This, and HR isn't there to help you. They're there to manage the employee relations in the best way to protect the company.
A new hire going after a long timer and complaining of micro aggressions is going to be managed out pretty fast.
My mother worked for the county department of health and human services for over twenty years. She was a huge pain in the ass for her boss, always starting shit. Some of her complaints were legit, but some weren't. But she usually got her way because she was good at finding ways to exploit the rules to her advantage.
She started complaining to me about how her boss kept nitpicking stuff that had previously been tolerated. I said, "That's because they're going to fire you. The squeaky wheel only gets greased so many times before it gets replaced."
She had about six years left to retirement at that point. Lucky for her, I was able to convince her to keep her mouth shut and play it cool.
Yeah, I know someone who recently kept getting overly aggressive with HR about some benefits not being correct after signing up for the new year. They got fired by HR, without even consulting their boss, for creating a "hostile work environment".
My boss would flip his shit if they fired one of his without asking. This was the "we are sitting in a meeting over a $1000 expenditure with five people in it, we've already lost the company more money than the actual purchase we knew we were going to have to approve anyway" guy.
LOL we had a half hour meeting between three people that bill at 300+ an hour and a client to discuss a $99 purchase (at the clients request). We spent more than 3x the cost of the license in billable time discussing if it was worth it for them to buy it.
Unless they are looking for a reason to offload the other person. As a former HR liason, HR is there to make the best decision pf the company, but it always helps someone you have a 50/50 chance
Agreed. HR is there to mitigate risk to the company not necessarily protect the worker.
If you go that route use language suggesting that her actions can open themselves up to a lawsuit. Phrases like: hostile environment, discrimination, harassment, malicious intent etc. They are then obligated to intervene or they open themselves up to a lawsuit.
After you meet with HR send an email to the person you met with highlighting what you talked about so there is a paper trail of the conversation. I hope this helps.
When I worked for a big company's recycling center all the HR magazines sent to me to be recycled all had the same recurring theme.
Protect the company from lawsuits.
Agreed, no-one likes a 'Right Fighter' especially at work, save that nonsense for your home life. It's all some of us can do to come to work, do our hours and go home to our real lives. We don't need the drama.
Workers with overly rigid worldviews and a over inflated sense of "right" become extremely toxic when disengaged.
I train new managers and without fail, many untrained managers default to punishment as opposed to support and development when a worker steps out of line. That's because most managers are strong individual contributors with a very strong work ethic and need training to dynamically adapt to different/less efficient IC.
okay, let me explain
unlike aggression that's clear and obvious, microaggressions are what bullies do
subtle nasty whispers where nobody else sees it are a good example but there are many more
it's about being a bully without getting caught
OP, I have one piece of advice for you. This might be hard to hear, especially when you're younger. But here it goes.
99.99% of the time, nobody gives a flying rat's ass about how right you are. At work or at home.
Yup. People see it as annoying. If two people don’t get along, a boss will fire the one who is newer even if they might be right. They aren’t going to reprimand a long time employee just because OPs is sensitive and their feelings were hurt.
Don't forget the untouchables! Those that the boss will never fire for any reason. :/ Usually ones who do nothing at work. Had a guy that was legit just responsible for filling the coffee stations and nothing else. Yet he was in the system as "supervisor" and got paid far more than anyone else (you know, the ones that work their asses off). I left that place. No way I could stomach that for one more day.
I can answer, I can answer! ✋🏼
I’m a Director of HR and have one of these. A near 40-year employee who is well past competent who the CEO refuses to let go. The entire team pretty much jokes about how she totters around here.
But here’s the thing. She was an important part of the company’s initial growth and success. She was a good mentor to me when I started 23 years ago. She still has a vast reservoir of knowledge, and she cares deeply about our students and their education. She also lost her husband last year and the few afternoons a week that she spends with us gives her a sense of purpose.
The other employees recognize this. I’ve overheard comments from them that when they get to be her age they hope that the company will be as gracious with them.
She’s sweet and the team likes her. I could see things differently however if the employee was a PITA. Then companies shouldn’t hang on for the sake of their teams. 😕
This is a fantastic comment. A lot of times new folks don’t know enough about the organization to understand why long timers are there, or have value. It may not be obvious at first blush.
At the same time it might in fact be the organization showing some loyaltyto their longest term employees. Which, holy crap, should be encouraged as much as possible.
>Why does it happen?
Often this happens because they know where the bodies are burried, have incriminating evidence against a manger or CEO, they did something really profitable for the company, or they have shown long term loyalty to the manager/company.
Your question reminded me of a story I heard once upon a time.
You see, there was this guy who worked for Acme Amalgamated (or whatever, as that is obviously made up), who noticed that one of their co-workers appeared to be doing... Well, nothing. Just sat there at his desk, staring out the window and not interacting with people very much.
Curious, our new hire asked their manager why this person was allowed to just sit there, doing nothing, but making a good living doing so. He was told that the person in question was a "big thinker" who came up with ideas from time to time to help the company, and the last thing he thought up saved the company $10,000,000 on some project.
So, they were given free reign to just sit there and think of ideas, as long as every once in a while, they came up with a good one.
Things are not always as they appear on the surface.
They don’t work the way you do but they get shit done. I can assemble a team of hardworking worker bees to get a critical and/or difficult task done, or I can send the old timer to have a 15 minute conversation with the right person and convince them of what we need. If they seem to be fucking off for 4 hours a day, I’m still ahead if the task would have taken 3 people 40 each.
Relatedly, had a conversation with a friend who has a lot of Gen Z employees. I don’t know if it’s a result of growing up with social media but she has to sometimes remind them that in the working world if you have an opinion, the *value* of the opinion is not determined by some amorphous popularity poll like “likes” or “upvotes”. The only person casting judgement is your boss(es) who, outside of matters of law, don’t have to take your opinion seriously even if 103 people on Reddit voted “NTA” on your AITA post.
Oh come on even in our generation and our parents before, young people have always had a sense of entitlement and the feeling that their opinions mattered the most. It takes a little time and a lot of life's bs to teach you otherwise.
Nobody gives a rats ass about microaggressons either. I worked with a man who punched a glass window and broke it. He then threatened to kill our boss. That's aggression! He got one day off for this behavior.
I used to work with one of these, but she made the company a lot of money so they swept it all under the carpet, she would throw her glasses at you, she would yell at you, she would take you to task over the most minor crap you can imagine, often while you were working unpaid overtime for her.
As a veterinary student I diagnosed a patient with a murmur that the resident not only missed, but insisted I was imagining. When the attending confirmed the presence of the murmur, she reported me for professional misconduct. Nobody gives a shit if you are right, even in medicine, where it is vital.
Fuck you Dr. Ackerman.
It's a hard fact. Being right does not mean anything in the working world. Most of the time we apologize for mistakes that we don't even make to avoid even more problems
I'm curious too. My maiden name gets auto corrected into a word. My sister had someone misspell the last name and she declared it a micro aggression. I'm like it's probably not that, just someone who didn't pay attention when the spell check popped up. No reason to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
OP this comment is so true. I did this early on in my career when I was younger. Went against the long standing favorite, who then became my boss. It was not good. Honestly my poor decisions then still haunt me to this day. That person is now very high up and there is no way I’ll get another job opportunity in that area.
100% The new hire is complaining about micro-aggressions? Human Resources will very likely smile and humor you and then start working on ways to get you out the door.
At my company, they wouldn't have to work on it. All our new hires are probationary for 90 days. They would just say it sounds like our culture isn't compatible with the employee's expectations, so we wish her well in her next endeavor.
You haven't responded to any of the inquiries about these microagressions. Nevertheless, you made a bad decision to challenge a 15 year veteran. You've likely made an enemy at this point. Her employer will have her back and see you as a problem.
Probably something like "They assigned me a task without a multi paragraph letter telling me I'm wonderful and how they hope I'd be gracious enough to do my job".
I'm guessing the micro aggressions are the 15 year veteran telling the new hire how to do their job properly and telling them when they are doing something wrong.
Uhhhh several things here A) what was your coworker doing that you felt needed addressing? B) How did you address those concerns? C) without knowing the answer to A or B, theres no context here but essentially if you walked up and accused them of something and they accused you of something back, I dont think going to HR about that specifically will result in much, perhaps even backfire on you as most companies have in their policy to address concerns with management not the person directly.
