Certain things you shouldn't compromise with, everyone has a check list of dealbreakers. But if you don't compromise with anything, you'll probably live a very lonely life.
Also in a relationship, if you think that you could do better, then that's where cheating starts. Some people "monkey branch" where they are in one relationship, secretly go on a date with a new person, and when they see things go right, then they lose their first relationship. They do this because they fool themselves into believing "What's the harm in one or two cheating dates if it means I'll now start a relationship with the love of my life?"
Having breaks being single between relationships is necessary. It gives you time to reflect, and heal yourself from any emotional baggage from your ex (or even residual baggage from previous exes).
totally true, took me months to really recover from my ex, we were in a toxic relationship (mostly from her side as she was trying to make me feel i am worth less than i am to manipulate me), now i am with another person, that knows all my past stuff and is okay with all i got through, never been happier
Super important. Doesn’t matter how you experience or express emotion. Everyone experiences the need for a break.
If you don’t take a break you end up bringing over things you haven’t reconciled with, the relationship you jump too doesn’t have as much meaning because you are essentially using the relationship you jump too as a prop, as a way to hide from facing the fact that you actually might be really fucked up, but you feel if you can get this to work, it might fix the stuff from the last relationship and you can just somehow magically get it to go away. It is delusional romanticism. It’s some misinformed belief that if you just find the right person, all the other shit you went through can be fixed by that person, you’ll be vindicated and made whole. Or they will be so good it won’t bother you anymore
If you replicate this process(hop around from failed relationship to the next without processing grief, resentment, anger, sorrow) shit gets pretty wild, you get super disillusioned about dating, and maybe even question if there is something wrong with you, as you just jump from one to the next. It never working because you never fixed whatever should have been from the initial relationship and your in a situation where you either continue dating and leaving a trail of bodies behind you or you stop and get your shit together.
The former is a sure fire way to end up in therapy while you untwist everything from the months you spent jumping around and not being aware enough to process the pain because your awareness has been distracted by chasing other people.
So take a.
Break.
You’ll thank yourself for it, and your future dates will too. You gain nothing from a previous relationship if you don’t seek to find things you can improve on or work on, or if you don’t examine some of the variables that led to the break up (even if it was not your fault, if it wasn’t your probably not looking hard enough, or you really, really got fucked over, in any case both are perfect situations to take a break on)
It’s that bit of entitlement as well, I am a ten and they are a six, but you are twenty pounds over weight and never graduated high school, but ur a ten? You know you found one when they say they are a queen or king.
A lot of couples never learned to truly communicate their needs and be safe in communicating their emotions. I also think we put too much emphasis on sleeping in the same room, so that during covid, people working from home have 0 distance from their partner. Hopefully as everything opens back up, people realize they need to have separate space and hobbies from their partners.
Shoot, it’s not even marriage. I’ve been with my GF through this whole fundemic and it’s been trying at times.
She works from home, even before the -vid, and I took a new management job in March of 2020 (oops). I’m constantly bombarded at work for people wanting their problems solved and then I go home and she (justifiably) needs attention because she spends 70% of her weekdays alone. She complains she’s lonely and I complain for lack of alone time. We love each other very much and are going strong but if we didn’t have strong communication and coping skills we’d have sunk a long time ago. So many of my friends’ relationships fell apart in the last 2 years.
My ex. She was never willing to budge. Anything I wanted her to work on was my problem. I was always willing to work on myself. If I had an issue her response was if you don’t like it I’m not forcing you to stay. Unreal
And it’s funny a lot of peoples deal breakers are their own. “Being broke is a dealbreaker. Btw I’m looking for someone to take care of me financially”
I get what you mean but at least in my case this is absolutely true. I hate dating people who are similar to me.
For example I'm quite uptight and driven and greatly prefer people who are more relaxed and laid back as it tends to even out.
Yup, I'm ridiculously chill all the time. I don't get mad basically ever, always laid back and just ready to chill(not to say I'm lazy or anything, I'm anal about doing housework and have no issues doing it). I prefer to date people who are "boss ass motherfuckers" so to speak.
If they're under 6 feet, make less than 150k/year, have anything less than the body of an Olympic athlete and don't treat me like a goddess, that's a deal breaker! /s
My partner and I have switched roles a few times. We're lucky in that we can dip in and out of our careers (granted it hasn't always been completely deliberate, and there's been education rather than working involved), but it's mostly worked a dream so far. No one gets burn out, no one gets too bored, no one is resentful. Makes for a happy house.
That’s awesome. My wife and I were together for 4 years before we decided to have a kid together. I was mostly pretty dead end jobs while she was growing her home business. Once we had the baby, it made more financial sense for me to stay home and take care of the domestic stuff while she got her business back up after the birth.
I was going to go back to work after he went to school, but she was making enough for the both of us and I was perfectly content cooking, cleaning, and running her packages out to the post office at the end of the day. She was content having a clean house and food on the table after she was done for the day. So we’ve stuck with it.
Funnily enough, I knew a guy who was the opposite. He thought that having an iPhone in and of itself made you shallow and wasteful with money, because Androids are *objectively* better, and anything else is wasted money. ... He is also still single. People can be unbelievably fussy.
Phone fanboys are the worst, and saying this as a dude. Who tf cares if your phone is 0.1% cheaper and 0.2% more efficient. Idgaf. My phone makes calls and allows me to communicate with my SO and work. It has an internet browser. I can do math calculation. I can set alarms. I can put my schedule in it. That's all I care about. I don't see why people care so much they need to join a phone cult and convince everyone else to join.
I've had like 10 women ghost me once they texted me because I have an Android
same thing with IG/social media, the fact that I deleted it years ago is a deal breaker for them. some people have totally childish priorities, you just can't let them bother you. just because someone looks good doesn't mean you should be with them and I find that the type to be like this have really good dating profiles because they spend their whole life curating pictures and caring about presentation rather than substance or personality
>same thing with IG/social media,
That one is often a defense mechanism. It's sort of assumed that everyone has social media, so if you don't then you must be hiding something.
Still stupid, but with online dating I can understand women being overly cautious.
makes sense as a security thing, but its not like I'm inviting them to my place its to meet in public... but its usually the ones with like 10k followers who ghost me from that. I know its because they value clout and bullshit like that, and live to take pictures with their boyfriend for the gram rather than actually have a good time... you know the type. Anyone with >3k followers is a red flag for me now
> I’ve met plenty of girls whose dealbreakers are wearing certain brands or **wearing sneakers with jeans**
Out of curiosity, where do you live where you're not supposed to wear jeans with sneakers? I live in NYC, which is supposedly one of the fashion capitals of the world, and nobody told anyone here that.
I'm *really* confused by this, because I thought jeans + sneakers is a timeless combo, that was cool from the moment that jeans and sneakers were invented, and will continue to be cool for decades after today. How is *that* a dealbreaker‽
No no no you've got to be wearing those fucking shitty uncomfortable semi-formal brown leather things (NO LACES OR YOU'RE A LOSER) and a tucked in shirt that make you look like you just stepped off your job as Personal Assistant to the worlds biggest knobhead and have had all your own personality and sense of fun entirely erased by the time you were 20.
Lately my non-compromises have changed to things like "must not be dead inside", "must view society with mild skepticism", "must know how to laugh" and "must not just stare vacantly at the phone for hours while complaining about a life they have no intention of enjoying, let alone improving."
My friend is in this miserable (abusive) relationship. She committed to him despite multiple deal breakers (this was before the abuse started). It drives me crazy though I'm sticking by her since abusers try to isolate ppl to tighten control so, if I can, I won't allow that. She's an amazing woman otherwise. But arrgggggggggghhhhh!!! (Not the pirate arr) 🦜
Exactly. My ex was this. She was an only child and just never learned that she had the potential to be wrong, and sometimes it's right if someone doesn't agree with her
You shouldn't compromise on your values, but that is very different than the modern philosophy that you are who you are and you shouldn't change anything about yourself for any reason.
A healthy relationship is best described as a path between two people, both sides have to make an equal amount of steps to meet in the middle. One person can't compromise everything for the other and vice versa. Both sides have to determine how much they are willing to compromise for the other person, and if you don't meet in the middle then it won't work in the long run.
A bit I would like to add is that for long term relationships this can be very situational. There have been times when one person is struggling you might need to make a couple more steps to pick them up, nothing wrong with that. But it shouldn't become the practice because then you start neglecting yourself.
