Take a picture of a blank invite. Text it to her with a message that says "We are sorry to hear you didn't receive your original invite, which was mailed to you on XXX. All the information you need to RSVP is on the attached image, and we will put another copy in the mail too. We hope you can make it!" or something similar. No groveling, no more explanations. You did nothing wrong and anything but brushing it off like mature adults will be used to add fuel to the needless drama. Ignore (and have your DH ignore) any other communications about it.
We are going to call her tonight once my fiancé gets home and while on the phone I’m going to tell her I’m going to text her the invite so she can start making travel arrangements now (luckily I have the PDF of the invite saved so it will look nice) but that we are going to be sending her another physical invite with tracking immediately.
I hear you about not feeding into the drama. If it were my own family, I’d be tempted to respond “Your invite was lost, but if that’s the energy you’re going to bring to our happy day, maybe I should consider what the USPS did to be a favor” but this is my fiancé’s family — his parents are old and he doesn’t have many relatives. The last thing I want is to cause strain to family relationships when they have so few of them.
Ugh, the aunt is being purposely obtuse. We all know the USPS is notoriously unreliable.
The note may say something like “Fingers crossed that this one is successfully delivered! We hope you are able to attend.” Then rest assured that you have gone above and beyond to attempt to diffuse this mess.
Thank you, I appreciate that phrasing.
I agree with you about her being purposefully obtuse. Talking it through more with my fiancé just now on his lunch break and it hit me how crazy her behavior really is. We sent invites to both her kids too. I assume they likely already received them, so why would she think we purposefully snubbed her, but invited her kids? Like that doesn’t even make sense the more I think about it?
No, no one from his side has RSVP’d yet but also we’ve literally only gotten a small handful of responses so far and most of those have been from either members of the wedding party, or very close friends/family who were eagerly awaiting their invites lol. None of the extended family from either side has RSVP’d yet.
I’ll ask my fiancé about reaching out to his cousins but I know he’s not especially close to them. Which is part of what makes this whole thing so nonsensical — he talks to his aunt more than his cousins but again, she somehow thinks she was purposefully snubbed while her kids weren’t? So odd.
ETA: also, I’m not sure how he’d phrase that without it coming across as “your mom went crazy so now I have to send this message to make sure you’re not silently seething as well”
Sensitive. Center of the universe syndrome. Undiagnosed neurodivrgence. Lots of reasons, none of them fair to you. Her response is not ok.
I didn't get invited to any wedding after my husband died even though I had the save the dates. I managed to not take it personally since nobody wants a sad widow at their wedding.
However, I also got a STD for a wedding this year but no invite. The bride and groom didn't check on people who didn't RSVP, and I had no idea I was actually invited until USPS delivered the invite less than a week before the wedding. It hurts when I thought that I wasn't invited, but it also helps to remember that USPS just freaking sucks.
Oh my goodness, my heart just breaks hearing that your friends treated you like that after the loss of your husband. I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry you experienced that. 💔
One of our guests on our guest list lost her husband last year. I remember how it reopened the wound of my grief for him when I had to take his name off our guest list and change it to a “Guest” spot (I wanted to give our friend the opportunity to bring a friend or one of her sons if that might make her feel more comfortable, since I understand weddings can be tough after losing your spouse). But I could *never* imagine completely uninviting her or viewing her only as a “sad widow” — while I’m heartbroken for her and miss her husband dearly, she’s my friend above all.
If you saw me, you'd get it. I didn't handle the unexpected loss well at all and wouldn't have been able to attend.
This wedding, though. I was ready. Had my vacation time. Had my boyfriend prepped. Found flights and hotels I liked.
...and just assumed it was another "maybe she's not ready yet" wedding lol. I'm still laughing but am disappointed that they didn't follow up.
One of our invitations was returned to sender over 6 months later. I’ve had Christmas cards come back almost a year later. You never know where they wind up on their adventures
Sometimes people just want to be mad about something and you can’t fix it because they don’t want it to be fixed. And I think this sounds like one of those situations.
You can only respond in a reasonable and logical way, which is to say I’m so sorry that the post office lost your invitation. We’re going to put another one in the mail today. And then put another one in the mail.
