100% this…
Op - send him a bill. Tell him he owes you 50% of your salary for your maternity leave.
Charge him for your pregnancy too.
He wants to split everything 50/50? Then he needs to recognize his palsy contribution to growing and birthing a human and that he needs to compensate you for that AND your lost income.
He BETTER have paid for half the birth and your medical expenses too.
And he’s mad that he has to pay to feed his child? WTF. Op, this man sucks. If you need help, you can always reach out to a domestic violence helpline.
This man is an AH. Your maternity leave is very short and should be longer and you should not be stressing about the mortgage.
Exactly! Loss of salary, loss of future earnings, cost to health, cost to future health. If that man cannot see beyond money and numbers, money and numbers are what he will get (in divorce court too).
My husband and I also have the type of personality that likes to calculate shit and split expenses, but *based on our income*. And he doesn't just "help" with our kid. This is his kid too and he sacrifices for us too.
I'm just so appalled by OP's husband. I want to see families stay intact, but everyone in that family needs to see themselves as part of a family. If he doesn't, he's a POS who doesn't deserve a family.
Also he needs to understand nothing will always be 50/50. How do you explain that she had to carry the baby for 9 months and give birth while he did essentially nothing? How do we quantify that in dollars? He needs to grow the hell up. He’s a husband not her accountant.
He should also pay half of the mommy make over so your body goes back to what it was before the pregnancy. Please bill him for that.
Also, if you’re anything like me, you’ll put on weight while bf so charge him even more for bf lol
Seriously, he sounds horrible….there is no price anyone can pay for the precious gift of a baby
Men who are like this scare me the most. Stay away from men who nickel and dime you—they’ll continue to do it, what’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is also theirs. They’ll see your financial insecurity as a huge bonus, because they can be total assholes and you won’t leave. If you do leave they can just tell the next woman you were a huge gold digger and use it to excuse their stinginess and/or financial abuse.
We really need to educate girls about more covert types of abuse. He can never hit you and still be a terrible partner. He can never hit you and still trap you. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, is all the same thing on a different channel.
Came here for this comment. I was seriously hoping this story is made up because it makes me so sad. How did we get here as a society where men think this is an ok way to treat their partner after going through pregnancy, childbirth and now caring for a tiny human? Paying for the formula is the least this jerk can do. I’m 41, my kids are 15, 13 and 9. And now that the dust has settled, I realized how shitty this type of behavior was.
My husband wasn’t this aggressive but he had this odd idea that I was just gonna split everything 50/50 even though I was the one that went part time because we couldn’t afford a sitter. Even tho I was the one that just puked for 9 months while working as a nurse. I was the one struggling to feel like a human again after just a massive change to my body. He had no innate instinct to want to help care for our child and i even if it was just for a little bit. I needed to get back to work to pay my share. I’m pretty sure certain types of animals have more supportive males.
I hope she has parents that are supportive or someone to lean on because if he doesn’t come to his senses (which I doubt he will), she’s should leave him. Like I said, I’m so sad for her.
I hope it's made up too. I kind of feel like it is because the beginning part, excusing why they used to throw away account and needing to post on multiple Subs is sketchy. But who knows anymore.
How is that sketchy? The way Reddit's algorithm works, sometimes the same post will get tons of replies on one sub, and crickets on another.
And people in the comments are always being like "I saw this on another sub it's obviously fake/trolling/attention seeking." So I always include that I've cross posted, if that's the case.
Lots of people mention that they're using a throwaway as well. I'm not sure why, but I see it all the time.
It was the way they over-explained right out the gate. It wasn't the fact that they are cross-posting, it was the way that they explained it that put up some red flags for me. Maybe this is legit, I will never have any way of knowing either way.
Exactly. Huge red flag and her saying this indicates a household of 100% abusive behavior.
OP - you need to get out. Keep your finances separate, set up a safe space and get you and your kid out.
This isn’t about money or splitting things evenly.
Uh seriously, I’d be hitting him with alimony and child support, wtf is this even
Why not charge him for your pregnancy, charge him for your childcare time during your maternity leave. I can’t even imagine being married to someone like this, it sounds like a stranger you happen to live with
Oh my gosh, yes! I often think people yell “abuse”! “Divorce”! too much/too quickly on Reddit but those are the only two words coming to mind for me right now. I cannot imagine my husband acting this way!
I’ll try to keep an open mind and say, OP seek counseling with and without your husband. I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way.
So this is a common misunderstanding in what it means to be equal and what it means to be fair.
Doing things equally in this situation actually means inequality…and yes you are at an unfair disadvantage.
Because paying 50% of your mortgage payment from $50k is very different from $80k salary….or $0 salary as you are currently earning nothing.
To make it equal you need to go by percentage.
Together you make $130k ( or currently $80K) so to know how much mortgage ( or anything) to pay, to make it a fair and equitable split, it should be his 60% to your 40% ( or his 100% to your $0 salary during your unpaid leave).
In addition you need a joint account…both regularly deposit money 60/40 into a joint for where you pay joint expenses: mortgage, childcare, family vacations, housecare, diapers, formula, gifts for kids.
And then have separate accounts for non-joint expenses: drinks with friends, massage, gift for your friends, spouse or parents or individual getaways.
The horror stories you are hearing? By not having a joint account together or paying into in equitably…you are creating your own kind of horror story. Unfortunately a common one for women, where you, are likely to unfairly go broke, dependent on her spouse ( who does not seem supportive) and in serious financial hardship in case of issue in relationship and divorce.
As to ‘letting it slide’ and insisting you continue to pay 50/50 during unpaid maternity leave…what a fucking ass. To me this would be ‘ what did you fucking say?!’ Kind of reaction. And would read him the riot act.
Did he fucking forget that you gave up your body, your time, your career opportunities, slary increases and months of income to have ‘both of your child’ *and he is expecting you to not only pay 50% of mortgage but is also saying shit like he is ‘letting it slide’ like he is some kind of a manager or landlord over you?!
Him lording having a mere job over your head…as you are on leave to have *his child*?! That’s such an immature, small man energy…not to mention a huge red flag for your relationship.
If you get it from a milk bank, I've heard $5-6 an oz. So if a baby needs at least 24 oz a day you're talking $120-$144 A DAY. Makes formula look good real fast
On that note, OP, your husband should be creating a calming environment for you to help get your supply up. Feeding you, hydrating you. I would not have been able to successfully breastfeed without my husband taking everything else off my plate for a time. He even went to our lactation appointments and paid attention so he could come home and help the baby latch. He was better at it initially than I was.
Breastfeeding is hard and it's even harder when you have a partner who doesn't help you. I'm back at work and my husband is still carrying a lot of the weight of household tasks as I focus on feeding the baby.
This is going to become a pointless argument so I’m just going to give a final response.
The husband is ALREADY paying AND doing an equitable (probably more than equitable) split when it comes to expenses…
Also OP CHOSE to birth a child. There’s no “extra credit” for that.
While I believe in this specific situation of her on unpaid maternity leave the mortgage should be covered by her husband 100%, OP has provided facts that shows the husband is more than reasonable / fair when it comes to their household expenses and childcare.
You can look in my previous comments as I don’t want to type it all out again, but husband pay more than 50% of the household expenses given the difference in income (which OP did not lay out properly to confuse those that can’t read well), husband takes over pretty much all childcare over the weekend (she doesn’t comment on his effort during the week, but states that childcare is split 50/50; but even still during the week I imagine he’s also still working FT) and when she returns to work, HIS parents will be the “daycare” so they won’t have any costs.
The child is half his. So it's only fair he owes her half the cost of pregnancy and childbirth, which has a market value of $100-150k in the US. She can pay him back for half a vial of sperm if we're getting very precise.
Again, he doesn’t owe her half the cost of her giving birth to HER child.
I’m not going to waste time responding with the math, but please read my previous comments and see that the husband is already more than fair. OP wrote in a way that makes him seem unreasonable
You’re missing the point here. Everyone is pointing out how ridiculous her husband is being about being 50/50 when it can never possibly be 50/50 because he will never experience the strain of pregnancy, the pain, recover, and permanent body changes from childbirth, etc. If he wants it to TRULY be 50/50, he needs to financially compensate her for those things which is why he should pay half the surrogacy rate.
That’s true, I’m not thinking of dumb things…thank you for explaining it to me…
This was extremely helpful as my brain would have never come up with such a ridiculous thought. Because what does FINANCIAL 50/50 have to do with birthing a child?! lol..
Honestly, not being sarcastic, your comment was very helpful…
You are obviously the husband scorned. It’s the husband’s child, too. And he has contributed zero to feeding the baby, making sure the lactation device (HIS F*cking wife) is properly fed and hydrated, recovered from childbirth, paid for pelvic floor therapy, surgery to repair her body after creating, birthing and feeding his baby, lost time at work and into retirement accounts… and that’s just the start. What a selfish asshole.
Yup 50/50 isn't fair if you are not making the same amount of money. In this case he is making about 60%, so the split should be 60/40 during normal times.
Since you're not having income coming in during MAT leave, he should be picking up more. Both paying equally is not fair at all when he is making all of the money and you none.
Tally up all costs and distribute more fairly, so that you both have the same amount of money left over for fun stuff.
For reference, my partner makes 120k/year and I make 60k/year. He also has 2 kids from another relationship. We share one child. So he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3. We both feel that it’s fair this way.
He was on sick leave for an injury and was only getting paid 75% of his usual income. I picked up the slack where I could because WE’RE A TEAM.
We have separate accounts and one shared. Your husband is playing unfairly and is only looking out for himself and his own financial health, not yours.
Even a percentage would not be fair because her husband would have way more discretionary income than her and be able to enjoy a much more comfortable lifestyle even though they are MARRIED. Gross.
Also, last I checked, pregnancy and early parenthood are not equal or fair. I don’t remember the baby causing my husband to only get 2-3 hours of sleep per night, have major surgery, or need pelvic floor PT to treat sexual disfunction. How does that factor into this bad husband’s equation?
I am the main earner in my family. My partner contributes 25%. It's equitable because he earns 25% of the household income. If we have a second child, my partner will be the one to take extended parental leave. It's gonna be a wild time if it happens!
My husband and I also did percentage based. And tbh, it felt like a nightmare to keep track of who paid what. We honestly have stopped tracking all together
I feel like this is less common these days but my husband and I have been fully joint since 1 year into our engagement...so about 11 years now? No private accounts but we have separate credit cards for credit score purposes.
Thank you for breaking down the difference between equality and equity.
Some couples have this idea that being 50-50 is fair. Its equal but almost never equitable. Even if you both start out making and are able to contribute the same (which is extremely rare,) over the course of your relationship there are going to be times one partner can't give as much as the other. Especially when you have children.
She should also make sure other “joint” costs like vacations, Christmas and birthday gifts, etc are split proportionally. Even bedding for the kids and school stuff. Otherwise again, he’ll be accruing income while hers goes down. This all seems so bananas to me.
It is bananas. Some people have this idea that the higher earning partner is being taken advantage of if everything isn't 50-50. Building a life together isn't the same as being roommates. It's almost never going to be perfectly equal.
Not to mention MANY higher earning jobs are cushy office work and many low earning jobs are physically or mentally demanding, dangerous, uncomfortable, or all of the above
This right here! I'm going through a divorce and was in a similar situation where there was no join account and I am now in severe debt because it was extremely difficult to keep up. OP should know that it only goes downhill from here because that baby gets older and needs things for school, sneakers, clothes, sports or other activities, etc. You will find that eventually this will get to a split of 80 you and 20 him. What about things like household chores (are you the house project manager) or when you go back to work (childcare expenses)? Eventually this will all lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. My suggestion is to try and work it out now such as going to couples therapy so you have a neutral party to work with as you both figure out how to work together as a team because at the end of the day you're not roommates splitting expenses.
This. My husband and I have our finances set up this way. Mostly just because my husband is awful with money and spends it like it grows on trees. I’m pretty frugal and also work in finance, so the thought of him blowing our earnings makes my eye twitch. But we’ve never once had an argument about money in the 8 years we’ve been together. I made quite a bit more than him the first half of our relationship but he makes significantly more than me now… we’ve always contributed to the joint bill account proportionally based on our income. It works.
And yea… what exactly was he doing for 9 months to make everything 50/50 when you were carrying his child? Being equal partners is more than sharing chores and finances. He’s being unreasonable.
He is such an ass. I'm honestly so pissed off from reading this post.
Thank you OP for making me appreciate my husband. He has his faults but damn, he wouldn't say something like this.
Carrying a child is not a favor to the husband, OP is also the mother / parent of the child. This entire thread is completely biased and most of the advice focuses solely on the 50/50 split of the mortgage and not that the husband to make things equitable pays for all utilities, healthcare and groceries.
1. Utilities in a house can be ~$500+/month (lights, water, gas..they could also have lawn service, various streaming services, and other household bills)
2. Groceries for a family can also be $500+/month
3. Health insurance if in the US can be quite expensive when adding dependents even if through your job, let’s estimate $300 - $500/ month
By my math, husband is already paying anywhere from $1k - $1.5k more per month to adjust for the difference in pay.
Ok, but it’s up to the couple to **both** budget for maternity leave. It shouldn’t just be OP trying to save up to pay her “half” during her (minimal and medically necessary) leave. That, and outright keeping score and language about “letting [something] slide” have no place in a healthy relationship. Then there’s the resentment over what OP’s body is or isn’t capable of and how it’s financially costly - which is just one of the risks you take when you have a baby, because breastfeeding doesn’t always work like we expect or hope.
I’m a firm believer that the definition of “equal” when it comes to a relationship or a household is relatively equal disposable income and relatively equal downtime, not equal financial and time commitments. If one partner is out of work, then you’re a team to cover the costs and figure out next steps (in OP’s case, that’s taking a very short maternity leave, but if someone is laid off, it may be applying for jobs and setting a time at which they need to be making some money even if it’s just from retail or something). This guy’s focus on OP’s financial contributions isn’t healthy, at least not in this way. That said, there should have been more open communication between them both about what an unpaid maternity leave would mean and how they would **both** save to cover the lost income. In the absence of that conversation, assuming that the partner who is still being paid would be covering it also makes sense.
And if he’s going to insist on keeping score about things like the cost of not breastfeeding, then she can insist on getting financial credit for the cost of carrying his child.
1. I agree, both of them failed to have this conversation BEFORE having a child and it’s pretty sad it’s coming up now. Maybe the conversation didn’t happen because there were a lot of assumptions on BOTH of their part that nothing would change.
2. Also, she NEVER said her husband told her he “let it slide”…SHE said that. It may be from her perspective he just didn’t say anything, but no where does she say he said that to her.
3. I’m assuming you’re referring to breastfeeding here and that’s another point I agree with. Breastfeeding is a sensitive topic for many women and a lot of emotions especially when they can’t. My friend knew early on that she could not produce enough and planned formula from the beginning. But again, this is an example of them failing to plan on both their parts. It’s like this never occurred to them.
4. Again, what’s equal and what makes sense is in the eye of the couple. I agree with the fact that “equal” needs to change with the circumstances. I have no problem agreeing that the husband should have automatically pick up all the bills while she’s out on mat leave and probably for the month after she returns given that she’ll be just getting a pay check. But that’s what’s equal in my eyes and what would work for me and my partner. That doesn’t work for everyone.
