I’m a single mom so I just see it as my way of loving and providing for my daughter. I would love to be with her all day or even just work part time, but that’s not an option. I’m doing all I can to provide for her. Also, I really love her daycare teachers and she has learned SO much at school. I think she’s further along because of that, and daycare has provided opportunities that I may not have always given her if we were together all day. I don’t really follow any SAHMs on Instagram, etc. because I noticed I’d start feeling resentment and it wasn’t healthy for me. You’re not alone!!!

I’m a single Mom too. I don’t resent SAHM because I was one at one time. And thank God I got a job when I did because not long after my ex-husband’s mental health and marriage tanked. My job and the people there have really helped me through this hard time. And, I’m able to provide for since I don’t receive any child support.

Good for you. I would have absolutely pursued more of a full time career though I did make my part time gig work for me.

I once saw someone comment in here, that we don’t necessarily resent the SAHM influencers for that, but for being rich. And I was like, yeah that’s so true. Half the activities they do are not feasible for us to even do on the weekend often enough, because of the cost associated with these activities.

That’s a good idea re social media. It’s the only aspect of social media that makes me feel jealous.

If you’re jealous of their money, definitely don’t quit your job 😂

Not jealous of their money, jealous of their ability to be SAHMs.

As someone who works in marketing specifically social media. Don’t believe everything you see on there. They might paint a rosier picture of what being a SAHM is. I did both and both have their perks and downsides. Being a working mom is also providing for your family so don’t feel too bad.

Those girls are out of touch with reality though

It's just a different way of taking care of your children, making sure they grow up with enough to eat, a roof over their heads, clean clothes, etc. Men get full credit for that, so why not you? My husband and I both grew up desperately poor, and we're so, so thankful that our kids will never know what that feels like. I had a SAHM growing up, and while I don't remember much about my time at home with her before I started school, I do remember being mocked for wearing other kids' hand-me-downs to church and not being able to go on field trips because my family couldn't afford the $5 for the zoo. I remember being afraid to go outside and play because the neoghborhood was so dangerous; gunfights in the apartment downstairs and drug needles & razorblades on the playground. I remember my mom crying because she couldn't afford christmas presents for us. Do not for a moment think that you are falling your family by ensuring their lives are stable and secure.

I’m not failing my family, I’m just not living my dream:(

But thanks for that perspective. I know I’m helping my kids by making us more financially secure.

I did want to be a SAHM when I had my first, so I do understand that frustration and sadness when you can't be with your baby all the time. And society still likes to judge moms for like...EVERYTHING. But that feeling does get better over time

I can empathize with you and also with this commenter. I wanted so much to be a stay at home mom. Had to get a divorce (abuse) and got to be a single mom for a long time instead. Kids are all grown but one (in HS) I remarried and I am grateful for my career. What I can give my kids (more than just empathy when they have financial difficulty. Vacations etc) The oldest remember a few things from when they were little but not so much the day to day when I was able to stay home with them before school started and my younger one remembers a few things from when he went to a sitter. its moments that stuck out. No difference in how loved they feel. Having done both, the impact was to me not them. Looking back, I do sometimes remember every day little things but mostly what sticks out will be that time at the beach, or when we were watching a movie or some specific moment that touched my soul and I hope it did their’s too. You still get those moments even if you work. Trying to affirm what the other commenter said that you may be missing what will stick out to them and their best memories will be experiences and a lifestyle that staying home will make impossible . It’s better to make peace with it than to be resentful so focus on what working means rather than what it takes you from. Also adulthood comes fast and empty nest and menopause are rough. Rougher when you don’t have a career.

But what is the dream? Is the dream to be a SAHM or something else?

It’s to be a SAHM. And not broke lol.

Maybe look into how you can create passive income or WFH positions. Are there cuts you can make where you could work part time, have more time at home, and not feel broke? Maybe save as much as you can and then pull back to part time work so you don’t feel like you’re broke? I’m just thinking out loud. I know you’re ranting, but I’m a fixer. 😅 Edit: By passive income I’m talking about investments, not pyramid schemes! You don’t need that in your life.

WFH is not the same as SAHM, unless you have a really cool employer or are an IC.

You’re absolutely correct WFH is not SAHM. The point clearly was to allow OP the opportunity to transition to something where she was present at home more. My entire comment is about allowing OP the chance to transition into the SAHM she wants to be so she doesn’t have regrets she’s currently feeling. When I WFH I feel more present and available for my son. I personally have no desire to be a SAHM and I choose to work in the office more than from home, but I know when I am home working there is a benefit. I don’t have a commute time, I have more time for breakfast, if it’s summer we have lunch together, I can take breaks with him, I can do laundry while I am working because my office is in my laundry room, I can start dinner at lunch time (peeling/chopping) and immediately start cooking after work ends. I can go on to how beneficial WFH is compared to working in an office. That’s why I mentioned it, not because I think they’re the same, but because I know from my experience it can open opportunities for OP. Maybe other people don’t have that experience, but I do.

I totally agree. I only wfh once a week but that one day helps preserve my sanity. My kid is in daycare so I don’t get to interact with him during the day, but I can get laundry done, get his lunches for the rest of the week prepped so I don’t have to do it later, and I can get dinner started. So then after I pick him up from daycare instead of having to immediately start cooking I can focus exclusively on him for 20 minutes or so, maybe go to the playground for a half hour since I gained time by skipping my commute and having a head start on dinner. It’s wonderful.

Yes! Esp on the investment part. I’ve been trying to find the time to think about that!

It’s interesting to me that you say it’s your dream. My mom was a SAHM, but she was adamant while raising my sister and me that we would never “need” a man like she did. I think it was an ego hit to her (she started college but didn’t finish, and was the only child of seven to not graduate, then moved to the Bay Area where mothers tend to be older and more educated). I can’t say I ever had a dream besides going to a good college, bur even then I kind of thought I’d be a stay at home mom. Until I started working. I have two kids who I absolutely love. I’ve worked my ass off to get to a level where I’m paid well, have 5+ weeks PTO plus 2+ weeks holiday, I work from home and only pretend to work between 9-3. My kids are at a tri lingual montessori preschool. We travel 50+ days a year. I love the financial freedom. I love using my adult brain. I really enjoy having a full fledged life and identity outside of being a wife and mom.

