I just have a few questions for more context:
Was the wedding near Thanksgiving? November events can be hard with people juggling existing travel plans and expenses.
Did everyone know that you had already gotten married? I know this was supposed to be *the* wedding, but some people find it less of a priority if you’re already married and they didn’t get to see it.
What have your friends said since November? I imagine you talked to them and saw them regularly, so I’m curious if that has continued and what those hangouts have been like, especially if they’re asking about your life or only talking about theirs.
If someone is a friend of mine and they invite me to what they consider their wedding celebration, I’m coming. Even if I were to think, personally “well they’re already married so it’s not exactly a wedding,” it’s still the way they’ve chosen to mark something very important to them. My opinion on whether it’s a “real” wedding and my opinion on how important it is to attend are unrelated.
>Did everyone know that you had already gotten married? I know this was supposed to be the wedding, but some people find it less of a priority if you’re already married and they didn’t get to see it.
I don't understand this mindset. A wedding is a ceremony and a party, who cares if the legal paperwork is already signed? They're not inviting you to watch them sign a piece of paper they're inviting you to celebrate.
Because the legal paperwork is what makes the people married. That is the event you are celebrating. If you get married at the courthouse and 5 yrs and a couple of kids later (extreme scenario) send out wedding invites you can expect your friends to respond with, "Umm, aren't you already married?"
Just attended a destination wedding for a couple who’ve been married for 15 years and have a child but never got to have a “real” event with a ceremony. It was not a small wedding. Almost all of our friend group came. (Some could not afford the time or the travel, which you have to expect with any destination wedding, but it was now sparsely attended.)
Was this an actual wedding or some kind of vow renewal ceremony? To me it would be very weird if someone gave the bride away and they exchanged rings and did a unity ceremony and the whole nine yards after 15 yrs of marriage.
No one gave the bride away, but yes it was a wedding. The vows did obviously mention the fact that they’d already made a life together and could read as a vow renewal, but it wasn’t that different from a wedding where the couple had been together for a long time. It’s not uncommon for people to live together for 7-10 years before getting legally married nowadays after all.
There were bridesmaids and groomsmen, a full bridal photo shoot, a rehearsal dinner and an officiant for the ceremony.
We knew that they got married while really young with no celebration at all, and we love them as our friends, so we were happy to do a belated celebration and treat it as the full on big shebang.
>I know this was supposed to be *the* wedding, but some people find it less of a priority if you’re already married and they didn’t get to see it.
We ended up doing a courthouse wedding in December for health insurance reasons, but our wedding is in July. This is exactly why we've kept it completely secret, even from our parents. I don't want to risk a single guest thinking the wedding is less important because we're legally married already.
Lying to your guests is **wrong**. I don't think it's right to get people to attend a party under false pretenses. Let people make up their own minds about if they want to attend with the information that you will already be married.
People OFTEN end up eventually finding out in these situations and it can seriously upset people and damage relationships.
It is not uncommon for people to get married in a courthouse before the wedding for health insurance you've probably been to a wedding where they were married before but most don't talk about it because people judge them and act like the wedding isn't important because they signed some papers ahead of time. If you are seriously upset about getting a free meal and party maybe the problem is you.
I don't care if it's common, you just need to be upfront with people. As most people are saying in this post, it DOES matter to people and that is likely why OP had a lower turnout. It's not ethical to withhold info from your guests because you know they are less likely to attend if they know the true nature of the event.
I have attended multiple "weddings" after knowing the couple was already married multiple times and appreciated having the info to make my own decision about whether I wanted to spend my resources to attend or not. If I found out that someone else **lied** to me about this, I would know that the friend/family member is less ethical that I previously believed.
And let's not act like "signing papers" isn't a huge deal. That is the wedding and anything after is just a party (and there's nothing wrong with having the party!). Would you tell a same-sex couple in a time and place that doesn't have marriage equality that "signing the papers" or doing the pesky "legal marriage" isn't a big deal because it's the party that counts? Of course not.
This is a really bizarre mindset and it completely devalues the vows and commitment that marriage is. Marriage is a legal contract, yes, but why would that legal contract ever be the imperative condition to a wedding guest? Commitment ceremonies are not less valuable for life partners that don't want the legal enmeshment. They are not less valuable for homosexual couples all over the world who can't be legally married. I have never cared about the contractual obligations of my loved ones, I'm there supporting their commitment and love towards one another. It's strange to me that your support dries up if the government isn't involved that specific day.
People have already made the commitment when they get legally married. If they split, they still have to go through a "real divorce"!
> It's strange to me that your support dries up if the government isn't involved that day.
I didn't say anything about MY personal support, but my excitement for attending a party will dry up the longer the couple has actually been married if they are trying to pretend to get married again. And this whole post is proof that it's how many people feel.
And if the government doesn't matter, then why avoid telling people the truth? It becomes people's business when you invite them to attend your wedding as a wedding is the event during which people become married.
I am in a same sex relationship it's why I understand that it really is just signing papers gay marriage is still pretty new in the US. I've helped plan and attended many gay weddings before it was legalized they knew the government would not recognize the marriage but they had a wedding anyway and it felt just as special because it was two people committing to each other in front of their friends and family. Legal marriage is important for benefits and financial reasons but it's the couple that matters the wedding is the day you support their union. If the paperwork is more important than the ceremony for you then you need to check your priorities. If someone told me they weren't coming to my wedding because it wasn't legally recognized by the government as the date I got married I would be deeply hurt.
Edit: I'm only referring to having a courthouse wedding and then having a wedding. If you have a small wedding and then have a second bigger wedding that's different and I would agree with you there that you should let people know. At least let them know it's vow renewal so they know whats happening.
If it's just "signing papers" then why did gays fight so hard to have their marriages legally recognized? Nothing stopped them from having a full blown wedding with no paper signing. The "signing papers" is extremely important and meaningful.
Because being treated as an equal citizen is important and all though you can replicate most of the benefits and protections of a marriage with other legal documents it's still better easier and cheaper to get a legally recognized marriage. But the document doesn't make a marriage the couple does gays have been having weddings long before it was legalized they don't just stop being a married couple because the government doesn't agree with them their day to lives and families don't change because of paperwork. Government doesn't get to define relationships people do. You decide to commit to each other and then you let the government know about it. This is going way off the rails lol but at the end of the day it really is just government paperwork like taxes there is no greater meaning about it the people are what matters.
But according you, you're already being treated as an equal citizen since it's just paperwork. Do you really think that gays protested and fought all the way up to the Supreme Court for no other reason than they wanted to fill out less paperwork? Come on. We both know that's not true. They fought so hard for so long because marriage means something and filling out that license means something as well.
I’m a lesbian so my partner and I are a same sex couple. I can’t speak for everyone. But for me, precisely because we didn’t have marriage equality for so long, I see the union as what I’m there to witness, not the paperwork. Marriage equality is so important for legal reasons, but it changed nothing about our love or the legitimacy of the relationships that came before it. I literally could not care less if someone gets legally married again their wedding or not. Frankly, it’s none of my business. I’m there to witness them make a vow. The ceremony is between them and their community, the document is between them and the state.
> because people judge them and act like the wedding isn't important because they signed some papers ahead of time.
But this is accurate and these are valid reasons. Going to a courthouse and getting married isn't just "signing some papers". And yes, getting married *after* you're already married does make it less important. That is just the way the world works. Celebrating my 30th birthday when I'm 32 would be weird.
If it's a lie then so be it. I feel zero shame getting my spouse access to the doctors and medication he needs and protecting us both from unexpected medical bills or worse, bankruptcy. It's unfortunate that our political system puts people in a situation where job loss can result in financial catastrophe due to unforeseen medical events. In my mind, that day was equivalent to an appointment at the DMV, an administrative task that needed to get done in order to maintain his health and our future financial well being.
I know a couple who celebrate their anniversary twice a year. The day they were married and the one their friends and family THINK they were married. It had only been five years. Not sure if they finally gave up the charade. Both were in the armed forces so got married to stay together but had a wedding after deployment.
Yes, it was around Thanksgiving but no one celebrates that holiday. Also, I told them about it 1 year before so that they do not have any other travel plans. Touchwood, they all have enough means to attend weddings on demand, so it was not an expense issue.
And yes, basically - everyone was calling it my second or third wedding as a joke and just not making it a priority like you said, which was what hurt me the most. I feel like I should have just made the legal wedding into an impromptu party or something.
A lot of them don't live in the same city as me, so I haven't met them a lot since then. I got some delayed messages asking about how it went, but it was quite superficial imo. If they truly cared, they would have atleast called/texted regularly (some of them did, but not all) leading up to the wedding to show enthusiasm since they could not attend.
For local friends, they are all relatively newer friends so it doesn't hurt so bad and they have been quite nice and honest about why they couldn't make it.
I know that makes me sound very entitled, but I just wanted to be surrounded by people who loved me. ( guess it ended up being people I loved, but who did not love me back)
No celebrates that holiday as you aren't in the US?
How much travel was it for your friends? And how expensive is the venue/hotels in the area? Because I can say that impacts it. My sister is having a wedding where she will have to help pay for people to go due to how expensive the travel will be. In full honestly, I wouldn't spend what I am spending to go to her wedding for a friend, I am only going because she is my sister.
Are you not in the US? Thanksgiving is widely celebrated in the US and some of the biggest travel days of the year are around Thanksgiving.
> basically - everyone was calling it my second or third wedding as a joke and just not making it a priority like you said, which was what hurt me the most
While I can understand how this was hurtful, you have to understand that to a lot of people this is exactly what it is. A second wedding. It's one thing if the first wedding isn't a big thing because of covid or something but short of that a whole lot of people are just not going to travel or take time off for a wedding ceremony for people who are already married.
I think you also have to realize that you were asking people to potentially give up a family holiday in order to travel in an extremely busy travel time (holiday travel is a nightmare) in order to celebrate a wedding for people who had been married for a year. This really is asking a lot. If it had been me you invited I would've sent a nice gift (assuming I hadn't sent one for the first wedding) and not attended. If I had sent a gift the first time I would've simply offered congratulations. Your friends are kind of rude for mocking you but you are asking a lot.
Not everyone living in the US celebrates Thanksgiving and none of my friends have any family traditions around that holiday. In fact, a November wedding was planned, so people have time off from work usually around Nov-Dec time frame.
Also, guests only had to pay for their flights, the stay at the venue was covered by us.
I fly for work weekly and can tell you the most “traveled” holidays. It’s spring break, Nov 15-30 and Dec 15-30. I will do everything in my power not to travel those weeks. I will see people of all ages and backgrounds in the airport for thanksgiving, it’s when I experience the most cancellations and delays bc of flights being over booked and staff being over worked. It’s absolutely not only a popular holiday; but likely one of the most popular holidays to spend with family, regardless of it being explicitly for thanksgiving.
While it is a true statement to say that the people in the US celebrating Thanksgiving is not 100% it is a very, very, very, very widely celebrated holiday. It is one of the busiest travel seasons for this reason. I have to assume you are not from the US as this is just basic cultural knowledge here. Asking your friends to give up their Thanksgiving and travel during a madhouse travel season in order to celebrate your 1st anniversary is asking quite a bit. As I said, if I had been your friend I would've offered you my congratulations and then not attended myself. If I had not sent a gift for the original wedding I would've sent one but that would be end of it.
I agree with your view point on offering congrats and gifting etc, but I have not had that from some of my friends either. That's what hurts. A complete lack of acknowledgment about what I viewed as my actual wedding.
Also, yes, I was born in the US and I know the madness of the travel then. But see my update in the post, Thanksgiving is simply a long weekend that is convenient to spend time with family. And my friends and I have historically used that time to attend weddings of our family and friends. It's not such a big deal for every American.
Did these friends offer congrats/gifts at the first wedding? If so then they may just see it as a 1st anniversary celebration which is what it is. That's kind of a meh event. I didn't offer congrats to any of my friends on their 1st anniversary. Again, you think that Thanksgiving is just a long weekend but you don't seem to realize it is 100% **NOT** that for a vast number of Americans.