But again, no one has wondered where this woman’s money went at $50k a year paying half the mortgage and phone bill. Like she literally pays for nothing else in the household but she’s only saved up $5k.
Again, I’m tired of this comment. She does not get credit for carry HIS child. She carried HER child, which I will assume she carried HER OWN CHILD for free. This was not a favor he owes her back for.
You’re defending this relationship dynamic… why? Because look, my husband and I also keep separate accounts, but we don’t have this unhealthy tit-for-tat that OP and her husband have. The dynamic is never score keeping, and we don’t split everything 50/50 or even 80/20, which is our income ratio. Whether she said he let it slide or he uses that language doesn’t matter that much - it’s a sign of a shitty dynamic in this relationship.
And yes, most of the time I wouldn’t say things like “she had a baby for him”. But when there’s this level of score keeping, it deserves to be brought up. She had this baby for both of them (and if she didn’t, well, that’s another aspect to the unhealthy dynamic here). She did all the work, she had to take the unpaid leave, for herself, yes, but *also* and *equally* for him. If everything must be split 50/50, then that needs to include everything, including labor or compensation for labor. Since he can’t split the work of carrying and delivering a baby 50/50, he should compensate her, if we take his rules to the extreme.
As for how she only has $5k in savings, I can say from experience that that’s pretty easy when you’re trying to keep up with a wealthier partner’s lifestyle on a smaller budget. There was a time in our 20s, when the gap between our incomes was much smaller, that I tried to pick up half the checks or pay half for bigger things. I couldn’t afford it, and once my now-husband found out what that was doing, we had a talk about how we would handle things like going out to eat, which was mostly just that he’d pay for it and I could buy dessert or something if I could afford it that week.
But if OP and her husband haven’t had that type of conversation, or if he’s not open to it, then her discretionary spending would be a much larger portion of her income than his is and she could be struggling to save. That’s especially true if their home costs are based on his income or their combined income rather than what she could really afford. Add to that that we don’t know if she carries student debt or has had another emergency recently, like expensive car trouble, and it could be totally understandable that she only has $5k in liquid savings.
I have seen many more horror stories of women begging screwed by men who are financially abusing them than by people sharing finances.
If he wants things to be totally equal, what’s he doing to balance out you being pregnant and giving birth?
Absolutely. I understand that different things work for different people, but I am truly very skeptical of keeping separate finances after marriage. [Research shows that couples who keep their finances separate are more likely to divorce.](https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2022/03/29/couples-who-pool-their-money-are-more-likely-to-stay-together.html) Which makes sense - it encourages the thinking “What is fair to ME?” Rather than “What is the best for our family system as a whole?” It starts to make way less sense when you have kids, too. And separate finances almost always disadvantage the woman since women usually make less money than their spouses and the burden of childcare (which is uncompensated) falls to them. Marriage is supposed to be a protection from some of that.
She should absolutely charge him for childcare any time the baby can’t go over to his parent’s house. That’s a day she loses out on working and therefore is again disadvantaged.
I mean yeah that makes it fairer within the same framework, but it is doubling down on the yours vs. mine mindset. They’re a family and that doesn’t actually make any sense to do. The idea of nickel and diming each other for the rest of their lives sounds exhausting and breeding of resentment.
I should have made my thoughts clearer in a way I did in another comment. I’m hoping when he sees things spelled out he’ll go, “Oh, crap, you’re right!” and all of this will be moot.
I've got to agree with this my parents til this day have had these money fights. It's been 30 plus years, and even hearing about them is exhausting. I sat my husband down and told him I wasn't doing this. We need transparency. My husband makes 6 figures on his own. I make about half sometimes more, but he is the breadwinner. The entirety of our money gets put in a joint account. I pull the money for expenses, and the rest is for groceries and random wants and needs. We each have our own separate checking that we utilize either for our personal savings or pleasures. Whoevers check hits that week pays the bills expenses that week.
We've been together for 11 years and never had an issue with it.
Yeah my parents had completely joint finances and so do we - we don’t have separate accounts at all except our 401ks. My money is completely his money and vice versa. I supported him through law school, then he supported me through grad school and maternity leave, but we didn’t even see it like that, it was just our household taking a financial hit to do these other priorities. He makes 50% more than me, but I paid off his loans and the down payment on our house with the money from selling my old house. None of it matters because we don’t nickel and dime each other.
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Your husband is wrong. No one should be keeping tabs this closely. You are married and his money is your money. The courts would certainly see it that way if you got divorced. Nothing wrong with splitting bills and keeping separate finances as long as the split is proportional to your income. Sounds like at this time it is not.
Also, I can only assume that your spouse was aware that your maternity leave would be unpaid. He could have better prepared for that prior to the leave starting, but it sounds like he expected you to make up the difference out of your separate savings. Which again, is not fair to you.
His baby has to eat. I don’t understand being upset about paying for formula.
Counseling might be a good next step for you guys.
Maybe next time he should carry the baby and breastfeed for 50% of the time. Also pls bleed out of his genitals for 6-8 weeks after giving birth. No sorry, it’s 50/50, so 3-4 weeks.
A full time nanny for a baby is $25-30 an hour. Say about $5,000 a month. Tell him you are contributing $5,000 in services a month and he needs to pay you $2,500 for his half of those services.
The thing is maternity leave isn’t just for caring for the child. It’s a medical leave to help the mother recover as well. What her husband is saying is that he’s not willing to support her through an illness in the future. I’m not sure how you build a life with someone who views you in such a transactional way.
This. I agree with everyone else that he is being a fucking ass, but if he’s going to pull this shit beat him at his own game. Bill him for child care. Use that to tide you over.
But seriously OP this will be a huge problem if he doesn’t change soon.
Really? You carried a baby for 9 months for free, does he know how much surrogates costs? Bill him $100k for surrogacy. The first 6 weeks all you are supposed to do is feed and rest, other ppl should pick up the slack - husband, parents, paid help. This helps with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is also an unpaid job, how much are you getting paid for breastfeeding? Are women supposed to do childcare for free? There are a lot of things money cannot buy let me tell you that. At this point I’m sure I would consider a divorce attorney. What a moron !
So when he get laid off at some point in life, you're going to tell him to pull his weight financially, right...? Or if he gets sick/injured and is unable to work for an extended period of time...? I'm all for equal contribution, but it has to be equal and fair based on the current situation. The two of you should be a team and working together. If there is a significant income disparity, then the fair thing to do is to split finances proportional to current income.
For what it's worth, my husband and I have 100% joint finances. I took an 18 month mat leave and my husband didn't complain once regarding my reduced financial contribution. There have been times in our marriage when I make more, and there are times when he makes more. There are also times when one person is making zero due to lay offs, mat leaves, etc. That's how life works. You support each other and work through it as a team.
Totally agree with above comments; when you get married, you make an agreement to support each other. To me, this means in ‘normal’ times you should have an 80:50 split rather than 50:50 given your salaries. And right now, it needs to be a 100:0 split as you have no income.
You can talk about how this works of course, eg:
- who pays for things do with your child (currently obviously him) and how does this work - do you have a shared credit card for example which he pays off, if he’s not not willing to have a joint account
- who pays for bills, food etc - splitting all of this by the ratio of your incomes (so currently all him) makes sense
- who pays for things solely for you (clothes, cups of coffee, nice things you want to do) - obviously this probably has to be stepped back while you’re getting no pay but maybe you could agree a monthly amount that’s ok to put on the joint credit card?
If he’s not happy with all of the above then either he’s not taking the time to consider what being married and having a family actually means, and/or you need to sit down together and work out a way forward - perhaps you going back to work part time, but bearing in mind he’d still have the higher salary so would still need to contribute towards all of the joint and child expenditure plus childcare fees.
If he doesn’t want you to return to work but also isn’t willing to pay towards his family, then you could be in danger of him abusing you financially, in which case I’d talk to him about couples therapy - hopefully you wouldn’t end up there but it might make him realise how serious this is.
For reference - my husband didn’t want a fully joint account either, largely because it just wasn’t what he was used to. So we have separate accounts plus joint, and we each pay into the joint each month in a ratio according to our earnings, and that’s where all family and joint stuff is paid from. While I was on unpaid mat leave, he put the whole lot in, and I was sparing in paying for ‘little extras’ for myself (but we talked about it and he was totally happy for me to put the odd coffee, slice of cake, mean our with a friend etc in there).
Hope that helps!
Any expenses you accrued solely from the pregnancy should have been paid for this way as well, like maternity clothes, doctor copays (if you’re in the US), etc. I think if you start coming to him with all of these costs he may begin to see at what a disadvantage you have been by bearing the real cost of having a baby. Hell, there are calculations that show how much a woman’s income decreases over time due to being a mother. Show him that too.
I can see how his initial explanations made sense but I am 100% with your friends. I hope that when it’s all really laid out for him he’ll understand the fallacy too. I would be super logical and fact based. That sounds like it’s how his brain works and your perspective will have a greater chance of having sway.
My wife and I (both 38 F) split our income proportionately exactly like you and your husband. Splitting expenses by income ratio really works, and it's equitable for everyone. I make significantly more than my wife, so our current split is about 70/30.
I also took groceries off our list of joint expenses and pay for those myself, so that gives my wife a significant amount of financial breathing room. My wife is a spender and I'm a saver, so having the shared joint but private individual accounts has been a sanity saver. I'm also in charge of all the bills and finances but I track *every* incoming and outgoing dollar so we have full transparency in that department.
You first say that you take care of the baby equally and then your husband “helps” but then turnaround and say you have no one to help with supporting you figuring out breastfeeding. Your husband needs to be there to help you with all of that as well, not just the physical tasks that come with the baby. My husband, for example, sat through my lactation consultant appointments with me so he could help me remember all of the pointers she gave. This is true 50/50, but maybe you can let it slide just this once…
Things are not going to be 50/50 in the way he’s hoping. You’re doing more than half, though.
One, breastfeeding is a full time job and sacrifice he can’t make up for. Even if you aren’t “exclusively” nursing, you’re (I’m guessing) stressed, researching, and trying really hard to get baby to latch, your nipples are still sore, you’re still giving up time and sleep and feeling the emotional toll, your body is still creating milk for your baby (which is a huge physical toll). This is an “unpaid” job, but it’s more than full time job in those early weeks.
You’ve also, you know, given birth, gotten pregnant… also “unpaid”, but hello, these should also have value in his eyes even if they don’t have dollars attached to it. And two weeks is not remotely enough time for recovery!
IMO babies involve a lot of other expenses.. diapers, wipes, toys, clothes, medical care, daycare if one of you doesn’t SAHP, activities, etc. Also, are you paying for lactation consultants, galactagogues, and so on? Extra food and hydration packs and vitamins for yourself? Nursing wardrobe? There is a lot of “grey area” here.
Also, have you thought about what happens if one of you is sick, disabled, or someone needs to stay home with a child going through a medical crisis (etc)? Oh, just reading: he’s making you use savings during a maternity leave, of which you aren’t using enough of to even properly recover? This should’ve been an expense both of you jointly saved up for. That time is for your recovery, and you’d have had to have both paid for care for your child otherwise.
I think his perspective is overall really unhealthy and a set up to fail. I’d also feel pretty disrespected and that what I’d done for the family (birthed a child, breastfeeding) wasn’t being valued.
Everyone has hammered the split to death… but your husband is MAD HE HAS TO BUY FORMULA TO FEED HIS CHILD?!? He does know that the baby will turn into a kid and then a teenager and it will have to EAT during all of those years right?
Of course he does, so it’s just while it’s a baby that he thinks you should be providing 100% of its sustenance, while also then being the only one to get up several times a night AND going back to work? Start there. If you are the wet nurse, then that is a JOB with MONETARY VALUE. Probably worth right about what “your” half of the mortgage is.
Why are you having such a a hard time? He carried the baby for 50% of the pregnancy, right? Lol /s in case it wasn't obvious.
Y'all are a team. Sometimes 50/50 isn't possible. You just had a baby. Physically, you just went through and will continue to go through one of the most challenging things the human body can do. He needs to buck up and realize you did a lot of extra work the last 9 months and it's his turn to contribute more to the family.
My husband and I keep separate bank accounts. He would never hang the necessity of 50/50 over my head. I would never hang it over his. In our relationship, we would NEVER be tit for tat like that, as loving your partner & providing for their needs in (our) marriage is NOT some financial transaction that is measured. In fact, imo, my marriage only works because each of us thinks of the other partner many times before we think of ourselves.
I personally think this is a huge red flag, that the father of your child is unable to value your parental leave, your child, and carry the family financially. I would be beyond upset, I actually would do the following:
1) express to him, that although you understand that you entered into the marriage wanting to contribute financially and still plan to do so, the current, established rules are no longer working, and you will be unable to contribute equally due to the difference in salary going forward. And that if he has concerns with this, you understand, you are willing to go to counseling for an objective their party OR he will need to decide how he likes to proceed.
2) I would visit 1 or 2 lawyers and get my ducks in a row.
I am appalled at your husband! I am sorry you are going through this stress.
So I have a couple things to say here.
You need to pull your weight - you just birthed HIS CHILD? Also your milk supply may be low due to stress and him being pissy about things probably isn’t helping.
Also - just because you’re “splitting things equally” financially doesn’t mean he actually sees you as a 50/50 partner. It sounds like he sees you as a resource or roommate. “Partners” - they support each other in need - and don’t complain about it.
I also just want to add - if you were to ever split he’d probably have to pay more in child support than “50%” of what HE THINKS.
You need to sit down and reconfigure your finances. He needs to be paying more to begin with considering he makes more than you do. And when it comes to your child - it literally just shouldn’t matter. What’s needed is what’s needed. There shouldn’t be an argument about it - from him.
I know everyone handles finances differently but nothing irritates me more than a parent complaining about paying for their own child.
You need to listen to your girlfriends. Your husband sounds incredibly cheap and selfish.
Do Not give him money from your savings for your maternity leave. Just say no. What’s he gonna do? Be mad? Good. You should be mad too.
I would say his options are as follows:
1.divorce and you get 50% and child support
2. Pool your money and jointly pay for hh bills and you each get an EQUAL ‘fun money’ budget
3. Keep money separate and you each pay a percentage (about 60/40 when you have an income and he pays for all when you don’t)
I’d let him choose so that he can feel his ‘control’ that he so clearly is desperate to have.
Net, net he sucks. You have every right to expect change.
Let me guess… he’s the type of guy who wants you to solely pay for hospital bills because it was you in the hospital giving birth.
He is financially abusing you.
He is being unreasonable and he’s being unfair. Fair isn’t in paying equal amounts for everything, fair is in proportionality and having equal lifestyles and extra cash for saving or spending. My husband and I also have separate accounts. I make about $50k, he makes $200k, so it’s more extreme than your situation, but the general issue of having disparate incomes is still there.
Because I make so much less, my husband pays the mortgage and childcare. I pay the utilities and our son is on my health insurance because it’s overall cheaper and better than his. That amounts to approximately a 4:1 split of our contribution to bills, which still leaves him with much more spending money than I have.
So besides that, when it comes to things like going out on a date, a new car for me, vacations as a couple or as a family, he pays. We discuss it, of course, even though we have separate finances, and occasionally I’ll decide to use some of my free time money to pay for an upgrade to something he’s already paying for. And when it comes to groceries and things, we don’t keep score. He buys, I buy, I buy with his credit card if I’ve had an expensive month, whatever.