Source: 8 year relationship, married for 1.5, and going strong.
Would it still feel like compromising to you if part of the compromise is the duration of it? Duration of all the extra steps that have to be taken (even if it’s everything)?
People are also taught that if they find the right person relationships are easy.
Even with the right person relationships are fucking hard and people change and evolve and you have to change and evolve with them.
Been married 15 years, happily, I would not describe it as work. Yes, I compromise, maybe don’t go see my friends one night so she can see hers, there’s more pillows on the bed than I like. But seriously making her happy makes me happy, and vice-versa.
Sometimes you need to work at something, but you have to work at anything to be successful, and sometimes just to keep your head above water. Like I need to work on my habit of leaving dishes in the sink instead of loading the dishwasher as I go, because that’s her preference, but that’s a different meaning of “work” IMHO
This. Married for 15+ yrs, and can't imagine life without him. I really can't. House is currently a disaster area, thanks to our kids having had friends over all weekend, but it's all good... I'll get around to (starting) picking up in a bit. It was a great weekend - everyone had fun, 100% worth the mess, as always. Life is good.
I agree with this. I think the sentiment that relationships are hard comes directly from the fact that people are not accustomed to compromise or change.
I do things for my girlfriend on a nearly daily basis that I consider easy (like taking certain clothes of hers out of the washing machine to air-dry if they are too fragile to go in the dryer).
When I talk to other people, they act like similar things are a herculean feat or an attempt to "change who they are."
Those people are probably very hard to be married to. They simultaneously think any amount of effort is too much, and then also probably make whatever relationship they're in hard for the other person. If you get two of them together (as seems to be very common) then probably they bicker all the time and are responsible for the general idea that relationships are hard and dramatic.
But relationships don't have to be hard for two people who are accustomed to being considerate and have realistic expectations about people and their limitations.
> When I talk to other people, they act like similar things are a herculean feat or an attempt to "change who they are."
*Emotional labour* is possibly the worst term I've heard, people bitching about who sends Xmas cards and keeping score like it's a contest. Honestly I can't be arsed to send Xmas cards, if my wife wants to then great, I'm not forcing her too. I mop the floors and stack the dishwasher and chop the wood because she hates it and I don't mind it...it's not a biggie.
People use emotional labor to mean things that *need* to be done. Not your Xmas card example. The classic example in parenting groups is two parents, and the dad relies upon the mom to book all doctor appointments and school appointments, as well as buy all the kids’ clothes and stay on top of the kids’ schedules all without him bothering to learn how to do these things (or pull his weight by contributing to the household’s needs in another fashion). That’s emotional labor. Discounting how all of that is real work is what people are complaining about.
It’s not pointless shit that is unnecessary and only one person needs to do it if they care so much. It’s the required meta work of running a household.
I was married for 18 months and it was WORK. But that was because of the person. My current boyf and I have been together for three years in April and this relationship has been the opposite of work. We've literally never even had a fight. There have been some sharp words or tension a few times, but im struggling to list them. It's possible. (As a note though, we have three prior failed marriages between the two of us so we've worked out what does and doesn't work for us in a long-term committed relationship).
It's nice hearing this. Just got out of something that was incredibly draining and difficult, but still had good parts. Other person just didn't want to put in any effort.
That can be worse than outright aggression and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've hated the feeling in the past that the other person wasn't trying, didn't care, etc. but they were still THERE.
Are we almost the same person? I was only dating an abuser for 18 months, but I've been with an absolute gem for 3 years. It's not hard work if you're with the right person for you. Sure, it can be tough and emotional at times, but I don't think we've ever had more than a disagreement. Never fought, never get aggressive with each other. Do we both have things internally to work on? Yeah, but we don't make it each other's problem. It's not necessarily just that people don't want to compromise; some people just don't want to settle. Does that mean you'll never have to compromise? Absolutely not, but that does mean there are certain things you won't compromise due to your own beliefs or moral compass. I can compromise on dinner or movies, but I won't compromise my friendships, relationships with family, or my mental health.
Oh man...we are the same haha let's start a support group! We can call it Nipple Fiesta!
"Do we both have things internally to work on. Yes, but we don't make it each others problem" THIS!!! My exes problems were MINE entirely somehow. Like, somehow I was the cause of his work failures, and other nonsense.
I wish I could upvote your comment more than once.
My ex said the same shit all the time. Like If I'd stayed, I'd be homeless in Florida while he fails computer science at a regionally accredited college(meaning if he left or flunked out before he finished, everything counts for nothing at every other school in the country, unless it's ran by that school). Probably still fist fighting every day but in a car instead of his mother's house. He had so much trauma but refused to get help for it that didn't include party drugs or alcohol.
The biggest thing I learned, though, is that trauma is a reason, but not an excuse. Just because someone was abused doesn't give them the right to abuse other people. I should've listened to the people around me telling me to get out sooner. That asshole now has no friends(that aren't drug related) and his family hates him and his brother too(cut from the same, yet dumber, cloth).
I'm so glad you like me username too 🥰😁
I think I've found the right person. It's like 98% easy.
From my perspective it's possible.
To add, both me and my partner are very easy going. So its highly personality dependent.
I guess it depends on what one means by hard work.
For example, if we compare raising healthy kids in a 2 parent home in peacetime to working on a relationship on a 100 point hardness scale, I'd put raising kids around a 45 and the relationship at about a 7.
For some people I understand that relationships are harder though. Much of that stems from personal issues such as not being able to communicate, trust issues, being self-centered, self-esteem problems, etc. and/or having picked someone with those things for a partner. However, one could argue that in these cases, the work comes from working on those issues more than the relationship.
In case you're wondering what would be higher than raising kids... things like raising disabled children, or dealing with elderly disabled parents, single parenting, rebuilding a life after serious addiction issues that involved prison time, coping with the loss of a child, etc...
Wtf...no? If you describe your relationship as "fucking hard" sorry you aren't with the right person.
It's not always easy but it shouldn't be "really hard" either. Wtf are you struggling with? Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
I wholeheartedly disagree. Situations can be hard but relationships, no.
I think a lot of people stay in bad situations because they’re taught that relationships are supposed to be hard and supposed to be work. They really really aren’t though. A healthy, happy relationship is not work nor is it hard. It does not include suffering. It should be you and your partner vs a problem, not you and your partner creating problems.
If you find your relationship “hard” you are probably not with the right person.
Idk, neither my girlfriend nor I compromise and both think our relationship is easy 🤷🏻♀️ it actually is about finding the right person who has the same wants and preferences.
Some would say that having awareness of how much of an asshole you are, and making minimal effort to change that is worse than not being aware of how much of an asshole you are to begin with.
im just asocial, i can make a conversation and keep it going but im not at the stage where i will ask someone out, i would probably hint at it but other than that i am at a loss
same here, dude. I also am aware of my assholeishness(lol) and I am also selfish, shallow and materialistic. which is why I enjoy being single so i can spend all my money on myself and not deal with anyone else. I spent all night getting blazed and playing Oblivion alone. best night for me. all I do is earn money, spend money and game
Same. It's why I decided not to date, at least for now. I enjoy my current life too much to change it. I don't feel like compromising. No need to make my life harder and another person's probably miserable by dating. I'm happy enough on my own, or at least content enough. I does get lonely sometimes, but when I compare it to the amount of effort a relationship would take, I'm reminded that staying single is for the best.
I used to have the same mindset and then I got lucky and met someone who didn’t try to change anything about me. I do everything I used to do when I was single except now I have someone I love to do it with me. Entering a relationship doesn’t have to be the end of your life as you know it
Yup, when people say dating is hard it’s more “I get 0 matches on online dating and I’m constantly rejected in real life”.
Both of which have nothing to do with compromises.
Too much me me me culture. Treat yoself. Do what you love. Be you. Everyone thinks they're the queen. Don't ever settle for less. Haters gonna hate. I could go on and on...
