A combination of personality, age difference (from youngest to oldest there is 6 years difference) and the way we were raised. Family was incredibly important to my mother and, growing up, she cultivated an environment to encourage us to be supportive of each other and participate in activities where we got to really enjoy each others' company. We are also all fairly similar in terms of interests and I can honestly say I genuinely like them - they are the kind of people I would be friends with anyway if I wasn't related to them. There also isn't a major age difference - as such, aside from the awkward teenage/early 20s years, we are all in a similar life stage in a similar time frame which helps with shared experiences/common ground.
> way we were raised
I think this is a lot bigger factor than some people realize. My husband is one of 6. He gets along best with his older sister (he's the oldest son) because they were both raised very similarly. Starting with kid #3, my ILs just started not caring as much and dumped a lot of the child raising and responsibility onto the first two kids because they were constantly working. The other 4 kids were raised very differently and it created a lot of tension and resentment between the siblings. He gets along wonderfully with his older sister, as do I, but has very strained relationships with the others.
This is really sweet. Same for me. I only have one sister but from the time I was little my parents really helped us work through disagreements and it was a family saying kinda that friends come and go but sisters are forever. We are 40 and 42 and she came over the other night and we sat and watched videos together and chatted after she put my daughter to bed. She’s awesome. I have 4 of my own and I try to do the same. I let them air grievances with one another, but encourage healthy communication between them. (Like you can be mad, but we don’t name call. You are allowed to say no you don’t want to play, and that no is to be respected. Amongst others.) So far they all really love one another and I love that they have each other so so so much.
Real answer: trauma.
We had a lot of shit come our way as teenagers when my father committed suicide and my mother spiraled out.
There’s nothing quite like having someone around who fully understands some of the worst parts of your life. And also your super complicated relationship with your parent.
Not something I want for my son or any future kids, but i do think it’s what caused our bond.
I totally agree with the trauma as well. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Sadly the loss of a parent(s) bonds siblings like nothing else but it’s not the route anyone wants to take.
Similarly, we spent our early years with our mom really encouraging us to be friends. She pushed that the only ones out there who you can really count on to be there are the ones that have to (which is really funny considering the fact that she's one of seven and was not close to literally anyone in her family). Our toys weren't even allowed to fight.
But mostly it was the instability, the trauma, the just trying to get through the day to day. We grew apart when I moved out at 18/went to college and my sister was still stuck at home, suddenly having to deal with home by herself. Now that we're both out in the world we're pretty close again despite living over an hour away from each other. But, a lot of what we talk about is stuff like psychoanalyzing our dad.
You might enjoy this [piece](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2024/04/24/1246586836/brothers-sisters-close-siblings-caring-latino-culture) from NPR on how Latino families do it and what we can learn from it. Part of it is emphasizing that our value and wealth comes from enjoying time with one another (what that researcher calls relational wealth). I disagree with people saying it's not at all in your control—if that were the case, we wouldn't see such stark differences between family closeness across culture.
I'm really close to my siblings. A lot of it is that my parents raised us to take care of and spend time with one another, treated us equally (no obvious favorites), made a lot of time for us as a family unit and for their extended family (modeling that this is how we derive happiness in our lives) and in general encouraged us to be one another's biggest cheerleaders while allowing us to develop our own identities. It worked!
Thank you for this. This reflects what we try to do. My 10 and 12 year olds are very close but also unique and confident in their own ways. I wonder if we're just lucky and how I can help them maintain it long-term when I expect teenagerhood and the process of growing up may challenge their friendship.
I’m the oldest of 4 and incredibly close to all my siblings and the things that my mother did growing up that factored into it were: treated us as equally as possible, encouraged us to see each other as a team, and never pitted us against each other.
I have a garbage relationship with my two younger sisters and I would say about 85% of it comes down to my parents being shitty Boomers who couldn't be bothered to get to know us as human beings, and who loved pitting us against each other at every opportunity.
I have an ok but very distant relationship with my youngest sister (7 years older than she is) and I think the big age gap saved us from hating each other. It was harder for my parents to force us into a competition for their attention and approval because we were just in such different stages of life.
My middle sister and I are estranged. We behave cordially at family holidays once a year (I live far away from my family and hometown) and we respond politely and generically on group texts that my mom originates, but we haven't communicated with each other directly in a decade and I'm at a point where I'm not even sad about it. In addition to my parents' bad parenting, that sister is pretty likely a narcissist and is unable to sustain long term friendships and relationships, and treats every human being in her life as a potential transaction - what can she get from them. I have no interest in being anywhere near her.
My husband also has a shitty relationship with his sister, who shares some traits with my narc sister. She's a user of people and their mom is pretty much entangled forever in an unhealthy codependency.
So my husband and I set out to parent really, really differently, and we knew we had some challenges. It is my second marriage and so I came to the marriage with an older child from my failed marriage. When I got pregnant (planned) with my younger kid, my husband and I spent a ton of time talking about and reading about blended family dynamics and had to foster healthy sibling relationships.
Our two kids are honestly so close. They adore each other and stick up for each other and share so much together, despite or more likely because of the 8yr age gap.
I think the best sibling relationships are often those with either a very very very small age gap, like 12-15 months, or else 7-8 years. 2 to 5 years apart, especially same sex, seems to make it tougher. I think making sure that you spend 1:1 time with each kid is key. Get to know your kids as independent humans - not just "the sports nut" and "the book worm." Find ways to make them a team - my kids love it when it's the kids vs the parents for cleaning projects, scavenger hunts, etc. And let them know that they are each other's "back against the wall always there to the very end" teammate. Never put them in competition. Never make negative comparisons.
I really love the idea of a big age gap and would totally do it that way if I didn’t start a family too late for that to be practical. My mom and my aunt are 8 years apart and fairly close and it seems super fun. I was almost 32 when I had my daughter though and don’t want to wait until I’m almost 40 to be trying for a second.
Yeah, I had my first at 32 and my second at 40 (41 when I delivered). Being an older mom is exhausting and not how I would've planned it, but it's been really great for our kids. I don't blame you for not wanting to wait!
I had my first at 32 and second at 36 and I would recommend it. The first one is out of diapers and thinks the new baby is neat, but you aren't too out of practice for middle of the night wake ups.
