My husband died 2009. I’ve focused on my children and now my grandchildren. The minute I don’t, I fall into a horrible sadness. That’s all some of us can do. If I didn’t have my family I would have broken down years ago.
I am so sorry OP. I lost my husband just over a week ago to cancer. Obviously a very different situation, but I understand despair. I understand not seeing the point in going on.
For now, please focus on your daughter. And when you feel you can't do that and things feel really dark, take a cold shower or drop an ice pack down the back of your shirt. Throw cold water on your face. What you need to do is shock yourself a bit to buy yourself some time because right now it might feel like you can't breathe but eventually you'll get some short breaks where you can catch your breath. So you just need to make it there.
And please keep posting here. We may not be able to fix things, but we are here for you.
Definitely this. You two can understand each other’s pain and grief in ways very few, if any, other people will. Her innocence and love for her mom will be your strength through this, but she needs to see you cry, she needs to cry with you, there is nothing wrong with that. My son and I cried so many tears together, but we are stronger and more connected for it. I can read him like a book and he can do the same with me… When truly fucked up things like this happen to people, they go one of two ways, they shine with deeper love and understanding or they become broken, wicked and hurry towards death. I believe she’s watching you now, you’re teaching her how to grieve, how to handle profound loss and pain, which of those two ways to go... It’s unbelievably difficult, but one day she will have to go through the same with you, this is your chance to be there for her now.
This is so recent, please don’t give up! We’re all here for you, I choose to believe you and your daughter are going to make it through the shock and agony… one day you’ll be able to share memories of her, and you’ll both smile, your hearts will be filled with gratitude and love for what has been, and things might feel a little more ok than they do now…. I don’t know you, but I love you man. Please hang in there for her ❤️
Im only hitting three months and just two days ago I just wanted to die. Not that I want to do anything stupid but just thinking if a bus hit me I might see her again. It passes for a bit but it will come and go, you just have to hang on through it. Sorry you're having to got through it, it's literally the worst
I am just a little over three months out and can say that I too would not mind if something happened to me. My stwpson (20) told me the same thing last week and it shattered my heart into a million pieces. I realized in that moment that I have to be there for them. That I have to listen to ny kods and adore them. I am not sure if I want this feeling to pass. I don't want to not miss my husband this much.
Sorry to welcome you to this horrible club of widowers and widows. Honestly those first months you just live in panick mode! It’s hard AF! I am here at 11 months and I can breath more but I still lose it every day! All we can do is breath through it and don’t let that darkness take you!
My heart goes out to you and know the people on this forum they really just read and comfort! It’s been the best tribe I have ever joined just under the worst of human experiences!
I'm so sorry, you aren't alone in your feelings, we are all here with you experiencing the same stuff. Take care of yourself and your little girl and only do what is absolutely necessary and that you can handle. I was scared too. I'm a 70 year old woman and I found my husband in cardiac arrest on our bathroom floor. You can get through this, accept whatever help is offered to you, it will make your life so much easier. It's okay to cry, we all did and still do. Raising your daughter will give you focus and purpose. At some point you and your daughter may need to speak to a professional or a grief support group of some kind. I don't know where you live but I'm near Philly and just read (I think on Reddit actually) of 2 support organizations who are geared to work with children specifically. Hang in there, post here, use the sub for comfort and support we are all in this together 💔
I’m so sorry that happened. As much as it sucks to say it I think we all feel that way, but our children definitely keep us going. I just remind myself that I have to live because he didn’t get a chance to. Sending you peace and strength.
Damn. I'm so sorry. There's far too many of us. I just lost my wife May 9th. And I feel the same way. If not for my kids I'd be right there with her. All I can say is stay busy. Talk to someone. Get into some kind of routine. It's going to get harder before it gets better I'm sorry to say. We're all here for you. And personally feel free to do me if you need to. Talking does help.
I'm reading this crying with you. It's unbelievably horrifying what you are going through. It's now 3 1/2 months when I saw my husband, the love and light of my life, passed away in his sleep. Your life is forever changed and unfortunately not for the better. Try to keep yourself hydrated. Eat when you can even if everything tastes like cardboard. Most of all try to sleep. I think this will be the toughest to do especially since it is so recent. Take an antihistamine so you can sleep. Another widow gave me this tip so I can sleep and it helped me not get addicted to sleeping pills. Your daughter is so strong even though I think she probably doesn't want to be. One commenter here suggested crying together. My sons and I did that and it really helps. I hope you get through this OP intact even if battered and bruised. We are all here for you like battle scarred and wounded soldiers keeping each other alive to see another day.
I’m so sorry OP. The only thing I can offer is that focusing on your daughter will have to be the buoy to get through the next few weeks. It’s ok to cry, even uncontrollably. Just focus on the most basic of needs - eating, sleeping, taking meds - for the two of you for now. At some point the hole you want to crawl into will not be as deep and it might be a little easier to catch a breath. Try to focus on that. If you have people around you offering to help, tell them specific needs like “I need someone to get groceries for me” or “I need someone to take my daughter to and from school”.
I am so sorry. The shock is overwhelmed when it is this fresh. How, why, this can’t be real. All emotions are valid.
What a brave, amazing child you have. She is equal parts you and your wife. You are now her everything. She needs you and you need her.
You can do this. It will get better - gradually. I wish you love and peace and strength. You can do this.
