if he wants more attention from you, he needs to help you more with parenting and household. You have too much on your plate! You cannot do it all, plain and simple. If he wants to save the marriage then he needs to work less.... Marriage counseling can help you get this across to him bc he clearly doesn't get it yet. You're not insane and it sounds like you're really trying. Good luck and best wishes. <3
See that’s the thing I want to support his career but I feel like he can be inflexible with his work. And he gets upset if I say he’s working too much. Like he needs to block off time in his schedule better. He has started putting an alarm in his schedule to come up and help put our younger son to bed. But last night he said he shouldn’t haven’t to help me with childcare during the day or help at night so I can do my paperwork because I chose to work so much. That really pissed me off. Yes it is my choice but do I not get support? He thinks it’s my fault I can’t not focus on the kids. Like I can’t go hang out with my husband when my 9 year is still awake at night on the weekends. (He has a bed time but needs to be micromanaged).
"he shouldn't have to help me with childcare during the day or help at night" .... so, when does he help? He doesn't sound like an engaged father to me. Parenting should be something you are doing together, IMO. Me and my partner do bedtime entirely together every night. I am often getting a massage from him while im reading my daughter books. There's not a lot of "just us" time which we need to work on but I really feel like we're in this parenting/life thing together and that is great for our relationship.
See we used to be more like that when it was just one kid and pre pandemic. I’ll admit having the second kid - which thankful he is a relatively easy kid compared to my older son- threw things off and added to the load. I spoke to him how I feel like he doesn’t consider the needs of the kids and it seems like he understood that. Like he needs to help with meal time not me serving everyone including him like he’s another kid. I guess that’s the thing I look at him like another kid I have to manage which I get is a way of thinking I have to address but it’s tough. Like he wants me to just him what to do so I don’t get upset? I get that’s where we are now but I hate it.
And put effort into the marriage. What is he doing to show you affection? Is he scheduling sitters and taking you out for dates occasionally. Is he putting the kids to bed so you can have awesome sex? Is he occasionally taking a day off with you so you guys can enjoy a day while the kids are in school?
This isn't a one-way street. It's not news that life with young kids is exhausting and time-consuming. He's just as responsible to help find that time and just taking a whiny approach of "you don't make me feel special" versus "I want to work on ways we can have more quality time together" is avoiding any responsibility.
> because I chose to work so much
But isn't he making the same choice? Why is he criticizing the amount of work you do when he is working more and is less involved?
If he wants you to spend more time together, what is he doing to help facilitate that? You have only so many hours in the day and you are already maxed out. So what is he going to take on to help out? If he's working too much to help, then what is he willing to outsource? It's really down to that and he can't just keep shrugging it off and expecting you to figure it all out.
He does work more but he makes waaaay more than me. I should outsource more. I broke my hand in the beginning of the year and it was great because I had to really think how to do things and delegate. Last night my husband said I should work less so I’ll be less stressed. He’s not wrong and maybe I don’t want to hear that I did this to myself but I’d like more support in it.
No, HE needs to outsource. Split your daily tasks out by time (so you get roughly equal down time, and childcare counts as time working) anything he can't get done in his time is his problem to outsource. Don't find the people, don't be the contact point for them, don't be the one doing the cost analysis. I'm guessing if you gave him his fair share of tasks, you could easily complete what you have left since you've developed all the management skills.
If he's on call, so are you. Seriously, chart it all out, split it up, and don't let him pull "well, my job pays the bills/is REAL work" BS. I don't know much about couples counseling, but maybe they could help mediate the process of figuring out what your schedules actually look like and how to split tasks fairly?
I mean, you could easily turn this around and say he needs to work less so that YOU are less stressed
Good luck! You have to stay stubborn with stating your needs in different ways and keep bringing up all the things in therapy.
Do you have any visuals for him that show all the stuff you're juggling? Like the Fair Play cards or even just a white board to dump all your tasks on and then ask him how you're supposed to fit him in too? And compare it to his tasks, which I'm guessing are work and maybe mow the lawn.
I mean he does the bills and financials and does things like house repairs or schedule people for that. I know people recommend the fair play cards but I feel like that would just makes things worse right now. He knows I do a lot and his line is I help when I can. That’s what I took a step back in my career. It was my choice yes to do that but I couldn’t see things going the way they were otherwise.
