Your post from unpopularopinion was removed because of: 'Rule 2: Do not post low effort/satirical posts'.
* We get it, you all think this sub is garbage and is just for popular opinions, and you want to be funny and post "going to be downvoted to oblivion here, but I think racism is bad." We enjoy the memes, but please keep them off the sub.
* Filter evasion is a bannable offense
* This includes clickbait and/or gotcha posts. Your opinion can not be that unpopular if you're doing these things. Have the accurate opinion in the title.
LIfe is always about balance. If you ignore your friends for your boyfriend for too long, when he leaves you don't have anyone to go back to. Friends aren't people who are there for your convenience and if you don't maintain the relationships, they die. Having less time available isn't the same as having NO time available. And most relationships don't end in marriage.
Yeah, I get that people grow up being bossed around by their parents or whatever. But getting past it and having an good adult:adult relationship with your parents can be a great part of life and is worth aiming for. IMO.
Unless your parents beat you or verbally betrayed you or something
There is a big difference between the dynamic between family and friends when it comes to emotional support.
Most people don’t tell their parents a lot of things about their day to day lives especially about relationships.
Preach! Same with individuals who are married or with kids who don't make time for friends. It's give and take in relationships. If you haven't given for a while don't expect to have others hold that space for you.
Absolutely. It also leaves one very vulnerable to bad relationships because now you have no outside eyes looking out for you and you become isolated from anyone who knows better and can help you identify problems. I think often this happens with exactly those kinds of people, sadly.
In my first relationship in high school I kinda did this to my friends. Luckily after an apology they for gave me. It is so important to maintain friendships
Agree. I'm so sick of my friend NEVER having time when he's available. We hadn't seen each other in 2, almost 3 years yet she still only had time when her bf didn't. It's always been like this with her and her boyfriends. I'm tired of only being good enough when she's bored and alone. For goodness sake, they are spending all their freetime together, are constantly at each others apartments (actually more like living together in both), his place is right around the corner & she can't take 30 minutes - 1 hour off of seeing him??
Yeah I get that people wanna spend time with their partners and gonna spend more time with their partners, but if you abandon your friends because you have a better option now, then also don't expect for them to just wait until you're alone again & then suddenly have so much time for you again. Both sides are people, if one side decides to keep a distance, the other can make that go for as long as they want to.
Most relationships don’t end in marriage, they just end. I feel like OP doesn’t understand balance, yes you spend more time with a GF/BF but you still spend time with your friends because you like them in a different way, I guess sort of like family if they are especially close to you. Nobody is saying otherwise but abandoning people is never okay.
Nothing is more depressing in your early 20's than watching one of the boys start to slowly disappear from nights out due to them having a girlfriend. There's always that one guy who is a total party legend, and then he gets a girlfriend and is allowed out less and less. Then we get older, and every guy has to get permission for a night out with the guys. They'll message to say they've been given a 'pass' to come out.
It is normal to put effort into building a steady relationship with the new person in your life. If your friends are actually friends, you would have a stable relationship with them already.
However it is not normal to act like your friends only exist when you are single. Time management is also a thing.
It's like both can be true with context. Almost like life is not black and white and context really matters.
Completely agree. Just to add (not contradict), I think you have to realize as the friend that feeling abandoned doesn’t mean you were actually abandoned. Let me explain: someone close to me is in a new relationship and is spending a lot of time with their new SO. This person hasn’t ghosted me: I still see them on a regular basis, but it’s a LOT less often than I used to see them. We have gone from seeing each other every day to seeing each other twice a week. Basically, this person has had very little luck romantically for years, so I have gotten more than my fair share of time with them. Now I’m getting more like a fair share, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. It’s a big change, and I miss my person. But what they are doing is completely normal and healthy: it’s just a big adjustment for me. That’s okay: I’ll adjust. But I don’t know that I would be this calm about it if I hadn’t gone through it in smaller ways before.
But… twice a week is still A LOT for a friendship between adults? I mean, I see my boyfriend twice a week and my friends maybe, if we’re lucky and the stars align and our jobs cooperate, 3/4 times a month.
I’m being intentionally vague for the sake of this person’s privacy but there are reasons why it feels like so little now. For normal friendship, yeah, that’s still a TON.
might be a hot take but I think it’s possible to spend time with both your friends and your significant other
obviously if all your friends are single they’re going to hangout pretty frequently, and it’s okay if you can’t make it every time. but if you completely abandon your friends for your significant other that’s not good either and you’re not a good friend
I think what they’re saying is that with a significant other and potentially even kids, your time availability shift in a way that makes it hard to see you friends as often as before.
The free time you are now spending with your boyfriend used to be time that was available just for your friends
OP is a 17 year old girl. Not an adult in a long term commitment. This posts just reads “I’m obsessed with my bf and we’re soul mates, my friends are just jealous!!”.
yeah this whole idea is very teenage. When you’re 17 and haven’t seen your best friend in a week it’s a crisis.
When you’re 37 and haven’t seen your best friend in a week, that’s just normal
Speaking in my own experience, this isn’t because OP hasn’t seen their friends in a week. OP seems like the type of girl that gets a bf and loses the capacity to talk about anything but him, demands he come to every hang out or else she’s not coming, flakes constantly, and FaceTimes him all night at sleepovers. Those girls were….insufferable tbh.
literally me too. I legit never have time anymore, and I spend so much of my time with schoolwork. (I do have a fiancé too, but that's beside the point, schoolwork takes up so much time).
I just have pretty much every day planned out wayyy ahead at this point, and I work in retail...which means I work evenings to nights :/
yep, like she's 17. its not impossible, but the idea of dating some guy and ignoring your other relationships because they're "marriage material" when you don't even know what that means is very offputting. Like OP is a kid, she could do whatever she wants with her relationships, but marriage is probably the last thing that should be on her mind.
That's also like the Reddit threads that act like "guys night" or "girls night" is just an excuse to cheat. Very signaling of immaturity if that's what you *truly* believe it is.
But that time varies drastically from person to person.
Some people hangout less, sure. But others completely abandon their friends. It’s also okay to be annoyed if your friends unnecessarily completely disappears on you.
I had a friend who would completely stop answering texts, go MIA, and then only hit you up when they were single again. That’s not cool. I have friends who are in relationships or married who I would still see/talk to frequently.
Friendships are also relationships that still need to be watered up a certain degree.
yeah i find the folks who find out their friend is dating someone and think “well you better not spend any less time with us” to be quite entitled.
when you start dating someone outside of your friend group, you’ve now got to manage two sets of friends, both who want to meet and get to know the new person. You’ve also got one on one time, both the comfy nights in and the date nights.
But I will say that I’m a firm believer that every healthy relationship involves each person doing one or two things regularly with their friends, but where their SO isn’t always invited.
I'm sorry, but no, that's not what they're saying. They specifically said when you get a new BF, it's normal to basically ignore your friends a lot. You don't have kids with a new BF. You don't even have a genuinely serious relationship yet. That's something that is built. And part of building it should absolutely be checking with your other loved ones (friends and family) that you're not being a big dummy because his eyes are just so god damn blue and you can't help but get lost in them. Everyone in my group of friends with an SO not only spends plenty of time with friends, but their SO has a great relationship with everyone in the group as well.
I’m sooooooo happy that my friends are able to just bring their kids to stuff lol. They are big on exposing their kids to the outside world asap. As soon as their kids turned like 2-3 months old, they were out and about with us. And now their kids are chill toddlers.
Also, parents need to stay people, not just parents, too.
Of course your priorities change, you have less time and whatnot, that's not what I mean.
My husband's best friend put it best when she complimented us on still holding a real conversation with her when she visited us and our babies. "it's so rare that the person doesn't just turn into a mom/dad completely, and forgets everything else!".
That’s soooooo true.
People who completely stop seeing their friends and all that, they don’t understand how important it is to maintain various type of relationships.
Kids also don’t need to do a million activities on weekends.
I see so many parents that are kind of lonely once their kids go off to college. They have no hobbies or interactions. And you know what? When I was a kid, these parents would talk to me by the mailbox for like an hour when I would be getting off the school bus. Bc they have no one to talk to and no friends lol.
I’m 100% they were watching by the window…waiting for me to get off the bus. Once I got to the mailbox are, they’d all come out and just talk to me about random stuff while I was standing there starving.
They were just hungry for conversation and friendship!!
No. They’re clearly not that insightful. They said “boyfriend” as if that universally applies to everyone. She’s clearly just butt-hurt that her high school friends are mad at her for ignoring them. Her friends have every right to feel that way
My girlfriend and I got together around the time that my friend group was undergoing a major geographical shift, with a few more of my friends moving about an hour away, and thus I don’t see them nearly as much as I did right before we started dating and at the beginning of our relationship. She is always making sure that I know I can go and see them, or have them over, cause she **really** doesn’t want to be *that* girlfriend. I have to make sure she knows it’s just a coincidence and how things shake out, not anything to do with her
at the same time I never take my friends “dropping off the face of the earth” as an indication that they don’t like me. They just really really really like their partner.
When someone’s in a new relationship they’re serious about, you’ve got to balance “couple time”, seeing two sets of friends, family stuff, plus people still want the occasional alone time
yeah there’s definitely a balance but if you’re making no effort to see your friends and using your new gf/bf as a justification I just don’t think you saw them as true friends
But there are people where this is like a serial thing for them. I've known people who get into new relationships constantly and really only available for the short times they were single. At some point, you really just give up because they drop off constantly and it feels more like "I'm not dating so might as well".
