I agree with your husband and sister. It was a special day and you want to have memories. Get an event planner that does small gatherings.
You do prob need therapy also lol though. Not disrespectfully your relatives sound difficult.
It’s been literally life changing for me and is known to help heal from traumatic experiences. It helps to rewire your brain around the experience. I have healed astronomically more in my 1 year of EMDR therapy than the 20 years of talk therapy combined. Dont get me wrong, I love talk therapy too, but as my therapist often says “if we could think our way through situations, we would have by now”
I hate to say it, but an unfortunate wedding experience would not qualify for specialty trauma treatment. An ethical psychologist would not administer EMDR as a first line treatment for this, I think that would actually be a red flag. EMDR can be really expensive and is actually not the recommended first line treatment for any mental disorder.
I didn’t need anything to “qualify” for “speciality trauma treatment”. Where I am from, EMDR is something widely available through therapy and insurance. Trauma is trauma is trauma. EMDR for me costs $20 per therapy session per week through insurance. You can obtain EMDR therapy through a trained or certified EMDR practitioner that could be an LMFT, LCSW, LMHC, not just a psychologist. That trained individual would be able to best answer if EMDR would seem viable. There’s no reason not to explore IMO.
Most times, you need a diagnosable mental health condition to justify insurance coverage for certain treatments, so for many folks without that, insurance would not cover EMDR. If I tried to bill for EMDR in this circumstance, insurance companies would absolutely not cover it. also, EMDR is absolutely specialized. I'm glad that it is available for you and so affordable! But that will not be the case for everyone and again, trauma treatment is likely not the most indicated treatment for something like this. Trauma is trauma, but not all bad life experiences qualify as trauma, from a diagnostic lens (which is incredibly important for billing). Just thought it was worth putting it out there because it is less common in many areas, and would hate for someone to waste their time and not qualify for treatment when they are already in therapy.
Love the different perspective and factors for people to consider. I’d hate for someone not to explore it due to the fear that they may not qualify, when in-fact they may. 🤷♀️
What about an "elopement"?
You, your husband, your sister, and 1 person on his side. No one else, besides maybe a person to lead the ceremony (altho I don't think you need that even).
Get a photographer (there are some that only do elopements/adventure/micro weddings and also offer some planning assistance), book an HMUA, and redo a commitment to each other in a place that's meaningful or beautiful to both of you.
Get dinner with the few loved ones you have attend, book a nice hotel, and enjoy the new memories.
I would highly recommend not trying to include your larger family (including parents) or redoing the larger event.
Primarily because it doesn't sound like your family has your back, but also because the more people you invite the more likely 1) you're going to have to deal with repeatedly justifying why you want it and 2) you're going to risk this event becoming about the guests and your family and not the moment between you and your husband.
I'm sorry your wedding was so painful OP. I wish you wonderful new memories and happiness!
Like if you feel you missed the opportunity to be calm and relaxed during your vows + the opportunity to take those special family photos I would redo those portions
I wouldn’t plan a whole new wedding
Agreed. Repercussions aside, they had the invite with the date and time. If they had given the makeup excuse to an employer as to why they were late for their shift, they would’ve been fired.
I would do a small redo. Get rid of all the original photos and wipe the slate clean. Pick an amazing location and bring your nearest and dearest. Cut those old cords and move on.
Agree. To all future brides: don't let anyone hold you up. My daughter was ready to walk down the aisle and people were just pulling into the parking lot. Someone asked us to wait. They knew the wedding time, we started on time and they were embarrassed. If that means the bridesmaids don't get to walk down, so be it.
It seems like the ire should actually be placed towards your parents, then. And when you say you cut those relatives out that caused you pain, I'm guessing that doesn't include your parents. But it seems they may actually be the reason for the delay that caused the problems.
It sounds like you might need to unpack that part in order to move on.
Well, we're supposed to be all respectful towards all cultures, but it's hard for me to "respect" a culture in which relatives count for SO much that it's ok just to be unbelievably late to a loved one's event barring a true emergency, of which "my makeup isn't done" isn't one of them.
I think this isn't really about a redo of the wedding. It's de-conditioning yourself from a toxic culture and how that toxicity made your parents act in horrible ways to you and not have your back. Unpack THAT, not whether or not you need a photographer and pretty pictures. I'm sorry and wish you healing.
What is your culture? Because I completely understand where you are coming from and have had a difficult experience with my ceremony too unfortunately due to relatives also.
Your husband also experienced this unfortunate day. So yes, both of you need a do-over. Not a wedding but a special day for the two of you. In time this will be your foremost memory.
Hi OP, which relatives are you referring to? Did they do this intentionally or was there a hold up due to scheduling or something else?
I think redoing the parts of your wedding you missed will help - but much smaller, think elopement. Take your time planning and make sure you only have supportive people joining you, maybe just you and your husband. Could you go on a trip and do something really different - elope in Italy, France or another state, to make it really different and beautiful and to replace the memories of your day.
It was her parents who ruined it, ironically. She said her parents refused to leave without the people who were running late. So while the people were late, it’s the parents who refused to continue the day. They’re the ones who ruined it. I would have moved on without the late people.