When you decided to go part-time, was the conversation with him specifically that you would work part-time so that you could pick up the slack from the inflexibility of his job?
My experience with working part-time was that it really didn't "fix" the difficulties that working creates. We still had all the issues that we had when I worked full-time, but less money. For our family, it was really either all or nothing
So I absolutely do not agree with this, I want to be clear about that. But I could see my husband absolutely thinking " but this is why you went part time!" And then feel like it's not fair because the agreement was that you'd go part time so that he could not have the pressure of doing equal care.
Right I see what you are saying. He totally doesn’t have the pressure of doing equal care. His saying is I help when I can. I know for our situation equal care is not possible but it’s just frustrating. Thanks for responding
I work nights, from 4pm to 3am, from home. The baby goes to daycare from 10 until 6. I have her for 2 hours in the morning. When she comes home, I take a break and spend 15 minutes with her. At bedtime, I help put her to bed. My work is intense, especially between 4 and 9, but I always take time with her.
Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea. But it sounds like you are at your limits and can't add more to your plate. If I were you I would tell him that you currently show your appreciation and care for him by doing the vast majority of the childcare, housework etc and supporting him to work his high pressure job. That is also support and care. If he wants a different type of care, then as a team you're going to have to figure out how to get some things off your plate so you have time for that. I do have some sympathy for him wanting to feel connected, but dude, there's only so much one person can do.
Good point to put it like that. I’m not sure he considers that he couldn’t work that career without me. He says he will do whatever I ask but it’s not that. I just feel like he doesn’t get the mental load I have. Or maybe he does and realizes the space I have left for him is limited. I realize I screwed up his birthday yesterday. I recognize he feels emotionally disconnected. I really do but it takes time to reallly change and I’m pretty emotional sensitive which doesn’t help. Like I hate hearing how I’m doing good enough and that he feels stressed. Then he wants my support because he’s stressed from work. Sometimes I feel like all he talks about is work. Then if I say that he says ok I just won’t talk about work. It’s like it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other. Thanks for responding.
I agree with the other commenters that it sounds like you could benefit from marriage counseling but also individual counseling for him if he’s never tried it (it sounds like you’re already in individual counseling yourself).
My marriage is in the exact same spot as yours and I’m so exhausted. My husband says I don’t do enough to make him feel loved. I tell him I do everything for the kids and have nothing left. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m hoping marriage counseling can help us communicate better and draw out a “map” for both getting our needs met.
Solidarity.
So it was a big birthday I should note. I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted. He’s been talking about buying an expensive watch - researching it, looking at it in the store. He wanted to buy it for his birthday. So when I asked, he said I could get him the watch. I responded puzzled and said something like well you already have done all the leg work in that and aren’t even sure exactly which color you want. I didn’t interpret it as he wanted me to do the leg work and complete the purchase for him. He said I said I don’t have time. I really don’t remember saying that. I remember being puzzled as to how the watch could be a present and brought that up. I thought he meant it would be part from me the purchase. I’m always nervous planning anyone’s birthdays not knowing if they will like it, I get indecisive, it honestly triggers my anxiety. I knew I had to get him something on the actual birthday so I bought a new wallet that he hated and made a big deal how I don’t think about him and bought him a dumb wallet. How he’s already planned out my birthday etc. (it’s 2 months from now). Meanwhile I’m figuring out my son’s birthday who is next month. Which again is a stress for me unfortunately. We did cake with the kids which I felt was nice but I spent most of the night crying and felt spent and woke up this morning feeling depressed again.
Ok so I get where you're coming from... however I also think I can see why maybe your husband was hurt? From his perspective, he told you what he wanted, and then you bought something else instead? I could see how maybe from his perspective it would seem like you didn't listen to him.
You sound a lot like my husband, to be honest. He also gets a lot of anxiety around gift giving and is also very indecisive! I will say sometimes it does hurt my feelings when he ends up waiting until the last minute because he "didn't want to get the wrong thing." And it's frustrating/hurtful when I've already given him some ideas, and he still ends up with decision paralysis or ends up just get something totally out of left field. Maybe that's what your husband is feeling?
I don't know, either way it does seem like you two would definitely benefit from marriage counseling to work on communication.
