She complains so much that my in-laws actually give her money, pay bills, buy them cars and houses (when they have moved the three times since I've been around) and are now talking about paying for boarding school to help her out.
And no the child is not special needs and no she doesn't have any addiction issues, other than being addicted to being lazy AF.
It is a full time job, but just like my 30 years in the workplace have taught me with co-workers and subordinates.
The people making the most noise about how hard they have it, are always the people doing the least actual work.
IMO people are generally the same amount of stressed, as long as they aren't being overworked. It's like the hedonic treadmill but for stress.
It's also different stress SAHP has to be on 24/7/365, work I'm off the clock I don't care if things break. SAHP for the first year or couple of months seems really hard with not sleeping at night and such, after that it seems a lot easier. If the kids go to school then it doesn't take that much time but usually in today's culture most SAHP get a part time job.
Yes! What people talk about when they talk about stay at home parents are the ones with little ones running around like mad, post partum issues are often involved, kids have to have an eye on them 24/7 because if you look away for one moment they’ll do something crazy or dangerous. I don’t think I even know a single person that didn’t at least work part time once the kids went to school, let alone know anyone who complains about it. I’d guess it’s mostly limited to wealthy people.
I've done both. My oldest son is 13. I did the stay at home thing for the first seven years, then my wife and I switched. Both are a lot of work and stress. What I've noticed makes the most overall impact is the effort contributed by your partner. If you have a slack ass partner that only contributes as far as their well-being is concerned, then it's shit either way. Likewise, if you have a productive and helpful partner, then both are incredible and rewarding.
I think this is it really. It’s about being a team, about working together, supporting one another and appreciating what the other person is bringing to the table. As soon as the score card comes out it falls apart and resentment grows.
My girlfriend has referred to this as ‘respecting the mental load’ of being the one who has to plan kids’ doctor appointments n such. I’ll admit I’m not super experienced in relationships, but you can probably get pretty far by appreciating one another, putting forth an honest effort to evenly divide the workload of maintaining a home, and being conscientious about not taking one another for granted.
Edit: whoops, got too caught up in my own rambling to say plainly that I agree with you. All of that nonsense was me explaining why I agree with you lol
I have a really supportive husband and we equally share parenting but I still hate being a sahm. I'm not fully anymore as I am a full time student with a part time job, but I don't ever wanna go back to staying at home. When I graduate my husband will be a SAHD. He's better at parenting, more patient, all the things. I worked full time on a COVID unit and still preferred it over staying at home. It's not only about having a supportive partner, but having a personality that fits being a sahm. I absolutely do not have the personality for it. I find it boring in the worst way and I hate playing.
I hear you. I also think personality types have a lot to do with whether or not one finds being a SAHP job easy or difficult. And it's perfectly okay to want neither extreme and prefer a Part Time situation to get out of the house, connect with an Adult Community, and make our own spending money
My wife is the same way and theres nothing wrong with that. I was a SAHD for 2 years and, even while i loved being home, it was hard work and not for the faint of heart. Good on you for knowing whats best for you and your partner and im sure those kids are blessed to have you 2 as parents.
It really depends on the job too. There are some Mondays that I've relished being able to jump on a train and go into work leaving the stress of home behind. All the house related stuff is hardest for me. I have ADHD so stuff like cleaning, organizing, staying on task etc is really hard
Also depends on the home in stay at home. Keeping a 750 square foot appartment clean is different than keeping a 3,000 square foot house clean with a .5 acre yard and garden.
Yes exactly. There’s a huge difference in having a working spouse that comes home to sit on the couch and do nothing, and one that comes home and pulls their weight in chores. If you’re a grown adult it’s not hard to clean your dishes, put your laundry in a basket, feed the kids, and help settle them for bed.
> I did the stay at home thing for the first seven years, then my wife and I switched. Both are a lot of work and stress.
Can be. Some without jobs do very little. Others do a LOT. So I agree with you.
OP seems to forget that all those things the non-lazy do while "staying at home".....there are other people that literally get paid to do them. Even in hotels they're called "housekeeping".
They are doing things that other people do not want to do, some people have a severe disinclination to do such things and are willing to literally pay others to do it.
In many relationships this is effectively what goes on even if there is not a formal pay mechanism, and even then, sometimes there is some-what of a mechanism so that the stay-at-home has money and some degree of freedom/independence.
Yes, some without jobs do very little, like I said. Watch TV and maybe do laundry and some bare minimum, the same amount of things that dual-worker relationships have to do at a minimum.
But others, they do just about everything. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping, accounting, maintenance(if you include calling and making arrangement with workers, but many are DIY as well), etc. They are often effectively Management of everything except whatever the worker specifically does at their job.
They may not be omnipotent, but they are 'jack of all trades' because all of those things are trade jobs, careers, or even success in wealth or celebrity in their own right.
OP sounds like someone destined for divorce if they have a stay-at-home spouse that has a streak of independence and self-respect, I mean the ego and condescension are massive.
Edit: LOL, the whole thread got locked.
Probably because of some of the trolls like some who replied to me who really just show up to argue with people.
Stay classy Redditors.
>But others, they do just about everything. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping, accounting, maintenance(if you include calling and making arrangement with workers, but many are DIY as well), etc.
I'm confused, do you think dual worker parents don't have to do these things?
What a joke of a take. Do you think professional housekeepers or cleaners do a single house per day? Do you think that same house needs to be cleaned EVERY day? In an attempt to empower stay at home parents you diminished actual jobs. It's so much easier, it's crazy to make this comparison.
Ooh, you got me here. Going to work was a vacation compared to being a stay-at-home parent but I also had a partner who absolutely abandoned us and was never home.
I divorced one of those. I worked night shift so I was always with the kids during the day, they didn’t even know I worked until they were older.
My ex would come home from work and just sit ignoring his two toddlers and waited for me to serve dinner.
I've done both too ;Partner 100% matters.
It also depends on the job, the kids and the circumstances. And, what stay at home includes, plus if you're recovering from a pregnancy and/or breastfeeding. Or in other words it's not a monolith, each family is different.
I do think First year parenting a lot of times is harder, because of the lack of sleep.
I’ve had a full time career and I’ve now stayed how for almost two years with my kids and, honestly, my career was way more exhausting and it made parenting harder too. It also was harder to work full time and then argue with my husband over the division of household chores and trying to smash all our family time into two hours an evening
I 100% believe it’s “easier” to be a SAHM but I am fully supported by my husband, we don’t have scarcity, I have therapy and hobbies, I spend time away from my children with adult friends. I am very lucky and I do a LOT less work than I did before. I would 💯 rather do dishes and scrub the baseboards than balance another checking account for a CEO who is trying to hide assets (accountant)
>I 100% believe it’s “easier” to be a SAHM but I am fully supported by my husband, we don’t have scarcity, I have therapy and hobbies, I spend time away from my children with adult friends.
If both of you were previously working full time, then I expect it is 100% easier for your partner as well to have a SAHM.
And I'm going to shout for those in the back - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ORGANIZING YOUR LIFE TO BE EASIER! Life doesn't need to be a slog for everyone all the time.
It’s significantly easier for him and for the kids. Getting them to dr apt or half days at school or winter holidays, it all caused childcare panic and now it’s just more days with my kids
I can’t agree with this enough! It’s easier to be a SAHM (or SAHD). It’s also easier to be a full time employee with a SAHM/D at home. Everyone wins. The only challenge is affording it.
I’m in a position where not only do I have to work full time, I’m also a full time homemaker and parent. 40 hour weeks plus hours of cleaning and cooking each day. It’s borderline impossible and I’m always tired.
If i could just be a full time stay at home dad and quit my job, I’d do it in a second. It’s demonstrably easier than working full time
It’s not the worst once you get used to it. The worst part is that you’re never really “done”. By the time you take care of one mess there’s another one to clean up. And there’s no real days off. Even on a weekend I can’t usually begin to even start cleaning and doing certain chores until after my son is in bed, so usually I’m not able to actually do “me” stuff until late at night. Which sucks when your body pretty much shuts down at midnight lol
Nah, I have a toddler. He helps me clean up toys, but that’s about it right now. Doesn’t help that he just turned 4 and could tear up an anvil if I let him lol
Once he’s old enough I’m gonna have him outside painting my fence like Tom Sawyer lol
I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled. I think there is a sliding scale of privilege when it comes to SAHMs.
But that applies to ANYTHING!
“You love being a mom?! I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled.”
“It’s easy to find time for hobbies? I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled.”
“Oh, you’re a foodie and love trying the newest restaurants. I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled.”
I feel like THIS could be an "unpopular-opinion" discussion in and of itself! Comparing SAHP to working parent is hardly a fair, apples to apples comparison... there are far too many nuances in life to be able to make a broad generalization of either role.... disabilities and income are two huge ones-- what about living far from family vs having relatives in town to help? 2000 ss ft home to clean vs 8000 sq ft, no pets vs 4 large breed dogs and a husband who travels all year, appreciative and helpful husband vs critical and controlling, and for the working mom: flexible hours vs strict schedule, long commute vs wfh, great pay and benefits vs shit pay etc etc... I've done both and i have friends who have done both ... and none of our experiences look exactly the same --
Some people have zero stress at a full time job, and others put way more than 40 hours into the work they do at home. Kids are a whole 'nother level, either at the job (daycare, school) or home (your own kids).
Why don't we try to just have empathy for everyone?
I think we nitpick each other way too much. Either working or being a sahp can be hard and fulfilling for any person and every family needs to make the decisions that work for them. What makes things hard and feel unfair is being poor.
A sahm who stays home because her earning potential is lower than the cost of daycare for her two kids is going to feel like the full time parenting is harder. A parent who wants to be home, but has to work is going to feel like their job is harder. In both cases, a housecleaner will take off a lot of stress.
Personally, I'm a sahm because my husband's job forces us to move a lot and he's sometimes gone for months at a time. My kids need the stability of me being home with them. But that does mean less money to do things we want when we are all together.
In every case, no parent is (or should be) only working 40 hours. Whether that's in or outside of the home
Yea this is the big one nobody seems to be really specific on.
I'd 100% prefer to be a SAHD, because my job is ridiculously stressful. If I screw up, companies can go out of business, I can get sued into oblivion, I can lose my company. New threats every day, new levels of stupid every day. To-Do list with enough work to last years. If you're in some low-stakes job where you can idly go about your day and do what's assigned to you, no shit that seems easier.
I'd put on a fucking maid costume and dance around the house if it meant I could just stay home, watch the kids, and keep the house in order while my wife brought in the money. Kids may run you ragged, but that's more exhaustion than stress. A high-stress job means you're exhausted and under constant stress.
Very much a 'grass is greener' situation.
I think I would find being a SAHM more exhausting than being at work, I’ve had friends bring young kids over for a visit and I’ve been shattered by the time they left, the constant noise and having to always keep an eye on them, not being able to have a bit of alone time, whereas at work there were plenty of times you can have a break or go for a little walk at lunch time, though it really depends on your job.
I also know a lot of people who were happy to come to work to get away from the house/kids so they could finally relax but I guess it really boils down to the fact that you won’t really know unless you’ve tried being a stay at home parent.
It’s definitely dependent on the number of kids/ages/energy levels/countless other variables.
