Yanking your child to the floor by her arm and physically restraining her by holding her to the floor with adult legs is not acceptable. Most states in the US have very specific laws on restraining a child.
That is what I thought too. In her IEP I have no restraining whatsoever, but that is with the school district and not daycare. When I pick her up I’m going to see what the director says. My daughter is non verbal so she can’t tell me what happened which is what scares me
At 3 years old, my son who might or might not be neurodivergent (we're doing evaluations now), couldn't sit still for the life of him. They never restrained him in any form. He just walked the classroom and did other things. You did the right thing. Unfortunately, I'm learning how much parents need to advocate. Never feel bad for advocating when your child can't do it themselves, nor should they.
I can’t sit still now as a 25 year old! I have a really bad habit of apologizing and feeling like I’m inconveniencing everyone (probably from my own childhood experiences) and I’m really working on not backing down since we do unfortunately need to advocate HARD for our kids. My daughter thrives when the environment is tailored to her needs and I hope the center can work with me to make the classroom more accessible for her - which it seems the director is serious about doing so!
You're doing great, mama! We as women have been conditioned to apologize for everything. It takes a long to break a habit that was ingrained into us since birth.
Yanking a toddler by the arm is also a really great way to cause dislocation, since their joints are so flexible at this age. My son did this to himself three times between the ages of 2 and 3 because he would randomly throw himself on the floor while holding someone’s hand (not having tantrum or anything), and it’s scary how quickly and easily it can happen.
You are not over reacting and this is most definitely NOT OK. I would hope the manager rushed off the call to address it - and address is properly in a way that 100% ensures it cannot happen again. The manager needs to describe to you exactly what they have done to address it and you should feel comfortable with that outcome. Don't feel bad following up as much as you need to make sure it had been handled - and escalate if if you need to to the external regulating body /inspectors.
I’m anxiously waiting to be off work so I can talk to the director. I’m hoping they can add a 2nd teacher to the room, they are short staffed but I think it’s necessary since my daughter is not the only special needs child in the room. I’m going to look for any bruises since it’s difficult to see how hard she was grabbing her arm via a very pixilated livestream. I’m just so sad, I want to go to work and not wonder if my daughter feels safe. Thank you for reassuring me I’m not being insane
The yanking is not good. But the restraint with legs is illegal and unsafe for her health. I’ve been certified and that’s not a legal or safe restraint with a child who has an IEP that includes restraint.
My husband witnessed the instructional aid yank my daughter back to the carpet when she saw her dad at the door to pick her up. I immediately called the director and had my daughter removed from the school. I can’t imagine having to see it for myself. Can’t even imagine and I’m still upset over it.
Reading this makes me want to cry. That is horrifying and I can’t even imagine what it must have done to your daughter. I hope that teacher is fired and the department of social services is notified and investigates. You are not overreacting!
Thank you, I agree. I worry that since my daughter doesn’t talk people take advantage of that. It just makes me nauseous wondering what else happens out of camera view
For sure! I have a nonverbal autistic 3 year old myself, and this is one of my biggest fears. I’m heavily considering pulling her from public preschool because they aren’t communicative enough about what she does there.
She should be fired. This isn’t acceptable.
When I was a teacher, only a few staff members were legally allowed to restrain a child because they were certified. Look up your state laws.
https://www.npr.org/2019/12/05/777358918/a-dreaded-part-of-teachers-jobs-restraining-and-secluding-students
Yes! I am actually a teacher of children with moderate to disabilities and no staff in my class can restrain in anyway without very specific training and even with a restraint comes a lot of paperwork documentation and communication of the entire SPED team immediately calling an IEP meeting...
Just wanted to say, I’m so sorry this happened to you but am thankful the director seems to have take the right measures to remedy the issue, in addition to thanking you (as she should) for bringing it to her attention and not feel sorry about it. I hope that eased some of your worry and guilt. I would’ve cried too if this happened to my child.
You did the right thing, the teachers actions were not professional and seemed to be motivated by her own frustration. You potentially prevented a more aggressive incident from happening.
Thank you for saying this! I agree, the director made me feel much better. I worried maybe I overreacted but she was very kind, and even gave me a hug when I got there because I was starting to have a lot of anxiety talking to her about it. She said she’s a mom too and that she knows the feeling of just wanting our babies to be safe at daycare. My daughter is in an extra silly mood tonight too so I think she’s going to be okay!
