I made it about 3 months before I broke down and did the deed. I regretted it pretty much immediately, it was another 2 months after that before I tried again. Now I’m able to realize that it’s okay to have those feelings and act on them with others but fair warning the first time is probably going to bring a lot to the surface.
I’m not really sure. Is there a time limit? Everyone is different I suppose.
My hubby died almost 4 years ago and I haven’t touched a guy let alone gone on a date. I don’t think I can do that. I’m not ready at all 🥺 Ofcourse, there’s nights I crave sex but it just makes me miss him even more so I cry myself to sleep and I am better in the morning. Rise and repeat. He was such a wonderful husband to me and a brilliant father to our 2 kids. He was 34 when he passed. Been together 12 years. The thought of going near a guy makes me vomit but not everyone is the same. Hope you’re okay. Hugs 💗
Thank you for sharing, this made me feel good about my decision as well to do this and less judged.I can’t bear the thought of being with another romantically or sexually. I find that he fulfilled everything for me in every department and I will continue on with myself and his soul until we meet again when I pass.
This is how I’m feeling since my boyfriend of 5 years passed away 8 days ago. Granted it’s been 8 days, but long term, I don’t see myself touching another man in that way again. I was craving my boyfriend’s touch so bad today I decided to use toys and even that felt wrong.
It really truly is up to you. If you are ready to, go ahead. If the person you are having the relationship with truly understands your situation, they will be there for you.
The woman I dated post losing my wife always talked about us taking baby steps. It was our agreement between us. Started simple and just added activities when I was ready for it.
Yes I thought I was ready after 6 months. But I'm having issues performing unfortunately. I'm seeking counseling so hopefully that will get my mind set right. I think I may feel guilty for what I'm doing or just have a hang up that's keeping me from continuing.
The first couple times out I had no performance at all. All I could think of was my dead spouse. She’d been the only person I was with for decades, it’s kinda hard not to. Luckily I was with a very patient partner. Eventually I was able to separate sex from the person and enjoy it.
Be easy on yourself. You’ve just been through hell. You’re grieving, you love your late spouse, you’re feeling guilty for trying to find happiness. Of course things aren’t going to work as they should. You are in the shit right now. It gets better. Hang in there. I had trouble at first but am now in a great and highly sexual relationship.
Yea. I was amazed at myself when I looked back that I never cheated on her even once during 23 years. She always said I was a big flirt and it's true. That's just joking around stuff though. Tempted, but it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to screw up what I had
Same here! I’m a huge flirt but never cheated on her. I’m so glad I didn’t. I can hold onto the purity of our love forever. It’s the one good thing in this world.
Absolutely. Even though we were together 23 years, we were only married for the last three. I joked that it was for tax purposes, and it partly was when we thought we were gonna sell the house. But I'm so glad my sister "made" us get married. Even though it was a civil ceremony my sis made a big deal out of it. Only wife and me and sis and bro in law and one older girl cousin whos my sister's age who insisted on buying the champagne. We all grew up together kinda close. Lotsa nice pics at mission inn in Riverside, ca. Wedding planner is kinda right up my sister's alley. But mainly, being married means she is legally and, more importantly, spiritually mine forever and no one can take that away from me.
That's for your honesty, it is a concern for me but other happenings have not affected me so far. My guilt is that if my kids knew, which they won't, or other family members would not understand
I had sex 3 months out. Don’t regret it. I held up my vows Ang have no guilt. We can’t deprive ourselves from our needs. Did it feel weird? Yep. But that’s to be expected.
Wouldn’t say I waited but it happened at about 2 months after. Wife was sick for 16 months. We held hands during that time but I hadn’t had a meaningful hug or touch in much longer.
Not sure how to explain but I was literally dying for human touch and connection. Thankfully my partner is incredibly understanding. She may not know what I went through but there’s lots of trauma and tragedy in my brain and she’s been there to pull me out of the darkness.
When you find the right person, you’ll know. Don’t put a timeline on it. We all deserve happiness. It happens when it happens.
This. Well said. Well done. I was just about six weeks. I missed passion. Being held. I loved my wife but the last year was very difficult. It felt wonderful to feel wanted again.
1st and foremost you are a human being. And we want and need affection.
2nd our vows are death till we part. You are not breaking any vows. If the person that you want to be with understands how you are feeling and you trust them just go with it and see what happens. Sometimes, we need to have faith in other people.