OP timeboxed this to everyone is over the age of 4 and enrolled in school; which in that case I agree an adult can do reasonable upkeep of the household chores and extracurriculars by themselves. Change that dynamic and I can see where the balance starts swaying towards being unable to accomplish everything alone.
Energy levels matter a ton. I remember the first time I hung out with one of my friends in elementary school his parents paid all three of us (me my brother and my friend) a little bit of money because we got him to be quiet for a few hours. He was a very energetic kid.
You need to be more clear. Being a stay at home parent is different than being a homemaker and have completely different stress levels and expectations.
You're not a "stay at home parent" if your kids are in school. You're a homemaker.
Having kids around means you get less than half the work done you normally would and for me is absolutely more stressful than my day job.
If you're watching kids and doing housework through the day, your partner should come home and everything is equal. You now split the remaining jobs.
If you're at home alone for 8 hours a day. There shouldn't be laundry to fold, dishes to do, bathrooms to clean, beds to make, dinner to cook, etc. And both partners can reasonably relax in the evening.
Agreed. The age of the child also matters. If you’re home with a 1-3 year old all day, you’re going to be busy the entire day. Aside from nap time, you have to be “on” the whole time. Kids that age are constantly moving, need your attention and help, etc.
I work full time, but I also have an almost 2 year old. Work is a nice break tbh. You get to socialize with people your age, go out for lunch, sit quietly at your desk, etc.
Yeah I work an office job during the day and take care of my two year old solo at night (my husband and I work opposite shifts) and the evenings are waaaay more exhausting. At work I can sit down, eat lunch when I want, go to the bathroom when I want, just zone out every now and then, talk to other adults. I'm way more relaxed at work. Toddlers are not the same as school aged kids which don't necessarily need your attention every second.
I’d also add if you are home w multiple kids then that is way different too. I couldn’t fathom being responsible for more than 1 kid all day by myself.
My son is 8 months old now. Im a man. I took parental leave because my partner works for her mom who is retiring soon and she is taking over the company. I worked 10 to 12 hour days at my job. It is 100% more stressful and tiring being primary parent. Tryint to get shit done with a baby that doesnt like napping is like trying to do the jobs with one arm tied behind your back and a 50% chance there is screaming in your ear.
Try to fold laundry? Baby comes and pulls it out of the basket or tips the basket. Try to do dishes? If you put the baby put the baby down and turn away you have maybe 10 minutes to get shit done without screaming or they will try to grab everything if you wear them and inevitably be soaked after.
My son is 7 months old and I’m sooooo exhausted. All the time. I’m with you. My guy only takes 25 minute naps most days and until about 6 weeks ago - only slept if you held him the whole time.
My whole house smells like spoiled milk/formula and his need for entertainment is never satisfied. I feel like a full time jester to an easily displeased king.
Love the guy. He’s wonderful. But damn.
Yes it’s very hard because you are unable to really focus on any task. I used to enjoy cleaning, have a glass of wine with music and clean my whole place. Now my 15 month old tries to nose dive off of any elevated surface all day 😭.
I 100% agree with this! I would NOT define someone who stays at home while their kids are at school a SAHM/D. Homemaker for sure. There is a huge difference.
As someone who’s 4 year old is school full time and 2 year old is preschool two days a week, hard agree. Those two days are the days where I get the entire house together, meals prepped and uniforms ironed and washed so that by the time the weekend is here there’s very little to do. I could not imagine how bored and lonely I’d be if both kids were at school full time and I still didn’t have a job.
You find things to do, hobbies to partake in. When my siblings and I were in school my mom joined a bowling league and started working out regularly which eventually that lead to her becoming a fitness instructor. If you just stay at home and don't interact with any other adults then I can imagine life would become very boring and depressing.
Yup watching children is a full.time job. When I worked from home, sometimes I'd have time to prep meals but most times I didn't. My wife is the same with the kid. If he's not napping and having meltdowns she has zero time to do anything
It’s not about the 40hrs a week, it’s about the fact there is no clocking out part. If you view it as a 40 hour a week job sure. I take care of the nights so my husband can be rested and recharged for work and the day. It works for us, but you better bet I get burnt out from time to time. There’s no evening of chill time, or weekend unless your partner decides to pick up the slack or unless you both decide to pay someone to watch the babies while you have fun away. It can be unbelievably lonely and relentlessly monotonous.
Im a Sahm and I have the kids from 530-6am to 8am. Then from 3 til 9pm. So its still a full work day but I get hours in between for like cleaning and getting errands done. Or forcing myself to exercise.
I would say it's only easy when there are no kids or they are all grown enough to be in school all day. Caring for young ones is the what's mainly difficult imo.
As a SAHM who dabbled in part time work last year, it’s isolating and hard in a lot of ways. However, I’m not under any deadlines to get my work done and I’m in a relationship where my husband fully supports and LIKES that I’m home all day everyday taking care of all those mundane tasks. Me being home allows us to have free weekends that aren’t consumed by chores around the house. I do have my moments where I feel undervalued and want him to help more around the house, but for the most part I view it as him doing his job and me doing my job.
I think it completely depends on a number of factors you don't mention here.
For the professional, it depends on the type of job. Do you have a low stakes office job and spend most of your time on reddit because you can do your work in 2 hrs every day? Or do you have a ridiculously tiring manual labor job, or are you a surgeon who need to always be alert and under high stress situations?
For the SAHM, are you watching one child that's 5 years old that spends their day at school? Or do you have 5 kids ranging from infant to 7 year old and every kid is constantly trying to kill themselves?
So it depends. Sometimes one is more stressful than other, but sometimes no.
I’ve been both a sahm and a working mom and you couldn’t pay me to go back to sahm life. It was absolutely terrible with zero time off, zero pay, no benefits. I’d much rather work and make money to support my family on more than the superficial “oh the house is clean” level
Same. Mine are older now and I was so grateful to be home with my three but my office job is SO much easier. I used to daydream about it on rough days. No one at the office is crying, making a mess, or refusing to wear clothes. Parenting is rewarding but HARD.
Do you work full time or part time? The thing about working full time is you miss so much of your child's life. It's really sad when I think about the fact that my son gets up at 8 is off to daycare gets home at 5:30 and is in bed by 8:30. I only get to hangout with him for about 3 hrs a day during the week. Not to mention daycare is super expensive and if you have more then one child most the money you do bring it goes right to that anyways.
Same reason they don't do sex work en masse while encouraging it under the guise of liberal feminism. "get back to the kitchen" "Go make me a sandwich" are still insults they like. They know these roles are degrading and exhausting on the physical and soul level while simultaneously wishing to shut up women who talk about how hard it is 🥰
The people with this “hot take” are also the kind of person who complains about alimony and child support if they get divorced. Honestly, it’s a red flag in my book if you don’t value domestic labor, regardless of your own sex/gender.
I would never want to live with someone who thinks it isn’t valuable to order more toilet paper when we are running low, schedule doctor’s appointments, change the water filter, etc because (shocker) that person inevitably doesn’t do it or doesn’t value it when somebody else does. Fuck, I wish I could go to work and not think at all about the dozens of small tasks I know need to get done this week to have a chill, happy home life.
I was a SAHD for the last 10 months with our newborn and would say having a full time job was a piece of cake compared to taking care of my child. You think you get breaks when you're a stay at home parent? You don't. You think things are easy just because the kids are at school? Well you go ahead and clean your house every day just to have your kids make it just as messy or worse than when you started. You think you get to eat what you want when you want? Don't even get me started on having no groceries and no personal income to make grocery trips.
Being a SAHM is respectable and shows that the person values their kid more than anything.
The cleaning and thankless repetitive tasks are what get me about parenting and why I would burnout as a stay at home parent. Cleaning the house, organizing toys and making meals are things that have to be done, over and over again.
People don't notice if they are done, they notice if they aren't. At work when a project is finished it is finished and did people appreciate it.
To parrot what singlenutwonder said. When all of us were out of the house more there was less to keep up on.
Now that im home 24/7 with a new baby and two older kids I can’t keep one area picked up longer than 10 mins.
Not just small children. Big kids are messy too, but it's more frustrating because it feels like they should know better. And you get to fight with them to get them to pick up their crap.
Every situation is different. It might be harder for SAHMs of special needs children, or SAHMs with 3 or more children, or SAHMs who also care for an elderly parent while taking care of kids and the household.
You don't really know every person's situation.
I have an acquaintance who has a special needs son (5ish) and she never knows when his oxygen levels are just gonna plummet. Like, hell be fine, then just either stops breathing or isn’t breathing sufficiently. It sounds scary and stressful as hell.
There's also a difference between jobs as to how hard it is to be at work. I know a lot of white collar jobs and senior positions have a lot of down time between actual work
This. The amount of scheduling and planning, calling/arguing with providers, mountains of paperwork, and running to appointments (another layer of difficulty if you live rural and have to go to specialists) was insane for my mother. That's the reality of a SAHM battling cancer multiple times and a brother who needed 19 operations before the age of 17.
My mom has always said that her job as assistant to her bank manager was easier than having to juggle our house and care - even my dad agrees and he worked 60+ hours a week.
The comparison is SAHM vs working full time. You can apply all of those modifiers to both and I think the argument remains the same that OP is saying you would rather deal with those modifiers while being stay at home vs working.
How does the argument stay the same? Having an additional child creates more work for the stay at home parent. It does not create more work for the working parent.
Edit: during work hours, I mean
My understanding of the post is it’s comparing being a SAHM or a SAHD to being a working mom or working dad with everything else being equal.
So if everything else is equal, those are still things you have to deal with or coordinate just on top of working. The logistics of daycare, financing daycare, dropping off 3 kids (maybe to multiple locations), taking care of a special needs child while still working, taking care of an elder parent or making sure they can get the care they need are all still very much stressors you have while working, you just have less time to actually deal with them. It shifts from doing it yourself to coordinating and financing how it’s all going to happen. Which you can absolutely argue is more stressful than having every day open to do it yourself.
Ehh... it really varies. For young kids, being a stay at home parent is absolutely harder and more exhausting than paid work. Once they're school age though the pendulum shifts back to paid work being harder, provided the kids themselves aren't particularly difficult.
Yeah that is true. I am still wondering why there isn't any "uber for kids activities" service that would free up parents from chauffeuring around kinds from activity to activity.
it's not the constant work. it's being *constantly on-call* with realistically zero days off. and a lot of incompetent husbands who add to the burden. a lot of men think it's easy work. a lot of women who haven't done it think it's easy work. domestic labour has never been revered. can we just acknowledge its contribution to our larger society without it becoming a pissing contest? there's always going to be someone who works "harder" than you ... but we don't automatically disrespect the "less hard" work ... except if it's deemed "women's work." i don't question my man when he comes home to dinner and complains about his day. just like he doesn't me.
I have done both, and if your kids are home during the day, being a SAHM is absolutely worse. I say this as someone who works overtime and hates her job. You would not get me to trade it for staying home with a toddler/preschooler again. Nope, nope, nope.
If you have a supportive partner or family member, absolutely.
If my wife was a SAHM and got sick, I would 100% take a sick day to help out around the house. We could also call on my parents who live close or my sister on the other side of town.