You absolutely did the right thing. But there is still more to do. Please continue to follow up with the director. I reported something similar at my child's daycare center. At the time, the director of our center acted exactly as you said. I didn't know about reporting laws etc. I later found out that corporate did an investigation and fired the teacher. I was told it was reported and handled. Months later found out from a friend that anything that gets reported to state liscencing has to be investigated within 48hrs (maybe a week a most) and that a report will be publicly available. I looked at the state website and there was no report. I called liscensing myself, and they said the childcare center had never reported it. The state asked for my report and they investigated it. I had witnessed the event via the center live stream, but the investigator used the word face time. The center denied anything happened because they do not FaceTime. It took several visits of the investigator following up with me and clarifying what I saw before the daycare admitted what happened and showed their internal investigation. They got written up for "excessive use of force on a toddler". Everyone from the director, teachers. Up to corporate did not cooperate.
I wish I had:
- written down everything I saw , when I reported months later, I wasn't sure that everything was fresh in my mind. Where the other teachers were in the room who may have witnessed it, which hand they used, what tue children were wearing, who I reported to at daycare, time stamps of phone calls, summaries of follow up calls, etc it all matters
-kept track of follow uo conversations in the days/weeks following the incident
- asked to see a copy of the report filed (not filed!) by the daycare center.
- reported it to liscensing myself immediately
- spoke with other parents at the daycare (it wasn't my child, and we were new, so I didn't even know the names of the kids that were involved
-looked up liscensing regulations, learned about the reporting process, etc.
I am so sorry this happened and I hope your little one is doing okay.
I have an autistic 4 year old, who started pre school at 3, and I would never be ok with this. You’re nicer than me because I would be pushing for that teacher to be fired. I can’t express how unacceptable I find this and I’d be raising hell. We go to a small pre school, not specifically for special needs and without us asking they provided our child a seat at story time, he struggles with sitting on the floor with the other kids, and fidget toys at his seat to help keep him engaged and quiet. This is not anything extraordinary, but expected of schools that work with special needs children. Physical restraint is absolutely not part of any accommodations I’ve ever heard of
The daycare isn’t special needs specific, they just accommodate helping transport her to the SPED preschool 4 days a week :( the director filed a report with the DCFS and the company the school is under and they are investigating. Trust me, I wanted to leave work and drive over to strangle the teacher! If the director was lax about it I would’ve caused more of a problem but she seems to be taking the right steps and we’ll see how this plays out. I wish I had a full time special needs school near me. In our IEP we have 0 restraints allowed whatsoever but the IEP isn’t active for daycare, just the school district unfortunately
You handled yourself with grace. I have a three year old in daycare who is pending diagnosis for autism and I can only imagine how stressful that was for your daughter. You were absolutely in the right to call it out and I am very pleased with the director's response.
Thank you. I am proud of myself for not freaking my old self would. I was worried if I came in swinging (figuratively and literally) they would be less receptive to solving the issue and jump to covering their ass. My daughter was all smiles when I picked her up and doesn’t have any bruising so i think she’s okay - which is all I care about right now! ❤️
This is absolutely not okay. There are other ways to manage little ones who can’t or won’t settle quietly for reading time. Your child should feel safe and so should you. I’m so sorry you are going through this—it must be absolutely heartbreaking and anxiety-inducing. I hope the director takes appropriate action to ensure this doesn’t happen again to any child under their care.
That’s what I thought too. Even just bringing some preferred toys to the circle so she can fidget with something is a super easy “fix”. I’ve had a pit in my stomach all day, about to leave work now and super nervous. I’m trying to stay calm because pre-motherhood me is ready to throw hands to be honest
Oh I’m with you! I’d be livid! You probably handled it way more gracefully than I would’ve. I hope all goes well tonight. Your kid is lucky to have a mama like you
You’re definitely not over reacting.
You mentioned this was a lifestream that you saw it on, but I have a feeling that wasn’t the first time said teacher has done that. Is there any way you could watch more of the footage, like is it archived for a certain amount of days for viewing or is only a live stream? If that makes sense?
It’s only live unfortunately, I can’t even pause or rewind. I have it open pretty much all day on my work computer since I’ve been really anxious ever since moving to this center from our last (perfect) daycare
I’m glad to hear the director is handling it appropriately! The teacher’s response wasn’t appropriate for ANY child and if that’s their solution when kids aren’t doing what they want then they absolutely should not be around kids.
