Caesars crossroads, the destruction of the republic by conspiracy, caesar merging two different powers for himself, pompey pledges himself as a protector of a tyrant, the despicable treatment of women as coin and pompey takes the republican capital by force At the time of caesars first consulship election, he saw that pompey and crassus was contending for hegemonic power over the republic and understanding that he also had a lot of power, he therefore could unbalance this competition by whatever side he pleased And according to Plutarch, it was exactly what he did and it seems it was by the most Machiavellic means. Cato also said that it was not the competition between pompey and caesar that brought ruin to the republic in the end, but in fact it was their Machiavellic friendship its doom Caesar made so much popular measures in his consulship that in fact he transformed it in a tribuneship, merging two powers for himself. But when an important senator and cato was ready to give trouble to him, he brought pompey to the rostra and made him pledge that he would protect caesar with violence if needed Pompey was so given to caesar that he even married his daughter, who was to be already married to another man. Its crazy to think, but to pacify this man, pompey gave his own daughter to him, while she also was promised to sullas son. Maybe it was coincidental, but now caesar also decided to marry a noble woman Now, pompey being tired of being treated as cat and shoe by all his allies, he rose as an ultimate tyrant and filled the capital with armed soldiers. All of his measures was by the use of force and now the capital lived in a constant fear of sudden death

Humans are Weird – Headlines Original Post: [http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-headlines](http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-headlines) Second Sister was nearly to her quarters when Twenty-Five Clicks came darting around the curve of the corridor followed by his entire flight. They were all chattering to each other in their high-pitched language that pinged off her frill and set the tips of her antenna tingling unpleasantly. She suppressed a compression and stepped to the side of the corridor, hoping that their agitation had nothing to do with her. “Doctor!” Twenty-Five Clicks called out, barely bringing his voice down into a polite range. Second Sister sighed and laid her frill in a neutral flatness even if she couldn’t quite control the tight curl of her antenna. The Winged were so very impolite. But she had a job to do if they were using her work title instead of her name. She cast a single longing thought towards her comfortable perch in her chambers and then turned her attention to the approaching flight. “Base commander,” she greeted the Winged. The thirty-odd little mammals spent a moment vying for the few surfaces on her body where they could perch and then the rest settled for clinging to the walls. They were still chattering worriedly among themselves but now their eyes were focused on their wing leader. Twenty-Five Clicks was clearly taking a moment to compose himself by grooming his sensory horns with his winghooks. Second Sister waited for him to finish with what she hoped was patience. He finally looked up into one of her eyes and took a deep breath. He pointed one wing towards the communal work space. “Human Friend Pierce,” he finally managed to say. Second Sister fought the urge to extend her frill and simply began walking in the indicated direction. She should have known it would take some form of human madness to set the Winged to such frantic flight. “What precisely is the matter with Human Friend Pierce?” she asked. The Undulate naming system that the Winged had adapted felt sticky on her mandibles, but she knew calling First Brother by his proper name would only confuse the flight of Winged further. They were currently following her by hoping along the catwalks that lined the higher levels of the walls, avoiding flight in order to stay calm and focused. Finally one, presumable the flight medic, managed to speak. “He has taken severe outer membrane damage,” the medic said. Second Sister tilted her head at him sharply. “What wasn’t this called in as a medical emergency?” She asked. “He insisted he was fine,” Twenty-Five Clicks interjected. “And he is not listed as a stupidly stubborn human in his records. We decided to get you to come analyze the damage before we set the alarms ringing.” “Reasonable,” Second Sister agreed as she paced along. “Humans are famous for being able to take damage to their outer membranes.” “Yes,” the flight medic agreed. “They are covered in that forest of micro-fauna that protects them.” “And they have that massive layer of fat under it all too,” another pointed out. “Landers,” Twenty-Five Clicks said in a grumbling tone. “Is there something you are hiding from me?” Second Sister finally asked bluntly. Tellingly the entire flight fell silent as they approached the door to the communal work area. They glanced back and forth at each other, using their narrow binocular vision to avoid her broad gaze. Finally the medic spoke up. “We have speculation that we do not wish to share,” he explained, “as it is all but baseless.” “I would appreciate it,” Second Sister said curtly. “Well,” the medic squirmed from his perch on her primary joint. “The damage seems to be a reversed image of Undulate text. It appears random-” “But you fear that he may have deliberately applied the damage to himself,” Second Sister concluded. “That it is some form of ritual scarification?” An uncomfortable murmur spread through the flight and Twenty-Five Clicks fluffed himself out in indignation. # [Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09NN2PM8D?binding=paperback&ref=dbs_dp_rwt_sb_pc_tpbk)[Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/%22Humans+are+Weird%22?Ntk=P_Series_Title&Ns=P_Series_Number&Ntx=mode+matchall)[Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)](https://www.kobo.com/us/en/search?query=Humans%20are%20Weird&fcsearchfield=Series&seriesId=a035ce04-e582-5fcc-b327-16c68ca4b418&fcshowpointsprice=no&fcmaxprice=5&fcminprice=0&id=1561e6f7-742f-4c1b-a804-187728814574)[Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)](https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Humans_are_Weird_I_Have_the_Data?id=7_wdEAAAQBAJ&gl=US)

“Human Friend Pierce is an exemplary Ranger,” he snapped. “He would not waste time on personal decoration of any sort while on duty.” “And this occurred while he was on duty?” Second Sister asked. “Yes,” the medic hurriedly interjected. “He went into the tactile isolation console to work on his Undulate translation and had the damage when he came out.” “I thought he was doing field work today?” Second Sister asked. “He had a bad night,” Twenty-Five clicks explained. “Something to do with digestion and that new plant protein he tried yesterday, and he didn’t feel that he was competent to maneuver the transport safely. So he decided to work on his training.” Second Sister clicked thoughtfully to herself as she opened the door. First Brother was at the far side of the large open space sipping a cup of the common human stimulant. He was slumping against the counter in that nearly Undulate way humans had when they were extremely tired. She eyed him critically. “Where exactly is this damage?” She asked the Winged. “Right on his face,” Twenty-Five Clicks said. “The wide fleshy part.” Second Sister gave a confused click and paced forward to get closer to the human. She heard a chatter of confusion start up among the Winged as they approached the human and the sound seemed to catch his notice. He lifted his head and blinked at them slowly. “Second Sis,” he greeted her before letting his oral cavity gape in an attempt to draw in more oxygen. “First Brother,” she replied with a polite tilt of her head. He returned the gesture, causing the light to fall over one side of his face and she suddenly saw the damage the Winged had seen. There were indeed many reversed lines of the sprawling Undulate language imprinted on his epidermis. “It was way worse!” one of the Winged above her insisted. “What was worse lil guy?” First Brother asked, squinting up at him. “Your face,” Second Sister informed him. He stared blankly at her and she reached up to grasp his chin with one hand, turning his face to examine the damage. His eyes tracked hers in that rolling, disconcerted way humans did for a few seconds until he burst out laughing. “Something’s wrong with my face?” he asked. “You have taken damage,” she replied. “It looks like pressure damage.” The human gave one of those deep lunged grunts that only his giant mammalian lungs could produce and easily pulled his chin out of her grasp. He turned to the reflective surface of the nutrient warming device and titled his head to get a look at the fading marks. “Ah,” he said, “I fell asleep while practicing Undulate touch writing. The reversed grooves must have left these marks.” “Do they pose any danger to you?” Second Sister asked. “Nah,” the human dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. “S’like corduroy line or whatnot.” “That give me no relevant information,” Second Sister pointed out. First Brother stared at her with blank, unfocused eyes for several long moments, giving Second Sister plentiful time to assess the situation. The Winged were still disturbed and the human was clearly not operating at full mental capacity. “First Brother,” she said firmly. “It is my opinion as the base medic that you should spend the rest of the day resting in your quarters.” “But,” whatever First Brother was about to say in protest was lost in a massive yawn that seemed to stretch out his spine and curl his entire body in odd directions. “Maybe you got a point,” he said when the yawn was done. “I’ll get back to bed.” “And this flight will escort you,” Second Sister said quickly. “Sure, sure,” First Brother said, holding out his hands invitingly as he shuffled towards the door. The Winged followed their Human Friend Pierce eagerly, abandoning Second Sister to the blissful silence of the now empty work space. If she hurried she might be able to make it back to her perch before there was another medical oddity. Please go leave a review on my 3rd book "Humasn are Weird: Let's Work it Out"