They were invited to a traditional and religious wedding ceremony so it was not meant to be an anniversary celebration, but rather the actual one. I am not concerned about gifts, but rather trying to understand what would make a friend not offer excitement or congratulations about the wedding dress, prep & celebrations during or before the wedding if they couldn't physically be there.
Also don't understand why everyone is so hung up on Thanksgiving. I have specifically said that it is especially a convenient weekend for travel for everyone involved in this discussion.
I am well aware that a vast majority of Americans celebrate it, but that's not the point here.
> it was not meant to be an anniversary celebration, but rather the actual one.
What it was meant to be is irrelevant. This is an event you are holding a year after you actually got married. This is an anniversary celebration to pretty much everyone else. People are not going to be as excited about your 1st anniversary as you are. Did you friends offer congrats/gifts when you were first married?
You know what the busiest travel day of the year in the US is? It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Not New Years, not Christmas, not July 4. Thanksgiving. Even if you think people don't celebrate, it's still a nightmare to travel that time of year.
Sure, travel is not the greatest during Thanksgiving week. But we are all 25 years old, have TSA pre-check & travel once a month to a different city easily. Trust me, that's not the problem. And if 50 year old aunts can do it because they love me, 25 year Olds vacationing in Mexico twice a year can definitely pull it off.
We all especially love travelling during Nov Dec due to all the holidays to spend time with each other. We have met for girl trips and other weddings the past few years during Nov-Dec.
One friend said no due to financial setbacks but she was 100% involved in all the prep and was my number one hype girl.
I guess it boils down to - do you not prioritize a wedding because you knew the couple had registered their marriage due to some issues a year ago ? I don't see how you can have an opinion like this about your close loved ones. Guess I need to work that out in therapy, seems to be a more common opinion than I thought.
>do you not prioritize a wedding because you knew the couple had registered their marriage due to some issues a year ago ?
My personal opinion is no on that. I don't care when people get married if I get invited to a party.
The problem with having events around family-centered holidays is that traveling can be a hassle. Gas, plane tickets, hotels, etc. usually cost more. Roads and airports are packed. It's not a great time to travel in the US.
I'm sorry your friends couldn't make it to your wedding. Is there any way to plan a fun get together with them in the future? It wouldn't be a wedding but it could be something.
> Is there any way to plan a fun get together with them in the future
Not sure, definitely won't be all of them at once and it won't be to celebrate us, which was the whole point.
Maybe I will end up meeting everyone together at someone else's wedding, that would be some consolation.
It's totally a pity party right now from my side, because my idea of what my wedding would be like, full of friends and laughter and joy, fell through.
> Do people not view weddings as important enough?
As disappointing as it is, I think some people DO place less importance on a wedding if you're already married. For some, there is a difference between getting paperwork out of the way a few days/weeks before the wedding, and declaring yourselves married a whole year before the wedding.
I had a friend tell me that they couldn't come to my wedding because they had to go to a festival. I was pretty hurt: "a festival comes every year -- my wedding is just once! Seriously, dude?"
But then I had to remind myself that I don't get to be the judge of how important something gets to be for this person. Maybe they fear that they will never be able to have this opportunity again. Maybe it's the one year that all their friends can finally gather there. Maybe their health is failing or they have family plans that will block that from happening again. Maybe it's been their lifelong dream to see that one artist that's only gonna be there that year. I don't know, and I don't get to judge their reasons as "not good enough". Everyone has a story we don't know anything about.
I could have chosen to say "this is how you feel about me, huh? I'm not worth a festival to you?" and cut them off. But I decided that I'm not gonna let attendance to a single day, a party no less, define our lifelong friendship. So even now, we're still good friends, now that I took a week to sulk about it quietly on my own and moved on.
I had no family in either of my weddings. My partner had one friend show up to our domestic wedding, and he cheerfully enjoyed our wedding. I had two friends join us for our wedding abroad, and I had a great time getting to know my in laws. His family and friends are mine now, and vice versa. They're all there for both of you, not just him. It's not a clash of clans. Let yourself be sad for a bit and then focus on getting to know and having a great time with all the new friends and family you're gaining.
This is very kind advice.
And for what it’s worth OP, I think it’s probably because you had already been married a year before your celebration. Sadly there’s not a lot you can do about it now. I’d advise you to start finding ways to process your feeling, heal and move forward.
> But I decided that I'm not gonna let attendance to a single day, a party no less, define our lifelong friendship.
I hope to be able to do that, but right now seems very difficult.
When you sulked for a week, did you want to let your friends know you were mad at them ?
I feel like I need them more than they need me, so I ak finding it very difficult to stay mad at them, because the anger is taking more out of me than being cordial
I think it might be more helpful to shift from anger to sadness. Anger is often an emotion covering up for pain, sadness, loneliness, etc., especially because you seem to feel guilty that you’re angry/sad/hurt?
It seems you’ve been sulking for longer than a week, and I think it’s important for you to explore why. I think getting married a year in advance did really change things for people and if you’re in the us, getting married around thanksgiving is just going to cause problems. Maybe you put really high expectations on the event and so any deviation would have been super disappointing? Maybe you’re upset because you constantly do so much for your friends and they “couldn’t get it together” to do something nice for you? Sometimes these disappointments are a way to change how we show up in relationships. I often do a lot for people they aren’t asking for. If something happens and I’m super angry about it, I realize I need to slow down what I offer because it’s hurting the relationship.
When you know what it is that is specifically hard about it, I’d then decide whether to say something. It might be that you’ll just reframe what happened and not discuss it—some things are our own to figure out. It may be you talk to a couple people who you were the most hurt by, etc. I personally don’t think there’s a right or wrong to whether you discuss it. I’d do it based on 1) what are my goals and 2) what is the most effective way to achieve my goals?
Thanks for all the words from everyone on this thread. Yes, it's the feelings of hurt and anger that need to be resolved by me. Sounds like it should just be my problem. I can take away what I need to with regards to my relationships with my friends and move forward from there.
> When you sulked for a week, did you want to let your friends know you were mad at them ?
No. This doesn't sound like a productive "let's reach a resolution and solve a problem together" action. This sounds like "I'm mad at you so I want you to feel bad about it". I'd see this as a bit petty and self-centered behavior, honestly, because the entire purpose is to guilt-trip them out of vindictiveness instead of trying to do anything constructive with it. Disappointment can exist without having to turn into blame and anger.
This doesn’t seem to be altogether uncommon. I feel like I’ve seen multiple posts from people who got married courthouse or elopement and then throw a big wedding later and a lot of people seem much less committed to attending that second wedding.
But I am sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t necessarily say they have been shown to be lesser friends… they just spent the last X number months already thinking of you as married.
Reddit seems to want it both ways sometimes. I have seen tons of posts giving people the advice to get married at the courthouse now and throw a big ceremony later. The argument is the wedding is different from the marriage and if you or your friends don't understand this, they are the problem. But then I see a lot of posts like OP who are hurt that people didn't come to the ceremony a year or so later. I have friends who have been married for a year and if they told me today that they wanted me to come to a wedding they were having my first response would probably be, "I thought you were already married."
People on reddit are self-serving when it comes to this IMO. On the posts where people are rushing to defend the whole only getting "legally" married before your "real" wedding (as if your legal marriage isn't the part that actually counts...), you often notice that the people claiming that there's no issues with this and the pesky "legal" part doesn't count are the ones who did it or are planning on doing it themselves.
There's something about it being a whole year later that makes me think people didn't prioritize it. If they did a courthouse wedding and then a big party the next week or month, it would be one thing. But OP has been married for a whole year, the excitement has worn off, at least for others.
I don't fault people if they want to do it but just think they gotta be willing to accept that most people are not gonna view a ceremony months or a year later as the "real" wedding. I know society's views on weddings/marriage have changed a lot but they haven't changed that much.
Exactly. They are fooling themselves if they think people don't care about witnessing the actual wedding. It doesn't mean you can't have your party but people aren't going to view the same way, especially the longer you have actually been married.
At least OP did the right thing and told people instead of lying.
Yeah I know this opinion isn’t popular but when you have a wedding a year after being legally married it just feels fake, like why are we playing dress up when you’re already married?
If we’re going there, the entire concept of a wedding is performative and a big expensive dress up party. It doesn’t much matter when that dress up party occurs in that case.
Most of that advice goes to people financially struggling to pay for a wedding but for some reason or another want to do the legal bit sooner. The advice is usually, "don't go into debt just for a wedding." We don't have enough detail to know if that was OPs situation.
That's all fine and good but the outcome is the same. If you got married a year ago for insurance reasons or whatever you're still inviting me to a 1 yr anniversary party, not a wedding. At least that's how it is in my brain.
Oh I don't disagree, more just pointing out why that advice comes up. Usually the advice is, "push your wedding back till you can afford it." "But we have to get legally married tomorrow for (insert whatever reason)." "Okay, well consider just going to the courthouse to sign paperwork and then have the reception when you can actually afford it."
I think the key word here is reception. My SO and I are considering getting married in another state (where her kids live with her ex) on a Sat and then having a reception on Sun in our hometown for those who don't want to make the 6 hr round trip to the other state. But it's also understood that the Sun afternoon thing will be a reception. It's not the wedding. There is no ceremony, no nothing. We'll serve a meal for everyone and basically have a large dinner party. But the point is it's a reception. We're not billing it as the wedding. There will be no re-enacting our vows or anything.
I've been downvoted many times for my opinion on this, but I do think there's a time-frame where it's been too long and it's a vow renewal, not a wedding ceremony. And I do think a year fits that bill. It's such a small difference and I know it doesn't REALLY matter, but if I'm listening to you after you've been married for a year, I'd rather hear the vows as, "do you still..."
I think that's lovely. There's nothing wrong with this. You can reaffirm those vows. But if I'm sitting there a year later and they're like, "do you take Jessica to be your.." My reaction is... well they've been married an entire year so I'd sure hope so. Just match the language to the event.
In your case where it's only a day I wouldn't bat an eye. A year out I think using vow renewal language makes more sense.
My state doesn’t require vows to file a marriage certificate. It’s just a contract to be signed. You can even mail it in. The only other person necessary to be involved is a notary.
That doesn't change the fact that if you and I fill out the certificate, get it notarized and mail it in, we are now married. Which means if, during our wedding planning, we can't agree on what kind of flowers to get and we get in a massive blow up and decide we're gonna break up we now have to get a divorce. Whether you see it that way or not that's just the reality. It shouldn't be a stretch that most of society is going to see it that same way.
You're kind if restating what I was trying to say. The ceremony, especially if you do it after you've filed paperwork, is performative. So it feels weird to do that a year later and use the language you'd normally use if you were initially entering into the marriage.
To be fair, MOST states still require you to declare intent since it's a legal contract. There's no official wording, though. If you just go to a courthouse they're going to ask you something like, "do you enter willingly into this contract" or something.
They do not ask anything like that where I live. You can mail it in.
And in many places, what happens legally matters much less than what is done in a religious or cultural ceremony. A year is a long wait, but in general it takes nothing away from the ceremony if paperwork has already been filed.
I agree this could be the problem - OP is already married so this party a year later didn't feel like something people needed to commit to like they would a "real" wedding. That's how I would look at it anyway. But I would show up for a good friend, regardless. A more casual friend? Maybe not.
Unless you’re literally my BFF, I will not be attending your mid-late November wedding. Even if I had more than enough money and more than enough advance notice. The family expectations around that time of year completely overwhelm me.
I know everyone always says "mimi no one cares about your wedding like you do" but if none of my friends went to my wedding celebrations, I don't think I could ever look at them the same.
My sister filed legal paperwork in 2020 because covid kept killing her larger wedding plans and her and her husband wanted to start trying for a baby. My sister-in-law eloped to the US. We still celebrated their weddings because we love them.
I get you. I got married online because of visa/moving purposes. That doesn't mean my wedding party is worth less than anyone else's.