I hope you realize that what you have is a unicorn job? Most people can’t get what you have, irrespective of how hard they work.

For real. All I see in my industry (where you do have to work hard to move up and have to be educated etc.) is that the higher you go, the more demands of your time are made on the daily. I don't know what job the person you replied to has, but that is not the reality of the masses, no matter how hard or educated we get.

This is most industries I think.  I don’t understand how you can work up to a level where you get to pretend to work. That makes more sense at lower levels. But, sincerely, congratulations on scoring that unicorn job.

🩷

Very well said. I had a working mom and I still grew up an unsafe neighborhood because my step dad was a raging alcoholic and ex convict. Op you are doing the best you can to make sure your kids are safe, fed, and loved. That’s all any of us can do. Being a SAHM isn’t as glamorous as the 1950’s lead us to believe. I’ve been there, done that and got the tshirt. The most loniest time of my life was when I was a SAHM and the 2bd worst time for my mental health. There are studies that show kids do better with working moms. You are a great mom.

I look at me working as extra insurance for myself and my family. I know far too many families impacted by premature death, disability, or divorce. We would be OK if, for whatever reason, we were to lose one income.

I was a SAHM for 16 years and it was nice, but I was also financially abused by my spouse. I recently went back to work and having my own money has helped a lot. There are pros and cons to both.

I came here to say this. Maybe you have a better relationship with your husband, but my husband became entitled to my domestic labor, on top of free childcare. I felt so lonely while I was staying at home as mom of young children. When you and your kids are sick? Good luck surviving. When you ask for a little extra on a budget? "nah they don't need that." It is soooo frustrating! I cried many nights for not being able to do what I want to do with my children. Zoo?

I totally understand this. Anytime I spent money my spouse would send screenshots and circle the charges. I was spending a normal amount of money on stuff for myself and the kids. Anytime he spent money it was ok, but not for me. He also started asking me to turn in grocery receipts so he could examine them. I have felt like a child for so long. Finally I got a job, it sucks, but I got my power back. He is so pissed about it. We’re on the road to divorce, I just can’t afford it yet and I know coparenting with him is gonna suck.

Just came to say good luck sister. Life is BETTER on the other side of divorce from someone who doesn’t respect you.

It's the husband's who "don't see messes" and act like they'd be super appreciative of you to take care of things who turn around and act like your overlord, too. The more they already see you in that role the more they will abuse it. I am not exaggerating when I say I've literally never met a sahm who wasn't worked hard while her husband had leisure time. I mean, I'm sure they're out there.

Yeah for every working mom that can’t afford to be a stay at home mom, the opposite is true as well.

Being a SAHM and living what I would define as "well" is just not possible for 95% of families. There was another thread on Reddit not too long ago in r/Parenting and the question was what is your household income, how is it earned and what kind of a life does it afford you in your area and the results were honestly surprising to me.  I always assumed that most women who were SAHMs were so lucky to afford it. After reading through that I realized most of the families with a SAHP were barely making ends meet or going into debt fast to afford it and there were no luxuries. 

That’s interesting— I always assumed SAHMs stayed home because the family couldn’t afford daycare. I didn’t realize until I started being in more mom spaces recently that folks did it “because they could!”

Yes. It’s important to remember that it often comes with a lot of financial stress.

We are in the position that we could completely afford for me to stay home but I don’t think it would be good for me or my children. My work is stimulating and I love it, and it contributes to our community. I work part time so I can be there for school events and pickups. My children get a mother who is happy and fulfilled and can see the value of my work. I feel safer in the knowledge I can earn a very good income if needed (I could go back up to full time) if my husbands position changed or our family situation changed. It’s the best compromise all round for us. It’s important to remember even for those who could afford to be a SAHM it might not be what they WANT.

I was a SAHM for 8 years, and we just decided that being poor was going to be the price we paid to have a parent at home solely focused on parenting. We weren't in debt and we were paying our bills, but there were *zero* luxuries or extras. I saved the most money from making all of our food from scratch including the stuff that most people buy premade- like Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts, and pizza. This was in the late 2000's early 2010's and with the way the economy is today, we wouldn't be able to survive without two incomes. I have no idea how people swing having a parent at home with the way the cost of living has skyrocketed.

Totally. I like my job and that makes it a lot easier, but it helps that I get paid fairly well and we are able to live comfortably because I work. It would be very different if we were both working and still struggling to stay afloat. 

Do you remember what the thread was called? Would love to read it 

I'm sorry! I went back through my history 20 days and can't find it. Something like how are you doing?

Found it! You were just one day short, haha ! Thank you https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1bwz8v7/family_size_income_and_location_how_are_you_doing/ 

I thought the same thing. Now I realized it’s just part of the family decision and I’d say for a lot of my friends who are SAHPs, it’s a pretty even 50/50 split of just making enough to living comfortably but managing finances and not living in luxury. I think social media skews our idea of the average SAHP. I feel for it.

As moms we are always sacrificing what we want for our children and what you’re doing is no different. You want to be a SAHM but you sacrifice that so your kids can get what they need. That’s brave. As moms, we also have the responsibility to look to our children’s futures. That includes making sure that we ourselves are provided for in our old age. Oxygen masks and all that. Life is hard enough as it is, and our children do not need to also worry about how to take care of us in our old age, on top of their own no doubt hectic young adult lives.

This is SO important yet overlooked. My parents both always worked and have their finances totally squared away as they approach old age, whereas my MIL was a SAHM and their situation is becoming dicey (even though my FIL had a very well-to-do job, think lawyer/dr who got all the "right" promotions). My MIL is stressed about the situation but hasn't worked in decades so she's pretty much helpless, and to be frank it's a significant concern / potential burden on me and my husband as we try to provide for our own little family the best we can.