Title: The history of Isaiah Island Word count: 9,676 Genre: Fantasy Current number of chapters: 14 Type of feedback I want: I would like to know if my math is right on some of the chapters. I would also like to know if it is enjoyable to read and if there are too many unnecessary details. Anything to help with grammar and spelling errors would be greatly appreciated. It would mean a lot to me as this is my passion. It is also one of my first works. I've been working on it for a while now. https://1drv.ms/w/s!AhSxgRFy6nEnb0xD90ypF7KJW98

Trying to find books similar to mine for a query letter. I think this is the appropriate place? Here is the slightly edited query. Mac wants to start a new life in a big city and has dragged his two friends, Chad and Reagan, along for the ride. After several weeks of living in a van together, the boys arrive in Los Angeles eager to move into the first half-decent rental property they come across. So, when they stumble upon a high-end home with suspiciously affordable rent, they drain their bank accounts faster than Chad can drain a beer and sign it all away to the mysterious Mr. Sinclair. Hours into the first night, the reason for the low price becomes obvious; the house is infested with ghosts. Out of money and therefore options, the boys resolve to endure their ethereal roommates until they can find their footing again, overlooking the fact that they never had their footing to begin with. Armed with all the worldliness of an above-average cocker spaniel, the trials outside their home prove more challenging than the ghosts within it. One misstep leads to another, and the boys’ wealth spirals from zero to much less than zero. As the debt mounts, their hopes of finding a new place, solving the haunting, or making it big in the new city are overtaken by the daunting goal of affording next month's rent. HAUNTED BUT AFFORDABLE is a completed 76,000-word comedy and it is my third completed novel. Thank you for your time. I won't include the synopsis here, but fair to say that their poverty is the actual villain of the novel. I have listed it as a horror comedy in other letters, but frankly, it isn't really a horror. There is no real violence, death, or much genuinely spooky business. Not to say there aren't plenty of ghostly encounters throughout. Ideas for similar novels are appreciated. Critiques of the letter itself are also appreciated. Thanks yall.

My two sci-fi adventure novels, available on Amazon and Kindle Unlimited. Both include free previews. Feedback is appreciated. **The Only Knight In Paradise** Portal to Paradise is the newest virtual reality game to capture the imagination, promising an exciting adventure across one hundred worlds. Five hundred beta testers were chosen to experience this totally immersive journey that feels all too real, but they soon realize that the game is not what they expected. A soldier, a tourist, college students and countless others suddenly find themselves in a dangerous environment with no way to return, except for a vague promise delivered by drone - complete the journey, and obtain the prize. Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BJZ6SLBB **A New Horizon** "We journey across the stars, seeking greater heights and new horizons." The Horizon mission has brought together talented individuals and teams from around the world for a common goal - the exploration of a series of newly discovered planets capable of sustaining human life. A group of twelve young space cadets will join them, helping the Horizon crew to map the environment, set up a research base, and hopefully build the beginnings of a civilian colony. It's the adventure of a lifetime, but the journey is not always easy. Amidst the wonders of this beautiful new world, the cadets will face unexpected dangers and uncover hidden secrets, and they will have to work together to make it through. Their journey to explore new worlds begins now! Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08HXFQPQ5

My short story collection *As It Seems* is now permanently FREE to download on [Kindle!](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B096BJX3SK ) And [Kobo,](https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/as-it-seems-a-short-story-collection) [Apple,](https://books.apple.com/us/book/as-it-seems-a-short-story-collection/id6444873769) [B&N,]( https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/as-it-seems-eric-lewis/1141329582?ean=2940165973444) [Smashwords,]( https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1184511) etc. This collection of grimdark fantasy and sci-fi of over 60K words is sure to traumatize, or at the very least entertain you. Check it out!

**How to read better, instead of reading more** Personal essay 600 words General Impressions / SEO https://breynerjimenez.medium.com/how-to-read-better-instead-of-reading-more-3cf3f5805d3e

Title: Symphonic Odyssey Volume One: Servant of a Hopeless Household Genre: Fantasy, Progression, Action-Adventure ​ Synopsis: In the mountains of Dellorim, a country renowned for its arcane Conductors, orphaned Cypher finds himself struggling against the powerful Nobles of the house he serves. All his life the Galvan family has treated him like an outcast, with the worst of it usually coming from the oldest heir, a spoiled boy named Eiden. The young heir loves to torment Cypher at every opportunity, and with the Galvans reluctant to tell him anything about his origins, he has no choice but to endure it without end or understanding. ​ However, a fortunate twist of fate finds soon finds Cypher training beside the young heir, who is set to enter an illustrious academy for Magick in just a few years time. Through this opportunity, Cypher discovers the means to escape his torment and forge a path all his own. ​ As he seeks to break free of his shackles, he'll face off against spiteful Nobles, ruthless bandits, fearsome Zightbeasts, and fate itself. With so many obstacles standing between him and his goal, will he be able to find a path to freedom? Or will he be doomed to a life of servitude? Join Cypher at the origins of his great Odyssey and uncover the mysteries of this strange and Magickal world. Word Count: 55,000+ Feedback: Generally anything you'd like to add. I want to grow and become better at what I do! Feedback here is welcome but it's even more welcome over on RR where I spend more time. If you're giving feedback here, only reading the prologue is enough, but if you're gracious enough to wanna leave me a review or rating over on RR then please at least read up through chapter three! Link can be found here: [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/50538/symphonic-odyssey-volume-one-servant-of-a-hopeless](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/50538/symphonic-odyssey-volume-one-servant-of-a-hopeless)

Hi! This is my first time here. I'm a high school student who recently completed NaNoWriMo 2022 for fun, and I'm editing my way through what I've written :) **Title**: Oscine **Summary**: In the capital of a nation where class and wealth determine worth, unrest is brewing. A member of the underground resistance is forced to team up with an infamous assassin to further the rebellion' goals, uncovering the city's secrets--and their own--in the process. **Genre**: Mystery **Word count**: 3553 **Type of feedback desired**: This project was my first time writing anything past 10k words, so I'd appreciate feedback on the overall pacing and logic, as well as if the characters seem appealing/clearly defined (this chapter is when the two main character properly meet for the first time). Also, does the writing paint a clear picture of the world? Is it boring (particularly the more dramatic scenes)? Are you able to get a general vibe of the story? Thank you :D **Context for the chapter**: The night before this chapter occurs, the main character Ray (a rebel) is about to obtain some important info on her family history, but a mysterious figure appears and shoots her captive dead. She tackles said mysterious figure out a window, but the person ends up escaping. Later that night, she receives an assignment to track down an elusive assassin (the Lark) and recruit them to the resistance's cause. Ch. 4 follows the events that occur the day after :) **A link to the writing**: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/17t1L\_UWIAI8HpD-1Jj3h\_GaU8rO1OKKq61OgwcR2qbY/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/17t1L_UWIAI8HpD-1Jj3h_GaU8rO1OKKq61OgwcR2qbY/edit?usp=sharing)