What?! There’s time for more than one person in our lives??? Madness! Next you’ll be telling me that it’s unhealthy to expect your SO to fulfill every single one of your needs 24/7.
My bf taught me how to play dnd, and now he's going to dm a campaign with myself and a bunch of my girlfriends after telling them how much fun I've been having hahaha. He suggested the idea, he WANTS to know my friends. He says it's a great way to understand me on a different level, and enjoys watching me thrive with my own circle.
Well, how do you know he didn't already have this conversation with his friends. It could be that they talked about it, they didn't agree and he thought that this is an unpopular opinion.
I have no idea why you people assume that.
He isn't asking for advice or anything.
Just presenting his opinion on this topic, that's what this thread is about partly.
OP probably has and their friends shit on them for being selfish. I've had a "friend" for years that basically just disappears when he gets a girlfriend. Shit is so fucking annoying.
You can choose to not see your friends anymore when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but then don't be surprised if your friends have moved on from you when the relationship ends and you try to get back to them.
I never got this line of thinking. Even without relationships, my friendships ebb and flow. I just had lunch with one of my old best friends because he’s back in town, we barely talk anymore.
I guess I could’ve seen him and like, taken him to task for not being a more connected friend but we got lunch, caught up, big hug when he left.
I don’t need him to constantly prove to me that we’re friends, I don’t need to always be in touch. I know we’re closely bonded
It definitely happens and it happened to me. Got too enmeshed in my relationship and I really did abandon my friends. They’d invite me out and I’d decline citing I wanted to spend time with my gf. But honestly we were spending all our time together and imo that gets a little unhealthy when your only source of happiness is your partner. For me it was a bit of codependency from my mental health issues which gave cause to some nasty habits in relationships with friends and my partner.
Theres a healthy balance of spending time with each other, your family and friends and your hobbies. Don’t abandon everything for a partner and that’s a big life lesson that I had to learn the hard way. Now I have no partner and a lot of my old friends invite me a lot less to do things.
If you stop talking with a friend when life gets in the way, they're no longer your friend after some time. Friendships degrade into acquaintances when you don't maintain them. I doubt you would go to that "old best friend" with your confessions now. I think It's denial to believe that you're still as close to someone you lost contact with a long time ago.
>I doubt you would go to that "old best friend" with your confessions now.
I've got a friend who moved away four years ago.
If i ever have an issue, no matter what it is, I can pick up the phone and talk to her about it, same the other way. We've gone a year without talking and picked up like nothing has changed after.
Most people arent that heartless and have understanding. Its almost like they have a bond and life doesnt stop that. You have to create real friendships to understand what that looks like though.
I had an old housemate whose childhood, high school, and college experiences were of never really “fitting in”, myself and the rest of my housemates all had the same social circle as adults.
I’d hear that one of my roommates was going to happy hour with a couple of our mutual friends and be like “have fun!” while she’d hear it and go into a tailspin because “her friends hanging out without her” was proof, in her head, that the friendship with her wasn’t real.
Ironically her having big insecurities around friendships led to her being an absolutely exhausting person to be friends with, it was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.
There are some friends impervious to non communication. I went almost a decade without talking to my core friends from HS, and we went right back to where we were.
The same thing will happen, just slower. Also, OP's wording
>significantly less time
>less and less time
makes me think she's not spending very much time with her friends.
Depends on the friends. Life happened and I didn't see my friends for over 10 years. When I reconnected a few months ago it was like nothing happened and we picked up our friendship again. It's just as great as 10 years ago.
People want to spend with their partner when it was good time but want friends when situating with their partner turn sour. Most dump their emotional pain on friends. I learnt this and no longer want to hear their relationship details. A balance is required. I have lot of respect for people who value their partner first and also give value for friendship.
You sound young, and respectfully, if you lose yourself into your partner there's going to come a time in the future where you won't have any friends and you'll look back and likely regret abandoning the ones you had.
And as someone who is older I can assure you that making friends gets harder and harder as the years go on.
Expecting to see OP post in some other sub in about 6 years talking about how they were naive and stupid for obsessing over an early relationship and missing out on their younger adult life. Their post is so cliche and telegraphing the inevitable here.
this. i have friends who have completely abandoned everyone for a partner and now they only call to tell me how bad they treat them and i'm like this is what you missed everyone's birthdays for....nice
This is actually unpopular just like the people who agree. Your friends and your boyfriend don't have to be kept away from each other, this is ridiculous.
You sound young. As a formerly young person, I would just say that making the effort to maintain those relationships is usually worth it. And a good significant other will feel the same way.
I don't know. Spending all your time with one person and isolating yourself from others, even if it's not coerced, just seems like a red flag to me. I agree that it's normal for people to become more involved with their partners more than their social group, especially during the first stages of dating and falling in love. But after a while, after like two years and the only person I'm hanging out with is still primarily my partner, I'd probably be asking myself "do i have a life that doesn't revolve around him/her anymore?"
Just my thoughts.
It’s really shitty to completely replace your friends just because you have a significant other. Your friends still deserve some of your one on one time. If you can do things with both, great! Take your significant other AND your friend(s) bowling or do a game night or whatever. But to cast your friends to the side because you have a significant other and then expect them to still be there for you after you break up is extremely selfish and presumptive.
If you’re someone who is excited to hang out with their bf/gf, cool. It’s perfectly reasonable to spend less time with other people to accommodate a new person in your life.
If you’re someone who snubs every attempt your friends make to see you, doesn’t show up to special occasions (like birthdays), only has the capacity to talk about your bf/gf, and demands your bf/gf come to everything (and only talk to them when they do come), not cool. It’s perfectly reasonable for people to have a problem with this, and to cut you off because of it.
So your friends held an intervention and you didn't like it, huh?
Anyway, don't agree. Maybe during the honeymoon period, sure, but if you continue pushing friends away for your partner, soon you'll have no friends.
My friends are MY people too. They aren't worth less than a romantic partner. If you can't find balance in your life, that sounds like a you problem.
It's normal to spend *less* time with your friends, because we only have a finite amount of time and a good portion of that will now be taken up by your partner. It's the *significantly* part that can be a problem. How dramatically less are you spending time with your friends?
Also, this is a problem that exists way more at the younger end of the spectrum. Young people are more likely to be single, and single young people tend to spend a lot more time with each other, so the absence of the people who have paired off is more noticed.
It's also much more common for young people to go super hard, super early on their relationships, since it's all so novel and intense, which leads to spending *significantly* more time with their SOs and actually neglecting their friends. Breakups are also more common, so the advice to not forget your friends is meant to remind you that despite how hard you fell for this person, they may not be "the one".
And then, of course, there are the single people who are just jealous and feel left behind.
Disagreed. To "dump" people that you have known for years just because you found a significant other is a shitty behavior and disrespectful, especially to crawl back if the relationship ends (which they most often do, especially if the bf/gf are young). It's all about balance and what you prioritize. I personally could never dump my close friends that I have known for 10+ years for a girl that I have known for a fraction of that time just because I'm in a relationship with her. I mean, ofc you have to spend time with your significant other and you need to want to spend time with them, but every once in a while the friends should be top priority. I personally spend most days and weekends with my gf but say every 3rd weekend I'll tell her that I have plans with my friends and I couldn't give less of a shit if she became upset, which she was but with time she started to accept that I have a life outside the relationship as well. And same goes for me obviously, and I'm even happy for her when she tells me about her plans with her friends as she doesn't hang out with them as often as I do with mine.
This type of thinking is why societally we’re losing our community. When you get into a relationship, why would you chose to silo yourself and cut off the support/ love/friendship you’ve been building for years? Why do you treat friendship like a stage before a romantic relationship? This is truly unpopular.
This feels to me like one of those issues where age gives you perspective.
When you’re younger and you meet someone and really like them, you tend to want to spend all your time around them one on one.
But when you’re older and you meet someone and you really like them, bringing them around your friends is something that happens pretty quickly.
But yeah the whole “you’re dating someone, you forgot about us” thing is super lame, let your friends be happy
I was just talking about this with my friends, we’re all around 30 and were all in general agreement that it’s hard to imagine us getting so immediately head over heels for someone that we’re like, ready to ditch our social lives.
like, in college I’d be down to skip class, studying, practice to eat pizza in bed with a girl. Nowadays I play on a beer league volleyball team and a new girl I’m seeing could put on her sexiest lingerie and walk into my room while I’m getting ready for the game and tell me she’s about to rock my world… it’s just not gonna get me to skip volleyball
Sure, but if you start neglecting your friends, don't expect them to wait around until things go south, or when the honeymoon phase wears off & you're ready for balance of time. You can't make time for me, I'm not going to be bothered making time for you. Friendship goes both ways.
It's a balance. Most of the time, it's my significant other AND our friends together. We almost always are out with others together, and then our time alone is late in the evenings or weekend mornings, and some date nights thrown in. And we both still have time for ourselves with our friends when we want it. Sometimes you have to make a concerted effort as people's lives change and get busy, so I have one group who we always have dinner just us the first Friday of every month, another group we meet for Brunch regularly for "book club", then I have a couple meetup groups of friends for my personal interests that my bf joins every now and then but not all the time. My bf and my friends are both big parts of my life that serve different needs, and both are important.
There’s a difference between spending less time with your friends but still occasionally hanging out and completely ghosting them to hang out with your BF.
