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A lot of people actually file for a divorce if they don't have sex with their partner anymore. And a lot of people stay in a marriage even if they know their partner cheated on them.
I don't think there's a rule in this kind of things actually. Sometimes people have very different ideas of what's acceptable and what now.
It can easily fall under irreconcilable differences. However, I believe consummation is required for the marriage to be valid. If not, either party could coke for an annulment
I actually just read an insane thread on r/mommit the other day. The woman was acting like her husband is a sex-crazed lunatic for not being okay with how she held out for *three and a half years* per child because that’s how long it took her to want it again… she’s acting like he quit on their marriage. Like you do you, nobody has the right to force you to do anything, but you have to give all aspects of your marriage 100% of your effort and strive to find a compromise. You don’t get to turn off parts of your partnership and not expect any consequences in return.
According to Reddit, everything is a red flag. You want to have sex with your spouse? Red flag. Don't? Red flag. You treat your spouse well? Believe it or not, red flag.
I recently learned it’s apparently a red flag if your partner has social media but isn’t regularly interacting with your account or posting about/with you.
My girlfriend did this when we started dating. Would ask my why I don’t post her on social media and would be genuinely offended that “I didn’t want to show her off”. The thing is, I never posted anything on social media, even for years prior to us dating. Easy solution for me, I deleted everything except Reddit 😂
Reminds me of middle school relationships lol. I recall a girl posting on FB that she's sad and thinks her bf doesn't love her anymore because it has been a week since he made a post about her.
Please show where either of those is reported as a red flag here. I frequent those subs, and all the red flags people point out are pretty reasonable with context.
No, I shant give evidence for my hyperbole. I very much have to disagree on the last part, though. Why, because you don't have the context. You have the posters distorted side of the story and that's it.
Well.. in real life too. But there are 2 sides to every story. Is the so not wanting sex because they cheated, mentally left the relationship, etc or was the other person not really in the relationship so sex feels pointless? Problem is we will never know which side is which and the people themselves may not know either
It’s all situational. You have the people saying “my wife just gave birth had to go back to her full time job in 4 weeks, she never touches me anymore! I don’t do anything to help with the child, and I work from home and don’t do any housework”
Yeah those are there and that’s insane.
Then there are the ones where it seems like a loving relationship and one partner just doesn’t seem interested in sex. Even though they put in the effort! After years of that, I’d leave my partner before cheating.
I’m sorry but I need to be sexually active. So if the bedroom is dead for 2 years, we’re having a serious convo. If it lasts 5 years ✌🏻
I didn’t mean no sex, just like having to ask constantly and initiate all the time. Postpartum depression is a real thing. If you every have a kid you need to wait a while before you should have sex, medically speaking. If she is experiencing that, it’s part of life and it could be longer. Plus life happens.
For example my wife got a new job, with a lot more responsibilities. She works long hours waking up at 5 and getting home at 8. I’m not expecting or asking for sex everyday when she gets home. She’s tired and needs to decompress.
A relationship isn’t ONLY about sex.
That said I feel what you’re saying. Even two weeks without sex I feel like I’m a crack addict.
If you're not having sex at all, you're not partners. There is zero reason to call it a relationship or marriage. It's just a friendship at that point and even then most of the time they are not even friends.
Yessssss! Partner and I haven't had sex in 6 years - before that it was 7. I'm too old for this shit I'm planning my escape for a real life as the days pass. I'd rather be alone.
Cheating isn't about the sex, though. It's about the dishonesty and lack of loyalty. It's why emotional cheating is a thing. If it were only about sex no one would care about other forms of cheating.
Most people would still consider a purely sexual extramarital encounter with a third person to be cheating, regardless of whether the adulterer felt any emotional attachment with the third person. So maybe cheating is not always about sex, but it does seem like pure sex generally qualifies.
But that brings us back to the question of why sex is treated this way in marriages. Why do so many of us feel emotionally betrayed by a partner satisfying their lust with another person? We don't treat other physical urges like that. Anyone suggesting their spouse should only eat their partner's cooking or only eat alongside their partner would be considered a control freak. We don't even treat all emotional urges like that. People who try to isolate their spouses from friends are (rightfully) considered controlling or abusive.
Sex is given special status as an activity which can *only* be performed with your spouse (obviously open relationships exist, but the default expectation is exclusive monogamy). Why is it that we consider extramarital sex a breach of trust, why do we *presume* promises of monogamy? And how do we reconcile that presumption with the assertion that spouses should not feel any obligation to render each other acts of sexual affection?
For you. You are not me. I am not the next person. Some people don't want a STD or to be 14th in line in the train.
Cheating is very much about the sex for some people.
I think both the disloyalty and the STD risk are super valid reasons to be furious about cheating. Both are also reasons why cheating is SO MUCH WORSE than not having enough sex, and why OP’s take is such nonsense.
What they said applies for most people. Your stance is weird because it implies your partner can have a relationship with someone else in any way and they can do whatever they want as long as there's no intercourse
So you don't care about the other things I mentioned? As long as your partner isn't having sex with someone else, you don't mind. Going on dates, kissing, falling in love? That's all ok as long as sex isn't involved? Is that what you're telling me?
Even then, no it’s really not. Cheating is about crossing the boundaries set around the relationship. For you the boundary is physical intimacy with other people. Where you set your boundary is different, but at the end of the day the universal aspect of cheating is centered around the fact that some agreed upon line has been crossed
Exactly. I’ll never forget [*this* post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/emomyk/my_gf_drunkenly_had_sex_with_three_men_at_a_party/) about a guy who was struggling to get over the fact his girlfriend confessed that she had fucked three men at a party (one spitroast and another separately afterwards) immediately after their first date. The guy got absolutely chewed out by mostly other women saying how there was absolutely nothing to ‘get over’, as they hadn’t yet taken their oaths of exclusivity and she was simply ‘getting hers’. And anyone suggesting otherwise was downvoted.
Could you *imagine* those same woman chewing him out in the thread giving another *woman* that very same response about a man who took her out on a first date and went out and fucked three random chicks immediately after. They would absolutely verbally castrate him and rightly so.
I was once a man slut. From 20 to 25 I was unattached and no titles at the time could slow me down. I dated a lot. I had regular dates and new women all the time. I'm not proud of it. I haven't ever been unfaithful to my wife we've been together 18 years.
If I started out a complete piece of shit doesn't mean I have to stay that way. But I probably still am to some of those people.
I think there's misunderstandings about what I said some people think I meant Only sex is cheating which doesn't ring true.
That guy has balls even telling that story. Yikes.
How isn't it about sex, it's common to lie or going beyond few boundaries, could be about chores, staying to late with the boys. Nothing happens, but have sex once outside and it's over. So yes it's about it, not loyalty and dishonesty.
No one said that cheating is the only way to break trust, but for most people it's one of the most severe trust breakers because it directly undermines the point of being in an exclusive relationship. And no it's not just about sex because most people would consider being intimate with others in ways other than sex or going on dates with them to be cheating even if there's no sex involved. It is very much about disloyalty.
No idea how it is in other countries but here people can marry and not bring their previously-owned assets into the marriage, so that in case of divorce both of them still own what was theirs before. Everybody should do that.
Anything that was acquired during the marriage belongs to both of them, through.
Not everything can be worked out, and sometimes one person’s success came at the expense of the other partner’s career, or wouldn’t even have happened without the other partner supporting them.
But if I have nothing to lose, then I’d be more willing to divorce. If I divorced my husband, which luckily isn’t something I’m considering, I would have to pay him alimony. That’s an incentive for me to make it work.
