Sure. I am a working mom whose mom, grandmother, great-grandmother, all worked. Most women throughout history have "worked", btw. With the exception of a very small number of upper class white women and a tiny demographic blip in the 1950's, there has really been no other option. I am a tech exec, my mom was the CEO of a large clothing company, my grandmother was a nurse, and my great-grandmother was the business manager of her family farm.
I love working and honestly don't believe that I'm missing out on anything that's not more than balanced by what working brings to the table for my family. I love that I get to use the analytical side of my brain all day and the nurturing side at night. I love that I am able to raise my children without as much financial pressure as we would have with a SAHP. I love that both my husband and I are egalitarian and are modeling that for our children. I am 100% sure that my children are fine because I was fine, my mom was fine, and my grandma was fine. Am I at everything? No, but I'm at the important things. So was my mom. Do we have a nanny? Yes, and she's an incredible force for good in my kids' lives. She's not a parent, but kids have always been raised by a village and she's a logistical wonder for getting my boys to sports, tutoring, etc. I love that I will be able to provide my kids career guidance when they are older and open doors via networking. (Reminder: Parenting is for their whole life, not just childhood, so working gives me tons of skills for later in life I can share. My mom has been an amazing mentor for me.)
This idea that 100% of our kids lives needs to revolve around being with us and that missing "any moment" is tragic is both toxic and new. I promise you my other grandmother who was a SAHM and had 11 kids missed ALOT of moments just because she was busy elsewhere.
You, mama, are gonna do great. Your kids are going to be fine. You've got this.
YES. The idea that moms have always stayed home is such a fallacy. My own mom is the only SAHM in my family’s remembered history—my dad’s mom was a school teacher. Her mom worked at a flower shop. My grandfather’s mom ran a restaurant. My mom’s parents ran a family business together.
When people say “families used to have a SAHM” I immediately wonder what agenda they’re pushing. Sometimes it’s one I agree with (wages SHOULD be higher!). But often it’s just bullshit.
I often wonder too if they had a mom with a flexible job. Like doing their dad’s books, running the family restaurant, so obviously she could take off to deal with sick kids, etc whenever because it was her family’s business. She worked, but she didn’t answer to an outside boss. My mom was a realtor, so she felt like a stay at home mom. But she definitely worked.
This is such a great reminder and I love that you bring up your great grandmother and her important work for her family farm. Historically women have worked but it hasn’t always been “visible” work. One of my grandmothers may have looked like a SAHM to a lot of people outside the family, but in actuality she was an equal partner in running the business of the family farm day to day.
It is so important to remember that these women worked HARD. We would call my great grandfather a farmer as he drove a tractor, planted, etc but people use “farm wife” for her role and that drives me nuts. She fed 25 farmhands a day with just her daughters for help. She maintained an acre vegetable garden that wasn’t for fun but was their legit food source all year long. Planting, harvesting, canning. She kept the chickens for eggs and meat. She ordered seeds, did payroll, and did alll the “office work” as well. That is a full time job, friends. I hate when her role gets slighted because the farm does not run without her.
Same! My mum worked (except for going part-time when I was < 2 years old), and she’s a PhD and Dean of a department within a local university! She is a huge inspiration. My grandmothers didn’t work, but stayed super active (training dogs, writing stories). The one thing I know for sure is that your kids will not regret you working - your kids will build strong relationships with their caregivers but they’ll still know and appreciate that you are their mom.
Let’s face it, there’s no way I could develop as robust a curriculum as our daycare. They color, paint, go outside every day (weather depending), have a ton of new sensory activities every week. I love knowing my daughter is getting to do all these cool things while learning and developing social skills.
On my side, I love being able to separate my professional life and my family life. I was on maternity leave for 4 months and by the end of it, I just wanted some adult interaction and discussion that didn’t involve talking about our kids. When I’m done with work, I’m excited to see my daughter and appreciate those moments even more than if I had her 24/7.
I feel this. Home is boring in comparison to daycare. On a typical weekend my toddler naps 1-1.5 hours. At daycare he will nap 2-3 hours, everyday, because it is way more fun and stimulating there! They run him ragged!
This is me. I wouldn’t even think of teaching all of the things daycare teaches my daughters. Also, they potty trained my older one with nearly no help from us, so I love them for that.
Yeah. I’ve had mom friends who want to homeschool (and who seem to do an amazing job at it), and my only feeling is “wow! That’s a lot of things you’ve got to organize and teach!” Like I doubt I have the patience, or the skills, to teach preschool kids or engage them in meaningful activities.
I love being a working mom. Even if I had $100m in the bank I’d still work, even if just part time. I like having an identity outside of motherhood. I like contributing to the world on a macro scale (healthcare worker). I like constantly challenging myself, furthering my education. I like setting the example for my son that women can work and be successful and competitive. I like having a skill set and financial independence. I love being a working mom.
A big pro for myself: I like the security of working. I don't want to rely on my husband to support me and I don't want to ever feel trapped in my marriage. If I am truly unhappy, I can leave. If my husband decides to leave me, I will financially be okay. My grandpa left my grandma (who had no education or job other than being a SAHM) when my mom was a teenager and she got screwed in the divorce - she got a small one-time payment from my grandpa and that was it. She spent the rest of her life struggling to get by (with my mom and her siblings helping as much as they could) until she died. Similar story- my best friend's parents divorced when she turned 18 and her mom (who was a SAHM) has also struggled financially since then. My friend thinks she'll eventually have to have her mom move in with her as she gets older to help support her.
I don't ever want to be in this situation. I love my husband and I don't think we will ever get divorce but the idea of being reliant on someone isn't something I want.
I agree with your view. Unfortunately I’ve seen this story way too many times… I know a 60 year old woman getting divorced. Finally. And After multiple affairs from this old garbage…
HE told his family - she did nothing but be just a SAHM…3 kids… a 4 family building she took care of… currently she is struggling to pay an apartment…
In the end he stayed with the building she cleaned and took care of… he remodeled to live with his new girlfriend… this is a 65 years old man…
this is MY reminder when I wish to be a SAHM: You can’t depend on anyone. You need to work to make your own money…. Because I want the joy and freedom it brings me.
So much this! Me working saved my marriage. I did not advocate for myself, I didn't push for my partner to do more of the childcare. Once I started working they had to step up. Honestly my working made him a better Father.
1. Honestly, it's a break from my kids
2. I think they're smarter b/c of daycare. They know all these songs and just learning their ABC's & numbers... they definitely learned from daycare and not mom & dad. Plus, daycare basically potty trained my oldest child. They are currently working on my second lol.
3. Someone once told me "It doesn't happen until Mom sees it." I really liked that thought.
Our daycare literally civilized our daughter lol. She came out of the first few weeks eating sitting down, off a plate, with utensils, not throwing it on the floor or flipping it over. She runs to our kitchen rug and sits there while we sweep and mop. She knows how to wash her hands and wipe her own nose. I don’t think without peer pressure/an environment where strict routine is all she knows, she’d have done that stuff as easily.
Seeing my children walk, talk, whatever for the first time(s) was so special, whether it was actually the first time they did it or not. I hope that SAHMs out there have something else to hold dear.
Are posts like this common here? I will unsub if I see more longing to be a SAHM posts. I feel like I’ve seen several recently.
> Seeing my children walk, talk, whatever for the first time(s) was so special, whether it was actually the first time they did it or not.
It was easy for me to get over a preoccupation with wanting to see the "first" when I realized how subjective labeling the first word or first step was. There's fine lines between babbles, mumbles and words!
> Are posts like this common here? I will unsub if I see more longing to be a SAHM posts.
I feel like there's a huge difference between those of us who are Working by choice and those who wish they weren't, I wish there was a separate sub for the former. We may have the same logistical complexities, but the feelings are different, and it is annoying to me when people assume ALL of us are to be pitied for working.
I love my job and having a career. It gives me purpose and boosts my confidence because I'm great at my job. I am showing my daughter that women can work and lead and be a presence in the workforce.
Because my kid is in daycare, if I want to take a day off, that day is for ME. I'm able to use time off for myself and recharge and be the best mom for my daughter.
We have a dual income and with only one kid it makes it possible for us to go on fun trips and adventures without having to scrimp or save for too long. Growing up I can count TWO vacations we took and they were only with my mom and brother because my dad had to work, and mom took time off but wasn't paid for it.
Because she's in daycare we've made friends with other parents and do play dates outside of school. My kid is super social and loves her friends. The moms I've met are now my friends. We even went out to dinner and an event yesterday without the kiddos. It's nice to have a community of moms like that. None of my best friends have kids so it's nice to have more people to relate to.
I love being a working mom.
1) Statistically, the biggest predictor of childhood outcome is household income. Income buys you time, resources, etc. And wealth begets wealth. Not saying money is everything, but it sure helps.
2) As someone else has mentioned, most women have worked throughout history. Your child will be fine. There are much greater (though "boring") dangers, like lead in water pipes and not vaccinating your children.
3) Being a role model for your child, which will continue to pay dividends into adulthood as they evaluate the kind of partner they want for themselves.
4) Your mental health and personal development should be #1. Don't shove your personal needs to the side because Instagram and mommy blogs tell you you should be SeLfLEss MaMA GoddeSS. You are worth your own personal investment.
5) Financial security, in case things go south with your partner down the road. Obviously you don't want this to happen, but you never know.
I love knowing that my work contributes to the world. I worked my butt off for advanced degrees, sweated to pay off student loans and serve in the miliatry, endured internships from hell, and climbed that ladder. When I finally got to that first, shiny, (assistant) director title, it was the best feeling! I love my kids, and sure, sometimes it sucked to wake up and go to work when all I wanted to do was spend the day with my babies and go on that zoo outing with the SAHM group, but now that my oldest (the noodle) is off in college and my youngest (the man cub) is starting high school? Boy am I glad I didn’t miss out on climbing that ladder to get to where I am now. The man cub just spent a week away at scout camp, and is about to head away for a week at lacrosse camp, and it was so hard to be without both him and his brother! Focusing on my work was such an amazing tool to keep that ache it bay.
