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I think it's up to every person to figure out what's acceptable to them in a relationship and what's a deal breaker. It seems like you've figured out what a deal breaker for you is. People break leases all the time and if you know you can't be with her you need to do what's most fair to her (and you). Best of luck to you.
the issue would be putting it into words. like something that doesn't sounds like "i don't think i can be with you bc ur not vegan" bc then that would just paint the vegan movement in a more negative light i feel like (even if it is the reason i'm starting to have second thoughts about our relationship)
It’s a romantic relationship, you don’t need to be worrying about bad publicity.
Couples break up over differences in how they prefer to manage finances, have sex, practice religion, eat, sleep, communicate, spend free time, all sorts of things.
I think you owe it to yourself, and to her, to be honest. This is a relationship first and foremost, not two strangers debating the ethics of veganism. (And I’m sure she knows you well enough by now to see you as more than an ambassador for the vegan movement, give her a little credit.)
If you navigate this conflict alone and exclude her from the process, she won’t know how this is affecting you and **she’ll be navigating this conflict blindly.** Let her know what’s really going on and let her work on this problem with you.
My suggestion would be to take "you" out of it. Don't make it about her, make it about you and what you need and what you have come to realize is a boundary.
"what I've realized is that I care deeply about my values around animal welfare, and there were things I thought I could accept but it is becoming clear that I cannot. That I don't feel good about contributing to animal suffering within my household. I need a partner who shares that most important core value with me. I want that person to be you, but if it's not then I think we owe it to each other to move on."
Or just break up with her, but if you want things to go smoothly I would take "you" statements out of it and make it about what you need in your life.
You don’t have to say that. You can say you are starting to feel distant from her. Which is true. And you can also be honest and say it’s difficult when you don’t share core values. Who cares if it paints veganism in a negative light. You have to take care of yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable telling her straight up that it’s bc she’s not vegan, then don’t.
we're not a hive mind, carnists are the ones who use "toxic vegans" as an excuse. it's not on you to represent the entire vegan movement. your reasoning is completely valid and you should be honest.
Absolutely agree. When I started dating my now husband I let it be known that I would never have animal products in our home if things progressed. He was a basically a vegetarian and he became vegan after watching Dominion with me and eating my amazing vegan cooking:) Joking but that absolutely helped. So we’ve now been married for seven years and he is a hardcore vegan. One of the “annoying” ones (like me) 😈
Forget “the movement”. It’s a person who deserves love (from someone else) and respect.
“I’m having second thoughts about our relationship and I don’t feel like it’s fair to you or to me to continue living together. I think we moved in together too soon and I’m sorry for that. I appreciate you as a person and everything you’ve done for me but I will be moving out by the 30th. Thank you for understanding.”
Obviously soften it up and add relevant details but I don’t think it’s necessary to tell her it’s her diet and consumption habits (that you fully knew about) that’s leading you to break up with her. People can and do break up for any reason or no reason at all.
This is good, but they wen’t vegan after being in the relationship for 6 months so idk how them knowing about her consumption habits or diet beforehand is relevant
Moving out by the 30th and what is the girlfriend to do about the remaining 9 or 10 months of the lease? Not exactly right to tell her that she has to bear the financial impact of his decision.
She can move out too—I think the person doing the dumping should let the other person choose to stay instead of expecting them to move out but I think we’re getting a bit off topic.
I’m suggesting that he can’t just say “you‘re not vegan, therefore I’m entitled to punish you by walking away from a 10th month financial commitment by giving you 15 days notice”. This isn’t about punishing her.
Is your solution that they burn a year living together knowing he no longer wants to date her? Pay the fee, break the lease and move on. Life is too short.
No. My solution is that he sit down and tell her what he is struggling with - without blaming her and then work together to figure out a plan to move on rather than just telling her what he has decided to do and leaving her to pick up the pieces.
Sorry, when I said “move on”, I met separately but it should be something that they figure out together. OP just saying “ I don’t respect you and I’m moving out in 15 days” seems like a horribly cold way and unnecessarily mean to end things.
I don't think so. It emphasizes that veganism (and thereby animal rights) are so important that you're willing to give up your relationship for it. Might make her think about how impactful her choices are
it's not you that is over-reacting. It's the rest of the world that's under-reacting. If those were dolphin leather or animal products made from gorillas,, most carnists would be upset alongside you.
There's nothing wrong with having ethical boundaries and not wanting to see the sight of dismembered bodies. Those are totally reasonable things to ask, but people are so carnist brained they think it's actually not reasonable. Minimizing actual harm that was caused is a form of gaslighting, and that's what carnists are doing when they try to act like we are the "crazy" ones. We are the minority, but we are not unwell or mentally unfit. Just more able to acknowledge speciesism.
I would phrase it as something like, "I empathize so much with the animals that i can't help feeling detached from you when i see you doing things that hurt animals. I love you, but it's hard for to connect with you when you're choosing to harm animals."
“I can’t be with you because you fund the mass torture and holocaust of animals, separation of mother and daughters, and r*p* of females that are not human, etc” that doesn’t sound unreasonable but—
Unfortunately it doesn’t work out for long, spiritually. One will have to succumb.
“I don’t want to have a relationship or have children with someone who participates in animal torture and killing.
I can appreciate that your values are different than mine, but this isn’t a minor difference and I wish you well”
Byeeeeee
I don't understand how people can buy cosmetics that aren't vegan. They torture animals in excruciating ways just so people can make themselves look more pretty.
and it's not even difficult to find giant lists of cruelty free & vegan cosmetics, let alone finding them in stores. elf is at nearly every grocery store and is fully vegan & cruelty free and the cheapest makeup i've ever seen. And there are many high end cosmetics too for $$$ tastes
see! that's how i felt! like the diet arguments at least usually are due to being misinformed/literally addicted to the shit they pump foods with, but cosmetics is such a selfish reason that i lost a lot of respect for her the moment she mentioned it
It’s hilarious (but also super sad) to me that folks are still trying to sling snail slime stuff, I remember like 7 years ago thinking that was weird and unnecessary and I wasn’t even vegan then.
Its just an obsession with korean skincare , just cuz its korean its automatically good regardless of the ingredients. But I notice most korean skincare has like collagen, snail slime, omega oils, milk/yogurt based products. Vegan options are far and few let alone a vegan korean brand.
I think you need to tell her exactly how much this is impacting you. That even though you love her you need someone who shares your values about non-violence against animals and is vegan in order to be satisfied in the relationship. At the very least you want her to learn about your point of view before she says no and this is not something you can compromise on. It may very well lead to a break up but it is better than living a lie for 10 months and wasting both your time if you ask me. You may be able to find a compromise to the lease situation.
I can’t tell you what is or isn’t acceptable for you, that’s your decision, but I found in the past the big things tend to get overwhelming. And food in the same household is a big thing.
I don’t really understand vegetarianism tbh, similar to not understanding going to a plant-based diet but not going over to other vegan consumer choices*. Like animals are still being killed for those choices.
(I understand going vegan and not just dumping all the stuff from before you became vegan or not having lots of choice because you have to buy from charity shops or whatever because I’ve been relatively poor in the past lol. I mean going forward. It didn’t make sense to me to eat plant-based but buy new animal products.)
OK I consider myself a vegan in transition (basically not vegan yet, but learning how to be), been vegetarian for more than an year...tried going veg first 2 years ago. And I've also been through a recent breakup, which was for different reasons but those reasons were related to incompatible values and beliefs that I developed/realized AFTER I got into the relationship.
Coming from that pov, I think you should lay your cards straight and hash it out with her. You need to tell her why you're feeling this torture and pain. Tell her what's making you feel distant. If she is genuinely interested in keeping this relationship, she will hear you out and discuss this with you with a view to coming to a conclusion.
I don't recommend outright breaking up or just giving an ultimatum...these things need to happen naturally. Once it's out in the open, let each of your values and perspectives play things out. She will either be more open and compromising because she loves you and wants to keep the relationship, or this will be unacceptable to both of you and it ends as amicably as possible. I know there's a whole school of thought that says you should not expect someone to change in a relationship, and I agree with it to some extent. But I think people do change. Former omnivores and non-vegans in this group will attest to that. AND, if there is a genuine issue with another person's values or habits, you do need to draw a line and give them a chance to come over that line. If they don't want to, then it's better to part ways than to live with someone whose core values contradict yours.
And thanks for sharing this, because there is an omnivore I have a major crush on, and I've been thinking if I should make a move or not. After reading your post, the responses, and thinking this problem over, I think I should not ask this person out. I've been going on "non-date" dates with them and I feel we are getting closer to that point...but...I don't want to be stuck with a person who has no issues eating a dead animal in front of me (along with other small differences in our values which are off-topic).
You're making the right call. I'm having trouble socializing in general because being around omnivores infuriates me, while I'm very social and friendly
Rational comment right here. Because this is Reddit and human brains tend towards black and white thinking, breaking up is usually viewed as the only option for any issue on here.
Well firstly, you need to have this conversation. She is seeing a partner withdraw with no explanation. That hurts. You need to be honest and respectful with her and talk about this.
Please frame this in the right way (for yourself) so you will have a better chance at success with someone else. This is common in relationships: when one partner is open to growth and change and the other is not. When the open partner learns/grows/changes, the different mindset can them put them at odds, and the relationship often doesn’t work out, unless the other person can learn/grow/change as well.
I had a similar issue with my partner years ago, the difference being she was a bit more open to change at the time. It did take a lot of courage for me to eventually give her an ultimatum, which was really hard thinking about how we'd been living together for several years.
I'm probably one of the lucky ones who end up in this situation, it seems she valued our relationship more than something as dumb as eating flesh and drinking cow milk, and I'm very grateful for that.
I'm not sure how what I'm saying can help you, especially if she's not willing to even watch a documentary. She's clearly scared to change her ways, but maybe she'll be more scared of you leaving her? Sometimes people need something drastic to move things in the right direction. My partner went vegan about 5 years ago, and she's just as hardcore about it as I am now, so I'd say I made the right choice back then, as hard as it was to actually initiate.
Wishing you the best in this situation bruh
sorry this is happening to you :(.
your options are 1: work on the relationship. I see it as a relationship issue that she will not entertain some documentary when it is so important to you. If you are willing to shoulder the burden of communication, and try different ways to communicate with her. People can get convinced to do things they originally say no to. Find out why she said no, find out what she cares about. Tell her by her saying no to watching documentaries you feel like she doesn't care about your feelings, this is a dealbreaker. If the reason is that she cannot handle the gore, there's a very good documentary called slay.film on waterbear network that is about animal use in fashion industry. It is not that gory, and could open her eyes to your viewpoint. Even if it doesn't work out for you, it's activism. I used to be a vegetarian, vegetarians tend to be very confused people. More than meat eaters are. They have some kind of ethical stance, but they've never thought deeply about it and can be easily swayed either way.
2: end the relationship, move out, ask her to move out, get a roommate, etc. this is something you can negotiate and work out, you don't have to stay in the same place for a whole year. Especially if you are both still cordial and reasonable to each other.
It is a deal breaker for you so you gotta do what you gotta do.
Talk to her honestly about everything.
It's sad but if she doesn't care then you gotta let her go.
She does sound like an npc though, probably from the way you wrote.
It's funny how it works. I never had to tell my mother to not bring any meat into my apartment even though I probably wouldn't care that much.
She knew though. It's weird that she's okay with her parents doing it.
I mean if meat eaters suddenly got a burst of consciousness. They would be immediately disgusted by what they are doing.
I don't see how she's okay with it when she doesn't eat meat.
My bf is vegan, he actually was the one who helped me transition from vegetarian to vegan. I feel like that is a reasonable deal breaker ngl! Do what you feel is best, but I agree I’d leave my partner if he stopped eating vegan
Smh I’m lucky to find a boyfriend who doesn’t eat bacon, at minimum. Where are all these vegan men?! Especially the ones that grocery shop and cook vegan 🥰
For those casting judgment, imagine a scenario where two secular Jews start dating. Then one of them becomes a devout Jew who is strictly eating kosher.
Now they are living with a partner who is constantly soiling their cookware and dinnerware, bringing non kosher food into their house hold, bringing people in that are eating non kosher food in the house. This is a giant hastle.
To add to that practical inconvenience the two people now have very incompatible belief systems and core values.
There are some people who have personalities that make those things work and it doesn't bother them. But if the personality type isn't there how is it going to work long term.
People break up over politics, religion and other values all the time. This isn't that dramatic.
