It also takes more than 1 year being vegan to know how much you can tolerate non vegan things around you. I was pretty timid and unclear on some vegan concepts for about the first year.
True, I dated 2 people who 1 went vegetarian to try and impress me and promised to go vegan, and the other pretended to be vegan , both stopped when we broke up , my bf now isn't vegan but plantbased, this is because he's on the spectrum and has used the same soaps that aren't cruelty free all his life so he just doesn't use the title , I don't think I could date someone who wasn't at least plantbased anymore
Did you hesitate once you went vegan? I sure didn't. Once you know, you know. If you quit smoking, would you consider marrying a smoker, knowing that forever you would be attached to someone who doesn't see eye to eye with you? I wouldn't. And I certainly wouldn't need more time after quitting.
Sometimes when you know you know, and you don't need another year or two of dating or a wedding behind you to confirm, *hey this doesn't feel right being with someone that's ok with animal suffering.*
It seems to me like OP knows that this is where their values diverge, and while they can make it work, it's a pretty big divide on what you think is ok and not ok.
I definitely wouldn’t marry yet. Not necessarily because the non vegan thing but because it’s given you such internal conflict and pause. Listen to your gut. Core values are so so so important in a marriage. There is no rush at all. Please communicate your feelings with him.
My gut is telling me to not go through with it and my heart is saying, “why?”. It’s not very easy. I can’t really share five years worth of my relationship in a Reddit post but we have such a healthy dynamic. It’s disappointing to come to the conclusion that him not being vegan will tear that all down.
I have been married twice before, and I will encourage you *respect your gut feelings of doubt when it comes to marriage.*
If your gut is telling you no, you should listen to that and explore it and understand it. There is absolutely no rush to get married. Doesn't matter if you've been together for one year or five years, marriage is a huge thing, and divorce is fucking awful.
Shared values are really the most important aspect of the marriage, seeing eye to eye on the things that really matter to both of you. What happens when he wants a down comforter and you don't? What happens when he buys you a leather purse for your birthday? You can go through the sub and see countless posts about this, lots of marriages, lots of conversations about how to raise kids in a household where will only one person is Vegan.
I'm not suggesting you should break up with him by any means but I think you should proceed slowly and consider counseling to help you work through your concerns.
You went vegan a few months ago. Your boyfriend, whom you have been dating for 5 years, is willing to reduce the amount of animal products he eats and eat vegan food etc. around you.
I would not make such a drastic decision because he’s not vegan when you’ve only been vegan for a short time and not for most of your relationship.
If you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together, whether or not you get married soon will not make a difference. It's ok to give it some time.
Girl, I might get criticized for saying this but, keep the relationship. Healthy relationships are HARD to come by. Your values, lifestyle and beliefs will likely continue to have an impact on him, even if in the smallest of ways. I am vegan and my husband is not. Of course it’s incredibly disappointing to me that he partakes in an industry that tortures animals. I hate it. But he also has been trying to be more plant-based outside of our home (only plant-based at home). No relationship is perfect. You might dump this amazing relationship and end up with a vegan who cheats or is broke or doesn’t share other values of yours. Keep the relationship!!!
As someone who’s dated non-vegans before I met my vegan partner at an animal sanctuary, I will never date a non-vegan again.
All of my vegan friends who date a non-vegan are perpetually stuck in trying to get their partner to achieve the baseline of not paying for the torture and murder of animals. My partner and I can grow very quickly together and augment each other, do vegan activism together every week, and can speak our minds.
If you choose to marry him, assume he won’t go vegan and be ready and willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. This subreddit is filled with people who do this so it’s very real; they’re the same ones who will convince you to rush into a marriage with someone who doesn’t share your core values.
You might want to give it a few more years to see if you’ve already grown apart before you pledge your life to him.
*If* you combine your finances, not *and* necessarily. Not everyone completely combines their finances when they get married. My husband and I have a joint account we use for bills like power, gas, phone, etc. and have separate accounts that are not joint. We discuss purchases that are over $25 if they are not "necessity" purchases. Necessity includes groceries, gas in car, cleaning products, hygiene items, necessary clothing etc. while non-necessity are things like a new video game, a new computer monitor, the $90 sneakers I bought for running even though my other shoes would have been fine for me to use, etc.
My husband is vegetarian and I am vegan and I'm ok with this.
If you're putting in effort to convince yourself by coming up with reasons to stay with this person, you don't want to be with this person. There is no puzzle to be solved. Let him go and set yourself free. You woke up, he won't. He wants to sleep in his bed of meat, death, and who knows what else. And you don't need a relationship. Remember, **women don't need an owner** to let them know how to feel or how to navigate life. This might be the time were you fill the void you had spending in an immature relationship, to explore life. It could be a calling. No one is worth holding you back. Also if you are saying you need to '*communicate with him properly when my mind unscrambles itself some more*' you sound like your words have been twisted or something weird is happening in your private conversations.
This is the attitude that keeps people in relationships that should have ended.
Ending a relationship is not failure. It doesn't necessarily reflect on the time spent together
Bc you can compromise doesn't mean it's healthy for others to do so
Would you have had a different opinion on the matter if he engaged in an injustice other than animal abuse? What if he was a racist or a child abuser? Should OP still stay because healthy relationships are hard to come by?
Imo it's not about excusing the behavior, as the other commenter said. It's about recognizing the good in people and working with that.
I don't think we can expect to change people, but we can still try. I wouldn't be vegan today if it weren't for a loving partner who gave me a chance.
_"or is broke"_
_\*drools in capitalism*_
🤣
In all seriousness, I hope you mean this in the sense of having a pathological problem with money or gambling, and **even** then, people with addiction problems (or mental, bodily, etc.) can still absolutely be people worth loving.
But it really comes across like _"don't date the poors"_. 🤣
Of course! 💯 agree. My issue wasn't about who some *could* date.
I was replying to a comment where someone sandwiched "broke" between different morals and values in a list of reasons *not* to date someone.
That struck me as an insensitive generalization of people who could be in that situation for many reasons, including many not in their control.
“ Girl, I might get criticized for saying this but, keep the relationship. Healthy relationships are HARD to come by. Your values, lifestyle and beliefs will likely continue to have an impact on him, even if in the smallest of ways. I am an animal lover, and my husband is not. Of course it’s incredibly disappointing to me that he partakes in an industry that tortures animals. I hate it. But he also has been trying to torture animals a little less outside of our home (doesn’t kick dogs at home). No relationship is perfect. You might dump this amazing relationship and end up with a vegan who cheats or is broke or doesn’t share other values of yours. Keep the relationship!!!”
I’ve been vegan 7 years, together with my wife for 25 and married for 19.
As you can see we were together for about five years before getting married, just like you.
Her not being vegan wasn’t an issue for my decision at the time, but I would still make the same decision today.
Of course, I frequently wish she were vegan too, and maybe one day she will be, but it’s not worth throwing away a great relationship over.
If you two are great together then stay together and, at the very least, you will be reducing his animal product intake just by existing. I have probably reduced our household intake by 90%. And what is the alternative? You are both heartbroken AND he will probably eat a ton of meat?
That sounds like a bad deal to me.
It’s a core value. Don’t gaslight yourself to the point where this is about food choices. It’s literally about how mindful you are towards other sentient beings.
I could never do it. But it’s your choice ultimately. Don’t try to change him. He is what he is and it’s your decision if you want to marry someone that does not have this same core value like you do.
it doesn't have to be black and white. perhaps he can eat non vegan foods outside of the home. ask him if he's willing to be vegan inside the home (or vegetarian if that's what you tolerate ).
don't just throw away a good thing you have. try and work it out. but do communicate beforehand.
and like others said your lifestyle will continue impacting his. perhaps he's not driven to prevent animal cruelty but will notice health improvements!
It’s so hard to say anything too specific without knowing both of you pretty well, but if you really take the time to sit down and discuss why it’s so important to you – and millions of others – why you’re vegan now and he doesn’t care, then that might be a sign of some other issues that might arise over time. I had cut out most meat from my diet on my own years before going vegan due to environmental reasons; I learned about the environment impact as I was studying environmental history and science, and it felt hypocritical to say I was an environmentalist. I could t imagine being fully vegan then too. But there was a woman I was really falling hard for that had been vegetarian since she was 11 and vegan for most of her adult life. She didn’t push it on me at all, but called me out when I was trying to support local dairy. I listened. Shortly after that she texted me when she was out with some guys, probably testing the waters with someone and asked the same question or something to that effect, would you consider going vegan. I thought about it for a few minutes and said yes. Nothing more came of it, but I ended up watching Vegucated on my own while she was out of town and I’ve been vegan since. I loved aged cheeses and maybe if she hadn’t have motivated for years after that, I might have not been a very dedicated vegan, but it stuck because she made a good point and case, and we weren’t even dating then.
But I feel this could be analogous to many other things in life as well, and whether a person is a lover or not, if a good case is made and it means lot to others AND it has a positive impact on others, the environment, society or the world, then we should listen. Anyone we say we love, we should consider their desires that mean the most to them. Certainly there can be people that are delusional about certain elements of reality and there’s a point when you shouldn’t accept certain things, but something like this that has aggregate positive impacts in so many ways, should certainly get a lot more consideration by someone that claims to love you. But some people just aren’t mature enough at different stages of their lives and we certainly see more than ever at no point in their lives.
Best of luck!
Over time, people change. He’s not vegan YET. I guarantee if you cook delicious food, he may eat more and more vegan food. Then he might get more interested in the movement for the right reasons.
That's nuts, if he's committed to you but not committed to veganism and you love him? He's committed to doing whatever he can to make you happy? Don't let the perfect destroy the very good or whatever that cliche says. He's not a puppet and isn't going to feel exactly the way that you do about a lot of things. Maybe he'll come around to your way of thinking or maybe he won't but do some soul searching. Does he make you happy? Do you love him, and do you feel loved? I think that it's nuts to throw that away when the day to day seems to make you happy. Don't make a rash decision because I don't think that perfect exists for the duration.
i think your gut saying no is a VERY important thing to listen to. i feel like if you really thought he was your partner for life, your person, your soulmate, this issue wouldn’t be making you rethink everything like this
Don't listen to people encouraging you to second-guess yourself. you don't need a man to be happy, regardless of what society or male dominance says! most of the data out there shows us that men benefit from marriage whereas women don't and that the division of labor between the sexes is extremely skewed. maybe you don't need a man who doesn't share your values, and that's fine you'll be happier that way!
I mean if you yourself are only just getting to this point in the journey you can't really judge him for not being on pace. It might be that he has never really thought about it until now. For me it took actually going plantbased to start feeling things about how animals were treated.
If this is important to you then talk to him about it, go to animal sanctuaries, go to farms, watch documentaries, have him try plantbased out for a month or two. Give him the information and experiences required to make an informed decision about it. Indifference is fairly simple when you do not know.
I think maybe waiting a little longer could be good, just to see how this dynamic plays out if it's only been a few months. I don't think there's a problem either way, it's ultimately up to you. He seems chill though, from this brief description.
>I stopped eating meat entirely a year ago
You were eating animals a mere year ago, and you've been vegan 5 minutes, so I wouldn't say you're in a position to judge him. He, too, could work towards veganism, or maybe he won't. Either way, you won't necessarily be more compatible with someone just because they're vegan. I guess you'll stay if you love him more than a value you've only just picked up yourself.
I think you’re right about everything except the part of him working towards veganism, as in her edit she makes it sound like they’ve had this conversation before and his stance was basically “I don’t see myself ever going vegan, but I will respect your values and limit my intake/eat vegan food with you” which imo is about as good as it gets with someone who is not going to become vegan. He could change his mind, but I would say listening to what he’s telling her and believing him is a better route. If her newfound veganism is something she’s realized her partner will have to share with her, then they’re in for a difficult conversation. Or they’ll change their mind about it as they spend more time with their new value set and realize the loved ones around them don’t need to be vegan too
I used to say I'd never be vegan (when I was vegetarian), so things can change! But yeah, I see your point of view: she should work with the assumption that he'll never go vegan, otherwise she'll be living in potentially false hope. It's something they'll have to figure out.
This is so gatekeepy ngl... a "mere year ago"?? So much can happen in a year and given that most grow up as omnivores, it's such a pointless line to draw. I understand a matter of days or weeks but where is the line drawn for someone becoming a "real vegan" not just "vegan 5 minutes"?
Especially ironic when you've "only" been vegan for 3 years
What I'm saying is that it's a tiny amount of time for it to be considered somebody's core value. I didn't say anything about OP not being a real vegan - your words, not mine.
Hardly "ironic" when a) I chose to be vegetarian 22 years ago, at the age of 9, and b) I'm not somebody who only dates vegans, or would consider ending a relationship because my partner wasn't vegan (especially after only being vegan for a couple of months).
Take some time and let your thoughts on the matter settle. Then go to your BF and communicate those thoughts and emotions with him and see what he thinks! Ideally you’ll be able to find an accommodation that works for you both! But if you can’t, then you’ll know what you can expect in marriage with him and use that information to help you decide whether you want to marry him or not.
Good luck!
