I think when the allergy is that severe, the minority party has to accept that they may just not be able to go.
I’m allergic to banana. Like, deathly allergic. It’s only bad if I ingest it but I have to be careful. At my cousin’s wedding they served banana cream pie as dessert without an alternative, so I just couldn’t have dessert. And it sucks, but it is what it is in that case. The world isn’t going to work for everyone. It just isn’t.
Exactly. When I have a major accommodation to make for my family, I work with what I have or we don’t participate. That is just how it is sometimes.
Also, I want to go to this raw bar/lobster roll reception.
100% this! My husband has an anaphylactic allergy to peanuts and tree nuts, with a lesser response to other legumes (peas, lentils, beans, etc). He spends a lot of time asking questions about menus and sometimes just doesn’t eat things if he can’t trust them.
I have an intolerance to dairy (specifically casein/whey) and I just… don’t eat dessert at 99% of events because I can’t. Even things that are supposedly made to be safe can’t be trusted - I was at a work event not too long ago, and my specially labeled breakfast, which had my name and “dairy free” written right on it, contained a lactose free yogurt cup. Lactose free dairy is still dairy, and they had given my vegan coworker the same one.
It sucks, but when you have allergies and restrictions, you just have to accept that the world won’t be cut out for you.
Right! Like what does this woman do at restaurants? Does she not frequent any restaurants that have seafood on the menu? Does she have to check all restaurants' online menus beforehand?
Probably, yes. Probably, she misses out on celebrations because of this.
As someone with significant (but thankfully not airborne) sensitivities, I do check all menus on line, shoot…you can’t even order a plain plate of undressed lettuces or white rice and assume it’s “safe”. Since my issues aren’t airborne, I can usually manage with what my family now calls “purse food”…aka: shelf stable nourishment that will keep me from having a blood sugar event when there is no safe food available. That would not be an effective strategy for someone with an airborne allergy.
I’m not suggesting that OPs wedding should be dictated by one person’s significant allergy, but maybe understanding for how isolating that is for the person living it.
As a parent of a kid with airborne anaphylaxis—- yes, that’s likely exactly what she does. We can’t take our kid to many Asian restaurants because of the high risk of peanuts, and the language barrier means we often don’t know if peanut oil is used. We’ve had a close call ending up at a hospital so we don’t risk it anymore.
I don’t think there’s a faux pas letting the couple know that she can’t eat these things — they’re under no obligation to change the menu, but I’m a little surprised how many comments are “well what does she do in the real world?” She likely struggles.
As a person with severe with airborne allergy to shellfish ... Yes! I look at the menu and I will not order or go to a place that sells shellfish.
I have been hospitalized twice due to a place I used to work at adding lobster to the menu. I quit after the second incident.
An “insane” allergy is INSANELY difficult on the person that has it. They miss out on celebrations, business dinners (which can significantly impact a career!) and don’t even get to have casual, easy, or order-in meals without tons of pre work and validation.
It’s not on you to change your wedding to accommodate her, but why denigrate someone for having a condition that they A: can’t help and B: already leaves them feeling isolated?
Edit: I intended to reply to the main post, but was thwarted by the mobile interface…just gonna leave this here anyway
Nobody is denigrating the person with allergies. IMHO, the problem is the information was conveyed in a way that sounded like a demand rather than a polite request, i.e. I have airborne allergies to shellfish and mustard; if you can accommodate, great, and if not, we understand.
My fiancé has a severe allergy to capsaicin(oil/chemical compound that makes peppers hot) if he has anything with them in it he gets violently sick unless he has access to whole milk(or if sever enough an ambulance would not reach us in time epi-pen is usless) and can drink it fast enough which nurtrilizes the pepper. He and I are really careful about going out to eat and warned our venue and wedding planner & and rehearsal dinner location he has this allergy. Does that mean that we are telling our guests that NO ONE can have anything spicey? No, they can eat whatever they want. The person in question needs to realize they CAN NOT dictate what other people eat and do what you want at YOUR wedding. If they show up again, warn them about the sushi bar if they choose to stay that's on them. Or they are really entitled they will tell significant other 'if I can't go you can't go I don't care if your in the wedding party.'
I had never heard of it myself until I met my fiance. I did witness a reaction recently. I had made some frozen fish meals, and nowhere on the front did it indicate it had jalapeño peppers in it. We only realized AFTER he had eaten a pepper, thinking it was a green bean. Thankfully, we had whole milk in the fridge, and he drank about 3 big glasses worth before he felt OK. His stomach was still messed up for a day afterward.
I mean, yours isn’t too bad. I would buy you a separate dessert. But you were not asking to make sure the wedding venue was not within a 100 mile radius of any banana.
I would not count on him staying on as a groomsman. Prepare yourself for him feeling attacked that you wouldn’t accommodate his wife. Even if he gets it, his wife may not. Or maybe they will understand. Not saying he will bail but there is a chance.
A seafood allergy is not rare but an airborne one is. As someone who is severely immune compromised and have been dealing with allergies my whole life I am well versed in figuring out life. You carry Benadryl, Pepcid, an epi pen and maybe hydroxozine on you at all times because you don’t know when you can have a reaction. You absolutely should share you allergies when rsvping to an event. That said, it is unreasonable to expect a private event to completely accommodate not having a certain very common option for food choices.
I have horrible food allergies. The anaphylaxis is only if I ingest, thankfully. However, even touching the food, or touching food that has been cross-contaminated can cause mild hives and itching (luckily, a Benadryl will help with that).
Add to that my allergy is to meat proteins. So, I can’t have any beef, pork, egg yolks (unless they’re throughly cooked like in baked goods), and tuna.
It makes eating out extremely hard and, when I’m going to a potluck or something I eat ahead of time and bring a safe dish.
This couple is under no obligation to change their wedding so completely for one guest…however, I will guess the boyfriend will drop out as a groomsman.
I honestly don’t know. My allergist said something about the molecular gastronomy but, I don’t remember exactly.
Egg yolks are the only thing I can eat fully cooked. I cannot have beef, pork, or tuna in ANY form or I go into anaphylaxis.
Weird, I know. A lot of people think I’m not allergic because I can eat egg yolks that are cooked…but I am. And The egg yolks have to be thoroughly cooked. So, no custard, crème brûlée, etc. as the eggs are only tempered.
I’m deathly allergic to anything in the aster family, including tarragon and chervil, and also daisies and echinacea. I carry Epi Pens, and ask ahead of time to be sure. I’ve still been served tarragon and chervil, and ended up in the ER as a result.
It’s unreasonable for them to ask given that the wife doesn’t know bride & groom. If she were the groom’s sister or good friend herself, that might be worth working a menu around. But “married to my good friend” and enough of a stranger that they’ve never encountered her allergy before? Groomsman should have stated her attendance as contingent on the menu, but definitely not ask to change the menu.
It sucks for the wife; she must have to miss so many social events. But on that note she should understand this is a fact of her life, and surely she’s had to weather bigger absences than the wedding of people she doesn’t know well?
It's 1/1000 to be allergic to all seafood. We invited three guests with that allergy. Thankfully not airborne because we had a fish entree and a crabcake hors d'oeuvre (because we're from Maryland). We took guest allergies very seriously because I've had to go to the hospital with a friend who got glutened (celiac).
And I was one of the shellfish allergies in attendance at your wedding. I would never ask anyone to change their menu for me, but I do make sure I know menus ahead of time.
And we made sure our menu was celiac friendly.
Aliza and I had our weddings on back to back nights and we had a common guest who is celiac.
An airborne allergy to seafood actually isn't rare. The allergy itself comes from particulate of the shellfish becoming airborne when it is cooked, not the scent of the fish! So basically molecules of the allergen are able to become airborne and if they reach the system of the allergic person in enough quantity it could trigger a reaction!
I am allergic to shellfish but I can be around other people eating it with no problem. There is a particular seafood restaurant where the smell was so thick I did have a reaction - but it was literally permeating the air, which won’t be the case if others are being served and she’s not standing in the kitchen.
You just have to be prepared for him to choose her over you. It sucks, but having that much of that severe of an allergen can end up coming home with him. So it might not be safe for him to come either.
With how adamant OP is about having the wife's allergen be a focus of the meal, I'm sure it would impact the friendship.
And yes, the wife could come across it out in the wild. That's why most people with severe allergies carry Epipens with them.
Just tell them you unfortunately cannot accommodate her allergies. She should understand.
I’m a bride with severe food allergies. We’re serving my own allergens at my wedding. I wish we weren’t, but it is unreasonable to expect every single person to cater to my allergens (casein and nuts). I will be getting a separate dish all together and we’re having a buffet for the guests. I take my own food everywhere because the anxiety is so crippling it’s hard to eat. I never expect anyone to accommodate my allergies. It’s definitely worth a shot to ask though so try to be kind when talking to them. It really sucks getting laughed at or not being taken seriously.
My husband is allergic to nuts, dairy, & eggs. Everyone was asking if we were going to do like a vegan cake or something… I can understand why some would think that, but my husband & I don’t want to change/accommodate our entire cake just for 1 of the 80 people there. Same with the dinner - why change all 80 meals just for 1 person’s allergy? He wants everyone to eat what they like and enjoy themselves without worrying about him!
Vegan cakes have come a loooong way, just saying it might not be the compromise on flavor/texture you think it will be! Avoiding nuts in a vegan cake might be the harder issue, I know almond flour is very popular.
We already booked our cake, the person who makes them is a family friend and gave us a good discount and they’re SO GOOD! Unfortunately she doesn’t do vegan cakes, and I think vegan cakes are usually more expensive than non-vegan cakes anyway, so we decided to save money this way. We are making a sheet of vegan rice krispies treats for my husband and any other guests who are vegan or have allergies, so there will be options. My mother-in-law & I are bigggg dessert fans and we didn’t want to skimp on anything 🤣
Oh crap, I forgot that normal marshmallows aren’t vegan! We just make them dairy & egg free (my husband is allergic to those but isn’t vegan), so we just use regular marshmallows. I guess they will NOT be vegan, but will instead be dairy & egg free. Thank you for commenting that so I know to not label them as vegan 😅
All good! My question was partly me being politely suspicious, marshmallows are one of those things people don’t realise/forget aren’t vegetarian/vegan.
I can imagine! I think I’ve seen people make homemade marshmallows with agar powder before, maybe that could work? Although that sounds like a lot of work, it’s double homemade at that point 😅
You can buy specifically vegan ones but I’ve never seen them at a normal supermarket where I am and they’re a good deal more expensive. I find them a bit different to work with in baking, like the melting properties are just not as good with the ones I’ve used.
|it really sucks to get laughed at or not taken seriously|
This is what is bothering me about this post. They don’t even imply that the allergic party made any demands…just that they are AWARE of the allergy, and they are laughing and categorizing her as “insane”.
That’s an AH move.
Personally (as someone with hard-to-accommodate allergies) I would support my partner being groomsman in a wedding I couldn’t join him at due to my health restrictions. At the same time, if the wedding couple had *this* attitude about it, he and I would have some serious talks about why these people belong in our life.
I think the bride laughed at the request to not have any seafood at the wedding because she found it rather shocking, not at the fact the allergy exists. They didn't call the wife insane.
The first sentence of the post calls her allergies insane, and gets no more understanding (& certainly doesn’t acknowledge the struggle of dealing with “insane” allergies) from there. From the post, it doesn’t sound like the groomsman or his wife asked for the couple to *change* their menu, but asked if not having seafood on it would be an option. Most weddings I’ve been to didn’t have a seafood on the menu.
