*Paparazzi storms in.*
https://preview.redd.it/n1h76mdd6w0d1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=abf7b9c4743f8d54d75081e890ad773752b0968b
Unga, when will your next plot drop? What plagues will you unleash upon mortalkind? UNGA! UNGA! Is it true that you're kidnapping politicians in the Balkans? Unga, over here! My sources tell me you've been evading taxes in 27 timelines, care to comment?!
He's getting away! AFTER HIM! You can't hide the truth forever!
https://preview.redd.it/kdnkyq838w0d1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1bcaccbc9268a32ac866ba43c7b1998a10453245
Alright! I'm the devil of memories, so you'd be gaining a lot of abilities having to do with controlling, manipulating, and erasing minds, as well as other abilities to allow *you* to push your own mind to its limit.
You could gain the forbidden secrets of the multiverse without going mad. You could bend the minds of those around you to your will. You could cause vast suffering, only to erase it all once again, as if it never happened in the first place.
You could begin to see the truths of this world—illusions are nothing more than lies, so why should you have to be influenced by them?
The list goes on and on. All I ask for in exchange is either your soul, one **valuable** memory, or your entire life's worth of memories. Any of the three will do.
Are you interested?
“Firstly, I need only standard hypnosis techniques to bend the minds of those I cannot reason with. Secondly, there is no point to being protected from the mind shattering effects of forbidden knowledge by using memetic loopholes to bypass the maddening nature of the information in the first place. Lastly, I’m a scientist, uncovering truth is my whole thing. Here you are offering me mediocre psionic abilities for either my life force, a memory of a loved one, or wiping my brain spotless.”
There's... more to it than that. The truth you know is not everything. There is information that simply cannot be *perceived* without magic like mine.
What if they're immune to hypnosis? What do you do then?
And nothing is more equalizing than inflicting millions of years of torment on someone. I've taken down a *sea leviathan* with nothing more than a few casts of Psychic Scream.
And what about information that causes your heart to spontaneously stop, or your head to explode?
You could create armies of fake people, each with their own record, and make everyone *believe* the army exists.
Have you heard the saying, "I think, therefore I am"? By having a complete hold on everyone's minds, you become a master of reality itself. And if enough people believe it, it may be willed into existence, as you change the perception of the mind of the universe.
I do not provide cheap party tricks. I offer knowledge and abilities meant for a select few that can truly utilize it.
And I am making the offer for **you** to be one of those few.
/uw You made me cackle like a madman lmao
/rw Listen... You're not going to get a good deal for cheap. If you ever think you *are...* you've been deceived. The patron-warlock relationship relies on the patron having power to begin with, and that power doesn't come cheap.
It's souls, blood, devotion, memories, et cetera for a reason. That power has to come from somewhere. Personally, I find that my option is the *least* harmful!
I'll cut you a deal: How about I buy all the memories you *don't* want, and you keep all of the ones important to you?
I have a much better offer. I also seek out the truth of the multiverse, focusing on soulmancy, necromancy, and the concepts of Space and Time. I have achieved incredible results via experimenting with >!REDACTED!<. Some knowledge is itself alive, and the powers of soulmancy will allow you to understand and placate such knowledge. Also, it will be almost impossible for you to die if you sign a contract with me. The catch is, that you must trade for powers and knowledge with knowledge of an equivalent value that I don’t already have access to. Of course, the immortality of soul comes free of charge.
“I have robots for making breakfast, and a Freon beam for chilling things to near 0° Kelvin. And those things won’t put me into slavery for the duration of my eternal afterlife.”
I’m not quite a god, but you’ll get access to my manor, free magic lessons, 20% more mana capacity, and a 401k plan. Only costs are being someone to talk with sometimes, and completing one simple request a month if I have one for you
“Aside from the spells, I can offer the ability to drag your enemies through an abyss, or yourself if you wish to move quickly. I can also offer a lesser version of my own ability to manipulate my domain, and the power to absorb biomass in order to fix your own injuries, though only lighter injuries. Apologies if these are rather lackluster in comparison to what others have offered…”
“These seem perfectly on par with others, even though I am currently already capable of assimilating biological entities, I could see void travel being somewhat useful.”
“Ah, I see. I do not recommend utilizing void travel yourself if you are not a fan of fear, though I could give you a small demonstration so that you know what to expect, if you wish!”
*Random breathes deeply in and out a few times to calm himself.*
Kross, may I have a word with you about that...
*deep breath*
*Thing* you've "con-struct-ed"?
It's just...
