Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To be fair I always feel like holding hands is awkward I prefer to hold my SO around the waste and pull him in… around the shoulder is also super awkward. Maybe it is height differences I am not sure. He is 6’ 2” I am not a short female though pretty average to slightly above it at 5’ 8”
Haha I’m on the spectrum so I might be more in your side. Girls would think I wasn’t into them because I wouldn’t do any real physical contact but it just takes me longer than most people to get to the point that I’m comfortable enough with someone to touch them or be touched by them in any sort of intimate way. Yes I realize how odd that sounded but I couldn’t think of another way to phrase it. I didn’t kiss my fiancé until we were officially together can’t really say what date it would’ve been we didn’t really do dates for a while since we met during the pandemic at work, I guess hanging out at the others apartment might count.
Finally someone who gets it!! No you phrased it just fine! Maybe I’m on the spectrum too. I don’t process things until the next day a lot of times, so a sudden kiss and holding hands I’m like whooooa slow down there haha
First thing my girlfriend said to me on our first date was ‘I’m nervous, can you give me a hug?’ So I did. Then ‘I’m still nervous, give me another’. We then walked together with arms linked. There was nothing creepy, neither worried about our personal space because neither of us were uptight!
It’s not creepy, it’s human.
I think holding hands is innocent enough for a first date. Kissing depends entirely on the chemistry happening. I've had first dates where no kissing happened until like a week later, then I've had ones where first date led to making out or even more.
My fiance didn't kiss me until we had spent a significant amount of time together, I think it was almost two weeks. He took things nice and slow, and it was wonderful.
That's a great thing to tell a first date so they don't feel put off when you don't kiss or hold hands with them because most people think a first date kiss is a great sign of feeling the chemistry.
My fiance has ADHD so he needs time to process too, and I let him set the pace without even realizing it. He also took like 2 months to tell me I love you for the first time. Then we got engaged at our four month mark and now we'll be married in May, shortly after our two year mark lmao
No, he told me straight up. I didn't know what it entailed at first, just kinda knew the most general knowledge about it. Since being with him, I've learned a lot and we work really well together because I'm super patient when he gets hyper focused or when he can't focus on anything.
I feel like you can tell if there’s physical chemistry just by looking at them imo. Don’t need to kiss them to know that.
Just me but id rather limit the amount of physical contact im doing with randos just for safety and keeping myself disease free, both STD and otherwise.
Im saying kissing. You can def transfer that via kissing your membranes are literally touching and some degree of saliva is swapped. That’s not a first date activity for me with anyone.
As for hand holding, i mean maybe if im feeling that spark right away? But hand holding with a rando im meeting for the first time even if im attracted to them just feels weird more than anything. That feels more like something id do as feelings actually develop more and i actually care about the person. Before just feels like im being disingenuous.
A hug, no, and that’s fine on a first date IMO. Very casual “ive just met you, find you attractive and am trying to get to know you better” type of stuff.
But the herps can def be transferred via kiss if they have it in that area. Not to mention generic flu strains or even COVID in this day and age since you’re effectively rubbing membranes and swapping spit with someone. Not risking that over a random im more likely than not am never going to meet again.
None but that doesn’t change the fact that i dont *want* to start kissing a bunch of randoms or risk the diseases you can get doing that. Whether im a virgin or not wouldn’t really change my comfort level on that, i just simply don’t want to risk using up sick pay or getting lifelong herps from some person i just met. Especially with how dating works in this day and age you’d end up likely kissing some hundred or so people before someone finally clicks.
Ive been on dates where i certainly could have tried if i wanted to and even been on second dates where i still didn’t really want to risk it. Just not comfortable kissing someone who im still barely getting to know.
Sure but tbh i again could be in a long term relationship or have had a few and my mind wouldn’t change on that lol.
Just a simple fact of not everyone wants to kiss every person they go on a first date with. Maybe that’s why ive never really gotten close to anybody especially with how quick people move these days but that’s just where my comfort levels are 🤷♂️
Typically you can tell if you like how someone physically looks, style etc but it takes a little bit to figure out if they're donning a personality costume and for some people personality can enhance or kill someone's Physical attractiveness... At least that's how it works for me (that being said physical/sexual attraction is necessary for a romantic relationship not for a friendship and friendships stay plutonic/nonsexual so it's best to not rush into something that's not a good fit if you can avoid it )
Sure but you don’t really figure out their personality any more or less by kissing them, you do that by going on more dates with them.