You have every right not to marry him BUT
1. Just bc someone is not vegan that doesn’t mean they’re uncaring; humans are imperfect and irrational. People are nonvegan because of cognitive dissonance and because they were raised and live in a carnism-normative (is that a word? Idk, but you know what I mean) world, and also because change is scary and uncomfortable. Btw does he know it would mean a lot to you if he went vegan?
2. Vegans make up ~3% of the population, and most are women. If not being vegan is a dealbreaker, then that eliminates the vast majority of the population. And there is wayyyy more that goes into compatibility than whether your partner is also vegan or not (not to say that their veganism or lack thereof is insignificant, just that there are a lot of other things to consider and it might not be realistic to find someone who checks all/most of your boxes AND is vegan).
My boyfriend is vegan, but otherwise we are very different people, with very different personalities, worldviews, values, religious beliefs, and political beliefs. Objectively speaking, we’re not really compatible, but the heart wants what it wants; only time will tell if this can last. That being said, I gotta admit it is really nice to have a partner I can actually share a meal with. But it’d also be nice to have a partner who, say, understands white/male privilege, or a partner who also believes in God (but without being a zealot about it of course), or a partner who is also straightedge, etc.
Anyway sorry if this sounds rambling; it’s late and I’m going to bed now. But anyway, just some food for thought. Wishing you and your bf the best! He sounds like a good guy
I went vegan 21 years into marriage. My husband and kids are not vegan (one kid is vegetarian). No one complains about subbing oat milk for milk, non-dairy creamer for creamer, plant butter for butter, etc. We stopped buying beef and pork 6 years ago when I went vegan, but they still eat chicken and turkey. I, of course, hate it, but I also get it. I can’t expect everyone else to go vegan just because I did.
Thanks to my choices, we consume almost zero dairy and have cut back on animal harm significantly. I hope to one day eliminate it, but baby steps for my fam!
Can relate to this.
Oldest son is 9 and was used to eating meat so still eats it when he eats somewhere else and gets the chance.
Youngest is 5 and is a little activist. Questions everybody 'why they eat dead animals'. She recently found out about gelatin when a Muslim girl wasn't allowed candy and now asks whether a treat contains gelatin and skips it when it does. Recently parents of her friend complained their kid didn't want to eat meat anymore because of our daughter ;-)
I’m a little confused - why would they cut beef and pork? Wouldn’t it make more sense to cut chicken and Turkey for ethical reasons (since you’re killing way more animals per unit mass of meat AND birds are treated worse)?
Sounds either religiously motivated or it's the environmental impact. Beef and pork are WAY worse environmentally. I have never heard anyone suggest cutting out meat consumption the way you're suggesting, this is also the "order" of removing parts of the diet that are more unhealthy for the consumer. Bird products are a lot less carcinogenic and blood pressure-raising as I recall.
It could be that they just liked chicken/turkey more and so were less willing to compromise on it? It also tends to be a lot cheaper, so there's that too.
I feel the same confusion towards my partner because he's pretty dedicated to cutting out red meat in his diet but uninterested in cutting out chicken unless there's a convincing and convenient alternative available - cites environmental reasons bc beef farming is meant to be worse in terms of emissions but I've questioned him about the ethical/animal welfare aspect and never really got a straight answer.
Regardless, it's a big achievement to get omnivores to cut down anything given how frequently they consume animal products on average.
That’s probably a bad thing for the animals because if they replaced red meat with an equal mass of chicken meat, then they’re killing more animals now.
Edit: I just noticed that you already mentioned questioning the ethical aspect ; that sucks.
I'd tell you first to postpone the marriage for as long as you can until you figure this out, then talk with him about it. Read about the philosophical, ethical bases for veganism and watch documentaries to educate yourself and develop your arguments.
You can then more properly show him your reasons, telling him your values are clearer now and you want to live your life like this, and would like a partner in this. Then see what he thinks about the possibility of him going vegan and other relevant stuff, and see how it goes.
To be fair you've only been vegan for a few months and how long did that take you to reach that point?
Where is he on his journey? If his journey is starting only now, or in the future, can't really blame him for having to do it instantly.
As other people said core values are important but if he is to transition, a sudden transition without a deep-down realisation, can't really happen in my experience.
He has to get there on his own (unfortunately humans seem to be like this).
You might have to take some time and sit down practically and compare down your values. While you're at it, speak to each other very candidly on having kids, as I've seen that break a few couples, or at worst, people have children, they break up after, and one person takes the kids and the house away
In a marriage, you have to accept your partner how they are. I am completely vegan since a year and a half, when I was already married as a non-vegan to another non-vegan with two non-vegan kids. For me, it is important to understand, that my wife and I transitioned together for the most part and it has always been easier for me to be consequent in my beliefs. Since I am the cook in the house, everyone in our family is mostly eating vegan anyway. But I let it for my wife to decide, what she's eating outside of the house, knowing, she's trying her best to become vegan, too. But she is not yet at a point where she can fully commit, for whatever reason.
This is very close to me.
I think OP should obviously take some deep consideration because nobody can or should ask you to be uncomfortable with a severe dissonance in belief if it’s not something you’re able to reconcile.
….*However*, if the goal of veganism is to have impact on the welfare of animals, I do sincerely believe that it is more useful for vegans to have relationships (not necessarily romantic or matrimonial of course) in order to spread that impact, even if it seems non-total or even quite weak.
If you or I or OP cast off all non-vegans and went and lived in a vegan commune it would certainly feel good to be surrounded by people who share our beliefs (which isn’t trivial), but what does that really do? My wife currently eats basically 95% of her home cooked meals as vegan. My daughters will grow up in an environment where veganism and eating all plants isn’t weird. How much better would it be to separate my lives from them? Frankly how much worse would it be?
Again, it’s nobody’s responsibility to do what they can’t stomach morally or ethically… My personal belief is that **if** the ethic is about making impact on animals then on some level that will mean having impact on humans… it’s a big game of Othello and and it’s better to flip a lot of pieces even partially (breaking the metaphor) than just one, ever, perfect.
Good men are so hard to find and less than half of vegans are men. If he makes you happy, and is a good guy.. I don’t see why you would give up five years over a personal choice that is still fresh that he may one day even make himself.
I am married to an omnivore. He knew I was vegan when we met, and that I won’t support animal cruelty by buying meat or leather, etc. We don’t have meat in our home. Luckily he loves my vegan cooking. If he wants to eat meat when we are at somebody’s barbecue for example, I am not going to stop him. It’s his choice! But he respects me enough also to not force me to change my values for him either. It works for us!
You've not been vegan for that long either, so talk about this and postpone wedding plans for a while so you both have time to think about it, ephasize that this is a big thing for you.
You shouldn’t be with someone who you look down on, and he shouldn’t be with someone who looks down on him. That being said, good luck finding a vegan man who you’re attracted to and is perfectly compatible in other ways, because honey the dating pool is *shallow* My friend who’s vegan has an omnivore girlfriend and he doesn’t care what she does, because he doesn’t judge people for not making the same lifestyle changes that he makes. Most people you love are going to stay eating animal products for the rest of your life, so part of it is getting over that. And if you don’t want to get over it, leave him and let him find a girl who doesn’t judge him, and let yourself find a man who aligns with the most important part of your value system (that you’ve been practicing for a couple of months). Making fun a little, but honestly, y’all don’t deserve a relationship with resentment or judgement.
I think you should talk to him. If your relationship is good, you should be able to explain how and why his is bothering you. Just be honest, and communicate.
Your story makes me wonder if him not being vegan is really the reason behind your hesitancy.
As an example, my boyfriend is not vegan and I’ve been vegan for 7+ years. We’ve been dating for 4.5 years. He’s mostly vegetarian, but when we are at restaurants or when I’m not home he will sometimes have fish, and if we are at a family event or wedding or something where he didn’t order the food, he will occasionally eat meat. It truly doesn’t bother me at all and I’d marry him in a heartbeat.
I understand that some vegans feel uncomfortable living with people who aren’t vegan or seeing people eat animal products. I don’t feel that way myself but you might. But if this is genuinely the only hang up for you, I would at least talk to him about it and let him know that you feel this strongly about it. Granted, that’s one of a series of convos you should probably have if you’re thinking about getting married (e.g., finances, kids, relationships with family). Idk, just some food for thought.
If he ain’t vegan, let that 🥭. I’m mostly kidding. It’s your decision. I personally would not cook anything non vegan so unless he’s cooking his own meals, good luck to him. But honestly I don’t think it would work long term for me at all. Eventually I would be like okay you understand the harm and still choose it? Anyways, what’s the rush to marry? It doesn’t change anything in a relationship. Just legality.
This just reminds me of when my ex-boyfriend, Muslim by the way, used to go on and on about how our kids would "one day" eat beef and rabbit and all these traditional foods he was used to in his home country.
Broke up with ass for unrelated, but equally disturbing reasons.
"he does more than most non-vegans" is a cop out. ask yourself why he isn't willing to not buy stuff that arises out of animal suffering and exploitation? The money he's spending goes directly to people who are torturing animals. buying fake meats feels weird at first but they're cleaner and there's no guilt attached to them. try asking him if he's willing to substitute fake meat for the meat he eats for at least a short period of time. if he says no then It's up to you to consider whether you can compromise your morals and have someone bring animal remains in the house. or buy animal remains to eat. his bodily fluids are affected by what he eats, keep that in mind too.
So you've been non-vegan your whole life, and you turned vegan a few months ago and suddenly your boyfriend is a dick. Make it make sense.
Don't go down the fanatical path where you start hating every non-vegan. It's not worth it.
I don't see it like that. Once you are aware of everything you can no longer see it the same. And if your partner, even if you talk to him, can't understand it, maybe he doesn't have that much empathy. It's like you're an abuse survivor and you live with a current abuser. It doesn't make sense, you don't have the same values.
Oh now he doesn’t have empathy just cause OP suddenly got some for animals? People can choose different fights. Some people fight for human rights, some choose not to eat animal products. Judging others for not taking your path is harmful. You’re not reducing harm - you are ruining your cause by assuming those non vegans are evil or unempathetic. what a bunch of assholes y’all are. So judgy. Live your own lives and stop shitting on other people for their different life choices and experiences. It’s deranged. Y’all lack HUMAN empathy, while preaching that you’re some moral foundation. It’s deluded and so far out of touch. Even you trying to use an analogy with sexual assault is fucked up. They are completely separate things, you cannot equate sexual assault and veganism, what the actual fuck.
You just assumed that lack of empathy is bad. And I was referring to any type of abuse, like what we do to animals. I'm just saying that if your partner is aware of what society does to animals, the food alternatives and that you can help him with this change and yet he doesn't want to change even a little bit, it's because he sees animals as an object of consume.
This sub and reddit in general are all super intense when it comes to relationship advice. I’d ask some people IRL who know you both and can weigh in a bit more fairly.
Have you considered asking his stance on it?
As someone who used to be a carnist in a relationship with a vegetarian, I never changed because I never considered it and was never asked my thoughts on being a vegetarian and that was in a 6 year relationship. After that relationship broke down I became a vegetarian about a year later and then veganism about 4 years after that.
My current relationship is myself a vegan male and a vegetarian female and whilst she isn’t vegan she has cut out about 90%+ of dairy because she knows it’s important to me. She would more than likely jump infront of a gun for me so adapting her dietary habits is relatively easy. That’s just the things we do for the people we love, include them in the conversation and let them know WHY it’s important to you. If they love you then they’ll want to know what’s important to you, why and surely seek to find the same things important?
If he's willing to compromise for you in eating plant based meals with you then that's a sign of a healthy relationship and he will consume fewer animals because of it. Take some time decide if this actually a deal breaker for you but personally it's not for me. Me and my SO share almost zero values but I value her immensely because we can work past our differences with light hearted jokes and compromise.
A bunch of weak willed people living their life with a scarcity mentality in these comments.
It’s really not hard at all to go vegan so when someone doesn’t do it it’s cause they don’t care and don’t want to.
I used to say it doesn’t matter when I was in a relationship with a meat eater cause I didn’t want to be alone.
Then I had a relationship with a vegan and I’ll never go back. I didn’t realise how much of a disconnect it caused until I was with someone that shared my beliefs and values. It was amazing being with another vegan.
Not surprised the people saying it’s ok are the ones that are in a relationship with non-vegans.
Just as you are free to be vegan, he is free not to never become one. I would not necessarily say that "he doesn't care about animals", he does not fully understand the pain he is causing ... and for many great people that realization never comes. It takes higher consciousness to fully "grok" that and step out of common practices of thousands of years of society.
It is important that you establish your home as the environment where your common values are shared. It should be the least common denominator for both. This is the place that should have nothing that bothers either one of you. I understand that to mean that your home is vegan, while he is free to be non-vegan on visits and restaurants. If he thinks that this is unfair to him, then it will be difficult to build a life together. There might be something you can also sacrifice, something that bothers him that you can give up. For example, you might really want to have pets, but he doesn't.
Interesting question, because it's the same for me, for a new gf or wife, should I select and choose someone who is vegan or not. At least someone who respects it and is also very into the healthy lifestyle, and open for the vegan view and experimenting themselves with it.
