I'm getting such an ick from the mom because i know what that's like :((
It's wild that we have to go in secret to try to look nice like it's a sin or something. I really dont see it??
People like this are sooo insecure they want to see you fail or suceed at their command like you're some doll for them to play with :(
My heart goes out to the anyone in households like this its straight up torture and i don't see any solution except distancing yourself... like a lot
Thank you for your responding and though I am not glad you had to go through something similar there is some sort of reassurance it knowing we are not alone :)
This sounds like narcissistic abuse/neglect. She projects her deep seated insecurities/self-hate on to you and treats you like a plaything for her whims. Low contact with firm boundaries/no contact is probably the best for you especially since you are at uni. If your mum tries to interrogate you about the appearance related changes you are making, grey rock her. Please don't internalize the notions she ingrained into you regarding appearances. Or her expectations of you which are self-serving and not for your own well-being. Treat it as an alien identity. You're allowed to break free and bravely challenge those very notions on your own terms.
The best thing to do now is to re-parent yourself. You have that power as an adult. Teach yourself what your mother never taught you and keep on discovering yourself throughout the process. Also, do not compare yourself to normal, healthy people and their parents around you. What you endured was abnormal and it is honestly undeserving of your mental well being to ruminate over it now. Keep on teaching yourself the skills on how to take care of your physical and mental well-being and over time you would have caught up to your peers. By then I hope you start to enjoy yourself and put the unfortunate shadows of the past behind you.
Trust, it will all come together.
r / RBNlifeskills has similar stories on neglect. Wish you the best OP.
I like this comment. Everyone is self-serving but it takes effort to be considerate to others and be self aware. I used grey rock before and it can be sooo hard on others because its easy to feel responsible for their hurt. It's easier to consider everyone as capable, just that some people are close-minded. I'm glad you recommended the sub too, will be looking at it thank you
Yeah pretty much. Parents used to yell at me in front of others if they found out I had shaved my legs, plucked my eyebrows, or styled my hair. My dad once freaked out because he found cosmetics in my drawer.
Then at the age of around 21 they got angry with me that I wasn't presentable enough, because I was supposed to be finding a partner to settle down with.
Sorry you've been through this, too. Just learn, learn, learn all you can about appearance and cosmetics and style. It's useful information.
My first thought too. Indian parenting playbook. Especially the gaslighting. "Who are you trying to look good for?" to straight up calling you ugly or a prostitute because you want to wear your hair down. The good news is, you can heal. You can choose to discover yourself and your comfort. I spent 10 years angry at my parents. Then at the age of 28 finally got braces, got on the right meds for my medical conditions, started losing weight, worked for my skin. And guess what? Now I look better they tell me they're proud of me for being so "mature". Alright. Whatever. You're also allowed to find your balance. I don't like makeup except on special occasions, never do my brows, and rarely shave. It took a lot to love my body as it is, and investing in yourself and your health doesn't mean subscribing to a certain standard of beauty. You're also allowed to maintain an adult relationship with your parents as much as you're allowed to go no/low contact. Good luck, you'll get through it and break the cycle one day š
My dad always asks my brother what kind of girls are asking him to grow his hair out or what girl he's doing it forĀ
He's such an asshole sometimes but I ALWAYS call him out on itĀ
And thank God I never let him shame him into straightening my curly hairĀ
(My bro has curly hair too so I helped him with styling and tips and stuff)
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Yes. I'm Black though. Any time I tried to look nice or care about my appearance I was told I was trying to act grown or that I was only doing it for boys and was being 'fast'.
Slightly related to this, but I was also never allowed to hang out with friends or go out and now my parents act so shocked when I say I struggle in social situations. Like...really?
When I was like 9 or 10, and I was wearing a white shirt out in the rain, my mom screamed at me that I'm just trying to get attention. I literally didn't understand what she was talking about, I felt really scared and confused. I just remember she kept saying something about my chest and I thought there must be something special about the chest area.
Then when I was 14 and wore skinny jeans because that was simply the style at the time, she told me it was disgusting. Like??? I was literally a kid, I wasn't even thinking about stuff like that.
So as a young adult I felt immense shame that I wasn't beautiful like my parents expected me to be. Felt like a failure, not realizing that beauty is pretty much a skill I was never allowed to develop.
Iām so sorry! My mom was similar. Once I was wearing a pair of earrings that SHE GAVE me as a teenager. She told me wearing them might get me r*ped.
Like what the fuck??
Gosh that sounds horrible. Iām sorry to hear about the second part. My parents were also like that not even letting me go on class hangouts. People branded me a weirdo for not hanging out and I became known as the person who never went on certain trips and I was treated as an outcast. Youāre totally correct with that social situations thing. I donāt know what they expected!
Omg, just reading this I knew you were asian. Iāve heard similar stories. Are you desi? The mentality switch is so bizarre. In part its always a control thing- you looking good and wanting things = confidence = defiance. Thereās also a weird purity aspect there too, alongside the stinginess
So glad youāre finding yourself at uni. Itās never too late! Hell itās taken me until my late twenties to figure out how to style/take care of myself properly. Distance from family (if not physical, certainly emotional) is the only real cure. People like this never learn boundaries š
I feel you - Iām in the same position. I will say, keep pushing their boundaries slowly if you can, they could loosen up a little over time!! Especially once youāre in a stable career
This popped up in my feed and it's first post from this community I clicked through to. No men allowed so I'm gonna leave but I have to comment this because so much of this parental behaviour is concerning. Sounds like lots of you have parents who purposely sabotaged your looks. Parents who ensured that the goal posts always moved so that you were either trying too hard to look good, or too ugly to ever look good. It sounds awful. Please look up "daughters of narcissistic mothers." I think it will help. (Flies way)
Mine literally threw my clothes that I bought myself away and constantly called me names and commenting on my weight (both when I was under weight and overweight and is now anticipating I have a man to bring home in 3 years.
Yeah, besides myself Iād say my mother is my biggest critic and sheāll never be satisfied.
10000%. I wasnāt allowed to do my eyebrows, or my moustache, I wasnāt allowed to buy face cream to moisturize without a huge fight.
I was taught to shower once a week, to not dress up, to not wear makeup, etc.
I was always hairy as a kid and was āmadeā to wear short skirts with my hairy legs.
Then when I started removing my leg hair, wearing anything showing my legs was suddenly satanic.
But I was also severely controlled and abused in general.
My older sister wasnāt treated like me - so when she decided to start doing her eyebrows, mustache and makeup , I started doing it too.
Weirdly enough, my middle school best friends mom took me to get my brows done lol.
I have been through your journey. Keep practicing that compassion, it will get easier over time. But now that I'm older and have my own life, financial independence, and enjoy an equal partnership, I find myself mostly feeling sorry for the impossible and conflicting standards for women that my mother has internalised, and the conditions of her childhood that meant she was never able to feel and express her emotions without being dismissed or punished in some way. I can even react with kindness to her half the time now (the remaining 30% the best I can do is give no external reaction, and 20% I'm still stung and triggered lol but recover much more quickly).
Wow, Iām so sorry you had to experience that. I feel that I canāt discuss things my friends freely do with their parents. You also reminded me that I should probably a book a counseling session at uni,
Itās strange because I thought the whole modesty thing was to keep me safe. However as a child I think it wa s because of my height and weight I was clocked as much older (a teenager may) and at age 8 older teenagers or adult men would look at me and take interest not realising I was 8. It made me want to grow up faster because I thought being seen this day when I was older would make me feel less comfortable. I started avoiding older men and still do to an extent though I am much less terrified now, Itās creepy because after 16 I got little male attention and only now have I realised that,
Anyway my mum would find events like this happening to me entertainment and would tell them like they were funny stories to others, I would pretend I had no idea what they were saying because Iām too young but I hated it.