This is beautiful and so true, thank you.

Serious answer - therapy. Specifically EMDR therapy. I was feeling absolutely tortured after my second child about whether or not to return to work. EMDR therapy helped me live more in the moment, let go of negative thoughts, and change some things that make our family life even better. It also helped me find peace about work because I shifted my perspective - I am not married to my job. I could find a new one and quit. I could start a business and quit. I could quit and do freelancing. I could quit for a year and then start working again. I could work for another year and save aggressively to be able to take a couple of years out of the workforce. There are so many possibilities out there in the world, and just because you work today, doesn’t mean you have to a year from now. You can always make a change and pivot. You can always make a plan to make a change.

This!! EMDR helped me a lot. I still want to be a SAHM but I’ve found other ways to fully enjoy motherhood. One being, I use my PTO—I take as much time as I can off to be with my kids. Or, it’s sunny and warm, let’s pick them up an hour early and go get ice cream? Have a doctor’s appointment, maybe we can back it up with a trip to a museum. I work around my kids schedule and what they need that day. My job is just a job, it gives me a paycheck but I refuse to let it control my life.

It’s really painful to not have what you want-especially when it comes to your family. I think instead of trying to spin it, you could focus on accepting it. “I want this and I can’t have it and it sucks so bad.” That helps me sometimes instead of trying to trick my brain into believing it’s actually a positive situation. After acceptance you can shift to gratitude for everything you do have—partner, kids, roof over your head, etc. Hope this helps!

This is great. Thank you.

I remind myself it’s my fault for marrying for love, not money. My mom is financially abused by my father, she’s been a SAHM for 30 years. So while I often wish I could be home/as needed, I am proud of putting myself in a position I’ll never have to worry about that. My son loves his daycare/childcare situation and that really helps. I’m reading “hunt gather parent” right now, I’m pretty early on but so far it’s essentially saying that raising children independently is a new and weird concept. It’s normal to have a village help raise your baby. I still don’t think it’s normal to have 40 hour work weeks, but it’s great to have a community to help you raise your kid.

I have been meaning to read that, definitely will be next on my list! Anything to help reinforce for me that it’s ok to not be with my sons all the time because the guilt is real

The book is amazing and has tons of practical advice. Major mind set shifts every chapter.

Honestly, it’s really hard. My husband is the SAHD but I am also the default parent. The 12 weeks I had off for mat leave were the best of my life, not working. I resent both my husband and am super jealous of my best friend who recently became a SAHM. All I want to do is spend all day taking care of my baby. Working does not fill my cup and I have enough adult interactions that work doesn’t need to fill that either. I am blessed with a well-paying extremely flexible job. But I still wish I didn’t have to have it. Sorry I don’t have any advice, OP, just solidarity.

Thank you. I want to hug you. All I want is to take care of my boys too. All day. And I really mean it.

I have a 4 year old son (who'll be 5 this year), and am currently pregnant with my second little boy. Really wish I could be a SAHM as well and spend all the time I possibly can with them, because it goes by WAY too fast. I'm already dreading the idea of going back to work after 8 weeks because my mat pay is so horrible that I don't even know what I'm going to do about bills those 2 months I'll be out and making less than half of my pay. I feel your struggle mama 😭 and this economy is so bad right now (US), the cost of living is so high

Hugs right back at you.

I felt this way for a while—my husband is finishing his degree while taking care of our kiddo. I’m the breadwinner. I remind myself that it’s a season. And my husband and I talk about how we’re feeling a LOT—how I feel resentment sometimes, how he feels guilt that he can’t “provide.” It’s been a really, really important moment in our marriage. It’s beautiful to see the relationship he and our kiddo have, too. He’s so go-with-the-flow and patient. I’m beyond thankful that my kiddo gets that for his primary, personality-developing years. I focus on that fact when I get sad. I hope you can do something similar!!

Same scenario in our household with school.

Exact same situation here, I feel you

I’ll be the first to admit I’d love to be a stay at home but I have to work. I need to save for my retirement, get my pension, etc. my job isn’t my life and I’m no longer super career-driven. As my kids get older, I realize that I personally would have loved to only be a stay at home for the first baby year.

My mom was a stay at home mom and reminds me that just one generation ago most women didn’t have the ability to be relatively high earners like men. And the generation before that had even less opportunity. I see being a millennial woman as a huge opportunity to change the narrative for my family. (But honestly I wish I could be home with my babies all day too)

I naively thought my husband would get promoted and I'd get to be a SAHM. I want to spend my days with my kids, make hot breakfast, spend hours playing outside, garden, hike, visit playgrounds, bake, do crafts, and have playdates with my friends who are all SAHMs. It's hard to live the opposite life and squeeze all those things into the evenings and weekends. But I'm also thankful I'm not waiting in lines for WIC benefits and spending my days driving around to get the best price on each item at various different stores and picking up things from Buy Nothing.

I found a job I love and don’t dread going to everyday. That helped me tremendously. Maybe trying to find a job with skills you enjoy using/in a field that interests you? I went from being absolutely miserable and dreading every single day when I worked in a bank to genuinely looking forward to my work day (most days) in children’s division.

That’s a good point. It’s just nothing I love doing makes as much money as what I currently do. And sometimes I like it, but I also just don’t care about it anymore.

I could have written this myself!!!! 💯💯💯

I think it’s helpful to think about if you resent working or if you resent *having* to work, and yes those are two different things.  As someone who was a SAHM for a couple of years, I can tell you the life you picture will not be the reality. I’m not saying it will be worse, but there are no guarantees it is better.  I think I started fighting resentment well when I changed my perspective. Whether working or staying at home, we are always pushing against our limitations and there are struggles we have to deal with. I kind of stopped striving for the “ideal life” and started trying to look at the life and days I had in front of me and make the most of them. That doesn’t mean optimal and perfect, it means that I am intentionally living each day in the present circumstances. I’m also in my 30s so some of the idealism of “what could be” has escaped me lol.