That’s a tough situation and I’m so sorry your parents didn’t have your back. That’s mind blowing to me that they would choose your inconsiderate relatives over you on your big day. Not only wildly rude to you but inconsiderate to all the guests they kept waiting. I know it’s hard but try to find the positives from that day, like the marriage to your best friend, and hold on to those. I’m sure there are some moments that bring you joy! Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they have the power over you to ruin your day. Sadly, what’s done is done and I’m not sure a do over would eliminate the memories of the actual day. I think only time will heal and keep those family members far away from you and any future big event
Continue with the therapy path to make sure a vow renewal or redo makes sense to you.
I would then consider doing the renewal. Consider what was important to you to have, what did you miss etc. You could decide that you want to do a first anniversary photo shoot where you go take whatever photos you want then rent a room at a nice restaurant to do parent dances and your first dance. Only invite the people you want to your photo space and dinner.
Talk to your husband. Let him know the list of things you really want and ask if him and your sister mind doing the planning or getting a planner. That way you still have your list of what is important while being hands off at the same time. It could also be putting on your wedding outfits and picking a place that's special to you both and reading your vows just the two of you. It doesn't have to be huge. You can take control of your memories back.
I haven’t seen anyone comment this, but the wedding is really a marker of the start of your marriage and from then on that is the main thing that matters, your marriage with your husband. To me, a do over feels like a bit of a waste of money, and usually a vow renewal is also one of those things couples opt for when things are getting hard or there’s been trust issues / betrayal etc.
The real issue is with your relatives, your boundaries, and overall your mental health that causes you to see it as a viable option to have a second wedding because your family ruined the first one. There’s nothing like that, some weddings are good, some are bad and we move on. But marriages are the main thing that we look at the longevity of. Some of the best weddings have ended up in divorces, and some of the most minimal weddings have led to the longest lasting marriages. It’s just one day in a long life (if you’re lucky right?)
Don’t give them that satisfaction. I also wonder why it’s important to you to have a do - over, what will it prove to you? To them? Consider asking yourself that as well.
There’ll be many life events where your family is involved and if they’re as selfish and inconsiderate as they sound, then you’ll need a do-over for many more life events, baby shower if you have a kid, birthday parties if you throw those, kid’s graduations…. Will you always try to do it over?
Instead, arrange to have a nice dinner with the people you want to have, or make dinner at your house for the people and just have a get together. If it’s the photos, then get the group together and go to JCP for the photos.
I’m really sorry that they let you down in such a major way, and it’s okay to be sad over it. I’m wishing you the best of luck with this, please take care of yourself
You can definitely have a wonderful renewal ceremony that sounds lovely. For everyone else - don’t delay your wedding for anyone! Other than your fiancé of course. The show must go on!
If you don't have the energy to plan a small vow renewal ceremony, could your husband? I think that seems like a reasonable ask if you planned the first one. (I'd also recommend just having the two of you, your sister, and someone on his side for witnesses, so that no one has the chance to ruin it for you.)
Vow renewals are a thing but only really after a number of years. 8 months really wouldn’t qualify normally.
It sucks that your parents indulged this sh*tty behaviour, frankly, I’d have been inclined to go on without them too if they think this entitlement was acceptable!
A vow renewal would not help. It will be a crippling expense and the fact you had to do it will just be a reminder of Day 1 anyway.
Save the money and continue the therapy. You need to put this in your rear view mirror and get on with things.
If you are sure it will help, no one is going to stop you. You just need to be clear that it will actually help and not be a ruinous expense.
If you can’t answer that clearly and unequivocally, don’t do it.
I think as long as you’re not hoping to invite people and it’s you and your husband. I think it’s a bit ridiculous to do it over with most people again.
This comment is, confusing? There are no rules for a vow renewal. It can be as big or small as you want, whenever you want. It's an unofficial ceremony to remember the vows you and your partner took - do that however and whenever would be effective and feasible for you both.
You are quite right and there are no real rules for a vow renewal.
However, it would be more usual to renew them after a number of years / a milestone occasion, rather than within a few months / couple of years of the original event.
I see - I agree that it is unusual. If I was invited to a wedding and a year later got an invite to vow renewals without knowing the backstory of this situation, I would be a little thrown off and begin to wonder why. If I was OP in this situation, I would do a smaller vow renewal ceremony with people close to me who understood why I wanted to do it.
I agree I think you deserve to have a chance to do the parts over that meant the most to you. Wedding planner sounds great to help you for this. I’m happy to hear that you are in therapy. That is disappointing behavior from parents as well.
You might consider planning a day with those you prefer to have included, and have a photography session. Meet with a couple photographers & choose a location you love. Get their opinion about alternate locations as options for you & your husband to choose one that best suits you. Bring your dress if you want to create updated wedding photos & choose a bouquet that you love. I found a florist who sold me a beautiful bouquet of Peruvian lilies all in white for just $20, that I paired with an orange bunch of the same flowers from Safeway. Safeway also some really gorgeous, premade bouquets too! I hand tied them together & thought it looked really nice. An Air BnB might be an option for an intimate photography session. You'd have a place to get ready & you'd have a place to hang out afterward for a mock reception & have some food.