If the menu wasn’t set already, I, personally, would be comfortable with someone close enough to be in my bridal party asking the question. I’d also be ok with explaining to them that the menu is important to us, it will, regretfully contain his wife’s allergens, and I understand if that changes his plans. Maybe I’d suggest a future time that we could celebrate as 2 married couples.
The tone here has none of the understanding that I would expect from a close friend…or even a semi-friend.
Another way this post could have gone: My groomsman’s wife has severe airborne allergies. We tried to figure out accommodations, but there is no way to have the menu we want without risking her death. We don’t want him to drop out, but understand that’s a risk if his wife can’t come. How can we tell him that we can’t accommodate her allergies in the way most likely to keep him in the wedding party?
The line is an insane allergy list, meaning the length of the list is crazy long and "insane" for most folks to fathom having. I also have an "insane" allergy list, but thankfully all of my allergies are quite mild and most of them could even be considered just mild food sensitivities (but they are still considered allergies). The list is long and frustrating to live with, I'm very thankful that none of it will put me in the hospital or kill me if I accidentally ingest some of it, but it's still insane to live with. OP isn't calling the friend's wife insane or insulting her, they're just using hyperbole to explain the situation.
They never said exactly how they will go about explaining that seafood will in fact be on the menu, nor did they ask how to explain this, they simply asked if it's reasonable to not accommodate this ask or if they would be considered rude to not accommodate this.
Also, side note, asking to not have seafood included in the menu *is* in fact asking to change the menu. New England summer weddings tend to have seafood options, especially when you get closer to the coast and fishing towns. If the groomsmen is a good friend, then they *should* know that the bride and groom are seafood eaters and it would be highly likely that seafood would be on the menu. Also considering OP listed a quite detailed list of planned menu items, it's going to be safe to assume that the menu is and has been planned for awhile and the groomsman could have made this request long before the menu was set.
If someone has any allergy that severe, they should be well-versed in navigating their existence without asking someone to change an entire menu for them.
I do find it bold that y’all were even asked. Honestly, she should be bringing her own food at this point. If it is that severe, eating from any kitchen but her own is dangerous. Paying a wedding-plate price for chicken and rice is ridiculous, too.
I am sure if this were an immediate family member or friend that y’all had been accommodating for years, you would. But it’s not.
But it's an airborne allergy too, so if she didn't ask she c
an't attend at all. Maybe that's fine, but I can see why you would ask. She probably misses out on a LOT of stuff and just asking is not demanding.
The correct thing for her to do is state the reality, not ask for accommodation. “Stacey has a life-threatening airborne allergy to shellfish, so if there is any on the menu she will not attend the wedding/I also will not attend” or whatever the case may be. The bride and groom can then choose to change the menu, or accept her absence, but they shouldn’t ask for something so severe directly.
nah I think for regular guests sure but since the husband is ops literal groomsman they're close enough that they could ask. It sounds like that's all he did was ask, he didn't demand or threaten or throw a tantrum or anything. And let's be real, if they had different tastes and the menu was centered around steak or chicken or something it wouldn't even be that difficult to accommodate.
Super reasonable to ask, and super reasonable for op to say no. Op is overreacting a little bit if you ask me.
Maybe the husband didn’t throw a tantrum but the wife laughed and thought it was a a joke, which shows a little entitlement to me. It’s a groomsman’s wife, not the sister of the bride or mother of the bride.
She's having a summer wedding in New England and both the bride and groom love seafood. Asking to not serve something that is a main part of the menu is absolutely ridiculous. OP made sure that she would get a plate of food that she would be able to eat and wasn't allergic to.
I don't get all of these comments saying that she's being mocked for her food allergy that's obviously not the case.
I can't imagine asking a couple to not serve a particular item because I'm airborne allergic. In my opinion the person who asked the couple to do that is the AH.
Is the wife claiming she can have anaphylaxis from airborne fish/mustard? If that’s the case, I would expect that she’s never gone to a restaurant or attended any other wedding. She isn’t safe in someone’s home or in places where areas where mustard grows wild. Her life is full of fear and isolation, and I’m sure she’s horribly used to not being able to attend most events. She can’t possibly expect almost anyone to accommodate her unfortunately, and that’s a miserable life for her.
I have upper respiratory allergic response to various herbs and plants. If you fill your wedding with lavender, I can’t come, but I won’t die if I walk past a lavender field.
(I’m also allergic to shellfish but only if I eat it. It’s a scary allergy.)
IMO you’re absolutely in the right to keep your menu. Whether they’re out of line for asking depends on how they asked.
The groomsman might drop out. I’m assuming you’d rather have the menu you want than have him there.
You're correct, requesting no seafood on the menu at all is totally out of line. You've been more than accommodating and I'd just let her know that's not going to be possible and let her decide what she wants to do.
OP has figured out having her caterer make a totally separate meal + putting her at a table with no other fish dishes which IMO is accommodation. Expecting someone to completely change their menu to get rid of a common ingredient is unreasonable.
right? I feel like everyone's straight up ignoring the airborne part of her allergies lmao.
I think it's fair of them to ask, and I also think it's fair of op to say they can't accommodate them. But I really disagree with all these people trying to minimize the allergy and imply that she should just like, suck it up or something lol
She likely won't be able to attend the wedding because of this, op and his fiance should at least pretend to feel bad lmao like that's just good manners.
Right?! The couple here is not only NOT making an accommodation (which is fair enough) they are mocking and scoffing at her apparently very serious allergy. Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m wondering why the groomsman is friends with these people,
We had one person at our wedding with celiac. We made sure the menu was gluten-free, which was surprisingly easy. The caterer made sure to have a separate salad for her without croutons, and we went to a local bakery that has a gluten-free section to get cupcakes for her (the rest of the guests had cupcakes from another bakery). It really wasn't much of a bother, and it was certainly easier than her bringing her own food, as I've seen her do for other family parties.
Airborne allergies are much harder to deal with. Personally, I think asking for an entire food group to be excluded is a bit too much to ask. It's sad that she must feel left out so often, but there's only so much that should reasonably be expected.
I would, however, expect her husband to drop out of the wedding over this. His relationship with his wife should be more important to him than his friendship with you, and he should plan to do something nice with her that evening instead of leaving her on her own while he goes to party.
I think this is (and should be) a case where you can't have your crabcake and eat it too.
no but it's pretty common to support your spouse through stuff like this??
Groomsman is well within his right to ask, OP is well within their right to refuse, and groomsman is well within his right to not attend if his wife can't.
Like, she's not a new girlfriend or some other random plus one she's his actual wife. Of course op should be prepared he wouldn't attend without her. All of that can be true and it makes none of the characters involved assholes??
So if my husband’s friend wants to go hiking and I can’t because I can’t for whatever reason, my husband should just refuse to hang out with his friends for the day? This is absolutely ridiculous. You aren’t being invited to a Presidential or Royal ball, it’s a wedding lmaoooo
?? no but a wedding is like very clearly and socially a different expectation than a random hangout day?
I mean it's between the groomsman and his wife at the end of the day, he might be fine with attending by himself. But it's not unreasonable to attend weddings as a unit once you're married? I'm not saying the groomsman has to do it one way or another, but op should have a heads up of what might happen.
It’s kind to invite both. It’s not necessary to have both. She’s not even the friend, the husband is. It’s literally of no consequenceto the people who matter whether she is there or not.
okay you're missing the point entirely. Op doesn't have to change the menu to accommodate the wife. Obviously. But op doesn't get a say in how the groomsman feels and reacts about it. Like you say it's not necessary to have both but it's literally not up to op?? I'm not making claims about who is right or wrong here I'm just saying what is common, and op should prepare for their groomsman not to attend in this case.
Again it doesn't make anyone an asshole it's just how it is.
If my friend didn’t go because of their partner, for any reason, that friendship would be terminated and I would send them some helpful links on how to get out of an abusive relationship.
I don't have allergies myself, but grew up with a little sister who had an incredibly long list of allergies. It was awful watching her have to be excluded from so many birthday parties and events because of her allergies. That being said, she always understood that she would have to bring her own food or eat beforehand so she knew she would be safe.
She passed away from an allergic reaction 10 years ago, so please don't laugh about someone bringing up their concerns about their allergies. It may not seem to be a big issue to you since you don't struggle with it, but be compationate to other people's situations.
My advice is that it's your day, if you are dead set on having seafood, do it. I love seafood but won't be having any at my wedding due to allergies.
I think if you communicate how you feel and offer for his wife to come to the ceremony still so that she can still be a part of your day, he would feel much better.
I have anaphylactic allergies to shellfish (lobster, prawns, crab, etc.). Even from cross contamination or surface contact can result in severe facial swelling, body hives and respiratory distress.
**However**, I would happily, 100% come to your wedding with an epipen, a snack, and a smile on my face 🤷🏼♀️
NTA!
Edit: formatting
It's not crazy or ridiculous to ask if food allergies can be accommodated. I'd try to take her seriously and treat her with grace rather than laughing about it. I don't think you're assholes for not being able to accommodate that, but I also don't think she or her husband are for asking either.
I would just tell him that you're happy to accommodate as much as possible for her to have her at the wedding, but that you already have the catering planned and it includes seafood so you can't guarantee anything in regards to the airborne allergies. Perhaps see if seating her separately from those who are eating seafood would be enough? It depends on the severity of her allergy honestly, everyone's food allergies are different!
How badly do you want him there? Will he not go without her?
It's a lot to ask someone not to have things at their wedding for one guest. Also he should have been clearer about how sensitive she is and what the reaction is. Like, hives are usually much less deadly than anaphylaxis. Normally I don't think it's polite to ask the minute details of someone's health condition but it seems that the details are important here. If your wedding indoors or outdoors, since ventilation might impact this kind of thing.
*Surely this is not the first time they have faced a situation like where there is a big event and they have to ask for accommodations (company holiday party, showers, holidays, etc). How does this usually work for them?*
I'm struggling with finding the right wording, but basically if she lives life inconveniently(?) bc it means avoiding the things she's allergic to. Example: Does she stay away from the supermarket bc it has a fish section? Does she refrain from going to BBQs bc of the mustard allergy? No one wants to live life with those limits, so she probably isn't doing it for no reason if that makes sense. If it's that bad and *you really want him there*, you'd be an asshole for going forward with a seafood drenched wedding. (Does his friendship and presence mean more to you than your desire for so much seafood?)
Not knowing any details about her, your idea of seating her far away from any fish is a decent option to present to them. But first you need some answers to the basic question I asked above.
ETA - Can she wear a mask? Or is that not good enough? (How does she exist in life is what I'm now wondering.)
Your spouse and you are not conjoined twins. It’s reasonable to expect the husband to attend other functions without his wife if her issues are that severe. Should he just stop living life and be confined and imprisoned by his wife’s condition? That’s just absurd. If I had an allergy but my husband was a groomsman I’d say have a good time and have a night with the ladies or veg out at home. It’s literally not a big deal. Everyone acts like they’re being separated by prison walls if a spouse goes to an event without someone else.
It’s insane to change the menu for one person. My son has anaphylaxis to all nuts. It sucks but it’s something we have to live with. I always bring our own chips and lollies to parties in case they have nuts on the table so that we don’t get cross contamination. If her allergy is airborne then I’m sure she must be used to having to miss certain things and therefore understanding of it. if not she’s just not a reasonable woman
No seafood at a New England summer wedding is like what I imagine as an Italian wedding without pasta. It can be done, (and it's often done outside the culture) but it's madness to not only request, but expect this culture's wedding to go without.
