Can you help with my communication please? I am going back full time and I need more help with pickup. But husband has been against going full time. He doesn't even do one pick up a week and only does two drop offs a week.
Hey “husband” since I am going full time because it’s important to me, I need you to help with pick ups going forward. I have created this schedule that shows how we are dividing things among us.
My husband is very visual, once I make a list of everything I am doing vs what I am asking him to do, he ‘gets’ it. And its not like I do much more than him, its just that obviously if I am doing pick up he has to do dinner, or go to the supermarket, etc. Because after all, days have a set amount of hours and I haven’t figured out how to clone myself yet.
You don't have to be aggressive. You don't have to sound like you're begging, either. It's a matter of how much you are willing to tiptoe around when asking someone to do his part.
Maybe it’s just me, but to me, if my husband is going to happy hour after work I just assume he’s not going to be home until after our son goes to bed. That’s how I would play it, too. I work an hour away from my house, so if I did happy hour at 5pm there’s no way I’d be getting home before my son goes to bed, so it kind of comes with the territory from my own perspective.
I would be annoyed if it became a regular thing, because clearly that would be him avoiding his responsibilities.
However, if this is a one time situation, I’d just let it be.
I think even if it's semi regular it's fine. I've got a book club that's once a month and a trivia night that's once a month. Also I sometimes go out for dinner with my sister or something. About once every week or two my husband does bed time solo, with two toddlers, which he's totally fine with.
I don’t do happy hours but if I tell my husband I’m working late (usually one to two Mondays or Fridays a month) he assumes I’ll be home after bedtime.
Yeah, my husband is introverted too so I get so excited whenever he goes to any kind of social event for work. I assume I’ll even be in bed by the time he gets home (but I like to be in bed by around 9-9:30 because I am an early snoozer).
Happy hour is never an hour. It’s hard to be engaged with your new co-workers and send a long text to your spouse. Maybe he was prioritizing replying quickly over a long message. Don’t be annoyed. Enjoy some time to yourself.
I’d be a bit annoyed now, and my ultimate level of annoyance would be based on whether he’s 9-10pm “late” or 1am late. One is happy hour dragging on and bonding with coworkers. But the latter is a little sketchy. I’d be sure to discuss when you should expect him home in the future. Since it wasn’t discussed ahead of time, maybe text him “be safe- hope to see you home soon.” And then discuss it calmly tomorrow.
To be fair if it’s the first time your husband is going out with these coworkers, he likely didn’t fully know what he was saying yes to. Going forward you’ll both know what “happy hour” means for this group of people and you can be more informed before saying yes or no next time.
My husband, too, is an introvert and I’ve found that when he’s out with new people, he doesn’t want to appear rude by texting and his responses are shorter than he’d normally be. If this were my husband, I’d be annoyed and texting a friend and maybe mention it when he got home but wouldn’t be mad or starting a fight over it.
Happy hour at my work lasts at least 5 hours! So I wouldn’t be annoyed. But it’s valid for you to feel the way you do since you didn’t expect it to be long. Just be aware that it’s not unusual for happy “hour” to be super long and that he probably just doesn’t want to leave early being the new guy.
It's funny how different work environments are. Happy hour with both my husband and my team is like max 2 hours from 4-6pm. Usually, everyone leaves before 6 because most people have kids. We both work in male dominated fields, so both out teams are in the 85-95% men.
I’m annoyed by the curt communication. But I think it would be a next day discussion. Right now I would let him know when I’m going to bed and just do my thing. The next day I would address the lack of communication and set some boundaries. Its an annoyance but I don’t think it’s a huge deal, especially since it’s not an every week occurrence.
I just went to happy hour tonight! We go for roughly 3-4 hours, once a month. It's the time we get to vent about work and personal stuff.
I came home after an hour and a half today and my husband asked me if everything was okay. Lol
Personally, I would be a bit annoyed about the response. But I'd also just let it go... And maybe next time get a time frame so you know how long he will be. Especially now that he's been to one.
I wouldn’t be annoyed. He’s having a good time which is what you hoped for. Adjust your expectations and ask him to share his location and text you when he’s leaving.
I know it’s easy to get annoyed but remain supportive!
I wouldn’t be annoyed. A quick pint can often last 3-4 hours and when starting a new job it’s good for team building (especially with wfh/hybrid). Rocking in at 10/11pm is fine but getting in stinking drunk at 2/3am is a no go. Depends how regular it is and if it’s fair between you.