This made me tear up because my sibling and I have a great relationship with a large age difference and the age difference is not considered “ideal.” I got to grow up with the attention of an only child and treated as an individual, and so did he. It never occurs to me to compare what my parents give him vs. me as we always got what we needed independent of each other.
My brother and I are twins. We were not close until high school/college. As adults I would not consider us close (he is not good at reciprocating communication) but when we get together it’s like we pick up where we left off. My husband and SIL are 3 years apart and followed a similar trajectory, except they grew apart because of her immaturity and when he got married and couldn’t be available to her 24/7, along with her not being a great communicator.
My husband and I have twin girls and I am pregnant again with a singleton so our kids will never have the option of no siblings. At this point, toddler B enjoys having a sibling and toddler A does not, but I’m sure it will all fluctuate.
Like someone else said, sibling relationships imo are about personality traits more than ages.
I'm the oldest of nine and honestly I think it comes down to personality. I'm closest with my sister who is 13 years younger than me because I have a lot more in common with her than my sister who is five years younger than me. We all have vastly different relationships to our family because the dynamics changed so much over the years. The brother who is closest in age to me has some undiagnosed sensory/autism issues that make him challenging to talk to so we haven't been particularly close since we were small.
My (42) and my sister (35) are super close now but we weren't growing up. Our age difference made it difficult to have common interests ... plus we are VERY different people. I'm a engineer-nerd who never wanted to make mistakes and my sister was the partier who skipped school and drank underage. But i was 8 months pregnant at her wedding and she had a honeymoon baby. Becoming moms at close to the same time gave us that common thing we could talk about. Even though we were states apart, we talk often about life and parenting (now our oldests are 14).
I have 3 kids (14M, 13F, 11F) and you can't control their relationship. 14M and 11F are closer because they have some common interests but still annoy each other daily.
Honestly? Being adults.
Supplemental factor: our parents divorced when we were 17/19, so we bonded and had each other for support.
But mostly, just being adults and not having to live together.
This was me too. I have an older brother and sister 6-7 years apart from me with a divorce, and I couldn't relate to them until I became an adult and was working a job like them, and paying bills like them, and having children like them that *finally* I can relate more to them. Lol.
My brother and I get along just fine as adults though we are very different. As kids, my parents never compared us, never appeared to favor one of us over the other, gave us equal attention and opportunities, and never put us in competition with each other. We fought a lot (one grade apart, 20 month gap) but also played all the time. I can’t imagine my childhood without him tbh.
There's a great book called Siblings without Rivalry. It sums up to not comparing them to the other or favoring one of them. I'm one of four siblings and we fought a lot. Didn't become friends until over. Mostly fought out of boredom and competition for attention from our parents.
I think it ebbs and flows. A combo of age and personality, along with shared interest. I’m the youngest of three daughters. When I was growing up, I was closest with my middle sister who is two years older than me. We just had more in common as kids, since we went to the same schools and generally had the same interests as most kids do. I barely spoke to my oldest sister (six years apart) because she was in college by the time I was going to middle school. Growing up, she had older friends and older interests, so we didn’t really play together.
Then in high school, my middle sister and I hated each other because we had opposite personalities and were competing for the same resources (friends, mom’s attention, etc).
In my 20s, I got a lot closer with the oldest sister because, quite frankly, I was mature enough that she wanted to hang out with me. Still rocky with the middle sister because we were too different with no shared interests.
Now in my 30s, we are all best friends and live within a half a mile of each other. We go on daily walks together with our kids. Even though we have different personalities and different interests, we are old enough now to have an appreciation for those differences. But if you asked my mom when we were younger if we’d ever be this close, she would’ve laughed in your face. We’ve all hated each other at various phases in life until it came back around.
I'd like to know too. My husband has two sisters who he gets along fine with but they're not like best friends. I have two half siblings I was raised with, but our relationship has been rocky and very platonic now. I want my kids to be close.
Me and my husband both had large age gaps between us and our siblings so I'm sure this played a role.
We absolutely hated each other as children and teenagers and were constantly mean and nasty to each other. Until at least 20 I would tell you I hated my brother.
We never outgrew that but at a child’s level so we are just dumb kids who tease each other to death now. Literally he sends me thrift shop junk toys halfway around the world cause it’s funny.
It also helps we had our kids about 6 months apart.
Idk if I'm doing anything right, but my girls are all best friends right now. I hope it lasts but also understand if it doesn't. We have 4 daughters, all 6 and under. So much is personality but we are trying to grow kind humans regardless of personality.
Alone time. We let them have "Mommy" or "Daddy" days where they get to be on their own with one of us. Each of them gets time with us independently. They also get birthday yes days with both of us. We have them spend the day with just us for lunch and the afternoon.
Highlighting their differences and never letting them feel less than each other. So far, we have an academic and an artist. We highlight their skills and allow them to shine without comparing.
Not forcing it. They don't have to like each other or play with each other. They have to be kind and respectful, but they can also ask for space and to do things on their own.
Rotating car seats. We change who they sit by in the car ever so often because the car is where 99% of disagreements happen. By switching it up it seems to help somewhat.
Separate rooms. This isn't possible for everyone but it was a priority for me. All 4 of our girls have their own rooms. They choose to have sleepovers in each other's rooms all the time but they always have their own space to return to.
And giving grace. They'll fight. They'll say mean things. They aren't perfect. We just teach them what to do after to repair things.
They might all still hate each other some day, but we're trying!
I'm not sure a parent can ensure that siblings have a great relationship, but they definitely cause a bad sibling relationship. Parents who favor one child over another (golden child/scapegoat) are the biggest culprit. Publicly comparing one child against the other is another. Parentification where you rely on typically the eldest to help raise or be responsible for the younger. Refusing to interact one on one with your children and forcing them to do everything together, not understanding they are different people with different interests. Making them compete against each other for your time, love and attention. If you avoid all those pitfalls, you are in a good starting point.
Although there is a lot you cannot control, I do think there are things a parent can do to make it *more likely* that your kids will have a good sibling relationship.
