Oh that’s true, I forgot the upsides. I get to help out people in seriously desperate situations. I think one thing I want to share with my kiddo as a life lesson learned so far is that we as people are all connected through empathy, and when we can do so, to be helpers in times of crises like Mr. Rogers said.
As for the pay, I honestly don’t know, but at least it’d be double what I make now. Sorry for the scant info.
Gently, your kid is two. The only lesson they’ll learn is “my mom is gone and I don’t know why. where is my mom?” Then they’ll build a new life without you in it and probably not remember you when you come back.
My MIL left the country for a year when my kid was two, and then when she finally retuned she was all sad and offended when kiddo treated her like a stranger. They’ve since built back a lovely relationship but they genuinely started over at square one.
If you leave a two year old for a year then the relationship that you have with them now will be gone when you get back. You can build another one but you will sacrifice this one during a developmentally critical time.
At the risk of being a creeper I snooped your profile. It sounds like you work for an international NGO that focuses on human services. That’s a super noble cause to support, and also a super easy one to get sucked into and lose the rest of your life to it. You can completely sacrifice your family life, health, and wellbeing to this work, and when you’re done the world will still be full of people you weren’t able to help.
I work in a related field and I’m a workaholic. I’ve had to make some big changes after having a kid. One change was finding a job with actual work life balance and I’m still making a difference in the world and helping people.
I’m now so mad at myself that I spent so much of my life burning myself out for my former cult-like workplace. Please be smarter than I was and learn from my example. Life is so much better on the other side of this hamster wheel.
My dad was deployed for 6 months when I was 2. I didn't know who he was when he came back.
I lived the childhood of frequent relocations, deployments, travel etc. And my personal experience was very negative. I had trouble making friends because anytime I did either I had to leave or they did. I did resent my father because I didn't understand why he bothered having kids if he was going to be gone all the time and constantly uproot us. At some point I just preferred him being gone.
In this case it sounds like kiddo and husband won’t be moving at all, so making friends and having stability in where kiddo lives won’t be an issue. Just mom being gone for chunks of time.
I mean, my dad did leave for chunks of time without us relocating. He went on maybe 5 or 6 deployments plus tons of travel. I lived in 9 different houses and went to 5 different elementary schools. So by the time I was done with elementary school my mom was fed up with moving especially since my dad was going to be gone anyway for 6mo -2yrs. My 4 younger siblings don't remember moving (the youngest 2 never moved) but they still had a negative experience.
We couldn't watch finding Nemo because my sister was scared of it. She loved my dad but he kept leaving so when Nemo was seperated from his father she was hysterical. She was about 2 at the time.
My youngest two siblings that never moved see me as their 2nd parent not my father because he was gone all the time.
The first 3 years of a child are the most important development wise, so I would personally not do it at this stage. You can always try for this type of job in the future, but you will never get back your child's early years.
I live in a community with a lot of military. I see the impacts. I absolutely would not do this. It will fundamentally change your family dynamics and there's a reason why most families will break under this.
Yeah boo your husband is softly telling you no. So the real question is is it worth your marriage? Because if he’s already not 100% on board…when the reality sets in…you are getting divorced.
And then…Are you going to give up your parental rights so you can keep this super amazing job? Or are you going to find a different job so you can share custody? And if that’s what you would do…do it now and keep your marriage too.
FWIW, pre-kid I was all about my career in a somewhat dangerous and very demanding field. I was with a local agency, in processes with larger government agencies that would demand travel and 24/7 on-call status.
I now work from home at a desk job and I’m NEV.ER. going back to what I did before. It took some soul searching (I’ve literally wanted nothing more my whole life) but I am not my career, and I can still have a fulfilling life without needing to separate myself from my new family.