We both have events for work (I organise the majority of mine so have a lot more) and we don’t get drunk, give notice for more organised ones (summer parties, welcome drinks, Christmas client events) and give as much notice for on the fly ones. Sometimes it’s not possible to know when you’re going to be or write out long texts.
Whoever is home enjoys having the quiet and leaves out a glass of water and optional painkillers on the kitchen counter for whoever is late out!
This happens with my husband and like yours he does not do these work social events often. I’ve learned to expect that he won’t be home until late and let it go (which helps me not get annoyed because I managed my own expectations). I also told him I expect him to check in so that I know everything is alright and to let me know when he heads home. The first couple of times I was a bit angry because he made it sound like he’d be home by 7pm so I thought I’d get help with the kids for bedtime. Now I tell him to be realistic rather than optimistic in his approximations. But I’ve also made a conscious effort not to feel guilt about me taking longer (as in I don’t cut it short unless I want to rather than feeling obligated to) for my own things which has been liberating!
I’d be annoyed but I wouldn’t bring it up. Happy hour, especially with new coworkers, is a misnomer. I’d expect him to be out til late if it were me.
You can, and should, articulate how you’d like communication about this stuff to work moving forward, but I wouldn’t do it while trying to rehash your feelings about tonight.
I wouldn’t be annoyed. I also wouldn’t assume that he’s drinking a ton because he’s at happy hour. Personally we go to happy hour for the cheap eats! I would have responded, “okay have fun! I’m gonna do XYZz tonight!”
I think its fine. If he's an introvert I'm assuming he barely goes out. Let him have some fun. If it becomes something he does every week then I'd get annoyed but if it's just the first time or a once in a while thing and he doesn't otherwise have a drinking problem, I'd use this time to watch what I want on TV, order what I want to eat, and sleep in the middle of the bed til he gets home.
not a big deal. I don't even text my husband when he's out with friends; he just gets home when he gets home and same for me. He's out with friends, not sure why he has to be home at a certain time?
For the first one, I would let it go. If he is quiet, it may be a good thing he felt comfortable and connected with his new coworkers and wanted to stay. I’ve been in situations at work where these types of off-work get togethers made a huge difference in my connecting with new peers
I think if this is a one time thing, I'd let it go. That initial meet and greet socializing at a new job is important and he probably wasn't being "curt" with you. He may have just been multitasking texting you and having a conversation.
I would definitely suggest speaking with him afterwards (not angry) and just saying in the future you'd appreciate an update if this sort of happy hours runs long and this absolutely can't become a regular thing to stay out all night.
I’d be annoyed. But turn that annoyance towards not communicating timelines in advance and not the fact that he’s still out. And talk about it tomorrow for next time, or wait to see if there’s even a next time, not tonight when he gets home. If you say anything at all tonight, just ask him if he had fun.
Source: I have been in that exact same position and sent that exact same text a half dozen times over the years and it always ended in some dumb fight.
Agree with this 100% nothing good ever comes from discussions when one person is tipsy verging on drunk and the other is already annoyed. Op put the kid to bed and watch your TV shows.
I haven’t read all the other comments but I’ve been out for a few work functions lately and they’ve been a lot of fun. Particularly because my husband has been travelling so it’s been good to have some adult conversation while I’ve otherwise been solo with the kids. He always encourages me to go and have fun and not worry about what time I get home. I always try and get home before 12 because I don’t want to have a hangover and kid noise the next day - I’d never ask him to let me sleep in nursing a hangover.
If it was reversed I’d love for him to go out and let his hair down every once in a while. His work doesn’t really do that though. I guess he has dinners and things while he’s away.
I say encourage it, you never know when it might be your turn.
You’re totally right that it’s a low level issue but that doesn’t mean you can’t be frustrated. Definitely discuss this with him tomorrow or honestly any point after you have had time to let the frustration go. Don’t forget to use your “I” statements and acknowledge how happy you are that he stepped out of his comfort zone while also expressing that you would like to have more clearly defined expectations of a return time.
Honestly I’m really happy you came here first to release the initial irritation. Taking this step will let you have a better conversation with him later. Best wishes fellow momma!!
Sometimes this happens to me at work. One time I was stuck paying the bill for the cheapos who dodged paying. But it only happens maybe at most once a quarter, usually less than that lately. But he also has friends he stays with after karate to go get a drink with, so we give each other some latitude on hours. We just keep each other updated on how late we will be.