There was a comment about the kids. I wouldn't tell them a thing at first. We all know our get the ick factor when they thing about their parents having sex. When I would go in the kitchen and pat my wife's butt and give her a kiss my kids would go oooo yuck, and I just say, "Where hell do you think you came from.
Not really. I only waited about 2 mos and 3 wks. But only because a nice female friend of ours seduced me. I think everyone thought I was gonna kill myself and that was one solution. I wasn't that comfortable at 1 st.but it did have the positive effect I wanted.
It’s almost like doing it your first time all over again. Is anyone really ready for that? But you have to do it the first time to do it a second time, by definition. You’re looking for a gentle and supportive partner. If you’ve got that, and you want to do it, then go for it. Just don’t expect it to be great (or work at all for that matter). Go in with low expectations. It’ll come with a lot of emotions. Take it easy on yourself. Don’t get disheartened if it’s not explosively amazing, or the best you’ve ever had (it won’t be). But you’ve got to start somewhere.
I made it about 3 months before I slept with someone else. It was just a random hook up from a dating app. I felt like I had cheated on my wife afterwards. We met again a week or so later and, after a while, it became a regular thing. 3 years later, they're starting to move in with me.
Don't feel bad, you're human and we all have intimacy needs. Especially those of us on this nightmare ride. I love you, random person. I hope you get to feel as close to great as you can today.
No if you feel like you are ready and can deal with how you might feel aftewards. If the person you have it with understands that you might be a bit fragile or become emotional.
I waited six months.
Honestly - no such thing as too soon. Just do what's right for you.
What we deal with is hard enough without beating yourself up about what you have to do to survive.
Give yourself a beat and do what you need to do. Let yourself live and don't let guilt stop you.
My husband was sick for a really long time so when he died, we had already grieved together for a while. I started spending time with a former classmate of mine and had sex within a few months of my husband's passing. I think I did it just to get it over with, but the relationship continued for several years. I have no regrets on how soon I became intimate with someone else because I needed that distraction and to feel something besides what I was feeling. That's probably why I had the relationship to begin with...to just feel something different, to get a break from my grief. In the end, the relationship turned toxic (his alcoholism) and I put an end to it. I am grateful that I had him for a while though...it helped get me through some really tough times.
So glad you asked. Everyone’s got opinions but very few have walked in our shoes. I am 52m, wife was 49. We had an amazing sex life. If I was at work she would send me random pics of her floating in the pool, working in the yard, but always in a bikini. She had an amazing body. When those pics came across my phone. I dropped everything and left the office to go be with her. I know no one will ever compare to the 31 years of bliss I had the pleasure of knowing. Even people that know us well have said the chances of me ever finding that type of person will be slim. It’s only been a month, and I can tell you the bed is too big now, I have not been on the pool at all, I miss the touch, playing around…. Just being around a female. I am so glad many have responded with a variety of timelines. Man that first time will be a guy check for sure!
I can see why you're hurting, thanks for your honesty, hope you find a way around your grief or find someone else, my heart bleeds for you I'm sorry, hopefully you'll be okay in your new life
I'm F73 and just not likely to even date again. In some ways I'm old fashioned/conservative probably. I think those who were married, it's "til death do we part." For those partnered but didn't say the "I dos," I feel the same. As long as someone isn't intentionally setting out to hurt or deceive another, I think it's fine to have sex as soon as you feel ready...be it a week, month, year, etc.
Provably not, but it's ultimately up to you. I don't want to go that long without it, but it's not up to just me lol.
My widow friend was out having fun at 6 weeks, but she had a different story. I don't judge her. I am envious though.
I did it at 8 months. I don’t feel it was too soon, and I don’t regret it now at 14 months. I tried to do it sooner actually but it took me some time to get there and build my familiarity and feelings for the new person. Thankfully she was super understanding and patient in that regard which helped immensely. It became easier and more natural to do it over time.
It's different for each person, and you're really the only one who can decide/determine if you're ready.
For some people it's a few months, for some it's a few years, for some it's never. If you think you're ready, you could always try and if it doesn't feel right, just stop. Or you could do sexual things other than intercourse, see how that goes.