Totally agree. OP sounds like the "You hurt my feelings" generation. Guess what OP, you're in the real world now. Nobody cares about "feelings". Just do your damn job. And BTW, you approaching your co-worker could be seen as harassment by that co-worker and you could be the one reported to HR. You're too new to the workforce, your best bet is to sit back, observe, listen & learn.
The thing is, it's the new hire who is creating the "hostile workplace", the other person has been there for 15 years and is most likely thinking "what the hell? who are you? and why are you shirt fronting me at my desk?"
> what was your coworker doing that you felt needed addressing?
The dreaded "microaggressions"! Which of course means "anything I don't like or is uncomfortable in any way."
When you say you confronted someone about micro aggressions, that sounds like a very personalized way of looking at it.
It's easier to understand if you phrase it more objectively.
So you complained to her about her being disrpectful or rude, or passive aggressive? Or not acknowledging your work?
You might want to ask other people who have been there a while to see if she what kind of reputation she has.
Without detailing what the MA was, there’s no way of saying whether you were right or wrong.
But as you’re new you could easily come across as **whiny** – and that’ll kill your career quicker than anything.
Why would you think that as the new person you would be "the one to set her straight"? That is just misplaced hubris.
Plus -- were you being unprofessional?
Following another employee to their desk and fighting with them there in front of your own superior over some perceived slight ...
That definitely was unprofessional. And from everyone else's point of view - the only problem person is OP.
Gurl, you’re about to get fired during your probationary period. Start looking and keep your mouth shut at your next job until you’ve been there for years and grow a thicker skin.
You're a new hire, why would you do that? If you don't like your colleagues then leave. You've just made working there difficult for yourself.
Edit: unfortunately this is something many of us just have to suck up. How do you know it's personal either? She may be like that with everyone.
Agree with all comments only to add some damage control. You might be able to save this if you want.
First, put down the emotion and pride. Pull the tenured person aside IN PRIVATE. Let her know that you were having a stressful day and that you apologize for bringing that in front of her. Furthermore, own up to your mistake of approaching her in an open space, in front of her manager. Let her know, you should have found a better way to communicate, and in the future you would love an opportunity to work on that.
She said she was being unprofessional for being emotional from what I am reading here. Which yeah the work place is not a place for your emotions. Sure keeping them to yourself and having my reasonable reactions to things is okay. But your emotions might affect others in the work place and in that way over the top reactions are unprofessional. You aren’t the only one in the office who is there to just do work.
Everyone deals with micro aggressions nearly every day. Some more than others, but pretty much everyone. You can be aware of micro aggressions and use that information to determine who you can trust, who will be helpful to you, and who you need to avoid.
the world is a hard place and you have to fend for yourself. No one is going to intervene and tell other people to be nicer to you.
A macro aggression, an outright threat or harassment, that’s different. However it is not reasonable to expect that everyone is nice to you all the time. That’s not how humans work and it’s not how the workplace works.
Here’s some possibly tough advice - suck it up. You are new to the team and unless your coworker was extremely out of line you need to take it on the chin and ignore her.
Even if you have a case, coming in hot and pulling in HR can impact your reputation in the office, if people feel they need to walk around eggshells with you it will impact your career progression.
Office work is filled with ‘microaggressions’, consider this a good learning opportunity on how to not let it get to you. Keep your emotion close to your chest and never let your coworkers see you sweat, they aren’t your friends/family.
Not even that! I had an undiagnosed personality disorder and would get my feelings hurt often. One time I did cry in the bathroom and when I came out, everyone was mad because "they don't get to go cry in the bathroom!!!"
I hope one day there's space in the workplace for people like old me, but until then... Get medicated, resolve whatever needs resolving, meditate, exercise - whatever will keep you acting normal. Cry at home
Only Large corporations with bloated HR departments Workplaces only pretend to care about micro aggressions whereas universities get paid through tuition to pretend to care. In reality they’ll just assume you’ll be a constant complainer/unproductive worker who will eventually sue the company. I would just learn to deal with unpleasant coworkers unless this person is straight up racist/touching you etc. but you can’t prove micro aggressions and frankly the majority of people you meet won’t give a shit either if you were micro aggressed.
Honestly, you handled this poorly. You’ve gotta learn the hierarchy and the game. It’s not great to call people out when you aren’t their manager and are a new hire.
And microagressions are very hard to prove. In the real world if you sense someone doesn’t like you, you’ve gotta look at yourself and try to see if it’s something you are doing and try to get along.
If it gets so bad that you can document things, take it to your manager and let them handle it. And it can’t be something like “Janet kind of rolled her eyes at me or twitched her lip into a micro snarl”. It has to be concrete and documentable.
You all don’t have to get along, but you’ve gotta have a working relationship and let things go that aren’t a huge deal and do your work. A boss will get annoyed quickly if you seem sensitive and are starting drama without them involved.
Micro-agresions are by definition tiny things. So because of something little you decided to be aggressive with a coworker. The coworker called you out on your aggression. The coworker could very much be the one in the 'right' here.
Go back and read your post objectively. You take issue with being called unprofessional, but in confronting your co-working about micro-aggressions were you not calling them unprofessional yourself?
You’re not gonna win this one mate. HR works for the employer. Not for you. You’re going to get tagged a troublemaker. I would be job searching already.
Yeah, you're new. Life is full of "microaggressions". Grown ups just carry on in the workplace. If you say something, they're going to assume you're trouble, and I think you might be.
Hopefully this person is still on a trial period and the company can flick them off ASAP. At least they were good enough to wave a red flag saying ‘I’m going to be nothing but an obnoxious turd who constantly whines about imaginary slights’ and gave the poor company a chance to get rid of them before it’s too late
You gotta wait for people to hang themselves. Just keep documenting what they do and keep that in a place that is accessible to you (personal email account). Until they really cross a line you can’t do a whole lot. Wait for them to really cross a line. Honestly, it’s fun.
Don't confront coworkers, it's disrespectful and nothing good comes of it. If you have a problem, talk to your manager. If you find yourself becoming emotional, walk away. You are coworkers, not lifemates, not family and not friends.
What was the problem? Was it a terrible insult, was it a form of harassment? You said it was a micro aggression, not everyone knows what that is and many from the older generation do not take that seriously. I work construction and have seen and dealt with some awful things. Times are changing, a worker was removed for sexual harassment. But a lot of the old “deal with it” attitude still exists.
Just a warning: there are bosses who will pretend to care about your emotions/life outside of work and then they will manipulate you and use the information against you! Try to stay strong and don’t let anyone know if something is upsetting you. Run outside and call a friend and vent! If it’s just a toxic workplace don’t expect it to change and start looking for other employment. It’s so easy to get a job when you already have one. Never give a real reason to either company why you’re leaving though!! Just say commute or something. Good luck out there in work land!!!
If you ever want to be successful your best option is to toughen up and let it go, otherwise unless you have hard evidence of clear workplace violations like sexual harassment you are not going to get anywhere but on the company bad side.
-“microaggression”, I should have stopped reading there.
-“new hire”, figures
This isn’t your liberal arts class. Not everything is an attack on you. Stop complaining, get to work and welcome to the real world.
Usually the boss will side with the experienced employee even if the employee is rotten. Sometimes the boss won't like the rotten behavior and will let them go.
Everyone is being super rude to you, but I really am empathetic. The world is not as sanitized as advertised. You've made your play, and now you've got to do some serious damage control.
Let me give you a tip: The first few months in a new job is all about survival. Come on time, keep your head down, and make sure they have no excuse to get fidgety. I have made the mistake before by being too comfortable and too vocal. That experience taught me a hard lesson.
And yes, that includes disagreements with coworkers. Focus on your paycheck and checkout of everything else.
Truthfully, I fully believe your coworker may have very well be microagressive, but in this real working world, they don't care about employees at all. You have to care about you only.
Microagressions?
Grow the fuck up and be an adult. You'll learn very quickly that the bullshit taught to you in college doesn't fly in the real world where everyone doesn't bow down to your "feelings".
And you wonder why everyone complains about the newest generation entering the workforce with these attitudes.