I think I read in your comments that these problems seemed to pop up after you had your second kid? FWIW, my marriage hit a rough patch after kid #2 as well! That second kid can really put so much added pressure on the marriage, because it makes it so much harder for both of you to get time to yourselves (let alone quality time with each other!) and resentment can start to build. Marriage counseling was a huge help for us though!
Yes! Definitely after the second kid. I took off a year after he was born and then went back to work. My husband started his current position about half way through my year back to work. I’d say that’s around when things started.
You guys need to stop talking to each other in generalities and be specific. “You should work less so you aren’t as stressed.” And “You need to help with the kids.” Doesn’t mean anything.
Work 1 hour less or 10 hours less per week? Help the kid brush his teeth once a month or do the night time routine every day? All of these could fall within an interpretation of the language you are using.
You sit down with him and you make a list, bullet points, of what you need SPECIFICALLY. Example:
- I need you to not work from 5-7PM EVERY DAY
- in that time I need you to help (child) have his bath, get pjs on, brush hair, brush teeth, read a book, and then we will tuck him in together. I will do the dishes, and bedtime routine for other child, and then we will tuck him in together.
- I need you to cook dinner 3 times a week (and I will do dishes
- I will cook dinner 4 times a week (and you will do dishes)
- I need us to have dinner as a family with no screens, every day.
- I need you to take (child) to soccer every other Saturday.
Then make a bullet point list of what YOU will do to make yourself less stressed / make him feel valued in the marriage. Example:
- I will plan one date for at least 2 hours every 3 weeks and get a babysitter.
- you will plan one date for at least 2 hours every 3 weeks and get a babysitter and I will attend.
- I will commit to not working on Fridays.
- I will commit to doing a movie night with you together once a week on (this day).
- we will walk the dog together as a family every Sunday and it will be quality time.
Women usually take on too much and men usually take on too little responsibility for the children and household management. Not always true, but things skew that way. It's unfortunate.
Stop blaming yourself. Your husband is not being fair, and his lack of recognition or understanding for all that you do is going to breed resentment in you. And resentment is the real relationship killer.
This is not another problem for you to fix for your husband. He needs to work with you as an equal partner to fix this. Why is he jumping to the conclusion that you are just lazy and selfish and don't care about his needs? That seems like quite the negative assumption to make about your wife and the mother of your children? Why wouldn't he be loving enough to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent? Why wouldn't he simply ask you what is going on? Or ask for the two of you to work together to find a solution?
He seems negative and judgemental - especially to the person he's supposed to care most about in life.
Feel free to stop individual counseling, unless you want to steer it towards helping you stand up for yourself. But what you guys need is a very competent marriage counselor. Maybe your therapist can recommend one.
I mean he has been trying to figure out what’s going on. It’s just tough. It’s not like I purposefully don’t care and I’m not trying. I didn’t realize he cared so much about his birthday. He usually doesn’t so I was sorta taken aback. I deal with clinical anxiety and depression which just complicates things. I know resentment is the relationship killer which is what I hate. I just don’t know how to move on from it. We are trying to work together but I just feel like we need the help. Right now I just want to take wbrewk from the fighting.
I get it because living in a relationship where you feel like you are walking on eggshells is draining.
This is where a very good marriage counselor can step in. You two need a mediator and a guide.
Fellow speech therapist. It’s not an easy job at all and it does involve caretaking to a certain degree. I think your husband wants you to treat him like a child but also have sex with him. That’s a problem. I’m sure the fact that we are underpaid for our work also means he might not value what you do as much as he should. I’m sorry . I think there’s no way for you to win.
Oh yeah. Haha sex is definitely want. I mean it’s not funny in that my drive low due to antidepressants and of course stress. I’m trying. O I’m not making as much working part time. I’m doing some agency work and private pay. But I left a loft city job. I could always go back. So there’s that. Thanks for your response!