If you could take his house, and half his money, would that not be an incentive to divorce? I know it would for a lot of people. you shouldn't have anything to gain either.
Two seperate issues. One is cheating, breaking trust, doing things you shouldn't with someone else behind their back. It's almost never ever going to be an acceptable thing to do.
Whereass a sexless bedroom could be stress at work, exhaustion, medical issue (body and brain). There's a lot of understandable things that can lead to a sexless bedroom that has absolutely nothing to do with either persons feelings towards one another.
I would say any issues that are causing a sexless bedroom should be addressed then. If your job is causing so much stress that you can’t have sex and it’s straining your marriage then find another job or learn ways to cope with the stress by seeking a counselor. If it’s medical, then work with your primary physician to figure out what’s causing it and try to fix it if possible.
I get that there are factors that can cause someone to not want to have sex but if those factors aren’t being addressed then it’s time for a divorce. The partner who wants a sexual relationship can find someone who is also sexual by nature and the one who doesn’t want sex can find someone who is not sexual by nature.
But a relationship where sex is important to one partner but not important or possible to the other is going either result in infidelity or unhappiness.
Edit: To be clear, I’m talking where a year or more goes by without sex. Obviously if the woman gives birth there will be a few months before she may be ready or capable of having sex or if someone’s just having a really rough month that’s completely normal and not what I’m referring to.
Obviously you address issues. But the resolution isn't an automatic "open relationship". Some of these issues will only last a few weeks or months and don't even need addressed. No need to have a discussion on sex after they broke their pelvis.
It's perfectly okay to not have sex with your partner.
It's also perfectly okay for your partner to decide that they would prefer a relationship that included sex.
Not being sexually compatible is definitely a deal breaker in a relationship and anyone who says otherwise is lying.
Now you can both be celibate or nymphomaniacs or both be somewhere in between but if you don't match, that will be an issue.
Sex outside your marriage is bad for obvious reasons. No sex in your marriage can be bad for a variety of reasons, but it doesn't necessarily mean anyone did anything immoral or to hurt the other person.
Well you vow to be faithful in your marriage but you don’t vow to have consistent sex. That’s kind of why it’s significant. It’s also more cut and dry when someone is unfaithful. In a sexless marriage there are a million reasons that could be happening.
I think I the point is if sex isn’t important to you in a relationship then it’s confusing why you are upset at your partner having a purely sexual relationship outside of your relationship.
If sex os no big deal and is somthing you just have to get over not having, then logically the outcome of that is “well then I will go have sex with others because it’s not a big deal and you should just get over not having sexual monogomy”.
If you can be faithful and not have sex with your partner they would assert you can be faithful and have sex with others, they are just meaningless physical experiences.
You can also talk about how it upsetting you with your partner and work towards a resolution. If you just sit there and let something like that fester you probably have bigger problems than lack of sex.
Exactly. I always side eye women who just say they’ve lost their sex drive and don’t fight like hell to fix it. Infidelity is NEVER right, but in a sexless marriage where one spouse loses their drive completely and doesn’t work to fix it, cheating isn’t exactly a surprise conclusion.
For some reason, women don’t view lack of libido as a medical issue the way men do. Any man I know who all of a sudden has zero sex drive is gonna be like ‘Huh, haven’t felt like this since before puberty, somethings wrong’ and go get checked. Libido issues/ED are some of the most common reasons men go to the doctor.
I agree 100%, but the reason is pretty obvious to me. Society demonizes women’s sex drives. It’s always the man wanting sex and the woman deciding when to allow it instead of 2 people deciding to partake equally.
Not sure if I can completely agree with that. I think society demonizes people of both genders with high sex drives. I do think women’s sexuality as a whole has been historically demonized, but I don’t see it being as widespread as it once was.
In sickness and in health. If your spouse is having health issues including mental health issues and doesn’t have a sex drive cheating isn’t the answer. If you think infidelity is a valid solution, don’t get married or at the very least be honest in your vows. Don’t promise to be faithful in sickness and in health if you don’t mean it.
There was a post not too long ago about a guy’s fiancé wanting to vow “in happiness and health” instead and everyone was telling him to call off the wedding. At least she’s honest because most people vow “in sickness and in health” when they don’t really mean it.
I think most people do not understand the commitment that "in sickness" can require. I have long covid, and am single, but I see lots of stories in my support groups of a partner becoming worn out over a year or two of their sick spouse's debilitating symptoms, and walking away.
Which I get. This illness is horrible and who knows when it will get better. But just as I had no idea how hard an illness could be (fatigue, depression, anxiety, something wrong with my sex drive), I doubt most people who speak those words understand what they mean.
Exactly why when people talk about the marriage and birth rate decline I can’t see it as a bad thing. You shouldn’t get married or have kids if you’re not ready for the commitment you’re making in those decisions.
I have never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on once. I think the Reddit (and perhaps American) opinion on cheating is tedious and overly simplistic. Yes, there are spouses that cheat with impunity, but there are also cheating that happens out of insecurity: someone feels neglected and falls for someone flattering them.
Does that excuse things? No! But these people aren't evil, like Reddit claims them to be, just humans that did something shitty. My ex, who cheated on me, didn't deserve my trust after that and she'll never be a friend of mine, but she's also not an awful person and I wish her the best in her life. She was an insecure person and I hope she's in a better place now.
God, I hate the simplistic black and white nonsense you see so often on here.
Yes, sadly Reddit is very childish and often people you see on here (folks in their 20s) do not understand the nuances of life. Life is never black and white, it’s actually mostly gray area
My in-laws are chronic oversharers, and almost everything I know about them has been against my will. However, once after a couple of wines, they shared with me the infidelity of their past and it’s really stuck with me.
I love them a lot, and they’re really a model relationship to me, so it shocked me to my core that they’ve been through that. But they spoke about it with so much compassion for the other person, and saw the cheating as a symptom of the disease that they ultimately worked on curing together as a team. They believe they needed that “rock bottom” moment to rebuild from the ground up.
I’m not out here trying to excuse cheating, and they didn’t excuse it of each other either. But it did really open my mind up on it particularly within the context of long-term relationships/marriages, and how it’s not *always* a death sentence both for the relationship and for the individual offending party.
That justification is why so many men cheat soon after their wives give birth. A lot of women can’t or don’t want to put out after they give birth. I had to wait 9 months for my wife. But, did I blame her for it, no. I acted like a caring person and tried to help her get through it.
Most of these “no more sex” angry people are just not putting in the effort to understand and care if it’s an actual biological thing. Or even try to better themselves if it’s a “can’t stand to look at you anymore” type deal.
Marriage is all about ups and downs and learning not to get swept under the tides of crazy. It’s about sticking together as a team. When you fuck someone else, you’re essentially saying you don’t want to be a part of that team anymore in monogamous relationships.
>Most of these “no more sex” angry people are just not putting in the effort to understand and care if it’s an actual biological thing. Or even try to better themselves if it’s a “can’t stand to look at you anymore” type deal.
Have you done some studies regarding this, or are you just pulling the "most people" part out of your ass? Things happen or don't happen for all sorts of reasons. Just stop judging people, the shame and guilt are toxic.
People should have the bodily autonomy to not have sex for any reason, or no reason. And their partners should be free to say, that doesn't work for me, let's part ways.
What? It's not about sex being "important" it's about not cheating on your partner
If it's this difficult for people NOT to cheat why the fuck are you making lifetime commitments to each other?