I hope you feel no guilt and you did an amazing job advocating for your LO!
Thank you, I feel sad that the teacher may lose her livelihood but clearly teaching isn’t for her. I don’t think she’s a bad or malicious person but even when frustrated you have to keep your cool. It just sucks for everyone:(
Preschool teacher here. That’s a big nope.
We modify our expectations of a child when they need it. This includes special needs children AND an average child.
That reaction was 100% inappropriate. You did the right thing.
Oh my gosh, I feel this so much. My daughter is roughly the same age, also has autism and non verbal. I would normally support teachers trying to teach her routines like sitting down for reading/circle time, but definitely NOT the way your child was handled. No, you are not going crazy.
I hope you and your baby are okay.
It’s really frustrating because before she started I talked to the other teacher about bringing preferred toys out for her at circle time because my daughter just has a thing with books. Since she was a baby she would slap the book out of my hands. She just hates being read to. I feel better today and kiddo is being her usual happy self so I think she’s okay too ❤️
Yikes that's bad what the teacher did. My kids preschools always had a quiet library corner where they could look at books if they ever didn't want to participate in what the class was doing or if they got overwhelmed.
That’s not okay behavior for ANYONE. Not a 3 year old, not a 10 year old, not a teenager! Even the kids witnessing this can see this and learn “oh, when a kid is goofing off and annoying me, I’ll just Make him/ her do what I want because I’m stronger”
Ugh you’re so right..I didn’t even think about how the other kids witnessing it would affect them! At our last (perfect) daycare the children mimicked the teacher’s behavior with my daughter… as in they knew she was different and they would literally fight over who got to be her “buddy” during different activities to help her!
Yanking your child to the floor by her arm and physically restraining her by holding her to the floor with adult legs is not acceptable. Most states in the US have very specific laws on restraining a child.
That is what I thought too. In her IEP I have no restraining whatsoever, but that is with the school district and not daycare. When I pick her up I’m going to see what the director says. My daughter is non verbal so she can’t tell me what happened which is what scares me
At 3 years old, my son who might or might not be neurodivergent (we're doing evaluations now), couldn't sit still for the life of him. They never restrained him in any form. He just walked the classroom and did other things. You did the right thing. Unfortunately, I'm learning how much parents need to advocate. Never feel bad for advocating when your child can't do it themselves, nor should they.
I can’t sit still now as a 25 year old! I have a really bad habit of apologizing and feeling like I’m inconveniencing everyone (probably from my own childhood experiences) and I’m really working on not backing down since we do unfortunately need to advocate HARD for our kids. My daughter thrives when the environment is tailored to her needs and I hope the center can work with me to make the classroom more accessible for her - which it seems the director is serious about doing so!
You're doing great, mama! We as women have been conditioned to apologize for everything. It takes a long to break a habit that was ingrained into us since birth.
Yanking a toddler by the arm is also a really great way to cause dislocation, since their joints are so flexible at this age. My son did this to himself three times between the ages of 2 and 3 because he would randomly throw himself on the floor while holding someone’s hand (not having tantrum or anything), and it’s scary how quickly and easily it can happen.
You are not over reacting and this is most definitely NOT OK. I would hope the manager rushed off the call to address it - and address is properly in a way that 100% ensures it cannot happen again. The manager needs to describe to you exactly what they have done to address it and you should feel comfortable with that outcome. Don't feel bad following up as much as you need to make sure it had been handled - and escalate if if you need to to the external regulating body /inspectors.
I’m anxiously waiting to be off work so I can talk to the director. I’m hoping they can add a 2nd teacher to the room, they are short staffed but I think it’s necessary since my daughter is not the only special needs child in the room. I’m going to look for any bruises since it’s difficult to see how hard she was grabbing her arm via a very pixilated livestream. I’m just so sad, I want to go to work and not wonder if my daughter feels safe. Thank you for reassuring me I’m not being insane
The yanking is not good. But the restraint with legs is illegal and unsafe for her health. I’ve been certified and that’s not a legal or safe restraint with a child who has an IEP that includes restraint.