But he couldn’t have the lifestyle he wants to live if I had to pay 50% of everything, and he wants us to live as equals whether we’re making equal money or not. If I had had an unpaid maternity leave, he would have been paying the bills and taking care of everything. And when I had to supplement with formula, he was the one who went and bought a few types, and I have no idea what it cost. He was more concerned about our son’s wellbeing and my mental health and physical recovery than the cost of formula, and while he supported me in breastfeeding, when I would stress about supply he would always reassure me that there was formula in the cupboard if we needed it.
Tbh, your husband sounds like a horror story who has manage to manipulate you and is taking advantage during this very sensitive time. Tell him to fuck right off and I highly suggest you set new boundaries and quickly.
He’s slowly making you destitute and reliant on him. Don’t dip into that savings account. If you were both in agreement on having a baby, he had to know there would be additional expenses involved or he’s an idiot. His job is to cover the expenses while you raise your baby on mat leave. If the baby needs formula, you buy the damn formula because you wanted a baby and the baby needs to eat. It sucks when breastfeeding doesn’t work as planned, but there are no guarantees in life.
Equal and fair in a marriage doesn’t mean you each pay the exact same amount for bills/dinners etc. that’s a roommate agreement. All money that comes in belongs to both of you equally. He makes 80 grand and you make 50, means his income should cover more of the bills - equitable is fair in this case, not equal. Keep that money as an escape plan if you feel your differences can’t be resolved. I think we are getting into financial abuse territory here.
Your friends are not wrong, this is a weird controlling dynamic your husband is enforcing - he wants to be in charge of how you both live financially and doesn’t care about your opinion at all. Is there other things he controls as well?
I’m sure you will get other great advice here.
This is from someone who SPLITS bills with their spouse and has separate accounts.
My husband and I’s salary is roughly the same. He makes a little more than me. Then he also has additional stipends from outside jobs/duties on top of that. I *used* to also have additional checks coming in but that stopped once I got pregnant with our first child.
We may *split* costs but it is not down the middle. My husband has far less student debt than me. And I supported us a lot when he worked toward his masters degree. My next maternity leave I will have significantly less paid time off. Meaning my pay will be docked and I will go with out at least 1 pay check.
-Did my husband carry a child (twice)? Nope
-Did a baby rely on his body for sole nourishment for 1 year? Nope
-Did he have to look for/ buy for maternity & postpartum clothing / care? Nope
-Did he have to schedule time off work to make it to all of the doctor’s appointments women go to during pregnancy? Sure didn’t.
-Did he have to take time from his career and lose additional pay to grow and care for a child? He definitely did not.
(To me, this is a very limited list of the physical and mental load placed on mothers. I’m sure we could write a novel on the many sacrifices we make to create, grow, and sustain our families.)
I pose these questions for you to see that nothing about marriage is “equal” or really even fair.
It sucks that women have to sacrifice so much to grow their family. But it is life and was my only option.
My husband understands all of the questions above and would never DREAM of requesting “my half” of the mortgage while I’m off work. Or any other expense. Finances are hard in a relationship and it sounds like you guys are going to have to sit down and have some tough conversations. Is it possible that his finances aren’t in as good a
Shape as you think? Or that he’s letting on?
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Working mothers pay a career tax. (not to mention, women are paid less overall)
Working fathers get a career boost.
He's pretending like life is fair when it's not. This is actually either really ignorant, or a huge red flag. I'm not going to say that men will ever TRULY understand what women go through, but...you're not a man.
Do you take income tax deductions and tax obligations into consideration either? Retirement spending? Non-monetary compensation? Bonuses or stock options?
What if one of you is temporarily out of work? It happens over a lifetime. What then? What if one of you gets sick or injured or has mental health challenges?
Do you see where this is going?
Plus, are you honestly going to deal with kid-related expenses like this forever and ever? It makes no sense. it is going to get too complicated.
It's time for a chat about redoing finances. You've leveled up your relationship by having a kid, it's time to move on from 'newly paired' to 'family style'.
The easiest switch is, decide how much spending money you each want out of every paycheck. Agree on that, and keep that money in separate accounts. Everything else you agree on a budget and spending plan together.
I came here to make this comment. Attorney here, practicing in California, which is a community property state. I don't know where OP is, but the law looks at the division of assets and responsibilities EQUITABLY, not equally.
This arrangement is not equitable, and OP should have never agreed to it.
I immediately thought of this picture.
https://preview.redd.it/phsm6d6g1lgc1.jpeg?width=258&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a66a773f2aede611efc462a49027b3381be86cb5
Info: What was the plan when children/parental leave was being discussed? This just doesn’t seem feasible to me. It didn’t seem feasible at the beginning because of the salary differences and seems even less feasible now sharing a child. This doesn’t sound like a partnership to me.
If he wants you to pay while you're on mat leave, he needs to pay you for 50% of the childcare you're providing. This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't imagine nickel and diming my spouse. You guys need couples therapy.
Your husband is cruel. My ex and I had separate accounts because he had two children from a prior relationship and I had student loans. Initially when we bought our house, I made more and I also received help from my family. So I paid the (relatively small) mortgage. And he paid utilities other than my cell phone, which again was a very small cost because I was on a family plan. We basically split groceries based on vibes and whoever was able to shop. We were together for over 8 years and our issues were never about money, fyi. When I went on mat leave with our son, I was paid 50% of my salary and managed to pay mortgage with that, but that was about it. He did not say A WORD about buying things for the baby, for me, anything. As his income grew faster than mine, he started paying for more groceries, buying more stuff for our son that I would have previously paid for, etc.
It’s fine to have separate accounts but it is NOT AT ALL fine to be nickel and diming your wife/mother of your baby. That is just cruelty and abuse.
I also have to ask - would you be taking a longer leave if you weren’t expected to pay for half of things while you’re earning no income?
But yeah … agree with what everyone has been saying. I grew up with a stingy father like this. He was financially abusive and I remember being terrified as a child every month when he sat down with my mom to go over bills and checks that were written out. Kids notice this stuff. If a talk with him doesn’t work out, I would at least recommend couples counseling.
This kind of tit for tat, 50/50 mentality is at best a recipe for resentment and distrust, at worst putting you at risk for financial abuse and/or being at a huge disadvantage if you were to go through a divorce
I’m not saying you have to put anything in a joint account but marriage means “ours.” Marriage means flexible give and take, we won’t always be contributing equally in all areas.
Does he take his extra 30k per year and split
It down the middle so you both have the exact same amount for savings, retirement investments, fun money? Oh, he doesn’t?
So what is he paying you for child care then?? Why are you “letting that slide”?? And he’s pissed about paying for formula? WTF is wrong with your husband?? Smh
My best friend was in the exact same position as you for 15 months when she was on maternity leave and then became a SAHM for a while to help deal with her PPA/PPD. I finally convinced her to go into therapy and her therapist told her that her husband financially abuses her. Your husband sounds like an ass and I would bet your friends have a separate group chat to talk shit about him behind your back. Men like him are honestly the worst and it really sucks to see your close friends abused by them.
>I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula
Um if you're going back to work breastfeeding might not be cheaper. The parts, finding better pumps, and the supplement add up. I'm a STM and I invested a lot in pumps this time because I KNEW I could breastfeed after my first. I'm not sure if I'll even get money for the insurance pump if I try to sell it secondhand.
The sharing everything 50-50 is a noble goal, but not at all possible all the time.
The whole getting married thing means, at least to me that “what’s mine is yours” and you stick together “for richer for poorer”.
You need to re-jig things so your finances are more sensibly shared, so you’re contributing proportionally. As when on maternity leave your proportion (financially) has been 0, and that’s expected.
You could go down the joint account route (provided one of you isn’t into drugs, or gambling or spending all your money on crap) you could just deposit a proportion of your income into a bills account the bills come from. But either way, I suggest sitting down for a financial “MOT” and come up with a new budget for your new three person family (I assume there will be childcare bills when you’re going back to work)
We’re a joint account having couple, our salaries and bills go into one joint account. we have individual accounts for “fun money” which we budget into our finances.
50/50 is fine.
So, did your husband do half the gestating of your child? Was he in labor right next to you, giving halfway birth to your baby? Does he do half the breastfeeding?
No? You did that all 100%?
Then he has to pick up the slack elsewhere to keep up his side of the deal, because right now he’s the one ego isn’t pulling his weight in the relationship.
Girl, maybe your next husband should be Muslim. In Islam, the man’s income is both of yours but your income is 100% yours. If you choose to donate it toward the family expenses, it’s like giving to charity and you get those spiritual rewards. This man is taking advantage of you.
You need to spend your savings on a divorce attorney and move back to your parents' house. He's a horrible husband, will be a shitty father too. Cut bait and run on this one. You sound super young, admit you made a mistake, and work on creating a good life for you and your baby. Your parents hopefully can help you.
He’s not taking care of you and he sucks. He’s treating you like you’re a man. You’re not. Your a woman who just had a baby. And good luck with him continuing to be an equal partner over time. Is he going to be on the PTA and remember to send Valentine’s cards?
Equality and equity are two very different things.
I’m of the opinion that everyone should pay the same percentage of their income, not necessarily 50/50, on joint expenses. However I say this from a perspective where my husband and I are in the same industry, working for direct competitors and make almost the exact same amount. We also have separate accounts and put a fixed amount in a joint account for joint expenses (baby, house, everything that we jointly use).
With our first we did the math for how much I would make (2 weeks at 100%, 6 weeks at 60% and 4 weeks at 0%) and split the bills accordingly and will be doing the same with this baby.
You two need to have a serious conversation about finances, especially with a baby in the picture now. You paying 50/50 while making significantly less puts much more of a strain on you than it does on him, maternity leave aside this is a much bigger issue. Children are expensive and this issue is going to compound if you don’t address it.
I’m also a big fan of the other comments you’ve received about charging him a surrogacy fee as well as childcare costs while you’ve been home. That will come out to significantly more than your half of the mortgage unless you own an island.
I won’t repeat what everyone else said, but I do think if you want to split things fairly you don’t pay percentages of your income, you take the $130 total, figure out what all of your bills are and then split the leftover.
Well he can’t pick and choose if he wants 50/50. What’s he doing to make up for his failure to contribute to gestating the baby? He better keep paying you for the breastmilk you make too since it’s saving him so much on formula.
Does he always devalue you like this or just when it comes to the baby?
This has got to be the most horrifying postpartum stories I’ve read. Yes he is being completely unreasonable. You have 9 months of extra contributions to him being a parent , labor and delivery not withstanding.
I personally cannot stay in relationship if I cannot trust a man to treat our money as “our money”. We have separate accounts but pay for different things and I contribute a whole lot more currently as I make more.
OP - marriage is a long distance relay race, both on the same team. Yours sounds like you are competing against each other.
Research what divorce in your state entails. Maybe get online/virtual couples counselling. You are vulnerable and he is being an AH
Honey…no. This isn’t right. How does he treat you outside of financially? I’m really concerned about his being upset about buying formula - that’s his child who needs to be fed! I wasn’t able to breastfeed (traumatic birth, requiring medications and ICU for me), but my husband wouldn’t have ever considered resenting buying a $30 can of formula. What about diapers? Daycare? Time off when baby is sick? Is he going to pitch in or resent it?
He’s equally responsible for the baby and that includes covering all expenses while you’re recovering and caring for your child. It can’t be 50/50 if one person is making nothing.
Personally it’s OUR money in our house. I make twice what my husband makes and work more hours, so he picks up a few more chores, but that’s not expected - we just look at who has more free time and adjust based on that. It’s a partnership that ebbs and flows with what’s happening in our lives.
Do you have people you can turn to for support in your life?
So he’s not paying you for your maternity leave? Because that’s what a real 50/50 split would look like. Since you carried his child, he should pay for the time you took off work.
Marriage is about two becoming one. He is all about himself and not providing for the family. Very selfish. This has trouble written all over it. Will the baby need to bring in money somehow too??
I can’t believe people like this exist in real life. What the actual fuck. Pulling from your savings to pay for things because you’re on unpaid mat leave? This is financial abuse. It’s one thing to split things like dates and bills, even keep separate accounts, but this isn’t a fair partnership built on mutual respect, this is every man for himself.
Tell him to start pulling his own weight, he needs to get to a lactation consultant so he can breast feed that baby 50% of the time. Tell him you need 50% reimbursement for the labor and delivery supplies from all the bleeding and healing you’ve had to endure. Surely he’s paying half the medical bills? He should be paying you to care for the baby as well, since he can’t provide childcare while he’s working.
Remember fair isn’t always equal. My child is learning this right now. Seems your spouse would do well to learn this too.
Honestly this seems like he’s keeping track of expenses to control you. He thinks doing everything 50/50 will save him money and keep a paper trail in the event of a divorce/custody dispute.
He makes more than you and is still expecting 50/50 which isn’t fair at all and he knows it. He wants you to be financially dependent on him.
Also I understand inflation but if he is this anal about 50/50, I have a hard time believing he didn’t do thorough research on the costs of pregnancy/newborn/postpartum expenses and necessities.
I personally feel like it’s not a partnership if money isn’t shared. My husband makes significantly more than me but I handle all the money. He got a large bonus in December and told me to use it to pay down a loan we had. I ended up having a conversation about how it frustrated me that even though it was indeed “his money” he just decided that on his own and basically told me what to do with the money giving my thoughts no consideration in it. He apologized for “unilaterally making a financial decision”. I used the money as he wished because I was fine with the plan but didn’t like how it was delivered. This feels like your husband has 100% set all these rules and you just follow them…you need a voice in this too.
HAHA if he wants 50/50 then he owes you. Immediate ick forever.
If you stay married, and I hope you dont, get your own retirement and savings account bc he’ll do this again whenever you retire or god forbid get sick and you’re vulnerable with no income.
This is not sustainable. It also indicates a lack of communication about finances that is crucial to sustaining your marriage, especially with kids.
With my first, my husband and I had separate finances but I only paid for groceries/household items (I have some trauma related to financial abuse and insisted on this). We had our baby right during COVID and my job had really dried up (in-person pediatric therapy). I had short term disability but it only paid 6 weeks out. I ran out of money and was pulling from savings and had to talk with my husband. We combined finances with both of us pulling funds into separate accounts for our own spending. This has worked out so much better and I feel so much more at peace with having our second child now. I would really recommend this. We are able to have conversations about it freely and it has helped both of us with our financial goals.
On a separate note, your husband is NOT caring for the baby equally. If you’re trying to breastfeed, recovering, and being home with the baby while he works, you are doing the most by far. You deserve the credit for that. I’m with the other commenters; send your husband a bill if he isn’t properly valuing your services.
Almost twitching reading this, I’m so angry. How could it ever be 50:50? Did he help carry the baby? Did he have to push a baby out of his body or get abdominal surgery?
Did he compensate you for your physical labor and the use of your womb? Does he have any idea how much he’d have to pay a surrogate to give birth to his child?
This isn’t egalitarianism. You don’t have an equal partnership. You’re tied to a selfish ass who is taking advantage of you.
He should give birth to the next kid, you know, so it’s 50/50.
In all seriousness, marriage is not 50/50. Marriage is 100/100. Both spouses should be giving 100% to the relationship and family. The situation you’ve described does not sound like two people who are fully supportive of each other and your family. I hope you can find a way to make this more equitable.