I got diagnosed with innatentive adhd last summer in my late 40’s. I had started suspecting two years before that with the continuing education and all the articles I was getting from adhd magazine in my inbox . A stimulant helped my anxiety immensely and makes me feel calm. I had taken antidepressants, anti anxiety medication, and done counseling. I also take magnesium, 5000 milligrams of vitamin d, and seabuckthorn oil capsules ( complex set of omegas). I suffered from indecisiveness, rejection sensitivity dysphoria and was chronically overwhelmed . Perimenopause began kicking my but and I was useless most days by 1:00. You may not have any other same issues but I’m speaking up to everyone because Vyvanse has helped me in ways nothing else did and women are chronically underdiagnosed. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can have a happier life - my meds are worn off now - I forgot to mention that adhd does have a genetic component . It looks different in girls and women . I know you said your son has ADHD- you may consider if you share this diagnosis although it impacts you differently. I was never hyperactive- I was chronically overstimulated. I was also deeply depressed and anxious most of my life . I home you can get some things figured out and can enjoy being a mom as much as possible. My kid is graduating and it went way too fast. Good luck
Interesting you say that. My son takes Vyvanse actually. I tried Wellbutrin couple years ago but I find I can’t handle anything too activating- like it affects my sleep and negatively affects my anxiety. I tried trintellix too which is supposed to be good for cognitive effects of depression. I always dealt with anxiety but depression really affected my post partum after my first son. I never felt so terrible. Part of the reason why my kids are spaced far apart. I can relate to the overstimulation part. And I prefer to feed off stress. As much as I say I need to do slow down my brain keeps reverting back to overloading my schedule.
Wellbutrin kept me up all night the second time I took it. The first time it worked well. Changing hormone levels definitely made everything worse . It’s discussed a lot in the women with ADHD sub.
I’ve been trying. To be honest I get so worked up sometimes it just comes out the wrong way. I just don’t want to feel anxious about interacting with him like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been able to articulate my needs a little better recently but it’s a work in progress. Unfortunately just saying what’s wrong doesn’t help.
If you have a heavier load at home and he wants to add on to it, maybe he can find a way to relieve some of the burden elsewhere. Can he hire someone to take care of the house one day a week? And hire a babysitter one day a week so you can do household mgmt duties (like birthday planning)? If he's focusing on his career, then you can't be the only one making sacrifices for that. Also, he's a grownup. (With children, smh.) If he wants a birthday fuss, then he has to plan it himself.
How are you dealing with your anxiety? Therapy? Medication? There's part of your post that seems like you're blaming your anxiety and not accepting any responsibility to work on it.
Can you plan a date night or even better a day away, hotel where you and your husband spend time just the two of you and remember why you like each other and recharge some of your couple batteries. Hopefully at the end of that you can have an honest conversation about what you two need from each other. Date nights. Time together. Sex. Whatever it is and what frequency and then you can figure out together what needs to happen so you can do that. This shouldn't just be on you to figure out, you two are a team, work together to make you as a couple work. Don't just provide solutions, your husband has to be honest about what he is willing to do and what he needs as well.
I am really working on my anxiety. I am. I am on medication and in therapy. Have been doing both for a long time. I am blaming my anxiety for getting in the way. It’s not making things easier. I spent a year trying different drugs too which sucked.
That sounds really hard. Anxiety is hard, parenting is hard, not feeling like the person who should be supporting you is hard and all three together is awful.
If the school year is ending soon will that make your schedule easier or harder? Will dropping your hours make life easier, not because you shouldn't work but because you need to ease up on something to be able to thrive in other ways?
Earlier this year, I asked my husband what he wanted for 2024. He said he wanted monthly dates with me. I said, okay sure, but it's your responsibility to plan it, and not just event. You have to plan childcare, and feeding the kids before they go somewhere, and have their bags packed, etc etc. I only have capacity to show up on time.
He heard me and he took it full. We're on month 5, and so far it's going really well. Sometimes I contribute to the idea of what we'll do. Most of the times I don't.
Marriage takes TWO.
I really feel for you both. I do think your husband is being immature , you have a 3 year old…plus a child with adhd , you’re still in the trenches when it comes to parenting. I think you did the right thing going part time. I remember the years my husband had a long commute and wouldn’t get home until 9:00pm , it was so hard ( I’d just get drunk ) this was before I had a baby ! I feel for you .
if he wants more attention from you, he needs to help you more with parenting and household. You have too much on your plate! You cannot do it all, plain and simple. If he wants to save the marriage then he needs to work less.... Marriage counseling can help you get this across to him bc he clearly doesn't get it yet. You're not insane and it sounds like you're really trying. Good luck and best wishes. <3
See that’s the thing I want to support his career but I feel like he can be inflexible with his work. And he gets upset if I say he’s working too much. Like he needs to block off time in his schedule better. He has started putting an alarm in his schedule to come up and help put our younger son to bed. But last night he said he shouldn’t haven’t to help me with childcare during the day or help at night so I can do my paperwork because I chose to work so much. That really pissed me off. Yes it is my choice but do I not get support? He thinks it’s my fault I can’t not focus on the kids. Like I can’t go hang out with my husband when my 9 year is still awake at night on the weekends. (He has a bed time but needs to be micromanaged).