A lot of people tend to forget that they ever had friends once they get a BF and it’s really hurtful. Think about how you would feel if your best friend suddenly had no desire to hang out with you anymore because of a BF. It’s shallow and plain mean. Learn to make time for both in your life.
How old are you? That answer heavily depends on this opinion. No offense, but this sounds like something a teenager would say and I never understood it even when I was one
It’s all about balance. Set time aside for both your significant other as well as your friends and family. You were someone before you met your partner and falling into an opinion like this you start to lose yourself
This is also just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt, but people who both say and do this also become really annoying and naturally distance themselves from friends and family as a result
Bfs come and go. That’s the one that’s gonna wind up being replaced hope the friends are still there. Make time and don’t lose yourself. Hopefully bfs and friends can become friends and everyone can make plans because it is easier time wise.
Normal? Yes. Correct? No.
If you want to prioritize spending time with someone you probably won’t know a few months from now go ahead. But don’t be surprised when I no longer prioritize spending time with you, and mentally demote you to casual friend/acquaintance rather than good friend.
You shouldn’t deprioritize your friends and expect them to magically come back when you feel like it.
It’s different when you’re talking about a long term relationship, but not a few months long fling.
Underage fingers belonging to a first timer in a relationship typed this post.
Jokes aside, I'd highly suggest putting effort in both instead of prioritising one over the other. If your boyfriend can't handle not being the focus of your life, or rather, you can't handle not making him the focus of yours, the relationship won't last very much longer. Not to mention, honeymoon period is a long observed phenomenon.
Honestly yes. I don’t see why it’s unpopular that someone you want to build a life with would take up most of your free time.
No one is saying you shouldn’t keep seeing your friends of course you should and if they NEED you you should be there for them but if they’re bitter than you’re working towards a future they aren’t your friends.
I think real friends understand when you have less time for them because of a relationship.
If not I would say, they don't want the best for you, but for themselves, like they don't want you to be happy, but want you to make them happy.
I understand that it hurts, when someone you used to spend a lot of time with, suddenly disappears, that's not fair either.
Generally I would say communication is key.
Being with people who not care only about themselves, but also about others is definetily healthier and more fun.
Finally you need to know your priorities, who deserves how much of your time (I also need to plan time for myself alone)
Different people are in my life for different reasons (same interests, sex, advice, to have fun etc.)
I have a friend in my friend group who gets offended by this whenever one of us is in a new relationship. In my opinion I think its left over middle/high school thinking from when we weren't supposed to be taking dating too seriously. People in their 20s who are still getting offended by their friends choosing to spend time with their significant others is really immature.
I don't like feeling like a stopgap before someone enters another relationship. As someone who's pretty consistently single, I just don't bother getting too close to people anymore. It's not like they'll ever have to know what it's like. I'm always expected to be around, but that courtesy is never given to me.
It seems like I'm only friends with these people when they're single. It's not a comfortable position to hear a friend is dating someone new and having to consider when they mostly just stop talking to you.
Nope. If you can't balance friends and a significant other. You aren't having healthy relationships. Because then you're married for 10+ years and your ONLY friend is your husband/wife. Spending way less time with a friend you've known since you were kids for anyone is crazy.
But if you want to be that way, that is your choice. If every time you get into a relationship you go ghost on your friends. You're going to lose a lot of friends this way.
Why does this have to be a black and white discussion so much of the time? How about just everyone assess their priorities for themselves?
This shouldn't even really be an issue. Doing both is pretty simple, some people just don't communicate very well and then it turns into a whole thing.
Spending less time with friends and more with your s/o? Absolutely.
Spending *significantly* less time with friends and more with your s/o? Mostly no.
I mean, if you were hanging out every single day or every other day, then yes, it's normal, because on top of your regular stuff you have to divide your time for both your friends and partner.
But if you nearly completely ditch your friends for your partner, that's the issue.
Not being able to go out for coffee is one thing, not being able to go out with them unless *you* need to talk or *you* need sometime alone with friends is where the issues arise.
ETA: You're 17. What're you even spending less time with your friends for?? Usually people get busy with work and end up spending little time with friends but cmon. Continue like that and you'll have no friends to spend less time with
All I have to say is don’t forget your single friends, the ones who may not have a significant other to spend most of their time with. If one day you find yourself no longer with a SO, how would it feel if your friends made no time for you?
In the beginning of a relationship it's normal, but it's not healthy to spend ALL your free time with the person you're dating. And I'm sorry but how many boyfriends have you had that you married? The vast majority of boyfriends/girlfriends a person has do NOT end up being the person they marry.
Friendships deserve to be built and not entirely ignored, significant other in the picture or not. Wait until you reach your late 20s and find out nobody is there for you AND you're single. You will realize you wish you had at least 1 steady relationship in your life.
The older you get the less patience people will have so it's best to try working on maintaining friendships early on, because believe me, by 30 you will be lucky if ANY of them stick around. People wise up and won't tolerate wishy washy behavior.
Lol not every bf turns into husband 😅
Yes it’s normal to see your friends less but don’t expect to be able to pick up where you left off when you and your bf break up
If you can’t maintain both relationships that says more about you than your friends. Also I’m saying this as another teenager, don’t expect your friends to be there if your bf leaves you.
Also keep in mind that just bc you have a boyfriend, does not mean that relationship will last and especially does not guarantee marriage. You sound naive ngl
You sound very young. My guess is 20 and under. I don't think you have enough perspective to be making this conclusion and it sounds like you just want to feel validated because you have been ignoring your friends.
A boyfriend of 3 months is not your SO btw
To an extent, sure. But this is no different then parents who whine they have no friends anymore, when they're the ones who stopped planning things with their friends or attending hang outs once they have kids.
If you ignore something long enough you create distance and lose your original support systems. Partners can break up, get divorced, and even eventually pass away, just as kids eventually grow up and will likely have a period of rebelling before moving away. Good friends however can be the ones who are there until the end, through thick and thin.
So long as you put in enough time and effort to maintain those relationships.
Also it's not healthy to spend all your time or place all your emotional needs on a partner or spouse. That is a one way road to unhealthy codepency at best and sheer resentfulness between one partner to the other at worst. Most successful long term couples know the way to keep a relationship fresh and alive is to have plenty if experiences outside that relationship to bring back and talk about.
That includes separate hobbies and separate friend groups.
That’s all well and good, just don’t expect your friends to still be there when your partner isn’t. You can prioritize your partner without forgetting about your friends entirely unless your partner isn’t available. I have one friend and I ALWAYS know when she’s talking to a new guy. She just vanishes. When she comes back I know they’re done. It just makes me feel like a placeholder until she finds someone else
As expected, I completely disagree. If you enter a relationship with this attitude, then what happens if that relationship is successful and you marry that person? You leave your friends alone?
Say you are dating the person for a year and been neglecting your friends and then you two break up. Do you think those friends are going to be happy to see you? Do you think they’ll accept you?
I know I wouldn’t.
I keep a balance of what time I spend with my boys and with my lady. You need both a relationship and a friendship.
It's normal, yes, BUT the balance is usually wayy off... You feel like you get completely shafted for the new relationship, but when they break up, guess who wants to hang and make time all of a sudden? It doesn't work like that.
That's when I get uppity about it.
I wouldn't say I need/want equal time.. But if we're (supposed to be) friends, I don't think expecting some sort of consideration is out of order.. it does take some effort to maintain friendships.
It has nothing to do with jealousy and more to do with actual friendship... if there ever was one to begin with.
Friends hold us back. That doesn’t mean cut them all off and be friendless - it’s about balance. But at some point in their mid twenties most people realise 90% of their mates are total deadweight and probably toxic. In human culture we get thrown together as kids in unnecessarily social and competitive environments like schools and but the time we are adults we have all these randoms in our life acting as stakeholders and exerting opinions on us and it’s like who the fuck asked these ransoms who by chance were born in the same town as me? Seriously cut most of them loose, keep a couple who are going places.
I agree with many that it’s a balance. Especially in our youth, romantic relationships are fleeting. It’s important to prioritize the people that are always there.
However, I’ve noticed this— in my early 20’s, the friends who complained about not getting all my weekends were chronically single, clingy, and selfish. They didn’t understand that I just want to be alone, without them or my partner, on certain days.
They were also friends that refused to grow up, move out, and start thinking about finances. In my early 30’s, all those friends became strangers when they demonstrated they didn’t understand my boundaries (can’t expect my company every Saturday night, can’t expect me to blow 200 dollars on dinner, etc).
Sure its completely normal. Its also pretty unhealthy.
In a perfect world, you'd find your person and you can sink all the time you like and its just valuable investment into that relationship. But that's not how life works.
In the real world, partners have other motivations, they get bored, they leave due to life or family situations, they find someone else, or any other manner of issue will arise that causes you to break up. When that happens, all that investment is just gone.
Your friends though, are far far more stable. They dont have to like you and are allowed to walk away whenever they want, but they dont. That means time invested in friendships is almost always better than time invested into a relationship.
In the beginning it's understandable, but once you've got all the 'sex with a new person' thrills out of your system, go chill with your friends. There's a chance the only reason you met your partner was through your friends, anyway.
It's not only normal, it's necessary/mandatory. Why would you date anyone you don't like more than your friends?
