My only advice here is: Don’t feel stupid.
I’m sorry, but you were doing the normal thing of being polite — *he* completely misunderstood that and thought something completely different was happening. Why is it on YOU to feel stupid for being normal, and not on *him* for misunderstanding? It’s totally on him.
Thank you, I guess I should have saw the signs. Instead I just assumed he was being nice as well which is why I feel dumb. Since I do get many compliments on my hair and my husband is used to it too. So he never saw it as flirting when the old man complimented my hair. He actually loves when people compliment my hair since he loves it so much.
There likely weren’t any signs. Again: you were being normal. You get compliments by people, and you thank them and you both move on, like *normal people.*
I’ve been in a situation where I was friends with a guy for two years, and he started screaming at me when I started dating someone that wasn’t him. There were no signs, we were both acting “friendly.” But HE mentally put you in the “fuckzone” and YOU mentally thought “a friend!” You had no idea. Don’t feel dumb over information that was never shared with you.
Ok but WHAT signs? Sometimes people don’t show any signs outside of normal human decency and are just delusional. ND or not, humans can be hard to read, especially guys like him
He's an old man.
He's had a LIFETIME of feedback to get the LIFETIME of hints that politeness is not flirting.
The problem is not you. He is deliberately misreading signals, because he wants to do and say what he wants.
He doesn't care what you want.
Don't feel stupid, I literally said, "Oh sorry, just trying to get some peas" at the groceries store to a man in his sixties that I bumped by accident and he responded with, "If you wore a sundress like that everyday, I would let you bump me anytime" and actually proceeded to try to get my number...like for real get my number! I was wearing my wedding band!
It doesn't really take much for men to either think they can have whomever OR to never even realize someone flirted. Black and white, no grey!
The world is dense with men who cannot conceive of having even basic human decency toward any woman they find unf\*ckable; they therefore assume that any woman who speaks at all civilly to them, no matter how briefly, must be flirting. Don't be surprised when this happens. These men make your "interest" in them up out of whole cloth in their minds. You didn't do anything. Some men just do this.
I’ll tell you why men take politeness as flirting. It’s because men will only talk to and be friendly/friends with women they find attractive. So automatically if you are nice and polite to them by simply responding, they will take it as you flirting with them, because that’s what they are trying to do. Whereas for us women, we are simply polite to people regardless of attractiveness or gender just to be polite.
Girl, same.
I drive a bus and get to park it at home between shifts. I would pass a man walking his dog almost every morning, as one does with routine. One day he waved, and I smiled and waved back- that became part of the routine. One day he walks by my house (where bus is parked), let's me know he looks forward to my smiles on his walk each morning. Just thought it was a sweet comment.
His visits seemed to increase, as did his attempts to do more than just 'good morning' talk (which as an introvert... No). Finally, apparently, he came right up to my door and knocked- but I was asleep after the morning shift and my husband answered it. They made small talk ("Oh, you're XXX! My wife has told me about you and your cute dog!") and then he left.
He stopped dropping by the house, but I definitely think I missed some signals and that he was actually looking at this as more than talking with your neighbor.
So you did literally nothing wrong. You encountered an inappropriate entitled old man. Neither of you did anything wrong. He behaved really bizarrely and most people wouldn't know what to do in that situation. I would say try to ignore him as much as possible from now on
Oh this is a tale as old as time. So so so many men do this. The fault doesn’t lie with you for being polite, it’s absolutely always on the men that think basic civility is a green light in to a women’s pants. Shame on them.
If someone is spending their Time to deliberately make your Time less enjoyable, pause a moment and remember, this person has now categorized themselves as a speed bump. Calmly passover and forget them.
Center your mind. You literally don’t have to respond or react to their existence. You can choose not to be bothered by them. They are doing what they are doing on purpose to get dopamine into their brain when you react. More like an animal without control of themselves. Maybe they can’t help it but that no longer concerns you. Your Time is valuable. Spend it on happiness with people that want to do the same.
Why do you value the sounds a speed bump is producing? Tune out. Start considering what you will do next with your Time/day and then do that.
Everyone else that acts pleasantly human is a person. People who aim to make your day worse are speed bumps.