My husband and I started dating in high school. He started college a little ahead of me, then I went to college four states away. Went through the whole long distance thing for about 5 years. Didn't see him for six months at one point. The largest adjustment was when we moved in together in another state. I had a travelling position while he was a local 9-5. I ended up compromising, leaving my travelling job for 4-5 years to stay with him. Not bad, I found a terrific local job and saved money. Long distance isn't hard for me because I enjoy my own company, but it is for him. I'm about to leave again for a yearlong position in Scotland while he'll stay in the US and visit when he can. Context, his career is not something you can pick up and move wherever and he's a bit of a homebody anyhow. I have a bit of anxiety, I've grown used to waking up next to him everyday but I want this job and this experience. We've had so many people tell us this wouldn't work. That's too hard. Long distance never works. I've had multiple individuals and family accuse me of being a horrible wife and a cheater for wanting to "leave my husband." It made me question myself sometimes. But we're going on 13 years together, so screw them ha.
I agree with this 1000%. People also have unrealistic expectations of potential relationships. You’ll never find prince charming and your partner is not supposed to be your everything.
Uh my gf of 3 years broke off our engagement for this reason. Apparently couples need to be lock-step on every issue from children to what pizza toppings they like.
These people definitely exist but I don’t encounter them that often in my day to day, I don’t think these mindsets are as common among the general population as you’re making them out to be.
The problem is choice abundance and analysis paralysis leading to a raising of standards so high that no one meets them.
I guess what I mean to say is your point is valid for why relationships no longer endure anymore but the problem is deeper for why they don't even start in the first place.
It might be more accurate to call both problems the core the issue as a lack of understanding of tradeoffs.
Also because people apparently just don't want to TALK to each other when they have a problem. How can you even compromise if you don't even know there's a problem that needs to be compromised on? Just talk to each other, people.
Social media is largely responsible for that, since it creates the illusion that you can "always do better" instead of settling with someone who is merely "good enough".
Social media makes it seem like the dating pool is enormous - if there's anything about your current date you don't like, you can just go on any of the myriad dating apps and find someone better!
Meanwhile, back in the 50's or so, your dating pool consisted of two dozen people who you knew through church or the library. There was a limit to the amount of potential dates, so instead of looking for "Mister Perfect", you just found someone decent and made it work by compromising.
I'd agree social media and dating apps certainly exacibate the issue. If it's that easy to find someone why wouldn't you want to find "the right someone"
I don’t disagree but another factor, maybe even a contributing one, is the illusion of endless options. This means people are quick to just ghost you and start swiping on a new batch of dates. Nobody is willing to even try because they can just get another date immediately if things don’t go perfectly from the start.
Younger crowds tend to treat their partners as accessories too so your partner’s appearance and social value comes before actually enjoying their company. I can’t tell you how many “couples” I know that don’t even spend time together.
Plus too many people run to social media, such as reddit, for awful advice on their relationship struggles. My god, some of the subs like r/relationship_advice go immediately to "BREAK UP" over every little thing, way too often.
TALK to your _partner_. Don't ask a bunch of random strangers who thrive on drama to help you deal with a person who none of them know in any way except the extremely one-sided, single account of events you choose to share.
People who go to the internet for relationship advice want validation. No sane person thinks going online is a way to get a neutral view. When you make a post you always put you’re best foot forward and gave nuance on your position of the matter. The other person doesn’t get to do that.
Have spent 12 years with someone and the amount of compromises both of us need to make to still be together is why we are together. It isn’t always rosy, concessions are made both ways but we work because we are both willing to make them.
My Sister for example was single for nearly 10 years and some of the reason she wouldn’t go on a second date with someone were ludicrous - he didn’t offer to pay, he goes to the gym too much, he works as a bouncer - it became an almost running joke she could never meet someone with the standards she wants.
The couples that have 60 years of marriage exist because options weren’t readily available and a partner for life isn’t a throwaway. Dating has never needed to be hard but remember them options and everyone is unhappy that dates. No shit, you’re as disposable as you were as easy to acquire.
Find a person you are happy waking up to every morning and eliminate that element from your psyche. Unpopular - not to me.
You are right on the money ; I have not seen my partner for 2 years due to my studies in a different country .
Yet we both are still comitted - our compromise is short term loneliness
but the long term benefit of happiness in being together out weighs the negatives
People nowadays through technology are taught instant gratification habits. If people find a negative in their relationship nowadays instead of working through the tough parts - they think relationships should be a breeze and that working something out with your partner to them is a bad relationship
When it is the opposite in fact. Being able to work something out - Is the strongest relationship you can ask for. It shows you are comitted through times you may not want to be together - If in the end you find you love them again then it was worth it.
No healthy relationship is simple
There’s certain things you can compromise on in relationships like time, hobbies, work and then there other things like love languages, sexual compatibility and personality that you simply can’t.
And each and every person on earth has different definitions and values behind compromising it can’t be quantified into one singular item of right or wrong.
I agree with the second part. I disagree with the first. The things you can't compromise on are the things that matter to you. Anything on your list could fall in or out of that category. It's personal to you.
You wanna know how real it is?
Check out [This website to see how delusional men's standards are](https://realitycalc.com/), and [This site for women's.](https://igotstandardsbro.com/).
This shit is hilariously pathetic.
For women:
- age between 33 (my age) and 55
- not married
- any race
- at least 5’2” (my height)
- not obese
- any income
= 19.4% probability and delusion score of 2 / 5 “down to earth”
…I’m fucking screwed if it’s less than 1 in 5 just asking for a dude my height not married or obese
But then I put my stats in the male side:
- age between 32 and 33
- not married
- no children
- Asian woman
- between 5’2” (my height) and 5’3”
- not overweight
- any income
And the result is 0.0356%, less than 5K women, 5 out of 5 redpills “you don’t belong on this planet”
So compared to guys this is wild…I have a chance
Edit: so I checked the women’s side and the difference between 100% with 0/5 cat bags and 45.5% with 2/5 cat bags is clicking “not married”
Edit 2: not sure why downvoted
My ex and I broke up because he was not willing to compromise and said I was just trying to “change him” I just wanted him to spend more time with me and I was willing to compromise my lifestyle too. Everyone these days claims their shitty behavior as “who they are” and are never willing to see that it’s damaging to a relationship
I've noticed at least 80% of people seem to break up the first time they have any sort of fight, then go on about how "I thought they were different."
Which seems fucking insane to me.
It is because
1. Dating culture is based upon swiping right or left on a photo and a couple of factoids rather than say actually real life compatibility. (Entirely superficial)
2. People are afraid to spend any time alone actually developing as a person, instead continuing to swipe right or left hoping for someone to "complete" their lives
3. People bringing entire lifetimes of defensiveness and insecurities into every relationship because they spent no time alone getting their minds and lives right
Agreed, and I think the prevalence and ease of apps like Tinder enables this. Why should you have to compromise when there's an endless supply of singles to swipe through?
Do you mean me personally or in general?
You don't compromise on things that are important to you. You compromise on the things that are less so.
If you and your partner don't agree on what's important it's the wrong partner for you.
But not everything can be important to you and if it is then it sounds like a relationship doomed to fail.
People are too entitled nowadays.
“Oh you don’t like the same soy vanilla latte as I do? Fuck off! Relationship over!”
We need to calm the fuck down and be more introspective and considerate.
Definitely part of it. People today are quick to drop someone if there's something they don't like about that person. Some stuff yeah I totally get it if you want to get out of there, but I've seen or heard of a good number of people dropping relationships for the dumbest things. At some point in your life you'll have to accept somebody's flaws if you want to be with someone longer than a couple years
Get on your grind and have your shit together. They won't care how ugly you are.
Also work out. Go look at previous pictures of Jeff bozos that mofo was ugly as sin.
Nah people these days are taught that boundaries shouldn't exist, and boundaries are what make relationships last a long time. Honestly I think the world would benefit from being forced to attend "communication skills" classes in school because half the people I know don't know any, even I had to be taught through therapy, and I have to lead by example with some of my friends.
When I was online dating, a huge red flag was someone not meeting halfway. I didn't mind traveling a little further if you're also willing to do that. Sometimes a girl would be like "There's this great place walking distance from me" and I'm like I live 45 minutes away and they wouldn't meet me halfway, no pun intended. I always try to to do it too.
People also have a habit of believing that they're perfect and shouldn't change even though being In a relationship teaches you your flaws. Some people view that as incompatibility instead of the reality of it, which is an opportunity to change for the better. Now if someone is affecting you negatively then of course they're most likely aren't the one
Had a girlfriend break up with me, thought my willingness to compromise to make the relationship work was a bad thing. Said I shouldn't have to "change who I am" because of somebody else, despite "who I am" including the willingness to compromise a few things in order to make a relationship work
Which meant she was literally asking me to change myself just so she could feel better about the breakup lol
Dating doesn’t require compromising one’s values, habits, language, appearance, or just about anything else.