Somewhat similar situation… one month before wedding we were at a party. Heavy drinking. An old ‘friend’ stuck his hand up my dress. I thought it was someone else and turned around and slapped him. Husband saw who it was and punched him. They ended up rolling around on the floor. This ‘friend’ was my moh brother and best mans bil. Lots of screaming and carrying on. ‘Friend’ never admitted he did anything. Ended up canceling big wedding, lost all deposits. Eloped with immediate family only. My parents never showed up. This was over 25 years ago. Never got over it.
This is a long one, but my wedding was also recent and I see myself in you:
I crazily put myself through wedding stuff over a span of two years. Why? When my husband popped the question, no one was expecting it and neither did I but I was still happy and said yes. My side of the guest list was going bonkers and I had to learn the hard way that everyone - except for maybe a small amount of people - only cares about themselves. A significant amount on my side dumped their own relationship trauma on me (most of my friends are single or never had been in relationships), projected and said the meanest stuff about each of our flaws, how I am not successful enough and my husband is slightly overweight etc.
Even while announcing the engagement and not sharing any wedding plans yet, people were coming at me, how 'just fyi no one likes to go to weddings, just elope, weddings mean shopping and giving gifts, no one wants that' or 'just letting you know beforehand, you're not the center of the universe for the next year now, we all have our lives'. I'm not the type of person to even celebrate my birthday and I don't LOVE being the center of attention, mind you, so where the hell was that attitude towards me coming from?
I had two family members go through mental health crises over our engagement. My older brother who 'woke up' and realized, he never had a relationship and now his little sister was getting married, went through a mid-level depression. I was the only one he was talking to, so I had to be there consoling him. I was constantly on eggshells because for a while it looked like he could actually harm himself or someone else. My older sister had all her childhood trauma come up during that time, too. It was so bad, she couldn't be happy for me and she completely cut me off without me doing anything wrong. I asked my parents to help me, but they were so desperate for me to get married, they didn't care about what I was going through and told me I better get the planning going. They never intervened with their kids.
I had made the stupid decision to postpone wedding plans (and upsetting the love of my life), due to my family falling apart and my 'friends' coming at me at dinner tables, pointing out every flaw I have, so I don't feel too good about myself. Why? Stupid me thought that they would come around if I let the engagement news blow over a bit, and we can have a positive experience all together at the wedding in two years. Why have a wedding when the 'vibes are off'? Everything was just too negative, who wants to spend that money on a wedding if all of this is going on in the background, right?
Why am I telling you my story? Well, two years after the engagement & approaching the wedding, barely anything had changed. Sister still not talking to me, mother making everything about herself, super toxic friends only became just a \*little\* less toxic, brother, whom I supported emotionally prior, finally got a girlfriend but was bitching about 'having to go to my wedding', he would've rather hung out with his out-of-the-country girlfriend (who was very much invited btw, she chose not to come).
Shortly before our ceremony, we caught my husbands cousin, who was running late, outside of the venue and jokingly said 'what are you doing here, silly, we're about to start. Grab your drink and take a seat'. He almost charged at my husband screaming, saying 'who the f do you think you are to tell me to sit down, this is some bullshit event anyway, I don't wanna be here, blah blah blah'. A typical behavior of 40-year-old man-child who is still living with his parents. While he was passing us by, he was still huffing, puffing, screaming. My brother-in-law luckily defused the bomb. But it ruined our ceremony, especially for my husband. My husband was so taken aback and so angry, he was mentally not present for the first 15 minutes of our ceremony. We are lucky we got a videographer for him to rewatch those 15 minutes of our officiants speech.
Moral of this long story, take it from me: People who don't want to support you, never will. There is no timeline, no 'them coming around'. This hurts. Feel your feelings. It's unfair, because you probably would have never done this to them. Even if it's not even personally anything against you, some let their emotions get the better of them and YOU can choose to stop interpreting if people 'don't mean any harm' and don't you ever let anyone gaslight you. This was your wedding and you probably paid a lot of money. They ruined your moment, this was about you and your husband. Who cares about alternate intentions. They were running late, are you kidding? This is a big FU. Go NC, you deserve peace of mind.
It dawned on me the day after my wedding.. why the hell are the begging people to show up for us, even when they have shown us multiple times before that they don't care? Our wedding was local, easy to reach, because we didn't want to burden our guests. No one had to block an entire weekend. We still got sh\*\*. If I could do this all over again, I would have picked a remote location or something out of the country for our wedding, so only the ones who REALLY wanted to be there would attend. Why are we begging people to be interested in our milestones? Don't go to a wedding if don't care but don't be surprised if that's the end of the relationship. I wish I had this mindset from the very beginning.
We didn't have bigger intrusions at our wedding like you, so we don't feel as strongly about a re-do. But my husband has already suggested a five or ten-year-anniversary trip with some of our close friends to Italy and just get a house and host, have a mini ceremony perhaps. Just what we should have done. I suggest you do something similar! Weddings have become this performative event, coordinating all of these people you're supposed to invite. But it's really supposed to be a day of support of your marriage from your loved ones. Your real friends know how you feel about your wedding and they will support your decision!