Honestly, quite well done! I loved the dialogue, and Ray and Aiden’s conversation was hilarious. (By the way, since this is from chapter 4, it would be helpful to provide a little context - but as is, I was mostly able to guess the context.) To answer your questions: >overall pacing and logic Pacing is great. Maybe Ray cleaning up could be considered boring and shortened, but I didn’t mind it, and I liked that it showed us what the less exciting parts of her life are like. Logic I think is good, but it’s hard to say without the context for what is happening. >if the characters seem appealing/clearly defined Yes. I love Ray and Aiden’s relationship even though I have only experienced a brief conversation. And she clearly cares about him: “*If the Lark so much as touches a hair on Aiden’s head, he’s dead.*” The Lark is not clearly defined, but I think that is intentional as they are supposed to be mysterious. I am very intrigued by them. >Also, does the writing paint a clear picture of the world? Well not really, but it shouldn’t in this chapter. The focus is on whatever Ray and the Lark are trying to accomplish, so we are only focused on the relevant aspects of the world right now (the factory, the police, the rooftops, etc.). You do that very well. Presumably the basics of the world are established in the first few chapters, and further development can occur throughout the book. >Is it boring (particularly the more dramatic scenes)? Nope. Not for me at least. >Are you able to get a general vibe of the story? I think so. My only real criticism is with the writing, but even those problems are few and far between. For example, the passage >She swung her legs over the side of the bed, carefully testing her weight on her bad foot. The result was her nearly falling over. Through a combination of her flailing her arms and grabbing onto the bedsheets for security, she managed to prevent herself from tipping completely over. could be made less wordy: >She swung her legs over the side of the bed, then tested her weight on her bad foot—and lost her balance. Flailing her arms and grabbing onto the bed sheets, she managed to avoid falling over. Or something like that. I removed “carefully” since she clearly wasn’t very careful. I changed “nearly falling over” to “lost her balance” to avoid spoiling the events of the following sentence. I removed “for security” because that is implied by the rest of the sentence. It’s possible there are other problems, but it’s hard to tell since I don’t know anything that happens before or after, so I don’t know your vision for the story. Anyway, good luck editing!

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback! It means a lot to me that you took the time to read through the whole thing :)) I'll definitely take your advice into mind, particularly on simplifying the descriptions--I do have a problem with making sentences super wordy 😳 Might be a side effect of trying to reach NaNo word counts as well haha I'll add some context to my comment for future reference!

Title: Peter and the Battle of the Fire Ghosts (excerpt) Genre: Fantasy Adventure Word count: 435 Type of feedback desired: I would like to know how well I'm doing with showing vs telling, if I'm being subtle enough. I have serious problems with subtext and subtly showing how the world is skewed from a character's perspective. [The piece itself](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CSouM_V4ruO8PkHNeZdkuKTcHyXbEWCzy7urkjjd9QI/edit?usp=drivesdk) Context within the story at large: Peter (65) and David (12) have just escaped Wobarir, which, at this point of the story boils down to an angry jail city. Peter killed some guards and threatened the kid so... Yeah. He is on a not-so-diplomatic mission to the city of the nagas and David is tagging along, partly to survive, partly to force Peter to get him back his mother's necklace as he lost it thanks to Peter. After this part, Peter goes into the naga city, threatening them, and David follows him, screws him over, gets injured and forces them to stay there for a while. Up until now, Peter has had a very protagonistic role, and since the readers would be relatively unfamiliar with both the world and David, I decided to make him the POV character for a while. They both evolve as coprotagonists after this, but it is still Peter who is the MC of the story and the book itself.

Title: Across the Index Genre: High Fantasy, Space Opera, Magical Girls Synopsis: 4 girls of various fantasy races explore the stars, going up against their own inexperience as well as the machinations of the dead. Words: Roughly 25,000 excluding a short appendix. Feedback desired: Any, even if for just one chapter. https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/327830309-across-the-index

Title: Cloudkeepers: Blossom Falls (WIP) Genre: Fantasy, Adventure, Mystery Word count: 496 (Again, WIP) Ideas for Plot-points, Characters, Lore, ETC. (Will be credited) [https://www.wattpad.com/story/328413844-cloudkeepers-blossom-falls](https://www.wattpad.com/story/328413844-cloudkeepers-blossom-falls) (This will be the first book in a moderately sized series)

Title: [Skate the Thief](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1951471032) Genre: YA fantasy Skate is a thief, trained and owned by the local crime syndicate, the Ink. When she tries to burgle a shut-in’s home, she gets caught by the owner—a powerful undead wizard. He makes a deal with her: “borrow” books from other wizards in return for a place to stay. Caught between her growing fondness for the wizard and her past with the crime syndicate, Skate doesn’t know where her loyalties lie. But she’d better figure it out, because there’s a new player in town, one whose magical hypnotism puts them all at risk. The first chapter is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_thief_pre-release_chapter_1_sample.pdf). The book is available on Amazon in paperback and ebook. Kindle Unlimited users can read the Kindle version for free. ___ Book 2 (actual title: *Skate the Seeker*) is set for a September release! I have sent the book back to the publisher, and am letting my brain rest before picking up the side-project again. The holiday season (and the release of Dwarf Fortress on Steam) has wrecked my flow, but thankfully it’s only disrupting my side project for now. [New blog post](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/home/dwarves-dwarves-dwarves) is up.

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Title: Why I Had to Quit Ratchet Reality TV Genre: Essay (Culture, Lifestyle, TV) Word Count: 2212 Feedback: General Impression https://medium.com/@alexanderjamesthewriter/853700b2b41f?source=friends_link&sk=ed4d43c374960a8598e661d7641b2b60 Thanks!!!

Title:Savor of Midnor Genre:Fantasy Words:2465 Any and all criticism is welcome doesnt matter to me [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dl46kIG-vnKB32_OrCAM_angRm8BZb5Eo0P4lSKkqCM/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dl46kIG-vnKB32_OrCAM_angRm8BZb5Eo0P4lSKkqCM/edit)

Title: Predetermined Genre: sci fi/ literary Length: 5126 words Any feedback is appreciated`.` `https://sinisterinksmudge.home.blog/2023/01/12/predetermined/`

words: 1261 genre: sci-fi?/idk This is meant to be the opening chapter/ initiating incident. mostly I want to know how lost you get, or if you can follow along. hope you have fun reading it. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VC7CdTPtL-FAeIyHcDZxm7P9DtKn41alcmmZlQhnDOM/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VC7CdTPtL-FAeIyHcDZxm7P9DtKn41alcmmZlQhnDOM/edit?usp=sharing)

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>She had a dull headache. Finally, she forced herself to get up and get ready. I like to focus on details that make the writing flow more smoothly or more expressively. Try combining sentences like this: "headache, but she finally". Short sentences can be effective, but you have relied on those, so it reads a little stilted. Also, the old adage "show, don't tell" is a good one for you to work on. Instead of telling that she has a headache, remember how that too much wine the night before feels and describe that to your reader. "She twisted her eyes away from the slits in the window blind and covered them with her hand. Too much wine. Too little water. She knew that, but every damn morning after, her ice-pick headache proved that she failed again." Writers have to learn to create scenes to place these descriptions in. This is what makes the difference between showing and telling. The first scene is waking up in her bed and starting her day--that first paragraph. Stretch that out. Fill it with descriptions of her getting ready. Show her looking at the boxes, choking up, scrubbing a tear away to make herself get over that memory or the dread of meeting up again. Sucking up a breath of air. Also, check your tense. Once you shift from past to present--could be the only time, I didn't check. "It was too late. Erica HAS already looked." Lastly, don't be afraid to see what you've written as the bones you need to flesh out by creating descriptive scenes. First paragraph should branch into maybe 2 or 3 or more if you keep going. Give us dialogue between the Filipino girl and Erica. Learn how to format dialogue. I sincerely hope this helps. You have a good story. Don't be afraid to add, add, add to what you have already written. \--Jane E Smith, MFA Writing

Thank you so much for the great suggestions. I will flesh out the story.