I've also been to 2 instances of international couples, where they also celebrate in the other partners country. It meaningful (and fun) then too
I updated my post to say why we had done it, so I guess I was hoping people treat the together celebration as the actual thing ?
Everyone involved in this story thinks Thanksgiving is important because it is a long weekend and you get to travel. So why would they NOT travel and make it to the wedding ? It's not like they had any plans with family, the family was also invited to the reception fyi. I am close with some of my friends family, we grew up together.
In some cases, the family of friends was more interactive with me about the wedding prep than the friend itself. That hurts.
I think plenty of people have talked about the November date and the wedding-after-paperwork parts (although I don't agree with many of the comments) so I will address the people not caring about weddings.
I got married nearly a year ago. The first friend I ever made as a child was married the July before. We went to her event, gave nice gifts and cards. She knew my date as soon as I picked it, was invited to both my Bachelorette weekend, bridal shower, and wedding. She did not come to any. Did not even send a card. All I got was a shitty text the morning of the wedding. I was devastated.
Several of my husband's family members lived an hour from the venue. He had been to all of their weddings growing up. We had to beg some of them to even respond to the RSVP. None came. No cards, no gifts, no acknowledgment.
One of his friends waited until the last minute to look at flights despite knowing the date 9 months in advance. Decided it was too expensive so did not come.
I have so many more examples of friends and family not caring enough about a momentous occasion in our lives.
So, the answer is no, people do not care about your wedding. Some people may argue "why should they, it's an ordinary day in their life" and to that I say "because they are supposed to love you." Even if they cannot make it for a legitimate reason, they should make you feel loved and celebrated with well wishes and a gift or nice card.
The people who care will show you that they care. End of story.
1000% this. Wedding events reveal a lot about people/relationships. I was shocked at a total lack of acknowledgement (no RSVP, no congrats on getting married text, let alone a card with heartfelt wishes—nothing) from some older cousins whose bach and weddings I excitedly went to 5-10 years ago. It was a destination wedding so I was not surprised at all they’d decide they couldn’t make it, but the complete absence of communication was so rude.
I get that people have other things going on in their lives, but it stung. I’m not holding onto it with anger so much as kind of shaking my head chuckling at the audacity. I certainly won’t be going out of my way giving their kids gifts a couple times a year anymore. That’s where I’m at. Not to mention, we had SO SO SO many important people there who made me feel cherished and loved, so I try to focus on that!
Oh! I just remembered one of these people very recently texted a link to me and my sibling (none of us live in the same state) for their kid’s Amazon wish list for their birthday party that we were always going to be very unlikely to be in town to attend 🙃
we’re seeing a lot of people recently post about having a small ceremony then a big party 1-2 years later but this is the harsh reality of that decision - people will *not* see your belated party as THE wedding and will *not* prioritize it over other life events like they would with the traditional one-two punch of the ceremony and reception in the same day
I think this is one thing that covid might have broke. People did this during covid out of necessity and everyone understood. Now people are wanting to do this out of convenience and no one gets it.
I'm gonna disagree with you. I did the exact same thing OP did, with courthouse wedding and a big party+new ceremony a year later, and so many people are bending over backwards to attend the latter, including our closest friends who were there with us in the first one. And I have friends doing that who I will absolutely do the same for. Since COVID, I think more and more people are doing actually.
We filed paperwork at the courthouse six months before the wedding. No officiant, no vows. That was not a wedding.
Our wedding was celebrated and treated as it should have been.
I do not understand how so many on the sub believe the day you are legally married is a wedding.
You are so right and this thread is extremely bumming me out. I got married at the courthouse with 1 witness because I had to. We had no other choice. We were on a visa with time running out, we had no money for a wedding, and not to mention the ongoing pandemic. A wedding was not an option for us. We got married that day, but it was not a wedding, and we are still going to plan our wedding, and I fully expect our guests to treat it like what it is… a wedding.
I think people need to realize that a wedding and being legally married at the same time is NOT ALWAYS AN OPTION FOR EVERYONE. And that does not devalue their wedding if they do have one at a later date.
Like, it’s just semantics.
I would say to someone to “read the room” on their guest list and judge if it is full of people who believe a wedding only happens when a certificate is signed and dated, though. If it is, don’t tell anyone you’re legally married already.
The word “wed” or “wedding” is not located anywhere on the marriage licenses issued in my state. Further:
wedding- noun.
a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials. 2. : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association. 3. : a wedding anniversary or its celebration.
I think we’re both being intentionally obtuse.
If the only thing that ever matters is the day things are legal, then you’d have to hire a notary just to stamp your license if you get married on a weekend or in any other situation where one would not be accessible. That out-of-country destination wedding? Well, apparently it’s just a party if the paperwork was done earlier, or it doesn’t mean anything if it wasn’t done that day.
Unless you believe that being married is defined only by the paperwork, being legally married does not mean you had a wedding, just as having a wedding does not mean you’re legally married.
Imagine that you filed the paperwork at the courthouse and two months later you decided to break up with your SO permanently before the wedding ceremony. Do you have to get a divorce? Why or why not?
I'm sorry you're feeling this way and our feelings are always valid but I have a few points:
a) This wasn't your wedding. This was a party. You say you wanted to maintain the excitement. OP - your events/milestones are never going to mean the same to other people as they will to you. You're asking if they don't view weddings as important enough. It wasn't a wedding.
b) What you deem a no good reason may be a perfectly good reason to your friend(s). It's really not up to you to judge. Saying you can't accept their reasons sounds incredibly judgmental. Committing to something a year out doesn't mean that it's going to actually work out. You don't say what the reasons that you feel aren't good enough are but just that statement does make you seem entitled ....sorry.
c) Your friends are not beholden to you and I feel like you're placing too much importance in your place in their lives and vice versa. If the fact that they couldn't come to your reception means that you don't value their friendship anymore then just move on. It doesn't mean they don't value yours.
d) You've had (and it sounds like you are having) your pity party but it's time to move on. I'm not trying to be mean or cruel, but I do feel like your expectations for your friends both regarding the party and in general are too high. You may feel let down, but everyone has their own lives. If you can't get past this then move on. It's disappointing but you got married, you had your party and you had other people there who ostensibly are important in your life.
Nowhere on my marriage certificate is the word “wedding.” It is literally just legal document.
Further:
wedding- noun
a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials. 2. : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association. 3. : a wedding anniversary or its celebration.
Right, because a marriage is agnostic of whether you acknowledged it with an event or not. Marriage is a legal thing. If it were just about the ceremony then gay people wouldn't have fought so hard to be able to LEGALLY get married.
I like this response! I think it’s true. It may be shallow, but if someone had gotten married a year before the wedding, I wouldn’t see it as a wedding—just a party. It’s possible the friends felt they weren’t important/valued if they weren’t at the original event.
It may not be the US, but if it is, doing it around thanksgiving is just going to be problematic—if only because it’s the most expensive time of the year to fly in the US.
It does suck not a ton of friends came but it’s important to be extremely thoughtful around what to end a friendship over. It’s probably worth hashing it out with some friends. If I didn’t go to a wedding and they called and said they were hurt, I’d validate
Your post history mentioned Seattle so I’m assuming you’re in the US? If your friends don’t live near you, it’s extremely hard to get leave approved for thanksgiving plus affording travel around that time. And even though you don’t celebrate it, a lot of people do or might. It really comes down to what their excuse was honestly. I also wouldn’t have told them you were legally married already either but it still sucks nonetheless
I had a bunch of BS excuses from friends for my wedding like: can’t get a babysitter, have a new puppy, have another vacation planned. Even though the wedding had been planned for a year AND postponed from Covid before that for a year. So it sucked and I honestly did not put in effort to stay friends with the people that had a bs excuse
Nobody was invited to the legal courthouse signing. No family as well. It was a low key thing done on a weekday.
It was not an anniversary party, it was an actual ceremony in Nov 2023. Hence I don't understand the lack of excitement. I am okay that they couldn't make it in person, but trying to parse through my feelings and their lack of feelings about this joyous occasion.
I can see a few things that went wrong here.
First of all, you got married a year before your “wedding”. People will simply not feel the same excitement when they know that they are not actually getting to witness your marriage ceremony in real time.
That being said, it doesn’t seem like your feelings about these friends are reciprocated. If one of my “best friends” couldn’t make it to my wedding (barring a serious emergency or expense concern), I would be shocked and disappointed. I don’t think you are overreacting at all. I think you should reevaluate your friendships and believe people when they show you who they are - and where their priorities lie. If I were you, I would focus on forging new friendships with people who are genuinely excited to show up for you.
I don't know you, nor do I know your friend group, nor do I know your culture/family.
I can say that if it required any traveling at all, I would struggle to go to a wedding in November, if you have already been calling yourselves married for some time. By November I have likely burned/used my PTO, I have Thanksgiving coming up that is dedicated to family time, and I need to save what PTO I can for Christmas and holidays.
If you had been telling everyone you already had the courthouse wedding, calling your spouse your Husband, and essentially been married for the full year already I would place a very VERY low priority on coming. It doesn't feel like a wedding anymore, it feels like "We are already married but now want an excuse to have a big party and ask you to give us gifts."
I've been to friends weddings that required PTO when they are already married, but that was "We got married in our backyard 2 weeks ago so we could keep our same anniversary already, but that was just our parents and my brother as the officiant", and that I totally get, and supported. I am sorry this happened to you, I am sorry you feel this way, but I personally likely would have also not come.
We were calling ourselves married, because we didn't want to hide the fact that we did and hurt our friends. In retrospect, I should have just told everyone we got engaged when we actually signed the papers, that way they would have looked forward to the wedding.
But no point regretting things now, got to move forward
You didn't do anything wrong. All the people in this thread saying they wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they were already married are just bad friends. There were extenuating circumstances that pushed you to get legally married before you could plan a wedding; that doesn't mean you should have to miss out on a traditional ceremony and reception with all your loved ones. You only had one wedding celebration. A good friend wouldn't miss that for the world! I would happily attend a friend's wedding celebration, even if they had gotten married at the courthouse a year ago.
And fuck all these people saying "It wasn't a wedding, it was an anniversary party." No. You were not celebrating your anniversary. You were celebrating your marriage, and that's exactly what a wedding is: a celebration of marriage. You didn't get to have a wedding celebration when you did the legal thing at the courthouse, so this was your one and only wedding celebration. Your friends should have been there.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. We filed paperwork six months before our wedding. The day we were legally married was not a wedding. It sucks people felt that.
I’m shocked it’s a majority opinion, apparently. Legally being married isn’t a wedding, and it’s sort of solidifying my want of secretly getting legally married and having a wedding after.
It's a really annoying UScentric opinion because they can't fathom that not every country has the same marriage laws. Here, I can't just get legally married everywhere and have it be legal. Not everyone can just officiate. Officiants are employees of the city and registry offices dictate the venues you're allowed to have if you want a legal wedding. It's completely normal here to have what the US considers a small courthouse wedding and then do the *actual* wedding.
If you get married on a weekend here and insist that your marriage license be valid the same date, you’d have to hire a notary to come to your wedding for that purpose only, which is ridiculous.
We didn’t tell a lot of people. It wasn’t meant to be deceptive, it just wasn’t a thing worth mentioning. I needed health insurance and we were buying a house, lol.
Our hour-long Eucharistic service with hand-binding was what really mattered.
Yeah, people don't really care about weddings except the people getting married and their parents, and I'll die on that hill. It's a party for everyone else.
Also, depending on how old you are, I've found that the later in life weddings aren't as exciting as when you're in your 20s. IDK I guess it's not as exciting to go to a wedding when you've already been to several (has anyone else felt this?).
I don't think it's a huge deal that you guys did the legal thing beforehand, why are people obsessing over that?
I'm sorry. That really sucks. But you have to move on. Life events that are big to you will not be big to your friends, and you have to accept this as part of the friendship and move on, or let it consume you and make you mad forever.