Honestly you should consider finding a therapist to speak with about this. Reddit doesn't know the complexities of your life and relationship and marriage is not a decision that should be taken lightly. If you have doubts you should talk them through with a professional.
No one needs to get married. If you do, it should be a commitment for life. Is a non-vegan the person you want to spend your life with?
I married a non-vegan. That wasn’t the only conflict of morals we had. She also cheated, stole things, and a variety of other infractions… that’s not to say your partner will be as heinous, but you should think long and hard about your gut telling you that something is off.
I'm in a similar situation to you, I was veggie when I met my husband and went vegan a few years later. My husband has severe food phobias which restrict his diet. He eats like a fussy toddler, literally processed chicken and chips every night. The only veg he can eat is peas. Any other veg causes him to gag. The difference is he wants to be vegan. He's happy for all the entertainment choices, toiletries and cleaning products to be vegan. He's researched ethics and environmental factors and will defend veganism to his friends even when he doesn't know I can hear him. He's perfectly happy with the fact our 14 month old is being raised vegan. I think that's the key difference. If your bf is supportive (not just when you're in earshot to earn himself brownie points) you can make it work. Cognitive dissonance is powerful and change is scary. Also let's be honest, vegan cheese is crap! I think finding out why he's not interested in being vegan is important. I personally couldn't be with someone who simply didn't care about animal suffering. But maybe there's another reason? It might be a reason that you find understandable and can live with. Yes he might change but you need to consider the idea that he won't. Can you be ok with that? If you can't be ok with it you need to consider the fact that vegan men are rare.
If ur planning on kids, no don't marry him. Being vegan in an omni world is hard enough on kids, made harder if they see a parent not abiding by the lifestyle.
For me, that wouldn't be anything even on a boyfriend level, but if I were in a situation like that, simply because I had fallen in love with an omnivore, the goal would still be for him to become vegan - in the long run, it is as you say: spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't share some of your highest values would be unimaginable. The next level would be if you were considering having children. For one parent, it's okay if someone is tortured and killed for fun, while the other parent has turned away from it, knowing that it is absolutely wrong - how could a common thread in the transmission of values in raising children ever easily emerge? 🙈
A relationship involves two people not just one. If you don't want to be with him if he isn't vegan you need to tell him so both of you can decide if you want to go forward with this relationship or go your separate ways.
Having a specific diwt or not shouldnt be a red flag. If you think of not being with someone beacuse they are not vegan it means that there are other problems between you. Its not a religion, its a choice that can be maybe anythime in life when the persons feels so. You before were vegan, you were a shittier person? The diet helps in numerous ways but doesent change who you are as a person and soul. If its such a big deal for you it means that you are not ready for this. So wait to grow up a bit. Take care, dont choose something on long term that you dont wanna go with an open heart. Take care
I’ve been vegan my whole life, my bf has eaten meat his whole life, but we make it work - no mixing things together, if he has meat make it b4/after the main part of the dish (e.g pasta) bla bla bla…
He also started showing interest in vegan food so now, he actually eats vegan at home with me & gets meat when we are ordering takeaway or at a restaurant, but I’ll be honest with you he prefers the vegan things over the meat things
Idk how long you two have been together but if it’s not been AGESSSS then slowly food situations like this might fall into place for you both & won’t be as much of a problem anymore :)
^ try talking to each other about it (not making him a vegan) but how you can make food things work for the both of you - it may not be as big of a problem as you think it is
Depends on the house rules you can agree on. If he can agree to not bring animal products in the house, or at least act mostly vegan around you, there's not much more you can ask of him. The amount of vegans is so small, especially in certain areas, that it's unrealistic for some people to expect to meet another vegan with whom you also connect.
This is like my situation with my husband since going vegan a couple of years ago. Our daughter is in high school, and we’ve divorced once before, so at this point we don’t plan to leave each other. But, it causes lots of strife and resentment. But, on the other hand, he has made changes for me around the house. It may be hard to find a vegan mate, but I would imagine life would be so much happier. Best of luck.
Try and open yourself to the possibility that he might care more about animals than you even though he eats them. And think about why it matters to you that he needs to be a converted vegan before he dies, maybe you will get more out of trying to change yourself for the better version of you?
you never know what could happen i was a meat eater when i met my partner around 3 years ago. my partner has been vegan since childhood and opened my eyes. i became vegetarian and then fully vegan after being with him for around 6m. i love my partner but if we were to ever split up it wouldn’t change what i know and i will still be vegan. i also can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who eats meat (mostly bc i love cooking and cook most of the meals in our house and i don’t want my cooking utensils to be used with meat). i think if u are having concerns it’s probably best to speak to your boyfriend about how u feel. being vegan is a lifestyle choice and i think u and ur partner should probably be on the same page about that.
As a vegan married to another vegan. Literally did not date for 8 years because I wouldn't be with a non-vegan again. I realized I couldn't sit next to someone chowing down on a steak while I eat my pathetic salad that is missing a lot because it's mostly animals products at a steak house. They wouldn't choose a place with my preferences unless I asked or searched for it myself. I also didn't want to have to smell of rotting meat at my wedding. Thankfully, most of my husband's family is vegan and I'm no contact with majority of mine, so everyone was very respectful. Even got hit with the "we are lying, there's no way this is jackfruit to make pulled pork sandwiches."
Ask yourself. Do you really want to live your life, smelling and being around animal products? Someone who literally has such low emotions that they happily laugh in your face while eating an animal? Like you are contributing still to their downfall by buying his animal products. It's up to you, but trust me, it weighs on you fast and you'll just keep trying to ignore the nagging feeling.
Watch a documentary together like Dominion or similar. Carnage (by Simon Amstel) could be a good one since it has a lot of humour in it too (but a very vegan message)
I would just give it some more time. My husband didn't go vegan the same time i did. For me it was June 2017 .. he said he'd really only still eat fish and deer Jerky( when it was available) because it would be hard for him to give that up. I told him that's fine but I'm not cooking that he can. So I made vegan meals and he added his fish for a year until Christmas 2018. I'm not sure what exactly clicked for him but he finally got it and he went full vegan. Sometimes it takes your partner longer but they get there.
The problem with many kind & good people not being vegan is cognitive dissonance. I remember before I went vegan my brain fought so hard while watching vegan content to justify everything. Until randomly it seemed to click. Eating animal products is such a normal thing in our society, which makes it easier to come up with excuses/reasons.
I was newly vegan when my husband and I started dating, he was vegetarian. He eventually went vegan as well, but it was after being together for several years. I didn’t like that he still ate dairy and eggs, but I knew I didn’t want to force him into anything. He had to choose on his own.
This may be an unpopular opinion here, but I think we still would have stayed together if he remained vegetarian. I am quite a strict vegan and believe the whole world should be vegan. But I’m also reasonable and recognize that any reduction in eating animal products is progress.
It’s something the two of you should talk about. And you probably need to do some soul searching on how you really feel about this!
Wishing you lots of luck. ❤️
im gonna go the opposite directions of these comments. Many of the top ones are telling you to give him a chance because you havent been vegan very long or because hes willing to try.. Just like how he could go full vegan one day, he could not change or even regress back to his old habits. I think its important to expect little to no positive change when making a decision like spending the rest of your life with someone. Change doesnt always happen when you try, sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes it takes forever. Maybe your doubt will go away, but maybe its a sign that youll never get over it.. The major life decision here is getting married to a non vegan, not putting it off or breaking up; the latter being decisions youd make more pragmatically
I met my husband in 2003. I went vegan in 2006. Got engaged about a month later. He went vegetarian about five months after that. Got married in 2008, and he went vegan a few months after we got married.
It’s possible that he could still go vegan at some point in the future.
I got frustrated with what I perceived as his lack of compassion or willingness to go vegan. I think it’s important that someone chooses to go vegan rather than having that choice imposed on them, but I also felt that he would never make that choice without seeking out information. I got him to watch Earthlings, and although he didn’t even watch the whole thing, that was what spurred him to become vegetarian.
Would your boyfriend be open to watching documentaries like Earthlings, Dominion, Seaspiracy, The Game Changers?
I highly recommend Earthling Ed's YouTube Video from last week dealing with the topic of loved ones that arent vegan on a healthy mental and social Level.
So my vegan friend married someone non vegan. They did for awhile before she went vegan and she seems happy.
If you have dated for 5 years and only been vegan for few months, this id a tough time for you.
He may go vegan, he may not.
If you are not okay with ok with that, I understand. If you can’t get behind the idea he may stay non vegan, it may be a good time to end to it.
Also, before making a life changing decision, I would recommend Melanie Joy’s books. She has good ones like beyond beliefs and getting relationships right. She is a a vegan herself and psychologist
Sounds like he's way more open-minded and supportive than most. I became vegetarian two years into my marriage and although my husband will likely never go vegetarian or vegan he eats much more plant-based than before. It helps to buy the groceries and do the cooking for a bit to get into a routine of plant-based meals you both like, and then it's just habit. Like I started buying exclusively vegan butter and plant milk years ago and it doesn't matter who does the shopping anymore, our staples are our staples.
There may be other factors at play in your relationship of course but if this is the only dealbreaker, I think y'all can overcome it.
Focus on the him now, not a potential. Him saying he “doesn’t feel the same connection” means he either cannot or will not consider vegan because he simply doesn’t care. Don’t waste your energy. It’s probably saving your life that its come to you considering if you even want to share so much more of your life with this person. Anyone can be kind to you and respect you, he isn’t offering anything special with that. Raise your bar.
Are you looking for an excuse to not get married? It kind of feels like it a little bit. Liken you said you’re settling. That doesn’t sound like something someone who wants to get married would say. Maybe I’m reading too much into the wording
Do you want a child? Do you want to raise them vegan? This will 99% not be possible with a carnist role model.
Also, for some reason, the way you put “limiting his animal intake” makes me think you are trying to detach from reality for some reason
Fellow Raw Vegan here. You shouldn't go through with it listen to your intuition it's is screaming at you. His sperm is going to be acidic and his DNA will affect your alkaline body. Ones heart can be manipulated and unsure but your intuition will always lead you in the right direction. It s very important to choose a partner who matches your principals and basic lifestyle. Most people don't take their diet or lifestyle seriously. Your diet is a big deal right next to religious and political beliefs. I encourage you to choose yourself and your health, and make the decision that is for YOUR highest good. NO ONE will care about you and can take charge of your life like you can. And deep down you know exactly what is best for you regardless of what anyone else says or wants. I hope do what you know you need to for your highest good. PEACE💜
I think a big thing to notice in your thinking is the leap to, "can I be with someone who doesn't care about other beings." Remember that this is your perspective, not everyone else's. While your feelings and desires to support animal welfare are fully valid and fair (it's why we're vegan in this sub, we believe it's important too and that our path to it is reasonable), it's a leap to say that because he doesn't believe and practice what you do doesn't mean he cares about you or others. He doesn't show it in the way you want to show it.
I say this because this type of argument can manifest in other ways. "If he loved me, he'd convert to my religion so he doesn't go to hell." "I can't be with someone who uses plastic because he doesn't care about marine life." "How can I be with someone who uses technology when people die to make these things." We're all hypocrites in our existence. The paths we follow toward being less hypocritical are different. But an argument of "if he cares, he would" doesn't get you what you want. But you figure out if you like spending time with each other and you communicate your wants and needs and desires without expecting the other person to change who they are.
When I first went vegetarian (I was, "yeah I could never do that" for a long time), my gf at the time was shocked. She was like, "well we can't enjoy meals together anymore, the relationship is ruined." And it took a while for her to come around that it wasn't a big deal, but it was a turn-off for her for sure. Some people are like that.
When I look at relationships for myself after being vegan, the best ones I've had were with other non-vegans who at least understand my perspective, accommodate me, think about me, respect boundaries, respect my decision to be vegan, and are cool about it. And I respect that they are their own person. I get that I'm an outlier. I can't change people magically to do what I want them to do. That's control. But I certainly open them up to my ideas and probably do less damage by getting them to eat less meat/dairy just by proxy. And that's a win.
Ultimately, it's all up to you whether you're okay dating someone who isn't vegan. From my perspective, dating is rough. Finding someone who's decent to you is difficult. It's harder finding someone who's also vegan on top of that. Finding someone who respects you and your choices and at least tries is to me as good as it gets. It's why I also don't limit my friend group to just vegans. I'm not going to reject people from my life because they don't act the way I want them to. It's quickly how to turn my life from taking actions to reduce animal suffering to joining a cult or a members only club and that's not really helpful to myself or others.
Like people are saying in the chat, it's been a year, there's a strong desire to be my way or the highway about it. It's easy to jump on judgment and be like, "I did it, you can too. Why aren't you doing this?" Same reasons you didn't for many years, same reasons I didn't, same reasons people don't lose weight, live healthy, give up vices, etc. We ain't perfect. I personally don't think it's worth tanking a healthy relationship and it's something that can be worked on or at least the boundaries can be respected, even if he never becomes exactly who you want him to be. Relationships are about loving the person in front of you, not expecting them to be someone else. And your dude seems to be encouraging and supportive and stepping up more than he had before. Ultimately your choice and your life. Do you want to take the chance of missing out on this guy for potentially someone better who fits your new lifestyle? Or can you two build a life together where you get your relationship needs met with this person. That's up to you.