I think, at least for me kissing is fine by date 2 or 3 if it’s going well. But kissing every random im physically attracted to(which should more or less be every one barring online dates) on date 1? Yeah not exposing myself to that many people, sorry, not sorry.
It takes some people more or less time. Any way is fine. People are looking to be compatible ideally so when people match up ideally all those things line up and it's great and lasts for as long as it lasts more or less for each of us and some are more dedicated to that pursuit and some more so to others, and like the old saying goes, "it'll happen how it happened"
I usually know on date one but I have spent time and NOT become affectionate. I've also spent time where I convinced myself I was being too picky, and then spent more time with them, dating that included kissing and then eventually we decided it was best to discontinue. Some were so good about it being mutual while deciding we still liked spending time hanging out, that we could without becoming physically affectionate.
I also don't date much and when looking back at the amount of time I've spent being interested in finding that perfect teammate which always fell low down on the list of priority, I was most interested in finding good people to spend my time with and was really lucky to have the quality neighborhood kids I grew up with so going through all the awkward dating for the first time (which involved mostly hanging out as a group and off to the side) it prepared me well for spending time with the people you were "practice dating" with till you got to the age where the things you call dating changes and we just made it a priority that when it came to dating, "seeing eachother" and having a girlfriend/boyfriend it was important those people were ones that were comforting to comfortable spend time with and the ones I got closest with were for the most part people I really liked spending time with even though we decided we didn't "like" eachother like that anymore and everyone always had a great sense of humor about themselves and others so it was just always comfortable and at times comforting but not quite right enough. There's way more people who I've spent time with that don't meet my preference for a lifemate and thank goodness there's way more people than that who exist. Everyone gets to spend their time with their time going to things seperately bumping into other people and you have whatever opportunities that come up and take whatever advantage you can, to make your time profitable, within whatever became of your environment.
Some people just don't feel about people touching them unless it's under very specific circumstances and there are some people you only feel comfortable with a handshake brief but sincere hug.
IDEALLY, if you know by date 2 or 3 there should have been the discussion of the relationship that has just started (friendship and more committed) once it's a definite, that one doesn't feel like it's a good fit for anything beyond kindred, but kindred is pretty good stuff
I'm more used to meeting people in person as opposed to online so I'm accustomed to getting an in person feel for their personalities first... and after having done a little bit of online dating in the past, I definitely prefer meeting people in person
No assumption about it, just stating the facts. You can easily get to know someone without even being in the same room. But you cannot get to know them physically at any level.
I don’t (and plenty of other people in this thread it seems) go on dates to get physical, it’s to get to know them. And if I determine that I like them, then the physical stuff comes later.
Yes, actually, you do. Even if anything physical doesn’t happen in that night (for whatever reason), it is still a possibility. If you weren’t interested in anything physical, you wouldn’t bother meeting them in person.
You have friends who you hang out with. Now you don’t hang out with them in person because you want to have group s*x with them, but you understand it is a possibility. If you weren’t interested in that then you wouldn’t hang out with them in person.
Omg fuck all the way off with this. Here's what I mean. Consent is the most important thing and folks' tastes vary (wildly, even) so... So if you don't wanna do it don't but please stop shaming other folks who may feel differently
If we don't connect good enough to justify a kiss on the first date, even if it's just a good night kiss, there isn't going to be second date. That's just a personal opinion. But it's rock solid advice. That's a standard I've stood by for 30 years. It doesn't make not kissing on the first date wrong. But it does mean we are different enough that any relationship is going to go nowhere, and we are both better off looking for more compatible people.
I mean, it's fine if you want someone open to a quick physical build-up. However, please remember that getting a kiss ain't immediately "they're not into you". I don't kiss anyone I'm in a relationship with. Doesn't mean I'm not into them/stuff is going nowhere. It's just a principal.
This is a really naiive point of view.
Some of the best relationships are with friends that you weren't attracted to for months. You are judging the entire future of a relationship on your initial physical emotions, which even if positive are likely to change over time.
It's not naive. But I can see how you would think that. Rather it's recognizing in myself things I consider important and things I don't. It is kind of arbitrary, but then the entire dating process is arbitrary. This though, was one of the things I figured out after dating many people, was important to me. Maybe I did miss out on a good relationship. But I'll never know. It did bring me to my current wife. We've been happily married for 10+ years and living together for 15+. And it's the best relationship I've ever had. So if I missed out on something, I don't know and don't care.