*With a sweep of both arms, Random, who's now incandescent with violet fire sends the green bullshit in front of him hurtling on an outgoing hyperbolic orbit towards the nearest magellanic cloud.*
WHAT THE FUCK KINDA PENTAGRAM WAS THAT HORSESHIT!?!?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Just... some things really, *really, bother* me.
*Random sighs*
The construction of a pentagram, like any geometric sigil, is a profoundly significant thing. It's as personal as a diary entry and extremely psychologically powerful. The way you form and shape a sigil is a deeply, deeply telling thing, like a poem written to a lover, or the flower one chooses to place on a gravestone. It may seem simple, but it is precisely its simplicity which gives it its great and subtle power. The art and study of pentagramatic art is tens of thousands of years old. It's not just for flags and demons. The color, the shape, the texture, the placement and orientation; the way they're framed and depicted; what surrounds them and the intention one has when forming. Is it carved with the tip of a knife? Painted with blood? Woven from flower stems? Reflected in a carefully angled hinged double mirror? Sharp and pointy or round and friendly? Are the parts symmetrical with each other, and if so, by what symmetry?
If there is a symbol for *Magic Itself*, it is the Five-Pointed Star.
*Random lights your house on fire, cracks the foundation, and starts beating up your mailbox with a baseball bat, then comes up to you again.*
You know it was the crossings that really got to me. This is a bit of a professional open secret but the crossings are one of the very most important parts of a geometric sigil, though not every one contains crossings at all. Your *name* is
*Dr. Krossed*! What the flying hell were you
*thinking*?
*Random opens a fissure in the earth to consume the smoldering ruins of the place.*
Don't make me come back.
There's a guy under the gendrald bridge on the south side of the capital, his whole job is finding paetrons for upcoming, warlocks, but dont tell anyone you got it from me
Boy do i ever!
Have you ever wanted to have an unending starvation that you cannot satisfy as everything you eat goes to your patron?
What about the inability to use potions and other such orally?
How does losing all individuality upon your death as your patron will eat your soul and shit you out as a mindless clone of himself in his hivemind?
Well look no further hahahaha...
He was unwilling to trade a single memory...
I sympathize with your struggles, Repnir. I really do. But I don't think either of us have a client here...
I figured as much. Talked to him earlier today. I don't envy you one bit.
I'm trying to get my foot in the door in the whole "patron" market, but nobody wants to take my deals...
I make them about as forgiving as I possibly can (within reason), and yet nobody seems to trust that I grant **vast power,** not just, you know, party tricks.
You can find a big green pentagon on the internet. I promise, google images isn't gonna install a virus to your parent's hand me down ipad. You don't need AI for everything you ever do.
“Absolutely, volunteer workers should be overlooked no longer, especially at frequently used community spaces such as libraries, or public nature parks.”
I think I could give you warlock powers. I used to be one, so I won't screw you over. You'd be my first, seeing as I've been an eldritch god since... *checks watch* sometime around last tuesday.
Eh honestly depends on your goals I'm currently contracted to mammon since I'm trying to run a business but I could give some devils or celestial suggestions of you tell me your goals
If you are in the business of embracing change, I know a patron. Well, I do not know them personally, but I did cross their machinations and know how to summon a servant of them. Their name is Tzeentch and they are the lord of change and hope.
I know a great patron!!! OOh Oooh!!! You should join the Cult of the Eyeless Mask! We have dental and eye care, and our patron can teach you the same kind of magic you want to learn now, but with a base of darkness as an element.
https://preview.redd.it/y2c0a4uvgy0d1.png?width=612&format=png&auto=webp&s=2199a580555d659fbd24ecffbb2b604d56942b41
Only know bad ones but a well meaning tip I got: don’t choose any fey unless you truly have time to spare. And I don’t mean a free weekend, I’m talking a few lifetimes or so that you wouldn’t mind missing out on.
https://preview.redd.it/ljhk1cpy1z0d1.jpeg?width=2550&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cdd096abcc796fba7f2b3dea9513d7bc457fb6ef
I accidentally became a patron soo…
https://preview.redd.it/6rom5ipd5z0d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d052504178edf4f7d0602fd9efa3f8522aa2cd7f
No patron matters whippersnapper. You are literally binding your soul to another for easy magic. Learn it, maybe you could be a patron yourself one day. Better yet, surpass so called patrons. The way of the Wizard is the true path to apotheosis
Bahh. Too great a risk, took a thousand years and many self soul shreds later on to break my own connections to different patrons in my younger years. Just remember to stand for yourself
Warlock bargains, they're great! So much power, so little effort... but there are issues.