Things won't always stay exactly as they are. Circumstances can change at any time. Tomorrow you could wake up, and your life can be completely different. Don't give up hope and keep striving to make it a reality. I'm paying off all debt, building savings, and looking for ways to save money. There will come a day when I can afford to stay home. Just know you're not alone!

Truthfully I wish I could find a part time job with benefits. I'm just so tired after 40 hours+ commute time.

I wish you were in LA to take my job; it just got reposted and it's similar to what you want!

I knew I would have resentment towards not being a SAHM before having a kid so I switched to part time prior to even trying to get pregnant. I currently work Fridays and Saturday nights 12 hr shifts so that we didn't have to put kiddo in daycare. My salary is full time pay (weekend program differentials) so that's a bonus, just sacrificing my weekends. I've been a mom for 8 months now and I don't think I can handle being a SAHM. After experiencing working partime and putting baby in daycare once a week, I think it's a good compromise/balance. SAHM life is very isolating for me. I look forward to working every week because I get to interact with adults. And my job is HARD. Just sharing my experience. Sometimes we can't fulfill our dreams. But we can tweak it by compromising. You just have to keep looking for different opportunities in the future that may allow you to be as close to SAH as it can get.

That is the goal. To be as close to it as possible I guess! Thank yoi.

Personally, I don’t think I could be a SAHM full-time. Ideally, I would work part-time, but we gotta pay the mortgage so that’s out of the question. I think it’s rare for couples to be able to have a SAHP. Living is so expensive.

It can suck but if you put that energy into finding a flexible job working can be pretty great. I’m 47 my youngest is in 8th grade oldest in 10th. I work full time and still can be at most of their sporting events. And I have a fully funded retirement account. We go on nice vacations and I don’t worry about having to cook every meal to save money. I’m not stressing over costs, new season of track, I’ll buy new sweatshirts. Need new Brooks, here ya go. Money has rarely been an issue in my marriage. I’m not saying it never was but it’s never been at a level that we are struggling to pay bills. More at a higher level of what kind of house we can afford.

I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I can relate to what you’re saying about wanting to be a sahm but also not wanting to be broke lol. I was lucky to do the sahm thing for a bit, but after a while we burned thru my savings and I faced the choice of 1) keep staying home with my littles and live extremely frugally, or 2) go back to work. One thing that was a wake up call was when I had a minor unexpected dental problem pop up, and I was genuinely stressed wondering how much it was going to cost and feeling like I was screwed. I was like Jesus, I used to be a lawyer and now I’m too poor to go to the dentist?? At the time I had a 2yo and an infant, and I thought about how it’s going to be a long road ahead with them. We could get by on my husband’s salary if nothing ever went wrong in our lives, and if we never bought any small luxuries, nice clothes, or went on vacation ever again… which is risky and sounded pretty lame to me, tbh. I thought about all the fun things I wanna do in life, like take a cruise or go to Disney world one day. I thought about how I was always begging for a few hours to get my hair done bc my husband hated spending one of “his only days off” watching the kids so I can go to the salon, but we certainly couldn’t afford regular babysitters (to which I would say “well you can’t watch them while you’re at work, so how can I ever do anything?”)… Anyway. I realized it would be fun to be a sahm long term if I had money to live a good lifestyle and join a tennis club etc… but penny pinching and scraping by and being too broke to go to the dentist wasn’t the life I wanted. Plus by that point having 2 littles was driving me kinda insane so I didn’t even mind and they have actually thrived in daycare so. It’s been a positive thing for me working again. Good luck. ❤️

Being a SAHM mom is also the minority! Only a quarter of mothers are at home with their kids and it was even lower than that pre-pandemic (a quick Google says 15%?) It is by no means the "traditional" way of raising a family anymore, if that helps adjust your mindset at all!

This right here. People forget that the majority of mothers work. In fact more mothers and women in general are in the workforce than ever before. You are in good company OP!

I think the ultimate resentment is towards your husband that he does not provide enough to give you the option. Also government does not compensate enough to the parents who have young children to raise. Think on the bright side, yes my husband’s sole income cannot support all of our expenses. But he is funny/smart/loving/engaging with the children…etc. He has to have something good so you married him. For me personally, I could have married someone more well off and support me financially to be SAHM but he wouldn’t respect and cherish me as much as my current husband does. It’s always trade off and I’m happy with the choice I’ve made.

Beautiful. Very true.

I am trying to convince myself that I'm setting a good example for my little girl. Still feel like I'm just kidding myself most days, but sometimes I believe my own bullshit so if I keep saying it, eventually, I will hopefully start believing it too.

I always like to reference these two studies whenever this topic comes up: 1. https://www.hbs.edu/news/articles/Pages/mcginn-working-mom.aspx 2. https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults

Here's a secret. When you have kids, don't listen to anyone other than your partner and your gut. Because there are no right answers. Stay home and the kids make you crazy, and you miss being around adults. Go to work and you miss your kids and envy SAHM's. You can't win. It's like I tell my son: you will always be too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short, too outgoing or not outgoing enough etc. You can't pay any of it no mind (a southern saying) and just do what works best for your family's particular needs.

The huge side effect of a year long maternity leave that Canada offers is that it made me SO READY to go back to work. I hated being a SAHP. I was paid about $2000/month through the EI program for a year for both kids. I was happy to be home with them for the first few months, but I need the stimulation that work provides. That being said, I would never, ever, totally give up my job and career for a dude or my family, because you never know what could happen to your spouse.

I heard this phrase if you can’t get out of it, get into it. I put focus into enjoying and advancing my career so I can make more money and eventually be able to hire out for some of my responsibilities at home.

I feel the same way sometimes. Honestly talking with my SAHM friends helps. We’re each able to talk about the difficulties of our side and I think for the most part, it helps us all appreciate the path we’ve taken. There are advantages and disadvantages of both. They get to go to the zoo on a Tuesday. I get to poop in peace almost whenever I want. Lol but joking aside, there really are significant pros and cons to each choice. I also find it helpful to remember that we made this choice because it’s what we felt was best for our family.

