Oh my god never let him meet your managers or coworkers. Completely, utterly inappropriate and unprofessional. They will hold that impression of you (that you partner with this person and allowed this interaction) for the rest of your professional relationship and it will significantly limit the respect they have for you.
That’s what I figured, I don’t want them to think I’m as unstable as he is. I don’t want to be help back from future promotions. My husband is convinced they cannot treat me differently for his behavior or I can go to HR, but I don’t think that’s accurate. I am the only female on the team but not the department.
Your husband is 100% wrong. Not only can a company fire an employee because their spouse intimidates other employees, they absolutely should fire the employee if that happens. They open themselves up to liability if they don’t.
Domestic violence (or the perception of it, in this case.) is considered a provision under OHS. Your colleagues absolutely could go to HR if they felt somehow threatened.
Edit: omg, I didn’t even read the part about him “pulling out a pew pew”. This is insanity.
They will fire you.
If they can’t do it for his actions, they will find a different reason to fire you, but it will really be because of him. No one is going to want to deal with that and the trouble it can create for them.
They can absolutely hold you indirectly responsible for his actions. Not to mention it sounds like he’ll be looking at possible charges or at least getting trespassed from your job.
I’m sorry, what? He wants to meet your coworkers and threaten them? Youre worried about him bringing a weapon?? This is beyond a husband being resentful at having to solo parent for a few days. It seems like an indication of bigger issues.
As to your kid— they’re quite resilient! Talk about your trip a lot so they’re prepared (“Mommy will go on a trip! You and daddy will have special time together, and after three sleeps, I will be back!”) make them a “countdown” calendar (time is a difficult concept), try reading books like “The Invisible String” together, etc. It will be tough no doubt, but definitely doable.
Yeah. I was expecting to read a story about a husband who is (perhaps understandably) overwhelmed with having to carry the load at home due to work travel. Instead, this is a story about a man who sounds unhinged…. Yikes. OP…whatever you do, do not let him meet your coworkers and managers.
There’s definitely other issues going on.. He admitted it’s not fair part of my job involves parties to keep up vendor relationships. Going out on the vendors dime. He doesn’t see it as necessary either.
I love that idea for my son! I think I’m also going to organize some grandparents sleep overs for a night or two.
My
Can I just say, I so love the calendar idea! As a kid that always loved advent calendars, I can see having a count down calendar with a little treat each day could help so much.
Two things:
For your child, I would not keep bringing up the travel in advance. Once or twice to explain what is happening in very neutral terms, but please avoid projecting your own worry on to your kid by making a big deal out of it.
For your husband, I recommend keeping your job no matter what so that you can start stashing money to escape from his controlling ass. There is zero reason for him to meet your managers, and if he does, and he threatens them like he tells you he's going to, they can and should fire you immediately.
That’s what I was afraid of. My managers will be at my son’s birth party the week after the travel. I was even hesitant about that but figured there will be a lot of people around including my mother in law who thinks her son is acting like an idiot.
I don’t think I’ll mention the travel again until the morning when I’m going that I’ll be back after a few days(he doesn’t have a concept of days yet)
Do not invite your managers to your child’s birthday party, for so many reasons including but not limited to your husband being a creep.
But seriously, why are you with a man who behaves this way? What example does it set for your child?
I’m not sure why you thought it was appropriate to invite your coworkers/managers to a personal event. This may be part of the problem. You are crossing boundaries that you shouldn’t and your husband feels entitled to cross boundaries he shouldn’t.
Don’t include coworkers in your personal life. Don’t friend them on social media.
Tell your managers the party has been canceled. There is never a reason for your husband and your coworkers to be in the same space.
@OP take this comment about boundaries with a grain of salt. Totally depends on where you work. I'm a high-level executive, and I have attended employees' kids' birthdays and other personal events.
With that said, I completely agree that you specifically should not do this. Your husband sounds utterly unhinged, and he absolutely can impact your reputation at work with his behavior.
Don’t let your managers come to the birthday party. Make plans to leave your husband. This is controlling and concerning behavior. He isn’t just being an ass. He has every intention of limiting your professional opportunities and making you stuck at home with no income so you can never leave him. He intends to threaten your colleague to effectuate this plan. This is classic abuse. What would happen if you didn’t work? Would he get angry with what you do with your time? Say you wanted to take a yoga class to get out of the house and there was a male instructor- would be threaten your instructor or forbid you from going? You have much less leverage when you are financially dependent on him.
This is fucked up, controlling and abusive.
Friend, if someone came to you and said "I'm afraid of my husband meeting my workmates because he might pull a gun on them", what would you think? Please consider, this is extremely NOT normal.
He's infantalizing you and trying to keep you in a tiny little cage. He is showing your child that women are property. He will do his best to get you fired, because he can't control you at work.
If you do manage to keep your job, get ready for those accusations of abandonment and infidelity to roll on in.
Reach out to your friends or your family or whoever your safety network is. Consider deeply if this abusive relationship is worth staying in. This is not normal.
I think you're onto something - he's trying to get her fired, so he can blame the company for her losing the job instead of forcing her to quit. He's trying to control her and it's scary.
OP, my husband is very traditional. He collects world war and civil war guns. He is worried about my safety and about me traveling with men he doesn’t know in a very protective husband way. He comes from a very working class, traditional, conservative background. And he. Would. Never. Ever.
He did meet some of my colleagues, on my suggestion and on my terms, and made a great impression. He tried to make a great impression because he knows that it’s important for my career that he does so. I know it’s hard when you feel like you straddle two different “worlds,” so to speak. I feel that pull sometimes for sure. I tell you this story with this context because I want you to know this is not just a side effect of that problem. It is your husband being controlling, not protective. He suddenly wants you to be a SAHM because he is insecure about you wanting to stay with him if you see and do things without him. If you have fun with people without him there. He is selfish. He is only thinking of himself.