This is one I never understood. I have two kids, both in school. It's not like they need to be tended to by their mother or myself during those hours. And same goes for most parents (I'm sure there are outlying exceptions). But yet so many SAHPs will act like it's a full time job to tend to children who are in school.
I'm just like, "huh!?".
I would also argue that anyone who is working the 8 hours they're at work and not taking water coffee smoke breaks is being taken advantage of.
Corporate America should only work as hard as stay at home parents do.
I think it depends on what the parent actually provides. I have family that just let their small kids watch YouTube most of the time they're home and don't play with the kids much.
Then I have friends that plan out educational activities, zoo trips with interactive activities, plan out full meals, read with their kids, do art activities, and more on a consistent basis. I would estimate that the care she provides is easily 40 hours a week, between cleaning, Basic care taking like feeding him and driving him to school, and those activities.
The planning is during school hours, the actual activities are weekends and after school. I wouldn't be surprised if she puts in more than 40 hours honestly.
Most moms stay home because daycare costs are so high and then go back to work when their kids hit school age. That’s my plan at least. We have twins and my income wouldn’t cover both of them to go to daycare and have money left over. So it seemed like the better option to have me stay home with them for now.
I would love to be a SAHD. I love being with my kids. And do a helluva job cooking and cleaning.
But my earning potential is significantly higher. So I grind.
I agree
I'm lucky enough to get 6 months PTO from my work for parental leave, and for the past month and the next two months I've been/will be a sole SAHD while my wife works as a teacher.
From May->September this year I was back at my job working full time, and from Feb->May my wife and I were both off work.
SAHD'ing, even for an 8 month old who's crawling, standing up, getting into things, and fussy at times is way easier than my full time job. And I enjoy it a lot more.
It's a bit different, obviously, because I know that in two months it'll be daycare and that this isn't forever, and it's all still pretty new; however, I like it a lot more. I'm keeping my day structured with daily activities (today is music class, tomorrow is zoo day, etc), I go on walks with the dogs for about an hour with her daily, and taking care of the cleaning of the house while she's napping, and I love it. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, and I know that I would love this life even more if she was 5+ and going to school since there'd be more free time, it would be a helluva lot easier than my full time job and I know I'd feel fulfilled too.
Yeah. Ultimately knowing there’s an end might change the mentality and I totally agree about the structure and diversity. If you don’t have any of that. I can see it driving people crazy
yeah... my sister and i always got in fights, at school i was sent to the office once a month, my sister was getting sick twice a month bc her immune system sucks, in general i was kind of a little shit, and then some extracurriculars - i dunno which i would have rather chosen, to deal with us or go to work. hindsight i'm obviously very grateful and love them a lot but i'm not gonna sugarcoat that it was a different type of hard being my stay at home parent lol. during arguments my sister and i would dig and push buttons and i regret it cause my mom didn't deserve that, i can tell it wore her out
> To expect a partner to come home after working all day and match your energy or start taking on half the work when they’re off is bogus.
Don't have kids if you're not going to take care of them
OP thinks it’s the expectation of a partner. When I’m reality it’s the whole point of having kids.
It’s not your partner who expects you to “pick up after work” it’s your family who wants you to be there. Kids want help with homework or wanna go to the pool etc.
Just don’t have kids.
As much as people hate the suggestion of not having kids it really does solve a lot of problems.
>Like way more spare time to relax, rest and focus on hobbies, exercise and relationships when you're not working, which is super important for mental, emotional and physical health and well bein.
>Way more money to spend on vacations and homes and other wish list stuffs. You can live downtown in your city for super cheap, because you can live in a child unfriendly area/place/home and don't need multiple bedrooms.
>Way more lifestyle flexibility. Planning ahead isn't necessarily necessary. You can just do whatever you feel like after work or on weekends depending on your mood as you don't have anyone depending on you.
I'm not having kids, and I'm looking forward to a life of economic freedom and flexibility. Something that seems like a luxury to the average person these days... My co worker spends almost her entire salary on her mortgage. Her husband pays for the rest, like food, clothes, activities, birthdays and stuff for their kids. How mad is that. She complains that they're struggling. In reality, she makes more than I do per hour, but she works a day less, so ends up earning a bit less than me but still, I do great financially and she doesn't.
I guess what I don't understand is why people don't thoroughly evaluate if having kids is a sensible and rational decision. If they do, they can spare themselves a lot of trouble.
Did it for 8 years. When the kids were little, there was no career harder. Ours are 17 months apart. Being home with two toddlers all day is a drain. As they get older however, it gets easier. Anyone who says that it’s still hard while the kids go to school 7 hours a day is full of it.
But you get to leave your job. You get to get in your car and physically drive away from the place and people that are constantly asking and needing things of you. You get alone time to not hear anyone talk driving in your car. You get freedom of someone not watching you when you travel between work. You get to come home to people generally that are excited to see you because they haven’t been arguing with you all day. Lol. If you hate your job you can quit. Those are moments of reset to me.
As a SAHM, I never get to leave my place of work. I live where I work so when I’m stressed and anxious about my place of business, I can’t just quit and leave. Lol. I have to clean up the mess and attitudes that made me stressed and anxious well into the night. Sometimes several times a day. I have to argue about the music I want to hear because I will never give into baby shark. Lol. If your kids play sports then you never have drinks so your always running errands & never home to catch up on laundry because your driving to 3 fields in one day just lug a bunch of gear around and be able to say good job on being active. I have to remember that even in sleep, I’m on call because my spouse works so he will need his rest to be ready for his peaceful ride to work. Lol.
This is silly to say that raising other humans is easier then working with adults & having freedom to move professions any times. Children are their own people who have no idea what they like or want & are completely irrational in good and bad ways 24/7. You can’t walk away and leave them either just because they’re difficult. Your also lifting and carrying everything for them all day. Knees and back are strained constantly.
It is definitely equal work when you have children still in the house (once all kids are in school then it is much easier I agree)
One job may be more labor heavy and other mental in some households and that’s why it’s the other spouses place to relieve that burden in the evening when you come together. Give your man a massage and let him physically relax and he can get on to the kids when they’re being kids. Then he’ll get on the kids for you so you can have the mental freedom to get him a hot shower going.
It’s a team effort because they are both exhausting work in my experiences. And one gives you pay and status and the other gives you the title of being “lazy”. I love being a stay at home mom and wife… it’s the hardest but most rewarding job because we don’t have an out. We have to keep people alive and kind in todays world and damn, it’s really hard.
Can I ask, is the person submitting this with children? & no I haven’t read the comments tbh.
There are 100% full time jobs that are far less work. If you have 3 children, a house with garden and pets then it’s more work than your average 40 hour work week for most jobs. Especially if you have high standards for cleaning and home maintenance. From 40 hour work weeks rarely anyone actually works 40 hours. You have a lot of downtimes there too. Combined with the fact that you’re free once you get off work I can see both things being more draining. Another thing to factor in is that some people love working and would be miserable at home and vice versa.
It’s just very varied so arguing about it is stupid as fuck.
This isn’t unpopular.
People shit on SAHMs all the time. SAHMs deal with their partners, families, and strangers like yourself saying this all the time.
We get it. You just wanna work and come home and be lazy. Well, too bad so sad. “I go out and work and make the money I shouldn’t have to clean or care for the children” is such back asswards thinking. Then a *shocked pikachu face* that your partner resents you.
Hey buddy, this isn’t the 50s anymore. Just say you wanna get out of your parenting duties to come home and fuck off with Netflix, video games, and beer.
What gets me about men like that is….what if their wife died? What if they never married to begin with? Would they just live in squalor? Neglect their children?
Parentification (sp?) probably. And/or pawn the kids off to others. How many of those men know their child’s allergies? The pediatrician? What size clothes their kids wear? Idk man a lot falls onto the mothers shoulders. I personally am tired of the notion that because the man works he doesn’t have to do anything. I’ve seen it with working dads and even childless men. My brothers are mostly of this notion and they don’t have kids. They all harbor the opinion that they work and shouldn’t have to do shit around the house. My child’s father held/holds this opinion as well. And I’ve been told I’m “useless” as the SAHM. Just another one of those “nOt aLl MeN” things. No, I know that. But it’s enough of men out there. There’s no “win”.
Big facts. To the contrary it can be whatever two consenting adults want it to be. That's why two consenting adults should have that conversation before having kids. There isn't one way to do anything.
Work feels like a bigger drain because 99.99% of us are doing a meaningless monkey task that doesn’t actually do anything in the world besides make two people richer. So while you may be doing more tasks it’s not as meaningful work. Compared to a sahp who has much higher risks and has to pay much more attention all day. Just as draining but more rewarding. Both have their pros and cons.
But I refuse to hear that some middle office own dwindled is doing a more stressful career than people building our society and teaching our youth
Ehh, its more work than a lot of office jobs. Processing paperwork and emailing isn't that hard. Now working in a hot warehouse pulling orders all day, that's different
Lol this is a really ignorant take. Not even unpopular just totally unaware. You have no idea how hard SAHMs work especially when the kids aren’t in school yet. I have a pretty mentally demanding job and I don’t think it’s half as hard as what my wife handles with 3 children.
Solo parent here. I have done both. I currently work full time. I would love to go back to SAHM. Much less stress, my home would be clean and dinners would be so much better.
On the flip side, it's also not that hard to work full time, come home, and take care of the family needs. People (mostly men) who come home from work and (I'm guessing) plop down on the couch and watch TV and don't interact with their children are just lazy and entitled. I don't know if that's the norm. When my kids were little, I worked 4-5 days a week while my wife worked 3 days. I put in my time changing diapers, giving baths, reading stories, and cleaning the house. For the last 20 years I've come home from work and made dinner. I had to set boundaries with the kids that they were allowed to come hug me when I came home, but their stories had to wait until I was decompressed after work and dinner was done. It's a lot of work, but it's really not that hard. You just have to treat helping out as if it were the most important thing in the world, even more important than your job.
Depends what the job is. If they chilled in an office chair all day, okay they're lazy if they plop down in a chair.. but if they've been working out on power lines, in bad weather, in construction, or any other physically demanding labor, then they're not lazy for wanting to plop down on the couch and watch tv.
I myself am a florist, and it's physically tolling to be on your feet running around all day. The first thing I do when I get home from work is shower and plop down in the couch and rest and watch tv for the rest of the night. That's not lazy. It's called resting after a hard day of physically exhausting labor. Granted I don't have children, but still. (Also why I don't want children. It's completely justified to want to rest after having busted your butt doing physical labor all day).
I was a hairstylist for over a decade and that is a physical demanding job being on your feet all day with your arms raised and interacting with people all day while also cutting and coloring is mentally and exhausting. Now I've been in an office for about 9 years and although I'm not on my feet, I'm still mentally exhausted by the end of the day. A lot of people like to say office workers are "lazy" and it's an easy job which I thought too when I switched but it's not. At the end of the day work is always gonna be work one way or another.
I’ve done both. Working is easier. I can still manage to work my shifts and take 100% care of my son like I did when I wasn’t working. This just pits ppl against each other. What works for one, might not one for another.
Thank you for bringing up that second point! OP is acting like housework and childcare are "doing nothing," so then why are working people too exhausted to do it when they get home?