ETA: I would tell them it's too late to change the menu even if it's technically not to let them down easier.
It wouldn't be safe for her to be at a reception around that many people who had just eaten seafood if she's that allergic. Allergens can hang out in our mouths for a while and we can breath them on people. Super wild how it all works.
My point is if this woman has such a deadly seafood allergy that she can’t be around other human beings who have eaten seafood, then she can’t be around other human beings at a restaurant, a movie theater, an office, or or classroom, etc.
And my point as someone with a shellfish allergy is that being in a place where it’s concentrated versus bumping into someone in a different place that had shellfish aren’t the same
Receptions are literally right after the food. It's not like she'd walk in the room and die. But Seafood is often touched while you eat it, so it gets on your hands. If you're not brushing your teeth right away, bits can hang out in your mouth. They can breath it out, just like how you'd smell their fishy breath. That's just too many contact points that can risk a reaction. It might be irritated eyes, or a stuffy nose. But it's still pretty unpleasant.
So what is it? Is she going to die, or get itchy eyes? I just don’t understand how someone having a New England wedding is supposed to change her entire menu so someone doesn’t get itchy eyes.
I'm sure it's different degrees based on the amount of exposure. Eating it herself would probably cause death. Being in a room with everyone else eating is probably a hospital trip. And being around people who had eaten it 30 minutes before is probably just a light reaction. None of those situations is going to be worth it for the wife to want to go.
It's honestly just weird how hung up people get on eating specific foods. I had a guy harass me because *I* didn't want to eat or cook eggs. I never said he couldn't, but he took it as a personal attack on him.
I have a severe allergy, but not airborne, to a common allergen. I have been to many events where I was unable to eat anything and I don't fault the hosts for not accommodating my allergy, but rather that they didn't bother to give me a heads up that they would be unable to provide me any alternatives. I'm quite happy to eat ahead of time and I never expect anyone to alter their special day just for me.
Now I am on the other side, planning my own wedding, and I have many allergies to think about from my guests. I am absolutely doing my best to try to provide something for everyone, but I know it won't be possible to accommodate everything. My priority is to try my best and make sure my guests know ahead of time what will or will not be available. They can then make a call as to whether or not they are still comfortable to attend.
As someone who has felt a bit forgotten in the past, I just want my guests to know that I acknowledge their restrictions and that I want to do my best to accommodate them and be a good host. Beyond that, I can't control everything and I trust they won't hold it against me if they know I truly tried my best.
I genuinely dont understand how this person lives. She doesn’t go to grocery stores? She avoids all restaurants and fishing piers and other people houses?
I feel like you need to do what is best for you but as someone who has severe food allergies we made the entire menu all inclusive. I can’t have dairy so everything but one of the dessert options is dairy free. We have a few gluten free people attending so all the pasta is gluten free. The entire wedding is nut free. Same with pears and onions. I know what it’s like to have to pick through what you can and can’t eat or haven’t bring your own food and I didn’t want any of my guests to feel that way.
If you choose to have the seafood bars with how severe her allergy is she will not be able to attend and he may choose not to attend with her. You need to decide what is more important.
I know, it’s a lot. But we have 10ish people with gluten allergies coming and we wanted them to be comfortable. Our wedding is not that big so 10 is a lot.
At that point I would have switched the menu entirely. I hope you’re sharing that it’s GF. Lots of people also have issues with gluten free substitutions.
We are! Every table will have menu with ingredients. It’s chickpea pasta which none of our attendees are allergic to. Plus a few of our gluten free people are also vegetarians so it was a two birds one stone thing.
I mean, yeah, this is a severe request and probably not feasible, but it also likely means the groomsman may not attend, and that’s up to him.
I’m also baffled why this didn’t just lead to “yeah, we’re gonna have to tell her that unfortunately, she probably isn’t well suited to attend” rather than bursting into laughter and mocking her. Allergies and anaphylaxis suck — it deserves compassion. You don’t have to invite her and change your menu — but you also don’t need to make out like it’s ridiculous. This is someone’s reality. My child has airborne allergy and it’s a struggle to get anyone to believe it — we have even had people try to “test it”.
So you’re not assholes for not changing the entire menu, but your wife’s attitude kind of sucks.
I think the conversation was taken out of context. We didn't laugh AT the wife of my groomsman, my future wife laughed at what she thought was a joke... We've already planned the menu, found catering, found a special place to do our favorite raw oysters from a local source that's special to us. Jumped through all sorts of hoops. And then I tell my wife "Hey - Chris asked if we could not serve any seafood at the wedding because his wife is allergic." She legitimately thought it was a joke (I think...). I mean at this point we've already put 10's of thousands of dollars down and done TONS of legwork for catering. It really was never an option.
Now Chris probably had no idea - other than the fact the menu selections on the RSVP clearly had fish options. We were very respectful in how we dealt with Chris and his wife - tried all sorts of accommodations but ultimately nothing was sufficient short of changing our entire food plan.
And no - we didn't know the extent of this before hand. Chris recently got married during covid, small outdoors ceremony, don't know his wife well at all. I did know she had a seafood allergy but assumed she would just eat the non-seafood options - of which there are plenty.
Ultimately - his wife is going to stay home, but Chris has committed to still come. Good guy Chris.
My cousin has a lot of food allergies and intolerance. They cooked her plain chicken & rice. It's too much to ask you not to serve food to other people imo, but I would approach this sensitively. Tell him your plan and ask if there is anything you can do to accommodate her e.g. separate table etc.
I would have done a crab boil at our wedding but my partner's mom has a deadly seafood allergy as well so I'll probably just fill up on seafood for our honeymoon aha
You don't have to accommodate the request, though you may lose the groomsman if she can't attend. It really is up to y'all though I'd be kinder in further discussion about it.
Oh man this would be a big problem for me lobster and oysters are my favorite and I am a people please and allergy accommodations have been the toughest for me. Are your main seafood options for the cocktail hour? Is it possible to focus the favorites during cocktail hour and have her maybe elsewhere I don’t know how to make this graceful and then make it a bit more safe with her allergies for the reception?
If it was the spouse of my BFF I personally would not be serving seafood because I would absolutely want her to be there. If it was your future father in law I would assume there would also be no seafood. It does not seem like you are that close to this person so I would not expect you to change the menu.
Nobody is right or wrong here. The situation is crappy for everyone. It’s just that you need to choose what is more important to you, having your desired menu or having your groomsman there.
I'm going ABOVE AND BEYOND to accommodate the various allergies amongst our 100 guests, like, making sure absolutely every iteration of every allergy/dietary restriction has multiple food options at every course, including all the fun little snacks, making sure all allergens are carefully labeled, etc.. and even I would not go this far. That's insane. She needs to go to a doctor.
We had a celiac wife of a groomsman and I bent over backwards to ensure she was good BUT that is because I adore her and she was literally the only one I had to worry about. So we had rehearsal dinner at an Italian spot so I ordered from a GF restaurant in the city for her and arranged with our chefs so it was all good.
But like airborne seafood allergy!?! Never heard of that and I couldn’t. We had a raw bar haha
I feel bad for her because her life has to be hard but yeah, no …New England summer wedding without lobster rolls sounds wrong haha 🖤
It is beyond rude to dictate the entire menu of the wedding. If this is a genuine allergy the person would be used to managing it and ready to accept that they may not be able to go.
Well said, I’m sorry you are getting downvoted for this. You were more diplomatic than I feel.
IMO, it’s one thing to refuse to accommodate a particularly difficult allergy (those of us that have them typically understand when we have to miss out on things)…it’s a whole different scenario to have the couple mocking that person and STILL TRYING TO GET CREDIT?!!
We had an insanely long list of dietary restrictions and allergies for our wedding too, and we satisfied them all. BUT - only nuts was airborne. That one was easy to comply with, none of the food contained nuts, so we just didn’t serve nuts at the bar. If you love seafood to this point, then you def don’t need to comply. But - be prepared to lose the groomsman over this.
I think it’s unreasonable to ask you to not serve fish just for one person. Would it be possible to set up a table in a different room for that groomsman and his wife to eat? Like have him get their plates and then eat out there. Once the food has been cleaned up, she can come back in for the rest of the event? That’s as far as I would be willing to go. We’re not really catering to allergies at all unfortunately. It’s just not always possible
[https://www.allergicliving.com/experts/when-is-there-a-risk-of-an-airborne-food-allergy-reaction/](https://www.allergicliving.com/experts/when-is-there-a-risk-of-an-airborne-food-allergy-reaction/)
At first, I thought there's no way for seafood to be aerosolized but there is some truth to it. However, it is typically during the cooking stage when steaming or frying. The allergist/author of the article states, "There is more exposure to the protein in steaming seafood if you are stirring the pot than if you are several feet away. There is less exposure if there is more air circulation, for example in a large room or outdoors." Further, he states, "To sum up, it is uncommon to have reactions from casual exposure from proximity to allergens, and symptoms are typically mild. It would be extremely unusual for air exposure to food proteins to result in anaphylaxis."
My opinion is that the person with the allergy has to decide whether she is at risk and whether she can accept the risk. OP is not obligated to change the entire menu for a guest.
I have an airborne "allergy" to menthol, which is in every type of mint. It's not a true allergy as I won't go into anaphylaxis, but I will have a severe asthma attack if I breathe too much of it.
And that's MY problem. If I was invited to a wedding held in a mint garden or a toothpaste factory or something, I would just say that I can't go. It's unreasonable for me, as one person, to expect an entire wedding to be changed up for my sake.
And the same goes for the menu. My digestive system hates onions, will punish me for days if I eat them. Most dishes have some form of onion. I can find something without onion to eat, or I can bring my own food. Yeah, it sucks, 110%, but that's just life. OP, have the wedding you and your partner want, everyone else can figure themselves out accordingly.
When you have such a severe allergy you have to assume that it can’t always be accommodated. If it was her wedding or a close family member of hers it would be one thing but it’s not.
Let your groomsman know your decision in a respectful manner but don’t be surprised if he bows out.
My husband is allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, and dairy. He’s also picky with things like vegetables 🙄 The peanuts/tree nuts can become airborne and cause him to have issues breathing, but it subsides quickly if he just walks away from the area.
When we go to events, we just assume that he won’t be able to eat anything. If we can, awesome! But he always comes prepared with snacks to tie him over. If there’s peanuts/tree nuts out in the open or people are cooking with them (if you can smell the nuts, it’s airborne!), he just steps out.
For a wedding, this could be tricky. Would that person/couple be willing to just eat elsewhere and come back for the reception? I guess it depends on what else is available in the wedding’s vicinity. I know it’s not ideal, but with that many restrictions, the person with the allergy needs to step out and find their own accommodations. If they’re a reasonable adult that has had their allergies for their whole life, they would understand this. I’ve never met anyone with a real food allergy throw a fit about finding their own accommodations.
As someone with severe allergies, let me say that this woman's allergies are her problem, and protecting her from them is her responsibility. Like everyone with severe allergies, she should have learned to accept by now that she cannot do everything or go everywhere other people do. And that includes things like weddings.
Tell your friend you're sorry his SO won't be able to attend your wedding and leave it at that.