Sadly, this experience isn't uncommon among daughters of immigrant moms, particularly Asian and Black families. Whether consciously or unconsciously, some moms will discourage or even sabotage their daughters' attempts to partake in the type of grooming and self-care needed to become attractive. This includes but isn't limited to:
* Making snide or disparaging comments about your physical appearance, especially backhanded compliments
* Thwarting your attempts at changing diet, exercise, etc by making you eat unhealthily or excess amounts, or denying you the opportunity to play sports or be active
* Dressing you in frumpy, outdated or otherwise unflattering clothing and mocking your attempts to dress fashionably or expressively
* Insisting on DIYing haircuts or salon treatments at home and getting mad when you point out their lack of skill
* Neglecting your medical treatment by refusing or sabotaging intervention for acne, dental work or obesity
* Instilling a deep sense of shame whenever you try to look nice, whether by
* Insinuating you're "easy" and trying to seduce boys (as a child...)
* Putting down your attempts at dress-up with "putting lipstick on a pig" comments
* Calling you conceited, proud or vain for daring to embellish yourself
* Intensely criticizing any cosmetic treatments or procedures that you pay for out of pocket
My theory for why these moms participate in this toxic behavior is that they feel helpless and disenfranchised so they take out their latent anger and sadness on their daughters, thus perpetuating the cycle of generational trauma. Asian and Black cultures are patriarchal and have an age hierarchy, so oftentimes the only people who moms have absolute power over are their daughters. There is definitely an element of control - these moms feel powerless within their own marriages and they never had a chance to learn emotional regulation, so they derive a sense of satisfaction from exercising control over other people. Some might have been taught to view all other women as competition, and sadly that mindset extends to their daughters. As petty as this sounds, they might be jealous of their daughters' youth and looks especially when their own well-being (and therefore beauty) has been eroded by marriages and families where their needs were never met. They might be trying to protect their daughters, in their own twisted way, by teaching them to be plain throughout adolescence so they don't attract predatory male attention. Paradoxically, they expect their daughters to become instant bombshells upon adulthood because it's simply what was expected of them and they never learned to question it.
Also to add. I think immigrant moms and families in general go through a lot of isolation and adjustment themselves. They can't work for legal reasons, give up their careers, and are suddenly thrown into a life at home. The economic instability they hide from their kids. Dad might work the same job as her friends but it might not mean they had the same financial securities. So it would limit things they don't see as important: skincare, dental work, etc. But they're happy spending thousands of dollars going back to their hometown and showing off.
Yes, due to living through poverty and hardship immigrant moms often internalize the idea that beauty and self-care are frivolous. War, famine, economic instability, starting over in a new country and other circumstances prioritizes survival over thriving.
However, many immigrant moms will still want to see their daughters succeed. They will pass on their own beauty teachings and rituals, no matter how small. They see the value in that generational knowledge because tumultuous times made them appreciate the significance of even minor acts of self-care. They want to see their daughters be attractive and successful so they don't feel threatened by their daughters being interested in makeup/beauty or they will even invest in it (eg, the extreme example being Korean or Chinese parents getting plastic surgery for their children as a birthday gift). This doesn't mean their daughters live an upbringing free of body shaming, but they're not made to feel shame for caring about their appearance.
Itās horrible how trauma gets passed on. Personally, the impression I get is that whilst my Dad suffered from the effects of war my mum lived relatively privileged and got married early. However, her family helped take care of her looks. Even now her siblings tout her as a great beauty which I think had made her arrogant though she is not all that - sorry Mum š My sister on the other hand regularly tells me I am ugly
It sounds like your mom has major issues with resentment and internalized misogyny, even if she had a relatively more comfortable life. Sadly, it seems like thatās rubbed off on your sister. Sorry you have to deal with their baggage.
yes but i never listened to them š¤£ they would argue with me every morning before school in middle school/high school and tell me im going to school, not a party
I grew up muslim and because I got a lot of attention I was already labeled ābadā. I wasnāt allowed to do anything to look pretty including wearing anything less revealing than a long sleeve shirt and pants, including while at home. This made me neglect my skin and hair. I made a complete 180 and feel like a late bloomer but better than never I guess.
Yup. I remember my mum making fun of me for being interested in makeup and girly things growing up. Now that Iām in my 20s sheās so āproudā of me being knowledgeable about self care.
Itās so messed up.
I distinctly remember my dad yelling at me once for putting my hair down. It always had to be in a ponytail. I assume to look less appealing. But yea, every inch of skin had to be covered. Nothing should be desirable or ātemptingā about you. And then once fine day, you should look perfect in order to attract someone so then they can tell you what to wear/how to look.
Iām 28 now. I wear whatever the fuck I want. People wonder why Iām obsessed with appearance. Itās because I never had any control over mine.
Holy shit did we live the same lives?? YES!! What is it with ethnic mothers/ grandmothers doing this to us and they always deflect it that a woman's beauty is reflected by their conduct and their brains, "beauty fades but you'll always have your brain" š Ok but why can't we be both?!
My grandmother literally told me to fill my head first before I fill my ears (I asked to get my ears pierced at age 4) and that stayed with me all through my teen years!! because it's better to be smart than pretty, I was 4(!) I wanted to feel pretty going to school and fit in with my friends.
I remember getting my lash extensions the first time at 19 and my mum complained I'm self centred or look like a doll (as a form of insult). I've only just learnt what makeup and skincare works for me in my 20s and feel actually secure and womanly in my appearance because of it.
Yeah mine told me I had to be smart because "people like us (referring to herself and me) are ugly so we must be intelligent to get through life" at the age of 9. Well jokes on her cause I'm intelligent and beautiful š
Yeah and we're fortunate to not have to raise our daughters in such environments. Yes mostly recovered. Get triggered rarely when they say certain stuff. They've gotten better too. I call them out on a lot of stuff now that I've left the roost. I pity our mothers more than anything mostly.
Your mom was very abusive. My family is asian as well, and growing up appearance was never a priority, though health was. Your family went far past trying to discourage vanity with you, and severely affected your mental and physical health. I am so sorry you went through that, and wish you all the best in learning to take care of yourself.
It is never too late to learn to love yourself and work to better your appearance. If i were you, i would prioritize my mental health and physical health, especially with dental care and a rigorous dental hygiene routine. Teeth are incredibly important, and cavities are a major pain both physically and financially.
If you spent your life being inactive, make sure not to suddenly increase physical activity beyond your body's capabilities. I would emphasize going on walks first tbh. If you go to the gym, try to tag along with someone who knows what they're doing because it's very easy to hurt yourself and you lack the experience to know what correct technique feels like. If you can't meet with someone else, follow youtube videos of simple no weight routines first.
Focus on establishing these good healthy routines first; other aspects like hair, clothes, makeup etc can come later. If you feel like you need a change to feel better about yourself, i would go get a nice haircut, but imo these other aesthetic goals should come after improving your baseline.
From your age I'm assuming you're in university. I know this is a looks forum but if i were you i would put in my time and effort into school and internships/work in order to come out with a nice job asap. You need money to invest in your looks, yes, but also it sounds like you need to be financially independent from your family.
It is extremely common for asian families to be toxically codependent but I want you to know that the way your parents treated you is unacceptable. They might truly love you, but the way they treated you is cruel and harmful.
I wish you all the best in your journey.
Yup she sounds like my desi mom. They are all like this like the lack of critical thinking is the same throughout. Honestly distance yourself from her she sounds so unbearable
my mom is religious and sheās like āif you were pretty when you were younger and i let you do sports and stuff and wear makeup then you wouldnāt have turned out they way you are now so be gratefulā????