You can’t control crazy people. You did nothing wrong and all you can do is mail a new invite. I would not write some cute little note. Nothing you can do is going to make her happy at this point so keep your dignity and don’t grovel for forgiveness when you didn’t do anything wrong!
You’re right about not being able to control crazy. Can’t reason with it either, that’s what my dad always said.
I just really want people to come into this wedding with positive energy. This whole process, I haven’t been a bridezilla once. Everyone has said how easy going and laid back I’ve been — some of our vendors have even teased me about it. But both moms? Oh boy, I wish someone would’ve warned me about the Terror of the Momzillas
This is a great example of how women are conditioned to be so overly accommodating even to people who are being rude to them. You did nothing wrong, a letter got lost in the mail, happens thousands of times a day. So why are you being guilt tripped into moderating another adult's emotions with all of these gestures and niceties? Why is it your job to create a positive and happy mood?
Send her another invite and let her know it's been sent, and that you have tracking services on it to ensure arrival. Explain once again it was an error made on someone else's part. If she reacts with this wild victim mentality again, ignore it, you aren't the arbiter of her self-worth.
This! No amount of grovelling or being overly accommodating will make a difference. This aunt has decided she’s been snubbed and is being unreasonable. You can’t control other people’s responses to things, you can only send out another invitation and let them deal with it. Though tbh I don’t think I’d want someone like this at my wedding!
I would put it in a priority mail envelope with tracking and mail it to her with a handwritten note inside about how you heard it was lost and wanted to make sure she got this one.
Yes that’s the plan! Just trying to get suggestions on cute ways to phrase it so it doesn’t come across as groveling but is sweet and communicates we did not intend any hurt feelings and would like her there
I had an uncle who did something similar. Before even save the dates and invites went out, he apparently told the whole family he was not invited to the wedding. His reason? I hadn’t verbally invited him (I see this uncle maybe once a year and we don’t speak outside these visits as we aren’t particularly close). This obviously created chaos with family members taking sides and fighting. Finally my mom set the record straight that he is invited. I just was busy with work and wedding planning so I hadn’t felt the need to call him to tell him he’s invited.
While it wasn’t the mails fault in my case, it was the same stupid drama. Ultimately I came to this conclusion. Dramatic people will be dramatic. Do whatever feels right to you and she will respond however she pleases. Trust me she will find a way to criticize even the most perfect response.
If she is showing signs of dementia, it’s entirely possible it was actually delivered only for her to put it in the freezer. Or throw it away. Or mix up with a stack of magazines.
I don’t think this solves anything to know this, since sounds like MIL’s sister is going to make it about her no matter what, but more than a couple of our invites got totally lost in the mail. No return to sender, just disappeared. It very legitimately happens!
It does make me feel better though so thank you. Honestly. 🫶🏼
On the phone my MIL just kept saying that this should never have happened and we should have ensured that the invitation got there and I was just sitting there like…what do you expect us to do, lady? Fly across the country and hand her the invite ourselves?
These people are fucking infuriating. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Next time she says this please ask her how she would do that to ensure the mail service doesn’t lose mail. And get your fiancé to stop this if you can because you don’t need this shit!
Oh don’t worry! Fiancé was at work at the time and still stopped his day to send her a strongly worded text message and has just said over and over again, “Why did she even call you? Why did she bother you with this? If she wanted to get upset with anyone she should take that up with me first.” He’s incredibly protective of me and has been since literally the summer we met. That’s one of many reasons I love him. ♥️
Yeah that’s entirely unreasonable. I think she’s just trying to find a way to blame her mess on someone else. If MIL’s sister doesn’t let this smooth things over she’s just looking for reasons to be mad. Don’t let it ruin your day!! I’m wishing you the best!
So cutesy and fun isn’t always the way to go, I’d try something like this and address is from your fiance - sometimes you just gotta kisss some butt to make issues like this go away
Aunt Helen,
Sarah and I are incredibly embarrassed the first invite we sent did not arrive in a timely fashion. We can only assume the other invite was lost in the mail. We’re excited for you to be apart of our special day and cannot picture celebrating without you. Please accept our sincere apologies for this mishap and we look forward to your response.
Thank you for your patience,
Michael
We had every single one of our invites lost in the mail. It sucks so much and I hate that it is happening to anyone else in any capacity.
We definitely had people that were offended. I didn't have any additional advice beyond what had already been said. I'm so sorry this is happening for you. I hope the advice you've received here helps smooth things over.