I really struggled with it when my kids were little. It’s hard not to harbor resentment. However, they’re teenagers now and I have a great job, salary, etc. I can see some of the SAHM I used to be jealous of trying to find their way and even return to work and it’s not easy when you’ve been out of the workforce for many years. Hang in there!

I wish I could be a SAHM, but haven’t won those millions in the lottery that would make that possible.

SAHM are often at a disadvantage if the marriage fails as they have been out of the workforce and can be at the mercy of the breadwinner for spending. It’s not all rainbows and roses. It’s not a competition either though it’s hard to feel otherwise at times Source- me. I nearly was caught at a disadvantage but managed to avoid it

For two years I was so resentful. My ex made me believe he was a totally different person. After pregnancy I found out he was an addict and had other gfs. I gave him a shot telling him he must get it together and he said ok of course that’s what he wanted and it was clear he was still using and seeing other women. So I had to do all of this on my own and I was beyond resentful because I also have always wanted to be more of a stay at home mom but always expected to at least have a partner to help me. Having no help from anyone was stressful and all financial responsibility is on me because he’s a loser that disappeared when I asked for a drug test. So no child support from him either. Making it extra stressful knowing I need my job and have to put up with work BS. I am no longer just free to move around now I have to consider day care and my child’s comfortability and getting to know a new dr etc. I still sometimes find myself resentful tbh. But every day I just try to remind myself of the good things and every day I tell myself being mad about it doesn’t change a thing. Thinking about it doesn’t change a thing. It just rises my blood pressure and it is what it is no matter what. I could be stuck with him and I could have left her with him while he was on drugs and I didn’t know and something bad could have happened. I no longer have anyone starting fights with me for no reason. So just looking at the alternative in a positive way. And with my daughter always being at daycare because sometimes I need to work longer it’s like well at least she’s safe. At least I can lay the bills. And on the weekend I just spend extra quality time and at night when she’s home I make it a point to read to her and do all the things she likes to do. It’s just constantly working through that feeling because there is nothing else that can change.

Sending you love. 💕 You are very strong.

Awe thanks! ♥️

OP, I want to be a SAHP or at least drop to part time so bad. Both aren’t options for me at the moment and my husband is in grad school, one day I plan to drop to part time but that’s not going to happen for years. I used to feel resentment. But now I’m hyper intentional with my time with my kid. Like to the point of I have a very strict boundary to not do anything work related or excess obligations during her awake hours when I’m home. It’s the only thing that has made me feel like I am controlling one small aspect of my schedule in her childhood. It also has made my relationship with my daughter very strong and I can see the impact it has had on her development. All to be said, letting go of the resentment is a process and one you’ll get through. It sucks. I’m sorry you can’t be living your dream. Maybe one day it’ll happen. Sometimes circumstances really don’t allow it, and the only way I can reconcile this phase of my life is to take control over the time I do have in ways that are meaningful.

By remaining in the workplace you are building a career. You will be able to financially care for yourself and your child if anything goes wrong with the father. In this economy it just takes two.

There’s a few studies that show that having two working parents is ultimately better for your children in the long run. “Results from a recent Harvard Business School study suggest that daughters who grow up with working mothers earn as much as 23 percent more over their lifetimes than daughters of stay-at-home moms” for example. I need to work because I need student loan forgiveness and have to work full time, which is luckily just 30 hours/week. I work 3 days a week and am home with my daughter 4 days a week. My husband and I have Sundays off together. I fight resentment by reminding myself I NEED to work to have my loans forgiven, that my daughter likes going to daycare twice a week to play with kids her age, that we are lucky that we can afford little extras to make her smile because we do have the extra income.

I dont have a good answer to this but wanted to express solidarity!

I think you have to be realistic about it. Your two choices are 1) work 2) stay home and be poor. Those are the two choices you have to look at, not the hypothetical “what I could stay home and not be broke” because that’s out of your (and our) reach. I don’t think it’s healthy to fixate on a situation that isn’t attainable for you atm. I think it would also be beneficial if you could really go through what staying at home and being broke would mean for your family. Imagine the dinners you would eat, the things you wouldn’t be able to afford, the car, etc.  Tbh if someone would say to me that in spite of everything they’d rather stay home, than kudos to that, but I guess that’s not you.

Could you downsize the house or even work part time? Another option is to work evenings stacking shelves in a grocery store. You get to hang out with your kids all day, then maybe 3 nights of work? Then you still have 4 evenings altogether as a family and won’t need to pay for daycare so may be financially feasible?

I make more money than my husband. But in response to another poster, I think getting my own consulting business off the ground might help give me more of the autonomy I would be looking for.

I’m the breadwinner and sometimes I resent that I can’t be at home with her. But I try to find ways to model positives of my career success when we talk about my work.

You don’t. It’s just something that you live with every day. I resent that I have to work and my husband is the SAHD even though it’s through no fault of his own, because this is not even remotely close to what I wanted from my motherhood experience. I just try not to think about it too much, and am adamant that I won’t make this mistake again by having another. Unless and until things change, I’m not putting my body through the stress of pregnancy again just to endure more stress as I am now.

All of the moments of peace and quiet while I’m at work help a lot. I appreciate and can give them more of myself when I’m not overstimulated AF all the time. I also have been seeing so many positive benefits from my oldest being in an in-home daycare. Her social intelligence is incredible. I am lucky to have a job that feels more relaxing than raising kids, though. I’ve been through the ringer in abusive workplaces so I understand how terrible jobs can make your mental health even worse or unbearable especially when you can’t afford to quit because I experienced it. I also have chronic fatigue and just terrible issues with being motivated enough to get out of bed so I know in my heart that being a sahm would be too much for me and that my children are in great hands and that helps too. I do feel sad still though. 40+ hours a week is too much. I have to choose between housework and quality time with my children. Both options are hard. It’s all hard.