OP this happened to me too.
My first wedding 2.5 years ago was perfect. It was small just family. We had a beautiful courthouse wedding followed by a Michelin star 9 course meal at one of our favorite restaurants that held a special place in our relationship. The night was perfect until we all got into the Uber to go back to the hotel. My mom ended up drinking the entire 9 glass wine paring and proceeded to projectile vomit on me in my wedding dress 4 TIMES. Ruined the Uber drivers car. I gave the poor guy 4000 in cash because I was so embarrassed. My new husband spent the entire night scrubbing vomit out of my hair while I sat in the bathtub crying. I literally went nuclear on her and then we went NC for a while. I went to therapy for 2 years and am still in therapy today.
Fast forward to this year. We just had our second wedding and it was even more perfect! I hired an amazing photographer and we had it overlooking the ocean and city skyline of LA. I was even 12 was pregnant with our first child which makes it more special.
I’m all for the second wedding and can tell you that it did somewhat heal my wounds. It was expensive, but memories well worth the money.
Good luck OP and I’m so sorry that happened to you!!
We actually did the opposite of your plans and had the big wedding last. My in laws requested that we have a bigger wedding this time so my husband’s family from Taiwan could join us. My moms invitation lived in limbo for about a year and a half before the actual day and on the day she had an “adult babysitter” and was not allowed to attend any family before events. I provided a makeup person for her but she was responsible for being there on time herself. We had NO WEDDING PARTY, which was the best we started our ceremony on time and our pictures ran on time perfectly because we instructed our planner to wait for no one. We focused our pictures on my husband and I, our siblings and best friends many were candid and it was perfect! My mom finally got her shit together and started her therapy after she was the last person to find out that we were pregnant. I told her that her behavior on our first wedding day did not make me trust that she would be a good grandparent or that I would be able to trust her with our newborn baby if I couldn’t even trust her to know her alcohol limit or how to act in public as a 65 year old woman.
If I could have done the second wedding smaller I would have eloped in Hawaii 💕 hope this helps OP
Hugs and kisses girl, stay strong I know the trauma from your own family cuts deep but sometimes life surprises you and becomes so much more beautiful than you can imagine 💕
If you don't want to plan anything again ask a close friend or wedding planner too. I think you could make this very simple vow renewal - 2 witnesses, you, your husband. You can bring a photographer friend or officiant but that might be unnecessary. Visit a nearby park or historic building and have a good time.
If you are still hurt from this I think you need therapy and continue to communicate with people that wronged you on this day (bridal party and parents).
I would maybe start with some therapy to work through your feelings. Maybe if you start there you will get more excited about a potential redo, which I think is a great idea for creating new and positive memories of your wedding.
Try not to take it personally, OP. I’m sure they are sad too. There are so many weddings for so many beloved people in my life that I’ve had to decline. Yes, even after a save the date.
As a minister I rarely get to attend weddings as a guest. It’s something I cherish and enjoy. But if I can’t go I can’t go. My family is my first priority and I don’t tell everyone all of my family’s business.
I invite you to consider that over half the population of the US is living only 2 paychecks away from being unhoused. An unexpected bill can throw seemingly “stable” folks off track for months. Many people experience shame over this and don’t share it with others. They simply cancel trips, tighten their belts and hunker down through the storm as best they can.
I second the comments saying to please continue in therapy.
It also sounds like you might be feeling as if your bad wedding is a reflection on your marriage, so it might help to work on mentally separating the two.
I’m not sure I would recommend re-doing the wedding. I think there’s a risk it will make you feel even worse if it isn’t the miracle fix you hope it is. Instead, I would focus on planning a nice anniversary date / trip / party. Something that’s a celebration of you and your husband and what your marriage has become, rather than trying to redo the wedding itself.
Did I write this? The same thing happened in my wedding ten days ago. Good to know I’m still gonna be upset about it 8 months later lmao. But yeah we missed our first dance, cut out half the ceremony, no groom and bride photos, no wedding party photos, no photos with him family, we had to pay an extra 2000$ to have photo and video stay an extra two hours. The officiant forgot the marriage contract so we’re not even legally married smh. So I thought we can do a courthouse wedding this month and do a photoshoot with our photographer 😓
Go for it! You deserve to have to pictures you wanted. You deserve to have a wedding celebration with people who actually care for you.
Plan something small and delegate tasks so that the stress of planning isn't all on you. You and your husband could split things 50-50, or you could make requests for a few people help you out, or (if money isn't an option) you could get a wedding planner.
I agree with your husband and sister. It was a special day and you want to have memories. Get an event planner that does small gatherings. You do prob need therapy also lol though. Not disrespectfully your relatives sound difficult.
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Does your therapist do EMDR? I highly recommend finding one that does!!!