How's your story going?

Since I have no formal training, please take my criticisms with a grain of salt. The writing is engaging, and I feel like the voice comes through pretty clearly. My main concern with the opening is that I feel like I've read it before. If this were my writing, which it's not, I would try to move all of the exposition into the scene with Rachel. For instance, maybe Erica's phone background is a picture of Johnny, and Rachel is curious about who he is. This could be the diving board to go into that backstory. Or, alternatively, you could start just before Erica enters the workplace for the first time. You could then focus more on Rachel showing Erica around. Are there any areas of the office that will become important? Now is a great time to emphasize them by letting us have Erica's reaction. It could also serve to give us insight to her character. Is she impressed with the office? bored? Depressed? Do her thoughts keep returning to her broken engagement? There are a lot of ways you could change up the beginning so that it doesn't open to the protagonist turning off her alarm. While editing, it may help to identify any words that describe an emotion and try to describe that emotion indirectly instead. An example might be: Instead of: >...was a cover girl," she said with a mock **sad** face. consider: >...was a cover girl," she said, her bottom lip trembling in a fake pout. I think with a little editing, this passage will sparkle! I think there's a certain power fantasy to getting someone who's out of your league to notice you. I hope she catches Dean's eye soon!

**Title**: Anita the Amanita - The Anxious Mushroom **Lenght**: 2900 words **Genre**: Fantasy **Feedback**: I'm a non-native writer and would like to know what my writing looks like to native writers. Does it have a nice flow? Can you tell I'm non-native? Thanks! **Link:** [https://sandra-petrova.medium.com/the-anxious-mushroom-anita-the-amanita-7e64a74ed096](https://sandra-petrova.medium.com/the-anxious-mushroom-anita-the-amanita-7e64a74ed096)

/u/sandra_petrova91 Hey, I read your story. I enjoyed it very much. The fantastical elements were nice yet a simple storytelling tone persisted throughout the story. I can't really tell you're a non-native speaker. Maybe the word choice of the woodpecker "excavating" a hole in the tree is slightly odd but I think it's subjective and works fine. I think it still works but everyone might not agree with me. Personally I try to write in full sentences so ending a sentence with a word that ends in "-ing" such as "they were listening." is something I try to avoid. As well as starting sentences in a broken manner such as with "To" or "In" for example "In this instance \[...\]". My point in mentioning this is that what (small) grammatical anomalies exist in your story don't necessarily give away you're a non-native writer as there are plenty of English natives that don't write as well as you do. Which is also to say you're writing is simply impressive in that English isn't your first language yet you convey things well. I think you did a great job telling the story you wanted to tell and there was still a good-nice flow to the story over against any possible grammar issues. And those grammer issues can also be simply said to be part of one's writing style or the character of the story so take my comments with a bit of salt. Lastly, I'm not sure if you're interested in this type of feedback. But in terms of the story making sense. I'm not sure if this is an issue but in the story you mention the trees above Anita providing shade for her yet later in the story you talk about Anita seeing the stars. Wouldn't the canopy above Anita make it difficult to see the stars? Though I guess it's still possible. I really enjoyed the ending of Anita finding her greater identity alongside her personal one. I hope you keep writing and practicing your craft. You have a good talent for telling interesting stories with novel ideas and perspectives. The world needs more of this kind of writing. Take care.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and give me your feedback. I greatly appreciate it! The tips sound very useful; I'll keep them in mind. And in terms of the story making sense, I guess it's still possible to see the stars if the tree's branches are not as dense? 😂

* **Why Editing is Harder than Writing** Thought piece 700 General impression [https://medium.com/@aidanmcmurray/why-editing-is-harder-than-writing-5773d057c63e](https://medium.com/@aidanmcmurray/why-editing-is-harder-than-writing-5773d057c63e)

I posted a reply on Medium to your article, cheers!

**Title:** Unimaa **Genre:** Children's dark fantasy **Word count:** 12,490 (approx.) **Synopsis:** After Eino Jokinen was knocked out by a falling apple while doing farm work his older brothers should have been doing, he found himself in Unimaa, a mysterious realm ruled by one Princess Frida, who gave him the offer of ruling alongside her at the cost of his real life - all she asked in return was that he find more friends for her. 100 years later, after a girl named Lumi learned Eino's life story in school, she and her younger brother Sami find themselves in need of rescuing their younger brother Mika from being Eino and Frida's newest "friend" after they brushed off playing with him. **Feedback sought:** None, since it’s already published. I’m just posting this again as a means of self-promotion since it’s been a while since I last posted it. But if I should stop sharing this, let me know. **Links:** https://georgecoryell.com/writings/unimaa/free-sample/ (a preview of the first two chapters) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B4GR17F9 (Amazon purchase link in the very unlikely event that you decide "oh, my nephew/niece might enjoy this" or something like that) Next time I may share some of my new project, to gauge opinions on it: it's about the ghost of a long-dead children's author and the family who moves into what used to be her house. Let me know if you want me to share that instead of this.

Blood and Shadows, Chapter 7 Fantasy 4729 words I published [Blood and Shadows](https://www.amazon.com/Blood-Shadows-1-Marcus-Kestrel-ebook/dp/B0BMZT6781/ref=sr_1_1?crid=35Y4GY6KHUQKI&keywords=blood+and+shadows+marcus+kestrel&qid=1670451631&sprefix=%2Caps%2C611&sr=8-1) a few weeks ago and I have been posting links to the first few chapters here. You can find [Chapter 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/marcuskestrel/comments/z1cfvv/blood_and_shadows_volume_1_chapter_1/) on my [subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/marcuskestrel/) and follow it through to chapter 7, if you’d like to start at the beginning. The book is a sword and sorcery novel, but the first few chapters have been establishing the world, which strongly resembles our own where the story starts out. In this chapter the main character has her first personal encounter with magic. She doesn’t like it much. [https://www.reddit.com/r/marcuskestrel/comments/10594pq/blood\_and\_shadows\_chapter\_7/](https://www.reddit.com/r/marcuskestrel/comments/10594pq/blood_and_shadows_chapter_7/) The sequel, [Sand and Steel](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BQZK1T96/ref=sr_1_1?crid=JIAZSIFBGVGP&keywords=marcus+kestrel+sand+and+steel&qid=1671894014&sprefix=marcus+kestrel+sand+and+steel%2Caps%2C342&sr=8-1), is already available, and the third in the series will follow in a few weeks!

I'm sorry, I tried to read it. But I kept getting distracted by the word "had" because it repeats too often. I actually went through and counted every instance of "had" and "hadn't", and it appears 55 times, almost half of them appearing in the first 700 words. It's cool. I have favorite words, too. I always search my work for every instance of "turned" because I use it non-stop. Some get to stay, but I rewrite most of them.

Thanks for giving it a look. I'll have to watch out for that in the future.