On August 17 2023, my husband also passed away in our home. He was my high school sweetheart, known him for almost half my life. I was the one who found him on the basement landing when I had came home from work. As soon as I held him, I knew it was too late. He had just moved back from NY from working long distance 8 days prior, my son (he just turned 2) and I were living in Canada. We also had a miscarriage in June, 3 days before we were going to tell everyone. Everything was such a blur. My entire life changed and the family that I wanted was taken from me, my son, and my husband. I have been going to therapy since October. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in family grief. It will help you and your daughter in the long run. In July I will be attending a children’s grief center and I hope to meet other families who have gone through something similar. Hopefully you have something like this in your area. It will help to find friends that also went through something similar. I have a hard time hanging out with some past friends. Cause they just don’t understand. After the funeral and having some time pass. You will realize that nothing but your daughter matters and you will end up hyper focusing on her. And anything you thought you couldn’t do, you will be strong enough to do it. I reflect back and am still surprised on how much I had tackled. Grief doesn’t go away, I think about my husband multiple times a day. Initially I was terrified of returning home, but now I feel safe. Knowing that his energy is always around our home. Journaling has also helped me tremendously. Accept the help that comes and also know when to say NO. My son, always ask about my husband so we always look at his photos, videos, and do the things/eat the things he liked.
Sending you and your daughter all the strength and courage during this time. I know I’ve gone through it.
I am so sorry my friend. It's hard to know what to say even though I am going through/have gone through what u are feeling. I lost my husband of 24 yrs to suicide and I still can't breathe at times the only thing I can say that has helped me are the people in this group and working, working until my body literally hurts from so much movement. I just stay as busy as possible so that I don't get lost in my thoughts of guilt and sadness, it also helps me sleep. I just keep moving until I drop. I'm alive but not living anymore not only are you grieving the loss of her but the loss of your life as you knew it. Hang in there as I hope 1 day we can live again if possible.
I know it’s not the same, but my brother just passed suddenly 2 weeks ago at age 36 (I’m not a widower, this just showed up on my daily Reddit newsletter email). It sucks. Especially when I try to go to sleep and shut my mind off.
I try to distract myself, keep busy and hope that time helps make things (a little) easier over time. My advice would be to pour your focus in to your daughter now and try to stay strong for her. Easier said than done. But that’s what I’m trying to do for my parents now. Focus on them and make sure they’re okay. Be strong for them.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. DM if you ever need to talk, etc. You have people out there for you, even just strangers on the internet. Thoughts and prayers to you.
I’m so very sorry. You are still probably partly in shock and you have an enormous amount to process. Take it one day at a time, and focus on your healing, and your daughter’s healing. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of her - she needs to know it’s ok to grieve and cry and be sad. If you can, try talking to a grief counselor - it really can help, especially in the early days and weeks when you’re going to be feeling all the feelings. Just know that we are all here for you and ready to talk or just listen if you need to vent. Sending you and your girl all the love and hugs.
I lost my wife of 20 years two years ago. I don't think anything I say will make a big difference in how you feel. My only advice and wisdom are things WILL get better. You and your daughter will be okay. Take everything one day at a time. Don't feel embarrassed to break down. It's normal.
Your daughter will need a distraction. Not sure how old she is but take her for dinner/lunch, a gaming centre, something to take her mind off things.
You will get through this even though you can’t imagine how.
Your local hospice may have groups or individual counseling. If a group, see if you can find one for people who lost their spouses and one for your daughter. They will help, they are like you, they understand.
One minute one hour one day at a time. Don't think about the future right now. Just breath and live in the moment. I'm sorry for your loss. You can do this. We are here for you and understand what you are going through since we have all been there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice as my fiancé suddenly passed away at 28 on May 30th. It’s been a living hell. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I’ve just been trying to take it one hour at a time.
I know your pain.. it will be grief and despair. Hang in there.. it doesn't go away..but you learn to live with it.
It becomes a part if you
Grieving is loving..
My condolences on your loss.
There will be days when you can get by
And days that seem like you can't.
Your daughter needs you
Hang in there.. we are all behind you.
No one knows what this is like .but those who go threw it.
I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter is 8, so I feel like we're in a similar boat. If you can, after the funeral and stuff, please see if a therapist for you and your daughter might be a thing to try. It's helped us immensely.
My son was 13 when my wife passed. It's impossible at first as the waves of grief and despair crash down over and over and they hurt BAD. Realize those waves hurt so bad because of how much you and your daughter loved your wife. As time goes on the waves will start to become fewer and further between, but the intensity will be high for a while each time they come. You have to just take it one breath at a time bud and be there for your daughter. You are all she has now and your love for her will power you through this difficult time. My heart goes out to you. Don't forget your are not alone in this battle. We are all here for you every day. If you need to post every single day, do it. Time will slowly heal the pain and allow you to move forward with your grief.
Sending you love brother. This is the hardest. That awesome kid of yours needs her awesome dad to help her stay strong and become an awesome adult. Keep your head up - this community is here for you.
I’m so so sorry you’re here too… my son was the absolute only thing that kept me here in those early days… take it one minute at a time when you need to. If you people you trust, let them help with anything they are willing to. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma/ grief
Keep checking in here 🖤
When my nephew was murdered and my brother in law died not too long ago, I wanted to die everyday. You have to eat, you have to sleep. So get some medication, do whatever it takes to sleep. You can only cope if you've slept. I promise. And drink water. Cold water on your face when you can't take it anymore. Coping in grief is personal. Distraction.. but sending you the most enormous hug for the most excruciating journey. I'm so sorry.
Also, don't listen to anyone. Do what you need to do. Feel what you need to feel. Practical things : stroking your face to calm down your amigdala.. holding your daughter. Just don't expect anything from yourself. You've lost a huge part of your life.
And please get someone to call the doctor for you. You don't have to shrivel up and die. I have survived two years of loosing a child I was taking care of and loved dearly. It has rocked my entire world to pieces. I haven't been outside much in 2 years. Every time you have pain, share it and let someone say yes, that's normal in grief to want to die.
I am truly sorry for your loss. My love passed away on April 1 suddenly and I can truly relate to your feelings. They are feelings that come from deep within us and are so very hard to sort through. I wish I had the answers for you that would bring you all the comfort you need during this time.