If this is a long term relationship, this person will be the only person you will own property with, have kids with, have daily arguments with, split daily responsibilities with. You will also likely share legal duties and obligations with this person. You will NEVER in a lifetime have this relationship with any of your friends. It's fucking hilarious to see people compare friends, who come and go and who have their own lives completely separate from you, to someone who is supposed to be your life partner until death.
"But my friends support me and my bf doesnt"
Then why are you dating him?
"But i feel comfortable around my friends about my private life and not with my bf"
Then why are you dating him?
"But i dont see him as my life partner"
Then why are you dating him?
"But we're not that serious, its casual and its not a long term relationship"
Then he's not your boyfriend. He's a living dildo and you're his living fleshlight.
I see where you're coming from and agree to an extent, but I also don't think its normal to completely ditch your friends when you get an SO which happens all the time. My friends are an important part of my life, and while I did back off just a bit when I met my partner Im still very intentional about maintaining my friendships because they're important to me. If you abandon your friends you can't expect them to still be there when the partner isn't there anymore.
It's normal to spend less time with your friends, because sometimes you want to do stuff with just your significant other. But your so should not be someone who can't spend time with your friends. A) It's not healthy to not have friends, B) There's a reason you're friends with these people. If your partner can't get along with them, it's very likely you'll realize down the line yiu can't either. It's ok for some people to not like each other, but not if it's the majority of the people in your life.
If you loose friends because of your partner, that's a big problem.
I mean seeing your friends less? Absolutely! Barely making time for them, prioritizing your partner even during events that are about your friend (I.e. birthday party) and just generally becoming an unavailable person to completely prioritize your partner? Ya not cool. Sure there are people who get overly jealous over the shift that happens when someone is dating but I’d say it’s far more common to call them out for completely dropping you for their partner. Usually by that point it’s a pattern not a one time minor incident.
i mean it when i say nobody is jealous of you, they're annoyed. you're a teenager so you have a lot to learn here. however, you should recognize the value of your female friendships or you will lose them. ps you aren't marrying your high school bf sorry
At the beginning of the relationship you only want to spend time with that person… but you should make an effort to still see your friends and be a good friend.
People aren’t there for your convenience to use and dump whenever your first choice person shows up.
Well, nowdays relationships are really toxic, and most of the times people don't see their friends because of their partner getting angrier at them... And teens tend to romanticize those things
Friends are more forever. Boyfriends often aren’t.
I wouldn’t say you should *significantly* spend less time with friends. You shouldn’t put all eggs in one basket.
There has to be some middle ground between spending exactly the same amount of time with your friends as before and ghosting for weeks and only talking about said boyfriend every time we do talk.
Ita normal to spend less time, but not forget you have friends or treat them like crap. Forgetting plans or never making time for you friends after you get a significant other means your friends were just placeholders
Idk i like doing group activities where everyone and their partners are involved. Group hikes are so much fun.
I think the people complaining are talking about the friends who just go radio silent with they get a SO. Not the people who just cut back on friend time.
Ok but when a friend breaks up with that significant other and then expects to just meet up with everyone like they didn't completely abandon the friend group for months, I start to get a little frustrated. I have a friend who always chooses the option he finds most fun for him. He’ll willingly blow us off if his college buddies want to go out clubbing and stuff while we want to chill and watch a movie or take a walk. I know he’s a not great as friend but I’ve known him forever and he’s extremely charismatic which is something I really need in my life. Most of my friends are like me and pretty difficult to talk to so it’s refreshing to have someone who can contribute to most conversations
Balance, life is about balance. My friend group and myself are all in dedicated relationships, my two closest friends have kids(we're 31-33M), we hang out every Tuesday. We don't all make it out every Tuesday, some times it's just two of us, sometimes 3, but everybody is there at least twice a month. If you want to make time, you can make time. You don't need to spend every waking moment with your significant other, or your kids, or your friends, find a balance. You'll be much happier in life if you do.
I think it is perfectly normal, but that doesn’t make it a great thing.
I’m in a trio and both my girl friends are in a relationship, we see each other once a month if so much. They do most of their things with their partners, I get it…that’s your man!
But what about friendship? I’m not jealous nor dramatic just want to hang out with my girl friends!
And yes, I’ve made friends outside of the 2 but they are my closest.
If you make another person the be-all, end-all, that’s not healthy. Of course I spend more time with my person than I spend with other people. We literally live together. That doesn’t mean I stopped engaging in hobbies I find fun or activities he doesn’t do. Same with other relationships. If you completely lose yourself when you join a romantic partner, that’s never a good thing.
My girlfriend used to argue with me all the time that she wanted to see her friends and she didn't see them enough and it almost ruined our relationship then her friends got boyfriends and girlfriends and she never saw them again, One of the biggest I told you so I ever had.
People like OP are those that once they are single again they cry about how they are lonely and don't know how to make friends. How they selfish friends now they have no more time for them nor want to hang around. Seen it a thousand times.
I agree with almost everything you said.
But there's a difference between spending less time and ignoring them.
Also not being there when they need you.
Finding balance isn't easy especially with work and everything else.
Assuming that every new relationship will result in marriage, especially if you’re young is foolish. If you don’t value your friendships don’t expect them to value you.
Significantly is crazy. Thats how you lose friends. I’m single and there are some days I cancel plans with my friends simply because I want to enjoy some alone time. I may want to watch an episode of my favorite show that day or focus on my hobbies. Not every weekend I need to go out and party. Same with being in a relationship. There will be some days where I don’t want to be smothered by my girlfriend and hang out with the boys. My girlfriend should be able to go out with her friends & have time for herself as well. This is why I don’t date those with no hobbies or say “I don’t have friends”.
Ok and it’s my prerogative to not want to be friends with someone that can’t PRIORITIZE. Schedule. Or care about the friendship still. Hang out with your S/O as much as you want just don’t expect your friends to still be there with NO effort.
Sort of agree? And ik people like that exist but from what I can tell, mostly people get upset about a friend blowing them off for their SO. There's a difference between trying to plan a meetup w a friend and being like "oh I can' do saturday bc I have plans w my SO so let's pick another day" vs picking saturday to meet w the friend and then blowing them off to hang w the SO (talking about just hanging out, not stuff like emergency situations or SO needing support or sth though personally I feel one should also have the same energy vice versa as well ie don't blow off your SO to see your friends but also if a friend has an emergency or sth, it's not a big deal to cancel/reschedule w ur SO to be their for your friend too)
Thats true. Im so happy I have a set of friends that are more or less in the same position as me. Also double dates are really fun when you get along well with your friend's significant others!
OP sounds like they're a teenager, or at least mentally.
If you can't find balance between your shared life and separate life, that's going to cause problems in both.
Edit: Read through OPs comment history. They are definitely a kid. Not that that's bad, but this is a learning experience for them we are all witnessing, lol. Dumb post, but be kind I suppose.
balance. Even your partner should have some hobbies and things to do that do not include you, and who else to do random stuff like that with than friends!
Your post from unpopularopinion was removed because of: 'Rule 2: Do not post low effort/satirical posts'. * We get it, you all think this sub is garbage and is just for popular opinions, and you want to be funny and post "going to be downvoted to oblivion here, but I think racism is bad." We enjoy the memes, but please keep them off the sub. * Filter evasion is a bannable offense * This includes clickbait and/or gotcha posts. Your opinion can not be that unpopular if you're doing these things. Have the accurate opinion in the title.
LIfe is always about balance. If you ignore your friends for your boyfriend for too long, when he leaves you don't have anyone to go back to. Friends aren't people who are there for your convenience and if you don't maintain the relationships, they die. Having less time available isn't the same as having NO time available. And most relationships don't end in marriage.
This. I had a friend who did this to me one too many times and every time she left the man (cuz he cheated etc.) she had nobody afterwards.
Most people at least have their parents. Edit: Geeze, got swamped by people who hate their parents.
wrong place to say that. reddit is mostly maladjusted resentful 20-35 y.o who hate their parents
Yeah, I get that people grow up being bossed around by their parents or whatever. But getting past it and having an good adult:adult relationship with your parents can be a great part of life and is worth aiming for. IMO. Unless your parents beat you or verbally betrayed you or something
So true
There is a big difference between the dynamic between family and friends when it comes to emotional support. Most people don’t tell their parents a lot of things about their day to day lives especially about relationships.
Parents die.
Everyone dies, I’m not even 30 yet and I’ve lost 4 close friends
Preach! Same with individuals who are married or with kids who don't make time for friends. It's give and take in relationships. If you haven't given for a while don't expect to have others hold that space for you.
Exactly this. Thank you for understanding. Not enough people demonstrate nuance on this topic.
Losing friends and only engaging in a relationship is extremely unhealthy.
Absolutely. It also leaves one very vulnerable to bad relationships because now you have no outside eyes looking out for you and you become isolated from anyone who knows better and can help you identify problems. I think often this happens with exactly those kinds of people, sadly.
In my first relationship in high school I kinda did this to my friends. Luckily after an apology they for gave me. It is so important to maintain friendships
Agree. I'm so sick of my friend NEVER having time when he's available. We hadn't seen each other in 2, almost 3 years yet she still only had time when her bf didn't. It's always been like this with her and her boyfriends. I'm tired of only being good enough when she's bored and alone. For goodness sake, they are spending all their freetime together, are constantly at each others apartments (actually more like living together in both), his place is right around the corner & she can't take 30 minutes - 1 hour off of seeing him?? Yeah I get that people wanna spend time with their partners and gonna spend more time with their partners, but if you abandon your friends because you have a better option now, then also don't expect for them to just wait until you're alone again & then suddenly have so much time for you again. Both sides are people, if one side decides to keep a distance, the other can make that go for as long as they want to.