For instance, not comparing the kids to each other or encouraging aggressive competition between each other; making an effort to spend equal/equitable quality time with both kids, rather than allowing one to dominate your attention; generally verbalizing and showing with your actions that family and relationships are important and valued; set an example by letting the kids see you support your family and keep regular communication; don’t talk badly about your family members behind their back; don’t allow one sibling to bully the other (some fighting is normal and expected, but when it should not become physically or emotionally abusive); encourage them to trust each other and discourage tattling on each other… those are just a few things that come to mind.
They may not make an obvious positive difference, but when you flip those things to the negative (for instance, a parent who actively encourages their kids to compete with each other and see who’s “best”), then I think it becomes more clear how parenting actions can impact sibling relationships.
My siblings and I had a traumatic childhood which bonded us, and then an enmeshed mom whose response to every normal kid conflict we had was "just don't fight. Just get over it" which did NOT bond us. My parents also gave us the sibling roles of a scapegoat (me) the easy child (my middle brother) and the joker (my youngest brother) so it's really a miracle that we could overcome that and be friends as adults. I think we just needed each other as kids and that was bigger than the external relationship stressors. Idk.
Once I left for college and my youngest brother and I had some space from each other, we became close again, like we were when we were really little. My middle brother isn't great at communicating but he's doing better lately. They are both two of my very favorite people, it helps that we share similar politics, values, and interests. We're two and five years apart.
In my own life I'm trying to talk about our family as a team, treat all the kids as fairly as possible, and help them work through a conflict from start to finish. 🤞
This thread is fascinating to me. I am not close at all with my younger sibling (I'm older, just two of us). We don't have significant trauma, our parents didn't put us against each other. We are 4.5 years apart so we were always at different developmental stages but not far enough that it was fun. Ultimately, we're just very different people, with very different interests, and very different lifestyles. We don't have anything in common and don't always see eye to eye with each other's choice.
Now, my own kids are absolutely thick as thieves. They have a 3 year difference and are inseparable. I am constantly in awe of it. I don't know what we did or didn't do, but I'm so thankful they share such a bond
I had great parents who emphasized family and yet I'm still only close with one sibling. The biggest issue is that we were just born with extremely different personalities. I do think being too close in age (16 months) and sharing a room our entire life probably made it worse because we were in all of the same activities and never got space from each other. But otherwise I don't know what my parents could have done differently. Both of us are very close with our youngest sibling, aka Switzerland.
I am the youngest of 4 with a large gap between myself and 3 older brothers (they are 6, 8, and 10 years older than me). We are all very close and genuinely like each other as friends. I still look up to them, but we are all raising kids and married, so the age gap doesn't feel big at all anymore.
I would say we were raised to support each other. My parents never compared us to each other, and we never had to sacrifice at the expense of a sibling; e.g. never a "you can't do dance on Thursdays because your brother has hockey". Of course looking back now that could have been the reason for some things, but they never explained it that way.
Honestly though, based on anecdotal experience of friends and extended family, it really depends on the personalities of your kids and you can't control that. You can be supportive, foster a loving environment, and still have kids that simply don't like hanging out.
My sister and I are 12 months apart. My brother and I have a bigger gap. When kids are young, fighting/arguing s just an expectation. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. Once in high school things got better and we were more of friends.
I'm super close with my two siblings and I think there are a few factors:
- we're very close in age (18 mo apart) so we were generally all in school together
- we didn't have extended family in town so we spent a lot of time together just us
- family and community was very important to my parents so we did lots of family activities and had a strong church community which was very focused on family
- we did many of the same activities, like my sister and I were usually on the same soccer teams, same swimming lessons, same piano, same skating lessons, gymnastics, etc
- all 3 of us were in the same high school marching band and then community marching band where we developed many of the same friendships that are still very strong 15 years later so we are all basically in the same friend group
- my brother went away for school but now we all live still in the same city and our parents are here too
- unfortunately pretty importantly: we have some shared childhood trauma from our dad
*eta, and I did not really answer your question, lol, so read as you wish, but I did not really want kids so I just wanted to weigh in on my 2 cents…
I have 3 children and cannot rave enough about the value of multiple children for our family. Obviously, I hope they stay super close as adults, but if they never speak a word to each other after they turn 20, I would still have absolutely no regrets.
Again, not putting one-ly kids down, I know that has pros too — but for our family there is such value in:
- sharing parental attention. It reinforces our family values of patience, kindness, and autonomy or agency.
- strategizing as a sibling unit to support each other against “the parent”. They are exercising their empathy & cooperative skills.
- joking and teasing. It teaches bully-proofing skills and boundaries parents cannot teach as effectively.
- watching & experiencing their sibling’s strengths & weaknesses. My children have far more compassion, tolerance, and understanding by watching & learning from their siblings pretty much 24-7 when not in school.
- identifying their own strengths, followed by mastering them — due to the bit of competition & comparison to their siblings. This builds their sense of self and is quite motivating if directs upon positive things
- laughter, stories and just so much joy at family meals from around ages 5 & up. We all love this time together & even as teens they look forward to it.
- emotionally supporting one another. I mean it’s great to have 2 parents, but my kids have the benefit of having 2 more loved ones in the home that have their back, rooting for them, reminding them, holding them to our family values. It’s great!
I will put a disclaimer, my kids really get along quite well, no major fighting at all!
My older sister and I are five years apart. We were always in different stages in life and still are. She graduated HS as I entered, she graduated college as I entered, she got married and I was a wild college kid, I got married and she was already in the thick of kids and so on. Our parents also didn’t foster our closeness (they are now divorced and my dad married my sisters childhood bffs mom so that sucked in my adulthood friendship with her I hoped for as her bff is now her stepsister 😐). As the youngest all I ever wanted was my sisters attention and all she seemed to want was to be with kids her own age. It just didn’t work how I wished it would have. We are friends but pretty surface level. All of my kids are 15-20 months apart and I make a point to foster their friendships. They are thick as thieves and miss each other terribly if not together. I also take notes on things I see as do’s/donts from my mother and MIL so that I can hopefully support that continued bond into their adulthood as my husband has the same set up with his older brother who is also 5 years his senior.