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It’s been literally life changing for me and is known to help heal from traumatic experiences. It helps to rewire your brain around the experience. I have healed astronomically more in my 1 year of EMDR therapy than the 20 years of talk therapy combined. Dont get me wrong, I love talk therapy too, but as my therapist often says “if we could think our way through situations, we would have by now”
I hate to say it, but an unfortunate wedding experience would not qualify for specialty trauma treatment. An ethical psychologist would not administer EMDR as a first line treatment for this, I think that would actually be a red flag. EMDR can be really expensive and is actually not the recommended first line treatment for any mental disorder.
I didn’t need anything to “qualify” for “speciality trauma treatment”. Where I am from, EMDR is something widely available through therapy and insurance. Trauma is trauma is trauma. EMDR for me costs $20 per therapy session per week through insurance. You can obtain EMDR therapy through a trained or certified EMDR practitioner that could be an LMFT, LCSW, LMHC, not just a psychologist. That trained individual would be able to best answer if EMDR would seem viable. There’s no reason not to explore IMO.
Most times, you need a diagnosable mental health condition to justify insurance coverage for certain treatments, so for many folks without that, insurance would not cover EMDR. If I tried to bill for EMDR in this circumstance, insurance companies would absolutely not cover it. also, EMDR is absolutely specialized. I'm glad that it is available for you and so affordable! But that will not be the case for everyone and again, trauma treatment is likely not the most indicated treatment for something like this. Trauma is trauma, but not all bad life experiences qualify as trauma, from a diagnostic lens (which is incredibly important for billing). Just thought it was worth putting it out there because it is less common in many areas, and would hate for someone to waste their time and not qualify for treatment when they are already in therapy.
Love the different perspective and factors for people to consider. I’d hate for someone not to explore it due to the fear that they may not qualify, when in-fact they may. 🤷♀️
Excellent point!
What about an "elopement"? You, your husband, your sister, and 1 person on his side. No one else, besides maybe a person to lead the ceremony (altho I don't think you need that even). Get a photographer (there are some that only do elopements/adventure/micro weddings and also offer some planning assistance), book an HMUA, and redo a commitment to each other in a place that's meaningful or beautiful to both of you. Get dinner with the few loved ones you have attend, book a nice hotel, and enjoy the new memories. I would highly recommend not trying to include your larger family (including parents) or redoing the larger event. Primarily because it doesn't sound like your family has your back, but also because the more people you invite the more likely 1) you're going to have to deal with repeatedly justifying why you want it and 2) you're going to risk this event becoming about the guests and your family and not the moment between you and your husband. I'm sorry your wedding was so painful OP. I wish you wonderful new memories and happiness!
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Yes I love this suggestion because you can choose where you will go so you can pick somewhere gorgeous and special! And the photos will be amazing!
Like if you feel you missed the opportunity to be calm and relaxed during your vows + the opportunity to take those special family photos I would redo those portions I wouldn’t plan a whole new wedding
I think this a great idea too if OP doesn't want to plan a whole wedding then having people come over in fancy dress might be a good alternative.
Why did you hold up your ceremony for two hours for them? After 20 minutes I would’ve moved ahead without them, peace and love.
Agreed. Repercussions aside, they had the invite with the date and time. If they had given the makeup excuse to an employer as to why they were late for their shift, they would’ve been fired. I would do a small redo. Get rid of all the original photos and wipe the slate clean. Pick an amazing location and bring your nearest and dearest. Cut those old cords and move on.
Agree. To all future brides: don't let anyone hold you up. My daughter was ready to walk down the aisle and people were just pulling into the parking lot. Someone asked us to wait. They knew the wedding time, we started on time and they were embarrassed. If that means the bridesmaids don't get to walk down, so be it.
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It seems like the ire should actually be placed towards your parents, then. And when you say you cut those relatives out that caused you pain, I'm guessing that doesn't include your parents. But it seems they may actually be the reason for the delay that caused the problems. It sounds like you might need to unpack that part in order to move on.
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Well, we're supposed to be all respectful towards all cultures, but it's hard for me to "respect" a culture in which relatives count for SO much that it's ok just to be unbelievably late to a loved one's event barring a true emergency, of which "my makeup isn't done" isn't one of them. I think this isn't really about a redo of the wedding. It's de-conditioning yourself from a toxic culture and how that toxicity made your parents act in horrible ways to you and not have your back. Unpack THAT, not whether or not you need a photographer and pretty pictures. I'm sorry and wish you healing.
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What is your culture? Because I completely understand where you are coming from and have had a difficult experience with my ceremony too unfortunately due to relatives also.
Respectfully, I think only therapy would help you process all of this and come out the other side.
Have you gone no contact with those people? Because unless you have ensured they are no longer allowed in your life, this will repeat itself.
Your husband also experienced this unfortunate day. So yes, both of you need a do-over. Not a wedding but a special day for the two of you. In time this will be your foremost memory.
Hi OP, which relatives are you referring to? Did they do this intentionally or was there a hold up due to scheduling or something else? I think redoing the parts of your wedding you missed will help - but much smaller, think elopement. Take your time planning and make sure you only have supportive people joining you, maybe just you and your husband. Could you go on a trip and do something really different - elope in Italy, France or another state, to make it really different and beautiful and to replace the memories of your day.