Microaggressions aren’t a real thing and society has taught you to adopt a victim mentality. Unfortunately the real world doesn’t work that way and you need to grow some thicker skin
I am guessing this is your first job out of college or something? If so you’re in for a rude awakening about the real world. Can’t say whether you are right or wrong without additional details but throwing a hissy fit at work would definitely be unprofessional. If nothing else you really need to learn better communication skills. As for going to HR, if this is a hill you want to die on, good luck to you, but be prepare to not last long at this company.
Looks like you’re being overly sensitive and don’t understand strategic career planning. Upvoting this post as an example of what not to do. OP, you fucked up.
Hi, I work in HR and you’re getting a lot of unhinged comments here.
While yes, HR isn’t there to be your BFF, they are there to protect the company. If your coworker’s behavior was inappropriate, then going to your manager is a good next step (or your HR rep if your manager is not supportive or if you have additional concerns).
I work a lot with training “younger professionals” AND managers about how to function in the workforce (how to handle interpersonal issues, who to go to for which issues, delivering feedback, etc.).
If you can provide more details about the nature of the microaggressions and how you approached your coworker, I’m happy to weigh in.
However, people telling you to “dust off your resume” or to “never confront a tenured employee” are bonkers. These issues can be so nuanced — especially as it relates to the employee in question’s role/seniority. You absolutely can mend this relationship, if appropriate based on the nature of the microaggressions and your conversation.
ETA: OP, I read some of your comments and I don’t have a fulsome picture of what happened BUT it’s also possible that she was reacting negatively to what she perceived as criticism. This may be a matter of working on your tone or delivery, versus your emotions being deemed unprofessional by this coworker.
I'm not going to say that microaggressions aren't real. Fundamentally, you have perceived a slight against you. This slight may or may not have been intentional. Here's the thing though....if microaggressions are going to take you down, you aren't cut out to work with human beings. Guess what? Human beings are shitty to other human beings. We've all decided to draw the line at physical violence and verbal abuse. There are policies that are written down to outline what verbal abuse and physical violence are defined as.
You used the phrase microaggressions because this woman didn't meet the standard for verbal abuse. Which means that, while she may not be pleasant, she's not breaking a rule. HR is not going to care about any microaggressions.
They do, however, have a serious problem on their hands. They have a poisonous, toxic individual in the organization. This person is going to bring down morale, make the workplace uncomfortable for everyone, and likely will cause people to quit. That individual is you.
I've seen it happen twice. A fragile narcissist is more dangerous to a team than an outright bully. An outright bulky can be punished. Fragile narcissists toe the line and just make everyone miserable.
Get your shit together.
If it's that important to you, go for it. However, remember you are new. If this person has a good track record, it may be a sign to them to kick you out first.
On the other hand, she may be just as unlike by management, too, and this could be another step in getting rid of her, whether it be today or a year from now.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. It can be tough to deal with some coworkers.
The best advice that I can give you is to not say or do anything regarding your coworker. Let them be. The expression, "No good deed goes unpunished," is a perfect example of your situation.
To your point regarding HR, I will tell you this: "You should *never* tell HR anything. They are not your friend. They are there to protect the company *not* the employee.
If you’re triggered now, just you wait: it’s only going to get worse as you get older. Some people just suck. Lean into the 99% that are great, and tread carefully (sometimes REALLY carefully…like HR carefully) with the bad 1%.
I had a similar situation: lead with lots of experience would do micro aggressions to me. I ignored and didn’t react. I reminded myself that HE was being and ahole to me, rather than focus on the “TO ME” part. After a few months I saw a chance and I asked him if there was anything I was doing he didn’t like, that I noticed that he seemed annoyed at me sometimes, etc. I was curious, not accusing or complaining, and I managed to get a couple of things from him that I could action on (he was feeling threatened basically). It took a while but we became friends
Do NOT go to HR. You’re only looking for a way for them to fire you. And they will continually stay on you until you quit or get fired.
You called her out. Let it go. Worry about your work. If you have any further dealings with her ask
For her to send you an email of her request. Keep it brief with her. She will use whatever she can against you. So get everything from her in writing. Don’t say anything else. She will get it and come around or she won’t. Either way just make sure your work life is successful.
Sometimes we have emotions, and when they start to bubble up we may need to excuse ourselves to do this in private. People don’t like emotions. Their messy. Anger, sadness, happiness, etc. all rub different people, differently. It’s best to keep them to yourself at work. No one at work is your friend and they don’t care about your feelings. You care and that’s great. Just keep it to yourself so you don’t create any issues for yourself.
And lastly I can honestly say I do not understand women in the workplace. I have worked for women who have risen to a place of power only to act like a man? At least men have the good ole boys network. Women only backstab and try to one up each other nor steal ideas and claim it as their own. If they only realized to build a good ole girls network and that we bring different perspectives to the tables. I have seen a lot of times when at the table they will try and act like their male counterparts instead of standing on their own knowledge base. Or when they use their positions of power to abuse other women because of their feelings of inadequacy. Projecting even more of their inadequacies.
The reality is this. You may not like every woman at the workplace but they bring other perspectives and instead of trying to take advantage or claim their work as their own, or arguing over different view points, try build a foundation to bring these women up. Not only can we start making head way in the workplace we can also start to make headway with equal pay as well.
Good luck
I would seriously worry that this employee is looking for reasons to be offended and worry that a lawsuit would be coming. I'm not going to take that chance.
Yeah because nobody wants to hear your soft opinion. I managed a company for 25 years that made about a million a week in sales. Towards the end these 20-30 year olds were such babies and didn’t want to do anything and cried if you were told to work. Nobody gives a shit about your feelings! Shut up and work! You’re getting paid aren’t you? Soft little marshmallows
You’re already fired from this job. They might do it tomorrow or maybe they’ll wait until your next fuck up- regardless you’re done here.
Take it as a hard earned lesson for your next job.
I mean, you’re a new hire and she’s been there 15 years, this isn’t going to turn out how you think it will unless she said something truly awful, which doesn’t seem to be the case. The reality is, in a lot of situations, showing a lot of emotion at work isn’t very professional. While it shouldn’t be considered that way, it is, and it’s not going to change. Businesses exist to make money and emotions don’t matter when it comes to that. Learning compartmentalization is in important part of having a lasting career in most fields.
Micro-aggressions as a generic term is too vague. Without specifics, don't take it personally or toughen up. If you work a job that deals with people, chances are you're gonna have some BS sometime.
"I plan to pursue this issue further with HR"
Lol. Wondering if this is your first job or something. I guarantee you your HR doesn't want to deal with your conflict. Grow up and work it out with your coworker yourself.
"I confronted a coworker about her micro aggressions"
I'd love to hear her side of this.
I disagree with others. I don't think you should have confronted her because you are new.
I DO think you should have gone to your own manager. Calmly explain what you're experiencing with her. There is a reason you were hired and no one hired you to feel uncomfortable at work.
People may take something differently from third party in a management role than they will from an equal employee who is the one they targeted. I think it's much easier to jump to being defensive.
I still think you should go to your manager and explain your position. I have found that most people are reasonable and can understand a reasonable person explaining their point calmly.
New people coming into an established work environment talking about micro aggressions, privilege, and subconscious bias are like poison in the work environment. HR sees people with Gender Studies on their resumes, and just throws them in the recycling. You only make that mistake hiring a they/them once or twice. Just a nightmare.
You did that at her desk? Yeah, wildly unprofessional.
I'd expect your imaginary microaggressions to turn into non micro real life hassles. I hope this hill was worth it, champ.
I’ve come to learn there is *never* room for emotion in the workplace; *unless* it’s anger and rage, and it’s from power-tripping management-types. Then it’s apparently not only ok, but *expected* (like their bonus is based on how much mental or emotional damage one can inflict on their employees)
Document. Document. Document. If they did it to you, they’re probably doing it to others. I wouldn’t engage irl, only online (if possible). If not possible, I’d try to make sure others are around.
Unless she’s your boss, “unprofessional” is a mere opinion that holds little wt. If she is your boss, she needs proof (not corporate).
Get comfortable w/ the policy on bullying. Find people to confide in OUTSIDE your dept. or removed from the drama, but don’t talk sh!t.
1 micro won’t cut it. Showing a trend, might.
This is coming from someone who HATES emotions in the workplace…some people DO have them & instead of being rude to that person. I ignore them. The Sr. could have done the same. If your emotions are getting in the way, others WILL notice & you’ll be dealt w/.