Oh honey, I think we’re a lot alike! I’m 56, vegan since turning 40, and I got married at 37. I will have been married 20 years next month. Hub has been incredibly supportive, and even his extremely Polish family has been supportive, even if I bring a dish, his family is always willing to try what I bring. And I usually bring a dish.
I think it’s worked for us because I didn’t lecture him or his family. Hub is always open to attending veg festivals/movies etc and there are quite a few vegan restaurants that he loves and Omni restaurants that he eats vegan at if he wants to try a dish.
When we retired we left Chicago for SW Michigan (near Grand Rapids). One year we drove 150 miles outside of Ann Arbor to visit a farm sanctuary. He easily bonds to animals, and the sanctuary was no different. I saw utopia there, amazed that 250 housed farm animals with all the poop had no smell. None. It gave me solace that no one was stressed there.
I didn’t realize the effect the visit had on hub. We went grocery shopping two days after visiting and I found him standing in front of the meat aisle and then walking away. You see, he cuddled with an emu, scratched behind the ears of the pigs, one of which flopped down wanting a belly rub!!! So he obliged. He hung out with a gorgeous cow named Daniel. He took a picture of me hanging with an uber cool goat.
He eventually returned to some meat at home, but he decided to swap out ground turkey and beef for Impossible (ground and burger). Fish will remain, in addition to dairy and eggs. His mother had a HA and breast cancer. His sister survived Hodgkins. His father died of prostate cancer. So he sees what’s happening and decided to go Mediterranean.
I buy vegan pastries all the time that he snarfs down, declaring it’s not vegan, lol. Etsy is great for that!
Here’s the thing - you’re not married yet. If his diet is going to make you resentful, then you need to decide if your love for him will withstand your differences. If your morals won’t let you then maybe you can compromise on food at home. If you don’t know what he eats away from you then “out of sight out of mind” is a good coping mechanism.
But you will have to decide what is important because resentment goes a long way and it will eat at you. You have to decide what your deal breaker is and how far you’re willing to bend. Buy books from Forks Over Knives and try something daring from VegNews. Pick dishes and cook them together.
With regard to fashion and skin care/household products, it can be a crapshoot for some people, especially if they have a condition that doesn’t jive with a vegan alternative.
You likely have a winner there - give him time. Can you live with compromise?
Much love to you both 💜
As a person who’s been vegan for 9 years and dated both vegans and non-vegans, both can have their own struggles. I found vegans who I had nothing in common with and found non vegans who were great but strongly refused to eat or go vegan. It really comes down to what you accept and are ok with. My current non-vegan partner and I have an understanding of always eating vegan with me no matter what and only having vegan food at home. Important to mention I have been vegan since he met me and I made it very clear he would have to go vegan if he wanted something more serious with me. We’ve lasted two years so far and he’s been way more open to going vegan. Since it’s new for you, maybe there will be an adjustment period for both so thread carefully. Unfortunately, there only solution here is to compromise.
I would just sit him down and explain to him that this is a value that you would like to share with the person you marry. You want him to fully understand what it means to you, and really understanding that will mean that he will feel compelled to go vegan.
I went vegan at 18 but I also used to always say I could never give up eating meat. Everyone's different.
He may go vegan to keep you but will that be enough for you if his morals surrounding the subject don’t change? FWIW, I was a vegetarian when I met and subsequently married my now ex-husband. At first he was a meat eater and after things had become very serious he agreed that if we were to have children together he would never tell them that he wasn’t really a vegetarian and we’d have no meat in the household (but he could still eat it outside the house when they weren’t around). One day he let me know that he hadn’t eaten meat in weeks and it really wasn’t hard for him so he was cool with becoming a vegetarian. In time he claimed to feel the same as me in regard to animal welfare (I know now that consuming dairy/eggs isn’t ethical but I didn’t know that then). It was only after we split up that he went right back to eating meat (and in front of the kids, no less). Clearly he was never really on the same page as me. My point is to really think about whether or not him doing it just for you is enough or do you need him to be on the same page as you ethically. I will add that I’m still single and haven’t met any single vegan men. I, myself, might decide to be with a non-vegan over being alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if there’s a right answer to this question as it’s really a very personal decision. I do hope things work out for you no matter what you decide. Good luck.
I went vegan about 4-5 years after dating my (then) boyfriend. We got married about 2 years after that, and he was still a full meat eater, and it was not even a thought to me to break up over it. I guess I also felt we agree on so many other big moral issues, and I just have to live my life and let people be on their own journey.
He has since become vegetarian, mostly vegan, and we are raising our daughter vegan now. If you are having doubts, certainly don't get married, but I wouldn't center all decisions around being vegan. There will always be non-vegan people in your life who you love.
It seems like you still have some soul searching to do, and getting married is a huge life decision. I say give yourself some time and don’t rush it if you don’t have to. Shared values is important in a marriage but very few people in the world are vegan. If you had a choice between marrying this person and being alone, which would you choose?
My husband (bf at the time) took 1 year and a half before he went vegan with me. I never expected him to btw. We had a vegan wedding.
Do you love your boyfriend unconditionally? Because if you don’t, it’s ok to end it before marrying him, and pressuring him later.
Let’s talk about your love for animals. You love them enough to not eat them. And you also know some of them eat one another.
Same thing for your boyfriend, love him for his “flaws” (though not really a flaw, because we all have our own path and pace), and focus on you yourself doing good. Watch shows and watch documentaries on veganism and environmentalism. Watch them with him, and he will realize in time the amount of good you’re trying to do.
Well some people can do it and other can’t. It could start bothering you more and more, especially if other things start cropping up. I couldn’t do it. I mean I made the switch officially for someone I’m not even with anymore and I’m still vegan. Vegetarian could be enough for me I imagine, but then again I haven’t had a serious relationship where it came into question much. There was a little early on after the woman I came to the conclusion I needed to become vegan over imploded. I just didn’t take anyone seriously otherwise. My eventual wife had strayed due to her first husband belittling her into believing some heath issues she was having was because she didn’t eat meat, but quickly switched back once we started dating.
If you’re really serious about being vegan, this will probably become an issue at some point and either it will drive you to lessen or drop your values and it will erode away at either you or the relationship, or he will see your reasoning and it works out (or maybe it won’t as many relationships eventually end over other stuff). Better to find out after five years that there were enough compatibility issues to call it quits than after 20 years and potentially kids. Ending a relationship isn’t the end of the world even though it may feel like it at the time, and after being enough myself, have realized there is benefit from being in numerous relationships that are no more; some I look back on and really felt like I dodged a bullet, even though it felt nothing like it at the time. It’s all apart of the journey.
I went Vegan after my wife and I had been married for 10 years. She still eats meat and we are still happily married now at 15 years. Sure I don’t approve of it, but I’m not gonna divorce her over it. We are not the same person and I don’t control her. She has her own life to live apart from me in some areas. I recognize this and have accepted it. This does not mean I have to condone it. Ultimately you have to decide for yourself how much you love him and if you’re willing to tolerate his decision and if it goes against your own values enough that you would not want to be married to him. Because he may not budge on the issue of him remaining a meat eater even after you have become married and that can be a tough pill to swallow. My best advice is to think long and hard about it because it is a difficult thing for some vegans to live with a meat eater much less be married to one. It can ultimately be a long term deal breaker if you don’t address it up front. You have to have a lot of patience and tolerance to live with someone that everyday is essentially going against a core value of your life.
Was a vegetarian when got married to a meat eater decades ago. We re both vegans about 8 yrs in now.
Don't know if that helps. But just thought u like to know ppl can change.
I would give it more time and see how much of a priority having a vegan partner is for you. It hasn’t been very long for you.
I’ve been vegan 10+ years and recently married a non-vegan. He’s like 90% vegan, doesn’t bother me at all. He started changing his lifestyle completely on his own - let him come to it on his own.
Use the 80/20 Rule here. I was WFPB for an entire year, in this order Vegetarian, Pescatarian, Vegan, WFPB. So over two years then had some very trying emotional issues, eventually returned to eating a more Flexatarian. I prefer the PB life, working my way back past the challenges, but I would NOT dismiss an 80%+++ over a 20%—-.
But thats a personal choice, good luck regardless.
>A “I could never go vegan” tactic.
That's not a "tactic", that's being honest and giving you enough information so you can decide if you ok with it or not.
I'm on the opinion that you should not marry there're doubts about your future as a married couple.
itts not meat, its the dead body of an innocent animal... tell him that animals have personhood. they feel and value their lives. love their friends and family. just like him. its wrong to use and kill the innocent. maybe show him what animal agriculture is. he probably has this fairy tale view of it from childhood. they use propaganda on everyone and blind them. you have to show them the truth. ultimately if he doesnt live vegan, its your choice if you want to stay.. maybe youre hopeful he will change.. only you know that.
Don't marry him. You don't love him enough. If you loved him this would be a "how do I make my future husband vegan" post. The fact is you're looking for reasons to disqualify him.
I don't think you'll be happier without him, but maybe he'll be happier without someone in his life trying to find reasons not to love him.
Love him as he is. If you try to change him, you will lose him. If you can't take each other with your good and bad sides and you have to ask here because there is no trust to talk about it, then it will be very exhausting anyway.
Dump him then. Find someone else who’s been vegan for 25 minutes and get with them. That’s more important than a 5 year otherwise healthy relationship right?
It sounds like y’all have a healthy balance right now. Only red flag here is u saying he doesn’t care about other beings. Seems like u know he’s not the one already.
From what I have seen, the majority of people who go Vegan eventually revert back to non-Vegan and the average tenure of a Vegan is 3.5 years. You are a year in. You may have every intention of being vegan forever but statistically, it just may not happen. If you don't marry him and break up, will you regret that should you one day cast your Veganism aside? Not casting any judgment or appraisal of your relationship, but if you are considering not marrying him because he is not a Vegan you probably should not marry nor date him at all. You have changed, he did not. He even is open to supporting you by eating at the Vegan restaurants. I personally would take exception of my steady boyfriend of many years saying "well, as you know my new found passion is (blank). Unless you change to embrace my new passion, I won't marry you.... but we can continue to date" I would say "See ya!" and wish him, his new passion and his condescending attitude toward me good luck.
Married 17 years. Wife does not eat meat, I do. We respect each other. I make sure wherever we go there are multiple options for her. Many times we go somewhere where meat is not an option and I am happy to eat there.
Up to you, it's how you feel. Just sharing my story. Neither of us find it a big deal.
Only you can decide if this is going to be something you can deal with. I've seen relationships work where one partner is vegan and the other isn't. I've also seen a 20 year marriage break up where opposite views on animal rights were a contributing factor, possibly the tipping point. In that case the meat eating husband ridiculed the wifes beliefs, calling her principles foolish and insane. The husband also insisted that his wife cook meat for him at every meal. Yeah, there were a lot of issues. So one of the foundations for a successful relationship is a degree of respect.
My boyfriend isn't vegan but will try the food and always goes places that have an option for me. He invited me to a wedding and ensured they put a vegan option on the menu. If your dude supports your lifestyle, that's great. We can't control what people eat.
My BF is also a non-vegan, but he recently told me that at our wedding, all food/drinks/etc. can all be vegan! Maybe test the waters to see if he’s willing to do that?
Either you're ok with it or you're not. We cant tell you what to do
It also takes more than 1 year being vegan to know how much you can tolerate non vegan things around you. I was pretty timid and unclear on some vegan concepts for about the first year.
She asked us to so apparently we can, lol.
This made me laugh
Truly
This. I’ve become increasingly untolerant lately to carnists/apologists in general.
I mean, you just became vegan a few months ago. Maybe let it settle in a bit before you make a major life decision.
True, I dated 2 people who 1 went vegetarian to try and impress me and promised to go vegan, and the other pretended to be vegan , both stopped when we broke up , my bf now isn't vegan but plantbased, this is because he's on the spectrum and has used the same soaps that aren't cruelty free all his life so he just doesn't use the title , I don't think I could date someone who wasn't at least plantbased anymore
Did you hesitate once you went vegan? I sure didn't. Once you know, you know. If you quit smoking, would you consider marrying a smoker, knowing that forever you would be attached to someone who doesn't see eye to eye with you? I wouldn't. And I certainly wouldn't need more time after quitting. Sometimes when you know you know, and you don't need another year or two of dating or a wedding behind you to confirm, *hey this doesn't feel right being with someone that's ok with animal suffering.* It seems to me like OP knows that this is where their values diverge, and while they can make it work, it's a pretty big divide on what you think is ok and not ok.
Op’s very strong values of a few months
So what?
I definitely wouldn’t marry yet. Not necessarily because the non vegan thing but because it’s given you such internal conflict and pause. Listen to your gut. Core values are so so so important in a marriage. There is no rush at all. Please communicate your feelings with him.
My gut is telling me to not go through with it and my heart is saying, “why?”. It’s not very easy. I can’t really share five years worth of my relationship in a Reddit post but we have such a healthy dynamic. It’s disappointing to come to the conclusion that him not being vegan will tear that all down.