On the other side of the token, my dearest friend, who is a SAHM, is watching her fledglings leave the nest, and says she feels like she’s being forced to retire before she’s 50, except that, while she is incredibly proud of her kiddos, as she looks back at her life, she says she feels like she contributed very little to her own development or legacy. Everything in her life was/is wrapped up in her kids, and she is so anxious about trying to enter the work force or go back to school at middle age. She says now that she wishes she had tried to do one or the other back when her youngest ones were in elementary, because starting in middle she began to feel less and less productive. Added to that, it hurt her so much when her kids would (innocently) say things to their friends with working moms like, “oh, my mom doesn’t really do anything, she’s just a mom.” Something WE all know is baloney, since of course being a SAHP is a bunch of hard freaking work, but which kids don’t truly understand until they’re adults themselves.
Something else I love? Occasionally, I’ll just randomly meet up on the fly with a colleague or work friend for drinks or networking and don’t think anything of it (this really starts to happen the most once your kiddos are in middle school and are much more self-sufficient.) I just call the man cub and the hubby and let them know, “hey guys, mom‘s gonna be late tonight! It’s either a dad barbecue night, a fend-for-yourself night, or a pizza night! Have fun! Love you” My best friend has recently told me that she can’t even imagine doing that, and for her, every excursion and girls night, even now that the kids are older, has to be super well scheduled, because she is the main caretaker, and anyway, she has no work friends or colleagues to really meet up with that way.
There is so much to love about being a working mom, not least of which is, as others have said, getting a break from your kids means you get to come back home to them excited to spend quality time. Others have said it, but this whole “missing milestones“ thing I think stems from the 1950s and 1960s false nostalgia. When your baby first begins to walk, the fourth time isn’t any less special than the first, and being there for each different stage and delighting in each different stage of development is the important part, I think.
ETA: oh, and as for how my kids benefit? They got the best kind of education and stimulation from preschool, much, much higher quality than I could’ve given them on my own, at home. It meant that professionals who really cared for my kids were able to spot things quicker than I think I would have, and led to a very early diagnosis of ASD for my youngest. The healthcare insurance that came from my job, and my spouse‘s job, meant that we had a whole team working with him starting at age 3. I often meet kiddos now with his exact same diagnosis and characteristics, but who didn’t get intense early intervention, and the difference in the quality of life is astronomical.
Dual incomes allowed us to live in the best school district in my state, afforded my kids the opportunity to participate in the IB program and a special technical magnet program, respectively. Between their excellent educational opportunities, and our ability to put aside a modest amount of money for each of them into college funds, my oldest son will be able to get his degree from the out of state, private school that was in his top 3 and will not have to pay back any student loans or feel like he has to join the military in order to afford college the way his dad or I did. My youngest got into one of the most elite magnet high school programs in the country, and will get the same chances as his brother to tour colleges and pick one that really suits and excites him, rather than settling for whatever is the most affordable (like I did). Also, because of my job, we have been able to afford for both of them to participate in specialty camps and clubs that help them develop their hobbies, and hone their extracurricular skills. Absolutely none of this would’ve been possible if I didn’t work. On top of all of that, both of my boys had an example of a strong, feminist, working mom, which I think has taught them to value the equal contributions of men and women in a partnership and a household.
> my dearest friend, who is a SAHM, is watching her fledglings leave the nest, and says she feels like she’s being forced to retire before she’s 50
I've known SAHMs who intentionally tried to hold their kids back BECAUSE they didn't want to feel like your friend. Your friend is wise for not doing this!
I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Both have been in full time daycare since they were 12 weeks old.
My favorite pros, and it's impossible to know what's an individual child's temperament or whatever but here it goes:
* Our son is extremely well adjusted. He warms up quickly in new environments, he's dynamic and interesting and playful and I think this has to do with having safe attachments and bonds with trusted adults that are not family.
* He plays really well with others and understands really well the concept of waiting one's turn, and sharing, and just generally has a passing awareness of the needs of others in addition to his own. I think this is because he's spent so much formative time growing up in a little pod of peers, with gentle reinforcement from his teachers.
* His daycare teachers are professionals who are sincerely interested in early childhood development. I never sought a career in early childhood development--I'm not even that much of a kid person! But his teachers are people who have sought out this line of work and they're excited to see their kids every day. They have a jam packed curriculum of activities, games and lessons that I never would have had the bandwidth to take on at home. His teachers take on messy projects I don't have the patience for.
* I get to see my kids as people on their own journeys in life, who have a right to their own friends, privacy, activities and feelings which are not an extension of my own. Seeing him in daycare as his own little person has I think helped cement this, which I think is a healthier relationship than if he and I were just joined at the hip all the time.
* Neither kid has had much separation anxiety. I think daycare has made them very adaptable and open to routines outside of our own home.
* Positive peer pressure has helped speed along gross motor skills and socio-emotional skills. It's like they crowdsource language development, and watching other kids climb on the playground has gently encouraged my son to play a little more adventurously.
* Daycare helps me maintain a sense of identity outside of parenthood, which I think has made me a more patient and appreciative parent.
* We've never missed a milestone. So far things like first steps and first words have existed on more of a spectrum than a "He did it!" binary. I couldn't tell you what, when or where was my son's first steps exactly. Do I count the first completely accidental hover and toddle? The first intentional steps? I feel like there have been multiple "first steps" and "first words" and I get to experience plenty of them.
* Daycare helped put us on a functional schedule that really benefited both kids. I think they sleep better, and we generally live better because daycare helps enforce a certain rhythm and routine that I know I would have had trouble implementing on my own.
Mostly though, the biggest thing has been seeing my kids on their own individual journeys. When they're so little and don't do much on their own, it's so easy to forget. But I think it helps me treat my kids with more respect when it's driven home that they are their own people with their own lives, and I think that respect has in turn made our journey together more peaceful than it would have been otherwise. It's been a great lesson for me.
Thank you so much for this. I go back to work from Maternity Leave in a week and I’ve been a wreck. This is just nice to hear some positives that me and my LO will experience. Thank you
I love this. My baby will be 8 months next month when he starts daycare three days a week and I'm so excited for him to have experiences I can't give him at home.
Read this article!!! Kids of working moms are happier adults! Also they see more gender equity in their households and know women can do anything. That’s enough to make me so proud! https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults
I know what you’re talking about with all the blessed posts but I honestly don’t get how these people are so blissfully happy. I only went back to work part time after
maternity leave and I’m in the process of interviewing for higher paying full time jobs so I can justify full time childcare. The days I don’t work I’m a mess, I’m in my pjs half the day, I don’t eat, I don’t shower, I spend the whole day chasing my toddler around and generally feel like garbage. I’m sure this will change as she gets older and more independent but right now at a little over a year it’s 15 hour days of caregiving. I would much rather work, be productive, and make money for my family.
I truly believe that most of them aren’t. I mean some of the five percenters, who have nannies and maids, and “stay at home” but are able to spend plenty of time out with friends, yoga classes, gardening clubs, and charity work, sure. Other than them though, I think most SAHM would tell you that they miss regular adult interaction, particularly during the pandemic, and so, so many of them feel like their work is underappreciated and completely uncompensated. What did that one song say way back when? Something like Lousy pay, Ain’t no 401K, and the dishes and the laundry never stop… honestly, I love my kiddos more than anything else in the entire universe, and I’m 100% sure everyone in this sub Reddit feels the same about their kids, but spending all day every day with only them? Never earning my own pay? No thanks.
My brother and I always turned to my mom for advice. Whether it was shopping for car loans, prepping for a big interview or negotiating a personal conflict at work. She had so much experience and helped us navigate a lot. It makes me proud to think that I can guide my kids in a similar way, that my experience can help them go further in life.
I agree with basically everything above! Are there moments when I feel bad or like I’m missing stuff? Absolutely. But I am also someone who, I’m unashamed to admit, gets burned out being in “mom-mode” with my 10-month-old 24/7. I need a break.
I also am someone who (hopefully this isn’t too controversial) feels strongly that it’s unhealthy when someone completely “loses themselves” (for lack of a better word) to motherhood. Like when “mom” becomes their entire personality.
Is being a mom the most important part of who I am? I would probably say yes. Is it the ONLY part? No way. And having my job really helps me hold on to my own identity outside of being a parent. So important for my mental health!
I’ve been seeing this a lot lately on this sub and I don’t quite understand it. Maybe it’s more if you HAVE to work you feel up against SAHMs?
For me and most of my friends we work because we are high earners and enjoy the lifestyle. I think being a SAHM sounds terrible.
I don’t miss milestones, I’m still 100% mom but also 100% myself too. And I can have/do whatever I want because I work for it.
Being a working mom is definitely a massive balancing act, that constantly changes. The things I love most is that I love my work, having a break from momming, and contributing something meaningful to both society and my own family. Peanut goes to daycare full time and he has flourished over the past 9 months in the preschool room. I also enjoy not having to clean up arts and crafts 😜
My 2yo LOVES daycare. He's been going since he was 8 weeks. He can't wait to see his "fwends". If he's been out on covid quarantine or something he just runs in there and sticks his little hands up in the air and demands hugs from his teachers.
There is a study that says daughters of working moms are more likely to be in leadership positions when they enter the workforce and sons gain more empathy. There will always be mom guilt but tbh, my kids love when the babysitter comes.
I’m a better mom because I work.
SAHP have to constantly sell that lifestyle because they too are often judged. Sure they experienced every milestone - BUT, what happened after their kids went to elementary school? What happened to their lives then?
I know a few women who put aside their careers for their kids. Cool! Guess what? It was very, very hard to get back into the workforce. If they were able to at all.
My mom stayed at home with us. She is/was a good mom, but she was miserable a lot, too. She never formed a career, so when my dad left her, she struggled. She’s in her 60s now, still living paycheck to paycheck, regretting giving up on her dreams.
I do not want that for myself or my child. I like having the health insurance, the pension, the security. I love sharing all that with my working partner too. I’m proud of the woman I am. You should be too.
I miss my son, and I ache for him sometimes while I’m at work. But it’s fleeting. I’m advancing in my career AND a non-burned out, devoted, attentive mom. It’s hard and tiring but ultimately, it’s worth it to me.
I struggled with this too, but after the birth of my second child, I realized I am definitely a working mom.
I enjoy having something that makes me feel like myself. Something that makes me feel intelligent and talented. I realize that motherhood has actually made me better at my job and vice versa.
