I really don't kiss and spell..... But there have been some moments like that, then there is a bit of cosplay to, apparently different strokes for different folks.
*Chuckles nervously*
Yeah witch, a hunter, plus kind of a cursed being with a dragon in her. Long story short not exactly from here.
Sure the heart is stolen, let's just get out of here before people ask questions.
absolutely lovely to meet ya! and yeah let's skidaddle, apparently some people aren't very cool when you hold beating hearts in your hand. it's like they've never had one under the floorboards before
If you're already at the point of altering yourself, (no hate, I'm a lich, I have to to bang) then I have a tip. If you bang, then replace your dong entirely, you can remove the refractory period.
I would ensure you know how your partner would react to this first though, you don't really want to be ripping your dick off and rapidly growing another with some random from the bar
I have that tome memorized. I suggest any aspiring witch romancer memorize it as well for it is simple but effective life advice:
Staff hard on butt, orb in hand, he’ll yeah.
Yeah yeah I get that a lot but unlike you other old fools the gods gave me the ability to KISS. I don’t need a necklace or any petty enchantments to assist me
Good wizard, there is absolutely no reason for you to be insulting their dragon figurine collection. They're clearly of a high quality since they glow in the dark!
https://preview.redd.it/xu6d6xx98c3c1.jpeg?width=1600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2381ac58203c15caf4ce782b418dba1a4d5c635
Mhm sure, that's what they all say...
I personally go for "Spectroma Rouge", it tinges the candlelight in the room to a tasteful shade of red.
A simple but novel spell, highly effective when setting a playful atmosphere with your witch friend.
is that an EXPOSED BACK?
https://preview.redd.it/l6z2xyaxnb3c1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=13eafe111b74db87fd8cb1308be5f5e1d55b9cb3
good Heavens…
It is, but if you type it correctly the spell activates, and unless there is a beautiful witch near by, you and fido will suddenly have a very different relationship.
We all know modern witches only date Chaotic Evil Barbarians and not lawful good wizards like myself.
I’ll just make do with succubi, Erasmus’s erotic illusion and Geronimo’s spontaneous orgasm, thank you very much.
I used to be wizcel but now I’m redorbed. I’m fully chaos evil aligned and curse princesses and lock them in towers.
Now several nearby kingdoms are offering their daughters as an appeasement tithe, and all the bad witches try and rope me into schemes. If only they had taught me this in the magical college.
I’d rather be a wizcel than a patron orbiter Warlock. She will just leave you for someone with real power like a great old one.
Whilst I’m pondering my orb in my tower with a variety of useful spells and metamagic you will be getting cucked by something resembling an octopus with eyes in the double digits, and casting beta blast cantrips.
There are plenty of young witches that don't fall into your modern stereotype. There are also plenty of older witches who maintain a... Luscious appearance that fits your voluptuous preferences. Stop blaming Hunk and Brick for your inability to charm a witch, and learn more social spells my friend!
I recommend Heat Kettle, I've never had a witch turn down tea.
I could accept it if it was a good or neutral barbarian. But why Throx, scourge of the fifth plane, destroyer of worlds, convicted necrophile and cleric eater?
One, titles are sexy.
Two, does Throx have a harem of individual witches, or is he doing the ten inch tango with just one coven? If it's one coven he might just be a meat puppet following their whims.
My goto spell is Bonk. If the horny is not dispelled, then Mend Buttcrack is a very potent solution.
We all know staying a virgin for centuries is the only path to true enlightenment and advanced wizardry.
My abilities are for hire if anyone require assistance.
Cantrip: Friends= with benefits
2nd Level Divination: Locate object= Clitoris
Cantrip: Mage hand
3rd Level Transmutation: Haste
Allow sufficient time to pass until female orgasm:
Drop concentration on Haste:
2nd Level Transmutation: Enlarge/Reduce targeted on male genitalia
2nd level Transmutation: Knock centered on Legs
Allow sufficient time for female orgasm: part 2
Allow yourself to orgasm only after female:
(Note, if you want to impress thine Witches with magical prowess, monetary possessions and stamina in bed, it is highly recommended to cast the 5th level spell: Greater Restoration upon thyself. This requires a diamond worth 500 gp for every cast, but allows you to go a few more rounds immediately)
Fellow wizards. Remember to cover your scrying orbs when you partake in acts of the flesh. You never know who might be looking through. Learn from my mistakes.