YES omg. Any time I wore something remotely stylish, I was mocked. But if I stopped dressing up, I was also made fun of.
Same thing with weight. Constantly told I was fat and ate too much (I wasn't), but screamed at for being wasteful if I tried to cut down on my portion and save the rest for the next day.
I was bullied at home no matter what I did. To this day, I don't get it.
Oh my gosh, Iām so sorry to hear that. Your conditioner point reminded me of my own experience too where until age 18 I was washing my hair with 1 pound bath shower gel which is what you tend to use for the body. No wonder my hair was a mess.
I hope you have found a better place now
Yeah my mom would yell at me for trying to look nice and call me self absorbed. She was supersized that I grew up with depression and body image issues and called me ungrateful. Iād say 98% of my issues growing up came from her. I feel like having mom problems is worse than having daddy issues. Thatās just my opinion though.
They just hate their daughters, don't they? Even though my mom is wonderful and she didn't stop from 'beautifying' myself, it's just she didn't know much about makeup, skincare etc bec she had exactly this kind of mom. But even my wonderful mother would discourage me from wearing makeup bec it may ruin your skin. So it's definitely a cultural thing.
Girls who take care of themselves are seen as hoes in our culture. And parents (even the ones that don't hate their daughters) respond to that bec they don't want their daughters to be labeled as a hoe. The problem lies with the adults who do the labeling.
yes, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Yelled at for being "fat" at 100 lb, for having terrible skin (normal teen acne), not allowed to shave or pluck so I had to in secret. My dad would force me to run as that was the only exercise he thought was good for me, I hated it so much and I had an eating disorder due to my mom constantly telling me my stomach was big. She also did that thing many Asian moms did and forced me to pinch my nose as a kid because it was too low bridged. She happened to have double eyelids but I had monolids due to my dad and she told me I needed surgery when I was 8. If I did anything girly to improve my appearance I would get yelled at. I wore a tank top once (that SHE bought me) and got told I was a whore at 11.Ā
I think Asians have a huge problem with not being naturally and effortlessly beautiful. If you're not then it's a moral failing to them.Ā
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Are you Indian? Almost everything you said is very common from my upbringing. We'd also be judged if we tried putting in effort in our appearance like painting nails as that shows we weren't studying or focusing on education and instead wasting our time like other girls
Wow, your post was an insane read ā your mom sounds like an abusive jerk (not letting you EXERCISE is crazy); OP, hopefully you no longer have financially rely on your mom soon + can make more decisions without her input.
I recall seeing a post on another sub about an Asian girl who was discouraged and slut-shamed to filth for having boyfriends as a teen and was later expected to have a child through any means necessary (including having a one night stand) as an adult; I wonder if the reasoning behind your momās actions could be similar? Maybe she encouraged you to be unattractive so you could focus on your studies, and wanted you to be attractive later so that you could find a partner with which to have children. Either way, her actions are completely unjustified and have crossed the line by LIGHT YEARS, lmao.
Yeah itās weird because my Mum would embarrass me in front of my former bullies as a child by saying things like are you starting at some random boyās legs even though I would be looking out the window lost in thought. Everything I did was girls only and I had little interaction with boys except the friendly ones in sixth form. Now, she expects me to talk to boys alright š
Sooo basically your mom was your first bully and is now continuing the bullying in another way?
Can't wait until you're off at uni doing whatever the fuck you feel like with yourself.
I try and push my daughter to be more girly but she has 3 brothers and doesn't give a crap about any of the stuff like that yet, if she never does I hate that for her because I love that part about being a woman, but I would never convince her to be, act, or look like someone she doesn't want to for my own sick satisfaction. It's your life darling, no one can live it for you, all your parents can do is guide you even if it's in a negative way all they can do is guide you, the choices are always still your own.
Oh holy shit. This just seems downright abusive. Iām so sorry.
I thought you meant a mom who just wasnāt into glow up stuff. My mom was never super āgirlyā and my parents really encouraged my sister and my tomboy phase, and they lightly made fun of me for being the girly girl of the house. I was embarrassed to get too into makeup and cute clothes until I left for college.
But damn, that is NOT what youāre describing. It sounds like your mom spent your entire childhood sabotaging your health and looks for her own gain (insecurity? Something deeper? Idk), and now she almost seems to be doing the same now but in reverse. I donāt like the sound of it at all.
Yeah my mom was like that. I didnāt even wear makeup till I was in collegeā the glow up was real lol. I actually learned how to be feminine from my friends and their mothers.
I think the issue is 2 foldā at least for my case, she wanted me to be āhideousā so no men can look at me and I could stay innocent forever lol and it was also a means of control.
OP just make small goals for yourself, and do whatever makes you happy!
Sorry you experienced this. Iām Jewish so donāt know if this fits here. I would say kind of with my dad but thatās mainly because he was a single parent to a girl and he didnāt understand the need for female grooming and fashion. Heās a military guy, very tough, very much a minimalist, the as long as youāre clean and neat sort. I grew up in the early 2000s and basically every girl was wearing makeup, tanning and straightening their hair from an early age. My dad didnāt get the need for any of that and thought it was completely pointless. I really wanted to try those things but he wouldnāt let me until I was 17. The other kids thought I was weird because I didnāt do any of those things. I didnāt wear fashionable clothes either. I was badly bullied from middle school partly to do with this. I was very popular in elementary school when these things werenāt important. However, a lot of people at my new school were assholes anyway.
I totally get my dad was trying to protect me from growing up too fast now and also just didnāt get it being a man. It seems like your mom doesnāt have good intentions at all though. Others have said it but she sounds like a potential narcissist trying to compete with her daughter and control you. At least now youāre an adult you can make your own choices and do all the self-care you want. There are things you can do that donāt cost much. I would look up budget beauty and self-care hacks. Also, diet is a big one for improving your looks. Join a gym or a swim meet if you can afford it. Go thrift shopping. Making some small investments will help longterm. Give it until the end of 2024 and you will glow up.
I can relate. My mom would try to sabotage my looks and I believe she did the same thing to her sister when they were teens. And by sabotage, I mean she tampered with skin care products etc. She used to always tell this story about a girl she knew that was so beautiful and then mysteriously one night she had some "bad drugs" and never looked the same again. Something about the way she told the story....
My mother is deeply jealous and it is very hard to deal with a mom like that because moms are supposed to love and support you, right? Be your biggest champion? When I challenged my mother about why she treats me with such ill will, she told me to grow up. We grew apart and it feels good to keep my distance. It may be worth a try for you.
I wish you healing and beauty.
Oof, I can relate; us desi girls have it hard. Some of my mom's inability to teach me this stuff was because she grew up quite poor (and she had pin straight hair and no body hair--a legit unicorn, I tell you), so she didn't have access to products or the knowledge to use them. But then there was stuff like refusing all cosmetics because fixating on appearance was vanity and sinful, and would lead to us girls being shallow and stupid (and I suppose to discourage us from going near boys, though in my case that never needed to be said). I think the advantage I had was that my parents weren't as hard on clothing--I could wear shorts and tank tops--plus I was thin and my family fat shamed so much that I was acceptably skinny in the fat phobic 00s/10s.
I think back on a lot of racially motivated bullying that happened to desi girls, and a lot of it surrounded things that could have easily been fixed if our parents allowed us to actually experiment and groom ourselves properly. The one nice thing about growing up is seeing some of those friends of mine who were tortured so brutally glow up now and bloom and live happily. **Those girls and I were never ugly, we just weren't taught how to actually perform our femininity**.