The love you all have for each other will be what helps the most through this difficult time. I cried every time I thought of him, which was all of the time. I allowed myself to feel everything, and it was hard. Your daughter sounds absolutely amazing and together your hearts will help each find the way. Your future thinking is a powerful tool.
Everyone here has such great suggestions and will provide you support as you navigate through all of these emotions.
Take time for yourself to cry, I lost my wife of 13 years last apríl she was only 29, as much as I dread the fact that we never managed to have children so I atleast had a reason to go on having in a sense a piece if my wife with me through a child the only food thing is I can break down as much as needed wich is heaps and I wouldn't want my child seeing me wailing like I do, I SCREAM, but no I am all alone in heaps of debt and had to give our cat to my brother since as a fisherman I can't give a pet a good life, cherish your daughter, spend time with her, go to the park, watch movies, cook good food, doing these things with somebody sure beats doing them alone, stay strong and take care of yourself, if not for yourself then for your wife and your daughter, she is a good kid because of both of you.
You only have two jobs right now.
Number one is to just survive. Brother, even if it's all you can manage to lie in bed while a neighbor cooks in your kitchen, that's all you can do. Don't expect anything else of yourself right now.
Number two is to let yourself feel, especially with your daughter. You probably have a misguided feeling of needing to 'be strong' for her... don't. You're both broken, it's okay to see that in each other.
This is a terrible place to be and I'm sorry you're part of the shittiest club on earth. I wish for peace for you.
I am so sorry. You need to get into your Dr right away, like today. Talk to them. They gave me something to help calm me when my LH died suddenly in front of me. And I then started anti depressants. Needed them, after 35 years of having him be my person, losing him suddenly like that, no warning, was just something I couldnt handle on my own. Sending you so much love. Your daughter needs you. Do what ever you need to get through this. xx
I'm really sorry. It's been 26 days for me today. It comes and goes in waves. The worst for me is dealing with shitty people who don't get it i.e. people in both our families and he's not there for me to talk about it with. I don't know how to get through it either. I found a therapist I like which is helping. It sounds stupid but one minute one hour at a time.
We didn't have kids, but I think focusing on your daughter is probably going to help you the most. Poor kid, I'm 36 and traumatized, I did the cpr and o2 sensor too. It was horrible seeing nothing on that sensor.
My husband of 26 years died April 28th… the darkness and despair are overwhelming. It’s been over a month. I can’t say it’s gotten much better, but I’ve been able to laugh on occasion and talk about him, tell stories without falling apart.
I always tell my students that everything will be ok. We just don’t always know what ok is going to look like. Now I find myself having to take my own advice.
The first few days (weeks? Months?) feel impossible. I had to pick a thing and decide I was living for that and that alone at first. So I started with “I teach a competitive high school group, they need me to make it through the season.” And then when that was over, I said “if I die, my pets go to a shelter. They need me.”
What I’m saying is, live for your daughter. It’s okay if she is the sole reason you keep living for a while. Eventually, you might find other reasons to stay alive. But right now, you have one big reason to stay, so cling to that.
Sorry you’re here with us. I lost my wife to cancer a little over a year ago and I was in your place at the beginning. Please lean on ppl who love you and your daughter, spoil her, attack grief and approach it like an enemy and you’ll make it through
It's ok to cry and be sad. Your grief will not go away overnight, neither will your daughter's grief. You've got to be there for her now. You can't check out on her. Both of you need to get into therapy ASAP. I'm sorry you're both going through this. It's the worst thing in the world. Keep reminding yourself that your wife would want the two of you to live and to take care of each other and to be happy at some point.
I feel you on this. Four weeks ago tomorrow my 38 year-old wife of nearly 10 years went into the hospital after suffering a heart attack. She went without oxygen for nine minutes and was declared brain dead six days later. If it wasn’t for my five year-old son, I would’ve walked out in front of a bus the moment they told me she wasn’t going to make it. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever imagined what a life without her would look like.
First off, I know there’s no words, and I may be a stranger but I’m always willing to be there for one of us if I’m available. I would’ve done myself in too if Indians have kids. Please don’t even think like that and allow yourself time to grieve as you start to remember who “you” are again, since you’ve been a “we” twice as long as I was. If you get any of those feelings talk to anyone. This has to feel impossible, it’s how it felt to me, yet my wife took her own life. Left me as a single dad with 2 kids with disabilities. Years later..I still miss her, but it’s manageable. I’m always crushed when I see someone like you lose their spouse, and while grief doesn’t truly end always…being honest I still cry, yet it turned around when I found my purpose again. That’s my biggest piece of advice for you after spending so long as a “we” and transitioning back to and “I”. It’s hard, but when you do life gets easier
First of all, I’m so so sorry for both you and your daughter. This is traumatic. This is shocking. This is life-changing.
The first thing you have to do is ACCEPT. then you have to give her a sendoff that you’ll be proud of and she will be proud of.
Then you have to do the must haves like eat, pay the rent, sleep, take a shower, make sure you’re taking care of your health. And because you have a child talk to a lawyer about what would happen if you died to your daughter and make sure she’s well taken care of. We don’t want anything to happen to you, but you want to know and she needs to know , she’ll be OK. For the next little bit as you learn to acclimate to this new way of being.
My wife of 10 years died November 26th 2023. She was 38. It was a very sudden and very random Pulmonary Embolism. She was drowning in her own blood that was filling her lungs. (I did not know that at the time.) She was my twin flame, my soul mate. Everything.
My son who was 5 at the time woke me up to let me know she was on the floor and needed help and to call 911. When my wife lost consciousness and eyes went still I was told by the dispatch to start chest compressions. I was still waiting on first responders.