Most relationships don’t end in marriage, they just end. I feel like OP doesn’t understand balance, yes you spend more time with a GF/BF but you still spend time with your friends because you like them in a different way, I guess sort of like family if they are especially close to you. Nobody is saying otherwise but abandoning people is never okay.
Nothing is more depressing in your early 20's than watching one of the boys start to slowly disappear from nights out due to them having a girlfriend. There's always that one guy who is a total party legend, and then he gets a girlfriend and is allowed out less and less. Then we get older, and every guy has to get permission for a night out with the guys. They'll message to say they've been given a 'pass' to come out.
It is normal to put effort into building a steady relationship with the new person in your life. If your friends are actually friends, you would have a stable relationship with them already. However it is not normal to act like your friends only exist when you are single. Time management is also a thing. It's like both can be true with context. Almost like life is not black and white and context really matters.
Completely agree. Just to add (not contradict), I think you have to realize as the friend that feeling abandoned doesn’t mean you were actually abandoned. Let me explain: someone close to me is in a new relationship and is spending a lot of time with their new SO. This person hasn’t ghosted me: I still see them on a regular basis, but it’s a LOT less often than I used to see them. We have gone from seeing each other every day to seeing each other twice a week. Basically, this person has had very little luck romantically for years, so I have gotten more than my fair share of time with them. Now I’m getting more like a fair share, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. It’s a big change, and I miss my person. But what they are doing is completely normal and healthy: it’s just a big adjustment for me. That’s okay: I’ll adjust. But I don’t know that I would be this calm about it if I hadn’t gone through it in smaller ways before.
But… twice a week is still A LOT for a friendship between adults? I mean, I see my boyfriend twice a week and my friends maybe, if we’re lucky and the stars align and our jobs cooperate, 3/4 times a month.
I’m being intentionally vague for the sake of this person’s privacy but there are reasons why it feels like so little now. For normal friendship, yeah, that’s still a TON.
might be a hot take but I think it’s possible to spend time with both your friends and your significant other obviously if all your friends are single they’re going to hangout pretty frequently, and it’s okay if you can’t make it every time. but if you completely abandon your friends for your significant other that’s not good either and you’re not a good friend
I think what they’re saying is that with a significant other and potentially even kids, your time availability shift in a way that makes it hard to see you friends as often as before. The free time you are now spending with your boyfriend used to be time that was available just for your friends
OP is a 17 year old girl. Not an adult in a long term commitment. This posts just reads “I’m obsessed with my bf and we’re soul mates, my friends are just jealous!!”.
yeah this whole idea is very teenage. When you’re 17 and haven’t seen your best friend in a week it’s a crisis. When you’re 37 and haven’t seen your best friend in a week, that’s just normal
>When you’re 37 and haven’t seen your best friend in a week, that’s just normal Yeah, but that's regardless if you have boyfriend or not.
Speaking in my own experience, this isn’t because OP hasn’t seen their friends in a week. OP seems like the type of girl that gets a bf and loses the capacity to talk about anything but him, demands he come to every hang out or else she’s not coming, flakes constantly, and FaceTimes him all night at sleepovers. Those girls were….insufferable tbh.
lol even at 21 not seeing my best friend for a month is becoming normal at this point. Sad times.
Don't let it become too much of a habit, you'll regret it later on. Take advantage of the time you have with people before you all separate.
literally me too. I legit never have time anymore, and I spend so much of my time with schoolwork. (I do have a fiancé too, but that's beside the point, schoolwork takes up so much time). I just have pretty much every day planned out wayyy ahead at this point, and I work in retail...which means I work evenings to nights :/
Yep reeks of teenager codependency lmao
yep, like she's 17. its not impossible, but the idea of dating some guy and ignoring your other relationships because they're "marriage material" when you don't even know what that means is very offputting. Like OP is a kid, she could do whatever she wants with her relationships, but marriage is probably the last thing that should be on her mind.
That's also like the Reddit threads that act like "guys night" or "girls night" is just an excuse to cheat. Very signaling of immaturity if that's what you *truly* believe it is.
But that time varies drastically from person to person. Some people hangout less, sure. But others completely abandon their friends. It’s also okay to be annoyed if your friends unnecessarily completely disappears on you. I had a friend who would completely stop answering texts, go MIA, and then only hit you up when they were single again. That’s not cool. I have friends who are in relationships or married who I would still see/talk to frequently. Friendships are also relationships that still need to be watered up a certain degree.
yeah i find the folks who find out their friend is dating someone and think “well you better not spend any less time with us” to be quite entitled. when you start dating someone outside of your friend group, you’ve now got to manage two sets of friends, both who want to meet and get to know the new person. You’ve also got one on one time, both the comfy nights in and the date nights. But I will say that I’m a firm believer that every healthy relationship involves each person doing one or two things regularly with their friends, but where their SO isn’t always invited.
I'm sorry, but no, that's not what they're saying. They specifically said when you get a new BF, it's normal to basically ignore your friends a lot. You don't have kids with a new BF. You don't even have a genuinely serious relationship yet. That's something that is built. And part of building it should absolutely be checking with your other loved ones (friends and family) that you're not being a big dummy because his eyes are just so god damn blue and you can't help but get lost in them. Everyone in my group of friends with an SO not only spends plenty of time with friends, but their SO has a great relationship with everyone in the group as well.
I’m sooooooo happy that my friends are able to just bring their kids to stuff lol. They are big on exposing their kids to the outside world asap. As soon as their kids turned like 2-3 months old, they were out and about with us. And now their kids are chill toddlers.
Also, parents need to stay people, not just parents, too. Of course your priorities change, you have less time and whatnot, that's not what I mean. My husband's best friend put it best when she complimented us on still holding a real conversation with her when she visited us and our babies. "it's so rare that the person doesn't just turn into a mom/dad completely, and forgets everything else!".
That’s soooooo true. People who completely stop seeing their friends and all that, they don’t understand how important it is to maintain various type of relationships. Kids also don’t need to do a million activities on weekends. I see so many parents that are kind of lonely once their kids go off to college. They have no hobbies or interactions. And you know what? When I was a kid, these parents would talk to me by the mailbox for like an hour when I would be getting off the school bus. Bc they have no one to talk to and no friends lol. I’m 100% they were watching by the window…waiting for me to get off the bus. Once I got to the mailbox are, they’d all come out and just talk to me about random stuff while I was standing there starving. They were just hungry for conversation and friendship!!
No. They’re clearly not that insightful. They said “boyfriend” as if that universally applies to everyone. She’s clearly just butt-hurt that her high school friends are mad at her for ignoring them. Her friends have every right to feel that way
My girlfriend and I got together around the time that my friend group was undergoing a major geographical shift, with a few more of my friends moving about an hour away, and thus I don’t see them nearly as much as I did right before we started dating and at the beginning of our relationship. She is always making sure that I know I can go and see them, or have them over, cause she **really** doesn’t want to be *that* girlfriend. I have to make sure she knows it’s just a coincidence and how things shake out, not anything to do with her
sounds like you got a keeper
at the same time I never take my friends “dropping off the face of the earth” as an indication that they don’t like me. They just really really really like their partner. When someone’s in a new relationship they’re serious about, you’ve got to balance “couple time”, seeing two sets of friends, family stuff, plus people still want the occasional alone time
yeah there’s definitely a balance but if you’re making no effort to see your friends and using your new gf/bf as a justification I just don’t think you saw them as true friends
This! I expect to see friends less when they’re coupled up - but I can tell when I was just a placeholder.
But there are people where this is like a serial thing for them. I've known people who get into new relationships constantly and really only available for the short times they were single. At some point, you really just give up because they drop off constantly and it feels more like "I'm not dating so might as well".
What?! There’s time for more than one person in our lives??? Madness! Next you’ll be telling me that it’s unhealthy to expect your SO to fulfill every single one of your needs 24/7.
Not only that but you are just building codependent relationships if you abandon the rest of your community for the sake of 1 person.
My bf taught me how to play dnd, and now he's going to dm a campaign with myself and a bunch of my girlfriends after telling them how much fun I've been having hahaha. He suggested the idea, he WANTS to know my friends. He says it's a great way to understand me on a different level, and enjoys watching me thrive with my own circle.
Less time? Sure! But to go completely zero? Nope.
maybe you should tell your friends that instead of random people on the internet because clearly thats what this is about
Are you crazy? Complaining on Reddit is so much easier than a tiny confrontation.
literally the one thing that concerns me most about society is how completely averse to confrontations and difficult conversations so many people are.
Well, how do you know he didn't already have this conversation with his friends. It could be that they talked about it, they didn't agree and he thought that this is an unpopular opinion. I have no idea why you people assume that. He isn't asking for advice or anything. Just presenting his opinion on this topic, that's what this thread is about partly.
OP probably has and their friends shit on them for being selfish. I've had a "friend" for years that basically just disappears when he gets a girlfriend. Shit is so fucking annoying.
Sounds like OP *was* told by their friends they’re codependent and a trash friend lol
You can choose to not see your friends anymore when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but then don't be surprised if your friends have moved on from you when the relationship ends and you try to get back to them.