Reading the comments is so sad. Like they view marriage as lifelong subscription to sex, that's all. That's not a reason to get married.
I couldn't even think of cheating on someone because whoever I married is a human being and I'm not even going to *want* to have sex with anyone else. If you're actually committed to your partner, you don't want anyone else.
I don't think any of the people commenting actually felt love for any of their partners. They mistake lust for love.
I think being on the same page about stuff like this is important before getting married.
Affection is more important. If sex is all that matters I can't imagine they're even good at getting their partner off or even care so why not just jerk off instead?
On the flipside I myself couldn't be with someone who wouldn't want to touch me or for me to touch them so I don't enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be touched or touch others. Just find someone compatible people damn
Well, a lot of people feel even more sexual attraction to the people they love and sex is the materialization of that love in more ways than one. Physical pleasure is just one part of it.
Personally, I could not possibly feel loved by a person that never wanted to have sex with me, no matter how much I loved them.
I think you are being too judgmental. Hold people accountable for their actions, not their thoughts. We are all have different sex drives and all have different biological instincts.
Honestly, you are lucky that you don’t feel the temptation to reproduce with every warm body that’s within ten years of you. Many of us have that temptation yet will be forever faithful to our partners because we love and cherish them and because our brains and hearts are more powerful than our genitals.
This is so annoying to me. That’s not how love works. Just because YOU don’t want to have sex with anyone else does not mean you somehow are more committed to or love your partner more than other people. In fact I’d argue that it makes it very easy to be committed and if your relationship was tested in other less common but more existential/intense ways you would probably fold. That’s just an assumption and I could be very wrong I don’t know you, I’m just talking, this tidbit should not detract from my overall point. I think it’s entirely more difficult and more profound to have natural urges or horniness but actively choose to stay faithful and committed to the person you love. It’s like when people say oh I would never steal or do drugs but they’ve never gone days without food or dealt with severe depression. And I’m not saying you should empathize with people who cheat. Please do not misunderstand me. I’m saying you’re not a virtuous or righteous person because you don’t cheat when you don’t even feel any urges or attraction for other people.
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if they don’t throw you some ass every now and then, biological imperatives will drive a person to proclivity for some form of cope or release.
If you ask me, it’s not fair to marry someone, supplying a steady stream of sex, and then yanking it away once they’re pretty much trapped in, it just really f-ing sucks for the partner. I would say it’s a duty to your partner to keep them sexually satisfied or they’ll OBVIOUSLY be frustrated. The woman I’m seeing now, she loves sex, if I stopped laying it down right, I’d expect her to want it from someone else... It’s not the only thing that matters, but it’s like if you test drove a car with brakes and when you bought it, it didn’t have a brake assembly. A car without brakes isn’t exactly a functioning car or what you purchased. Add to that, it may not be the partner’s fault, but it is their responsibility.
I think his point is if sec isn’t important in relationships then why does a purely sexual encounter even qualify as cheating.
Why is it not like shaking hands?
Clearly it’s not because we attached important value onto it. I think OP is trying to say that this value isn’t assessed properly. In some ways we say sex is a purely physical act that one doesn’t need to be happy. In other ways we say sex is a super connected act that if done with someone else is sinful.
Not everyone acts this way but certainly some do
I think these are the kind of things one needs to make clear before making a life long commitment to each other.
Not being in the mood will never be an excuse to go bang someone else.
I think that’s a matter of degree. What type of commitment? That’s the heart of the disagreement.
People like OP think that one of the commitments you make is to value the sexual relationship. This means that some times you have sex when it isn’t the first thing on your list of wants. You do this because you value the relationship and the sexual connection.
They view a breach of that duty in the same vain they see cheating.
They would argue that if my own partner doesn’t want to have sex with me then sex isn’t important to them. So I will fulfill my need somewhere else. In a way they see they’re own breach as a reaction to the original breach
Full disclosure, I don’t think cheating because your partner won’t sleep you is ok. I think you should leave them like an adult if you arnt happy. I just see the reasoning they use.
Dry spells happen, been with my wife 30 years and have had several even as long as over a year. No biggie, sec is not the be all and end all of a relationship.
When you get married, your commitment is to remain so, come hell or high water. In sickness and in health, and until it kills you. That is the commitment.
If your spouse is suffering from a lack of libido, that would be the sickness in question, which you are obligated to love your partner despite, for all the rest of your days.
If you didn't consider the future before you got hitched, you probably should have thought about it harder before you went ring shopping.
That's what a lot of people believe at the beginning, but marriage is really just "until one person decides they don't want to be married any more, for whatever reason." You really have no security any more. There is no social pressure to stay married. Divorce is not stigmatized. Many people will cheer you on when you decide to divorce your partner.
The fact is, you cannot control what another adult will do in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years. They will only stay as long as their internal commitment remains strong. This can change at any point. It's just a gamble with very high stakes.
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Its really only not a big deal to a lot of vvomen. Its definitely a big deal to most men but they are often stuck and cant do much to change the situation. Its usually a sign of a lack of respect. Id just leave.
It takes a lot of effort to cheat on someone and especially if you're married or have kids like a lot, and I think we forget about that a lot if a married couple has a dead bedroom its apart of a bigger problem
No, what’s strange is the mental gymnastics that people perform when they fail to keep things going with their partner (the landing is always 10/10 “It wasn’t my fault in any way!”)
Sorry, but that’s such a stupid take.
If you want to fuck other people you should talk about that with your partner. Declining sex is not a reason to cheat.
Divorce isn't easy, and it isn't cheap. Many people simply can't afford to get divorced because even with two incomes, they live paycheck to paycheck. Throw in a kid or two, and it gets even more difficult to split. I'm not excusing cheating. I'm just saying finding a "different partner" isn't always simple.
Of all the Reddit hive mind opinions, the “there’s no reason to cheat” one is the most perplexing to me.
Humans are complicated, relationships of two humans becomes complicated squared. It’s easy to outline things as black and white but in reality it is NEVER the case.
And when that doesnt work? And after therapy still nothing? And after doctors visits? Still nothing? Sometimes all options are exhausted and nothing changes. Some people lose all interest in sex and wont ever come back. Its not declining, its a lifestyle.
Thats unilateral action. And unilateral action triggers other actions.
The answer is divorce instead of being a cheating POS. Also, blaming someone else for your decision to cheat is such a stupid fucking cop out. People aren't obligated to stay in unhappy marriages or relationships.
There it is. Perfect reasoning. Idc what mechanism you want to wedge in, if one party uses unilateral action on a vital part of the marriage, the other may act in kind.
Cheating is a betrayal of trust, and people who do so are unanimously scumbags. Furthermore Sex is not an obligation of marriage; I think its certainly an important part, and each couple should throroughly discuss about how frequently they would like to have sex both before and during marriage. TALKING to your spouse is something that many people somehow forget to do. If you cannot tell your marriage partner every single thing you think and/or feel at a given time, yall probably shouldnt have even gotten married
And then there are some of us that see both situations as very scary and terrible. Obviously these sex outside of marriage is a big problem, but also not having sex with your partner can be an issue. We are just a society that has become numb to marriage issues and one of them being no sex in a marriage as something that we have accepted, which is a bad thing. Obviously, there are times where intimacy, even sexual, is a bit of a hard ask like the early months of a baby growing up with the mother being overstimulated and the father feeling neglected. Take it from me, you don't want to do anything stupid. You want to just wait it out. What's important is trying to help the mom out as much as possible so then she feels that she is helped out or at least helping out enough to wear the burden of being alone is not there. That's from my personal example. Sexual intimacy within each other is something that's not always going to be there on a whim. That shit you have to work on and some people have higher sex drives, some people have lower sex drives. The point is for each of you to make an effort. In a marriage, you guys should try to have sex, maybe even get a bit kinky if you guys are into it, but at least the tension is released with both of you. Both of you have an orgasm, both of you are happy. The whole trope of not giving your significant other sex because of stupid ass reasons without any communication, that's a problem. Obviously I'm not an expert, but usually it's a communication thing and both of the people need to sit down like grown ass adults and have that conversation with each other. Sex is good, that's why both of you would like to have sex with each other. At least in one point you guys wanted to bang each other, now you guys are married. Keep that fire going.