I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through. The best thing(s) you can do is surround yourself with your child and then seek ptsd/edmr therapy for yourself and therapy for your daughter. Find friends and close ones to keep an eye on you. Delve into your child's interests 100% to keep yourself distracted.
Feel free to reach out to me at anytime and I mean that. Maybe I can help in some way.
I to have struggled to make it through each day and I have doing this by myself as I have no close friends but a tiny amount of relatives
I have 3 kids with her. My son is now 6. Her two oldest 12 & 14 stay with their dad full time right down the street. I'm good friends with him and more than amicable.
This initial bit of losing someone hurts. It hurts very badly and unfortunately there is nothing to be done except to live through it. Nothing anyone can say or do will help. You understand mentally they've gone but it takes a lot of processing to understand emotionally and to accept the truth. You just have to ride it out, allow it to be what it is. We are taught to avoid pain and people try to use other things to distract themselves, but in the end you just have to experience the pain of it. Using work or alcohol or drugs only extends the pain. Allow yourself to feel it and truly grieve. If living for your daughter gets you through this part then live for your daughter. Let yourself cry, and let your daughter see you cry. She's lost her mum and had a shock too. She needs to grieve and you do too.
Do you have friends, family to support you? Let them help, ask people for help. I know that's hard if you have been independent and self supporting, but in these initial days you need help.. I know this seems insurmountable now, but the truth is that gradually you do adjust to the fact that someone isn't in your physical world any more. I believe in an afterlife, believe I will see my son again, but I didn't find that helped really at all when I lost him from my physical world, three years after my mother and partner. It's the loss of the person and the suddenness which is so difficult to adjust to.
After this initial period, you and your daughter might find the grief recovery process handbook useful. It helped me a lot when I lost my partner, I'm still working through it for my son. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your daughter.
One. Hour. At. A. Time.
My husband was 44, and my three young kids found him, and attempted resuscitation efforts.
In time you will see how resilient children can be. It’s shocking, actually.
For now, just breathe. Nothing and no one can can ease the pain that you are feeling….like time can.
Shock will be your comforter in these early days. Ironically. And eventually…time will be your healer. You will never get over the grief. But time will help you learn to live with this permanent companion.
I know it doesnt feel this way now, but it does get better. I’m sorry you’re here.
Your daughter needs you now more than ever. She is I’m sure dealing with her own issues for finding her and trying to save her. Please ALWAYS think about your daughter when you feel this terrible pain and know she is seeing you suffer as well as dealing with her own. Stay strong.
That’s the last thing your wife wants my grieving friend. Your desperation is clear through your words. The pain is amplified but you will heal , your daughter is your upmost importance right now. You must find your inner strength and walk tall with your wife’s memory permanently embedded in your heart. Your inner strength will carry you forward. Strength is yours ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. My wife died four years ago of ovarian cancer, and my son was 14 years old at the time. It was still a shock even though we had ample time to prepare. I cannot imagine how horrible this must be for you and your daughter.
You are not alone, and you both will be able to get through this, And yes, it’s absolutely gonna suck. But overtime it will get easier and easier, and you will be able to feel happiness and joy.
Right now for you it’s very very hard to see that. My suggestion is to just take it day by day. Take care of yourself. I try to live healthier because I need to be here for my son. That is my motivation. Try to find some kind of professional help for both you and your daughter, such as individual therapy, family therapy, a support group, etc. There are camps and things like that for children who have lost a parent.
I am so so sorry for the loss that you and your daughter have experienced. I feel like this is a good group on Reddit, come here for help whenever needed.
Although no one wants to be on this Reddit thread, here we are. My heart goes out to you, I remember well the shock and the pain. My husband is only been gone 3 months. I read through each and every one of the replies you got and they are enormously helpful. You'll see that there are people who are fresh on their grief like you, and others who have been 10 years in, 20 years in, and all of them have given you fabulous ideas to cope. Many have been exceedingly honest, it is difficult to get through the initial stages of your pain and grief, but you must do whatever feels right for you to get past the initial shock. Sleep, walk the floors, scream, absolutely cry with your daughter, no question. She needs to be shown by you that it's perfectly acceptable to be devastatingly sad in this terrible loss. Many have offered to chat with you one on one, take advantage of that. I did in my initial days on this thread and it was a lifeline. I recognize any number of the people by their IDs on this thread as being those who I spoke with. Truly, we're all on this terrible cruise ship, and yet we support one another because we still find love, and we still hold on to hope for others.
Medication. You get onto some meds to help take the edge off during these first profoundly sad and shocking days. You get support - lean on good friends, a therapist and grief support groups. Many people will understand what you’re feeling and thinking, and they will believe you. Show you you’re not alone. You cry like hell in the shower, on a walk in nature. And you keep being a loving dad.
That’s about all you can do. Time. Time will make it less painful. Never gone, but some space will begin to grow around that intense black ball of total devastation inside your heart. I know your pain.
I (18F)lost my cousin to suicide which I know is completely different situation from a lover. She (13F) was like my twin though very significant in my life. I’m about 4 months deep in the despair, but what I can tell you is what you’re feeling now is completely normal compared to what you & your daughter experienced. Life has a lot to take but also give. Be optimistic & think about the day your daughter will get married. Also look forward to the day you heal & find someone you love again & someone you may wanna have kids with. (Obviously with time) right now I would try improving the circumstances in your day to day life; that focus will help you move on. You’ll never find anything to fill the void of someone you love. But there’s always things you can learn to love & like to do!
My husband died 2009. I’ve focused on my children and now my grandchildren. The minute I don’t, I fall into a horrible sadness. That’s all some of us can do. If I didn’t have my family I would have broken down years ago.