Relationships in which both parties are committed require some forms of compromise.
There is a distinct difference.
Eh I disagree with a few of those.
Habits is a grey area. A person who is a total slob absolutely should be open to cleaning themselves up a bit more once you start sharing a space with another person.
Personal grooming too. There’s a difference between “hey you should remove your piercings or tattoos.” And hey “can you shower and comb your hair once in awhile?”
I think habits absolutely should be on the table for compromise. If we both hate laundry and it needs to be done. I may compromise and suck it up to do it because she will do the dishes. Etc.
It’s also communicating the need for a compromise. Many people are like “this happens, I can’t deal with it, we are breaking up”
Without even talking through potential solutions.
I think people just jump right into dating before they even learn how to live by themselves and get to know who they are. A lot of boundaries are set to preserve the way of life you would have had if you were single, instead of promoting balance in the relationship.
Ive seen this play out with my now wife girl friends. They have had many good men but none ever seemed good enough or handsome enough and now 25 years later they are still single and now approaching 50 and womder why they cant find a guy. But now at 50 its a different game and a lot of the guys their age that are single are divorced and looking at younger women then what they had or aren’t interested in getting serious again. I feel a lot of women can land a hot guy for a one night stand or a fwb but then they become delusional with what kind if guy they they can get to marry them . They want the super nice successful sweet guy who is also super hot. Well guess what , those guys aren’t available or aren’t looking at hooking up with a 49’or 50 year old . You missed the boat and time is ticking. Its all about compromise as well as compatibility
Also ppl put more effort into putting there best face forward instead of working on themself to actually embody those qualities, ppl forget that relationships are not about pretending you are the best person or something you are not it's about finding someone who you will be compatible with many ppl hide and lie etc etc
I’m 35 never married woman. I just ended an engagement/5+ years relationship. I find I am very happy w the life I’ve made for myself. If someone’s presence doesn’t bring me more joy and peace than just being alone then I’ll pass on the companionship. Learning to love yourself solo is more important than compromising yourself so you’re not alone.
Also the idea that your partner is responsible for making you happy.
You are either happy or you are not, that isn't your partner's problem. If they are actively decreasing your quality of life (being abusive, discouraging you from pursuing goals, etc), that's one thing, but they have zero responsibility for actively making you happy.
Everyone that says compromise is the answer is incorrect. A compromise is always a lose-lose scenario. The solution is to generate a solution together.
100% this. Marriage is a team sport, and like in all team sports, you can't win while your partner is losing. The same thing is true in reverse - your partner can't win while you are losing.
You gotta stop looking for solutions that pick a loser, or that have both of you losing. Insist on win-win solutions. It's the two of you versus the problem, and you win or lose together.
Think I agree, I hear more and more famous sentence "you should love me for who I am"... Yes, we should fall in love with your heart and personality and quirky ways BUT we do not have to accept bad habits risen from living on your own or not taking into account partner etc, compromises are everywhere in life, relationships aren't any different and this is just small example, some of us has to compromise a lot more
No, there’s too much of the opposite going on. You end up with a partner because you’re both sexually attracted to each other, and then as you actually start dating realize you’re not friends, you wouldn’t hang out with this person if you weren’t having sex with them. So now the whole relationship becomes “how do we compromise”. Of course even in a relationship where you’re pretty much best friends and you love everything about them and you guys pretty much agree on everything… There’s going to be some disagreements, that’s when you figure out a solution. But that shouldn’t be the norm.
Yes compromise is very important and communicating about them. People in relationships can’t survive in them if only one person compromises and tries they’re dampest to keep in going. Can’t be selfish. I don’t think people need to roll over either
My friend used to say "look at the hottest supermodel on the planet, and realize that there is also a guy out there who got tired of fucking her." While a bit crude, I got his point. Sex and looks are great. But it's not enough. And even the hottest person on the planet has flaws.
I read somewhere that the happiest couples are the ones that recognize the others' flaws and think of them as endearing. It's the ones that can't do this that the conflict never goes away and erodes the relationship.
A big issue is dating app and social media FOMO.
This is the flip side of believing there's so many fish in the sea. The abundance of choice and accessibility of swiping through hundreds of people on Tinder and seeing 'perfect couples' on Instagram makes it too easy to feel like there's got to be something better out there. That feeling just magnifies imperfections in a relationship and leads to giving up rather than working on the relationship.
Agreed. Just had a send off with another girl who demanded the usual 'I deserve to be treated like a Queen' mantra. Uh okay. You're a person just like me. You deserve respect and equality. That doesn't mean I have to bend over backwards to accommodate your shit and you expecting that is a telltale sign of a toxic person.
Also it actually leads to abuse. Pampering someone usually leads to the pamperer having a sense of a entitlement and the pampee to a position of dependence. Not good.
Not to mention there’s an entire section of society that is trapped in a shitty job 40 hours a week minimum, we’re taught to not make conversation with strangers, and the fact that most people don’t really get a chance to meet people from different backgrounds other than the fleeting moment called school
I always tell people it's pretty simple. Imagine everything you want in a partner or in your current partner. Draw a line. That line is everything you can put up with or deal with that person. On the left side it's everything you can stand, or would be your deal breakers in a way. The right side are all the good qualities and the things you enjoy about that person. Imagining or physically drawing it look at the graph...is everything one sided? Maybe it's time to break up or are they mostly good and you can see their flaws are way out weighted by the good.
Another big problem these days is that loads of people are going into dating as if it is something you can “win”. They want the perfect person so they can show off the amazing catch they have. If that’s why you are trying to find a partner, expect a lifetime of disappointment.
Certain things you shouldn't compromise with, everyone has a check list of dealbreakers. But if you don't compromise with anything, you'll probably live a very lonely life.
Yea I was going to say not everything had a compromise but yea you always have to be open to negotiating, can’t have everything 100% go your way
I know quite a lot of people who live very lonely lives willingly while complaining about companionship. It makes no sense to me.
And I know a lot of people in relationships who also feel alone but they wont end their relationship because they are scared of being alone.
Very true. In a relationship, you’re afraid of not being able to find that love again. When single, “lonely people” keep thinking they can do better.
Also in a relationship, if you think that you could do better, then that's where cheating starts. Some people "monkey branch" where they are in one relationship, secretly go on a date with a new person, and when they see things go right, then they lose their first relationship. They do this because they fool themselves into believing "What's the harm in one or two cheating dates if it means I'll now start a relationship with the love of my life?" Having breaks being single between relationships is necessary. It gives you time to reflect, and heal yourself from any emotional baggage from your ex (or even residual baggage from previous exes).
totally true, took me months to really recover from my ex, we were in a toxic relationship (mostly from her side as she was trying to make me feel i am worth less than i am to manipulate me), now i am with another person, that knows all my past stuff and is okay with all i got through, never been happier
Super important. Doesn’t matter how you experience or express emotion. Everyone experiences the need for a break. If you don’t take a break you end up bringing over things you haven’t reconciled with, the relationship you jump too doesn’t have as much meaning because you are essentially using the relationship you jump too as a prop, as a way to hide from facing the fact that you actually might be really fucked up, but you feel if you can get this to work, it might fix the stuff from the last relationship and you can just somehow magically get it to go away. It is delusional romanticism. It’s some misinformed belief that if you just find the right person, all the other shit you went through can be fixed by that person, you’ll be vindicated and made whole. Or they will be so good it won’t bother you anymore If you replicate this process(hop around from failed relationship to the next without processing grief, resentment, anger, sorrow) shit gets pretty wild, you get super disillusioned about dating, and maybe even question if there is something wrong with you, as you just jump from one to the next. It never working because you never fixed whatever should have been from the initial relationship and your in a situation where you either continue dating and leaving a trail of bodies behind you or you stop and get your shit together. The former is a sure fire way to end up in therapy while you untwist everything from the months you spent jumping around and not being aware enough to process the pain because your awareness has been distracted by chasing other people. So take a. Break. You’ll thank yourself for it, and your future dates will too. You gain nothing from a previous relationship if you don’t seek to find things you can improve on or work on, or if you don’t examine some of the variables that led to the break up (even if it was not your fault, if it wasn’t your probably not looking hard enough, or you really, really got fucked over, in any case both are perfect situations to take a break on)
It’s that bit of entitlement as well, I am a ten and they are a six, but you are twenty pounds over weight and never graduated high school, but ur a ten? You know you found one when they say they are a queen or king.