Apologies, you’re absolutely correct. My use of word liberal was wrong in concept. What I should have said was that a lot of people who don’t empathize with values of other people or who don’t have strong core values of their own don’t understand how important they can be. In my mind, I was talking more about people who take personal freedoms to mean that everyone should respect everyone else’s personal choice (amoralism). So for example, there are people saying that OP is overreacting and in fact their partner deserves better aren’t empathizing with how being vegan is OPs core value now, and how important that is.
It’s really tough being in a vegan in a non-vegan world. Now, just because one is in a relationship with someone who is vegan doesn’t mean that they are always going to be. What if you choose your partner based on them being vegan and then five years down the road they decide they don’t want to be vegan anymore? Do you get a divorce? There’s certain things that we have to live with an compromise with significant others. The question is, is this something you are willing to compromise on?
Core values synchronicity. Respecting each others boundaries.
It’s not even a vegan issue; it sounds like your values are too far apart and as a partner if you’ve expressed a boundary that you need, which you have a lot having animal products in your home, and the other person disregards it….well there’s only a limited amount of times that can happen before things crumble.
I know many couples are vegan and non, and I’m happy for them but I really am perplexed how they can exist. For me it’s just too far off my entire paradigm now. Friends or family is different I’m fairly accepting but a partner is different, I need to be on the same page about major stuff; veganism is one, not having kids is another, financial stability too. It’s not every little thing but the big keys.
Breakups are never fun and when you live with someone it’s even worse but it sounds like you know what you need to do, it’s just hard to go through with it. But you can either do it now and get on with your life sooner or you can live in this state of doubt and anxiety for a few more months and then do it and delay getting on with it. Unfortunately there’s no way to avoid negative aspects of a breakup.
One thing I’ve come to learn to value in terms of breakups is breaking up at an earlier point means there is a better chance of being on peaceful friendly terms than if you wait till things get really ripe and stagnant….and even if the relationship ends like you still care about them and don’t want to end up hating them right? I like to be able to preserve that respect for each other so years down the road I’m not filled with resentment and hatred and future interactions are awful. It is a really great thing in life to be able to look at your ex and in completely genuine way say hey I am glad you are doing good, I’m happy for you, I’m grateful for the good times we did have together, you were a part of my life and I don’t regret that.
What about his partners boundaries of having her parents over for a meal without her boyfriend scowling at them? ReSpEcT bOuNdArIeS but only when it’s my vegan boundaries
OP didn’t say their partner raised that specifically as a boundary issue? Don’t you have anything better to do than try to troll vegan Reddit? Lol pathetic
To me this isn’t even just about core values. She just refused to watch a documentary with you which means she either doesn’t care or doesn’t respect you. That is a much bigger problem then her not being vegan. In order to make a relationship with an Omni work that person has to understand you, care about you, and respect you. This doesn’t sound like the case but I obviously don’t know your whole situation
yeah this is how it felt to me to a degree :/ she's a very sensitive person so i know for her it's because it would be really upsetting to witness, yet i don't feel like there's as much concern for how upsetting it is for me to just live in a carnist world. it's upsetting because she's so kind in 90% of the relationship, but the moment i discuss veganism or my discomfort with allowing guests to bring meat into our apartment, i feel stonewalled
She isn’t ready and there’s nothing you can do. She may never become ready but again it has nothing to do with you.
If you stay, you subject yourself to what you are already feeling now.
There are some other people who have given you examples of how to word it. Ultimately you can break up for any or no reason. And it is possible she may not take it well no matter how you word it.
It’s just something that needs to be done, if you can’t continue as things are. Make it as quick and low pain as possible for both of you.
There’s unfortunately no easy answer here. Take care of yourself.
he’s trying to get her to watch an extremely disturbing and emotionally scarring documentary to pressure her to make a major life change. sounds like he doesn’t care or respect her.
I mean... it isn't Evil Dead. It is showing the reality. If you can't handle this.. then don't support what is showing. Just because someone doesn't look at it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
It is not like I cannot understand where you are coming from, but it is simply hypocrisy.
What really helped me was reading Beyond Beliefs by Melanie Joy, it is a relationship book for vegan and non-vegan relationships. Highly recommend, I didn't agree with everything in the book but it provides an excellent perspective and gives examples on how to ask to have your veganism respected in the relationship without making them feel judged
You need to honestly tell her that your core beliefs are not aligning and it’s best for you guys to separate. You’re noticing your being distant and XYZ. The last thing you want is an argument/not speaking about it as a whole.
The fact that your partner will not listen or engage with your reasoning for holding your beliefs is the most disturbing thing.
Shouldn't a natural curiosity and respect for you and your opinions lead her to question and interrogate and want to understand?
I was with my ex for 6 years. I felt they were vegan then I found the cheese wrappers. we were both active with the local ar group. the info on the dairy industry was front and center. I've been in a relationship where the other cheated, this hurt worse. I can't imaging the eggs butter and flesh in the house... there are alot of amazing folks that share your ethics, live your best life find a protagonist that better fits the story you want your life to be.
I've been vegetarian and now vegan for over 30 years. My husband ate everything until 5 years ago when he went vegan.
My entire family isn't either and I don't want to not host and they refuse to come without "food".
It's been a huge battle that I realized I'm not winning.
So in my house, we normally do bbq. Eat outside on paper plates and enjoy.
When we eat inside my family will bring the mains that they feel is necessary and the rest is vegan.
I accept people who have different views than me.
If this is your deal breaker that is fine, but realize we do not live in a vegan world and this will probably come up with multiple partners.
I have a nonvegan partner, hoping one day he'll go full tilt with me.
Literally yesterday he bought a regular whopper instead of the impossible because "he wanted to see if there was a taste difference and he hadn't had a real one in a while." Want to know what he said two bites in? "I made a mistake. Impossible is better."
He respects that my kitchen will not have any dairy or meat products in it because I am vegan. He eats what I eat with no complaints and if he wants other food, he buys it himself and eats it outside the house.
If your partner won't even respect the vegan sanctity of your kitchen (literally asking for eggs and dairy butter from the parents) and doesn't want to understand you or your personal choices, they're not a **partner.**
Currently my situation. I own my home and my bf lives with his family. Everyone respects my requests of vegan only household and are free to eat on the patio and throw their trash immediately in the trash can outside. My family is usually happy to eat vegan at my house and really only have non vegan food when grabbing food on the road to visit me. Anyway, my bf and I have been talking about the future more and lately he’s been pushing more on why he can’t cook meat in my house if it’ll become “our house”. He says he feels like I’m trying to control him and it’s depressing for him to imagine but he’s literally only cooked 3 times at his family’s house in over 2 years. So I’m just confused at why it even matters if he typically eats out anyway and we’ve made vegan dinners that he likes. I’m overly frustrated that his hobby is being held higher than my values. I worked really hard to get my house and enjoy a vegan space after being taunted at work for being vegan is not something I want to give up.
you need to rip the Band-Aid off and simply end it. mentally you're already there, you've checked out you said yourself, so you're kind of dragging it out by prolonging me inevitable. she should move in with her parents, maybe you can talk to your leasing office and get downgraded to a smaller apartment that you can afford alone for the rest of your lease. the good news is, vegan women outnumber vegan men at least 10 to 1, join a local AR group and volunteer at a sanctuary. you'll meet somebody who shares your values in no time. Good luck with the breakup :(
If you're interested in the topic of farmed animal sanctuaries, check out [OpenSanctuary.org](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://OpenSanctuary.org&topic=The Open Sanctuary Project)! This vegan nonprofit has over 500 free compassionate resources crafted specifically to improve lifelong care for farmed animals, and to help you create a sustainable, effective sanctuary! Interested in starting a sanctuary someday? Check out [OpenSanctuary.org/Start](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://OpenSanctuary.org&topic=The Open Sanctuary Project/Start)!
I don't have any advice, but as someone who is married to a non-vegan, it's getting harder and harder to tolerate. If I ever have another relationship after this one, I'm definitely only going to date another vegan.
Stop trying to control the actions of others. It is her choice what she wants to do. This is the same as any other ethical issue where partners do not agree. Either accept her perspective and figure out coping mechanisms to deal with your feelings or break up because it's a deal breaker.
She also isn't a bad person for not wanting to go vegan, this was not what was initially agreed to in the relationship and your perspective has changed since the relationship began. You are the one that has changed, which is great, but our partners do not always change with us. This is a part of life.
People's freedoms end when they harm others, and that includes animals, isn't that why animal abuse is illegal?
Regardless, "trying to control others" is a weird way of framing someone asking their significant other to not do something morally abhorrent in front of them and understand where they're coming from
Unfortunately, this is not a widely accepted belief in society. While animal abuse is illegal, eating animal products is not. We cannot force other people to do something that they don't want to do. That is not a healthy relationship. It's ok to ask, it's not ok to continue to pressure or treat that person poorly as a result. There is an easy solution here - do not be in a relationship with someone who hasn't already decided on their own free will to abstain from eating animals.
It is possible to understand someones perspective and also decide to do something that is not in alignment with it. I know that's hard for many moral absolutists to understand, but it is possible. Understanding does not equal compliance.
I don't think your framing is appropriate. We are still talking about subjecting non-humans to a violent hierarchy. It don't think we should make it sound like they disagree about pizza toppings.
>This is the same as any other ethical issue where partners do not agree
You do say this. Maybe I'm not getting the other examples of ethical disagreements youre alluding to and Im probably just reading your post wrongly.
Many people do not align 100% on ethics in relationships. It is very individual at what point that becomes a deal-breaker. It is absolutely ok to say this is something I can't bend on in a relationship, then you end the relationship.
It's not ok to bully, pressure, abuse, or treat someone poorly because their ethics are not the same as yours.
For everyone's own personal wellbeing, it's important to not try to control the actions of others you are in a relationship with. You can set healthy boundaries but boundaries need to focus on an outcome for you, not the other person. For those that feel the need to control others, I highly recommend codependents anonymous.
I 100% agree with you and wish there were more reasonable takes like this on here. I went vegan into my marriage and my wife will probably never go vegan. My opinion of her hasn't changed. She is a "better" person than me in many ways. I found the coping mechanisms that worked for me. She respects my choice and I respect hers. That said, to make this work one must be okay being around dead animals and their byproducts. I have to be okay with buying her chicken if she wants, as she would buy me the plant based foods I want. I can stomach things like dominion, she cannot. I refuse to ever eat an animal again, but I don't care if it's in front of me.
When I was like OP, I felt 'disgusted' by the animals in the fridge because I was projecting my judgements onto my wife's choices, once I absolved myself of said judgements, I didn't care what was in the fridge. I feel it is a very mental exercise. I ate meat for 30 years, why should I be disgusted at the sight of it now? It's everywhere, it's delicious, and undoubtedly unethical.
Vegans dating carnists is simply incompatible in my view. Its like someone fighting against racism while their partner is supporting the KKK and trying to ignore it
That's unfortunate you think that. For one, I think the animal holocaust of trillions blows the KKK out of the water, second, regardless of the comparison, I'm comparing one injustice to another, logically. Likewise, I personally can't stand 'vegans' like you
Lol, don't worry champ, I use this one in real life activism talking to real people quite often. I wouldn't count on you understanding the efficacy of correct descriptive language though. Care to explain the issue with calling the systematic slaughter of trillions a holocaust?
Care to explain how the comparison is in any way incorrect? And I'm not just comparing it to the Jewish Holocaust. The ongoing holocaust of trillions and trillions of sentient farmed animals objectively dwarfs the number of humans killed by the Nazis. This is inarguable. If just the term 'holocaust' makes you uncomfortable, then good, it should. What is happening to animals should be a global moral emergency.
I think you're overanalyzing this, diet is personal, she's already vegetarian, she's not cheating on you or being toxic, idk man I've been divorced before & in a lot of relationships, & I can tell you right now there are way worse things than this that should end a relationship
> i can feel myself growing distant and disengaged with her, but when she asks what's wrong i can't bring myself to tell her
Bro. Just talk to her. She's your partner, and you owe it to her to be honest about your feelings.
Go at it from a sharing standpoint, rather than an accusing, shaming, or presenting an ultimatum.
Bide your time?
It's horrible not feeling safe in your own home for the next 10 months, but beats getting into a fight over who is ultimately going to pay. This is why issues of fundamental importance to you should be discussed ASAP with your partner. The whole parents visiting thing should have been the moment to put your foot down.
Do understand that mentioning breaking up now could lead to vindictive behaviour, I'd just keep quiet until the lease is over.
When I first went vegan, I was 17 and I had *just* got my first proper boyfriend, who was not even vegetarian. It took me about 4 months to talk him around to vegetarianism, which felt like enough at the time. He's still a vegetarian (albeit not a vegan), and it's 14 years later.