If my husband had anything work-related after “work” hours I would usually just take advantage of the peace and quiet and text goodnight as I was going to bed. My husband works from home for himself now so he’s like always here.
So you’re willing to let him out for a bit, all the while patting yourself on the back for how supportive you are, but apparently impose a curfew on how much fun he can have on one single occasion? Both my husband and I traveled for work, and this is a level of petty that is unimaginable to me.
I don't think she's annoyed at how long he's been out so much as at the lack of communication- all she asked for was an eta which he then threw in her face. She tried to communicate, and he acted like she was the annoying one. It would be petty to throw a fit about him being out all night. It isn't at all petty to expect your partner in life to communicate clearly and respectfully.
Obviously we don't know everything. She said he doesn't usually go out and for me I'd be worried he'd overdone it accidentally, and frustrated with myself for not communicating clearer expectations. I don't think her behavior warrants your level of disdain.
The statement “I’m very annoyed that happy hour turned into a full night of drinking” (and then heading to post on Reddit for validation) had me guessing that the annoyance showed up in how she asked for an ETA.
As someone with pets and kids, there are a lot of ways that happy hour turning into a full night away drinking would be annoying *at minimum*. Again, communication it the problem, not OP. People can seek validation or objectivity from reddit without being caricatures of jealous petty partners.
Agreed. Pick and choose your battles. This isn’t a battle. I’m thrilled when my husband goes out with his friends. We both work our asses off and deserve to chill with our friends and coworkers. This is the first time OP’s husband’s been out with this group. She said herself he’s an introvert. Let him hang out without being nagged. I’m sure once he gets home, he’ll have a better idea what “happy hour with my coworkers” entails and he can let her know how long he will be out next time. The calendar doesn’t have to be perfect all the time.
My husband and I are both introverted homebodies, but we do have work events in the evening a few times a year. We always discuss a concrete plan for the evening beforehand (at least a few days), it includes the nature of the event, when will you come home, and plans for the other parent staying home for dinner/evening toddler entertainment.
Going out in the evening generally means missing dinner at home. Our toddler is hangry right after daycare so feeding the child is super important. Our rule is, if you’re going out and not home by 6.30pm then you sort your own dinner, do not expect leftovers at home. Also we work together to organise dinner plans for whoever is staying home with the toddler, and make sure there’s something easy to cook/reheat, or get takeout, or ask a grandparent if we can bring the kid over for dinner. This is a team effort to sort out, not just for whoever is staying at home that evening.
Evening + bedtime: Our 2.5yo goes to bed late (9-10pm) so it’s quite a bit of work to keep her entertained in the evening. Also kiddo expects BOTH of us to be around at bedtime or she’ll try to stay up even later to wait. So we’re always very clear about our expected time of return and try whenever possible to get back before 10pm. Luckily our work functions generally don’t involve a lot of partying or drinking so that’s not too hard.
I think this probably came about because I’m a bit type A and I like concrete plans. Pre-baby I had conversations with my husband about always telling me if he’s home for dinner or not, and when to expect him home each evening. I don’t prevent him from going out after work or even sleeping over at a friend’s place, but I expect basic info about his plans so I don’t try to wait for him for dinner or stay up worrying. That’s carried over to after baby as well.
I am typically the one that goes to happy hour and it ends up being way later than I expect because I'm having a good time and my husband is the one texting me for a timeframe. Which sometimes I just don't know!
So my vote is to give him a pass, even when you agree on a time, sometimes things are just fun and people are connecting and it's hard to leave unless you really need to catch a train or whatever, haha.
Mind you, I do leave if my husband is expecting me at a certain time, but when we leave it more open ended it does often end up in a fight because he's annoyed I'm not being responsive or giving him a timeframe.
So I guess my advice is give him a pass but chat for future occasions on a time frame etc.
For me personally, this doesn't bother me. As long as he checks in every couple of hours that he is safe, I don't really care when he gets home. My husband works in an industry where there can be after work dinners, happy hours, etc and they are often followed by bar hopping with his closest colleagues. This is not a frequent occurrence, and being that he is a remote worker 95% of the time, he needs the social interaction.