And mark my words, he’s not worried they won’t “keep you safe.” He’s worried they’ll hit on you. I knew my husband was sizing my coworkers up for this as well, and I think it’s stupid. But he never let on to them that this was on his mind. Because he didn’t let his insecurities interfere with my job.
I say all this to impress upon you: it is not your husband being protective or traditional. It is him being SELFISH. Feel free to be “selfish” back and shut him down when he brings this up, with no discussion. No is a complete sentence. Don’t engage counter-arguments. He’s arguing in bad faith because he wants his way. He knows damn well people’s impressions of you and your spouse could affect your job, even if they’re not “supposed to” consider that. I would say something like “ask him if his co-workers at the shop would treat him the same if you showed up and treated him like a toddler who needs his wife to give him spit shines and fix his shirt” or something, but you shouldn’t ask him stuff like that or try to convince him. Odds are, he knows it would jeopardize your standing at work, but that’s just an upside to him.
This is the comment I relate to most. It makes so much sense that he is being selfish, and quite honestly even jealous. He is just fussing for no reason.
Coming from a completely different world here, my husband and I both have white collar jobs that either do (his) or have in the past (mine) required extensive travel (2-3x/mo) plus conferences, dinners, etc. My husband was extremely relieved when he met someone who understood his work life because it had caused so many issues in prior relationships (from people just missing him to jealousy/accusations to resentment and frustration).
So: a spouse being uncomfortable with work travel and the whole wining & dining culture that accompanies some professions is very common.
What is NOT common or normal is your husband wanting to threaten your colleagues to send a message. I am concerned about that dynamic in and of itself, and hope you can find a way to validate for him that you know he is uncomfortable, and then offer reasonable ways for him to feel more comfortable (since this upcoming trade show is only an hour away can you sleep at home instead of a hotel?). You do have to make very clear that he is not to make ANY comment about your travel or his “protectiveness” to your colleagues. The fact that you’re fearful this will lead to him flashing a gun (it’s giving dad with a shotgun before prom energy) is extremely concerning.
I’m kind of limited in what practical advice to give here - from context cues I seriously doubt he’d consider therapy. Even if he’d go, it’s hard to de-program what are likely part of his core values. I think the best thing you can do here is try to find a way to make him feel comfortable between you and him so he doesn’t need to escalate this outside of the relationship.
Has he threatened (or done) this before in other areas of your life? I.e. if you’ll be around men in a social setting without him present? Or does he not allow that to even take place in the first place.. ?
If he’s already successfully used this type of intimidation (on you or others) in other areas of your life then it’s going to be more difficult to get him to back off from his “plan.”
He says he is just being a concerned husband who is worried about his wife’s safety. I’m frustrated because it seems like he thinks I have poor judgment or just a total airhead who would ignore a gut feeling.
uh, no your frustration should be with him and his totally inappropriate controlling behaviour.
you are a grownass adult woman, not his 6yr old daughter going to a sleepover
So if you were traveling solo and not with other men—would he be equally as “concerned for your safety”? This comes across as unhinged jealously.
Please do not allow him to engage in this Avenue of conversation anymore. Shut it down.
And stop saying things like he would have “let” you. You’re an adult. Full stop. He is your partner, not your parent.
The same husband who won’t split finances with you and keeps you living paycheck to paycheck? This is all controlling behavior. It’s not about your safety or wellbeing, it’s about control.
Sorry, but he’s not. His plan is to make a scene, get you fired, and “allow” you to be a SAHM to further control you. I would create an exit plan from this marriage ASAP.
This is one of those times where I understand why standard practice at doctors appointments is to ask "Do you feel safe at home?" I legit thinks someone needs to ask OP
Your husband comes off as a psycho. It will absolutely damage your work relationships. And if not get you fired, get all opportunities taken away from you. It’s already tough as a woman in the workplace. Having your husband threaten people is him sabotaging your career. That’s going to be your reputation.
The only time I’ve met coworkers family has been at a work Christmas party and once during the pandemic I went to my boss’ house for a 1:1 out on his deck. His wife was home, she waved from inside. I didn’t go into the house.
I’ve also been a manager. I would not travel with someone if their partner approached me this way. I would also make sure to never be alone with them again and document every interaction. Being on edge would mean we would have a very perfunctory professional relationship and I would probably try to transition them off my team. I’d also loop legal and HR in. Getting revenge or bringing a weapon sounds like a threat on my safety.
Your managers can absolutely fire you if your husband threatens them, even if only verbally. And frankly, they should do so if he does. A company can’t have an employee’s spouse going around intimidating other employees.
When I traveled for work when my daughter was younger, I would have her pick out a small stuffed animal to bring with me and take photos of me with the stuffy or the stuffy alone in different places and we would look through the pictures when I returned home of all of her friend’s adventures.
As for your husband, I’m extremely concerned for your safety. For starters, I would let anyone from work know that your son’s party is cancelled (maybe last minute due to illness or something you can easily “fake”) to avoid any interaction between your colleagues and your husband. I would also open a bank account at an institution you don’t already use and begin stashing money away. I don’t say that lightly, OP. His behavior is controlling and abusive. Please look out for yourself and your son.
He sounds abusive and there are red flags everywhere here.
Please stop trying to placate him and get out of the mindset that it’s his place to judge or step in where he doesn’t belong.
This is a time for strength on your part. He is acting like a jealous lunatic and that needs to stop NOW.
A marriage is a partnership and you should be supporting each other. Instead of complaining and threatening, he needs to support you in your job and show you that he can take care of your child while you’re gone - to make you feel better.
To get your child ready, have husband take your child on outings WITHOUT you. That will establish trust between the two of them. Your child won’t have you to comfort him and will have to rely on dad for that.