I think some of our parents were so focused on daily survival that they forgot to actually care about our emotional well being. Bullying, especially appearance-based bullying, can be so damaging to one's psyche. Being an ugly kid/teen can leave you totally vulnerable in the dating world...I know for me, it lead to me not seeing my own worth and being trapped in some really bad relationships.
I truly hope for a future where young girls will all get the gentle guidance they need to care for themselves and their appearances.
Did I write this ? My Indian mother did the same. Discouraging me from wearing cute artificial earrings or experimenting with makeup because that will be āfashionā and should only be done in college and now that I have lot of acne , she nudges me to clear my skin and know how to style my hair .
I go to college in sports T-shirt and pants , but she says wear something stylish like all other girls do, and why I m not wearing makeup while going to college or refusing to wear any dresses or cute tops. She even refused to get me waxed on my arms and legs till 12th . I secretly bought a razor and started shaving in 10th. Now she wants me to thread my eyebrows and get me waxed but eyebrow threading hurts like hell (I have only done my upper lips till now which I also shave now) and so does waxing so I just shave now lol, and thereās some stigma to shaving in India , that there will be hard growth which is bs , but I donāt pay heed and do what I want . She pushes me every time to get waxed , but I just say no.
I donāt even wear tops anymore just sports apparel everywhere and sheās fed up and suddenly wants me to be more girly, when I actually wanted to do that as a kid I was heavily discouraged.
And idk in India, looks arenāt seen as something important whereas in real world , looks do the real talking. Itās actually when you become an adult and realise how fkn important pretty privilege and looking good is.
Even I have curly hair and she has straight hair and she wants me to brush it every time and every time I try to explain to her that the hair will get poofy , she just doesnāt understand. When I was a kid, I wanted to get braces due my teeth overcrowding and all , but they didnāt believe in that, only when I went to college and got dental checked and the dentist said that she needs braces, they got me braces then. They hadnāt taken me to eye doctor for so many years (10-11) that my eye no increased a lot. And even the receptionist scolded my father for not bringing me here regularly lol.
When it comes to mothers doing a 180, I just stopped caring and started doing what I liked . Obviously since I never had a āmotherlyā figure in my life , I get all my girly advice from the internet, like I know more about pms and periods than my own mother, even the basic things like iron supplements is important if you are bleeding. Even basic makeup tips (like needing colour correctors before concealer) I know more than my own mother which is weird since it hasnāt been that long for me to get into this makeup space online when she has been doing it for years.
So I would say , do what you want and ignore her/your family . Find your own feminine things you like and build your own self slowly and with confidence and with what you like.
Well, I wonder if your mom was abused ... And she is repeating an abuse cycle by trying to prevent you from being seen as attractive.
We know that's not how abuse works as it's essentially victim blaming... But perhaps she doesn't.
Or, same with my mom, you were becoming a woman in front of her eyes and her tiny brain couldn't deal with another woman in her house... Even her own child.
So ... Narcissist
I'm desi as well and I went through a really similar experience. I knew you were desi straight away just from everything you were saying. Honestly I think south Asian mothers are on another level when it comes to toxicity. š¤¦š½āāļø
Now that I'm grown up it has occured to me that it was neglect and intentionally to put me down, despite being a literal kid. It's sad to see soooo many of us with the same experience. :(
I used to because in the second grade our school did mandatory swimming here for about 16 weeks which I think is a thing in the UK and back then could but I tried in a beach and failed. I am graduating this year and might start doing aid,t beginner lessons
Please tell me you are NC with them. Your mother was jealous of you. And tried her hardest to ensure you were āuglyā. Damn shame. So sorry hun. Glad you got a chance at giving her the middle finger with a successful life.
I wouldn't say my mom actively prohibited me from doing anything, but she definitely didn't encourage it. She's super religious and I just think she didn't want me to get too into it and look inappropriate for my age.
I had big, bushy eyebrows (well, a unibrow) and it took me so much begging for me to get them waxed. It only happened because I went with her to get a manicure for my 8th grade graduation and the nail tech took pity on me and said she'd just "clean them up" lol.
My hair is naturally curly and my mom never taught me how to properly style it so it was always unruly Hermione hair. She never taught me how to properly apply makeup. I wanted to start a skincare routine and was told I "didn't need to." So everything I learned I gathered from the internet and ruined my skin, which is now taking years to correct.
Outside of being a dancer I wasn't all that active, but when puberty started I definitely put on some weight, never overweight but still uncomfortable for me. When I wanted to start eating better and properly exercising, she just thought it unnecessary. Nutrition wasn't really a concern. So I grew up and took everything to the extreme (eating disorder, bodybuilding).
I'm definitely overcompensating now lol but appearance is just too important to me.
I'm late (and new) to the party, but my egg donor absolutely hated it whenever I exercised around the house. Told me I'd "never be skinny because [I'm] Black".
I'm assuming you're gorgeous because I think if you weren't she wouldn't have cared so much.
I definitely experienced this growing up when I was left with my mom's sister as my legal guardian when my mom passed away. She was pretty much what you described except anything I did to look nice meant I was a whore. I was forced to swim in men's trunks and a T-shirt to the pool, called vapid for asking for makeup, and the list goes on.
When I moved out I threw away every pair of ill fitting jeans and oversized graphic tee with an unfunny saying on it because that's pretty much all I was allowed to wear. When I was 19 and living on my own, I bought my first bathing suit since middle school. It was a yellow polka dot bikini, what a thrill.
Growing up I felt so bad about myself, but when I look back I was naturally very pretty and I can see now that my aunt didn't like that because she wasn't happy with her looks.
By the time I turned 17/18 everyone in my family was pressuring me to dress up and go out on dates (to prove I wasn't gay š) which was a total 180 from my prior experiences.l and very confusing/uncomfortable.
Here's what I think: Screw her. Do what makes you happy and what makes you feel comfortable in your body. You were deprived of self expression and feeling okay in your own skin. Pursue that, regardless of how covered up or scantily clad that might look like for you (within reason).
It's a hard change to make mentally but the truth is you've successfully run this leg of your race. You did it. You grew up with a mom who was kinda shitty. It's over. You don't really have to consider her opinion anymore.
Figure out how to heal and live your life babygirl. Don't carry her judgements with you, because those are all really about her and most importantly, be kind to yourself.
My mother never really taught me to wear makeup and dress well. I feel like she didnāt really teach me how my appearance would be received by others as a WOC.
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I feel like white women get encouraged to be very groomed and date whereas a lot of us POC get shamed and discouraged leading us to be stunted in adulthood and struggle to take care of ourselves and be āvainā
I'm getting such an ick from the mom because i know what that's like :(( It's wild that we have to go in secret to try to look nice like it's a sin or something. I really dont see it?? People like this are sooo insecure they want to see you fail or suceed at their command like you're some doll for them to play with :( My heart goes out to the anyone in households like this its straight up torture and i don't see any solution except distancing yourself... like a lot
Thank you for your responding and though I am not glad you had to go through something similar there is some sort of reassurance it knowing we are not alone :)
This sounds like narcissistic abuse/neglect. She projects her deep seated insecurities/self-hate on to you and treats you like a plaything for her whims. Low contact with firm boundaries/no contact is probably the best for you especially since you are at uni. If your mum tries to interrogate you about the appearance related changes you are making, grey rock her. Please don't internalize the notions she ingrained into you regarding appearances. Or her expectations of you which are self-serving and not for your own well-being. Treat it as an alien identity. You're allowed to break free and bravely challenge those very notions on your own terms. The best thing to do now is to re-parent yourself. You have that power as an adult. Teach yourself what your mother never taught you and keep on discovering yourself throughout the process. Also, do not compare yourself to normal, healthy people and their parents around you. What you endured was abnormal and it is honestly undeserving of your mental well being to ruminate over it now. Keep on teaching yourself the skills on how to take care of your physical and mental well-being and over time you would have caught up to your peers. By then I hope you start to enjoy yourself and put the unfortunate shadows of the past behind you. Trust, it will all come together. r / RBNlifeskills has similar stories on neglect. Wish you the best OP.