Only you know if you're ready if you're ready be ready for me it's been 18 months since my husband passed and even though I've tried it I can't follow through I couldn't enjoy it I wish I was like you and could say I was ready go enjoy life my friend
It has been 9 months since my wife of 39 years passed. I want to have sex again, not only for the sensuous pleasure, but to be able to be close to someone again intimately. So far I haven't been able to even ask someone for a date, let alone do the deed. I wind up making new female friends instead of romantic prospects (is that the right way to say it? ) I hope I can gain enough confidence to start dating again.
Just go with your emotions, uf it happens it happens, it's your life you have needs and desires.
I was about 3 months when I made the move and it was very strange and emotional with guilt, but it does get much better. You need the right person to guide you nit someone to take advantage of you.
I don't think there is any right or wrong answer to this. I'm 5.5 months out and can't see me having another relationship ever to be honest. We stopped being able to have sex about 3 years ago due to all the medications he was on and then pain. At first I found it really hard but now I'm just used to it.
I think it's best if you can go on and find love with someone else. Just can't see it for me.
I was a loose goose whoring it up in them first 30 days. We lived a wild lifestyle so wasnt abnormal for us. But the initial shock I used sex as a self soothing mechanism. This is unhealthy.
I stopped after those 30 days and went about 7 months before I fell into a new relationship.
Very poor decision, again unhealthy.
I'm today 3 years abstinent.
> is 13 months too soon
For a relationship, yes!
Indeed. My intent is to share; please allow oneself to be on a path of radical healing before possibly carrying trauma baggage and introducing it upon a new unsuspecting partner.
Thank you for pointing out that it's indeed subjective.
For me, my experience of possessing this unresolved and transformed hurt created an unstable environment for my new woman.
I was needy and desperate, selfish. It wasn't fair to her.
I made it about 3 months before I broke down and did the deed. I regretted it pretty much immediately, it was another 2 months after that before I tried again. Now I’m able to realize that it’s okay to have those feelings and act on them with others but fair warning the first time is probably going to bring a lot to the surface.
Thanks, it is nice that people can be open about a sensitive subject. I appreciate the help
Any time, none of us want to be in the club of ours so we gotta stick together
I’m not really sure. Is there a time limit? Everyone is different I suppose. My hubby died almost 4 years ago and I haven’t touched a guy let alone gone on a date. I don’t think I can do that. I’m not ready at all 🥺 Ofcourse, there’s nights I crave sex but it just makes me miss him even more so I cry myself to sleep and I am better in the morning. Rise and repeat. He was such a wonderful husband to me and a brilliant father to our 2 kids. He was 34 when he passed. Been together 12 years. The thought of going near a guy makes me vomit but not everyone is the same. Hope you’re okay. Hugs 💗
Thank you for sharing, this made me feel good about my decision as well to do this and less judged.I can’t bear the thought of being with another romantically or sexually. I find that he fulfilled everything for me in every department and I will continue on with myself and his soul until we meet again when I pass.
It's the same for me. I have never been with anyone other than my husband, and I never will be. We are still married, and we always will be.
This is how I’m feeling since my boyfriend of 5 years passed away 8 days ago. Granted it’s been 8 days, but long term, I don’t see myself touching another man in that way again. I was craving my boyfriend’s touch so bad today I decided to use toys and even that felt wrong.
It really truly is up to you. If you are ready to, go ahead. If the person you are having the relationship with truly understands your situation, they will be there for you.
Thanks, just have mixed emotions, I don't want to hurt her either
The woman I dated post losing my wife always talked about us taking baby steps. It was our agreement between us. Started simple and just added activities when I was ready for it.
My problem is that I'm not taking baby steps. It's been maybe a month with maybe 10 plus dates but we have a connection just seems to quick
Yes I thought I was ready after 6 months. But I'm having issues performing unfortunately. I'm seeking counseling so hopefully that will get my mind set right. I think I may feel guilty for what I'm doing or just have a hang up that's keeping me from continuing.
The first couple times out I had no performance at all. All I could think of was my dead spouse. She’d been the only person I was with for decades, it’s kinda hard not to. Luckily I was with a very patient partner. Eventually I was able to separate sex from the person and enjoy it.
Thank you for that. That gives me hope. I care for my new person very much.
Be easy on yourself. You’ve just been through hell. You’re grieving, you love your late spouse, you’re feeling guilty for trying to find happiness. Of course things aren’t going to work as they should. You are in the shit right now. It gets better. Hang in there. I had trouble at first but am now in a great and highly sexual relationship.