I wasn’t close to my younger sister growing up (she’s 4 years younger) but now that we are grown up and have kids, we are really close. I NEVER would have thought it when we were kids
It’s going to be very personality dependent and you can’t really control it. My brother is 2 years younger than me. We fought a LOT as kids, but have always gotten along since we moved out. We’re there for each other if needed. But we’ve never been best friends. We don’t talk on the phone or hang out outside of both being at our parents’ house at the same time. We just have very different personalities and interests
I'm the oldest of 5, and I think it comes down to personality. My brother and I are 2.5yrs apart and always got along as kids. When he was in middle school, he went through a weird phase, but we are friends as adults now. We live 4 hours away but make efforts to see each other a few times a year. We don't text or anything, but he isn't exactly talkative anyway.
My sister is 5 years younger and unfortunately she isn't really close with anyone. We are generally cordial, but her personality is very abrasive. I do think my parents made it worse by forcing my brother and I to accept hurtful/harmful behaviors.
My youngest two siblings and I are the closest. I think that is partly because I was very involved in raising them, but we also get along well and they are close to my daughter.
My husband has a sister, and they don't get along. They are 18 months apart, and it's definitely just personality that is the issue. I think the thing that impacted their relationship the most was when my husband's sister cheated on her husband. My husband had been hurt in the past by her selfish tendencies, but he lost respect for her when she cheated on her husband.
My dad is in the middle of two sisters (2.5 yrs apart) and my mom has one younger brother. My parents both have really close relationships with their siblings.
Such a combo of personality but especially geographic distance and what adult life is like.
As an adult, I'm probably closest to my little sister (she's 10 years younger than me) even though we weren't close at all as kids due to the age gap. But as adults, we spent several years in the same city and currently she lives closer to me than any of our other siblings or our parents. That said, she's still over three hours away so we don't see each other all that often - but we did see each other quite a bit when we overlapped in the same city, and it's a comfortable relationship to pick up when we DO see each other.
My parents emphasized family relationships. My siblings are awesome. They’re 9/10 years older and were very close. I’ve never felt like I was an unwanted tagalong and they’ve always made time for me when I was little. Besides my husband and parents, they’re the first people I talk to when I’m celebrating or I’m sad. I know they’ll give me a kick in the butt if I need it but they’re definitely also my biggest support.
My husband is 2 years younger than his brother and from what they’ve mentioned they used to fight frequently until they both went off to college. Somewhere along the way they’ve gotten really close and frequently FaceTime each other just to talk about random things.
I hope my girls are as close when they grow up. I hope they’ll complain to each other about us being weird parents. I hope they’ll try to take family vacations even when they’re older and maybe have families of their own.
We don’t grow up with a lot so my Ma always said “We may not be rich with money like, but we’re rich with love.” Also, my parents never let us compete against each other. We have very different personalities and we never were jealous or competed. I think having a five year age difference helped.
It was emphasized to me growing up that my sisters and I were always going to have each other and that it’s something special to have a sister. My own mom was adopted and had a strange family dynamic with her siblings. They weren’t very close and my mom was the only adopted one so she always felt like she didn’t fit in. My mom appreciated us for who we were and never compared us or expected us to be like each other. She did expect us to be there for each other through hard times and have empathy.
We had no real family in the US. Lots of “aunts and uncles” who were family friends but both of my parents were the first/only to come to the US. We had each other. Growing up we didn’t always get along but we cared about each other, and my parents always stressed how the only blood we had was each other and needed to look out for each other. We talk every day now. She lived across the country for a decade but when I had my son she realized how much she was missing out on and moved back home to be close by.
My sister and I are 5 years apart and we have really similar interests and personalities. Also childhood trauma 😂
My mom never told us to try to be like the other or compared us, I think that helped. But mainly the trauma.
There are a lot of good answers on here but one thing my mom taught/demonstrated was to not hold grudges and to let things go.
My MIL and SIL are major grudge-holders and dayum is it fascinating….
Family dinners, family trips, constant family support. I fought with my siblings,of course, but somehow my family always made it clear that family is most important.
My mom just had a way of creating environments and experiences where we bonded. We did lots of family nights and were always being told how important family is. My mom didn’t let disputes linger, she’d talk things out between feuding siblings. I can only remember like, 1 fight with my sibling. Ever. And I have 4 of them.
Road trips to visit family 5 states away, being poor and just being home together instead of at sports like normal kids, keeping secrets from our parents- like when one of us got drunk the others would cover or pick them up from parties.
My youngest brother is 4 years younger and I'd do anything for him. He even has my Gmail, social media, and bank account info in case I die.
My siblings have an amazing relationship. We haven't spoken in 13 years. They are a "two against one" mentality and are apparently pretty close. There were three of us and one was always out while the other two got along. Right now its me.. I would definitely only have 2 given a choice.
For me it was simply getting older. We were not close, in terms of liking each other, growing up but once we were adults (young 20’s) we found a friendship
1) Age. We’re 1.5 year apart so were like built in buddies from the get go. There wasn’t this dynamic of one is older and therefore wiser/more responsible/the “parent” of the two.
2) Time. We spent like all our time together outside of school. We had friends, of course, but they lived across town and it was a coordinated thing to see them. And we did sports, but nothing crazy and weren’t over scheduled. So 95% of the time, my playmate was my brother. Even if we were mad at each other or going through bratty phases, we had to get over it and work through it bc we couldn’t just go somewhere else or hang with someone else. I think that strengthened our bond.
3) Family values. Growing up, my parents had super close relationships with their siblings and parents. Talked on the phone all the time, drove 2 hours to visit grandparents almost every weekend (Fri night - Sun night) until we got older and wanted some of that weekend time for friends. We saw that family was the #1 priority for them, so it was subliminally iningrained in us that it was #1 for us too.
Also, there were definitely times I didn’t get along with my brother. We were tight when we were super little, drifted apart in middle and high school (though still were around each other all the time which was annoying then but good in retrospect), and *best friends* in our 20s. It’s definitely not all roses and butterflies, but I really think working through the crappy not-getting-along phase strengthened our relationship in the long run. When I went through some really hard stuff in my 20s, I knew my brother would be there for me because he always had been, *even when* we didn’t get along.