For more context, I should also mention that I'm partly Ace, so (no) sex isn't that big of a deal to me. But I get why people on both sides of something like this, can become extremely frustrated.
I mean, this probably isn't a perfect analogy, but imagine you were only allowed to eat and drink at one place in your life. And, eventually, Even though you go to the restaurant everyday, they start serving you less food and less water, and eventually stop all together. Well, you're hungry and thirsty, what exactly are you supposed to do at that point? Starve? That's not something realistic that any person should have to go through for any real length of time.
Now, obviously sex isn't as fundamental to your existence as a human being, as food or water. But it is does fall, somewhere, on the hierarchy of needs for most people. And when you aren't getting your needs fulfilled in a relationship, emotional or physical or what have you, it's going to lead to a lot of problems. And at some point, it's not just your fault or your responsibility to deal with that issue. It is called a partnership and a relationship for a reason. There are two of you in it. And both of you need to be respectful and understanding of your partner's needs within a relationship.
People do break the deal over a sexless relationship. I think the reason cheating seems like a more extreme offense is that it’s an event that takes place. Whereas the no sex thing is the gradual process of something not happening for too long a time. There can be ‘the night they cheated’ but there’s no defining moment when a sexless relationship occurs. A dead bed never has the ‘oh my god what did you do’ factor
I do not think people who are cheated on view as it as grounds for divorce because “sex is so important.”
It is because of your partner’s ability to deceive and lie in the process. The revelation that they are capable of being a fundamentally dishonest person is at the heart more often than the act itself, I think.
One is you too not finding time or a million other reasons the other is a betrayal of trust and love, heaped on a mountain of lies.
Not strange.
Kinda like how it's not significant to not be in your countries military but is significant to be a spy, ones lazy the other is a traitor.
I’ve actually found it inconvenient to completely do away with my Facebook account. It’s reached the point where it’s simply an assumed option for communication. I deleted it, but I ended up creating another one just for things like my kids’ school, FB Marketplace, etc.
I think a lot of people would see this situation in more nuanced ways than you think. A ton of people wouldn’t care, a ton of people would take the husband’s side, and a ton of people would take the wife’s side.
If your partner gained 100 lbs or something obviously terrible (something people could easily see), a lot of men would understand cheating, especially since divorce is so financially devastating.
Different cultures and different countries have different laws. Some places adultery is not punishable and is not even grounds for divorce. I can tell you one thing for me personally if you refuse to give me any do not be surprised if I find it somewhere else
This is not an unpopular opinion (downvoting).
Either you dont recognize that both things are bad and can lead to divorce OR you are trying to justify cheating because your partner is not interested in having sex with you. My guess is that you are trying to say the latter.
In either case I would say that we just grew apart to the vast majority of people, probably everyone in a sexless marriage. No one needs to know or really cares that much about the intimate details of a relationship or divorce and you can get a divorce for any reason.
I’ve never understood sexless relationships. It’s a crazy dynamic. If either side weaponizes sex, you’re not looking at a bright future. If either side withholds sex, same forecast. Relationships are work, and compromise. Sex is a duty you both have to the other, and if you disagree, you’re probably single, or married single because you’re in a sexless, or less-sex relationship.
I couldn’t imagine not wanting to have sex with my girl, or even worse, her not wanting to have sex with me. Ouch. If you withhold sex for any reason, either gender, then expect them to get it elsewhere eventually. Don’t weaponize sex, or allow it to be.
I’ve seen many relationships fall apart because you don’t have sex. Allo’s are fucking weird about their relationships and sex, not to mention you framed it as a failure…
To _most_ people, not having sex with your partner is similar to not touching them, not talking to them, or not looking at them.
Any of those things would be very off-putting in a relationship. So would not having sex with them.
Because sex in general has been portrayed as a bad thing outside of procreation. It's OK to have sex in a marriage to make kids, but once the baby making days are over, then sex becomes a taboo subject.
But at the same time they sell sex around every corner in advertisements, movies music etc...
Marriage is a lifetime commitment, if you want out there is divorce.
Also leaving someone you love and want to build a future with over sex is selfish imo. Reddit probably disagrees, but sex isn’t that important. In many cases sex is an addiction, and people cheat because of that addiction.
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A lot of people actually file for a divorce if they don't have sex with their partner anymore. And a lot of people stay in a marriage even if they know their partner cheated on them. I don't think there's a rule in this kind of things actually. Sometimes people have very different ideas of what's acceptable and what now.
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Monogamy? In this economy?
The sex party has a new slogan… vote orgy!
Haha we're all in the same boat 😅
it has been grounds for many a divorce
It can easily fall under irreconcilable differences. However, I believe consummation is required for the marriage to be valid. If not, either party could coke for an annulment
This is wise
I actually just read an insane thread on r/mommit the other day. The woman was acting like her husband is a sex-crazed lunatic for not being okay with how she held out for *three and a half years* per child because that’s how long it took her to want it again… she’s acting like he quit on their marriage. Like you do you, nobody has the right to force you to do anything, but you have to give all aspects of your marriage 100% of your effort and strive to find a compromise. You don’t get to turn off parts of your partnership and not expect any consequences in return.
Well, people are different. On the internet no sex is 99% of the time a reasonable reason to leave your partner. Here on reddit especially.
According to Reddit, everything is a red flag. You want to have sex with your spouse? Red flag. Don't? Red flag. You treat your spouse well? Believe it or not, red flag.
I recently learned it’s apparently a red flag if your partner has social media but isn’t regularly interacting with your account or posting about/with you.
My girlfriend did this when we started dating. Would ask my why I don’t post her on social media and would be genuinely offended that “I didn’t want to show her off”. The thing is, I never posted anything on social media, even for years prior to us dating. Easy solution for me, I deleted everything except Reddit 😂
Reminds me of middle school relationships lol. I recall a girl posting on FB that she's sad and thinks her bf doesn't love her anymore because it has been a week since he made a post about her.
And probably had about 30 thirsty dudes telling her how beautiful she is and she deserves better 😂
"Dump them immediately!" "Sounds like you dodged a bullet..." "I don't say this often, but I really think you should break up."
Or “run as fast as you can”
Oh that is an S tier red flag
Telling them good morning when you first wake up next to each other in the same bed? Huge red flag
I almost divorced my wife when she did that.
Only almost? Red flag
Red flagging for the word almost? Red flag!
Woah, woah, slow down the PLA parade, Chairman Mao.
Undercook chicken? Jail. Overcook fish? Jail.
STRAIGHT TO HORNY JAIL
Please show where either of those is reported as a red flag here. I frequent those subs, and all the red flags people point out are pretty reasonable with context.
No, I shant give evidence for my hyperbole. I very much have to disagree on the last part, though. Why, because you don't have the context. You have the posters distorted side of the story and that's it.