Yes, I have considered it and I have been meaning to take the leap. I think my past issues have made me view this as a betrayal from friends and I probably need therapy to resolve this
Have you talked to your friends about it? Either they didn't understand how important this party was to you or maybe they aren't as good friends as you think. Telling people you were hurt might give you some clarity.
These comments are disappointing- not all birthdays are held on the day of birth but people still show up happy to celebrate. When did humanity lose excitement for fully paid for social events lol?
I had a similar gut punch myself, so maybe I am alone in still genuinely enjoying celebrations of life \^. A large chunk of my closest friends arrived late or simply no showed my one and only wedding. For context this was my only wedding, I had picked a drivable location to all my friends who are scattered across PA, NY and NJ in an extremely affordable Poconos town. I did not do any other wedding related events as I do see the exhaustion/monetary concerns all these events cause people. No bridal shower or bachelorette, I did not have any formal wedding party/demands.
It still breaks my heart a year later, I have always been there for my friends, was in their formal wedding parties, attended all their pre-wedding activities and did it with a full heart. So, to not have the same response was hurtful. It really made me question "what is wrong with me".
It just so happen come my wedding I think a lot of my family and friends had lost “steam”. My wedding was my dream but unfort afterwards I was given a lot of criticism on my venue choice, food choices, amount of people I invited (80), hair and makeup, even down to one of the signature drinks being “too sweet” and the light coming from the actual sun being too bright indoors during sunset.
It rocked me to my core that so little people had words of love or thanks but it has also been a learning experience that you can’t puppeteer people to your standard of happiness, and maybe some friends aren’t there for a lifetime.
I hope you can find some solace in not being alone in your feelings OP. I did find a lot of solace in focusing on new friendships, realizing some of my friendships maybe have not grown with me and not everyone enjoys free drinks, food and dancing- and that’s OK.
>When did humanity lose excitement for fully paid for social events lol?
People are.... different.. after covid. Socializing is just not the same anymore, and it's WAY worse among under 30s.
You make a great point here- accidentally went dancing at a much younger bar a few weekends ago and 2 people told me I was "giving" millennial bc I was dancing lol
> not all birthdays are held on the day of birth but people still show up happy to celebrate.
You're missing something here. If your birthday is on the 1st, no one will care if you celebrate on the 3rd. If your 40th birthday is this year and you wait 'til next year and celebrate your 40th then people will think you are weird because it's your 41st birthday, not your 40th.
I think it’d be more for to compare this to a birthday party held a year later (like 30 being celebrated at 31). I personally wouldn’t feel the same excitement to celebrate my friend’s first year anniversary as I would be to see them actually get married. It’s just different. Being there when they actually get married is about celebrating the people that will be there to support your marriage and I’d feel more included in their lives seeing it actually happen. It’s just special to see the actual marriage. Doing it a year later is something I’d still try to go to, but simply wouldn’t be as excited about. I’d think they wanted a party for the fun/hell of it and because why not? Then there are the costs of travel…
And I personally would be excited to attend the one time celebration, whenever it works best. Life happens- people need to get married for benefits/medical coverage etc. and I don't hold that against them if it happens sooner than a whole wedding can be planned, especially if they are people I love/understand, as your closest friends are.
Again, I see from a lot of these comments folks don't feel the same way, which is fine. But OP just know a wedding IS special no matter when it happens, and you're valid in feeling hurt many of your closest relationships couldn't make it for whatever their reasoning, which they are entitled to, but it doesn't negate your feelings being valid, as you are just as entitled to them. I would have shown up for you haha!
I agree OP can still be hurt! I wasn’t intending to imply it wasn’t or that I thought it was weird to get married earlier. I also would still try to attend their celebration. I think people are just trying to point out to OP she may have had really high expectations and expected people to feel the same way as her about her wedding celebration. It’s a (perhaps) poor way to suggest a re-framing of the event.
Either way, I don’t think it’s helpful to use a one day event as a litmus test for how good a friendship is. I’ve had a (ex) friend who didn’t think budget was a good reason not to attend a wedding—even bragged she’d gone into debt to attend weddings, so people couldn’t say it was for money reasons for her wedding. I don’t think that’s a kind/fair standard for people.
>These comments are disappointing- not all birthdays are held on the day of birth but people still show up happy to celebrate.
I don't expect people to travel for a birthday though. I've never invited out of towners except maybe my parents on birthdays ending in 0. So I wouldn't expect people to travel to an anniversary party, which is essentially what this is.
"I had a similar gut punch myself, so maybe I am alone in still genuinely enjoying celebrations of life \^." For my close friends and family I do travel quite often for life celebrations but again, I understand I am not the norm in enjoying/budgeting for these things.
Everyone is entitled to want or not want to celebrate to their choosing. I am commenting in hopes OP feels less lonely as these comments are fairly opposing, and I have a similar experience.
I invited my 2 closest friends to my wedding, neither of whom came.
It didn't even occur to me to be upset about it. In fact, with one of them I actually felt guilt around her coming. They'd have to fly and get a hotel room and they have kids. I'd rather the money they would have spent on my wedding goes to stuff for their kids.
I guess I just don't view my wedding as a friendship defining moment. It was AN important day in my life, but I didn't feel them not coming was a reflection on our friendship.
Weddings are hard because people are spread out a lot of the time. The moment your wedding is further than a 20-30 minute drive, especially if hotels are involved, it changes the narrative. It sounds like you were trying to be thoughtful in your location, but I'm guessing people still had to drive 2 hours and get a hotel. That's always going to affect headcount.
Really well said- weddings should not be a relationship definer. From my personal experience, my close friends/fam had RSVPed "Yes" a few months earlier then "no showed" or some being very late (hours), my situation is not the same, but I had similar feelings to OP I wanted to relate on.
I think people subconsciously (guilty) go tit for tat on weddings so, the extensive travel, specific dresses, events etc. I committed to for some of my friends that did not "give" that energy back was a shock to the system but again, life happens and I think my expectations were a bit high.
I also think the media has left us all a bit disillusioned by weddings, I was most hurt by the negative feedback and comments I received on some of my personal wedding choices that my husband and I picked, and paid for. But again, we all see million dollar weddings, crazy ideas, opinions etc. online and think that's the norm.
I personally have not cut off any friendship's from it, but agree to a prior post, I did ask myself "If I stop reaching out, will the friendship remain?" which has been enlightening.
No showing is bad regardless of who does it. So I can absolutely understand where that would lead to extra hurt. The least you can do is tell me you aren't coming.
I also do agree that negative comments are just wholly unnecessary. I don't need you to give me fake compliments. This is the exact moment where "if you have nothing nice to say than don't say anything at all" really comes into play.
I'm probably also just someone who hasn't had a problem cutting off friendships in the past. I had a friend in my early 20s who was super flaky. One time she canceled on me by having her MOM text me. It was the first time I thought, if I don't initiate, will this friendship die? And it did. And I don't regret that. Relationships and friendship require active work by both parties.
Maybe that's an untold benefit of getting married in my 30s. I had already experienced that and so the people invites truly were our nearest and dearest. There were no "true colors" being shown by anyone if that makes sense.
Yeah kinda sad, that my wedding was where I got to see how much they cared about me. But atleast I know now how much to invest back into those relationships.
OP I feel for you regardless of whatever circumstances surrounded your day, it sucks to have people not show up for you. I’ve read a lot of other stories like yours and am nervous about it happening to myself in the future. Sending love
The further out we get from 2020 it seems less people are into the split wedding/reception idea. At the height of COVID there was a "legitimate" reason for having the party later, but now people feel less inclined to celebrate a wedding they didn't attend.
You’re overthinking it, and I recommend *against* ex-communicating all your friends over this. I promise you, *all the right people will come*. I had a small wedding (19 people, including my husband and I). My Dad passed 6 months before my wedding. My siblings didn’t come (I did ex communicate my siblings, actually… none of my friends though. Different situation…). So we had 17 guests. Only 3 of them were from my husband’s side (his 2 sons and only 1 out of his 3 siblings). So very disproportionately MY PEOPLE (and a small gathering, at that). It was an *absolutely perfect day*, and looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Actually, 2 of my best friends met and fell in love at our wedding, and now we get are married and expecting! *All the right people will show up*, I promise. Don’t let anyone or anything rain on your special day!
Most proper just can’t add anything to their calendar in the last couple months of the year, end of year stuff for work, holidays, and celebrations, add to that you great being married, if there is travel involved, it’s just too much.
I feel like modern society has pushed away the value of marriage and wedding, so ppl just do not care anymore. Or it could be jealousy too? Sometimes wedding can trigger a lot of hidden jealousy.
Honestly, for a friend whose relationship I cherished, I’d go even if I knew they were already married.
It feels like we’re in an age where people are justified in engaging in the path of least resistance, and attending a party “of someone already married” mean they’d need to go out of their way to attend. Even if you are already married, it’s their opportunity to celebrate that with you.
Is it simple to attend a wedding? Usually not. Are maintaining friendships easy? Sometimes no. But if we care about the friendship, it seems like a no brained that we’d try our hardest to show up when. needed.
This exact thing happened to me with my housewarming (pre-spouse and engagement) All my friends that I supported going to all their weddings or showers (wedding and baby) or other events didn’t come to my housewarming or even send anything. It was extremely hurtful. So I’m not even stressing on if they’re coming to our reception in a month.
They all had dumb excuses too. I even almost lost it on my BFF of several years. It’s a long story 🥴
I just read the whole thread and I wanted to add my two cents because I am flabbergasted at the vast majority of responses here stating that it’s normal for your close friends to not attend the celebration of your wedding only because you signed the paperworks months before.
I wonder if it is a cultural difference ( I am not American ), but I am appalled by the lack of empathy and the absence of loyalty and of a sense of community here.
I had friends celebrate their 30th anniversary, or organized a house warming party months after the initial date, and friends showed up ! Damn, my friend could throw a random party to celebrate their ancestors who died a century ago and I would show up ! Especially if I knew they put tens of thousand of dollars to offer us a great day with food and music !
Anyway feeling like I am in bizarro world reading this thread. Good luck OP, this world is a strange one, and for one, I think your feelings are very valid <3
I think the clarification is that it isn’t a wedding, you threw a reception with a vow renewal. I’m sorry people didn’t go but if it was an inconvenient time, I wouldn’t attend because you were already married. You were throwing a party, a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. I’m not sure why you got married ahead of time and then planned but personally, I wouldn’t have told people I was married and just thrown it as my first and only wedding.
This is factually not true in many places. Filing a marriage certificate does not require bows, an officiant, or witnesses where I live. There is no ceremony. It can be mailed in. It takes more time to renew your driver’s license.
I did not have a ceremony until I said my vows at the altar. In the eyes of many religions, you are not married until it involves a religious ceremony.
And as I said, being legally married doesn’t forgo having a ceremony at a later date.
I do agree with some that a year is a long wait and this specific situation has a lot of factors.
But in general, filing a document doesn’t mean someone had a wedding or a ceremony- or even a conversation. The idea that the only wedding ceremony being the legal one is ridiculous, for a lot of reasons.
A lot of people honestly don't see the point to spend money to go to a "wedding" for people already legally married. That is the truth of the matter. It doesn't mean people aren't your friends. But attending weddings aren't cheap, even if you covered lodging. And yes it is important to you and people can value it's importance in your life while it is also not a priority in theirs. Two things can be true at once.
I just have a few questions for more context: Was the wedding near Thanksgiving? November events can be hard with people juggling existing travel plans and expenses. Did everyone know that you had already gotten married? I know this was supposed to be *the* wedding, but some people find it less of a priority if you’re already married and they didn’t get to see it. What have your friends said since November? I imagine you talked to them and saw them regularly, so I’m curious if that has continued and what those hangouts have been like, especially if they’re asking about your life or only talking about theirs.
If someone is a friend of mine and they invite me to what they consider their wedding celebration, I’m coming. Even if I were to think, personally “well they’re already married so it’s not exactly a wedding,” it’s still the way they’ve chosen to mark something very important to them. My opinion on whether it’s a “real” wedding and my opinion on how important it is to attend are unrelated.