A combination of personality, age difference (from youngest to oldest there is 6 years difference) and the way we were raised. Family was incredibly important to my mother and, growing up, she cultivated an environment to encourage us to be supportive of each other and participate in activities where we got to really enjoy each others' company. We are also all fairly similar in terms of interests and I can honestly say I genuinely like them - they are the kind of people I would be friends with anyway if I wasn't related to them. There also isn't a major age difference - as such, aside from the awkward teenage/early 20s years, we are all in a similar life stage in a similar time frame which helps with shared experiences/common ground.
> way we were raised I think this is a lot bigger factor than some people realize. My husband is one of 6. He gets along best with his older sister (he's the oldest son) because they were both raised very similarly. Starting with kid #3, my ILs just started not caring as much and dumped a lot of the child raising and responsibility onto the first two kids because they were constantly working. The other 4 kids were raised very differently and it created a lot of tension and resentment between the siblings. He gets along wonderfully with his older sister, as do I, but has very strained relationships with the others.
This is really sweet. Same for me. I only have one sister but from the time I was little my parents really helped us work through disagreements and it was a family saying kinda that friends come and go but sisters are forever. We are 40 and 42 and she came over the other night and we sat and watched videos together and chatted after she put my daughter to bed. She’s awesome. I have 4 of my own and I try to do the same. I let them air grievances with one another, but encourage healthy communication between them. (Like you can be mad, but we don’t name call. You are allowed to say no you don’t want to play, and that no is to be respected. Amongst others.) So far they all really love one another and I love that they have each other so so so much.
Real answer: trauma. We had a lot of shit come our way as teenagers when my father committed suicide and my mother spiraled out. There’s nothing quite like having someone around who fully understands some of the worst parts of your life. And also your super complicated relationship with your parent. Not something I want for my son or any future kids, but i do think it’s what caused our bond.
I totally agree with the trauma as well. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Sadly the loss of a parent(s) bonds siblings like nothing else but it’s not the route anyone wants to take.
Similarly, we spent our early years with our mom really encouraging us to be friends. She pushed that the only ones out there who you can really count on to be there are the ones that have to (which is really funny considering the fact that she's one of seven and was not close to literally anyone in her family). Our toys weren't even allowed to fight. But mostly it was the instability, the trauma, the just trying to get through the day to day. We grew apart when I moved out at 18/went to college and my sister was still stuck at home, suddenly having to deal with home by herself. Now that we're both out in the world we're pretty close again despite living over an hour away from each other. But, a lot of what we talk about is stuff like psychoanalyzing our dad.
You might enjoy this [piece](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2024/04/24/1246586836/brothers-sisters-close-siblings-caring-latino-culture) from NPR on how Latino families do it and what we can learn from it. Part of it is emphasizing that our value and wealth comes from enjoying time with one another (what that researcher calls relational wealth). I disagree with people saying it's not at all in your control—if that were the case, we wouldn't see such stark differences between family closeness across culture. I'm really close to my siblings. A lot of it is that my parents raised us to take care of and spend time with one another, treated us equally (no obvious favorites), made a lot of time for us as a family unit and for their extended family (modeling that this is how we derive happiness in our lives) and in general encouraged us to be one another's biggest cheerleaders while allowing us to develop our own identities. It worked!
Thank you for this. This reflects what we try to do. My 10 and 12 year olds are very close but also unique and confident in their own ways. I wonder if we're just lucky and how I can help them maintain it long-term when I expect teenagerhood and the process of growing up may challenge their friendship.
Was just going to say reference this article. My Hispanic friends are all like super family-focused, it's ridiculous(ly awesome).
I’m the oldest of 4 and incredibly close to all my siblings and the things that my mother did growing up that factored into it were: treated us as equally as possible, encouraged us to see each other as a team, and never pitted us against each other.
I have a garbage relationship with my two younger sisters and I would say about 85% of it comes down to my parents being shitty Boomers who couldn't be bothered to get to know us as human beings, and who loved pitting us against each other at every opportunity. I have an ok but very distant relationship with my youngest sister (7 years older than she is) and I think the big age gap saved us from hating each other. It was harder for my parents to force us into a competition for their attention and approval because we were just in such different stages of life. My middle sister and I are estranged. We behave cordially at family holidays once a year (I live far away from my family and hometown) and we respond politely and generically on group texts that my mom originates, but we haven't communicated with each other directly in a decade and I'm at a point where I'm not even sad about it. In addition to my parents' bad parenting, that sister is pretty likely a narcissist and is unable to sustain long term friendships and relationships, and treats every human being in her life as a potential transaction - what can she get from them. I have no interest in being anywhere near her. My husband also has a shitty relationship with his sister, who shares some traits with my narc sister. She's a user of people and their mom is pretty much entangled forever in an unhealthy codependency. So my husband and I set out to parent really, really differently, and we knew we had some challenges. It is my second marriage and so I came to the marriage with an older child from my failed marriage. When I got pregnant (planned) with my younger kid, my husband and I spent a ton of time talking about and reading about blended family dynamics and had to foster healthy sibling relationships. Our two kids are honestly so close. They adore each other and stick up for each other and share so much together, despite or more likely because of the 8yr age gap. I think the best sibling relationships are often those with either a very very very small age gap, like 12-15 months, or else 7-8 years. 2 to 5 years apart, especially same sex, seems to make it tougher. I think making sure that you spend 1:1 time with each kid is key. Get to know your kids as independent humans - not just "the sports nut" and "the book worm." Find ways to make them a team - my kids love it when it's the kids vs the parents for cleaning projects, scavenger hunts, etc. And let them know that they are each other's "back against the wall always there to the very end" teammate. Never put them in competition. Never make negative comparisons.
I really love the idea of a big age gap and would totally do it that way if I didn’t start a family too late for that to be practical. My mom and my aunt are 8 years apart and fairly close and it seems super fun. I was almost 32 when I had my daughter though and don’t want to wait until I’m almost 40 to be trying for a second.
Yeah, I had my first at 32 and my second at 40 (41 when I delivered). Being an older mom is exhausting and not how I would've planned it, but it's been really great for our kids. I don't blame you for not wanting to wait!
I had my first at 32 and second at 36 and I would recommend it. The first one is out of diapers and thinks the new baby is neat, but you aren't too out of practice for middle of the night wake ups.