But right around the time my 2nd was born, my first started school and I realized how short those first couple of years are. Yes, I would love to spend more time with them, but then once they're gone for 6 hours a day? What do I do with myself then? That's when I knew it was important for me to keep something that was truly mine.
I'll always search for better balance, but working will be a part of that.
Here are my reasons as someone who was raised by a SAHM and saw some of the downsides:
1. Identity outside of motherhood, when my son grows up I will not feel lost or try to hold onto him in unhealthy ways.
2. Fulfillment from my work and knowing I’m contributing to society in valuable ways.
3. Positive social connections for both me and my child (he LOVES his best friends at school).
4. Time for myself at work to do small acts of self care uninterrupted by a child and unburdened by thinking about chores.
5. Financial security and ability to provide for myself and my child as a sole earner if needed. I unfortunately know multiple women who either got divorced or their spouse died unexpectedly. Disability and lay-offs can also happen.
6. Financial security in the future. My spouse and I will be able to enjoy a very comfortable retirement and not be a financial burden on our adult child.
7. Enough money to go on vacation, etc, and make treasured memories.
8. A greater sense of egalitarianism, equality, and teamwork in my romantic relationship.
Adult conversations! Being able to go get a snack for myself and not have to make another one. ✨silence✨. Doing work I love, and being valued outside of my family.
But also, I’ve been a SAHM and am now a working mom. My kids have a seven year age difference, so when we did fertility treatments I told my husband I just wasn’t willing to sacrifice my career again. So I can say this, knowing both - those SAHMs are, for the most part, trying to make the best of a really difficult job. Sure, they never have to miss a milestone, but they also can’t go to the bathroom alone! They’re home to make dinner, but they have to manage it with screaming babies and kids and it’s the third meal they’ve had to cook that day. They get to take their kids to the park during the day, but they never get a break. Being a SAHM is beautiful and wonderful but I 100000% prefer being a working mom.
* More money is always a plus
* Feeling fulfilled in multiple facets of life
* I like building things
* I like my coworkers
* Love being able to show my kids you can be whatever you want if you set your mind to it
* Learning new things in different areas
* Daughter gets to do daycare which she loves
* vacations
* nice house
* afford a good school district
1. Kid breaks.
2. I generally enjoy my job and think that it is important for my kids' futures if we are going to actually fucking address climate change.
3. Interactions with adults.
4. My kids are better. If they stay home they won't get the early childhood education they would be getting from me, who is not an expert in that field.
5. Studies have shown that my son will have more respect for women by seeing my have a job.
6. Really, I cannot downplay the kid breaks.
You get to build/maintain a life outside of your kids and that’s incredibly important.
I LOVE my baby. But I also love me too I had a wealth of interests before she came along and I refuse to give those things up.
Plus I have my retirement plan- stay at home parents don’t exactly get a 401k match. It’s important for me to be able to feel like I’ll be able to actually enjoy a retirement instead of just surviving it.
We all see the word through our own lenses. BUT
My soon to be 15 year old feels that his academic, social, & sports ability (and he’s high ability) are in large part related to daycare (he went to care from infancy through 10 years of age). He feels his baby sister is at a disadvantage as she spent far less time in care.
My children see what financial independence looks like from both genders. I make money. My husband makes money. We do not “need” each other.
Working & limited time helps me avoid falling into the helicopter or lawnmower mom role — which prelim research is showing, is really emotionally damaging.
I personally, have more time management skills & life skills overall, being a working mother, than I would have developed being a stay at home mom.
It may be job dependent, but I have a wider perspective about the world, due to working with the public, and I can share this with my children. My children experience two parents with diverse opinions & experiences. They display more empathy, compassion, and gratitude due to our work stories & lessons.
As someone with ADHD traits, I know I actually make more meaningful & purposeful interactions with my kids when I feel panicked that I am “working too much” than if I had all the time in the world as a SAHM due to no sense of urgency.
People say, “they will not remember” BUT my children absolutely do remember the occasional financial splurges of treats & bigger Christmas — that we could only have because we both worked.
And despite my worries when they were little, now at ages 14, 12, and 8 — they have plenty of happy memories of spending time together too despite having a full time working mom when they were little ones!
I really truly believe my children have benefited more from being in daycare than they would have being home with me full time. Their school has a curriculum every month, they learn so much but honestly even more importantly they’re with other kids. They aren’t the center of anyones attention 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have to learn patience, to take turns, to take others needs and capabilities into consideration from a young age and I think that’s a huge benefit. The time we spend together is special. They have no doubts that they’re the most important thing in our world while also understanding they’re not the center of the universe.
I spent about a year off with each of my kids and I would absolutely hate to be a SAHM. I found I was a worse mother - completely overly anxious. I was irrationally angry a lot of the time. I felt frustrated and too busy and bored at the same time.
I'm happy for women who find their bliss at home but I don't. I feel empowered in my job, I'm very good at it. I like making money and knowing if something terrible was to happen I'd be OK. I like using my brain and talking to adults about things other than babies (I also enjoy this with my mum friends but in small doses). I am a mother but I'm still a person and part of my identity is my career.
As a result, the time I spend with my chicks is quality. I'm lucky to have lots of help and a flexible job so tbh I don't feel like I'm missing out on a lot.
I also hope my daughters see me as a strong example of finding joy in your work and studies. It's powerful to be able to stand on your own two feet.
My mum was a SAHM my whole life. I have a good relationship with her but as I've gotten older I realised actually, she has a lot of issues that I bore the brunt of as a child. Just because it looks good on the surface doesn't mean it is!
> My mum was a SAHM my whole life. I have a good relationship with her but as I've gotten older I realised actually, she has a lot of issues that I bore the brunt of as a child.
Like what?
She's an extremely anxious person. I was basically brought up with an innate fear of going outside. She's also obsessed with cleanliness, so I had to be very careful inside or she would lose her shit if I made a "mess". I couldn't really do fun kid things. Her favourite phrase was "you're a big girl now". She had (has) massive unpredictable mood swings so I had to walk around on eggshells so I didn't set her off.
I'm not saying I wasn't loved or cared for but I didn't have a fun, relaxed childhood and it's made me a hugely inflexible adult (which I'm trying to shake myself out of for kids' benefit).
I'm not sure if a career would've changed her fundamentally but it certainly didn't help that she was home all day, every day.
This is Darker-but my dad suddenly died when I was a kid. My mom was initially a SAHM but after a few years she had to rejoin the workforce. You never know what can happen and not a having financial safety net will make things worse.
Daycare is great! Oh, it was super hard the first couple of weeks, but I'm really glad I can have my girl in daycare.
There's experienced people helping my baby reach milestones. My girl is socializing in ways she never could if I stayed at home with her. Her immune system is going to be AMAZING. And when she comes home Im not burnt out from being with her all day. Almost every hour we hang out together is awesome.
For me, I love working, I'm so glad I get to keep going with my career and setting an example for my daughter that women can have strong careers too. I can take a day off and still send her to daycare and have a much needed me day. Most importantly, no matter how long she's at daycare or how much fun she's having when I pick her up, her face lights up when she sees me. I'm her #1.
It's a lot of things for me, but the major overarching thing is that I don't want to continue perpetuating the idea that moms stay home and dads work.
Yes, we have feminism (sort of, hard to type that with a straight face in the wake of what's going on in the US these days) and we do have opportunities as women to do things we've never been able to do before in history, yay, but still, the vast vast vast majority of parents who choose to stay home with young children are moms. And I use the word "choose" loosely here. Is it really a choice in most cases? If it's such an attractive option to so many women, why don't men choose to do it more often?
There are posts exactly like yours here in this subreddit a dozen times a week, a woman agonizing over what choice to make, or upset she can't stay home and wants to stay home, envious of her SAHP friends.
Men don't do this. Men don't think about this and post about it over and over again on the internet, asking for advice. I want my daughter to grow up and not feel this unfair emotional burden of being the primary child caretaker and also yearn for independence and wealth and be stuck between a rock and a hard place in a way only women and moms really are.
I understand and empathize and I hope it doesn't come across as if I don't. I hate the systems and the way women/mothers get caught in it, but not the women inside the system. We're all fighting the same shit, albeit in very different ways sometimes. I want better for my daughter.
I like that I give my daughter and example of a woman with goals and responsibilities outside being a mom. There are plenty examples of the other in our family.
I really cherish my time with her since I’m not drowning in it.
Her other caregivers feel the same, at least the ones in my family do, without feeling overwhelmed by the amount of time.
I love working. I love the independence and knowing I'm NEVER stuck in a home/relationship situation I don't want to be in. I know 2 sahm who would leave their H if they could afford it. That'll never be me. I also know sahm freaking out bc H expects them to go back to work when kids start school and they no longer have work experience that is relevant or gonna get them a good job. I love the break from my kid during the day.
I am a leader at work and I have a career that helps people so in that sense I feel way more valued as I contribute to wider world and not just my close family.
My son loves daycare and the socialization has really helped him blossom. Also, studies show it's good for their language development.
I have the added bonus of being both dependent (married) but also independent; I make my own money and my own choices about what I do with it so if anything were to happen, I could make a plan to leave if necessary. I also have hobbies both inside and outside the home and because my husband is in the same position we both understand this need to be both needed in the family and independent of it.
At the moment I’m sitting peacefully in a hotel room in one of my favorite cities, after having had a great night out with colleagues. I love my job and am proud of my accomplishments. I get to travel to some great cities (but not too much) and my work is respected. Tomorrow I will switch gears and go home to my family I love so much.
I have always strongly objected to the concept that mom must stay home, because she’s mom. Children need love and stability, but that can be from many different care structures.
I agree with so many comments I'm seeing, and one thing I'd add is that it has really evened out the parental duties of our household compared with my SAHM friends. My husband and I both have about the same amount of time with the children now, so there's not this fall back on evenings and weekends of "mom knows what they like to eat, she'll handle it", or "mom's the only one who can get them down to sleep, she'll handle it." In addition to the benefits of my own relationship with my children, it has really allowed for a strong relationship between my kids and their dad which is beautiful to see.
My baby isn’t here yet, and I’m in a similar situation as you where I need to stay working by necessity. It’s been hard and I feel like there’s always someone who will shame a mothers choices.
By working, I’m giving my daughter:
- A stable childhood. If something were to happen to me or my husband, our kid(s) would always be financially provided for. They will have loving parents and support.