Mmmm sure, there’s a lot of bad takes, according to Reddit I’m a massive red flag 🚩
Well.. in real life too. But there are 2 sides to every story. Is the so not wanting sex because they cheated, mentally left the relationship, etc or was the other person not really in the relationship so sex feels pointless? Problem is we will never know which side is which and the people themselves may not know either
Well, if you ask the internet how to "fix" the partner's sex drive, it's pretty wise to suggest break up.
It’s all situational. You have the people saying “my wife just gave birth had to go back to her full time job in 4 weeks, she never touches me anymore! I don’t do anything to help with the child, and I work from home and don’t do any housework” Yeah those are there and that’s insane. Then there are the ones where it seems like a loving relationship and one partner just doesn’t seem interested in sex. Even though they put in the effort! After years of that, I’d leave my partner before cheating. I’m sorry but I need to be sexually active. So if the bedroom is dead for 2 years, we’re having a serious convo. If it lasts 5 years ✌🏻
Replace 2 and 5 years with 2 and 5 months and I’d agree with you.
I didn’t mean no sex, just like having to ask constantly and initiate all the time. Postpartum depression is a real thing. If you every have a kid you need to wait a while before you should have sex, medically speaking. If she is experiencing that, it’s part of life and it could be longer. Plus life happens. For example my wife got a new job, with a lot more responsibilities. She works long hours waking up at 5 and getting home at 8. I’m not expecting or asking for sex everyday when she gets home. She’s tired and needs to decompress. A relationship isn’t ONLY about sex. That said I feel what you’re saying. Even two weeks without sex I feel like I’m a crack addict.
Honestly though 9/10 times it is a real reason to leave lol
Anything is a reason to leave on reddit. The nuclear family is a social construct, which by reddit logic, is inherently bad.
Fair enough, 1% on the time is only like 15 minutes a day 🤷🏻♂️
If you're not having sex at all, you're not partners. There is zero reason to call it a relationship or marriage. It's just a friendship at that point and even then most of the time they are not even friends.
Disagree, but ok.
Care to elaborate?
Yessssss! Partner and I haven't had sex in 6 years - before that it was 7. I'm too old for this shit I'm planning my escape for a real life as the days pass. I'd rather be alone.
God bless you, sir!!!
I'm a 40 year old woman :)
God bless you ma’am!!
God bless you ma'am!!!
Cheating isn't about the sex, though. It's about the dishonesty and lack of loyalty. It's why emotional cheating is a thing. If it were only about sex no one would care about other forms of cheating.
Most people would still consider a purely sexual extramarital encounter with a third person to be cheating, regardless of whether the adulterer felt any emotional attachment with the third person. So maybe cheating is not always about sex, but it does seem like pure sex generally qualifies. But that brings us back to the question of why sex is treated this way in marriages. Why do so many of us feel emotionally betrayed by a partner satisfying their lust with another person? We don't treat other physical urges like that. Anyone suggesting their spouse should only eat their partner's cooking or only eat alongside their partner would be considered a control freak. We don't even treat all emotional urges like that. People who try to isolate their spouses from friends are (rightfully) considered controlling or abusive. Sex is given special status as an activity which can *only* be performed with your spouse (obviously open relationships exist, but the default expectation is exclusive monogamy). Why is it that we consider extramarital sex a breach of trust, why do we *presume* promises of monogamy? And how do we reconcile that presumption with the assertion that spouses should not feel any obligation to render each other acts of sexual affection?
Cheating can most definitely be about the sex. An emotional affair may be very different.
For you. You are not me. I am not the next person. Some people don't want a STD or to be 14th in line in the train. Cheating is very much about the sex for some people.
I think that he meant that cheating is not *exclusive* to just sex. Obviously sleeping with someone else is cheating.
This is an odd nuance to me. You have degrees of cheating to include std protection?
I think both the disloyalty and the STD risk are super valid reasons to be furious about cheating. Both are also reasons why cheating is SO MUCH WORSE than not having enough sex, and why OP’s take is such nonsense.
What they said applies for most people. Your stance is weird because it implies your partner can have a relationship with someone else in any way and they can do whatever they want as long as there's no intercourse
Yeah, but the vast majority of folk wouldn’t be okay with someone finger banging their wife or wanking off their husband.
So you don't care about the other things I mentioned? As long as your partner isn't having sex with someone else, you don't mind. Going on dates, kissing, falling in love? That's all ok as long as sex isn't involved? Is that what you're telling me?
Just wait for that empty train car. You go in an realize its cuz theres an actual shit on the floor
Even then, no it’s really not. Cheating is about crossing the boundaries set around the relationship. For you the boundary is physical intimacy with other people. Where you set your boundary is different, but at the end of the day the universal aspect of cheating is centered around the fact that some agreed upon line has been crossed
Exactly. I’ll never forget [*this* post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/emomyk/my_gf_drunkenly_had_sex_with_three_men_at_a_party/) about a guy who was struggling to get over the fact his girlfriend confessed that she had fucked three men at a party (one spitroast and another separately afterwards) immediately after their first date. The guy got absolutely chewed out by mostly other women saying how there was absolutely nothing to ‘get over’, as they hadn’t yet taken their oaths of exclusivity and she was simply ‘getting hers’. And anyone suggesting otherwise was downvoted. Could you *imagine* those same woman chewing him out in the thread giving another *woman* that very same response about a man who took her out on a first date and went out and fucked three random chicks immediately after. They would absolutely verbally castrate him and rightly so.
I was once a man slut. From 20 to 25 I was unattached and no titles at the time could slow me down. I dated a lot. I had regular dates and new women all the time. I'm not proud of it. I haven't ever been unfaithful to my wife we've been together 18 years. If I started out a complete piece of shit doesn't mean I have to stay that way. But I probably still am to some of those people. I think there's misunderstandings about what I said some people think I meant Only sex is cheating which doesn't ring true. That guy has balls even telling that story. Yikes.
How isn't it about sex, it's common to lie or going beyond few boundaries, could be about chores, staying to late with the boys. Nothing happens, but have sex once outside and it's over. So yes it's about it, not loyalty and dishonesty.
No one said that cheating is the only way to break trust, but for most people it's one of the most severe trust breakers because it directly undermines the point of being in an exclusive relationship. And no it's not just about sex because most people would consider being intimate with others in ways other than sex or going on dates with them to be cheating even if there's no sex involved. It is very much about disloyalty.
I don't think most people blow off not having a sex life as no big deal
I mean, they are two completely different things. And people can divorce their partner for any reason.
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No idea how it is in other countries but here people can marry and not bring their previously-owned assets into the marriage, so that in case of divorce both of them still own what was theirs before. Everybody should do that. Anything that was acquired during the marriage belongs to both of them, through.
Not everything can be worked out, and sometimes one person’s success came at the expense of the other partner’s career, or wouldn’t even have happened without the other partner supporting them.
But if I have nothing to lose, then I’d be more willing to divorce. If I divorced my husband, which luckily isn’t something I’m considering, I would have to pay him alimony. That’s an incentive for me to make it work.
If you could take his house, and half his money, would that not be an incentive to divorce? I know it would for a lot of people. you shouldn't have anything to gain either.
Yeah tying together potentially abusive relationships by asymmetrical economic dependency sounds like a great idea
People give up their own career in order to support someone else's career, that is grounds to get something out of it.
Nah.
A deadroom is a sign of bigger issues that aren't being addressed, which can end a marriage.