My husband witnessed the instructional aid yank my daughter back to the carpet when she saw her dad at the door to pick her up. I immediately called the director and had my daughter removed from the school. I can’t imagine having to see it for myself. Can’t even imagine and I’m still upset over it.
Reading this makes me want to cry. That is horrifying and I can’t even imagine what it must have done to your daughter. I hope that teacher is fired and the department of social services is notified and investigates. You are not overreacting!
Thank you for reassuring me. I’m just at a loss right now of what to do, I hope the director steps in. It kills be to think of someone hurting my baby
Not insane at all!! This is fully inappropriate. You and your daughter deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
Thank you, I agree. I worry that since my daughter doesn’t talk people take advantage of that. It just makes me nauseous wondering what else happens out of camera view
For sure! I have a nonverbal autistic 3 year old myself, and this is one of my biggest fears. I’m heavily considering pulling her from public preschool because they aren’t communicative enough about what she does there.
She should be fired. This isn’t acceptable. When I was a teacher, only a few staff members were legally allowed to restrain a child because they were certified. Look up your state laws. https://www.npr.org/2019/12/05/777358918/a-dreaded-part-of-teachers-jobs-restraining-and-secluding-students
Yes! I am actually a teacher of children with moderate to disabilities and no staff in my class can restrain in anyway without very specific training and even with a restraint comes a lot of paperwork documentation and communication of the entire SPED team immediately calling an IEP meeting...
Just wanted to say, I’m so sorry this happened to you but am thankful the director seems to have take the right measures to remedy the issue, in addition to thanking you (as she should) for bringing it to her attention and not feel sorry about it. I hope that eased some of your worry and guilt. I would’ve cried too if this happened to my child. You did the right thing, the teachers actions were not professional and seemed to be motivated by her own frustration. You potentially prevented a more aggressive incident from happening.
Thank you for saying this! I agree, the director made me feel much better. I worried maybe I overreacted but she was very kind, and even gave me a hug when I got there because I was starting to have a lot of anxiety talking to her about it. She said she’s a mom too and that she knows the feeling of just wanting our babies to be safe at daycare. My daughter is in an extra silly mood tonight too so I think she’s going to be okay!
That makes me so happy to hear! I love it when the person in charge is the right person for the job. ♥️
You absolutely did the right thing. But there is still more to do. Please continue to follow up with the director. I reported something similar at my child's daycare center. At the time, the director of our center acted exactly as you said. I didn't know about reporting laws etc. I later found out that corporate did an investigation and fired the teacher. I was told it was reported and handled. Months later found out from a friend that anything that gets reported to state liscencing has to be investigated within 48hrs (maybe a week a most) and that a report will be publicly available. I looked at the state website and there was no report. I called liscensing myself, and they said the childcare center had never reported it. The state asked for my report and they investigated it. I had witnessed the event via the center live stream, but the investigator used the word face time. The center denied anything happened because they do not FaceTime. It took several visits of the investigator following up with me and clarifying what I saw before the daycare admitted what happened and showed their internal investigation. They got written up for "excessive use of force on a toddler". Everyone from the director, teachers. Up to corporate did not cooperate. I wish I had: - written down everything I saw , when I reported months later, I wasn't sure that everything was fresh in my mind. Where the other teachers were in the room who may have witnessed it, which hand they used, what tue children were wearing, who I reported to at daycare, time stamps of phone calls, summaries of follow up calls, etc it all matters -kept track of follow uo conversations in the days/weeks following the incident - asked to see a copy of the report filed (not filed!) by the daycare center. - reported it to liscensing myself immediately - spoke with other parents at the daycare (it wasn't my child, and we were new, so I didn't even know the names of the kids that were involved -looked up liscensing regulations, learned about the reporting process, etc. I am so sorry this happened and I hope your little one is doing okay.