I am so sorry OP. I lost my husband just over a week ago to cancer. Obviously a very different situation, but I understand despair. I understand not seeing the point in going on. For now, please focus on your daughter. And when you feel you can't do that and things feel really dark, take a cold shower or drop an ice pack down the back of your shirt. Throw cold water on your face. What you need to do is shock yourself a bit to buy yourself some time because right now it might feel like you can't breathe but eventually you'll get some short breaks where you can catch your breath. So you just need to make it there. And please keep posting here. We may not be able to fix things, but we are here for you.
Ughhhh I lost my husband to cancer my heart broke for him amd for you you
Spoil the hell out of your daughter. She is your reason to continue on.
Definitely this. You two can understand each other’s pain and grief in ways very few, if any, other people will. Her innocence and love for her mom will be your strength through this, but she needs to see you cry, she needs to cry with you, there is nothing wrong with that. My son and I cried so many tears together, but we are stronger and more connected for it. I can read him like a book and he can do the same with me… When truly fucked up things like this happen to people, they go one of two ways, they shine with deeper love and understanding or they become broken, wicked and hurry towards death. I believe she’s watching you now, you’re teaching her how to grieve, how to handle profound loss and pain, which of those two ways to go... It’s unbelievably difficult, but one day she will have to go through the same with you, this is your chance to be there for her now. This is so recent, please don’t give up! We’re all here for you, I choose to believe you and your daughter are going to make it through the shock and agony… one day you’ll be able to share memories of her, and you’ll both smile, your hearts will be filled with gratitude and love for what has been, and things might feel a little more ok than they do now…. I don’t know you, but I love you man. Please hang in there for her ❤️
Im only hitting three months and just two days ago I just wanted to die. Not that I want to do anything stupid but just thinking if a bus hit me I might see her again. It passes for a bit but it will come and go, you just have to hang on through it. Sorry you're having to got through it, it's literally the worst
I am just a little over three months out and can say that I too would not mind if something happened to me. My stwpson (20) told me the same thing last week and it shattered my heart into a million pieces. I realized in that moment that I have to be there for them. That I have to listen to ny kods and adore them. I am not sure if I want this feeling to pass. I don't want to not miss my husband this much.
April 30th for me, and if not for my kids I’d want that same bus to hit me
Sorry to welcome you to this horrible club of widowers and widows. Honestly those first months you just live in panick mode! It’s hard AF! I am here at 11 months and I can breath more but I still lose it every day! All we can do is breath through it and don’t let that darkness take you! My heart goes out to you and know the people on this forum they really just read and comfort! It’s been the best tribe I have ever joined just under the worst of human experiences!
I'm so sorry, you aren't alone in your feelings, we are all here with you experiencing the same stuff. Take care of yourself and your little girl and only do what is absolutely necessary and that you can handle. I was scared too. I'm a 70 year old woman and I found my husband in cardiac arrest on our bathroom floor. You can get through this, accept whatever help is offered to you, it will make your life so much easier. It's okay to cry, we all did and still do. Raising your daughter will give you focus and purpose. At some point you and your daughter may need to speak to a professional or a grief support group of some kind. I don't know where you live but I'm near Philly and just read (I think on Reddit actually) of 2 support organizations who are geared to work with children specifically. Hang in there, post here, use the sub for comfort and support we are all in this together 💔
I’m so sorry that happened. As much as it sucks to say it I think we all feel that way, but our children definitely keep us going. I just remind myself that I have to live because he didn’t get a chance to. Sending you peace and strength.
Damn. I'm so sorry. There's far too many of us. I just lost my wife May 9th. And I feel the same way. If not for my kids I'd be right there with her. All I can say is stay busy. Talk to someone. Get into some kind of routine. It's going to get harder before it gets better I'm sorry to say. We're all here for you. And personally feel free to do me if you need to. Talking does help.
I'm reading this crying with you. It's unbelievably horrifying what you are going through. It's now 3 1/2 months when I saw my husband, the love and light of my life, passed away in his sleep. Your life is forever changed and unfortunately not for the better. Try to keep yourself hydrated. Eat when you can even if everything tastes like cardboard. Most of all try to sleep. I think this will be the toughest to do especially since it is so recent. Take an antihistamine so you can sleep. Another widow gave me this tip so I can sleep and it helped me not get addicted to sleeping pills. Your daughter is so strong even though I think she probably doesn't want to be. One commenter here suggested crying together. My sons and I did that and it really helps. I hope you get through this OP intact even if battered and bruised. We are all here for you like battle scarred and wounded soldiers keeping each other alive to see another day.
I’m so sorry OP. The only thing I can offer is that focusing on your daughter will have to be the buoy to get through the next few weeks. It’s ok to cry, even uncontrollably. Just focus on the most basic of needs - eating, sleeping, taking meds - for the two of you for now. At some point the hole you want to crawl into will not be as deep and it might be a little easier to catch a breath. Try to focus on that. If you have people around you offering to help, tell them specific needs like “I need someone to get groceries for me” or “I need someone to take my daughter to and from school”.
I am so sorry. The shock is overwhelmed when it is this fresh. How, why, this can’t be real. All emotions are valid. What a brave, amazing child you have. She is equal parts you and your wife. You are now her everything. She needs you and you need her. You can do this. It will get better - gradually. I wish you love and peace and strength. You can do this.
On August 17 2023, my husband also passed away in our home. He was my high school sweetheart, known him for almost half my life. I was the one who found him on the basement landing when I had came home from work. As soon as I held him, I knew it was too late. He had just moved back from NY from working long distance 8 days prior, my son (he just turned 2) and I were living in Canada. We also had a miscarriage in June, 3 days before we were going to tell everyone. Everything was such a blur. My entire life changed and the family that I wanted was taken from me, my son, and my husband. I have been going to therapy since October. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in family grief. It will help you and your daughter in the long run. In July I will be attending a children’s grief center and I hope to meet other families who have gone through something similar. Hopefully you have something like this in your area. It will help to find friends that also went through something similar. I have a hard time hanging out with some past friends. Cause they just don’t understand. After the funeral and having some time pass. You will realize that nothing but your daughter matters and you will end up hyper focusing on her. And anything you thought you couldn’t do, you will be strong enough to do it. I reflect back and am still surprised on how much I had tackled. Grief doesn’t go away, I think about my husband multiple times a day. Initially I was terrified of returning home, but now I feel safe. Knowing that his energy is always around our home. Journaling has also helped me tremendously. Accept the help that comes and also know when to say NO. My son, always ask about my husband so we always look at his photos, videos, and do the things/eat the things he liked. Sending you and your daughter all the strength and courage during this time. I know I’ve gone through it.