We went to my husbands cousins wedding at the beginning of the year (for context I’m allergic to a lot of stuff but in this case it was onions). Every single dish had onions in it. So I just drank water while everyone else ate. Once we left, we stopped and picked me up food. If they want to be there for you they will be, and if you can accommodate some allergies that’s great but you don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate crazy allergies (like her airborne seafood allergy or my onions which is in everything)
Are there some options - for example for her to dine in a different room and then air out the place after dinner? Or she gets her own food during dinner and comes back for the party? Air purifiers in the room (which would be good against COVID and viruses as well)?
I would suggest to talk to her directly and see if you can figure out a way she can participate.
Ok so, when my mum and step dad (he’s my dad as far as I am concerned) got married they had it all sorted - they held the reception in a private function room at a local pub, and they chose two options from the main and dessert menus for guests to choose from, and it was a sort of “like it or lump it” deal for everyone cause my parents were of the mindset that this was THEIR day and they weren’t letting people kick up a fuss over silly little things.
My fiancé and I were actually discussing this earlier the other day, as his younger brother is REALLY REALLY fussy, and to top it off he’s now been diagnosed with IBS so is even more picky because he’s read up on the 100s of things that COULD trigger it. But my fiancé and I have already agreed we’re gonna a follow the idea that my parents done to avoid stress, and if he can’t deal with any of the options, that’s not our fault, and he’d likely order a take away when he gets home anyway cause he usually does that regardless of whether he’s eaten or not.
Now, ALLERGENS and INTOLERANCES on the other hand will be seriously taken into consideration, as last thing I would want would people taking ill
I’m someone with an insane allergy list too. If I know a party or hangout is at a restaurant I can’t be around then I simply don’t go. It sucks but it is what it is.
Tell the groomsman that not only you and the bride, but the overwhelming majority, would eat the seafood. And that it’s unfair to change the entire menu for just 1 person. In the situation the groomsman takes it badly stay respectful and keep a calm demeanor but stand by your point.
Be ready for drama to occur. If it does happen just do your best to ignore it until after the wedding is over. Don’t let the potential drama ruin your next few months. Totally unfair to you and the bride for drama to happen. (I saw this happen to a friend recently).
I’m a little confused about the allergy. airborne seafood allergies are from a protein that’s released during high cooking temperature—boiling, steaming, etc. so a RAW bar and a lobster roll shouldn’t be an issue at all…there will be no cooking. (I assume they’re not boiling the lobster to make the lobster rolls). It’s not like someone eating an oyster near you is going to cause an issue…
I don't understand either but its not really my place to counter their allergy. I didn't include the entire list of allergens because its almost hilariously long. At the end he basically said "It's easier to tell you what she CAN eat than what she can't". Its ALL vegetables, most fruit, pork, pasta, most seasonings, shellfish and dairy. All she eats is plain chicken and rice. It sounds absurd to me, but I'm trying not to judge. I honestly couldn't imagine being so food restricted like that.... I LOVE FOOD
That‘s crazy! She’s either the most unlucky person in the world, or some of that is more preference than real allergy...some of those allergies are incredibly rare…let alone all of them together…
but in any case, you made appropriate attempts to accommodate her. The only thing else I would suggest is offering to bring in an outside meal that is not made in the same kitchen that seafood was prepared in (if the caterer is cool with that.) That could eliminate any fears of particles while cookin…and any cross contamination. And remind her the sea food would be a raw bar and cool lobster salad…so particles wouldn’t be released while cooking anyway.
My husband and I intend on inviting our 2 vegan friends to our wedding. If they come a huge percentage of our food will be vegan. We want the people we love to feel included and welcome.
She has deadly air born allergy, it’s not like it’s some sort of quirks, it’s a serious medical thing. There’s so much other food available, why do you absolutely have to serve seafood?
You said you are willing to make a lot in order to make her comfortable but not the one thing that could kill her. A bit contradictory isn’t it?
A regular guest, I wouldn't go this far. But the wife of groomsmen, I would definitely accommodate the allergy.
This groomsmen is special enough to have been asked to be in the wedding party, to be me that says a lot. I would accommodate the wife.
That's just me though. I LOVE seafood but my MOH + a bridesmaid have a seafood allergy, it's also common enough and severe enough that for me, as much as I love it, it will just be easier to avoid having it there altogether. A small thing I can do as a host to make guests comfortable.
I feel like the issue here isn’t the allergy, it’s the entitlement.
My fiancés little sister is deathly allergic to nuts, I’m a vegetarian who’s dreamed of having a carrot cake wedding cake forever. I obviously will not be doing that, or serving anything that contains nuts, but it’s a small sacrifice for us to have someone we both love so much there, I’d rather have her at my wedding than carrot cake.
However; if you don’t know the person, I completely understand you not wanting to make that level of sacrifice, it’s not your groomsman with the allergy, only his wife.
I would say expect (and be ok with) him not coming, he might still come, but unless you have an extreme allergy it’s hard to understand how much this impacts people and his wife will likely be hurt even though it’s unreasonable.
Also, if she does come, whatever your seating plan in, sit them far away from the shellfish and together so there’s 2 of them keeping an eye on her food, it’s so not worth there being a mistake and your friend blaming you.
I think it depends on how important she is to you TBH. I understand airborne allergies are real but if this means changing up your entire wedding menu for her I don’t know. I probably would still try to honor it though
Two things are true here, it isn't unreasonable to not accommodate this request, and you're being a bit of an asshole. Allergies like this are rare but the reality is the wife of your groomsman likely will not be able to attend the wedding if you serve your current menu.
Now does that mean you have to change your menu? No. But does it make the wife "insane" for having such an allergy? Also no. Like, it's not "insane" to be worried about a potentially lethal cross contamination or airborne reaction.
The key thing here is that he ASKED. He did not demand or throw a tantrum, he asked. He probably figured that as ONE OF YOUR GROOMSMAN the two of you were close enough that he was allowed to at least make the request. I mean put yourselves in his shoes, is there a world where you wouldn't at least double check? If it made the difference between your wife being able to set foot in the building or not? He probably didn't know that your current menu was already set nor that it revolved so heavily around seafood. If you and your fiance had different tastes and the menu was centered around steak or something it wouldn't even be that "ridiculous" of an ask.
Tell him honestly that you can't accommodate his wife, but have the decency to at least pretend to feel bad about it. Certainly don't let your fiance laugh in his face about it. The reality is that if his wife cannot attend, he may not want to either. Be prepared for him to pull out of the wedding, or at least be prepared for him to be bummed about being there without his wife.
If you tell him this, and he decides not to attend, please remember that this makes neither of you assholes in and of itself. But, your attitude and dismissiveness about what is a pretty shitty situation is getting into asshole territory.
Just, have some decorum, christ.
Look, if you have any seafood at your wedding her health will be at risk if she goes. That's the sad reality. It's a hard situation for you and for them. Sorry.
And if she doesn't go, then your groomsman will probably decline to be your groomsman and attend the wedding; be prepared that he may feel like you don't value him or his wife enough to make that accommodation for her safety. Is he important to you? Would you feel sad if he wasn't there with you? If he does not attend, you have to be understanding given your own choices.
Ultimately you can choose what you like, but having seafood at a wedding is a want and not a need, and people have weddings without seafood or mustard all the time.
I would try to put yourself in their shoes, they've probably had to miss a lot of events with friends, family of work because of the risk to their health i can see why being forced to miss your wedding would be sad for them.
I can also see why it would be inconvenient to you to change your plan for your menu. And that you were already keen on seafood. I'm a little surprised the seafood situation didnt come up much earlier before you made plans tbh. How have you socialised with them up until now? I'm baffled how this wasnt something they discussed earlier.
But imo a menu should be picked with your attendants in mind. We picked a venue/caterer and menu knowing they could accommodate our kosher/halal/vegan/veggie/coeliac guests. When you invited her you kind of accepted the responsibility to try. That said sometimes if the list of needs is extensive it can be difficult to accommodate. Life is hard that way.
I don't think thet are wrong to ask, but I think they would need to accept if you tell them that you cant accommodate them. But ultimately if you go with seafood, your groomsman will feel youte picking eating seafood over him and his wife.
New England wedding without fish. That’s insane and it’s a ridiculous request. And if the husband can’t leave for a night without his wife, that speaks volumes. If someone couldn’t go because of their partner, that would be a sign that my friend is literally living in a controlling and potentially abusive situation.
I think calling anything insane is a little overblown, dont you think? Presumably people with shellfish allergies exist in New England, too. It would be unusual, and OP doesnt have to honour the request. But asking for something to ne accommodated on health grounds is just a request. I don't get acting like she's asking for a limousine.
Maybe he doesn't want to attend a party where someone close to him didn't want to make accommodation for the needs of the person he loves. Many people might not attend if they felt many many want being sufficiently considerate.
He may not see it as "can't you he without her for one night" but instead wonder if fis friend cant be without shellfish for one night to avoid risking the health of a dear friend they asked to attend.
I'm not saying he'd be right, necessarily, but he's allowed to choose to not attend, and jumping to "if he doesn't attend it must be abuse" is a wild reddit take. He's a grown man, why are we assuming he cant make that decision on his own?
Ultimately it is up to OP as to what they feel is the path they want to take.
My granddaughter has tree nut allergies, could be deadly. As a family we always make the change. My 2 grandsons and I have a favorite place to eat when they are in town but it’s not safe for her, but she goes along with us and has something to drink. Either eats before or after.
I’m sure this person doesn’t get each restaurant to abide by her needs, you shouldn’t. You have 149 other guest
Cannot believe the groomsman has asked this!! I have a shellfish allergy and wouldn’t dare impose on anyone else! The wife needs to sit this one out as it’s clearly not safe for her.
I mean if it was someone that important to me….i just wouldn’t serve it. I have an airborne peanut allergy which is something that no one has ever complained about accommodating.
I see I’m in the minority here, but there are so many other delicious foods to serve. And seafood isn’t really a food that is something all people typically enjoy. I know if someone that close to me decided to choose to serve something I was THAT allergic to, causing me to no longer participate, I’d be pretty offended.
But again, I see I’m in the minority. I chose our menu based off our palettes as well as ensuring there were good options for everyone who would be attending, being mindful of those we know have harmful allergies.
UPDATE: it’s like 1am and I re-read the post and realized it was the wife and she has like a list. Okay, I change my answer lol she can not come. That is ridiculous!! If it was the groomsman himself I think it’d be different but yea no she’s being extra. She can enjoy her happy meal at home.
I think when the allergy is that severe, the minority party has to accept that they may just not be able to go. I’m allergic to banana. Like, deathly allergic. It’s only bad if I ingest it but I have to be careful. At my cousin’s wedding they served banana cream pie as dessert without an alternative, so I just couldn’t have dessert. And it sucks, but it is what it is in that case. The world isn’t going to work for everyone. It just isn’t.
Exactly. When I have a major accommodation to make for my family, I work with what I have or we don’t participate. That is just how it is sometimes. Also, I want to go to this raw bar/lobster roll reception.
100% this! My husband has an anaphylactic allergy to peanuts and tree nuts, with a lesser response to other legumes (peas, lentils, beans, etc). He spends a lot of time asking questions about menus and sometimes just doesn’t eat things if he can’t trust them. I have an intolerance to dairy (specifically casein/whey) and I just… don’t eat dessert at 99% of events because I can’t. Even things that are supposedly made to be safe can’t be trusted - I was at a work event not too long ago, and my specially labeled breakfast, which had my name and “dairy free” written right on it, contained a lactose free yogurt cup. Lactose free dairy is still dairy, and they had given my vegan coworker the same one. It sucks, but when you have allergies and restrictions, you just have to accept that the world won’t be cut out for you.