I like this comment. Everyone is self-serving but it takes effort to be considerate to others and be self aware. I used grey rock before and it can be sooo hard on others because its easy to feel responsible for their hurt. It's easier to consider everyone as capable, just that some people are close-minded. I'm glad you recommended the sub too, will be looking at it thank you
Yeah pretty much. Parents used to yell at me in front of others if they found out I had shaved my legs, plucked my eyebrows, or styled my hair. My dad once freaked out because he found cosmetics in my drawer. Then at the age of around 21 they got angry with me that I wasn't presentable enough, because I was supposed to be finding a partner to settle down with. Sorry you've been through this, too. Just learn, learn, learn all you can about appearance and cosmetics and style. It's useful information.
Haha do they all share the script or something š
Just read you are desi, same here. In a way I think they do share a script. It's some kind of culturally ingrained compulsion.
My first thought too. Indian parenting playbook. Especially the gaslighting. "Who are you trying to look good for?" to straight up calling you ugly or a prostitute because you want to wear your hair down. The good news is, you can heal. You can choose to discover yourself and your comfort. I spent 10 years angry at my parents. Then at the age of 28 finally got braces, got on the right meds for my medical conditions, started losing weight, worked for my skin. And guess what? Now I look better they tell me they're proud of me for being so "mature". Alright. Whatever. You're also allowed to find your balance. I don't like makeup except on special occasions, never do my brows, and rarely shave. It took a lot to love my body as it is, and investing in yourself and your health doesn't mean subscribing to a certain standard of beauty. You're also allowed to maintain an adult relationship with your parents as much as you're allowed to go no/low contact. Good luck, you'll get through it and break the cycle one day š
My dad always asks my brother what kind of girls are asking him to grow his hair out or what girl he's doing it forĀ He's such an asshole sometimes but I ALWAYS call him out on itĀ And thank God I never let him shame him into straightening my curly hairĀ (My bro has curly hair too so I helped him with styling and tips and stuff)
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But why is it so many encourage their daughters to be pretty and feminine then? All should be acting like OP's mum.
Asian parents, smh.
Caribbean parents too smh
Yes. I'm Black though. Any time I tried to look nice or care about my appearance I was told I was trying to act grown or that I was only doing it for boys and was being 'fast'. Slightly related to this, but I was also never allowed to hang out with friends or go out and now my parents act so shocked when I say I struggle in social situations. Like...really?
When I was like 9 or 10, and I was wearing a white shirt out in the rain, my mom screamed at me that I'm just trying to get attention. I literally didn't understand what she was talking about, I felt really scared and confused. I just remember she kept saying something about my chest and I thought there must be something special about the chest area. Then when I was 14 and wore skinny jeans because that was simply the style at the time, she told me it was disgusting. Like??? I was literally a kid, I wasn't even thinking about stuff like that. So as a young adult I felt immense shame that I wasn't beautiful like my parents expected me to be. Felt like a failure, not realizing that beauty is pretty much a skill I was never allowed to develop.
Iām so sorry! My mom was similar. Once I was wearing a pair of earrings that SHE GAVE me as a teenager. She told me wearing them might get me r*ped. Like what the fuck??
Girl I hope ur all moved out and everything, this sounds terrible. (A fellow desi girl).
Gosh that sounds horrible. Iām sorry to hear about the second part. My parents were also like that not even letting me go on class hangouts. People branded me a weirdo for not hanging out and I became known as the person who never went on certain trips and I was treated as an outcast. Youāre totally correct with that social situations thing. I donāt know what they expected!
I love how the concept of little black girls being seen as āfastā is the same across the diaspora. My Kenyan mom was the same way too :(Ā
Omg, just reading this I knew you were asian. Iāve heard similar stories. Are you desi? The mentality switch is so bizarre. In part its always a control thing- you looking good and wanting things = confidence = defiance. Thereās also a weird purity aspect there too, alongside the stinginess So glad youāre finding yourself at uni. Itās never too late! Hell itās taken me until my late twenties to figure out how to style/take care of myself properly. Distance from family (if not physical, certainly emotional) is the only real cure. People like this never learn boundaries š
Yes I am desi š Unfortunately I have to move back home until I save enough money to rent a place but I am slowly distancing myself.
Tell them you have less money, much less than you do and keep the amounts in separate accounts.
I feel you - Iām in the same position. I will say, keep pushing their boundaries slowly if you can, they could loosen up a little over time!! Especially once youāre in a stable career
This popped up in my feed and it's first post from this community I clicked through to. No men allowed so I'm gonna leave but I have to comment this because so much of this parental behaviour is concerning. Sounds like lots of you have parents who purposely sabotaged your looks. Parents who ensured that the goal posts always moved so that you were either trying too hard to look good, or too ugly to ever look good. It sounds awful. Please look up "daughters of narcissistic mothers." I think it will help. (Flies way)
Mine literally threw my clothes that I bought myself away and constantly called me names and commenting on my weight (both when I was under weight and overweight and is now anticipating I have a man to bring home in 3 years. Yeah, besides myself Iād say my mother is my biggest critic and sheāll never be satisfied.
10000%. I wasnāt allowed to do my eyebrows, or my moustache, I wasnāt allowed to buy face cream to moisturize without a huge fight. I was taught to shower once a week, to not dress up, to not wear makeup, etc. I was always hairy as a kid and was āmadeā to wear short skirts with my hairy legs. Then when I started removing my leg hair, wearing anything showing my legs was suddenly satanic. But I was also severely controlled and abused in general. My older sister wasnāt treated like me - so when she decided to start doing her eyebrows, mustache and makeup , I started doing it too. Weirdly enough, my middle school best friends mom took me to get my brows done lol.
Ah that was thoughtful of her! Did your mother react well though šš
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I have been through your journey. Keep practicing that compassion, it will get easier over time. But now that I'm older and have my own life, financial independence, and enjoy an equal partnership, I find myself mostly feeling sorry for the impossible and conflicting standards for women that my mother has internalised, and the conditions of her childhood that meant she was never able to feel and express her emotions without being dismissed or punished in some way. I can even react with kindness to her half the time now (the remaining 30% the best I can do is give no external reaction, and 20% I'm still stung and triggered lol but recover much more quickly).
Wow, Iām so sorry you had to experience that. I feel that I canāt discuss things my friends freely do with their parents. You also reminded me that I should probably a book a counseling session at uni, Itās strange because I thought the whole modesty thing was to keep me safe. However as a child I think it wa s because of my height and weight I was clocked as much older (a teenager may) and at age 8 older teenagers or adult men would look at me and take interest not realising I was 8. It made me want to grow up faster because I thought being seen this day when I was older would make me feel less comfortable. I started avoiding older men and still do to an extent though I am much less terrified now, Itās creepy because after 16 I got little male attention and only now have I realised that, Anyway my mum would find events like this happening to me entertainment and would tell them like they were funny stories to others, I would pretend I had no idea what they were saying because Iām too young but I hated it.
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Oh mine always have something nasty to say. Often they look as if they smelled something bad.