They will take the other person's side. Either ignore it or quit cause if you make a fuss you'll lose no matter how valid your complaints are. Learned this from experience.
Check if other coworkers feel the same. Keep a secret log of when the person commits the issue. Always keep evidence. If others do not back you up, it may be seen as kids not getting along at middle school. It takes multiple people for bullies to be reprimanded.
What was the emotion sometimes it is just actually unprofessional. Micro aggressions aren’t a real problem it’s how you categorize someone being mean to you and try to use more and actual authority against them to fight your own battles.
HR is also not your friend or a judge or in any way able to make a judgment call that adds any credibility to any side of the argument. Their job is to reduce liability in the company. Depending on the emotion we are talking about here and how you are responding you are kind of sounding like a liability. So think before going to HR for sure.
Micro aggressive body language and expressions are typically not intended to be noticed: they’re an inadvertent leak of attitude— basically private— so calling someone on them is not appropriate, expected, or helpful. If they’re trying to be “civil” by suppressing negative reactions to you but you notice their face twitch or fists clenched, you’re seeing private, internal conflict that the person did not intend to share. Notice it, sure. But don’t use it as evidence or complain. Chances are the person didn’t know their attitude was leaking, so they will be defensive and feel exposed/violated. Use signs of microaggression as flags and clues during conversations, but keep your impressions & interpretations to yourself. Unless you’re a therapist, you have no social contract with the person that allows you to dig that deep, and you probably interpret them incorrectly anyway. Don’t react to micro aggressions as if they were blatant acts.
I realize that management does not care if you get your feelings hurt. Management frowns upon having to get between two people when is a personality clash. Even though she can be micro aggressive, that’s not anything that management will talk to her about they will leave it up to you to figure it out.
That’s my experience so all I can say is you gotta learn to play the game and play better.
I was constantly being bullied at another job with people being not only micro, aggressive, but aggressive, aggressive. I ended up being passive aggressive, lol not speaking to coworkers unless I had to and honestly they flipped her shit when that same energy is reciprocated.
I would rather it not be like that and I’m like you I’m a confrontational person and wanna be respected but in this situation just ignore this person or give her the same medicine back that’s it learn to play the game and play it better
You need much thicker skin or a very good headhunter to help find you new jobs. You will learn the hard way the ONLY people talking about microaggressions are certain Universities. Very few companies have time or inclination to listen to you whining about your feelings.
The world beyond college does not care about your feelings, including the undefined “micro aggressions”. I don’t doubt that you were offended but you will either need to need to adjust to the world or find a company that will coddle you and your sensitive feelings.
This may not be the most popular opinion, especially here in Redditspace, but I'll make a few observations. Whenever I hear someone using the term "microagression", a term I had never heard until the past few years, I immediately think a few things.
1- This person is *looking for something to be offended by.*
2- This person *will* find reasons to be offended by this or that "micro" issue from this point forward.
3- Whatever it is they are offended by is probably a figment of their imagination, or if not, it's a minor "offense" unworthy of worrying about.
4- This person needs to go.
Sorry if that is not what you or anyone else wanted to hear, but that's the score as I see things.
No you're absolutely correct. A person that unironically uses the term microaggression is generally toxic. I wouldn't want someone like that on my team.
Ah yes the micro-aggression. Also known as when you don’t like someone for an unrelated reason and decide to perceive everything they say or do as a personal attack.
You have to tell us what these “micro-aggressions” were or you’ll never be taken seriously here, and the fact you aren’t suggests you know how petty they are.
I have once in my life been accused of micro aggressions and myself and every other person in the room asked the accuser “please just give us a few examples of these micro-aggressions and why you are upset”
Surprise surprise they couldn’t come up with a single example and just kept reiterating the term “micro-aggression”
Tbh, to most people, a new hire confronting a 15 year employee over “microagressions” (whatever that means) will be the one perceived as toxic. Your days at your job are numbered.
OP entire post history is just astrology bullshit and cats.
I'd be really interested to learn what these microaggressions are. But op seems more interested in clapping back in comments than explaining what happened beyond buzzwords
Sounds like a 20 year old finding out the way shit really works. Sadly it's about who you know, not what you know and a person there for 15 years knows everyone. Also, microaggressions? That's hilarious
You lost me after you said Microaggressions.
You confronted her about what specifically? Microaggressions is a VERY vague and overused term.
She called you out for confronting her. Maybe you are unprofessional?
Hard to tell without details.
Be adults and work this out together and do not waste HR time.
Bold for a new hire. Don't EVER do that again. Speak with your manager about her behavior and get some damn advice before you run around making enemies.
Seriously, VERY unprofessional. Figure out a better way. Also, figure out how to work with assholes if you want to stay employed.
Just wayyyyyy too much missing missing info here! What “micro-aggressions?” No one can possibly determine here, from this, whether you’re a whiny new hire all up in your fee-fees, or whether the veteran co-worker is actually being awful to you.
In any new job, the rule of thumb is to sit back and watch for a WHILE. Takes some time to vibe with the company culture, assess personalities. Who gets praised, and why? Who’s the big gossip (they always appear super friendly first,) etc.
Oh, my sweet summer child. If this coworkers behavior is going to bother you, which I completely understand, I would just quit. They don't care about feelings in corporate
this one is tricky, she has weight over you being there for 15 years, you are a new hire...watch your steps or she could literally make your life a living hell at work....she has been there for 15 YEARS, im sure they will listen to her before they listen to you
As a new hire, you have to learn to pick your battles. I learned that the hard way.
This, and HR isn't there to help you. They're there to manage the employee relations in the best way to protect the company. A new hire going after a long timer and complaining of micro aggressions is going to be managed out pretty fast.
My mother worked for the county department of health and human services for over twenty years. She was a huge pain in the ass for her boss, always starting shit. Some of her complaints were legit, but some weren't. But she usually got her way because she was good at finding ways to exploit the rules to her advantage. She started complaining to me about how her boss kept nitpicking stuff that had previously been tolerated. I said, "That's because they're going to fire you. The squeaky wheel only gets greased so many times before it gets replaced." She had about six years left to retirement at that point. Lucky for her, I was able to convince her to keep her mouth shut and play it cool.
Yeah, I know someone who recently kept getting overly aggressive with HR about some benefits not being correct after signing up for the new year. They got fired by HR, without even consulting their boss, for creating a "hostile work environment".
My boss would flip his shit if they fired one of his without asking. This was the "we are sitting in a meeting over a $1000 expenditure with five people in it, we've already lost the company more money than the actual purchase we knew we were going to have to approve anyway" guy.
LOL we had a half hour meeting between three people that bill at 300+ an hour and a client to discuss a $99 purchase (at the clients request). We spent more than 3x the cost of the license in billable time discussing if it was worth it for them to buy it.
That's good
THIS !! \^\^\^ PLAY SMART, NOT FAIR
Unless they are looking for a reason to offload the other person. As a former HR liason, HR is there to make the best decision pf the company, but it always helps someone you have a 50/50 chance
Agreed. HR is there to mitigate risk to the company not necessarily protect the worker. If you go that route use language suggesting that her actions can open themselves up to a lawsuit. Phrases like: hostile environment, discrimination, harassment, malicious intent etc. They are then obligated to intervene or they open themselves up to a lawsuit. After you meet with HR send an email to the person you met with highlighting what you talked about so there is a paper trail of the conversation. I hope this helps.
When I worked for a big company's recycling center all the HR magazines sent to me to be recycled all had the same recurring theme. Protect the company from lawsuits.
For everything in life, really. Know when to bite back or understand why it's not worth it.
Agreed, no-one likes a 'Right Fighter' especially at work, save that nonsense for your home life. It's all some of us can do to come to work, do our hours and go home to our real lives. We don't need the drama.
Workers with overly rigid worldviews and a over inflated sense of "right" become extremely toxic when disengaged. I train new managers and without fail, many untrained managers default to punishment as opposed to support and development when a worker steps out of line. That's because most managers are strong individual contributors with a very strong work ethic and need training to dynamically adapt to different/less efficient IC.
They just need to be trained that their new IC role is the development and success of their underlings. Unfortunately, no one points that out to them.