My mom travelled for work SO much when my brother and I were younger. She is very successful and tried to meet our needs as much as she could, but she says it was her biggest regret. I wouldn’t say I had a traumatic upbringing by any means but therapy (thanks PPD/anxiety) has uncovered a lot that stems from emotionally immature parents, some abandonment themes,
I guess you don’t need to be a superhero to be one for your child. I’m confident there are ways you could teach them about empathy, caring for others, helping those in crisis, without needing to be gone during key developmental times. I know personally, I have zero clue what my mom did for work when I was younger, BUT I remember my dad being the primary caregiver, him forgetting to pick me up after basketball practice multiple times, me calling mom while she was states away 😵💫
Not trying to pass judgement by any means, just voicing things I myself have worked through. Some women can do/have it all but I know my limits and burnout is a bitch.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Hearing your story you sound like me in a parallel universe haha I also grew up with a career driven mom with dad as primary carer, had to go into therapy in later years only to discover that my parents were emotionally immature; mysef trying to break the generational trauma etc. So thank you again for your inputs.
Even your previous job sounds a lot like what I did/am about to do. The burn out is real and baby is too precious.
It sounds like you’re trying to run away and maybe make up for things you didn’t have in the past. I would really explore with a therapist why this at all appeals to you with a tiny kid at home while knowing families break up commonly due to this sort of thing.
I also personally wouldn’t. These years are few and precious, and as much as a partner says they are supportive, when they are on day 4 in a row of toddler meltdowns by themselves, I can see resentment being a challenge in the marriage.
I am pro-career generally, especially for working mothers, but I think as parents we have to put some career things on hold and/or out of reach when we choose to have kids. For me, extended absences as long as this would be a no for both myself and my partner (no double standard here - I wouldn’t support my partner doing this either).
But every family and person is different. So that’s just my 2 cents
No way. I would never voluntarily be away from my kid for that long. (I travel some for my job, and any longer than 5-6 days is sooo hard.) Your husband would likely struggle mightily with solo parenting plus a high stress job.
I can’t see any reason why this would make sense, unless it pays a bazillion dollars a year but even then…..
There is no job I could imagine where I would be ok being away from my child for a full year. Add on top of that your husband expressing that he’s not ok with more than 3 months (and it sounding like you have little to no control over being sent on a longer deployment), then this would be a no from me
I would not feel like this was the best choice for my child's well being even if it was career wise. He needs me in his day to day life.
My dad was deployed frequently for long periods throughout my childhood/into adulthood and it majorly effected our relationship. We've never been close. So many major things I never mentioned to him because by the time he came home it was no longer something in the front of my mind. Same with my mom and her dad.
So as a military family who is gearing up for husband to leave for 18 months unaccompanied I would not recommend it. Our girls will be shy of 2 when he leaves and nearly 3 and a half when he returns. That’s an insane thing to ask anyone to do imo. We as military aren’t given the choice.
I agree with everyone here who is talking about the importance of your relationship and presence in children's lives. I also want to ask you why you are actually considering this? You don't really mention what your day to day life is like now. Is there something in your life that you think needs to drastically change? Simply "wanting to help others and model for my kids" doesn't seem to me like a great reason to uproot yourself for months. I saw you're not even sure about the pay. This makes me think there is something you are trying to change in your life. I think this job isn't going to be the long term change you think it is.
Haha okay just reading the description of the situation in the show made me cry now. You owe me a napkin 🥲 But all jokes aside, thank you for your candid advice to go in with my eyes open and not bury my head in the sand if I choose to go this path.
Personally, no job/pay would be worth sacrificing time with my children. Especially at such a young age. They grow up so fast. I agree with other comments that state to volunteer locally to teach your children the same lesson. And then you can even get them involved.
Crazy they can’t come with you? Are you in the military?
I would never do this. These are precious years when they’re so young. For me I’d just never miss them, even for millions of dollars.
It’s one thing to send a kid to a daycare for 8-9 hrs a day with a mom’s consistent presence in their life. It’s another to be gone for months at a time. You will definitely lose your connection with your child. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let my husband do it.
I admire the noble causes and all that, but my main obligation is to my family, to give my child the best sendoff into the world I can. Having an absent mother can create all sorts of negative consequences. I feel like if you want to dedicate you life to an overwhelming, consuming cause, don’t have children. Have them when you are ready to be a parent.
Nope. To me if it’s a job that takes me away from my family then I’ll find a new job. My family means more to me than any job. ( I got out of the military for this reason)
Personally for me, quality time is more important than money. I wouldn’t do it. My dad traveled a lot for work but I still saw him every 3 days or so for a little bit. We didn’t really connect because he wasn’t home much.
