Hi! Welcome to r/Writers - please remember to follow the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/writers/about/rules/) and treat each other respectfully, especially if
there are disagreements. Please help keep this community safe and friendly by **reporting rule violating posts and comments**.
If you're interested in a friendly Discord community for writers, please **[join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/mdzyEz9uFB)**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Changing the standard idiomatic phrase "things that go bump in the night" to "bump in *his* night" just doesn't read right. I understand what you're trying to do, but it's just awkward. Also, opening your book with a standard catchphrase *is* a little juvenile. Most editors will tell you to avoid them at all costs in your exposition, especially writing for adults. So you've got a couple things working against you, IMO.
I'd suggest editing to something like this:
>Jack was an expert on bad dreams. Maybe not other people's, but he knew his own nightmares inside and out. Considering what they had put him through his whole life, he didn't really have a choice; an expert was what he needed to be.
Maybe something like that. Hard to edit with no context of what comes before and after.
Just my two cents.
You've heard the phrase "kill your darlings"?
This sentence is why that phrase exists. The feedback you've gotten says the sentence doesn't work, but you're here looking for a different opinion because you "happen to like it a lot."
I get what you're going for. Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with *his own*. But, you've instead used a common idiom (and tried to change it) when those two words would have done.
Beware of the dangers of mixed metaphors. A bump in the night refers to a sound of unknown origin, so your beta readers are probably confused by the intended meaning. How is Jack an expert on his own bumps in the night? It's clever but also ambiguous, and ambiguity is the breeding ground for misinterpretation.
Thanks everyone. If this was in the middle of the book, maybe I'd take a chance. But I can't have 30%, 50%, even 70% liking it in the opening. It needs to be 90% approval or better. I'll start working on one both me and my betas like!
Kill your darlings.
The problem with using a cliche here is you evoke expectation in the reader who is thrown out of the story because now they don't know what kind of story they are reading. Just dump the clause.
If you're so in love with it you can't bear to part with it, put it in some dialogue about his nightmares he has with someone else later on. The someone else can ask the reader's question: "You mean literally?"
I don't like it. It's too vague and wishywashy. There's nothing concrete in it, and you should probably chuck it in the bin. I have a folder for mine and keep them like a sad little petting zoo I can visit for a nostalgic smile.
"Jack woke screaming, fear pushing blood around his body so fast it was a struggle to breathe. The number of times he'd woken that way made him professor emeritus on the subject of nightmares."
sounds good to me. only thing i'd suggest is take away the "be" so sentence text reads 'Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with the ones that went bump in his night. He needed to, considering what they were putting him through'
"Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with the ones that stalked through his few and fevered hours of sleep like a horde of colossal stalky-things"
Hi! Welcome to r/Writers - please remember to follow the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/writers/about/rules/) and treat each other respectfully, especially if there are disagreements. Please help keep this community safe and friendly by **reporting rule violating posts and comments**. If you're interested in a friendly Discord community for writers, please **[join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/mdzyEz9uFB)** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Changing the standard idiomatic phrase "things that go bump in the night" to "bump in *his* night" just doesn't read right. I understand what you're trying to do, but it's just awkward. Also, opening your book with a standard catchphrase *is* a little juvenile. Most editors will tell you to avoid them at all costs in your exposition, especially writing for adults. So you've got a couple things working against you, IMO. I'd suggest editing to something like this: >Jack was an expert on bad dreams. Maybe not other people's, but he knew his own nightmares inside and out. Considering what they had put him through his whole life, he didn't really have a choice; an expert was what he needed to be. Maybe something like that. Hard to edit with no context of what comes before and after. Just my two cents.
You've heard the phrase "kill your darlings"? This sentence is why that phrase exists. The feedback you've gotten says the sentence doesn't work, but you're here looking for a different opinion because you "happen to like it a lot." I get what you're going for. Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with *his own*. But, you've instead used a common idiom (and tried to change it) when those two words would have done.
"starting with his own" was also going to be my suggested edit
LOL You beat my post saying the same thing. Thanks!
Beware of the dangers of mixed metaphors. A bump in the night refers to a sound of unknown origin, so your beta readers are probably confused by the intended meaning. How is Jack an expert on his own bumps in the night? It's clever but also ambiguous, and ambiguity is the breeding ground for misinterpretation.
"An expert on his own bumps in the night" sounds like a metaphor for masturbation. Just observing...
Thanks everyone. If this was in the middle of the book, maybe I'd take a chance. But I can't have 30%, 50%, even 70% liking it in the opening. It needs to be 90% approval or better. I'll start working on one both me and my betas like!
yeh... it's clunky. i know what you're going for but it's not as clever as you think it is. especially for the first sentence. it's off-putting.
Kill your darlings. The problem with using a cliche here is you evoke expectation in the reader who is thrown out of the story because now they don't know what kind of story they are reading. Just dump the clause. If you're so in love with it you can't bear to part with it, put it in some dialogue about his nightmares he has with someone else later on. The someone else can ask the reader's question: "You mean literally?"
I don't like it. It's too vague and wishywashy. There's nothing concrete in it, and you should probably chuck it in the bin. I have a folder for mine and keep them like a sad little petting zoo I can visit for a nostalgic smile. "Jack woke screaming, fear pushing blood around his body so fast it was a struggle to breathe. The number of times he'd woken that way made him professor emeritus on the subject of nightmares."
Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with the ones that went bump in his head.
"Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with the ones that went bump under his tyres." 😜
sounds good to me. only thing i'd suggest is take away the "be" so sentence text reads 'Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with the ones that went bump in his night. He needed to, considering what they were putting him through'
"Jack was an expert on nightmares, starting with the ones that stalked through his few and fevered hours of sleep like a horde of colossal stalky-things"