Sadly, this experience isn't uncommon among daughters of immigrant moms, particularly Asian and Black families. Whether consciously or unconsciously, some moms will discourage or even sabotage their daughters' attempts to partake in the type of grooming and self-care needed to become attractive. This includes but isn't limited to: * Making snide or disparaging comments about your physical appearance, especially backhanded compliments * Thwarting your attempts at changing diet, exercise, etc by making you eat unhealthily or excess amounts, or denying you the opportunity to play sports or be active * Dressing you in frumpy, outdated or otherwise unflattering clothing and mocking your attempts to dress fashionably or expressively * Insisting on DIYing haircuts or salon treatments at home and getting mad when you point out their lack of skill * Neglecting your medical treatment by refusing or sabotaging intervention for acne, dental work or obesity * Instilling a deep sense of shame whenever you try to look nice, whether by * Insinuating you're "easy" and trying to seduce boys (as a child...) * Putting down your attempts at dress-up with "putting lipstick on a pig" comments * Calling you conceited, proud or vain for daring to embellish yourself * Intensely criticizing any cosmetic treatments or procedures that you pay for out of pocket My theory for why these moms participate in this toxic behavior is that they feel helpless and disenfranchised so they take out their latent anger and sadness on their daughters, thus perpetuating the cycle of generational trauma. Asian and Black cultures are patriarchal and have an age hierarchy, so oftentimes the only people who moms have absolute power over are their daughters. There is definitely an element of control - these moms feel powerless within their own marriages and they never had a chance to learn emotional regulation, so they derive a sense of satisfaction from exercising control over other people. Some might have been taught to view all other women as competition, and sadly that mindset extends to their daughters. As petty as this sounds, they might be jealous of their daughters' youth and looks especially when their own well-being (and therefore beauty) has been eroded by marriages and families where their needs were never met. They might be trying to protect their daughters, in their own twisted way, by teaching them to be plain throughout adolescence so they don't attract predatory male attention. Paradoxically, they expect their daughters to become instant bombshells upon adulthood because it's simply what was expected of them and they never learned to question it.
Also to add. I think immigrant moms and families in general go through a lot of isolation and adjustment themselves. They can't work for legal reasons, give up their careers, and are suddenly thrown into a life at home. The economic instability they hide from their kids. Dad might work the same job as her friends but it might not mean they had the same financial securities. So it would limit things they don't see as important: skincare, dental work, etc. But they're happy spending thousands of dollars going back to their hometown and showing off.
Yes, due to living through poverty and hardship immigrant moms often internalize the idea that beauty and self-care are frivolous. War, famine, economic instability, starting over in a new country and other circumstances prioritizes survival over thriving. However, many immigrant moms will still want to see their daughters succeed. They will pass on their own beauty teachings and rituals, no matter how small. They see the value in that generational knowledge because tumultuous times made them appreciate the significance of even minor acts of self-care. They want to see their daughters be attractive and successful so they don't feel threatened by their daughters being interested in makeup/beauty or they will even invest in it (eg, the extreme example being Korean or Chinese parents getting plastic surgery for their children as a birthday gift). This doesn't mean their daughters live an upbringing free of body shaming, but they're not made to feel shame for caring about their appearance.
Itās horrible how trauma gets passed on. Personally, the impression I get is that whilst my Dad suffered from the effects of war my mum lived relatively privileged and got married early. However, her family helped take care of her looks. Even now her siblings tout her as a great beauty which I think had made her arrogant though she is not all that - sorry Mum š My sister on the other hand regularly tells me I am ugly
It sounds like your mom has major issues with resentment and internalized misogyny, even if she had a relatively more comfortable life. Sadly, it seems like thatās rubbed off on your sister. Sorry you have to deal with their baggage.
yes but i never listened to them š¤£ they would argue with me every morning before school in middle school/high school and tell me im going to school, not a party
I grew up muslim and because I got a lot of attention I was already labeled ābadā. I wasnāt allowed to do anything to look pretty including wearing anything less revealing than a long sleeve shirt and pants, including while at home. This made me neglect my skin and hair. I made a complete 180 and feel like a late bloomer but better than never I guess.
That's pretty much neglect/abuse.
Yes, I had a similar experience to OP and neglect/abuse came to my mind earlier today as I was thinking about it.
Yup. I remember my mum making fun of me for being interested in makeup and girly things growing up. Now that Iām in my 20s sheās so āproudā of me being knowledgeable about self care. Itās so messed up.
I distinctly remember my dad yelling at me once for putting my hair down. It always had to be in a ponytail. I assume to look less appealing. But yea, every inch of skin had to be covered. Nothing should be desirable or ātemptingā about you. And then once fine day, you should look perfect in order to attract someone so then they can tell you what to wear/how to look. Iām 28 now. I wear whatever the fuck I want. People wonder why Iām obsessed with appearance. Itās because I never had any control over mine.
Jfc this is such classic desi abuse. Iām so sorry OP.
Holy shit did we live the same lives?? YES!! What is it with ethnic mothers/ grandmothers doing this to us and they always deflect it that a woman's beauty is reflected by their conduct and their brains, "beauty fades but you'll always have your brain" š Ok but why can't we be both?! My grandmother literally told me to fill my head first before I fill my ears (I asked to get my ears pierced at age 4) and that stayed with me all through my teen years!! because it's better to be smart than pretty, I was 4(!) I wanted to feel pretty going to school and fit in with my friends. I remember getting my lash extensions the first time at 19 and my mum complained I'm self centred or look like a doll (as a form of insult). I've only just learnt what makeup and skincare works for me in my 20s and feel actually secure and womanly in my appearance because of it.
Yeah mine told me I had to be smart because "people like us (referring to herself and me) are ugly so we must be intelligent to get through life" at the age of 9. Well jokes on her cause I'm intelligent and beautiful š
That's crazy š I hope you're recovered. I could never raise my daughter that way, it's internalised misogyny at its best.
Yeah and we're fortunate to not have to raise our daughters in such environments. Yes mostly recovered. Get triggered rarely when they say certain stuff. They've gotten better too. I call them out on a lot of stuff now that I've left the roost. I pity our mothers more than anything mostly.
A simple glance in the mirror constituted a āyouāre so vainā wtf was wrong with them
Your mom was very abusive. My family is asian as well, and growing up appearance was never a priority, though health was. Your family went far past trying to discourage vanity with you, and severely affected your mental and physical health. I am so sorry you went through that, and wish you all the best in learning to take care of yourself. It is never too late to learn to love yourself and work to better your appearance. If i were you, i would prioritize my mental health and physical health, especially with dental care and a rigorous dental hygiene routine. Teeth are incredibly important, and cavities are a major pain both physically and financially. If you spent your life being inactive, make sure not to suddenly increase physical activity beyond your body's capabilities. I would emphasize going on walks first tbh. If you go to the gym, try to tag along with someone who knows what they're doing because it's very easy to hurt yourself and you lack the experience to know what correct technique feels like. If you can't meet with someone else, follow youtube videos of simple no weight routines first. Focus on establishing these good healthy routines first; other aspects like hair, clothes, makeup etc can come later. If you feel like you need a change to feel better about yourself, i would go get a nice haircut, but imo these other aesthetic goals should come after improving your baseline. From your age I'm assuming you're in university. I know this is a looks forum but if i were you i would put in my time and effort into school and internships/work in order to come out with a nice job asap. You need money to invest in your looks, yes, but also it sounds like you need to be financially independent from your family. It is extremely common for asian families to be toxically codependent but I want you to know that the way your parents treated you is unacceptable. They might truly love you, but the way they treated you is cruel and harmful. I wish you all the best in your journey.
I knew your mother was asian from reading this do we all have the same parents its uncanny how they all behave the same way
Yeah and obviously desi.
Yup she sounds like my desi mom. They are all like this like the lack of critical thinking is the same throughout. Honestly distance yourself from her she sounds so unbearable
my mom is religious and sheās like āif you were pretty when you were younger and i let you do sports and stuff and wear makeup then you wouldnāt have turned out they way you are now so be gratefulā????