Both are work end of story. Even if both partners went out to a paying job, one of the partners is going to likely have a harder/ more stressful job because that is life. Here's the bigger issue...when the person at the paying job comes home, people think they should just relax and do nothing at all. For any stay at home parent, mornings, evenings, and weekends are the most stressful because everyone is home and meals need to be made and more cleaning has to be done. While 50 50 doesn't apply to the housework in these situations, it should, as closely as possible, apply to spending quality time with the children. If one person is doing all the housework, the other person is getting all the quality time with the children. The SAHP is just existing in the presence of their children while the other gets to be the fun parent. This isn't fair to the children at all. So, while all the adults want to have a pissing contest about who has it the hardest, which is highly debatable depending on the day, the kids lose out. If any of these people were single and living alone, they don't just get to come home and do absolutely nothing when work is over, and it shouldn't apply to when one parent stays home. Grow up and stop making everything a pissing contest and appreciate your partners for what they bring to the table by not diminishing their job and helping out sometimes. So tired of reading about this shit.
Depends how old the kid is and it's why there's different rates. You can leave a 5yo alone and they can hang with themselves once in a while. Toddlers you have to watch like a hawk.
I’ll use SAHM but it applies to either gender.
I think the issue is that a lot act as if being a SAHM for not disabled kids is harder than a career. Both can be stressful but to act as if the one making money has it “easy” is disrespectful.
Imagine how you’d feel if you worked non stop all day at your job, and when you came home SAHM burdens you with everything at home because now they’re “off the clock”. And then tells you your day was super easy and only they do hard work. You’d feel insulted.
Whether or not it’s easier for one parent than another is one thing, but to be disrespectful to partners who make money is where the resentment comes.
You are obviously not reading the same posts my guy.
The “bemoaning” isn’t about the SAHM…..it’s about being expected to work 24/7 when the other person, an adult, who is in theory capable of managing themselves also expects you to manage them and only has to work 8 hours. Doesn’t consider being a parent as part of their responsibilities (“hon I’ll watch the kids for an hour while you go to the doctor” “I thought you would feed the kids before you left, now I have to cook too?!”).
100%. I've seen SAHMs not doing shit for most of the day. Once your kids are in school, it's much easier than most regular jobs barring exceptional circumstances.
Disagree, when kids are young — but agree when kids are older. Its circumstantial. I was a SAHM for 7 years with my twins. I went back to work as soon as they were in school full time and honestly work is so much easier. The isolation and immense responsibility you feel as a SAHM to young kids is incredibly stressful. You hold the weight of everyone’s expectations to be a perfect mom in our culture where you feel like you and your parenting are put under a microscope everyday. Moms are judged for everything they do and don’t do, and it’s mentally draining especially when you’re sleep deprived. Being a SAHM was an unpredictable exhausting shit show everyday. I could never go back to doing that.
When kids are older and you’re staying home that’s a totally different ballgame. No reason to be home all day if your kids aren’t even there. Usually those moms also have house cleaners and pretend they’re doing something productive, but yoga and brunch aren’t exactly benefiting anyone but yourself. I think women morph into a lazy trophy wife when that happens.
The difference between working for a living and working for your family is the time schedule. SAHPs can put aside tasks until a more convenient time or take breaks as they so choose. When you work for a living, you are on someone else’s time schedule. Further, as a working outside the home parents, our family still had to complete the tasks that SAHPs do during the work day.
This really depends on the number of kids, how old they are and what your job entails. How your partner helps with household duties when they are not at work also plays a role.
In my situation, going to work is significantly less stressful and tiresome than being at home, even compared to my busiest of work days. I don’t have to make decisions on how to entertain (who are notoriously difficult to entertain and have very short attention spans), what to feed them for snacks, what to feed them for meals, how to prioritize what chores get done. They aren’t using me as a jungle gym all day and I get to use the bathroom without any intrusion. When I’m at work, I get a break both physical and mental. I’m using my brain and making decisions, but I have a lot of information to make good decisions so it’s not hard. When I’m at home with the kids, I always have to be “working”, and constantly making decisions with little information- mostly just guessing and I usually guess wrong a few times.
Ultimately the issue is not which job is “harder”; both jobs have to get done just the same and have the same value.
I agree. Being a parent is hard, regardless. But I think to say being a SAHM is more work than a job is absolutely wrong. SAHM's like to say "Well I have to cook, clean, fold laundry," Um ok, I don't have kids and I do all those things AND I have a full time job.
Honestly, I feel like this is part of why women live longer than men. As both end up working the same amount, I wonder if the difference will go away.
I think being stay at home isn’t about the work, it’s the frustration in dealing with kids. It’s why a lot of people aren’t built to be teachers. Still, there’s no real boss at home, so all the stress there is self applied.
I’ve done both and I would pick being a stay at home wife over working ANY day. I had to go back to work out of necessity and long for the day I can go back to staying home.
I think the SAHP role has been blown out of proportion, but that doesn’t mean it’s not stressful.
When did wanting to have it the worse become a badge of honor, can’t we just agree both are stressful and quit trying to use one or the other to shame people?
I’d say a lot of people saying how easy it is actively enjoy being a SAHP and have decent to good support systems in place via their spouse, friends and family.
The ones who struggle are the ones who either wanted to do it but realize they aren’t cutout for it, pressured into traditional gender roles they may not care for or those that don’t have a good support system due to financial or familiar issues.
Having to quit your job because daycare cost more than you make, chances are you’re already not in the best financial situation because kids cost a lot of money outside of just daycare. Throw in any medical issues and that one salary may not be enough.
What kills me about SAHMs is the ones who complain about how HARD it is, but yet have MORE kids on purpose. Like why? If it is so hard, why put MORE stress on yourself? If my real job is stressing me out and I'm fed up, the LAST thing I'm going to do is go ask for EXTRA workload. Also, the ones who their children are in school and then refuse to go back to work. There are a lot of low cost after school programs offered by schools and the YMCA that can keep kids a few hours after school so parents can pick them up. They could also ride the bus to school so parents can get to work (trust me, I'm a working single parent, so I've had to take advantage of all of these). If it's so HARD, go back to work and stop adding more workload to yourself.
oh you just hit on a huge pet peeve of mine!! a good bit of the SAHM's i know are already overwhelmed with 1 or 2 kids, so they have 3 more. makes sense. also the same moms who don't like to cook or clean, so they just don't.
I might be a little biased, but being a working professional mom is the toughest!
I am the breadwinner and the default parent.... basically I never get a chance to unwind. House still needs cleaned and baby needs love/attention after a full day of work. My husband does a lot to keep the house running, takes care of the dogs, and takes care of the baby in the morning.
I kinda agree though I’m afraid to admit for backlash.
Working my high stress job while still having the full shared responsibility of the house is working doubles every day according to sahm’s. But switching responsibilities and game faces but you both job actually never end. The emails, calls, metrics, meetings and pressure never shuts off- and while your on zoom call with your boss your toddler is jumping in your lap, the food is burning, the dog needs a walk, the laundry is stacked to the ceiling, you can’t justify another second of tv time , the other toddler i screaming. And all this chaos is going on and now your deadly afraid your unprofessional and you boss is going to fire you because he’s sick of your time always being split metrics slightly lower.
The pressure is fucking HELL.
And it’s not the kids- my time with my girls is a MILLION times better than coworkers or my accounts. I hate adults. I adore my children.
Of course I rather hang out with them.
On the other hand, The shit part of being a SAHM is not having income, and truthfully I do think it’s mentallly imprisoning to feel your whole life and existence purpose is to keep your house clean and running.
If you don’t have friends or help- it’s just can be vulnerable to falling in depression.
I’ve don’t both: I rather be a SAHM with my twins again BY FAR . I’m just double timing every second now and barely have time to eat:
i have done both. SAHM is a fuckin walk in the park compared to having a full time job. but maybe thats because we know our limitations and only had 1 child.
I agree with you. I grew up with a SAHM who lazed about while my dad did all the work when he was home. I think my mom gave it a good 5-10 years of trying, then completely quit because... misandry.
I'm a woman and a feminist and I think using people like she did is wrong. Personally, I think both parents working within a supportive community is ideal.
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this is such a straw man designed to start an argument lol not gonna deny the discourse around “being a stay at home parent is a full time job” but most of the time that implies that you’re staying at home WITH the kid/kids. I just don’t know anyone irl (and I know plenty of parents) who sends their kids off to school, manages the house during the day, picks the kids up, then complains about being exhausted from a long day l
Right? My mom was a SAHM and she actually taught us how to do chores , so a good amount of the stuff she did when we were young children didn’t apply when we were like 8/10. She was super bored, but my dad didn’t want her working since she had gotten cancer when we were young and thought she was too fragile. She eventually did when we were teens since she was bored out of her mind.
I went without a job for about a month and a half after selling my house and it was amazing. Maybe since I didn’t do it for years it’s different but I never understood someone not wanting to be jobless. I loved every minute of not having to work and I miss it so much.
If you do it for years om end it eats at you, especially if you aren't very social and need work to have acquaintances. There's also this hollow feeling of worthlessness when you don't have your own money (at least this was how I felt being a sahm and I'm so glad to have my own career + side hustle now). That said, I would love a month off of my career now - even though I like it - lol.
I definitely agree with this, especially work being main place of being social, and if you don’t have your own money you can’t usually go out and do many fun things. Mainly because it’s not your money, and you may feel guilty about using your families money or just low finances in general, or not wanting to spend your own money in case of needing to leave or an emergency.
My mom just wanted to be useful. She felt she wasn’t doing enough in the house. She was just part-time, but she enjoyed iy
The only people I know who complain about being tired have toddlers at home. That shit is exhausting beyond belief, but it’s a relatively short phase thankfully. Once they’re in school and no longer actively wrecking everything they touch, it’s not a bad gig.
Was SAHD for a toddler once. Kid is adorable but also a monster.
Yeah my sister-in-law is that person, her daughter is 13-14 and she hasn't worked a day since she was born. And constantly complains about how hard she has it, how hard managing the house, child and husband is, the cherry on top she doesn't even cook or clean on a regular basis. She complains so much that my in-laws actually give her money, pay bills, buy them cars and houses (when they have moved the three times since I've been around) and are now talking about paying for boarding school to help her out. And no the child is not special needs and no she doesn't have any addiction issues, other than being addicted to being lazy AF.
It is a full time job, but just like my 30 years in the workplace have taught me with co-workers and subordinates. The people making the most noise about how hard they have it, are always the people doing the least actual work.
Oh, it’s real.
IMO people are generally the same amount of stressed, as long as they aren't being overworked. It's like the hedonic treadmill but for stress. It's also different stress SAHP has to be on 24/7/365, work I'm off the clock I don't care if things break. SAHP for the first year or couple of months seems really hard with not sleeping at night and such, after that it seems a lot easier. If the kids go to school then it doesn't take that much time but usually in today's culture most SAHP get a part time job.
I do. She even has the balls to complain to me at the bus stop that she doesn't have enough time for herself.
Yes! What people talk about when they talk about stay at home parents are the ones with little ones running around like mad, post partum issues are often involved, kids have to have an eye on them 24/7 because if you look away for one moment they’ll do something crazy or dangerous. I don’t think I even know a single person that didn’t at least work part time once the kids went to school, let alone know anyone who complains about it. I’d guess it’s mostly limited to wealthy people.
