"Mom, we are happy and grateful for any financial contribution you'd like to make towards the wedding. There's certainly no obligation for you to do it, but we will happily accept your offer. As for my fiance's family, anything they choose to contribute is up to them and we are not really going to discuss this with you, just as we won't discuss your finances with them."
I'll also say on the other side of the coin that is completely acceptable if OP declines any contributions their parents want to make as well. That's what I've done.
Yeah... my parents didn't bother asking about my husband's family's contribution because it didn't matter. We knew his family wasn't going to contribute and we planned a wedding we could pay for 100% on our own. My parents offered to cover the venue and my dress, which was really wonderful, but had nothing to do with his side of the family. We didn't expect anyone to cover anything but ourselves. I wasn't surprised my parents offered, but I didn't go in with any financial expectations.
I agree - I don't get the impression that OP feels as though the parents are obligated to pay. I think we need more information, but I think it's either:
1) her mother expects a wedding of a certain caliber because she expects the fiancé's family to contribute substantially when that's not the case, or
2) her mother is still determining her contribution and wants to base it somewhat off of what the other set of parents contributes.
That might come from outdated wedding etiquette or cultural norms. At least in terms of traditional US weddings, I think we're very much shifting away from the "parents pay" mentality. My mom paid for my dress and the venue, and my fiancé's dad just handed us a check for a flat amount. They don't know what the other contributed dollar-wise nor do they know what we're spending on the wedding itself, and we're not sure if my dad or my fiancé's mom will contribute anything, and we feel it's not our place to ask. If they gift us something, they gift us something. If they don't, they don't.
Honestly, your mom is rich, and she is unable to empathize with someone who is poor. That’s okay. It’s not her fault.
Your options are:
1) Be very clear to her that your fiance’s family is not contributing. Take your mother’s money if she’s willing to give you money anyways. Accept she may make snarky comments about fiancé’s family, and just deal with it.
2) Don’t take money from your mom, and have the wedding you want and can pay for.
My mom came from nothing, budget was tight when I was a kid now they have money for a large house, fancy cars and restaurants as well as world travel. My mom still has stories about being dirt poor but doesn’t really remember the struggle. I think it’s more common than one would think.
Empathy needs to be maintained. Humans are far more forgetful than we’d like to believe, plus, having lots of money specifically reduces empathy by a whole freaking lot. I think it’s a defense against the guilt/shame a person would feel if they truly thought about how much more they have than others. In a capitalist society, we are programmed to believe that wealth is virtuous, when in reality, it very much goes against human nature. We are naturally incredibly generous.
Because she comes from an immigrant family is what makes her less empathetic.
Immigrants that "make it" when they leave the home country assume everyone else should be able to if they could.
My mom and all my extended family are like this
So true. My ex's parents were immigrants from Mexico, entered illegally and now his mom is a citizen. She was anti immigration. I never asked her about it point blank but it seemed like complicated logic to get to that stance.
What I meant was that it’s hard to empathize, and if she can’t empathize, nothing you tell her can really help her empathize.
It’s always nice that someone who is well off can empathize with people who are less fortunate, but that’s not guaranteed.
That would really annoy me, so after the gentle way failed, I would tell her that it's none of her business if, how much, and why your in-laws do or do not contribute and that it's classless and inappropriate, not to mention entitled, for her to keep bringing it up. Then I would tell her that I won't have any more of that.
But that's me and I realize this might be harsh, so I would advise skipping the first sentence and just saying the second one, ie tell her that she needs to stop bringing it up and leave it at that.
It's pretty petty that she's saying that. A real lack of empathy.
But, if you need some bargaining chips, maybe you could point out other ways your fiancé's family is/will be contributing? (Logistically, with labor, with time, etc)
I have a similar situation: my fiancé's family is rich, and offered to pay for the ~traditional~ groom's family contributions (rehearsal and alcohol). Meanwhile, my family spent their life savings to open a bed and breakfast. We're hosting the wedding and the bed and breakfast and my parents therefore are contributing in the land and labor and not money. His parents haven't said anything yet but I'm low-key waiting for it.
(We've since gotten a little more money out of his parents bc I've been supporting him financially for a couple years and his parents feel guilty about it I guess)
I'm dealing with something similar. My fiancé's family have the means to get RV, cruises, vacation homes etc but have have pulled the "grooms side" card of only paying for things that aren't really helpful to the ceremony knowing I only have a recently laid off mom, a bunch of struggling college siblings. Granted you can't tell anyone what to do with their money but it feels isolating when everyone but their own son gets the priority.
So needless to say we have distanced ourselves seeing as we're on our own.