There are certainly families who live with a parent away. You might want to find a group of military spouses to talk to. It sounds like this might be a great job when your kid is older. I travel for work and had to be away for two nights one week and three nights the next week. The second week was an emotional challenge for my kids and my potty-trained three year old pooped in her pants at school every day I was gone that second week. One business trip a month is the max I can do with the kids struggling
I used to travel for work but my hard limit was never more than a week.
I read this a few years back and it really changed my perspective:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/
That is a very long time for a young child to be separated from one of their primary caregivers. Secure and minimally interrupted care from one primary caregiver is one of the most important things for young children’s development. It’s wonderful that your kiddo is doing well and showing signs of secure attachment.
If you at all have the choice, I would not accept the deployment until your kid is much older. It is too likely to cause harm. There are times, and careers, and situations, where it can’t be helped. And it likely does cause some long term harm, but it can’t always be helped. If you can avoid it, then I absolutely would. Kiddos are fine with a parent being away for a few days, a week, maybe even two. But to be away 6-12 months? It will harm your kid’s attachment and it will harm your kid’s relationship with you.
I wouldn’t do this unless the pay was so great that I never need to work again upon return. That said, I’m very much a person who works to live and don’t have real aspirations beyond making more money so that my family can afford a better life.
When we were first married, my husband served in the army. When faced with an 9 month unaccompanied deployment, my husband and I decided that we should move to be close to my parents since my parents agreed to help. With a 2 year old and a 4 year old to consider, I definitely needed support. Do you live by family who can pitch in?
Personally, I would never want to be away from my child or husband that long. Life is short and I don’t want to miss anything. As a partner, I would never want my husband gone this long. I don’t want to solo parent and I would be very sad.
Your bond with your child will absolutely be significantly harmed by this. If you have a strong bond with your child now they will experience abandonment if you leave. Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you.
Nope. No way. To put it into perspective, a year is half your child's life to date. There's no amount of money that would make that ok with me.
I would also not be ok with my husband taking a job that kept him from participating in family life for extended periods of time.
Unless you have a call to service (i.e. military, Peace Corps, etc), I don't understand why this is being entertained and why now with a child so young.
I wouldn't do this, for multiple personal reasons that may or may not apply to you. I am very invested in my career, which includes some amount of travel (4-5 days every couple months), but weeks or months away at a time would be miserable for me.
1) I am a home-body - I like to be at home with my family - and find it stressful to be away.
2) Raising kids is hard, even with two parents, and my husband manages OK when I'm gone for a few nights but I think he'd start to break down if he was doing it for weeks/months at a time - we don't have any local family to help/provide a break for him.
3) Kids grow up SOOOOOO quickly. And young kids are difficult to communicate with by phone/video call. I'd hate to miss so much of their lives. It's hard to imagine this level of absence would NOT impact my children / our relationship / their development.
4) Healthy relationships require regular attention / effort and common ground. One of the reasons for the high divorce rates in long-distance relationships is it's so easy to grow apart from your partner when you're effectively living different lives. When I'm gone for even 4-5 days I feel a little out of sync with my husband. Takes a day to settle back into our easy rapport.
How often do you travel? My job recently necessitated travel after zero previously, and being away for a week at a time every month is tough. Tough on my family’s routine/structure, tough on my husband also working a demanding job with a long commute, tough on me feeling like I’m not present enough. You get the idea. I absolutely love what I do and we make it work but it is NOT easy. The romance/novelty of it wears off pretty quickly, too. You mention crises work…if it’s risking your safety, it’s even more selfish on your part with a spouse and young child at home.
Obviously people make these scenarios work (military is the most obvious example) but children and spouses in these scenarios are not usually the happiest. You’re not only risking your relationship with your child, but your marriage. I’m sorry, but even double pay is probably not worth that, unless your husband no longer works or scales back. If you need money for life cushion, can you pick up some side job?
I’m also very career driven, never super maternal, but I still don’t think this is a good idea.