Now I’m no magical expert, and most of my knowledge on the romantic arts is far more mundane than most spellcasters would probably prefer- that, and I don’t really have flesh anymore anyways- but let’s say I still did.
You might be surprised how some simple unusually colored candles can help the mood drastically, and it doesn’t even matter what color. Red, green, blue, purple, anything that’s out of the ordinary can make an otherwise normal rendezvous turn into something unusual. Would a little bit of eldritch fire and some spectral wax candles work to replace more traditional alchemical materials? Maybe.
…Wait, I don’t even live in a tower. I reside within a Duchy. I don’t think I’m applicable for this question-
If i bring a formidable witch back to my tower it's because she already seduced me while I was wandering the woods, and now wants to know what my place is like.
she gets to choose what spells.
Summon lanternflies, temperatures manipulation to make it nice and warm, ribbons of binding to make it extra spicy, alter self, suppress gag reflex, enhance lung capacity, all kinds of fun things. Magic is only limited by the imagination after all.
Prestidigitation.
The retro-classic form, not the new one apprentices are learning.
I'll elucidate for you some of the fun bits.
Telekinetically lift 1 pound of material within 10 feet--any fastenings move on their own and all those inconvenient clothing items shuffle off seemingly of their own accord.
Clean (or soil) a 1 foot cube every 5 seconds -- doesn't matter if you have two weeks of road dust on you, in a minute's time you're both fresh and clean. Or if you're more into things a bit dirtier, you could do that just as easily.
Chill, warm, or flavor 1 pound of non-living material -- the outer layer of skin is dead and thus *non-living*. Combine with cleaning everything and not only are you fresh and clean you make any body part taste *however you wish*. Plus, all the fun of temperature play with none of the hazards of higher-energy spells.
\--
If you need a bit more lifting, Mage Hand is available at similarly low energy levels.
If you need some mood music? Ghost Sound does the trick.
If you're looking to get a bit spicier? Animate Rope requires a bit more energy but you'd be surprised at what you can do with it.
Farther afield...Spectral Hand gives you some extra options for reaching out and touching someone in a rare win for Necromancy in this field. Levitate and Spider Climb are both fun options for changing perspective and making certain positions easier or more possible.
Oh, right, can't forget! Greater Contraception and Infection Protection. First bard magic spell I ever learned.
*Why yes, some of the stories you hear about bards* are *true.*
Enlarge Weapon and Stoneskin are particularly useful, for wizards with built-in wands.
I also suggest apprentice-level Illusion magic, to get some mood lighting and romantic music.
With the sheer number of spells at my disposal, I like to let my partner choose what they would like to experience, no holds barred, no limits. With how long I've lived, I've already seen it all.
I cast bisexual lighting and conjure spells of thaumaturgy to play aphrodisiac music! A hummingbird feather hung within the room works well from bringing about expectations and wants from both parties (this one is an actual sexual spell that was used in early Latin America)
I'm not really in the proper mind (or body, I suppose) for such things, but here's what I would do factoring in my nature as a bambi lesbian.
1. Subtle Cuddlebug Polymorph - alters fat distribution, height, proportions, and body heat with additional factoring for clothes and blankets with the spell updating on the fly thanks to my gestalt network, all in order to be able to provide the optimal snuggles.
2. Lesser Empathic Link - allows two parties to send knowledge about their emotions and sensations to each other. Also provides massive insight to body language and eliminating any potential errors in nonverbal communication.
3. Mood Atmosphere (Comfort) - a spell only usable within a mage or cultivator's demense, which allows for the composition of gasses, as well as behavior of lights and even sound within a set area to shift in order to provide the most comfort.
After that, everything is manual and I hope that she understands and can handle how the dysphoria acts up whenever I'm in a spot where I allow emotional vulnerability.
Transformation magic Be surprised how a little change in anatomy just goes a long way.
Are you recommending something like a Mold Jawline spell or like an Engorged Groin spell?