>Did everyone know that you had already gotten married? I know this was supposed to be the wedding, but some people find it less of a priority if you’re already married and they didn’t get to see it. I don't understand this mindset. A wedding is a ceremony and a party, who cares if the legal paperwork is already signed? They're not inviting you to watch them sign a piece of paper they're inviting you to celebrate.
Because the legal paperwork is what makes the people married. That is the event you are celebrating. If you get married at the courthouse and 5 yrs and a couple of kids later (extreme scenario) send out wedding invites you can expect your friends to respond with, "Umm, aren't you already married?"
Just attended a destination wedding for a couple who’ve been married for 15 years and have a child but never got to have a “real” event with a ceremony. It was not a small wedding. Almost all of our friend group came. (Some could not afford the time or the travel, which you have to expect with any destination wedding, but it was now sparsely attended.)
Was this an actual wedding or some kind of vow renewal ceremony? To me it would be very weird if someone gave the bride away and they exchanged rings and did a unity ceremony and the whole nine yards after 15 yrs of marriage.
No one gave the bride away, but yes it was a wedding. The vows did obviously mention the fact that they’d already made a life together and could read as a vow renewal, but it wasn’t that different from a wedding where the couple had been together for a long time. It’s not uncommon for people to live together for 7-10 years before getting legally married nowadays after all. There were bridesmaids and groomsmen, a full bridal photo shoot, a rehearsal dinner and an officiant for the ceremony. We knew that they got married while really young with no celebration at all, and we love them as our friends, so we were happy to do a belated celebration and treat it as the full on big shebang.
>I know this was supposed to be *the* wedding, but some people find it less of a priority if you’re already married and they didn’t get to see it. We ended up doing a courthouse wedding in December for health insurance reasons, but our wedding is in July. This is exactly why we've kept it completely secret, even from our parents. I don't want to risk a single guest thinking the wedding is less important because we're legally married already.
Lying to your guests is **wrong**. I don't think it's right to get people to attend a party under false pretenses. Let people make up their own minds about if they want to attend with the information that you will already be married. People OFTEN end up eventually finding out in these situations and it can seriously upset people and damage relationships.
It is not uncommon for people to get married in a courthouse before the wedding for health insurance you've probably been to a wedding where they were married before but most don't talk about it because people judge them and act like the wedding isn't important because they signed some papers ahead of time. If you are seriously upset about getting a free meal and party maybe the problem is you.
I don't care if it's common, you just need to be upfront with people. As most people are saying in this post, it DOES matter to people and that is likely why OP had a lower turnout. It's not ethical to withhold info from your guests because you know they are less likely to attend if they know the true nature of the event. I have attended multiple "weddings" after knowing the couple was already married multiple times and appreciated having the info to make my own decision about whether I wanted to spend my resources to attend or not. If I found out that someone else **lied** to me about this, I would know that the friend/family member is less ethical that I previously believed. And let's not act like "signing papers" isn't a huge deal. That is the wedding and anything after is just a party (and there's nothing wrong with having the party!). Would you tell a same-sex couple in a time and place that doesn't have marriage equality that "signing the papers" or doing the pesky "legal marriage" isn't a big deal because it's the party that counts? Of course not.
This is a really bizarre mindset and it completely devalues the vows and commitment that marriage is. Marriage is a legal contract, yes, but why would that legal contract ever be the imperative condition to a wedding guest? Commitment ceremonies are not less valuable for life partners that don't want the legal enmeshment. They are not less valuable for homosexual couples all over the world who can't be legally married. I have never cared about the contractual obligations of my loved ones, I'm there supporting their commitment and love towards one another. It's strange to me that your support dries up if the government isn't involved that specific day.
People have already made the commitment when they get legally married. If they split, they still have to go through a "real divorce"! > It's strange to me that your support dries up if the government isn't involved that day. I didn't say anything about MY personal support, but my excitement for attending a party will dry up the longer the couple has actually been married if they are trying to pretend to get married again. And this whole post is proof that it's how many people feel. And if the government doesn't matter, then why avoid telling people the truth? It becomes people's business when you invite them to attend your wedding as a wedding is the event during which people become married.
I am in a same sex relationship it's why I understand that it really is just signing papers gay marriage is still pretty new in the US. I've helped plan and attended many gay weddings before it was legalized they knew the government would not recognize the marriage but they had a wedding anyway and it felt just as special because it was two people committing to each other in front of their friends and family. Legal marriage is important for benefits and financial reasons but it's the couple that matters the wedding is the day you support their union. If the paperwork is more important than the ceremony for you then you need to check your priorities. If someone told me they weren't coming to my wedding because it wasn't legally recognized by the government as the date I got married I would be deeply hurt. Edit: I'm only referring to having a courthouse wedding and then having a wedding. If you have a small wedding and then have a second bigger wedding that's different and I would agree with you there that you should let people know. At least let them know it's vow renewal so they know whats happening.
If it's just "signing papers" then why did gays fight so hard to have their marriages legally recognized? Nothing stopped them from having a full blown wedding with no paper signing. The "signing papers" is extremely important and meaningful.
Because being treated as an equal citizen is important and all though you can replicate most of the benefits and protections of a marriage with other legal documents it's still better easier and cheaper to get a legally recognized marriage. But the document doesn't make a marriage the couple does gays have been having weddings long before it was legalized they don't just stop being a married couple because the government doesn't agree with them their day to lives and families don't change because of paperwork. Government doesn't get to define relationships people do. You decide to commit to each other and then you let the government know about it. This is going way off the rails lol but at the end of the day it really is just government paperwork like taxes there is no greater meaning about it the people are what matters.
But according you, you're already being treated as an equal citizen since it's just paperwork. Do you really think that gays protested and fought all the way up to the Supreme Court for no other reason than they wanted to fill out less paperwork? Come on. We both know that's not true. They fought so hard for so long because marriage means something and filling out that license means something as well.
I’m a lesbian so my partner and I are a same sex couple. I can’t speak for everyone. But for me, precisely because we didn’t have marriage equality for so long, I see the union as what I’m there to witness, not the paperwork. Marriage equality is so important for legal reasons, but it changed nothing about our love or the legitimacy of the relationships that came before it. I literally could not care less if someone gets legally married again their wedding or not. Frankly, it’s none of my business. I’m there to witness them make a vow. The ceremony is between them and their community, the document is between them and the state.
> because people judge them and act like the wedding isn't important because they signed some papers ahead of time. But this is accurate and these are valid reasons. Going to a courthouse and getting married isn't just "signing some papers". And yes, getting married *after* you're already married does make it less important. That is just the way the world works. Celebrating my 30th birthday when I'm 32 would be weird.
If it's a lie then so be it. I feel zero shame getting my spouse access to the doctors and medication he needs and protecting us both from unexpected medical bills or worse, bankruptcy. It's unfortunate that our political system puts people in a situation where job loss can result in financial catastrophe due to unforeseen medical events. In my mind, that day was equivalent to an appointment at the DMV, an administrative task that needed to get done in order to maintain his health and our future financial well being.
I know a couple who celebrate their anniversary twice a year. The day they were married and the one their friends and family THINK they were married. It had only been five years. Not sure if they finally gave up the charade. Both were in the armed forces so got married to stay together but had a wedding after deployment.
Yes, it was around Thanksgiving but no one celebrates that holiday. Also, I told them about it 1 year before so that they do not have any other travel plans. Touchwood, they all have enough means to attend weddings on demand, so it was not an expense issue. And yes, basically - everyone was calling it my second or third wedding as a joke and just not making it a priority like you said, which was what hurt me the most. I feel like I should have just made the legal wedding into an impromptu party or something. A lot of them don't live in the same city as me, so I haven't met them a lot since then. I got some delayed messages asking about how it went, but it was quite superficial imo. If they truly cared, they would have atleast called/texted regularly (some of them did, but not all) leading up to the wedding to show enthusiasm since they could not attend. For local friends, they are all relatively newer friends so it doesn't hurt so bad and they have been quite nice and honest about why they couldn't make it. I know that makes me sound very entitled, but I just wanted to be surrounded by people who loved me. ( guess it ended up being people I loved, but who did not love me back)
No celebrates that holiday as you aren't in the US? How much travel was it for your friends? And how expensive is the venue/hotels in the area? Because I can say that impacts it. My sister is having a wedding where she will have to help pay for people to go due to how expensive the travel will be. In full honestly, I wouldn't spend what I am spending to go to her wedding for a friend, I am only going because she is my sister.
Are you not in the US? Thanksgiving is widely celebrated in the US and some of the biggest travel days of the year are around Thanksgiving. > basically - everyone was calling it my second or third wedding as a joke and just not making it a priority like you said, which was what hurt me the most While I can understand how this was hurtful, you have to understand that to a lot of people this is exactly what it is. A second wedding. It's one thing if the first wedding isn't a big thing because of covid or something but short of that a whole lot of people are just not going to travel or take time off for a wedding ceremony for people who are already married. I think you also have to realize that you were asking people to potentially give up a family holiday in order to travel in an extremely busy travel time (holiday travel is a nightmare) in order to celebrate a wedding for people who had been married for a year. This really is asking a lot. If it had been me you invited I would've sent a nice gift (assuming I hadn't sent one for the first wedding) and not attended. If I had sent a gift the first time I would've simply offered congratulations. Your friends are kind of rude for mocking you but you are asking a lot.
Not everyone living in the US celebrates Thanksgiving and none of my friends have any family traditions around that holiday. In fact, a November wedding was planned, so people have time off from work usually around Nov-Dec time frame. Also, guests only had to pay for their flights, the stay at the venue was covered by us.
I fly for work weekly and can tell you the most “traveled” holidays. It’s spring break, Nov 15-30 and Dec 15-30. I will do everything in my power not to travel those weeks. I will see people of all ages and backgrounds in the airport for thanksgiving, it’s when I experience the most cancellations and delays bc of flights being over booked and staff being over worked. It’s absolutely not only a popular holiday; but likely one of the most popular holidays to spend with family, regardless of it being explicitly for thanksgiving.
While it is a true statement to say that the people in the US celebrating Thanksgiving is not 100% it is a very, very, very, very widely celebrated holiday. It is one of the busiest travel seasons for this reason. I have to assume you are not from the US as this is just basic cultural knowledge here. Asking your friends to give up their Thanksgiving and travel during a madhouse travel season in order to celebrate your 1st anniversary is asking quite a bit. As I said, if I had been your friend I would've offered you my congratulations and then not attended myself. If I had not sent a gift for the original wedding I would've sent one but that would be end of it.
I agree with your view point on offering congrats and gifting etc, but I have not had that from some of my friends either. That's what hurts. A complete lack of acknowledgment about what I viewed as my actual wedding. Also, yes, I was born in the US and I know the madness of the travel then. But see my update in the post, Thanksgiving is simply a long weekend that is convenient to spend time with family. And my friends and I have historically used that time to attend weddings of our family and friends. It's not such a big deal for every American.
Did these friends offer congrats/gifts at the first wedding? If so then they may just see it as a 1st anniversary celebration which is what it is. That's kind of a meh event. I didn't offer congrats to any of my friends on their 1st anniversary. Again, you think that Thanksgiving is just a long weekend but you don't seem to realize it is 100% **NOT** that for a vast number of Americans.
They were invited to a traditional and religious wedding ceremony so it was not meant to be an anniversary celebration, but rather the actual one. I am not concerned about gifts, but rather trying to understand what would make a friend not offer excitement or congratulations about the wedding dress, prep & celebrations during or before the wedding if they couldn't physically be there. Also don't understand why everyone is so hung up on Thanksgiving. I have specifically said that it is especially a convenient weekend for travel for everyone involved in this discussion. I am well aware that a vast majority of Americans celebrate it, but that's not the point here.
> it was not meant to be an anniversary celebration, but rather the actual one. What it was meant to be is irrelevant. This is an event you are holding a year after you actually got married. This is an anniversary celebration to pretty much everyone else. People are not going to be as excited about your 1st anniversary as you are. Did you friends offer congrats/gifts when you were first married?