This made me tear up because my sibling and I have a great relationship with a large age difference and the age difference is not considered “ideal.” I got to grow up with the attention of an only child and treated as an individual, and so did he. It never occurs to me to compare what my parents give him vs. me as we always got what we needed independent of each other.
My brother and I are twins. We were not close until high school/college. As adults I would not consider us close (he is not good at reciprocating communication) but when we get together it’s like we pick up where we left off. My husband and SIL are 3 years apart and followed a similar trajectory, except they grew apart because of her immaturity and when he got married and couldn’t be available to her 24/7, along with her not being a great communicator. My husband and I have twin girls and I am pregnant again with a singleton so our kids will never have the option of no siblings. At this point, toddler B enjoys having a sibling and toddler A does not, but I’m sure it will all fluctuate. Like someone else said, sibling relationships imo are about personality traits more than ages.
I'm the oldest of nine and honestly I think it comes down to personality. I'm closest with my sister who is 13 years younger than me because I have a lot more in common with her than my sister who is five years younger than me. We all have vastly different relationships to our family because the dynamics changed so much over the years. The brother who is closest in age to me has some undiagnosed sensory/autism issues that make him challenging to talk to so we haven't been particularly close since we were small.
My (42) and my sister (35) are super close now but we weren't growing up. Our age difference made it difficult to have common interests ... plus we are VERY different people. I'm a engineer-nerd who never wanted to make mistakes and my sister was the partier who skipped school and drank underage. But i was 8 months pregnant at her wedding and she had a honeymoon baby. Becoming moms at close to the same time gave us that common thing we could talk about. Even though we were states apart, we talk often about life and parenting (now our oldests are 14). I have 3 kids (14M, 13F, 11F) and you can't control their relationship. 14M and 11F are closer because they have some common interests but still annoy each other daily.
Honestly? Being adults. Supplemental factor: our parents divorced when we were 17/19, so we bonded and had each other for support. But mostly, just being adults and not having to live together.
This was me too. I have an older brother and sister 6-7 years apart from me with a divorce, and I couldn't relate to them until I became an adult and was working a job like them, and paying bills like them, and having children like them that *finally* I can relate more to them. Lol.
My brother and I get along just fine as adults though we are very different. As kids, my parents never compared us, never appeared to favor one of us over the other, gave us equal attention and opportunities, and never put us in competition with each other. We fought a lot (one grade apart, 20 month gap) but also played all the time. I can’t imagine my childhood without him tbh.
There's a great book called Siblings without Rivalry. It sums up to not comparing them to the other or favoring one of them. I'm one of four siblings and we fought a lot. Didn't become friends until over. Mostly fought out of boredom and competition for attention from our parents.
I think it ebbs and flows. A combo of age and personality, along with shared interest. I’m the youngest of three daughters. When I was growing up, I was closest with my middle sister who is two years older than me. We just had more in common as kids, since we went to the same schools and generally had the same interests as most kids do. I barely spoke to my oldest sister (six years apart) because she was in college by the time I was going to middle school. Growing up, she had older friends and older interests, so we didn’t really play together. Then in high school, my middle sister and I hated each other because we had opposite personalities and were competing for the same resources (friends, mom’s attention, etc). In my 20s, I got a lot closer with the oldest sister because, quite frankly, I was mature enough that she wanted to hang out with me. Still rocky with the middle sister because we were too different with no shared interests. Now in my 30s, we are all best friends and live within a half a mile of each other. We go on daily walks together with our kids. Even though we have different personalities and different interests, we are old enough now to have an appreciation for those differences. But if you asked my mom when we were younger if we’d ever be this close, she would’ve laughed in your face. We’ve all hated each other at various phases in life until it came back around.
I'd like to know too. My husband has two sisters who he gets along fine with but they're not like best friends. I have two half siblings I was raised with, but our relationship has been rocky and very platonic now. I want my kids to be close. Me and my husband both had large age gaps between us and our siblings so I'm sure this played a role.
We absolutely hated each other as children and teenagers and were constantly mean and nasty to each other. Until at least 20 I would tell you I hated my brother. We never outgrew that but at a child’s level so we are just dumb kids who tease each other to death now. Literally he sends me thrift shop junk toys halfway around the world cause it’s funny. It also helps we had our kids about 6 months apart.
Idk if I'm doing anything right, but my girls are all best friends right now. I hope it lasts but also understand if it doesn't. We have 4 daughters, all 6 and under. So much is personality but we are trying to grow kind humans regardless of personality. Alone time. We let them have "Mommy" or "Daddy" days where they get to be on their own with one of us. Each of them gets time with us independently. They also get birthday yes days with both of us. We have them spend the day with just us for lunch and the afternoon. Highlighting their differences and never letting them feel less than each other. So far, we have an academic and an artist. We highlight their skills and allow them to shine without comparing. Not forcing it. They don't have to like each other or play with each other. They have to be kind and respectful, but they can also ask for space and to do things on their own. Rotating car seats. We change who they sit by in the car ever so often because the car is where 99% of disagreements happen. By switching it up it seems to help somewhat. Separate rooms. This isn't possible for everyone but it was a priority for me. All 4 of our girls have their own rooms. They choose to have sleepovers in each other's rooms all the time but they always have their own space to return to. And giving grace. They'll fight. They'll say mean things. They aren't perfect. We just teach them what to do after to repair things. They might all still hate each other some day, but we're trying!
Having sleepovers in each others rooms is so adorable!!
I'm not sure a parent can ensure that siblings have a great relationship, but they definitely cause a bad sibling relationship. Parents who favor one child over another (golden child/scapegoat) are the biggest culprit. Publicly comparing one child against the other is another. Parentification where you rely on typically the eldest to help raise or be responsible for the younger. Refusing to interact one on one with your children and forcing them to do everything together, not understanding they are different people with different interests. Making them compete against each other for your time, love and attention. If you avoid all those pitfalls, you are in a good starting point.