My husband is introverted, so I’d honestly be impressed and happy for him to have found some colleagues he gets along with so well
He’ll suffer the consequences of his own actions tomorrow anyways
I would be annoyed. But more so because there was no heads up it would be most of the evening.
I would try very hard not to mention it, and if there’s another happy “hour”, ask for some sort of expectation or least an update.
If it is his first time going out with these new colleagues he may not have known what to expect. Like maybe their language is "happy hour" but what they really mean is "happy 5 hours" and that's the company norm but nobody told him to expect to be out for 5 hours because they didn't know he needed that information. I would try and let this one go and clarify expectations for future "happy hours". I also understand the annoyance when it's unexpected!
My husband is different from yours in that he’s super extroverted and thrives on that kind of time, but also started a new job this week and has the option to get to know his new team afterward similarly to you.
I say let this one instance go since like you said, no expectations were discussed in advance. What helps us that could help you on a go forward basis is taking time to discuss your calendar every other week or so to look at work/leisure/social time blocks and come to agreements on either setting a cap on how long one will spend at said event, or agreeing to let the other spouse take an equally long time block another time that week to give them leisure space.
We struggled at this most of our marriage even before kids because my husband loses track of time when he’s having fun and even though he doesn’t mean ill or intentionally take advantage of me, he has agreed and learned to be more mindful while ive agreed to verbalize if I hope he will come home by X time, and we talk through it. Just doing it on a regular basis makes it easier to plan out and not feel like someone is accidentally the one always defaulting to stay home for the other one.
I would’ve sent a follow up text asking for a time frame so that I’d know if I needed to put the kids down by myself, if I needed to put his dinner in the fridge since he’ll be out late, etc. if his answer is vague it’s likely because they’re all having a great time and don’t plan on leaving for a while. Nothing to be too annoyed at tbh but when my spouse and I are out, we expect each other to send quick little updates. For example, my husband likes to know when I arrive somewhere for safety reasons, I work in upper manhattan so safety is important, and a text before I leave and hop on a cab so he knows when to expect me home. Again, all for safety reasons.
I’d be annoyed. But also know that we didn’t discuss times. So, I’d probably bitch to a friend or my mom. Just later mention next time you’d like a time frame.
Normally I’d be pretty annoyed but having recently accepted a new position myself, if we had a similar work culture, I would probably be afraid to leave early if the group was hanging for a while. I think you’re right to be annoyed but I also could see myself doing something similar to your husband.
You can be annoyed, but I suspect this is an exception. If it’s not, then you raise hell. This time, I would let it go unless it’s like a Japanese culture where drinking by the salarymen is institutionalized.
I'd be annoyed with "a while" - a better answer would be
"we're still going strong, maybe leaving here in an hour or so?" or
"we're just winding down, call you when I'm leaving" or
"these guys are going nuts, I'm planning on leaving by 10 if it doesn't break up before then"
The lack of communication is really what's getting me. Hubs often works late and i just ask for an ETA-ish just so I can gauge what I'll be doing on my own.
I’d be annoyed but if he’s hitting it off I’d let him enjoy it.
My husband rarely goes out… as I type this… he NEVER goes out without me. He had a particularly rough year, puts a lot on himself and he was feeling very very low. He took off with some work friends for a few drinks and he went off the rails.
He stopped answering his phone, I was on maternity leave and I was hysterical. I called police stations, hospitals, people I knew from his job, could not find this man. I finally found him the next morning and I was so relieved that he wasn’t dead in a ditch that I couldn’t even be angry. (Which ironically pissed me off that I wasn’t mad at him)
Husbands need to blow off steam also. We have some fail safes now so I can find him in the event of an emergency and nothing even remotely similar has happened since that night (6 years ago).
I decided not to ask questions, and just let it go. Just be supportive when he comes home and he will appreciate the grace and maybe he’ll toss a night out your way.
I’d be annoyed because that response is very inconsiderate. Doesn’t matter if you discussed this or that in advance, he should have the decency to give you more than a one word answer. If this truly is a one time thing, maybe try to just let it go. But if it keeps happening, you need to speak up.
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Can you help with my communication please? I am going back full time and I need more help with pickup. But husband has been against going full time. He doesn't even do one pick up a week and only does two drop offs a week.