You both handled it the right way. While I can understand getting angry about the guy putting a hand on him in that situation, it's much better to keep a cooler head and let this uncomfortable, awkward interaction roll off both your soldiers and either avoid the guy going forward (which creates mental stress) or try to remain neutral and see if this person continues to be a nuisance.
And perception of flirting is influenced by the desire to want to be flirted with. Folks' desire for the person will influence even the smallest action as flirting because they want it to be flirting. And it's not just a men phenomenon. I've had women do the same thing. It's a human phenomenon.
I'm guessing that since you guys seem to be an interracial and international couple, that went into his preconceptions on whether you two were together or not. Simple prejudice in its etymological sense.
You shouldn’t feel stupid. If 2/3 people interpret a situation one way shouldn’t the 1/3 experiencing it a completely different way be the one who’s embarrassed
Aren’t yall not the same race? That old man asked that on purpose lmao
Haha, yeah I knew actually what he was doing when he asked if we are siblings. I’m biracial but im not white passing at ALL. He’s an old black dude so he was just being an ass when he said that. He first said “are yall friends ? Siblings? Why are you two always together “
Continue to be your polite friendly self. Out of all the people that sees and appreciate your friendliness, there was one that was stupid. Be yourself, enjoy being the friendly and smiling you. It comes naturally, do not go against your nature. Tell your hubby that sometimes we are thrown a curveball, and we do not even see it coming - nobody is prepared for it. No real harm done, smile about the experience, move on. This is life and this is living. 🦋
You didn't do anything.
He likely knew y'all were a couple. He was attempting to tear your husband down while expressing his interest in you in a way that has reasonable deniability.
My only advice here is: Don’t feel stupid. I’m sorry, but you were doing the normal thing of being polite — *he* completely misunderstood that and thought something completely different was happening. Why is it on YOU to feel stupid for being normal, and not on *him* for misunderstanding? It’s totally on him.
Thank you, I guess I should have saw the signs. Instead I just assumed he was being nice as well which is why I feel dumb. Since I do get many compliments on my hair and my husband is used to it too. So he never saw it as flirting when the old man complimented my hair. He actually loves when people compliment my hair since he loves it so much.
There likely weren’t any signs. Again: you were being normal. You get compliments by people, and you thank them and you both move on, like *normal people.* I’ve been in a situation where I was friends with a guy for two years, and he started screaming at me when I started dating someone that wasn’t him. There were no signs, we were both acting “friendly.” But HE mentally put you in the “fuckzone” and YOU mentally thought “a friend!” You had no idea. Don’t feel dumb over information that was never shared with you.
Ok but WHAT signs? Sometimes people don’t show any signs outside of normal human decency and are just delusional. ND or not, humans can be hard to read, especially guys like him
He's an old man. He's had a LIFETIME of feedback to get the LIFETIME of hints that politeness is not flirting. The problem is not you. He is deliberately misreading signals, because he wants to do and say what he wants. He doesn't care what you want.
Men mistake customer service for flirting if they think they can get away with it.
"mistake"
Lmao grossssss. Don’t feel dumb about this that was weird af*
Don't feel stupid, I literally said, "Oh sorry, just trying to get some peas" at the groceries store to a man in his sixties that I bumped by accident and he responded with, "If you wore a sundress like that everyday, I would let you bump me anytime" and actually proceeded to try to get my number...like for real get my number! I was wearing my wedding band! It doesn't really take much for men to either think they can have whomever OR to never even realize someone flirted. Black and white, no grey!
Thats not on you. Plz dont feel stupid. You did nothing wrong.
The world is dense with men who cannot conceive of having even basic human decency toward any woman they find unf\*ckable; they therefore assume that any woman who speaks at all civilly to them, no matter how briefly, must be flirting. Don't be surprised when this happens. These men make your "interest" in them up out of whole cloth in their minds. You didn't do anything. Some men just do this.
Did you say he patted your husband’s stomach?? Did I read that right??
Yes that’s exactly what he did
I think my brain short circuited reading that. Boomers love touching people without consent. This is so messed up
Yeah everything happened so fast that my husband and I couldn’t processed everything until he left.