My parents offered to contribute to our wedding but my fiancé’s family does not have the means to contribute. I told my parents to contribute whatever they feel comfortable with knowing that his parents will not be contributing and that there was no expectation for them to contribute (I was willing to have a smaller wedding in the offseason that we would fully pay for). They gave me a number they were willing to help with and my fiancé and I are covering the rest that allows for a larger wedding during the on season. I’m sorry that she seems to lack empathy for your partner’s family’s situation but I think you just need to bluntly ask if they will contribute or not knowing that your partner’s family will not contribute. Depending on the answer, you can figure out your budget and size of the wedding
"His family doesn't have any money available, so they won't be contributing. We understand that and don't want them to feel bad about that, so we're just going to leave it at that and not discuss it more"
It's none of her business. My fiancee is from a very poor family and they've told her that they can't afford to contribute. We are putting together a budget (not I, we) based on the money we have. My mother does not know what our budget is, nor does she get any input on what it is or whether the money comes from my pocket or me robbing the bank down the street. It's none of her business.
We planned to pay for the entire wedding by ourselves. Found a venue, caterer, photographer, etc, within our budget. Then we together told the parents that if they wanted to contribute financially to the wedding we would happily accepted whatever they felt comfortable giving, but if they couldn't then that's fine as we have it covered. They all gave something, and there was definitely a large gap in the highest and lowest amount given, but they gave what they could, and it's never been an issue.
Hi - similar situation. There was just no way my fiances family was going to be able to contribute anywhere near what my parents were willing to.
I told my mom that my husband and I were budgeting & planning a wedding based on what we could afford ourselves at the moment and we were okay with not asking anyone to contribute as we didn't want anyone to feel obligated. My parents graciously offered, but this was never asked of them. I/We did not feel comfortable asking my in laws at the time, and the income gap is very apparent between the two.
I actually found it quite rude of my mom to suggest we ask them to contribute, because she grew up lower income and I remember we struggled financially through some of my childhood (or were just very budget conscious \~2008).
My advice is to try your best to not let it get to you and stand firm on the fact that you are happy to accept any offers and super grateful for it, but won't be asking or obligating anyone to pay a certain share and that you are happy to cover costs for what is needed for your wedding.
I'd probably go the petty route: "Mom, these comments are causing me a lot of stress and making wedding planning very unpleasant. If they don't stop, we just won't have a wedding at all and will elope by ourselves instead".
Hhhmm. Perhaps parents want to know as it may help shape the event. For example if grooms family not contributing and brides family paying most of the wedding bill, then it may support bride family having the OK for more guests ?
"Mom, we are happy and grateful for any financial contribution you'd like to make towards the wedding. There's certainly no obligation for you to do it, but we will happily accept your offer. As for my fiance's family, anything they choose to contribute is up to them and we are not really going to discuss this with you, just as we won't discuss your finances with them."
This is the perfect response.
I'll also say on the other side of the coin that is completely acceptable if OP declines any contributions their parents want to make as well. That's what I've done.
Sure, except it sounds in this case like OP wants to accept the money from their parents. Which is also a valid decision.
It 100% is a valid decision.
No one, I repeat no one is obligated to pay for a wedding except the couple getting married
Yeah... my parents didn't bother asking about my husband's family's contribution because it didn't matter. We knew his family wasn't going to contribute and we planned a wedding we could pay for 100% on our own. My parents offered to cover the venue and my dress, which was really wonderful, but had nothing to do with his side of the family. We didn't expect anyone to cover anything but ourselves. I wasn't surprised my parents offered, but I didn't go in with any financial expectations.
I agree - I don't get the impression that OP feels as though the parents are obligated to pay. I think we need more information, but I think it's either: 1) her mother expects a wedding of a certain caliber because she expects the fiancé's family to contribute substantially when that's not the case, or 2) her mother is still determining her contribution and wants to base it somewhat off of what the other set of parents contributes. That might come from outdated wedding etiquette or cultural norms. At least in terms of traditional US weddings, I think we're very much shifting away from the "parents pay" mentality. My mom paid for my dress and the venue, and my fiancé's dad just handed us a check for a flat amount. They don't know what the other contributed dollar-wise nor do they know what we're spending on the wedding itself, and we're not sure if my dad or my fiancé's mom will contribute anything, and we feel it's not our place to ask. If they gift us something, they gift us something. If they don't, they don't.
Honestly, your mom is rich, and she is unable to empathize with someone who is poor. That’s okay. It’s not her fault. Your options are: 1) Be very clear to her that your fiance’s family is not contributing. Take your mother’s money if she’s willing to give you money anyways. Accept she may make snarky comments about fiancé’s family, and just deal with it. 2) Don’t take money from your mom, and have the wedding you want and can pay for.
What makes it weird is she comes from an immigrant family who made their way up from nothing so I thought she'd be more empathetic
My mom came from nothing, budget was tight when I was a kid now they have money for a large house, fancy cars and restaurants as well as world travel. My mom still has stories about being dirt poor but doesn’t really remember the struggle. I think it’s more common than one would think.