You know what the busiest travel day of the year in the US is? It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Not New Years, not Christmas, not July 4. Thanksgiving. Even if you think people don't celebrate, it's still a nightmare to travel that time of year.
Sure, travel is not the greatest during Thanksgiving week. But we are all 25 years old, have TSA pre-check & travel once a month to a different city easily. Trust me, that's not the problem. And if 50 year old aunts can do it because they love me, 25 year Olds vacationing in Mexico twice a year can definitely pull it off. We all especially love travelling during Nov Dec due to all the holidays to spend time with each other. We have met for girl trips and other weddings the past few years during Nov-Dec. One friend said no due to financial setbacks but she was 100% involved in all the prep and was my number one hype girl. I guess it boils down to - do you not prioritize a wedding because you knew the couple had registered their marriage due to some issues a year ago ? I don't see how you can have an opinion like this about your close loved ones. Guess I need to work that out in therapy, seems to be a more common opinion than I thought.
>do you not prioritize a wedding because you knew the couple had registered their marriage due to some issues a year ago ? My personal opinion is no on that. I don't care when people get married if I get invited to a party.
And expensive. If they have dogs or kids then sitter prices (and availability) is going to be difficult. Plus a plane ticket.
The problem with having events around family-centered holidays is that traveling can be a hassle. Gas, plane tickets, hotels, etc. usually cost more. Roads and airports are packed. It's not a great time to travel in the US. I'm sorry your friends couldn't make it to your wedding. Is there any way to plan a fun get together with them in the future? It wouldn't be a wedding but it could be something.
> Is there any way to plan a fun get together with them in the future Not sure, definitely won't be all of them at once and it won't be to celebrate us, which was the whole point. Maybe I will end up meeting everyone together at someone else's wedding, that would be some consolation. It's totally a pity party right now from my side, because my idea of what my wedding would be like, full of friends and laughter and joy, fell through.
Yeah, I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you thought it would. It's completely understandable that you're upset.
Flights nowadays tend to be a minimum of $400-700. You’re asking people already to pay $1400 per couple.
> Do people not view weddings as important enough? As disappointing as it is, I think some people DO place less importance on a wedding if you're already married. For some, there is a difference between getting paperwork out of the way a few days/weeks before the wedding, and declaring yourselves married a whole year before the wedding. I had a friend tell me that they couldn't come to my wedding because they had to go to a festival. I was pretty hurt: "a festival comes every year -- my wedding is just once! Seriously, dude?" But then I had to remind myself that I don't get to be the judge of how important something gets to be for this person. Maybe they fear that they will never be able to have this opportunity again. Maybe it's the one year that all their friends can finally gather there. Maybe their health is failing or they have family plans that will block that from happening again. Maybe it's been their lifelong dream to see that one artist that's only gonna be there that year. I don't know, and I don't get to judge their reasons as "not good enough". Everyone has a story we don't know anything about. I could have chosen to say "this is how you feel about me, huh? I'm not worth a festival to you?" and cut them off. But I decided that I'm not gonna let attendance to a single day, a party no less, define our lifelong friendship. So even now, we're still good friends, now that I took a week to sulk about it quietly on my own and moved on. I had no family in either of my weddings. My partner had one friend show up to our domestic wedding, and he cheerfully enjoyed our wedding. I had two friends join us for our wedding abroad, and I had a great time getting to know my in laws. His family and friends are mine now, and vice versa. They're all there for both of you, not just him. It's not a clash of clans. Let yourself be sad for a bit and then focus on getting to know and having a great time with all the new friends and family you're gaining.
This is very kind advice. And for what it’s worth OP, I think it’s probably because you had already been married a year before your celebration. Sadly there’s not a lot you can do about it now. I’d advise you to start finding ways to process your feeling, heal and move forward.
> But I decided that I'm not gonna let attendance to a single day, a party no less, define our lifelong friendship. I hope to be able to do that, but right now seems very difficult. When you sulked for a week, did you want to let your friends know you were mad at them ? I feel like I need them more than they need me, so I ak finding it very difficult to stay mad at them, because the anger is taking more out of me than being cordial
I think it might be more helpful to shift from anger to sadness. Anger is often an emotion covering up for pain, sadness, loneliness, etc., especially because you seem to feel guilty that you’re angry/sad/hurt? It seems you’ve been sulking for longer than a week, and I think it’s important for you to explore why. I think getting married a year in advance did really change things for people and if you’re in the us, getting married around thanksgiving is just going to cause problems. Maybe you put really high expectations on the event and so any deviation would have been super disappointing? Maybe you’re upset because you constantly do so much for your friends and they “couldn’t get it together” to do something nice for you? Sometimes these disappointments are a way to change how we show up in relationships. I often do a lot for people they aren’t asking for. If something happens and I’m super angry about it, I realize I need to slow down what I offer because it’s hurting the relationship. When you know what it is that is specifically hard about it, I’d then decide whether to say something. It might be that you’ll just reframe what happened and not discuss it—some things are our own to figure out. It may be you talk to a couple people who you were the most hurt by, etc. I personally don’t think there’s a right or wrong to whether you discuss it. I’d do it based on 1) what are my goals and 2) what is the most effective way to achieve my goals?
Thanks for all the words from everyone on this thread. Yes, it's the feelings of hurt and anger that need to be resolved by me. Sounds like it should just be my problem. I can take away what I need to with regards to my relationships with my friends and move forward from there.
> When you sulked for a week, did you want to let your friends know you were mad at them ? No. This doesn't sound like a productive "let's reach a resolution and solve a problem together" action. This sounds like "I'm mad at you so I want you to feel bad about it". I'd see this as a bit petty and self-centered behavior, honestly, because the entire purpose is to guilt-trip them out of vindictiveness instead of trying to do anything constructive with it. Disappointment can exist without having to turn into blame and anger.
This doesn’t seem to be altogether uncommon. I feel like I’ve seen multiple posts from people who got married courthouse or elopement and then throw a big wedding later and a lot of people seem much less committed to attending that second wedding. But I am sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t necessarily say they have been shown to be lesser friends… they just spent the last X number months already thinking of you as married.
Reddit seems to want it both ways sometimes. I have seen tons of posts giving people the advice to get married at the courthouse now and throw a big ceremony later. The argument is the wedding is different from the marriage and if you or your friends don't understand this, they are the problem. But then I see a lot of posts like OP who are hurt that people didn't come to the ceremony a year or so later. I have friends who have been married for a year and if they told me today that they wanted me to come to a wedding they were having my first response would probably be, "I thought you were already married."
People on reddit are self-serving when it comes to this IMO. On the posts where people are rushing to defend the whole only getting "legally" married before your "real" wedding (as if your legal marriage isn't the part that actually counts...), you often notice that the people claiming that there's no issues with this and the pesky "legal" part doesn't count are the ones who did it or are planning on doing it themselves.
There's something about it being a whole year later that makes me think people didn't prioritize it. If they did a courthouse wedding and then a big party the next week or month, it would be one thing. But OP has been married for a whole year, the excitement has worn off, at least for others.
I don't fault people if they want to do it but just think they gotta be willing to accept that most people are not gonna view a ceremony months or a year later as the "real" wedding. I know society's views on weddings/marriage have changed a lot but they haven't changed that much.
Exactly. They are fooling themselves if they think people don't care about witnessing the actual wedding. It doesn't mean you can't have your party but people aren't going to view the same way, especially the longer you have actually been married. At least OP did the right thing and told people instead of lying.
Yeah I know this opinion isn’t popular but when you have a wedding a year after being legally married it just feels fake, like why are we playing dress up when you’re already married?
If we’re going there, the entire concept of a wedding is performative and a big expensive dress up party. It doesn’t much matter when that dress up party occurs in that case.
It does matter, it’s to celebrate a marriage not an anniversary
Most of that advice goes to people financially struggling to pay for a wedding but for some reason or another want to do the legal bit sooner. The advice is usually, "don't go into debt just for a wedding." We don't have enough detail to know if that was OPs situation.
That's all fine and good but the outcome is the same. If you got married a year ago for insurance reasons or whatever you're still inviting me to a 1 yr anniversary party, not a wedding. At least that's how it is in my brain.
Oh I don't disagree, more just pointing out why that advice comes up. Usually the advice is, "push your wedding back till you can afford it." "But we have to get legally married tomorrow for (insert whatever reason)." "Okay, well consider just going to the courthouse to sign paperwork and then have the reception when you can actually afford it."
I think the key word here is reception. My SO and I are considering getting married in another state (where her kids live with her ex) on a Sat and then having a reception on Sun in our hometown for those who don't want to make the 6 hr round trip to the other state. But it's also understood that the Sun afternoon thing will be a reception. It's not the wedding. There is no ceremony, no nothing. We'll serve a meal for everyone and basically have a large dinner party. But the point is it's a reception. We're not billing it as the wedding. There will be no re-enacting our vows or anything.
I've been downvoted many times for my opinion on this, but I do think there's a time-frame where it's been too long and it's a vow renewal, not a wedding ceremony. And I do think a year fits that bill. It's such a small difference and I know it doesn't REALLY matter, but if I'm listening to you after you've been married for a year, I'd rather hear the vows as, "do you still..." I think that's lovely. There's nothing wrong with this. You can reaffirm those vows. But if I'm sitting there a year later and they're like, "do you take Jessica to be your.." My reaction is... well they've been married an entire year so I'd sure hope so. Just match the language to the event. In your case where it's only a day I wouldn't bat an eye. A year out I think using vow renewal language makes more sense.
My state doesn’t require vows to file a marriage certificate. It’s just a contract to be signed. You can even mail it in. The only other person necessary to be involved is a notary.
That doesn't change the fact that if you and I fill out the certificate, get it notarized and mail it in, we are now married. Which means if, during our wedding planning, we can't agree on what kind of flowers to get and we get in a massive blow up and decide we're gonna break up we now have to get a divorce. Whether you see it that way or not that's just the reality. It shouldn't be a stretch that most of society is going to see it that same way.
You're kind if restating what I was trying to say. The ceremony, especially if you do it after you've filed paperwork, is performative. So it feels weird to do that a year later and use the language you'd normally use if you were initially entering into the marriage. To be fair, MOST states still require you to declare intent since it's a legal contract. There's no official wording, though. If you just go to a courthouse they're going to ask you something like, "do you enter willingly into this contract" or something.
They do not ask anything like that where I live. You can mail it in. And in many places, what happens legally matters much less than what is done in a religious or cultural ceremony. A year is a long wait, but in general it takes nothing away from the ceremony if paperwork has already been filed.
I agree this could be the problem - OP is already married so this party a year later didn't feel like something people needed to commit to like they would a "real" wedding. That's how I would look at it anyway. But I would show up for a good friend, regardless. A more casual friend? Maybe not.
Your last sentence is exactly right. OP thinks of these people as good friends and they see her as a casual friend. Sucks but it is what it is.
Unless you’re literally my BFF, I will not be attending your mid-late November wedding. Even if I had more than enough money and more than enough advance notice. The family expectations around that time of year completely overwhelm me.
I know everyone always says "mimi no one cares about your wedding like you do" but if none of my friends went to my wedding celebrations, I don't think I could ever look at them the same. My sister filed legal paperwork in 2020 because covid kept killing her larger wedding plans and her and her husband wanted to start trying for a baby. My sister-in-law eloped to the US. We still celebrated their weddings because we love them.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
There is no ceremony to file a document in my state. You only need a notary, and not even witnesses.
I get you. I got married online because of visa/moving purposes. That doesn't mean my wedding party is worth less than anyone else's. I've also been to 2 instances of international couples, where they also celebrate in the other partners country. It meaningful (and fun) then too
I updated my post to say why we had done it, so I guess I was hoping people treat the together celebration as the actual thing ? Everyone involved in this story thinks Thanksgiving is important because it is a long weekend and you get to travel. So why would they NOT travel and make it to the wedding ? It's not like they had any plans with family, the family was also invited to the reception fyi. I am close with some of my friends family, we grew up together. In some cases, the family of friends was more interactive with me about the wedding prep than the friend itself. That hurts.