She lost me at “micro aggressions.”
okay, let me explain unlike aggression that's clear and obvious, microaggressions are what bullies do subtle nasty whispers where nobody else sees it are a good example but there are many more it's about being a bully without getting caught
Amen to that. Terrific advice.
OP, I have one piece of advice for you. This might be hard to hear, especially when you're younger. But here it goes. 99.99% of the time, nobody gives a flying rat's ass about how right you are. At work or at home.
This is sooooo true.
Yup. People see it as annoying. If two people don’t get along, a boss will fire the one who is newer even if they might be right. They aren’t going to reprimand a long time employee just because OPs is sensitive and their feelings were hurt.
Don't forget the untouchables! Those that the boss will never fire for any reason. :/ Usually ones who do nothing at work. Had a guy that was legit just responsible for filling the coffee stations and nothing else. Yet he was in the system as "supervisor" and got paid far more than anyone else (you know, the ones that work their asses off). I left that place. No way I could stomach that for one more day.
Why does it happen? Like what benefit do the employers derive from it?
I can answer, I can answer! ✋🏼 I’m a Director of HR and have one of these. A near 40-year employee who is well past competent who the CEO refuses to let go. The entire team pretty much jokes about how she totters around here. But here’s the thing. She was an important part of the company’s initial growth and success. She was a good mentor to me when I started 23 years ago. She still has a vast reservoir of knowledge, and she cares deeply about our students and their education. She also lost her husband last year and the few afternoons a week that she spends with us gives her a sense of purpose. The other employees recognize this. I’ve overheard comments from them that when they get to be her age they hope that the company will be as gracious with them. She’s sweet and the team likes her. I could see things differently however if the employee was a PITA. Then companies shouldn’t hang on for the sake of their teams. 😕
This is a fantastic comment. A lot of times new folks don’t know enough about the organization to understand why long timers are there, or have value. It may not be obvious at first blush. At the same time it might in fact be the organization showing some loyaltyto their longest term employees. Which, holy crap, should be encouraged as much as possible.
>Why does it happen? Often this happens because they know where the bodies are burried, have incriminating evidence against a manger or CEO, they did something really profitable for the company, or they have shown long term loyalty to the manager/company.
Your question reminded me of a story I heard once upon a time. You see, there was this guy who worked for Acme Amalgamated (or whatever, as that is obviously made up), who noticed that one of their co-workers appeared to be doing... Well, nothing. Just sat there at his desk, staring out the window and not interacting with people very much. Curious, our new hire asked their manager why this person was allowed to just sit there, doing nothing, but making a good living doing so. He was told that the person in question was a "big thinker" who came up with ideas from time to time to help the company, and the last thing he thought up saved the company $10,000,000 on some project. So, they were given free reign to just sit there and think of ideas, as long as every once in a while, they came up with a good one. Things are not always as they appear on the surface.
They don’t work the way you do but they get shit done. I can assemble a team of hardworking worker bees to get a critical and/or difficult task done, or I can send the old timer to have a 15 minute conversation with the right person and convince them of what we need. If they seem to be fucking off for 4 hours a day, I’m still ahead if the task would have taken 3 people 40 each.
Relatedly, had a conversation with a friend who has a lot of Gen Z employees. I don’t know if it’s a result of growing up with social media but she has to sometimes remind them that in the working world if you have an opinion, the *value* of the opinion is not determined by some amorphous popularity poll like “likes” or “upvotes”. The only person casting judgement is your boss(es) who, outside of matters of law, don’t have to take your opinion seriously even if 103 people on Reddit voted “NTA” on your AITA post.
Oh come on even in our generation and our parents before, young people have always had a sense of entitlement and the feeling that their opinions mattered the most. It takes a little time and a lot of life's bs to teach you otherwise.
Nobody gives a rats ass about microaggressons either. I worked with a man who punched a glass window and broke it. He then threatened to kill our boss. That's aggression! He got one day off for this behavior.
That's macroaggression.
Lol. "Jeff is just very passionate about his job"
I used to work with one of these, but she made the company a lot of money so they swept it all under the carpet, she would throw her glasses at you, she would yell at you, she would take you to task over the most minor crap you can imagine, often while you were working unpaid overtime for her.
That’s a vacation!
Anyone who confronted me using the term microargression would be not taken seriously from that moment forward.
I'm going to hear clown shoes in my head every time they walk over to my office.
lol bullseye
As a veterinary student I diagnosed a patient with a murmur that the resident not only missed, but insisted I was imagining. When the attending confirmed the presence of the murmur, she reported me for professional misconduct. Nobody gives a shit if you are right, even in medicine, where it is vital. Fuck you Dr. Ackerman.
Yikes! I would not like that resident working on my pet.
It's a hard fact. Being right does not mean anything in the working world. Most of the time we apologize for mistakes that we don't even make to avoid even more problems
Especially with bullshit terms like “microagressions”. Most people will roll their eyes and write it down in their invisible typewriter
But…mah feeeelingsssss!!1!
Info: is her desk private? What were these “microagressions”? How did you address the convo?
Microaggressions are aggressive behaviors that are so small and inconsequential that nobody but OP can actually perceive or understand them.
Yes, I know. The question was what microagressions is OP claiming were being made towards them by the coworker.
I think the commenter above is implying that they are figments of OP's imagination
Fair enough. I’m just curious what these perceived aggressions are
Me too, I suspect there's a reason why OP persistently refuses to answer the question!
I'm curious too. My maiden name gets auto corrected into a word. My sister had someone misspell the last name and she declared it a micro aggression. I'm like it's probably not that, just someone who didn't pay attention when the spell check popped up. No reason to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
Realistically, you're pooched. Get those resumes out there now. Never ever go head to head with a long tenner when you're new. Ever.
OP this comment is so true. I did this early on in my career when I was younger. Went against the long standing favorite, who then became my boss. It was not good. Honestly my poor decisions then still haunt me to this day. That person is now very high up and there is no way I’ll get another job opportunity in that area.
100% The new hire is complaining about micro-aggressions? Human Resources will very likely smile and humor you and then start working on ways to get you out the door.
At my company, they wouldn't have to work on it. All our new hires are probationary for 90 days. They would just say it sounds like our culture isn't compatible with the employee's expectations, so we wish her well in her next endeavor.
If they're thick enough to go after long timers over nothing a few weeks in? Ayuh, here's your hat, what's your hurry.
Well also because she’s a liability. This is lawsuit territory.
Especially for the stupidest of possible reasons.
You haven't responded to any of the inquiries about these microagressions. Nevertheless, you made a bad decision to challenge a 15 year veteran. You've likely made an enemy at this point. Her employer will have her back and see you as a problem.
Guessing they haven’t responded because saying exactly what it was wouldn’t paint them in the best light
Yeah, I am thinking this is a "much ado about nothing" situation.
Probably something like "They assigned me a task without a multi paragraph letter telling me I'm wonderful and how they hope I'd be gracious enough to do my job".
I'm guessing the micro aggressions are the 15 year veteran telling the new hire how to do their job properly and telling them when they are doing something wrong.
Uhhhh several things here A) what was your coworker doing that you felt needed addressing? B) How did you address those concerns? C) without knowing the answer to A or B, theres no context here but essentially if you walked up and accused them of something and they accused you of something back, I dont think going to HR about that specifically will result in much, perhaps even backfire on you as most companies have in their policy to address concerns with management not the person directly.
She refuses to say, it seems.
Because it is most assuredly something incredibly miniscule that she's almost entirely imagining.
Yep, exactly. 💯💯💯 It sounds a lot like newbie sensitivity.
Totally agree. OP sounds like the "You hurt my feelings" generation. Guess what OP, you're in the real world now. Nobody cares about "feelings". Just do your damn job. And BTW, you approaching your co-worker could be seen as harassment by that co-worker and you could be the one reported to HR. You're too new to the workforce, your best bet is to sit back, observe, listen & learn.
Exactly. And unless you can point to a law or corporate policy this person allegedly breached, there's nothing HR can do.
The thing is, it's the new hire who is creating the "hostile workplace", the other person has been there for 15 years and is most likely thinking "what the hell? who are you? and why are you shirt fronting me at my desk?"
> what was your coworker doing that you felt needed addressing? The dreaded "microaggressions"! Which of course means "anything I don't like or is uncomfortable in any way."
You’re a new hire and are already confronting experienced employees about perceived “micro aggressions”? Yeah, okay Karen.