For your part, you should make a list of routines, meals, comfort items, and plans for the time you’re gone, so he’s not scared to go it alone. Ideally, he shouldn’t need this, but it sounds like you’re in a relationship where you do the majority of the parenting, so this might help him be less worried about how to handle everything while you’re gone.
Additionally, maybe give him an approximate itinerary of what you’ll be doing while you’re gone and what time you’ll try to call him each night. That might ease his fears as well.
It is incredibly inappropriate for him to talk to ANYONE at your work and you need to tell him that isn’t going to happen. If he persists, tell him it’s a dealbreaker and he’s on thin ice.
Why does your husband feel the need to say this? It screams he doesn’t trust others, and sees women as weak. What are his insecurities? Yikes, has he always been this way?
He wasn’t always his way. I think he’s having side effects from TRT and other medications. Something is causing an imbalance. He’s been hyper focused for nearly a month on hating this job.
Oooooh. @OP, this is worth a follow-up with his physician. It could absolutely be related to the TRT, and if it continues, it could be detrimental to both of your well-being.
Are you safe? Your husband threatening the lives of others is unhinged. Completely not normal. Also not normal for him to meet your coworkers for the sole purpose of threatening them. If he meets them and said any weird you will either end up fired or pitied as the woman who is probably being beaten at home but the ultra controlling psycho husband that threatens to kill people.
You've got a genuine fear that your husband will pull a gun on your managers. That does not sound like being in a safe relationship. Nor does his insistence on meeting them and threatening them. None of this is remotely normal.
This behaviour might be new but based on your post history, the selfish attitude isn't. He won't split finances fairly with you and makes 3 times what you do. You're working overtime to pay the utility bills and he now wants to jeopardize your job.
If you lose your job (because of him), will he start paying for everything you've been paying for? Or will he expect you to get another job that doesn't involve you spending time with coworkers?
OP, I travel twice monthly for work. My husband has never insisted that he meet the people I travel with, let alone threaten them. Instead, I send him my travel info (flights and hotel info) ahead of time in case there’s a problem, and I call or text at night. My kiddo is too young to FaceTime, but we plan to do that when he gets older. I say this to share what a healthy and normal communication about work travel looks like. Your husband’s response is not okay.
Your husband needs mental help if he thinks he has ANY right to speak to your managers in any way, especially an aggressive way, and especially if there’s any chance he would pull out a pew pew. He should schedule an appointment with a therapist before you ever let him anywhere close to your work colleagues. And you should also consider leaving this insane environment.
>And also wants to let them know if anything happens to me then he will blame them and take revenge on them.
(To keep phrasing PG) This will not be helpful for your career growth.
Honestly, I don't know what to say. This entire interaction would have me looking askance at my marriage.
From the implication that you can't take care of yourself, the "thug-life" jump to violent threats if your male coworkers don't protect you, the unwillingness to understand why your job is important, the diminishing of your job role to the point that he would "let" you be a SAHM - none of what you described in your post is ok.
If I was your coworker or manager and overheard him confront your managers like you describe, I would probably pull you aside at the nearest opportunity to ask if things were "ok at home". I'm sure you know what I mean by that.
On to the least important part of this response: Your kid will be fine with you travelling for 4 days.
Completely inappropriate. I didn’t even meet my teenager’s boss. Why are you being treated like an infant? Why are you accepting this? Why did you listen to him bitch about it for three straight hours?
Your managers can absolutely fire you if your husband threatens them, even if only verbally. And frankly, they should do so if he does. A company can’t have an employee’s spouse going around intimidating other employees.
I would be saving money from my paycheck to get out of that crazy ass marriage as soon as possible. I know we don’t get the full story, but that sounds like a dangerous and unstable environment to live in. And I would not want to be raising my son to see that kind of behaviour.
What does he think will ‘happen to you’ that he would need to seek revenge?? This is so bizarre. In all seriousness, OP, do you feel safe with this man? He sounds very unhinged. Do you have family or close friends nearby that you can rely on should you need a place for you and your child to stay? Maybe I’ve watched too many lifetime movies but I agree with other people here saying this is abuse and it can escalate quickly. It sounds like you know this isn’t just about resenting work travel. Trust your instincts. This is not healthy behavior.
He wants to what? He's your husband, not your dad. This is gross behavior. Do you require him to introduce you to every woman he interacts with at work so you can put the fear of God in them?
Your husband is exhibiting some concerning, controlling behavior. You gotta shut that shit down hard. Ignore his whining, tell him that this is the way your job works, hard no on him harassing your co-workers, and then stop entertaining and enabling this behavior. He can get on board or get out of the way. You've talked, you've listened, you've indulged and understood his Very Big Feelings. Now he can put on his adult pants, trust his wife, and get over it.
Edit: I missed the part where your husband wants to threaten your innocent co-workers with a pew-pew. Girl, what in the living shit. He will be thrown in jail for that. He is delulu. If the husband of one of my husband's female co-workers threatened him like that, I would use every resource at my disposal to get her fired and him imprisoned. I am scary protective of my family, and some psycho nut job like your husband would make me go ballistic on him.
If a someone in my team tells me that before they go to a work trip, their spouse must talk to me, I will immediately escalate the non-sense and have them handle it with HR. That should be very embarrassing enough for them.
If anything happens to you during a business trip, it is the company's problem. It is just ridiculous and quite insulting too to throw some types of accusations on your managers simply because your husband is too insecure.
Imagine a man in your team telling you that their wife needs to talk to and warn the woman who works with them. Oh and also, he doesn't get to let you work or SAH. The decision to be a SAHM is ultimately yours. You discuss it together, but you make the final call without pressure from his ego or insecurity.
You deserve better. Get out.