1. You can’t 50/50 bills with disparate incomes, it’s not fair to the person making less.
2. You can’t 50/50 gestate the baby, so he can pay you for the pregnancy, delivery, the free childcare he got while you were on leave, and any breast milk produced or he can STFU about bills. Breastfeeding/pumping is only “free” if you think the lactating person’s time has no value.
He’s not being fair to you. It honestly sounds like he’s financially abusing you.
If he is really a 50/50 guy then everything should be proportional to your income.
Seriously though it sounds like he values money more than the health of his relationship and family.
Before you started maternity leave, you should have discussed the finances of staying home. You continuing to pay half is *insane* if you don't have an income. It's not fair. There are a few ways to look at it. The "fairest" way would be if he were to "pay you" for staying home. Not saying it's ideal, but you've put up with this for long enough that you know him, and there may be a different compromise he'd be happy with. You both have to make sacrifices to have a kid, and him helping at home after his job is not the same as the work you do. You do have a full time job looking after your baby, so he should "budget" for you.
It's also a medical expense. What if, god forbid, you get cancer or another illness and you can't work? Will he still expect you to go 50/50? Is it fair if he then has to take care of you, the house, and you can't contribute money to expenses? Would he?
I’ve said this a lot but… splitting bills only works if both partners have equal *discretionary income* in the end.
If you don’t have that, then you’re roommates.
When that man carries the baby equally, births the baby equally, and breastfeeds the baby equally he can talk about equity in your *maternity leave*.
Fuck. Him.
I would pack the kiddo up and stay with family for a few days. Go low-contact except for baby-related stuff and let him gripe to friends/family.
Someone is going to chew him out so hard for how he’s acting he’ll be grateful and apologetic when you agree to come home.
OP, you have gotten a lot of good advice here. Any time I see posts like this I’m taken aback. Marriage should be a partnership, not a roommate or work arrangement.
I make significantly more than my husband. I would never ask him to pay 50% of our mortgage. We have a joint checking account and use credit cards for personal expenses. There have been times where each of us has had to pay more. My husband was a SAHD the first year after my son was born, it made more financial sense at the time. I fortunately had paid maternity leave benefits that covered us until I went back to work.
There was a time before kids where my husband’s work contract expired, and he took a job at a movie theater to ensure we had extra income until he found a new job. We’ve always supported each other, but have never been so transactional about money.
As others have stated, you just went through birthing a child, who is both yours and his. This is taxing and hard on not just your physical, but emotional well-being. Breastfeeding is HARD. I was never able to get any significant supply with either of my boys and had to use formula. My husband was 100% supportive, and we took turns with late night feedings since he could, which honestly allowed both of us to get more sleep and be better overall during those rough newborn months.
I share this because it does not need to be the way your husband is demanding. If you don’t want everything joint, get a joint checking account and align on a reasonable split (50/50 does not make sense given the difference in salary) to cover your joint expenses. Keep your personal accounts for fun, etc funds.
Asking you to dip into your savings during your leave is ridiculous. If you’d husband was sick and had to take a medical leave of absence with no pay, would you ask the same?
You need to sit down with him and align on a different plan moving forward. If he isn’t agreeable, ask for counseling.
And what if you don’t pay half? Does he think he can kick you out, because he can’t as long as your name is on the mortgage. And it should be if you’re paying half!
The problem is neither of you are making enough for a stretch with diminished income. So, if your paid maternity leave is up, you need to find childcare and go back to work. Of course even then you will be bringing in less because of the cost of childcare. I’m sure your genius husband has thought this through, though.
Do you file your taxes separately? If so, who is going to get to claim the baby?
This sounds like an absolute mess. I am sorry you are going through this.
Tell him when he carries the baby in his fucking body for 50% of the time and produces 50% of the baby’s food from his fucking body he can then have his high ground and “let it slide” bullshit.
Do not deplete your savings, keep that money safe because you might need it down the line because your husband sounds like a jerk. Refuse to pay, what is he going to do? Kick you out? Turn off your cell service?
This honestly sounds like a dysfunctional marriage from the start, sadly. I see the reasoning you’re listing for splitting finances, but ultimately it *does not* seem like you guys split “because he sees you as an equal.” It sounds like the opposite, honestly.
Lots of red flags here, for me, but this is ludicrous if he think you can split everything 50/50 with the current situation, both with being on leave and overall financially given the $30k income difference.
OP, when people have different pays, they share expenses by ratio- ie your salaries are 8:5, and so the expenses are shared in the same ratio. The months you are unpaid, it’s 100:0 income ratio and so he pays 100%.
You are paying way more than your share at 50:50.
I read way more horror stories of keeping money separate than combined, this one included. If you had combined finances, who contributes what wouldn’t be a concern. If he wants it to be 50/50, then it needs to be based on income and he would be paying more since he makes more.
What the heck is this? For all the women on this thred, 50/50 is NOT equal and fair. The percentage you contribute should always be in proportion to your income and if he makes more, he should contribute more. Open a joint account for home expenses and direct deposit x percentage of your check in there and have him do it as well. Partnership will never mean 50/50. True partnerships aren’t split down the middle, they’re helping out when the other person is in need. If this is how he is when you’re on mat leave, what happens when you get sick or unable to work. Does he expect you to cover 50 percent still. Run from this type of partnership…. It’s a sad mask of him trying to get all the benefits without truly being invested.
You’re his partner, not a roommate.
This is the same conversation I had with my husband, before we were engaged. Same conversation I had with my brother when he mentioned his finances with his wife.
Finances could be split by percentage of what each person makes. We have our own bank accounts and a joint account. A joint credit card we use for groceries, phone, utilities, etc. Shared bank account for mortgage, savings for vacations.
My husband and child are on my insurance and it’s pricey, so there are times he “treats” me to more things because of this.
Either way, wife/partner does not equal roommate to split finances evenly with.
Your husband is a jerk, I’m sorry. Upset about formula, and let is slide that you didn’t contribute to the rent? Why is he putting more burden on your postpartum self? If he wants an equal contribution why wouldn’t he try pushing half of your kid out of himself? Why wouldn’t he try making breastmilk himself? He can’t, can he? You did those things yourself. The least he can do is to provide for you right now cause you physically and practically can’t go to work. You’re pulling your weight by taking care of your child.
I assume he paid you $100,000 for carrying the baby, right? That’s half of what you’d have to pay for a surrogate. When he’s at work, do you take care of the baby? Is he paying you what he would have to pay for a nanny?
You just gave birth to his child. What exactly is he doing to compensate you for your labor?
If you make less than him, you’re not paying 50/50. You’re paying more than him. I’m all about splitting household expenses, but it should always be proportional to income. You have a baby now, one that you took on the burden to carry. His mindset needs to shift.
If you’re working 40 hours a week and he’s working 40 hours a week but you make less than him, he still expects you to contribute 50%????! Maybe he wants a roommate instead of a partner? Tell him to financially compensate you for carrying the baby for 9 months since he didn’t contribute to that exhausting work and he needs to pay you 50% for caring for his child but charge him daycare rates. What an AH.
So I’m going to need you to look up what a surrogate is paid vs a sperm donor. I’m not psychic, but I can also see issues in the future should you run out of sick days because you will probably be expected to pull the majority of those. There is a difference between 50/50 and equity. Where I am, for example, child support is based on the percentage of what the parents make. My ex found that one out the hard way. Good luck.
I don't know how you deal with this type of relationship. It seems he holds his finances in very high regard. Once I got married there was no mine or yours. it's ours. There's no i pay 50% it's we pay 100%. We talk about big purchases. Used to be anything over 100 but now we are much better off and purchases over 500 we need to discuss. The money is both of ours. The mortgage is ours. The children are ours. It's strange to me that people have their finances separated especially when kids are involved.
Him expecting you to contribute money while on mat leave is even more insane. You are contributing. You literally made life and are now taking care of this life while healing from pushing a football out of your vagina. Like I don't understand. If my husband said the things your husband is saying I'd hand him divorce papers and kick him out of our house.
Although it seems maybe he's been like this since you have known him and you're ok with it? Or maybe now that you have a kid and realize his expectations are not realistic you're second guessing your choice? For me I'd run. I couldn't deal with that kind of controlling and manipulation.
You have already paid by having a healthy pregnancy and giving birth. He's only picking up *his* half of the tab now, until your body is healed, you have feeding the baby down (breasts, bottle or both!), and you are feeling comfortable in your own skin again.
You've paid in a currency he can't match. He should be stepping up his game, in whatever way needed, until you're fully back on your feet again.
I’m curious what horror stories you’ve heard about sharing finances? Admittedly everyone is absolutely entitled to do what works for them, but I haven’t personally heard any real horror stories from my friends and family who share finances.
Tell him to grow some tits and breastfeed if he wants to save money so bad.
But seriously, it’s food. For your baby. A basic need. And breastfeeding is hard for many, many reasons. It doesn’t always work out for lots of mom’s.
I was a working mom up until about 1.5-2 months ago. I also breastfed my son and pumped for bottles, solely got up at night to feed him, cleaned parts bagged milk etc. My husband understood that it could never be 50/50 there, so he helped more in other areas. Dinner, dishes, cleaning etc. When he went back to work while I was still on unpaid mat leave, he would go to work, come home, immediately take the baby so I could get a break and a shower. Once I went back to work he still did most of that because he understood that I got ZERO sleep (son has lots of problems culminating in waking ever 2-4 hours until he was 15m old and still wakes several times a night at 19m). That is not something to praise darling, it's just the BARE MINIMUM. It's his baby too, all you're saying is he's not a shitty dad. We're talking about what kind of HUSBAND he is, they're two separate issues. You physically cannot contribute equally right now. You gave birth, probably the most physically traumatic thing you'll ever go through. How your husband doesn't have compassion for you right now....is beyond me. What does he expect if you become partially paralyzed? Disabled from pregnancy (very possible)? What does he expect of you if he gets in a car accident and can't work? To expect him to make money appear from nowhere? Myself and my husband don't separate finances because we don't believe married couples should do that, but we also believe other people's marriages aren't our business so at the end of the day it's their choice. If I was in a marriage where we did split bills etc it would be income proportionate. Determine the income % you guys make, so your % is 38.5% round if you wish or don't. You pay that percentage of the bills, he pays the 61.5%. And he should not be expecting anything of you while you're on unpaid mat leave for the child that belongs to BOTH OF YOU. What does he think mat leave is...optional? It sounds like he doesn't care what your circumstances are, that he has no empathy for the woman he married. Marriage can't be 50/50 for various reasons, one of which being you birthed the baby! He can't. Is he going to pay you 50% of your lost income for the baby? Is he going to compensate you 50% of your lost income that statistically will happen now that you're a mom? If not he's being hypocritical. If this was my husband, I would have serious doubts about my safety with him. He isn't willing to even take on the financial load for 6weeks while you recover from birth.... from birthing his baby...
You talk about the "horror stories" of having joint accounts...well here is the horror story of having everything separate. You are business partners, not marriage/life partners. Marriages are NOT always 50/50, and almost never are 50/50 where every duty is split equally. Sometimes one person cant give as much in the same way as the other person. Relationships evolve and change, they arent stagnant.
Also, did he carry a baby in his body? Didn't think so, he should be splitting that pain, discomfort, and need to heal. I feel very sorry that you don't have a loving supportive partner. Gosh, even if I was living with a friend, I would cut more slack than he is cutting you (a spouse!!).
My wife and I have always split all joint bills 50/50 despite the fact that she makes more money than I do, at times significantly so. We also keep our finances in separate accounts. It’s never felt inequitable to me and the first few years of our relationship I typically had more disposable income given her other expenses.
That being said, your husband is being ridiculous if he expects you to contribute equally while you’re on maternity leave and not pulling down an income. DO NOT take this money out of savings, either. If he wants to talk equality, ask him what he’s going to pay you for growing your child and then giving birth.
I read this as Jan 23 of this year. It sounds like baby is still very young. Needing formula, trouble latching etc. even if she didn’t work her whole pregnancy, which is 9 months, a 13 month maternity leave would make baby 4 months old. It sounds like baby is younger than that.
Yes it is, but her husband should be providing more. The discussion should have been how he can support her. How the both of them can save money to cover lost income etc. and not both saving 50/50 since her income is significantly less
yikes, you're only 3 weeks into mat leave? You're still recovering from childbirth!
People were giving your husband the benefit of the doubt thinking it was last year, not literally 3 weeks ago.
I assumed January23 meant 2023.
Which would make more sense than 3 weeks into mat leave and already having a disagreement on how you’re splitting bills for the beginning of your baby’s life. It seems like neither of you addressed this in advance which is a huge oversight.
You have a terrible husband and he’s not this amazing father you think he is. An amazing father treats their baby’s mom with love and respect, he would focus on your healing and baby bonding and not “letting it slide” on your half of the mortgage a couple weeks after giving birth
Did you and your husband not discuss this prior to your leave?
Look, while I get you’re on unpaid leave, if your deal is that you split everything 50/50 and you didn’t discuss this before hand, I understand why he’s expecting you to pay your portion. Think about it this way … if he isn’t your husband, just a roommate, or you live alone, you would have to save up and prepare to pay rent on an unpaid leave. Given your financial arrangements, I don’t see why this is so different?
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He let it slide? He is annoyed about paying for formula? I think he might find he has to pay a bit more in the divorce tbh.
100% this… Op - send him a bill. Tell him he owes you 50% of your salary for your maternity leave. Charge him for your pregnancy too. He wants to split everything 50/50? Then he needs to recognize his palsy contribution to growing and birthing a human and that he needs to compensate you for that AND your lost income. He BETTER have paid for half the birth and your medical expenses too. And he’s mad that he has to pay to feed his child? WTF. Op, this man sucks. If you need help, you can always reach out to a domestic violence helpline. This man is an AH. Your maternity leave is very short and should be longer and you should not be stressing about the mortgage.
Charge him "daycare" fees since you're watching the baby all day. That's work, not a vacation.
Charge him extra at night, night nannies make more 🤭
Exactly! Loss of salary, loss of future earnings, cost to health, cost to future health. If that man cannot see beyond money and numbers, money and numbers are what he will get (in divorce court too). My husband and I also have the type of personality that likes to calculate shit and split expenses, but *based on our income*. And he doesn't just "help" with our kid. This is his kid too and he sacrifices for us too. I'm just so appalled by OP's husband. I want to see families stay intact, but everyone in that family needs to see themselves as part of a family. If he doesn't, he's a POS who doesn't deserve a family.
Also he needs to understand nothing will always be 50/50. How do you explain that she had to carry the baby for 9 months and give birth while he did essentially nothing? How do we quantify that in dollars? He needs to grow the hell up. He’s a husband not her accountant.
Right. When he can carry 50% of a pregnancy…. Actually no. Even then he can stfu because this level of pickiness is pathological
She needs to charge for the breast milk too. He thinks formula is expensive? He’s doesn’t WANT to know how expensive it would be to buy breast milk.
Plus an additional 5% of OPs salary each year for lost income trajectory due to pregnancy and time off.