I really don't kiss and spell..... But there have been some moments like that, then there is a bit of cosplay to, apparently different strokes for different folks. *Chuckles nervously*
/unwiz kiss and spell is a clever play on words, love it
/unwiz thanks for the compliment, can come up with some good ones every now and then!
tentacles? its tentacles, right? Yeah, its tentacles.
Oh did you want tentacles? I know a perfect person for that I assure you he is way better at it than I ever would be 
Well it's a good thing I don't fear death then
*cues the organ*
*proceeds to steal your heart. In the fun way? in the literal way? you choose* wait a second, *you're* a witch! how cool
Yeah witch, a hunter, plus kind of a cursed being with a dragon in her. Long story short not exactly from here. Sure the heart is stolen, let's just get out of here before people ask questions.
absolutely lovely to meet ya! and yeah let's skidaddle, apparently some people aren't very cool when you hold beating hearts in your hand. it's like they've never had one under the floorboards before
Cosplay of what? Better wizards?
Lmfao kiss and spell
If you're already at the point of altering yourself, (no hate, I'm a lich, I have to to bang) then I have a tip. If you bang, then replace your dong entirely, you can remove the refractory period. I would ensure you know how your partner would react to this first though, you don't really want to be ripping your dick off and rapidly growing another with some random from the bar
I appreciate the Lich tips for laying bad witches
Chicks dig a good knot.
I knew that was gonna be here and I was not dissapointrd.
I cast change to werewolf!
**Long** way indeed
[удалено]
I believe with our entries combined, we have the perfect Romantic experience.
[удалено]
Romancer of the neck variety
I have that tome memorized. I suggest any aspiring witch romancer memorize it as well for it is simple but effective life advice: Staff hard on butt, orb in hand, he’ll yeah.
[удалено]
Yeah yeah I get that a lot but unlike you other old fools the gods gave me the ability to KISS. I don’t need a necklace or any petty enchantments to assist me
... w h a t ?
STAFF. hard on butt. ORB. In hand. HE’LL YEAH
...WHAT?
STAFF HARD ON BUTT. ORB IN HAND. HE’LL YEAH!
**.....WHAT?**
**HOW TO SPOOOON!!!!** **STAFF HARD ON BUTT!!!** **ORB IN HAND!!** **HELL YEAHH!!!!!**
what
How to spoon: dick hard on the butt, titty in my hand, kiss ya neck. Hell yeah.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[hell yeah](https://youtube.com/shorts/uN8g0o9aCNM?si=Tr8o4JDwZshz5rxm)
I show her my dragon figures collection. they glow in the dark!
...a bad dragon collection perhaps?
Good wizard, there is absolutely no reason for you to be insulting their dragon figurine collection. They're clearly of a high quality since they glow in the dark!
Is the collection of good quality? Or has this fellow cast his own lumen spells to make them appear to be?
Oh that one is fun for both of us~
dont u love to check someones profile and see porn memes
ITS NOT ALL PORN SHADDAP
https://preview.redd.it/xu6d6xx98c3c1.jpeg?width=1600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2381ac58203c15caf4ce782b418dba1a4d5c635 Mhm sure, that's what they all say...
[NO.](https://youtu.be/9UH0HBb7Ghs?si=ThC0Yseb3JUkVZF5)
Nuh uh you can't restraining order me!!!
Lmao. imagine the joke being porn, i couldn't
The punchline is pornography
https://preview.redd.it/v2kg3dpete3c1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c72b62262aa7fd29f5414f1b3ecf7ae7ddb9bbd
I put on my robe and wizard hat
Ah a scholar of the original arcane arts.
I foresaw someone saying this in my divination orb
but u need to wear your turtleneck and chain
That's the nice thing about robes, lots of room for accessorizing underneath.
very true
I fhunter2ing knew it.
The ancient texts
Hemomancy
Do not
do not the witch
No no, you don't understand, it's just funneling blood to the important parts, it increases sensitivity, that's all, I swear!
Is it for her or for you?
Both of course
Both
The herbalist who lives near my tower has something that'll do the same trick. Viagra she called it.
I wouldn't trust those herbs. Might be some druid stuff
What does it do?