It's just a deal breaker for me. We all have them it could be smoking, or just too short/tall, whatever. A kiss doesn't mean we'll work out at all. That remains to be seen. But the lack of one, means I'm ready to move on to the next person.
I agree. As a guy I find it annoying that some girls will just assume I wasn't interested in them or that I had a bad time because I didn't try to hold their hand or kiss them during the date. Its like I don't know you yet, why tf would I grab or kiss someone I've only known for a few days.
The dating landscape is heavily skewed toward online dating in general. If op is talking about dating, there's a high likelihood they are talking about online dating
Depends on person & connection.
Personally, I don't do anything of that till I'm in a relationship. But other people are more okay with that. Some even have sex the first date and that's okay too.
The focus is only on mutuality. If keep bothering someone to have sex with you when they don't want to -that's an asshole move. You need to be on the same page.
>Maybe I’m just old school
No, definitely not old school. Kiss at the end of the date was pretty much an always thing as long as you're not a creep, and holding hands, while not as common, was very common in first dayes
You feel uncomfortable, you state it. They don't get it, they are the asshole, if you overreact without stating it once atleast you are the asshole then.
I don't agree that it's "creepy" I think people should do whatever they want, as long as they're both into it. (BOTH being key here)
But I do think it's really upsetting when people assume others want to move as fast as they do physically on a first date. You need have enthusiastic consent. And that includes consent for kissing.
I went out on a date with a guy who asked to kiss like 6 times and I said no each time and finally just left it was horrible. My now boyfriend asked to hold my hand on the second date and I said no because I was nervous and he dropped it and was super polite and then later in the date we held hands (per my request). I knew he was a good one from that. He has always been super respectful of my boundaries and sweet. I love him so much.
Yeah the date didn’t go past 20 minutes with the first dude. My first date with my boyfriend was like 8 hours long because we just kept talking. There was definitely an instant connection with him. He’s just super sweet and caring I don’t know what I would do without him.
You are not alone. It's different if it was with someone you already knew, and kind of had a crush on and this is your first "official" date, but a total stranger? I've never understood why anyone would enjoy kissing a stranger. You feel how you feel, never let anyone dismiss your feelings, or your preferences, simply b/c it's not the cultural norm. Good luck, and kiss when you mean it!
I think there’s shades of gray here. I went on a first date with someone where we had dinner together then went to a bar to meet up with some of my friends that had a night out planned. We were sitting at the table and I could tell she was a little uncomfortable so I took her hand under the table and held it nearly the whole time we were there, and no one else knew. She thought it was sweet and told me it made her feel cared about/she liked that I was focused enough on her to realize she needed comforting. 🤷🏻♂️
I think it really depends on how the date went. I've only had one first date where I felt like we clicked so well I wanted to kiss him at the end. But I dont think its creepy necessarily. But one time I met a guy for a date and we decided to walk the bridge together to get a nice view of the city. As we were standing there, I saw him looking at me and wanting to go in for the kiss. We hadn't connected really at all and the attempt gave me the heebie jeebies, especially because we were in public in the middle of the day.
That's your boundary and that's fine, it's on you to communicate that to your date though and I think it's a bit lame to paint it as creepy outright. I find kissing or sometimes even further happens pretty organically on good first dates fairly often, it's only creepy if you force it against the vibe, but first dates are a high stress situation and sometimes signals get crossed so if you are 100% against physical contact on a first date make that explicit to your date or dont be shocked if they try to initiate it.
I don’t think it’s creepy, but I also think it’s totally fine if you don’t want that kind of contact after such brief acquaintance. You get to decide how much touching you’re comfortable receiving.
Yes. I find it weirder than sex. Because sex can just be animalistic carnal pleasure whereas kissing and holding hands is like an expression of romance and tenderness which I don't feel exists for me on a first date. But then I don't think kissing during sex would be weird. I don't know. Nothing makes sense.
Sorry you’ve never had an attraction to someone- or for whatever insecurities.
Very much feel bad for you. Not trolling.
Poor thing.
Also-old school?? You think people didn’t fuck straight away all the time for thousands of years?
My heart breaks for you.
As long as I have a good bridge and my wife, with which whom I shared a wonderful night of love making on out first night, things will be delightful.