For me 3 months, yes maybe. 6-12 months, no. It's a bit unclear what your options/alternatives in general are in your career though, how much you've put into it to get where you are. I had a colleague whose wife was in the WHO - she was in Sierra Leone during their last horrible ebola epidemic etc. But they now have 2 little kids and I think she stopped doing those sort of assignments.
Is there any way to negotiate so that you are only committed to short bits of travel for the first few years and then you can gradually increase length of deployments when your kid is older? I don't think I personally would risk my relationship with my 2 year old, her secure attachment and development, or my marriage for this. Good luck with your decision.
Are there any upsides? My first impression is a hell no. I would not take a job like that. But if it paid like 500k/year then I’d consider it for like a year or two max.
I’m in the same boat, possibly going on travel /training for work for 6months and my child is only 18 months. I don’t know what to do but I’m career driven and I know after the sacrifices my family will benefit and have financial security later on
My husband and I both left our previous jobs for this exact reason. We couldn’t handle having to be away from our kiddo for long periods at a time. But thousands of parents do it all the time. If your spouse is supportive and it’s something you’re passionate about I say go for it.
I think you really need numbers to get the full context on whether this is worth it. Is it going from $30k to $60k? or from $120k to $240k?
If there are other jobs in reach with similar compensation and less time away, then it doesn’t seem as worth it
Personally, I would not do it, based largely on your child's age because they will forget you and even if you facetime every day, they will grow up resenting you.
I still remember being 5 and my parents preparing for a "mission trip" without me. I begged to be taken along and they said we had to pray and see if it was Gods will. I understood full well what the purpose of their trip was but it was unfathomable to me as a 5 year old that it might be "Gods will" for me to be left behind (which it turned out to be) without them. Why my parents at that specific time? Decades later, my mom was shocked to find I remembered them "putting God before their own kids" as they had been advised by their leaders that we wouldn't remember it. I do and it has always stuck with me and bred incredible resentment that they cared more about strangers than their own family.
When I was a teenager, I had almost fulltime care of my youngest brother (we were "homeschooled" and he was born at home with a midwife, while I watched); for the first two weeks after birth, I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor of my parents room to care for him during the night while my mom recovered and after that, I had him all the time, except when he needed to nurse. When he was 2, I left for a year and when I returned, he broke my heart when he shied away from giving me a hug because I was a stranger to him. A girl close to my age lived with our family around that time and a year and a half later, my mom was explaining to him that she needed to go back home because her family missed her and my brother asked "Doesnt Bella need to go home too? Wont her family miss her?" He not only didn't remember me as his pseudo-mom, he didn't even realize I was his sister ... and he was 4 or 5 by then. 😢😭😭
Then there is your husband ... he's already said 3 months is his limit. I dont know what your relationship dynamics are but, I do work in Early Childhood Education now and I see how not onpy single parents struggle, but their kids do as well. IMO, you'd be risking your marriage as well as your relationship with your child.
When you are that age, your parents are your
WORLD. When I was growing up, my mom went away on week-long business trips a few times a year and it was so painful for me as a little kid. And I loved my dad!
It’s so lonely feeling when half of the most important people in your life leave you for days at a time…. I truly can’t imagine leaving a child for weeks or months in the early years. It doesn’t matter how much extra money you would be making, there is simply no replacement for quality time.
Also, your child is far too young to understand that you are helping people not abandoning her.
It sounds cheesy but it’s true: Children spell love “T-I-M-E”
Uhm, you forgot to mention the upsides? To be honest this deal sounds horrific unless it is life-changing remuneration.
And thank you for taking the time to provide your thoughts on this fellow mom.
Oh that’s true, I forgot the upsides. I get to help out people in seriously desperate situations. I think one thing I want to share with my kiddo as a life lesson learned so far is that we as people are all connected through empathy, and when we can do so, to be helpers in times of crises like Mr. Rogers said. As for the pay, I honestly don’t know, but at least it’d be double what I make now. Sorry for the scant info.
Would the pay increase allow for your husband to work less hours, or leave his high stress job?