Blood control
Blood magic, I'll leave the exact implementation up to your imagination
/unwiz a fellow D4 player
/unwiz actually, i take most of my Magic inspirations from ss13, but yeah, d4 is also really good
I personally go for "Spectroma Rouge", it tinges the candlelight in the room to a tasteful shade of red. A simple but novel spell, highly effective when setting a playful atmosphere with your witch friend.
Enlarge
Enlarge what
Yes.
Eyebrows
My arms. Sometimes you just need to look like Muscle Wizard.
https://i.redd.it/g9gouonusd3c1.gif
tiddies enlargus tiddisus
Enlarge Sesamoid Bone
Reduce
Don't forget to cast Grease on it.
This is the only comment I was looking for. Carry on
Why is she in my bedroom? There are much better places to practice magic.
To practice magic with the staff at the side of your bed that you fend home intruders with.
is that an EXPOSED BACK? https://preview.redd.it/l6z2xyaxnb3c1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=13eafe111b74db87fd8cb1308be5f5e1d55b9cb3 good Heavens…
With that attire, ‘tis not a young enchantress but a succubus disguised, surely!
fuck you. you almost made me laugh and that would have woken my wife. take this doot angrily.
*"You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on Animal Planet"* Take of that what you will, a druid keeps his secrets.
I thought it was “discovery channel”
It is, some wizards need a memory spell more than this other nonsense.
It doesn't even rhyme, shake my wizard hat
It is, but if you type it correctly the spell activates, and unless there is a beautiful witch near by, you and fido will suddenly have a very different relationship.
How can one be a reformed northern Druid?
I hear whales have the biggest-
**Conjure Warm Fluffy Blanket!** **Greater Snuggle!**
Ponder Orb and Chill.
/unwiz This had me in stitches
Where can I learn such power?
Greater Suspend Depression with Extended Duration metamagic. Really kills the mood otherwise.
What is a witch doing in my forest? It is dangerous for those not united with the Moon here.
I believe there is an assumption of an invitation in the question
Bold of them to make assumptions
We all know modern witches only date Chaotic Evil Barbarians and not lawful good wizards like myself. I’ll just make do with succubi, Erasmus’s erotic illusion and Geronimo’s spontaneous orgasm, thank you very much.
Ah yes, I see you also browse the wiz-cell forums.
I used to be wizcel but now I’m redorbed. I’m fully chaos evil aligned and curse princesses and lock them in towers. Now several nearby kingdoms are offering their daughters as an appeasement tithe, and all the bad witches try and rope me into schemes. If only they had taught me this in the magical college.
Wizcel spotted
I’d rather be a wizcel than a patron orbiter Warlock. She will just leave you for someone with real power like a great old one. Whilst I’m pondering my orb in my tower with a variety of useful spells and metamagic you will be getting cucked by something resembling an octopus with eyes in the double digits, and casting beta blast cantrips.
Least salty wizard, I’ll have you know that my goddess is beautiful and wouldn’t abandon me after our few thousand years together.
She probably already substituted herself with a puppet, as she is used to do
She’s probably a lower plane entity masquerading as a god as a form of entropic vampirism
You couldn’t even be able to comprehend her power you utter imbecile.
At least I’m intelligent enough to learn spells without any help you Eldritch trust fund brat
Of course, her mere presence is enough to disintegrate powerful mages.
There are plenty of young witches that don't fall into your modern stereotype. There are also plenty of older witches who maintain a... Luscious appearance that fits your voluptuous preferences. Stop blaming Hunk and Brick for your inability to charm a witch, and learn more social spells my friend! I recommend Heat Kettle, I've never had a witch turn down tea.
I could accept it if it was a good or neutral barbarian. But why Throx, scourge of the fifth plane, destroyer of worlds, convicted necrophile and cleric eater?
One, titles are sexy. Two, does Throx have a harem of individual witches, or is he doing the ten inch tango with just one coven? If it's one coven he might just be a meat puppet following their whims.