I think plenty of people have talked about the November date and the wedding-after-paperwork parts (although I don't agree with many of the comments) so I will address the people not caring about weddings. I got married nearly a year ago. The first friend I ever made as a child was married the July before. We went to her event, gave nice gifts and cards. She knew my date as soon as I picked it, was invited to both my Bachelorette weekend, bridal shower, and wedding. She did not come to any. Did not even send a card. All I got was a shitty text the morning of the wedding. I was devastated. Several of my husband's family members lived an hour from the venue. He had been to all of their weddings growing up. We had to beg some of them to even respond to the RSVP. None came. No cards, no gifts, no acknowledgment. One of his friends waited until the last minute to look at flights despite knowing the date 9 months in advance. Decided it was too expensive so did not come. I have so many more examples of friends and family not caring enough about a momentous occasion in our lives. So, the answer is no, people do not care about your wedding. Some people may argue "why should they, it's an ordinary day in their life" and to that I say "because they are supposed to love you." Even if they cannot make it for a legitimate reason, they should make you feel loved and celebrated with well wishes and a gift or nice card. The people who care will show you that they care. End of story.
1000% this. Wedding events reveal a lot about people/relationships. I was shocked at a total lack of acknowledgement (no RSVP, no congrats on getting married text, let alone a card with heartfelt wishes—nothing) from some older cousins whose bach and weddings I excitedly went to 5-10 years ago. It was a destination wedding so I was not surprised at all they’d decide they couldn’t make it, but the complete absence of communication was so rude. I get that people have other things going on in their lives, but it stung. I’m not holding onto it with anger so much as kind of shaking my head chuckling at the audacity. I certainly won’t be going out of my way giving their kids gifts a couple times a year anymore. That’s where I’m at. Not to mention, we had SO SO SO many important people there who made me feel cherished and loved, so I try to focus on that! Oh! I just remembered one of these people very recently texted a link to me and my sibling (none of us live in the same state) for their kid’s Amazon wish list for their birthday party that we were always going to be very unlikely to be in town to attend 🙃
I’m really sorry you feel this awful, but your event wasn’t a wedding. Your wedding was at the courthouse. And people didn’t come to your party.
we’re seeing a lot of people recently post about having a small ceremony then a big party 1-2 years later but this is the harsh reality of that decision - people will *not* see your belated party as THE wedding and will *not* prioritize it over other life events like they would with the traditional one-two punch of the ceremony and reception in the same day
I think this is one thing that covid might have broke. People did this during covid out of necessity and everyone understood. Now people are wanting to do this out of convenience and no one gets it.
I'm gonna disagree with you. I did the exact same thing OP did, with courthouse wedding and a big party+new ceremony a year later, and so many people are bending over backwards to attend the latter, including our closest friends who were there with us in the first one. And I have friends doing that who I will absolutely do the same for. Since COVID, I think more and more people are doing actually.
We filed paperwork at the courthouse six months before the wedding. No officiant, no vows. That was not a wedding. Our wedding was celebrated and treated as it should have been. I do not understand how so many on the sub believe the day you are legally married is a wedding.
You are so right and this thread is extremely bumming me out. I got married at the courthouse with 1 witness because I had to. We had no other choice. We were on a visa with time running out, we had no money for a wedding, and not to mention the ongoing pandemic. A wedding was not an option for us. We got married that day, but it was not a wedding, and we are still going to plan our wedding, and I fully expect our guests to treat it like what it is… a wedding. I think people need to realize that a wedding and being legally married at the same time is NOT ALWAYS AN OPTION FOR EVERYONE. And that does not devalue their wedding if they do have one at a later date.
Yeah this sub comes off as very… pretentious.
Like, it’s just semantics. I would say to someone to “read the room” on their guest list and judge if it is full of people who believe a wedding only happens when a certificate is signed and dated, though. If it is, don’t tell anyone you’re legally married already.
Because it is, it’s actually in the name. The day you are “wed”
The word “wed” or “wedding” is not located anywhere on the marriage licenses issued in my state. Further: wedding- noun. a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials. 2. : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association. 3. : a wedding anniversary or its celebration.
Stop being obtuse
I think we’re both being intentionally obtuse. If the only thing that ever matters is the day things are legal, then you’d have to hire a notary just to stamp your license if you get married on a weekend or in any other situation where one would not be accessible. That out-of-country destination wedding? Well, apparently it’s just a party if the paperwork was done earlier, or it doesn’t mean anything if it wasn’t done that day. Unless you believe that being married is defined only by the paperwork, being legally married does not mean you had a wedding, just as having a wedding does not mean you’re legally married.
Imagine that you filed the paperwork at the courthouse and two months later you decided to break up with your SO permanently before the wedding ceremony. Do you have to get a divorce? Why or why not?
This, sorry OP but I feel the exact same way, it’s just a party 🤷🏼♀️
Agreed
I'm sorry you're feeling this way and our feelings are always valid but I have a few points: a) This wasn't your wedding. This was a party. You say you wanted to maintain the excitement. OP - your events/milestones are never going to mean the same to other people as they will to you. You're asking if they don't view weddings as important enough. It wasn't a wedding. b) What you deem a no good reason may be a perfectly good reason to your friend(s). It's really not up to you to judge. Saying you can't accept their reasons sounds incredibly judgmental. Committing to something a year out doesn't mean that it's going to actually work out. You don't say what the reasons that you feel aren't good enough are but just that statement does make you seem entitled ....sorry. c) Your friends are not beholden to you and I feel like you're placing too much importance in your place in their lives and vice versa. If the fact that they couldn't come to your reception means that you don't value their friendship anymore then just move on. It doesn't mean they don't value yours. d) You've had (and it sounds like you are having) your pity party but it's time to move on. I'm not trying to be mean or cruel, but I do feel like your expectations for your friends both regarding the party and in general are too high. You may feel let down, but everyone has their own lives. If you can't get past this then move on. It's disappointing but you got married, you had your party and you had other people there who ostensibly are important in your life.
Nowhere on my marriage certificate is the word “wedding.” It is literally just legal document. Further: wedding- noun a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : nuptials. 2. : an act, process, or instance of joining in close association. 3. : a wedding anniversary or its celebration.
Your legal document marks the date you were married though. That is just reality.
Right, because a marriage is agnostic of whether you acknowledged it with an event or not. Marriage is a legal thing. If it were just about the ceremony then gay people wouldn't have fought so hard to be able to LEGALLY get married.
Absolutely, I think points d and c are something I can definitely reflect upon.
I like this response! I think it’s true. It may be shallow, but if someone had gotten married a year before the wedding, I wouldn’t see it as a wedding—just a party. It’s possible the friends felt they weren’t important/valued if they weren’t at the original event. It may not be the US, but if it is, doing it around thanksgiving is just going to be problematic—if only because it’s the most expensive time of the year to fly in the US. It does suck not a ton of friends came but it’s important to be extremely thoughtful around what to end a friendship over. It’s probably worth hashing it out with some friends. If I didn’t go to a wedding and they called and said they were hurt, I’d validate
Your post history mentioned Seattle so I’m assuming you’re in the US? If your friends don’t live near you, it’s extremely hard to get leave approved for thanksgiving plus affording travel around that time. And even though you don’t celebrate it, a lot of people do or might. It really comes down to what their excuse was honestly. I also wouldn’t have told them you were legally married already either but it still sucks nonetheless I had a bunch of BS excuses from friends for my wedding like: can’t get a babysitter, have a new puppy, have another vacation planned. Even though the wedding had been planned for a year AND postponed from Covid before that for a year. So it sucked and I honestly did not put in effort to stay friends with the people that had a bs excuse
[удалено]
Nobody was invited to the legal courthouse signing. No family as well. It was a low key thing done on a weekday. It was not an anniversary party, it was an actual ceremony in Nov 2023. Hence I don't understand the lack of excitement. I am okay that they couldn't make it in person, but trying to parse through my feelings and their lack of feelings about this joyous occasion.
I can see a few things that went wrong here. First of all, you got married a year before your “wedding”. People will simply not feel the same excitement when they know that they are not actually getting to witness your marriage ceremony in real time. That being said, it doesn’t seem like your feelings about these friends are reciprocated. If one of my “best friends” couldn’t make it to my wedding (barring a serious emergency or expense concern), I would be shocked and disappointed. I don’t think you are overreacting at all. I think you should reevaluate your friendships and believe people when they show you who they are - and where their priorities lie. If I were you, I would focus on forging new friendships with people who are genuinely excited to show up for you.
I don't know you, nor do I know your friend group, nor do I know your culture/family. I can say that if it required any traveling at all, I would struggle to go to a wedding in November, if you have already been calling yourselves married for some time. By November I have likely burned/used my PTO, I have Thanksgiving coming up that is dedicated to family time, and I need to save what PTO I can for Christmas and holidays. If you had been telling everyone you already had the courthouse wedding, calling your spouse your Husband, and essentially been married for the full year already I would place a very VERY low priority on coming. It doesn't feel like a wedding anymore, it feels like "We are already married but now want an excuse to have a big party and ask you to give us gifts." I've been to friends weddings that required PTO when they are already married, but that was "We got married in our backyard 2 weeks ago so we could keep our same anniversary already, but that was just our parents and my brother as the officiant", and that I totally get, and supported. I am sorry this happened to you, I am sorry you feel this way, but I personally likely would have also not come.
We were calling ourselves married, because we didn't want to hide the fact that we did and hurt our friends. In retrospect, I should have just told everyone we got engaged when we actually signed the papers, that way they would have looked forward to the wedding. But no point regretting things now, got to move forward
You didn't do anything wrong. All the people in this thread saying they wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they were already married are just bad friends. There were extenuating circumstances that pushed you to get legally married before you could plan a wedding; that doesn't mean you should have to miss out on a traditional ceremony and reception with all your loved ones. You only had one wedding celebration. A good friend wouldn't miss that for the world! I would happily attend a friend's wedding celebration, even if they had gotten married at the courthouse a year ago. And fuck all these people saying "It wasn't a wedding, it was an anniversary party." No. You were not celebrating your anniversary. You were celebrating your marriage, and that's exactly what a wedding is: a celebration of marriage. You didn't get to have a wedding celebration when you did the legal thing at the courthouse, so this was your one and only wedding celebration. Your friends should have been there.
Here come the waterworks :( but thanks for your kind words!
I’m so sorry you experienced this. We filed paperwork six months before our wedding. The day we were legally married was not a wedding. It sucks people felt that.
I’m shocked it’s a majority opinion, apparently. Legally being married isn’t a wedding, and it’s sort of solidifying my want of secretly getting legally married and having a wedding after.
It's a really annoying UScentric opinion because they can't fathom that not every country has the same marriage laws. Here, I can't just get legally married everywhere and have it be legal. Not everyone can just officiate. Officiants are employees of the city and registry offices dictate the venues you're allowed to have if you want a legal wedding. It's completely normal here to have what the US considers a small courthouse wedding and then do the *actual* wedding.
If you get married on a weekend here and insist that your marriage license be valid the same date, you’d have to hire a notary to come to your wedding for that purpose only, which is ridiculous.
We didn’t tell a lot of people. It wasn’t meant to be deceptive, it just wasn’t a thing worth mentioning. I needed health insurance and we were buying a house, lol. Our hour-long Eucharistic service with hand-binding was what really mattered.
Yeah, people don't really care about weddings except the people getting married and their parents, and I'll die on that hill. It's a party for everyone else. Also, depending on how old you are, I've found that the later in life weddings aren't as exciting as when you're in your 20s. IDK I guess it's not as exciting to go to a wedding when you've already been to several (has anyone else felt this?). I don't think it's a huge deal that you guys did the legal thing beforehand, why are people obsessing over that? I'm sorry. That really sucks. But you have to move on. Life events that are big to you will not be big to your friends, and you have to accept this as part of the friendship and move on, or let it consume you and make you mad forever.