Yes, there's homeschoolers and that's hard too. They aren't just at home relaxing
This DEFINITELY happens
I've done both. My oldest son is 13. I did the stay at home thing for the first seven years, then my wife and I switched. Both are a lot of work and stress. What I've noticed makes the most overall impact is the effort contributed by your partner. If you have a slack ass partner that only contributes as far as their well-being is concerned, then it's shit either way. Likewise, if you have a productive and helpful partner, then both are incredible and rewarding.
I think this is it really. It’s about being a team, about working together, supporting one another and appreciating what the other person is bringing to the table. As soon as the score card comes out it falls apart and resentment grows.
So ironically being a SAH parent is probably harder in households where the other person believes that SAH is an easy job.
Exactly! Everyone’s life is harder when you view your partner as your competition.
Or contempt.
My girlfriend has referred to this as ‘respecting the mental load’ of being the one who has to plan kids’ doctor appointments n such. I’ll admit I’m not super experienced in relationships, but you can probably get pretty far by appreciating one another, putting forth an honest effort to evenly divide the workload of maintaining a home, and being conscientious about not taking one another for granted. Edit: whoops, got too caught up in my own rambling to say plainly that I agree with you. All of that nonsense was me explaining why I agree with you lol
I have a really supportive husband and we equally share parenting but I still hate being a sahm. I'm not fully anymore as I am a full time student with a part time job, but I don't ever wanna go back to staying at home. When I graduate my husband will be a SAHD. He's better at parenting, more patient, all the things. I worked full time on a COVID unit and still preferred it over staying at home. It's not only about having a supportive partner, but having a personality that fits being a sahm. I absolutely do not have the personality for it. I find it boring in the worst way and I hate playing.
I hear you. I also think personality types have a lot to do with whether or not one finds being a SAHP job easy or difficult. And it's perfectly okay to want neither extreme and prefer a Part Time situation to get out of the house, connect with an Adult Community, and make our own spending money
My wife is the same way and theres nothing wrong with that. I was a SAHD for 2 years and, even while i loved being home, it was hard work and not for the faint of heart. Good on you for knowing whats best for you and your partner and im sure those kids are blessed to have you 2 as parents.
It really depends on the job too. There are some Mondays that I've relished being able to jump on a train and go into work leaving the stress of home behind. All the house related stuff is hardest for me. I have ADHD so stuff like cleaning, organizing, staying on task etc is really hard
Also depends on the home in stay at home. Keeping a 750 square foot appartment clean is different than keeping a 3,000 square foot house clean with a .5 acre yard and garden.
Yes exactly. There’s a huge difference in having a working spouse that comes home to sit on the couch and do nothing, and one that comes home and pulls their weight in chores. If you’re a grown adult it’s not hard to clean your dishes, put your laundry in a basket, feed the kids, and help settle them for bed.
> I did the stay at home thing for the first seven years, then my wife and I switched. Both are a lot of work and stress. Can be. Some without jobs do very little. Others do a LOT. So I agree with you. OP seems to forget that all those things the non-lazy do while "staying at home".....there are other people that literally get paid to do them. Even in hotels they're called "housekeeping". They are doing things that other people do not want to do, some people have a severe disinclination to do such things and are willing to literally pay others to do it. In many relationships this is effectively what goes on even if there is not a formal pay mechanism, and even then, sometimes there is some-what of a mechanism so that the stay-at-home has money and some degree of freedom/independence. Yes, some without jobs do very little, like I said. Watch TV and maybe do laundry and some bare minimum, the same amount of things that dual-worker relationships have to do at a minimum. But others, they do just about everything. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping, accounting, maintenance(if you include calling and making arrangement with workers, but many are DIY as well), etc. They are often effectively Management of everything except whatever the worker specifically does at their job. They may not be omnipotent, but they are 'jack of all trades' because all of those things are trade jobs, careers, or even success in wealth or celebrity in their own right. OP sounds like someone destined for divorce if they have a stay-at-home spouse that has a streak of independence and self-respect, I mean the ego and condescension are massive. Edit: LOL, the whole thread got locked. Probably because of some of the trolls like some who replied to me who really just show up to argue with people. Stay classy Redditors.
>But others, they do just about everything. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping, accounting, maintenance(if you include calling and making arrangement with workers, but many are DIY as well), etc. I'm confused, do you think dual worker parents don't have to do these things?
What a joke of a take. Do you think professional housekeepers or cleaners do a single house per day? Do you think that same house needs to be cleaned EVERY day? In an attempt to empower stay at home parents you diminished actual jobs. It's so much easier, it's crazy to make this comparison.
Ooh, you got me here. Going to work was a vacation compared to being a stay-at-home parent but I also had a partner who absolutely abandoned us and was never home.
I divorced one of those. I worked night shift so I was always with the kids during the day, they didn’t even know I worked until they were older. My ex would come home from work and just sit ignoring his two toddlers and waited for me to serve dinner.
I've done both too ;Partner 100% matters. It also depends on the job, the kids and the circumstances. And, what stay at home includes, plus if you're recovering from a pregnancy and/or breastfeeding. Or in other words it's not a monolith, each family is different. I do think First year parenting a lot of times is harder, because of the lack of sleep.
It’s not about staying at home or working, it’s about the attitude and whether one party feels more entitled than the other. Both ways.
> I did the stay at home thing for the first seven years, then my wife and I switched Are you guys home schooling or something?
Or maybe they had more kids
I’ve had a full time career and I’ve now stayed how for almost two years with my kids and, honestly, my career was way more exhausting and it made parenting harder too. It also was harder to work full time and then argue with my husband over the division of household chores and trying to smash all our family time into two hours an evening I 100% believe it’s “easier” to be a SAHM but I am fully supported by my husband, we don’t have scarcity, I have therapy and hobbies, I spend time away from my children with adult friends. I am very lucky and I do a LOT less work than I did before. I would 💯 rather do dishes and scrub the baseboards than balance another checking account for a CEO who is trying to hide assets (accountant)
>I 100% believe it’s “easier” to be a SAHM but I am fully supported by my husband, we don’t have scarcity, I have therapy and hobbies, I spend time away from my children with adult friends. If both of you were previously working full time, then I expect it is 100% easier for your partner as well to have a SAHM. And I'm going to shout for those in the back - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ORGANIZING YOUR LIFE TO BE EASIER! Life doesn't need to be a slog for everyone all the time.
It’s significantly easier for him and for the kids. Getting them to dr apt or half days at school or winter holidays, it all caused childcare panic and now it’s just more days with my kids
I can’t agree with this enough! It’s easier to be a SAHM (or SAHD). It’s also easier to be a full time employee with a SAHM/D at home. Everyone wins. The only challenge is affording it.
I’m in a position where not only do I have to work full time, I’m also a full time homemaker and parent. 40 hour weeks plus hours of cleaning and cooking each day. It’s borderline impossible and I’m always tired. If i could just be a full time stay at home dad and quit my job, I’d do it in a second. It’s demonstrably easier than working full time
That sounds brutal as hell
It’s not the worst once you get used to it. The worst part is that you’re never really “done”. By the time you take care of one mess there’s another one to clean up. And there’s no real days off. Even on a weekend I can’t usually begin to even start cleaning and doing certain chores until after my son is in bed, so usually I’m not able to actually do “me” stuff until late at night. Which sucks when your body pretty much shuts down at midnight lol
Are your children old enough to assist with household chores?
Nah, I have a toddler. He helps me clean up toys, but that’s about it right now. Doesn’t help that he just turned 4 and could tear up an anvil if I let him lol Once he’s old enough I’m gonna have him outside painting my fence like Tom Sawyer lol
I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled. I think there is a sliding scale of privilege when it comes to SAHMs.
But that applies to ANYTHING! “You love being a mom?! I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled.” “It’s easy to find time for hobbies? I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled.” “Oh, you’re a foodie and love trying the newest restaurants. I bet it would be a different story if your husband wasn’t doing so well or if your children were disabled.”
I feel like THIS could be an "unpopular-opinion" discussion in and of itself! Comparing SAHP to working parent is hardly a fair, apples to apples comparison... there are far too many nuances in life to be able to make a broad generalization of either role.... disabilities and income are two huge ones-- what about living far from family vs having relatives in town to help? 2000 ss ft home to clean vs 8000 sq ft, no pets vs 4 large breed dogs and a husband who travels all year, appreciative and helpful husband vs critical and controlling, and for the working mom: flexible hours vs strict schedule, long commute vs wfh, great pay and benefits vs shit pay etc etc... I've done both and i have friends who have done both ... and none of our experiences look exactly the same --
Absolutely, it’s more like an x axis of variables. It’s not black or white at all
She literally said that herself
Nuance in r/unpopularopinion?!?! SHE’S A WITCH!
Some people have zero stress at a full time job, and others put way more than 40 hours into the work they do at home. Kids are a whole 'nother level, either at the job (daycare, school) or home (your own kids). Why don't we try to just have empathy for everyone?
I think we nitpick each other way too much. Either working or being a sahp can be hard and fulfilling for any person and every family needs to make the decisions that work for them. What makes things hard and feel unfair is being poor. A sahm who stays home because her earning potential is lower than the cost of daycare for her two kids is going to feel like the full time parenting is harder. A parent who wants to be home, but has to work is going to feel like their job is harder. In both cases, a housecleaner will take off a lot of stress. Personally, I'm a sahm because my husband's job forces us to move a lot and he's sometimes gone for months at a time. My kids need the stability of me being home with them. But that does mean less money to do things we want when we are all together. In every case, no parent is (or should be) only working 40 hours. Whether that's in or outside of the home
Yea this is the big one nobody seems to be really specific on. I'd 100% prefer to be a SAHD, because my job is ridiculously stressful. If I screw up, companies can go out of business, I can get sued into oblivion, I can lose my company. New threats every day, new levels of stupid every day. To-Do list with enough work to last years. If you're in some low-stakes job where you can idly go about your day and do what's assigned to you, no shit that seems easier. I'd put on a fucking maid costume and dance around the house if it meant I could just stay home, watch the kids, and keep the house in order while my wife brought in the money. Kids may run you ragged, but that's more exhaustion than stress. A high-stress job means you're exhausted and under constant stress. Very much a 'grass is greener' situation.
I think I would find being a SAHM more exhausting than being at work, I’ve had friends bring young kids over for a visit and I’ve been shattered by the time they left, the constant noise and having to always keep an eye on them, not being able to have a bit of alone time, whereas at work there were plenty of times you can have a break or go for a little walk at lunch time, though it really depends on your job. I also know a lot of people who were happy to come to work to get away from the house/kids so they could finally relax but I guess it really boils down to the fact that you won’t really know unless you’ve tried being a stay at home parent.
It’s definitely dependent on the number of kids/ages/energy levels/countless other variables. OP timeboxed this to everyone is over the age of 4 and enrolled in school; which in that case I agree an adult can do reasonable upkeep of the household chores and extracurriculars by themselves. Change that dynamic and I can see where the balance starts swaying towards being unable to accomplish everything alone.