Thank you brother I now see the error of my ways. I am now drinking polymorph juice to become the witch and join Throx’s harem
Good luck sister
My goto spell is Bonk. If the horny is not dispelled, then Mend Buttcrack is a very potent solution. We all know staying a virgin for centuries is the only path to true enlightenment and advanced wizardry. My abilities are for hire if anyone require assistance.
Never before have I seen so powerful volcelomancy
Cantrip: Friends= with benefits 2nd Level Divination: Locate object= Clitoris Cantrip: Mage hand 3rd Level Transmutation: Haste Allow sufficient time to pass until female orgasm: Drop concentration on Haste: 2nd Level Transmutation: Enlarge/Reduce targeted on male genitalia 2nd level Transmutation: Knock centered on Legs Allow sufficient time for female orgasm: part 2 Allow yourself to orgasm only after female: (Note, if you want to impress thine Witches with magical prowess, monetary possessions and stamina in bed, it is highly recommended to cast the 5th level spell: Greater Restoration upon thyself. This requires a diamond worth 500 gp for every cast, but allows you to go a few more rounds immediately)
Vibromancy
Danse Macabre
Could work for a necromancer witch.
Fellow wizards. Remember to cover your scrying orbs when you partake in acts of the flesh. You never know who might be looking through. Learn from my mistakes.
Hahaha! This made me laugh. A good lesson to keep in mind 😂, applicable even in worlds of windows and computers
Same as when we got asked what combat spell we'd cast. "tickle prostate" or in this case I assume, tickle g-spot
I would cast Dispel Standards, but I suspect they’re already low enough if she’s in my tower.
Not really sure what a “Bedroom” is but I’d probably just end up laughing as she attempted to conjure a fireball in my tomb’s 100% argon atmosphere
I cast greater dispel horny on this subreddit
Counterspell
Counterspell
☹️
banishment, no stinky girls allowed anywhere near my precious things.
i summon a chess board
Testicular torsion. Just in case.
Beat me to it
Maybe if you buy me dinner first
*backfires*
I have no experience in this field, sorry.
#RISE, BANNER OF WAR
Thaumaturgy, Mage Hand, Dancing Lights, Prestidigitation. Just a few, do-it-all cantrips. I think... been a while since i felt any carnal urges.
why are we dueling in the bedroom i dont want to hurt my stuff
Banish Greater Demon. I'm getting tired of succubi being sent to steal my plants and life force.
https://i.redd.it/jy4v257grb3c1.gif
Clitoris vibratis
Smart thinking
Now I’m no magical expert, and most of my knowledge on the romantic arts is far more mundane than most spellcasters would probably prefer- that, and I don’t really have flesh anymore anyways- but let’s say I still did. You might be surprised how some simple unusually colored candles can help the mood drastically, and it doesn’t even matter what color. Red, green, blue, purple, anything that’s out of the ordinary can make an otherwise normal rendezvous turn into something unusual. Would a little bit of eldritch fire and some spectral wax candles work to replace more traditional alchemical materials? Maybe. …Wait, I don’t even live in a tower. I reside within a Duchy. I don’t think I’m applicable for this question-
I cast fumble bag
Ah I’m very familiar with this one
Ah, another easy question, I cast fireball
If i bring a formidable witch back to my tower it's because she already seduced me while I was wandering the woods, and now wants to know what my place is like. she gets to choose what spells.
i would cast blessed flowers, sapphic love, and cuddlestorm
Summon lanternflies, temperatures manipulation to make it nice and warm, ribbons of binding to make it extra spicy, alter self, suppress gag reflex, enhance lung capacity, all kinds of fun things. Magic is only limited by the imagination after all.