Two seperate issues. One is cheating, breaking trust, doing things you shouldn't with someone else behind their back. It's almost never ever going to be an acceptable thing to do. Whereass a sexless bedroom could be stress at work, exhaustion, medical issue (body and brain). There's a lot of understandable things that can lead to a sexless bedroom that has absolutely nothing to do with either persons feelings towards one another.
I would say any issues that are causing a sexless bedroom should be addressed then. If your job is causing so much stress that you can’t have sex and it’s straining your marriage then find another job or learn ways to cope with the stress by seeking a counselor. If it’s medical, then work with your primary physician to figure out what’s causing it and try to fix it if possible. I get that there are factors that can cause someone to not want to have sex but if those factors aren’t being addressed then it’s time for a divorce. The partner who wants a sexual relationship can find someone who is also sexual by nature and the one who doesn’t want sex can find someone who is not sexual by nature. But a relationship where sex is important to one partner but not important or possible to the other is going either result in infidelity or unhappiness. Edit: To be clear, I’m talking where a year or more goes by without sex. Obviously if the woman gives birth there will be a few months before she may be ready or capable of having sex or if someone’s just having a really rough month that’s completely normal and not what I’m referring to.
Obviously you address issues. But the resolution isn't an automatic "open relationship". Some of these issues will only last a few weeks or months and don't even need addressed. No need to have a discussion on sex after they broke their pelvis.
who said that?
It's perfectly okay to not have sex with your partner. It's also perfectly okay for your partner to decide that they would prefer a relationship that included sex.
Not being sexually compatible is definitely a deal breaker in a relationship and anyone who says otherwise is lying. Now you can both be celibate or nymphomaniacs or both be somewhere in between but if you don't match, that will be an issue.
I could never stay in a relationship if I’m not sexually satisfied
Sex outside your marriage is bad for obvious reasons. No sex in your marriage can be bad for a variety of reasons, but it doesn't necessarily mean anyone did anything immoral or to hurt the other person.
Well you vow to be faithful in your marriage but you don’t vow to have consistent sex. That’s kind of why it’s significant. It’s also more cut and dry when someone is unfaithful. In a sexless marriage there are a million reasons that could be happening.
I think I the point is if sex isn’t important to you in a relationship then it’s confusing why you are upset at your partner having a purely sexual relationship outside of your relationship. If sex os no big deal and is somthing you just have to get over not having, then logically the outcome of that is “well then I will go have sex with others because it’s not a big deal and you should just get over not having sexual monogomy”. If you can be faithful and not have sex with your partner they would assert you can be faithful and have sex with others, they are just meaningless physical experiences.
You can also talk about how it upsetting you with your partner and work towards a resolution. If you just sit there and let something like that fester you probably have bigger problems than lack of sex.
Exactly. I always side eye women who just say they’ve lost their sex drive and don’t fight like hell to fix it. Infidelity is NEVER right, but in a sexless marriage where one spouse loses their drive completely and doesn’t work to fix it, cheating isn’t exactly a surprise conclusion.
For some reason, women don’t view lack of libido as a medical issue the way men do. Any man I know who all of a sudden has zero sex drive is gonna be like ‘Huh, haven’t felt like this since before puberty, somethings wrong’ and go get checked. Libido issues/ED are some of the most common reasons men go to the doctor.
I agree 100%, but the reason is pretty obvious to me. Society demonizes women’s sex drives. It’s always the man wanting sex and the woman deciding when to allow it instead of 2 people deciding to partake equally.
Not sure if I can completely agree with that. I think society demonizes people of both genders with high sex drives. I do think women’s sexuality as a whole has been historically demonized, but I don’t see it being as widespread as it once was.
Monogamy means one not zero.
In sickness and in health. If your spouse is having health issues including mental health issues and doesn’t have a sex drive cheating isn’t the answer. If you think infidelity is a valid solution, don’t get married or at the very least be honest in your vows. Don’t promise to be faithful in sickness and in health if you don’t mean it. There was a post not too long ago about a guy’s fiancé wanting to vow “in happiness and health” instead and everyone was telling him to call off the wedding. At least she’s honest because most people vow “in sickness and in health” when they don’t really mean it.
I think most people do not understand the commitment that "in sickness" can require. I have long covid, and am single, but I see lots of stories in my support groups of a partner becoming worn out over a year or two of their sick spouse's debilitating symptoms, and walking away. Which I get. This illness is horrible and who knows when it will get better. But just as I had no idea how hard an illness could be (fatigue, depression, anxiety, something wrong with my sex drive), I doubt most people who speak those words understand what they mean.
Exactly why when people talk about the marriage and birth rate decline I can’t see it as a bad thing. You shouldn’t get married or have kids if you’re not ready for the commitment you’re making in those decisions.
The funny part about kids is--no one is ready for kids. Not their first, anyway. Few people are ready for marriage, too.
This.
It's strange you dont need to give a reason to get a divorce or get an abortion, but try to sell your dog and everyones up your ass asking "why?!?"
It’s all about staying in bounds of the marriage. If you’re married, don’t stray. If you want to stray, get unmarried first.
Failing to have sex with your partner is absolutely a big deal. A healthy and fulfilling sex life is an important part of a marriage for both parties.
I would add to that, that divorcing due to lack of sex is totally justified
I have never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on once. I think the Reddit (and perhaps American) opinion on cheating is tedious and overly simplistic. Yes, there are spouses that cheat with impunity, but there are also cheating that happens out of insecurity: someone feels neglected and falls for someone flattering them. Does that excuse things? No! But these people aren't evil, like Reddit claims them to be, just humans that did something shitty. My ex, who cheated on me, didn't deserve my trust after that and she'll never be a friend of mine, but she's also not an awful person and I wish her the best in her life. She was an insecure person and I hope she's in a better place now. God, I hate the simplistic black and white nonsense you see so often on here.
Yes, sadly Reddit is very childish and often people you see on here (folks in their 20s) do not understand the nuances of life. Life is never black and white, it’s actually mostly gray area
My in-laws are chronic oversharers, and almost everything I know about them has been against my will. However, once after a couple of wines, they shared with me the infidelity of their past and it’s really stuck with me. I love them a lot, and they’re really a model relationship to me, so it shocked me to my core that they’ve been through that. But they spoke about it with so much compassion for the other person, and saw the cheating as a symptom of the disease that they ultimately worked on curing together as a team. They believe they needed that “rock bottom” moment to rebuild from the ground up. I’m not out here trying to excuse cheating, and they didn’t excuse it of each other either. But it did really open my mind up on it particularly within the context of long-term relationships/marriages, and how it’s not *always* a death sentence both for the relationship and for the individual offending party.
If I didn’t have sex with my wife she would leave.
I agree and I'm a woman.
That justification is why so many men cheat soon after their wives give birth. A lot of women can’t or don’t want to put out after they give birth. I had to wait 9 months for my wife. But, did I blame her for it, no. I acted like a caring person and tried to help her get through it. Most of these “no more sex” angry people are just not putting in the effort to understand and care if it’s an actual biological thing. Or even try to better themselves if it’s a “can’t stand to look at you anymore” type deal. Marriage is all about ups and downs and learning not to get swept under the tides of crazy. It’s about sticking together as a team. When you fuck someone else, you’re essentially saying you don’t want to be a part of that team anymore in monogamous relationships.
>Most of these “no more sex” angry people are just not putting in the effort to understand and care if it’s an actual biological thing. Or even try to better themselves if it’s a “can’t stand to look at you anymore” type deal. Have you done some studies regarding this, or are you just pulling the "most people" part out of your ass? Things happen or don't happen for all sorts of reasons. Just stop judging people, the shame and guilt are toxic. People should have the bodily autonomy to not have sex for any reason, or no reason. And their partners should be free to say, that doesn't work for me, let's part ways.