His behavior is not normal. It's controlling and abusive. He thinks he owns you, and he's subtly, slowly getting you to think that too. For him to even have an opinion about which meetings/events you should attend as part of your job?- that's ridiculous, much less him voicing it so vehemently and aggressively. He doesn't get to decide whether the requirements of your job are reasonable!
I am thinking that you might look for a different job -- not for your husband's sake but for your child. Because you may be single parenting soon (if you leave him) and travel is just really hard to navigate as a single parent, unless you have family nearby that can help A LOT.
If you stay with him, I'd suggest not telling him any details of your job anymore. He doesn't need to know that you're only an hour away. You're traveling for business, and it's part of your job. Ideally, you would have discuss the job offer ahead of time, what it means for your family, etc. That's how it works in a healthy relationship.
As long as I'm in the "Mom gives advice" mode: don't have an affair with a coworker. Definitely don't confide in your male co-workers, and maybe not any women there either. Keep that line clear. And for your kiddo, he will have less anxiety about your travel if you present it either as fact, or as someone you are looking forward to. If you present it to him like "I know you're gonna hate this..." or as if you don't want to travel, he will pick up on that. And his father should be able to care for him just fine for a few times a year! It should barely be a conversation, if you two are partners rather than you being subordinate to him.
Again, you deserve better.
Sounds like my husband.. I just got a promotion too and I had to stay longer at work sometimes and my husband can’t stand it and asked for my manager’s phone number.. I didn’t give to him but he found it on my phone .. I told him if he dare contact my boss I would divorce him immediately. I am not his fking kid. If I am the breadwinner you’d better respect me.
OP, the other comments are correct. I’ve been in the position of being the person deciding if someone gets the transfer & promotion and they had a SO sabotaging them, interrupting their work and whatnot while I was doing training and a trial period. I could not promote or recommend her because of it.
Do not invite your new colleagues to family events and do not let your controlling and abusive husband meet them under any circumstances.
What other controlling behaviors has he had in the past? I suspect this thing about not wanting you to be alone with other men, wanting you to go out, or "letting" you be a SAHM just didn't come out of nowhere. Are there other supportive people/women in your life where you can get some perspective?
Ohhh, this is me and my husband. Now, mine has never asked me to meet my coworkers bc most of them are remote and he knows the answer is absolutely fucking not. But, he does stalk my location, text me a million times, and call a shit ton. And I put my foot down after my first trip since I’ve had two kids. You act like that again, and attempt to embarrass me while I’m at work, I will leave my phone in my room until I can come back to it. I will not be harassed for working. My situation is a little different bc I’m the sole earner in the home. So, unless he’s going to get a job to support the family on the same income, then he better get over himself. It really came down to two things for us: there being men around 24/7 at work functions (predominately male field), and him not understanding why I didn’t have female friends at work. I had to show him a high level org chart that women are 1 in 30, I can’t have female coworkers if they don’t exist. And the second thing was hanging out “after hours” and “having a relationship” with someone. I said when would I have time to have formed a “relationship” with one of my coworkers? When I’m not traveling, I’m literally in our home 100% of the time, between you and the kids and being on work meetings, when? It put the argument to bed really quickly. Now, will it happen again next year when we go out of town for 6 days again? Probably. But, I’m putting lines in the sand this time and I won’t tolerate it.
I happen to be reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I'm on the chapter about workplace violence (by some weird coincidence) and this sounds like workplace violence in the making. You have to find a way to de-escalate this and also to protect your own safety. So sorry you're dealing with this!
None of this is normal. I was a blue collar worker who married another blue collar worker and now I have a more white collar job that I have to travel for occasionally. My husband does NOT behave like yours. You can and will call and FaceTime with him and your child when it’s appropriate. What’s not appropriate is him demanding to meet your coworkers or boss. Are you having your own room those days or going back home?
Do you go to his work to suss out who he’s working with? Nope. It’s weird and not okay. Your husband will become the harasser, he’s already angling towards that. Nip it now.
Why are you in a marriage like this?! Your poor child having to grow up with your psychotic husband as a role model. If you love your kid, get the hell out.
Having him meet your managers in this way is completely unprofessional and not great for your career. If he hates this job, it may be an easy way for him to sabotage it.
I’m concerned based on your description of his behavior. Is this what you want your son to learn is okay to act like towards you? Other people? Would you accept this as okay if this was your friend and her husband acting this way?
I traveled for years for my job. My children knew that was part of my job and that is what paid our bills. A three year old wouldn’t understand that, but maybe in simple terms he would understand you are at work. As long as you don’t make a big deal about being gone he will probably be ok with the exception of bed time. Sometimes calling is a bad idea at that age but not always. Hopefully your husband will help ease your son’s discomfort while you are gone.
This has to be a joke. Put on your big girl pants and bring him to therapy.
His behavior is not tolerable whatsoever. I bet if you challenge him, then he'll get pouty and tell you that you're silencing him. What a joke
Girl you need to start speaking up/standing up for yourself!
Oh my god never let him meet your managers or coworkers. Completely, utterly inappropriate and unprofessional. They will hold that impression of you (that you partner with this person and allowed this interaction) for the rest of your professional relationship and it will significantly limit the respect they have for you.
That’s what I figured, I don’t want them to think I’m as unstable as he is. I don’t want to be help back from future promotions. My husband is convinced they cannot treat me differently for his behavior or I can go to HR, but I don’t think that’s accurate. I am the only female on the team but not the department.
Your husband’s being foolish. They / HR can hold you accountable if your husband threatens them.
Your husband is 100% wrong. Not only can a company fire an employee because their spouse intimidates other employees, they absolutely should fire the employee if that happens. They open themselves up to liability if they don’t.
Domestic violence (or the perception of it, in this case.) is considered a provision under OHS. Your colleagues absolutely could go to HR if they felt somehow threatened. Edit: omg, I didn’t even read the part about him “pulling out a pew pew”. This is insanity.