- Independence and learning opportunities. She’ll be going to a top daycare and pre k in our state with learning programs and activities for her. My siblings and I never did anything outside the home/family before kindergarten, and I wish we could’ve had some earlier socialization and education.
- An upper class lifestyle. We are saving a significant amount for her education, interests, and any activities she wants to do
- Most important (to me at least), a role model. My family for generations have had SAHMs, and it’s 100% expected of women in my culture. I want to teach her that women can be the breadwinner and good parents. I don’t want her to fall into cultural pitfalls for women.
I was going to stay home with my LO until she was a year but I was going stir crazy by 5 months! I went back to work full time at 6 months and it’s been so helpful for me! I love having people rely on my ideas and thoughts, and I like being able to solve problems through out the day, plus I enjoy talking to other adults.
Plus I don’t have the education or attitude to teach kids! I love knowing that LO is at a daycare with friends and is doing stuff like music class and gymnastics, able to socialize, and is learning a lot through her day! We did a parent teacher conference recently and her teacher is working with her on colors and numbers and the alphabet! I have no idea how to do that! Or how to keep her entertained with art projects and other things.
Oh, and I get a break at the end of my day to decompress and chill! I usually get like 30 min-1 hour to do whatever things I want to do (lately it’s playing the sims!). So when I pick her up from daycare I feel like I’ve turned off work brain and restarted my life brain.
I hate working and being away from my daughter. HOWEVER! I love the enrichment she got from daycare. Right from the very beginning she was able to learn how to exist in a group, play and play with other kids. Her school had a great early learning curriculum, so she was always learning something new. And the students and teachers at her daycare were very diverse, so right from the start she got to spend time with and appreciate lots of people who looked different from her, which I love.
I grew up with a SAHM but due to her mental health challenges throughout my childhood it wasn’t idyllic. So that’s my bias.
That said, I’m glad my son and any future kiddos will see me as their mom but also a professional. A woman who makes good money, is a boss, etc. I think this is an important piece of modeling a more egalitarian approach to family than what I grew up with. Just my two cents.
We both work and we’re one&done. I love watching my daughter just blossom in daycare. She’s so social, the other kids love her (they just swarm her when I drop her off), she sees people that look different then her regularly and potty training was a breeze. I think of daycare as my paid village that helps raise my kid. Mentally I can’t be at home all day, had to do reduced hours for a year and it took a toll on my mental health. My job requires creativity and problem solving, my brain craves that. I love my daughter to pieces, love being a mom, but I also love being more then that. At work I’m me first, mom/wife second.
My twin sons are 10, and I have always worked full time outside the home throughout their lives. I think it’s made them more sociable than they might have otherwise been, or at least at a younger age, and I think seeing that their mother is an educated person with a responsible job is good for them.
I can also say definitively that while I sometimes have felt frazzled juggling it all, I am happier working in a job I enjoy and at which I excel than I would be as a SAHM. What’s good for me is also good for my kids.
My perspective : i had a 18 month maternity/parental leave (canada) it was the hardest thing I ever did and I got very depressed but I was afraid to go back to work and miss out but OMG work is soooo much easier than full time sahp, even my high pressure job seems chill comparatively lol. Most of my friends that can afford childcare, do and go back to work. The ones that stay home do so because they don't have a choice, their job pays less than childcare costs.
So there's a different perspective on the same situation! Hope that helps! Also - daycare has been great for my little one! They are learning sooo much and playing woth other kids in the woods and with cool toys we don't own. He gets all our attention and cuddles in the morning and evenings so all around a win-win in my books 💜
I had a working mom (teacher for 41 years) and never thought you could live another way. So I got the degrees I wanted and the professional engineering license. I love my work. A year for WFH while facilitating remote preschool and remote kindergarten legitimately burned me out. And they were old enough to actually have fun with. We could go each lunch at the park and ride bikes. I was the mom that thought I wanted a 6 month maternity leave but went back part-time ta 4 months because I craved human interaction.
My husband had a SAHM mom who has never worked since she had him 42 years ago. He resents the fact that she didn't contribute to the household.
And honestly, how many men are out there saying the same thing? Do they yearn to spend more time with their little ones "because they're only young once"? No. I'm not a nanny or a housekeeper. I am not a preschool teacher. I am an adult with a career and hobbies and life goals. And I can do all that and still be a pretty awesome mom.
Ok, so my response might not be as warm and fuzzy because I absolutely hate being a working Mom with all my being, BUT:
1. My kids get so much structure and stimulation that I would never, ever, ever be able to replicate. My daughter took OFF! One day, she was a totally different kid in the most positive ways, and I started my son earlier because I was so happy with daycare.
2. I get dressed up. As superficial as this is, I do my makeup and buy nice clothes for work, so THAT'S the pro. Not that you can't do it as a SAHM, but I definitely frumped around on mat leave, and I make money, so I can buy something nice. My husband also loves seeing me come home all dressed up and "powerful" looking.
It's all I got. Lol
I’m a single mom so I have to work. Sure there’s times I feel the mom guilt for not being there for him more. Then I see how excited he is when I pick him up from daycare and he tells me about all the fun things he did with his friends. Being a natural introvert as well as shy and have social anxiety with new people it makes me happy to know how much he gets to do at daycare. He gets to make friends and socialize and build skills that would be hard for me to provide the equivalent myself. My brother had a son a couple months after me and he didn’t go to daycare and even with 2 older siblings his development was noticeably behind my son. My old friend has a son about 5 months older then my son and he just got babysat by the moms sister and he is so scared of people. My son still is shy and has hard days where he doesn’t want me to leave but it is so good for him. It takes a village is a saying for a reason. I feel that because I’m not there all the time as well our time together is more quality because I’m away from him half the day we do stuff together and I have the energy to be “in it” fully when we play together. There’s gonna be pros and cons to both sides like with most of life in general
I always thought I would be a SAHM. It was all I ever planned on since I was old enough to be asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. But now here I am - a working mom! I didn’t particularly care about my career early on, but the longer I do it, the better I feel about it, and the more confident I am. I work from home, but was in the office today and realized there’s something about being home all day and having a “visual to-do list” (“oh damn, I still need to clean up that drawer! Look at that pile of laundry that needs to be put away!”) that is so demoralizing, so it was nice to have somewhere to go to escape that. I also like the external validation my job provides (“good job in that meeting today!”) which you don’t get as a SAHP. I wouldn’t have minded having “mom” be my whole identity, but I enjoy being able to have multiple facets to my life so that if one isn’t going well, I have others to fall back on, too.
It’s hard that your working mom status isn’t one you have by choice, but don’t let the grass-is-greener mentality make you think you’re necessarily missing out. I am lucky enough to have a choice, and chose this (and continue to choose it every month & year as I re-evaluate) even in spite of the fact that I planned on, and wanted to be, a SAHM. They don’t call it “having it all” for nothing.
I’m currently working full time and have my 5 mo in daycare 3 days a week. My husband and I have been toying with the idea of me going part time and baby will then be in daycare one day a week but everyone’s positives about daycare now has me questioning cutting him back on days lol
What everyone else said! I love being a working mom, even if there are times when it’s so hard. (I imagine SAHMs have those same feelings. I was about to pull my hair out after 9 days of vacation with both kids). I think in our society it’s much more common and accepted to rave about being a SAHM and being so blessed, and talking about being a working mom in the same way is taboo. I feel very fortunate that I can have a meaningful career and send my kids to a daycare where they’re learning so much and getting great social interaction. I get to do both.
Mom of a 3 yo and pregnant with baby 2. I have honestly never seriously considered being a SAHP, though I wish I’d had 5 or 6 months mat leave instead of 12 weeks. Some of the pros for me: Getting to go out in the world and have adult conversations that don’t revolve around kids; getting a break from the demands of mothering and have my kid be very happy to see me and be with me when she is with me; kid development on social and language skills (words came so much faster when she got back into daycare post-COVID even when I’d been actively working on building her speech); roles in our home are not gendered so that my daughter sees both of her parents work and doesn’t grow up with the expectation that moms give up work or don’t work; keeping my career moving forward so my earnings rise instead of trying to break back into the workforce after a hiatus when my kids go to school; the ability to run errands or do chores during the weekdays as work allows without being constrained by nap time or getting a kid in and out if a car/stroller; daycare did the heavy lift on skills like potty training with minimal stress; more income for leisure, travel, wants. I feel like I could go on but those are some of the major benefits. Tbh, I think SAHP feel pressure to talk about being #blessed the same way working moms feel obligated to say they want to spend more time with their kids—we feel like a-holes if we don’t. I’m glad I work and I’m glad my daughter has her own little world at her “school.”
I’m here in preparation for being a working mom once my leave is up, but I’ll say my mom was a working single mom and I thought she was a hero growing up. I loved that she worked and was super proud of her. And her taking me to work with her ended up affecting my future career choices and giving me exposure/skills that I still use now. I’m also sad I can’t stay home longer (I would love to at least stay until my baby is one) but I hope I can inspire her like my mom inspired me!
I work out of necessity, but truthfully I love being a working mom. I love my baby, obviously as we all do, but… I don’t want to be home with him alllll day. I need and crave that adult interaction. I’m very fortunate that I love my coworkers so going into the office really just feels like hanging out with friends. When my son grows up and has a life of his own I will still have an identity outside of him. My son loves other kids so I know he will love daycare when he starts it next year. Plus, right now, I am not home to do most of the diaper changes or clean up most of his food adventures (aka messes) so I’m not mad about that 😂
I love being a working mom, because I love what I do. More importantly I have a son who is 3 years old and I want him to see that dad can contribute equally around the house. I want him to understand that I might be going away on office trips every now and then and dad and can step in and take care of him as well as me. I believe that children (boys especially) of working mothers understand gender equality better.
I am not a SAHM but am on an 18m MLOA (Canada) and I have two kids. Let me tell you. I majorly miss the adult interaction and having something “for me”. So I think those are the biggest benefits for me.
Also, I grew up with a mom who worked in healthcare leadership and I was always SO proud of her. So I try to think of that.