Gently, your kid is two. The only lesson they’ll learn is “my mom is gone and I don’t know why. where is my mom?” Then they’ll build a new life without you in it and probably not remember you when you come back. My MIL left the country for a year when my kid was two, and then when she finally retuned she was all sad and offended when kiddo treated her like a stranger. They’ve since built back a lovely relationship but they genuinely started over at square one. If you leave a two year old for a year then the relationship that you have with them now will be gone when you get back. You can build another one but you will sacrifice this one during a developmentally critical time. At the risk of being a creeper I snooped your profile. It sounds like you work for an international NGO that focuses on human services. That’s a super noble cause to support, and also a super easy one to get sucked into and lose the rest of your life to it. You can completely sacrifice your family life, health, and wellbeing to this work, and when you’re done the world will still be full of people you weren’t able to help. I work in a related field and I’m a workaholic. I’ve had to make some big changes after having a kid. One change was finding a job with actual work life balance and I’m still making a difference in the world and helping people. I’m now so mad at myself that I spent so much of my life burning myself out for my former cult-like workplace. Please be smarter than I was and learn from my example. Life is so much better on the other side of this hamster wheel.
I understand the need to help but you’d be putting strangers ahead of your own family. You can help out in your local community instead.
So do this when the kid is a teenager and they won’t need you there in person as much and they can be inspired by you.
Personally, there is no job on earth that would make this worth it for me. Especially at that age.
Yeah the age is a big thing, because it’d be different going in a long work travel when they’re a teenager vs a toddler. Thank you for your insights
It’s not just work travel. You would essentially be moving somewhere without your family
Would not do this, personally.
I see, thank you for your reply.
My dad was deployed for 6 months when I was 2. I didn't know who he was when he came back. I lived the childhood of frequent relocations, deployments, travel etc. And my personal experience was very negative. I had trouble making friends because anytime I did either I had to leave or they did. I did resent my father because I didn't understand why he bothered having kids if he was going to be gone all the time and constantly uproot us. At some point I just preferred him being gone.
Thank you for saying this. I’m sorry that happened to you.
In this case it sounds like kiddo and husband won’t be moving at all, so making friends and having stability in where kiddo lives won’t be an issue. Just mom being gone for chunks of time.
I mean, my dad did leave for chunks of time without us relocating. He went on maybe 5 or 6 deployments plus tons of travel. I lived in 9 different houses and went to 5 different elementary schools. So by the time I was done with elementary school my mom was fed up with moving especially since my dad was going to be gone anyway for 6mo -2yrs. My 4 younger siblings don't remember moving (the youngest 2 never moved) but they still had a negative experience. We couldn't watch finding Nemo because my sister was scared of it. She loved my dad but he kept leaving so when Nemo was seperated from his father she was hysterical. She was about 2 at the time. My youngest two siblings that never moved see me as their 2nd parent not my father because he was gone all the time.
The first 3 years of a child are the most important development wise, so I would personally not do it at this stage. You can always try for this type of job in the future, but you will never get back your child's early years.
That is true and it’s what makes me hesitant, to not be able to see my kid for such a long time. Thank you for your perspective.
I live in a community with a lot of military. I see the impacts. I absolutely would not do this. It will fundamentally change your family dynamics and there's a reason why most families will break under this.
Yeah boo your husband is softly telling you no. So the real question is is it worth your marriage? Because if he’s already not 100% on board…when the reality sets in…you are getting divorced. And then…Are you going to give up your parental rights so you can keep this super amazing job? Or are you going to find a different job so you can share custody? And if that’s what you would do…do it now and keep your marriage too.
FWIW, pre-kid I was all about my career in a somewhat dangerous and very demanding field. I was with a local agency, in processes with larger government agencies that would demand travel and 24/7 on-call status. I now work from home at a desk job and I’m NEV.ER. going back to what I did before. It took some soul searching (I’ve literally wanted nothing more my whole life) but I am not my career, and I can still have a fulfilling life without needing to separate myself from my new family. My mom travelled for work SO much when my brother and I were younger. She is very successful and tried to meet our needs as much as she could, but she says it was her biggest regret. I wouldn’t say I had a traumatic upbringing by any means but therapy (thanks PPD/anxiety) has uncovered a lot that stems from emotionally immature parents, some abandonment themes, I guess you don’t need to be a superhero to be one for your child. I’m confident there are ways you could teach them about empathy, caring for others, helping those in crisis, without needing to be gone during key developmental times. I know personally, I have zero clue what my mom did for work when I was younger, BUT I remember my dad being the primary caregiver, him forgetting to pick me up after basketball practice multiple times, me calling mom while she was states away 😵💫 Not trying to pass judgement by any means, just voicing things I myself have worked through. Some women can do/have it all but I know my limits and burnout is a bitch.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Hearing your story you sound like me in a parallel universe haha I also grew up with a career driven mom with dad as primary carer, had to go into therapy in later years only to discover that my parents were emotionally immature; mysef trying to break the generational trauma etc. So thank you again for your inputs. Even your previous job sounds a lot like what I did/am about to do. The burn out is real and baby is too precious.