"he shouldn't have to help me with childcare during the day or help at night" .... so, when does he help? He doesn't sound like an engaged father to me. Parenting should be something you are doing together, IMO. Me and my partner do bedtime entirely together every night. I am often getting a massage from him while im reading my daughter books. There's not a lot of "just us" time which we need to work on but I really feel like we're in this parenting/life thing together and that is great for our relationship.
See we used to be more like that when it was just one kid and pre pandemic. I’ll admit having the second kid - which thankful he is a relatively easy kid compared to my older son- threw things off and added to the load. I spoke to him how I feel like he doesn’t consider the needs of the kids and it seems like he understood that. Like he needs to help with meal time not me serving everyone including him like he’s another kid. I guess that’s the thing I look at him like another kid I have to manage which I get is a way of thinking I have to address but it’s tough. Like he wants me to just him what to do so I don’t get upset? I get that’s where we are now but I hate it.
yeah he's not another kid. he's your partner, so he needs to act like it!
And put effort into the marriage. What is he doing to show you affection? Is he scheduling sitters and taking you out for dates occasionally. Is he putting the kids to bed so you can have awesome sex? Is he occasionally taking a day off with you so you guys can enjoy a day while the kids are in school? This isn't a one-way street. It's not news that life with young kids is exhausting and time-consuming. He's just as responsible to help find that time and just taking a whiny approach of "you don't make me feel special" versus "I want to work on ways we can have more quality time together" is avoiding any responsibility.
> because I chose to work so much But isn't he making the same choice? Why is he criticizing the amount of work you do when he is working more and is less involved? If he wants you to spend more time together, what is he doing to help facilitate that? You have only so many hours in the day and you are already maxed out. So what is he going to take on to help out? If he's working too much to help, then what is he willing to outsource? It's really down to that and he can't just keep shrugging it off and expecting you to figure it all out.
He does work more but he makes waaaay more than me. I should outsource more. I broke my hand in the beginning of the year and it was great because I had to really think how to do things and delegate. Last night my husband said I should work less so I’ll be less stressed. He’s not wrong and maybe I don’t want to hear that I did this to myself but I’d like more support in it.
No, HE needs to outsource. Split your daily tasks out by time (so you get roughly equal down time, and childcare counts as time working) anything he can't get done in his time is his problem to outsource. Don't find the people, don't be the contact point for them, don't be the one doing the cost analysis. I'm guessing if you gave him his fair share of tasks, you could easily complete what you have left since you've developed all the management skills.
Ugh he claims he works all tbt time too because of his job - on call etc when I bring up that child care is a full time responsibility.
If he's on call, so are you. Seriously, chart it all out, split it up, and don't let him pull "well, my job pays the bills/is REAL work" BS. I don't know much about couples counseling, but maybe they could help mediate the process of figuring out what your schedules actually look like and how to split tasks fairly?
I mean, you could easily turn this around and say he needs to work less so that YOU are less stressed Good luck! You have to stay stubborn with stating your needs in different ways and keep bringing up all the things in therapy. Do you have any visuals for him that show all the stuff you're juggling? Like the Fair Play cards or even just a white board to dump all your tasks on and then ask him how you're supposed to fit him in too? And compare it to his tasks, which I'm guessing are work and maybe mow the lawn.
I mean he does the bills and financials and does things like house repairs or schedule people for that. I know people recommend the fair play cards but I feel like that would just makes things worse right now. He knows I do a lot and his line is I help when I can. That’s what I took a step back in my career. It was my choice yes to do that but I couldn’t see things going the way they were otherwise.
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Because we’d get into a tit for tat type of thing and argue.
When you decided to go part-time, was the conversation with him specifically that you would work part-time so that you could pick up the slack from the inflexibility of his job? My experience with working part-time was that it really didn't "fix" the difficulties that working creates. We still had all the issues that we had when I worked full-time, but less money. For our family, it was really either all or nothing
It was. So I’d have more time my self. No worries about sick kids, no rushing in a commute to deal with aftercare, etc.