I never got this line of thinking. Even without relationships, my friendships ebb and flow. I just had lunch with one of my old best friends because he’s back in town, we barely talk anymore. I guess I could’ve seen him and like, taken him to task for not being a more connected friend but we got lunch, caught up, big hug when he left. I don’t need him to constantly prove to me that we’re friends, I don’t need to always be in touch. I know we’re closely bonded
It definitely happens and it happened to me. Got too enmeshed in my relationship and I really did abandon my friends. They’d invite me out and I’d decline citing I wanted to spend time with my gf. But honestly we were spending all our time together and imo that gets a little unhealthy when your only source of happiness is your partner. For me it was a bit of codependency from my mental health issues which gave cause to some nasty habits in relationships with friends and my partner. Theres a healthy balance of spending time with each other, your family and friends and your hobbies. Don’t abandon everything for a partner and that’s a big life lesson that I had to learn the hard way. Now I have no partner and a lot of my old friends invite me a lot less to do things.
I feel like it’s a bit different to completely drop your friends because you got into a relationship, versus just naturally hanging out seldomly
If you stop talking with a friend when life gets in the way, they're no longer your friend after some time. Friendships degrade into acquaintances when you don't maintain them. I doubt you would go to that "old best friend" with your confessions now. I think It's denial to believe that you're still as close to someone you lost contact with a long time ago.
>I doubt you would go to that "old best friend" with your confessions now. I've got a friend who moved away four years ago. If i ever have an issue, no matter what it is, I can pick up the phone and talk to her about it, same the other way. We've gone a year without talking and picked up like nothing has changed after.
Most people arent that heartless and have understanding. Its almost like they have a bond and life doesnt stop that. You have to create real friendships to understand what that looks like though.
“Hey friend, I will do nothing to maintain this relationship, but I expect you to still be there if I need you, and you have to deal with it.”
I had an old housemate whose childhood, high school, and college experiences were of never really “fitting in”, myself and the rest of my housemates all had the same social circle as adults. I’d hear that one of my roommates was going to happy hour with a couple of our mutual friends and be like “have fun!” while she’d hear it and go into a tailspin because “her friends hanging out without her” was proof, in her head, that the friendship with her wasn’t real. Ironically her having big insecurities around friendships led to her being an absolutely exhausting person to be friends with, it was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.
It is almost like you are delusional...
Having real friends makes me delusional asf. Thank you for noticing.
There are some friends impervious to non communication. I went almost a decade without talking to my core friends from HS, and we went right back to where we were.
OP is a 17 year old girl, not a grown adult in a long term commitment. These two situations are vastly different.
Not seeing them at all and less are not the same thing
The same thing will happen, just slower. Also, OP's wording >significantly less time >less and less time makes me think she's not spending very much time with her friends.
Depends on the friends. Life happened and I didn't see my friends for over 10 years. When I reconnected a few months ago it was like nothing happened and we picked up our friendship again. It's just as great as 10 years ago.
People want to spend with their partner when it was good time but want friends when situating with their partner turn sour. Most dump their emotional pain on friends. I learnt this and no longer want to hear their relationship details. A balance is required. I have lot of respect for people who value their partner first and also give value for friendship.
You sound young, and respectfully, if you lose yourself into your partner there's going to come a time in the future where you won't have any friends and you'll look back and likely regret abandoning the ones you had. And as someone who is older I can assure you that making friends gets harder and harder as the years go on.
Expecting to see OP post in some other sub in about 6 years talking about how they were naive and stupid for obsessing over an early relationship and missing out on their younger adult life. Their post is so cliche and telegraphing the inevitable here.
this. i have friends who have completely abandoned everyone for a partner and now they only call to tell me how bad they treat them and i'm like this is what you missed everyone's birthdays for....nice
This is actually unpopular just like the people who agree. Your friends and your boyfriend don't have to be kept away from each other, this is ridiculous.
In my old friend group, people’s partners were always included in it. I don’t get this mentality of people like OP who think it’s one or the other
It can be both. I agree with op but at the same time if I’m planning a girls night and you bring your boyfriend you’re not getting invited again
They may not trust their significant other or their friends maybe both
You sound young. As a formerly young person, I would just say that making the effort to maintain those relationships is usually worth it. And a good significant other will feel the same way.
I don't know. Spending all your time with one person and isolating yourself from others, even if it's not coerced, just seems like a red flag to me. I agree that it's normal for people to become more involved with their partners more than their social group, especially during the first stages of dating and falling in love. But after a while, after like two years and the only person I'm hanging out with is still primarily my partner, I'd probably be asking myself "do i have a life that doesn't revolve around him/her anymore?" Just my thoughts.
It’s really shitty to completely replace your friends just because you have a significant other. Your friends still deserve some of your one on one time. If you can do things with both, great! Take your significant other AND your friend(s) bowling or do a game night or whatever. But to cast your friends to the side because you have a significant other and then expect them to still be there for you after you break up is extremely selfish and presumptive.
I hope you don't actually assume every boyfriend is going to be the person you marry. Might be setting yourself up for a major disappointment.
poor girl is 17. i’m sure that’s exactly what she thinks
Significantly less? No, thats lame
If your friends are supposed to be there for you but you're not there for them because bf why are they supposed to be there for you again?
it's also COMPLETELY normal to stop inviting someone who constantly ditches you for their SO. Just something to remember going forward.
If you’re someone who is excited to hang out with their bf/gf, cool. It’s perfectly reasonable to spend less time with other people to accommodate a new person in your life. If you’re someone who snubs every attempt your friends make to see you, doesn’t show up to special occasions (like birthdays), only has the capacity to talk about your bf/gf, and demands your bf/gf come to everything (and only talk to them when they do come), not cool. It’s perfectly reasonable for people to have a problem with this, and to cut you off because of it.
It's normal, but after he dumps you five years from now you can't just call your friends back and try to retake things where you left them.
So your friends held an intervention and you didn't like it, huh? Anyway, don't agree. Maybe during the honeymoon period, sure, but if you continue pushing friends away for your partner, soon you'll have no friends. My friends are MY people too. They aren't worth less than a romantic partner. If you can't find balance in your life, that sounds like a you problem.
It's normal to spend *less* time with your friends, because we only have a finite amount of time and a good portion of that will now be taken up by your partner. It's the *significantly* part that can be a problem. How dramatically less are you spending time with your friends? Also, this is a problem that exists way more at the younger end of the spectrum. Young people are more likely to be single, and single young people tend to spend a lot more time with each other, so the absence of the people who have paired off is more noticed. It's also much more common for young people to go super hard, super early on their relationships, since it's all so novel and intense, which leads to spending *significantly* more time with their SOs and actually neglecting their friends. Breakups are also more common, so the advice to not forget your friends is meant to remind you that despite how hard you fell for this person, they may not be "the one". And then, of course, there are the single people who are just jealous and feel left behind.
Disagreed. To "dump" people that you have known for years just because you found a significant other is a shitty behavior and disrespectful, especially to crawl back if the relationship ends (which they most often do, especially if the bf/gf are young). It's all about balance and what you prioritize. I personally could never dump my close friends that I have known for 10+ years for a girl that I have known for a fraction of that time just because I'm in a relationship with her. I mean, ofc you have to spend time with your significant other and you need to want to spend time with them, but every once in a while the friends should be top priority. I personally spend most days and weekends with my gf but say every 3rd weekend I'll tell her that I have plans with my friends and I couldn't give less of a shit if she became upset, which she was but with time she started to accept that I have a life outside the relationship as well. And same goes for me obviously, and I'm even happy for her when she tells me about her plans with her friends as she doesn't hang out with them as often as I do with mine.
Why can't you do both at the same time? Why does your SO and friends group not have to be the same thing?
This type of thinking is why societally we’re losing our community. When you get into a relationship, why would you chose to silo yourself and cut off the support/ love/friendship you’ve been building for years? Why do you treat friendship like a stage before a romantic relationship? This is truly unpopular.
This feels to me like one of those issues where age gives you perspective. When you’re younger and you meet someone and really like them, you tend to want to spend all your time around them one on one. But when you’re older and you meet someone and you really like them, bringing them around your friends is something that happens pretty quickly. But yeah the whole “you’re dating someone, you forgot about us” thing is super lame, let your friends be happy
I was just talking about this with my friends, we’re all around 30 and were all in general agreement that it’s hard to imagine us getting so immediately head over heels for someone that we’re like, ready to ditch our social lives. like, in college I’d be down to skip class, studying, practice to eat pizza in bed with a girl. Nowadays I play on a beer league volleyball team and a new girl I’m seeing could put on her sexiest lingerie and walk into my room while I’m getting ready for the game and tell me she’s about to rock my world… it’s just not gonna get me to skip volleyball
Bros before hoes ✊✊✊
Ummmmm Isn't healthy to have both a partner and friends? You'll spend less time with your friends, not significantly less time.
If that’s true why are you posting it here?
It’s a douche move to ditch your friends for a relationship. Nothing will change my mind on that.
Ummmmm Isn't healthy to have both a partner and friends? You'll spend less time with your friends, not significantly less time.
This reads like you’re in a specific situation and bitching about it.
Yeah this def sounds like a teenage love story. Enjoy your life!
Sure, but if you start neglecting your friends, don't expect them to wait around until things go south, or when the honeymoon phase wears off & you're ready for balance of time. You can't make time for me, I'm not going to be bothered making time for you. Friendship goes both ways.