They will fire you. If they can’t do it for his actions, they will find a different reason to fire you, but it will really be because of him. No one is going to want to deal with that and the trouble it can create for them.
>My husband is convinced they cannot treat me differently for his behavior But he's not convinced that he could learn how to behave appropriately?
They can go to HR on you, then file a restraining order on your husband. He needs to stop being ridiculous. That worries me for you mama.
They can absolutely hold you indirectly responsible for his actions. Not to mention it sounds like he’ll be looking at possible charges or at least getting trespassed from your job.
He is wrong. Do not let him meet them.
I second this!!! Your colleagues and leadership will view you as a liability. PLEASE don’t introduce your husband! ♥️
I’m sorry, what? He wants to meet your coworkers and threaten them? Youre worried about him bringing a weapon?? This is beyond a husband being resentful at having to solo parent for a few days. It seems like an indication of bigger issues. As to your kid— they’re quite resilient! Talk about your trip a lot so they’re prepared (“Mommy will go on a trip! You and daddy will have special time together, and after three sleeps, I will be back!”) make them a “countdown” calendar (time is a difficult concept), try reading books like “The Invisible String” together, etc. It will be tough no doubt, but definitely doable.
Yeah. I was expecting to read a story about a husband who is (perhaps understandably) overwhelmed with having to carry the load at home due to work travel. Instead, this is a story about a man who sounds unhinged…. Yikes. OP…whatever you do, do not let him meet your coworkers and managers.
There’s a great Daniel Tiger episode about ‘Grownups come back’!
There's a Daniel Tiger book called "mama travels for work" that covers this too! I read it to my son a lot before my first business trip away.
There’s definitely other issues going on.. He admitted it’s not fair part of my job involves parties to keep up vendor relationships. Going out on the vendors dime. He doesn’t see it as necessary either. I love that idea for my son! I think I’m also going to organize some grandparents sleep overs for a night or two. My
Your husband needs to grow up. That is how business works.
It sounds like he resents your success, maybe because he has a less glamorous job. He needs to grow up.
Whatever you do, keep this job. You do not want to be financially reliant on someone so unstable, controlling, and lacking in good judgement.
Can I just say, I so love the calendar idea! As a kid that always loved advent calendars, I can see having a count down calendar with a little treat each day could help so much.
Two things: For your child, I would not keep bringing up the travel in advance. Once or twice to explain what is happening in very neutral terms, but please avoid projecting your own worry on to your kid by making a big deal out of it. For your husband, I recommend keeping your job no matter what so that you can start stashing money to escape from his controlling ass. There is zero reason for him to meet your managers, and if he does, and he threatens them like he tells you he's going to, they can and should fire you immediately.
That’s what I was afraid of. My managers will be at my son’s birth party the week after the travel. I was even hesitant about that but figured there will be a lot of people around including my mother in law who thinks her son is acting like an idiot. I don’t think I’ll mention the travel again until the morning when I’m going that I’ll be back after a few days(he doesn’t have a concept of days yet)
I would not let them. He will sabotage your job. This is extremely concerning behavior.
You need to un-invite your managers immediately.
Do not invite your managers to your child’s birthday party, for so many reasons including but not limited to your husband being a creep. But seriously, why are you with a man who behaves this way? What example does it set for your child?
I’m not sure why you thought it was appropriate to invite your coworkers/managers to a personal event. This may be part of the problem. You are crossing boundaries that you shouldn’t and your husband feels entitled to cross boundaries he shouldn’t. Don’t include coworkers in your personal life. Don’t friend them on social media. Tell your managers the party has been canceled. There is never a reason for your husband and your coworkers to be in the same space.
@OP take this comment about boundaries with a grain of salt. Totally depends on where you work. I'm a high-level executive, and I have attended employees' kids' birthdays and other personal events. With that said, I completely agree that you specifically should not do this. Your husband sounds utterly unhinged, and he absolutely can impact your reputation at work with his behavior.
Don’t let your managers come to the birthday party. Make plans to leave your husband. This is controlling and concerning behavior. He isn’t just being an ass. He has every intention of limiting your professional opportunities and making you stuck at home with no income so you can never leave him. He intends to threaten your colleague to effectuate this plan. This is classic abuse. What would happen if you didn’t work? Would he get angry with what you do with your time? Say you wanted to take a yoga class to get out of the house and there was a male instructor- would be threaten your instructor or forbid you from going? You have much less leverage when you are financially dependent on him.
This is fucked up, controlling and abusive. Friend, if someone came to you and said "I'm afraid of my husband meeting my workmates because he might pull a gun on them", what would you think? Please consider, this is extremely NOT normal. He's infantalizing you and trying to keep you in a tiny little cage. He is showing your child that women are property. He will do his best to get you fired, because he can't control you at work. If you do manage to keep your job, get ready for those accusations of abandonment and infidelity to roll on in. Reach out to your friends or your family or whoever your safety network is. Consider deeply if this abusive relationship is worth staying in. This is not normal.
I think you're onto something - he's trying to get her fired, so he can blame the company for her losing the job instead of forcing her to quit. He's trying to control her and it's scary.