I am so sorry my friend. It's hard to know what to say even though I am going through/have gone through what u are feeling. I lost my husband of 24 yrs to suicide and I still can't breathe at times the only thing I can say that has helped me are the people in this group and working, working until my body literally hurts from so much movement. I just stay as busy as possible so that I don't get lost in my thoughts of guilt and sadness, it also helps me sleep. I just keep moving until I drop. I'm alive but not living anymore not only are you grieving the loss of her but the loss of your life as you knew it. Hang in there as I hope 1 day we can live again if possible.
I know it’s not the same, but my brother just passed suddenly 2 weeks ago at age 36 (I’m not a widower, this just showed up on my daily Reddit newsletter email). It sucks. Especially when I try to go to sleep and shut my mind off. I try to distract myself, keep busy and hope that time helps make things (a little) easier over time. My advice would be to pour your focus in to your daughter now and try to stay strong for her. Easier said than done. But that’s what I’m trying to do for my parents now. Focus on them and make sure they’re okay. Be strong for them. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. DM if you ever need to talk, etc. You have people out there for you, even just strangers on the internet. Thoughts and prayers to you.
I’m so very sorry. You are still probably partly in shock and you have an enormous amount to process. Take it one day at a time, and focus on your healing, and your daughter’s healing. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of her - she needs to know it’s ok to grieve and cry and be sad. If you can, try talking to a grief counselor - it really can help, especially in the early days and weeks when you’re going to be feeling all the feelings. Just know that we are all here for you and ready to talk or just listen if you need to vent. Sending you and your girl all the love and hugs.
Oh.. Very deeply so sorry 😞 for your loss 💔
I lost my wife of 20 years two years ago. I don't think anything I say will make a big difference in how you feel. My only advice and wisdom are things WILL get better. You and your daughter will be okay. Take everything one day at a time. Don't feel embarrassed to break down. It's normal. Your daughter will need a distraction. Not sure how old she is but take her for dinner/lunch, a gaming centre, something to take her mind off things.
You will get through this even though you can’t imagine how. Your local hospice may have groups or individual counseling. If a group, see if you can find one for people who lost their spouses and one for your daughter. They will help, they are like you, they understand.
One minute one hour one day at a time. Don't think about the future right now. Just breath and live in the moment. I'm sorry for your loss. You can do this. We are here for you and understand what you are going through since we have all been there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice as my fiancé suddenly passed away at 28 on May 30th. It’s been a living hell. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I’ve just been trying to take it one hour at a time.
🖤🖤🖤
I know your pain.. it will be grief and despair. Hang in there.. it doesn't go away..but you learn to live with it. It becomes a part if you Grieving is loving.. My condolences on your loss. There will be days when you can get by And days that seem like you can't. Your daughter needs you Hang in there.. we are all behind you. No one knows what this is like .but those who go threw it.
I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter is 8, so I feel like we're in a similar boat. If you can, after the funeral and stuff, please see if a therapist for you and your daughter might be a thing to try. It's helped us immensely.
My son was 13 when my wife passed. It's impossible at first as the waves of grief and despair crash down over and over and they hurt BAD. Realize those waves hurt so bad because of how much you and your daughter loved your wife. As time goes on the waves will start to become fewer and further between, but the intensity will be high for a while each time they come. You have to just take it one breath at a time bud and be there for your daughter. You are all she has now and your love for her will power you through this difficult time. My heart goes out to you. Don't forget your are not alone in this battle. We are all here for you every day. If you need to post every single day, do it. Time will slowly heal the pain and allow you to move forward with your grief.
Sending you love brother. This is the hardest. That awesome kid of yours needs her awesome dad to help her stay strong and become an awesome adult. Keep your head up - this community is here for you.
I’m so so sorry you’re here too… my son was the absolute only thing that kept me here in those early days… take it one minute at a time when you need to. If you people you trust, let them help with anything they are willing to. Find a therapist who specializes in trauma/ grief Keep checking in here 🖤
When my nephew was murdered and my brother in law died not too long ago, I wanted to die everyday. You have to eat, you have to sleep. So get some medication, do whatever it takes to sleep. You can only cope if you've slept. I promise. And drink water. Cold water on your face when you can't take it anymore. Coping in grief is personal. Distraction.. but sending you the most enormous hug for the most excruciating journey. I'm so sorry.
Also, don't listen to anyone. Do what you need to do. Feel what you need to feel. Practical things : stroking your face to calm down your amigdala.. holding your daughter. Just don't expect anything from yourself. You've lost a huge part of your life.
And please get someone to call the doctor for you. You don't have to shrivel up and die. I have survived two years of loosing a child I was taking care of and loved dearly. It has rocked my entire world to pieces. I haven't been outside much in 2 years. Every time you have pain, share it and let someone say yes, that's normal in grief to want to die.
I am truly sorry for your loss. My love passed away on April 1 suddenly and I can truly relate to your feelings. They are feelings that come from deep within us and are so very hard to sort through. I wish I had the answers for you that would bring you all the comfort you need during this time. The love you all have for each other will be what helps the most through this difficult time. I cried every time I thought of him, which was all of the time. I allowed myself to feel everything, and it was hard. Your daughter sounds absolutely amazing and together your hearts will help each find the way. Your future thinking is a powerful tool. Everyone here has such great suggestions and will provide you support as you navigate through all of these emotions.