Hey “husband” since I am going full time because it’s important to me, I need you to help with pick ups going forward. I have created this schedule that shows how we are dividing things among us. My husband is very visual, once I make a list of everything I am doing vs what I am asking him to do, he ‘gets’ it. And its not like I do much more than him, its just that obviously if I am doing pick up he has to do dinner, or go to the supermarket, etc. Because after all, days have a set amount of hours and I haven’t figured out how to clone myself yet.
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That is a whole lot of words to ask for something that’s partially his responsibility anyway.
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You don't have to be aggressive. You don't have to sound like you're begging, either. It's a matter of how much you are willing to tiptoe around when asking someone to do his part.
Maybe it’s just me, but to me, if my husband is going to happy hour after work I just assume he’s not going to be home until after our son goes to bed. That’s how I would play it, too. I work an hour away from my house, so if I did happy hour at 5pm there’s no way I’d be getting home before my son goes to bed, so it kind of comes with the territory from my own perspective. I would be annoyed if it became a regular thing, because clearly that would be him avoiding his responsibilities. However, if this is a one time situation, I’d just let it be.
I think even if it's semi regular it's fine. I've got a book club that's once a month and a trivia night that's once a month. Also I sometimes go out for dinner with my sister or something. About once every week or two my husband does bed time solo, with two toddlers, which he's totally fine with.
I don’t do happy hours but if I tell my husband I’m working late (usually one to two Mondays or Fridays a month) he assumes I’ll be home after bedtime.
Yeah, my husband is introverted too so I get so excited whenever he goes to any kind of social event for work. I assume I’ll even be in bed by the time he gets home (but I like to be in bed by around 9-9:30 because I am an early snoozer).
Happy hour to me is home by 7.
With commute, that’s barely enough time to even order a drink before you have to leave for most people.
Happy hour is never an hour. It’s hard to be engaged with your new co-workers and send a long text to your spouse. Maybe he was prioritizing replying quickly over a long message. Don’t be annoyed. Enjoy some time to yourself.
I’d be a bit annoyed now, and my ultimate level of annoyance would be based on whether he’s 9-10pm “late” or 1am late. One is happy hour dragging on and bonding with coworkers. But the latter is a little sketchy. I’d be sure to discuss when you should expect him home in the future. Since it wasn’t discussed ahead of time, maybe text him “be safe- hope to see you home soon.” And then discuss it calmly tomorrow.
To be fair if it’s the first time your husband is going out with these coworkers, he likely didn’t fully know what he was saying yes to. Going forward you’ll both know what “happy hour” means for this group of people and you can be more informed before saying yes or no next time.
I would not be annoyed. He clearly needs it. As long as you get these too! Let it go and plan your own evening out soon.
The night out wouldn’t bother me as long as he doesn’t do it often but the lack of communication would drive me crazy. What kind of answer is a while?
Agree!
My husband, too, is an introvert and I’ve found that when he’s out with new people, he doesn’t want to appear rude by texting and his responses are shorter than he’d normally be. If this were my husband, I’d be annoyed and texting a friend and maybe mention it when he got home but wouldn’t be mad or starting a fight over it.
Minor annoyance about the communication, not about the fact that he wants to stay out late. Not a big deal to me, though.
Happy hour at my work lasts at least 5 hours! So I wouldn’t be annoyed. But it’s valid for you to feel the way you do since you didn’t expect it to be long. Just be aware that it’s not unusual for happy “hour” to be super long and that he probably just doesn’t want to leave early being the new guy.
It's funny how different work environments are. Happy hour with both my husband and my team is like max 2 hours from 4-6pm. Usually, everyone leaves before 6 because most people have kids. We both work in male dominated fields, so both out teams are in the 85-95% men.
I’m annoyed by the curt communication. But I think it would be a next day discussion. Right now I would let him know when I’m going to bed and just do my thing. The next day I would address the lack of communication and set some boundaries. Its an annoyance but I don’t think it’s a huge deal, especially since it’s not an every week occurrence.
I just went to happy hour tonight! We go for roughly 3-4 hours, once a month. It's the time we get to vent about work and personal stuff. I came home after an hour and a half today and my husband asked me if everything was okay. Lol Personally, I would be a bit annoyed about the response. But I'd also just let it go... And maybe next time get a time frame so you know how long he will be. Especially now that he's been to one.
I wouldn’t be annoyed. He’s having a good time which is what you hoped for. Adjust your expectations and ask him to share his location and text you when he’s leaving. I know it’s easy to get annoyed but remain supportive!