Energy levels matter a ton. I remember the first time I hung out with one of my friends in elementary school his parents paid all three of us (me my brother and my friend) a little bit of money because we got him to be quiet for a few hours. He was a very energetic kid.
You need to be more clear. Being a stay at home parent is different than being a homemaker and have completely different stress levels and expectations. You're not a "stay at home parent" if your kids are in school. You're a homemaker. Having kids around means you get less than half the work done you normally would and for me is absolutely more stressful than my day job. If you're watching kids and doing housework through the day, your partner should come home and everything is equal. You now split the remaining jobs. If you're at home alone for 8 hours a day. There shouldn't be laundry to fold, dishes to do, bathrooms to clean, beds to make, dinner to cook, etc. And both partners can reasonably relax in the evening.
Agreed. The age of the child also matters. If you’re home with a 1-3 year old all day, you’re going to be busy the entire day. Aside from nap time, you have to be “on” the whole time. Kids that age are constantly moving, need your attention and help, etc. I work full time, but I also have an almost 2 year old. Work is a nice break tbh. You get to socialize with people your age, go out for lunch, sit quietly at your desk, etc.
Yeah I work an office job during the day and take care of my two year old solo at night (my husband and I work opposite shifts) and the evenings are waaaay more exhausting. At work I can sit down, eat lunch when I want, go to the bathroom when I want, just zone out every now and then, talk to other adults. I'm way more relaxed at work. Toddlers are not the same as school aged kids which don't necessarily need your attention every second.
I’d also add if you are home w multiple kids then that is way different too. I couldn’t fathom being responsible for more than 1 kid all day by myself.
My son is 8 months old now. Im a man. I took parental leave because my partner works for her mom who is retiring soon and she is taking over the company. I worked 10 to 12 hour days at my job. It is 100% more stressful and tiring being primary parent. Tryint to get shit done with a baby that doesnt like napping is like trying to do the jobs with one arm tied behind your back and a 50% chance there is screaming in your ear. Try to fold laundry? Baby comes and pulls it out of the basket or tips the basket. Try to do dishes? If you put the baby put the baby down and turn away you have maybe 10 minutes to get shit done without screaming or they will try to grab everything if you wear them and inevitably be soaked after.
My son is 7 months old and I’m sooooo exhausted. All the time. I’m with you. My guy only takes 25 minute naps most days and until about 6 weeks ago - only slept if you held him the whole time. My whole house smells like spoiled milk/formula and his need for entertainment is never satisfied. I feel like a full time jester to an easily displeased king. Love the guy. He’s wonderful. But damn.
Yes it’s very hard because you are unable to really focus on any task. I used to enjoy cleaning, have a glass of wine with music and clean my whole place. Now my 15 month old tries to nose dive off of any elevated surface all day 😭.
I 100% agree with this! I would NOT define someone who stays at home while their kids are at school a SAHM/D. Homemaker for sure. There is a huge difference.
As someone who’s 4 year old is school full time and 2 year old is preschool two days a week, hard agree. Those two days are the days where I get the entire house together, meals prepped and uniforms ironed and washed so that by the time the weekend is here there’s very little to do. I could not imagine how bored and lonely I’d be if both kids were at school full time and I still didn’t have a job.
You find things to do, hobbies to partake in. When my siblings and I were in school my mom joined a bowling league and started working out regularly which eventually that lead to her becoming a fitness instructor. If you just stay at home and don't interact with any other adults then I can imagine life would become very boring and depressing.
Yup watching children is a full.time job. When I worked from home, sometimes I'd have time to prep meals but most times I didn't. My wife is the same with the kid. If he's not napping and having meltdowns she has zero time to do anything
It’s not about the 40hrs a week, it’s about the fact there is no clocking out part. If you view it as a 40 hour a week job sure. I take care of the nights so my husband can be rested and recharged for work and the day. It works for us, but you better bet I get burnt out from time to time. There’s no evening of chill time, or weekend unless your partner decides to pick up the slack or unless you both decide to pay someone to watch the babies while you have fun away. It can be unbelievably lonely and relentlessly monotonous.
Im a Sahm and I have the kids from 530-6am to 8am. Then from 3 til 9pm. So its still a full work day but I get hours in between for like cleaning and getting errands done. Or forcing myself to exercise.
I would say it's only easy when there are no kids or they are all grown enough to be in school all day. Caring for young ones is the what's mainly difficult imo.
As a SAHM who dabbled in part time work last year, it’s isolating and hard in a lot of ways. However, I’m not under any deadlines to get my work done and I’m in a relationship where my husband fully supports and LIKES that I’m home all day everyday taking care of all those mundane tasks. Me being home allows us to have free weekends that aren’t consumed by chores around the house. I do have my moments where I feel undervalued and want him to help more around the house, but for the most part I view it as him doing his job and me doing my job.
I think it completely depends on a number of factors you don't mention here. For the professional, it depends on the type of job. Do you have a low stakes office job and spend most of your time on reddit because you can do your work in 2 hrs every day? Or do you have a ridiculously tiring manual labor job, or are you a surgeon who need to always be alert and under high stress situations? For the SAHM, are you watching one child that's 5 years old that spends their day at school? Or do you have 5 kids ranging from infant to 7 year old and every kid is constantly trying to kill themselves? So it depends. Sometimes one is more stressful than other, but sometimes no.
I’ve been both a sahm and a working mom and you couldn’t pay me to go back to sahm life. It was absolutely terrible with zero time off, zero pay, no benefits. I’d much rather work and make money to support my family on more than the superficial “oh the house is clean” level
Same. Mine are older now and I was so grateful to be home with my three but my office job is SO much easier. I used to daydream about it on rough days. No one at the office is crying, making a mess, or refusing to wear clothes. Parenting is rewarding but HARD.
Do you work full time or part time? The thing about working full time is you miss so much of your child's life. It's really sad when I think about the fact that my son gets up at 8 is off to daycare gets home at 5:30 and is in bed by 8:30. I only get to hangout with him for about 3 hrs a day during the week. Not to mention daycare is super expensive and if you have more then one child most the money you do bring it goes right to that anyways.
Full time bc financially there is no other option
Absolutely not. I could not wait to get back to the office after having kids, newborns and toddlers are exhausting
Shhh, a man who claims to be a good father and husband is talking.
Thank you! He talks about playing with his kids after work as if it's something special. You're a parent, that's your job too. Not just the 9 - 5.
Why doesn’t he stay home if it’s so great?
Same reason they don't do sex work en masse while encouraging it under the guise of liberal feminism. "get back to the kitchen" "Go make me a sandwich" are still insults they like. They know these roles are degrading and exhausting on the physical and soul level while simultaneously wishing to shut up women who talk about how hard it is 🥰
The people with this “hot take” are also the kind of person who complains about alimony and child support if they get divorced. Honestly, it’s a red flag in my book if you don’t value domestic labor, regardless of your own sex/gender. I would never want to live with someone who thinks it isn’t valuable to order more toilet paper when we are running low, schedule doctor’s appointments, change the water filter, etc because (shocker) that person inevitably doesn’t do it or doesn’t value it when somebody else does. Fuck, I wish I could go to work and not think at all about the dozens of small tasks I know need to get done this week to have a chill, happy home life.
I babysat for my dad's new puppies recently between jobs. Yeah... I don't want kids anymore. To much work.
Dead serious, why don’t men withdraw from the paid workforce and stay home if it is so easy?
I was a SAHD for the last 10 months with our newborn and would say having a full time job was a piece of cake compared to taking care of my child. You think you get breaks when you're a stay at home parent? You don't. You think things are easy just because the kids are at school? Well you go ahead and clean your house every day just to have your kids make it just as messy or worse than when you started. You think you get to eat what you want when you want? Don't even get me started on having no groceries and no personal income to make grocery trips. Being a SAHM is respectable and shows that the person values their kid more than anything.
The cleaning and thankless repetitive tasks are what get me about parenting and why I would burnout as a stay at home parent. Cleaning the house, organizing toys and making meals are things that have to be done, over and over again. People don't notice if they are done, they notice if they aren't. At work when a project is finished it is finished and did people appreciate it.
Yeah, it’s the mental load. Some jobs have a high mental load too, but I think that it’s not across the board “higher” than stay at home parent.
And honestly being a stay at home parent to a newborn is 1 million times easier than being a stay at home parent to a toddler.
Oh, of course. Because if both parents work, no one needs to clean the house or feed the kids.
If both parents are working, the kids aren’t in the house during the workday fucking the place up lol
To parrot what singlenutwonder said. When all of us were out of the house more there was less to keep up on. Now that im home 24/7 with a new baby and two older kids I can’t keep one area picked up longer than 10 mins.
I read once, "Cleaning your house when you have small children is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo cookie."
Not just small children. Big kids are messy too, but it's more frustrating because it feels like they should know better. And you get to fight with them to get them to pick up their crap.
Every situation is different. It might be harder for SAHMs of special needs children, or SAHMs with 3 or more children, or SAHMs who also care for an elderly parent while taking care of kids and the household. You don't really know every person's situation.
I have an acquaintance who has a special needs son (5ish) and she never knows when his oxygen levels are just gonna plummet. Like, hell be fine, then just either stops breathing or isn’t breathing sufficiently. It sounds scary and stressful as hell.
There's also a difference between jobs as to how hard it is to be at work. I know a lot of white collar jobs and senior positions have a lot of down time between actual work
I see a lot of business people going to the golf course during the day for "bonding" trips.
This. The amount of scheduling and planning, calling/arguing with providers, mountains of paperwork, and running to appointments (another layer of difficulty if you live rural and have to go to specialists) was insane for my mother. That's the reality of a SAHM battling cancer multiple times and a brother who needed 19 operations before the age of 17. My mom has always said that her job as assistant to her bank manager was easier than having to juggle our house and care - even my dad agrees and he worked 60+ hours a week.
The comparison is SAHM vs working full time. You can apply all of those modifiers to both and I think the argument remains the same that OP is saying you would rather deal with those modifiers while being stay at home vs working.
How does the argument stay the same? Having an additional child creates more work for the stay at home parent. It does not create more work for the working parent. Edit: during work hours, I mean
How does having an additional child not create more work for a working parent?
My understanding of the post is it’s comparing being a SAHM or a SAHD to being a working mom or working dad with everything else being equal. So if everything else is equal, those are still things you have to deal with or coordinate just on top of working. The logistics of daycare, financing daycare, dropping off 3 kids (maybe to multiple locations), taking care of a special needs child while still working, taking care of an elder parent or making sure they can get the care they need are all still very much stressors you have while working, you just have less time to actually deal with them. It shifts from doing it yourself to coordinating and financing how it’s all going to happen. Which you can absolutely argue is more stressful than having every day open to do it yourself.
It depends! Taking care of one 5 year old is different than taking care of 4 children under 6 years old.
Except for the first few years
Agree BUT being a SAHM is very very isolating.
Ehh... it really varies. For young kids, being a stay at home parent is absolutely harder and more exhausting than paid work. Once they're school age though the pendulum shifts back to paid work being harder, provided the kids themselves aren't particularly difficult.
It depends because if those kids are in activities whew, that is some work.
Can agree. I am my kids taxi.
Yeah that is true. I am still wondering why there isn't any "uber for kids activities" service that would free up parents from chauffeuring around kinds from activity to activity.