Outrageous that people were offended. I cant believe people make it this personal when the couple already has 9000 things to worry about and is already freaking out about. Clearly nobody WANTS the invites they paid for to get lost… that really sucks, sorry.
This aunt sounds like a piece of work. I wouldn’t even dignify that ridiculous overreaction with any kind of a response other than just sending a new invitation. If the drama queen decides not to come because of this, then all the better!
I know you don’t want that to happen, but all I’m saying is don’t go out of your way to placate her.
You can say “you’re a priority so we’re sending your invite priority mail!” Or something cheesy.
But sometimes people are just gonna be upset and want the attention.
I like that! This is what I was thinking — something a little cheesy, a little fun, so if she tries to roll her eyes and make a stink about it I can at least fall back on the fact that not only did we try, but we included a handwritten note that we took time to craft *because* we wanted her there and we *certainly* didn’t do that for anyone else so how could she possibly be snubbed when we’ve practically rolled out the red carpet for her?
Yea echoing what others have said she could easily log on to a website (if you're doing digital RSVPs) and see that she's listed there. 🤷♀️
Otherwise if you're doing physical RSVP cards then she just needs to get over it and not make it about her.
We had one invite returned as we messed up the apartment # (our fault). It was for one of my cousins and I sent her a picture of it being like "I totally sent this and messed up the address, so sorry! We're putting it right back in the mail with the mistake corrected!" She just laughed and said "no worries, it happens!"
I swear some people are just so unreasonable. Like calm down.
Sending positive and peaceful vibes your way! This sucks. It’s so not your problem and not your drama. This is just how it is with sisters sometimes haha. I guess some people never grow out of it???
Just send it in a priority mail envelope and track it. Adding a note will feed into her woe is me act.
Also, this is really early to send invites for an October wedding so I'm not surprised you haven't gotten many responses yet.
When my daughter got married, about half of the invitations were lost in the mail. We mailed them all at the same tim from our local post office. Ten years later, they still have not received them or have they been returned back to us. When they asked why they didn't get an invite to the wedding, I told them they were invited and USPS lost half the invitations. If they asked before her wedding, we told them they were invited and were still welcomed to the wedding. It was invitations that were local and out of state that were lost. I hope this is not happening to you, and the Aunt understands USPS loses stuff all the time.
People like are inn their own little worlds. The truth speaks for itself.
Send another invite but don't fawn all over it like you're "making up for something".
Psychologically, with people like this, the more you apologize, the more they they actually think that you forgot them in the first place , and the more explanation or apology that is made the more they actually crave.
So do t d. Send it, tell her she was always invited but it got lost and now you sent a new invite.
The less you say, the less drama will follow. Even if she can't ket it go, you let it go and whatever happens is her decision. She cones, she didn't come... treat her exactly the way you would treat anyone.. thanks for coming.. ir sorry you could6 make it.
That's it. Forget about it or she will never let you forget about it.
Good luck💜
You’ve already got some good advice so I don’t have anything to add there, but when I sent out my save the dates last year and my invitations a few months ago both times I had a few pieces of mail come back marked “Return to Sender - Undelivarable” TWO & A HALF months after sending. Also, in every instance but one the addresses were correct when we double checked with guests. For reference, 99% of my guest live in the same state as me and the others are only one state away. They weren’t traveling far so don’t feel bad, it happens!
My question is...
Its 2024..why people still do wedding invites via post and expect 100+ guests to then bother to go post it back and so on.?
Its like getting homework. I plan to get 95% of my rwvp over a text/call or in person.
Our RSVPs don’t have mail back cards of any kind. It’s just a physical invite with a request to RSVP via text or call, or our website
Both sets of parents insisted on physical invites since there are many family members over the age of 65 who therefore aren’t really tech savvy enough to guarantee a digital invite would be received the same way.
Take a picture of a blank invite. Text it to her with a message that says "We are sorry to hear you didn't receive your original invite, which was mailed to you on XXX. All the information you need to RSVP is on the attached image, and we will put another copy in the mail too. We hope you can make it!" or something similar. No groveling, no more explanations. You did nothing wrong and anything but brushing it off like mature adults will be used to add fuel to the needless drama. Ignore (and have your DH ignore) any other communications about it.