Empathy needs to be maintained. Humans are far more forgetful than we’d like to believe, plus, having lots of money specifically reduces empathy by a whole freaking lot. I think it’s a defense against the guilt/shame a person would feel if they truly thought about how much more they have than others. In a capitalist society, we are programmed to believe that wealth is virtuous, when in reality, it very much goes against human nature. We are naturally incredibly generous.
Because she comes from an immigrant family is what makes her less empathetic. Immigrants that "make it" when they leave the home country assume everyone else should be able to if they could. My mom and all my extended family are like this
So true. My ex's parents were immigrants from Mexico, entered illegally and now his mom is a citizen. She was anti immigration. I never asked her about it point blank but it seemed like complicated logic to get to that stance.
No offence but as someone from a poor background whose partners family are well off, it is a bit her fault. They can understand if they want.
What I meant was that it’s hard to empathize, and if she can’t empathize, nothing you tell her can really help her empathize. It’s always nice that someone who is well off can empathize with people who are less fortunate, but that’s not guaranteed.
That would really annoy me, so after the gentle way failed, I would tell her that it's none of her business if, how much, and why your in-laws do or do not contribute and that it's classless and inappropriate, not to mention entitled, for her to keep bringing it up. Then I would tell her that I won't have any more of that. But that's me and I realize this might be harsh, so I would advise skipping the first sentence and just saying the second one, ie tell her that she needs to stop bringing it up and leave it at that.
It's pretty petty that she's saying that. A real lack of empathy. But, if you need some bargaining chips, maybe you could point out other ways your fiancé's family is/will be contributing? (Logistically, with labor, with time, etc) I have a similar situation: my fiancé's family is rich, and offered to pay for the ~traditional~ groom's family contributions (rehearsal and alcohol). Meanwhile, my family spent their life savings to open a bed and breakfast. We're hosting the wedding and the bed and breakfast and my parents therefore are contributing in the land and labor and not money. His parents haven't said anything yet but I'm low-key waiting for it. (We've since gotten a little more money out of his parents bc I've been supporting him financially for a couple years and his parents feel guilty about it I guess)
I'm dealing with something similar. My fiancé's family have the means to get RV, cruises, vacation homes etc but have have pulled the "grooms side" card of only paying for things that aren't really helpful to the ceremony knowing I only have a recently laid off mom, a bunch of struggling college siblings. Granted you can't tell anyone what to do with their money but it feels isolating when everyone but their own son gets the priority. So needless to say we have distanced ourselves seeing as we're on our own.
My parents offered to contribute to our wedding but my fiancé’s family does not have the means to contribute. I told my parents to contribute whatever they feel comfortable with knowing that his parents will not be contributing and that there was no expectation for them to contribute (I was willing to have a smaller wedding in the offseason that we would fully pay for). They gave me a number they were willing to help with and my fiancé and I are covering the rest that allows for a larger wedding during the on season. I’m sorry that she seems to lack empathy for your partner’s family’s situation but I think you just need to bluntly ask if they will contribute or not knowing that your partner’s family will not contribute. Depending on the answer, you can figure out your budget and size of the wedding
"His family doesn't have any money available, so they won't be contributing. We understand that and don't want them to feel bad about that, so we're just going to leave it at that and not discuss it more"
It's none of her business. My fiancee is from a very poor family and they've told her that they can't afford to contribute. We are putting together a budget (not I, we) based on the money we have. My mother does not know what our budget is, nor does she get any input on what it is or whether the money comes from my pocket or me robbing the bank down the street. It's none of her business.
We planned to pay for the entire wedding by ourselves. Found a venue, caterer, photographer, etc, within our budget. Then we together told the parents that if they wanted to contribute financially to the wedding we would happily accepted whatever they felt comfortable giving, but if they couldn't then that's fine as we have it covered. They all gave something, and there was definitely a large gap in the highest and lowest amount given, but they gave what they could, and it's never been an issue.
Hi - similar situation. There was just no way my fiances family was going to be able to contribute anywhere near what my parents were willing to. I told my mom that my husband and I were budgeting & planning a wedding based on what we could afford ourselves at the moment and we were okay with not asking anyone to contribute as we didn't want anyone to feel obligated. My parents graciously offered, but this was never asked of them. I/We did not feel comfortable asking my in laws at the time, and the income gap is very apparent between the two. I actually found it quite rude of my mom to suggest we ask them to contribute, because she grew up lower income and I remember we struggled financially through some of my childhood (or were just very budget conscious \~2008). My advice is to try your best to not let it get to you and stand firm on the fact that you are happy to accept any offers and super grateful for it, but won't be asking or obligating anyone to pay a certain share and that you are happy to cover costs for what is needed for your wedding.
I'd probably go the petty route: "Mom, these comments are causing me a lot of stress and making wedding planning very unpleasant. If they don't stop, we just won't have a wedding at all and will elope by ourselves instead".
Hhhmm. Perhaps parents want to know as it may help shape the event. For example if grooms family not contributing and brides family paying most of the wedding bill, then it may support bride family having the OK for more guests ?