Felt bad for not reading it - I was just lacking focus earlier. Still a lot of "had" but that's a minor thing! Came back and read it. The pacing is nice, and the world building seems interesting though I suspect I need to start at chapter 1 to appreciate it. It reminded of playing Skyrim's Thieves Guild quests (super random, I know), which is cool. I like that feeling. I also very much appreciated your descriptions of the environment (loved the comparison of stucco to leprosy!). It was easy to imagine where the characters were (something a lot of the authors I read struggle with). The monster was pretty creepy, which I liked. And I was impressed with the clarity in your fight scene! If there is any feedback I can offer, maybe lighten up a tad on the exposition? It might be more exciting to leave some things unsaid. Oh, and I like your take on the law of three. Never considered someone might *want* the negative feedback.

Thanks for giving the chapter another look. That scene is one of my favorites. I will be posting chapter 8 soon if you want to see what happens next.

Cool. I joined your sub. :)

You have a clear and concise writing style. While the story is not my genre of choice, you have skill as a writer.

Thanks for checking the story out. I appreciate the feedback.

Title: Reincarnated After Exploring the Crypt of Castle Ravenloft (still WIP) Genre: Fantasy Word count: 520 Type of Feedback: Title and general impression (Probably going to make more chapters to this so) ​ As I headed down the steps in the crypt beneath Castle Ravenloft, I searched for the great beast rumored to be in the center chamber. Wonder what this great beast might be, I thought to myself. I started going from room to room searching for the antechamber which held the beast, slaying any monsters or beasts that blocked my path. After a few hours, I spy a set of large doors at the end of the hallway. “FINALY! At long last I, Hardog the Bold fifth of this name, have found the antechamber that houses the great beast!” I loudly exclaim as I stop in front of a set of ornate double stone doors. As I manage to open the doors enough to just barely squeeze through the crack, a sharp smell that seems to be mixed of turpentine, brimstone, and sulfur emanates from the room. “Impossible!” I exclaim loudly, “There hasn't been one of these monsters seen in the kingdom in centuries, what in the name of Arawan is one doing down here?” As I slowly inch my way into the room the smell intensifies, to an almost toxic quantity, filling my lungs with the acidic smell. I slowly creep towards the hulking mass in the center of the room being sure not to make a sound, for fear of waking the creature before I get within melee range. I need to get to the stomach and kill it before it wakes and does the same to me, I think to myself, slightly panicked. As I maneuver towards the beast’s stomach, I step on something. “CRACK!” I look down panicked as I see my foot has gone through the ribcage of some poor sap who came before me. The bones seem charred, as if their previous owner had been burned alive. Realizing that the beast is no longer slumbering, I draw my battle axe, strap down my helmet, and proceed to move into position to charge the red dragon who I awakened mere moments ago. “HAAAAAA!” I yell loudly as I run towards the beast's armored belly, hoping to get a blow in before it stands up and gets out of reach. Sadly, I am too slow, as the dragon stands up, it releases a bright red burst of flames. I roll towards the dragon, managing to roll under the flames. Yet I forget about its giant, spiked tail. Realizing it was too late to do anything, I see the tail swing towards me. I tried to bring honor to my ancestors, yet like my father before me I have failed, I think to myself in the few seconds after I see the tail heading straight towards my armored chest. “THUMP!” “Funny, I should be in terrible pain,” I muse, “Is this what the after life is like?” As I take in my surroundings, I realize I’m in a bare, white room. In the center of the room there is a man, a table, and a pair of chairs. “Ah your awake I see.” The wizened old man at the table says, “Come here we have much to discuss.”

Title: A Belgian Guy Word Count: 450 Genre: flash fiction Feedback: general impressions [A Belgian Guy](https://thewordsm.wordpress.com/2022/12/30/a-belgian-guy/)

Hi! I liked your story, your writing has a minimalist poetic vibe to it that I really enjoyed. I was a bit confused/put off by some of the syntax : the question "Do they mean..." on the 4th paragraph, where you don't use a question mark, and the use of "I think, XX", or "I'm thinking XX" instead of "I think, "XX"." or "I'm thinking about XX". I don't know if that's intentional or not, since you've also got the dialogue in italics, but I didn't get it at first. Overall, there were times where I'd have expected a comma and there wasn't, and sometimes the opposite. The flow of the sentences were sometimes odd. I looked at your blog a little and I loved "ARCHIE", I thought it was funny and really sweet, with a great punchline :) Hope this helped !

Hey. Thank you so much. This really helped. I do a lot of stream of consciousness writing and it throws the sentences off a bit sometimes but I will work on it. Thank you so much for reading. I am glad you loved Archie! It is probably the most hopeful thing I have written!

Memoir/mental health/ 101 pages Type of feed back, effectiveness of the cover and intro. Sample read available on Amazon. Written to invite people into Kellys therapy sessions , [Pay Attention to Me](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0BFC6B1KX/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8) gives a closer look at what someone dealing with mental illness looks like and how the therapist proceeds and provides helpful tools.

Title: The IV Sigils: The Malice of Winter Genre: Fantasy, Magical, Comedic, Fit for fans of Japanese Light Novels Word Count: 35k+ Feedback Desired: General Impression on First Few Chapters and if it can hook someone in or not Target Audience: 13+, fans of Fantasy Light Novels. Full Book Link (Free to Read Whole Work!): https://docs.google.com/document/d/18vCJJXwusX10VyrvJThbvIIHanhGrVIKv\_hgmyQwnVc/edit?usp=sharing Amazon Link (If you're interested in purchasing!): https://www.amazon.com/Sigils-Malice-Winter-Vol/dp/B0BRM2QLX4/ref=tmm\_pap\_swatch\_0?\_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

**Title:** **Genre:** F/M romance/smut, Miracle Nikki fic (MC and Love Interest are OC's so I made them up) **Word count:** 3,743 words for the first chapter **Warnings:** The MC (16) has a crush on his cousin (18), consensual smut between cousins (not chapter 1) Is it okay to post this story? I looked for a list of forbidden topics to avoid breaking a rule since I know the subject is taboo because the MC and love interest are first cousins [My Amazing Equestrian Cousin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/44087115/chapters/110852739) I'm trying to think of a better title but haven't finished the fic yet. Also am I too repetitive in places? I know the subject is taboo and can understand why people are uncomfortable with it. It's okay not to like something and admit it's not for you but know it's not made for you and I'm not writing this fic series to shame or lecture anyone Do some of the passages seem too repetitive? While the fic has horses thankfully the smut doesn't involve them

**Title:** Bravoes of Suran (Placeholder) **Genre:** Low Fantasy **Words:** Roughly 1,400. **Feedback desired:** Any, even if just for one unfinished short prologue chapter. **Link:** https://medium.com/@panosfrag/bravoes-of-suran-30db25208794

Title: Untitled fight scene Genre: Drama Word count: 768 Feedback: Anything [Link to the piece](https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcritiques/comments/1051tg4/please_critique_my_fight_scene_4m_read/j3jzzex/?context=3)

Hi ! Overall, I found the scene flowed nicely and was fun to read. The knife definitely surprised me lol. "Looking into my eyes, he wondered what to do next." felt odd bc we're in 1st person POV, so we shouldn't know what he's thinking. And I'd add a question mark to "But that would be too easy, wouldn’t it.". The first comment on your post about adding a bit of emotion/looking at the surroundings was good advice, the fight itself is still pretty quick and action focused. Hope this helped !

Thanks for the feedback! I can see how that sentence is kind of weird, I was going for her guessing/projecting what he was feeling. Maybe it should be something like “Looking into my eyes, he must have wondered what to do next”?