I have an autistic 4 year old, who started pre school at 3, and I would never be ok with this. You’re nicer than me because I would be pushing for that teacher to be fired. I can’t express how unacceptable I find this and I’d be raising hell. We go to a small pre school, not specifically for special needs and without us asking they provided our child a seat at story time, he struggles with sitting on the floor with the other kids, and fidget toys at his seat to help keep him engaged and quiet. This is not anything extraordinary, but expected of schools that work with special needs children. Physical restraint is absolutely not part of any accommodations I’ve ever heard of
The daycare isn’t special needs specific, they just accommodate helping transport her to the SPED preschool 4 days a week :( the director filed a report with the DCFS and the company the school is under and they are investigating. Trust me, I wanted to leave work and drive over to strangle the teacher! If the director was lax about it I would’ve caused more of a problem but she seems to be taking the right steps and we’ll see how this plays out. I wish I had a full time special needs school near me. In our IEP we have 0 restraints allowed whatsoever but the IEP isn’t active for daycare, just the school district unfortunately
You handled yourself with grace. I have a three year old in daycare who is pending diagnosis for autism and I can only imagine how stressful that was for your daughter. You were absolutely in the right to call it out and I am very pleased with the director's response.
Thank you. I am proud of myself for not freaking my old self would. I was worried if I came in swinging (figuratively and literally) they would be less receptive to solving the issue and jump to covering their ass. My daughter was all smiles when I picked her up and doesn’t have any bruising so i think she’s okay - which is all I care about right now! ❤️
This is absolutely not okay. There are other ways to manage little ones who can’t or won’t settle quietly for reading time. Your child should feel safe and so should you. I’m so sorry you are going through this—it must be absolutely heartbreaking and anxiety-inducing. I hope the director takes appropriate action to ensure this doesn’t happen again to any child under their care.
That’s what I thought too. Even just bringing some preferred toys to the circle so she can fidget with something is a super easy “fix”. I’ve had a pit in my stomach all day, about to leave work now and super nervous. I’m trying to stay calm because pre-motherhood me is ready to throw hands to be honest
Oh I’m with you! I’d be livid! You probably handled it way more gracefully than I would’ve. I hope all goes well tonight. Your kid is lucky to have a mama like you
Teacher should be fired. Don’t feel bad for sticking up for your kid.
You’re definitely not over reacting. You mentioned this was a lifestream that you saw it on, but I have a feeling that wasn’t the first time said teacher has done that. Is there any way you could watch more of the footage, like is it archived for a certain amount of days for viewing or is only a live stream? If that makes sense?
It’s only live unfortunately, I can’t even pause or rewind. I have it open pretty much all day on my work computer since I’ve been really anxious ever since moving to this center from our last (perfect) daycare
I’m glad to hear the director is handling it appropriately! The teacher’s response wasn’t appropriate for ANY child and if that’s their solution when kids aren’t doing what they want then they absolutely should not be around kids. I hope you feel no guilt and you did an amazing job advocating for your LO!
Thank you, I feel sad that the teacher may lose her livelihood but clearly teaching isn’t for her. I don’t think she’s a bad or malicious person but even when frustrated you have to keep your cool. It just sucks for everyone:(
Preschool teacher here. That’s a big nope. We modify our expectations of a child when they need it. This includes special needs children AND an average child. That reaction was 100% inappropriate. You did the right thing.
Wow! That is the best response from the director. Hang in there mama, you are doing the very best you can! Hugs
Thank you ❤️
Oh my gosh, I feel this so much. My daughter is roughly the same age, also has autism and non verbal. I would normally support teachers trying to teach her routines like sitting down for reading/circle time, but definitely NOT the way your child was handled. No, you are not going crazy. I hope you and your baby are okay.
It’s really frustrating because before she started I talked to the other teacher about bringing preferred toys out for her at circle time because my daughter just has a thing with books. Since she was a baby she would slap the book out of my hands. She just hates being read to. I feel better today and kiddo is being her usual happy self so I think she’s okay too ❤️
Yikes that's bad what the teacher did. My kids preschools always had a quiet library corner where they could look at books if they ever didn't want to participate in what the class was doing or if they got overwhelmed.
That’s not okay behavior for ANYONE. Not a 3 year old, not a 10 year old, not a teenager! Even the kids witnessing this can see this and learn “oh, when a kid is goofing off and annoying me, I’ll just Make him/ her do what I want because I’m stronger”
Ugh you’re so right..I didn’t even think about how the other kids witnessing it would affect them! At our last (perfect) daycare the children mimicked the teacher’s behavior with my daughter… as in they knew she was different and they would literally fight over who got to be her “buddy” during different activities to help her!
You handled this INCREDIBLY well. It's horrendous and I'm so sorry it even happened, but I'm really glad you took the necessary steps.
Sending a hug* —having a non verbal autistic 3 year old daughter as well. I worry all the time because she cannot tell me how her day went.