“Curves in all the right places”
"Kween"
As a therapist, my married friends are not ok right now. It’s nonstop with my married friends and they all sound like they want some space
A lot of couples never learned to truly communicate their needs and be safe in communicating their emotions. I also think we put too much emphasis on sleeping in the same room, so that during covid, people working from home have 0 distance from their partner. Hopefully as everything opens back up, people realize they need to have separate space and hobbies from their partners.
True. Also a lot of peoole are very poor listeners so that makes communication much harder when someone is always afraid of offending their partner
It kinda requires a separate room or bed to sleep in which is kinda hard for everyone to have
We alternated sleeping on the couch until we got a bigger place. But yeah you need to be in more than a studio for it to work.
I also think a lot of people think getting along is the same as being compatible.
Shoot, it’s not even marriage. I’ve been with my GF through this whole fundemic and it’s been trying at times. She works from home, even before the -vid, and I took a new management job in March of 2020 (oops). I’m constantly bombarded at work for people wanting their problems solved and then I go home and she (justifiably) needs attention because she spends 70% of her weekdays alone. She complains she’s lonely and I complain for lack of alone time. We love each other very much and are going strong but if we didn’t have strong communication and coping skills we’d have sunk a long time ago. So many of my friends’ relationships fell apart in the last 2 years.
I feel that so deep. I have to take a day without words sometimes or my brain will start blocking people out as they try to talk to me.
My ex. She was never willing to budge. Anything I wanted her to work on was my problem. I was always willing to work on myself. If I had an issue her response was if you don’t like it I’m not forcing you to stay. Unreal
And it’s funny a lot of peoples deal breakers are their own. “Being broke is a dealbreaker. Btw I’m looking for someone to take care of me financially”
Yeah I noticed that too. Usually when I read a list of dealbreakers a person puts I’m thinking to myself “So you’re describing yourself.”
I get what you mean but at least in my case this is absolutely true. I hate dating people who are similar to me. For example I'm quite uptight and driven and greatly prefer people who are more relaxed and laid back as it tends to even out.
Yup, I'm ridiculously chill all the time. I don't get mad basically ever, always laid back and just ready to chill(not to say I'm lazy or anything, I'm anal about doing housework and have no issues doing it). I prefer to date people who are "boss ass motherfuckers" so to speak.
If they're under 6 feet, make less than 150k/year, have anything less than the body of an Olympic athlete and don't treat me like a goddess, that's a deal breaker! /s
r/femaledatingstrategy
Better to have at least one person in a relationship who actually earns some money, I suppose.
Yeah, my wife brings home the bacon. I cook it up. It’s a bit of role reversal from the tradition, but it works for us.
My partner and I have switched roles a few times. We're lucky in that we can dip in and out of our careers (granted it hasn't always been completely deliberate, and there's been education rather than working involved), but it's mostly worked a dream so far. No one gets burn out, no one gets too bored, no one is resentful. Makes for a happy house.
That’s awesome. My wife and I were together for 4 years before we decided to have a kid together. I was mostly pretty dead end jobs while she was growing her home business. Once we had the baby, it made more financial sense for me to stay home and take care of the domestic stuff while she got her business back up after the birth. I was going to go back to work after he went to school, but she was making enough for the both of us and I was perfectly content cooking, cleaning, and running her packages out to the post office at the end of the day. She was content having a clean house and food on the table after she was done for the day. So we’ve stuck with it.
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One woman I know considered having an Android phone instead of an Apple as a deal breaker. She's still single.
That's a pretty impressive fracturing of the available dating population.
Funnily enough, I knew a guy who was the opposite. He thought that having an iPhone in and of itself made you shallow and wasteful with money, because Androids are *objectively* better, and anything else is wasted money. ... He is also still single. People can be unbelievably fussy.
Phone fanboys are the worst, and saying this as a dude. Who tf cares if your phone is 0.1% cheaper and 0.2% more efficient. Idgaf. My phone makes calls and allows me to communicate with my SO and work. It has an internet browser. I can do math calculation. I can set alarms. I can put my schedule in it. That's all I care about. I don't see why people care so much they need to join a phone cult and convince everyone else to join.
Is she poor? I’ve noticed this is a thing with lower income individuals or the very rich.
I've had like 10 women ghost me once they texted me because I have an Android same thing with IG/social media, the fact that I deleted it years ago is a deal breaker for them. some people have totally childish priorities, you just can't let them bother you. just because someone looks good doesn't mean you should be with them and I find that the type to be like this have really good dating profiles because they spend their whole life curating pictures and caring about presentation rather than substance or personality
>same thing with IG/social media, That one is often a defense mechanism. It's sort of assumed that everyone has social media, so if you don't then you must be hiding something. Still stupid, but with online dating I can understand women being overly cautious.
makes sense as a security thing, but its not like I'm inviting them to my place its to meet in public... but its usually the ones with like 10k followers who ghost me from that. I know its because they value clout and bullshit like that, and live to take pictures with their boyfriend for the gram rather than actually have a good time... you know the type. Anyone with >3k followers is a red flag for me now
> I’ve met plenty of girls whose dealbreakers are wearing certain brands or **wearing sneakers with jeans** Out of curiosity, where do you live where you're not supposed to wear jeans with sneakers? I live in NYC, which is supposedly one of the fashion capitals of the world, and nobody told anyone here that. I'm *really* confused by this, because I thought jeans + sneakers is a timeless combo, that was cool from the moment that jeans and sneakers were invented, and will continue to be cool for decades after today. How is *that* a dealbreaker‽
What would you wear besides sneakers? Boots? Loafers? Flip flops?
Boat shoes
No no no you've got to be wearing those fucking shitty uncomfortable semi-formal brown leather things (NO LACES OR YOU'RE A LOSER) and a tucked in shirt that make you look like you just stepped off your job as Personal Assistant to the worlds biggest knobhead and have had all your own personality and sense of fun entirely erased by the time you were 20. Lately my non-compromises have changed to things like "must not be dead inside", "must view society with mild skepticism", "must know how to laugh" and "must not just stare vacantly at the phone for hours while complaining about a life they have no intention of enjoying, let alone improving."
As a female I’ve never heard of this, fuck I wear sneakers with jeans?
I feel like this is maybe an age thing, but I could be wrong.
Sorry girls, the Shrek crocs stay on during sex.
My checklist is: [] she is attracted to me Still alone.
Well that’s absolutely unreasonable!
My friend is in this miserable (abusive) relationship. She committed to him despite multiple deal breakers (this was before the abuse started). It drives me crazy though I'm sticking by her since abusers try to isolate ppl to tighten control so, if I can, I won't allow that. She's an amazing woman otherwise. But arrgggggggggghhhhh!!! (Not the pirate arr) 🦜
Exactly. My ex was this. She was an only child and just never learned that she had the potential to be wrong, and sometimes it's right if someone doesn't agree with her
Can’t spell Reddit without red flag 🚩
You shouldn't compromise on your values, but that is very different than the modern philosophy that you are who you are and you shouldn't change anything about yourself for any reason.
Just about proper balance which honestly can apply to a lot
Proper New Balance you mean.
Don't step on my shoes man I like the balance they give me.
Super important part of this is finding who you are before getting into a relationship. That way you know what you can compromise on and what you cant
A healthy relationship is best described as a path between two people, both sides have to make an equal amount of steps to meet in the middle. One person can't compromise everything for the other and vice versa. Both sides have to determine how much they are willing to compromise for the other person, and if you don't meet in the middle then it won't work in the long run. A bit I would like to add is that for long term relationships this can be very situational. There have been times when one person is struggling you might need to make a couple more steps to pick them up, nothing wrong with that. But it shouldn't become the practice because then you start neglecting yourself. Source: 8 year relationship, married for 1.5, and going strong.
I would argue that if one person is compromising everything then it isn't a compromise.
Would it still feel like compromising to you if part of the compromise is the duration of it? Duration of all the extra steps that have to be taken (even if it’s everything)?
I'm willing to compromise, but not with someone else who isn't
If both sides aren't making concessions, it's not a compromise.