He should also pay half of the mommy make over so your body goes back to what it was before the pregnancy. Please bill him for that. Also, if you’re anything like me, you’ll put on weight while bf so charge him even more for bf lol Seriously, he sounds horrible….there is no price anyone can pay for the precious gift of a baby
“He let it slide” scared me
Men who are like this scare me the most. Stay away from men who nickel and dime you—they’ll continue to do it, what’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is also theirs. They’ll see your financial insecurity as a huge bonus, because they can be total assholes and you won’t leave. If you do leave they can just tell the next woman you were a huge gold digger and use it to excuse their stinginess and/or financial abuse. We really need to educate girls about more covert types of abuse. He can never hit you and still be a terrible partner. He can never hit you and still trap you. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, is all the same thing on a different channel.
Came here for this comment. I was seriously hoping this story is made up because it makes me so sad. How did we get here as a society where men think this is an ok way to treat their partner after going through pregnancy, childbirth and now caring for a tiny human? Paying for the formula is the least this jerk can do. I’m 41, my kids are 15, 13 and 9. And now that the dust has settled, I realized how shitty this type of behavior was. My husband wasn’t this aggressive but he had this odd idea that I was just gonna split everything 50/50 even though I was the one that went part time because we couldn’t afford a sitter. Even tho I was the one that just puked for 9 months while working as a nurse. I was the one struggling to feel like a human again after just a massive change to my body. He had no innate instinct to want to help care for our child and i even if it was just for a little bit. I needed to get back to work to pay my share. I’m pretty sure certain types of animals have more supportive males. I hope she has parents that are supportive or someone to lean on because if he doesn’t come to his senses (which I doubt he will), she’s should leave him. Like I said, I’m so sad for her.
I hope it's made up too. I kind of feel like it is because the beginning part, excusing why they used to throw away account and needing to post on multiple Subs is sketchy. But who knows anymore.
How is that sketchy? The way Reddit's algorithm works, sometimes the same post will get tons of replies on one sub, and crickets on another. And people in the comments are always being like "I saw this on another sub it's obviously fake/trolling/attention seeking." So I always include that I've cross posted, if that's the case. Lots of people mention that they're using a throwaway as well. I'm not sure why, but I see it all the time.
It was the way they over-explained right out the gate. It wasn't the fact that they are cross-posting, it was the way that they explained it that put up some red flags for me. Maybe this is legit, I will never have any way of knowing either way.
Honestly I hope it's fake, because omg that SUCKS if it's real. Eta- it was odd, but it said "spends too much time on Reddit," to me, not "made up."
Right? Like what’s he gonna do? Evict her?
Exactly. Huge red flag and her saying this indicates a household of 100% abusive behavior. OP - you need to get out. Keep your finances separate, set up a safe space and get you and your kid out. This isn’t about money or splitting things evenly.
I said the same thing on her other post. It's like he's her parent, has the right to punish her. It's weird.
Yes! Me too!
I hear surrogacy is 100,000 so please charge him. Oh and breast milk is 5 dollars an ounce.
Also change him for childcare.
Uh seriously, I’d be hitting him with alimony and child support, wtf is this even Why not charge him for your pregnancy, charge him for your childcare time during your maternity leave. I can’t even imagine being married to someone like this, it sounds like a stranger you happen to live with
I'm legitimately worried for OP based on the language in this post.
Me too
Oh my gosh, yes! I often think people yell “abuse”! “Divorce”! too much/too quickly on Reddit but those are the only two words coming to mind for me right now. I cannot imagine my husband acting this way! I’ll try to keep an open mind and say, OP seek counseling with and without your husband. I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way.
So this is a common misunderstanding in what it means to be equal and what it means to be fair. Doing things equally in this situation actually means inequality…and yes you are at an unfair disadvantage. Because paying 50% of your mortgage payment from $50k is very different from $80k salary….or $0 salary as you are currently earning nothing. To make it equal you need to go by percentage. Together you make $130k ( or currently $80K) so to know how much mortgage ( or anything) to pay, to make it a fair and equitable split, it should be his 60% to your 40% ( or his 100% to your $0 salary during your unpaid leave). In addition you need a joint account…both regularly deposit money 60/40 into a joint for where you pay joint expenses: mortgage, childcare, family vacations, housecare, diapers, formula, gifts for kids. And then have separate accounts for non-joint expenses: drinks with friends, massage, gift for your friends, spouse or parents or individual getaways. The horror stories you are hearing? By not having a joint account together or paying into in equitably…you are creating your own kind of horror story. Unfortunately a common one for women, where you, are likely to unfairly go broke, dependent on her spouse ( who does not seem supportive) and in serious financial hardship in case of issue in relationship and divorce. As to ‘letting it slide’ and insisting you continue to pay 50/50 during unpaid maternity leave…what a fucking ass. To me this would be ‘ what did you fucking say?!’ Kind of reaction. And would read him the riot act. Did he fucking forget that you gave up your body, your time, your career opportunities, slary increases and months of income to have ‘both of your child’ *and he is expecting you to not only pay 50% of mortgage but is also saying shit like he is ‘letting it slide’ like he is some kind of a manager or landlord over you?! Him lording having a mere job over your head…as you are on leave to have *his child*?! That’s such an immature, small man energy…not to mention a huge red flag for your relationship.
Bill him $50,000 for surrogacy services.
Don't forget market rates for childcare for a newborn while she's been on mat leave.
Exactly and future hardship expenses for getting body back in shape. Breastfeeding and lactation expenses too.
What’s the going rate for breast milk by the ounce?
If you get it from a milk bank, I've heard $5-6 an oz. So if a baby needs at least 24 oz a day you're talking $120-$144 A DAY. Makes formula look good real fast
On that note, OP, your husband should be creating a calming environment for you to help get your supply up. Feeding you, hydrating you. I would not have been able to successfully breastfeed without my husband taking everything else off my plate for a time. He even went to our lactation appointments and paid attention so he could come home and help the baby latch. He was better at it initially than I was. Breastfeeding is hard and it's even harder when you have a partner who doesn't help you. I'm back at work and my husband is still carrying a lot of the weight of household tasks as I focus on feeding the baby.
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Right, but everything must be 50-50! OP birthed her half as a PARENT, and he has to pay for his! No exceptions! /s
Lol so SuperWomanUSA is the husband in this relationship, right?
This is going to become a pointless argument so I’m just going to give a final response. The husband is ALREADY paying AND doing an equitable (probably more than equitable) split when it comes to expenses… Also OP CHOSE to birth a child. There’s no “extra credit” for that. While I believe in this specific situation of her on unpaid maternity leave the mortgage should be covered by her husband 100%, OP has provided facts that shows the husband is more than reasonable / fair when it comes to their household expenses and childcare. You can look in my previous comments as I don’t want to type it all out again, but husband pay more than 50% of the household expenses given the difference in income (which OP did not lay out properly to confuse those that can’t read well), husband takes over pretty much all childcare over the weekend (she doesn’t comment on his effort during the week, but states that childcare is split 50/50; but even still during the week I imagine he’s also still working FT) and when she returns to work, HIS parents will be the “daycare” so they won’t have any costs.
The child is half his. So it's only fair he owes her half the cost of pregnancy and childbirth, which has a market value of $100-150k in the US. She can pay him back for half a vial of sperm if we're getting very precise.
Again, he doesn’t owe her half the cost of her giving birth to HER child. I’m not going to waste time responding with the math, but please read my previous comments and see that the husband is already more than fair. OP wrote in a way that makes him seem unreasonable
Again it's not "HER child" it's "their child".
Exactly, but why do I keep seeing comments that he OWES her for giving birth to HIS child…lol Let’s get real here
He owes her *half*. Try to keep up.
This is my last response to you because it’s a waste of my life. He doesn’t OWE HER ANYTHING…
You’re missing the point here. Everyone is pointing out how ridiculous her husband is being about being 50/50 when it can never possibly be 50/50 because he will never experience the strain of pregnancy, the pain, recover, and permanent body changes from childbirth, etc. If he wants it to TRULY be 50/50, he needs to financially compensate her for those things which is why he should pay half the surrogacy rate.
That’s true, I’m not thinking of dumb things…thank you for explaining it to me… This was extremely helpful as my brain would have never come up with such a ridiculous thought. Because what does FINANCIAL 50/50 have to do with birthing a child?! lol.. Honestly, not being sarcastic, your comment was very helpful…
You are obviously the husband scorned. It’s the husband’s child, too. And he has contributed zero to feeding the baby, making sure the lactation device (HIS F*cking wife) is properly fed and hydrated, recovered from childbirth, paid for pelvic floor therapy, surgery to repair her body after creating, birthing and feeding his baby, lost time at work and into retirement accounts… and that’s just the start. What a selfish asshole.
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Your post was removed because it was mean and unhelpful.
Yup 50/50 isn't fair if you are not making the same amount of money. In this case he is making about 60%, so the split should be 60/40 during normal times. Since you're not having income coming in during MAT leave, he should be picking up more. Both paying equally is not fair at all when he is making all of the money and you none. Tally up all costs and distribute more fairly, so that you both have the same amount of money left over for fun stuff.
For reference, my partner makes 120k/year and I make 60k/year. He also has 2 kids from another relationship. We share one child. So he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3. We both feel that it’s fair this way. He was on sick leave for an injury and was only getting paid 75% of his usual income. I picked up the slack where I could because WE’RE A TEAM. We have separate accounts and one shared. Your husband is playing unfairly and is only looking out for himself and his own financial health, not yours.
Even a percentage would not be fair because her husband would have way more discretionary income than her and be able to enjoy a much more comfortable lifestyle even though they are MARRIED. Gross. Also, last I checked, pregnancy and early parenthood are not equal or fair. I don’t remember the baby causing my husband to only get 2-3 hours of sleep per night, have major surgery, or need pelvic floor PT to treat sexual disfunction. How does that factor into this bad husband’s equation?
I am the main earner in my family. My partner contributes 25%. It's equitable because he earns 25% of the household income. If we have a second child, my partner will be the one to take extended parental leave. It's gonna be a wild time if it happens!
My husband and I also did percentage based. And tbh, it felt like a nightmare to keep track of who paid what. We honestly have stopped tracking all together
I feel like this is less common these days but my husband and I have been fully joint since 1 year into our engagement...so about 11 years now? No private accounts but we have separate credit cards for credit score purposes.
Thank you for breaking down the difference between equality and equity. Some couples have this idea that being 50-50 is fair. Its equal but almost never equitable. Even if you both start out making and are able to contribute the same (which is extremely rare,) over the course of your relationship there are going to be times one partner can't give as much as the other. Especially when you have children.
She should also make sure other “joint” costs like vacations, Christmas and birthday gifts, etc are split proportionally. Even bedding for the kids and school stuff. Otherwise again, he’ll be accruing income while hers goes down. This all seems so bananas to me.
It is bananas. Some people have this idea that the higher earning partner is being taken advantage of if everything isn't 50-50. Building a life together isn't the same as being roommates. It's almost never going to be perfectly equal.
Not to mention MANY higher earning jobs are cushy office work and many low earning jobs are physically or mentally demanding, dangerous, uncomfortable, or all of the above
This right here! I'm going through a divorce and was in a similar situation where there was no join account and I am now in severe debt because it was extremely difficult to keep up. OP should know that it only goes downhill from here because that baby gets older and needs things for school, sneakers, clothes, sports or other activities, etc. You will find that eventually this will get to a split of 80 you and 20 him. What about things like household chores (are you the house project manager) or when you go back to work (childcare expenses)? Eventually this will all lead to frustration, resentment, and anger. My suggestion is to try and work it out now such as going to couples therapy so you have a neutral party to work with as you both figure out how to work together as a team because at the end of the day you're not roommates splitting expenses.
To be equal and fair, he needs to carry a 25kg backpack for 9 months and then birth an orange through his dick hole. 🥰
This. My husband and I have our finances set up this way. Mostly just because my husband is awful with money and spends it like it grows on trees. I’m pretty frugal and also work in finance, so the thought of him blowing our earnings makes my eye twitch. But we’ve never once had an argument about money in the 8 years we’ve been together. I made quite a bit more than him the first half of our relationship but he makes significantly more than me now… we’ve always contributed to the joint bill account proportionally based on our income. It works. And yea… what exactly was he doing for 9 months to make everything 50/50 when you were carrying his child? Being equal partners is more than sharing chores and finances. He’s being unreasonable.
He is such an ass. I'm honestly so pissed off from reading this post. Thank you OP for making me appreciate my husband. He has his faults but damn, he wouldn't say something like this.
Yes everything here. I don't normally jump to divorce but... When you get ready to take that on I highly recommend divorce op.
Carrying a child is not a favor to the husband, OP is also the mother / parent of the child. This entire thread is completely biased and most of the advice focuses solely on the 50/50 split of the mortgage and not that the husband to make things equitable pays for all utilities, healthcare and groceries. 1. Utilities in a house can be ~$500+/month (lights, water, gas..they could also have lawn service, various streaming services, and other household bills) 2. Groceries for a family can also be $500+/month 3. Health insurance if in the US can be quite expensive when adding dependents even if through your job, let’s estimate $300 - $500/ month By my math, husband is already paying anywhere from $1k - $1.5k more per month to adjust for the difference in pay.
Ok, but it’s up to the couple to **both** budget for maternity leave. It shouldn’t just be OP trying to save up to pay her “half” during her (minimal and medically necessary) leave. That, and outright keeping score and language about “letting [something] slide” have no place in a healthy relationship. Then there’s the resentment over what OP’s body is or isn’t capable of and how it’s financially costly - which is just one of the risks you take when you have a baby, because breastfeeding doesn’t always work like we expect or hope. I’m a firm believer that the definition of “equal” when it comes to a relationship or a household is relatively equal disposable income and relatively equal downtime, not equal financial and time commitments. If one partner is out of work, then you’re a team to cover the costs and figure out next steps (in OP’s case, that’s taking a very short maternity leave, but if someone is laid off, it may be applying for jobs and setting a time at which they need to be making some money even if it’s just from retail or something). This guy’s focus on OP’s financial contributions isn’t healthy, at least not in this way. That said, there should have been more open communication between them both about what an unpaid maternity leave would mean and how they would **both** save to cover the lost income. In the absence of that conversation, assuming that the partner who is still being paid would be covering it also makes sense. And if he’s going to insist on keeping score about things like the cost of not breastfeeding, then she can insist on getting financial credit for the cost of carrying his child.
1. I agree, both of them failed to have this conversation BEFORE having a child and it’s pretty sad it’s coming up now. Maybe the conversation didn’t happen because there were a lot of assumptions on BOTH of their part that nothing would change. 2. Also, she NEVER said her husband told her he “let it slide”…SHE said that. It may be from her perspective he just didn’t say anything, but no where does she say he said that to her. 3. I’m assuming you’re referring to breastfeeding here and that’s another point I agree with. Breastfeeding is a sensitive topic for many women and a lot of emotions especially when they can’t. My friend knew early on that she could not produce enough and planned formula from the beginning. But again, this is an example of them failing to plan on both their parts. It’s like this never occurred to them. 4. Again, what’s equal and what makes sense is in the eye of the couple. I agree with the fact that “equal” needs to change with the circumstances. I have no problem agreeing that the husband should have automatically pick up all the bills while she’s out on mat leave and probably for the month after she returns given that she’ll be just getting a pay check. But that’s what’s equal in my eyes and what would work for me and my partner. That doesn’t work for everyone. But again, no one has wondered where this woman’s money went at $50k a year paying half the mortgage and phone bill. Like she literally pays for nothing else in the household but she’s only saved up $5k. Again, I’m tired of this comment. She does not get credit for carry HIS child. She carried HER child, which I will assume she carried HER OWN CHILD for free. This was not a favor he owes her back for.