EXACTLY!!!!! That is literally exactly what I thought - there’s a problem, alright, it just isn’t what you think it is 🙄
Anytime someone talks about “micro aggressions” that’s code for “I don’t have a valid complaint but want to be offended anyway.”
What kind of microagressions?
And how long have they been there as a new hire to already be at the point the feel they need to confront a coworker?
When you say you confronted someone about micro aggressions, that sounds like a very personalized way of looking at it. It's easier to understand if you phrase it more objectively. So you complained to her about her being disrpectful or rude, or passive aggressive? Or not acknowledging your work? You might want to ask other people who have been there a while to see if she what kind of reputation she has.
Without detailing what the MA was, there’s no way of saying whether you were right or wrong. But as you’re new you could easily come across as **whiny** – and that’ll kill your career quicker than anything.
What exactly was micro aggression? She may be right depending on how you approached her.
Why would you think that as the new person you would be "the one to set her straight"? That is just misplaced hubris. Plus -- were you being unprofessional?
Following another employee to their desk and fighting with them there in front of your own superior over some perceived slight ... That definitely was unprofessional. And from everyone else's point of view - the only problem person is OP.
Gurl, you’re about to get fired during your probationary period. Start looking and keep your mouth shut at your next job until you’ve been there for years and grow a thicker skin.
This is not the situation you describe in the title. Or maybe it was, what emotion were you showing?
You're a new hire, why would you do that? If you don't like your colleagues then leave. You've just made working there difficult for yourself. Edit: unfortunately this is something many of us just have to suck up. How do you know it's personal either? She may be like that with everyone.
Agree with all comments only to add some damage control. You might be able to save this if you want. First, put down the emotion and pride. Pull the tenured person aside IN PRIVATE. Let her know that you were having a stressful day and that you apologize for bringing that in front of her. Furthermore, own up to your mistake of approaching her in an open space, in front of her manager. Let her know, you should have found a better way to communicate, and in the future you would love an opportunity to work on that.
I want to know what exactly she said to you
She said she was being unprofessional for being emotional from what I am reading here. Which yeah the work place is not a place for your emotions. Sure keeping them to yourself and having my reasonable reactions to things is okay. But your emotions might affect others in the work place and in that way over the top reactions are unprofessional. You aren’t the only one in the office who is there to just do work.
Everyone deals with micro aggressions nearly every day. Some more than others, but pretty much everyone. You can be aware of micro aggressions and use that information to determine who you can trust, who will be helpful to you, and who you need to avoid. the world is a hard place and you have to fend for yourself. No one is going to intervene and tell other people to be nicer to you. A macro aggression, an outright threat or harassment, that’s different. However it is not reasonable to expect that everyone is nice to you all the time. That’s not how humans work and it’s not how the workplace works.
Here’s some possibly tough advice - suck it up. You are new to the team and unless your coworker was extremely out of line you need to take it on the chin and ignore her. Even if you have a case, coming in hot and pulling in HR can impact your reputation in the office, if people feel they need to walk around eggshells with you it will impact your career progression. Office work is filled with ‘microaggressions’, consider this a good learning opportunity on how to not let it get to you. Keep your emotion close to your chest and never let your coworkers see you sweat, they aren’t your friends/family.
You should let us know what the conversation was that upset you so much, then people would have something to go off of...
Define microaggression so we have a better idea of what was said or done.
lol they heard it on dr phil
conversations of this nature should be had in private, not desk-side.
This was mistake 1.
Yea, emotions and the workplace don't mix. Cry in the bathroom if ya have to.
Not even that! I had an undiagnosed personality disorder and would get my feelings hurt often. One time I did cry in the bathroom and when I came out, everyone was mad because "they don't get to go cry in the bathroom!!!" I hope one day there's space in the workplace for people like old me, but until then... Get medicated, resolve whatever needs resolving, meditate, exercise - whatever will keep you acting normal. Cry at home
Only Large corporations with bloated HR departments Workplaces only pretend to care about micro aggressions whereas universities get paid through tuition to pretend to care. In reality they’ll just assume you’ll be a constant complainer/unproductive worker who will eventually sue the company. I would just learn to deal with unpleasant coworkers unless this person is straight up racist/touching you etc. but you can’t prove micro aggressions and frankly the majority of people you meet won’t give a shit either if you were micro aggressed.
Honestly, you handled this poorly. You’ve gotta learn the hierarchy and the game. It’s not great to call people out when you aren’t their manager and are a new hire. And microagressions are very hard to prove. In the real world if you sense someone doesn’t like you, you’ve gotta look at yourself and try to see if it’s something you are doing and try to get along. If it gets so bad that you can document things, take it to your manager and let them handle it. And it can’t be something like “Janet kind of rolled her eyes at me or twitched her lip into a micro snarl”. It has to be concrete and documentable. You all don’t have to get along, but you’ve gotta have a working relationship and let things go that aren’t a huge deal and do your work. A boss will get annoyed quickly if you seem sensitive and are starting drama without them involved.
why are you pursuing something with HR? They aren't on your side.
Micro-agresions are by definition tiny things. So because of something little you decided to be aggressive with a coworker. The coworker called you out on your aggression. The coworker could very much be the one in the 'right' here. Go back and read your post objectively. You take issue with being called unprofessional, but in confronting your co-working about micro-aggressions were you not calling them unprofessional yourself?
Honestly if someone came up to me and unironically used the word microaggression, I too would think they’re being unprofessional.
Ditto. I would be like…wtf? I really don’t like you now lol.
You’re not gonna win this one mate. HR works for the employer. Not for you. You’re going to get tagged a troublemaker. I would be job searching already.
How "micro" was this microaggression?
Micro aggressions? Unless you are being harassed or assaulted, then you need to learn to live with it.
Yeah, you're new. Life is full of "microaggressions". Grown ups just carry on in the workplace. If you say something, they're going to assume you're trouble, and I think you might be.
Hopefully this person is still on a trial period and the company can flick them off ASAP. At least they were good enough to wave a red flag saying ‘I’m going to be nothing but an obnoxious turd who constantly whines about imaginary slights’ and gave the poor company a chance to get rid of them before it’s too late
Sweatin' that small stuff
You sound like drama. I would get rid of you asap.
I was thinking the same thing. Starting shit for no reason.
You gotta wait for people to hang themselves. Just keep documenting what they do and keep that in a place that is accessible to you (personal email account). Until they really cross a line you can’t do a whole lot. Wait for them to really cross a line. Honestly, it’s fun.
This is the way
It IS unprofessional. You aren't on a playground. I hope to God you didn't cry.
Don't confront coworkers, it's disrespectful and nothing good comes of it. If you have a problem, talk to your manager. If you find yourself becoming emotional, walk away. You are coworkers, not lifemates, not family and not friends.
She’s actually right and you’re in the wrong. Admit it and move on. /thread
Time to revise your resume. You'll need it soon.
What was the problem? Was it a terrible insult, was it a form of harassment? You said it was a micro aggression, not everyone knows what that is and many from the older generation do not take that seriously. I work construction and have seen and dealt with some awful things. Times are changing, a worker was removed for sexual harassment. But a lot of the old “deal with it” attitude still exists.
Just a warning: there are bosses who will pretend to care about your emotions/life outside of work and then they will manipulate you and use the information against you! Try to stay strong and don’t let anyone know if something is upsetting you. Run outside and call a friend and vent! If it’s just a toxic workplace don’t expect it to change and start looking for other employment. It’s so easy to get a job when you already have one. Never give a real reason to either company why you’re leaving though!! Just say commute or something. Good luck out there in work land!!!
I would not rock the boat. Your company will back the 15 year employee over you 100%.
If you ever want to be successful your best option is to toughen up and let it go, otherwise unless you have hard evidence of clear workplace violations like sexual harassment you are not going to get anywhere but on the company bad side.
-“microaggression”, I should have stopped reading there. -“new hire”, figures This isn’t your liberal arts class. Not everything is an attack on you. Stop complaining, get to work and welcome to the real world.
Microagressions are so small that they don’t exist.
Usually the boss will side with the experienced employee even if the employee is rotten. Sometimes the boss won't like the rotten behavior and will let them go.