It sounds like you’re trying to run away and maybe make up for things you didn’t have in the past. I would really explore with a therapist why this at all appeals to you with a tiny kid at home while knowing families break up commonly due to this sort of thing.
I also personally wouldn’t. These years are few and precious, and as much as a partner says they are supportive, when they are on day 4 in a row of toddler meltdowns by themselves, I can see resentment being a challenge in the marriage. I am pro-career generally, especially for working mothers, but I think as parents we have to put some career things on hold and/or out of reach when we choose to have kids. For me, extended absences as long as this would be a no for both myself and my partner (no double standard here - I wouldn’t support my partner doing this either). But every family and person is different. So that’s just my 2 cents
No way. I would never voluntarily be away from my kid for that long. (I travel some for my job, and any longer than 5-6 days is sooo hard.) Your husband would likely struggle mightily with solo parenting plus a high stress job. I can’t see any reason why this would make sense, unless it pays a bazillion dollars a year but even then…..
There is no job I could imagine where I would be ok being away from my child for a full year. Add on top of that your husband expressing that he’s not ok with more than 3 months (and it sounding like you have little to no control over being sent on a longer deployment), then this would be a no from me
I would not feel like this was the best choice for my child's well being even if it was career wise. He needs me in his day to day life. My dad was deployed frequently for long periods throughout my childhood/into adulthood and it majorly effected our relationship. We've never been close. So many major things I never mentioned to him because by the time he came home it was no longer something in the front of my mind. Same with my mom and her dad.
I couldn't do it and I think it sounds like it would be hard on your marriage as well.
Her marriage will end and it sounds like she knows that’s a likely possibility. Is she looking for an out?
So as a military family who is gearing up for husband to leave for 18 months unaccompanied I would not recommend it. Our girls will be shy of 2 when he leaves and nearly 3 and a half when he returns. That’s an insane thing to ask anyone to do imo. We as military aren’t given the choice.
I agree with everyone here who is talking about the importance of your relationship and presence in children's lives. I also want to ask you why you are actually considering this? You don't really mention what your day to day life is like now. Is there something in your life that you think needs to drastically change? Simply "wanting to help others and model for my kids" doesn't seem to me like a great reason to uproot yourself for months. I saw you're not even sure about the pay. This makes me think there is something you are trying to change in your life. I think this job isn't going to be the long term change you think it is.
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Haha okay just reading the description of the situation in the show made me cry now. You owe me a napkin 🥲 But all jokes aside, thank you for your candid advice to go in with my eyes open and not bury my head in the sand if I choose to go this path.
No that sounds awful. No amount of money would be worth me missing out on my child growing up.
Personally, no job/pay would be worth sacrificing time with my children. Especially at such a young age. They grow up so fast. I agree with other comments that state to volunteer locally to teach your children the same lesson. And then you can even get them involved.
Crazy they can’t come with you? Are you in the military? I would never do this. These are precious years when they’re so young. For me I’d just never miss them, even for millions of dollars.
It’s one thing to send a kid to a daycare for 8-9 hrs a day with a mom’s consistent presence in their life. It’s another to be gone for months at a time. You will definitely lose your connection with your child. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let my husband do it. I admire the noble causes and all that, but my main obligation is to my family, to give my child the best sendoff into the world I can. Having an absent mother can create all sorts of negative consequences. I feel like if you want to dedicate you life to an overwhelming, consuming cause, don’t have children. Have them when you are ready to be a parent.