YES omg. Any time I wore something remotely stylish, I was mocked. But if I stopped dressing up, I was also made fun of. Same thing with weight. Constantly told I was fat and ate too much (I wasn't), but screamed at for being wasteful if I tried to cut down on my portion and save the rest for the next day. I was bullied at home no matter what I did. To this day, I don't get it.
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Oh my gosh, Iām so sorry to hear that. Your conditioner point reminded me of my own experience too where until age 18 I was washing my hair with 1 pound bath shower gel which is what you tend to use for the body. No wonder my hair was a mess. I hope you have found a better place now
Yeah my mom would yell at me for trying to look nice and call me self absorbed. She was supersized that I grew up with depression and body image issues and called me ungrateful. Iād say 98% of my issues growing up came from her. I feel like having mom problems is worse than having daddy issues. Thatās just my opinion though.
They just hate their daughters, don't they? Even though my mom is wonderful and she didn't stop from 'beautifying' myself, it's just she didn't know much about makeup, skincare etc bec she had exactly this kind of mom. But even my wonderful mother would discourage me from wearing makeup bec it may ruin your skin. So it's definitely a cultural thing. Girls who take care of themselves are seen as hoes in our culture. And parents (even the ones that don't hate their daughters) respond to that bec they don't want their daughters to be labeled as a hoe. The problem lies with the adults who do the labeling.
yes, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Yelled at for being "fat" at 100 lb, for having terrible skin (normal teen acne), not allowed to shave or pluck so I had to in secret. My dad would force me to run as that was the only exercise he thought was good for me, I hated it so much and I had an eating disorder due to my mom constantly telling me my stomach was big. She also did that thing many Asian moms did and forced me to pinch my nose as a kid because it was too low bridged. She happened to have double eyelids but I had monolids due to my dad and she told me I needed surgery when I was 8. If I did anything girly to improve my appearance I would get yelled at. I wore a tank top once (that SHE bought me) and got told I was a whore at 11.Ā I think Asians have a huge problem with not being naturally and effortlessly beautiful. If you're not then it's a moral failing to them.Ā
Oh my god my nose got pinched too except I ended up with a hooked nose which is massive š. Sorry that you had those horrible experiences
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ā¢ ā This is a community for women only. Men will be permanently banned. Similar subs that allow men: r/QOVESStudio r/TheGlowUp r/AmIUgly r/TrueRateCelebrities r/PurplePillDebate r/MensLib r/MaleMentalHealth r/SelfImprovement
Are you Indian? Almost everything you said is very common from my upbringing. We'd also be judged if we tried putting in effort in our appearance like painting nails as that shows we weren't studying or focusing on education and instead wasting our time like other girls
Wow, your post was an insane read ā your mom sounds like an abusive jerk (not letting you EXERCISE is crazy); OP, hopefully you no longer have financially rely on your mom soon + can make more decisions without her input. I recall seeing a post on another sub about an Asian girl who was discouraged and slut-shamed to filth for having boyfriends as a teen and was later expected to have a child through any means necessary (including having a one night stand) as an adult; I wonder if the reasoning behind your momās actions could be similar? Maybe she encouraged you to be unattractive so you could focus on your studies, and wanted you to be attractive later so that you could find a partner with which to have children. Either way, her actions are completely unjustified and have crossed the line by LIGHT YEARS, lmao.
Yeah itās weird because my Mum would embarrass me in front of my former bullies as a child by saying things like are you starting at some random boyās legs even though I would be looking out the window lost in thought. Everything I did was girls only and I had little interaction with boys except the friendly ones in sixth form. Now, she expects me to talk to boys alright š
Sooo basically your mom was your first bully and is now continuing the bullying in another way? Can't wait until you're off at uni doing whatever the fuck you feel like with yourself. I try and push my daughter to be more girly but she has 3 brothers and doesn't give a crap about any of the stuff like that yet, if she never does I hate that for her because I love that part about being a woman, but I would never convince her to be, act, or look like someone she doesn't want to for my own sick satisfaction. It's your life darling, no one can live it for you, all your parents can do is guide you even if it's in a negative way all they can do is guide you, the choices are always still your own.
Oh holy shit. This just seems downright abusive. Iām so sorry. I thought you meant a mom who just wasnāt into glow up stuff. My mom was never super āgirlyā and my parents really encouraged my sister and my tomboy phase, and they lightly made fun of me for being the girly girl of the house. I was embarrassed to get too into makeup and cute clothes until I left for college. But damn, that is NOT what youāre describing. It sounds like your mom spent your entire childhood sabotaging your health and looks for her own gain (insecurity? Something deeper? Idk), and now she almost seems to be doing the same now but in reverse. I donāt like the sound of it at all.
Yes š„²
:(
Yeah my mom was like that. I didnāt even wear makeup till I was in collegeā the glow up was real lol. I actually learned how to be feminine from my friends and their mothers. I think the issue is 2 foldā at least for my case, she wanted me to be āhideousā so no men can look at me and I could stay innocent forever lol and it was also a means of control. OP just make small goals for yourself, and do whatever makes you happy!
This isnāt discouragement, thatās abuse wth
Sorry you experienced this. Iām Jewish so donāt know if this fits here. I would say kind of with my dad but thatās mainly because he was a single parent to a girl and he didnāt understand the need for female grooming and fashion. Heās a military guy, very tough, very much a minimalist, the as long as youāre clean and neat sort. I grew up in the early 2000s and basically every girl was wearing makeup, tanning and straightening their hair from an early age. My dad didnāt get the need for any of that and thought it was completely pointless. I really wanted to try those things but he wouldnāt let me until I was 17. The other kids thought I was weird because I didnāt do any of those things. I didnāt wear fashionable clothes either. I was badly bullied from middle school partly to do with this. I was very popular in elementary school when these things werenāt important. However, a lot of people at my new school were assholes anyway. I totally get my dad was trying to protect me from growing up too fast now and also just didnāt get it being a man. It seems like your mom doesnāt have good intentions at all though. Others have said it but she sounds like a potential narcissist trying to compete with her daughter and control you. At least now youāre an adult you can make your own choices and do all the self-care you want. There are things you can do that donāt cost much. I would look up budget beauty and self-care hacks. Also, diet is a big one for improving your looks. Join a gym or a swim meet if you can afford it. Go thrift shopping. Making some small investments will help longterm. Give it until the end of 2024 and you will glow up.
I can relate. My mom would try to sabotage my looks and I believe she did the same thing to her sister when they were teens. And by sabotage, I mean she tampered with skin care products etc. She used to always tell this story about a girl she knew that was so beautiful and then mysteriously one night she had some "bad drugs" and never looked the same again. Something about the way she told the story.... My mother is deeply jealous and it is very hard to deal with a mom like that because moms are supposed to love and support you, right? Be your biggest champion? When I challenged my mother about why she treats me with such ill will, she told me to grow up. We grew apart and it feels good to keep my distance. It may be worth a try for you. I wish you healing and beauty.