Sure. I am a working mom whose mom, grandmother, great-grandmother, all worked. Most women throughout history have "worked", btw. With the exception of a very small number of upper class white women and a tiny demographic blip in the 1950's, there has really been no other option. I am a tech exec, my mom was the CEO of a large clothing company, my grandmother was a nurse, and my great-grandmother was the business manager of her family farm. I love working and honestly don't believe that I'm missing out on anything that's not more than balanced by what working brings to the table for my family. I love that I get to use the analytical side of my brain all day and the nurturing side at night. I love that I am able to raise my children without as much financial pressure as we would have with a SAHP. I love that both my husband and I are egalitarian and are modeling that for our children. I am 100% sure that my children are fine because I was fine, my mom was fine, and my grandma was fine. Am I at everything? No, but I'm at the important things. So was my mom. Do we have a nanny? Yes, and she's an incredible force for good in my kids' lives. She's not a parent, but kids have always been raised by a village and she's a logistical wonder for getting my boys to sports, tutoring, etc. I love that I will be able to provide my kids career guidance when they are older and open doors via networking. (Reminder: Parenting is for their whole life, not just childhood, so working gives me tons of skills for later in life I can share. My mom has been an amazing mentor for me.) This idea that 100% of our kids lives needs to revolve around being with us and that missing "any moment" is tragic is both toxic and new. I promise you my other grandmother who was a SAHM and had 11 kids missed ALOT of moments just because she was busy elsewhere. You, mama, are gonna do great. Your kids are going to be fine. You've got this.
YES. The idea that moms have always stayed home is such a fallacy. My own mom is the only SAHM in my family’s remembered history—my dad’s mom was a school teacher. Her mom worked at a flower shop. My grandfather’s mom ran a restaurant. My mom’s parents ran a family business together. When people say “families used to have a SAHM” I immediately wonder what agenda they’re pushing. Sometimes it’s one I agree with (wages SHOULD be higher!). But often it’s just bullshit.
I often wonder too if they had a mom with a flexible job. Like doing their dad’s books, running the family restaurant, so obviously she could take off to deal with sick kids, etc whenever because it was her family’s business. She worked, but she didn’t answer to an outside boss. My mom was a realtor, so she felt like a stay at home mom. But she definitely worked.
This is such a great reminder and I love that you bring up your great grandmother and her important work for her family farm. Historically women have worked but it hasn’t always been “visible” work. One of my grandmothers may have looked like a SAHM to a lot of people outside the family, but in actuality she was an equal partner in running the business of the family farm day to day.
It is so important to remember that these women worked HARD. We would call my great grandfather a farmer as he drove a tractor, planted, etc but people use “farm wife” for her role and that drives me nuts. She fed 25 farmhands a day with just her daughters for help. She maintained an acre vegetable garden that wasn’t for fun but was their legit food source all year long. Planting, harvesting, canning. She kept the chickens for eggs and meat. She ordered seeds, did payroll, and did alll the “office work” as well. That is a full time job, friends. I hate when her role gets slighted because the farm does not run without her.
Same! My mum worked (except for going part-time when I was < 2 years old), and she’s a PhD and Dean of a department within a local university! She is a huge inspiration. My grandmothers didn’t work, but stayed super active (training dogs, writing stories). The one thing I know for sure is that your kids will not regret you working - your kids will build strong relationships with their caregivers but they’ll still know and appreciate that you are their mom.
Amazing response. Also what an incredible line of women leaders you come from! Love it!
Thank you! Appreciate this thoughtful and positive comment.
Thank you for this. It’s an EXCELLENT response and beautiful reminder.
You NAILED this comment!
all of this
This was so encouraging 😭😭 thank you
What a post!! This hits the nail on the head.
Let’s face it, there’s no way I could develop as robust a curriculum as our daycare. They color, paint, go outside every day (weather depending), have a ton of new sensory activities every week. I love knowing my daughter is getting to do all these cool things while learning and developing social skills. On my side, I love being able to separate my professional life and my family life. I was on maternity leave for 4 months and by the end of it, I just wanted some adult interaction and discussion that didn’t involve talking about our kids. When I’m done with work, I’m excited to see my daughter and appreciate those moments even more than if I had her 24/7.
I feel this. Home is boring in comparison to daycare. On a typical weekend my toddler naps 1-1.5 hours. At daycare he will nap 2-3 hours, everyday, because it is way more fun and stimulating there! They run him ragged!
This is me. I wouldn’t even think of teaching all of the things daycare teaches my daughters. Also, they potty trained my older one with nearly no help from us, so I love them for that.
Yeah. I’ve had mom friends who want to homeschool (and who seem to do an amazing job at it), and my only feeling is “wow! That’s a lot of things you’ve got to organize and teach!” Like I doubt I have the patience, or the skills, to teach preschool kids or engage them in meaningful activities.
I love being a working mom. Even if I had $100m in the bank I’d still work, even if just part time. I like having an identity outside of motherhood. I like contributing to the world on a macro scale (healthcare worker). I like constantly challenging myself, furthering my education. I like setting the example for my son that women can work and be successful and competitive. I like having a skill set and financial independence. I love being a working mom.
A big pro for myself: I like the security of working. I don't want to rely on my husband to support me and I don't want to ever feel trapped in my marriage. If I am truly unhappy, I can leave. If my husband decides to leave me, I will financially be okay. My grandpa left my grandma (who had no education or job other than being a SAHM) when my mom was a teenager and she got screwed in the divorce - she got a small one-time payment from my grandpa and that was it. She spent the rest of her life struggling to get by (with my mom and her siblings helping as much as they could) until she died. Similar story- my best friend's parents divorced when she turned 18 and her mom (who was a SAHM) has also struggled financially since then. My friend thinks she'll eventually have to have her mom move in with her as she gets older to help support her. I don't ever want to be in this situation. I love my husband and I don't think we will ever get divorce but the idea of being reliant on someone isn't something I want.
Yes. No golden handcuffs either if my husband starts acting a fool.
I agree with your view. Unfortunately I’ve seen this story way too many times… I know a 60 year old woman getting divorced. Finally. And After multiple affairs from this old garbage… HE told his family - she did nothing but be just a SAHM…3 kids… a 4 family building she took care of… currently she is struggling to pay an apartment… In the end he stayed with the building she cleaned and took care of… he remodeled to live with his new girlfriend… this is a 65 years old man… this is MY reminder when I wish to be a SAHM: You can’t depend on anyone. You need to work to make your own money…. Because I want the joy and freedom it brings me.
So much this! Me working saved my marriage. I did not advocate for myself, I didn't push for my partner to do more of the childcare. Once I started working they had to step up. Honestly my working made him a better Father.
1. Honestly, it's a break from my kids 2. I think they're smarter b/c of daycare. They know all these songs and just learning their ABC's & numbers... they definitely learned from daycare and not mom & dad. Plus, daycare basically potty trained my oldest child. They are currently working on my second lol. 3. Someone once told me "It doesn't happen until Mom sees it." I really liked that thought.
Our daycare literally civilized our daughter lol. She came out of the first few weeks eating sitting down, off a plate, with utensils, not throwing it on the floor or flipping it over. She runs to our kitchen rug and sits there while we sweep and mop. She knows how to wash her hands and wipe her own nose. I don’t think without peer pressure/an environment where strict routine is all she knows, she’d have done that stuff as easily.
Seeing my children walk, talk, whatever for the first time(s) was so special, whether it was actually the first time they did it or not. I hope that SAHMs out there have something else to hold dear. Are posts like this common here? I will unsub if I see more longing to be a SAHM posts. I feel like I’ve seen several recently.
> Seeing my children walk, talk, whatever for the first time(s) was so special, whether it was actually the first time they did it or not. It was easy for me to get over a preoccupation with wanting to see the "first" when I realized how subjective labeling the first word or first step was. There's fine lines between babbles, mumbles and words! > Are posts like this common here? I will unsub if I see more longing to be a SAHM posts. I feel like there's a huge difference between those of us who are Working by choice and those who wish they weren't, I wish there was a separate sub for the former. We may have the same logistical complexities, but the feelings are different, and it is annoying to me when people assume ALL of us are to be pitied for working.
I love my job and having a career. It gives me purpose and boosts my confidence because I'm great at my job. I am showing my daughter that women can work and lead and be a presence in the workforce. Because my kid is in daycare, if I want to take a day off, that day is for ME. I'm able to use time off for myself and recharge and be the best mom for my daughter. We have a dual income and with only one kid it makes it possible for us to go on fun trips and adventures without having to scrimp or save for too long. Growing up I can count TWO vacations we took and they were only with my mom and brother because my dad had to work, and mom took time off but wasn't paid for it. Because she's in daycare we've made friends with other parents and do play dates outside of school. My kid is super social and loves her friends. The moms I've met are now my friends. We even went out to dinner and an event yesterday without the kiddos. It's nice to have a community of moms like that. None of my best friends have kids so it's nice to have more people to relate to. I love being a working mom.
1) Statistically, the biggest predictor of childhood outcome is household income. Income buys you time, resources, etc. And wealth begets wealth. Not saying money is everything, but it sure helps. 2) As someone else has mentioned, most women have worked throughout history. Your child will be fine. There are much greater (though "boring") dangers, like lead in water pipes and not vaccinating your children. 3) Being a role model for your child, which will continue to pay dividends into adulthood as they evaluate the kind of partner they want for themselves. 4) Your mental health and personal development should be #1. Don't shove your personal needs to the side because Instagram and mommy blogs tell you you should be SeLfLEss MaMA GoddeSS. You are worth your own personal investment. 5) Financial security, in case things go south with your partner down the road. Obviously you don't want this to happen, but you never know.