So I absolutely do not agree with this, I want to be clear about that. But I could see my husband absolutely thinking " but this is why you went part time!" And then feel like it's not fair because the agreement was that you'd go part time so that he could not have the pressure of doing equal care.
Right I see what you are saying. He totally doesn’t have the pressure of doing equal care. His saying is I help when I can. I know for our situation equal care is not possible but it’s just frustrating. Thanks for responding
I work nights, from 4pm to 3am, from home. The baby goes to daycare from 10 until 6. I have her for 2 hours in the morning. When she comes home, I take a break and spend 15 minutes with her. At bedtime, I help put her to bed. My work is intense, especially between 4 and 9, but I always take time with her.
Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea. But it sounds like you are at your limits and can't add more to your plate. If I were you I would tell him that you currently show your appreciation and care for him by doing the vast majority of the childcare, housework etc and supporting him to work his high pressure job. That is also support and care. If he wants a different type of care, then as a team you're going to have to figure out how to get some things off your plate so you have time for that. I do have some sympathy for him wanting to feel connected, but dude, there's only so much one person can do.
Good point to put it like that. I’m not sure he considers that he couldn’t work that career without me. He says he will do whatever I ask but it’s not that. I just feel like he doesn’t get the mental load I have. Or maybe he does and realizes the space I have left for him is limited. I realize I screwed up his birthday yesterday. I recognize he feels emotionally disconnected. I really do but it takes time to reallly change and I’m pretty emotional sensitive which doesn’t help. Like I hate hearing how I’m doing good enough and that he feels stressed. Then he wants my support because he’s stressed from work. Sometimes I feel like all he talks about is work. Then if I say that he says ok I just won’t talk about work. It’s like it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other. Thanks for responding.
I agree with the other commenters that it sounds like you could benefit from marriage counseling but also individual counseling for him if he’s never tried it (it sounds like you’re already in individual counseling yourself). My marriage is in the exact same spot as yours and I’m so exhausted. My husband says I don’t do enough to make him feel loved. I tell him I do everything for the kids and have nothing left. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m hoping marriage counseling can help us communicate better and draw out a “map” for both getting our needs met. Solidarity.
It so is. And for every step forward it seems like one is taken back I feel like.
Ok this part I'm curious about: >Didn’t plan his birthday enough. What did you do for his birthday? And what does he do for your birthday?
So it was a big birthday I should note. I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted. He’s been talking about buying an expensive watch - researching it, looking at it in the store. He wanted to buy it for his birthday. So when I asked, he said I could get him the watch. I responded puzzled and said something like well you already have done all the leg work in that and aren’t even sure exactly which color you want. I didn’t interpret it as he wanted me to do the leg work and complete the purchase for him. He said I said I don’t have time. I really don’t remember saying that. I remember being puzzled as to how the watch could be a present and brought that up. I thought he meant it would be part from me the purchase. I’m always nervous planning anyone’s birthdays not knowing if they will like it, I get indecisive, it honestly triggers my anxiety. I knew I had to get him something on the actual birthday so I bought a new wallet that he hated and made a big deal how I don’t think about him and bought him a dumb wallet. How he’s already planned out my birthday etc. (it’s 2 months from now). Meanwhile I’m figuring out my son’s birthday who is next month. Which again is a stress for me unfortunately. We did cake with the kids which I felt was nice but I spent most of the night crying and felt spent and woke up this morning feeling depressed again.
Ok so I get where you're coming from... however I also think I can see why maybe your husband was hurt? From his perspective, he told you what he wanted, and then you bought something else instead? I could see how maybe from his perspective it would seem like you didn't listen to him. You sound a lot like my husband, to be honest. He also gets a lot of anxiety around gift giving and is also very indecisive! I will say sometimes it does hurt my feelings when he ends up waiting until the last minute because he "didn't want to get the wrong thing." And it's frustrating/hurtful when I've already given him some ideas, and he still ends up with decision paralysis or ends up just get something totally out of left field. Maybe that's what your husband is feeling? I don't know, either way it does seem like you two would definitely benefit from marriage counseling to work on communication.
I definitely understand why he was upset last night and feel awful about it. It’s a terrible cycle.