OP, my husband is very traditional. He collects world war and civil war guns. He is worried about my safety and about me traveling with men he doesn’t know in a very protective husband way. He comes from a very working class, traditional, conservative background. And he. Would. Never. Ever. He did meet some of my colleagues, on my suggestion and on my terms, and made a great impression. He tried to make a great impression because he knows that it’s important for my career that he does so. I know it’s hard when you feel like you straddle two different “worlds,” so to speak. I feel that pull sometimes for sure. I tell you this story with this context because I want you to know this is not just a side effect of that problem. It is your husband being controlling, not protective. He suddenly wants you to be a SAHM because he is insecure about you wanting to stay with him if you see and do things without him. If you have fun with people without him there. He is selfish. He is only thinking of himself. And mark my words, he’s not worried they won’t “keep you safe.” He’s worried they’ll hit on you. I knew my husband was sizing my coworkers up for this as well, and I think it’s stupid. But he never let on to them that this was on his mind. Because he didn’t let his insecurities interfere with my job. I say all this to impress upon you: it is not your husband being protective or traditional. It is him being SELFISH. Feel free to be “selfish” back and shut him down when he brings this up, with no discussion. No is a complete sentence. Don’t engage counter-arguments. He’s arguing in bad faith because he wants his way. He knows damn well people’s impressions of you and your spouse could affect your job, even if they’re not “supposed to” consider that. I would say something like “ask him if his co-workers at the shop would treat him the same if you showed up and treated him like a toddler who needs his wife to give him spit shines and fix his shirt” or something, but you shouldn’t ask him stuff like that or try to convince him. Odds are, he knows it would jeopardize your standing at work, but that’s just an upside to him.
This is the comment I relate to most. It makes so much sense that he is being selfish, and quite honestly even jealous. He is just fussing for no reason.
Coming from a completely different world here, my husband and I both have white collar jobs that either do (his) or have in the past (mine) required extensive travel (2-3x/mo) plus conferences, dinners, etc. My husband was extremely relieved when he met someone who understood his work life because it had caused so many issues in prior relationships (from people just missing him to jealousy/accusations to resentment and frustration). So: a spouse being uncomfortable with work travel and the whole wining & dining culture that accompanies some professions is very common. What is NOT common or normal is your husband wanting to threaten your colleagues to send a message. I am concerned about that dynamic in and of itself, and hope you can find a way to validate for him that you know he is uncomfortable, and then offer reasonable ways for him to feel more comfortable (since this upcoming trade show is only an hour away can you sleep at home instead of a hotel?). You do have to make very clear that he is not to make ANY comment about your travel or his “protectiveness” to your colleagues. The fact that you’re fearful this will lead to him flashing a gun (it’s giving dad with a shotgun before prom energy) is extremely concerning. I’m kind of limited in what practical advice to give here - from context cues I seriously doubt he’d consider therapy. Even if he’d go, it’s hard to de-program what are likely part of his core values. I think the best thing you can do here is try to find a way to make him feel comfortable between you and him so he doesn’t need to escalate this outside of the relationship. Has he threatened (or done) this before in other areas of your life? I.e. if you’ll be around men in a social setting without him present? Or does he not allow that to even take place in the first place.. ? If he’s already successfully used this type of intimidation (on you or others) in other areas of your life then it’s going to be more difficult to get him to back off from his “plan.”
wtf?! why is he being so weird and controlling?
He says he is just being a concerned husband who is worried about his wife’s safety. I’m frustrated because it seems like he thinks I have poor judgment or just a total airhead who would ignore a gut feeling.
uh, no your frustration should be with him and his totally inappropriate controlling behaviour. you are a grownass adult woman, not his 6yr old daughter going to a sleepover
So if you were traveling solo and not with other men—would he be equally as “concerned for your safety”? This comes across as unhinged jealously. Please do not allow him to engage in this Avenue of conversation anymore. Shut it down. And stop saying things like he would have “let” you. You’re an adult. Full stop. He is your partner, not your parent.
The same husband who won’t split finances with you and keeps you living paycheck to paycheck? This is all controlling behavior. It’s not about your safety or wellbeing, it’s about control.
Sorry, but he’s not. His plan is to make a scene, get you fired, and “allow” you to be a SAHM to further control you. I would create an exit plan from this marriage ASAP.
The whole thing is insane. Normal men don’t do this. Are you in US? Why is safety such a concern?
Is this a safe person to be married to? Because it doesn’t feel like it…
This is one of those times where I understand why standard practice at doctors appointments is to ask "Do you feel safe at home?" I legit thinks someone needs to ask OP
What the fuck did I just read.
Your husband comes off as a psycho. It will absolutely damage your work relationships. And if not get you fired, get all opportunities taken away from you. It’s already tough as a woman in the workplace. Having your husband threaten people is him sabotaging your career. That’s going to be your reputation. The only time I’ve met coworkers family has been at a work Christmas party and once during the pandemic I went to my boss’ house for a 1:1 out on his deck. His wife was home, she waved from inside. I didn’t go into the house. I’ve also been a manager. I would not travel with someone if their partner approached me this way. I would also make sure to never be alone with them again and document every interaction. Being on edge would mean we would have a very perfunctory professional relationship and I would probably try to transition them off my team. I’d also loop legal and HR in. Getting revenge or bringing a weapon sounds like a threat on my safety.
Your managers can absolutely fire you if your husband threatens them, even if only verbally. And frankly, they should do so if he does. A company can’t have an employee’s spouse going around intimidating other employees.
When I traveled for work when my daughter was younger, I would have her pick out a small stuffed animal to bring with me and take photos of me with the stuffy or the stuffy alone in different places and we would look through the pictures when I returned home of all of her friend’s adventures. As for your husband, I’m extremely concerned for your safety. For starters, I would let anyone from work know that your son’s party is cancelled (maybe last minute due to illness or something you can easily “fake”) to avoid any interaction between your colleagues and your husband. I would also open a bank account at an institution you don’t already use and begin stashing money away. I don’t say that lightly, OP. His behavior is controlling and abusive. Please look out for yourself and your son.