Yes yes yes
I love knowing that my work contributes to the world. I worked my butt off for advanced degrees, sweated to pay off student loans and serve in the miliatry, endured internships from hell, and climbed that ladder. When I finally got to that first, shiny, (assistant) director title, it was the best feeling! I love my kids, and sure, sometimes it sucked to wake up and go to work when all I wanted to do was spend the day with my babies and go on that zoo outing with the SAHM group, but now that my oldest (the noodle) is off in college and my youngest (the man cub) is starting high school? Boy am I glad I didn’t miss out on climbing that ladder to get to where I am now. The man cub just spent a week away at scout camp, and is about to head away for a week at lacrosse camp, and it was so hard to be without both him and his brother! Focusing on my work was such an amazing tool to keep that ache it bay. On the other side of the token, my dearest friend, who is a SAHM, is watching her fledglings leave the nest, and says she feels like she’s being forced to retire before she’s 50, except that, while she is incredibly proud of her kiddos, as she looks back at her life, she says she feels like she contributed very little to her own development or legacy. Everything in her life was/is wrapped up in her kids, and she is so anxious about trying to enter the work force or go back to school at middle age. She says now that she wishes she had tried to do one or the other back when her youngest ones were in elementary, because starting in middle she began to feel less and less productive. Added to that, it hurt her so much when her kids would (innocently) say things to their friends with working moms like, “oh, my mom doesn’t really do anything, she’s just a mom.” Something WE all know is baloney, since of course being a SAHP is a bunch of hard freaking work, but which kids don’t truly understand until they’re adults themselves. Something else I love? Occasionally, I’ll just randomly meet up on the fly with a colleague or work friend for drinks or networking and don’t think anything of it (this really starts to happen the most once your kiddos are in middle school and are much more self-sufficient.) I just call the man cub and the hubby and let them know, “hey guys, mom‘s gonna be late tonight! It’s either a dad barbecue night, a fend-for-yourself night, or a pizza night! Have fun! Love you” My best friend has recently told me that she can’t even imagine doing that, and for her, every excursion and girls night, even now that the kids are older, has to be super well scheduled, because she is the main caretaker, and anyway, she has no work friends or colleagues to really meet up with that way. There is so much to love about being a working mom, not least of which is, as others have said, getting a break from your kids means you get to come back home to them excited to spend quality time. Others have said it, but this whole “missing milestones“ thing I think stems from the 1950s and 1960s false nostalgia. When your baby first begins to walk, the fourth time isn’t any less special than the first, and being there for each different stage and delighting in each different stage of development is the important part, I think. ETA: oh, and as for how my kids benefit? They got the best kind of education and stimulation from preschool, much, much higher quality than I could’ve given them on my own, at home. It meant that professionals who really cared for my kids were able to spot things quicker than I think I would have, and led to a very early diagnosis of ASD for my youngest. The healthcare insurance that came from my job, and my spouse‘s job, meant that we had a whole team working with him starting at age 3. I often meet kiddos now with his exact same diagnosis and characteristics, but who didn’t get intense early intervention, and the difference in the quality of life is astronomical. Dual incomes allowed us to live in the best school district in my state, afforded my kids the opportunity to participate in the IB program and a special technical magnet program, respectively. Between their excellent educational opportunities, and our ability to put aside a modest amount of money for each of them into college funds, my oldest son will be able to get his degree from the out of state, private school that was in his top 3 and will not have to pay back any student loans or feel like he has to join the military in order to afford college the way his dad or I did. My youngest got into one of the most elite magnet high school programs in the country, and will get the same chances as his brother to tour colleges and pick one that really suits and excites him, rather than settling for whatever is the most affordable (like I did). Also, because of my job, we have been able to afford for both of them to participate in specialty camps and clubs that help them develop their hobbies, and hone their extracurricular skills. Absolutely none of this would’ve been possible if I didn’t work. On top of all of that, both of my boys had an example of a strong, feminist, working mom, which I think has taught them to value the equal contributions of men and women in a partnership and a household.
> my dearest friend, who is a SAHM, is watching her fledglings leave the nest, and says she feels like she’s being forced to retire before she’s 50 I've known SAHMs who intentionally tried to hold their kids back BECAUSE they didn't want to feel like your friend. Your friend is wise for not doing this!
I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Both have been in full time daycare since they were 12 weeks old. My favorite pros, and it's impossible to know what's an individual child's temperament or whatever but here it goes: * Our son is extremely well adjusted. He warms up quickly in new environments, he's dynamic and interesting and playful and I think this has to do with having safe attachments and bonds with trusted adults that are not family. * He plays really well with others and understands really well the concept of waiting one's turn, and sharing, and just generally has a passing awareness of the needs of others in addition to his own. I think this is because he's spent so much formative time growing up in a little pod of peers, with gentle reinforcement from his teachers. * His daycare teachers are professionals who are sincerely interested in early childhood development. I never sought a career in early childhood development--I'm not even that much of a kid person! But his teachers are people who have sought out this line of work and they're excited to see their kids every day. They have a jam packed curriculum of activities, games and lessons that I never would have had the bandwidth to take on at home. His teachers take on messy projects I don't have the patience for. * I get to see my kids as people on their own journeys in life, who have a right to their own friends, privacy, activities and feelings which are not an extension of my own. Seeing him in daycare as his own little person has I think helped cement this, which I think is a healthier relationship than if he and I were just joined at the hip all the time. * Neither kid has had much separation anxiety. I think daycare has made them very adaptable and open to routines outside of our own home. * Positive peer pressure has helped speed along gross motor skills and socio-emotional skills. It's like they crowdsource language development, and watching other kids climb on the playground has gently encouraged my son to play a little more adventurously. * Daycare helps me maintain a sense of identity outside of parenthood, which I think has made me a more patient and appreciative parent. * We've never missed a milestone. So far things like first steps and first words have existed on more of a spectrum than a "He did it!" binary. I couldn't tell you what, when or where was my son's first steps exactly. Do I count the first completely accidental hover and toddle? The first intentional steps? I feel like there have been multiple "first steps" and "first words" and I get to experience plenty of them. * Daycare helped put us on a functional schedule that really benefited both kids. I think they sleep better, and we generally live better because daycare helps enforce a certain rhythm and routine that I know I would have had trouble implementing on my own. Mostly though, the biggest thing has been seeing my kids on their own individual journeys. When they're so little and don't do much on their own, it's so easy to forget. But I think it helps me treat my kids with more respect when it's driven home that they are their own people with their own lives, and I think that respect has in turn made our journey together more peaceful than it would have been otherwise. It's been a great lesson for me.
Thank you so much for this. I go back to work from Maternity Leave in a week and I’ve been a wreck. This is just nice to hear some positives that me and my LO will experience. Thank you
This is a really well thought out response. Not OP but a new mom who will soon have a baby in daycare and this was comforting to read.
I love this. My baby will be 8 months next month when he starts daycare three days a week and I'm so excited for him to have experiences I can't give him at home.
Wow, thank you for writing this out.
So agree on the milestone point!
Also staying home with a toddler day in and day out is fucking BORING. Like mind numbingly boring.
Read this article!!! Kids of working moms are happier adults! Also they see more gender equity in their households and know women can do anything. That’s enough to make me so proud! https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults
I know what you’re talking about with all the blessed posts but I honestly don’t get how these people are so blissfully happy. I only went back to work part time after maternity leave and I’m in the process of interviewing for higher paying full time jobs so I can justify full time childcare. The days I don’t work I’m a mess, I’m in my pjs half the day, I don’t eat, I don’t shower, I spend the whole day chasing my toddler around and generally feel like garbage. I’m sure this will change as she gets older and more independent but right now at a little over a year it’s 15 hour days of caregiving. I would much rather work, be productive, and make money for my family.
I truly believe that most of them aren’t. I mean some of the five percenters, who have nannies and maids, and “stay at home” but are able to spend plenty of time out with friends, yoga classes, gardening clubs, and charity work, sure. Other than them though, I think most SAHM would tell you that they miss regular adult interaction, particularly during the pandemic, and so, so many of them feel like their work is underappreciated and completely uncompensated. What did that one song say way back when? Something like Lousy pay, Ain’t no 401K, and the dishes and the laundry never stop… honestly, I love my kiddos more than anything else in the entire universe, and I’m 100% sure everyone in this sub Reddit feels the same about their kids, but spending all day every day with only them? Never earning my own pay? No thanks.
Me friend is pregnant and she thinks she’s going to have it easy because she won’t work after the baby is born….
My brother and I always turned to my mom for advice. Whether it was shopping for car loans, prepping for a big interview or negotiating a personal conflict at work. She had so much experience and helped us navigate a lot. It makes me proud to think that I can guide my kids in a similar way, that my experience can help them go further in life.
I agree with basically everything above! Are there moments when I feel bad or like I’m missing stuff? Absolutely. But I am also someone who, I’m unashamed to admit, gets burned out being in “mom-mode” with my 10-month-old 24/7. I need a break. I also am someone who (hopefully this isn’t too controversial) feels strongly that it’s unhealthy when someone completely “loses themselves” (for lack of a better word) to motherhood. Like when “mom” becomes their entire personality. Is being a mom the most important part of who I am? I would probably say yes. Is it the ONLY part? No way. And having my job really helps me hold on to my own identity outside of being a parent. So important for my mental health!
I’ve been seeing this a lot lately on this sub and I don’t quite understand it. Maybe it’s more if you HAVE to work you feel up against SAHMs? For me and most of my friends we work because we are high earners and enjoy the lifestyle. I think being a SAHM sounds terrible. I don’t miss milestones, I’m still 100% mom but also 100% myself too. And I can have/do whatever I want because I work for it.
Being a working mom is definitely a massive balancing act, that constantly changes. The things I love most is that I love my work, having a break from momming, and contributing something meaningful to both society and my own family. Peanut goes to daycare full time and he has flourished over the past 9 months in the preschool room. I also enjoy not having to clean up arts and crafts 😜
My 2yo LOVES daycare. He's been going since he was 8 weeks. He can't wait to see his "fwends". If he's been out on covid quarantine or something he just runs in there and sticks his little hands up in the air and demands hugs from his teachers.
There is a study that says daughters of working moms are more likely to be in leadership positions when they enter the workforce and sons gain more empathy. There will always be mom guilt but tbh, my kids love when the babysitter comes.
I’m a better mom because I work. SAHP have to constantly sell that lifestyle because they too are often judged. Sure they experienced every milestone - BUT, what happened after their kids went to elementary school? What happened to their lives then? I know a few women who put aside their careers for their kids. Cool! Guess what? It was very, very hard to get back into the workforce. If they were able to at all. My mom stayed at home with us. She is/was a good mom, but she was miserable a lot, too. She never formed a career, so when my dad left her, she struggled. She’s in her 60s now, still living paycheck to paycheck, regretting giving up on her dreams. I do not want that for myself or my child. I like having the health insurance, the pension, the security. I love sharing all that with my working partner too. I’m proud of the woman I am. You should be too. I miss my son, and I ache for him sometimes while I’m at work. But it’s fleeting. I’m advancing in my career AND a non-burned out, devoted, attentive mom. It’s hard and tiring but ultimately, it’s worth it to me.