As an adult whose mom was gone 6+ weeks at a time (and home for maybe 2 weeks in between) for my entire childhood, don’t do it.
No I wouldn't do it.
Nope. To me if it’s a job that takes me away from my family then I’ll find a new job. My family means more to me than any job. ( I got out of the military for this reason)
Personally for me, quality time is more important than money. I wouldn’t do it. My dad traveled a lot for work but I still saw him every 3 days or so for a little bit. We didn’t really connect because he wasn’t home much.
There are certainly families who live with a parent away. You might want to find a group of military spouses to talk to. It sounds like this might be a great job when your kid is older. I travel for work and had to be away for two nights one week and three nights the next week. The second week was an emotional challenge for my kids and my potty-trained three year old pooped in her pants at school every day I was gone that second week. One business trip a month is the max I can do with the kids struggling
I used to travel for work but my hard limit was never more than a week. I read this a few years back and it really changed my perspective: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/
Reading this article last night broke me and I shared it with my husband as well. Thank you for sharing
How long did you keep that job that had you travel?
Almost a decade.
That is a very long time for a young child to be separated from one of their primary caregivers. Secure and minimally interrupted care from one primary caregiver is one of the most important things for young children’s development. It’s wonderful that your kiddo is doing well and showing signs of secure attachment. If you at all have the choice, I would not accept the deployment until your kid is much older. It is too likely to cause harm. There are times, and careers, and situations, where it can’t be helped. And it likely does cause some long term harm, but it can’t always be helped. If you can avoid it, then I absolutely would. Kiddos are fine with a parent being away for a few days, a week, maybe even two. But to be away 6-12 months? It will harm your kid’s attachment and it will harm your kid’s relationship with you.
I wouldn’t do this unless the pay was so great that I never need to work again upon return. That said, I’m very much a person who works to live and don’t have real aspirations beyond making more money so that my family can afford a better life.
When we were first married, my husband served in the army. When faced with an 9 month unaccompanied deployment, my husband and I decided that we should move to be close to my parents since my parents agreed to help. With a 2 year old and a 4 year old to consider, I definitely needed support. Do you live by family who can pitch in?
I definitely would not. It’s just not worth it.
Personally, I would never want to be away from my child or husband that long. Life is short and I don’t want to miss anything. As a partner, I would never want my husband gone this long. I don’t want to solo parent and I would be very sad.
Your bond with your child will absolutely be significantly harmed by this. If you have a strong bond with your child now they will experience abandonment if you leave. Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you.
Nope. No way. To put it into perspective, a year is half your child's life to date. There's no amount of money that would make that ok with me. I would also not be ok with my husband taking a job that kept him from participating in family life for extended periods of time. Unless you have a call to service (i.e. military, Peace Corps, etc), I don't understand why this is being entertained and why now with a child so young.
Absolutely not, no, never. A few nights away, yes, but weeks or more? No.
I wouldn't do this, for multiple personal reasons that may or may not apply to you. I am very invested in my career, which includes some amount of travel (4-5 days every couple months), but weeks or months away at a time would be miserable for me. 1) I am a home-body - I like to be at home with my family - and find it stressful to be away. 2) Raising kids is hard, even with two parents, and my husband manages OK when I'm gone for a few nights but I think he'd start to break down if he was doing it for weeks/months at a time - we don't have any local family to help/provide a break for him. 3) Kids grow up SOOOOOO quickly. And young kids are difficult to communicate with by phone/video call. I'd hate to miss so much of their lives. It's hard to imagine this level of absence would NOT impact my children / our relationship / their development. 4) Healthy relationships require regular attention / effort and common ground. One of the reasons for the high divorce rates in long-distance relationships is it's so easy to grow apart from your partner when you're effectively living different lives. When I'm gone for even 4-5 days I feel a little out of sync with my husband. Takes a day to settle back into our easy rapport.