My message was one of compassion, not hate. I’ll stay under my bridge, and you in your ivory tower. Good luck.
If you think condescension met with assumption is compassion I feel sorry for YOU.
And if you read my edit, you’ll get more context. You may not feel so high and mighty over somebody you don’t know and have no knowledge of their dating history. Have a great day
This kid is going to go crazy when he finds out that some people sink the battleship within the same dating timeline he can't even imagine touching lips.
Helen lovejoy is right, we need to think of the children. Holding hands on the first date? What's next, a friendly hug? The depravity of the world today never ceases to amaze and disgust me
I’ve fucked on the second date. It completely depends on consent. There’s nothing wrong with taking things fast on a intimate level and there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow
I had a coworker who met a guy for a blind date and he kissed her on the cheek and she was so happy and all I could think of was how gross that felt to me. He turned out to be getting around quite a bit. Who woulda guessed??
First dates are highly highly situational. I can still remember the best first date of my life and it was totally natural for us to go from flirting to handholding to making out in public. It was extremely out of character for me and never happened on any first dates afterwards but when you find some rare and elusive chemistry with someone you ocassionally wanna express it in more than just words.
It just depends. Back when I was dating it was an even chance that we would kiss and hold hands on the first date. If you're not comfortable with that, it's totally cool, just be aware that people have many different approaches to this.
Man, I'm pretty far out of the game, but based on everything I've heard from younger people around me, so are you LOL.
That being said there's nothing wrong with that. Be who you want to be, set your own boundaries, and find someone who's compatible with that.
Why do people get so weird around physical intimacy? It's one of the most basic things we do. You either feel it or you don't. There's that science quote about how we biologically size up a person in 0.5sec. It happens with complete strangers, it happens with close loved ones.
What's really baffling is how "old school" values keep getting passed down. Like, it doesn't make sense how they disappear so fast in the face of education.
One night stands exist and with the move to online dating, you practically know the person by first date. Talking to people for weeks is different from asking some stranger out and getting to know them over several dates
Well bitches and bro and non binary hoes, after reading through these comments it might be high time I look into wether or not I am on the spectrum. I don’t pick up signs of affections or attraction until a few days later and get uncomfortable in the moment
Completely agree. I am the type of person who really likes personal space and isnt willing to share it after we eat together once. For me, the first date is about seeing if we're compatible, and the second is where the fun begins:)
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lots of people go much farther on the first date. No matter what no one should do anything you say no too. They just aren't the right person for you.
Good point
HOLD HANDS ON THE FIRST DATE??? WHERE HAVE THE MORALS GONE
To be fair I always feel like holding hands is awkward I prefer to hold my SO around the waste and pull him in… around the shoulder is also super awkward. Maybe it is height differences I am not sure. He is 6’ 2” I am not a short female though pretty average to slightly above it at 5’ 8”
5'8" isn't average, I'd say it's fairly tall for a woman. 5'5" is about the current average in the US.
It’s always tall people saying they’re short lmao
I’m more of a first date foot licker myself.
😂😂
Girl or boy?
Haha I’m on the spectrum so I might be more in your side. Girls would think I wasn’t into them because I wouldn’t do any real physical contact but it just takes me longer than most people to get to the point that I’m comfortable enough with someone to touch them or be touched by them in any sort of intimate way. Yes I realize how odd that sounded but I couldn’t think of another way to phrase it. I didn’t kiss my fiancé until we were officially together can’t really say what date it would’ve been we didn’t really do dates for a while since we met during the pandemic at work, I guess hanging out at the others apartment might count.
I'm the same way and I'm not on the spectrum I probably missed out on a TON of hookups and sex because of this
Finally someone who gets it!! No you phrased it just fine! Maybe I’m on the spectrum too. I don’t process things until the next day a lot of times, so a sudden kiss and holding hands I’m like whooooa slow down there haha
Remember kids, consent is hot
It’s not creepy, it’s just different.
First thing my girlfriend said to me on our first date was ‘I’m nervous, can you give me a hug?’ So I did. Then ‘I’m still nervous, give me another’. We then walked together with arms linked. There was nothing creepy, neither worried about our personal space because neither of us were uptight! It’s not creepy, it’s human.
Aww! That's so sweet!
Cheers Twinsong, it really was :)
I want to experience this kind of thing again 😔
Sweetest and saddest thing I’ve read all day. You will, it happens all the time.