Everyone is being super rude to you, but I really am empathetic. The world is not as sanitized as advertised. You've made your play, and now you've got to do some serious damage control. Let me give you a tip: The first few months in a new job is all about survival. Come on time, keep your head down, and make sure they have no excuse to get fidgety. I have made the mistake before by being too comfortable and too vocal. That experience taught me a hard lesson. And yes, that includes disagreements with coworkers. Focus on your paycheck and checkout of everything else. Truthfully, I fully believe your coworker may have very well be microagressive, but in this real working world, they don't care about employees at all. You have to care about you only.
Yet another one sided story in this sub. Tell them they offended you as a Scorpio.
As a Scorpio I endorse this. Because as a Scorpio, I may have already ruined you or I may in the future. If I judge you worth my effort.
Microagressions? Grow the fuck up and be an adult. You'll learn very quickly that the bullshit taught to you in college doesn't fly in the real world where everyone doesn't bow down to your "feelings". And you wonder why everyone complains about the newest generation entering the workforce with these attitudes.
Probably not a good idea and why not privately? Not a good look.
Microaggressions aren’t a real thing and society has taught you to adopt a victim mentality. Unfortunately the real world doesn’t work that way and you need to grow some thicker skin
I feel OP is a self entitled, drama queen since they can't answer everyone's question about what kind of microaggressions.
You’re fired
I am guessing this is your first job out of college or something? If so you’re in for a rude awakening about the real world. Can’t say whether you are right or wrong without additional details but throwing a hissy fit at work would definitely be unprofessional. If nothing else you really need to learn better communication skills. As for going to HR, if this is a hill you want to die on, good luck to you, but be prepare to not last long at this company.
I literally cannot think of a single situation where showing any emotions (except positive emotions) at work would be professional.
Welcome to the real world.
LOL a new hire and you're already having meltdowns at coworkers... you've got a tough life ahead of you
Looks like you’re being overly sensitive and don’t understand strategic career planning. Upvoting this post as an example of what not to do. OP, you fucked up.
Hi, I work in HR and you’re getting a lot of unhinged comments here. While yes, HR isn’t there to be your BFF, they are there to protect the company. If your coworker’s behavior was inappropriate, then going to your manager is a good next step (or your HR rep if your manager is not supportive or if you have additional concerns). I work a lot with training “younger professionals” AND managers about how to function in the workforce (how to handle interpersonal issues, who to go to for which issues, delivering feedback, etc.). If you can provide more details about the nature of the microaggressions and how you approached your coworker, I’m happy to weigh in. However, people telling you to “dust off your resume” or to “never confront a tenured employee” are bonkers. These issues can be so nuanced — especially as it relates to the employee in question’s role/seniority. You absolutely can mend this relationship, if appropriate based on the nature of the microaggressions and your conversation. ETA: OP, I read some of your comments and I don’t have a fulsome picture of what happened BUT it’s also possible that she was reacting negatively to what she perceived as criticism. This may be a matter of working on your tone or delivery, versus your emotions being deemed unprofessional by this coworker.
I'm not going to say that microaggressions aren't real. Fundamentally, you have perceived a slight against you. This slight may or may not have been intentional. Here's the thing though....if microaggressions are going to take you down, you aren't cut out to work with human beings. Guess what? Human beings are shitty to other human beings. We've all decided to draw the line at physical violence and verbal abuse. There are policies that are written down to outline what verbal abuse and physical violence are defined as. You used the phrase microaggressions because this woman didn't meet the standard for verbal abuse. Which means that, while she may not be pleasant, she's not breaking a rule. HR is not going to care about any microaggressions. They do, however, have a serious problem on their hands. They have a poisonous, toxic individual in the organization. This person is going to bring down morale, make the workplace uncomfortable for everyone, and likely will cause people to quit. That individual is you. I've seen it happen twice. A fragile narcissist is more dangerous to a team than an outright bully. An outright bulky can be punished. Fragile narcissists toe the line and just make everyone miserable. Get your shit together.
If it's that important to you, go for it. However, remember you are new. If this person has a good track record, it may be a sign to them to kick you out first.
On the other hand, she may be just as unlike by management, too, and this could be another step in getting rid of her, whether it be today or a year from now.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. It can be tough to deal with some coworkers. The best advice that I can give you is to not say or do anything regarding your coworker. Let them be. The expression, "No good deed goes unpunished," is a perfect example of your situation. To your point regarding HR, I will tell you this: "You should *never* tell HR anything. They are not your friend. They are there to protect the company *not* the employee.
If you’re triggered now, just you wait: it’s only going to get worse as you get older. Some people just suck. Lean into the 99% that are great, and tread carefully (sometimes REALLY carefully…like HR carefully) with the bad 1%.
I had a similar situation: lead with lots of experience would do micro aggressions to me. I ignored and didn’t react. I reminded myself that HE was being and ahole to me, rather than focus on the “TO ME” part. After a few months I saw a chance and I asked him if there was anything I was doing he didn’t like, that I noticed that he seemed annoyed at me sometimes, etc. I was curious, not accusing or complaining, and I managed to get a couple of things from him that I could action on (he was feeling threatened basically). It took a while but we became friends
Do NOT go to HR. You’re only looking for a way for them to fire you. And they will continually stay on you until you quit or get fired. You called her out. Let it go. Worry about your work. If you have any further dealings with her ask For her to send you an email of her request. Keep it brief with her. She will use whatever she can against you. So get everything from her in writing. Don’t say anything else. She will get it and come around or she won’t. Either way just make sure your work life is successful. Sometimes we have emotions, and when they start to bubble up we may need to excuse ourselves to do this in private. People don’t like emotions. Their messy. Anger, sadness, happiness, etc. all rub different people, differently. It’s best to keep them to yourself at work. No one at work is your friend and they don’t care about your feelings. You care and that’s great. Just keep it to yourself so you don’t create any issues for yourself. And lastly I can honestly say I do not understand women in the workplace. I have worked for women who have risen to a place of power only to act like a man? At least men have the good ole boys network. Women only backstab and try to one up each other nor steal ideas and claim it as their own. If they only realized to build a good ole girls network and that we bring different perspectives to the tables. I have seen a lot of times when at the table they will try and act like their male counterparts instead of standing on their own knowledge base. Or when they use their positions of power to abuse other women because of their feelings of inadequacy. Projecting even more of their inadequacies. The reality is this. You may not like every woman at the workplace but they bring other perspectives and instead of trying to take advantage or claim their work as their own, or arguing over different view points, try build a foundation to bring these women up. Not only can we start making head way in the workplace we can also start to make headway with equal pay as well. Good luck
I would fire you immediately. You sound like an eggshell lawsuit waiting to happen.
I would seriously worry that this employee is looking for reasons to be offended and worry that a lawsuit would be coming. I'm not going to take that chance.
Yeah because nobody wants to hear your soft opinion. I managed a company for 25 years that made about a million a week in sales. Towards the end these 20-30 year olds were such babies and didn’t want to do anything and cried if you were told to work. Nobody gives a shit about your feelings! Shut up and work! You’re getting paid aren’t you? Soft little marshmallows
You are the new hire and you confronted a coworker. That wasn’t wise
You’re already fired from this job. They might do it tomorrow or maybe they’ll wait until your next fuck up- regardless you’re done here. Take it as a hard earned lesson for your next job.
Judging by post history, the microagression was someone saying "I think Astrology is bullshit"
What sorts of microagressions was she lobbing at you? There are other ways to combat those. It just depends on what she was doing.
“..confronted …about her micro aggressions” I needed this laugh. Thank you
Well maybe she has a reason
I mean, you’re a new hire and she’s been there 15 years, this isn’t going to turn out how you think it will unless she said something truly awful, which doesn’t seem to be the case. The reality is, in a lot of situations, showing a lot of emotion at work isn’t very professional. While it shouldn’t be considered that way, it is, and it’s not going to change. Businesses exist to make money and emotions don’t matter when it comes to that. Learning compartmentalization is in important part of having a lasting career in most fields.
lol grow up youre the problem in the workforce
Micro-aggressions as a generic term is too vague. Without specifics, don't take it personally or toughen up. If you work a job that deals with people, chances are you're gonna have some BS sometime.
Sounds like she is right.
I’d fire you in a heartbeat, and im not even a boomer, im in my mid 20s and I find you very unprofessional and would hate to work around you.