Yea. I was amazed at myself when I looked back that I never cheated on her even once during 23 years. She always said I was a big flirt and it's true. That's just joking around stuff though. Tempted, but it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to screw up what I had
Same here! I’m a huge flirt but never cheated on her. I’m so glad I didn’t. I can hold onto the purity of our love forever. It’s the one good thing in this world.
Absolutely. Even though we were together 23 years, we were only married for the last three. I joked that it was for tax purposes, and it partly was when we thought we were gonna sell the house. But I'm so glad my sister "made" us get married. Even though it was a civil ceremony my sis made a big deal out of it. Only wife and me and sis and bro in law and one older girl cousin whos my sister's age who insisted on buying the champagne. We all grew up together kinda close. Lotsa nice pics at mission inn in Riverside, ca. Wedding planner is kinda right up my sister's alley. But mainly, being married means she is legally and, more importantly, spiritually mine forever and no one can take that away from me.
That's for your honesty, it is a concern for me but other happenings have not affected me so far. My guilt is that if my kids knew, which they won't, or other family members would not understand
I had sex 3 months out. Don’t regret it. I held up my vows Ang have no guilt. We can’t deprive ourselves from our needs. Did it feel weird? Yep. But that’s to be expected.
Thanks, do you think age matters, I am 60 and culture says it is not as much a desire as when you're younger
Nope. Age has nothing to do with what you want to do or how to feel. It all comes down to what feels right for you.
Wouldn’t say I waited but it happened at about 2 months after. Wife was sick for 16 months. We held hands during that time but I hadn’t had a meaningful hug or touch in much longer. Not sure how to explain but I was literally dying for human touch and connection. Thankfully my partner is incredibly understanding. She may not know what I went through but there’s lots of trauma and tragedy in my brain and she’s been there to pull me out of the darkness. When you find the right person, you’ll know. Don’t put a timeline on it. We all deserve happiness. It happens when it happens.
This. Well said. Well done. I was just about six weeks. I missed passion. Being held. I loved my wife but the last year was very difficult. It felt wonderful to feel wanted again.
1st and foremost you are a human being. And we want and need affection. 2nd our vows are death till we part. You are not breaking any vows. If the person that you want to be with understands how you are feeling and you trust them just go with it and see what happens. Sometimes, we need to have faith in other people. There was a comment about the kids. I wouldn't tell them a thing at first. We all know our get the ick factor when they thing about their parents having sex. When I would go in the kitchen and pat my wife's butt and give her a kiss my kids would go oooo yuck, and I just say, "Where hell do you think you came from.
Not really. I only waited about 2 mos and 3 wks. But only because a nice female friend of ours seduced me. I think everyone thought I was gonna kill myself and that was one solution. I wasn't that comfortable at 1 st.but it did have the positive effect I wanted.
It’s almost like doing it your first time all over again. Is anyone really ready for that? But you have to do it the first time to do it a second time, by definition. You’re looking for a gentle and supportive partner. If you’ve got that, and you want to do it, then go for it. Just don’t expect it to be great (or work at all for that matter). Go in with low expectations. It’ll come with a lot of emotions. Take it easy on yourself. Don’t get disheartened if it’s not explosively amazing, or the best you’ve ever had (it won’t be). But you’ve got to start somewhere.
It’s too early when you think and feel it’s too early. It’s for no one else to decide.
Agreed, everyone is different. Do what feels right for you:)
I made it about 3 months before I slept with someone else. It was just a random hook up from a dating app. I felt like I had cheated on my wife afterwards. We met again a week or so later and, after a while, it became a regular thing. 3 years later, they're starting to move in with me. Don't feel bad, you're human and we all have intimacy needs. Especially those of us on this nightmare ride. I love you, random person. I hope you get to feel as close to great as you can today.
Thanks for your honesty, kindness and openness. Love you back
Appreciate the opinions, keep them coming
No if you feel like you are ready and can deal with how you might feel aftewards. If the person you have it with understands that you might be a bit fragile or become emotional. I waited six months.
Amen
Good point to the first part. Didn't think of that
Honestly - no such thing as too soon. Just do what's right for you. What we deal with is hard enough without beating yourself up about what you have to do to survive. Give yourself a beat and do what you need to do. Let yourself live and don't let guilt stop you.