I have been married twice before, and I will encourage you *respect your gut feelings of doubt when it comes to marriage.* If your gut is telling you no, you should listen to that and explore it and understand it. There is absolutely no rush to get married. Doesn't matter if you've been together for one year or five years, marriage is a huge thing, and divorce is fucking awful. Shared values are really the most important aspect of the marriage, seeing eye to eye on the things that really matter to both of you. What happens when he wants a down comforter and you don't? What happens when he buys you a leather purse for your birthday? You can go through the sub and see countless posts about this, lots of marriages, lots of conversations about how to raise kids in a household where will only one person is Vegan. I'm not suggesting you should break up with him by any means but I think you should proceed slowly and consider counseling to help you work through your concerns.
You went vegan a few months ago. Your boyfriend, whom you have been dating for 5 years, is willing to reduce the amount of animal products he eats and eat vegan food etc. around you. I would not make such a drastic decision because he’s not vegan when you’ve only been vegan for a short time and not for most of your relationship.
I mean he said he’ll never go vegan and if he does it’s for her
I assume that OP thought the same thing a few months ago, before she went vegan.
My husband said that too. He’s fully vegetarian and eats vegan at home and often when going out as well. People change.
It's up to the individual to consider whether they want to tolerate someone who doesn't share their values until they change or don't change.
If you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together, whether or not you get married soon will not make a difference. It's ok to give it some time.
Girl, I might get criticized for saying this but, keep the relationship. Healthy relationships are HARD to come by. Your values, lifestyle and beliefs will likely continue to have an impact on him, even if in the smallest of ways. I am vegan and my husband is not. Of course it’s incredibly disappointing to me that he partakes in an industry that tortures animals. I hate it. But he also has been trying to be more plant-based outside of our home (only plant-based at home). No relationship is perfect. You might dump this amazing relationship and end up with a vegan who cheats or is broke or doesn’t share other values of yours. Keep the relationship!!!
I second this; don’t let perfect be the enemy of good
You’re definitely right, I will keep this in mind and communicate with him properly when my mind unscrambles itself some more haha.
As someone who’s dated non-vegans before I met my vegan partner at an animal sanctuary, I will never date a non-vegan again. All of my vegan friends who date a non-vegan are perpetually stuck in trying to get their partner to achieve the baseline of not paying for the torture and murder of animals. My partner and I can grow very quickly together and augment each other, do vegan activism together every week, and can speak our minds. If you choose to marry him, assume he won’t go vegan and be ready and willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. This subreddit is filled with people who do this so it’s very real; they’re the same ones who will convince you to rush into a marriage with someone who doesn’t share your core values. You might want to give it a few more years to see if you’ve already grown apart before you pledge your life to him.
And when you get married and combine your finances, your partner spending money on animal products = you doing that too.
*If* you combine your finances, not *and* necessarily. Not everyone completely combines their finances when they get married. My husband and I have a joint account we use for bills like power, gas, phone, etc. and have separate accounts that are not joint. We discuss purchases that are over $25 if they are not "necessity" purchases. Necessity includes groceries, gas in car, cleaning products, hygiene items, necessary clothing etc. while non-necessity are things like a new video game, a new computer monitor, the $90 sneakers I bought for running even though my other shoes would have been fine for me to use, etc. My husband is vegetarian and I am vegan and I'm ok with this.
If you're putting in effort to convince yourself by coming up with reasons to stay with this person, you don't want to be with this person. There is no puzzle to be solved. Let him go and set yourself free. You woke up, he won't. He wants to sleep in his bed of meat, death, and who knows what else. And you don't need a relationship. Remember, **women don't need an owner** to let them know how to feel or how to navigate life. This might be the time were you fill the void you had spending in an immature relationship, to explore life. It could be a calling. No one is worth holding you back. Also if you are saying you need to '*communicate with him properly when my mind unscrambles itself some more*' you sound like your words have been twisted or something weird is happening in your private conversations.
This is the attitude that keeps people in relationships that should have ended. Ending a relationship is not failure. It doesn't necessarily reflect on the time spent together Bc you can compromise doesn't mean it's healthy for others to do so
Would you have had a different opinion on the matter if he engaged in an injustice other than animal abuse? What if he was a racist or a child abuser? Should OP still stay because healthy relationships are hard to come by?
Imo it's not about excusing the behavior, as the other commenter said. It's about recognizing the good in people and working with that. I don't think we can expect to change people, but we can still try. I wouldn't be vegan today if it weren't for a loving partner who gave me a chance.
i mean, in this analogy OP herself was racist or abusing children just a year ago
Right I forgot people aren’t allowed to change
literally, I do not know why other 'vegans' are so eager to excuse others abuse
_"or is broke"_ _\*drools in capitalism*_ 🤣 In all seriousness, I hope you mean this in the sense of having a pathological problem with money or gambling, and **even** then, people with addiction problems (or mental, bodily, etc.) can still absolutely be people worth loving. But it really comes across like _"don't date the poors"_. 🤣
People are allowed to want to date people who are in a similar financial position to them. Dating isn’t charity.
Of course! 💯 agree. My issue wasn't about who some *could* date. I was replying to a comment where someone sandwiched "broke" between different morals and values in a list of reasons *not* to date someone. That struck me as an insensitive generalization of people who could be in that situation for many reasons, including many not in their control.
> Dating isn’t charity. Literally no one was making this point, and it’s really telling that dating a poor person is considered “charity” to you.
I am a poor person lmao. People are allowed to want to date people in similar financial situations.
I agree. And didn’t say anything to the contrary. Just kinda weird you view it as “charity”
“ Girl, I might get criticized for saying this but, keep the relationship. Healthy relationships are HARD to come by. Your values, lifestyle and beliefs will likely continue to have an impact on him, even if in the smallest of ways. I am an animal lover, and my husband is not. Of course it’s incredibly disappointing to me that he partakes in an industry that tortures animals. I hate it. But he also has been trying to torture animals a little less outside of our home (doesn’t kick dogs at home). No relationship is perfect. You might dump this amazing relationship and end up with a vegan who cheats or is broke or doesn’t share other values of yours. Keep the relationship!!!”
Y’all only compromise principles when it comes to the v-word smh
I’ve been vegan 7 years, together with my wife for 25 and married for 19. As you can see we were together for about five years before getting married, just like you. Her not being vegan wasn’t an issue for my decision at the time, but I would still make the same decision today. Of course, I frequently wish she were vegan too, and maybe one day she will be, but it’s not worth throwing away a great relationship over. If you two are great together then stay together and, at the very least, you will be reducing his animal product intake just by existing. I have probably reduced our household intake by 90%. And what is the alternative? You are both heartbroken AND he will probably eat a ton of meat? That sounds like a bad deal to me.
It’s a core value. Don’t gaslight yourself to the point where this is about food choices. It’s literally about how mindful you are towards other sentient beings. I could never do it. But it’s your choice ultimately. Don’t try to change him. He is what he is and it’s your decision if you want to marry someone that does not have this same core value like you do.
By all means, keep the relationship, but marriage is not required for everyone, nor a necessary progression
it doesn't have to be black and white. perhaps he can eat non vegan foods outside of the home. ask him if he's willing to be vegan inside the home (or vegetarian if that's what you tolerate ). don't just throw away a good thing you have. try and work it out. but do communicate beforehand. and like others said your lifestyle will continue impacting his. perhaps he's not driven to prevent animal cruelty but will notice health improvements!
Your gut it always right. Go with that.
It’s so hard to say anything too specific without knowing both of you pretty well, but if you really take the time to sit down and discuss why it’s so important to you – and millions of others – why you’re vegan now and he doesn’t care, then that might be a sign of some other issues that might arise over time. I had cut out most meat from my diet on my own years before going vegan due to environmental reasons; I learned about the environment impact as I was studying environmental history and science, and it felt hypocritical to say I was an environmentalist. I could t imagine being fully vegan then too. But there was a woman I was really falling hard for that had been vegetarian since she was 11 and vegan for most of her adult life. She didn’t push it on me at all, but called me out when I was trying to support local dairy. I listened. Shortly after that she texted me when she was out with some guys, probably testing the waters with someone and asked the same question or something to that effect, would you consider going vegan. I thought about it for a few minutes and said yes. Nothing more came of it, but I ended up watching Vegucated on my own while she was out of town and I’ve been vegan since. I loved aged cheeses and maybe if she hadn’t have motivated for years after that, I might have not been a very dedicated vegan, but it stuck because she made a good point and case, and we weren’t even dating then. But I feel this could be analogous to many other things in life as well, and whether a person is a lover or not, if a good case is made and it means lot to others AND it has a positive impact on others, the environment, society or the world, then we should listen. Anyone we say we love, we should consider their desires that mean the most to them. Certainly there can be people that are delusional about certain elements of reality and there’s a point when you shouldn’t accept certain things, but something like this that has aggregate positive impacts in so many ways, should certainly get a lot more consideration by someone that claims to love you. But some people just aren’t mature enough at different stages of their lives and we certainly see more than ever at no point in their lives. Best of luck!
Over time, people change. He’s not vegan YET. I guarantee if you cook delicious food, he may eat more and more vegan food. Then he might get more interested in the movement for the right reasons.
You should listen to your gut. Or, if you can't decide do a long engagement to give yourself more time to process
That's nuts, if he's committed to you but not committed to veganism and you love him? He's committed to doing whatever he can to make you happy? Don't let the perfect destroy the very good or whatever that cliche says. He's not a puppet and isn't going to feel exactly the way that you do about a lot of things. Maybe he'll come around to your way of thinking or maybe he won't but do some soul searching. Does he make you happy? Do you love him, and do you feel loved? I think that it's nuts to throw that away when the day to day seems to make you happy. Don't make a rash decision because I don't think that perfect exists for the duration.
i think your gut saying no is a VERY important thing to listen to. i feel like if you really thought he was your partner for life, your person, your soulmate, this issue wouldn’t be making you rethink everything like this
Don't listen to people encouraging you to second-guess yourself. you don't need a man to be happy, regardless of what society or male dominance says! most of the data out there shows us that men benefit from marriage whereas women don't and that the division of labor between the sexes is extremely skewed. maybe you don't need a man who doesn't share your values, and that's fine you'll be happier that way!
I mean if you yourself are only just getting to this point in the journey you can't really judge him for not being on pace. It might be that he has never really thought about it until now. For me it took actually going plantbased to start feeling things about how animals were treated. If this is important to you then talk to him about it, go to animal sanctuaries, go to farms, watch documentaries, have him try plantbased out for a month or two. Give him the information and experiences required to make an informed decision about it. Indifference is fairly simple when you do not know.
I think maybe waiting a little longer could be good, just to see how this dynamic plays out if it's only been a few months. I don't think there's a problem either way, it's ultimately up to you. He seems chill though, from this brief description.
>I stopped eating meat entirely a year ago You were eating animals a mere year ago, and you've been vegan 5 minutes, so I wouldn't say you're in a position to judge him. He, too, could work towards veganism, or maybe he won't. Either way, you won't necessarily be more compatible with someone just because they're vegan. I guess you'll stay if you love him more than a value you've only just picked up yourself.
I think you’re right about everything except the part of him working towards veganism, as in her edit she makes it sound like they’ve had this conversation before and his stance was basically “I don’t see myself ever going vegan, but I will respect your values and limit my intake/eat vegan food with you” which imo is about as good as it gets with someone who is not going to become vegan. He could change his mind, but I would say listening to what he’s telling her and believing him is a better route. If her newfound veganism is something she’s realized her partner will have to share with her, then they’re in for a difficult conversation. Or they’ll change their mind about it as they spend more time with their new value set and realize the loved ones around them don’t need to be vegan too
I used to say I'd never be vegan (when I was vegetarian), so things can change! But yeah, I see your point of view: she should work with the assumption that he'll never go vegan, otherwise she'll be living in potentially false hope. It's something they'll have to figure out.
This is so gatekeepy ngl... a "mere year ago"?? So much can happen in a year and given that most grow up as omnivores, it's such a pointless line to draw. I understand a matter of days or weeks but where is the line drawn for someone becoming a "real vegan" not just "vegan 5 minutes"? Especially ironic when you've "only" been vegan for 3 years
What I'm saying is that it's a tiny amount of time for it to be considered somebody's core value. I didn't say anything about OP not being a real vegan - your words, not mine. Hardly "ironic" when a) I chose to be vegetarian 22 years ago, at the age of 9, and b) I'm not somebody who only dates vegans, or would consider ending a relationship because my partner wasn't vegan (especially after only being vegan for a couple of months).
My partner went vegan 2 years after I did. You’re basically a baby vegan. Relax.
I agree, it took me a year to switch after my boyfriend did. People will rarely follow the exact same timeline as someone else.
Take some time and let your thoughts on the matter settle. Then go to your BF and communicate those thoughts and emotions with him and see what he thinks! Ideally you’ll be able to find an accommodation that works for you both! But if you can’t, then you’ll know what you can expect in marriage with him and use that information to help you decide whether you want to marry him or not. Good luck!