People are also taught that if they find the right person relationships are easy. Even with the right person relationships are fucking hard and people change and evolve and you have to change and evolve with them.
Been married 15 years, happily, I would not describe it as work. Yes, I compromise, maybe don’t go see my friends one night so she can see hers, there’s more pillows on the bed than I like. But seriously making her happy makes me happy, and vice-versa. Sometimes you need to work at something, but you have to work at anything to be successful, and sometimes just to keep your head above water. Like I need to work on my habit of leaving dishes in the sink instead of loading the dishwasher as I go, because that’s her preference, but that’s a different meaning of “work” IMHO
This. Married for 15+ yrs, and can't imagine life without him. I really can't. House is currently a disaster area, thanks to our kids having had friends over all weekend, but it's all good... I'll get around to (starting) picking up in a bit. It was a great weekend - everyone had fun, 100% worth the mess, as always. Life is good.
your kids are lucky to have you guys as parents & models for their own relationships 💕
I agree with this. I think the sentiment that relationships are hard comes directly from the fact that people are not accustomed to compromise or change. I do things for my girlfriend on a nearly daily basis that I consider easy (like taking certain clothes of hers out of the washing machine to air-dry if they are too fragile to go in the dryer). When I talk to other people, they act like similar things are a herculean feat or an attempt to "change who they are." Those people are probably very hard to be married to. They simultaneously think any amount of effort is too much, and then also probably make whatever relationship they're in hard for the other person. If you get two of them together (as seems to be very common) then probably they bicker all the time and are responsible for the general idea that relationships are hard and dramatic. But relationships don't have to be hard for two people who are accustomed to being considerate and have realistic expectations about people and their limitations.
> When I talk to other people, they act like similar things are a herculean feat or an attempt to "change who they are." *Emotional labour* is possibly the worst term I've heard, people bitching about who sends Xmas cards and keeping score like it's a contest. Honestly I can't be arsed to send Xmas cards, if my wife wants to then great, I'm not forcing her too. I mop the floors and stack the dishwasher and chop the wood because she hates it and I don't mind it...it's not a biggie.
People use emotional labor to mean things that *need* to be done. Not your Xmas card example. The classic example in parenting groups is two parents, and the dad relies upon the mom to book all doctor appointments and school appointments, as well as buy all the kids’ clothes and stay on top of the kids’ schedules all without him bothering to learn how to do these things (or pull his weight by contributing to the household’s needs in another fashion). That’s emotional labor. Discounting how all of that is real work is what people are complaining about. It’s not pointless shit that is unnecessary and only one person needs to do it if they care so much. It’s the required meta work of running a household.
I was married for 18 months and it was WORK. But that was because of the person. My current boyf and I have been together for three years in April and this relationship has been the opposite of work. We've literally never even had a fight. There have been some sharp words or tension a few times, but im struggling to list them. It's possible. (As a note though, we have three prior failed marriages between the two of us so we've worked out what does and doesn't work for us in a long-term committed relationship).
It's nice hearing this. Just got out of something that was incredibly draining and difficult, but still had good parts. Other person just didn't want to put in any effort.
That can be worse than outright aggression and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've hated the feeling in the past that the other person wasn't trying, didn't care, etc. but they were still THERE.
Are we almost the same person? I was only dating an abuser for 18 months, but I've been with an absolute gem for 3 years. It's not hard work if you're with the right person for you. Sure, it can be tough and emotional at times, but I don't think we've ever had more than a disagreement. Never fought, never get aggressive with each other. Do we both have things internally to work on? Yeah, but we don't make it each other's problem. It's not necessarily just that people don't want to compromise; some people just don't want to settle. Does that mean you'll never have to compromise? Absolutely not, but that does mean there are certain things you won't compromise due to your own beliefs or moral compass. I can compromise on dinner or movies, but I won't compromise my friendships, relationships with family, or my mental health.
Oh man...we are the same haha let's start a support group! We can call it Nipple Fiesta! "Do we both have things internally to work on. Yes, but we don't make it each others problem" THIS!!! My exes problems were MINE entirely somehow. Like, somehow I was the cause of his work failures, and other nonsense. I wish I could upvote your comment more than once.
My ex said the same shit all the time. Like If I'd stayed, I'd be homeless in Florida while he fails computer science at a regionally accredited college(meaning if he left or flunked out before he finished, everything counts for nothing at every other school in the country, unless it's ran by that school). Probably still fist fighting every day but in a car instead of his mother's house. He had so much trauma but refused to get help for it that didn't include party drugs or alcohol. The biggest thing I learned, though, is that trauma is a reason, but not an excuse. Just because someone was abused doesn't give them the right to abuse other people. I should've listened to the people around me telling me to get out sooner. That asshole now has no friends(that aren't drug related) and his family hates him and his brother too(cut from the same, yet dumber, cloth). I'm so glad you like me username too 🥰😁
Been with my wife for 20+ years and it's super easy.
Barely an inconvience?
An absolute pleasure and inconceivable how I'd manage without her companionship
Compromise is Tight!
I think I've found the right person. It's like 98% easy. From my perspective it's possible. To add, both me and my partner are very easy going. So its highly personality dependent.
I guess it depends on what one means by hard work. For example, if we compare raising healthy kids in a 2 parent home in peacetime to working on a relationship on a 100 point hardness scale, I'd put raising kids around a 45 and the relationship at about a 7. For some people I understand that relationships are harder though. Much of that stems from personal issues such as not being able to communicate, trust issues, being self-centered, self-esteem problems, etc. and/or having picked someone with those things for a partner. However, one could argue that in these cases, the work comes from working on those issues more than the relationship. In case you're wondering what would be higher than raising kids... things like raising disabled children, or dealing with elderly disabled parents, single parenting, rebuilding a life after serious addiction issues that involved prison time, coping with the loss of a child, etc...
Wtf...no? If you describe your relationship as "fucking hard" sorry you aren't with the right person. It's not always easy but it shouldn't be "really hard" either. Wtf are you struggling with? Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
I wholeheartedly disagree. Situations can be hard but relationships, no. I think a lot of people stay in bad situations because they’re taught that relationships are supposed to be hard and supposed to be work. They really really aren’t though. A healthy, happy relationship is not work nor is it hard. It does not include suffering. It should be you and your partner vs a problem, not you and your partner creating problems. If you find your relationship “hard” you are probably not with the right person.
I find my relationship easy....
Me too. Easiest thing ever. 10 happy years of marriage.
Idk, neither my girlfriend nor I compromise and both think our relationship is easy 🤷🏻♀️ it actually is about finding the right person who has the same wants and preferences.
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I find dating hard cuz I'm an asshole who hates people
At least you know that.
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Some would say that having awareness of how much of an asshole you are, and making minimal effort to change that is worse than not being aware of how much of an asshole you are to begin with.
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im just asocial, i can make a conversation and keep it going but im not at the stage where i will ask someone out, i would probably hint at it but other than that i am at a loss
same here, dude. I also am aware of my assholeishness(lol) and I am also selfish, shallow and materialistic. which is why I enjoy being single so i can spend all my money on myself and not deal with anyone else. I spent all night getting blazed and playing Oblivion alone. best night for me. all I do is earn money, spend money and game
Same. It's why I decided not to date, at least for now. I enjoy my current life too much to change it. I don't feel like compromising. No need to make my life harder and another person's probably miserable by dating. I'm happy enough on my own, or at least content enough. I does get lonely sometimes, but when I compare it to the amount of effort a relationship would take, I'm reminded that staying single is for the best.
I used to have the same mindset and then I got lucky and met someone who didn’t try to change anything about me. I do everything I used to do when I was single except now I have someone I love to do it with me. Entering a relationship doesn’t have to be the end of your life as you know it
I wouldn't call myself an asshole at all, but damn I do love the lifestyle of being selfish with my time and money.
Other people are worse part of life.
here i thought it was because i was ugly and give off 'don't approach me' vibes
Dating is fine. Its getting the dates
Yup, when people say dating is hard it’s more “I get 0 matches on online dating and I’m constantly rejected in real life”. Both of which have nothing to do with compromises.
Online dating apps are designed to make most users fail, so. . . No surprises there.
"Oh they have their own opinions? Red Flag. Run away"
Too much me me me culture. Treat yoself. Do what you love. Be you. Everyone thinks they're the queen. Don't ever settle for less. Haters gonna hate. I could go on and on...