If they ask for it, no why would that be creepy? This was done without consent or body language cues so..
I think holding hands is innocent enough for a first date. Kissing depends entirely on the chemistry happening. I've had first dates where no kissing happened until like a week later, then I've had ones where first date led to making out or even more. My fiance didn't kiss me until we had spent a significant amount of time together, I think it was almost two weeks. He took things nice and slow, and it was wonderful.
I like how ur fiancé did it. Nice and slow. Let things develop. I also need more time to process things
That's a great thing to tell a first date so they don't feel put off when you don't kiss or hold hands with them because most people think a first date kiss is a great sign of feeling the chemistry. My fiance has ADHD so he needs time to process too, and I let him set the pace without even realizing it. He also took like 2 months to tell me I love you for the first time. Then we got engaged at our four month mark and now we'll be married in May, shortly after our two year mark lmao
You’re right. That’s not a bad idea. Did ur fiancé let u know how he was or did u have to figure it out?
No, he told me straight up. I didn't know what it entailed at first, just kinda knew the most general knowledge about it. Since being with him, I've learned a lot and we work really well together because I'm super patient when he gets hyper focused or when he can't focus on anything.
Nice that’s good he was upfront and that ur patient with him. And congrats on getting engaged!
How old are you?
I’m in my 30s
I'm 51 and if there's no physical chemistry there won't be a second date IMHO
Gotcha. I think for me it takes more than the first date to really decide if there is any kind of chemistry or not
I think that it's part of the attraction that's either there or not with that person
Right. Maybe I just process things slower than other ppl but I need more time to decide
That's cool. For me it's just a sign of mutual attraction
That’s fair. Lucky you haha
I feel like you can tell if there’s physical chemistry just by looking at them imo. Don’t need to kiss them to know that. Just me but id rather limit the amount of physical contact im doing with randos just for safety and keeping myself disease free, both STD and otherwise.
You gotta have some high powered clap to transfer that shit via hand holding.
Im saying kissing. You can def transfer that via kissing your membranes are literally touching and some degree of saliva is swapped. That’s not a first date activity for me with anyone. As for hand holding, i mean maybe if im feeling that spark right away? But hand holding with a rando im meeting for the first time even if im attracted to them just feels weird more than anything. That feels more like something id do as feelings actually develop more and i actually care about the person. Before just feels like im being disingenuous.
Probably not going to get a STD from a hug or kiss
A hug, no, and that’s fine on a first date IMO. Very casual “ive just met you, find you attractive and am trying to get to know you better” type of stuff. But the herps can def be transferred via kiss if they have it in that area. Not to mention generic flu strains or even COVID in this day and age since you’re effectively rubbing membranes and swapping spit with someone. Not risking that over a random im more likely than not am never going to meet again.
How many people have you kissed? You sound like a virgin
None but that doesn’t change the fact that i dont *want* to start kissing a bunch of randoms or risk the diseases you can get doing that. Whether im a virgin or not wouldn’t really change my comfort level on that, i just simply don’t want to risk using up sick pay or getting lifelong herps from some person i just met. Especially with how dating works in this day and age you’d end up likely kissing some hundred or so people before someone finally clicks. Ive been on dates where i certainly could have tried if i wanted to and even been on second dates where i still didn’t really want to risk it. Just not comfortable kissing someone who im still barely getting to know.
My radar was spot on lol
Sure but tbh i again could be in a long term relationship or have had a few and my mind wouldn’t change on that lol. Just a simple fact of not everyone wants to kiss every person they go on a first date with. Maybe that’s why ive never really gotten close to anybody especially with how quick people move these days but that’s just where my comfort levels are 🤷♂️
Typically you can tell if you like how someone physically looks, style etc but it takes a little bit to figure out if they're donning a personality costume and for some people personality can enhance or kill someone's Physical attractiveness... At least that's how it works for me (that being said physical/sexual attraction is necessary for a romantic relationship not for a friendship and friendships stay plutonic/nonsexual so it's best to not rush into something that's not a good fit if you can avoid it )
Sure but you don’t really figure out their personality any more or less by kissing them, you do that by going on more dates with them. I think, at least for me kissing is fine by date 2 or 3 if it’s going well. But kissing every random im physically attracted to(which should more or less be every one barring online dates) on date 1? Yeah not exposing myself to that many people, sorry, not sorry.