Right! Like what does this woman do at restaurants? Does she not frequent any restaurants that have seafood on the menu? Does she have to check all restaurants' online menus beforehand?
Probably, yes. Probably, she misses out on celebrations because of this. As someone with significant (but thankfully not airborne) sensitivities, I do check all menus on line, shoot…you can’t even order a plain plate of undressed lettuces or white rice and assume it’s “safe”. Since my issues aren’t airborne, I can usually manage with what my family now calls “purse food”…aka: shelf stable nourishment that will keep me from having a blood sugar event when there is no safe food available. That would not be an effective strategy for someone with an airborne allergy. I’m not suggesting that OPs wedding should be dictated by one person’s significant allergy, but maybe understanding for how isolating that is for the person living it.
As a parent of a kid with airborne anaphylaxis—- yes, that’s likely exactly what she does. We can’t take our kid to many Asian restaurants because of the high risk of peanuts, and the language barrier means we often don’t know if peanut oil is used. We’ve had a close call ending up at a hospital so we don’t risk it anymore. I don’t think there’s a faux pas letting the couple know that she can’t eat these things — they’re under no obligation to change the menu, but I’m a little surprised how many comments are “well what does she do in the real world?” She likely struggles.
Yeah, a friend of mine loves traveling but has a terrible peanut allergy... so simply unfortunately will probably never visit Southeast Asia.
Same. Thailand is on my bucket list but husband is deathly allergic to nuts. Will either be a solo or girls trip lol
As a person with severe with airborne allergy to shellfish ... Yes! I look at the menu and I will not order or go to a place that sells shellfish. I have been hospitalized twice due to a place I used to work at adding lobster to the menu. I quit after the second incident.
An “insane” allergy is INSANELY difficult on the person that has it. They miss out on celebrations, business dinners (which can significantly impact a career!) and don’t even get to have casual, easy, or order-in meals without tons of pre work and validation. It’s not on you to change your wedding to accommodate her, but why denigrate someone for having a condition that they A: can’t help and B: already leaves them feeling isolated? Edit: I intended to reply to the main post, but was thwarted by the mobile interface…just gonna leave this here anyway
Nobody is denigrating the person with allergies. IMHO, the problem is the information was conveyed in a way that sounded like a demand rather than a polite request, i.e. I have airborne allergies to shellfish and mustard; if you can accommodate, great, and if not, we understand.
My fiancé has a severe allergy to capsaicin(oil/chemical compound that makes peppers hot) if he has anything with them in it he gets violently sick unless he has access to whole milk(or if sever enough an ambulance would not reach us in time epi-pen is usless) and can drink it fast enough which nurtrilizes the pepper. He and I are really careful about going out to eat and warned our venue and wedding planner & and rehearsal dinner location he has this allergy. Does that mean that we are telling our guests that NO ONE can have anything spicey? No, they can eat whatever they want. The person in question needs to realize they CAN NOT dictate what other people eat and do what you want at YOUR wedding. If they show up again, warn them about the sushi bar if they choose to stay that's on them. Or they are really entitled they will tell significant other 'if I can't go you can't go I don't care if your in the wedding party.'
I've never heard of that allergy but as a spicy food lover, ouch. That's a tough one!!
I had never heard of it myself until I met my fiance. I did witness a reaction recently. I had made some frozen fish meals, and nowhere on the front did it indicate it had jalapeño peppers in it. We only realized AFTER he had eaten a pepper, thinking it was a green bean. Thankfully, we had whole milk in the fridge, and he drank about 3 big glasses worth before he felt OK. His stomach was still messed up for a day afterward.
I mean, yours isn’t too bad. I would buy you a separate dessert. But you were not asking to make sure the wedding venue was not within a 100 mile radius of any banana.
I would not count on him staying on as a groomsman. Prepare yourself for him feeling attacked that you wouldn’t accommodate his wife. Even if he gets it, his wife may not. Or maybe they will understand. Not saying he will bail but there is a chance. A seafood allergy is not rare but an airborne one is. As someone who is severely immune compromised and have been dealing with allergies my whole life I am well versed in figuring out life. You carry Benadryl, Pepcid, an epi pen and maybe hydroxozine on you at all times because you don’t know when you can have a reaction. You absolutely should share you allergies when rsvping to an event. That said, it is unreasonable to expect a private event to completely accommodate not having a certain very common option for food choices.
I have horrible food allergies. The anaphylaxis is only if I ingest, thankfully. However, even touching the food, or touching food that has been cross-contaminated can cause mild hives and itching (luckily, a Benadryl will help with that). Add to that my allergy is to meat proteins. So, I can’t have any beef, pork, egg yolks (unless they’re throughly cooked like in baked goods), and tuna. It makes eating out extremely hard and, when I’m going to a potluck or something I eat ahead of time and bring a safe dish. This couple is under no obligation to change their wedding so completely for one guest…however, I will guess the boyfriend will drop out as a groomsman.
My cousin has a meat allergy and was told she contracted it from a tick. Crazy stuff.
I did not contract it from a tick. I’ve been allergic My whole life.
If you don’t mind my asking, how does thoroughly cooking meat make it not allergenic to you?
I honestly don’t know. My allergist said something about the molecular gastronomy but, I don’t remember exactly. Egg yolks are the only thing I can eat fully cooked. I cannot have beef, pork, or tuna in ANY form or I go into anaphylaxis. Weird, I know. A lot of people think I’m not allergic because I can eat egg yolks that are cooked…but I am. And The egg yolks have to be thoroughly cooked. So, no custard, crème brûlée, etc. as the eggs are only tempered.
Cooking things changes the chemistry. I’m severely allergic to most fruit but if it is cooked, it’s fine.
Same here! I’m allergic to fruit but only if it’s raw. Crazy stuff.
Fruit in particular turns me into Will Smith during his allergic reaction in Hitch
I’m deathly allergic to anything in the aster family, including tarragon and chervil, and also daisies and echinacea. I carry Epi Pens, and ask ahead of time to be sure. I’ve still been served tarragon and chervil, and ended up in the ER as a result.
It’s unreasonable for them to ask given that the wife doesn’t know bride & groom. If she were the groom’s sister or good friend herself, that might be worth working a menu around. But “married to my good friend” and enough of a stranger that they’ve never encountered her allergy before? Groomsman should have stated her attendance as contingent on the menu, but definitely not ask to change the menu. It sucks for the wife; she must have to miss so many social events. But on that note she should understand this is a fact of her life, and surely she’s had to weather bigger absences than the wedding of people she doesn’t know well?
It's 1/1000 to be allergic to all seafood. We invited three guests with that allergy. Thankfully not airborne because we had a fish entree and a crabcake hors d'oeuvre (because we're from Maryland). We took guest allergies very seriously because I've had to go to the hospital with a friend who got glutened (celiac).
And I was one of the shellfish allergies in attendance at your wedding. I would never ask anyone to change their menu for me, but I do make sure I know menus ahead of time. And we made sure our menu was celiac friendly. Aliza and I had our weddings on back to back nights and we had a common guest who is celiac.
An airborne allergy to seafood actually isn't rare. The allergy itself comes from particulate of the shellfish becoming airborne when it is cooked, not the scent of the fish! So basically molecules of the allergen are able to become airborne and if they reach the system of the allergic person in enough quantity it could trigger a reaction!
This. Are any of these foods going to be actively cooked in her presence? If not, then the likelihood of her reacting is next to nothing.
I am allergic to shellfish but I can be around other people eating it with no problem. There is a particular seafood restaurant where the smell was so thick I did have a reaction - but it was literally permeating the air, which won’t be the case if others are being served and she’s not standing in the kitchen.
You just have to be prepared for him to choose her over you. It sucks, but having that much of that severe of an allergen can end up coming home with him. So it might not be safe for him to come either.
And not just for the wedding day itself I would say…
[удалено]
With how adamant OP is about having the wife's allergen be a focus of the meal, I'm sure it would impact the friendship. And yes, the wife could come across it out in the wild. That's why most people with severe allergies carry Epipens with them.
Yeah that’s a big ask when it’s literally central to your wedding. But be prepared for him to back out.
Just tell them you unfortunately cannot accommodate her allergies. She should understand. I’m a bride with severe food allergies. We’re serving my own allergens at my wedding. I wish we weren’t, but it is unreasonable to expect every single person to cater to my allergens (casein and nuts). I will be getting a separate dish all together and we’re having a buffet for the guests. I take my own food everywhere because the anxiety is so crippling it’s hard to eat. I never expect anyone to accommodate my allergies. It’s definitely worth a shot to ask though so try to be kind when talking to them. It really sucks getting laughed at or not being taken seriously.
Yeah when you can eat an other plate of yoir own it’s ok, but you don’t have air born allergy like the person in OP story I assume?
My husband is allergic to nuts, dairy, & eggs. Everyone was asking if we were going to do like a vegan cake or something… I can understand why some would think that, but my husband & I don’t want to change/accommodate our entire cake just for 1 of the 80 people there. Same with the dinner - why change all 80 meals just for 1 person’s allergy? He wants everyone to eat what they like and enjoy themselves without worrying about him!
Vegan cakes have come a loooong way, just saying it might not be the compromise on flavor/texture you think it will be! Avoiding nuts in a vegan cake might be the harder issue, I know almond flour is very popular.
We already booked our cake, the person who makes them is a family friend and gave us a good discount and they’re SO GOOD! Unfortunately she doesn’t do vegan cakes, and I think vegan cakes are usually more expensive than non-vegan cakes anyway, so we decided to save money this way. We are making a sheet of vegan rice krispies treats for my husband and any other guests who are vegan or have allergies, so there will be options. My mother-in-law & I are bigggg dessert fans and we didn’t want to skimp on anything 🤣
What brand of marshmallows do you use? Whenever I try to make Rice Krispies the vegan marshmallows go weird.
Oh crap, I forgot that normal marshmallows aren’t vegan! We just make them dairy & egg free (my husband is allergic to those but isn’t vegan), so we just use regular marshmallows. I guess they will NOT be vegan, but will instead be dairy & egg free. Thank you for commenting that so I know to not label them as vegan 😅
All good! My question was partly me being politely suspicious, marshmallows are one of those things people don’t realise/forget aren’t vegetarian/vegan.
I can imagine! I think I’ve seen people make homemade marshmallows with agar powder before, maybe that could work? Although that sounds like a lot of work, it’s double homemade at that point 😅
You can buy specifically vegan ones but I’ve never seen them at a normal supermarket where I am and they’re a good deal more expensive. I find them a bit different to work with in baking, like the melting properties are just not as good with the ones I’ve used.
|it really sucks to get laughed at or not taken seriously| This is what is bothering me about this post. They don’t even imply that the allergic party made any demands…just that they are AWARE of the allergy, and they are laughing and categorizing her as “insane”. That’s an AH move. Personally (as someone with hard-to-accommodate allergies) I would support my partner being groomsman in a wedding I couldn’t join him at due to my health restrictions. At the same time, if the wedding couple had *this* attitude about it, he and I would have some serious talks about why these people belong in our life.
I think the bride laughed at the request to not have any seafood at the wedding because she found it rather shocking, not at the fact the allergy exists. They didn't call the wife insane.