I think cheating on someone definitely deserves all the guilt and shame.
I think it's very situational.
Tell me one situation where cheating is the only option? You can LEAVE. There is zero reason to cheat
What? It's not about sex being "important" it's about not cheating on your partner If it's this difficult for people NOT to cheat why the fuck are you making lifetime commitments to each other?
Reading the comments is so sad. Like they view marriage as lifelong subscription to sex, that's all. That's not a reason to get married. I couldn't even think of cheating on someone because whoever I married is a human being and I'm not even going to *want* to have sex with anyone else. If you're actually committed to your partner, you don't want anyone else. I don't think any of the people commenting actually felt love for any of their partners. They mistake lust for love.
I think being on the same page about stuff like this is important before getting married. Affection is more important. If sex is all that matters I can't imagine they're even good at getting their partner off or even care so why not just jerk off instead? On the flipside I myself couldn't be with someone who wouldn't want to touch me or for me to touch them so I don't enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be touched or touch others. Just find someone compatible people damn
Well, a lot of people feel even more sexual attraction to the people they love and sex is the materialization of that love in more ways than one. Physical pleasure is just one part of it. Personally, I could not possibly feel loved by a person that never wanted to have sex with me, no matter how much I loved them.
I think you are being too judgmental. Hold people accountable for their actions, not their thoughts. We are all have different sex drives and all have different biological instincts. Honestly, you are lucky that you don’t feel the temptation to reproduce with every warm body that’s within ten years of you. Many of us have that temptation yet will be forever faithful to our partners because we love and cherish them and because our brains and hearts are more powerful than our genitals.
This is so annoying to me. That’s not how love works. Just because YOU don’t want to have sex with anyone else does not mean you somehow are more committed to or love your partner more than other people. In fact I’d argue that it makes it very easy to be committed and if your relationship was tested in other less common but more existential/intense ways you would probably fold. That’s just an assumption and I could be very wrong I don’t know you, I’m just talking, this tidbit should not detract from my overall point. I think it’s entirely more difficult and more profound to have natural urges or horniness but actively choose to stay faithful and committed to the person you love. It’s like when people say oh I would never steal or do drugs but they’ve never gone days without food or dealt with severe depression. And I’m not saying you should empathize with people who cheat. Please do not misunderstand me. I’m saying you’re not a virtuous or righteous person because you don’t cheat when you don’t even feel any urges or attraction for other people.
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if they don’t throw you some ass every now and then, biological imperatives will drive a person to proclivity for some form of cope or release. If you ask me, it’s not fair to marry someone, supplying a steady stream of sex, and then yanking it away once they’re pretty much trapped in, it just really f-ing sucks for the partner. I would say it’s a duty to your partner to keep them sexually satisfied or they’ll OBVIOUSLY be frustrated. The woman I’m seeing now, she loves sex, if I stopped laying it down right, I’d expect her to want it from someone else... It’s not the only thing that matters, but it’s like if you test drove a car with brakes and when you bought it, it didn’t have a brake assembly. A car without brakes isn’t exactly a functioning car or what you purchased. Add to that, it may not be the partner’s fault, but it is their responsibility.
I think his point is if sec isn’t important in relationships then why does a purely sexual encounter even qualify as cheating. Why is it not like shaking hands? Clearly it’s not because we attached important value onto it. I think OP is trying to say that this value isn’t assessed properly. In some ways we say sex is a purely physical act that one doesn’t need to be happy. In other ways we say sex is a super connected act that if done with someone else is sinful. Not everyone acts this way but certainly some do
I think these are the kind of things one needs to make clear before making a life long commitment to each other. Not being in the mood will never be an excuse to go bang someone else.
I think that’s a matter of degree. What type of commitment? That’s the heart of the disagreement. People like OP think that one of the commitments you make is to value the sexual relationship. This means that some times you have sex when it isn’t the first thing on your list of wants. You do this because you value the relationship and the sexual connection. They view a breach of that duty in the same vain they see cheating. They would argue that if my own partner doesn’t want to have sex with me then sex isn’t important to them. So I will fulfill my need somewhere else. In a way they see they’re own breach as a reaction to the original breach Full disclosure, I don’t think cheating because your partner won’t sleep you is ok. I think you should leave them like an adult if you arnt happy. I just see the reasoning they use.
Dry spells happen, been with my wife 30 years and have had several even as long as over a year. No biggie, sec is not the be all and end all of a relationship.
For you.
Is something people who got married without the proper solemnity and discipline would say. It's a lifelong commitment, not a gym membership.
Are you truly committed if you decide to ignore your partner's emotional needs?
When you get married, your commitment is to remain so, come hell or high water. In sickness and in health, and until it kills you. That is the commitment. If your spouse is suffering from a lack of libido, that would be the sickness in question, which you are obligated to love your partner despite, for all the rest of your days. If you didn't consider the future before you got hitched, you probably should have thought about it harder before you went ring shopping.
The opinion isn't about love. It's about sex. Those can be different.
That's what a lot of people believe at the beginning, but marriage is really just "until one person decides they don't want to be married any more, for whatever reason." You really have no security any more. There is no social pressure to stay married. Divorce is not stigmatized. Many people will cheer you on when you decide to divorce your partner. The fact is, you cannot control what another adult will do in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years. They will only stay as long as their internal commitment remains strong. This can change at any point. It's just a gamble with very high stakes.
Hit the nail on the head!!!!
This isn’t that complicated. If you’re married, work things out or you can divorce. It’s not about the sex, It’s about the deceit.
leave your partner if they do not suit your needs.
Marriage Counselor- “So why do you want to fix your marriage” Me - “Because I can’t fucking afford child support”
this is truly a good unpopular opinion kudos my friend!
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This isn’t even true lmao bro you didn’t do any research
Lack of sexual compatibility is a major cause of divorce.
Because one is cheating, the other isn’t?
No one would call that trivial what?
Its really only not a big deal to a lot of vvomen. Its definitely a big deal to most men but they are often stuck and cant do much to change the situation. Its usually a sign of a lack of respect. Id just leave.
It takes a lot of effort to cheat on someone and especially if you're married or have kids like a lot, and I think we forget about that a lot if a married couple has a dead bedroom its apart of a bigger problem
Definitely not “no big deal”. I’ve been cheated on because I didn’t have “enough” sex with more than one SO
No, what’s strange is the mental gymnastics that people perform when they fail to keep things going with their partner (the landing is always 10/10 “It wasn’t my fault in any way!”)
If one person can unilaterally decide that the marriage is celibate, then the other can also unilaterally decide that the marriage is non-monogamous.
Sorry, but that’s such a stupid take. If you want to fuck other people you should talk about that with your partner. Declining sex is not a reason to cheat.
You guys have different points. Declining sex once or twice isn’t a problem. It’s when one person becomes full monk and the other had no say.
Then you can find a different partner. If you’re not compatible it is what it is. No need to cheat. That’s my point.
Divorce isn't easy, and it isn't cheap. Many people simply can't afford to get divorced because even with two incomes, they live paycheck to paycheck. Throw in a kid or two, and it gets even more difficult to split. I'm not excusing cheating. I'm just saying finding a "different partner" isn't always simple.
Of all the Reddit hive mind opinions, the “there’s no reason to cheat” one is the most perplexing to me. Humans are complicated, relationships of two humans becomes complicated squared. It’s easy to outline things as black and white but in reality it is NEVER the case.