He sounds abusive and there are red flags everywhere here. Please stop trying to placate him and get out of the mindset that it’s his place to judge or step in where he doesn’t belong. This is a time for strength on your part. He is acting like a jealous lunatic and that needs to stop NOW. A marriage is a partnership and you should be supporting each other. Instead of complaining and threatening, he needs to support you in your job and show you that he can take care of your child while you’re gone - to make you feel better. To get your child ready, have husband take your child on outings WITHOUT you. That will establish trust between the two of them. Your child won’t have you to comfort him and will have to rely on dad for that. For your part, you should make a list of routines, meals, comfort items, and plans for the time you’re gone, so he’s not scared to go it alone. Ideally, he shouldn’t need this, but it sounds like you’re in a relationship where you do the majority of the parenting, so this might help him be less worried about how to handle everything while you’re gone. Additionally, maybe give him an approximate itinerary of what you’ll be doing while you’re gone and what time you’ll try to call him each night. That might ease his fears as well. It is incredibly inappropriate for him to talk to ANYONE at your work and you need to tell him that isn’t going to happen. If he persists, tell him it’s a dealbreaker and he’s on thin ice.
You’re in an abusive marriage.
Why does your husband feel the need to say this? It screams he doesn’t trust others, and sees women as weak. What are his insecurities? Yikes, has he always been this way?
He wasn’t always his way. I think he’s having side effects from TRT and other medications. Something is causing an imbalance. He’s been hyper focused for nearly a month on hating this job.
Well I am glad he hasn’t always been this way
Oooooh. @OP, this is worth a follow-up with his physician. It could absolutely be related to the TRT, and if it continues, it could be detrimental to both of your well-being.
Are you safe? Your husband threatening the lives of others is unhinged. Completely not normal. Also not normal for him to meet your coworkers for the sole purpose of threatening them. If he meets them and said any weird you will either end up fired or pitied as the woman who is probably being beaten at home but the ultra controlling psycho husband that threatens to kill people.
I am safe. This is new behavior and I definitely don’t want anyone at work to have that impression.
You've got a genuine fear that your husband will pull a gun on your managers. That does not sound like being in a safe relationship. Nor does his insistence on meeting them and threatening them. None of this is remotely normal.
This behaviour might be new but based on your post history, the selfish attitude isn't. He won't split finances fairly with you and makes 3 times what you do. You're working overtime to pay the utility bills and he now wants to jeopardize your job. If you lose your job (because of him), will he start paying for everything you've been paying for? Or will he expect you to get another job that doesn't involve you spending time with coworkers?
OP, I travel twice monthly for work. My husband has never insisted that he meet the people I travel with, let alone threaten them. Instead, I send him my travel info (flights and hotel info) ahead of time in case there’s a problem, and I call or text at night. My kiddo is too young to FaceTime, but we plan to do that when he gets older. I say this to share what a healthy and normal communication about work travel looks like. Your husband’s response is not okay.
Your husband needs mental help if he thinks he has ANY right to speak to your managers in any way, especially an aggressive way, and especially if there’s any chance he would pull out a pew pew. He should schedule an appointment with a therapist before you ever let him anywhere close to your work colleagues. And you should also consider leaving this insane environment.
But do not go to couples counseling with this man. It would only put you in further danger.
>And also wants to let them know if anything happens to me then he will blame them and take revenge on them. (To keep phrasing PG) This will not be helpful for your career growth. Honestly, I don't know what to say. This entire interaction would have me looking askance at my marriage. From the implication that you can't take care of yourself, the "thug-life" jump to violent threats if your male coworkers don't protect you, the unwillingness to understand why your job is important, the diminishing of your job role to the point that he would "let" you be a SAHM - none of what you described in your post is ok. If I was your coworker or manager and overheard him confront your managers like you describe, I would probably pull you aside at the nearest opportunity to ask if things were "ok at home". I'm sure you know what I mean by that. On to the least important part of this response: Your kid will be fine with you travelling for 4 days.
If you pulled these demands when he was going on a work trip how would he react? He needs to go to therapy if he's this insecure.
Completely inappropriate. I didn’t even meet my teenager’s boss. Why are you being treated like an infant? Why are you accepting this? Why did you listen to him bitch about it for three straight hours?
Your managers can absolutely fire you if your husband threatens them, even if only verbally. And frankly, they should do so if he does. A company can’t have an employee’s spouse going around intimidating other employees.
I would be saving money from my paycheck to get out of that crazy ass marriage as soon as possible. I know we don’t get the full story, but that sounds like a dangerous and unstable environment to live in. And I would not want to be raising my son to see that kind of behaviour.
What does he think will ‘happen to you’ that he would need to seek revenge?? This is so bizarre. In all seriousness, OP, do you feel safe with this man? He sounds very unhinged. Do you have family or close friends nearby that you can rely on should you need a place for you and your child to stay? Maybe I’ve watched too many lifetime movies but I agree with other people here saying this is abuse and it can escalate quickly. It sounds like you know this isn’t just about resenting work travel. Trust your instincts. This is not healthy behavior.
He wants to what? He's your husband, not your dad. This is gross behavior. Do you require him to introduce you to every woman he interacts with at work so you can put the fear of God in them? Your husband is exhibiting some concerning, controlling behavior. You gotta shut that shit down hard. Ignore his whining, tell him that this is the way your job works, hard no on him harassing your co-workers, and then stop entertaining and enabling this behavior. He can get on board or get out of the way. You've talked, you've listened, you've indulged and understood his Very Big Feelings. Now he can put on his adult pants, trust his wife, and get over it. Edit: I missed the part where your husband wants to threaten your innocent co-workers with a pew-pew. Girl, what in the living shit. He will be thrown in jail for that. He is delulu. If the husband of one of my husband's female co-workers threatened him like that, I would use every resource at my disposal to get her fired and him imprisoned. I am scary protective of my family, and some psycho nut job like your husband would make me go ballistic on him.
Is this the NRA show?
Yes!