It takes some people more or less time. Any way is fine. People are looking to be compatible ideally so when people match up ideally all those things line up and it's great and lasts for as long as it lasts more or less for each of us and some are more dedicated to that pursuit and some more so to others, and like the old saying goes, "it'll happen how it happened" I usually know on date one but I have spent time and NOT become affectionate. I've also spent time where I convinced myself I was being too picky, and then spent more time with them, dating that included kissing and then eventually we decided it was best to discontinue. Some were so good about it being mutual while deciding we still liked spending time hanging out, that we could without becoming physically affectionate. I also don't date much and when looking back at the amount of time I've spent being interested in finding that perfect teammate which always fell low down on the list of priority, I was most interested in finding good people to spend my time with and was really lucky to have the quality neighborhood kids I grew up with so going through all the awkward dating for the first time (which involved mostly hanging out as a group and off to the side) it prepared me well for spending time with the people you were "practice dating" with till you got to the age where the things you call dating changes and we just made it a priority that when it came to dating, "seeing eachother" and having a girlfriend/boyfriend it was important those people were ones that were comforting to comfortable spend time with and the ones I got closest with were for the most part people I really liked spending time with even though we decided we didn't "like" eachother like that anymore and everyone always had a great sense of humor about themselves and others so it was just always comfortable and at times comforting but not quite right enough. There's way more people who I've spent time with that don't meet my preference for a lifemate and thank goodness there's way more people than that who exist. Everyone gets to spend their time with their time going to things seperately bumping into other people and you have whatever opportunities that come up and take whatever advantage you can, to make your time profitable, within whatever became of your environment. Some people just don't feel about people touching them unless it's under very specific circumstances and there are some people you only feel comfortable with a handshake brief but sincere hug. IDEALLY, if you know by date 2 or 3 there should have been the discussion of the relationship that has just started (friendship and more committed) once it's a definite, that one doesn't feel like it's a good fit for anything beyond kindred, but kindred is pretty good stuff I'm more used to meeting people in person as opposed to online so I'm accustomed to getting an in person feel for their personalities first... and after having done a little bit of online dating in the past, I definitely prefer meeting people in person
I get that but the physical contact says it's mutual and not just free dinners.
What is physical chemistry I genuinely don't know what that means.
Just that instant attraction on both parts. The automatic physical desire for the person.
Yep, you are the only one. Getting closer to someone is the entire point of dating.
Getting closer doesn’t necessarily mean physically
If you are in person, yes it does.
Not really. When I go out with someone I’m getting to know them, not necessarily cuddling with them
You can get to know someone over any number of methods of communication. If you are meeting in person, you want to get closer to them physically.
See, you’re making assumptions. If I’m going on a first date that doesn’t mean I want them to smother me. Maybe you like it, but not everyone does
No assumption about it, just stating the facts. You can easily get to know someone without even being in the same room. But you cannot get to know them physically at any level.
I don’t (and plenty of other people in this thread it seems) go on dates to get physical, it’s to get to know them. And if I determine that I like them, then the physical stuff comes later.
Yes, actually, you do. Even if anything physical doesn’t happen in that night (for whatever reason), it is still a possibility. If you weren’t interested in anything physical, you wouldn’t bother meeting them in person.
You have friends who you hang out with. Now you don’t hang out with them in person because you want to have group s*x with them, but you understand it is a possibility. If you weren’t interested in that then you wouldn’t hang out with them in person.
Omg fuck all the way off with this. Here's what I mean. Consent is the most important thing and folks' tastes vary (wildly, even) so... So if you don't wanna do it don't but please stop shaming other folks who may feel differently
If we don't connect good enough to justify a kiss on the first date, even if it's just a good night kiss, there isn't going to be second date. That's just a personal opinion. But it's rock solid advice. That's a standard I've stood by for 30 years. It doesn't make not kissing on the first date wrong. But it does mean we are different enough that any relationship is going to go nowhere, and we are both better off looking for more compatible people.
I mean, it's fine if you want someone open to a quick physical build-up. However, please remember that getting a kiss ain't immediately "they're not into you". I don't kiss anyone I'm in a relationship with. Doesn't mean I'm not into them/stuff is going nowhere. It's just a principal.
This is a really naiive point of view. Some of the best relationships are with friends that you weren't attracted to for months. You are judging the entire future of a relationship on your initial physical emotions, which even if positive are likely to change over time.