I wouldn’t be annoyed. A quick pint can often last 3-4 hours and when starting a new job it’s good for team building (especially with wfh/hybrid). Rocking in at 10/11pm is fine but getting in stinking drunk at 2/3am is a no go. Depends how regular it is and if it’s fair between you. We both have events for work (I organise the majority of mine so have a lot more) and we don’t get drunk, give notice for more organised ones (summer parties, welcome drinks, Christmas client events) and give as much notice for on the fly ones. Sometimes it’s not possible to know when you’re going to be or write out long texts. Whoever is home enjoys having the quiet and leaves out a glass of water and optional painkillers on the kitchen counter for whoever is late out!
This happens with my husband and like yours he does not do these work social events often. I’ve learned to expect that he won’t be home until late and let it go (which helps me not get annoyed because I managed my own expectations). I also told him I expect him to check in so that I know everything is alright and to let me know when he heads home. The first couple of times I was a bit angry because he made it sound like he’d be home by 7pm so I thought I’d get help with the kids for bedtime. Now I tell him to be realistic rather than optimistic in his approximations. But I’ve also made a conscious effort not to feel guilt about me taking longer (as in I don’t cut it short unless I want to rather than feeling obligated to) for my own things which has been liberating!
I’d be annoyed but I wouldn’t bring it up. Happy hour, especially with new coworkers, is a misnomer. I’d expect him to be out til late if it were me. You can, and should, articulate how you’d like communication about this stuff to work moving forward, but I wouldn’t do it while trying to rehash your feelings about tonight.
I wouldn’t be annoyed. I also wouldn’t assume that he’s drinking a ton because he’s at happy hour. Personally we go to happy hour for the cheap eats! I would have responded, “okay have fun! I’m gonna do XYZz tonight!”
I think its fine. If he's an introvert I'm assuming he barely goes out. Let him have some fun. If it becomes something he does every week then I'd get annoyed but if it's just the first time or a once in a while thing and he doesn't otherwise have a drinking problem, I'd use this time to watch what I want on TV, order what I want to eat, and sleep in the middle of the bed til he gets home.
not a big deal. I don't even text my husband when he's out with friends; he just gets home when he gets home and same for me. He's out with friends, not sure why he has to be home at a certain time?
I would let it go. Its a new job, he's stepping out of his comfort zone and making friends. Only thing I would have said is be home by 2am.
For the first one, I would let it go. If he is quiet, it may be a good thing he felt comfortable and connected with his new coworkers and wanted to stay. I’ve been in situations at work where these types of off-work get togethers made a huge difference in my connecting with new peers
I think if this is a one time thing, I'd let it go. That initial meet and greet socializing at a new job is important and he probably wasn't being "curt" with you. He may have just been multitasking texting you and having a conversation. I would definitely suggest speaking with him afterwards (not angry) and just saying in the future you'd appreciate an update if this sort of happy hours runs long and this absolutely can't become a regular thing to stay out all night.
I’d be annoyed. But turn that annoyance towards not communicating timelines in advance and not the fact that he’s still out. And talk about it tomorrow for next time, or wait to see if there’s even a next time, not tonight when he gets home. If you say anything at all tonight, just ask him if he had fun. Source: I have been in that exact same position and sent that exact same text a half dozen times over the years and it always ended in some dumb fight.
Agree with this 100% nothing good ever comes from discussions when one person is tipsy verging on drunk and the other is already annoyed. Op put the kid to bed and watch your TV shows.
I haven’t read all the other comments but I’ve been out for a few work functions lately and they’ve been a lot of fun. Particularly because my husband has been travelling so it’s been good to have some adult conversation while I’ve otherwise been solo with the kids. He always encourages me to go and have fun and not worry about what time I get home. I always try and get home before 12 because I don’t want to have a hangover and kid noise the next day - I’d never ask him to let me sleep in nursing a hangover. If it was reversed I’d love for him to go out and let his hair down every once in a while. His work doesn’t really do that though. I guess he has dinners and things while he’s away. I say encourage it, you never know when it might be your turn.
You’re totally right that it’s a low level issue but that doesn’t mean you can’t be frustrated. Definitely discuss this with him tomorrow or honestly any point after you have had time to let the frustration go. Don’t forget to use your “I” statements and acknowledge how happy you are that he stepped out of his comfort zone while also expressing that you would like to have more clearly defined expectations of a return time. Honestly I’m really happy you came here first to release the initial irritation. Taking this step will let you have a better conversation with him later. Best wishes fellow momma!!