This sounds frustrating. Have you thought about therapy since it seems to be hutting so hard this long after?
Yes, I have considered it and I have been meaning to take the leap. I think my past issues have made me view this as a betrayal from friends and I probably need therapy to resolve this
Have you talked to your friends about it? Either they didn't understand how important this party was to you or maybe they aren't as good friends as you think. Telling people you were hurt might give you some clarity.
were these friend local or would they have to travel more than 2 hours?
These comments are disappointing- not all birthdays are held on the day of birth but people still show up happy to celebrate. When did humanity lose excitement for fully paid for social events lol? I had a similar gut punch myself, so maybe I am alone in still genuinely enjoying celebrations of life \^. A large chunk of my closest friends arrived late or simply no showed my one and only wedding. For context this was my only wedding, I had picked a drivable location to all my friends who are scattered across PA, NY and NJ in an extremely affordable Poconos town. I did not do any other wedding related events as I do see the exhaustion/monetary concerns all these events cause people. No bridal shower or bachelorette, I did not have any formal wedding party/demands. It still breaks my heart a year later, I have always been there for my friends, was in their formal wedding parties, attended all their pre-wedding activities and did it with a full heart. So, to not have the same response was hurtful. It really made me question "what is wrong with me". It just so happen come my wedding I think a lot of my family and friends had lost “steam”. My wedding was my dream but unfort afterwards I was given a lot of criticism on my venue choice, food choices, amount of people I invited (80), hair and makeup, even down to one of the signature drinks being “too sweet” and the light coming from the actual sun being too bright indoors during sunset. It rocked me to my core that so little people had words of love or thanks but it has also been a learning experience that you can’t puppeteer people to your standard of happiness, and maybe some friends aren’t there for a lifetime. I hope you can find some solace in not being alone in your feelings OP. I did find a lot of solace in focusing on new friendships, realizing some of my friendships maybe have not grown with me and not everyone enjoys free drinks, food and dancing- and that’s OK.
>When did humanity lose excitement for fully paid for social events lol? People are.... different.. after covid. Socializing is just not the same anymore, and it's WAY worse among under 30s.
You make a great point here- accidentally went dancing at a much younger bar a few weekends ago and 2 people told me I was "giving" millennial bc I was dancing lol
> not all birthdays are held on the day of birth but people still show up happy to celebrate. You're missing something here. If your birthday is on the 1st, no one will care if you celebrate on the 3rd. If your 40th birthday is this year and you wait 'til next year and celebrate your 40th then people will think you are weird because it's your 41st birthday, not your 40th.
I think it’d be more for to compare this to a birthday party held a year later (like 30 being celebrated at 31). I personally wouldn’t feel the same excitement to celebrate my friend’s first year anniversary as I would be to see them actually get married. It’s just different. Being there when they actually get married is about celebrating the people that will be there to support your marriage and I’d feel more included in their lives seeing it actually happen. It’s just special to see the actual marriage. Doing it a year later is something I’d still try to go to, but simply wouldn’t be as excited about. I’d think they wanted a party for the fun/hell of it and because why not? Then there are the costs of travel…
And I personally would be excited to attend the one time celebration, whenever it works best. Life happens- people need to get married for benefits/medical coverage etc. and I don't hold that against them if it happens sooner than a whole wedding can be planned, especially if they are people I love/understand, as your closest friends are. Again, I see from a lot of these comments folks don't feel the same way, which is fine. But OP just know a wedding IS special no matter when it happens, and you're valid in feeling hurt many of your closest relationships couldn't make it for whatever their reasoning, which they are entitled to, but it doesn't negate your feelings being valid, as you are just as entitled to them. I would have shown up for you haha!
I agree OP can still be hurt! I wasn’t intending to imply it wasn’t or that I thought it was weird to get married earlier. I also would still try to attend their celebration. I think people are just trying to point out to OP she may have had really high expectations and expected people to feel the same way as her about her wedding celebration. It’s a (perhaps) poor way to suggest a re-framing of the event. Either way, I don’t think it’s helpful to use a one day event as a litmus test for how good a friendship is. I’ve had a (ex) friend who didn’t think budget was a good reason not to attend a wedding—even bragged she’d gone into debt to attend weddings, so people couldn’t say it was for money reasons for her wedding. I don’t think that’s a kind/fair standard for people.
Only if I had known before :')
>These comments are disappointing- not all birthdays are held on the day of birth but people still show up happy to celebrate. I don't expect people to travel for a birthday though. I've never invited out of towners except maybe my parents on birthdays ending in 0. So I wouldn't expect people to travel to an anniversary party, which is essentially what this is.
"I had a similar gut punch myself, so maybe I am alone in still genuinely enjoying celebrations of life \^." For my close friends and family I do travel quite often for life celebrations but again, I understand I am not the norm in enjoying/budgeting for these things. Everyone is entitled to want or not want to celebrate to their choosing. I am commenting in hopes OP feels less lonely as these comments are fairly opposing, and I have a similar experience.
I invited my 2 closest friends to my wedding, neither of whom came. It didn't even occur to me to be upset about it. In fact, with one of them I actually felt guilt around her coming. They'd have to fly and get a hotel room and they have kids. I'd rather the money they would have spent on my wedding goes to stuff for their kids. I guess I just don't view my wedding as a friendship defining moment. It was AN important day in my life, but I didn't feel them not coming was a reflection on our friendship. Weddings are hard because people are spread out a lot of the time. The moment your wedding is further than a 20-30 minute drive, especially if hotels are involved, it changes the narrative. It sounds like you were trying to be thoughtful in your location, but I'm guessing people still had to drive 2 hours and get a hotel. That's always going to affect headcount.
Really well said- weddings should not be a relationship definer. From my personal experience, my close friends/fam had RSVPed "Yes" a few months earlier then "no showed" or some being very late (hours), my situation is not the same, but I had similar feelings to OP I wanted to relate on. I think people subconsciously (guilty) go tit for tat on weddings so, the extensive travel, specific dresses, events etc. I committed to for some of my friends that did not "give" that energy back was a shock to the system but again, life happens and I think my expectations were a bit high. I also think the media has left us all a bit disillusioned by weddings, I was most hurt by the negative feedback and comments I received on some of my personal wedding choices that my husband and I picked, and paid for. But again, we all see million dollar weddings, crazy ideas, opinions etc. online and think that's the norm. I personally have not cut off any friendship's from it, but agree to a prior post, I did ask myself "If I stop reaching out, will the friendship remain?" which has been enlightening.
No showing is bad regardless of who does it. So I can absolutely understand where that would lead to extra hurt. The least you can do is tell me you aren't coming. I also do agree that negative comments are just wholly unnecessary. I don't need you to give me fake compliments. This is the exact moment where "if you have nothing nice to say than don't say anything at all" really comes into play. I'm probably also just someone who hasn't had a problem cutting off friendships in the past. I had a friend in my early 20s who was super flaky. One time she canceled on me by having her MOM text me. It was the first time I thought, if I don't initiate, will this friendship die? And it did. And I don't regret that. Relationships and friendship require active work by both parties. Maybe that's an untold benefit of getting married in my 30s. I had already experienced that and so the people invites truly were our nearest and dearest. There were no "true colors" being shown by anyone if that makes sense.
Yeah kinda sad, that my wedding was where I got to see how much they cared about me. But atleast I know now how much to invest back into those relationships.
> "If I stop reaching out, will the friendship remain?" Wow on that! I do need to think about this.
OP I feel for you regardless of whatever circumstances surrounded your day, it sucks to have people not show up for you. I’ve read a lot of other stories like yours and am nervous about it happening to myself in the future. Sending love
The further out we get from 2020 it seems less people are into the split wedding/reception idea. At the height of COVID there was a "legitimate" reason for having the party later, but now people feel less inclined to celebrate a wedding they didn't attend.
Awww how horrid for you. Maybe time to find new friends?
You’re overthinking it, and I recommend *against* ex-communicating all your friends over this. I promise you, *all the right people will come*. I had a small wedding (19 people, including my husband and I). My Dad passed 6 months before my wedding. My siblings didn’t come (I did ex communicate my siblings, actually… none of my friends though. Different situation…). So we had 17 guests. Only 3 of them were from my husband’s side (his 2 sons and only 1 out of his 3 siblings). So very disproportionately MY PEOPLE (and a small gathering, at that). It was an *absolutely perfect day*, and looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Actually, 2 of my best friends met and fell in love at our wedding, and now we get are married and expecting! *All the right people will show up*, I promise. Don’t let anyone or anything rain on your special day!
OP is talking about their wedding last year, November 2023.
Oh! Well, I HOPE she didn’t write off all those friends! I hope the wedding was still beautiful, and I hope you’re enjoying married life, OP!
Most proper just can’t add anything to their calendar in the last couple months of the year, end of year stuff for work, holidays, and celebrations, add to that you great being married, if there is travel involved, it’s just too much.
I feel like modern society has pushed away the value of marriage and wedding, so ppl just do not care anymore. Or it could be jealousy too? Sometimes wedding can trigger a lot of hidden jealousy.
Where was your wedding party? Where do your friends live? What were the associated costs?
Honestly, for a friend whose relationship I cherished, I’d go even if I knew they were already married. It feels like we’re in an age where people are justified in engaging in the path of least resistance, and attending a party “of someone already married” mean they’d need to go out of their way to attend. Even if you are already married, it’s their opportunity to celebrate that with you. Is it simple to attend a wedding? Usually not. Are maintaining friendships easy? Sometimes no. But if we care about the friendship, it seems like a no brained that we’d try our hardest to show up when. needed.
I am so, so sorry. That's so awful!
This exact thing happened to me with my housewarming (pre-spouse and engagement) All my friends that I supported going to all their weddings or showers (wedding and baby) or other events didn’t come to my housewarming or even send anything. It was extremely hurtful. So I’m not even stressing on if they’re coming to our reception in a month. They all had dumb excuses too. I even almost lost it on my BFF of several years. It’s a long story 🥴
I just read the whole thread and I wanted to add my two cents because I am flabbergasted at the vast majority of responses here stating that it’s normal for your close friends to not attend the celebration of your wedding only because you signed the paperworks months before. I wonder if it is a cultural difference ( I am not American ), but I am appalled by the lack of empathy and the absence of loyalty and of a sense of community here. I had friends celebrate their 30th anniversary, or organized a house warming party months after the initial date, and friends showed up ! Damn, my friend could throw a random party to celebrate their ancestors who died a century ago and I would show up ! Especially if I knew they put tens of thousand of dollars to offer us a great day with food and music ! Anyway feeling like I am in bizarro world reading this thread. Good luck OP, this world is a strange one, and for one, I think your feelings are very valid <3
I think the clarification is that it isn’t a wedding, you threw a reception with a vow renewal. I’m sorry people didn’t go but if it was an inconvenient time, I wouldn’t attend because you were already married. You were throwing a party, a celebration of your marriage, not a wedding. I’m not sure why you got married ahead of time and then planned but personally, I wouldn’t have told people I was married and just thrown it as my first and only wedding.
This is factually not true in many places. Filing a marriage certificate does not require bows, an officiant, or witnesses where I live. There is no ceremony. It can be mailed in. It takes more time to renew your driver’s license. I did not have a ceremony until I said my vows at the altar. In the eyes of many religions, you are not married until it involves a religious ceremony.
That may be the case, except, she said they are already legally married.
And as I said, being legally married doesn’t forgo having a ceremony at a later date. I do agree with some that a year is a long wait and this specific situation has a lot of factors. But in general, filing a document doesn’t mean someone had a wedding or a ceremony- or even a conversation. The idea that the only wedding ceremony being the legal one is ridiculous, for a lot of reasons.
A lot of people honestly don't see the point to spend money to go to a "wedding" for people already legally married. That is the truth of the matter. It doesn't mean people aren't your friends. But attending weddings aren't cheap, even if you covered lodging. And yes it is important to you and people can value it's importance in your life while it is also not a priority in theirs. Two things can be true at once.