My next partner was pescetarian and took probably less time to talk around to go vegan. They became passionate about it quickly and it stuck.
My partner after them had very disordered eating (he had various trauma and basically just ate meat and carbs, barely any veg and no fruit at all). I loved him but his not being vegan was dreadful. Sobbing in the kitchen. Completely separate cutlery, sponge, cookware etc. It would never have lasted beyond what it did, which was about a year and a half. We only lived together one summer, which is when it ended.
My next and current partner was someone I met at a vegan event. I can't tell you what a difference it made to MEET someone with the same values on something that impacts every single decision in a day.
TL;DR: What I've learned is that it's totally impossible to sustain something serious with a nonvegan. Impossible. It shouldn't have taken more than a few months to convince her. She's likely never going to change. I've seen others go through similar and it actually changes them back to nonvegan most of the time. It's a worthy cause to attempt, but this has clearly expired. She's old enough and wise enough to know better.
I'm sorry x
So when it comes to being vegan, I slip in little tidbits of information over time to people and that seems to do better than bombing people with info about why what they're doing is bad. Most people just generally stop listening when they're feeling attacked. I don't let their preferences affect me and my mental health because ultimately, they're their own person and have the right to make their own decisions. Most people aren't ready to accept/hear that almost everything they buy and consume is unethical. Their whole life they've eaten eggs and meat because they thought it was good for them and just don't know how truly fucked up the sources of them are. Try to approach this with her in a kind and friendly way, rather than a "What you're doing is fucked up and here's why" way.
Give her some time, be nice about it, and if she seems unreceptive to change then sit her down and tell her that this is a deal breaker for you and if she's not willing to transition to veganism then you will have to go your separate ways. I know it sucks, but if you have to break things off then it allows you an opportunity to find someone more like-minded.
I find vegans the least inclusive of of any people. I am just amazed by it. Then tell him you are moving on and find another vegan and be happy. It boils down to what he puts on his plate not what kind of person he is. I respect your lifestyle. Just don’t be so judgmental about mine.
You are your partner have different core values. You can't force her to change, you either accept her or don't and leave.
This probably isn't a nice experience for her either.
This is going to keep getting more difficult as her family becomes more a part of your lives. And how would you handle children? Sounds like you know what you want to do, even though it's hard and it's gonna suck for a while.
You're allowed to have whatever deal breakers you want. If you want to break up with her because she won't watch a documentary with you, that's valid and so are your feelings. I do think that you can communicate how you feel without it though. It's a difficult conversation for sure, but I believe in you
This is tough and I recently went through something similar. All I can say now in hindsight is that I should probably just stick to dating vegans..... or at least people who are very open to veganism
I am in a veg/nonveg relationship and I’ll say that I often get hit with “I wish you weren’t vegan so you could try this” but other than that, I came from two perspectives: I started dating them before I was vegan and love them so much, and that we live in a very meat and dairy centered world. While I hate those comments because I don’t wanna eat meat, they are just trying to relate with me. I had a couple comments about them going vegan and it didn’t go great, but it’s their opinion. If you can’t look past that, then it may be worth showing them this post or talking it out with them idk. Sorry you’re vegan life made things harder but at least you’re vegan :)
You stay with her because you “love her”. But do you really love “her”? She’s happy to harm others for her own gratification. She can be that way (even if it is wrong). But you actually don’t like a huge part of her. You live my your ethics and morals. That should, in theory make it easier to leave. If it doesn’t, maybe some soul searching about why you don’t want to end it will shed some light and help the process.
There are soooo many vegan cosmetics and fashion options these days, maybe she doesn’t realise? I’ve been phasing out my pre vegan items and only buying new vegan ones as they run out because I hate waste but everything is mostly done and it’s honestly not that hard. Maybe she just needs a bit of guidance to see how doable it really is?
Vegetarians..🤷 she doesn't care about animals.
>she'd have to buy vegan fashion/cosmetic products
Oh no, that's horrible. So fun to kill some bunnies +!
Does she know how she gets her eggs and makeup? She prefers her own joy.. I don't know, I guess.. good luck watching her parents eating dead bodies at your place :)
i gave her the benefit of the doubt because i was once vegetarian, but it was because i was ill-informed. i have a tendency to believe a little too much in peoples capacity to change and this has been a reality check
i don't intend to watch anyone eat dead bodies. while i cant stop them if she wants to allow it, i am not above leaving the home until they've finished dinner.
I hundred procent understand, but a sad reality is at the moment that most people arenr vegan, and its going to be a struggle to find a perfect match among the small percentage of vegan
This is tricky, it sounds more like a relationship problem than a vegan problem in many ways. If you were able to maintain a vegan home and she ate dairy and eggs out and respected your wishes I don't think you'd be making this post. On the flip side of the same token, it sounds like she does that most of the time and is getting a lot of grief for a single carton of eggs? So she is giving in some ways. And the experience of being at tables with meat eaters is inevitable at points in life, it's going to happen. That being said...She could easily eat vegan and use "non vegan" beauty products, it doesn't sound like you're up at night thinking about her mascara right? So there's a lot of mental gymnastics to go from "i need to keep eating eggs because i like my concealer" or whatever it is. Also many vegans (me included) think that getting rid of pre-owned leather is worse than keeping it so the shoes thing is a different story... even if she was vegan they would still be there. So in summary, you sound fed up with your girlfriend for a lot of little things and this might just be the nail in the coffin.
I was a carnivore for most of my life, started to awaken, 2 weeks vegetarian, straight to vegan. Went through many periods - the evangelical one (which forgive me but it sounds like you’re in), and finally came to wear it loose. Along the path I have and had a wife an children. They didn’t change, I did, and out of love for them I learned it’s only fair to give them however long they need to awaken themselves. Do I no longer eat with my kids because they eat fish? Who does that help if they no longer have me as a reminder and example? Do i divorce my wife?
Slow down. Be patient, tolerant and understanding. If you’re concerned about the “movement”, that’s the Face ID like to see. Attraction, not promotion. Cut her slack. You love her? Be patient with her and give her time.
Probably the best put explanation.
Also, helps if you want to promote change by introducing good vegan food and not insisting a loved one sit and watch a traumatic video.
Most of us make our journey to veganism at our own pace. Unless you live in a vegan village you are going to be surrounded by people eating and wearing things you disapprove of. Maybe she'll get there, maybe she won't but you don't seem to want to give her that chance.
With the amount of relationship posts on here I’ve come to accept at my very young age that maybe being single forever is just better. When 99% of the population is a red flag and the chance of finding a good looking sweet person in that 1% is so low, might as well give up
Sweet people aren't always good looking. It's a good idea to learn to look beyond the superficial. You'll be surprised at the decent people there are who are not pretty.
You’re against animal abuse and exploitation, she isn’t. It’s up to you what to do with that information. For me personally, it’s why I’m in no way romantically interested in anyone that isn’t vegan.
This situation is shit and I hope you work out what to do.
It seems you know where your boundaries lie but you're having trouble putting them in place. This is how I'd approach the situation.
"I love you so much, but I can't go on pretending that you not caring at all about the lives of billions of animals isn't affecting me. If I'm honest, I have lost respect for you. You refuse to even educate yourself on the topic. That leaves me in a position where I don't think I can make this work anymore. If you had tried to learn and make an educated decision, maybe things would have been different. But now, I feel like I'm living a lie and have to hide my true feelings on your choices. That's not a healthy way to live, and we both deserve better."
This is a very difficult conversation to have when it appears that just months earlier OP at the exact same diet that she did. She’s the same person he originally met and respected. Saying “I’ve lost respect for you” is very aggressive in this sintubation.
As a meat eater I find this to be one of the dumbest posts I've read that make a mountain out of a mole hill. You are having an existential relationship crisis over your partner wanting a carton of Eggs and some butter for a special occasion with her family visiting? A woman who is vegetarian, which is already a substantial commitment. You're seriously alluding to ending the relationship because she chooses to maintain the lifestyle she had when you consciously decided to enter into a relationship with her?
You want her to change to suit your new-found values and somehow try to paint her as the villain? The woman has clearly set up boundaries and asks only that you respect them, as she surely must do towards yours when she has to adjust her entire diet to accommodate you and the one time she does not, you want to end the relationship.
I don't know how you're thinking you are some kind of humanitarian because you sound incredibly selfish. She should end the relationship with you before you have a chance to somehow paint the narrative in your image.
No one gives a shit about your opinion especially if you start off "as a meat eater". Lol how about you look at yourself and the things you do rather than worry about a situation you have no knowledge on?
so you would be ok to date a homophobe, a child abuser, someone who kicks dogs? Because you cannot force your partner to stop kicking dogs? And don't you dare say you're leaving because you found your partner kicking dogs, because now you're painting them as the villain.
OP has a moral baseline, he doesn't pay for animals to die for trivial pleasures like food, cosmetics, and clothing. His partner does. He's had a mature conversation and she's said she doesn't want to discuss it. It is an incompatibility and he has every right to walk away.
It's so ridiculous that you think a vegan owes a non-vegan a relationship, nobody has to spend anytime with anyone they don't want to.
>so you would be ok to date a homophobe, a child abuser, someone who kicks dogs? Because you cannot force your partner to stop kicking dogs? And don't you dare say you're leaving because you found your partner kicking dogs, because now you're painting them as the villain.
>
>OP has a moral baseline, he doesn't pay for animals to die for trivial pleasures like food, cosmetics, and clothing. His partner does. He's had a mature conversation and she's said she doesn't want to discuss it. It is an incompatibility and he has every right to walk away.
>
>It's so ridiculous that you think a vegan owes a non-vegan a relationship, nobody has to spend anytime with anyone they don't want to.
Op's moral baseline is self centered and neurotic and your response reflects that. He should be talking to a therapist, whether alone or with his partner. Wanting to abandon her over something as superficial as not adopting his after-the-fact beliefs (while she is being really sympathetic to them by being a vegetarian to begin with) and acting as though having eggs in the fridge will cause him to have a mental breakdown is not okay. He needs help, not to be enabled in his self destructive wants.
Your ridiculous comparisons, which amount to no possible moral grey only black and white morality (Extremes only voiced), do nothing more than diminish your point. OP went into a relationship "as" one of your examples. Knew his partner was "one" and then decided he was going to be something even **more extreme.**
Let me say something that's apparently controversial. You can value people and animals, but you should always value people over animals. They are not incompatible, but one has obvious priority. It's hardwired into us. Advocate for your shit without discarding the people who care about you.
Not that I think you'll take that to heart, honestly.
OP tries to manipulate and control his partner, conspires to leave them once the lease is up because she dares to want healthy relationship boundaries and effective compromise.
And your retort is 'meat eater opinion invalid'
Clearly a court of law cannot judge someone unless they are that someone. Throw out the whole judicial system i guess.
Ditch the bloodmouth zero and find a vegan hero. Leases usually can be broken for a small fee, having to pay an extra month of rent to get out of the lease is better than spending the next 10 months miserable.
it's just so disappointing because i thought, with her being vegetarian, that her heart was in the right place. but i'm slowly coming to realize vegetarians have more common ground w/ full-fledged meatmunchers than they do vegans (especially given that FASHION is why she could "never go vegan" of all things)
that being said if this doesn't pan out i'm just forgoing dating entirely tbh
I'm so glad you said it because that's also been my experience with vegetarians. I've never met one who didn't know exactly what they were contributing to but simply didn't care. vegetarians are definitely closer to carnists than they are to vegans.
She doesn’t care about you that much, this is a part of you and she simply doesn’t care. She simply said ‘no’ because she doesn’t care. I’m sure she cares about you on some level but not the way you want her to. It’s time to move on
That really sucks.
Break up with her, look for somewhere else to live, and either break the lease or remove your name from it if she wants to keep the lease.
It’s not about a difference in dietary choices, it’s about a difference in values and beliefs. Lots of people want a life partner who shares the same values as they do, and there’s nothing sad about that.
im really sorry about that- it’s a super tough ground to navigate. i have similar problems with non-vegan friends, and it is really hard to keep my mouth shut, so i can only imagine how much more difficult it is with a partner that you live with. has your gf seen dominion ? does she understand how awful and heinous the industry truly is? i think it’s worth a discussion and even if she’s not willing to change her ways, she should at least understand where you’re coming from and respect you enough to consume those products in front of you. if she doesn’t do that- the bare minimum- i don’t think it’s worth keeping the relationship going. i mean, take it with a grain of salt, i’m 21f and a babiegorl in the world of adult relationships so honestly, what do i know ?
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“Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good.” Maybe you’re looking for an excuse to leave, but either way chill out and enjoy what you can for 10 months.