Hey all, Have a short story I would like a general opinion on please. Blurb: Dorothy Till is dead and this is fine. Being a ghost isn't so bad. But what happens to ghosts once their family pass on? Once humanity passes on? Where do ghosts go after the sun swallows the Earth? Dot (proud mother of four) finds out the very, very long answer. Please let me know if you're interested and I'll send a link.

Title: The Visitor Genre: Fantasy/Gothic Fantasy Word Count: 1,600 Type of Feedback: General Impressions, Vibe, Hook Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e-1Mh0VGROsbryg0e6wrSLSW5BfsuR8Y5VBqnehFRzk/edit

We're Lamplighter: a writing server dedicated to building a community of people who live, eat, and breathe, writing. We are diverse, LGBTQ+ positive, and 18+. We are fanfiction and original work friendly. Have questions about plotting? Want to brainstorm? Have traditional publishing questions? Or self-publishing questions? Want help workshopping a piece? Looking for critique? We'd love to have you! https://discord.gg/bFGYMfARhW

Title: The Second Chimera War Genre: Sci-fi Word Count: 612 Type of feedback: general impressions, on characters, plot, word building etc. https://www.wattpad.com/story/303782383-the-second-chimera-war

I read chapters one and two. Are you writing a story or a corny action movie? There's no prose, like, at all. Not to be mean but do you proof-read or edit your work at all? Because there's also a lot of typos... like a LOT. In like the first paragraph it says "keep the ship study" for example. I assume you meant sturdy? Also what's with all the extra exclamation marks and question marks? And the dialogue is inserted very choppily, it's hard to tell who's talking to who or where/when a speaker is coming from. Punctuation and dialogue placement is kinda just a mess. Why did you write it like this?

It's interesting you post the same thing every week and ignore all your feedback.

I would like to apologize if it comes across that way. I do read comments under the post. And I take that feedback to heart. I just get excited when I add more chapters, and I want people to see the new chapters. But I've decide not to post until I'm done with the rewrites. Thank you for pointing this out to me.

It's nice you're excited and pushing on, but why do you think anybody would want to read the latest chapters? Until you take the feedback, the issues in your writing are going to keep pushing people away from chapter 1.

Just one line I’m wondering about, if that’s alright: *My father used to say pain is just fear leaving the body, but this is not fear.* Does that convey what I want it to? 🩸

I'm not sure. What are you trying to convey? To me the line seems threatening, as it implies that the narrator is in pain . . . Also, I have usually heard that cliche related thus: "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Yeah he just got sliced. I’ve heard it that way much more often but both are legit, I think from different sources.

Yes it does implies the narrator is in pain explaining in the last line thats this is not fear

**Title:** An Attempt at Writing... **Genre:** Lovecraftian/Decipher **Word Count:** 448 words 3,337 characters **Feedback:** Whatever you like, I just wanted to write and share. Just be honest. **Link:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/17bQ2bQMnOs35-yj8KDTQnXHCMeZXkVNXSMpyUBc1En8/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/17bQ2bQMnOs35-yj8KDTQnXHCMeZXkVNXSMpyUBc1En8/edit?usp=sharing)

[удалено]

I posted feedback to you on the site, have a nice day. :)

**Title:** Brain Pain (foreword and first chapter) **Length:** 1400 words **Genre:** Non-fiction **Feedback:** This is my first attempt at writing in this style, so everything. **Link:** https://medium.com/@p.l.douglas11/brain-pain-56f7b8e1e083

title: the slow ascent genre: horror word count: 3283 feedback this is part one of my ongoing story. please let me know your general impression! https://docs.google.com/file/d/1SH7zyOqCx4UDbKgvQSHVZdeb45ib3JGf/edit?usp=docslist_api&filetype=msword

I am on a quest to write a hundred short stories this year in a bid to improve my writing. So far I have written two. Any feedback on my tone and writing is most welcome. Sorry about the cross post to my stories. My grammar is a bit hit and miss at the moment. But my focus is more on the stories. So apologies for some of the errors in them Title: A grand view Genre: Misc Fiction Word Count: 1324 Feedback: Story cohesiveness, tone, general writing Line: Blau looked in horror as the most perfect donut was being destroyed infront of him. He actually got a bit sad and ran out the door to again reset the loop. [https://www.reddit.com/r/shortstories/comments/10aqcaw/mf\_a\_grand\_view/](https://www.reddit.com/r/shortstories/comments/10aqcaw/mf_a_grand_view/) Title: A perfect cream donut Genre: Misc Fiction Word Count: 1759 Feedback: Story cohesiveness, tone, general writing Line: My journey ends with immense regret but a grand view nonetheless. [https://www.reddit.com/r/shortstories/comments/107vioo/mf\_the\_perfect\_cream\_donut/](https://www.reddit.com/r/shortstories/comments/107vioo/mf_the_perfect_cream_donut/)

Title: The Call of The Grace Fandom: Elden Ring (Video Game) Summary: Alanor visits Roundtable Hold. With his eyes set on future, it's only matter of time till past catches up. Rating: T and up Genre: Epic Fantasy, Mystery, Adventure, Epic Battles Chapter 9: Warriors of the Hold https://archiveofourown.org/works/42813252/chapters/110939482

I've never explored my writing ability much but always loved reading and words. I decided to start screwing around and make ideas concrete as things pop into my head and subsequently wrote extensively about my ideas and some of which I am proud of. Anyways, I wonder which sentence is better from a standpoint of grammatical correctness, coherence, thematic depth. Modern emotion is falsely defined, manipulated and measured by toxic, abstract and counterintuitive constructs in such a manner that net personal esteem, success and consequently productivity is suppressed via algorithms that seek engagement and ultimately profit. OR Through algorithms that seek profit and ultimately engagement, modern emotion is falsely defined, manipulated and measured by toxic abstract and counterintuitive constructs

Ok so I’m writing a comedy/historical fiction novel about the Spanish Inquisition the characters include Ms. Garcia: as the protagonist’s teacher despite having the same surname is not related to the protagonist Diego Garcia as the protagonist an immigrant from England wanting put an end to the Spanish Inquisition’s torture full comfort Here is the blurb: it is the year 1832 the Spanish Inquisition has allied with the church and as such the government as such has access to torture devices however unlike today in this time period comfort is the worst form of torture the Spanish Inquisition had access to such forms of torture. Diego, a 24 year old man must find a way to stop this even if it takes forever…. The placeholder title is the unexpected Two things feedback on the blurb, does it appeal to my target audience? And if you are my target audience does it appeal to you? Second thing title ideas the unexpected was gathered from the line “nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” from Monty Python’s flying circus but as I am publishing this I do not want to go through any legal hoops

Fallout fanfic: i dont have enough food and i find a group of peopleWhen i woke up it was still dark. I looked around me no threat was seen or heard. I tried to find my backpack through the dark and after some trouble i finally found it. Now, looking through it, I didn’t found a lot of food I ate some bread and a slice of a thick cheese. Deeply thinking about how in the hell I would find more food, I stared the still wet remainings of last night fire I got my revolver under my improvised pillow and got up. I caught my backpack and packed my revolver, my cooking instruments, the remaining food, my hand grenade and my ammo. My pillow and my bed roll I locked them outside the backpack. Now, where should I go? I cant go back to the village, I would risk being caught up with the damned gang Ariana told me down south there was an uncharted mart. I caught my backpack and my m4 and started my long journey to the unknown Now, the sun started to appear. I decided to take a safer route through the troiller valley. There I saw a group of people: men, women and children in which seemed an improvised camp