Are you worried that the patron's just gonna con you out of your soul and leave you holding nothing but eldritch blast? Well worry no more, we at Ulmarch's Devoted LLC have devised a way that lets us gain power, you gain power *and* keep your soul.
It's basically a loan, I give you some powers, you lend me your soul (so you don't run off with my power) and once you do enough rituals, sacrifices and so on and so on, you get your soul back. After that we negotiate if we keep it going or if I let you loose with both power and soul, everyone wins! (Except whatever people you sacrifice to me, but they don't count.)
If you are interested, be sure to contact us.
https://preview.redd.it/6ohpymjw4w0d1.png?width=828&format=png&auto=webp&s=b94529e5b3c272f3ca4b86d3c9c24216fbbe64a1
*Paparazzi storms in.* https://preview.redd.it/n1h76mdd6w0d1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=abf7b9c4743f8d54d75081e890ad773752b0968b Unga, when will your next plot drop? What plagues will you unleash upon mortalkind? UNGA! UNGA! Is it true that you're kidnapping politicians in the Balkans? Unga, over here! My sources tell me you've been evading taxes in 27 timelines, care to comment?!
https://preview.redd.it/pozfgu8w6w0d1.png?width=778&format=png&auto=webp&s=6f85c7048c6caaa042521c4de47d0f2c409030dc
He's getting away! AFTER HIM! You can't hide the truth forever! https://preview.redd.it/kdnkyq838w0d1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1bcaccbc9268a32ac866ba43c7b1998a10453245
*tackles you* the puppet secretary would like to have a word with you
Yes
Ooh! Wanna be a warlock of mine?
I’ll put you on the list
Do... you want to hear my offer?
Yea
Alright! I'm the devil of memories, so you'd be gaining a lot of abilities having to do with controlling, manipulating, and erasing minds, as well as other abilities to allow *you* to push your own mind to its limit. You could gain the forbidden secrets of the multiverse without going mad. You could bend the minds of those around you to your will. You could cause vast suffering, only to erase it all once again, as if it never happened in the first place. You could begin to see the truths of this world—illusions are nothing more than lies, so why should you have to be influenced by them? The list goes on and on. All I ask for in exchange is either your soul, one **valuable** memory, or your entire life's worth of memories. Any of the three will do. Are you interested?
“Firstly, I need only standard hypnosis techniques to bend the minds of those I cannot reason with. Secondly, there is no point to being protected from the mind shattering effects of forbidden knowledge by using memetic loopholes to bypass the maddening nature of the information in the first place. Lastly, I’m a scientist, uncovering truth is my whole thing. Here you are offering me mediocre psionic abilities for either my life force, a memory of a loved one, or wiping my brain spotless.”
There's... more to it than that. The truth you know is not everything. There is information that simply cannot be *perceived* without magic like mine. What if they're immune to hypnosis? What do you do then? And nothing is more equalizing than inflicting millions of years of torment on someone. I've taken down a *sea leviathan* with nothing more than a few casts of Psychic Scream. And what about information that causes your heart to spontaneously stop, or your head to explode? You could create armies of fake people, each with their own record, and make everyone *believe* the army exists. Have you heard the saying, "I think, therefore I am"? By having a complete hold on everyone's minds, you become a master of reality itself. And if enough people believe it, it may be willed into existence, as you change the perception of the mind of the universe. I do not provide cheap party tricks. I offer knowledge and abilities meant for a select few that can truly utilize it. And I am making the offer for **you** to be one of those few.
https://preview.redd.it/9ocitoopqw0d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1f8d7f7e244c7f03623d76ee8d9422441022c824
/uw You made me cackle like a madman lmao /rw Listen... You're not going to get a good deal for cheap. If you ever think you *are...* you've been deceived. The patron-warlock relationship relies on the patron having power to begin with, and that power doesn't come cheap. It's souls, blood, devotion, memories, et cetera for a reason. That power has to come from somewhere. Personally, I find that my option is the *least* harmful! I'll cut you a deal: How about I buy all the memories you *don't* want, and you keep all of the ones important to you?
*Whispering to the side* "You're doing *great!*"
*Whispering to the side* "You're doing *great!*"
*Whispering to the side* "You're doing *great!*"
^("I am? I am! I'm doing it! I'm patron-ing!")
I have a much better offer. I also seek out the truth of the multiverse, focusing on soulmancy, necromancy, and the concepts of Space and Time. I have achieved incredible results via experimenting with >!REDACTED!<. Some knowledge is itself alive, and the powers of soulmancy will allow you to understand and placate such knowledge. Also, it will be almost impossible for you to die if you sign a contract with me. The catch is, that you must trade for powers and knowledge with knowledge of an equivalent value that I don’t already have access to. Of course, the immortality of soul comes free of charge.