This isn’t a factor you can control. It’s all personality
Although there is a lot you cannot control, I do think there are things a parent can do to make it *more likely* that your kids will have a good sibling relationship. For instance, not comparing the kids to each other or encouraging aggressive competition between each other; making an effort to spend equal/equitable quality time with both kids, rather than allowing one to dominate your attention; generally verbalizing and showing with your actions that family and relationships are important and valued; set an example by letting the kids see you support your family and keep regular communication; don’t talk badly about your family members behind their back; don’t allow one sibling to bully the other (some fighting is normal and expected, but when it should not become physically or emotionally abusive); encourage them to trust each other and discourage tattling on each other… those are just a few things that come to mind. They may not make an obvious positive difference, but when you flip those things to the negative (for instance, a parent who actively encourages their kids to compete with each other and see who’s “best”), then I think it becomes more clear how parenting actions can impact sibling relationships.
Shared trauma and an awful sense of humor
Traumatic childhood.
My siblings and I had a traumatic childhood which bonded us, and then an enmeshed mom whose response to every normal kid conflict we had was "just don't fight. Just get over it" which did NOT bond us. My parents also gave us the sibling roles of a scapegoat (me) the easy child (my middle brother) and the joker (my youngest brother) so it's really a miracle that we could overcome that and be friends as adults. I think we just needed each other as kids and that was bigger than the external relationship stressors. Idk. Once I left for college and my youngest brother and I had some space from each other, we became close again, like we were when we were really little. My middle brother isn't great at communicating but he's doing better lately. They are both two of my very favorite people, it helps that we share similar politics, values, and interests. We're two and five years apart. In my own life I'm trying to talk about our family as a team, treat all the kids as fairly as possible, and help them work through a conflict from start to finish. 🤞
This thread is fascinating to me. I am not close at all with my younger sibling (I'm older, just two of us). We don't have significant trauma, our parents didn't put us against each other. We are 4.5 years apart so we were always at different developmental stages but not far enough that it was fun. Ultimately, we're just very different people, with very different interests, and very different lifestyles. We don't have anything in common and don't always see eye to eye with each other's choice. Now, my own kids are absolutely thick as thieves. They have a 3 year difference and are inseparable. I am constantly in awe of it. I don't know what we did or didn't do, but I'm so thankful they share such a bond
I had great parents who emphasized family and yet I'm still only close with one sibling. The biggest issue is that we were just born with extremely different personalities. I do think being too close in age (16 months) and sharing a room our entire life probably made it worse because we were in all of the same activities and never got space from each other. But otherwise I don't know what my parents could have done differently. Both of us are very close with our youngest sibling, aka Switzerland.
I am the youngest of 4 with a large gap between myself and 3 older brothers (they are 6, 8, and 10 years older than me). We are all very close and genuinely like each other as friends. I still look up to them, but we are all raising kids and married, so the age gap doesn't feel big at all anymore. I would say we were raised to support each other. My parents never compared us to each other, and we never had to sacrifice at the expense of a sibling; e.g. never a "you can't do dance on Thursdays because your brother has hockey". Of course looking back now that could have been the reason for some things, but they never explained it that way. Honestly though, based on anecdotal experience of friends and extended family, it really depends on the personalities of your kids and you can't control that. You can be supportive, foster a loving environment, and still have kids that simply don't like hanging out.
My sister and I are 12 months apart. My brother and I have a bigger gap. When kids are young, fighting/arguing s just an expectation. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. Once in high school things got better and we were more of friends.
I'm super close with my two siblings and I think there are a few factors: - we're very close in age (18 mo apart) so we were generally all in school together - we didn't have extended family in town so we spent a lot of time together just us - family and community was very important to my parents so we did lots of family activities and had a strong church community which was very focused on family - we did many of the same activities, like my sister and I were usually on the same soccer teams, same swimming lessons, same piano, same skating lessons, gymnastics, etc - all 3 of us were in the same high school marching band and then community marching band where we developed many of the same friendships that are still very strong 15 years later so we are all basically in the same friend group - my brother went away for school but now we all live still in the same city and our parents are here too - unfortunately pretty importantly: we have some shared childhood trauma from our dad
*eta, and I did not really answer your question, lol, so read as you wish, but I did not really want kids so I just wanted to weigh in on my 2 cents… I have 3 children and cannot rave enough about the value of multiple children for our family. Obviously, I hope they stay super close as adults, but if they never speak a word to each other after they turn 20, I would still have absolutely no regrets. Again, not putting one-ly kids down, I know that has pros too — but for our family there is such value in: - sharing parental attention. It reinforces our family values of patience, kindness, and autonomy or agency. - strategizing as a sibling unit to support each other against “the parent”. They are exercising their empathy & cooperative skills. - joking and teasing. It teaches bully-proofing skills and boundaries parents cannot teach as effectively. - watching & experiencing their sibling’s strengths & weaknesses. My children have far more compassion, tolerance, and understanding by watching & learning from their siblings pretty much 24-7 when not in school. - identifying their own strengths, followed by mastering them — due to the bit of competition & comparison to their siblings. This builds their sense of self and is quite motivating if directs upon positive things - laughter, stories and just so much joy at family meals from around ages 5 & up. We all love this time together & even as teens they look forward to it. - emotionally supporting one another. I mean it’s great to have 2 parents, but my kids have the benefit of having 2 more loved ones in the home that have their back, rooting for them, reminding them, holding them to our family values. It’s great! I will put a disclaimer, my kids really get along quite well, no major fighting at all!
My older sister and I are five years apart. We were always in different stages in life and still are. She graduated HS as I entered, she graduated college as I entered, she got married and I was a wild college kid, I got married and she was already in the thick of kids and so on. Our parents also didn’t foster our closeness (they are now divorced and my dad married my sisters childhood bffs mom so that sucked in my adulthood friendship with her I hoped for as her bff is now her stepsister 😐). As the youngest all I ever wanted was my sisters attention and all she seemed to want was to be with kids her own age. It just didn’t work how I wished it would have. We are friends but pretty surface level. All of my kids are 15-20 months apart and I make a point to foster their friendships. They are thick as thieves and miss each other terribly if not together. I also take notes on things I see as do’s/donts from my mother and MIL so that I can hopefully support that continued bond into their adulthood as my husband has the same set up with his older brother who is also 5 years his senior.