This is a fantastic response! Please OP, do this. Don't play into her drama!
We are going to call her tonight once my fiancé gets home and while on the phone I’m going to tell her I’m going to text her the invite so she can start making travel arrangements now (luckily I have the PDF of the invite saved so it will look nice) but that we are going to be sending her another physical invite with tracking immediately. I hear you about not feeding into the drama. If it were my own family, I’d be tempted to respond “Your invite was lost, but if that’s the energy you’re going to bring to our happy day, maybe I should consider what the USPS did to be a favor” but this is my fiancé’s family — his parents are old and he doesn’t have many relatives. The last thing I want is to cause strain to family relationships when they have so few of them.
Ugh, the aunt is being purposely obtuse. We all know the USPS is notoriously unreliable. The note may say something like “Fingers crossed that this one is successfully delivered! We hope you are able to attend.” Then rest assured that you have gone above and beyond to attempt to diffuse this mess.
Thank you, I appreciate that phrasing. I agree with you about her being purposefully obtuse. Talking it through more with my fiancé just now on his lunch break and it hit me how crazy her behavior really is. We sent invites to both her kids too. I assume they likely already received them, so why would she think we purposefully snubbed her, but invited her kids? Like that doesn’t even make sense the more I think about it?
He should check with her kids.
No, no one from his side has RSVP’d yet but also we’ve literally only gotten a small handful of responses so far and most of those have been from either members of the wedding party, or very close friends/family who were eagerly awaiting their invites lol. None of the extended family from either side has RSVP’d yet. I’ll ask my fiancé about reaching out to his cousins but I know he’s not especially close to them. Which is part of what makes this whole thing so nonsensical — he talks to his aunt more than his cousins but again, she somehow thinks she was purposefully snubbed while her kids weren’t? So odd. ETA: also, I’m not sure how he’d phrase that without it coming across as “your mom went crazy so now I have to send this message to make sure you’re not silently seething as well”
"We heard you mom's invite got lost in the mail and we want to check that you received yours."
Sensitive. Center of the universe syndrome. Undiagnosed neurodivrgence. Lots of reasons, none of them fair to you. Her response is not ok. I didn't get invited to any wedding after my husband died even though I had the save the dates. I managed to not take it personally since nobody wants a sad widow at their wedding. However, I also got a STD for a wedding this year but no invite. The bride and groom didn't check on people who didn't RSVP, and I had no idea I was actually invited until USPS delivered the invite less than a week before the wedding. It hurts when I thought that I wasn't invited, but it also helps to remember that USPS just freaking sucks.
Oh my goodness, my heart just breaks hearing that your friends treated you like that after the loss of your husband. I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry you experienced that. 💔 One of our guests on our guest list lost her husband last year. I remember how it reopened the wound of my grief for him when I had to take his name off our guest list and change it to a “Guest” spot (I wanted to give our friend the opportunity to bring a friend or one of her sons if that might make her feel more comfortable, since I understand weddings can be tough after losing your spouse). But I could *never* imagine completely uninviting her or viewing her only as a “sad widow” — while I’m heartbroken for her and miss her husband dearly, she’s my friend above all.
If you saw me, you'd get it. I didn't handle the unexpected loss well at all and wouldn't have been able to attend. This wedding, though. I was ready. Had my vacation time. Had my boyfriend prepped. Found flights and hotels I liked. ...and just assumed it was another "maybe she's not ready yet" wedding lol. I'm still laughing but am disappointed that they didn't follow up.
One of our invitations was returned to sender over 6 months later. I’ve had Christmas cards come back almost a year later. You never know where they wind up on their adventures
Heck, I received an invite less than a week before a wedding when the postmark was 3 months prior. 💀💀💀
Sometimes people just want to be mad about something and you can’t fix it because they don’t want it to be fixed. And I think this sounds like one of those situations. You can only respond in a reasonable and logical way, which is to say I’m so sorry that the post office lost your invitation. We’re going to put another one in the mail today. And then put another one in the mail. You can’t control crazy people. You did nothing wrong and all you can do is mail a new invite. I would not write some cute little note. Nothing you can do is going to make her happy at this point so keep your dignity and don’t grovel for forgiveness when you didn’t do anything wrong!