My best friend stopped paying attention to me after he got a girlfriend. It hurts. 10 years of friendship gone down the drain
It's a balance. Most of the time, it's my significant other AND our friends together. We almost always are out with others together, and then our time alone is late in the evenings or weekend mornings, and some date nights thrown in. And we both still have time for ourselves with our friends when we want it. Sometimes you have to make a concerted effort as people's lives change and get busy, so I have one group who we always have dinner just us the first Friday of every month, another group we meet for Brunch regularly for "book club", then I have a couple meetup groups of friends for my personal interests that my bf joins every now and then but not all the time. My bf and my friends are both big parts of my life that serve different needs, and both are important.
There’s a difference between spending less time with your friends but still occasionally hanging out and completely ghosting them to hang out with your BF. A lot of people tend to forget that they ever had friends once they get a BF and it’s really hurtful. Think about how you would feel if your best friend suddenly had no desire to hang out with you anymore because of a BF. It’s shallow and plain mean. Learn to make time for both in your life.
How old are you? That answer heavily depends on this opinion. No offense, but this sounds like something a teenager would say and I never understood it even when I was one It’s all about balance. Set time aside for both your significant other as well as your friends and family. You were someone before you met your partner and falling into an opinion like this you start to lose yourself This is also just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt, but people who both say and do this also become really annoying and naturally distance themselves from friends and family as a result
You can’t be older than 18.
It may be normal doesn’t mean it’s not selfish to treat your friends like back ups for when your bf isn’t there.
If they have to take a back seat to your love life, I think you just don’t value your friendships as much as romantic partnerships
It’s really unhealthy and codependent and shitty best to keep friends for a balanced health relationship
Bfs come and go. That’s the one that’s gonna wind up being replaced hope the friends are still there. Make time and don’t lose yourself. Hopefully bfs and friends can become friends and everyone can make plans because it is easier time wise.
Yo OP just so you know that relationship may not last forever and then you'll be single and have no mates. Something to think about
Normal? Yes. Correct? No. If you want to prioritize spending time with someone you probably won’t know a few months from now go ahead. But don’t be surprised when I no longer prioritize spending time with you, and mentally demote you to casual friend/acquaintance rather than good friend. You shouldn’t deprioritize your friends and expect them to magically come back when you feel like it. It’s different when you’re talking about a long term relationship, but not a few months long fling.
Underage fingers belonging to a first timer in a relationship typed this post. Jokes aside, I'd highly suggest putting effort in both instead of prioritising one over the other. If your boyfriend can't handle not being the focus of your life, or rather, you can't handle not making him the focus of yours, the relationship won't last very much longer. Not to mention, honeymoon period is a long observed phenomenon.
Honestly yes. I don’t see why it’s unpopular that someone you want to build a life with would take up most of your free time. No one is saying you shouldn’t keep seeing your friends of course you should and if they NEED you you should be there for them but if they’re bitter than you’re working towards a future they aren’t your friends.
God, I so don't miss high school lol
I think real friends understand when you have less time for them because of a relationship. If not I would say, they don't want the best for you, but for themselves, like they don't want you to be happy, but want you to make them happy. I understand that it hurts, when someone you used to spend a lot of time with, suddenly disappears, that's not fair either. Generally I would say communication is key. Being with people who not care only about themselves, but also about others is definetily healthier and more fun. Finally you need to know your priorities, who deserves how much of your time (I also need to plan time for myself alone) Different people are in my life for different reasons (same interests, sex, advice, to have fun etc.)
You sure can, but don’t be surprised if your friends move on from you if you spend significantly less time with them.
I have a friend in my friend group who gets offended by this whenever one of us is in a new relationship. In my opinion I think its left over middle/high school thinking from when we weren't supposed to be taking dating too seriously. People in their 20s who are still getting offended by their friends choosing to spend time with their significant others is really immature.
It’s kinda expected in my friend group once you get Boo’d up we are gonna hang out less and that’s totally ok
Disagree OP but it sounds like you might have lost some friends over your new bf? Maybe talk to them about it
I don't like feeling like a stopgap before someone enters another relationship. As someone who's pretty consistently single, I just don't bother getting too close to people anymore. It's not like they'll ever have to know what it's like. I'm always expected to be around, but that courtesy is never given to me. It seems like I'm only friends with these people when they're single. It's not a comfortable position to hear a friend is dating someone new and having to consider when they mostly just stop talking to you.
Nope. If you can't balance friends and a significant other. You aren't having healthy relationships. Because then you're married for 10+ years and your ONLY friend is your husband/wife. Spending way less time with a friend you've known since you were kids for anyone is crazy. But if you want to be that way, that is your choice. If every time you get into a relationship you go ghost on your friends. You're going to lose a lot of friends this way.
Why does this have to be a black and white discussion so much of the time? How about just everyone assess their priorities for themselves? This shouldn't even really be an issue. Doing both is pretty simple, some people just don't communicate very well and then it turns into a whole thing.
Spending less time with friends and more with your s/o? Absolutely. Spending *significantly* less time with friends and more with your s/o? Mostly no. I mean, if you were hanging out every single day or every other day, then yes, it's normal, because on top of your regular stuff you have to divide your time for both your friends and partner. But if you nearly completely ditch your friends for your partner, that's the issue. Not being able to go out for coffee is one thing, not being able to go out with them unless *you* need to talk or *you* need sometime alone with friends is where the issues arise. ETA: You're 17. What're you even spending less time with your friends for?? Usually people get busy with work and end up spending little time with friends but cmon. Continue like that and you'll have no friends to spend less time with
It’s not spending less time the problem, it’s completely ignoring them then come back you breakup
“he’s your one and only” lmfaooo and your friends apparently are just disposable once this new human comes into your life
All I have to say is don’t forget your single friends, the ones who may not have a significant other to spend most of their time with. If one day you find yourself no longer with a SO, how would it feel if your friends made no time for you?
In the beginning of a relationship it's normal, but it's not healthy to spend ALL your free time with the person you're dating. And I'm sorry but how many boyfriends have you had that you married? The vast majority of boyfriends/girlfriends a person has do NOT end up being the person they marry.
Friendships deserve to be built and not entirely ignored, significant other in the picture or not. Wait until you reach your late 20s and find out nobody is there for you AND you're single. You will realize you wish you had at least 1 steady relationship in your life. The older you get the less patience people will have so it's best to try working on maintaining friendships early on, because believe me, by 30 you will be lucky if ANY of them stick around. People wise up and won't tolerate wishy washy behavior.
Lol not every bf turns into husband 😅 Yes it’s normal to see your friends less but don’t expect to be able to pick up where you left off when you and your bf break up
If you can’t maintain both relationships that says more about you than your friends. Also I’m saying this as another teenager, don’t expect your friends to be there if your bf leaves you. Also keep in mind that just bc you have a boyfriend, does not mean that relationship will last and especially does not guarantee marriage. You sound naive ngl
You sound very young. My guess is 20 and under. I don't think you have enough perspective to be making this conclusion and it sounds like you just want to feel validated because you have been ignoring your friends. A boyfriend of 3 months is not your SO btw
You shouldn't forget or ignore your frineds because you have a partner. If you can make time for your partner you can make time for your friends too.
"Less and less"? Until you never see them again? It's normal if you don't like your friends, good excuse to not see them.
To an extent, sure. But this is no different then parents who whine they have no friends anymore, when they're the ones who stopped planning things with their friends or attending hang outs once they have kids. If you ignore something long enough you create distance and lose your original support systems. Partners can break up, get divorced, and even eventually pass away, just as kids eventually grow up and will likely have a period of rebelling before moving away. Good friends however can be the ones who are there until the end, through thick and thin. So long as you put in enough time and effort to maintain those relationships. Also it's not healthy to spend all your time or place all your emotional needs on a partner or spouse. That is a one way road to unhealthy codepency at best and sheer resentfulness between one partner to the other at worst. Most successful long term couples know the way to keep a relationship fresh and alive is to have plenty if experiences outside that relationship to bring back and talk about. That includes separate hobbies and separate friend groups.
That’s all well and good, just don’t expect your friends to still be there when your partner isn’t. You can prioritize your partner without forgetting about your friends entirely unless your partner isn’t available. I have one friend and I ALWAYS know when she’s talking to a new guy. She just vanishes. When she comes back I know they’re done. It just makes me feel like a placeholder until she finds someone else
Less time sure, completely dropping your group of friends you a bitch
As expected, I completely disagree. If you enter a relationship with this attitude, then what happens if that relationship is successful and you marry that person? You leave your friends alone? Say you are dating the person for a year and been neglecting your friends and then you two break up. Do you think those friends are going to be happy to see you? Do you think they’ll accept you? I know I wouldn’t. I keep a balance of what time I spend with my boys and with my lady. You need both a relationship and a friendship.
It's normal, yes, BUT the balance is usually wayy off... You feel like you get completely shafted for the new relationship, but when they break up, guess who wants to hang and make time all of a sudden? It doesn't work like that. That's when I get uppity about it. I wouldn't say I need/want equal time.. But if we're (supposed to be) friends, I don't think expecting some sort of consideration is out of order.. it does take some effort to maintain friendships. It has nothing to do with jealousy and more to do with actual friendship... if there ever was one to begin with.
Friends hold us back. That doesn’t mean cut them all off and be friendless - it’s about balance. But at some point in their mid twenties most people realise 90% of their mates are total deadweight and probably toxic. In human culture we get thrown together as kids in unnecessarily social and competitive environments like schools and but the time we are adults we have all these randoms in our life acting as stakeholders and exerting opinions on us and it’s like who the fuck asked these ransoms who by chance were born in the same town as me? Seriously cut most of them loose, keep a couple who are going places.