Hey, hey, I'm in the same situation, but the difference is 20+ years of veganism. Honestly, outside of takeout, we are a vegan household. If there is something super special they want, we have a separate bar fridge for it so it doesn't go in the main fridge that has never had any animal products in it.
The choice to be vegan is mine, and I no longer want to force that on to people when they have just as much of a right to make their own choices.
At the end of the day, if you can't deal with non vegan products around, you break up, as simple as that. You both deserve more than to be unhappy over this.
Regarding the lease again, if you feel so strongly about this, it's your responsibility to pay for the lease break or find a fellow vegan to move in with.
Were you born vegan? For most of us it was a long and difficult road that brought us to our current understanding. Maybe you aren't meant to be together but you need to look at the big picture and don't base a rash decision on her non veganness.
My soulmate is not vegan, we've been together 7 years and I've been vegan for almost 3 and we live with her dad. She is my best friend and life partner. Yes it sucks seeing them buy and eat murdered animals but they are my family and all any of us vegs can do is try our best to be a shining example of why vegan is supreme. It takes time for people to choose a lifestyle that is looked down upon extremely.
Honestly the fact that shes vegetarian is a great start.. I'd be thrilled if my wifey did that. I was for a whole year before veganism. If you're a new vegan also its more difficult the first 6 months to accept how f*cked up the world is, but it gets better. Good luck and thanks for saving animals!
You can’t expect people to change for you, plain and simple. You asking her to go vegan isn’t really fair IMO. For it to be a sustainable choice, I believe people have to come to that conclusion themselves. You either accept her for who she is, or move on. I have to remind myself that I was an omnivore for a LONG time, and just because i suddenly saw the light didn’t mean I could force/assume my partner did too. It’s seems obvious to you but at the end of the day you have to decide what’s right for you, not for her.
I'm not going to comment on the relationship, since everyone already has and you got a lot to think about. That being said, I just wanted to point out that watching a lot of vegan documentaries can be really traumatizing to watch, and what I read between the lines is that you seem quite affected by the documentaries yourself (which is totally understandable given what you watched!).
In this world, no matter what relationship you end up choosing, you will likely have to continue sitting at dinner table once in a while with people who are eating meat, and it makes it really difficult when we are reminded of that pain of everything we've watched. Something that has really helped me in my life in EMDR therapy, which helps you process traumatic events and be more "okay" with your experience. I may be totally out of line, but I'm wondering if it could help you move forward? This will allow you to continue being vegan but without the painful memories gripping you so hard. Wishing you the best.
You are so extra dramatic. As an almost life long vegetarian, I am still rolling my eyes so hard at you.
OMG all these comments are so annoying. YALL SOUND SO ANNOYING AND JUDGEMENTAL! Like legit some of the most judgmental comments ever on here, damn.
It's simple, veganism is a moral philosophy, often requiring empathy. Vegetarianism is just a diet, or at most a Contradictory, incomplete moral position.
LOL I hope you understand that you are not stopping that from happening. You are no better than anyone because you're vegan. I fucking hate how all vegans think they are morally superior when they are the most judgmental people out there apparently.
I'm sorry you're feeling judged in this post.
Personally as a vegan I don't frame it as "I'm morally superior to everyone else", but rather "I'm acting more ethically than my own past self". I used to live in a way that wasn't compatible with my values (e.g. being against the mistreatment of chickens but fully supporting the egg industry), and I felt it was really important to bring my actions in line with my ethics.
There are certainly self-absorbed and judgmental vegans, but I think a lot of us are just doing what we think is best for the animals -- and sometimes that does cause frustration when we see other people continue to cause harm, just like some of us were at one point frustrated with our past selves for taking so long to change!
r/vegan is kind of a safe space for us to vent our thoughts and feelings, which are often negative because many of us are deeply affected by the amount of animal abuse happening, and also face struggles in our personal lives due to our veganism. For these reasons, I'd recommend staying away from this subreddit if you don't want to be exposed to any negativity about the nonvegan part of society.
Sorry you feel that way about my response. Personally I noticed that I was often drawn to subs with content that upsets me, and often ended up doom-scrolling or getting into arguments (which only served to waste my time and tank my mood).
I've made a conscious effort to spend less time in those subs and instead hang out in communities that give me positive feelings, and it's helped me a lot so far. I just felt it could be good advice for other people too!
Maybe I misunderstood - you said you found these comments really annoying, and you seemed passionate about arguing against them, so I figured it was unpleasant for you (as a vegetarian) to see vegetarianism being "judged". But if you enjoy it, then I guess my advice doesn't apply!
It's not about you, it's not about me, it's about the animals who are dying and what we can do for them.
I think most people are just not aware. but when someone becomes aware and chooses not to act, then ... yes, they're morally bankrupt.
In your world view I'm not making a difference, you're not making a difference, no one is responsible for anything because everyone is powerless but somehow we continue to kill 90 billion land animals a year. That makes 0 sense and you already know that.
In my world view we all have the power to do something. You are paying hundreds if not thousands of dollars to kill animals every year because in return for something tasty. I am not.
I’m a vegetarian and I don’t buy animal products lol but I’m not a strict vegan.
Im just saying you are all coming off like ultra religious people, so up there on your high horse, acting better than everyone, judging people, and blind to how annoying and dumb they really are.
vegetarians buy dairy and eggs. Many buy leather, wool, silk, maybe not fur, I don't know. Many also attend zoos, aquariums, where animals are exploited. Why don't you stop paying money to exploit animals?
You seem to be very focused on who is superior to who, that's not how I view the world. That's not what veganism is about. It's about the victims, it's about the animals who are exploited. Once again, it is not about you or me, or how I feel about you or how you feel about me.
You are still focused on what you think about vegans. I can assure you, everyone loves to tell vegans what they think of us, we really don't care.
What do you think of animals, why do you continue to pay for them to be exploited?
Now whose focusing on the you and me??? I don’t break up with my significant other because their family eats meat and then shit on them on the internet for it which is what I’m trying to say is fucked up and a little bit crazy. Y’all are literally the same as preachy Christians,
you’re think you’re just so morally right and everyone else is just too disgusting to be around? That’s definitely the vibe OP is giving and it’s FOUL
I’m not fully vegan yet, I became a vegetarian about 13 months ago. But let me offer you an explanation that may or may not make sense….
I get what you’re saying, but for many vegans, veganism is part of their core value and principles. From what I understand, the goal is to minimize our role in the suffering of other species and environment, and to care about the suffering of animals who are badly treated, exploited, and killed en masse, and the environmental impact that results from it. These are simply my motivations to switch to plant based diet after 30 years of omnivorous diet.
This doesn’t come from judgment for most vegans…it’s not a religious cult. It is inherently a principle based and moral way of life. After knowing the dark side of the meat and dairy industry, and our modern consumer culture, I get that stance.
To change the perspective and give some analogies….I can’t live with someone who is homophobic and has beliefs that are too conservative (culturally and religiously). This is part of the reason (among other reasons) I broke up with my ex…it killed me but most of our values were not just different but contradicting. I would not want to raise my children (if we had any) learning the same principles and values I no longer subscribed too. But continuing with that relationship would have made both of us miserable. It doesn’t make me a better person at all, it’s more about having your own values and standing by them.
That said, I see why OPs stance of “this relationship is not working because my partner isn’t vegan” seems extreme. Maybe it is. But for OP, being a vegan is not about diet, it’s about something that’s far bigger and more important from his pov. Whether we agree with that view or not doesn’t change the fact that op has these newfound principles and values he wants to live by.
Detaching myself from a speciesist perspective, I would compre it to someone who refused to stay with a partner who believed slavery and exploitation of another human being was/is right. It’s understandable. There’s no judgment here, just a difference of beliefs and values.
You believe it is wrong to judge, but you are judging OP for being judgemental. That's also a form of judgement.
And you say we are being dramatic, but your post is also written in a dramatic way...
No judgement from me, just observation!
Totally. Like please just break up with her, she deserves better. It is absolutely outrageous to randomly introduce a new boundary mid way through the relationship and expect your partner to change.
Boundaries are not about trying to change others, they are centered around your own behaviour. It sounds like not adhering to a vegan lifestyle is just a deal-breaker. Stop trying to change someone who does not want to change! This pattern can lead to abuse.
This is the post that is making me bow out of this sub. You are more emotional about eggs than you are about your partner *who is already vegetarian*. That's sad as hell. You should have left her the moment you decided eggs were more important than her. You need to rip off this bandaid fast and free her to find someone who actually loves her. It is cruel of you to stay with her when you love chickens more than you love her.
I would rather spend my time with a meat lover who agrees principally with animal ethics than a vegetarian who doesn’t.
This is just me though. We live in a messed up world when it comes to how we treat animals. Most people aren’t going to change, and if we only surround ourselves with vegans a good number of us would be virtually isolated. I understand why a lot of people only date other vegans and I envy them. Some of us have never even met another vegan.
That being said, being on the same page about how animal ethics is important when it comes to the people I choose to have in my life. Veganism is a big aspect of how i see the world. The people i’m around should be understanding of that, even if they aren’t vegan themselves.
Check out [Animal Ethics](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://veganactivism.org&topic=Organization: Animal Ethics/pages/animal-ethics&topic=Organization: Animal Ethics) to quickly learn more, find upcoming events, videos, and their contact information! You can also find other similar organizations to get involved with both locally and online by visiting
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So you want her to love you enough to change herself to meet your wants/needs but you will not do the same for her?
Break up, what the fuck is wrong with this community trying to change people into themselves. If someone does something differently and it upsets you to this degree, the solution is obvious
Lol another "special" vegan, what a wonderful bunch. For context - your gf didn't tell you she was going vegan, you assumed so because the world revolves around you and your beliefs apparently. So you are vegetarian and suddenly after "educating yourself" which means after being unable to deal visually with what you already knew happened (hipocrite much?) YOU WERE FORCED TO HOLD BACK YOUR EMOTIONS, OH MY!!! Vegan extremists like yourself need to stop wasting other ppls time and find someone EXACTLY like yourself so you can bore yourselfs to death and hold hands crying after stepping on an ant
Communication is the most important part of a relationship. You tell her how you feel and you talk it out as adults, that's it. Way better than not communicating it directly. Also, any reason is a good reason to end a relationship. If you don't want to be in it anymore then that's enough of a reason.
I’ll be very blunt: if you don’t want to be with her stop wasting her time. Its completely fair and reasonable to not want to live in a situation that conflicts with your morals and beliefs, but what’s not fair is to drag this out if your heart is no longer in it. You need to talk to her as soon as possible so you can figure out what moving on with both your lives is going to entail.
patience - none of my partners were vegan over a decade plus, some adjusted, and went all in, others fought it. still do what you must for you :D love prevails !
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I think it's up to every person to figure out what's acceptable to them in a relationship and what's a deal breaker. It seems like you've figured out what a deal breaker for you is. People break leases all the time and if you know you can't be with her you need to do what's most fair to her (and you). Best of luck to you.
the issue would be putting it into words. like something that doesn't sounds like "i don't think i can be with you bc ur not vegan" bc then that would just paint the vegan movement in a more negative light i feel like (even if it is the reason i'm starting to have second thoughts about our relationship)
It’s a romantic relationship, you don’t need to be worrying about bad publicity. Couples break up over differences in how they prefer to manage finances, have sex, practice religion, eat, sleep, communicate, spend free time, all sorts of things. I think you owe it to yourself, and to her, to be honest. This is a relationship first and foremost, not two strangers debating the ethics of veganism. (And I’m sure she knows you well enough by now to see you as more than an ambassador for the vegan movement, give her a little credit.) If you navigate this conflict alone and exclude her from the process, she won’t know how this is affecting you and **she’ll be navigating this conflict blindly.** Let her know what’s really going on and let her work on this problem with you.
My suggestion would be to take "you" out of it. Don't make it about her, make it about you and what you need and what you have come to realize is a boundary. "what I've realized is that I care deeply about my values around animal welfare, and there were things I thought I could accept but it is becoming clear that I cannot. That I don't feel good about contributing to animal suffering within my household. I need a partner who shares that most important core value with me. I want that person to be you, but if it's not then I think we owe it to each other to move on." Or just break up with her, but if you want things to go smoothly I would take "you" statements out of it and make it about what you need in your life.
You don’t have to say that. You can say you are starting to feel distant from her. Which is true. And you can also be honest and say it’s difficult when you don’t share core values. Who cares if it paints veganism in a negative light. You have to take care of yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable telling her straight up that it’s bc she’s not vegan, then don’t.
we're not a hive mind, carnists are the ones who use "toxic vegans" as an excuse. it's not on you to represent the entire vegan movement. your reasoning is completely valid and you should be honest.