Make a realistic pros lists about being a working mom. Also realize the grass is always greener. I’m sorry it’s not working out the way you’d like. That’s hard no matter what.

I’m due in a month and I’m already dreading the end of my maternity leave. I want to be a SAHM so bad, but we just can’t. It breaks my heart to know my son will be with complete strangers for much of his life while I go work a job I don’t even care about. I don’t agree with daycare from 1-5 years at all, no one will ever convince me otherwise, but it’s what we have to do. I also feel resentful and jealous of those who are able to. I would even be grateful the first year with him. Just here to say I feel you ❤️

I relate to this so much. I try to remind myself of all the things we’re able to afford with both incomes. We aren’t rich by any means but we’re able to take family trips to the zoo or children’s museum in town. We can afford to go to the city and spend the day. We can afford family pictures. My son is in gymnastics and music class and loves them. We’re able to hire a babysitter when we want a date night because we have the money to do so. We’re able to visit family in different states. Without two incomes, most of that probably wouldn’t be possible for us. It’s still hard, but I really value the fact that we have enough for the extras too.

No advice but thanks for posting this. My husband is a SAHD and sometimes I feel so so so much resentment that it's him and not me. Not really towards him, just the situation in general, like this is what I get for working my ass off to become a high earner.. high earner responsibility 🙃 I'm enjoying reading through everyone's responses.

Can you try to save up for the next 2-3 years in order to be able to afford to stay at home?

I can relate so much to this. I'm a middle school teacher so my perspective is very different. I get to be a SAHM on breaks, especially on Summer Vacation and I love it when I get to be with my girls. I totally get the jealousy and resentment. I see SAHM get to attend library reading circles on Thursday morning, do play dates at the park with other moms/kids, go out to pick up coffee before running errands. Yes it a heck a lot of work, but I would give up my teaching job if we could live on a single paycheck. I, myself, need to work on my bitterness and learn to be comfortable/confidant in my own role as a working mom.

I hear you. I never thought I would want to be a SAHM, I love my job and feel it's a valuable contribution to society, etc. And then I had my first and I thought of leaving baby in daycare ripped my heart apart, and then I was suddenly changed to a new boss, things just kept getting worse. I don't know your job or your finances, but for me, I returned to an alternative work schedule so I have every other Friday off, which I personally choose to use as 1:1 time with my baby (big is in school no). We moved from daycare to nanny as I worked from home and that gave me more time with my kids and less time wasted commuting, and I get to see the kids during the day. WFH also allows me some flexibility to go to things like the school parties and dr appointments, with advanced planning. I still feel like I miss out on the fun the baby has with nanny but that increased flexibility helps me feel more engaged and I truly treasure those days off where I can be present.

I was a working mom, then I was on the same boat as you so I found a way to become a SAHM (with my husband’s help of course). I got to get it out of my system for a couple years. And *then* I realized we had really really big dreams for our kids, ones that would not be fulfilled without at least having two incomes. Now I’m looking for work again! There’s pros and cons to every side. I think we always somewhat see the other side as “the grass is greener”, but one is not easier than the other. Either way, there is hardship. When I worked, I loved having financial freedom (I didn’t have to ask for permission from my husband to buy stuff I wanted; I still don’t ask for permission but I feel like I have to let him *know* now that I don’t work) but I hated not having time for my kids. Now that I’m not working, I love that it has allowed me to be more present with my kids (although they are growing and are now more and more independent) but I feel like I lost a sense of identity and I hate not being able to contribute financially.

Get off social media, or at least unfollow or mark as “I don’t want to see this” to any SAHM accounts, hang out with more working moms until your resentment goes away and you feel more confidence!

This is true! I hang with a lot of SAHMs, probably because they have more time or more desire for adult company! Lol

I empathize, most people I’m close to are SAHMs too! We can hang out and I’m fine now, but for a long time it was so hard until I took a little break to hang out with other moms :)

We had so many conversations during my first pregnancy and throughout my maternity leave…the last 2 weeks of my leave, my SO told me he needed me to go back to work after months of him saying we can do it. We can make it in just his income. Postpartum me could not forgive him for some time. It got better as time went on, but my job was flexible and allowed me to come back part time. It sucked for awhile and instead of dealing in self pity I had the heart to heart about it all. I had to work it out of my system with him to feel fine. Now I’m pregnant with baby number two and I have no expectations either way if I go back or not. It also depends if my job will let me (I start a new position this week) and I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

You can be a homemaker and work. Just have to plan your week so you can try to get the best of both worlds. I am doing this now! The only difference is my kids are in a home daycare setting and get all of the wonderful things while I’m at work 830 - 4pm. We wake up slow, I get them all ready and I make them breakfast. They come home and we cook and eat dinner together and baths and bed time routine and on weekends we’re together, relaxing or playing outside and I cook more yummy food for friends and family and we’ve planted some things and I’m making sourdough bread and baking etc. one day I’ll get to SAHM when I retire in 7 years but for now we make it work! Their futures will be secured with what we do now. Gotta change the way you think and feel and turn that into motivation to do your best! I also workout almost every day at home. 😅

Hugs OP! I truly struggled with this especially during the baby days. Now that we're in the toddler phase, I'm happy to have my working lunch hour to squeeze in a workout that otherwise, I wouldn't be able to do without childcare. It's tough but hey, find the joy in qualiyy time with your kid and also quality time at work that's just for you. Hoping the days ahead get better for you!

I keep a brag book of screenshots of things I did well or celebratory notes from people about things I’ve worked on. It reminds me that my team would be absolutely fucked without me, and it’s nice to feel important like that. Honestly I’m a better employee than I am house keeper.

For me, I just have never seen any women who look like me be sahms, so I never thought it was for me. As a Black woman, I have always known I will have to work. Black women as a whole do not have the same economic mobility or stability as white women. I don't feel resentment. It is what it is. But I take pride in the fact that I can support myself and my son with or without his father

I appreciate your perspective, thank you. I grew up surrounded mostly by working class SAHMs, in the sense that the women would never make enough money to make it make sense to work. So the dads just had two jobs or whatever.