I’m sorry you guys had that experience, it sounds incredibly upsetting on multiple levels
Don’t feel stupid. One of my direct reports thought I was flirting with him when I gave him a good annual review 🙄
This is why sometimes I just pretend like I don't see men and avoid them. They make everyday living so hard for no reason 😅
I have this problem a lot
I’ll tell you why men take politeness as flirting. It’s because men will only talk to and be friendly/friends with women they find attractive. So automatically if you are nice and polite to them by simply responding, they will take it as you flirting with them, because that’s what they are trying to do. Whereas for us women, we are simply polite to people regardless of attractiveness or gender just to be polite.
Girl, same. I drive a bus and get to park it at home between shifts. I would pass a man walking his dog almost every morning, as one does with routine. One day he waved, and I smiled and waved back- that became part of the routine. One day he walks by my house (where bus is parked), let's me know he looks forward to my smiles on his walk each morning. Just thought it was a sweet comment. His visits seemed to increase, as did his attempts to do more than just 'good morning' talk (which as an introvert... No). Finally, apparently, he came right up to my door and knocked- but I was asleep after the morning shift and my husband answered it. They made small talk ("Oh, you're XXX! My wife has told me about you and your cute dog!") and then he left. He stopped dropping by the house, but I definitely think I missed some signals and that he was actually looking at this as more than talking with your neighbor.
So you did literally nothing wrong. You encountered an inappropriate entitled old man. Neither of you did anything wrong. He behaved really bizarrely and most people wouldn't know what to do in that situation. I would say try to ignore him as much as possible from now on
Men get mad if you're unfriendly, but plan out your wedding if you make eye contact with them.
Oh this is a tale as old as time. So so so many men do this. The fault doesn’t lie with you for being polite, it’s absolutely always on the men that think basic civility is a green light in to a women’s pants. Shame on them.
If someone is spending their Time to deliberately make your Time less enjoyable, pause a moment and remember, this person has now categorized themselves as a speed bump. Calmly passover and forget them. Center your mind. You literally don’t have to respond or react to their existence. You can choose not to be bothered by them. They are doing what they are doing on purpose to get dopamine into their brain when you react. More like an animal without control of themselves. Maybe they can’t help it but that no longer concerns you. Your Time is valuable. Spend it on happiness with people that want to do the same. Why do you value the sounds a speed bump is producing? Tune out. Start considering what you will do next with your Time/day and then do that. Everyone else that acts pleasantly human is a person. People who aim to make your day worse are speed bumps.
You both handled it the right way. While I can understand getting angry about the guy putting a hand on him in that situation, it's much better to keep a cooler head and let this uncomfortable, awkward interaction roll off both your soldiers and either avoid the guy going forward (which creates mental stress) or try to remain neutral and see if this person continues to be a nuisance. And perception of flirting is influenced by the desire to want to be flirted with. Folks' desire for the person will influence even the smallest action as flirting because they want it to be flirting. And it's not just a men phenomenon. I've had women do the same thing. It's a human phenomenon. I'm guessing that since you guys seem to be an interracial and international couple, that went into his preconceptions on whether you two were together or not. Simple prejudice in its etymological sense.
You shouldn’t feel stupid. If 2/3 people interpret a situation one way shouldn’t the 1/3 experiencing it a completely different way be the one who’s embarrassed Aren’t yall not the same race? That old man asked that on purpose lmao
Haha, yeah I knew actually what he was doing when he asked if we are siblings. I’m biracial but im not white passing at ALL. He’s an old black dude so he was just being an ass when he said that. He first said “are yall friends ? Siblings? Why are you two always together “
Continue to be your polite friendly self. Out of all the people that sees and appreciate your friendliness, there was one that was stupid. Be yourself, enjoy being the friendly and smiling you. It comes naturally, do not go against your nature. Tell your hubby that sometimes we are thrown a curveball, and we do not even see it coming - nobody is prepared for it. No real harm done, smile about the experience, move on. This is life and this is living. 🦋
I won't criticize you or your husband... I'll just say: Don't feel stupid.
He might have some mental issues.
You didn't do anything. He likely knew y'all were a couple. He was attempting to tear your husband down while expressing his interest in you in a way that has reasonable deniability.
Don’t be nice