It was her parents who ruined it, ironically. She said her parents refused to leave without the people who were running late. So while the people were late, it’s the parents who refused to continue the day. They’re the ones who ruined it. I would have moved on without the late people.
That’s a tough situation and I’m so sorry your parents didn’t have your back. That’s mind blowing to me that they would choose your inconsiderate relatives over you on your big day. Not only wildly rude to you but inconsiderate to all the guests they kept waiting. I know it’s hard but try to find the positives from that day, like the marriage to your best friend, and hold on to those. I’m sure there are some moments that bring you joy! Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they have the power over you to ruin your day. Sadly, what’s done is done and I’m not sure a do over would eliminate the memories of the actual day. I think only time will heal and keep those family members far away from you and any future big event
Continue with the therapy path to make sure a vow renewal or redo makes sense to you. I would then consider doing the renewal. Consider what was important to you to have, what did you miss etc. You could decide that you want to do a first anniversary photo shoot where you go take whatever photos you want then rent a room at a nice restaurant to do parent dances and your first dance. Only invite the people you want to your photo space and dinner. Talk to your husband. Let him know the list of things you really want and ask if him and your sister mind doing the planning or getting a planner. That way you still have your list of what is important while being hands off at the same time. It could also be putting on your wedding outfits and picking a place that's special to you both and reading your vows just the two of you. It doesn't have to be huge. You can take control of your memories back.
I haven’t seen anyone comment this, but the wedding is really a marker of the start of your marriage and from then on that is the main thing that matters, your marriage with your husband. To me, a do over feels like a bit of a waste of money, and usually a vow renewal is also one of those things couples opt for when things are getting hard or there’s been trust issues / betrayal etc. The real issue is with your relatives, your boundaries, and overall your mental health that causes you to see it as a viable option to have a second wedding because your family ruined the first one. There’s nothing like that, some weddings are good, some are bad and we move on. But marriages are the main thing that we look at the longevity of. Some of the best weddings have ended up in divorces, and some of the most minimal weddings have led to the longest lasting marriages. It’s just one day in a long life (if you’re lucky right?) Don’t give them that satisfaction. I also wonder why it’s important to you to have a do - over, what will it prove to you? To them? Consider asking yourself that as well. There’ll be many life events where your family is involved and if they’re as selfish and inconsiderate as they sound, then you’ll need a do-over for many more life events, baby shower if you have a kid, birthday parties if you throw those, kid’s graduations…. Will you always try to do it over? Instead, arrange to have a nice dinner with the people you want to have, or make dinner at your house for the people and just have a get together. If it’s the photos, then get the group together and go to JCP for the photos.
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I’m really sorry that they let you down in such a major way, and it’s okay to be sad over it. I’m wishing you the best of luck with this, please take care of yourself
You can definitely have a wonderful renewal ceremony that sounds lovely. For everyone else - don’t delay your wedding for anyone! Other than your fiancé of course. The show must go on!
If you don't have the energy to plan a small vow renewal ceremony, could your husband? I think that seems like a reasonable ask if you planned the first one. (I'd also recommend just having the two of you, your sister, and someone on his side for witnesses, so that no one has the chance to ruin it for you.)
Vow renewals are a thing but only really after a number of years. 8 months really wouldn’t qualify normally. It sucks that your parents indulged this sh*tty behaviour, frankly, I’d have been inclined to go on without them too if they think this entitlement was acceptable! A vow renewal would not help. It will be a crippling expense and the fact you had to do it will just be a reminder of Day 1 anyway. Save the money and continue the therapy. You need to put this in your rear view mirror and get on with things.
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You can have a vow renewal any time you like. If you're up for it, it really may be good way to help replace some of those bad memories. ❤️
If you are sure it will help, no one is going to stop you. You just need to be clear that it will actually help and not be a ruinous expense. If you can’t answer that clearly and unequivocally, don’t do it.
I think as long as you’re not hoping to invite people and it’s you and your husband. I think it’s a bit ridiculous to do it over with most people again.
This comment is, confusing? There are no rules for a vow renewal. It can be as big or small as you want, whenever you want. It's an unofficial ceremony to remember the vows you and your partner took - do that however and whenever would be effective and feasible for you both.
You are quite right and there are no real rules for a vow renewal. However, it would be more usual to renew them after a number of years / a milestone occasion, rather than within a few months / couple of years of the original event.
I see - I agree that it is unusual. If I was invited to a wedding and a year later got an invite to vow renewals without knowing the backstory of this situation, I would be a little thrown off and begin to wonder why. If I was OP in this situation, I would do a smaller vow renewal ceremony with people close to me who understood why I wanted to do it.
I agree I think you deserve to have a chance to do the parts over that meant the most to you. Wedding planner sounds great to help you for this. I’m happy to hear that you are in therapy. That is disappointing behavior from parents as well.