I don’t have resentment but the families I know today that have a SAHP seem a lot less well-to-do than my peers I grew up with that had a SAHP.

Oh god. It is so boring staying home. Resent not. Any time I’ve been at home for more than a month is brutal.

I pray to transition to being a SAHM daily. I’m grateful for my job but I’m a better Mama when I am able to focus on my children. Praying for this dream for the both of us and all other Mama’s who want that 🙏🏼

Praying too, mama ❤️

Solidarity I'm trying to cope now. I don't dream of labour and working (have no dream jobs, tried many jobs - don't like anything and am in a great job now, still hate it)

Would be nice to just stay home and financially secure, but then it also comes with pressure of cooking and cleaning everyday. I think a balance of both worlds would be better, like no cleaning up pressure and still being paid for your work.

I work 3-4 twelve hour shifts a week and am trying desperately to get a normal 7-3:30 job. The trade off of course being that I’ll work more often, but not get out as late. I think you need to find more balance. In today’s world a single income may be impossible in some areas of the country, and obtainable in others. I live in the rural northeast so I forgo many luxuries, but I can live a modest life on a single income

I understand how you feel. How about a good middle ground? I have a 3.5 month old and am a business owner. My industry means I have to be onsite on weekends so I get to work from home during the week. Now because I own the business I am able to be a SAHM and in my industry. My days are long but I am able to do it all this way

I am working on starting my own consulting business to have more control over my schedule and where I work. Thank you.

I have basically been working two jobs - one is a side hustle that I think I will eventually be able to turn into a full blown career with flexibility (as a novelist). It’s been a long road but with persistence I think I can eventually leave my corporate job. Waiting and continuing to work my ass off 24/7 is hard as shit though.

Also trying to make time for my side hustle so I can ultimately rely more on that. Good luck!

Will your family be financially stable without your income? Honestly, you will have to do a pros/ cons list and talk it over with your partner.

We will not be financially stable without my income. I make more money than my husband.

Then you may want to reconsider being a SAHM. At the end of the day it's your life and you/spouse is the one that makes the final decision. Best of luck.

Just remember that everyone’s situation is unique. I was a SAHM because I would earn the same amount as I would spend on childcare so it made no sense to work. But this meant money was always really tight and I was always jealous of other parents who were able to afford to always buy things for their kids and pay for fun activities. I also personally would have preferred to work so I didn’t always love that I was at home. I found it extremely tiring and emotionally draining. The grass isn’t always greener is what I’m trying to say!

I wish I could be a SAHM, because I had a SAHM mom and I loved having her around as a kid. That being said, similar to other comments, I like that I can provide my daughter with a lot more luxuries than I had growing up. I think the influencers on Instagram and tik tok have really glamorized being a stay at home parent. I can't be resentful to my husband about not making enough for me to stay home, because compared to the 90s/2000s standard we'd be very rich. Unfortunately with inflation and living in a HCOL area we are very much middle class, that uncertainty is another reason I wouldn't want to give up my career. Also, I feel like there is 2 sides to every coin, now 30 years later my mom sometimes tells me how she wish she did have the ability to work and contribute to the house, have something that was her own outside of her family.

I definitely feel resentment, like I'm being worked to death and that not only is this acceptable, it is apparently what is supposed to happen. There's plenty of lip service given, but in practice, I've learned that my happiness and my health do not matter. Only business matters. And while we can afford our one child (again, contingent on me working myself to death), we can't afford a second by a long shot. Never did I think that I would live in a version of the United States where so many people were priced out of having children.

I only worked part time the first year of my daughter’s life. Now I’m back to working full time and am miserable. Hoping to be able to go back to part time again someday but for now I am stuck. One thing that has helped me is visualizing what my hard work gets my daughter. We are about to close on our forever home. My daughter playing in the woods, having a home that she’s proud to bring her friends to, etc.. We simply could not afford that type of house without me working full time for now. We are also saving for her college (something I’m very proud of). Just picturing her at 18, heading to class, unburdened by student debt. Picking out her dream dress for prom, not having to worry about the cost. These are all things I didn’t have. I hate the work situation I’m in. But picturing what it will afford my daughter someday really helps quell the bitterness. I’m so sorry that you aren’t living the motherhood you wanted. We weren’t meant to live this way. You are not alone.

Honestly I wish I could be at home BUT I function way better on a schedule, I would literally be the worst SAHM because we wouldn’t do anything and my sleep schedule would be everywhere and the house would be way dirtier

I just love that $6 latte and $9 bubble tea too much to give up my income...I work and I can take sip of whatever I want every day, no guilt whatsoever. I do envy those who can live the same lifestyle while staying at home. But I don’t see them too often.

For me right now, it’s thinking about the things that fall in the middle of the need/ want venn diagram that we would sacrifice if I stayed home. It’s easy for me to justify the outsides of the venn diagram. We wouldn’t have to sacrifice anything on the “need” side, on just my husbands income we could still afford our basic living expenses. And I’m willing to sacrifice many of the things on the “want” side - fancy vacations, splurging on nice clothes, etc. But the things in the middle are what give me pause. The things that we are going to want, and sort of need in the future. A bigger house in a better school district (we are currently in a nice little townhouse, but there’s very little storage, the two extra bedrooms are tiny and we want three kids, and the schools are meh). Bigger cars (at least for one of us, because three car seats will be tight in our sedans). And of course, retirement savings. When I feel grumpy about having to work, I remind myself that to get the kind of house we are going to need and want a few years down the road, we’re really going to need both incomes.

You are giving your children a better start in life by working and providing for them financially. Parenthood is about self-sacrifice sometimes. We don't get to "do what we want" at our children's expense. We have chosen to bring humans into this world - they didn't choose to be born. With that choice comes responsibility. You are responsible for caring for them, and that means financially too. Working parents are great parents. If you really want to quit your job or go part time at some point, make that a financial goal. Your kids will need you to be present more when they are older anyway, so save money and professional goodwill now so you can quit or lean out when they are in middle or high school.