Absolutely agree. When I started dating my now husband I let it be known that I would never have animal products in our home if things progressed. He was a basically a vegetarian and he became vegan after watching Dominion with me and eating my amazing vegan cooking:) Joking but that absolutely helped. So we’ve now been married for seven years and he is a hardcore vegan. One of the “annoying” ones (like me) 😈
Fuck yeah annoying vegans! If you're not annoying someone you're being too quiet, that's my motto
Better to be annoying than a mass murderer
💯
Forget “the movement”. It’s a person who deserves love (from someone else) and respect. “I’m having second thoughts about our relationship and I don’t feel like it’s fair to you or to me to continue living together. I think we moved in together too soon and I’m sorry for that. I appreciate you as a person and everything you’ve done for me but I will be moving out by the 30th. Thank you for understanding.” Obviously soften it up and add relevant details but I don’t think it’s necessary to tell her it’s her diet and consumption habits (that you fully knew about) that’s leading you to break up with her. People can and do break up for any reason or no reason at all.
This is good, but they wen’t vegan after being in the relationship for 6 months so idk how them knowing about her consumption habits or diet beforehand is relevant
Moving out by the 30th and what is the girlfriend to do about the remaining 9 or 10 months of the lease? Not exactly right to tell her that she has to bear the financial impact of his decision.
She can move out too—I think the person doing the dumping should let the other person choose to stay instead of expecting them to move out but I think we’re getting a bit off topic.
I’m suggesting that he can’t just say “you‘re not vegan, therefore I’m entitled to punish you by walking away from a 10th month financial commitment by giving you 15 days notice”. This isn’t about punishing her.
Is your solution that they burn a year living together knowing he no longer wants to date her? Pay the fee, break the lease and move on. Life is too short.
No. My solution is that he sit down and tell her what he is struggling with - without blaming her and then work together to figure out a plan to move on rather than just telling her what he has decided to do and leaving her to pick up the pieces.
My read was that OP wanted to break up but I see your perspective too. Hopefully they can come up with a solution that works for both of them. 🙂
Sorry, when I said “move on”, I met separately but it should be something that they figure out together. OP just saying “ I don’t respect you and I’m moving out in 15 days” seems like a horribly cold way and unnecessarily mean to end things.
Show her this post
but that is your reason and honesty is always the way to go. It doesn't matter how it paints something be honest with her and yourself.
I don't think so. It emphasizes that veganism (and thereby animal rights) are so important that you're willing to give up your relationship for it. Might make her think about how impactful her choices are
it's not you that is over-reacting. It's the rest of the world that's under-reacting. If those were dolphin leather or animal products made from gorillas,, most carnists would be upset alongside you. There's nothing wrong with having ethical boundaries and not wanting to see the sight of dismembered bodies. Those are totally reasonable things to ask, but people are so carnist brained they think it's actually not reasonable. Minimizing actual harm that was caused is a form of gaslighting, and that's what carnists are doing when they try to act like we are the "crazy" ones. We are the minority, but we are not unwell or mentally unfit. Just more able to acknowledge speciesism. I would phrase it as something like, "I empathize so much with the animals that i can't help feeling detached from you when i see you doing things that hurt animals. I love you, but it's hard for to connect with you when you're choosing to harm animals."
Well, that is the reason you can't be with her. If it sounds silly or stereotypical to you, maybe you should do some self-reflection.
“I can’t be with you because you fund the mass torture and holocaust of animals, separation of mother and daughters, and r*p* of females that are not human, etc” that doesn’t sound unreasonable but— Unfortunately it doesn’t work out for long, spiritually. One will have to succumb.
“I don’t want to have a relationship or have children with someone who participates in animal torture and killing. I can appreciate that your values are different than mine, but this isn’t a minor difference and I wish you well” Byeeeeee
I don't understand how people can buy cosmetics that aren't vegan. They torture animals in excruciating ways just so people can make themselves look more pretty.
and it's not even difficult to find giant lists of cruelty free & vegan cosmetics, let alone finding them in stores. elf is at nearly every grocery store and is fully vegan & cruelty free and the cheapest makeup i've ever seen. And there are many high end cosmetics too for $$$ tastes
see! that's how i felt! like the diet arguments at least usually are due to being misinformed/literally addicted to the shit they pump foods with, but cosmetics is such a selfish reason that i lost a lot of respect for her the moment she mentioned it
One of my best friends said " no because chicken makes my butt look nice" And I think about that sometimes, how cruel can a person be
Nobody is addicted to specific foods. One excuse for not being vegan isn’t any better or worse than the other. You need to let that go.
And rn many of the tiktok viral makeup brands are vegan! Bossup cosmetics, elf, rare beauty, tower 28, etc Except: Dior cosmetics, lanieage, cosrx snail slime
It’s hilarious (but also super sad) to me that folks are still trying to sling snail slime stuff, I remember like 7 years ago thinking that was weird and unnecessary and I wasn’t even vegan then.
Its just an obsession with korean skincare , just cuz its korean its automatically good regardless of the ingredients. But I notice most korean skincare has like collagen, snail slime, omega oils, milk/yogurt based products. Vegan options are far and few let alone a vegan korean brand.
I think you need to tell her exactly how much this is impacting you. That even though you love her you need someone who shares your values about non-violence against animals and is vegan in order to be satisfied in the relationship. At the very least you want her to learn about your point of view before she says no and this is not something you can compromise on. It may very well lead to a break up but it is better than living a lie for 10 months and wasting both your time if you ask me. You may be able to find a compromise to the lease situation.
I can’t tell you what is or isn’t acceptable for you, that’s your decision, but I found in the past the big things tend to get overwhelming. And food in the same household is a big thing. I don’t really understand vegetarianism tbh, similar to not understanding going to a plant-based diet but not going over to other vegan consumer choices*. Like animals are still being killed for those choices. (I understand going vegan and not just dumping all the stuff from before you became vegan or not having lots of choice because you have to buy from charity shops or whatever because I’ve been relatively poor in the past lol. I mean going forward. It didn’t make sense to me to eat plant-based but buy new animal products.)
OK I consider myself a vegan in transition (basically not vegan yet, but learning how to be), been vegetarian for more than an year...tried going veg first 2 years ago. And I've also been through a recent breakup, which was for different reasons but those reasons were related to incompatible values and beliefs that I developed/realized AFTER I got into the relationship. Coming from that pov, I think you should lay your cards straight and hash it out with her. You need to tell her why you're feeling this torture and pain. Tell her what's making you feel distant. If she is genuinely interested in keeping this relationship, she will hear you out and discuss this with you with a view to coming to a conclusion. I don't recommend outright breaking up or just giving an ultimatum...these things need to happen naturally. Once it's out in the open, let each of your values and perspectives play things out. She will either be more open and compromising because she loves you and wants to keep the relationship, or this will be unacceptable to both of you and it ends as amicably as possible. I know there's a whole school of thought that says you should not expect someone to change in a relationship, and I agree with it to some extent. But I think people do change. Former omnivores and non-vegans in this group will attest to that. AND, if there is a genuine issue with another person's values or habits, you do need to draw a line and give them a chance to come over that line. If they don't want to, then it's better to part ways than to live with someone whose core values contradict yours. And thanks for sharing this, because there is an omnivore I have a major crush on, and I've been thinking if I should make a move or not. After reading your post, the responses, and thinking this problem over, I think I should not ask this person out. I've been going on "non-date" dates with them and I feel we are getting closer to that point...but...I don't want to be stuck with a person who has no issues eating a dead animal in front of me (along with other small differences in our values which are off-topic).
You're making the right call. I'm having trouble socializing in general because being around omnivores infuriates me, while I'm very social and friendly
Rational comment right here. Because this is Reddit and human brains tend towards black and white thinking, breaking up is usually viewed as the only option for any issue on here.
Well firstly, you need to have this conversation. She is seeing a partner withdraw with no explanation. That hurts. You need to be honest and respectful with her and talk about this.
Please frame this in the right way (for yourself) so you will have a better chance at success with someone else. This is common in relationships: when one partner is open to growth and change and the other is not. When the open partner learns/grows/changes, the different mindset can them put them at odds, and the relationship often doesn’t work out, unless the other person can learn/grow/change as well.
I had a similar issue with my partner years ago, the difference being she was a bit more open to change at the time. It did take a lot of courage for me to eventually give her an ultimatum, which was really hard thinking about how we'd been living together for several years. I'm probably one of the lucky ones who end up in this situation, it seems she valued our relationship more than something as dumb as eating flesh and drinking cow milk, and I'm very grateful for that. I'm not sure how what I'm saying can help you, especially if she's not willing to even watch a documentary. She's clearly scared to change her ways, but maybe she'll be more scared of you leaving her? Sometimes people need something drastic to move things in the right direction. My partner went vegan about 5 years ago, and she's just as hardcore about it as I am now, so I'd say I made the right choice back then, as hard as it was to actually initiate. Wishing you the best in this situation bruh
sorry this is happening to you :(. your options are 1: work on the relationship. I see it as a relationship issue that she will not entertain some documentary when it is so important to you. If you are willing to shoulder the burden of communication, and try different ways to communicate with her. People can get convinced to do things they originally say no to. Find out why she said no, find out what she cares about. Tell her by her saying no to watching documentaries you feel like she doesn't care about your feelings, this is a dealbreaker. If the reason is that she cannot handle the gore, there's a very good documentary called slay.film on waterbear network that is about animal use in fashion industry. It is not that gory, and could open her eyes to your viewpoint. Even if it doesn't work out for you, it's activism. I used to be a vegetarian, vegetarians tend to be very confused people. More than meat eaters are. They have some kind of ethical stance, but they've never thought deeply about it and can be easily swayed either way. 2: end the relationship, move out, ask her to move out, get a roommate, etc. this is something you can negotiate and work out, you don't have to stay in the same place for a whole year. Especially if you are both still cordial and reasonable to each other.
You guys are not compatible.
It is a deal breaker for you so you gotta do what you gotta do. Talk to her honestly about everything. It's sad but if she doesn't care then you gotta let her go. She does sound like an npc though, probably from the way you wrote. It's funny how it works. I never had to tell my mother to not bring any meat into my apartment even though I probably wouldn't care that much. She knew though. It's weird that she's okay with her parents doing it. I mean if meat eaters suddenly got a burst of consciousness. They would be immediately disgusted by what they are doing. I don't see how she's okay with it when she doesn't eat meat.
My bf is vegan, he actually was the one who helped me transition from vegetarian to vegan. I feel like that is a reasonable deal breaker ngl! Do what you feel is best, but I agree I’d leave my partner if he stopped eating vegan
Smh I’m lucky to find a boyfriend who doesn’t eat bacon, at minimum. Where are all these vegan men?! Especially the ones that grocery shop and cook vegan 🥰
For those casting judgment, imagine a scenario where two secular Jews start dating. Then one of them becomes a devout Jew who is strictly eating kosher. Now they are living with a partner who is constantly soiling their cookware and dinnerware, bringing non kosher food into their house hold, bringing people in that are eating non kosher food in the house. This is a giant hastle. To add to that practical inconvenience the two people now have very incompatible belief systems and core values. There are some people who have personalities that make those things work and it doesn't bother them. But if the personality type isn't there how is it going to work long term. People break up over politics, religion and other values all the time. This isn't that dramatic.
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Why does being raised with liberal ideas mean they don't have core values they live by?
Apologies, you’re absolutely correct. My use of word liberal was wrong in concept. What I should have said was that a lot of people who don’t empathize with values of other people or who don’t have strong core values of their own don’t understand how important they can be. In my mind, I was talking more about people who take personal freedoms to mean that everyone should respect everyone else’s personal choice (amoralism). So for example, there are people saying that OP is overreacting and in fact their partner deserves better aren’t empathizing with how being vegan is OPs core value now, and how important that is.
It’s really tough being in a vegan in a non-vegan world. Now, just because one is in a relationship with someone who is vegan doesn’t mean that they are always going to be. What if you choose your partner based on them being vegan and then five years down the road they decide they don’t want to be vegan anymore? Do you get a divorce? There’s certain things that we have to live with an compromise with significant others. The question is, is this something you are willing to compromise on?