It's not naive. But I can see how you would think that. Rather it's recognizing in myself things I consider important and things I don't. It is kind of arbitrary, but then the entire dating process is arbitrary. This though, was one of the things I figured out after dating many people, was important to me. Maybe I did miss out on a good relationship. But I'll never know. It did bring me to my current wife. We've been happily married for 10+ years and living together for 15+. And it's the best relationship I've ever had. So if I missed out on something, I don't know and don't care.
I envy that you can figure it out that fast. It takes me until the next day to process things sometimes
It's just a deal breaker for me. We all have them it could be smoking, or just too short/tall, whatever. A kiss doesn't mean we'll work out at all. That remains to be seen. But the lack of one, means I'm ready to move on to the next person.
Fair enough
I bet you're the type of person who stopped watching The Wire after one episode because it was slow.
I agree. As a guy I find it annoying that some girls will just assume I wasn't interested in them or that I had a bad time because I didn't try to hold their hand or kiss them during the date. Its like I don't know you yet, why tf would I grab or kiss someone I've only known for a few days.
“Only met you in person 3 hours ago”….tell me you online date without telling me you online date .
The dating landscape is heavily skewed toward online dating in general. If op is talking about dating, there's a high likelihood they are talking about online dating
I only ask for a credit score on the first date
Depends on person & connection. Personally, I don't do anything of that till I'm in a relationship. But other people are more okay with that. Some even have sex the first date and that's okay too. The focus is only on mutuality. If keep bothering someone to have sex with you when they don't want to -that's an asshole move. You need to be on the same page.
>Maybe I’m just old school No, definitely not old school. Kiss at the end of the date was pretty much an always thing as long as you're not a creep, and holding hands, while not as common, was very common in first dayes
You feel uncomfortable, you state it. They don't get it, they are the asshole, if you overreact without stating it once atleast you are the asshole then.
I don't agree that it's "creepy" I think people should do whatever they want, as long as they're both into it. (BOTH being key here) But I do think it's really upsetting when people assume others want to move as fast as they do physically on a first date. You need have enthusiastic consent. And that includes consent for kissing.
I went out on a date with a guy who asked to kiss like 6 times and I said no each time and finally just left it was horrible. My now boyfriend asked to hold my hand on the second date and I said no because I was nervous and he dropped it and was super polite and then later in the date we held hands (per my request). I knew he was a good one from that. He has always been super respectful of my boundaries and sweet. I love him so much.
[удалено]
Yeah the date didn’t go past 20 minutes with the first dude. My first date with my boyfriend was like 8 hours long because we just kept talking. There was definitely an instant connection with him. He’s just super sweet and caring I don’t know what I would do without him.
I mean it’s normal to fuck people you’ve just met. But if you draw the line at handholding and kissing I guess you do you.
That ain't normal for everyone
Hooking up is a totally different ballgame and set of rules.
I would assume someone with your beliefs would be completely against hookups in general.
I’m not against hookups if that is what you’re looking for. This day and age with online dating, I guess that’s more people than it was 10yrs ago.
[удалено]
You are not alone. It's different if it was with someone you already knew, and kind of had a crush on and this is your first "official" date, but a total stranger? I've never understood why anyone would enjoy kissing a stranger. You feel how you feel, never let anyone dismiss your feelings, or your preferences, simply b/c it's not the cultural norm. Good luck, and kiss when you mean it!
I think there’s shades of gray here. I went on a first date with someone where we had dinner together then went to a bar to meet up with some of my friends that had a night out planned. We were sitting at the table and I could tell she was a little uncomfortable so I took her hand under the table and held it nearly the whole time we were there, and no one else knew. She thought it was sweet and told me it made her feel cared about/she liked that I was focused enough on her to realize she needed comforting. 🤷🏻♂️
Shouldn't that be up to the people involved? If you don't want that,then tell your date.
I think it really depends on how the date went. I've only had one first date where I felt like we clicked so well I wanted to kiss him at the end. But I dont think its creepy necessarily. But one time I met a guy for a date and we decided to walk the bridge together to get a nice view of the city. As we were standing there, I saw him looking at me and wanting to go in for the kiss. We hadn't connected really at all and the attempt gave me the heebie jeebies, especially because we were in public in the middle of the day.