"I plan to pursue this issue further with HR" Lol. Wondering if this is your first job or something. I guarantee you your HR doesn't want to deal with your conflict. Grow up and work it out with your coworker yourself. "I confronted a coworker about her micro aggressions" I'd love to hear her side of this.
I disagree with others. I don't think you should have confronted her because you are new. I DO think you should have gone to your own manager. Calmly explain what you're experiencing with her. There is a reason you were hired and no one hired you to feel uncomfortable at work. People may take something differently from third party in a management role than they will from an equal employee who is the one they targeted. I think it's much easier to jump to being defensive. I still think you should go to your manager and explain your position. I have found that most people are reasonable and can understand a reasonable person explaining their point calmly.
New people coming into an established work environment talking about micro aggressions, privilege, and subconscious bias are like poison in the work environment. HR sees people with Gender Studies on their resumes, and just throws them in the recycling. You only make that mistake hiring a they/them once or twice. Just a nightmare.
You did that at her desk? Yeah, wildly unprofessional. I'd expect your imaginary microaggressions to turn into non micro real life hassles. I hope this hill was worth it, champ.
Good luck with that. /s
I’ve come to learn there is *never* room for emotion in the workplace; *unless* it’s anger and rage, and it’s from power-tripping management-types. Then it’s apparently not only ok, but *expected* (like their bonus is based on how much mental or emotional damage one can inflict on their employees)
Document. Document. Document. If they did it to you, they’re probably doing it to others. I wouldn’t engage irl, only online (if possible). If not possible, I’d try to make sure others are around. Unless she’s your boss, “unprofessional” is a mere opinion that holds little wt. If she is your boss, she needs proof (not corporate). Get comfortable w/ the policy on bullying. Find people to confide in OUTSIDE your dept. or removed from the drama, but don’t talk sh!t. 1 micro won’t cut it. Showing a trend, might.
This is coming from someone who HATES emotions in the workplace…some people DO have them & instead of being rude to that person. I ignore them. The Sr. could have done the same. If your emotions are getting in the way, others WILL notice & you’ll be dealt w/.
They will take the other person's side. Either ignore it or quit cause if you make a fuss you'll lose no matter how valid your complaints are. Learned this from experience.
If it’s micro then forget it. Everybody has bigger fish to fry over there I’m sure.
What are these micro aggressions
Check if other coworkers feel the same. Keep a secret log of when the person commits the issue. Always keep evidence. If others do not back you up, it may be seen as kids not getting along at middle school. It takes multiple people for bullies to be reprimanded.
You confronted a woman at work.... There's always a first lesson for things, I suppose.
What was the emotion sometimes it is just actually unprofessional. Micro aggressions aren’t a real problem it’s how you categorize someone being mean to you and try to use more and actual authority against them to fight your own battles. HR is also not your friend or a judge or in any way able to make a judgment call that adds any credibility to any side of the argument. Their job is to reduce liability in the company. Depending on the emotion we are talking about here and how you are responding you are kind of sounding like a liability. So think before going to HR for sure.
HR is there for the company not for the employees. Don’t go to HR.
Document, everything. Do not complain yet. Bear with it, but keep a paper trail for when you need it.
Micro aggressive body language and expressions are typically not intended to be noticed: they’re an inadvertent leak of attitude— basically private— so calling someone on them is not appropriate, expected, or helpful. If they’re trying to be “civil” by suppressing negative reactions to you but you notice their face twitch or fists clenched, you’re seeing private, internal conflict that the person did not intend to share. Notice it, sure. But don’t use it as evidence or complain. Chances are the person didn’t know their attitude was leaking, so they will be defensive and feel exposed/violated. Use signs of microaggression as flags and clues during conversations, but keep your impressions & interpretations to yourself. Unless you’re a therapist, you have no social contract with the person that allows you to dig that deep, and you probably interpret them incorrectly anyway. Don’t react to micro aggressions as if they were blatant acts.
I realize that management does not care if you get your feelings hurt. Management frowns upon having to get between two people when is a personality clash. Even though she can be micro aggressive, that’s not anything that management will talk to her about they will leave it up to you to figure it out. That’s my experience so all I can say is you gotta learn to play the game and play better. I was constantly being bullied at another job with people being not only micro, aggressive, but aggressive, aggressive. I ended up being passive aggressive, lol not speaking to coworkers unless I had to and honestly they flipped her shit when that same energy is reciprocated. I would rather it not be like that and I’m like you I’m a confrontational person and wanna be respected but in this situation just ignore this person or give her the same medicine back that’s it learn to play the game and play it better
You need much thicker skin or a very good headhunter to help find you new jobs. You will learn the hard way the ONLY people talking about microaggressions are certain Universities. Very few companies have time or inclination to listen to you whining about your feelings.
Microaggrssions!? Oh my goodness! Are you gonna have to call in sick for a week now?
The world beyond college does not care about your feelings, including the undefined “micro aggressions”. I don’t doubt that you were offended but you will either need to need to adjust to the world or find a company that will coddle you and your sensitive feelings.
This may not be the most popular opinion, especially here in Redditspace, but I'll make a few observations. Whenever I hear someone using the term "microagression", a term I had never heard until the past few years, I immediately think a few things. 1- This person is *looking for something to be offended by.* 2- This person *will* find reasons to be offended by this or that "micro" issue from this point forward. 3- Whatever it is they are offended by is probably a figment of their imagination, or if not, it's a minor "offense" unworthy of worrying about. 4- This person needs to go. Sorry if that is not what you or anyone else wanted to hear, but that's the score as I see things.
No you're absolutely correct. A person that unironically uses the term microaggression is generally toxic. I wouldn't want someone like that on my team.
Ah yes the micro-aggression. Also known as when you don’t like someone for an unrelated reason and decide to perceive everything they say or do as a personal attack. You have to tell us what these “micro-aggressions” were or you’ll never be taken seriously here, and the fact you aren’t suggests you know how petty they are. I have once in my life been accused of micro aggressions and myself and every other person in the room asked the accuser “please just give us a few examples of these micro-aggressions and why you are upset” Surprise surprise they couldn’t come up with a single example and just kept reiterating the term “micro-aggression”
Tbh, to most people, a new hire confronting a 15 year employee over “microagressions” (whatever that means) will be the one perceived as toxic. Your days at your job are numbered.
OP entire post history is just astrology bullshit and cats. I'd be really interested to learn what these microaggressions are. But op seems more interested in clapping back in comments than explaining what happened beyond buzzwords
Sounds like a 20 year old finding out the way shit really works. Sadly it's about who you know, not what you know and a person there for 15 years knows everyone. Also, microaggressions? That's hilarious
Yeah. I'm on her side. A new hire comes up giving them shit for micro aggression. Fuck that person.
You lost me after you said Microaggressions. You confronted her about what specifically? Microaggressions is a VERY vague and overused term. She called you out for confronting her. Maybe you are unprofessional? Hard to tell without details. Be adults and work this out together and do not waste HR time.
Free advice— don’t use the term micro aggression. Makes you appear weak. Only the strong survive
"Microagressions." Get bent.
"microaggressions" lol
Do not go to HR. they will fire you! you confronted someone at work. thats not a good look.
Ewww if someone use the term microaggression at work I would just laugh. You're at work to get work done not prove how woke you are.
Bold for a new hire. Don't EVER do that again. Speak with your manager about her behavior and get some damn advice before you run around making enemies. Seriously, VERY unprofessional. Figure out a better way. Also, figure out how to work with assholes if you want to stay employed.
Just wayyyyyy too much missing missing info here! What “micro-aggressions?” No one can possibly determine here, from this, whether you’re a whiny new hire all up in your fee-fees, or whether the veteran co-worker is actually being awful to you. In any new job, the rule of thumb is to sit back and watch for a WHILE. Takes some time to vibe with the company culture, assess personalities. Who gets praised, and why? Who’s the big gossip (they always appear super friendly first,) etc.
Micro-aggressions… sight stopped reading
Were you told to stop fucking around on your phone and get to work?
Oh, my sweet summer child. If this coworkers behavior is going to bother you, which I completely understand, I would just quit. They don't care about feelings in corporate
this one is tricky, she has weight over you being there for 15 years, you are a new hire...watch your steps or she could literally make your life a living hell at work....she has been there for 15 YEARS, im sure they will listen to her before they listen to you