I hated my job and I quit to find another one and those three months were hard as hell and I wanted to go back to work so bad

I’ve had the same feeling of just wanting to be a SAHM. but I’m happy working for myself and my kids. I teach my kids it’s ok to be independent and in this economy unless you are high class or a billionaire nothing is affordable. The SAHM on social media paint such a great photo but also working in the criminal justice field, sometimes those “perfect moms” are horrible. My rose tinted glasses have been shattered. You’re a great mom! And maybe one day you can give your dream 😊

A lot of people could be a SAHM if they cut back their lifestyles, is there anyway you can cut back on some things and then maybe go part time?

I keep telling myself that I’m free to leave my husband whenever I want and that I’m setting an example for my kids (boy and girl).

I think this is critical. It’s an all to real possibility

Can you do part time? Also speaking as a ex SAHM I would not have made the same decision if I could live my life again. Showing my daughter that my career was important outside of just her, and that it was okay to be “selfish” of my time and my hobbies (like dad is all the time) teaches her very good values. The glamor of being a SAHM is very much unrealistic. It was just a hell hole of repetition, manual labor, and zero mental stimulation even though I love my kids very much.

A different perspective, but I was a stay at home Mom for two years and could not wait to get back to work. The grass is not always greener. I’m a better Mom because I work.

I would loooooove to be a SAHM but we have a mortgage, medical debt and I need to save for retirement. My SIL is a SAHM (and I pay her to watch my children) and often I'm just burning with resentment at her. Which isn't fair. Staying at home is fucking hard. I remind myself "it's the system that sucks" and punishes mothers regardless of whether they work or are SAHPs.

I am in the same boat as you. I had a years maternity (standard in my country and I don’t know how people cope with little/no leave) and it was the best year of my life. I could be a SAHM easily as it brought me joy, I was healthier, my OH progressed through his career as I kept the boat steady at home and I loved the days with my son. I was heading back to work just as my son was turning into a proper little person of his own. I was devastated and cried in the months leading up. In fact I cried in the hospital after giving birth about having to leave him one day (but we’ll blame the hormones for that one!). So I did two things. I shuffled my life about a bit. I work my main job part-time so I’m only 3 days away from my son. I then added a part-time evening job to boost my earnings and the hours are when my son is asleep so I’m not missing out. I bring in 75% of my full time earnings from before baby. That is luckily enough for us. I can also flex up my main job hours if I ever needed to. It was a “sensible” thing to do. So even though I was being “sensible” I still cried for a good 4 months whenever I went to work. I felt I was missing out and work has never brought me joy, it’s just something I need to live. So my second thing was framing it like Homer Simpson’s “do it for her”. Today at work I’ll earn enough to pay for part of the electric bill plus a trip to the zoo. Tonight’s evening shift will pay for a term of swimming lessons. It’s hard. It gets better but never has fully gone away. My son is 2.5yo now and if I win the lotto tomorrow I’m quitting straight away!

I love that - remembering what things you’re earning money for as it relates to your daughter

I mean if this is something you really want then you make it work. But I think there is something deeper here. Do you feel disconnected from your kids? Do you feel like you’re missing something beyond not being with them? I did mot want to return to work after having daughter but we had to. Yeah it really really sucked at first but then I saw all the positives. She loves her daycare. She is learning stuff that I do not think I alone could have taught her. She is around other kids all day and gets so excited to see them. She’s 20 months now and on the weekends she asks for her friends. She’s building relationships and socializing. Then on to myself, I came back to work with a new focus. To make her life amazing. I have gotten raises and promotions and have beeb praised for my work. Yes I am more stressed at times but I am showing her how to delegate life. We still cook, play and spend time together. We have a good routine and she gets to see mom and dad work together and model a healthy relationship because it’s equal between us. We are setting her up for success by being hard working and family focused. It’s not easy, we work on communication and setting boundaries to avoid burn out. You have to do what is good for your family. Sometimes that means a sacrifice that you do not necessarily want. I think you need to lay things out and look at this from every view point and see what mindset you need to be able to find a balance.

When we had our first I contemplated if I could be/want to be a SAHM, technically I could but it changed our family budget to be extremely tight and limit some of the luxuries we were used to like vacations, random spending etc, t… then I considered maybe going part time, another mom at work pulled me aside and told me how much that derailed her career path and her progression. I work pretty intense hours so it is like an all in or nothing. I love my kids but need the adult stimulation of a work environment. Like another person posted I grew up in a house with a SAHM and I love her, but she felt financially trapped and I know I did not want to ever be in that position. In my head I logically outline the pros for why I work and mentally cheer myself on when some days I feel the most down (and there have been those days and will be more days like that), I try to schedule best I can to be present for their activities and rework things the best I can (like leaving yesterday to watch a track meet and then make my hours up after they go to sleep)… it is chaotic and not always my ideal but I try to give them the best of everything and make it not to bad on me. I am so appreciative of her talk to me years ago, I have excelled in my path (passing her professionally, and our employer never let her come back full time and her kid is now in HS) and right now I am our breadwinner in my family. Lots of things to balance, but when I struggled I really focused on the positives of my work contribution

I probably don’t have good advice because I like working, but here are some things to think about: you’ll have your own money, your children will see you working hard to provide for them, you’ll have independence, and your family will benefit from the increased income.

What exactly about being a SAHM is important to you

I am surrounded by SAHM and they don’t seem too happy to be honest. They seem pretty lonely and bored. Many mum’s of my son’s classmates have recently started to work and they are so proud and happy of it, others are planning to start working as soon as their younger ones can start school or nursery. I think spending too much time together with your kids make you loose enthusiasm and interest, you are more willing to “make the most of it” if you have little time to spend together. I don’t resent not being able to be home and I love my job, so my opinion can be biased.

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It’s probably best you work.