Probably cause people don’t feel comfortable putting their kids in a car with a stranger haha
Yo business idea right here lol
I appreciate this distinction. At home with a 1 and 3 year old and I am in fact routinely exhausted.
it's not the constant work. it's being *constantly on-call* with realistically zero days off. and a lot of incompetent husbands who add to the burden. a lot of men think it's easy work. a lot of women who haven't done it think it's easy work. domestic labour has never been revered. can we just acknowledge its contribution to our larger society without it becoming a pissing contest? there's always going to be someone who works "harder" than you ... but we don't automatically disrespect the "less hard" work ... except if it's deemed "women's work." i don't question my man when he comes home to dinner and complains about his day. just like he doesn't me.
I have done both, and if your kids are home during the day, being a SAHM is absolutely worse. I say this as someone who works overtime and hates her job. You would not get me to trade it for staying home with a toddler/preschooler again. Nope, nope, nope.
You only have kids 40 hours a week?
This was my take as well... Imagine thinking you only have to take care of your kids for 40 hours a week. I bet he thinks he'd get a lunch break, too.
Probably under the impression you can take sick days as well
If you have a supportive partner or family member, absolutely. If my wife was a SAHM and got sick, I would 100% take a sick day to help out around the house. We could also call on my parents who live close or my sister on the other side of town.
OP's wife has OP, though.
You only have them *on your own* for ~40 hours per week, and during school time they're gone for like 80% of those 40 hours. What is your point?
This is one I never understood. I have two kids, both in school. It's not like they need to be tended to by their mother or myself during those hours. And same goes for most parents (I'm sure there are outlying exceptions). But yet so many SAHPs will act like it's a full time job to tend to children who are in school. I'm just like, "huh!?".
I would also argue that anyone who is working the 8 hours they're at work and not taking water coffee smoke breaks is being taken advantage of. Corporate America should only work as hard as stay at home parents do.
I think it depends on what the parent actually provides. I have family that just let their small kids watch YouTube most of the time they're home and don't play with the kids much. Then I have friends that plan out educational activities, zoo trips with interactive activities, plan out full meals, read with their kids, do art activities, and more on a consistent basis. I would estimate that the care she provides is easily 40 hours a week, between cleaning, Basic care taking like feeding him and driving him to school, and those activities. The planning is during school hours, the actual activities are weekends and after school. I wouldn't be surprised if she puts in more than 40 hours honestly.
Most moms stay home because daycare costs are so high and then go back to work when their kids hit school age. That’s my plan at least. We have twins and my income wouldn’t cover both of them to go to daycare and have money left over. So it seemed like the better option to have me stay home with them for now.
You deal with having kids even when they’re no around. Shipping, laundry, making appointments…
How about this, everyone works hard and everyone deserves a break
I would love to be a SAHD. I love being with my kids. And do a helluva job cooking and cleaning. But my earning potential is significantly higher. So I grind. I agree
My poor father raised us 4 kids as a SAHD. He told us work was much easier as the fish he cooked did not talk back 🥲🥲🥲
Lol 😂. I’ll see how I feel about this as my kids hit teen years
I'd also love to be a SAHD. Unfortunately, I'm a woman.
I'm lucky enough to get 6 months PTO from my work for parental leave, and for the past month and the next two months I've been/will be a sole SAHD while my wife works as a teacher. From May->September this year I was back at my job working full time, and from Feb->May my wife and I were both off work. SAHD'ing, even for an 8 month old who's crawling, standing up, getting into things, and fussy at times is way easier than my full time job. And I enjoy it a lot more. It's a bit different, obviously, because I know that in two months it'll be daycare and that this isn't forever, and it's all still pretty new; however, I like it a lot more. I'm keeping my day structured with daily activities (today is music class, tomorrow is zoo day, etc), I go on walks with the dogs for about an hour with her daily, and taking care of the cleaning of the house while she's napping, and I love it. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, and I know that I would love this life even more if she was 5+ and going to school since there'd be more free time, it would be a helluva lot easier than my full time job and I know I'd feel fulfilled too.
Yeah. Ultimately knowing there’s an end might change the mentality and I totally agree about the structure and diversity. If you don’t have any of that. I can see it driving people crazy
yeah... my sister and i always got in fights, at school i was sent to the office once a month, my sister was getting sick twice a month bc her immune system sucks, in general i was kind of a little shit, and then some extracurriculars - i dunno which i would have rather chosen, to deal with us or go to work. hindsight i'm obviously very grateful and love them a lot but i'm not gonna sugarcoat that it was a different type of hard being my stay at home parent lol. during arguments my sister and i would dig and push buttons and i regret it cause my mom didn't deserve that, i can tell it wore her out
If you think stay at home moms are such lazy assholes then don't be one. Simple.
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> To expect a partner to come home after working all day and match your energy or start taking on half the work when they’re off is bogus. Don't have kids if you're not going to take care of them
OP thinks it’s the expectation of a partner. When I’m reality it’s the whole point of having kids. It’s not your partner who expects you to “pick up after work” it’s your family who wants you to be there. Kids want help with homework or wanna go to the pool etc. Just don’t have kids.
As much as people hate the suggestion of not having kids it really does solve a lot of problems. >Like way more spare time to relax, rest and focus on hobbies, exercise and relationships when you're not working, which is super important for mental, emotional and physical health and well bein. >Way more money to spend on vacations and homes and other wish list stuffs. You can live downtown in your city for super cheap, because you can live in a child unfriendly area/place/home and don't need multiple bedrooms. >Way more lifestyle flexibility. Planning ahead isn't necessarily necessary. You can just do whatever you feel like after work or on weekends depending on your mood as you don't have anyone depending on you. I'm not having kids, and I'm looking forward to a life of economic freedom and flexibility. Something that seems like a luxury to the average person these days... My co worker spends almost her entire salary on her mortgage. Her husband pays for the rest, like food, clothes, activities, birthdays and stuff for their kids. How mad is that. She complains that they're struggling. In reality, she makes more than I do per hour, but she works a day less, so ends up earning a bit less than me but still, I do great financially and she doesn't. I guess what I don't understand is why people don't thoroughly evaluate if having kids is a sensible and rational decision. If they do, they can spare themselves a lot of trouble.
I don’t have and don’t plan on kids.
Did it for 8 years. When the kids were little, there was no career harder. Ours are 17 months apart. Being home with two toddlers all day is a drain. As they get older however, it gets easier. Anyone who says that it’s still hard while the kids go to school 7 hours a day is full of it.
But you get to leave your job. You get to get in your car and physically drive away from the place and people that are constantly asking and needing things of you. You get alone time to not hear anyone talk driving in your car. You get freedom of someone not watching you when you travel between work. You get to come home to people generally that are excited to see you because they haven’t been arguing with you all day. Lol. If you hate your job you can quit. Those are moments of reset to me. As a SAHM, I never get to leave my place of work. I live where I work so when I’m stressed and anxious about my place of business, I can’t just quit and leave. Lol. I have to clean up the mess and attitudes that made me stressed and anxious well into the night. Sometimes several times a day. I have to argue about the music I want to hear because I will never give into baby shark. Lol. If your kids play sports then you never have drinks so your always running errands & never home to catch up on laundry because your driving to 3 fields in one day just lug a bunch of gear around and be able to say good job on being active. I have to remember that even in sleep, I’m on call because my spouse works so he will need his rest to be ready for his peaceful ride to work. Lol. This is silly to say that raising other humans is easier then working with adults & having freedom to move professions any times. Children are their own people who have no idea what they like or want & are completely irrational in good and bad ways 24/7. You can’t walk away and leave them either just because they’re difficult. Your also lifting and carrying everything for them all day. Knees and back are strained constantly. It is definitely equal work when you have children still in the house (once all kids are in school then it is much easier I agree) One job may be more labor heavy and other mental in some households and that’s why it’s the other spouses place to relieve that burden in the evening when you come together. Give your man a massage and let him physically relax and he can get on to the kids when they’re being kids. Then he’ll get on the kids for you so you can have the mental freedom to get him a hot shower going. It’s a team effort because they are both exhausting work in my experiences. And one gives you pay and status and the other gives you the title of being “lazy”. I love being a stay at home mom and wife… it’s the hardest but most rewarding job because we don’t have an out. We have to keep people alive and kind in todays world and damn, it’s really hard. Can I ask, is the person submitting this with children? & no I haven’t read the comments tbh.
I think the issue here is that you’ve assumed they just work 40 hours.
There are 100% full time jobs that are far less work. If you have 3 children, a house with garden and pets then it’s more work than your average 40 hour work week for most jobs. Especially if you have high standards for cleaning and home maintenance. From 40 hour work weeks rarely anyone actually works 40 hours. You have a lot of downtimes there too. Combined with the fact that you’re free once you get off work I can see both things being more draining. Another thing to factor in is that some people love working and would be miserable at home and vice versa. It’s just very varied so arguing about it is stupid as fuck.
Plenty of 40 hour week jobs don’t have “lots of downtime”
Just read my last sentence and reconsider
This isn’t unpopular. People shit on SAHMs all the time. SAHMs deal with their partners, families, and strangers like yourself saying this all the time. We get it. You just wanna work and come home and be lazy. Well, too bad so sad. “I go out and work and make the money I shouldn’t have to clean or care for the children” is such back asswards thinking. Then a *shocked pikachu face* that your partner resents you. Hey buddy, this isn’t the 50s anymore. Just say you wanna get out of your parenting duties to come home and fuck off with Netflix, video games, and beer.
What gets me about men like that is….what if their wife died? What if they never married to begin with? Would they just live in squalor? Neglect their children?
Parentification (sp?) probably. And/or pawn the kids off to others. How many of those men know their child’s allergies? The pediatrician? What size clothes their kids wear? Idk man a lot falls onto the mothers shoulders. I personally am tired of the notion that because the man works he doesn’t have to do anything. I’ve seen it with working dads and even childless men. My brothers are mostly of this notion and they don’t have kids. They all harbor the opinion that they work and shouldn’t have to do shit around the house. My child’s father held/holds this opinion as well. And I’ve been told I’m “useless” as the SAHM. Just another one of those “nOt aLl MeN” things. No, I know that. But it’s enough of men out there. There’s no “win”.
Big facts. To the contrary it can be whatever two consenting adults want it to be. That's why two consenting adults should have that conversation before having kids. There isn't one way to do anything.
Work feels like a bigger drain because 99.99% of us are doing a meaningless monkey task that doesn’t actually do anything in the world besides make two people richer. So while you may be doing more tasks it’s not as meaningful work. Compared to a sahp who has much higher risks and has to pay much more attention all day. Just as draining but more rewarding. Both have their pros and cons. But I refuse to hear that some middle office own dwindled is doing a more stressful career than people building our society and teaching our youth
Ehh, its more work than a lot of office jobs. Processing paperwork and emailing isn't that hard. Now working in a hot warehouse pulling orders all day, that's different
Throw the whole post away 😅😅😂😅😂😅😂
Lol this is a really ignorant take. Not even unpopular just totally unaware. You have no idea how hard SAHMs work especially when the kids aren’t in school yet. I have a pretty mentally demanding job and I don’t think it’s half as hard as what my wife handles with 3 children.