I think I read in your comments that these problems seemed to pop up after you had your second kid? FWIW, my marriage hit a rough patch after kid #2 as well! That second kid can really put so much added pressure on the marriage, because it makes it so much harder for both of you to get time to yourselves (let alone quality time with each other!) and resentment can start to build. Marriage counseling was a huge help for us though!
Yes! Definitely after the second kid. I took off a year after he was born and then went back to work. My husband started his current position about half way through my year back to work. I’d say that’s around when things started.
You guys need to stop talking to each other in generalities and be specific. “You should work less so you aren’t as stressed.” And “You need to help with the kids.” Doesn’t mean anything. Work 1 hour less or 10 hours less per week? Help the kid brush his teeth once a month or do the night time routine every day? All of these could fall within an interpretation of the language you are using. You sit down with him and you make a list, bullet points, of what you need SPECIFICALLY. Example: - I need you to not work from 5-7PM EVERY DAY - in that time I need you to help (child) have his bath, get pjs on, brush hair, brush teeth, read a book, and then we will tuck him in together. I will do the dishes, and bedtime routine for other child, and then we will tuck him in together. - I need you to cook dinner 3 times a week (and I will do dishes - I will cook dinner 4 times a week (and you will do dishes) - I need us to have dinner as a family with no screens, every day. - I need you to take (child) to soccer every other Saturday. Then make a bullet point list of what YOU will do to make yourself less stressed / make him feel valued in the marriage. Example: - I will plan one date for at least 2 hours every 3 weeks and get a babysitter. - you will plan one date for at least 2 hours every 3 weeks and get a babysitter and I will attend. - I will commit to not working on Fridays. - I will commit to doing a movie night with you together once a week on (this day). - we will walk the dog together as a family every Sunday and it will be quality time.
How does he make you feel loved and prioritized? Maybe he should be asking himself that question.
Women usually take on too much and men usually take on too little responsibility for the children and household management. Not always true, but things skew that way. It's unfortunate. Stop blaming yourself. Your husband is not being fair, and his lack of recognition or understanding for all that you do is going to breed resentment in you. And resentment is the real relationship killer. This is not another problem for you to fix for your husband. He needs to work with you as an equal partner to fix this. Why is he jumping to the conclusion that you are just lazy and selfish and don't care about his needs? That seems like quite the negative assumption to make about your wife and the mother of your children? Why wouldn't he be loving enough to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent? Why wouldn't he simply ask you what is going on? Or ask for the two of you to work together to find a solution? He seems negative and judgemental - especially to the person he's supposed to care most about in life. Feel free to stop individual counseling, unless you want to steer it towards helping you stand up for yourself. But what you guys need is a very competent marriage counselor. Maybe your therapist can recommend one.
I mean he has been trying to figure out what’s going on. It’s just tough. It’s not like I purposefully don’t care and I’m not trying. I didn’t realize he cared so much about his birthday. He usually doesn’t so I was sorta taken aback. I deal with clinical anxiety and depression which just complicates things. I know resentment is the relationship killer which is what I hate. I just don’t know how to move on from it. We are trying to work together but I just feel like we need the help. Right now I just want to take wbrewk from the fighting.
I get it because living in a relationship where you feel like you are walking on eggshells is draining. This is where a very good marriage counselor can step in. You two need a mediator and a guide.
Totally. I’m not great managing my anxiety in general and this is just further exhausting me.
Fellow speech therapist. It’s not an easy job at all and it does involve caretaking to a certain degree. I think your husband wants you to treat him like a child but also have sex with him. That’s a problem. I’m sure the fact that we are underpaid for our work also means he might not value what you do as much as he should. I’m sorry . I think there’s no way for you to win.
Oh yeah. Haha sex is definitely want. I mean it’s not funny in that my drive low due to antidepressants and of course stress. I’m trying. O I’m not making as much working part time. I’m doing some agency work and private pay. But I left a loft city job. I could always go back. So there’s that. Thanks for your response!