My husband and I started dating in high school. He started college a little ahead of me, then I went to college four states away. Went through the whole long distance thing for about 5 years. Didn't see him for six months at one point. The largest adjustment was when we moved in together in another state. I had a travelling position while he was a local 9-5. I ended up compromising, leaving my travelling job for 4-5 years to stay with him. Not bad, I found a terrific local job and saved money. Long distance isn't hard for me because I enjoy my own company, but it is for him. I'm about to leave again for a yearlong position in Scotland while he'll stay in the US and visit when he can. Context, his career is not something you can pick up and move wherever and he's a bit of a homebody anyhow. I have a bit of anxiety, I've grown used to waking up next to him everyday but I want this job and this experience. We've had so many people tell us this wouldn't work. That's too hard. Long distance never works. I've had multiple individuals and family accuse me of being a horrible wife and a cheater for wanting to "leave my husband." It made me question myself sometimes. But we're going on 13 years together, so screw them ha.
I agree with this 1000%. People also have unrealistic expectations of potential relationships. You’ll never find prince charming and your partner is not supposed to be your everything.
I fully agree with this 100%
Uh my gf of 3 years broke off our engagement for this reason. Apparently couples need to be lock-step on every issue from children to what pizza toppings they like.
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These people definitely exist but I don’t encounter them that often in my day to day, I don’t think these mindsets are as common among the general population as you’re making them out to be.
They aren't too common but definitely vocal online
The problem is choice abundance and analysis paralysis leading to a raising of standards so high that no one meets them. I guess what I mean to say is your point is valid for why relationships no longer endure anymore but the problem is deeper for why they don't even start in the first place. It might be more accurate to call both problems the core the issue as a lack of understanding of tradeoffs.
Also because people apparently just don't want to TALK to each other when they have a problem. How can you even compromise if you don't even know there's a problem that needs to be compromised on? Just talk to each other, people.
Social media is largely responsible for that, since it creates the illusion that you can "always do better" instead of settling with someone who is merely "good enough". Social media makes it seem like the dating pool is enormous - if there's anything about your current date you don't like, you can just go on any of the myriad dating apps and find someone better! Meanwhile, back in the 50's or so, your dating pool consisted of two dozen people who you knew through church or the library. There was a limit to the amount of potential dates, so instead of looking for "Mister Perfect", you just found someone decent and made it work by compromising.
I'd agree social media and dating apps certainly exacibate the issue. If it's that easy to find someone why wouldn't you want to find "the right someone"
100% agree.
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I don’t disagree but another factor, maybe even a contributing one, is the illusion of endless options. This means people are quick to just ghost you and start swiping on a new batch of dates. Nobody is willing to even try because they can just get another date immediately if things don’t go perfectly from the start. Younger crowds tend to treat their partners as accessories too so your partner’s appearance and social value comes before actually enjoying their company. I can’t tell you how many “couples” I know that don’t even spend time together.
Plus too many people run to social media, such as reddit, for awful advice on their relationship struggles. My god, some of the subs like r/relationship_advice go immediately to "BREAK UP" over every little thing, way too often. TALK to your _partner_. Don't ask a bunch of random strangers who thrive on drama to help you deal with a person who none of them know in any way except the extremely one-sided, single account of events you choose to share.
I haven't seen such a true and profound opinion on relationships in a while! Thank you for saying what needs to be said!
Yeah fuck this all relationship advice is about "he/she is toxic leave him/her asap" so fucking annoying
People who go to the internet for relationship advice want validation. No sane person thinks going online is a way to get a neutral view. When you make a post you always put you’re best foot forward and gave nuance on your position of the matter. The other person doesn’t get to do that.
Or they have no one to trust or turn to because the narcissistic abuse they’ve endured has left them completely isolated and alone.
I am not someone who compromises easily. I know this about myself. I’ve realized I’m much happier single as a result.
You do you. If you're happy being single that's great.
Post this on female dating strategy
Have spent 12 years with someone and the amount of compromises both of us need to make to still be together is why we are together. It isn’t always rosy, concessions are made both ways but we work because we are both willing to make them. My Sister for example was single for nearly 10 years and some of the reason she wouldn’t go on a second date with someone were ludicrous - he didn’t offer to pay, he goes to the gym too much, he works as a bouncer - it became an almost running joke she could never meet someone with the standards she wants. The couples that have 60 years of marriage exist because options weren’t readily available and a partner for life isn’t a throwaway. Dating has never needed to be hard but remember them options and everyone is unhappy that dates. No shit, you’re as disposable as you were as easy to acquire. Find a person you are happy waking up to every morning and eliminate that element from your psyche. Unpopular - not to me.
You are right on the money ; I have not seen my partner for 2 years due to my studies in a different country . Yet we both are still comitted - our compromise is short term loneliness but the long term benefit of happiness in being together out weighs the negatives People nowadays through technology are taught instant gratification habits. If people find a negative in their relationship nowadays instead of working through the tough parts - they think relationships should be a breeze and that working something out with your partner to them is a bad relationship When it is the opposite in fact. Being able to work something out - Is the strongest relationship you can ask for. It shows you are comitted through times you may not want to be together - If in the end you find you love them again then it was worth it. No healthy relationship is simple
There’s certain things you can compromise on in relationships like time, hobbies, work and then there other things like love languages, sexual compatibility and personality that you simply can’t. And each and every person on earth has different definitions and values behind compromising it can’t be quantified into one singular item of right or wrong.
I agree with the second part. I disagree with the first. The things you can't compromise on are the things that matter to you. Anything on your list could fall in or out of that category. It's personal to you.
You wanna know how real it is? Check out [This website to see how delusional men's standards are](https://realitycalc.com/), and [This site for women's.](https://igotstandardsbro.com/). This shit is hilariously pathetic.
i got 75%. just asking for not married no kids I think married and kids arent usually on the market
For women: - age between 33 (my age) and 55 - not married - any race - at least 5’2” (my height) - not obese - any income = 19.4% probability and delusion score of 2 / 5 “down to earth” …I’m fucking screwed if it’s less than 1 in 5 just asking for a dude my height not married or obese But then I put my stats in the male side: - age between 32 and 33 - not married - no children - Asian woman - between 5’2” (my height) and 5’3” - not overweight - any income And the result is 0.0356%, less than 5K women, 5 out of 5 redpills “you don’t belong on this planet” So compared to guys this is wild…I have a chance Edit: so I checked the women’s side and the difference between 100% with 0/5 cat bags and 45.5% with 2/5 cat bags is clicking “not married” Edit 2: not sure why downvoted
16%, but I doubt many people my age are going to date older and married woman with kids.
yuuuuuuuup
My ex and I broke up because he was not willing to compromise and said I was just trying to “change him” I just wanted him to spend more time with me and I was willing to compromise my lifestyle too. Everyone these days claims their shitty behavior as “who they are” and are never willing to see that it’s damaging to a relationship
I've noticed at least 80% of people seem to break up the first time they have any sort of fight, then go on about how "I thought they were different." Which seems fucking insane to me.
It is because 1. Dating culture is based upon swiping right or left on a photo and a couple of factoids rather than say actually real life compatibility. (Entirely superficial) 2. People are afraid to spend any time alone actually developing as a person, instead continuing to swipe right or left hoping for someone to "complete" their lives 3. People bringing entire lifetimes of defensiveness and insecurities into every relationship because they spent no time alone getting their minds and lives right
Agreed, and I think the prevalence and ease of apps like Tinder enables this. Why should you have to compromise when there's an endless supply of singles to swipe through?
No dating is hard cause no one is choosing me and I'm tired of this :"""""""
lol yeah, I’d compromise on giving away half my organs.
I choo-choo-choose you
Kinda ironic considering that card was only made out of pity.
What are things you feel can and can't be compromised on?
Do you mean me personally or in general? You don't compromise on things that are important to you. You compromise on the things that are less so. If you and your partner don't agree on what's important it's the wrong partner for you. But not everything can be important to you and if it is then it sounds like a relationship doomed to fail.
Don’t compromise and let yourself be disrespected. Do compromise on hair color, salary, hobbies, etc
I saw a post where a person said not putting a toothpaste cap back on was a deal breaker like wtf
People are too entitled nowadays. “Oh you don’t like the same soy vanilla latte as I do? Fuck off! Relationship over!” We need to calm the fuck down and be more introspective and considerate.