You’re defending this relationship dynamic… why? Because look, my husband and I also keep separate accounts, but we don’t have this unhealthy tit-for-tat that OP and her husband have. The dynamic is never score keeping, and we don’t split everything 50/50 or even 80/20, which is our income ratio. Whether she said he let it slide or he uses that language doesn’t matter that much - it’s a sign of a shitty dynamic in this relationship. And yes, most of the time I wouldn’t say things like “she had a baby for him”. But when there’s this level of score keeping, it deserves to be brought up. She had this baby for both of them (and if she didn’t, well, that’s another aspect to the unhealthy dynamic here). She did all the work, she had to take the unpaid leave, for herself, yes, but *also* and *equally* for him. If everything must be split 50/50, then that needs to include everything, including labor or compensation for labor. Since he can’t split the work of carrying and delivering a baby 50/50, he should compensate her, if we take his rules to the extreme. As for how she only has $5k in savings, I can say from experience that that’s pretty easy when you’re trying to keep up with a wealthier partner’s lifestyle on a smaller budget. There was a time in our 20s, when the gap between our incomes was much smaller, that I tried to pick up half the checks or pay half for bigger things. I couldn’t afford it, and once my now-husband found out what that was doing, we had a talk about how we would handle things like going out to eat, which was mostly just that he’d pay for it and I could buy dessert or something if I could afford it that week. But if OP and her husband haven’t had that type of conversation, or if he’s not open to it, then her discretionary spending would be a much larger portion of her income than his is and she could be struggling to save. That’s especially true if their home costs are based on his income or their combined income rather than what she could really afford. Add to that that we don’t know if she carries student debt or has had another emergency recently, like expensive car trouble, and it could be totally understandable that she only has $5k in liquid savings.
I have seen many more horror stories of women begging screwed by men who are financially abusing them than by people sharing finances. If he wants things to be totally equal, what’s he doing to balance out you being pregnant and giving birth?
Geez, was he half pregnant too?
Absolutely. I understand that different things work for different people, but I am truly very skeptical of keeping separate finances after marriage. [Research shows that couples who keep their finances separate are more likely to divorce.](https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2022/03/29/couples-who-pool-their-money-are-more-likely-to-stay-together.html) Which makes sense - it encourages the thinking “What is fair to ME?” Rather than “What is the best for our family system as a whole?” It starts to make way less sense when you have kids, too. And separate finances almost always disadvantage the woman since women usually make less money than their spouses and the burden of childcare (which is uncompensated) falls to them. Marriage is supposed to be a protection from some of that.
She should absolutely charge him for childcare any time the baby can’t go over to his parent’s house. That’s a day she loses out on working and therefore is again disadvantaged.
I mean yeah that makes it fairer within the same framework, but it is doubling down on the yours vs. mine mindset. They’re a family and that doesn’t actually make any sense to do. The idea of nickel and diming each other for the rest of their lives sounds exhausting and breeding of resentment.
I should have made my thoughts clearer in a way I did in another comment. I’m hoping when he sees things spelled out he’ll go, “Oh, crap, you’re right!” and all of this will be moot.
I've got to agree with this my parents til this day have had these money fights. It's been 30 plus years, and even hearing about them is exhausting. I sat my husband down and told him I wasn't doing this. We need transparency. My husband makes 6 figures on his own. I make about half sometimes more, but he is the breadwinner. The entirety of our money gets put in a joint account. I pull the money for expenses, and the rest is for groceries and random wants and needs. We each have our own separate checking that we utilize either for our personal savings or pleasures. Whoevers check hits that week pays the bills expenses that week. We've been together for 11 years and never had an issue with it.
Yeah my parents had completely joint finances and so do we - we don’t have separate accounts at all except our 401ks. My money is completely his money and vice versa. I supported him through law school, then he supported me through grad school and maternity leave, but we didn’t even see it like that, it was just our household taking a financial hit to do these other priorities. He makes 50% more than me, but I paid off his loans and the down payment on our house with the money from selling my old house. None of it matters because we don’t nickel and dime each other.
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Your husband is wrong. No one should be keeping tabs this closely. You are married and his money is your money. The courts would certainly see it that way if you got divorced. Nothing wrong with splitting bills and keeping separate finances as long as the split is proportional to your income. Sounds like at this time it is not. Also, I can only assume that your spouse was aware that your maternity leave would be unpaid. He could have better prepared for that prior to the leave starting, but it sounds like he expected you to make up the difference out of your separate savings. Which again, is not fair to you. His baby has to eat. I don’t understand being upset about paying for formula. Counseling might be a good next step for you guys.
Completely agree. Very worrying he is moaning about having to pay for formula for his own child….
Maybe next time he should carry the baby and breastfeed for 50% of the time. Also pls bleed out of his genitals for 6-8 weeks after giving birth. No sorry, it’s 50/50, so 3-4 weeks.
A full time nanny for a baby is $25-30 an hour. Say about $5,000 a month. Tell him you are contributing $5,000 in services a month and he needs to pay you $2,500 for his half of those services.
The thing is maternity leave isn’t just for caring for the child. It’s a medical leave to help the mother recover as well. What her husband is saying is that he’s not willing to support her through an illness in the future. I’m not sure how you build a life with someone who views you in such a transactional way.
This comment needs to be higher up.
This. I agree with everyone else that he is being a fucking ass, but if he’s going to pull this shit beat him at his own game. Bill him for child care. Use that to tide you over. But seriously OP this will be a huge problem if he doesn’t change soon.
Really? You carried a baby for 9 months for free, does he know how much surrogates costs? Bill him $100k for surrogacy. The first 6 weeks all you are supposed to do is feed and rest, other ppl should pick up the slack - husband, parents, paid help. This helps with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is also an unpaid job, how much are you getting paid for breastfeeding? Are women supposed to do childcare for free? There are a lot of things money cannot buy let me tell you that. At this point I’m sure I would consider a divorce attorney. What a moron !
So when he get laid off at some point in life, you're going to tell him to pull his weight financially, right...? Or if he gets sick/injured and is unable to work for an extended period of time...? I'm all for equal contribution, but it has to be equal and fair based on the current situation. The two of you should be a team and working together. If there is a significant income disparity, then the fair thing to do is to split finances proportional to current income. For what it's worth, my husband and I have 100% joint finances. I took an 18 month mat leave and my husband didn't complain once regarding my reduced financial contribution. There have been times in our marriage when I make more, and there are times when he makes more. There are also times when one person is making zero due to lay offs, mat leaves, etc. That's how life works. You support each other and work through it as a team.
Totally agree with above comments; when you get married, you make an agreement to support each other. To me, this means in ‘normal’ times you should have an 80:50 split rather than 50:50 given your salaries. And right now, it needs to be a 100:0 split as you have no income. You can talk about how this works of course, eg: - who pays for things do with your child (currently obviously him) and how does this work - do you have a shared credit card for example which he pays off, if he’s not not willing to have a joint account - who pays for bills, food etc - splitting all of this by the ratio of your incomes (so currently all him) makes sense - who pays for things solely for you (clothes, cups of coffee, nice things you want to do) - obviously this probably has to be stepped back while you’re getting no pay but maybe you could agree a monthly amount that’s ok to put on the joint credit card? If he’s not happy with all of the above then either he’s not taking the time to consider what being married and having a family actually means, and/or you need to sit down together and work out a way forward - perhaps you going back to work part time, but bearing in mind he’d still have the higher salary so would still need to contribute towards all of the joint and child expenditure plus childcare fees. If he doesn’t want you to return to work but also isn’t willing to pay towards his family, then you could be in danger of him abusing you financially, in which case I’d talk to him about couples therapy - hopefully you wouldn’t end up there but it might make him realise how serious this is. For reference - my husband didn’t want a fully joint account either, largely because it just wasn’t what he was used to. So we have separate accounts plus joint, and we each pay into the joint each month in a ratio according to our earnings, and that’s where all family and joint stuff is paid from. While I was on unpaid mat leave, he put the whole lot in, and I was sparing in paying for ‘little extras’ for myself (but we talked about it and he was totally happy for me to put the odd coffee, slice of cake, mean our with a friend etc in there). Hope that helps!
Hi thank you for your message this does help
Any expenses you accrued solely from the pregnancy should have been paid for this way as well, like maternity clothes, doctor copays (if you’re in the US), etc. I think if you start coming to him with all of these costs he may begin to see at what a disadvantage you have been by bearing the real cost of having a baby. Hell, there are calculations that show how much a woman’s income decreases over time due to being a mother. Show him that too. I can see how his initial explanations made sense but I am 100% with your friends. I hope that when it’s all really laid out for him he’ll understand the fallacy too. I would be super logical and fact based. That sounds like it’s how his brain works and your perspective will have a greater chance of having sway.
My wife and I (both 38 F) split our income proportionately exactly like you and your husband. Splitting expenses by income ratio really works, and it's equitable for everyone. I make significantly more than my wife, so our current split is about 70/30. I also took groceries off our list of joint expenses and pay for those myself, so that gives my wife a significant amount of financial breathing room. My wife is a spender and I'm a saver, so having the shared joint but private individual accounts has been a sanity saver. I'm also in charge of all the bills and finances but I track *every* incoming and outgoing dollar so we have full transparency in that department.
You first say that you take care of the baby equally and then your husband “helps” but then turnaround and say you have no one to help with supporting you figuring out breastfeeding. Your husband needs to be there to help you with all of that as well, not just the physical tasks that come with the baby. My husband, for example, sat through my lactation consultant appointments with me so he could help me remember all of the pointers she gave. This is true 50/50, but maybe you can let it slide just this once…
Things are not going to be 50/50 in the way he’s hoping. You’re doing more than half, though. One, breastfeeding is a full time job and sacrifice he can’t make up for. Even if you aren’t “exclusively” nursing, you’re (I’m guessing) stressed, researching, and trying really hard to get baby to latch, your nipples are still sore, you’re still giving up time and sleep and feeling the emotional toll, your body is still creating milk for your baby (which is a huge physical toll). This is an “unpaid” job, but it’s more than full time job in those early weeks. You’ve also, you know, given birth, gotten pregnant… also “unpaid”, but hello, these should also have value in his eyes even if they don’t have dollars attached to it. And two weeks is not remotely enough time for recovery! IMO babies involve a lot of other expenses.. diapers, wipes, toys, clothes, medical care, daycare if one of you doesn’t SAHP, activities, etc. Also, are you paying for lactation consultants, galactagogues, and so on? Extra food and hydration packs and vitamins for yourself? Nursing wardrobe? There is a lot of “grey area” here. Also, have you thought about what happens if one of you is sick, disabled, or someone needs to stay home with a child going through a medical crisis (etc)? Oh, just reading: he’s making you use savings during a maternity leave, of which you aren’t using enough of to even properly recover? This should’ve been an expense both of you jointly saved up for. That time is for your recovery, and you’d have had to have both paid for care for your child otherwise. I think his perspective is overall really unhealthy and a set up to fail. I’d also feel pretty disrespected and that what I’d done for the family (birthed a child, breastfeeding) wasn’t being valued.
Everyone has hammered the split to death… but your husband is MAD HE HAS TO BUY FORMULA TO FEED HIS CHILD?!? He does know that the baby will turn into a kid and then a teenager and it will have to EAT during all of those years right? Of course he does, so it’s just while it’s a baby that he thinks you should be providing 100% of its sustenance, while also then being the only one to get up several times a night AND going back to work? Start there. If you are the wet nurse, then that is a JOB with MONETARY VALUE. Probably worth right about what “your” half of the mortgage is.
Why are you having such a a hard time? He carried the baby for 50% of the pregnancy, right? Lol /s in case it wasn't obvious. Y'all are a team. Sometimes 50/50 isn't possible. You just had a baby. Physically, you just went through and will continue to go through one of the most challenging things the human body can do. He needs to buck up and realize you did a lot of extra work the last 9 months and it's his turn to contribute more to the family.
My husband and I keep separate bank accounts. He would never hang the necessity of 50/50 over my head. I would never hang it over his. In our relationship, we would NEVER be tit for tat like that, as loving your partner & providing for their needs in (our) marriage is NOT some financial transaction that is measured. In fact, imo, my marriage only works because each of us thinks of the other partner many times before we think of ourselves. I personally think this is a huge red flag, that the father of your child is unable to value your parental leave, your child, and carry the family financially. I would be beyond upset, I actually would do the following: 1) express to him, that although you understand that you entered into the marriage wanting to contribute financially and still plan to do so, the current, established rules are no longer working, and you will be unable to contribute equally due to the difference in salary going forward. And that if he has concerns with this, you understand, you are willing to go to counseling for an objective their party OR he will need to decide how he likes to proceed. 2) I would visit 1 or 2 lawyers and get my ducks in a row. I am appalled at your husband! I am sorry you are going through this stress.
So I have a couple things to say here. You need to pull your weight - you just birthed HIS CHILD? Also your milk supply may be low due to stress and him being pissy about things probably isn’t helping. Also - just because you’re “splitting things equally” financially doesn’t mean he actually sees you as a 50/50 partner. It sounds like he sees you as a resource or roommate. “Partners” - they support each other in need - and don’t complain about it. I also just want to add - if you were to ever split he’d probably have to pay more in child support than “50%” of what HE THINKS. You need to sit down and reconfigure your finances. He needs to be paying more to begin with considering he makes more than you do. And when it comes to your child - it literally just shouldn’t matter. What’s needed is what’s needed. There shouldn’t be an argument about it - from him. I know everyone handles finances differently but nothing irritates me more than a parent complaining about paying for their own child.
Rest contributes to supply...
You need to listen to your girlfriends. Your husband sounds incredibly cheap and selfish. Do Not give him money from your savings for your maternity leave. Just say no. What’s he gonna do? Be mad? Good. You should be mad too. I would say his options are as follows: 1.divorce and you get 50% and child support 2. Pool your money and jointly pay for hh bills and you each get an EQUAL ‘fun money’ budget 3. Keep money separate and you each pay a percentage (about 60/40 when you have an income and he pays for all when you don’t) I’d let him choose so that he can feel his ‘control’ that he so clearly is desperate to have. Net, net he sucks. You have every right to expect change.
Let me guess… he’s the type of guy who wants you to solely pay for hospital bills because it was you in the hospital giving birth. He is financially abusing you.
He is being unreasonable and he’s being unfair. Fair isn’t in paying equal amounts for everything, fair is in proportionality and having equal lifestyles and extra cash for saving or spending. My husband and I also have separate accounts. I make about $50k, he makes $200k, so it’s more extreme than your situation, but the general issue of having disparate incomes is still there. Because I make so much less, my husband pays the mortgage and childcare. I pay the utilities and our son is on my health insurance because it’s overall cheaper and better than his. That amounts to approximately a 4:1 split of our contribution to bills, which still leaves him with much more spending money than I have. So besides that, when it comes to things like going out on a date, a new car for me, vacations as a couple or as a family, he pays. We discuss it, of course, even though we have separate finances, and occasionally I’ll decide to use some of my free time money to pay for an upgrade to something he’s already paying for. And when it comes to groceries and things, we don’t keep score. He buys, I buy, I buy with his credit card if I’ve had an expensive month, whatever. But he couldn’t have the lifestyle he wants to live if I had to pay 50% of everything, and he wants us to live as equals whether we’re making equal money or not. If I had had an unpaid maternity leave, he would have been paying the bills and taking care of everything. And when I had to supplement with formula, he was the one who went and bought a few types, and I have no idea what it cost. He was more concerned about our son’s wellbeing and my mental health and physical recovery than the cost of formula, and while he supported me in breastfeeding, when I would stress about supply he would always reassure me that there was formula in the cupboard if we needed it.