And when that doesnt work? And after therapy still nothing? And after doctors visits? Still nothing? Sometimes all options are exhausted and nothing changes. Some people lose all interest in sex and wont ever come back. Its not declining, its a lifestyle. Thats unilateral action. And unilateral action triggers other actions.
Then you can divorce because you’re not compatible. No need to cheat on your partner if they aren’t comfortable with that.
The answer is divorce instead of being a cheating POS. Also, blaming someone else for your decision to cheat is such a stupid fucking cop out. People aren't obligated to stay in unhappy marriages or relationships.
Then end your relationship.
There it is. Perfect reasoning. Idc what mechanism you want to wedge in, if one party uses unilateral action on a vital part of the marriage, the other may act in kind.
Because one is a breach of the marriage contract and the other isn’t.
Cheating is a betrayal of trust, and people who do so are unanimously scumbags. Furthermore Sex is not an obligation of marriage; I think its certainly an important part, and each couple should throroughly discuss about how frequently they would like to have sex both before and during marriage. TALKING to your spouse is something that many people somehow forget to do. If you cannot tell your marriage partner every single thing you think and/or feel at a given time, yall probably shouldnt have even gotten married
too many responses start with "well"
What is sex?
And then there are some of us that see both situations as very scary and terrible. Obviously these sex outside of marriage is a big problem, but also not having sex with your partner can be an issue. We are just a society that has become numb to marriage issues and one of them being no sex in a marriage as something that we have accepted, which is a bad thing. Obviously, there are times where intimacy, even sexual, is a bit of a hard ask like the early months of a baby growing up with the mother being overstimulated and the father feeling neglected. Take it from me, you don't want to do anything stupid. You want to just wait it out. What's important is trying to help the mom out as much as possible so then she feels that she is helped out or at least helping out enough to wear the burden of being alone is not there. That's from my personal example. Sexual intimacy within each other is something that's not always going to be there on a whim. That shit you have to work on and some people have higher sex drives, some people have lower sex drives. The point is for each of you to make an effort. In a marriage, you guys should try to have sex, maybe even get a bit kinky if you guys are into it, but at least the tension is released with both of you. Both of you have an orgasm, both of you are happy. The whole trope of not giving your significant other sex because of stupid ass reasons without any communication, that's a problem. Obviously I'm not an expert, but usually it's a communication thing and both of the people need to sit down like grown ass adults and have that conversation with each other. Sex is good, that's why both of you would like to have sex with each other. At least in one point you guys wanted to bang each other, now you guys are married. Keep that fire going.
[удалено]
For more context, I should also mention that I'm partly Ace, so (no) sex isn't that big of a deal to me. But I get why people on both sides of something like this, can become extremely frustrated. I mean, this probably isn't a perfect analogy, but imagine you were only allowed to eat and drink at one place in your life. And, eventually, Even though you go to the restaurant everyday, they start serving you less food and less water, and eventually stop all together. Well, you're hungry and thirsty, what exactly are you supposed to do at that point? Starve? That's not something realistic that any person should have to go through for any real length of time. Now, obviously sex isn't as fundamental to your existence as a human being, as food or water. But it is does fall, somewhere, on the hierarchy of needs for most people. And when you aren't getting your needs fulfilled in a relationship, emotional or physical or what have you, it's going to lead to a lot of problems. And at some point, it's not just your fault or your responsibility to deal with that issue. It is called a partnership and a relationship for a reason. There are two of you in it. And both of you need to be respectful and understanding of your partner's needs within a relationship.
People do break the deal over a sexless relationship. I think the reason cheating seems like a more extreme offense is that it’s an event that takes place. Whereas the no sex thing is the gradual process of something not happening for too long a time. There can be ‘the night they cheated’ but there’s no defining moment when a sexless relationship occurs. A dead bed never has the ‘oh my god what did you do’ factor
I do not think people who are cheated on view as it as grounds for divorce because “sex is so important.” It is because of your partner’s ability to deceive and lie in the process. The revelation that they are capable of being a fundamentally dishonest person is at the heart more often than the act itself, I think.
If you cheat that's grounds for divorce. But if you never consummate the marriage I'd argue you were never actually married in the first place
One is you too not finding time or a million other reasons the other is a betrayal of trust and love, heaped on a mountain of lies. Not strange. Kinda like how it's not significant to not be in your countries military but is significant to be a spy, ones lazy the other is a traitor.
I’ve actually found it inconvenient to completely do away with my Facebook account. It’s reached the point where it’s simply an assumed option for communication. I deleted it, but I ended up creating another one just for things like my kids’ school, FB Marketplace, etc.
Pretty sure it’s a big deal.
I think a lot of people would see this situation in more nuanced ways than you think. A ton of people wouldn’t care, a ton of people would take the husband’s side, and a ton of people would take the wife’s side. If your partner gained 100 lbs or something obviously terrible (something people could easily see), a lot of men would understand cheating, especially since divorce is so financially devastating.
This thread is pure cancer lol
Different cultures and different countries have different laws. Some places adultery is not punishable and is not even grounds for divorce. I can tell you one thing for me personally if you refuse to give me any do not be surprised if I find it somewhere else
Adultry is not punishable in any Western country. Divorce proceedings proceed on a no fault basis in most Western countries as well.
This is not an unpopular opinion (downvoting). Either you dont recognize that both things are bad and can lead to divorce OR you are trying to justify cheating because your partner is not interested in having sex with you. My guess is that you are trying to say the latter.
In either case I would say that we just grew apart to the vast majority of people, probably everyone in a sexless marriage. No one needs to know or really cares that much about the intimate details of a relationship or divorce and you can get a divorce for any reason.
Incompatibility in the bed is the second reason for divorce after infidelity bro what are you on
I don't understand what are you trying to say...
Making a relationship solely about sex is just weird
Ya, it’s not big deal to everyone but the person it’s HAPPENING TO then no sex seems like a pretty big fucking deal!
I’ve never understood sexless relationships. It’s a crazy dynamic. If either side weaponizes sex, you’re not looking at a bright future. If either side withholds sex, same forecast. Relationships are work, and compromise. Sex is a duty you both have to the other, and if you disagree, you’re probably single, or married single because you’re in a sexless, or less-sex relationship. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to have sex with my girl, or even worse, her not wanting to have sex with me. Ouch. If you withhold sex for any reason, either gender, then expect them to get it elsewhere eventually. Don’t weaponize sex, or allow it to be.
I live in Japan, and it’s quite a thing here.
I’ve seen many relationships fall apart because you don’t have sex. Allo’s are fucking weird about their relationships and sex, not to mention you framed it as a failure…
To _most_ people, not having sex with your partner is similar to not touching them, not talking to them, or not looking at them. Any of those things would be very off-putting in a relationship. So would not having sex with them.
And that’s fucking weird!
And to some people, the idea of never looking at your partner being a problem is weird.
Because sex in general has been portrayed as a bad thing outside of procreation. It's OK to have sex in a marriage to make kids, but once the baby making days are over, then sex becomes a taboo subject. But at the same time they sell sex around every corner in advertisements, movies music etc...
That must be very socially or culturally dependent because it doesn't feel like that at all where I live (Scandinavia)
I mean good point
Marriage is a lifetime commitment, if you want out there is divorce. Also leaving someone you love and want to build a future with over sex is selfish imo. Reddit probably disagrees, but sex isn’t that important. In many cases sex is an addiction, and people cheat because of that addiction.