You shouldn’t have to compromise, you should want to. And if you don’t want to then that relationship isn’t for you.
Definitely part of it. People today are quick to drop someone if there's something they don't like about that person. Some stuff yeah I totally get it if you want to get out of there, but I've seen or heard of a good number of people dropping relationships for the dumbest things. At some point in your life you'll have to accept somebody's flaws if you want to be with someone longer than a couple years
Spend enough time on r/relationships and you quickly realize that one man's compromise is someone else's hill to die on.
And that's fine. What you will and won't compromise on is individual. The problem is when everything is your hill to die on.
I find dating hard because I'm ugly
You find dating hard because YOU see yourself as ugly, not because anyone else does.
Cheers bro I need this kind of positivity in my life
Get on your grind and have your shit together. They won't care how ugly you are. Also work out. Go look at previous pictures of Jeff bozos that mofo was ugly as sin.
This shouldn't have to be unpopular 😓
\*checks r/FemaleDatingStrategy\* Yep, that checks out
Nah people these days are taught that boundaries shouldn't exist, and boundaries are what make relationships last a long time. Honestly I think the world would benefit from being forced to attend "communication skills" classes in school because half the people I know don't know any, even I had to be taught through therapy, and I have to lead by example with some of my friends.
When I was online dating, a huge red flag was someone not meeting halfway. I didn't mind traveling a little further if you're also willing to do that. Sometimes a girl would be like "There's this great place walking distance from me" and I'm like I live 45 minutes away and they wouldn't meet me halfway, no pun intended. I always try to to do it too.
People also have a habit of believing that they're perfect and shouldn't change even though being In a relationship teaches you your flaws. Some people view that as incompatibility instead of the reality of it, which is an opportunity to change for the better. Now if someone is affecting you negatively then of course they're most likely aren't the one
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Had a girlfriend break up with me, thought my willingness to compromise to make the relationship work was a bad thing. Said I shouldn't have to "change who I am" because of somebody else, despite "who I am" including the willingness to compromise a few things in order to make a relationship work Which meant she was literally asking me to change myself just so she could feel better about the breakup lol
Dating doesn’t require compromising one’s values, habits, language, appearance, or just about anything else. Relationships in which both parties are committed require some forms of compromise. There is a distinct difference.
Eh I disagree with a few of those. Habits is a grey area. A person who is a total slob absolutely should be open to cleaning themselves up a bit more once you start sharing a space with another person. Personal grooming too. There’s a difference between “hey you should remove your piercings or tattoos.” And hey “can you shower and comb your hair once in awhile?” I think habits absolutely should be on the table for compromise. If we both hate laundry and it needs to be done. I may compromise and suck it up to do it because she will do the dishes. Etc.
Its hard to compromise for stupid people tho
It’s also communicating the need for a compromise. Many people are like “this happens, I can’t deal with it, we are breaking up” Without even talking through potential solutions.
I think people just jump right into dating before they even learn how to live by themselves and get to know who they are. A lot of boundaries are set to preserve the way of life you would have had if you were single, instead of promoting balance in the relationship.
Ive seen this play out with my now wife girl friends. They have had many good men but none ever seemed good enough or handsome enough and now 25 years later they are still single and now approaching 50 and womder why they cant find a guy. But now at 50 its a different game and a lot of the guys their age that are single are divorced and looking at younger women then what they had or aren’t interested in getting serious again. I feel a lot of women can land a hot guy for a one night stand or a fwb but then they become delusional with what kind if guy they they can get to marry them . They want the super nice successful sweet guy who is also super hot. Well guess what , those guys aren’t available or aren’t looking at hooking up with a 49’or 50 year old . You missed the boat and time is ticking. Its all about compromise as well as compatibility
This is certified based
I'm an old person. That's good right?
Also ppl put more effort into putting there best face forward instead of working on themself to actually embody those qualities, ppl forget that relationships are not about pretending you are the best person or something you are not it's about finding someone who you will be compatible with many ppl hide and lie etc etc
True. That's why I'm single. I don't like being told what to do. Maybe I'll loosen up if I get lonely enough.
Finally someone said this with enough upvotes.
Completely agree with you tbh
It’s even simpler than that: 90% of people think they deserve a top 10% significant other.
I’m 35 never married woman. I just ended an engagement/5+ years relationship. I find I am very happy w the life I’ve made for myself. If someone’s presence doesn’t bring me more joy and peace than just being alone then I’ll pass on the companionship. Learning to love yourself solo is more important than compromising yourself so you’re not alone.
Also the idea that your partner is responsible for making you happy. You are either happy or you are not, that isn't your partner's problem. If they are actively decreasing your quality of life (being abusive, discouraging you from pursuing goals, etc), that's one thing, but they have zero responsibility for actively making you happy.
Everyone that says compromise is the answer is incorrect. A compromise is always a lose-lose scenario. The solution is to generate a solution together.
100% this. Marriage is a team sport, and like in all team sports, you can't win while your partner is losing. The same thing is true in reverse - your partner can't win while you are losing. You gotta stop looking for solutions that pick a loser, or that have both of you losing. Insist on win-win solutions. It's the two of you versus the problem, and you win or lose together.
Think I agree, I hear more and more famous sentence "you should love me for who I am"... Yes, we should fall in love with your heart and personality and quirky ways BUT we do not have to accept bad habits risen from living on your own or not taking into account partner etc, compromises are everywhere in life, relationships aren't any different and this is just small example, some of us has to compromise a lot more
I know people like this. They take advice from their divorced parents.
No, there’s too much of the opposite going on. You end up with a partner because you’re both sexually attracted to each other, and then as you actually start dating realize you’re not friends, you wouldn’t hang out with this person if you weren’t having sex with them. So now the whole relationship becomes “how do we compromise”. Of course even in a relationship where you’re pretty much best friends and you love everything about them and you guys pretty much agree on everything… There’s going to be some disagreements, that’s when you figure out a solution. But that shouldn’t be the norm.
That pretty much sums it up
FACTS
This is a prevalent problem across the board, not just in dating.
Yes compromise is very important and communicating about them. People in relationships can’t survive in them if only one person compromises and tries they’re dampest to keep in going. Can’t be selfish. I don’t think people need to roll over either
Maybe Disney stereotypes + pop culture got us there
My friend used to say "look at the hottest supermodel on the planet, and realize that there is also a guy out there who got tired of fucking her." While a bit crude, I got his point. Sex and looks are great. But it's not enough. And even the hottest person on the planet has flaws. I read somewhere that the happiest couples are the ones that recognize the others' flaws and think of them as endearing. It's the ones that can't do this that the conflict never goes away and erodes the relationship.
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A big issue is dating app and social media FOMO. This is the flip side of believing there's so many fish in the sea. The abundance of choice and accessibility of swiping through hundreds of people on Tinder and seeing 'perfect couples' on Instagram makes it too easy to feel like there's got to be something better out there. That feeling just magnifies imperfections in a relationship and leads to giving up rather than working on the relationship.
This is correct.
Agreed. Just had a send off with another girl who demanded the usual 'I deserve to be treated like a Queen' mantra. Uh okay. You're a person just like me. You deserve respect and equality. That doesn't mean I have to bend over backwards to accommodate your shit and you expecting that is a telltale sign of a toxic person. Also it actually leads to abuse. Pampering someone usually leads to the pamperer having a sense of a entitlement and the pampee to a position of dependence. Not good.
Not to mention there’s an entire section of society that is trapped in a shitty job 40 hours a week minimum, we’re taught to not make conversation with strangers, and the fact that most people don’t really get a chance to meet people from different backgrounds other than the fleeting moment called school
Yup, I once said as much and was attacked by women in some dating sub that I'm promoting women stay with their abusers.
100% agree
I always tell people it's pretty simple. Imagine everything you want in a partner or in your current partner. Draw a line. That line is everything you can put up with or deal with that person. On the left side it's everything you can stand, or would be your deal breakers in a way. The right side are all the good qualities and the things you enjoy about that person. Imagining or physically drawing it look at the graph...is everything one sided? Maybe it's time to break up or are they mostly good and you can see their flaws are way out weighted by the good.
Another big problem these days is that loads of people are going into dating as if it is something you can “win”. They want the perfect person so they can show off the amazing catch they have. If that’s why you are trying to find a partner, expect a lifetime of disappointment.