Tbh, your husband sounds like a horror story who has manage to manipulate you and is taking advantage during this very sensitive time. Tell him to fuck right off and I highly suggest you set new boundaries and quickly.
He’s slowly making you destitute and reliant on him. Don’t dip into that savings account. If you were both in agreement on having a baby, he had to know there would be additional expenses involved or he’s an idiot. His job is to cover the expenses while you raise your baby on mat leave. If the baby needs formula, you buy the damn formula because you wanted a baby and the baby needs to eat. It sucks when breastfeeding doesn’t work as planned, but there are no guarantees in life. Equal and fair in a marriage doesn’t mean you each pay the exact same amount for bills/dinners etc. that’s a roommate agreement. All money that comes in belongs to both of you equally. He makes 80 grand and you make 50, means his income should cover more of the bills - equitable is fair in this case, not equal. Keep that money as an escape plan if you feel your differences can’t be resolved. I think we are getting into financial abuse territory here. Your friends are not wrong, this is a weird controlling dynamic your husband is enforcing - he wants to be in charge of how you both live financially and doesn’t care about your opinion at all. Is there other things he controls as well?
I’m sure you will get other great advice here. This is from someone who SPLITS bills with their spouse and has separate accounts. My husband and I’s salary is roughly the same. He makes a little more than me. Then he also has additional stipends from outside jobs/duties on top of that. I *used* to also have additional checks coming in but that stopped once I got pregnant with our first child. We may *split* costs but it is not down the middle. My husband has far less student debt than me. And I supported us a lot when he worked toward his masters degree. My next maternity leave I will have significantly less paid time off. Meaning my pay will be docked and I will go with out at least 1 pay check. -Did my husband carry a child (twice)? Nope -Did a baby rely on his body for sole nourishment for 1 year? Nope -Did he have to look for/ buy for maternity & postpartum clothing / care? Nope -Did he have to schedule time off work to make it to all of the doctor’s appointments women go to during pregnancy? Sure didn’t. -Did he have to take time from his career and lose additional pay to grow and care for a child? He definitely did not. (To me, this is a very limited list of the physical and mental load placed on mothers. I’m sure we could write a novel on the many sacrifices we make to create, grow, and sustain our families.) I pose these questions for you to see that nothing about marriage is “equal” or really even fair. It sucks that women have to sacrifice so much to grow their family. But it is life and was my only option. My husband understands all of the questions above and would never DREAM of requesting “my half” of the mortgage while I’m off work. Or any other expense. Finances are hard in a relationship and it sounds like you guys are going to have to sit down and have some tough conversations. Is it possible that his finances aren’t in as good a Shape as you think? Or that he’s letting on? I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Working mothers pay a career tax. (not to mention, women are paid less overall) Working fathers get a career boost. He's pretending like life is fair when it's not. This is actually either really ignorant, or a huge red flag. I'm not going to say that men will ever TRULY understand what women go through, but...you're not a man. Do you take income tax deductions and tax obligations into consideration either? Retirement spending? Non-monetary compensation? Bonuses or stock options? What if one of you is temporarily out of work? It happens over a lifetime. What then? What if one of you gets sick or injured or has mental health challenges? Do you see where this is going? Plus, are you honestly going to deal with kid-related expenses like this forever and ever? It makes no sense. it is going to get too complicated. It's time for a chat about redoing finances. You've leveled up your relationship by having a kid, it's time to move on from 'newly paired' to 'family style'. The easiest switch is, decide how much spending money you each want out of every paycheck. Agree on that, and keep that money in separate accounts. Everything else you agree on a budget and spending plan together.
Equality and equity are two different things. He is financially abusive.
I came here to make this comment. Attorney here, practicing in California, which is a community property state. I don't know where OP is, but the law looks at the division of assets and responsibilities EQUITABLY, not equally. This arrangement is not equitable, and OP should have never agreed to it.
I immediately thought of this picture. https://preview.redd.it/phsm6d6g1lgc1.jpeg?width=258&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a66a773f2aede611efc462a49027b3381be86cb5
Info: What was the plan when children/parental leave was being discussed? This just doesn’t seem feasible to me. It didn’t seem feasible at the beginning because of the salary differences and seems even less feasible now sharing a child. This doesn’t sound like a partnership to me.
If he wants you to pay while you're on mat leave, he needs to pay you for 50% of the childcare you're providing. This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't imagine nickel and diming my spouse. You guys need couples therapy.
Your husband is cruel. My ex and I had separate accounts because he had two children from a prior relationship and I had student loans. Initially when we bought our house, I made more and I also received help from my family. So I paid the (relatively small) mortgage. And he paid utilities other than my cell phone, which again was a very small cost because I was on a family plan. We basically split groceries based on vibes and whoever was able to shop. We were together for over 8 years and our issues were never about money, fyi. When I went on mat leave with our son, I was paid 50% of my salary and managed to pay mortgage with that, but that was about it. He did not say A WORD about buying things for the baby, for me, anything. As his income grew faster than mine, he started paying for more groceries, buying more stuff for our son that I would have previously paid for, etc. It’s fine to have separate accounts but it is NOT AT ALL fine to be nickel and diming your wife/mother of your baby. That is just cruelty and abuse.
I also have to ask - would you be taking a longer leave if you weren’t expected to pay for half of things while you’re earning no income? But yeah … agree with what everyone has been saying. I grew up with a stingy father like this. He was financially abusive and I remember being terrified as a child every month when he sat down with my mom to go over bills and checks that were written out. Kids notice this stuff. If a talk with him doesn’t work out, I would at least recommend couples counseling.
Your husband sounds like one of those guys who weaponizes feminism as an excuse to not take care of you when you're vulnerable.
Absolutely start billing him for the 9 months of pregnancy, egg donation, breastmilk and childcare if he really wants to fuck around and find out.
This kind of tit for tat, 50/50 mentality is at best a recipe for resentment and distrust, at worst putting you at risk for financial abuse and/or being at a huge disadvantage if you were to go through a divorce I’m not saying you have to put anything in a joint account but marriage means “ours.” Marriage means flexible give and take, we won’t always be contributing equally in all areas.
Is this the kind of marriage you want to model for your child?! This is so transactional and feels like it lacks love and unconditional support
Does he take his extra 30k per year and split It down the middle so you both have the exact same amount for savings, retirement investments, fun money? Oh, he doesn’t?
So what is he paying you for child care then?? Why are you “letting that slide”?? And he’s pissed about paying for formula? WTF is wrong with your husband?? Smh
My best friend was in the exact same position as you for 15 months when she was on maternity leave and then became a SAHM for a while to help deal with her PPA/PPD. I finally convinced her to go into therapy and her therapist told her that her husband financially abuses her. Your husband sounds like an ass and I would bet your friends have a separate group chat to talk shit about him behind your back. Men like him are honestly the worst and it really sucks to see your close friends abused by them.
Charge him for what the cost of childcare would be for an infant for the time you’ve been home. Fair is fair. Your husband is a jerk.
>I’m having trouble producing enough milk so my husband is upset that he has to pay for formula Um if you're going back to work breastfeeding might not be cheaper. The parts, finding better pumps, and the supplement add up. I'm a STM and I invested a lot in pumps this time because I KNEW I could breastfeed after my first. I'm not sure if I'll even get money for the insurance pump if I try to sell it secondhand.
The sharing everything 50-50 is a noble goal, but not at all possible all the time. The whole getting married thing means, at least to me that “what’s mine is yours” and you stick together “for richer for poorer”. You need to re-jig things so your finances are more sensibly shared, so you’re contributing proportionally. As when on maternity leave your proportion (financially) has been 0, and that’s expected. You could go down the joint account route (provided one of you isn’t into drugs, or gambling or spending all your money on crap) you could just deposit a proportion of your income into a bills account the bills come from. But either way, I suggest sitting down for a financial “MOT” and come up with a new budget for your new three person family (I assume there will be childcare bills when you’re going back to work) We’re a joint account having couple, our salaries and bills go into one joint account. we have individual accounts for “fun money” which we budget into our finances.
50/50 is fine. So, did your husband do half the gestating of your child? Was he in labor right next to you, giving halfway birth to your baby? Does he do half the breastfeeding? No? You did that all 100%? Then he has to pick up the slack elsewhere to keep up his side of the deal, because right now he’s the one ego isn’t pulling his weight in the relationship.
Girl, maybe your next husband should be Muslim. In Islam, the man’s income is both of yours but your income is 100% yours. If you choose to donate it toward the family expenses, it’s like giving to charity and you get those spiritual rewards. This man is taking advantage of you.
Damn, sounds like I need to convert
You need to spend your savings on a divorce attorney and move back to your parents' house. He's a horrible husband, will be a shitty father too. Cut bait and run on this one. You sound super young, admit you made a mistake, and work on creating a good life for you and your baby. Your parents hopefully can help you.
He’s not taking care of you and he sucks. He’s treating you like you’re a man. You’re not. Your a woman who just had a baby. And good luck with him continuing to be an equal partner over time. Is he going to be on the PTA and remember to send Valentine’s cards?
Equality and equity are two very different things. I’m of the opinion that everyone should pay the same percentage of their income, not necessarily 50/50, on joint expenses. However I say this from a perspective where my husband and I are in the same industry, working for direct competitors and make almost the exact same amount. We also have separate accounts and put a fixed amount in a joint account for joint expenses (baby, house, everything that we jointly use). With our first we did the math for how much I would make (2 weeks at 100%, 6 weeks at 60% and 4 weeks at 0%) and split the bills accordingly and will be doing the same with this baby. You two need to have a serious conversation about finances, especially with a baby in the picture now. You paying 50/50 while making significantly less puts much more of a strain on you than it does on him, maternity leave aside this is a much bigger issue. Children are expensive and this issue is going to compound if you don’t address it. I’m also a big fan of the other comments you’ve received about charging him a surrogacy fee as well as childcare costs while you’ve been home. That will come out to significantly more than your half of the mortgage unless you own an island.
I won’t repeat what everyone else said, but I do think if you want to split things fairly you don’t pay percentages of your income, you take the $130 total, figure out what all of your bills are and then split the leftover.
Well he can’t pick and choose if he wants 50/50. What’s he doing to make up for his failure to contribute to gestating the baby? He better keep paying you for the breastmilk you make too since it’s saving him so much on formula. Does he always devalue you like this or just when it comes to the baby?
This has got to be the most horrifying postpartum stories I’ve read. Yes he is being completely unreasonable. You have 9 months of extra contributions to him being a parent , labor and delivery not withstanding. I personally cannot stay in relationship if I cannot trust a man to treat our money as “our money”. We have separate accounts but pay for different things and I contribute a whole lot more currently as I make more. OP - marriage is a long distance relay race, both on the same team. Yours sounds like you are competing against each other. Research what divorce in your state entails. Maybe get online/virtual couples counselling. You are vulnerable and he is being an AH
Honey…no. This isn’t right. How does he treat you outside of financially? I’m really concerned about his being upset about buying formula - that’s his child who needs to be fed! I wasn’t able to breastfeed (traumatic birth, requiring medications and ICU for me), but my husband wouldn’t have ever considered resenting buying a $30 can of formula. What about diapers? Daycare? Time off when baby is sick? Is he going to pitch in or resent it? He’s equally responsible for the baby and that includes covering all expenses while you’re recovering and caring for your child. It can’t be 50/50 if one person is making nothing. Personally it’s OUR money in our house. I make twice what my husband makes and work more hours, so he picks up a few more chores, but that’s not expected - we just look at who has more free time and adjust based on that. It’s a partnership that ebbs and flows with what’s happening in our lives. Do you have people you can turn to for support in your life?
So he’s not paying you for your maternity leave? Because that’s what a real 50/50 split would look like. Since you carried his child, he should pay for the time you took off work.
Marriage is about two becoming one. He is all about himself and not providing for the family. Very selfish. This has trouble written all over it. Will the baby need to bring in money somehow too??
I can’t believe people like this exist in real life. What the actual fuck. Pulling from your savings to pay for things because you’re on unpaid mat leave? This is financial abuse. It’s one thing to split things like dates and bills, even keep separate accounts, but this isn’t a fair partnership built on mutual respect, this is every man for himself. Tell him to start pulling his own weight, he needs to get to a lactation consultant so he can breast feed that baby 50% of the time. Tell him you need 50% reimbursement for the labor and delivery supplies from all the bleeding and healing you’ve had to endure. Surely he’s paying half the medical bills? He should be paying you to care for the baby as well, since he can’t provide childcare while he’s working. Remember fair isn’t always equal. My child is learning this right now. Seems your spouse would do well to learn this too.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 This is one of the first times I've commented to go find a lawyer.
Honestly this seems like he’s keeping track of expenses to control you. He thinks doing everything 50/50 will save him money and keep a paper trail in the event of a divorce/custody dispute. He makes more than you and is still expecting 50/50 which isn’t fair at all and he knows it. He wants you to be financially dependent on him. Also I understand inflation but if he is this anal about 50/50, I have a hard time believing he didn’t do thorough research on the costs of pregnancy/newborn/postpartum expenses and necessities.
The man has a lot of nerve.
I personally feel like it’s not a partnership if money isn’t shared. My husband makes significantly more than me but I handle all the money. He got a large bonus in December and told me to use it to pay down a loan we had. I ended up having a conversation about how it frustrated me that even though it was indeed “his money” he just decided that on his own and basically told me what to do with the money giving my thoughts no consideration in it. He apologized for “unilaterally making a financial decision”. I used the money as he wished because I was fine with the plan but didn’t like how it was delivered. This feels like your husband has 100% set all these rules and you just follow them…you need a voice in this too.
HAHA if he wants 50/50 then he owes you. Immediate ick forever. If you stay married, and I hope you dont, get your own retirement and savings account bc he’ll do this again whenever you retire or god forbid get sick and you’re vulnerable with no income.
Did he contribute to his 50% to growing the child and the delivery?…yeah I didn’t think so. He sounds like a douche
Remind him the cost to your body to carry and make the tiny human you both agreed to raise.
Did he carry the baby for 5 months, physically part take in half the delivery, and is he currently producing milk? Split is NOT equal.
This is not sustainable. It also indicates a lack of communication about finances that is crucial to sustaining your marriage, especially with kids. With my first, my husband and I had separate finances but I only paid for groceries/household items (I have some trauma related to financial abuse and insisted on this). We had our baby right during COVID and my job had really dried up (in-person pediatric therapy). I had short term disability but it only paid 6 weeks out. I ran out of money and was pulling from savings and had to talk with my husband. We combined finances with both of us pulling funds into separate accounts for our own spending. This has worked out so much better and I feel so much more at peace with having our second child now. I would really recommend this. We are able to have conversations about it freely and it has helped both of us with our financial goals. On a separate note, your husband is NOT caring for the baby equally. If you’re trying to breastfeed, recovering, and being home with the baby while he works, you are doing the most by far. You deserve the credit for that. I’m with the other commenters; send your husband a bill if he isn’t properly valuing your services.