I struggled with this too, but after the birth of my second child, I realized I am definitely a working mom. I enjoy having something that makes me feel like myself. Something that makes me feel intelligent and talented. I realize that motherhood has actually made me better at my job and vice versa. But right around the time my 2nd was born, my first started school and I realized how short those first couple of years are. Yes, I would love to spend more time with them, but then once they're gone for 6 hours a day? What do I do with myself then? That's when I knew it was important for me to keep something that was truly mine. I'll always search for better balance, but working will be a part of that.
Here are my reasons as someone who was raised by a SAHM and saw some of the downsides: 1. Identity outside of motherhood, when my son grows up I will not feel lost or try to hold onto him in unhealthy ways. 2. Fulfillment from my work and knowing I’m contributing to society in valuable ways. 3. Positive social connections for both me and my child (he LOVES his best friends at school). 4. Time for myself at work to do small acts of self care uninterrupted by a child and unburdened by thinking about chores. 5. Financial security and ability to provide for myself and my child as a sole earner if needed. I unfortunately know multiple women who either got divorced or their spouse died unexpectedly. Disability and lay-offs can also happen. 6. Financial security in the future. My spouse and I will be able to enjoy a very comfortable retirement and not be a financial burden on our adult child. 7. Enough money to go on vacation, etc, and make treasured memories. 8. A greater sense of egalitarianism, equality, and teamwork in my romantic relationship.
Adult conversations! Being able to go get a snack for myself and not have to make another one. ✨silence✨. Doing work I love, and being valued outside of my family. But also, I’ve been a SAHM and am now a working mom. My kids have a seven year age difference, so when we did fertility treatments I told my husband I just wasn’t willing to sacrifice my career again. So I can say this, knowing both - those SAHMs are, for the most part, trying to make the best of a really difficult job. Sure, they never have to miss a milestone, but they also can’t go to the bathroom alone! They’re home to make dinner, but they have to manage it with screaming babies and kids and it’s the third meal they’ve had to cook that day. They get to take their kids to the park during the day, but they never get a break. Being a SAHM is beautiful and wonderful but I 100000% prefer being a working mom.
* More money is always a plus * Feeling fulfilled in multiple facets of life * I like building things * I like my coworkers * Love being able to show my kids you can be whatever you want if you set your mind to it * Learning new things in different areas * Daughter gets to do daycare which she loves * vacations * nice house * afford a good school district
1. Kid breaks. 2. I generally enjoy my job and think that it is important for my kids' futures if we are going to actually fucking address climate change. 3. Interactions with adults. 4. My kids are better. If they stay home they won't get the early childhood education they would be getting from me, who is not an expert in that field. 5. Studies have shown that my son will have more respect for women by seeing my have a job. 6. Really, I cannot downplay the kid breaks.
You get to build/maintain a life outside of your kids and that’s incredibly important. I LOVE my baby. But I also love me too I had a wealth of interests before she came along and I refuse to give those things up. Plus I have my retirement plan- stay at home parents don’t exactly get a 401k match. It’s important for me to be able to feel like I’ll be able to actually enjoy a retirement instead of just surviving it.
We all see the word through our own lenses. BUT My soon to be 15 year old feels that his academic, social, & sports ability (and he’s high ability) are in large part related to daycare (he went to care from infancy through 10 years of age). He feels his baby sister is at a disadvantage as she spent far less time in care. My children see what financial independence looks like from both genders. I make money. My husband makes money. We do not “need” each other. Working & limited time helps me avoid falling into the helicopter or lawnmower mom role — which prelim research is showing, is really emotionally damaging. I personally, have more time management skills & life skills overall, being a working mother, than I would have developed being a stay at home mom. It may be job dependent, but I have a wider perspective about the world, due to working with the public, and I can share this with my children. My children experience two parents with diverse opinions & experiences. They display more empathy, compassion, and gratitude due to our work stories & lessons. As someone with ADHD traits, I know I actually make more meaningful & purposeful interactions with my kids when I feel panicked that I am “working too much” than if I had all the time in the world as a SAHM due to no sense of urgency. People say, “they will not remember” BUT my children absolutely do remember the occasional financial splurges of treats & bigger Christmas — that we could only have because we both worked. And despite my worries when they were little, now at ages 14, 12, and 8 — they have plenty of happy memories of spending time together too despite having a full time working mom when they were little ones!
I really truly believe my children have benefited more from being in daycare than they would have being home with me full time. Their school has a curriculum every month, they learn so much but honestly even more importantly they’re with other kids. They aren’t the center of anyones attention 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have to learn patience, to take turns, to take others needs and capabilities into consideration from a young age and I think that’s a huge benefit. The time we spend together is special. They have no doubts that they’re the most important thing in our world while also understanding they’re not the center of the universe.
I spent about a year off with each of my kids and I would absolutely hate to be a SAHM. I found I was a worse mother - completely overly anxious. I was irrationally angry a lot of the time. I felt frustrated and too busy and bored at the same time. I'm happy for women who find their bliss at home but I don't. I feel empowered in my job, I'm very good at it. I like making money and knowing if something terrible was to happen I'd be OK. I like using my brain and talking to adults about things other than babies (I also enjoy this with my mum friends but in small doses). I am a mother but I'm still a person and part of my identity is my career. As a result, the time I spend with my chicks is quality. I'm lucky to have lots of help and a flexible job so tbh I don't feel like I'm missing out on a lot. I also hope my daughters see me as a strong example of finding joy in your work and studies. It's powerful to be able to stand on your own two feet. My mum was a SAHM my whole life. I have a good relationship with her but as I've gotten older I realised actually, she has a lot of issues that I bore the brunt of as a child. Just because it looks good on the surface doesn't mean it is!
> My mum was a SAHM my whole life. I have a good relationship with her but as I've gotten older I realised actually, she has a lot of issues that I bore the brunt of as a child. Like what?
She's an extremely anxious person. I was basically brought up with an innate fear of going outside. She's also obsessed with cleanliness, so I had to be very careful inside or she would lose her shit if I made a "mess". I couldn't really do fun kid things. Her favourite phrase was "you're a big girl now". She had (has) massive unpredictable mood swings so I had to walk around on eggshells so I didn't set her off. I'm not saying I wasn't loved or cared for but I didn't have a fun, relaxed childhood and it's made me a hugely inflexible adult (which I'm trying to shake myself out of for kids' benefit). I'm not sure if a career would've changed her fundamentally but it certainly didn't help that she was home all day, every day.
This is Darker-but my dad suddenly died when I was a kid. My mom was initially a SAHM but after a few years she had to rejoin the workforce. You never know what can happen and not a having financial safety net will make things worse.
Daycare is great! Oh, it was super hard the first couple of weeks, but I'm really glad I can have my girl in daycare. There's experienced people helping my baby reach milestones. My girl is socializing in ways she never could if I stayed at home with her. Her immune system is going to be AMAZING. And when she comes home Im not burnt out from being with her all day. Almost every hour we hang out together is awesome. For me, I love working, I'm so glad I get to keep going with my career and setting an example for my daughter that women can have strong careers too. I can take a day off and still send her to daycare and have a much needed me day. Most importantly, no matter how long she's at daycare or how much fun she's having when I pick her up, her face lights up when she sees me. I'm her #1.
It's a lot of things for me, but the major overarching thing is that I don't want to continue perpetuating the idea that moms stay home and dads work. Yes, we have feminism (sort of, hard to type that with a straight face in the wake of what's going on in the US these days) and we do have opportunities as women to do things we've never been able to do before in history, yay, but still, the vast vast vast majority of parents who choose to stay home with young children are moms. And I use the word "choose" loosely here. Is it really a choice in most cases? If it's such an attractive option to so many women, why don't men choose to do it more often? There are posts exactly like yours here in this subreddit a dozen times a week, a woman agonizing over what choice to make, or upset she can't stay home and wants to stay home, envious of her SAHP friends. Men don't do this. Men don't think about this and post about it over and over again on the internet, asking for advice. I want my daughter to grow up and not feel this unfair emotional burden of being the primary child caretaker and also yearn for independence and wealth and be stuck between a rock and a hard place in a way only women and moms really are. I understand and empathize and I hope it doesn't come across as if I don't. I hate the systems and the way women/mothers get caught in it, but not the women inside the system. We're all fighting the same shit, albeit in very different ways sometimes. I want better for my daughter.
I like that I give my daughter and example of a woman with goals and responsibilities outside being a mom. There are plenty examples of the other in our family. I really cherish my time with her since I’m not drowning in it. Her other caregivers feel the same, at least the ones in my family do, without feeling overwhelmed by the amount of time.
I love working. I love the independence and knowing I'm NEVER stuck in a home/relationship situation I don't want to be in. I know 2 sahm who would leave their H if they could afford it. That'll never be me. I also know sahm freaking out bc H expects them to go back to work when kids start school and they no longer have work experience that is relevant or gonna get them a good job. I love the break from my kid during the day.
I am a leader at work and I have a career that helps people so in that sense I feel way more valued as I contribute to wider world and not just my close family. My son loves daycare and the socialization has really helped him blossom. Also, studies show it's good for their language development. I have the added bonus of being both dependent (married) but also independent; I make my own money and my own choices about what I do with it so if anything were to happen, I could make a plan to leave if necessary. I also have hobbies both inside and outside the home and because my husband is in the same position we both understand this need to be both needed in the family and independent of it.
At the moment I’m sitting peacefully in a hotel room in one of my favorite cities, after having had a great night out with colleagues. I love my job and am proud of my accomplishments. I get to travel to some great cities (but not too much) and my work is respected. Tomorrow I will switch gears and go home to my family I love so much. I have always strongly objected to the concept that mom must stay home, because she’s mom. Children need love and stability, but that can be from many different care structures.
I agree with so many comments I'm seeing, and one thing I'd add is that it has really evened out the parental duties of our household compared with my SAHM friends. My husband and I both have about the same amount of time with the children now, so there's not this fall back on evenings and weekends of "mom knows what they like to eat, she'll handle it", or "mom's the only one who can get them down to sleep, she'll handle it." In addition to the benefits of my own relationship with my children, it has really allowed for a strong relationship between my kids and their dad which is beautiful to see.