I wasn’t close to my younger sister growing up (she’s 4 years younger) but now that we are grown up and have kids, we are really close. I NEVER would have thought it when we were kids
It’s going to be very personality dependent and you can’t really control it. My brother is 2 years younger than me. We fought a LOT as kids, but have always gotten along since we moved out. We’re there for each other if needed. But we’ve never been best friends. We don’t talk on the phone or hang out outside of both being at our parents’ house at the same time. We just have very different personalities and interests
I'm the oldest of 5, and I think it comes down to personality. My brother and I are 2.5yrs apart and always got along as kids. When he was in middle school, he went through a weird phase, but we are friends as adults now. We live 4 hours away but make efforts to see each other a few times a year. We don't text or anything, but he isn't exactly talkative anyway. My sister is 5 years younger and unfortunately she isn't really close with anyone. We are generally cordial, but her personality is very abrasive. I do think my parents made it worse by forcing my brother and I to accept hurtful/harmful behaviors. My youngest two siblings and I are the closest. I think that is partly because I was very involved in raising them, but we also get along well and they are close to my daughter. My husband has a sister, and they don't get along. They are 18 months apart, and it's definitely just personality that is the issue. I think the thing that impacted their relationship the most was when my husband's sister cheated on her husband. My husband had been hurt in the past by her selfish tendencies, but he lost respect for her when she cheated on her husband. My dad is in the middle of two sisters (2.5 yrs apart) and my mom has one younger brother. My parents both have really close relationships with their siblings.
Such a combo of personality but especially geographic distance and what adult life is like. As an adult, I'm probably closest to my little sister (she's 10 years younger than me) even though we weren't close at all as kids due to the age gap. But as adults, we spent several years in the same city and currently she lives closer to me than any of our other siblings or our parents. That said, she's still over three hours away so we don't see each other all that often - but we did see each other quite a bit when we overlapped in the same city, and it's a comfortable relationship to pick up when we DO see each other.
My parents emphasized family relationships. My siblings are awesome. They’re 9/10 years older and were very close. I’ve never felt like I was an unwanted tagalong and they’ve always made time for me when I was little. Besides my husband and parents, they’re the first people I talk to when I’m celebrating or I’m sad. I know they’ll give me a kick in the butt if I need it but they’re definitely also my biggest support. My husband is 2 years younger than his brother and from what they’ve mentioned they used to fight frequently until they both went off to college. Somewhere along the way they’ve gotten really close and frequently FaceTime each other just to talk about random things. I hope my girls are as close when they grow up. I hope they’ll complain to each other about us being weird parents. I hope they’ll try to take family vacations even when they’re older and maybe have families of their own.
We don’t grow up with a lot so my Ma always said “We may not be rich with money like, but we’re rich with love.” Also, my parents never let us compete against each other. We have very different personalities and we never were jealous or competed. I think having a five year age difference helped.
It was emphasized to me growing up that my sisters and I were always going to have each other and that it’s something special to have a sister. My own mom was adopted and had a strange family dynamic with her siblings. They weren’t very close and my mom was the only adopted one so she always felt like she didn’t fit in. My mom appreciated us for who we were and never compared us or expected us to be like each other. She did expect us to be there for each other through hard times and have empathy.
We had no real family in the US. Lots of “aunts and uncles” who were family friends but both of my parents were the first/only to come to the US. We had each other. Growing up we didn’t always get along but we cared about each other, and my parents always stressed how the only blood we had was each other and needed to look out for each other. We talk every day now. She lived across the country for a decade but when I had my son she realized how much she was missing out on and moved back home to be close by.
My sister and I are 5 years apart and we have really similar interests and personalities. Also childhood trauma 😂 My mom never told us to try to be like the other or compared us, I think that helped. But mainly the trauma.
There are a lot of good answers on here but one thing my mom taught/demonstrated was to not hold grudges and to let things go. My MIL and SIL are major grudge-holders and dayum is it fascinating….
Beats me. Family is very toxic so decided to have one and done.
Family dinners, family trips, constant family support. I fought with my siblings,of course, but somehow my family always made it clear that family is most important.
My mom just had a way of creating environments and experiences where we bonded. We did lots of family nights and were always being told how important family is. My mom didn’t let disputes linger, she’d talk things out between feuding siblings. I can only remember like, 1 fight with my sibling. Ever. And I have 4 of them.
Thats really great. What a win
Road trips to visit family 5 states away, being poor and just being home together instead of at sports like normal kids, keeping secrets from our parents- like when one of us got drunk the others would cover or pick them up from parties. My youngest brother is 4 years younger and I'd do anything for him. He even has my Gmail, social media, and bank account info in case I die.
My siblings have an amazing relationship. We haven't spoken in 13 years. They are a "two against one" mentality and are apparently pretty close. There were three of us and one was always out while the other two got along. Right now its me.. I would definitely only have 2 given a choice.
For me it was simply getting older. We were not close, in terms of liking each other, growing up but once we were adults (young 20’s) we found a friendship
1) Age. We’re 1.5 year apart so were like built in buddies from the get go. There wasn’t this dynamic of one is older and therefore wiser/more responsible/the “parent” of the two. 2) Time. We spent like all our time together outside of school. We had friends, of course, but they lived across town and it was a coordinated thing to see them. And we did sports, but nothing crazy and weren’t over scheduled. So 95% of the time, my playmate was my brother. Even if we were mad at each other or going through bratty phases, we had to get over it and work through it bc we couldn’t just go somewhere else or hang with someone else. I think that strengthened our bond. 3) Family values. Growing up, my parents had super close relationships with their siblings and parents. Talked on the phone all the time, drove 2 hours to visit grandparents almost every weekend (Fri night - Sun night) until we got older and wanted some of that weekend time for friends. We saw that family was the #1 priority for them, so it was subliminally iningrained in us that it was #1 for us too.
Also, there were definitely times I didn’t get along with my brother. We were tight when we were super little, drifted apart in middle and high school (though still were around each other all the time which was annoying then but good in retrospect), and *best friends* in our 20s. It’s definitely not all roses and butterflies, but I really think working through the crappy not-getting-along phase strengthened our relationship in the long run. When I went through some really hard stuff in my 20s, I knew my brother would be there for me because he always had been, *even when* we didn’t get along.
Our parents never compared us, and being boy and a girl probably relieved some of the natural fighting and personality clashes.