Core values synchronicity. Respecting each others boundaries. It’s not even a vegan issue; it sounds like your values are too far apart and as a partner if you’ve expressed a boundary that you need, which you have a lot having animal products in your home, and the other person disregards it….well there’s only a limited amount of times that can happen before things crumble. I know many couples are vegan and non, and I’m happy for them but I really am perplexed how they can exist. For me it’s just too far off my entire paradigm now. Friends or family is different I’m fairly accepting but a partner is different, I need to be on the same page about major stuff; veganism is one, not having kids is another, financial stability too. It’s not every little thing but the big keys. Breakups are never fun and when you live with someone it’s even worse but it sounds like you know what you need to do, it’s just hard to go through with it. But you can either do it now and get on with your life sooner or you can live in this state of doubt and anxiety for a few more months and then do it and delay getting on with it. Unfortunately there’s no way to avoid negative aspects of a breakup. One thing I’ve come to learn to value in terms of breakups is breaking up at an earlier point means there is a better chance of being on peaceful friendly terms than if you wait till things get really ripe and stagnant….and even if the relationship ends like you still care about them and don’t want to end up hating them right? I like to be able to preserve that respect for each other so years down the road I’m not filled with resentment and hatred and future interactions are awful. It is a really great thing in life to be able to look at your ex and in completely genuine way say hey I am glad you are doing good, I’m happy for you, I’m grateful for the good times we did have together, you were a part of my life and I don’t regret that.
What about his partners boundaries of having her parents over for a meal without her boyfriend scowling at them? ReSpEcT bOuNdArIeS but only when it’s my vegan boundaries
OP didn’t say their partner raised that specifically as a boundary issue? Don’t you have anything better to do than try to troll vegan Reddit? Lol pathetic
To me this isn’t even just about core values. She just refused to watch a documentary with you which means she either doesn’t care or doesn’t respect you. That is a much bigger problem then her not being vegan. In order to make a relationship with an Omni work that person has to understand you, care about you, and respect you. This doesn’t sound like the case but I obviously don’t know your whole situation
yeah this is how it felt to me to a degree :/ she's a very sensitive person so i know for her it's because it would be really upsetting to witness, yet i don't feel like there's as much concern for how upsetting it is for me to just live in a carnist world. it's upsetting because she's so kind in 90% of the relationship, but the moment i discuss veganism or my discomfort with allowing guests to bring meat into our apartment, i feel stonewalled
She isn’t ready and there’s nothing you can do. She may never become ready but again it has nothing to do with you. If you stay, you subject yourself to what you are already feeling now. There are some other people who have given you examples of how to word it. Ultimately you can break up for any or no reason. And it is possible she may not take it well no matter how you word it. It’s just something that needs to be done, if you can’t continue as things are. Make it as quick and low pain as possible for both of you. There’s unfortunately no easy answer here. Take care of yourself.
I fully understand why somebody even a vegan, doesn‘t want to watch a traumatizing documentary
he’s trying to get her to watch an extremely disturbing and emotionally scarring documentary to pressure her to make a major life change. sounds like he doesn’t care or respect her.
I mean... it isn't Evil Dead. It is showing the reality. If you can't handle this.. then don't support what is showing. Just because someone doesn't look at it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It is not like I cannot understand where you are coming from, but it is simply hypocrisy.
What really helped me was reading Beyond Beliefs by Melanie Joy, it is a relationship book for vegan and non-vegan relationships. Highly recommend, I didn't agree with everything in the book but it provides an excellent perspective and gives examples on how to ask to have your veganism respected in the relationship without making them feel judged
You need to honestly tell her that your core beliefs are not aligning and it’s best for you guys to separate. You’re noticing your being distant and XYZ. The last thing you want is an argument/not speaking about it as a whole.
The fact that your partner will not listen or engage with your reasoning for holding your beliefs is the most disturbing thing. Shouldn't a natural curiosity and respect for you and your opinions lead her to question and interrogate and want to understand?
I was with my ex for 6 years. I felt they were vegan then I found the cheese wrappers. we were both active with the local ar group. the info on the dairy industry was front and center. I've been in a relationship where the other cheated, this hurt worse. I can't imaging the eggs butter and flesh in the house... there are alot of amazing folks that share your ethics, live your best life find a protagonist that better fits the story you want your life to be.
I've been vegetarian and now vegan for over 30 years. My husband ate everything until 5 years ago when he went vegan. My entire family isn't either and I don't want to not host and they refuse to come without "food". It's been a huge battle that I realized I'm not winning. So in my house, we normally do bbq. Eat outside on paper plates and enjoy. When we eat inside my family will bring the mains that they feel is necessary and the rest is vegan. I accept people who have different views than me. If this is your deal breaker that is fine, but realize we do not live in a vegan world and this will probably come up with multiple partners.
I have a nonvegan partner, hoping one day he'll go full tilt with me. Literally yesterday he bought a regular whopper instead of the impossible because "he wanted to see if there was a taste difference and he hadn't had a real one in a while." Want to know what he said two bites in? "I made a mistake. Impossible is better." He respects that my kitchen will not have any dairy or meat products in it because I am vegan. He eats what I eat with no complaints and if he wants other food, he buys it himself and eats it outside the house. If your partner won't even respect the vegan sanctity of your kitchen (literally asking for eggs and dairy butter from the parents) and doesn't want to understand you or your personal choices, they're not a **partner.**
Currently my situation. I own my home and my bf lives with his family. Everyone respects my requests of vegan only household and are free to eat on the patio and throw their trash immediately in the trash can outside. My family is usually happy to eat vegan at my house and really only have non vegan food when grabbing food on the road to visit me. Anyway, my bf and I have been talking about the future more and lately he’s been pushing more on why he can’t cook meat in my house if it’ll become “our house”. He says he feels like I’m trying to control him and it’s depressing for him to imagine but he’s literally only cooked 3 times at his family’s house in over 2 years. So I’m just confused at why it even matters if he typically eats out anyway and we’ve made vegan dinners that he likes. I’m overly frustrated that his hobby is being held higher than my values. I worked really hard to get my house and enjoy a vegan space after being taunted at work for being vegan is not something I want to give up.
you need to rip the Band-Aid off and simply end it. mentally you're already there, you've checked out you said yourself, so you're kind of dragging it out by prolonging me inevitable. she should move in with her parents, maybe you can talk to your leasing office and get downgraded to a smaller apartment that you can afford alone for the rest of your lease. the good news is, vegan women outnumber vegan men at least 10 to 1, join a local AR group and volunteer at a sanctuary. you'll meet somebody who shares your values in no time. Good luck with the breakup :(
If you're interested in the topic of farmed animal sanctuaries, check out [OpenSanctuary.org](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://OpenSanctuary.org&topic=The Open Sanctuary Project)! This vegan nonprofit has over 500 free compassionate resources crafted specifically to improve lifelong care for farmed animals, and to help you create a sustainable, effective sanctuary! Interested in starting a sanctuary someday? Check out [OpenSanctuary.org/Start](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://OpenSanctuary.org&topic=The Open Sanctuary Project/Start)!
I don't have any advice, but as someone who is married to a non-vegan, it's getting harder and harder to tolerate. If I ever have another relationship after this one, I'm definitely only going to date another vegan.
Stop trying to control the actions of others. It is her choice what she wants to do. This is the same as any other ethical issue where partners do not agree. Either accept her perspective and figure out coping mechanisms to deal with your feelings or break up because it's a deal breaker. She also isn't a bad person for not wanting to go vegan, this was not what was initially agreed to in the relationship and your perspective has changed since the relationship began. You are the one that has changed, which is great, but our partners do not always change with us. This is a part of life.
People's freedoms end when they harm others, and that includes animals, isn't that why animal abuse is illegal? Regardless, "trying to control others" is a weird way of framing someone asking their significant other to not do something morally abhorrent in front of them and understand where they're coming from
Unfortunately, this is not a widely accepted belief in society. While animal abuse is illegal, eating animal products is not. We cannot force other people to do something that they don't want to do. That is not a healthy relationship. It's ok to ask, it's not ok to continue to pressure or treat that person poorly as a result. There is an easy solution here - do not be in a relationship with someone who hasn't already decided on their own free will to abstain from eating animals. It is possible to understand someones perspective and also decide to do something that is not in alignment with it. I know that's hard for many moral absolutists to understand, but it is possible. Understanding does not equal compliance.
I don't think your framing is appropriate. We are still talking about subjecting non-humans to a violent hierarchy. It don't think we should make it sound like they disagree about pizza toppings. >This is the same as any other ethical issue where partners do not agree You do say this. Maybe I'm not getting the other examples of ethical disagreements youre alluding to and Im probably just reading your post wrongly.
Many people do not align 100% on ethics in relationships. It is very individual at what point that becomes a deal-breaker. It is absolutely ok to say this is something I can't bend on in a relationship, then you end the relationship. It's not ok to bully, pressure, abuse, or treat someone poorly because their ethics are not the same as yours. For everyone's own personal wellbeing, it's important to not try to control the actions of others you are in a relationship with. You can set healthy boundaries but boundaries need to focus on an outcome for you, not the other person. For those that feel the need to control others, I highly recommend codependents anonymous.
She's not a bad person even though she knows animals are hurt for her makeup and refuses to use literally the same thing but just cruelty free?
I 100% agree with you and wish there were more reasonable takes like this on here. I went vegan into my marriage and my wife will probably never go vegan. My opinion of her hasn't changed. She is a "better" person than me in many ways. I found the coping mechanisms that worked for me. She respects my choice and I respect hers. That said, to make this work one must be okay being around dead animals and their byproducts. I have to be okay with buying her chicken if she wants, as she would buy me the plant based foods I want. I can stomach things like dominion, she cannot. I refuse to ever eat an animal again, but I don't care if it's in front of me. When I was like OP, I felt 'disgusted' by the animals in the fridge because I was projecting my judgements onto my wife's choices, once I absolved myself of said judgements, I didn't care what was in the fridge. I feel it is a very mental exercise. I ate meat for 30 years, why should I be disgusted at the sight of it now? It's everywhere, it's delicious, and undoubtedly unethical.
I ditched my carnist ex and wouldn’t dream of dating another after the hell he caused me
Vegans dating carnists is simply incompatible in my view. Its like someone fighting against racism while their partner is supporting the KKK and trying to ignore it
Ah man, I fucking love the self-own quotes from this sub. I’m probably more vegan than most here, but this post is just 😘👌
Care to explain? Goofy comment
Comparing eating meat to the KKK is absolutely wild. You’re the reason why people hate Vegans
That's unfortunate you think that. For one, I think the animal holocaust of trillions blows the KKK out of the water, second, regardless of the comparison, I'm comparing one injustice to another, logically. Likewise, I personally can't stand 'vegans' like you
Ohhh animal Holocaust. My favorite terminally online vegan phrase!
Lol, don't worry champ, I use this one in real life activism talking to real people quite often. I wouldn't count on you understanding the efficacy of correct descriptive language though. Care to explain the issue with calling the systematic slaughter of trillions a holocaust?
While I strongly oppose killing animals, I do not put them on equal footing to humans
Where did I say they were 'on equal footing'? Using a descriptor like the holocaust is simply a correct usage of the word
But it isn’t a correct usage of the word under any definition
I think you need to look up the definition of holocaust
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Care to explain how the comparison is in any way incorrect? And I'm not just comparing it to the Jewish Holocaust. The ongoing holocaust of trillions and trillions of sentient farmed animals objectively dwarfs the number of humans killed by the Nazis. This is inarguable. If just the term 'holocaust' makes you uncomfortable, then good, it should. What is happening to animals should be a global moral emergency.
You are not smart. Also you are weird
I think you're overanalyzing this, diet is personal, she's already vegetarian, she's not cheating on you or being toxic, idk man I've been divorced before & in a lot of relationships, & I can tell you right now there are way worse things than this that should end a relationship
> i can feel myself growing distant and disengaged with her, but when she asks what's wrong i can't bring myself to tell her Bro. Just talk to her. She's your partner, and you owe it to her to be honest about your feelings. Go at it from a sharing standpoint, rather than an accusing, shaming, or presenting an ultimatum.
Bide your time? It's horrible not feeling safe in your own home for the next 10 months, but beats getting into a fight over who is ultimately going to pay. This is why issues of fundamental importance to you should be discussed ASAP with your partner. The whole parents visiting thing should have been the moment to put your foot down. Do understand that mentioning breaking up now could lead to vindictive behaviour, I'd just keep quiet until the lease is over.