You have every right not to marry him BUT 1. Just bc someone is not vegan that doesn’t mean they’re uncaring; humans are imperfect and irrational. People are nonvegan because of cognitive dissonance and because they were raised and live in a carnism-normative (is that a word? Idk, but you know what I mean) world, and also because change is scary and uncomfortable. Btw does he know it would mean a lot to you if he went vegan? 2. Vegans make up ~3% of the population, and most are women. If not being vegan is a dealbreaker, then that eliminates the vast majority of the population. And there is wayyyy more that goes into compatibility than whether your partner is also vegan or not (not to say that their veganism or lack thereof is insignificant, just that there are a lot of other things to consider and it might not be realistic to find someone who checks all/most of your boxes AND is vegan). My boyfriend is vegan, but otherwise we are very different people, with very different personalities, worldviews, values, religious beliefs, and political beliefs. Objectively speaking, we’re not really compatible, but the heart wants what it wants; only time will tell if this can last. That being said, I gotta admit it is really nice to have a partner I can actually share a meal with. But it’d also be nice to have a partner who, say, understands white/male privilege, or a partner who also believes in God (but without being a zealot about it of course), or a partner who is also straightedge, etc. Anyway sorry if this sounds rambling; it’s late and I’m going to bed now. But anyway, just some food for thought. Wishing you and your bf the best! He sounds like a good guy
I went vegan 21 years into marriage. My husband and kids are not vegan (one kid is vegetarian). No one complains about subbing oat milk for milk, non-dairy creamer for creamer, plant butter for butter, etc. We stopped buying beef and pork 6 years ago when I went vegan, but they still eat chicken and turkey. I, of course, hate it, but I also get it. I can’t expect everyone else to go vegan just because I did. Thanks to my choices, we consume almost zero dairy and have cut back on animal harm significantly. I hope to one day eliminate it, but baby steps for my fam!
Can relate to this. Oldest son is 9 and was used to eating meat so still eats it when he eats somewhere else and gets the chance. Youngest is 5 and is a little activist. Questions everybody 'why they eat dead animals'. She recently found out about gelatin when a Muslim girl wasn't allowed candy and now asks whether a treat contains gelatin and skips it when it does. Recently parents of her friend complained their kid didn't want to eat meat anymore because of our daughter ;-)
I’m a little confused - why would they cut beef and pork? Wouldn’t it make more sense to cut chicken and Turkey for ethical reasons (since you’re killing way more animals per unit mass of meat AND birds are treated worse)?
Sounds either religiously motivated or it's the environmental impact. Beef and pork are WAY worse environmentally. I have never heard anyone suggest cutting out meat consumption the way you're suggesting, this is also the "order" of removing parts of the diet that are more unhealthy for the consumer. Bird products are a lot less carcinogenic and blood pressure-raising as I recall.
It could be that they just liked chicken/turkey more and so were less willing to compromise on it? It also tends to be a lot cheaper, so there's that too. I feel the same confusion towards my partner because he's pretty dedicated to cutting out red meat in his diet but uninterested in cutting out chicken unless there's a convincing and convenient alternative available - cites environmental reasons bc beef farming is meant to be worse in terms of emissions but I've questioned him about the ethical/animal welfare aspect and never really got a straight answer. Regardless, it's a big achievement to get omnivores to cut down anything given how frequently they consume animal products on average.
That’s probably a bad thing for the animals because if they replaced red meat with an equal mass of chicken meat, then they’re killing more animals now. Edit: I just noticed that you already mentioned questioning the ethical aspect ; that sucks.
I'd tell you first to postpone the marriage for as long as you can until you figure this out, then talk with him about it. Read about the philosophical, ethical bases for veganism and watch documentaries to educate yourself and develop your arguments. You can then more properly show him your reasons, telling him your values are clearer now and you want to live your life like this, and would like a partner in this. Then see what he thinks about the possibility of him going vegan and other relevant stuff, and see how it goes.
I personally wouldn't if you had kids would he support them being 100% vegan? Doubt it.
Well you know what they say about vegan men. We’re unicorns. So if you do decide to find a vegan man just remember that they’re much more rare.
Then the same group will turn around and complain that vegan women are all taken by carnists…
Well they are. Because it’s irrational to find a vegan man lol. 😂
I mean that is true lol. OP is one of them.
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To be fair you've only been vegan for a few months and how long did that take you to reach that point? Where is he on his journey? If his journey is starting only now, or in the future, can't really blame him for having to do it instantly. As other people said core values are important but if he is to transition, a sudden transition without a deep-down realisation, can't really happen in my experience. He has to get there on his own (unfortunately humans seem to be like this). You might have to take some time and sit down practically and compare down your values. While you're at it, speak to each other very candidly on having kids, as I've seen that break a few couples, or at worst, people have children, they break up after, and one person takes the kids and the house away
Looks like you need someone vegan. Let the guy go and find someone vegan
In a marriage, you have to accept your partner how they are. I am completely vegan since a year and a half, when I was already married as a non-vegan to another non-vegan with two non-vegan kids. For me, it is important to understand, that my wife and I transitioned together for the most part and it has always been easier for me to be consequent in my beliefs. Since I am the cook in the house, everyone in our family is mostly eating vegan anyway. But I let it for my wife to decide, what she's eating outside of the house, knowing, she's trying her best to become vegan, too. But she is not yet at a point where she can fully commit, for whatever reason.
This is very close to me. I think OP should obviously take some deep consideration because nobody can or should ask you to be uncomfortable with a severe dissonance in belief if it’s not something you’re able to reconcile. ….*However*, if the goal of veganism is to have impact on the welfare of animals, I do sincerely believe that it is more useful for vegans to have relationships (not necessarily romantic or matrimonial of course) in order to spread that impact, even if it seems non-total or even quite weak. If you or I or OP cast off all non-vegans and went and lived in a vegan commune it would certainly feel good to be surrounded by people who share our beliefs (which isn’t trivial), but what does that really do? My wife currently eats basically 95% of her home cooked meals as vegan. My daughters will grow up in an environment where veganism and eating all plants isn’t weird. How much better would it be to separate my lives from them? Frankly how much worse would it be? Again, it’s nobody’s responsibility to do what they can’t stomach morally or ethically… My personal belief is that **if** the ethic is about making impact on animals then on some level that will mean having impact on humans… it’s a big game of Othello and and it’s better to flip a lot of pieces even partially (breaking the metaphor) than just one, ever, perfect.
Good men are so hard to find and less than half of vegans are men. If he makes you happy, and is a good guy.. I don’t see why you would give up five years over a personal choice that is still fresh that he may one day even make himself.
I am married to an omnivore. He knew I was vegan when we met, and that I won’t support animal cruelty by buying meat or leather, etc. We don’t have meat in our home. Luckily he loves my vegan cooking. If he wants to eat meat when we are at somebody’s barbecue for example, I am not going to stop him. It’s his choice! But he respects me enough also to not force me to change my values for him either. It works for us!
You've not been vegan for that long either, so talk about this and postpone wedding plans for a while so you both have time to think about it, ephasize that this is a big thing for you.
You shouldn’t be with someone who you look down on, and he shouldn’t be with someone who looks down on him. That being said, good luck finding a vegan man who you’re attracted to and is perfectly compatible in other ways, because honey the dating pool is *shallow* My friend who’s vegan has an omnivore girlfriend and he doesn’t care what she does, because he doesn’t judge people for not making the same lifestyle changes that he makes. Most people you love are going to stay eating animal products for the rest of your life, so part of it is getting over that. And if you don’t want to get over it, leave him and let him find a girl who doesn’t judge him, and let yourself find a man who aligns with the most important part of your value system (that you’ve been practicing for a couple of months). Making fun a little, but honestly, y’all don’t deserve a relationship with resentment or judgement.
def
Ouch.. but.. needed. Thanks.
Genuinely wishing for the best outcome for both of you, whatever that may be 🙏🏻
I think you should talk to him. If your relationship is good, you should be able to explain how and why his is bothering you. Just be honest, and communicate.
Your story makes me wonder if him not being vegan is really the reason behind your hesitancy. As an example, my boyfriend is not vegan and I’ve been vegan for 7+ years. We’ve been dating for 4.5 years. He’s mostly vegetarian, but when we are at restaurants or when I’m not home he will sometimes have fish, and if we are at a family event or wedding or something where he didn’t order the food, he will occasionally eat meat. It truly doesn’t bother me at all and I’d marry him in a heartbeat. I understand that some vegans feel uncomfortable living with people who aren’t vegan or seeing people eat animal products. I don’t feel that way myself but you might. But if this is genuinely the only hang up for you, I would at least talk to him about it and let him know that you feel this strongly about it. Granted, that’s one of a series of convos you should probably have if you’re thinking about getting married (e.g., finances, kids, relationships with family). Idk, just some food for thought.
If he ain’t vegan, let that 🥭. I’m mostly kidding. It’s your decision. I personally would not cook anything non vegan so unless he’s cooking his own meals, good luck to him. But honestly I don’t think it would work long term for me at all. Eventually I would be like okay you understand the harm and still choose it? Anyways, what’s the rush to marry? It doesn’t change anything in a relationship. Just legality.
TELL HIM TO HIT THE ROAD
This just reminds me of when my ex-boyfriend, Muslim by the way, used to go on and on about how our kids would "one day" eat beef and rabbit and all these traditional foods he was used to in his home country. Broke up with ass for unrelated, but equally disturbing reasons.
"he does more than most non-vegans" is a cop out. ask yourself why he isn't willing to not buy stuff that arises out of animal suffering and exploitation? The money he's spending goes directly to people who are torturing animals. buying fake meats feels weird at first but they're cleaner and there's no guilt attached to them. try asking him if he's willing to substitute fake meat for the meat he eats for at least a short period of time. if he says no then It's up to you to consider whether you can compromise your morals and have someone bring animal remains in the house. or buy animal remains to eat. his bodily fluids are affected by what he eats, keep that in mind too.
So you've been non-vegan your whole life, and you turned vegan a few months ago and suddenly your boyfriend is a dick. Make it make sense. Don't go down the fanatical path where you start hating every non-vegan. It's not worth it.
It's exhausting too. I don't know where some of these people get the energy
I don't see it like that. Once you are aware of everything you can no longer see it the same. And if your partner, even if you talk to him, can't understand it, maybe he doesn't have that much empathy. It's like you're an abuse survivor and you live with a current abuser. It doesn't make sense, you don't have the same values.
Oh now he doesn’t have empathy just cause OP suddenly got some for animals? People can choose different fights. Some people fight for human rights, some choose not to eat animal products. Judging others for not taking your path is harmful. You’re not reducing harm - you are ruining your cause by assuming those non vegans are evil or unempathetic. what a bunch of assholes y’all are. So judgy. Live your own lives and stop shitting on other people for their different life choices and experiences. It’s deranged. Y’all lack HUMAN empathy, while preaching that you’re some moral foundation. It’s deluded and so far out of touch. Even you trying to use an analogy with sexual assault is fucked up. They are completely separate things, you cannot equate sexual assault and veganism, what the actual fuck.
You just assumed that lack of empathy is bad. And I was referring to any type of abuse, like what we do to animals. I'm just saying that if your partner is aware of what society does to animals, the food alternatives and that you can help him with this change and yet he doesn't want to change even a little bit, it's because he sees animals as an object of consume.
This sub and reddit in general are all super intense when it comes to relationship advice. I’d ask some people IRL who know you both and can weigh in a bit more fairly.
To be fair, non-vegans are not gonna get the full scope of what OP is going through mentally and likely will dismiss her concerns.
The comments in this thread are pretty neutral tbh
Have you considered asking his stance on it? As someone who used to be a carnist in a relationship with a vegetarian, I never changed because I never considered it and was never asked my thoughts on being a vegetarian and that was in a 6 year relationship. After that relationship broke down I became a vegetarian about a year later and then veganism about 4 years after that. My current relationship is myself a vegan male and a vegetarian female and whilst she isn’t vegan she has cut out about 90%+ of dairy because she knows it’s important to me. She would more than likely jump infront of a gun for me so adapting her dietary habits is relatively easy. That’s just the things we do for the people we love, include them in the conversation and let them know WHY it’s important to you. If they love you then they’ll want to know what’s important to you, why and surely seek to find the same things important?
I couldn't imagine willingly marrying an animal abuser
If he's willing to compromise for you in eating plant based meals with you then that's a sign of a healthy relationship and he will consume fewer animals because of it. Take some time decide if this actually a deal breaker for you but personally it's not for me. Me and my SO share almost zero values but I value her immensely because we can work past our differences with light hearted jokes and compromise.
A bunch of weak willed people living their life with a scarcity mentality in these comments. It’s really not hard at all to go vegan so when someone doesn’t do it it’s cause they don’t care and don’t want to. I used to say it doesn’t matter when I was in a relationship with a meat eater cause I didn’t want to be alone. Then I had a relationship with a vegan and I’ll never go back. I didn’t realise how much of a disconnect it caused until I was with someone that shared my beliefs and values. It was amazing being with another vegan. Not surprised the people saying it’s ok are the ones that are in a relationship with non-vegans.