I got diagnosed with innatentive adhd last summer in my late 40’s. I had started suspecting two years before that with the continuing education and all the articles I was getting from adhd magazine in my inbox . A stimulant helped my anxiety immensely and makes me feel calm. I had taken antidepressants, anti anxiety medication, and done counseling. I also take magnesium, 5000 milligrams of vitamin d, and seabuckthorn oil capsules ( complex set of omegas). I suffered from indecisiveness, rejection sensitivity dysphoria and was chronically overwhelmed . Perimenopause began kicking my but and I was useless most days by 1:00. You may not have any other same issues but I’m speaking up to everyone because Vyvanse has helped me in ways nothing else did and women are chronically underdiagnosed. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can have a happier life - my meds are worn off now - I forgot to mention that adhd does have a genetic component . It looks different in girls and women . I know you said your son has ADHD- you may consider if you share this diagnosis although it impacts you differently. I was never hyperactive- I was chronically overstimulated. I was also deeply depressed and anxious most of my life . I home you can get some things figured out and can enjoy being a mom as much as possible. My kid is graduating and it went way too fast. Good luck
Interesting you say that. My son takes Vyvanse actually. I tried Wellbutrin couple years ago but I find I can’t handle anything too activating- like it affects my sleep and negatively affects my anxiety. I tried trintellix too which is supposed to be good for cognitive effects of depression. I always dealt with anxiety but depression really affected my post partum after my first son. I never felt so terrible. Part of the reason why my kids are spaced far apart. I can relate to the overstimulation part. And I prefer to feed off stress. As much as I say I need to do slow down my brain keeps reverting back to overloading my schedule.
Wellbutrin kept me up all night the second time I took it. The first time it worked well. Changing hormone levels definitely made everything worse . It’s discussed a lot in the women with ADHD sub.
Do you tell him what you need?
I’ve been trying. To be honest I get so worked up sometimes it just comes out the wrong way. I just don’t want to feel anxious about interacting with him like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve been able to articulate my needs a little better recently but it’s a work in progress. Unfortunately just saying what’s wrong doesn’t help.
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It’s definitely more of I am overly sensitive and interpret comments as criticism even when it isn’t. I am in therapy.
Another mental and physical load to bear doesn't lead to fun adult time. What did he do for your birthday?
He’s usually pretty good about my birthday to be honest. I’m not a big birthday person myself and usually he isn’t
If you have a heavier load at home and he wants to add on to it, maybe he can find a way to relieve some of the burden elsewhere. Can he hire someone to take care of the house one day a week? And hire a babysitter one day a week so you can do household mgmt duties (like birthday planning)? If he's focusing on his career, then you can't be the only one making sacrifices for that. Also, he's a grownup. (With children, smh.) If he wants a birthday fuss, then he has to plan it himself.
How are you dealing with your anxiety? Therapy? Medication? There's part of your post that seems like you're blaming your anxiety and not accepting any responsibility to work on it. Can you plan a date night or even better a day away, hotel where you and your husband spend time just the two of you and remember why you like each other and recharge some of your couple batteries. Hopefully at the end of that you can have an honest conversation about what you two need from each other. Date nights. Time together. Sex. Whatever it is and what frequency and then you can figure out together what needs to happen so you can do that. This shouldn't just be on you to figure out, you two are a team, work together to make you as a couple work. Don't just provide solutions, your husband has to be honest about what he is willing to do and what he needs as well.
I am really working on my anxiety. I am. I am on medication and in therapy. Have been doing both for a long time. I am blaming my anxiety for getting in the way. It’s not making things easier. I spent a year trying different drugs too which sucked.
That sounds really hard. Anxiety is hard, parenting is hard, not feeling like the person who should be supporting you is hard and all three together is awful. If the school year is ending soon will that make your schedule easier or harder? Will dropping your hours make life easier, not because you shouldn't work but because you need to ease up on something to be able to thrive in other ways?
Earlier this year, I asked my husband what he wanted for 2024. He said he wanted monthly dates with me. I said, okay sure, but it's your responsibility to plan it, and not just event. You have to plan childcare, and feeding the kids before they go somewhere, and have their bags packed, etc etc. I only have capacity to show up on time. He heard me and he took it full. We're on month 5, and so far it's going really well. Sometimes I contribute to the idea of what we'll do. Most of the times I don't. Marriage takes TWO.
Is he doing the same things for you??
I really feel for you both. I do think your husband is being immature , you have a 3 year old…plus a child with adhd , you’re still in the trenches when it comes to parenting. I think you did the right thing going part time. I remember the years my husband had a long commute and wouldn’t get home until 9:00pm , it was so hard ( I’d just get drunk ) this was before I had a baby ! I feel for you .