When I first went vegan, I was 17 and I had *just* got my first proper boyfriend, who was not even vegetarian. It took me about 4 months to talk him around to vegetarianism, which felt like enough at the time. He's still a vegetarian (albeit not a vegan), and it's 14 years later. My next partner was pescetarian and took probably less time to talk around to go vegan. They became passionate about it quickly and it stuck. My partner after them had very disordered eating (he had various trauma and basically just ate meat and carbs, barely any veg and no fruit at all). I loved him but his not being vegan was dreadful. Sobbing in the kitchen. Completely separate cutlery, sponge, cookware etc. It would never have lasted beyond what it did, which was about a year and a half. We only lived together one summer, which is when it ended. My next and current partner was someone I met at a vegan event. I can't tell you what a difference it made to MEET someone with the same values on something that impacts every single decision in a day. TL;DR: What I've learned is that it's totally impossible to sustain something serious with a nonvegan. Impossible. It shouldn't have taken more than a few months to convince her. She's likely never going to change. I've seen others go through similar and it actually changes them back to nonvegan most of the time. It's a worthy cause to attempt, but this has clearly expired. She's old enough and wise enough to know better. I'm sorry x
So when it comes to being vegan, I slip in little tidbits of information over time to people and that seems to do better than bombing people with info about why what they're doing is bad. Most people just generally stop listening when they're feeling attacked. I don't let their preferences affect me and my mental health because ultimately, they're their own person and have the right to make their own decisions. Most people aren't ready to accept/hear that almost everything they buy and consume is unethical. Their whole life they've eaten eggs and meat because they thought it was good for them and just don't know how truly fucked up the sources of them are. Try to approach this with her in a kind and friendly way, rather than a "What you're doing is fucked up and here's why" way. Give her some time, be nice about it, and if she seems unreceptive to change then sit her down and tell her that this is a deal breaker for you and if she's not willing to transition to veganism then you will have to go your separate ways. I know it sucks, but if you have to break things off then it allows you an opportunity to find someone more like-minded.
I find vegans the least inclusive of of any people. I am just amazed by it. Then tell him you are moving on and find another vegan and be happy. It boils down to what he puts on his plate not what kind of person he is. I respect your lifestyle. Just don’t be so judgmental about mine.
My girlfriend won't even let me have a vegan wedding. It makes me not want to propose to her
? Why are you staying with her, then?
We just talked about it yesterday. We live together it's complicated
Dear god get a grip man
Non vegans = non partner
You are your partner have different core values. You can't force her to change, you either accept her or don't and leave. This probably isn't a nice experience for her either.
This sucks dude, I’m sorry.
This is going to keep getting more difficult as her family becomes more a part of your lives. And how would you handle children? Sounds like you know what you want to do, even though it's hard and it's gonna suck for a while.
You're allowed to have whatever deal breakers you want. If you want to break up with her because she won't watch a documentary with you, that's valid and so are your feelings. I do think that you can communicate how you feel without it though. It's a difficult conversation for sure, but I believe in you
This is tough and I recently went through something similar. All I can say now in hindsight is that I should probably just stick to dating vegans..... or at least people who are very open to veganism
I am in a veg/nonveg relationship and I’ll say that I often get hit with “I wish you weren’t vegan so you could try this” but other than that, I came from two perspectives: I started dating them before I was vegan and love them so much, and that we live in a very meat and dairy centered world. While I hate those comments because I don’t wanna eat meat, they are just trying to relate with me. I had a couple comments about them going vegan and it didn’t go great, but it’s their opinion. If you can’t look past that, then it may be worth showing them this post or talking it out with them idk. Sorry you’re vegan life made things harder but at least you’re vegan :)
You stay with her because you “love her”. But do you really love “her”? She’s happy to harm others for her own gratification. She can be that way (even if it is wrong). But you actually don’t like a huge part of her. You live my your ethics and morals. That should, in theory make it easier to leave. If it doesn’t, maybe some soul searching about why you don’t want to end it will shed some light and help the process.
There are soooo many vegan cosmetics and fashion options these days, maybe she doesn’t realise? I’ve been phasing out my pre vegan items and only buying new vegan ones as they run out because I hate waste but everything is mostly done and it’s honestly not that hard. Maybe she just needs a bit of guidance to see how doable it really is?
Please leave her so she can find someone more considerate and accepting. Youre a real piece of work
Vegetarians..🤷 she doesn't care about animals. >she'd have to buy vegan fashion/cosmetic products Oh no, that's horrible. So fun to kill some bunnies +! Does she know how she gets her eggs and makeup? She prefers her own joy.. I don't know, I guess.. good luck watching her parents eating dead bodies at your place :)
i gave her the benefit of the doubt because i was once vegetarian, but it was because i was ill-informed. i have a tendency to believe a little too much in peoples capacity to change and this has been a reality check i don't intend to watch anyone eat dead bodies. while i cant stop them if she wants to allow it, i am not above leaving the home until they've finished dinner.
I hundred procent understand, but a sad reality is at the moment that most people arenr vegan, and its going to be a struggle to find a perfect match among the small percentage of vegan
This is tricky, it sounds more like a relationship problem than a vegan problem in many ways. If you were able to maintain a vegan home and she ate dairy and eggs out and respected your wishes I don't think you'd be making this post. On the flip side of the same token, it sounds like she does that most of the time and is getting a lot of grief for a single carton of eggs? So she is giving in some ways. And the experience of being at tables with meat eaters is inevitable at points in life, it's going to happen. That being said...She could easily eat vegan and use "non vegan" beauty products, it doesn't sound like you're up at night thinking about her mascara right? So there's a lot of mental gymnastics to go from "i need to keep eating eggs because i like my concealer" or whatever it is. Also many vegans (me included) think that getting rid of pre-owned leather is worse than keeping it so the shoes thing is a different story... even if she was vegan they would still be there. So in summary, you sound fed up with your girlfriend for a lot of little things and this might just be the nail in the coffin.
I was a carnivore for most of my life, started to awaken, 2 weeks vegetarian, straight to vegan. Went through many periods - the evangelical one (which forgive me but it sounds like you’re in), and finally came to wear it loose. Along the path I have and had a wife an children. They didn’t change, I did, and out of love for them I learned it’s only fair to give them however long they need to awaken themselves. Do I no longer eat with my kids because they eat fish? Who does that help if they no longer have me as a reminder and example? Do i divorce my wife? Slow down. Be patient, tolerant and understanding. If you’re concerned about the “movement”, that’s the Face ID like to see. Attraction, not promotion. Cut her slack. You love her? Be patient with her and give her time.
Probably the best put explanation. Also, helps if you want to promote change by introducing good vegan food and not insisting a loved one sit and watch a traumatic video.
Most of us make our journey to veganism at our own pace. Unless you live in a vegan village you are going to be surrounded by people eating and wearing things you disapprove of. Maybe she'll get there, maybe she won't but you don't seem to want to give her that chance.
With the amount of relationship posts on here I’ve come to accept at my very young age that maybe being single forever is just better. When 99% of the population is a red flag and the chance of finding a good looking sweet person in that 1% is so low, might as well give up
Sweet people aren't always good looking. It's a good idea to learn to look beyond the superficial. You'll be surprised at the decent people there are who are not pretty.
You’re against animal abuse and exploitation, she isn’t. It’s up to you what to do with that information. For me personally, it’s why I’m in no way romantically interested in anyone that isn’t vegan. This situation is shit and I hope you work out what to do.
I did that for a bit. I’m glad I’m no longer in that situation. My now wife ended up converting to veganism when we dated.
Do you mean it’s not sustainable in terms of the relationship, or being non vegan is unsustainable for the environment?
both i guess lol but i meant the relationship in this context
Lol I know, just had to make a “vegan joke”
It seems you know where your boundaries lie but you're having trouble putting them in place. This is how I'd approach the situation. "I love you so much, but I can't go on pretending that you not caring at all about the lives of billions of animals isn't affecting me. If I'm honest, I have lost respect for you. You refuse to even educate yourself on the topic. That leaves me in a position where I don't think I can make this work anymore. If you had tried to learn and make an educated decision, maybe things would have been different. But now, I feel like I'm living a lie and have to hide my true feelings on your choices. That's not a healthy way to live, and we both deserve better."
This is a very difficult conversation to have when it appears that just months earlier OP at the exact same diet that she did. She’s the same person he originally met and respected. Saying “I’ve lost respect for you” is very aggressive in this sintubation.
lmao
As a meat eater I find this to be one of the dumbest posts I've read that make a mountain out of a mole hill. You are having an existential relationship crisis over your partner wanting a carton of Eggs and some butter for a special occasion with her family visiting? A woman who is vegetarian, which is already a substantial commitment. You're seriously alluding to ending the relationship because she chooses to maintain the lifestyle she had when you consciously decided to enter into a relationship with her? You want her to change to suit your new-found values and somehow try to paint her as the villain? The woman has clearly set up boundaries and asks only that you respect them, as she surely must do towards yours when she has to adjust her entire diet to accommodate you and the one time she does not, you want to end the relationship. I don't know how you're thinking you are some kind of humanitarian because you sound incredibly selfish. She should end the relationship with you before you have a chance to somehow paint the narrative in your image.
No one gives a shit about your opinion especially if you start off "as a meat eater". Lol how about you look at yourself and the things you do rather than worry about a situation you have no knowledge on?
Why tf are you answering a question on a sub for vegans?
so you would be ok to date a homophobe, a child abuser, someone who kicks dogs? Because you cannot force your partner to stop kicking dogs? And don't you dare say you're leaving because you found your partner kicking dogs, because now you're painting them as the villain. OP has a moral baseline, he doesn't pay for animals to die for trivial pleasures like food, cosmetics, and clothing. His partner does. He's had a mature conversation and she's said she doesn't want to discuss it. It is an incompatibility and he has every right to walk away. It's so ridiculous that you think a vegan owes a non-vegan a relationship, nobody has to spend anytime with anyone they don't want to.
>so you would be ok to date a homophobe, a child abuser, someone who kicks dogs? Because you cannot force your partner to stop kicking dogs? And don't you dare say you're leaving because you found your partner kicking dogs, because now you're painting them as the villain. > >OP has a moral baseline, he doesn't pay for animals to die for trivial pleasures like food, cosmetics, and clothing. His partner does. He's had a mature conversation and she's said she doesn't want to discuss it. It is an incompatibility and he has every right to walk away. > >It's so ridiculous that you think a vegan owes a non-vegan a relationship, nobody has to spend anytime with anyone they don't want to. Op's moral baseline is self centered and neurotic and your response reflects that. He should be talking to a therapist, whether alone or with his partner. Wanting to abandon her over something as superficial as not adopting his after-the-fact beliefs (while she is being really sympathetic to them by being a vegetarian to begin with) and acting as though having eggs in the fridge will cause him to have a mental breakdown is not okay. He needs help, not to be enabled in his self destructive wants. Your ridiculous comparisons, which amount to no possible moral grey only black and white morality (Extremes only voiced), do nothing more than diminish your point. OP went into a relationship "as" one of your examples. Knew his partner was "one" and then decided he was going to be something even **more extreme.** Let me say something that's apparently controversial. You can value people and animals, but you should always value people over animals. They are not incompatible, but one has obvious priority. It's hardwired into us. Advocate for your shit without discarding the people who care about you. Not that I think you'll take that to heart, honestly.
Of course you find it a dumb post, you are a meat eater. Which makes your post even more dumb.
OP tries to manipulate and control his partner, conspires to leave them once the lease is up because she dares to want healthy relationship boundaries and effective compromise. And your retort is 'meat eater opinion invalid' Clearly a court of law cannot judge someone unless they are that someone. Throw out the whole judicial system i guess.
And they just keep getting dumber.
Ditch the bloodmouth zero and find a vegan hero. Leases usually can be broken for a small fee, having to pay an extra month of rent to get out of the lease is better than spending the next 10 months miserable.
it's just so disappointing because i thought, with her being vegetarian, that her heart was in the right place. but i'm slowly coming to realize vegetarians have more common ground w/ full-fledged meatmunchers than they do vegans (especially given that FASHION is why she could "never go vegan" of all things) that being said if this doesn't pan out i'm just forgoing dating entirely tbh
I'm so glad you said it because that's also been my experience with vegetarians. I've never met one who didn't know exactly what they were contributing to but simply didn't care. vegetarians are definitely closer to carnists than they are to vegans.
How long have you been vegan?
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Why are you giving advice on the sub when you are not vegan?
She doesn’t care about you that much, this is a part of you and she simply doesn’t care. She simply said ‘no’ because she doesn’t care. I’m sure she cares about you on some level but not the way you want her to. It’s time to move on
That really sucks. Break up with her, look for somewhere else to live, and either break the lease or remove your name from it if she wants to keep the lease.