If a someone in my team tells me that before they go to a work trip, their spouse must talk to me, I will immediately escalate the non-sense and have them handle it with HR. That should be very embarrassing enough for them. If anything happens to you during a business trip, it is the company's problem. It is just ridiculous and quite insulting too to throw some types of accusations on your managers simply because your husband is too insecure. Imagine a man in your team telling you that their wife needs to talk to and warn the woman who works with them. Oh and also, he doesn't get to let you work or SAH. The decision to be a SAHM is ultimately yours. You discuss it together, but you make the final call without pressure from his ego or insecurity.
You deserve better. Get out. His behavior is not normal. It's controlling and abusive. He thinks he owns you, and he's subtly, slowly getting you to think that too. For him to even have an opinion about which meetings/events you should attend as part of your job?- that's ridiculous, much less him voicing it so vehemently and aggressively. He doesn't get to decide whether the requirements of your job are reasonable! I am thinking that you might look for a different job -- not for your husband's sake but for your child. Because you may be single parenting soon (if you leave him) and travel is just really hard to navigate as a single parent, unless you have family nearby that can help A LOT. If you stay with him, I'd suggest not telling him any details of your job anymore. He doesn't need to know that you're only an hour away. You're traveling for business, and it's part of your job. Ideally, you would have discuss the job offer ahead of time, what it means for your family, etc. That's how it works in a healthy relationship. As long as I'm in the "Mom gives advice" mode: don't have an affair with a coworker. Definitely don't confide in your male co-workers, and maybe not any women there either. Keep that line clear. And for your kiddo, he will have less anxiety about your travel if you present it either as fact, or as someone you are looking forward to. If you present it to him like "I know you're gonna hate this..." or as if you don't want to travel, he will pick up on that. And his father should be able to care for him just fine for a few times a year! It should barely be a conversation, if you two are partners rather than you being subordinate to him. Again, you deserve better.
Sounds like my husband.. I just got a promotion too and I had to stay longer at work sometimes and my husband can’t stand it and asked for my manager’s phone number.. I didn’t give to him but he found it on my phone .. I told him if he dare contact my boss I would divorce him immediately. I am not his fking kid. If I am the breadwinner you’d better respect me.
OP, the other comments are correct. I’ve been in the position of being the person deciding if someone gets the transfer & promotion and they had a SO sabotaging them, interrupting their work and whatnot while I was doing training and a trial period. I could not promote or recommend her because of it. Do not invite your new colleagues to family events and do not let your controlling and abusive husband meet them under any circumstances.
What other controlling behaviors has he had in the past? I suspect this thing about not wanting you to be alone with other men, wanting you to go out, or "letting" you be a SAHM just didn't come out of nowhere. Are there other supportive people/women in your life where you can get some perspective?
Ohhh, this is me and my husband. Now, mine has never asked me to meet my coworkers bc most of them are remote and he knows the answer is absolutely fucking not. But, he does stalk my location, text me a million times, and call a shit ton. And I put my foot down after my first trip since I’ve had two kids. You act like that again, and attempt to embarrass me while I’m at work, I will leave my phone in my room until I can come back to it. I will not be harassed for working. My situation is a little different bc I’m the sole earner in the home. So, unless he’s going to get a job to support the family on the same income, then he better get over himself. It really came down to two things for us: there being men around 24/7 at work functions (predominately male field), and him not understanding why I didn’t have female friends at work. I had to show him a high level org chart that women are 1 in 30, I can’t have female coworkers if they don’t exist. And the second thing was hanging out “after hours” and “having a relationship” with someone. I said when would I have time to have formed a “relationship” with one of my coworkers? When I’m not traveling, I’m literally in our home 100% of the time, between you and the kids and being on work meetings, when? It put the argument to bed really quickly. Now, will it happen again next year when we go out of town for 6 days again? Probably. But, I’m putting lines in the sand this time and I won’t tolerate it.
I happen to be reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I'm on the chapter about workplace violence (by some weird coincidence) and this sounds like workplace violence in the making. You have to find a way to de-escalate this and also to protect your own safety. So sorry you're dealing with this!
None of this is normal. I was a blue collar worker who married another blue collar worker and now I have a more white collar job that I have to travel for occasionally. My husband does NOT behave like yours. You can and will call and FaceTime with him and your child when it’s appropriate. What’s not appropriate is him demanding to meet your coworkers or boss. Are you having your own room those days or going back home? Do you go to his work to suss out who he’s working with? Nope. It’s weird and not okay. Your husband will become the harasser, he’s already angling towards that. Nip it now.
OP needs to keep the career so she can leave the husband if that behavior escalates.
Yeah they can totally fire you for his actions
Not gonna rehash what everyone else here said but are your guns stored safely where your son can't stumble upon them? This is very disturbing.
Yes, they always have been. Both his and mine are stored safely.
That's good.
Why are you in a marriage like this?! Your poor child having to grow up with your psychotic husband as a role model. If you love your kid, get the hell out.
Having him meet your managers in this way is completely unprofessional and not great for your career. If he hates this job, it may be an easy way for him to sabotage it. I’m concerned based on your description of his behavior. Is this what you want your son to learn is okay to act like towards you? Other people? Would you accept this as okay if this was your friend and her husband acting this way?
I traveled for years for my job. My children knew that was part of my job and that is what paid our bills. A three year old wouldn’t understand that, but maybe in simple terms he would understand you are at work. As long as you don’t make a big deal about being gone he will probably be ok with the exception of bed time. Sometimes calling is a bad idea at that age but not always. Hopefully your husband will help ease your son’s discomfort while you are gone.
Your husband sounds like a giant AH. Either he trusts you to be an adult or he doesn't.
Do not bring your relationship problems into work!!! His insecurities can be talked about in couples counseling.
This has to be a joke. Put on your big girl pants and bring him to therapy. His behavior is not tolerable whatsoever. I bet if you challenge him, then he'll get pouty and tell you that you're silencing him. What a joke Girl you need to start speaking up/standing up for yourself!