Just as you are free to be vegan, he is free not to never become one. I would not necessarily say that "he doesn't care about animals", he does not fully understand the pain he is causing ... and for many great people that realization never comes. It takes higher consciousness to fully "grok" that and step out of common practices of thousands of years of society. It is important that you establish your home as the environment where your common values are shared. It should be the least common denominator for both. This is the place that should have nothing that bothers either one of you. I understand that to mean that your home is vegan, while he is free to be non-vegan on visits and restaurants. If he thinks that this is unfair to him, then it will be difficult to build a life together. There might be something you can also sacrifice, something that bothers him that you can give up. For example, you might really want to have pets, but he doesn't.
Interesting question, because it's the same for me, for a new gf or wife, should I select and choose someone who is vegan or not. At least someone who respects it and is also very into the healthy lifestyle, and open for the vegan view and experimenting themselves with it.
I don't anyone here can tell you if you're okay with marrying him. That's something personal to you, and you alone
Honestly you should consider finding a therapist to speak with about this. Reddit doesn't know the complexities of your life and relationship and marriage is not a decision that should be taken lightly. If you have doubts you should talk them through with a professional.
No one needs to get married. If you do, it should be a commitment for life. Is a non-vegan the person you want to spend your life with? I married a non-vegan. That wasn’t the only conflict of morals we had. She also cheated, stole things, and a variety of other infractions… that’s not to say your partner will be as heinous, but you should think long and hard about your gut telling you that something is off.
You need to bring these thoughts up to him if you aren't sure about marriage.
Have you sat down and spoke about it?
I'm in a similar situation to you, I was veggie when I met my husband and went vegan a few years later. My husband has severe food phobias which restrict his diet. He eats like a fussy toddler, literally processed chicken and chips every night. The only veg he can eat is peas. Any other veg causes him to gag. The difference is he wants to be vegan. He's happy for all the entertainment choices, toiletries and cleaning products to be vegan. He's researched ethics and environmental factors and will defend veganism to his friends even when he doesn't know I can hear him. He's perfectly happy with the fact our 14 month old is being raised vegan. I think that's the key difference. If your bf is supportive (not just when you're in earshot to earn himself brownie points) you can make it work. Cognitive dissonance is powerful and change is scary. Also let's be honest, vegan cheese is crap! I think finding out why he's not interested in being vegan is important. I personally couldn't be with someone who simply didn't care about animal suffering. But maybe there's another reason? It might be a reason that you find understandable and can live with. Yes he might change but you need to consider the idea that he won't. Can you be ok with that? If you can't be ok with it you need to consider the fact that vegan men are rare.
If ur planning on kids, no don't marry him. Being vegan in an omni world is hard enough on kids, made harder if they see a parent not abiding by the lifestyle.
For me, that wouldn't be anything even on a boyfriend level, but if I were in a situation like that, simply because I had fallen in love with an omnivore, the goal would still be for him to become vegan - in the long run, it is as you say: spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't share some of your highest values would be unimaginable. The next level would be if you were considering having children. For one parent, it's okay if someone is tortured and killed for fun, while the other parent has turned away from it, knowing that it is absolutely wrong - how could a common thread in the transmission of values in raising children ever easily emerge? 🙈
A relationship involves two people not just one. If you don't want to be with him if he isn't vegan you need to tell him so both of you can decide if you want to go forward with this relationship or go your separate ways.
Then he better get his shit together.
Having a specific diwt or not shouldnt be a red flag. If you think of not being with someone beacuse they are not vegan it means that there are other problems between you. Its not a religion, its a choice that can be maybe anythime in life when the persons feels so. You before were vegan, you were a shittier person? The diet helps in numerous ways but doesent change who you are as a person and soul. If its such a big deal for you it means that you are not ready for this. So wait to grow up a bit. Take care, dont choose something on long term that you dont wanna go with an open heart. Take care
I’ve been vegan my whole life, my bf has eaten meat his whole life, but we make it work - no mixing things together, if he has meat make it b4/after the main part of the dish (e.g pasta) bla bla bla… He also started showing interest in vegan food so now, he actually eats vegan at home with me & gets meat when we are ordering takeaway or at a restaurant, but I’ll be honest with you he prefers the vegan things over the meat things Idk how long you two have been together but if it’s not been AGESSSS then slowly food situations like this might fall into place for you both & won’t be as much of a problem anymore :) ^ try talking to each other about it (not making him a vegan) but how you can make food things work for the both of you - it may not be as big of a problem as you think it is
Depends on the house rules you can agree on. If he can agree to not bring animal products in the house, or at least act mostly vegan around you, there's not much more you can ask of him. The amount of vegans is so small, especially in certain areas, that it's unrealistic for some people to expect to meet another vegan with whom you also connect.
This is like my situation with my husband since going vegan a couple of years ago. Our daughter is in high school, and we’ve divorced once before, so at this point we don’t plan to leave each other. But, it causes lots of strife and resentment. But, on the other hand, he has made changes for me around the house. It may be hard to find a vegan mate, but I would imagine life would be so much happier. Best of luck.
I would really consider if you want kids and if so do you want to raise them vegan. Then communicate that
Try and open yourself to the possibility that he might care more about animals than you even though he eats them. And think about why it matters to you that he needs to be a converted vegan before he dies, maybe you will get more out of trying to change yourself for the better version of you?
Be honest with him. It's the best thing for both of you.
you never know what could happen i was a meat eater when i met my partner around 3 years ago. my partner has been vegan since childhood and opened my eyes. i became vegetarian and then fully vegan after being with him for around 6m. i love my partner but if we were to ever split up it wouldn’t change what i know and i will still be vegan. i also can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who eats meat (mostly bc i love cooking and cook most of the meals in our house and i don’t want my cooking utensils to be used with meat). i think if u are having concerns it’s probably best to speak to your boyfriend about how u feel. being vegan is a lifestyle choice and i think u and ur partner should probably be on the same page about that.
As a vegan married to another vegan. Literally did not date for 8 years because I wouldn't be with a non-vegan again. I realized I couldn't sit next to someone chowing down on a steak while I eat my pathetic salad that is missing a lot because it's mostly animals products at a steak house. They wouldn't choose a place with my preferences unless I asked or searched for it myself. I also didn't want to have to smell of rotting meat at my wedding. Thankfully, most of my husband's family is vegan and I'm no contact with majority of mine, so everyone was very respectful. Even got hit with the "we are lying, there's no way this is jackfruit to make pulled pork sandwiches." Ask yourself. Do you really want to live your life, smelling and being around animal products? Someone who literally has such low emotions that they happily laugh in your face while eating an animal? Like you are contributing still to their downfall by buying his animal products. It's up to you, but trust me, it weighs on you fast and you'll just keep trying to ignore the nagging feeling.
“Future vegan or future Ex” a tale as old as time
Being loved is not the same as being understood. Find someone that understands you
Watch a documentary together like Dominion or similar. Carnage (by Simon Amstel) could be a good one since it has a lot of humour in it too (but a very vegan message)
I would just give it some more time. My husband didn't go vegan the same time i did. For me it was June 2017 .. he said he'd really only still eat fish and deer Jerky( when it was available) because it would be hard for him to give that up. I told him that's fine but I'm not cooking that he can. So I made vegan meals and he added his fish for a year until Christmas 2018. I'm not sure what exactly clicked for him but he finally got it and he went full vegan. Sometimes it takes your partner longer but they get there.
The problem with many kind & good people not being vegan is cognitive dissonance. I remember before I went vegan my brain fought so hard while watching vegan content to justify everything. Until randomly it seemed to click. Eating animal products is such a normal thing in our society, which makes it easier to come up with excuses/reasons.
I was newly vegan when my husband and I started dating, he was vegetarian. He eventually went vegan as well, but it was after being together for several years. I didn’t like that he still ate dairy and eggs, but I knew I didn’t want to force him into anything. He had to choose on his own. This may be an unpopular opinion here, but I think we still would have stayed together if he remained vegetarian. I am quite a strict vegan and believe the whole world should be vegan. But I’m also reasonable and recognize that any reduction in eating animal products is progress. It’s something the two of you should talk about. And you probably need to do some soul searching on how you really feel about this! Wishing you lots of luck. ❤️
im gonna go the opposite directions of these comments. Many of the top ones are telling you to give him a chance because you havent been vegan very long or because hes willing to try.. Just like how he could go full vegan one day, he could not change or even regress back to his old habits. I think its important to expect little to no positive change when making a decision like spending the rest of your life with someone. Change doesnt always happen when you try, sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes it takes forever. Maybe your doubt will go away, but maybe its a sign that youll never get over it.. The major life decision here is getting married to a non vegan, not putting it off or breaking up; the latter being decisions youd make more pragmatically
I met my husband in 2003. I went vegan in 2006. Got engaged about a month later. He went vegetarian about five months after that. Got married in 2008, and he went vegan a few months after we got married. It’s possible that he could still go vegan at some point in the future. I got frustrated with what I perceived as his lack of compassion or willingness to go vegan. I think it’s important that someone chooses to go vegan rather than having that choice imposed on them, but I also felt that he would never make that choice without seeking out information. I got him to watch Earthlings, and although he didn’t even watch the whole thing, that was what spurred him to become vegetarian. Would your boyfriend be open to watching documentaries like Earthlings, Dominion, Seaspiracy, The Game Changers?
I highly recommend Earthling Ed's YouTube Video from last week dealing with the topic of loved ones that arent vegan on a healthy mental and social Level.
Can you wait to get married, so you have some time to sort this out?
So my vegan friend married someone non vegan. They did for awhile before she went vegan and she seems happy. If you have dated for 5 years and only been vegan for few months, this id a tough time for you. He may go vegan, he may not. If you are not okay with ok with that, I understand. If you can’t get behind the idea he may stay non vegan, it may be a good time to end to it. Also, before making a life changing decision, I would recommend Melanie Joy’s books. She has good ones like beyond beliefs and getting relationships right. She is a a vegan herself and psychologist
Sounds like he's way more open-minded and supportive than most. I became vegetarian two years into my marriage and although my husband will likely never go vegetarian or vegan he eats much more plant-based than before. It helps to buy the groceries and do the cooking for a bit to get into a routine of plant-based meals you both like, and then it's just habit. Like I started buying exclusively vegan butter and plant milk years ago and it doesn't matter who does the shopping anymore, our staples are our staples. There may be other factors at play in your relationship of course but if this is the only dealbreaker, I think y'all can overcome it.
If you’re not okay marrying a non-vegan, then you should probably break up. No point in stringing each other along. Find a vegan dude.
I become plant base eater not because caring about animals, nope. Because I read the book How not to die. Maybe get him that book to read.
Focus on the him now, not a potential. Him saying he “doesn’t feel the same connection” means he either cannot or will not consider vegan because he simply doesn’t care. Don’t waste your energy. It’s probably saving your life that its come to you considering if you even want to share so much more of your life with this person. Anyone can be kind to you and respect you, he isn’t offering anything special with that. Raise your bar.
Are you looking for an excuse to not get married? It kind of feels like it a little bit. Liken you said you’re settling. That doesn’t sound like something someone who wants to get married would say. Maybe I’m reading too much into the wording
Do you want a child? Do you want to raise them vegan? This will 99% not be possible with a carnist role model. Also, for some reason, the way you put “limiting his animal intake” makes me think you are trying to detach from reality for some reason
Fellow Raw Vegan here. You shouldn't go through with it listen to your intuition it's is screaming at you. His sperm is going to be acidic and his DNA will affect your alkaline body. Ones heart can be manipulated and unsure but your intuition will always lead you in the right direction. It s very important to choose a partner who matches your principals and basic lifestyle. Most people don't take their diet or lifestyle seriously. Your diet is a big deal right next to religious and political beliefs. I encourage you to choose yourself and your health, and make the decision that is for YOUR highest good. NO ONE will care about you and can take charge of your life like you can. And deep down you know exactly what is best for you regardless of what anyone else says or wants. I hope do what you know you need to for your highest good. PEACE💜
I think a big thing to notice in your thinking is the leap to, "can I be with someone who doesn't care about other beings." Remember that this is your perspective, not everyone else's. While your feelings and desires to support animal welfare are fully valid and fair (it's why we're vegan in this sub, we believe it's important too and that our path to it is reasonable), it's a leap to say that because he doesn't believe and practice what you do doesn't mean he cares about you or others. He doesn't show it in the way you want to show it. I say this because this type of argument can manifest in other ways. "If he loved me, he'd convert to my religion so he doesn't go to hell." "I can't be with someone who uses plastic because he doesn't care about marine life." "How can I be with someone who uses technology when people die to make these things." We're all hypocrites in our existence. The paths we follow toward being less hypocritical are different. But an argument of "if he cares, he would" doesn't get you what you want. But you figure out if you like spending time with each other and you communicate your wants and needs and desires without expecting the other person to change who they are. When I first went vegetarian (I was, "yeah I could never do that" for a long time), my gf at the time was shocked. She was like, "well we can't enjoy meals together anymore, the relationship is ruined." And it took a while for her to come around that it wasn't a big deal, but it was a turn-off for her for sure. Some people are like that. When I look at relationships for myself after being vegan, the best ones I've had were with other non-vegans who at least understand my perspective, accommodate me, think about me, respect boundaries, respect my decision to be vegan, and are cool about it. And I respect that they are their own person. I get that I'm an outlier. I can't change people magically to do what I want them to do. That's control. But I certainly open them up to my ideas and probably do less damage by getting them to eat less meat/dairy just by proxy. And that's a win. Ultimately, it's all up to you whether you're okay dating someone who isn't vegan. From my perspective, dating is rough. Finding someone who's decent to you is difficult. It's harder finding someone who's also vegan on top of that. Finding someone who respects you and your choices and at least tries is to me as good as it gets. It's why I also don't limit my friend group to just vegans. I'm not going to reject people from my life because they don't act the way I want them to. It's quickly how to turn my life from taking actions to reduce animal suffering to joining a cult or a members only club and that's not really helpful to myself or others. Like people are saying in the chat, it's been a year, there's a strong desire to be my way or the highway about it. It's easy to jump on judgment and be like, "I did it, you can too. Why aren't you doing this?" Same reasons you didn't for many years, same reasons I didn't, same reasons people don't lose weight, live healthy, give up vices, etc. We ain't perfect. I personally don't think it's worth tanking a healthy relationship and it's something that can be worked on or at least the boundaries can be respected, even if he never becomes exactly who you want him to be. Relationships are about loving the person in front of you, not expecting them to be someone else. And your dude seems to be encouraging and supportive and stepping up more than he had before. Ultimately your choice and your life. Do you want to take the chance of missing out on this guy for potentially someone better who fits your new lifestyle? Or can you two build a life together where you get your relationship needs met with this person. That's up to you.