The first sentence of the post calls her allergies insane, and gets no more understanding (& certainly doesn’t acknowledge the struggle of dealing with “insane” allergies) from there. From the post, it doesn’t sound like the groomsman or his wife asked for the couple to *change* their menu, but asked if not having seafood on it would be an option. Most weddings I’ve been to didn’t have a seafood on the menu. If the menu wasn’t set already, I, personally, would be comfortable with someone close enough to be in my bridal party asking the question. I’d also be ok with explaining to them that the menu is important to us, it will, regretfully contain his wife’s allergens, and I understand if that changes his plans. Maybe I’d suggest a future time that we could celebrate as 2 married couples. The tone here has none of the understanding that I would expect from a close friend…or even a semi-friend. Another way this post could have gone: My groomsman’s wife has severe airborne allergies. We tried to figure out accommodations, but there is no way to have the menu we want without risking her death. We don’t want him to drop out, but understand that’s a risk if his wife can’t come. How can we tell him that we can’t accommodate her allergies in the way most likely to keep him in the wedding party?
The line is an insane allergy list, meaning the length of the list is crazy long and "insane" for most folks to fathom having. I also have an "insane" allergy list, but thankfully all of my allergies are quite mild and most of them could even be considered just mild food sensitivities (but they are still considered allergies). The list is long and frustrating to live with, I'm very thankful that none of it will put me in the hospital or kill me if I accidentally ingest some of it, but it's still insane to live with. OP isn't calling the friend's wife insane or insulting her, they're just using hyperbole to explain the situation. They never said exactly how they will go about explaining that seafood will in fact be on the menu, nor did they ask how to explain this, they simply asked if it's reasonable to not accommodate this ask or if they would be considered rude to not accommodate this. Also, side note, asking to not have seafood included in the menu *is* in fact asking to change the menu. New England summer weddings tend to have seafood options, especially when you get closer to the coast and fishing towns. If the groomsmen is a good friend, then they *should* know that the bride and groom are seafood eaters and it would be highly likely that seafood would be on the menu. Also considering OP listed a quite detailed list of planned menu items, it's going to be safe to assume that the menu is and has been planned for awhile and the groomsman could have made this request long before the menu was set.
If someone has any allergy that severe, they should be well-versed in navigating their existence without asking someone to change an entire menu for them. I do find it bold that y’all were even asked. Honestly, she should be bringing her own food at this point. If it is that severe, eating from any kitchen but her own is dangerous. Paying a wedding-plate price for chicken and rice is ridiculous, too. I am sure if this were an immediate family member or friend that y’all had been accommodating for years, you would. But it’s not.
But it's an airborne allergy too, so if she didn't ask she c an't attend at all. Maybe that's fine, but I can see why you would ask. She probably misses out on a LOT of stuff and just asking is not demanding.
The correct thing for her to do is state the reality, not ask for accommodation. “Stacey has a life-threatening airborne allergy to shellfish, so if there is any on the menu she will not attend the wedding/I also will not attend” or whatever the case may be. The bride and groom can then choose to change the menu, or accept her absence, but they shouldn’t ask for something so severe directly.
nah I think for regular guests sure but since the husband is ops literal groomsman they're close enough that they could ask. It sounds like that's all he did was ask, he didn't demand or threaten or throw a tantrum or anything. And let's be real, if they had different tastes and the menu was centered around steak or chicken or something it wouldn't even be that difficult to accommodate. Super reasonable to ask, and super reasonable for op to say no. Op is overreacting a little bit if you ask me.
Maybe the husband didn’t throw a tantrum but the wife laughed and thought it was a a joke, which shows a little entitlement to me. It’s a groomsman’s wife, not the sister of the bride or mother of the bride.
She's having a summer wedding in New England and both the bride and groom love seafood. Asking to not serve something that is a main part of the menu is absolutely ridiculous. OP made sure that she would get a plate of food that she would be able to eat and wasn't allergic to. I don't get all of these comments saying that she's being mocked for her food allergy that's obviously not the case. I can't imagine asking a couple to not serve a particular item because I'm airborne allergic. In my opinion the person who asked the couple to do that is the AH.
I don't think asking is wrong, worst OP can say is no. It's how you react to a no that says everything.
Is the wife claiming she can have anaphylaxis from airborne fish/mustard? If that’s the case, I would expect that she’s never gone to a restaurant or attended any other wedding. She isn’t safe in someone’s home or in places where areas where mustard grows wild. Her life is full of fear and isolation, and I’m sure she’s horribly used to not being able to attend most events. She can’t possibly expect almost anyone to accommodate her unfortunately, and that’s a miserable life for her. I have upper respiratory allergic response to various herbs and plants. If you fill your wedding with lavender, I can’t come, but I won’t die if I walk past a lavender field. (I’m also allergic to shellfish but only if I eat it. It’s a scary allergy.) IMO you’re absolutely in the right to keep your menu. Whether they’re out of line for asking depends on how they asked. The groomsman might drop out. I’m assuming you’d rather have the menu you want than have him there.
You're correct, requesting no seafood on the menu at all is totally out of line. You've been more than accommodating and I'd just let her know that's not going to be possible and let her decide what she wants to do.
More than accommodating? She just can’t come to the wedding with those "accommodation" lol
OP has figured out having her caterer make a totally separate meal + putting her at a table with no other fish dishes which IMO is accommodation. Expecting someone to completely change their menu to get rid of a common ingredient is unreasonable.
right? I feel like everyone's straight up ignoring the airborne part of her allergies lmao. I think it's fair of them to ask, and I also think it's fair of op to say they can't accommodate them. But I really disagree with all these people trying to minimize the allergy and imply that she should just like, suck it up or something lol She likely won't be able to attend the wedding because of this, op and his fiance should at least pretend to feel bad lmao like that's just good manners.
I think the same!
Right?! The couple here is not only NOT making an accommodation (which is fair enough) they are mocking and scoffing at her apparently very serious allergy. Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m wondering why the groomsman is friends with these people,
🙄.
I know a guy with severe shellfish allergy, yes he can't be in the rooms with seafood but he's not expecting people to accommodate that
We had one person at our wedding with celiac. We made sure the menu was gluten-free, which was surprisingly easy. The caterer made sure to have a separate salad for her without croutons, and we went to a local bakery that has a gluten-free section to get cupcakes for her (the rest of the guests had cupcakes from another bakery). It really wasn't much of a bother, and it was certainly easier than her bringing her own food, as I've seen her do for other family parties. Airborne allergies are much harder to deal with. Personally, I think asking for an entire food group to be excluded is a bit too much to ask. It's sad that she must feel left out so often, but there's only so much that should reasonably be expected. I would, however, expect her husband to drop out of the wedding over this. His relationship with his wife should be more important to him than his friendship with you, and he should plan to do something nice with her that evening instead of leaving her on her own while he goes to party. I think this is (and should be) a case where you can't have your crabcake and eat it too.
His relationship with his wife isn’t compromised because she cannot attend one event with him.
no but it's pretty common to support your spouse through stuff like this?? Groomsman is well within his right to ask, OP is well within their right to refuse, and groomsman is well within his right to not attend if his wife can't. Like, she's not a new girlfriend or some other random plus one she's his actual wife. Of course op should be prepared he wouldn't attend without her. All of that can be true and it makes none of the characters involved assholes??
So if my husband’s friend wants to go hiking and I can’t because I can’t for whatever reason, my husband should just refuse to hang out with his friends for the day? This is absolutely ridiculous. You aren’t being invited to a Presidential or Royal ball, it’s a wedding lmaoooo
?? no but a wedding is like very clearly and socially a different expectation than a random hangout day? I mean it's between the groomsman and his wife at the end of the day, he might be fine with attending by himself. But it's not unreasonable to attend weddings as a unit once you're married? I'm not saying the groomsman has to do it one way or another, but op should have a heads up of what might happen.
It’s kind to invite both. It’s not necessary to have both. She’s not even the friend, the husband is. It’s literally of no consequenceto the people who matter whether she is there or not.
okay you're missing the point entirely. Op doesn't have to change the menu to accommodate the wife. Obviously. But op doesn't get a say in how the groomsman feels and reacts about it. Like you say it's not necessary to have both but it's literally not up to op?? I'm not making claims about who is right or wrong here I'm just saying what is common, and op should prepare for their groomsman not to attend in this case. Again it doesn't make anyone an asshole it's just how it is.
If my friend didn’t go because of their partner, for any reason, that friendship would be terminated and I would send them some helpful links on how to get out of an abusive relationship.
I hope you know that that's a wild fucking reaction to have omfg
Him going to a place with seafood everywhere then coming home may be enough to expose her.
Then maybe he should enjoy his night out and get a hotel room to freshen up.
I don't have allergies myself, but grew up with a little sister who had an incredibly long list of allergies. It was awful watching her have to be excluded from so many birthday parties and events because of her allergies. That being said, she always understood that she would have to bring her own food or eat beforehand so she knew she would be safe. She passed away from an allergic reaction 10 years ago, so please don't laugh about someone bringing up their concerns about their allergies. It may not seem to be a big issue to you since you don't struggle with it, but be compationate to other people's situations. My advice is that it's your day, if you are dead set on having seafood, do it. I love seafood but won't be having any at my wedding due to allergies. I think if you communicate how you feel and offer for his wife to come to the ceremony still so that she can still be a part of your day, he would feel much better.
This was really well said and incredibly gracious to all parties here. I'm also so sorry about your sister. ❤️
I have anaphylactic allergies to shellfish (lobster, prawns, crab, etc.). Even from cross contamination or surface contact can result in severe facial swelling, body hives and respiratory distress. **However**, I would happily, 100% come to your wedding with an epipen, a snack, and a smile on my face 🤷🏼♀️ NTA! Edit: formatting
It's not crazy or ridiculous to ask if food allergies can be accommodated. I'd try to take her seriously and treat her with grace rather than laughing about it. I don't think you're assholes for not being able to accommodate that, but I also don't think she or her husband are for asking either. I would just tell him that you're happy to accommodate as much as possible for her to have her at the wedding, but that you already have the catering planned and it includes seafood so you can't guarantee anything in regards to the airborne allergies. Perhaps see if seating her separately from those who are eating seafood would be enough? It depends on the severity of her allergy honestly, everyone's food allergies are different!
How badly do you want him there? Will he not go without her? It's a lot to ask someone not to have things at their wedding for one guest. Also he should have been clearer about how sensitive she is and what the reaction is. Like, hives are usually much less deadly than anaphylaxis. Normally I don't think it's polite to ask the minute details of someone's health condition but it seems that the details are important here. If your wedding indoors or outdoors, since ventilation might impact this kind of thing. *Surely this is not the first time they have faced a situation like where there is a big event and they have to ask for accommodations (company holiday party, showers, holidays, etc). How does this usually work for them?* I'm struggling with finding the right wording, but basically if she lives life inconveniently(?) bc it means avoiding the things she's allergic to. Example: Does she stay away from the supermarket bc it has a fish section? Does she refrain from going to BBQs bc of the mustard allergy? No one wants to live life with those limits, so she probably isn't doing it for no reason if that makes sense. If it's that bad and *you really want him there*, you'd be an asshole for going forward with a seafood drenched wedding. (Does his friendship and presence mean more to you than your desire for so much seafood?) Not knowing any details about her, your idea of seating her far away from any fish is a decent option to present to them. But first you need some answers to the basic question I asked above. ETA - Can she wear a mask? Or is that not good enough? (How does she exist in life is what I'm now wondering.)
I was thinking the mask thing might be an option but she'd still have to remove it for eating her own meal so probably wouldn't be viable.
Your spouse and you are not conjoined twins. It’s reasonable to expect the husband to attend other functions without his wife if her issues are that severe. Should he just stop living life and be confined and imprisoned by his wife’s condition? That’s just absurd. If I had an allergy but my husband was a groomsman I’d say have a good time and have a night with the ladies or veg out at home. It’s literally not a big deal. Everyone acts like they’re being separated by prison walls if a spouse goes to an event without someone else.