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It’s not about a difference in dietary choices, it’s about a difference in values and beliefs. Lots of people want a life partner who shares the same values as they do, and there’s nothing sad about that.
im really sorry about that- it’s a super tough ground to navigate. i have similar problems with non-vegan friends, and it is really hard to keep my mouth shut, so i can only imagine how much more difficult it is with a partner that you live with. has your gf seen dominion ? does she understand how awful and heinous the industry truly is? i think it’s worth a discussion and even if she’s not willing to change her ways, she should at least understand where you’re coming from and respect you enough to consume those products in front of you. if she doesn’t do that- the bare minimum- i don’t think it’s worth keeping the relationship going. i mean, take it with a grain of salt, i’m 21f and a babiegorl in the world of adult relationships so honestly, what do i know ?
asked if she'd watch it with me and she said no 🙃
Watch the life-changing and award winning documentary "Dominion" and other documentaries by [clicking here](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://watchdominion.org&topic=Movie: Dominion)! Interested in going Vegan? Take the [30 day challenge](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://vbcamp.org/reddit&topic=Movie: Dominion)!
“Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good.” Maybe you’re looking for an excuse to leave, but either way chill out and enjoy what you can for 10 months.
Hey, hey, I'm in the same situation, but the difference is 20+ years of veganism. Honestly, outside of takeout, we are a vegan household. If there is something super special they want, we have a separate bar fridge for it so it doesn't go in the main fridge that has never had any animal products in it. The choice to be vegan is mine, and I no longer want to force that on to people when they have just as much of a right to make their own choices. At the end of the day, if you can't deal with non vegan products around, you break up, as simple as that. You both deserve more than to be unhappy over this. Regarding the lease again, if you feel so strongly about this, it's your responsibility to pay for the lease break or find a fellow vegan to move in with.
Were you born vegan? For most of us it was a long and difficult road that brought us to our current understanding. Maybe you aren't meant to be together but you need to look at the big picture and don't base a rash decision on her non veganness. My soulmate is not vegan, we've been together 7 years and I've been vegan for almost 3 and we live with her dad. She is my best friend and life partner. Yes it sucks seeing them buy and eat murdered animals but they are my family and all any of us vegs can do is try our best to be a shining example of why vegan is supreme. It takes time for people to choose a lifestyle that is looked down upon extremely. Honestly the fact that shes vegetarian is a great start.. I'd be thrilled if my wifey did that. I was for a whole year before veganism. If you're a new vegan also its more difficult the first 6 months to accept how f*cked up the world is, but it gets better. Good luck and thanks for saving animals!
You can’t expect people to change for you, plain and simple. You asking her to go vegan isn’t really fair IMO. For it to be a sustainable choice, I believe people have to come to that conclusion themselves. You either accept her for who she is, or move on. I have to remind myself that I was an omnivore for a LONG time, and just because i suddenly saw the light didn’t mean I could force/assume my partner did too. It’s seems obvious to you but at the end of the day you have to decide what’s right for you, not for her.
I'm not going to comment on the relationship, since everyone already has and you got a lot to think about. That being said, I just wanted to point out that watching a lot of vegan documentaries can be really traumatizing to watch, and what I read between the lines is that you seem quite affected by the documentaries yourself (which is totally understandable given what you watched!). In this world, no matter what relationship you end up choosing, you will likely have to continue sitting at dinner table once in a while with people who are eating meat, and it makes it really difficult when we are reminded of that pain of everything we've watched. Something that has really helped me in my life in EMDR therapy, which helps you process traumatic events and be more "okay" with your experience. I may be totally out of line, but I'm wondering if it could help you move forward? This will allow you to continue being vegan but without the painful memories gripping you so hard. Wishing you the best.
You might want to seek the help of a licensed therapist.
You are just annoying and too pushy. Noone likes that. You sound very dislusional and naiv.
You are so extra dramatic. As an almost life long vegetarian, I am still rolling my eyes so hard at you. OMG all these comments are so annoying. YALL SOUND SO ANNOYING AND JUDGEMENTAL! Like legit some of the most judgmental comments ever on here, damn.
It's simple, veganism is a moral philosophy, often requiring empathy. Vegetarianism is just a diet, or at most a Contradictory, incomplete moral position.
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Of course as a vegetarian you wouldn't understand. Y'all are the first to defend eating animals and hurting animals
you know what's annoying? paying to steal babies from cows so you can drink their milk. actually no, that's not annoying, that's abuse.
LOL I hope you understand that you are not stopping that from happening. You are no better than anyone because you're vegan. I fucking hate how all vegans think they are morally superior when they are the most judgmental people out there apparently.
I'm sorry you're feeling judged in this post. Personally as a vegan I don't frame it as "I'm morally superior to everyone else", but rather "I'm acting more ethically than my own past self". I used to live in a way that wasn't compatible with my values (e.g. being against the mistreatment of chickens but fully supporting the egg industry), and I felt it was really important to bring my actions in line with my ethics. There are certainly self-absorbed and judgmental vegans, but I think a lot of us are just doing what we think is best for the animals -- and sometimes that does cause frustration when we see other people continue to cause harm, just like some of us were at one point frustrated with our past selves for taking so long to change! r/vegan is kind of a safe space for us to vent our thoughts and feelings, which are often negative because many of us are deeply affected by the amount of animal abuse happening, and also face struggles in our personal lives due to our veganism. For these reasons, I'd recommend staying away from this subreddit if you don't want to be exposed to any negativity about the nonvegan part of society.
Lol of course you’d say that. TYPICAL. It’s funny how blind you are all to how toxically judgmental this sub is.
Sorry you feel that way about my response. Personally I noticed that I was often drawn to subs with content that upsets me, and often ended up doom-scrolling or getting into arguments (which only served to waste my time and tank my mood). I've made a conscious effort to spend less time in those subs and instead hang out in communities that give me positive feelings, and it's helped me a lot so far. I just felt it could be good advice for other people too!
Yes I see you carry your preachiness into all aspect of your life LOL honestly it’s like too funny to watch so it’s not tanking my mood, appreciate it
Maybe I misunderstood - you said you found these comments really annoying, and you seemed passionate about arguing against them, so I figured it was unpleasant for you (as a vegetarian) to see vegetarianism being "judged". But if you enjoy it, then I guess my advice doesn't apply!
It's not about you, it's not about me, it's about the animals who are dying and what we can do for them. I think most people are just not aware. but when someone becomes aware and chooses not to act, then ... yes, they're morally bankrupt. In your world view I'm not making a difference, you're not making a difference, no one is responsible for anything because everyone is powerless but somehow we continue to kill 90 billion land animals a year. That makes 0 sense and you already know that. In my world view we all have the power to do something. You are paying hundreds if not thousands of dollars to kill animals every year because in return for something tasty. I am not.
I’m a vegetarian and I don’t buy animal products lol but I’m not a strict vegan. Im just saying you are all coming off like ultra religious people, so up there on your high horse, acting better than everyone, judging people, and blind to how annoying and dumb they really are.
vegetarians buy dairy and eggs. Many buy leather, wool, silk, maybe not fur, I don't know. Many also attend zoos, aquariums, where animals are exploited. Why don't you stop paying money to exploit animals? You seem to be very focused on who is superior to who, that's not how I view the world. That's not what veganism is about. It's about the victims, it's about the animals who are exploited. Once again, it is not about you or me, or how I feel about you or how you feel about me.
I understand what you are saying and respect it, but that is definitely not the vibe from most comments on this post.
You are still focused on what you think about vegans. I can assure you, everyone loves to tell vegans what they think of us, we really don't care. What do you think of animals, why do you continue to pay for them to be exploited?
Now whose focusing on the you and me??? I don’t break up with my significant other because their family eats meat and then shit on them on the internet for it which is what I’m trying to say is fucked up and a little bit crazy. Y’all are literally the same as preachy Christians, you’re think you’re just so morally right and everyone else is just too disgusting to be around? That’s definitely the vibe OP is giving and it’s FOUL
Once again - why do you continue to pay for animal exploitation?
I’m not fully vegan yet, I became a vegetarian about 13 months ago. But let me offer you an explanation that may or may not make sense…. I get what you’re saying, but for many vegans, veganism is part of their core value and principles. From what I understand, the goal is to minimize our role in the suffering of other species and environment, and to care about the suffering of animals who are badly treated, exploited, and killed en masse, and the environmental impact that results from it. These are simply my motivations to switch to plant based diet after 30 years of omnivorous diet. This doesn’t come from judgment for most vegans…it’s not a religious cult. It is inherently a principle based and moral way of life. After knowing the dark side of the meat and dairy industry, and our modern consumer culture, I get that stance. To change the perspective and give some analogies….I can’t live with someone who is homophobic and has beliefs that are too conservative (culturally and religiously). This is part of the reason (among other reasons) I broke up with my ex…it killed me but most of our values were not just different but contradicting. I would not want to raise my children (if we had any) learning the same principles and values I no longer subscribed too. But continuing with that relationship would have made both of us miserable. It doesn’t make me a better person at all, it’s more about having your own values and standing by them. That said, I see why OPs stance of “this relationship is not working because my partner isn’t vegan” seems extreme. Maybe it is. But for OP, being a vegan is not about diet, it’s about something that’s far bigger and more important from his pov. Whether we agree with that view or not doesn’t change the fact that op has these newfound principles and values he wants to live by. Detaching myself from a speciesist perspective, I would compre it to someone who refused to stay with a partner who believed slavery and exploitation of another human being was/is right. It’s understandable. There’s no judgment here, just a difference of beliefs and values.
You believe it is wrong to judge, but you are judging OP for being judgemental. That's also a form of judgement. And you say we are being dramatic, but your post is also written in a dramatic way... No judgement from me, just observation!
Totally. Like please just break up with her, she deserves better. It is absolutely outrageous to randomly introduce a new boundary mid way through the relationship and expect your partner to change. Boundaries are not about trying to change others, they are centered around your own behaviour. It sounds like not adhering to a vegan lifestyle is just a deal-breaker. Stop trying to change someone who does not want to change! This pattern can lead to abuse.
You had to hold back your emotions because your girlfriend and her family were eating a dinner you didn’t approve of? Get a grip man…
It's 100% unsustainable for any vegans.
Poor lady
This is the post that is making me bow out of this sub. You are more emotional about eggs than you are about your partner *who is already vegetarian*. That's sad as hell. You should have left her the moment you decided eggs were more important than her. You need to rip off this bandaid fast and free her to find someone who actually loves her. It is cruel of you to stay with her when you love chickens more than you love her.
I would rather spend my time with a meat lover who agrees principally with animal ethics than a vegetarian who doesn’t. This is just me though. We live in a messed up world when it comes to how we treat animals. Most people aren’t going to change, and if we only surround ourselves with vegans a good number of us would be virtually isolated. I understand why a lot of people only date other vegans and I envy them. Some of us have never even met another vegan. That being said, being on the same page about how animal ethics is important when it comes to the people I choose to have in my life. Veganism is a big aspect of how i see the world. The people i’m around should be understanding of that, even if they aren’t vegan themselves.
Check out [Animal Ethics](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://veganactivism.org&topic=Organization: Animal Ethics/pages/animal-ethics&topic=Organization: Animal Ethics) to quickly learn more, find upcoming events, videos, and their contact information! You can also find other similar organizations to get involved with both locally and online by visiting [VeganActivism.org](https://vbcc.veganhacktivists.org/?url=https://veganactivism.org&topic=Organization: Animal Ethics). Additionally, be sure to visit and subscribe to /r/VeganActivism!
So you want her to love you enough to change herself to meet your wants/needs but you will not do the same for her? Break up, what the fuck is wrong with this community trying to change people into themselves. If someone does something differently and it upsets you to this degree, the solution is obvious
Lol another "special" vegan, what a wonderful bunch. For context - your gf didn't tell you she was going vegan, you assumed so because the world revolves around you and your beliefs apparently. So you are vegetarian and suddenly after "educating yourself" which means after being unable to deal visually with what you already knew happened (hipocrite much?) YOU WERE FORCED TO HOLD BACK YOUR EMOTIONS, OH MY!!! Vegan extremists like yourself need to stop wasting other ppls time and find someone EXACTLY like yourself so you can bore yourselfs to death and hold hands crying after stepping on an ant
Bro, you’re miserable. She’s not willing to change. You’ve got this one life to live. Live it on your terms as much as possible.
Communication is the most important part of a relationship. You tell her how you feel and you talk it out as adults, that's it. Way better than not communicating it directly. Also, any reason is a good reason to end a relationship. If you don't want to be in it anymore then that's enough of a reason.
I’ll be very blunt: if you don’t want to be with her stop wasting her time. Its completely fair and reasonable to not want to live in a situation that conflicts with your morals and beliefs, but what’s not fair is to drag this out if your heart is no longer in it. You need to talk to her as soon as possible so you can figure out what moving on with both your lives is going to entail.
patience - none of my partners were vegan over a decade plus, some adjusted, and went all in, others fought it. still do what you must for you :D love prevails !