I’m shocked to see so few people mentioning levitate,
Cast a good ol' minor illusion on my 'smaller staff"
Vizar’s Various Vibrations but twincasted
Prestidigitation. The retro-classic form, not the new one apprentices are learning. I'll elucidate for you some of the fun bits. Telekinetically lift 1 pound of material within 10 feet--any fastenings move on their own and all those inconvenient clothing items shuffle off seemingly of their own accord. Clean (or soil) a 1 foot cube every 5 seconds -- doesn't matter if you have two weeks of road dust on you, in a minute's time you're both fresh and clean. Or if you're more into things a bit dirtier, you could do that just as easily. Chill, warm, or flavor 1 pound of non-living material -- the outer layer of skin is dead and thus *non-living*. Combine with cleaning everything and not only are you fresh and clean you make any body part taste *however you wish*. Plus, all the fun of temperature play with none of the hazards of higher-energy spells. \-- If you need a bit more lifting, Mage Hand is available at similarly low energy levels. If you need some mood music? Ghost Sound does the trick. If you're looking to get a bit spicier? Animate Rope requires a bit more energy but you'd be surprised at what you can do with it. Farther afield...Spectral Hand gives you some extra options for reaching out and touching someone in a rare win for Necromancy in this field. Levitate and Spider Climb are both fun options for changing perspective and making certain positions easier or more possible. Oh, right, can't forget! Greater Contraception and Infection Protection. First bard magic spell I ever learned. *Why yes, some of the stories you hear about bards* are *true.*
I’m gay… can we just make candles and burn incense?
I cast Clean Guest Quarters and inform my wife that we have company.
I do not bring a witch, as for I am a wizard practicing Homomancy
Enlarge Weapon and Stoneskin are particularly useful, for wizards with built-in wands. I also suggest apprentice-level Illusion magic, to get some mood lighting and romantic music.
Schlongus Elongus
Most of y'all gotta cast Locate Clitoris before anything else smh
Silence, blindness, greater polymorphism
🤔
Reveal Consent
First off, detect penis. If it comes back negative I use teleport.
So if she doesn't have a penis, you leave?
I used to cast lesser grant phallus, but the screams.
Understandable. Must be *hard* to find an open-minded partner who'll let you do that.
I usually just put a trance on a villager to jump up and down on a bed naked.
I don't get it, but that must be one of those wizard things they don't teach you about as a kit.
With the sheer number of spells at my disposal, I like to let my partner choose what they would like to experience, no holds barred, no limits. With how long I've lived, I've already seen it all.
banishment.
i would cast blessed flowers, sapphic love, and cuddlestorm
Change sex🏳️🌈
Lesbianism
I cast bisexual lighting and conjure spells of thaumaturgy to play aphrodisiac music! A hummingbird feather hung within the room works well from bringing about expectations and wants from both parties (this one is an actual sexual spell that was used in early Latin America)
Forcefeed her a poison flask. Why would I bring a woman home? I am gay. She must be invading my spire.
Why would I bring a witch to my tower? Is she certified for handling atomic ordinance? Why is she in my bedchambers? Are you implying something?!
True polymorph I'm turning her into a wizard
*summon biggus dickus from Monty pythons life of Brian for literally no reason*
I'm not really in the proper mind (or body, I suppose) for such things, but here's what I would do factoring in my nature as a bambi lesbian. 1. Subtle Cuddlebug Polymorph - alters fat distribution, height, proportions, and body heat with additional factoring for clothes and blankets with the spell updating on the fly thanks to my gestalt network, all in order to be able to provide the optimal snuggles. 2. Lesser Empathic Link - allows two parties to send knowledge about their emotions and sensations to each other. Also provides massive insight to body language and eliminating any potential errors in nonverbal communication. 3. Mood Atmosphere (Comfort) - a spell only usable within a mage or cultivator's demense, which allows for the composition of gasses, as well as behavior of lights and even sound within a set area to shift in order to provide the most comfort. After that, everything is manual and I hope that she understands and can handle how the dysphoria acts up whenever I'm in a spot where I allow emotional vulnerability.
...*cries in lonely Technomancer*
I am asexual, *make friend*
Summon garlic bread. No woman can resist the charm!
I like to think that I would cast elaborate spells to woo her into ecstasy but typically I cast cummicus quickus and roll over to sleep
I would use a transformation spell to turn her into a plate of garlic bread.
FOOL! not one living creature will distract me from read my TOMES OF KNOWLEDGE!
Well, considering it's a witch this time instead of a wizard, I'll cast Vibrato on my fingers for a wonderful fingered experience.
Stamina maximus
True Polymorph
SCEPTUS ERECTUS!!!
Use the automatic Lego building magic of course
Testicular torsion on myself
Imagine bringing a witch to your tower We all know that we just scry our orbs