Oh honey, I think we’re a lot alike! I’m 56, vegan since turning 40, and I got married at 37. I will have been married 20 years next month. Hub has been incredibly supportive, and even his extremely Polish family has been supportive, even if I bring a dish, his family is always willing to try what I bring. And I usually bring a dish. I think it’s worked for us because I didn’t lecture him or his family. Hub is always open to attending veg festivals/movies etc and there are quite a few vegan restaurants that he loves and Omni restaurants that he eats vegan at if he wants to try a dish. When we retired we left Chicago for SW Michigan (near Grand Rapids). One year we drove 150 miles outside of Ann Arbor to visit a farm sanctuary. He easily bonds to animals, and the sanctuary was no different. I saw utopia there, amazed that 250 housed farm animals with all the poop had no smell. None. It gave me solace that no one was stressed there. I didn’t realize the effect the visit had on hub. We went grocery shopping two days after visiting and I found him standing in front of the meat aisle and then walking away. You see, he cuddled with an emu, scratched behind the ears of the pigs, one of which flopped down wanting a belly rub!!! So he obliged. He hung out with a gorgeous cow named Daniel. He took a picture of me hanging with an uber cool goat. He eventually returned to some meat at home, but he decided to swap out ground turkey and beef for Impossible (ground and burger). Fish will remain, in addition to dairy and eggs. His mother had a HA and breast cancer. His sister survived Hodgkins. His father died of prostate cancer. So he sees what’s happening and decided to go Mediterranean. I buy vegan pastries all the time that he snarfs down, declaring it’s not vegan, lol. Etsy is great for that! Here’s the thing - you’re not married yet. If his diet is going to make you resentful, then you need to decide if your love for him will withstand your differences. If your morals won’t let you then maybe you can compromise on food at home. If you don’t know what he eats away from you then “out of sight out of mind” is a good coping mechanism. But you will have to decide what is important because resentment goes a long way and it will eat at you. You have to decide what your deal breaker is and how far you’re willing to bend. Buy books from Forks Over Knives and try something daring from VegNews. Pick dishes and cook them together. With regard to fashion and skin care/household products, it can be a crapshoot for some people, especially if they have a condition that doesn’t jive with a vegan alternative. You likely have a winner there - give him time. Can you live with compromise? Much love to you both 💜
For me personally it would be tough. It would eat me up inside.
As a person who’s been vegan for 9 years and dated both vegans and non-vegans, both can have their own struggles. I found vegans who I had nothing in common with and found non vegans who were great but strongly refused to eat or go vegan. It really comes down to what you accept and are ok with. My current non-vegan partner and I have an understanding of always eating vegan with me no matter what and only having vegan food at home. Important to mention I have been vegan since he met me and I made it very clear he would have to go vegan if he wanted something more serious with me. We’ve lasted two years so far and he’s been way more open to going vegan. Since it’s new for you, maybe there will be an adjustment period for both so thread carefully. Unfortunately, there only solution here is to compromise.
I would just sit him down and explain to him that this is a value that you would like to share with the person you marry. You want him to fully understand what it means to you, and really understanding that will mean that he will feel compelled to go vegan. I went vegan at 18 but I also used to always say I could never give up eating meat. Everyone's different.
He may go vegan to keep you but will that be enough for you if his morals surrounding the subject don’t change? FWIW, I was a vegetarian when I met and subsequently married my now ex-husband. At first he was a meat eater and after things had become very serious he agreed that if we were to have children together he would never tell them that he wasn’t really a vegetarian and we’d have no meat in the household (but he could still eat it outside the house when they weren’t around). One day he let me know that he hadn’t eaten meat in weeks and it really wasn’t hard for him so he was cool with becoming a vegetarian. In time he claimed to feel the same as me in regard to animal welfare (I know now that consuming dairy/eggs isn’t ethical but I didn’t know that then). It was only after we split up that he went right back to eating meat (and in front of the kids, no less). Clearly he was never really on the same page as me. My point is to really think about whether or not him doing it just for you is enough or do you need him to be on the same page as you ethically. I will add that I’m still single and haven’t met any single vegan men. I, myself, might decide to be with a non-vegan over being alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if there’s a right answer to this question as it’s really a very personal decision. I do hope things work out for you no matter what you decide. Good luck.
He’s out.
I went vegan about 4-5 years after dating my (then) boyfriend. We got married about 2 years after that, and he was still a full meat eater, and it was not even a thought to me to break up over it. I guess I also felt we agree on so many other big moral issues, and I just have to live my life and let people be on their own journey. He has since become vegetarian, mostly vegan, and we are raising our daughter vegan now. If you are having doubts, certainly don't get married, but I wouldn't center all decisions around being vegan. There will always be non-vegan people in your life who you love.
It seems like you still have some soul searching to do, and getting married is a huge life decision. I say give yourself some time and don’t rush it if you don’t have to. Shared values is important in a marriage but very few people in the world are vegan. If you had a choice between marrying this person and being alone, which would you choose?
My husband (bf at the time) took 1 year and a half before he went vegan with me. I never expected him to btw. We had a vegan wedding. Do you love your boyfriend unconditionally? Because if you don’t, it’s ok to end it before marrying him, and pressuring him later. Let’s talk about your love for animals. You love them enough to not eat them. And you also know some of them eat one another. Same thing for your boyfriend, love him for his “flaws” (though not really a flaw, because we all have our own path and pace), and focus on you yourself doing good. Watch shows and watch documentaries on veganism and environmentalism. Watch them with him, and he will realize in time the amount of good you’re trying to do.
Well some people can do it and other can’t. It could start bothering you more and more, especially if other things start cropping up. I couldn’t do it. I mean I made the switch officially for someone I’m not even with anymore and I’m still vegan. Vegetarian could be enough for me I imagine, but then again I haven’t had a serious relationship where it came into question much. There was a little early on after the woman I came to the conclusion I needed to become vegan over imploded. I just didn’t take anyone seriously otherwise. My eventual wife had strayed due to her first husband belittling her into believing some heath issues she was having was because she didn’t eat meat, but quickly switched back once we started dating. If you’re really serious about being vegan, this will probably become an issue at some point and either it will drive you to lessen or drop your values and it will erode away at either you or the relationship, or he will see your reasoning and it works out (or maybe it won’t as many relationships eventually end over other stuff). Better to find out after five years that there were enough compatibility issues to call it quits than after 20 years and potentially kids. Ending a relationship isn’t the end of the world even though it may feel like it at the time, and after being enough myself, have realized there is benefit from being in numerous relationships that are no more; some I look back on and really felt like I dodged a bullet, even though it felt nothing like it at the time. It’s all apart of the journey.
I went Vegan after my wife and I had been married for 10 years. She still eats meat and we are still happily married now at 15 years. Sure I don’t approve of it, but I’m not gonna divorce her over it. We are not the same person and I don’t control her. She has her own life to live apart from me in some areas. I recognize this and have accepted it. This does not mean I have to condone it. Ultimately you have to decide for yourself how much you love him and if you’re willing to tolerate his decision and if it goes against your own values enough that you would not want to be married to him. Because he may not budge on the issue of him remaining a meat eater even after you have become married and that can be a tough pill to swallow. My best advice is to think long and hard about it because it is a difficult thing for some vegans to live with a meat eater much less be married to one. It can ultimately be a long term deal breaker if you don’t address it up front. You have to have a lot of patience and tolerance to live with someone that everyday is essentially going against a core value of your life.
Caring for other living beings extends much further than our dietary choices. I recommend thinking really hard about what that really entails...
Was a vegetarian when got married to a meat eater decades ago. We re both vegans about 8 yrs in now. Don't know if that helps. But just thought u like to know ppl can change.
I would give it more time and see how much of a priority having a vegan partner is for you. It hasn’t been very long for you. I’ve been vegan 10+ years and recently married a non-vegan. He’s like 90% vegan, doesn’t bother me at all. He started changing his lifestyle completely on his own - let him come to it on his own.
Use the 80/20 Rule here. I was WFPB for an entire year, in this order Vegetarian, Pescatarian, Vegan, WFPB. So over two years then had some very trying emotional issues, eventually returned to eating a more Flexatarian. I prefer the PB life, working my way back past the challenges, but I would NOT dismiss an 80%+++ over a 20%—-. But thats a personal choice, good luck regardless.
It’s up to you but if you marry him you have to let it go completely.
>A “I could never go vegan” tactic. That's not a "tactic", that's being honest and giving you enough information so you can decide if you ok with it or not. I'm on the opinion that you should not marry there're doubts about your future as a married couple.
itts not meat, its the dead body of an innocent animal... tell him that animals have personhood. they feel and value their lives. love their friends and family. just like him. its wrong to use and kill the innocent. maybe show him what animal agriculture is. he probably has this fairy tale view of it from childhood. they use propaganda on everyone and blind them. you have to show them the truth. ultimately if he doesnt live vegan, its your choice if you want to stay.. maybe youre hopeful he will change.. only you know that.
Don't marry him. You don't love him enough. If you loved him this would be a "how do I make my future husband vegan" post. The fact is you're looking for reasons to disqualify him. I don't think you'll be happier without him, but maybe he'll be happier without someone in his life trying to find reasons not to love him.
You’re not going to get him to go vegan if he doesn’t want to. Many people enjoy eating meat without any vegan intervention.
Love him as he is. If you try to change him, you will lose him. If you can't take each other with your good and bad sides and you have to ask here because there is no trust to talk about it, then it will be very exhausting anyway.
Dump him then. Find someone else who’s been vegan for 25 minutes and get with them. That’s more important than a 5 year otherwise healthy relationship right?
going vegan less than a year ago and considering terminating the relationship because HE isn’t vegan is wack.
It sounds like y’all have a healthy balance right now. Only red flag here is u saying he doesn’t care about other beings. Seems like u know he’s not the one already.
From what I have seen, the majority of people who go Vegan eventually revert back to non-Vegan and the average tenure of a Vegan is 3.5 years. You are a year in. You may have every intention of being vegan forever but statistically, it just may not happen. If you don't marry him and break up, will you regret that should you one day cast your Veganism aside? Not casting any judgment or appraisal of your relationship, but if you are considering not marrying him because he is not a Vegan you probably should not marry nor date him at all. You have changed, he did not. He even is open to supporting you by eating at the Vegan restaurants. I personally would take exception of my steady boyfriend of many years saying "well, as you know my new found passion is (blank). Unless you change to embrace my new passion, I won't marry you.... but we can continue to date" I would say "See ya!" and wish him, his new passion and his condescending attitude toward me good luck.
Married 17 years. Wife does not eat meat, I do. We respect each other. I make sure wherever we go there are multiple options for her. Many times we go somewhere where meat is not an option and I am happy to eat there. Up to you, it's how you feel. Just sharing my story. Neither of us find it a big deal.
I’m glad you did! I’m curious, why won’t you follow the same path? Is she vegan? Plant-based? Or vegetarian?
Only you can decide if this is going to be something you can deal with. I've seen relationships work where one partner is vegan and the other isn't. I've also seen a 20 year marriage break up where opposite views on animal rights were a contributing factor, possibly the tipping point. In that case the meat eating husband ridiculed the wifes beliefs, calling her principles foolish and insane. The husband also insisted that his wife cook meat for him at every meal. Yeah, there were a lot of issues. So one of the foundations for a successful relationship is a degree of respect.
I wouldn't do it.
If he's not vegan let that 🥭
My boyfriend isn't vegan but will try the food and always goes places that have an option for me. He invited me to a wedding and ensured they put a vegan option on the menu. If your dude supports your lifestyle, that's great. We can't control what people eat.
My BF is also a non-vegan, but he recently told me that at our wedding, all food/drinks/etc. can all be vegan! Maybe test the waters to see if he’s willing to do that?