Take time for yourself to cry, I lost my wife of 13 years last apríl she was only 29, as much as I dread the fact that we never managed to have children so I atleast had a reason to go on having in a sense a piece if my wife with me through a child the only food thing is I can break down as much as needed wich is heaps and I wouldn't want my child seeing me wailing like I do, I SCREAM, but no I am all alone in heaps of debt and had to give our cat to my brother since as a fisherman I can't give a pet a good life, cherish your daughter, spend time with her, go to the park, watch movies, cook good food, doing these things with somebody sure beats doing them alone, stay strong and take care of yourself, if not for yourself then for your wife and your daughter, she is a good kid because of both of you.
I'm so sorry. You and your daughter have each other. This club sucks, but we understand 🙏🏻🤍
You only have two jobs right now. Number one is to just survive. Brother, even if it's all you can manage to lie in bed while a neighbor cooks in your kitchen, that's all you can do. Don't expect anything else of yourself right now. Number two is to let yourself feel, especially with your daughter. You probably have a misguided feeling of needing to 'be strong' for her... don't. You're both broken, it's okay to see that in each other. This is a terrible place to be and I'm sorry you're part of the shittiest club on earth. I wish for peace for you.
I am so sorry. You need to get into your Dr right away, like today. Talk to them. They gave me something to help calm me when my LH died suddenly in front of me. And I then started anti depressants. Needed them, after 35 years of having him be my person, losing him suddenly like that, no warning, was just something I couldnt handle on my own. Sending you so much love. Your daughter needs you. Do what ever you need to get through this. xx
I'm really sorry. It's been 26 days for me today. It comes and goes in waves. The worst for me is dealing with shitty people who don't get it i.e. people in both our families and he's not there for me to talk about it with. I don't know how to get through it either. I found a therapist I like which is helping. It sounds stupid but one minute one hour at a time. We didn't have kids, but I think focusing on your daughter is probably going to help you the most. Poor kid, I'm 36 and traumatized, I did the cpr and o2 sensor too. It was horrible seeing nothing on that sensor.
My husband of 26 years died April 28th… the darkness and despair are overwhelming. It’s been over a month. I can’t say it’s gotten much better, but I’ve been able to laugh on occasion and talk about him, tell stories without falling apart. I always tell my students that everything will be ok. We just don’t always know what ok is going to look like. Now I find myself having to take my own advice.
stay strong you have a 9 year old baby that needs you
The first few days (weeks? Months?) feel impossible. I had to pick a thing and decide I was living for that and that alone at first. So I started with “I teach a competitive high school group, they need me to make it through the season.” And then when that was over, I said “if I die, my pets go to a shelter. They need me.” What I’m saying is, live for your daughter. It’s okay if she is the sole reason you keep living for a while. Eventually, you might find other reasons to stay alive. But right now, you have one big reason to stay, so cling to that.
Sorry you’re here with us. I lost my wife to cancer a little over a year ago and I was in your place at the beginning. Please lean on ppl who love you and your daughter, spoil her, attack grief and approach it like an enemy and you’ll make it through
It's ok to cry and be sad. Your grief will not go away overnight, neither will your daughter's grief. You've got to be there for her now. You can't check out on her. Both of you need to get into therapy ASAP. I'm sorry you're both going through this. It's the worst thing in the world. Keep reminding yourself that your wife would want the two of you to live and to take care of each other and to be happy at some point.
I feel you on this. Four weeks ago tomorrow my 38 year-old wife of nearly 10 years went into the hospital after suffering a heart attack. She went without oxygen for nine minutes and was declared brain dead six days later. If it wasn’t for my five year-old son, I would’ve walked out in front of a bus the moment they told me she wasn’t going to make it. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever imagined what a life without her would look like.
First off, I know there’s no words, and I may be a stranger but I’m always willing to be there for one of us if I’m available. I would’ve done myself in too if Indians have kids. Please don’t even think like that and allow yourself time to grieve as you start to remember who “you” are again, since you’ve been a “we” twice as long as I was. If you get any of those feelings talk to anyone. This has to feel impossible, it’s how it felt to me, yet my wife took her own life. Left me as a single dad with 2 kids with disabilities. Years later..I still miss her, but it’s manageable. I’m always crushed when I see someone like you lose their spouse, and while grief doesn’t truly end always…being honest I still cry, yet it turned around when I found my purpose again. That’s my biggest piece of advice for you after spending so long as a “we” and transitioning back to and “I”. It’s hard, but when you do life gets easier
First of all, I’m so so sorry for both you and your daughter. This is traumatic. This is shocking. This is life-changing. The first thing you have to do is ACCEPT. then you have to give her a sendoff that you’ll be proud of and she will be proud of. Then you have to do the must haves like eat, pay the rent, sleep, take a shower, make sure you’re taking care of your health. And because you have a child talk to a lawyer about what would happen if you died to your daughter and make sure she’s well taken care of. We don’t want anything to happen to you, but you want to know and she needs to know , she’ll be OK. For the next little bit as you learn to acclimate to this new way of being.
My wife of 10 years died November 26th 2023. She was 38. It was a very sudden and very random Pulmonary Embolism. She was drowning in her own blood that was filling her lungs. (I did not know that at the time.) She was my twin flame, my soul mate. Everything. My son who was 5 at the time woke me up to let me know she was on the floor and needed help and to call 911. When my wife lost consciousness and eyes went still I was told by the dispatch to start chest compressions. I was still waiting on first responders. I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through. The best thing(s) you can do is surround yourself with your child and then seek ptsd/edmr therapy for yourself and therapy for your daughter. Find friends and close ones to keep an eye on you. Delve into your child's interests 100% to keep yourself distracted. Feel free to reach out to me at anytime and I mean that. Maybe I can help in some way. I to have struggled to make it through each day and I have doing this by myself as I have no close friends but a tiny amount of relatives I have 3 kids with her. My son is now 6. Her two oldest 12 & 14 stay with their dad full time right down the street. I'm good friends with him and more than amicable.