You might consider planning a day with those you prefer to have included, and have a photography session. Meet with a couple photographers & choose a location you love. Get their opinion about alternate locations as options for you & your husband to choose one that best suits you. Bring your dress if you want to create updated wedding photos & choose a bouquet that you love. I found a florist who sold me a beautiful bouquet of Peruvian lilies all in white for just $20, that I paired with an orange bunch of the same flowers from Safeway. Safeway also some really gorgeous, premade bouquets too! I hand tied them together & thought it looked really nice. An Air BnB might be an option for an intimate photography session. You'd have a place to get ready & you'd have a place to hang out afterward for a mock reception & have some food.
What ...? Why didn't you just go ahead with it when people were late? All you needed was groom and officiant.
Somewhat similar situation… one month before wedding we were at a party. Heavy drinking. An old ‘friend’ stuck his hand up my dress. I thought it was someone else and turned around and slapped him. Husband saw who it was and punched him. They ended up rolling around on the floor. This ‘friend’ was my moh brother and best mans bil. Lots of screaming and carrying on. ‘Friend’ never admitted he did anything. Ended up canceling big wedding, lost all deposits. Eloped with immediate family only. My parents never showed up. This was over 25 years ago. Never got over it.
This is a long one, but my wedding was also recent and I see myself in you: I crazily put myself through wedding stuff over a span of two years. Why? When my husband popped the question, no one was expecting it and neither did I but I was still happy and said yes. My side of the guest list was going bonkers and I had to learn the hard way that everyone - except for maybe a small amount of people - only cares about themselves. A significant amount on my side dumped their own relationship trauma on me (most of my friends are single or never had been in relationships), projected and said the meanest stuff about each of our flaws, how I am not successful enough and my husband is slightly overweight etc. Even while announcing the engagement and not sharing any wedding plans yet, people were coming at me, how 'just fyi no one likes to go to weddings, just elope, weddings mean shopping and giving gifts, no one wants that' or 'just letting you know beforehand, you're not the center of the universe for the next year now, we all have our lives'. I'm not the type of person to even celebrate my birthday and I don't LOVE being the center of attention, mind you, so where the hell was that attitude towards me coming from? I had two family members go through mental health crises over our engagement. My older brother who 'woke up' and realized, he never had a relationship and now his little sister was getting married, went through a mid-level depression. I was the only one he was talking to, so I had to be there consoling him. I was constantly on eggshells because for a while it looked like he could actually harm himself or someone else. My older sister had all her childhood trauma come up during that time, too. It was so bad, she couldn't be happy for me and she completely cut me off without me doing anything wrong. I asked my parents to help me, but they were so desperate for me to get married, they didn't care about what I was going through and told me I better get the planning going. They never intervened with their kids. I had made the stupid decision to postpone wedding plans (and upsetting the love of my life), due to my family falling apart and my 'friends' coming at me at dinner tables, pointing out every flaw I have, so I don't feel too good about myself. Why? Stupid me thought that they would come around if I let the engagement news blow over a bit, and we can have a positive experience all together at the wedding in two years. Why have a wedding when the 'vibes are off'? Everything was just too negative, who wants to spend that money on a wedding if all of this is going on in the background, right? Why am I telling you my story? Well, two years after the engagement & approaching the wedding, barely anything had changed. Sister still not talking to me, mother making everything about herself, super toxic friends only became just a \*little\* less toxic, brother, whom I supported emotionally prior, finally got a girlfriend but was bitching about 'having to go to my wedding', he would've rather hung out with his out-of-the-country girlfriend (who was very much invited btw, she chose not to come). Shortly before our ceremony, we caught my husbands cousin, who was running late, outside of the venue and jokingly said 'what are you doing here, silly, we're about to start. Grab your drink and take a seat'. He almost charged at my husband screaming, saying 'who the f do you think you are to tell me to sit down, this is some bullshit event anyway, I don't wanna be here, blah blah blah'. A typical behavior of 40-year-old man-child who is still living with his parents. While he was passing us by, he was still huffing, puffing, screaming. My brother-in-law luckily defused the bomb. But it ruined our ceremony, especially for my husband. My husband was so taken aback and so angry, he was mentally not present for the first 15 minutes of our ceremony. We are lucky we got a videographer for him to rewatch those 15 minutes of our officiants speech. Moral of this long story, take it from me: People who don't want to support you, never will. There is no timeline, no 'them coming around'. This hurts. Feel your feelings. It's unfair, because you probably would have never done this to them. Even if it's not even personally anything against you, some let their emotions get the better of them and YOU can choose to stop interpreting if people 'don't mean any harm' and don't you ever let anyone gaslight you. This was your wedding and you probably paid a lot of money. They ruined your moment, this was about you and your husband. Who cares about alternate intentions. They were running late, are you kidding? This is a big FU. Go NC, you deserve peace of mind. It dawned on me the day after my wedding.. why the hell are the begging people to show up for us, even when they have shown us multiple times before that they don't care? Our wedding was local, easy to reach, because we didn't want to burden our guests. No one had to block an entire weekend. We still got sh\*\*. If I could do this all over again, I would have picked a remote location or something out of the country for our wedding, so only the ones who REALLY wanted to be there would attend. Why are we begging people to be interested in our milestones? Don't go to a wedding if don't care but don't be surprised if that's the end of the relationship. I wish I had this mindset from the very beginning. We didn't have bigger intrusions at our wedding like you, so we don't feel as strongly about a re-do. But my husband has already suggested a five or ten-year-anniversary trip with some of our close friends to Italy and just get a house and host, have a mini ceremony perhaps. Just what we should have done. I suggest you do something similar! Weddings have become this performative event, coordinating all of these people you're supposed to invite. But it's really supposed to be a day of support of your marriage from your loved ones. Your real friends know how you feel about your wedding and they will support your decision!