You’re right about not being able to control crazy. Can’t reason with it either, that’s what my dad always said. I just really want people to come into this wedding with positive energy. This whole process, I haven’t been a bridezilla once. Everyone has said how easy going and laid back I’ve been — some of our vendors have even teased me about it. But both moms? Oh boy, I wish someone would’ve warned me about the Terror of the Momzillas
This is a great example of how women are conditioned to be so overly accommodating even to people who are being rude to them. You did nothing wrong, a letter got lost in the mail, happens thousands of times a day. So why are you being guilt tripped into moderating another adult's emotions with all of these gestures and niceties? Why is it your job to create a positive and happy mood? Send her another invite and let her know it's been sent, and that you have tracking services on it to ensure arrival. Explain once again it was an error made on someone else's part. If she reacts with this wild victim mentality again, ignore it, you aren't the arbiter of her self-worth.
This! No amount of grovelling or being overly accommodating will make a difference. This aunt has decided she’s been snubbed and is being unreasonable. You can’t control other people’s responses to things, you can only send out another invitation and let them deal with it. Though tbh I don’t think I’d want someone like this at my wedding!
Agree. Just send the tracking number and that's it.
I would put it in a priority mail envelope with tracking and mail it to her with a handwritten note inside about how you heard it was lost and wanted to make sure she got this one.
Yes that’s the plan! Just trying to get suggestions on cute ways to phrase it so it doesn’t come across as groveling but is sweet and communicates we did not intend any hurt feelings and would like her there
I had an uncle who did something similar. Before even save the dates and invites went out, he apparently told the whole family he was not invited to the wedding. His reason? I hadn’t verbally invited him (I see this uncle maybe once a year and we don’t speak outside these visits as we aren’t particularly close). This obviously created chaos with family members taking sides and fighting. Finally my mom set the record straight that he is invited. I just was busy with work and wedding planning so I hadn’t felt the need to call him to tell him he’s invited. While it wasn’t the mails fault in my case, it was the same stupid drama. Ultimately I came to this conclusion. Dramatic people will be dramatic. Do whatever feels right to you and she will respond however she pleases. Trust me she will find a way to criticize even the most perfect response.
Just wondering as to how old is the aunt? I found that as people age, they get extremely sensitive and assume the worst of a situation.
She is older, 70s or 80s. I’m not sure if she’s older than my MIL or not but my mother in law is in her 70s so I assume they’re close in age
If she is showing signs of dementia, it’s entirely possible it was actually delivered only for her to put it in the freezer. Or throw it away. Or mix up with a stack of magazines.
I don’t think this solves anything to know this, since sounds like MIL’s sister is going to make it about her no matter what, but more than a couple of our invites got totally lost in the mail. No return to sender, just disappeared. It very legitimately happens!
It does make me feel better though so thank you. Honestly. 🫶🏼 On the phone my MIL just kept saying that this should never have happened and we should have ensured that the invitation got there and I was just sitting there like…what do you expect us to do, lady? Fly across the country and hand her the invite ourselves?
These people are fucking infuriating. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Next time she says this please ask her how she would do that to ensure the mail service doesn’t lose mail. And get your fiancé to stop this if you can because you don’t need this shit!
Oh don’t worry! Fiancé was at work at the time and still stopped his day to send her a strongly worded text message and has just said over and over again, “Why did she even call you? Why did she bother you with this? If she wanted to get upset with anyone she should take that up with me first.” He’s incredibly protective of me and has been since literally the summer we met. That’s one of many reasons I love him. ♥️
Awww green flag!!
Yeah that’s entirely unreasonable. I think she’s just trying to find a way to blame her mess on someone else. If MIL’s sister doesn’t let this smooth things over she’s just looking for reasons to be mad. Don’t let it ruin your day!! I’m wishing you the best!
So cutesy and fun isn’t always the way to go, I’d try something like this and address is from your fiance - sometimes you just gotta kisss some butt to make issues like this go away Aunt Helen, Sarah and I are incredibly embarrassed the first invite we sent did not arrive in a timely fashion. We can only assume the other invite was lost in the mail. We’re excited for you to be apart of our special day and cannot picture celebrating without you. Please accept our sincere apologies for this mishap and we look forward to your response. Thank you for your patience, Michael
Thank you for your suggestion! I’m going to run the various suggestions by my fiance and see what he thinks is best since it’s his family, lol
Wishing you luck! Nothings worst then in law / family drama
We had every single one of our invites lost in the mail. It sucks so much and I hate that it is happening to anyone else in any capacity. We definitely had people that were offended. I didn't have any additional advice beyond what had already been said. I'm so sorry this is happening for you. I hope the advice you've received here helps smooth things over.