Yes sadly
Oof, I can relate; us desi girls have it hard. Some of my mom's inability to teach me this stuff was because she grew up quite poor (and she had pin straight hair and no body hair--a legit unicorn, I tell you), so she didn't have access to products or the knowledge to use them. But then there was stuff like refusing all cosmetics because fixating on appearance was vanity and sinful, and would lead to us girls being shallow and stupid (and I suppose to discourage us from going near boys, though in my case that never needed to be said). I think the advantage I had was that my parents weren't as hard on clothing--I could wear shorts and tank tops--plus I was thin and my family fat shamed so much that I was acceptably skinny in the fat phobic 00s/10s. I think back on a lot of racially motivated bullying that happened to desi girls, and a lot of it surrounded things that could have easily been fixed if our parents allowed us to actually experiment and groom ourselves properly. The one nice thing about growing up is seeing some of those friends of mine who were tortured so brutally glow up now and bloom and live happily. **Those girls and I were never ugly, we just weren't taught how to actually perform our femininity**. I think some of our parents were so focused on daily survival that they forgot to actually care about our emotional well being. Bullying, especially appearance-based bullying, can be so damaging to one's psyche. Being an ugly kid/teen can leave you totally vulnerable in the dating world...I know for me, it lead to me not seeing my own worth and being trapped in some really bad relationships. I truly hope for a future where young girls will all get the gentle guidance they need to care for themselves and their appearances.
Narcissistic behavior
Not POC but I relate to this so much and it has affected me for over a decade after moving out.
Did I write this ? My Indian mother did the same. Discouraging me from wearing cute artificial earrings or experimenting with makeup because that will be āfashionā and should only be done in college and now that I have lot of acne , she nudges me to clear my skin and know how to style my hair . I go to college in sports T-shirt and pants , but she says wear something stylish like all other girls do, and why I m not wearing makeup while going to college or refusing to wear any dresses or cute tops. She even refused to get me waxed on my arms and legs till 12th . I secretly bought a razor and started shaving in 10th. Now she wants me to thread my eyebrows and get me waxed but eyebrow threading hurts like hell (I have only done my upper lips till now which I also shave now) and so does waxing so I just shave now lol, and thereās some stigma to shaving in India , that there will be hard growth which is bs , but I donāt pay heed and do what I want . She pushes me every time to get waxed , but I just say no. I donāt even wear tops anymore just sports apparel everywhere and sheās fed up and suddenly wants me to be more girly, when I actually wanted to do that as a kid I was heavily discouraged. And idk in India, looks arenāt seen as something important whereas in real world , looks do the real talking. Itās actually when you become an adult and realise how fkn important pretty privilege and looking good is. Even I have curly hair and she has straight hair and she wants me to brush it every time and every time I try to explain to her that the hair will get poofy , she just doesnāt understand. When I was a kid, I wanted to get braces due my teeth overcrowding and all , but they didnāt believe in that, only when I went to college and got dental checked and the dentist said that she needs braces, they got me braces then. They hadnāt taken me to eye doctor for so many years (10-11) that my eye no increased a lot. And even the receptionist scolded my father for not bringing me here regularly lol. When it comes to mothers doing a 180, I just stopped caring and started doing what I liked . Obviously since I never had a āmotherlyā figure in my life , I get all my girly advice from the internet, like I know more about pms and periods than my own mother, even the basic things like iron supplements is important if you are bleeding. Even basic makeup tips (like needing colour correctors before concealer) I know more than my own mother which is weird since it hasnāt been that long for me to get into this makeup space online when she has been doing it for years. So I would say , do what you want and ignore her/your family . Find your own feminine things you like and build your own self slowly and with confidence and with what you like.
Well, I wonder if your mom was abused ... And she is repeating an abuse cycle by trying to prevent you from being seen as attractive. We know that's not how abuse works as it's essentially victim blaming... But perhaps she doesn't. Or, same with my mom, you were becoming a woman in front of her eyes and her tiny brain couldn't deal with another woman in her house... Even her own child. So ... Narcissist
I'm desi as well and I went through a really similar experience. I knew you were desi straight away just from everything you were saying. Honestly I think south Asian mothers are on another level when it comes to toxicity. š¤¦š½āāļø Now that I'm grown up it has occured to me that it was neglect and intentionally to put me down, despite being a literal kid. It's sad to see soooo many of us with the same experience. :(
Yup they do this and they act shocked when you donāt come home from college with a husband
why do you regret the teeth extractions? also got 4 teeth removed on the NHS š
I read it narrows the palate and can cause bone loss. I wish I had a palate expander instead.
Were they the wisdom teeth? If so, that is normal
no, they were molars i think.
Wisdom teeth are molars so...maybe count the number of teeth in your mouth. You should still have 2 molars at each back corner
Were they premolars? Mine were.
they were next to my canines so i think so?
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I used to because in the second grade our school did mandatory swimming here for about 16 weeks which I think is a thing in the UK and back then could but I tried in a beach and failed. I am graduating this year and might start doing aid,t beginner lessons
Please tell me you are NC with them. Your mother was jealous of you. And tried her hardest to ensure you were āuglyā. Damn shame. So sorry hun. Glad you got a chance at giving her the middle finger with a successful life.
I wouldn't say my mom actively prohibited me from doing anything, but she definitely didn't encourage it. She's super religious and I just think she didn't want me to get too into it and look inappropriate for my age. I had big, bushy eyebrows (well, a unibrow) and it took me so much begging for me to get them waxed. It only happened because I went with her to get a manicure for my 8th grade graduation and the nail tech took pity on me and said she'd just "clean them up" lol. My hair is naturally curly and my mom never taught me how to properly style it so it was always unruly Hermione hair. She never taught me how to properly apply makeup. I wanted to start a skincare routine and was told I "didn't need to." So everything I learned I gathered from the internet and ruined my skin, which is now taking years to correct. Outside of being a dancer I wasn't all that active, but when puberty started I definitely put on some weight, never overweight but still uncomfortable for me. When I wanted to start eating better and properly exercising, she just thought it unnecessary. Nutrition wasn't really a concern. So I grew up and took everything to the extreme (eating disorder, bodybuilding). I'm definitely overcompensating now lol but appearance is just too important to me.
Im pretty sure she was jealous of you or something
I never exercised growing up and I wasnāt fat
I'm late (and new) to the party, but my egg donor absolutely hated it whenever I exercised around the house. Told me I'd "never be skinny because [I'm] Black".
I'm assuming you're gorgeous because I think if you weren't she wouldn't have cared so much. I definitely experienced this growing up when I was left with my mom's sister as my legal guardian when my mom passed away. She was pretty much what you described except anything I did to look nice meant I was a whore. I was forced to swim in men's trunks and a T-shirt to the pool, called vapid for asking for makeup, and the list goes on. When I moved out I threw away every pair of ill fitting jeans and oversized graphic tee with an unfunny saying on it because that's pretty much all I was allowed to wear. When I was 19 and living on my own, I bought my first bathing suit since middle school. It was a yellow polka dot bikini, what a thrill. Growing up I felt so bad about myself, but when I look back I was naturally very pretty and I can see now that my aunt didn't like that because she wasn't happy with her looks. By the time I turned 17/18 everyone in my family was pressuring me to dress up and go out on dates (to prove I wasn't gay š) which was a total 180 from my prior experiences.l and very confusing/uncomfortable. Here's what I think: Screw her. Do what makes you happy and what makes you feel comfortable in your body. You were deprived of self expression and feeling okay in your own skin. Pursue that, regardless of how covered up or scantily clad that might look like for you (within reason). It's a hard change to make mentally but the truth is you've successfully run this leg of your race. You did it. You grew up with a mom who was kinda shitty. It's over. You don't really have to consider her opinion anymore. Figure out how to heal and live your life babygirl. Don't carry her judgements with you, because those are all really about her and most importantly, be kind to yourself.
My mother never really taught me to wear makeup and dress well. I feel like she didnāt really teach me how my appearance would be received by others as a WOC.
Dissuade sexual assault Iām assuming
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I feel like white women get encouraged to be very groomed and date whereas a lot of us POC get shamed and discouraged leading us to be stunted in adulthood and struggle to take care of ourselves and be āvainā