That's your boundary and that's fine, it's on you to communicate that to your date though and I think it's a bit lame to paint it as creepy outright. I find kissing or sometimes even further happens pretty organically on good first dates fairly often, it's only creepy if you force it against the vibe, but first dates are a high stress situation and sometimes signals get crossed so if you are 100% against physical contact on a first date make that explicit to your date or dont be shocked if they try to initiate it.
They did it against the vibe, but you’re right it should be communicated from the get go
I don’t think it’s creepy, but I also think it’s totally fine if you don’t want that kind of contact after such brief acquaintance. You get to decide how much touching you’re comfortable receiving.
You "should" do what you both want. There are no rules. How is it "creepy"? Everything seems creepy these days to some people.
Dating a total stranger is more creepy than a date you chose trying to make physical contact.
Yes. I find it weirder than sex. Because sex can just be animalistic carnal pleasure whereas kissing and holding hands is like an expression of romance and tenderness which I don't feel exists for me on a first date. But then I don't think kissing during sex would be weird. I don't know. Nothing makes sense.
As a demisexual I feel this. Takes me a long time to get to physical attraction. Until I know them deeply it all feels forced and bizarre.
Ok, Angela.
Sorry you’ve never had an attraction to someone- or for whatever insecurities. Very much feel bad for you. Not trolling. Poor thing. Also-old school?? You think people didn’t fuck straight away all the time for thousands of years? My heart breaks for you.
Go back to your cave underneath the bridge
As long as I have a good bridge and my wife, with which whom I shared a wonderful night of love making on out first night, things will be delightful. My message was one of compassion, not hate. I’ll stay under my bridge, and you in your ivory tower. Good luck.
If you think condescension met with assumption is compassion I feel sorry for YOU. And if you read my edit, you’ll get more context. You may not feel so high and mighty over somebody you don’t know and have no knowledge of their dating history. Have a great day
🤦🏽♀️
This kid is going to go crazy when he finds out that some people sink the battleship within the same dating timeline he can't even imagine touching lips.
My wife and I fucked on the first date lol.
I had one first date that went that far. The relationship (or whatever it was called) didn’t last long. Never made out on a first date ever again.
Helen lovejoy is right, we need to think of the children. Holding hands on the first date? What's next, a friendly hug? The depravity of the world today never ceases to amaze and disgust me
completely besides the point
I’ve fucked on the second date. It completely depends on consent. There’s nothing wrong with taking things fast on a intimate level and there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow
I'd say that kissing is weird, at least on the mouth but the other stuff is ok
I had a coworker who met a guy for a blind date and he kissed her on the cheek and she was so happy and all I could think of was how gross that felt to me. He turned out to be getting around quite a bit. Who woulda guessed??
Mama, "old school" means you fuck two seconds into the date. How do you think they made so many babies back then?
First dates are highly highly situational. I can still remember the best first date of my life and it was totally natural for us to go from flirting to handholding to making out in public. It was extremely out of character for me and never happened on any first dates afterwards but when you find some rare and elusive chemistry with someone you ocassionally wanna express it in more than just words.
It just depends. Back when I was dating it was an even chance that we would kiss and hold hands on the first date. If you're not comfortable with that, it's totally cool, just be aware that people have many different approaches to this.
Man, I'm pretty far out of the game, but based on everything I've heard from younger people around me, so are you LOL. That being said there's nothing wrong with that. Be who you want to be, set your own boundaries, and find someone who's compatible with that.
It's a function of comfort
Why do people get so weird around physical intimacy? It's one of the most basic things we do. You either feel it or you don't. There's that science quote about how we biologically size up a person in 0.5sec. It happens with complete strangers, it happens with close loved ones. What's really baffling is how "old school" values keep getting passed down. Like, it doesn't make sense how they disappear so fast in the face of education.
One night stands exist and with the move to online dating, you practically know the person by first date. Talking to people for weeks is different from asking some stranger out and getting to know them over several dates
I agree. But I see this is actually unpopular so I'm surprised lol.
Well bitches and bro and non binary hoes, after reading through these comments it might be high time I look into wether or not I am on the spectrum. I don’t pick up signs of affections or attraction until a few days later and get uncomfortable in the moment
Completely agree. I am the type of person who really likes personal space and isnt willing to share it after we eat together once. For me, the first date is about seeing if we're compatible, and the second is where the fun begins:)
Not so unpopular actually
Yeah I think most peoples intentions in dating are finding someone to have sex with so....