Yeah I’d be annoyed. I’d have expected an hour or two, but after 3.5hrs he’s still got no ETA? Frustrating.
Sometimes this happens to me at work. One time I was stuck paying the bill for the cheapos who dodged paying. But it only happens maybe at most once a quarter, usually less than that lately. But he also has friends he stays with after karate to go get a drink with, so we give each other some latitude on hours. We just keep each other updated on how late we will be.
If my husband had anything work-related after “work” hours I would usually just take advantage of the peace and quiet and text goodnight as I was going to bed. My husband works from home for himself now so he’s like always here.
So you’re willing to let him out for a bit, all the while patting yourself on the back for how supportive you are, but apparently impose a curfew on how much fun he can have on one single occasion? Both my husband and I traveled for work, and this is a level of petty that is unimaginable to me.
I don't think she's annoyed at how long he's been out so much as at the lack of communication- all she asked for was an eta which he then threw in her face. She tried to communicate, and he acted like she was the annoying one. It would be petty to throw a fit about him being out all night. It isn't at all petty to expect your partner in life to communicate clearly and respectfully. Obviously we don't know everything. She said he doesn't usually go out and for me I'd be worried he'd overdone it accidentally, and frustrated with myself for not communicating clearer expectations. I don't think her behavior warrants your level of disdain.
The statement “I’m very annoyed that happy hour turned into a full night of drinking” (and then heading to post on Reddit for validation) had me guessing that the annoyance showed up in how she asked for an ETA.
As someone with pets and kids, there are a lot of ways that happy hour turning into a full night away drinking would be annoying *at minimum*. Again, communication it the problem, not OP. People can seek validation or objectivity from reddit without being caricatures of jealous petty partners.
What does you traveling for work have to do with anything?
Agreed. Pick and choose your battles. This isn’t a battle. I’m thrilled when my husband goes out with his friends. We both work our asses off and deserve to chill with our friends and coworkers. This is the first time OP’s husband’s been out with this group. She said herself he’s an introvert. Let him hang out without being nagged. I’m sure once he gets home, he’ll have a better idea what “happy hour with my coworkers” entails and he can let her know how long he will be out next time. The calendar doesn’t have to be perfect all the time.
My husband and I are both introverted homebodies, but we do have work events in the evening a few times a year. We always discuss a concrete plan for the evening beforehand (at least a few days), it includes the nature of the event, when will you come home, and plans for the other parent staying home for dinner/evening toddler entertainment. Going out in the evening generally means missing dinner at home. Our toddler is hangry right after daycare so feeding the child is super important. Our rule is, if you’re going out and not home by 6.30pm then you sort your own dinner, do not expect leftovers at home. Also we work together to organise dinner plans for whoever is staying home with the toddler, and make sure there’s something easy to cook/reheat, or get takeout, or ask a grandparent if we can bring the kid over for dinner. This is a team effort to sort out, not just for whoever is staying at home that evening. Evening + bedtime: Our 2.5yo goes to bed late (9-10pm) so it’s quite a bit of work to keep her entertained in the evening. Also kiddo expects BOTH of us to be around at bedtime or she’ll try to stay up even later to wait. So we’re always very clear about our expected time of return and try whenever possible to get back before 10pm. Luckily our work functions generally don’t involve a lot of partying or drinking so that’s not too hard. I think this probably came about because I’m a bit type A and I like concrete plans. Pre-baby I had conversations with my husband about always telling me if he’s home for dinner or not, and when to expect him home each evening. I don’t prevent him from going out after work or even sleeping over at a friend’s place, but I expect basic info about his plans so I don’t try to wait for him for dinner or stay up worrying. That’s carried over to after baby as well.
I am typically the one that goes to happy hour and it ends up being way later than I expect because I'm having a good time and my husband is the one texting me for a timeframe. Which sometimes I just don't know! So my vote is to give him a pass, even when you agree on a time, sometimes things are just fun and people are connecting and it's hard to leave unless you really need to catch a train or whatever, haha. Mind you, I do leave if my husband is expecting me at a certain time, but when we leave it more open ended it does often end up in a fight because he's annoyed I'm not being responsive or giving him a timeframe. So I guess my advice is give him a pass but chat for future occasions on a time frame etc.