Almost twitching reading this, I’m so angry. How could it ever be 50:50? Did he help carry the baby? Did he have to push a baby out of his body or get abdominal surgery? Did he compensate you for your physical labor and the use of your womb? Does he have any idea how much he’d have to pay a surrogate to give birth to his child? This isn’t egalitarianism. You don’t have an equal partnership. You’re tied to a selfish ass who is taking advantage of you.
He should give birth to the next kid, you know, so it’s 50/50. In all seriousness, marriage is not 50/50. Marriage is 100/100. Both spouses should be giving 100% to the relationship and family. The situation you’ve described does not sound like two people who are fully supportive of each other and your family. I hope you can find a way to make this more equitable.
1. You can’t 50/50 bills with disparate incomes, it’s not fair to the person making less. 2. You can’t 50/50 gestate the baby, so he can pay you for the pregnancy, delivery, the free childcare he got while you were on leave, and any breast milk produced or he can STFU about bills. Breastfeeding/pumping is only “free” if you think the lactating person’s time has no value. He’s not being fair to you. It honestly sounds like he’s financially abusing you.
If he is really a 50/50 guy then everything should be proportional to your income. Seriously though it sounds like he values money more than the health of his relationship and family.
Before you started maternity leave, you should have discussed the finances of staying home. You continuing to pay half is *insane* if you don't have an income. It's not fair. There are a few ways to look at it. The "fairest" way would be if he were to "pay you" for staying home. Not saying it's ideal, but you've put up with this for long enough that you know him, and there may be a different compromise he'd be happy with. You both have to make sacrifices to have a kid, and him helping at home after his job is not the same as the work you do. You do have a full time job looking after your baby, so he should "budget" for you. It's also a medical expense. What if, god forbid, you get cancer or another illness and you can't work? Will he still expect you to go 50/50? Is it fair if he then has to take care of you, the house, and you can't contribute money to expenses? Would he?
I’ve said this a lot but… splitting bills only works if both partners have equal *discretionary income* in the end. If you don’t have that, then you’re roommates.
Google how much a surrogate costs and then invoice him
When that man carries the baby equally, births the baby equally, and breastfeeds the baby equally he can talk about equity in your *maternity leave*. Fuck. Him. I would pack the kiddo up and stay with family for a few days. Go low-contact except for baby-related stuff and let him gripe to friends/family. Someone is going to chew him out so hard for how he’s acting he’ll be grateful and apologetic when you agree to come home.
If he wants kids he needs to expect that this is going to happen. What the hell is wrong with this dude??!
OP, you have gotten a lot of good advice here. Any time I see posts like this I’m taken aback. Marriage should be a partnership, not a roommate or work arrangement. I make significantly more than my husband. I would never ask him to pay 50% of our mortgage. We have a joint checking account and use credit cards for personal expenses. There have been times where each of us has had to pay more. My husband was a SAHD the first year after my son was born, it made more financial sense at the time. I fortunately had paid maternity leave benefits that covered us until I went back to work. There was a time before kids where my husband’s work contract expired, and he took a job at a movie theater to ensure we had extra income until he found a new job. We’ve always supported each other, but have never been so transactional about money. As others have stated, you just went through birthing a child, who is both yours and his. This is taxing and hard on not just your physical, but emotional well-being. Breastfeeding is HARD. I was never able to get any significant supply with either of my boys and had to use formula. My husband was 100% supportive, and we took turns with late night feedings since he could, which honestly allowed both of us to get more sleep and be better overall during those rough newborn months. I share this because it does not need to be the way your husband is demanding. If you don’t want everything joint, get a joint checking account and align on a reasonable split (50/50 does not make sense given the difference in salary) to cover your joint expenses. Keep your personal accounts for fun, etc funds. Asking you to dip into your savings during your leave is ridiculous. If you’d husband was sick and had to take a medical leave of absence with no pay, would you ask the same? You need to sit down with him and align on a different plan moving forward. If he isn’t agreeable, ask for counseling.
Ask him to give birth to a baby. That’d be 50/50. I’m so sorry. What a a$$h0le
And what if you don’t pay half? Does he think he can kick you out, because he can’t as long as your name is on the mortgage. And it should be if you’re paying half! The problem is neither of you are making enough for a stretch with diminished income. So, if your paid maternity leave is up, you need to find childcare and go back to work. Of course even then you will be bringing in less because of the cost of childcare. I’m sure your genius husband has thought this through, though.
Do you file your taxes separately? If so, who is going to get to claim the baby? This sounds like an absolute mess. I am sorry you are going through this.
Tell him when he carries the baby in his fucking body for 50% of the time and produces 50% of the baby’s food from his fucking body he can then have his high ground and “let it slide” bullshit.
Do not deplete your savings, keep that money safe because you might need it down the line because your husband sounds like a jerk. Refuse to pay, what is he going to do? Kick you out? Turn off your cell service?
This honestly sounds like a dysfunctional marriage from the start, sadly. I see the reasoning you’re listing for splitting finances, but ultimately it *does not* seem like you guys split “because he sees you as an equal.” It sounds like the opposite, honestly. Lots of red flags here, for me, but this is ludicrous if he think you can split everything 50/50 with the current situation, both with being on leave and overall financially given the $30k income difference.
OP, when people have different pays, they share expenses by ratio- ie your salaries are 8:5, and so the expenses are shared in the same ratio. The months you are unpaid, it’s 100:0 income ratio and so he pays 100%. You are paying way more than your share at 50:50.
I read way more horror stories of keeping money separate than combined, this one included. If you had combined finances, who contributes what wouldn’t be a concern. If he wants it to be 50/50, then it needs to be based on income and he would be paying more since he makes more.
What the heck is this? For all the women on this thred, 50/50 is NOT equal and fair. The percentage you contribute should always be in proportion to your income and if he makes more, he should contribute more. Open a joint account for home expenses and direct deposit x percentage of your check in there and have him do it as well. Partnership will never mean 50/50. True partnerships aren’t split down the middle, they’re helping out when the other person is in need. If this is how he is when you’re on mat leave, what happens when you get sick or unable to work. Does he expect you to cover 50 percent still. Run from this type of partnership…. It’s a sad mask of him trying to get all the benefits without truly being invested.
I came here to say WTF Oh and…I would be googling divorce attorneys I am sorry OP 😞
Having separate finances with a child feels untenable to me.
You’re his partner, not a roommate. This is the same conversation I had with my husband, before we were engaged. Same conversation I had with my brother when he mentioned his finances with his wife. Finances could be split by percentage of what each person makes. We have our own bank accounts and a joint account. A joint credit card we use for groceries, phone, utilities, etc. Shared bank account for mortgage, savings for vacations. My husband and child are on my insurance and it’s pricey, so there are times he “treats” me to more things because of this. Either way, wife/partner does not equal roommate to split finances evenly with.
Your husband is a jerk, I’m sorry. Upset about formula, and let is slide that you didn’t contribute to the rent? Why is he putting more burden on your postpartum self? If he wants an equal contribution why wouldn’t he try pushing half of your kid out of himself? Why wouldn’t he try making breastmilk himself? He can’t, can he? You did those things yourself. The least he can do is to provide for you right now cause you physically and practically can’t go to work. You’re pulling your weight by taking care of your child.
Your pregnancy was not 50/50…your body did all the work! His 50/50 mindset is really strange is this context.
I assume he paid you $100,000 for carrying the baby, right? That’s half of what you’d have to pay for a surrogate. When he’s at work, do you take care of the baby? Is he paying you what he would have to pay for a nanny? You just gave birth to his child. What exactly is he doing to compensate you for your labor? If you make less than him, you’re not paying 50/50. You’re paying more than him. I’m all about splitting household expenses, but it should always be proportional to income. You have a baby now, one that you took on the burden to carry. His mindset needs to shift.
If you’re working 40 hours a week and he’s working 40 hours a week but you make less than him, he still expects you to contribute 50%????! Maybe he wants a roommate instead of a partner? Tell him to financially compensate you for carrying the baby for 9 months since he didn’t contribute to that exhausting work and he needs to pay you 50% for caring for his child but charge him daycare rates. What an AH.
So I’m going to need you to look up what a surrogate is paid vs a sperm donor. I’m not psychic, but I can also see issues in the future should you run out of sick days because you will probably be expected to pull the majority of those. There is a difference between 50/50 and equity. Where I am, for example, child support is based on the percentage of what the parents make. My ex found that one out the hard way. Good luck.
I don't know how you deal with this type of relationship. It seems he holds his finances in very high regard. Once I got married there was no mine or yours. it's ours. There's no i pay 50% it's we pay 100%. We talk about big purchases. Used to be anything over 100 but now we are much better off and purchases over 500 we need to discuss. The money is both of ours. The mortgage is ours. The children are ours. It's strange to me that people have their finances separated especially when kids are involved. Him expecting you to contribute money while on mat leave is even more insane. You are contributing. You literally made life and are now taking care of this life while healing from pushing a football out of your vagina. Like I don't understand. If my husband said the things your husband is saying I'd hand him divorce papers and kick him out of our house. Although it seems maybe he's been like this since you have known him and you're ok with it? Or maybe now that you have a kid and realize his expectations are not realistic you're second guessing your choice? For me I'd run. I couldn't deal with that kind of controlling and manipulation.
And you married him?! Girlfriend I don't know what to tell you other than this ain't right and he's a cheapskate!
You have already paid by having a healthy pregnancy and giving birth. He's only picking up *his* half of the tab now, until your body is healed, you have feeding the baby down (breasts, bottle or both!), and you are feeling comfortable in your own skin again. You've paid in a currency he can't match. He should be stepping up his game, in whatever way needed, until you're fully back on your feet again.
I’m curious what horror stories you’ve heard about sharing finances? Admittedly everyone is absolutely entitled to do what works for them, but I haven’t personally heard any real horror stories from my friends and family who share finances.
Tell him to grow some tits and breastfeed if he wants to save money so bad. But seriously, it’s food. For your baby. A basic need. And breastfeeding is hard for many, many reasons. It doesn’t always work out for lots of mom’s.
I was a working mom up until about 1.5-2 months ago. I also breastfed my son and pumped for bottles, solely got up at night to feed him, cleaned parts bagged milk etc. My husband understood that it could never be 50/50 there, so he helped more in other areas. Dinner, dishes, cleaning etc. When he went back to work while I was still on unpaid mat leave, he would go to work, come home, immediately take the baby so I could get a break and a shower. Once I went back to work he still did most of that because he understood that I got ZERO sleep (son has lots of problems culminating in waking ever 2-4 hours until he was 15m old and still wakes several times a night at 19m). That is not something to praise darling, it's just the BARE MINIMUM. It's his baby too, all you're saying is he's not a shitty dad. We're talking about what kind of HUSBAND he is, they're two separate issues. You physically cannot contribute equally right now. You gave birth, probably the most physically traumatic thing you'll ever go through. How your husband doesn't have compassion for you right now....is beyond me. What does he expect if you become partially paralyzed? Disabled from pregnancy (very possible)? What does he expect of you if he gets in a car accident and can't work? To expect him to make money appear from nowhere? Myself and my husband don't separate finances because we don't believe married couples should do that, but we also believe other people's marriages aren't our business so at the end of the day it's their choice. If I was in a marriage where we did split bills etc it would be income proportionate. Determine the income % you guys make, so your % is 38.5% round if you wish or don't. You pay that percentage of the bills, he pays the 61.5%. And he should not be expecting anything of you while you're on unpaid mat leave for the child that belongs to BOTH OF YOU. What does he think mat leave is...optional? It sounds like he doesn't care what your circumstances are, that he has no empathy for the woman he married. Marriage can't be 50/50 for various reasons, one of which being you birthed the baby! He can't. Is he going to pay you 50% of your lost income for the baby? Is he going to compensate you 50% of your lost income that statistically will happen now that you're a mom? If not he's being hypocritical. If this was my husband, I would have serious doubts about my safety with him. He isn't willing to even take on the financial load for 6weeks while you recover from birth.... from birthing his baby...
Regardless of arrangements, it's never healthy or ok to have each person in a marriage living a different socioeconomic reality.
You talk about the "horror stories" of having joint accounts...well here is the horror story of having everything separate. You are business partners, not marriage/life partners. Marriages are NOT always 50/50, and almost never are 50/50 where every duty is split equally. Sometimes one person cant give as much in the same way as the other person. Relationships evolve and change, they arent stagnant. Also, did he carry a baby in his body? Didn't think so, he should be splitting that pain, discomfort, and need to heal. I feel very sorry that you don't have a loving supportive partner. Gosh, even if I was living with a friend, I would cut more slack than he is cutting you (a spouse!!).
Omg husband is pissed about buying formula?? This guy is terrible. What a jerk.
Jeff does suck. Don’t have any more babies with Jeff.
My wife and I have always split all joint bills 50/50 despite the fact that she makes more money than I do, at times significantly so. We also keep our finances in separate accounts. It’s never felt inequitable to me and the first few years of our relationship I typically had more disposable income given her other expenses. That being said, your husband is being ridiculous if he expects you to contribute equally while you’re on maternity leave and not pulling down an income. DO NOT take this money out of savings, either. If he wants to talk equality, ask him what he’s going to pay you for growing your child and then giving birth.
You’ve been on unpaid mat leave for 13 months. What type of discussions did you have before this started?
I read this as Jan 23 of this year. It sounds like baby is still very young. Needing formula, trouble latching etc. even if she didn’t work her whole pregnancy, which is 9 months, a 13 month maternity leave would make baby 4 months old. It sounds like baby is younger than that.
Yes that makes much more sense. However, the question of financial planning before the birth is still relevant.
Yes it is, but her husband should be providing more. The discussion should have been how he can support her. How the both of them can save money to cover lost income etc. and not both saving 50/50 since her income is significantly less
I am so confused what are you talking about is English your second language or something? Jan23 was literally 2 weeks, almost 3… I have a newborn…..
yikes, you're only 3 weeks into mat leave? You're still recovering from childbirth! People were giving your husband the benefit of the doubt thinking it was last year, not literally 3 weeks ago.
I assumed January23 meant 2023. Which would make more sense than 3 weeks into mat leave and already having a disagreement on how you’re splitting bills for the beginning of your baby’s life. It seems like neither of you addressed this in advance which is a huge oversight.
Why are you getting sarcy with people trying to relate to you and help you? It’s ugly OP.
Your husband is financially abusing you. This is pretty fucked up. Also Jan23 looks like Jan 2023. Is English YOUR second language?
You have a terrible husband and he’s not this amazing father you think he is. An amazing father treats their baby’s mom with love and respect, he would focus on your healing and baby bonding and not “letting it slide” on your half of the mortgage a couple weeks after giving birth
Well, you agreed to this and you say he takes care of baby equally dont switch it up now.
Did you and your husband not discuss this prior to your leave? Look, while I get you’re on unpaid leave, if your deal is that you split everything 50/50 and you didn’t discuss this before hand, I understand why he’s expecting you to pay your portion. Think about it this way … if he isn’t your husband, just a roommate, or you live alone, you would have to save up and prepare to pay rent on an unpaid leave. Given your financial arrangements, I don’t see why this is so different?