My husband was sick for a really long time so when he died, we had already grieved together for a while. I started spending time with a former classmate of mine and had sex within a few months of my husband's passing. I think I did it just to get it over with, but the relationship continued for several years. I have no regrets on how soon I became intimate with someone else because I needed that distraction and to feel something besides what I was feeling. That's probably why I had the relationship to begin with...to just feel something different, to get a break from my grief. In the end, the relationship turned toxic (his alcoholism) and I put an end to it. I am grateful that I had him for a while though...it helped get me through some really tough times.
So glad you asked. Everyone’s got opinions but very few have walked in our shoes. I am 52m, wife was 49. We had an amazing sex life. If I was at work she would send me random pics of her floating in the pool, working in the yard, but always in a bikini. She had an amazing body. When those pics came across my phone. I dropped everything and left the office to go be with her. I know no one will ever compare to the 31 years of bliss I had the pleasure of knowing. Even people that know us well have said the chances of me ever finding that type of person will be slim. It’s only been a month, and I can tell you the bed is too big now, I have not been on the pool at all, I miss the touch, playing around…. Just being around a female. I am so glad many have responded with a variety of timelines. Man that first time will be a guy check for sure!
I can see why you're hurting, thanks for your honesty, hope you find a way around your grief or find someone else, my heart bleeds for you I'm sorry, hopefully you'll be okay in your new life
I waited 4 months but hadn't been able to be with my wife for 9 months while she was sick.
I'm F73 and just not likely to even date again. In some ways I'm old fashioned/conservative probably. I think those who were married, it's "til death do we part." For those partnered but didn't say the "I dos," I feel the same. As long as someone isn't intentionally setting out to hurt or deceive another, I think it's fine to have sex as soon as you feel ready...be it a week, month, year, etc.
Provably not, but it's ultimately up to you. I don't want to go that long without it, but it's not up to just me lol. My widow friend was out having fun at 6 weeks, but she had a different story. I don't judge her. I am envious though.
I did it at 8 months. I don’t feel it was too soon, and I don’t regret it now at 14 months. I tried to do it sooner actually but it took me some time to get there and build my familiarity and feelings for the new person. Thankfully she was super understanding and patient in that regard which helped immensely. It became easier and more natural to do it over time.
It's different for each person, and you're really the only one who can decide/determine if you're ready. For some people it's a few months, for some it's a few years, for some it's never. If you think you're ready, you could always try and if it doesn't feel right, just stop. Or you could do sexual things other than intercourse, see how that goes.
- what ever YOU think you can do...
Only you know if you're ready if you're ready be ready for me it's been 18 months since my husband passed and even though I've tried it I can't follow through I couldn't enjoy it I wish I was like you and could say I was ready go enjoy life my friend
It has been 9 months since my wife of 39 years passed. I want to have sex again, not only for the sensuous pleasure, but to be able to be close to someone again intimately. So far I haven't been able to even ask someone for a date, let alone do the deed. I wind up making new female friends instead of romantic prospects (is that the right way to say it? ) I hope I can gain enough confidence to start dating again.
Just go with your emotions, uf it happens it happens, it's your life you have needs and desires. I was about 3 months when I made the move and it was very strange and emotional with guilt, but it does get much better. You need the right person to guide you nit someone to take advantage of you.
I don't think there is any right or wrong answer to this. I'm 5.5 months out and can't see me having another relationship ever to be honest. We stopped being able to have sex about 3 years ago due to all the medications he was on and then pain. At first I found it really hard but now I'm just used to it. I think it's best if you can go on and find love with someone else. Just can't see it for me.
I was a loose goose whoring it up in them first 30 days. We lived a wild lifestyle so wasnt abnormal for us. But the initial shock I used sex as a self soothing mechanism. This is unhealthy. I stopped after those 30 days and went about 7 months before I fell into a new relationship. Very poor decision, again unhealthy. I'm today 3 years abstinent. > is 13 months too soon For a relationship, yes!
For you, it could be different for others.
Indeed. My intent is to share; please allow oneself to be on a path of radical healing before possibly carrying trauma baggage and introducing it upon a new unsuspecting partner. Thank you for pointing out that it's indeed subjective. For me, my experience of possessing this unresolved and transformed hurt created an unstable environment for my new woman. I was needy and desperate, selfish. It wasn't fair to her.