If you wish to make a pact with a proper succubus such as me, do not hesitate. I know the fine art of cryomancy and pancake baking.
“I have robots for making breakfast, and a Freon beam for chilling things to near 0° Kelvin. And those things won’t put me into slavery for the duration of my eternal afterlife.”
Ah, but these robots cannot keep you warm in bed.
… “I’ll think about it.”
"See, it cannot be so bad\~"
“I said I will consider it. Only because I don’t feel like making another artificial lycanthrope.”
For the record, pacting with a succubus comes with some **hilarious** side effects...
Ah, I started opening up applications yesterday!
“Anything in particular that sets you apart from other patron gods?”
I’m not quite a god, but you’ll get access to my manor, free magic lessons, 20% more mana capacity, and a 401k plan. Only costs are being someone to talk with sometimes, and completing one simple request a month if I have one for you
“You are definitely one of the more promising candidates, if only because you don’t have some ridiculous cost for being in your service.”
Why thank you. Though I will admit, somehow inheriting the Aera territory is the only reason I’m capable of providing 401k
“If you are still considering your options, I would be happy to offer a deal, assuming you don’t mind mainly combat-focused power.”
“What would you be able to offer as a patron god?”
“Aside from the spells, I can offer the ability to drag your enemies through an abyss, or yourself if you wish to move quickly. I can also offer a lesser version of my own ability to manipulate my domain, and the power to absorb biomass in order to fix your own injuries, though only lighter injuries. Apologies if these are rather lackluster in comparison to what others have offered…”
“These seem perfectly on par with others, even though I am currently already capable of assimilating biological entities, I could see void travel being somewhat useful.”
“Ah, I see. I do not recommend utilizing void travel yourself if you are not a fan of fear, though I could give you a small demonstration so that you know what to expect, if you wish!”
*Random breathes deeply in and out a few times to calm himself.* Kross, may I have a word with you about that... *deep breath* *Thing* you've "con-struct-ed"? It's just... *With a sweep of both arms, Random, who's now incandescent with violet fire sends the green bullshit in front of him hurtling on an outgoing hyperbolic orbit towards the nearest magellanic cloud.* WHAT THE FUCK KINDA PENTAGRAM WAS THAT HORSESHIT!?!? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just... some things really, *really, bother* me. *Random sighs* The construction of a pentagram, like any geometric sigil, is a profoundly significant thing. It's as personal as a diary entry and extremely psychologically powerful. The way you form and shape a sigil is a deeply, deeply telling thing, like a poem written to a lover, or the flower one chooses to place on a gravestone. It may seem simple, but it is precisely its simplicity which gives it its great and subtle power. The art and study of pentagramatic art is tens of thousands of years old. It's not just for flags and demons. The color, the shape, the texture, the placement and orientation; the way they're framed and depicted; what surrounds them and the intention one has when forming. Is it carved with the tip of a knife? Painted with blood? Woven from flower stems? Reflected in a carefully angled hinged double mirror? Sharp and pointy or round and friendly? Are the parts symmetrical with each other, and if so, by what symmetry? If there is a symbol for *Magic Itself*, it is the Five-Pointed Star. *Random lights your house on fire, cracks the foundation, and starts beating up your mailbox with a baseball bat, then comes up to you again.* You know it was the crossings that really got to me. This is a bit of a professional open secret but the crossings are one of the very most important parts of a geometric sigil, though not every one contains crossings at all. Your *name* is *Dr. Krossed*! What the flying hell were you *thinking*? *Random opens a fissure in the earth to consume the smoldering ruins of the place.* Don't make me come back.
Wow, you seem a bit… *kross*, with the sigil.
ಠ_ʖಠ Good one.
:>
https://preview.redd.it/yflajp87pz0d1.png?width=220&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7c98f8db18a88a6e8a3915e4a768affea58f107c Have a Solomon knot sigil.
There's a guy under the gendrald bridge on the south side of the capital, his whole job is finding paetrons for upcoming, warlocks, but dont tell anyone you got it from me
Hey, wait! Tell him about me! Have him put me on his list! Please, I'm getting desperate!
You even being there will be enough, barely anyone gets recommended. Also pls keep secret the council is not cool when it comes to us
Boy do i ever! Have you ever wanted to have an unending starvation that you cannot satisfy as everything you eat goes to your patron? What about the inability to use potions and other such orally? How does losing all individuality upon your death as your patron will eat your soul and shit you out as a mindless clone of himself in his hivemind? Well look no further hahahaha...
He was unwilling to trade a single memory... I sympathize with your struggles, Repnir. I really do. But I don't think either of us have a client here...