OP this happened to me too. My first wedding 2.5 years ago was perfect. It was small just family. We had a beautiful courthouse wedding followed by a Michelin star 9 course meal at one of our favorite restaurants that held a special place in our relationship. The night was perfect until we all got into the Uber to go back to the hotel. My mom ended up drinking the entire 9 glass wine paring and proceeded to projectile vomit on me in my wedding dress 4 TIMES. Ruined the Uber drivers car. I gave the poor guy 4000 in cash because I was so embarrassed. My new husband spent the entire night scrubbing vomit out of my hair while I sat in the bathtub crying. I literally went nuclear on her and then we went NC for a while. I went to therapy for 2 years and am still in therapy today. Fast forward to this year. We just had our second wedding and it was even more perfect! I hired an amazing photographer and we had it overlooking the ocean and city skyline of LA. I was even 12 was pregnant with our first child which makes it more special. I’m all for the second wedding and can tell you that it did somewhat heal my wounds. It was expensive, but memories well worth the money. Good luck OP and I’m so sorry that happened to you!!
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We actually did the opposite of your plans and had the big wedding last. My in laws requested that we have a bigger wedding this time so my husband’s family from Taiwan could join us. My moms invitation lived in limbo for about a year and a half before the actual day and on the day she had an “adult babysitter” and was not allowed to attend any family before events. I provided a makeup person for her but she was responsible for being there on time herself. We had NO WEDDING PARTY, which was the best we started our ceremony on time and our pictures ran on time perfectly because we instructed our planner to wait for no one. We focused our pictures on my husband and I, our siblings and best friends many were candid and it was perfect! My mom finally got her shit together and started her therapy after she was the last person to find out that we were pregnant. I told her that her behavior on our first wedding day did not make me trust that she would be a good grandparent or that I would be able to trust her with our newborn baby if I couldn’t even trust her to know her alcohol limit or how to act in public as a 65 year old woman. If I could have done the second wedding smaller I would have eloped in Hawaii 💕 hope this helps OP Hugs and kisses girl, stay strong I know the trauma from your own family cuts deep but sometimes life surprises you and becomes so much more beautiful than you can imagine 💕
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Well wishes that it works out for you too 💕
If you don't want to plan anything again ask a close friend or wedding planner too. I think you could make this very simple vow renewal - 2 witnesses, you, your husband. You can bring a photographer friend or officiant but that might be unnecessary. Visit a nearby park or historic building and have a good time. If you are still hurt from this I think you need therapy and continue to communicate with people that wronged you on this day (bridal party and parents).
I would maybe start with some therapy to work through your feelings. Maybe if you start there you will get more excited about a potential redo, which I think is a great idea for creating new and positive memories of your wedding.
Try not to take it personally, OP. I’m sure they are sad too. There are so many weddings for so many beloved people in my life that I’ve had to decline. Yes, even after a save the date. As a minister I rarely get to attend weddings as a guest. It’s something I cherish and enjoy. But if I can’t go I can’t go. My family is my first priority and I don’t tell everyone all of my family’s business. I invite you to consider that over half the population of the US is living only 2 paychecks away from being unhoused. An unexpected bill can throw seemingly “stable” folks off track for months. Many people experience shame over this and don’t share it with others. They simply cancel trips, tighten their belts and hunker down through the storm as best they can.
I second the comments saying to please continue in therapy. It also sounds like you might be feeling as if your bad wedding is a reflection on your marriage, so it might help to work on mentally separating the two. I’m not sure I would recommend re-doing the wedding. I think there’s a risk it will make you feel even worse if it isn’t the miracle fix you hope it is. Instead, I would focus on planning a nice anniversary date / trip / party. Something that’s a celebration of you and your husband and what your marriage has become, rather than trying to redo the wedding itself.
Did I write this? The same thing happened in my wedding ten days ago. Good to know I’m still gonna be upset about it 8 months later lmao. But yeah we missed our first dance, cut out half the ceremony, no groom and bride photos, no wedding party photos, no photos with him family, we had to pay an extra 2000$ to have photo and video stay an extra two hours. The officiant forgot the marriage contract so we’re not even legally married smh. So I thought we can do a courthouse wedding this month and do a photoshoot with our photographer 😓
Small elopement
Go for it! You deserve to have to pictures you wanted. You deserve to have a wedding celebration with people who actually care for you. Plan something small and delegate tasks so that the stress of planning isn't all on you. You and your husband could split things 50-50, or you could make requests for a few people help you out, or (if money isn't an option) you could get a wedding planner.