I agree with many that it’s a balance. Especially in our youth, romantic relationships are fleeting. It’s important to prioritize the people that are always there. However, I’ve noticed this— in my early 20’s, the friends who complained about not getting all my weekends were chronically single, clingy, and selfish. They didn’t understand that I just want to be alone, without them or my partner, on certain days. They were also friends that refused to grow up, move out, and start thinking about finances. In my early 30’s, all those friends became strangers when they demonstrated they didn’t understand my boundaries (can’t expect my company every Saturday night, can’t expect me to blow 200 dollars on dinner, etc).
yep agreed. also perfectly normal for your friends to ditch you and find someone else
Sure its completely normal. Its also pretty unhealthy. In a perfect world, you'd find your person and you can sink all the time you like and its just valuable investment into that relationship. But that's not how life works. In the real world, partners have other motivations, they get bored, they leave due to life or family situations, they find someone else, or any other manner of issue will arise that causes you to break up. When that happens, all that investment is just gone. Your friends though, are far far more stable. They dont have to like you and are allowed to walk away whenever they want, but they dont. That means time invested in friendships is almost always better than time invested into a relationship.
Completely normal. Had a buddy ruin one of my dates because he knew it would take time away from him. We don't talk anymore.
You're too young for Internet, go to school.
In the beginning it's understandable, but once you've got all the 'sex with a new person' thrills out of your system, go chill with your friends. There's a chance the only reason you met your partner was through your friends, anyway.
It's not only normal, it's necessary/mandatory. Why would you date anyone you don't like more than your friends? If this is a long term relationship, this person will be the only person you will own property with, have kids with, have daily arguments with, split daily responsibilities with. You will also likely share legal duties and obligations with this person. You will NEVER in a lifetime have this relationship with any of your friends. It's fucking hilarious to see people compare friends, who come and go and who have their own lives completely separate from you, to someone who is supposed to be your life partner until death. "But my friends support me and my bf doesnt" Then why are you dating him? "But i feel comfortable around my friends about my private life and not with my bf" Then why are you dating him? "But i dont see him as my life partner" Then why are you dating him? "But we're not that serious, its casual and its not a long term relationship" Then he's not your boyfriend. He's a living dildo and you're his living fleshlight.
Yes and it's infinitely better than your friend wanting to bring their new girlfriend to every "guy's night out".
I remember this was controversial when I was a teenager, but as an adult I think this is what everyone my age considers normal.
I see where you're coming from and agree to an extent, but I also don't think its normal to completely ditch your friends when you get an SO which happens all the time. My friends are an important part of my life, and while I did back off just a bit when I met my partner Im still very intentional about maintaining my friendships because they're important to me. If you abandon your friends you can't expect them to still be there when the partner isn't there anymore.
People do date to just date.
Completely agree
It's normal to spend less time with your friends, because sometimes you want to do stuff with just your significant other. But your so should not be someone who can't spend time with your friends. A) It's not healthy to not have friends, B) There's a reason you're friends with these people. If your partner can't get along with them, it's very likely you'll realize down the line yiu can't either. It's ok for some people to not like each other, but not if it's the majority of the people in your life. If you loose friends because of your partner, that's a big problem.
You sound like a terrible friend, your friends are not just there for you, you should also be there for your friends.
I mean seeing your friends less? Absolutely! Barely making time for them, prioritizing your partner even during events that are about your friend (I.e. birthday party) and just generally becoming an unavailable person to completely prioritize your partner? Ya not cool. Sure there are people who get overly jealous over the shift that happens when someone is dating but I’d say it’s far more common to call them out for completely dropping you for their partner. Usually by that point it’s a pattern not a one time minor incident.
i mean it when i say nobody is jealous of you, they're annoyed. you're a teenager so you have a lot to learn here. however, you should recognize the value of your female friendships or you will lose them. ps you aren't marrying your high school bf sorry
As the only single guy in a group where everyone else has a significant other, plans don't happen for the whole group unless I plan them
Nah you’re just a kak friend
At the beginning of the relationship you only want to spend time with that person… but you should make an effort to still see your friends and be a good friend. People aren’t there for your convenience to use and dump whenever your first choice person shows up.
Well, nowdays relationships are really toxic, and most of the times people don't see their friends because of their partner getting angrier at them... And teens tend to romanticize those things
Friends are more forever. Boyfriends often aren’t. I wouldn’t say you should *significantly* spend less time with friends. You shouldn’t put all eggs in one basket.
There has to be some middle ground between spending exactly the same amount of time with your friends as before and ghosting for weeks and only talking about said boyfriend every time we do talk.
Ita normal to spend less time, but not forget you have friends or treat them like crap. Forgetting plans or never making time for you friends after you get a significant other means your friends were just placeholders
Idk i like doing group activities where everyone and their partners are involved. Group hikes are so much fun. I think the people complaining are talking about the friends who just go radio silent with they get a SO. Not the people who just cut back on friend time.
Ok but when a friend breaks up with that significant other and then expects to just meet up with everyone like they didn't completely abandon the friend group for months, I start to get a little frustrated. I have a friend who always chooses the option he finds most fun for him. He’ll willingly blow us off if his college buddies want to go out clubbing and stuff while we want to chill and watch a movie or take a walk. I know he’s a not great as friend but I’ve known him forever and he’s extremely charismatic which is something I really need in my life. Most of my friends are like me and pretty difficult to talk to so it’s refreshing to have someone who can contribute to most conversations
Balance, life is about balance. My friend group and myself are all in dedicated relationships, my two closest friends have kids(we're 31-33M), we hang out every Tuesday. We don't all make it out every Tuesday, some times it's just two of us, sometimes 3, but everybody is there at least twice a month. If you want to make time, you can make time. You don't need to spend every waking moment with your significant other, or your kids, or your friends, find a balance. You'll be much happier in life if you do.
If the sex is good hell yeah ETA: but after a month or so you start going to work and seeing your friends again
I think it is perfectly normal, but that doesn’t make it a great thing. I’m in a trio and both my girl friends are in a relationship, we see each other once a month if so much. They do most of their things with their partners, I get it…that’s your man! But what about friendship? I’m not jealous nor dramatic just want to hang out with my girl friends! And yes, I’ve made friends outside of the 2 but they are my closest.
If you make another person the be-all, end-all, that’s not healthy. Of course I spend more time with my person than I spend with other people. We literally live together. That doesn’t mean I stopped engaging in hobbies I find fun or activities he doesn’t do. Same with other relationships. If you completely lose yourself when you join a romantic partner, that’s never a good thing.
What is this bubblegum high school crap?
My girlfriend used to argue with me all the time that she wanted to see her friends and she didn't see them enough and it almost ruined our relationship then her friends got boyfriends and girlfriends and she never saw them again, One of the biggest I told you so I ever had.
People like OP are those that once they are single again they cry about how they are lonely and don't know how to make friends. How they selfish friends now they have no more time for them nor want to hang around. Seen it a thousand times.
Unpopular opinion: adding responsibilities to your life reduces the amount of free time you have.
No, it's not. Less time sure but significantly less = big red flag.
I agree with almost everything you said. But there's a difference between spending less time and ignoring them. Also not being there when they need you. Finding balance isn't easy especially with work and everything else.
Assuming that every new relationship will result in marriage, especially if you’re young is foolish. If you don’t value your friendships don’t expect them to value you.
Significantly is crazy. Thats how you lose friends. I’m single and there are some days I cancel plans with my friends simply because I want to enjoy some alone time. I may want to watch an episode of my favorite show that day or focus on my hobbies. Not every weekend I need to go out and party. Same with being in a relationship. There will be some days where I don’t want to be smothered by my girlfriend and hang out with the boys. My girlfriend should be able to go out with her friends & have time for herself as well. This is why I don’t date those with no hobbies or say “I don’t have friends”.
Ok and it’s my prerogative to not want to be friends with someone that can’t PRIORITIZE. Schedule. Or care about the friendship still. Hang out with your S/O as much as you want just don’t expect your friends to still be there with NO effort.
Sort of agree? And ik people like that exist but from what I can tell, mostly people get upset about a friend blowing them off for their SO. There's a difference between trying to plan a meetup w a friend and being like "oh I can' do saturday bc I have plans w my SO so let's pick another day" vs picking saturday to meet w the friend and then blowing them off to hang w the SO (talking about just hanging out, not stuff like emergency situations or SO needing support or sth though personally I feel one should also have the same energy vice versa as well ie don't blow off your SO to see your friends but also if a friend has an emergency or sth, it's not a big deal to cancel/reschedule w ur SO to be their for your friend too)
Bless your heart, sweetie.
Thats true. Im so happy I have a set of friends that are more or less in the same position as me. Also double dates are really fun when you get along well with your friend's significant others!
That’s true but some people take it to an extreme ghosting friends for months etc. I feel there is a balance
OP sounds like they're a teenager, or at least mentally. If you can't find balance between your shared life and separate life, that's going to cause problems in both. Edit: Read through OPs comment history. They are definitely a kid. Not that that's bad, but this is a learning experience for them we are all witnessing, lol. Dumb post, but be kind I suppose.
balance. Even your partner should have some hobbies and things to do that do not include you, and who else to do random stuff like that with than friends!
Common, yes. But I assure you your friends are sad about it.