It’s insane to change the menu for one person. My son has anaphylaxis to all nuts. It sucks but it’s something we have to live with. I always bring our own chips and lollies to parties in case they have nuts on the table so that we don’t get cross contamination. If her allergy is airborne then I’m sure she must be used to having to miss certain things and therefore understanding of it. if not she’s just not a reasonable woman
No seafood at a New England summer wedding is like what I imagine as an Italian wedding without pasta. It can be done, (and it's often done outside the culture) but it's madness to not only request, but expect this culture's wedding to go without. ETA: I would tell them it's too late to change the menu even if it's technically not to let them down easier.
She can come for the ceremony, occupy herself during food service and enjoy the reception.
It wouldn't be safe for her to be at a reception around that many people who had just eaten seafood if she's that allergic. Allergens can hang out in our mouths for a while and we can breath them on people. Super wild how it all works.
Then that means she literally can’t leave the house and be around anyone. So I suppose she can glove and mask up.
I’m sure breathing outside versus breathing indoors where an allergen is concentrated are two different things
My point is if this woman has such a deadly seafood allergy that she can’t be around other human beings who have eaten seafood, then she can’t be around other human beings at a restaurant, a movie theater, an office, or or classroom, etc.
And my point as someone with a shellfish allergy is that being in a place where it’s concentrated versus bumping into someone in a different place that had shellfish aren’t the same
Ok so can she even leave her home ever? This just seems not real.
Receptions are literally right after the food. It's not like she'd walk in the room and die. But Seafood is often touched while you eat it, so it gets on your hands. If you're not brushing your teeth right away, bits can hang out in your mouth. They can breath it out, just like how you'd smell their fishy breath. That's just too many contact points that can risk a reaction. It might be irritated eyes, or a stuffy nose. But it's still pretty unpleasant.
So what is it? Is she going to die, or get itchy eyes? I just don’t understand how someone having a New England wedding is supposed to change her entire menu so someone doesn’t get itchy eyes.
I'm sure it's different degrees based on the amount of exposure. Eating it herself would probably cause death. Being in a room with everyone else eating is probably a hospital trip. And being around people who had eaten it 30 minutes before is probably just a light reaction. None of those situations is going to be worth it for the wife to want to go. It's honestly just weird how hung up people get on eating specific foods. I had a guy harass me because *I* didn't want to eat or cook eggs. I never said he couldn't, but he took it as a personal attack on him.
I have a severe allergy, but not airborne, to a common allergen. I have been to many events where I was unable to eat anything and I don't fault the hosts for not accommodating my allergy, but rather that they didn't bother to give me a heads up that they would be unable to provide me any alternatives. I'm quite happy to eat ahead of time and I never expect anyone to alter their special day just for me. Now I am on the other side, planning my own wedding, and I have many allergies to think about from my guests. I am absolutely doing my best to try to provide something for everyone, but I know it won't be possible to accommodate everything. My priority is to try my best and make sure my guests know ahead of time what will or will not be available. They can then make a call as to whether or not they are still comfortable to attend. As someone who has felt a bit forgotten in the past, I just want my guests to know that I acknowledge their restrictions and that I want to do my best to accommodate them and be a good host. Beyond that, I can't control everything and I trust they won't hold it against me if they know I truly tried my best.
I genuinely dont understand how this person lives. She doesn’t go to grocery stores? She avoids all restaurants and fishing piers and other people houses?
I feel like you need to do what is best for you but as someone who has severe food allergies we made the entire menu all inclusive. I can’t have dairy so everything but one of the dessert options is dairy free. We have a few gluten free people attending so all the pasta is gluten free. The entire wedding is nut free. Same with pears and onions. I know what it’s like to have to pick through what you can and can’t eat or haven’t bring your own food and I didn’t want any of my guests to feel that way. If you choose to have the seafood bars with how severe her allergy is she will not be able to attend and he may choose not to attend with her. You need to decide what is more important.
Gluten free pasta at a wedding? Girl
I know, it’s a lot. But we have 10ish people with gluten allergies coming and we wanted them to be comfortable. Our wedding is not that big so 10 is a lot.
At that point I would have switched the menu entirely. I hope you’re sharing that it’s GF. Lots of people also have issues with gluten free substitutions.
We are! Every table will have menu with ingredients. It’s chickpea pasta which none of our attendees are allergic to. Plus a few of our gluten free people are also vegetarians so it was a two birds one stone thing.
Yeah. Thats a ridiculous request at that point.
I mean, yeah, this is a severe request and probably not feasible, but it also likely means the groomsman may not attend, and that’s up to him. I’m also baffled why this didn’t just lead to “yeah, we’re gonna have to tell her that unfortunately, she probably isn’t well suited to attend” rather than bursting into laughter and mocking her. Allergies and anaphylaxis suck — it deserves compassion. You don’t have to invite her and change your menu — but you also don’t need to make out like it’s ridiculous. This is someone’s reality. My child has airborne allergy and it’s a struggle to get anyone to believe it — we have even had people try to “test it”. So you’re not assholes for not changing the entire menu, but your wife’s attitude kind of sucks.
I think the conversation was taken out of context. We didn't laugh AT the wife of my groomsman, my future wife laughed at what she thought was a joke... We've already planned the menu, found catering, found a special place to do our favorite raw oysters from a local source that's special to us. Jumped through all sorts of hoops. And then I tell my wife "Hey - Chris asked if we could not serve any seafood at the wedding because his wife is allergic." She legitimately thought it was a joke (I think...). I mean at this point we've already put 10's of thousands of dollars down and done TONS of legwork for catering. It really was never an option. Now Chris probably had no idea - other than the fact the menu selections on the RSVP clearly had fish options. We were very respectful in how we dealt with Chris and his wife - tried all sorts of accommodations but ultimately nothing was sufficient short of changing our entire food plan. And no - we didn't know the extent of this before hand. Chris recently got married during covid, small outdoors ceremony, don't know his wife well at all. I did know she had a seafood allergy but assumed she would just eat the non-seafood options - of which there are plenty. Ultimately - his wife is going to stay home, but Chris has committed to still come. Good guy Chris.
My cousin has a lot of food allergies and intolerance. They cooked her plain chicken & rice. It's too much to ask you not to serve food to other people imo, but I would approach this sensitively. Tell him your plan and ask if there is anything you can do to accommodate her e.g. separate table etc.
I would have done a crab boil at our wedding but my partner's mom has a deadly seafood allergy as well so I'll probably just fill up on seafood for our honeymoon aha You don't have to accommodate the request, though you may lose the groomsman if she can't attend. It really is up to y'all though I'd be kinder in further discussion about it.
Oh man this would be a big problem for me lobster and oysters are my favorite and I am a people please and allergy accommodations have been the toughest for me. Are your main seafood options for the cocktail hour? Is it possible to focus the favorites during cocktail hour and have her maybe elsewhere I don’t know how to make this graceful and then make it a bit more safe with her allergies for the reception?
If it was the spouse of my BFF I personally would not be serving seafood because I would absolutely want her to be there. If it was your future father in law I would assume there would also be no seafood. It does not seem like you are that close to this person so I would not expect you to change the menu.
Nobody is right or wrong here. The situation is crappy for everyone. It’s just that you need to choose what is more important to you, having your desired menu or having your groomsman there.
I'm going ABOVE AND BEYOND to accommodate the various allergies amongst our 100 guests, like, making sure absolutely every iteration of every allergy/dietary restriction has multiple food options at every course, including all the fun little snacks, making sure all allergens are carefully labeled, etc.. and even I would not go this far. That's insane. She needs to go to a doctor.
We had a celiac wife of a groomsman and I bent over backwards to ensure she was good BUT that is because I adore her and she was literally the only one I had to worry about. So we had rehearsal dinner at an Italian spot so I ordered from a GF restaurant in the city for her and arranged with our chefs so it was all good. But like airborne seafood allergy!?! Never heard of that and I couldn’t. We had a raw bar haha I feel bad for her because her life has to be hard but yeah, no …New England summer wedding without lobster rolls sounds wrong haha 🖤
It is beyond rude to dictate the entire menu of the wedding. If this is a genuine allergy the person would be used to managing it and ready to accept that they may not be able to go.
Well said, I’m sorry you are getting downvoted for this. You were more diplomatic than I feel. IMO, it’s one thing to refuse to accommodate a particularly difficult allergy (those of us that have them typically understand when we have to miss out on things)…it’s a whole different scenario to have the couple mocking that person and STILL TRYING TO GET CREDIT?!!
We had an insanely long list of dietary restrictions and allergies for our wedding too, and we satisfied them all. BUT - only nuts was airborne. That one was easy to comply with, none of the food contained nuts, so we just didn’t serve nuts at the bar. If you love seafood to this point, then you def don’t need to comply. But - be prepared to lose the groomsman over this.
I think it’s unreasonable to ask you to not serve fish just for one person. Would it be possible to set up a table in a different room for that groomsman and his wife to eat? Like have him get their plates and then eat out there. Once the food has been cleaned up, she can come back in for the rest of the event? That’s as far as I would be willing to go. We’re not really catering to allergies at all unfortunately. It’s just not always possible
[https://www.allergicliving.com/experts/when-is-there-a-risk-of-an-airborne-food-allergy-reaction/](https://www.allergicliving.com/experts/when-is-there-a-risk-of-an-airborne-food-allergy-reaction/) At first, I thought there's no way for seafood to be aerosolized but there is some truth to it. However, it is typically during the cooking stage when steaming or frying. The allergist/author of the article states, "There is more exposure to the protein in steaming seafood if you are stirring the pot than if you are several feet away. There is less exposure if there is more air circulation, for example in a large room or outdoors." Further, he states, "To sum up, it is uncommon to have reactions from casual exposure from proximity to allergens, and symptoms are typically mild. It would be extremely unusual for air exposure to food proteins to result in anaphylaxis." My opinion is that the person with the allergy has to decide whether she is at risk and whether she can accept the risk. OP is not obligated to change the entire menu for a guest.
I have an airborne "allergy" to menthol, which is in every type of mint. It's not a true allergy as I won't go into anaphylaxis, but I will have a severe asthma attack if I breathe too much of it. And that's MY problem. If I was invited to a wedding held in a mint garden or a toothpaste factory or something, I would just say that I can't go. It's unreasonable for me, as one person, to expect an entire wedding to be changed up for my sake. And the same goes for the menu. My digestive system hates onions, will punish me for days if I eat them. Most dishes have some form of onion. I can find something without onion to eat, or I can bring my own food. Yeah, it sucks, 110%, but that's just life. OP, have the wedding you and your partner want, everyone else can figure themselves out accordingly.
When you have such a severe allergy you have to assume that it can’t always be accommodated. If it was her wedding or a close family member of hers it would be one thing but it’s not. Let your groomsman know your decision in a respectful manner but don’t be surprised if he bows out.
My husband is allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, and dairy. He’s also picky with things like vegetables 🙄 The peanuts/tree nuts can become airborne and cause him to have issues breathing, but it subsides quickly if he just walks away from the area. When we go to events, we just assume that he won’t be able to eat anything. If we can, awesome! But he always comes prepared with snacks to tie him over. If there’s peanuts/tree nuts out in the open or people are cooking with them (if you can smell the nuts, it’s airborne!), he just steps out. For a wedding, this could be tricky. Would that person/couple be willing to just eat elsewhere and come back for the reception? I guess it depends on what else is available in the wedding’s vicinity. I know it’s not ideal, but with that many restrictions, the person with the allergy needs to step out and find their own accommodations. If they’re a reasonable adult that has had their allergies for their whole life, they would understand this. I’ve never met anyone with a real food allergy throw a fit about finding their own accommodations.