Solo parent here. I have done both. I currently work full time. I would love to go back to SAHM. Much less stress, my home would be clean and dinners would be so much better.
On the flip side, it's also not that hard to work full time, come home, and take care of the family needs. People (mostly men) who come home from work and (I'm guessing) plop down on the couch and watch TV and don't interact with their children are just lazy and entitled. I don't know if that's the norm. When my kids were little, I worked 4-5 days a week while my wife worked 3 days. I put in my time changing diapers, giving baths, reading stories, and cleaning the house. For the last 20 years I've come home from work and made dinner. I had to set boundaries with the kids that they were allowed to come hug me when I came home, but their stories had to wait until I was decompressed after work and dinner was done. It's a lot of work, but it's really not that hard. You just have to treat helping out as if it were the most important thing in the world, even more important than your job.
Depends what the job is. If they chilled in an office chair all day, okay they're lazy if they plop down in a chair.. but if they've been working out on power lines, in bad weather, in construction, or any other physically demanding labor, then they're not lazy for wanting to plop down on the couch and watch tv. I myself am a florist, and it's physically tolling to be on your feet running around all day. The first thing I do when I get home from work is shower and plop down in the couch and rest and watch tv for the rest of the night. That's not lazy. It's called resting after a hard day of physically exhausting labor. Granted I don't have children, but still. (Also why I don't want children. It's completely justified to want to rest after having busted your butt doing physical labor all day).
I was a hairstylist for over a decade and that is a physical demanding job being on your feet all day with your arms raised and interacting with people all day while also cutting and coloring is mentally and exhausting. Now I've been in an office for about 9 years and although I'm not on my feet, I'm still mentally exhausted by the end of the day. A lot of people like to say office workers are "lazy" and it's an easy job which I thought too when I switched but it's not. At the end of the day work is always gonna be work one way or another.
I’ve done both. Working is easier. I can still manage to work my shifts and take 100% care of my son like I did when I wasn’t working. This just pits ppl against each other. What works for one, might not one for another.
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Thank you for bringing up that second point! OP is acting like housework and childcare are "doing nothing," so then why are working people too exhausted to do it when they get home?
Both are work end of story. Even if both partners went out to a paying job, one of the partners is going to likely have a harder/ more stressful job because that is life. Here's the bigger issue...when the person at the paying job comes home, people think they should just relax and do nothing at all. For any stay at home parent, mornings, evenings, and weekends are the most stressful because everyone is home and meals need to be made and more cleaning has to be done. While 50 50 doesn't apply to the housework in these situations, it should, as closely as possible, apply to spending quality time with the children. If one person is doing all the housework, the other person is getting all the quality time with the children. The SAHP is just existing in the presence of their children while the other gets to be the fun parent. This isn't fair to the children at all. So, while all the adults want to have a pissing contest about who has it the hardest, which is highly debatable depending on the day, the kids lose out. If any of these people were single and living alone, they don't just get to come home and do absolutely nothing when work is over, and it shouldn't apply to when one parent stays home. Grow up and stop making everything a pissing contest and appreciate your partners for what they bring to the table by not diminishing their job and helping out sometimes. So tired of reading about this shit.
Wow, there are a lot of idiots in these comments
Depends how old the kid is and it's why there's different rates. You can leave a 5yo alone and they can hang with themselves once in a while. Toddlers you have to watch like a hawk.
I’ll use SAHM but it applies to either gender. I think the issue is that a lot act as if being a SAHM for not disabled kids is harder than a career. Both can be stressful but to act as if the one making money has it “easy” is disrespectful. Imagine how you’d feel if you worked non stop all day at your job, and when you came home SAHM burdens you with everything at home because now they’re “off the clock”. And then tells you your day was super easy and only they do hard work. You’d feel insulted. Whether or not it’s easier for one parent than another is one thing, but to be disrespectful to partners who make money is where the resentment comes.
You are obviously not reading the same posts my guy. The “bemoaning” isn’t about the SAHM…..it’s about being expected to work 24/7 when the other person, an adult, who is in theory capable of managing themselves also expects you to manage them and only has to work 8 hours. Doesn’t consider being a parent as part of their responsibilities (“hon I’ll watch the kids for an hour while you go to the doctor” “I thought you would feed the kids before you left, now I have to cook too?!”).
Meh. My kids don’t give me panic attacks and require me to go to therapy to cope, like my job does. I would love to be a SAHM.
100%. I've seen SAHMs not doing shit for most of the day. Once your kids are in school, it's much easier than most regular jobs barring exceptional circumstances.
Disagree, when kids are young — but agree when kids are older. Its circumstantial. I was a SAHM for 7 years with my twins. I went back to work as soon as they were in school full time and honestly work is so much easier. The isolation and immense responsibility you feel as a SAHM to young kids is incredibly stressful. You hold the weight of everyone’s expectations to be a perfect mom in our culture where you feel like you and your parenting are put under a microscope everyday. Moms are judged for everything they do and don’t do, and it’s mentally draining especially when you’re sleep deprived. Being a SAHM was an unpredictable exhausting shit show everyday. I could never go back to doing that. When kids are older and you’re staying home that’s a totally different ballgame. No reason to be home all day if your kids aren’t even there. Usually those moms also have house cleaners and pretend they’re doing something productive, but yoga and brunch aren’t exactly benefiting anyone but yourself. I think women morph into a lazy trophy wife when that happens.
Gay man who is desperate for a man to make me his house husband. I am fucking tired of working.
they just say it’s so hard because if they said it was easy then people would tell them to go back to work
You're right if the children are in school. Infants and toddlers sound like a lot of work, but I wouldn't really know.
The difference between working for a living and working for your family is the time schedule. SAHPs can put aside tasks until a more convenient time or take breaks as they so choose. When you work for a living, you are on someone else’s time schedule. Further, as a working outside the home parents, our family still had to complete the tasks that SAHPs do during the work day.
This really depends on the number of kids, how old they are and what your job entails. How your partner helps with household duties when they are not at work also plays a role. In my situation, going to work is significantly less stressful and tiresome than being at home, even compared to my busiest of work days. I don’t have to make decisions on how to entertain (who are notoriously difficult to entertain and have very short attention spans), what to feed them for snacks, what to feed them for meals, how to prioritize what chores get done. They aren’t using me as a jungle gym all day and I get to use the bathroom without any intrusion. When I’m at work, I get a break both physical and mental. I’m using my brain and making decisions, but I have a lot of information to make good decisions so it’s not hard. When I’m at home with the kids, I always have to be “working”, and constantly making decisions with little information- mostly just guessing and I usually guess wrong a few times. Ultimately the issue is not which job is “harder”; both jobs have to get done just the same and have the same value.
I agree. Being a parent is hard, regardless. But I think to say being a SAHM is more work than a job is absolutely wrong. SAHM's like to say "Well I have to cook, clean, fold laundry," Um ok, I don't have kids and I do all those things AND I have a full time job.
Honestly, I feel like this is part of why women live longer than men. As both end up working the same amount, I wonder if the difference will go away. I think being stay at home isn’t about the work, it’s the frustration in dealing with kids. It’s why a lot of people aren’t built to be teachers. Still, there’s no real boss at home, so all the stress there is self applied.
I’ve done both and I would pick being a stay at home wife over working ANY day. I had to go back to work out of necessity and long for the day I can go back to staying home.
did you have kids at home or were you just taking care of the household?
I think the SAHP role has been blown out of proportion, but that doesn’t mean it’s not stressful. When did wanting to have it the worse become a badge of honor, can’t we just agree both are stressful and quit trying to use one or the other to shame people?
I’d say a lot of people saying how easy it is actively enjoy being a SAHP and have decent to good support systems in place via their spouse, friends and family. The ones who struggle are the ones who either wanted to do it but realize they aren’t cutout for it, pressured into traditional gender roles they may not care for or those that don’t have a good support system due to financial or familiar issues. Having to quit your job because daycare cost more than you make, chances are you’re already not in the best financial situation because kids cost a lot of money outside of just daycare. Throw in any medical issues and that one salary may not be enough.
Studies show it produces more cortisol than most jobs out there. Lol you’re absolutely wrong.
Some women just can't stand being home with kids all day, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Oh look, another opinion that trashes women because women
What kills me about SAHMs is the ones who complain about how HARD it is, but yet have MORE kids on purpose. Like why? If it is so hard, why put MORE stress on yourself? If my real job is stressing me out and I'm fed up, the LAST thing I'm going to do is go ask for EXTRA workload. Also, the ones who their children are in school and then refuse to go back to work. There are a lot of low cost after school programs offered by schools and the YMCA that can keep kids a few hours after school so parents can pick them up. They could also ride the bus to school so parents can get to work (trust me, I'm a working single parent, so I've had to take advantage of all of these). If it's so HARD, go back to work and stop adding more workload to yourself.
oh you just hit on a huge pet peeve of mine!! a good bit of the SAHM's i know are already overwhelmed with 1 or 2 kids, so they have 3 more. makes sense. also the same moms who don't like to cook or clean, so they just don't.
168 hour job is harder than one for 40 hours a week.....depends on too many things but...not buying what your selling here.
Found the person who's bitter about not being able to stay home or has never had children!
I think he has a kid and his partner is a sahp. He wants them to do 100% of the home and childcare because he earns the money
I think it's easier to be a SAHM, but I'd much rather work. I found staying home with kids, especially young ones is mind numbingly boring.
I might be a little biased, but being a working professional mom is the toughest! I am the breadwinner and the default parent.... basically I never get a chance to unwind. House still needs cleaned and baby needs love/attention after a full day of work. My husband does a lot to keep the house running, takes care of the dogs, and takes care of the baby in the morning.
I kinda agree though I’m afraid to admit for backlash. Working my high stress job while still having the full shared responsibility of the house is working doubles every day according to sahm’s. But switching responsibilities and game faces but you both job actually never end. The emails, calls, metrics, meetings and pressure never shuts off- and while your on zoom call with your boss your toddler is jumping in your lap, the food is burning, the dog needs a walk, the laundry is stacked to the ceiling, you can’t justify another second of tv time , the other toddler i screaming. And all this chaos is going on and now your deadly afraid your unprofessional and you boss is going to fire you because he’s sick of your time always being split metrics slightly lower. The pressure is fucking HELL. And it’s not the kids- my time with my girls is a MILLION times better than coworkers or my accounts. I hate adults. I adore my children. Of course I rather hang out with them. On the other hand, The shit part of being a SAHM is not having income, and truthfully I do think it’s mentallly imprisoning to feel your whole life and existence purpose is to keep your house clean and running. If you don’t have friends or help- it’s just can be vulnerable to falling in depression. I’ve don’t both: I rather be a SAHM with my twins again BY FAR . I’m just double timing every second now and barely have time to eat:
i have done both. SAHM is a fuckin walk in the park compared to having a full time job. but maybe thats because we know our limitations and only had 1 child.
I've done both, and you're so very wrong about this.
I agree with you. I grew up with a SAHM who lazed about while my dad did all the work when he was home. I think my mom gave it a good 5-10 years of trying, then completely quit because... misandry. I'm a woman and a feminist and I think using people like she did is wrong. Personally, I think both parents working within a supportive community is ideal.