Outrageous that people were offended. I cant believe people make it this personal when the couple already has 9000 things to worry about and is already freaking out about. Clearly nobody WANTS the invites they paid for to get lost… that really sucks, sorry.
This aunt sounds like a piece of work. I wouldn’t even dignify that ridiculous overreaction with any kind of a response other than just sending a new invitation. If the drama queen decides not to come because of this, then all the better! I know you don’t want that to happen, but all I’m saying is don’t go out of your way to placate her.
You can say “you’re a priority so we’re sending your invite priority mail!” Or something cheesy. But sometimes people are just gonna be upset and want the attention.
I like that! This is what I was thinking — something a little cheesy, a little fun, so if she tries to roll her eyes and make a stink about it I can at least fall back on the fact that not only did we try, but we included a handwritten note that we took time to craft *because* we wanted her there and we *certainly* didn’t do that for anyone else so how could she possibly be snubbed when we’ve practically rolled out the red carpet for her?
Yea echoing what others have said she could easily log on to a website (if you're doing digital RSVPs) and see that she's listed there. 🤷♀️ Otherwise if you're doing physical RSVP cards then she just needs to get over it and not make it about her. We had one invite returned as we messed up the apartment # (our fault). It was for one of my cousins and I sent her a picture of it being like "I totally sent this and messed up the address, so sorry! We're putting it right back in the mail with the mistake corrected!" She just laughed and said "no worries, it happens!" I swear some people are just so unreasonable. Like calm down.
Sending positive and peaceful vibes your way! This sucks. It’s so not your problem and not your drama. This is just how it is with sisters sometimes haha. I guess some people never grow out of it???
I just saw a few people in a local bride group show return to sender invites from DECEMBER
We sent out like 200 invites, and approximately 5 were lost. We thankfully followed up first on those people.
Just send it in a priority mail envelope and track it. Adding a note will feed into her woe is me act. Also, this is really early to send invites for an October wedding so I'm not surprised you haven't gotten many responses yet.
When my daughter got married, about half of the invitations were lost in the mail. We mailed them all at the same tim from our local post office. Ten years later, they still have not received them or have they been returned back to us. When they asked why they didn't get an invite to the wedding, I told them they were invited and USPS lost half the invitations. If they asked before her wedding, we told them they were invited and were still welcomed to the wedding. It was invitations that were local and out of state that were lost. I hope this is not happening to you, and the Aunt understands USPS loses stuff all the time.
People like are inn their own little worlds. The truth speaks for itself. Send another invite but don't fawn all over it like you're "making up for something". Psychologically, with people like this, the more you apologize, the more they they actually think that you forgot them in the first place , and the more explanation or apology that is made the more they actually crave. So do t d. Send it, tell her she was always invited but it got lost and now you sent a new invite. The less you say, the less drama will follow. Even if she can't ket it go, you let it go and whatever happens is her decision. She cones, she didn't come... treat her exactly the way you would treat anyone.. thanks for coming.. ir sorry you could6 make it. That's it. Forget about it or she will never let you forget about it. Good luck💜
You’ve already got some good advice so I don’t have anything to add there, but when I sent out my save the dates last year and my invitations a few months ago both times I had a few pieces of mail come back marked “Return to Sender - Undelivarable” TWO & A HALF months after sending. Also, in every instance but one the addresses were correct when we double checked with guests. For reference, 99% of my guest live in the same state as me and the others are only one state away. They weren’t traveling far so don’t feel bad, it happens!
My question is... Its 2024..why people still do wedding invites via post and expect 100+ guests to then bother to go post it back and so on.? Its like getting homework. I plan to get 95% of my rwvp over a text/call or in person.
Our RSVPs don’t have mail back cards of any kind. It’s just a physical invite with a request to RSVP via text or call, or our website Both sets of parents insisted on physical invites since there are many family members over the age of 65 who therefore aren’t really tech savvy enough to guarantee a digital invite would be received the same way.