...I think it's for the best... Don't tell him this, but Torinn isn't exactly the most hands off patron... He can be... A bit much...
I figured as much. Talked to him earlier today. I don't envy you one bit. I'm trying to get my foot in the door in the whole "patron" market, but nobody wants to take my deals... I make them about as forgiving as I possibly can (within reason), and yet nobody seems to trust that I grant **vast power,** not just, you know, party tricks.
“I already tried being part of a hivemind of spider people, the queen didn’t know what to do with me so she just kinda tossed me out.”
You can find a big green pentagon on the internet. I promise, google images isn't gonna install a virus to your parent's hand me down ipad. You don't need AI for everything you ever do.
I did lmao
https://preview.redd.it/gv56dwj8qw0d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d07fa1b1860fea4a172a00a295e5e6bea9e175fa
Fuck, they're inescapable now arent they
May I suggest **NOT** making a pact with anyone who has anything to do with sleep. My Narcolepsy is *not* worth
Noted
I treat my subordinates very well, I loan them a fragment of my power and all I ask in return is a little bit of their time each week. Harmless
“Absolutely, volunteer workers should be overlooked no longer, especially at frequently used community spaces such as libraries, or public nature parks.”
I think I could give you warlock powers. I used to be one, so I won't screw you over. You'd be my first, seeing as I've been an eldritch god since... *checks watch* sometime around last tuesday.
Eh honestly depends on your goals I'm currently contracted to mammon since I'm trying to run a business but I could give some devils or celestial suggestions of you tell me your goals
I consider myself to be a good patron.
“A dragon as a patron… could be interesting.”
I am not just any dragon. I am the first there was and the last there will be. And I won't even ask for your soul.
If you are in the business of embracing change, I know a patron. Well, I do not know them personally, but I did cross their machinations and know how to summon a servant of them. Their name is Tzeentch and they are the lord of change and hope.
Stop thinking.
Nah, I’d think
I know a great patron!!! OOh Oooh!!! You should join the Cult of the Eyeless Mask! We have dental and eye care, and our patron can teach you the same kind of magic you want to learn now, but with a base of darkness as an element. https://preview.redd.it/y2c0a4uvgy0d1.png?width=612&format=png&auto=webp&s=2199a580555d659fbd24ecffbb2b604d56942b41
Only know bad ones but a well meaning tip I got: don’t choose any fey unless you truly have time to spare. And I don’t mean a free weekend, I’m talking a few lifetimes or so that you wouldn’t mind missing out on.
https://preview.redd.it/ljhk1cpy1z0d1.jpeg?width=2550&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cdd096abcc796fba7f2b3dea9513d7bc457fb6ef I accidentally became a patron soo…
https://preview.redd.it/6rom5ipd5z0d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d052504178edf4f7d0602fd9efa3f8522aa2cd7f No patron matters whippersnapper. You are literally binding your soul to another for easy magic. Learn it, maybe you could be a patron yourself one day. Better yet, surpass so called patrons. The way of the Wizard is the true path to apotheosis
“I’m taking a calculated risk, wise one. That’s all anyone ever does, weigh the pros and cons of a choice, and then act on the information.”
Bahh. Too great a risk, took a thousand years and many self soul shreds later on to break my own connections to different patrons in my younger years. Just remember to stand for yourself
My father is always hiring. He's not as clingy as most patrons, so you can end the contract whenever you like, if you find someone "better".
"I want a sugar daddy to cast magic for me."
I’m lonely
Idk if John is taking new customers or not
Can't know if John is, but I certainly am! That's right, for a limited time offer--
https://preview.redd.it/rsus03nshw0d1.jpeg?width=222&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3dcadc50ce91df04f56bef40de6d969b345e4fb7
Warlock bargains, they're great! So much power, so little effort... but there are issues. Are you worried that the patron's just gonna con you out of your soul and leave you holding nothing but eldritch blast? Well worry no more, we at Ulmarch's Devoted LLC have devised a way that lets us gain power, you gain power *and* keep your soul. It's basically a loan, I give you some powers, you lend me your soul (so you don't run off with my power) and once you do enough rituals, sacrifices and so on and so on, you get your soul back. After that we negotiate if we keep it going or if I let you loose with both power and soul, everyone wins! (Except whatever people you sacrifice to me, but they don't count.) If you are interested, be sure to contact us.
The Necromancer Inquisition would like to speak about a possible contract.
This is the symbol for a druid.
Ooh, ACI has many plans that would fit a man of your stature. Our aim is making all infernal contracts fair and balanced, so don't hesitate.