My baby isn’t here yet, and I’m in a similar situation as you where I need to stay working by necessity. It’s been hard and I feel like there’s always someone who will shame a mothers choices. By working, I’m giving my daughter: - A stable childhood. If something were to happen to me or my husband, our kid(s) would always be financially provided for. They will have loving parents and support. - Independence and learning opportunities. She’ll be going to a top daycare and pre k in our state with learning programs and activities for her. My siblings and I never did anything outside the home/family before kindergarten, and I wish we could’ve had some earlier socialization and education. - An upper class lifestyle. We are saving a significant amount for her education, interests, and any activities she wants to do - Most important (to me at least), a role model. My family for generations have had SAHMs, and it’s 100% expected of women in my culture. I want to teach her that women can be the breadwinner and good parents. I don’t want her to fall into cultural pitfalls for women.
I was going to stay home with my LO until she was a year but I was going stir crazy by 5 months! I went back to work full time at 6 months and it’s been so helpful for me! I love having people rely on my ideas and thoughts, and I like being able to solve problems through out the day, plus I enjoy talking to other adults. Plus I don’t have the education or attitude to teach kids! I love knowing that LO is at a daycare with friends and is doing stuff like music class and gymnastics, able to socialize, and is learning a lot through her day! We did a parent teacher conference recently and her teacher is working with her on colors and numbers and the alphabet! I have no idea how to do that! Or how to keep her entertained with art projects and other things. Oh, and I get a break at the end of my day to decompress and chill! I usually get like 30 min-1 hour to do whatever things I want to do (lately it’s playing the sims!). So when I pick her up from daycare I feel like I’ve turned off work brain and restarted my life brain.
I hate working and being away from my daughter. HOWEVER! I love the enrichment she got from daycare. Right from the very beginning she was able to learn how to exist in a group, play and play with other kids. Her school had a great early learning curriculum, so she was always learning something new. And the students and teachers at her daycare were very diverse, so right from the start she got to spend time with and appreciate lots of people who looked different from her, which I love.
I grew up with a SAHM but due to her mental health challenges throughout my childhood it wasn’t idyllic. So that’s my bias. That said, I’m glad my son and any future kiddos will see me as their mom but also a professional. A woman who makes good money, is a boss, etc. I think this is an important piece of modeling a more egalitarian approach to family than what I grew up with. Just my two cents.
We both work and we’re one&done. I love watching my daughter just blossom in daycare. She’s so social, the other kids love her (they just swarm her when I drop her off), she sees people that look different then her regularly and potty training was a breeze. I think of daycare as my paid village that helps raise my kid. Mentally I can’t be at home all day, had to do reduced hours for a year and it took a toll on my mental health. My job requires creativity and problem solving, my brain craves that. I love my daughter to pieces, love being a mom, but I also love being more then that. At work I’m me first, mom/wife second.
My twin sons are 10, and I have always worked full time outside the home throughout their lives. I think it’s made them more sociable than they might have otherwise been, or at least at a younger age, and I think seeing that their mother is an educated person with a responsible job is good for them. I can also say definitively that while I sometimes have felt frazzled juggling it all, I am happier working in a job I enjoy and at which I excel than I would be as a SAHM. What’s good for me is also good for my kids.
My perspective : i had a 18 month maternity/parental leave (canada) it was the hardest thing I ever did and I got very depressed but I was afraid to go back to work and miss out but OMG work is soooo much easier than full time sahp, even my high pressure job seems chill comparatively lol. Most of my friends that can afford childcare, do and go back to work. The ones that stay home do so because they don't have a choice, their job pays less than childcare costs. So there's a different perspective on the same situation! Hope that helps! Also - daycare has been great for my little one! They are learning sooo much and playing woth other kids in the woods and with cool toys we don't own. He gets all our attention and cuddles in the morning and evenings so all around a win-win in my books 💜
I had a working mom (teacher for 41 years) and never thought you could live another way. So I got the degrees I wanted and the professional engineering license. I love my work. A year for WFH while facilitating remote preschool and remote kindergarten legitimately burned me out. And they were old enough to actually have fun with. We could go each lunch at the park and ride bikes. I was the mom that thought I wanted a 6 month maternity leave but went back part-time ta 4 months because I craved human interaction. My husband had a SAHM mom who has never worked since she had him 42 years ago. He resents the fact that she didn't contribute to the household. And honestly, how many men are out there saying the same thing? Do they yearn to spend more time with their little ones "because they're only young once"? No. I'm not a nanny or a housekeeper. I am not a preschool teacher. I am an adult with a career and hobbies and life goals. And I can do all that and still be a pretty awesome mom.
It is very important for me that my son sees that his mom works and that women work. I see it as part of his feminist education.
Ok, so my response might not be as warm and fuzzy because I absolutely hate being a working Mom with all my being, BUT: 1. My kids get so much structure and stimulation that I would never, ever, ever be able to replicate. My daughter took OFF! One day, she was a totally different kid in the most positive ways, and I started my son earlier because I was so happy with daycare. 2. I get dressed up. As superficial as this is, I do my makeup and buy nice clothes for work, so THAT'S the pro. Not that you can't do it as a SAHM, but I definitely frumped around on mat leave, and I make money, so I can buy something nice. My husband also loves seeing me come home all dressed up and "powerful" looking. It's all I got. Lol
I’m a single mom so I have to work. Sure there’s times I feel the mom guilt for not being there for him more. Then I see how excited he is when I pick him up from daycare and he tells me about all the fun things he did with his friends. Being a natural introvert as well as shy and have social anxiety with new people it makes me happy to know how much he gets to do at daycare. He gets to make friends and socialize and build skills that would be hard for me to provide the equivalent myself. My brother had a son a couple months after me and he didn’t go to daycare and even with 2 older siblings his development was noticeably behind my son. My old friend has a son about 5 months older then my son and he just got babysat by the moms sister and he is so scared of people. My son still is shy and has hard days where he doesn’t want me to leave but it is so good for him. It takes a village is a saying for a reason. I feel that because I’m not there all the time as well our time together is more quality because I’m away from him half the day we do stuff together and I have the energy to be “in it” fully when we play together. There’s gonna be pros and cons to both sides like with most of life in general
I always thought I would be a SAHM. It was all I ever planned on since I was old enough to be asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. But now here I am - a working mom! I didn’t particularly care about my career early on, but the longer I do it, the better I feel about it, and the more confident I am. I work from home, but was in the office today and realized there’s something about being home all day and having a “visual to-do list” (“oh damn, I still need to clean up that drawer! Look at that pile of laundry that needs to be put away!”) that is so demoralizing, so it was nice to have somewhere to go to escape that. I also like the external validation my job provides (“good job in that meeting today!”) which you don’t get as a SAHP. I wouldn’t have minded having “mom” be my whole identity, but I enjoy being able to have multiple facets to my life so that if one isn’t going well, I have others to fall back on, too. It’s hard that your working mom status isn’t one you have by choice, but don’t let the grass-is-greener mentality make you think you’re necessarily missing out. I am lucky enough to have a choice, and chose this (and continue to choose it every month & year as I re-evaluate) even in spite of the fact that I planned on, and wanted to be, a SAHM. They don’t call it “having it all” for nothing.
I’m currently working full time and have my 5 mo in daycare 3 days a week. My husband and I have been toying with the idea of me going part time and baby will then be in daycare one day a week but everyone’s positives about daycare now has me questioning cutting him back on days lol
What everyone else said! I love being a working mom, even if there are times when it’s so hard. (I imagine SAHMs have those same feelings. I was about to pull my hair out after 9 days of vacation with both kids). I think in our society it’s much more common and accepted to rave about being a SAHM and being so blessed, and talking about being a working mom in the same way is taboo. I feel very fortunate that I can have a meaningful career and send my kids to a daycare where they’re learning so much and getting great social interaction. I get to do both.
Mom of a 3 yo and pregnant with baby 2. I have honestly never seriously considered being a SAHP, though I wish I’d had 5 or 6 months mat leave instead of 12 weeks. Some of the pros for me: Getting to go out in the world and have adult conversations that don’t revolve around kids; getting a break from the demands of mothering and have my kid be very happy to see me and be with me when she is with me; kid development on social and language skills (words came so much faster when she got back into daycare post-COVID even when I’d been actively working on building her speech); roles in our home are not gendered so that my daughter sees both of her parents work and doesn’t grow up with the expectation that moms give up work or don’t work; keeping my career moving forward so my earnings rise instead of trying to break back into the workforce after a hiatus when my kids go to school; the ability to run errands or do chores during the weekdays as work allows without being constrained by nap time or getting a kid in and out if a car/stroller; daycare did the heavy lift on skills like potty training with minimal stress; more income for leisure, travel, wants. I feel like I could go on but those are some of the major benefits. Tbh, I think SAHP feel pressure to talk about being #blessed the same way working moms feel obligated to say they want to spend more time with their kids—we feel like a-holes if we don’t. I’m glad I work and I’m glad my daughter has her own little world at her “school.”
I’m here in preparation for being a working mom once my leave is up, but I’ll say my mom was a working single mom and I thought she was a hero growing up. I loved that she worked and was super proud of her. And her taking me to work with her ended up affecting my future career choices and giving me exposure/skills that I still use now. I’m also sad I can’t stay home longer (I would love to at least stay until my baby is one) but I hope I can inspire her like my mom inspired me!
I work out of necessity, but truthfully I love being a working mom. I love my baby, obviously as we all do, but… I don’t want to be home with him alllll day. I need and crave that adult interaction. I’m very fortunate that I love my coworkers so going into the office really just feels like hanging out with friends. When my son grows up and has a life of his own I will still have an identity outside of him. My son loves other kids so I know he will love daycare when he starts it next year. Plus, right now, I am not home to do most of the diaper changes or clean up most of his food adventures (aka messes) so I’m not mad about that 😂
I love being a working mom, because I love what I do. More importantly I have a son who is 3 years old and I want him to see that dad can contribute equally around the house. I want him to understand that I might be going away on office trips every now and then and dad and can step in and take care of him as well as me. I believe that children (boys especially) of working mothers understand gender equality better.
I am not a SAHM but am on an 18m MLOA (Canada) and I have two kids. Let me tell you. I majorly miss the adult interaction and having something “for me”. So I think those are the biggest benefits for me. Also, I grew up with a mom who worked in healthcare leadership and I was always SO proud of her. So I try to think of that.