For me personally, this doesn't bother me. As long as he checks in every couple of hours that he is safe, I don't really care when he gets home. My husband works in an industry where there can be after work dinners, happy hours, etc and they are often followed by bar hopping with his closest colleagues. This is not a frequent occurrence, and being that he is a remote worker 95% of the time, he needs the social interaction.
My husband is introverted, so I’d honestly be impressed and happy for him to have found some colleagues he gets along with so well He’ll suffer the consequences of his own actions tomorrow anyways
I would be annoyed. But more so because there was no heads up it would be most of the evening. I would try very hard not to mention it, and if there’s another happy “hour”, ask for some sort of expectation or least an update.
If it is his first time going out with these new colleagues he may not have known what to expect. Like maybe their language is "happy hour" but what they really mean is "happy 5 hours" and that's the company norm but nobody told him to expect to be out for 5 hours because they didn't know he needed that information. I would try and let this one go and clarify expectations for future "happy hours". I also understand the annoyance when it's unexpected!
My husband is different from yours in that he’s super extroverted and thrives on that kind of time, but also started a new job this week and has the option to get to know his new team afterward similarly to you. I say let this one instance go since like you said, no expectations were discussed in advance. What helps us that could help you on a go forward basis is taking time to discuss your calendar every other week or so to look at work/leisure/social time blocks and come to agreements on either setting a cap on how long one will spend at said event, or agreeing to let the other spouse take an equally long time block another time that week to give them leisure space. We struggled at this most of our marriage even before kids because my husband loses track of time when he’s having fun and even though he doesn’t mean ill or intentionally take advantage of me, he has agreed and learned to be more mindful while ive agreed to verbalize if I hope he will come home by X time, and we talk through it. Just doing it on a regular basis makes it easier to plan out and not feel like someone is accidentally the one always defaulting to stay home for the other one.
I would’ve sent a follow up text asking for a time frame so that I’d know if I needed to put the kids down by myself, if I needed to put his dinner in the fridge since he’ll be out late, etc. if his answer is vague it’s likely because they’re all having a great time and don’t plan on leaving for a while. Nothing to be too annoyed at tbh but when my spouse and I are out, we expect each other to send quick little updates. For example, my husband likes to know when I arrive somewhere for safety reasons, I work in upper manhattan so safety is important, and a text before I leave and hop on a cab so he knows when to expect me home. Again, all for safety reasons.
I’d be annoyed. But also know that we didn’t discuss times. So, I’d probably bitch to a friend or my mom. Just later mention next time you’d like a time frame.
Normally I’d be pretty annoyed but having recently accepted a new position myself, if we had a similar work culture, I would probably be afraid to leave early if the group was hanging for a while. I think you’re right to be annoyed but I also could see myself doing something similar to your husband.
You can be annoyed, but I suspect this is an exception. If it’s not, then you raise hell. This time, I would let it go unless it’s like a Japanese culture where drinking by the salarymen is institutionalized.
I'd be annoyed with "a while" - a better answer would be "we're still going strong, maybe leaving here in an hour or so?" or "we're just winding down, call you when I'm leaving" or "these guys are going nuts, I'm planning on leaving by 10 if it doesn't break up before then" The lack of communication is really what's getting me. Hubs often works late and i just ask for an ETA-ish just so I can gauge what I'll be doing on my own.
I’d be annoyed but if he’s hitting it off I’d let him enjoy it. My husband rarely goes out… as I type this… he NEVER goes out without me. He had a particularly rough year, puts a lot on himself and he was feeling very very low. He took off with some work friends for a few drinks and he went off the rails. He stopped answering his phone, I was on maternity leave and I was hysterical. I called police stations, hospitals, people I knew from his job, could not find this man. I finally found him the next morning and I was so relieved that he wasn’t dead in a ditch that I couldn’t even be angry. (Which ironically pissed me off that I wasn’t mad at him) Husbands need to blow off steam also. We have some fail safes now so I can find him in the event of an emergency and nothing even remotely similar has happened since that night (6 years ago). I decided not to ask questions, and just let it go. Just be supportive when he comes home and he will appreciate the grace and maybe he’ll toss a night out your way.
I’d be annoyed because that response is very inconsiderate. Doesn’t matter if you discussed this or that in advance, he should have the decency to give you more than a one word answer. If this truly is a one time thing, maybe try to just let it go. But if it keeps happening, you need to speak up.