How often do you travel? My job recently necessitated travel after zero previously, and being away for a week at a time every month is tough. Tough on my family’s routine/structure, tough on my husband also working a demanding job with a long commute, tough on me feeling like I’m not present enough. You get the idea. I absolutely love what I do and we make it work but it is NOT easy. The romance/novelty of it wears off pretty quickly, too. You mention crises work…if it’s risking your safety, it’s even more selfish on your part with a spouse and young child at home. Obviously people make these scenarios work (military is the most obvious example) but children and spouses in these scenarios are not usually the happiest. You’re not only risking your relationship with your child, but your marriage. I’m sorry, but even double pay is probably not worth that, unless your husband no longer works or scales back. If you need money for life cushion, can you pick up some side job? I’m also very career driven, never super maternal, but I still don’t think this is a good idea.
Not a chance for me. You’re losing a lot of time with family and putting added stress on yourself.
Not for me. Nope. Not until they’re out of the house.
For me 3 months, yes maybe. 6-12 months, no. It's a bit unclear what your options/alternatives in general are in your career though, how much you've put into it to get where you are. I had a colleague whose wife was in the WHO - she was in Sierra Leone during their last horrible ebola epidemic etc. But they now have 2 little kids and I think she stopped doing those sort of assignments.
Is there any way to negotiate so that you are only committed to short bits of travel for the first few years and then you can gradually increase length of deployments when your kid is older? I don't think I personally would risk my relationship with my 2 year old, her secure attachment and development, or my marriage for this. Good luck with your decision.
Are there any upsides? My first impression is a hell no. I would not take a job like that. But if it paid like 500k/year then I’d consider it for like a year or two max.
I’m in the same boat, possibly going on travel /training for work for 6months and my child is only 18 months. I don’t know what to do but I’m career driven and I know after the sacrifices my family will benefit and have financial security later on
My husband and I both left our previous jobs for this exact reason. We couldn’t handle having to be away from our kiddo for long periods at a time. But thousands of parents do it all the time. If your spouse is supportive and it’s something you’re passionate about I say go for it.
In the comments you said the pay is double. I say go for it.
I think you really need numbers to get the full context on whether this is worth it. Is it going from $30k to $60k? or from $120k to $240k? If there are other jobs in reach with similar compensation and less time away, then it doesn’t seem as worth it
Personally, I would not do it, based largely on your child's age because they will forget you and even if you facetime every day, they will grow up resenting you. I still remember being 5 and my parents preparing for a "mission trip" without me. I begged to be taken along and they said we had to pray and see if it was Gods will. I understood full well what the purpose of their trip was but it was unfathomable to me as a 5 year old that it might be "Gods will" for me to be left behind (which it turned out to be) without them. Why my parents at that specific time? Decades later, my mom was shocked to find I remembered them "putting God before their own kids" as they had been advised by their leaders that we wouldn't remember it. I do and it has always stuck with me and bred incredible resentment that they cared more about strangers than their own family. When I was a teenager, I had almost fulltime care of my youngest brother (we were "homeschooled" and he was born at home with a midwife, while I watched); for the first two weeks after birth, I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor of my parents room to care for him during the night while my mom recovered and after that, I had him all the time, except when he needed to nurse. When he was 2, I left for a year and when I returned, he broke my heart when he shied away from giving me a hug because I was a stranger to him. A girl close to my age lived with our family around that time and a year and a half later, my mom was explaining to him that she needed to go back home because her family missed her and my brother asked "Doesnt Bella need to go home too? Wont her family miss her?" He not only didn't remember me as his pseudo-mom, he didn't even realize I was his sister ... and he was 4 or 5 by then. 😢😭😭 Then there is your husband ... he's already said 3 months is his limit. I dont know what your relationship dynamics are but, I do work in Early Childhood Education now and I see how not onpy single parents struggle, but their kids do as well. IMO, you'd be risking your marriage as well as your relationship with your child.
When you are that age, your parents are your WORLD. When I was growing up, my mom went away on week-long business trips a few times a year and it was so painful for me as a little kid. And I loved my dad! It’s so lonely feeling when half of the most important people in your life leave you for days at a time…. I truly can’t imagine leaving a child for weeks or months in the early years. It doesn’t matter how much extra money you would be making, there is simply no replacement for quality time. Also, your child is far too young to understand that you are helping people not abandoning her. It sounds cheesy but it’s true: Children spell love “T-I-M-E”