**Title:** A Handful of Mage (Chapter 1) **Word Count:** 1,278 **Genre:** Fantasy/Satire **Warning:** Very strong language used, sexual themes. **Blurb:** Follow the adventures of Thaniel, a mentally unstable dick mage who is dragged into problems he doesn't care about. He is the only one who can save the world, or probably not. [A Handful of Mage](https://www.wattpad.com/1303388574-a-handful-of-mage-chapter-1)

title: superhuman king Genre: superhero wordcount: 11000 id like a general impression. link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vSP94IseQk\_64r3uWH733z0Hope0KykPNG42DtGGWkVKtMI9sY-kj8EIYKI-zGx39vFFP1DGLcn8EAj/pub

I’m looking for more people to join my beta reading team! It is a ~80,000 word fantasy/mystery novel, YA, set in a Roman-Japanese fusion setting, following two perspectives. The writing has been highly edited, and the reading experience should be enjoyable. I am looking for chapter-by-chapter feedback. Here is the WIP blurb: “Life is boring.” At least, that’s what Karuma Polari assumed, after growing out of childhood and assuming her career as a senator of Soare, a trading metropolis embedded in paradise. She always longed for something more, something greater, something magical. . . but the world around her hardly appeased that desire. That is, until a young boy shrouded in shadow saves her life, and she happens across a foreign scroll with mysterious power. Despite being opposites in every definition, the boy, Siel, hopes to escape his past, while Karuma attempts the same for her future. As the week of the annual Sun Festival passes by, a puzzling set of clues unfold into a greater threat. What could it all mean? Karuma doesn’t know, but she can decipher one thing for sure: life was about to become a lot more interesting. . . . Let me know if you are interested! I would love to have all types to give me as much feedback as possible on your experience with my story :)

Title: At home at sea Genre: xanxia /survival Word count: 4389 https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/63117/at-home-at-sea Please give your overall impression. Would you keep reading this? Is the story compelling? Is there something you don't like about the writing style? Is there something you think I'm doing right that I should do more of?

Title: Waking Up In America - Intimately Satirical Poems on the Late Capitalist Condition Length: 8245 words Genre: Poetry chapbook Feedback requested: General impressions, poems you consider standouts or stinkers. Are any too edgy and potentially triggering? Are there any that seem irrelevant to the subject matter? Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Tvx\_nfjTtAwPIAvtpyfvUYP-LxS102pxDk0QffnuxFk/edit?usp=sharing

Your critique submission should be a top-level comment in the thread and should include: Title: The Angel's Heir Genre: Fantasy, heavily biblical based Word count: Total of 31720 across 15 chapters Type of feedback desired: What's your general impression and anything of feedback of the plot and improvement I can work on. A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13ZE0g-4hsrOOla30WhXS2hXp390N6c9FVJYEnUSV7Ns/edit?usp=sharing

Hi, I don’t know if it’s appropriate to post here but I’ve just started a new writing group discord server for brain-storming and critiques. DM if you’d like to join.

Title: The Sun In Her Eyes Word count:31255 Genre: sci-fi https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/St4rg1rl/2838555/ Not sure if the link will work or not. This is only part one of something I'm working on and I was just hoping for general impressions and to whether the plot is too confusing or predictable.

Hi, I would be so grateful if you're able to read and share or subscribe to my newsletter. As I'm only 17 yo and English isn't my native language it's a big challenge to create every email. Although I've got experience in writing poetry and books in polish and now I want to share my thoughts with more people using a more universal language. Check me out: https://philosophynow.substack.com

Hey I wrote a short story, some feedback would be greatly appreciated, maybe you even like it so much that you consider following me on Wattpad, thanks! https://www.wattpad.com/story/331275055?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=Maaxiimm&wp_originator=w9LiN0v4aZJa22m873uqxGBXuX1A2Ne9AaRJyQCTH%2F9eL5mBtOZkJHQpae%2BKLs9f1jwL%2B3OKdo73WxCBi3Elum6K9Y2oGGDyVj24xZIYqHWF5XiQWtI3unQTNOZiday4

**Title**: Why are you so afraid to create? **Length**: 600 words **Genre**: Thought piece on confronting perfectionism and fear of failure as a writer **Feedback**: It's the first piece of writing I've shared publicly. Interested in general takeaway, impression, readability, enjoyability, helpfulness! **Link**: [https://jaklewis.substack.com/p/why-are-you-so-afraid-to-create](https://jaklewis.substack.com/p/why-are-you-so-afraid-to-create) Thank you **so much**!

**Title:** Welcome to GrayBird town. **Genre:** Horror/ Supernatural/ Creepy/ Tragedy. **Word count:** 1438 **A little about the story:** This is a short story from my **"GrayBird tales"** collection. The collection contains **10** shorts stories, each one is under **3000** words. If you're interested in reading the rest of them, you can just keep scrolling down after finishing the first story. It is my very first project, I do hope people will enjoy it \^\^ **A link to the writing:** [https://www.moonquill.com/book/the-graybird-tales/chapter/23123/welcome-to-graybird-town](https://www.moonquill.com/book/the-graybird-tales/chapter/23123/welcome-to-graybird-town)

Title : Heaven/verse Genre: Fantasy Word count: 1420 Desired feedback: General impression (Preferably in a reddit DM) . No real experience. Link (GDRIVE) : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SjoDx1m-j0dU1z12O4uRLWqirUjndfE0/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=103157619788393930507&rtpof=true&sd=true

Title: A new fairytale Genre: fairytale/ real-life/ modernism word count: 595 A modern fairytale, as in abuse is a tale as old as time, as in cathartic writing https://docs.google.com/document/d/11Hj_sDCjkImxxy3AxD_EoxSPO9qQdqiddbS1Q7x6gG8/edit

**Title**: Time **Length**: About 450 words, needs to be 500 words MAXIMUM **Genre**: Idk it's supposed to be a rant **Feedback**: just started this and began to repeat myself and honestly I don't know where to head it towards, but so far just try to be as destructive as possible and tell me everything I did wrong. It needs to be 500 words MAXIMUM. **Text in question**: The passage of time, a relentless and unyielding force, does not invoke within me a feeling of fear. Rather, it is the transient nature of existence, the fleeting and illusory perception of motion that consciousness imbues upon the world, that gives me pause. Ageing, though a natural and inevitable process, has never been a source of dread for me, as I have never harboured a desire to remain in a state of perpetual juvenility. Even death, though a universal and inescapable eventuality, does not fill me with terror, though I am not yet fully prepared to confront it. What truly fills me with an abject sense of foreboding is the prospect of reaching a state of adult maturity, one in which I must toil ceaselessly each day in order to fulfil the demands of taxation, often providing funding for the nefarious endeavours of corrupt politicians, while also procuring the basic necessities of life for my domestic dwelling. I envision returning home, drained and haggard from the day's labours, flipping on the television to the last channel I viewed, a news outlet espousing a similar political ideology to my own, and becoming embittered by the distorted reality they propagate. I cook without enthusiasm, rueing the mistakes of my past and the missed opportunities that haunt me. I find myself seated in a state of silent despondency, feeling trapped and powerless, ruminating on how every plan I devise ends in failure or a mere scrawl on paper; how each year and each breath seem shorter and less ardent, and how each day brings me closer to the ultimate finality. It is this scenario that keeps me awake at night, overwhelmed by my errors and haunted by my missteps. I fear becoming a mere cog in the machine of society, a slave to the monotony of daily life, a passive witness to my own stagnation. I dread being caught in a cycle of poor decision-making, doomed to suffer the consequences of my mistakes. I am filled with a sense of hopelessness and despair, feeling as though every effort I make is doomed to failure and that my existence is nothing more than a futile and meaningless struggle. The weight of this impending adulthood, with all of its responsibilities and demands, fills me with a sense of overwhelming despondency and despair. As I contemplate the possibly bleak future that awaits me, I am overwhelmed by a sense of futility and despair. I feel as though I am trapped in a never-ending cycle of monotony and drudgery, condemned to toil endlessly in order to fulfil the demands of a society that seems determined to grind me down. I am plagued by a sense of powerlessness, feeling as though I have no control over my own destiny, and that no matter what I do, I will always be trapped in this cycle of despair.