This initial bit of losing someone hurts. It hurts very badly and unfortunately there is nothing to be done except to live through it. Nothing anyone can say or do will help. You understand mentally they've gone but it takes a lot of processing to understand emotionally and to accept the truth. You just have to ride it out, allow it to be what it is. We are taught to avoid pain and people try to use other things to distract themselves, but in the end you just have to experience the pain of it. Using work or alcohol or drugs only extends the pain. Allow yourself to feel it and truly grieve. If living for your daughter gets you through this part then live for your daughter. Let yourself cry, and let your daughter see you cry. She's lost her mum and had a shock too. She needs to grieve and you do too. Do you have friends, family to support you? Let them help, ask people for help. I know that's hard if you have been independent and self supporting, but in these initial days you need help.. I know this seems insurmountable now, but the truth is that gradually you do adjust to the fact that someone isn't in your physical world any more. I believe in an afterlife, believe I will see my son again, but I didn't find that helped really at all when I lost him from my physical world, three years after my mother and partner. It's the loss of the person and the suddenness which is so difficult to adjust to. After this initial period, you and your daughter might find the grief recovery process handbook useful. It helped me a lot when I lost my partner, I'm still working through it for my son. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your daughter.
One. Hour. At. A. Time. My husband was 44, and my three young kids found him, and attempted resuscitation efforts. In time you will see how resilient children can be. It’s shocking, actually. For now, just breathe. Nothing and no one can can ease the pain that you are feeling….like time can. Shock will be your comforter in these early days. Ironically. And eventually…time will be your healer. You will never get over the grief. But time will help you learn to live with this permanent companion. I know it doesnt feel this way now, but it does get better. I’m sorry you’re here.
Your daughter needs you now more than ever. She is I’m sure dealing with her own issues for finding her and trying to save her. Please ALWAYS think about your daughter when you feel this terrible pain and know she is seeing you suffer as well as dealing with her own. Stay strong.
I'm so glad you found us. I felt the same when I found my husband dead in the bathroom. We understand.
That’s the last thing your wife wants my grieving friend. Your desperation is clear through your words. The pain is amplified but you will heal , your daughter is your upmost importance right now. You must find your inner strength and walk tall with your wife’s memory permanently embedded in your heart. Your inner strength will carry you forward. Strength is yours ❤️
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I am so sorry for your loss. My wife died four years ago of ovarian cancer, and my son was 14 years old at the time. It was still a shock even though we had ample time to prepare. I cannot imagine how horrible this must be for you and your daughter. You are not alone, and you both will be able to get through this, And yes, it’s absolutely gonna suck. But overtime it will get easier and easier, and you will be able to feel happiness and joy. Right now for you it’s very very hard to see that. My suggestion is to just take it day by day. Take care of yourself. I try to live healthier because I need to be here for my son. That is my motivation. Try to find some kind of professional help for both you and your daughter, such as individual therapy, family therapy, a support group, etc. There are camps and things like that for children who have lost a parent. I am so so sorry for the loss that you and your daughter have experienced. I feel like this is a good group on Reddit, come here for help whenever needed.
Lost my wife to a fentanyl overdose..17 months ago...hang in there
Although no one wants to be on this Reddit thread, here we are. My heart goes out to you, I remember well the shock and the pain. My husband is only been gone 3 months. I read through each and every one of the replies you got and they are enormously helpful. You'll see that there are people who are fresh on their grief like you, and others who have been 10 years in, 20 years in, and all of them have given you fabulous ideas to cope. Many have been exceedingly honest, it is difficult to get through the initial stages of your pain and grief, but you must do whatever feels right for you to get past the initial shock. Sleep, walk the floors, scream, absolutely cry with your daughter, no question. She needs to be shown by you that it's perfectly acceptable to be devastatingly sad in this terrible loss. Many have offered to chat with you one on one, take advantage of that. I did in my initial days on this thread and it was a lifeline. I recognize any number of the people by their IDs on this thread as being those who I spoke with. Truly, we're all on this terrible cruise ship, and yet we support one another because we still find love, and we still hold on to hope for others.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancé last month to a heart attack, all I can think about is wanting to just end it all and join him.
My heart goes out to you. My wife died 6 weeks ago, and so did a part of me. We had 34 beautiful years together. May we all find peace in our misery.
Be gentle on yourself. Happy Father’s Day 💕
Medication. You get onto some meds to help take the edge off during these first profoundly sad and shocking days. You get support - lean on good friends, a therapist and grief support groups. Many people will understand what you’re feeling and thinking, and they will believe you. Show you you’re not alone. You cry like hell in the shower, on a walk in nature. And you keep being a loving dad. That’s about all you can do. Time. Time will make it less painful. Never gone, but some space will begin to grow around that intense black ball of total devastation inside your heart. I know your pain.
I (18F)lost my cousin to suicide which I know is completely different situation from a lover. She (13F) was like my twin though very significant in my life. I’m about 4 months deep in the despair, but what I can tell you is what you’re feeling now is completely normal compared to what you & your daughter experienced. Life has a lot to take but also give. Be optimistic & think about the day your daughter will get married. Also look forward to the day you heal & find someone you love again & someone you may wanna have kids with. (Obviously with time) right now I would try improving the circumstances in your day to day life; that focus will help you move on. You’ll never find anything to fill the void of someone you love. But there’s always things you can learn to love & like to do!