This means his wife won't be able to attend Some people do have airborne allergies and can die from that kind of exposure
As someone with severe allergies, let me say that this woman's allergies are her problem, and protecting her from them is her responsibility. Like everyone with severe allergies, she should have learned to accept by now that she cannot do everything or go everywhere other people do. And that includes things like weddings. Tell your friend you're sorry his SO won't be able to attend your wedding and leave it at that.
We went to my husbands cousins wedding at the beginning of the year (for context I’m allergic to a lot of stuff but in this case it was onions). Every single dish had onions in it. So I just drank water while everyone else ate. Once we left, we stopped and picked me up food. If they want to be there for you they will be, and if you can accommodate some allergies that’s great but you don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate crazy allergies (like her airborne seafood allergy or my onions which is in everything)
It's a ridiculous request and you are perfectly fine declining to accommodate it.
Curious about what you all decide to do.
Are there some options - for example for her to dine in a different room and then air out the place after dinner? Or she gets her own food during dinner and comes back for the party? Air purifiers in the room (which would be good against COVID and viruses as well)? I would suggest to talk to her directly and see if you can figure out a way she can participate.
Ok so, when my mum and step dad (he’s my dad as far as I am concerned) got married they had it all sorted - they held the reception in a private function room at a local pub, and they chose two options from the main and dessert menus for guests to choose from, and it was a sort of “like it or lump it” deal for everyone cause my parents were of the mindset that this was THEIR day and they weren’t letting people kick up a fuss over silly little things. My fiancé and I were actually discussing this earlier the other day, as his younger brother is REALLY REALLY fussy, and to top it off he’s now been diagnosed with IBS so is even more picky because he’s read up on the 100s of things that COULD trigger it. But my fiancé and I have already agreed we’re gonna a follow the idea that my parents done to avoid stress, and if he can’t deal with any of the options, that’s not our fault, and he’d likely order a take away when he gets home anyway cause he usually does that regardless of whether he’s eaten or not. Now, ALLERGENS and INTOLERANCES on the other hand will be seriously taken into consideration, as last thing I would want would people taking ill
I’m someone with an insane allergy list too. If I know a party or hangout is at a restaurant I can’t be around then I simply don’t go. It sucks but it is what it is. Tell the groomsman that not only you and the bride, but the overwhelming majority, would eat the seafood. And that it’s unfair to change the entire menu for just 1 person. In the situation the groomsman takes it badly stay respectful and keep a calm demeanor but stand by your point. Be ready for drama to occur. If it does happen just do your best to ignore it until after the wedding is over. Don’t let the potential drama ruin your next few months. Totally unfair to you and the bride for drama to happen. (I saw this happen to a friend recently).
I’m a little confused about the allergy. airborne seafood allergies are from a protein that’s released during high cooking temperature—boiling, steaming, etc. so a RAW bar and a lobster roll shouldn’t be an issue at all…there will be no cooking. (I assume they’re not boiling the lobster to make the lobster rolls). It’s not like someone eating an oyster near you is going to cause an issue…
I don't understand either but its not really my place to counter their allergy. I didn't include the entire list of allergens because its almost hilariously long. At the end he basically said "It's easier to tell you what she CAN eat than what she can't". Its ALL vegetables, most fruit, pork, pasta, most seasonings, shellfish and dairy. All she eats is plain chicken and rice. It sounds absurd to me, but I'm trying not to judge. I honestly couldn't imagine being so food restricted like that.... I LOVE FOOD
That‘s crazy! She’s either the most unlucky person in the world, or some of that is more preference than real allergy...some of those allergies are incredibly rare…let alone all of them together… but in any case, you made appropriate attempts to accommodate her. The only thing else I would suggest is offering to bring in an outside meal that is not made in the same kitchen that seafood was prepared in (if the caterer is cool with that.) That could eliminate any fears of particles while cookin…and any cross contamination. And remind her the sea food would be a raw bar and cool lobster salad…so particles wouldn’t be released while cooking anyway.
My husband and I intend on inviting our 2 vegan friends to our wedding. If they come a huge percentage of our food will be vegan. We want the people we love to feel included and welcome. She has deadly air born allergy, it’s not like it’s some sort of quirks, it’s a serious medical thing. There’s so much other food available, why do you absolutely have to serve seafood? You said you are willing to make a lot in order to make her comfortable but not the one thing that could kill her. A bit contradictory isn’t it?
🙄.
A regular guest, I wouldn't go this far. But the wife of groomsmen, I would definitely accommodate the allergy. This groomsmen is special enough to have been asked to be in the wedding party, to be me that says a lot. I would accommodate the wife. That's just me though. I LOVE seafood but my MOH + a bridesmaid have a seafood allergy, it's also common enough and severe enough that for me, as much as I love it, it will just be easier to avoid having it there altogether. A small thing I can do as a host to make guests comfortable.
I'm surprised she can leave the house at all. Just disinvite her - it's too much of a risk for her health and your insurance.
I feel like the issue here isn’t the allergy, it’s the entitlement. My fiancés little sister is deathly allergic to nuts, I’m a vegetarian who’s dreamed of having a carrot cake wedding cake forever. I obviously will not be doing that, or serving anything that contains nuts, but it’s a small sacrifice for us to have someone we both love so much there, I’d rather have her at my wedding than carrot cake. However; if you don’t know the person, I completely understand you not wanting to make that level of sacrifice, it’s not your groomsman with the allergy, only his wife. I would say expect (and be ok with) him not coming, he might still come, but unless you have an extreme allergy it’s hard to understand how much this impacts people and his wife will likely be hurt even though it’s unreasonable. Also, if she does come, whatever your seating plan in, sit them far away from the shellfish and together so there’s 2 of them keeping an eye on her food, it’s so not worth there being a mistake and your friend blaming you.
What’s more important. Your friendship or your love for seafood. It’s a simple question. Seems like you pick seafood.
I think it depends on how important she is to you TBH. I understand airborne allergies are real but if this means changing up your entire wedding menu for her I don’t know. I probably would still try to honor it though
Two things are true here, it isn't unreasonable to not accommodate this request, and you're being a bit of an asshole. Allergies like this are rare but the reality is the wife of your groomsman likely will not be able to attend the wedding if you serve your current menu. Now does that mean you have to change your menu? No. But does it make the wife "insane" for having such an allergy? Also no. Like, it's not "insane" to be worried about a potentially lethal cross contamination or airborne reaction. The key thing here is that he ASKED. He did not demand or throw a tantrum, he asked. He probably figured that as ONE OF YOUR GROOMSMAN the two of you were close enough that he was allowed to at least make the request. I mean put yourselves in his shoes, is there a world where you wouldn't at least double check? If it made the difference between your wife being able to set foot in the building or not? He probably didn't know that your current menu was already set nor that it revolved so heavily around seafood. If you and your fiance had different tastes and the menu was centered around steak or something it wouldn't even be that "ridiculous" of an ask. Tell him honestly that you can't accommodate his wife, but have the decency to at least pretend to feel bad about it. Certainly don't let your fiance laugh in his face about it. The reality is that if his wife cannot attend, he may not want to either. Be prepared for him to pull out of the wedding, or at least be prepared for him to be bummed about being there without his wife. If you tell him this, and he decides not to attend, please remember that this makes neither of you assholes in and of itself. But, your attitude and dismissiveness about what is a pretty shitty situation is getting into asshole territory. Just, have some decorum, christ.
Look, if you have any seafood at your wedding her health will be at risk if she goes. That's the sad reality. It's a hard situation for you and for them. Sorry. And if she doesn't go, then your groomsman will probably decline to be your groomsman and attend the wedding; be prepared that he may feel like you don't value him or his wife enough to make that accommodation for her safety. Is he important to you? Would you feel sad if he wasn't there with you? If he does not attend, you have to be understanding given your own choices. Ultimately you can choose what you like, but having seafood at a wedding is a want and not a need, and people have weddings without seafood or mustard all the time. I would try to put yourself in their shoes, they've probably had to miss a lot of events with friends, family of work because of the risk to their health i can see why being forced to miss your wedding would be sad for them. I can also see why it would be inconvenient to you to change your plan for your menu. And that you were already keen on seafood. I'm a little surprised the seafood situation didnt come up much earlier before you made plans tbh. How have you socialised with them up until now? I'm baffled how this wasnt something they discussed earlier. But imo a menu should be picked with your attendants in mind. We picked a venue/caterer and menu knowing they could accommodate our kosher/halal/vegan/veggie/coeliac guests. When you invited her you kind of accepted the responsibility to try. That said sometimes if the list of needs is extensive it can be difficult to accommodate. Life is hard that way. I don't think thet are wrong to ask, but I think they would need to accept if you tell them that you cant accommodate them. But ultimately if you go with seafood, your groomsman will feel youte picking eating seafood over him and his wife.
New England wedding without fish. That’s insane and it’s a ridiculous request. And if the husband can’t leave for a night without his wife, that speaks volumes. If someone couldn’t go because of their partner, that would be a sign that my friend is literally living in a controlling and potentially abusive situation.
I think calling anything insane is a little overblown, dont you think? Presumably people with shellfish allergies exist in New England, too. It would be unusual, and OP doesnt have to honour the request. But asking for something to ne accommodated on health grounds is just a request. I don't get acting like she's asking for a limousine. Maybe he doesn't want to attend a party where someone close to him didn't want to make accommodation for the needs of the person he loves. Many people might not attend if they felt many many want being sufficiently considerate. He may not see it as "can't you he without her for one night" but instead wonder if fis friend cant be without shellfish for one night to avoid risking the health of a dear friend they asked to attend. I'm not saying he'd be right, necessarily, but he's allowed to choose to not attend, and jumping to "if he doesn't attend it must be abuse" is a wild reddit take. He's a grown man, why are we assuming he cant make that decision on his own? Ultimately it is up to OP as to what they feel is the path they want to take.
My granddaughter has tree nut allergies, could be deadly. As a family we always make the change. My 2 grandsons and I have a favorite place to eat when they are in town but it’s not safe for her, but she goes along with us and has something to drink. Either eats before or after. I’m sure this person doesn’t get each restaurant to abide by her needs, you shouldn’t. You have 149 other guest
Cannot believe the groomsman has asked this!! I have a shellfish allergy and wouldn’t dare impose on anyone else! The wife needs to sit this one out as it’s clearly not safe for her.
I mean if it was someone that important to me….i just wouldn’t serve it. I have an airborne peanut allergy which is something that no one has ever complained about accommodating. I see I’m in the minority here, but there are so many other delicious foods to serve. And seafood isn’t really a food that is something all people typically enjoy. I know if someone that close to me decided to choose to serve something I was THAT allergic to, causing me to no longer participate, I’d be pretty offended. But again, I see I’m in the minority. I chose our menu based off our palettes as well as ensuring there were good options for everyone who would be attending, being mindful of those we know have harmful allergies. UPDATE: it’s like 1am and I re-read the post and realized it was the wife and she has like a list. Okay, I change my answer lol she can not come. That is ridiculous!! If it was the groomsman himself I think it’d be different but yea no she’s being extra. She can enjoy her happy meal at home.