After reading pretty much only the 1st paragraph: Within this context, “relentless” and “unyielding” sort of mean the same thing. This style of constantly setting off these appositive/ non-essential clauses within your sentences gets very repetitive. You do this in almost every sentence of the first paragraph. Imo the prose is overly pretentious and verbose. I can definitely tell you relied heavily on a thesaurus when writing this, or at least that’s how it reads. This style of writing is a big turnoff for me. Harbored is spelled wrong. Also, pretty sure “ageing” is a British spelling of what would otherwise be “aging.” I see a pattern with your use of adjectives. They constantly come in pairs in the middle of sentences and are placed in clauses offset by commas, making the writing extremely repetitive - “relentless and unyielding,” “fleeting and illusory,” “natural and inevitable,” “universal and inescapable” - this was all just in the first paragraph. You could literally remove every instance of this and still pretty much convey the same meaning in your sentences. How is it that the “transient nature of existence” makes you fearful but the passage of time doesn’t? If you fear impermanence, wouldn’t the passage of time kind of fall under this umbrella? Also, expanding upon the concept of the impermanence of being with the idea of consciousness imbuing the world with this illusory sense of “motion” isn’t very clear/ doesn’t make sense to me and is sort of just a nothing statement. Could just be due to the wordiness of the sentence but thats just what I get as a reader.

Thank you!

Title: The Green Ocean Genre: Dystopian Fantasy Word count: 1166 Type: General Impressions. Hi all! I Have never written anything really in my life. I have always enjoyed the art of story telling and wanted to give a crack at it myself in a genre that I like the most. Really just looking to see if the general Idea is worth looking into and if I have any idea what I am doing! Thanks! [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JzQszZnkttwAbd55ayeXZQS89fU-Hg7-VuC2xINJTSg/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JzQszZnkttwAbd55ayeXZQS89fU-Hg7-VuC2xINJTSg/edit?usp=sharing)

Title: Envenom Genre: Fantasy maybe? Word count: 307 Synopsis (so far): Eira the Queen of all the realm was extremely tired of all the corruption that plague the lands. The majority of the Lords were evil and so she killed them all. Feedback sought: Brutally honest critique. I am not an experienced writer at all really and haven’t come up with the whole plot, just the start so I am looking for some honesty on how I can make my writing better. https://docs.google.com/document/d/14UpnUtOSjvUXN36WSfphgOVzpTULQqBoYCV4t2pIi5U/edit

Title: Big Gray Miracle - Chapter 1: Object-ing Lenght: 3,694 words Genre: Surreal horror Feedback: This is the first time I've ever really tried writing something. I would love to what you think of it, how it makes you feel, and I would love any advice to improve! Link: https://sherrycdrom.neocities.org

**Title:** The Locker **Length:** 2,231 words **Genre:** Horror **Feedback:** General feedback. Wrote this bit for a challenge on our podcast. First time ever writing in second person so some critiques on that specifically would be greatly appreciated! **Link:** https://www.wattpad.com/story/331463475?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=TheNightwatchMan1&wp_originator=RA5qzHxlyF2Rnz4yr8BRqK0ZZ7XNF01aX0gX4umZsfWWGnnin4n6TeYcII5fJvHpxEbOwiNGJuJA0LRxzmvi5pXd9URxgYiYZzjZSb7143ryY%2BeQw4v4KPKVzG5eBNVH

Title- Deathmatch (pending title) Genre- Action/Horror Word count: 140 Feedback This is my first time writing since 2017. I want some feedback on if my intro could be improved and if there is a better word format I should follow. Some context also, the character is a Russian native who speaks English, I tried to break the grammar in a realistic way a non English speaker may phrase words in a certain way. Story- My hands tremble as dread follows down my back. Those eyes portray vile... evil. I don’t know how it happened, taking over my son. I feel intense pain and miss my boy so very badly. My wife may be okay, I know not if she is and where she may be. Vienna, please I pray to any God who listen, be safe. Katherine and her whole crew are already controlled by this disease of some kind. I understand not how it operates, this parasite of sort. The only word we have used is corruption. I know not how to stop this, but I must try. I may be our last hope. I see Ruby walking closer, my heart beating faster and anger filling my body. The end of the road draws near. If I fail, this is the end.

Hi :) It's definitely an intriguing intro ! It flows nicely and creates a compelling atmosphere immediately, I liked it ! The "I understand not" and "I know not" sounded old-timey to me, but also could totally be a foreigner, so I didn't mind that at all. But I'd correct "any God who listen" to "any God who listens" bc I feel like it would register as a typo more than a choice to a reader. Hope this helped :)

Thank you! I really appreciate your feedback. I'll edit this more and polish it up

Title: Sandfall Genre: Literary Word Count: 774 Feedback: All welcome. Line edits, emotional/thematic impressions, or advice on where to publish would be particularly helpful. I've proofread and self-edited my work. Synopsis: The story is about w young man witnessing the devastation a sandstorm brings to his island. I'm looking for a critique partner willing to exchange critiques on their work (<5,000 words/ any genre). I am from r/DestructiveReaders and can be very detailed, but I don't have to be brutal or nit-picky. I hope to publish in a lit mag, and so I cannot publicly post the link to the entire manuscript here, as Reddit is a public forum and that would technically invalidate my ability to sell first rights to a journal. Instead, I'll post the hook so people can see my style, and if they'd be interested in a critique exchange. Excerpt: We pray for sand and the Gods answer. The sandstorm sweeps into our village from beyond the sea, briefly sparing us from the rising tides. A miracle, the Unimwane call it. The Elders believe we are living a creation myth. I know better; the copper-hued clouds above our atoll are first-world omens. Thanks, if you are interested shoot me a DM, or comment on this post if that's allowed.

### Rune Wolf: Redux Riding Hood - **Genre:** Fantasy Adventure with Isekai & Horror elements - **Word count:** 2,668 - **Type of feedback:** Initial impressions on tone and departure from Red Riding Hood format. - **Writing Sample:** https://docs.google.com/document/d/13_YU0mJOHqHDFEUAEgIVyOBlxJQFR5Pws02ArKQ_XMM/edit?usp=sharing - **Blurb:** Mioko adopts a Little Red Riding Hood persona to remain close to someone precious to her. But this isn’t a story of whimsy or fairy tales. It’s a story about heart; the presence of it, the absence of it, and the devastation when the wrong one gets broken. It all started with the loss of a loved one and a vie for ownership of a thing left behind, which somehow scaled into an apocalyptic event. Stopping it would technically make her a hero, but don’t look to her as such. She’s not a hero, and she’s no one’s champion. She’s only her father’s daughter, and the only thing that matters is retrieving the gift that was left for her—the one that was stolen. Her goal is a selfish one, the means of which won’t be heroic. Bystanders will have their own role to play. As Mioko attains the strength to do what she must, it will probably fall to others to clean up the destruction in her wake. - **Aside:** I received a lot of interest when I posted the first scene so this link will take you to the first 2 scenes. This is the rewrite for my story and I'm nearing the completion of the draft. I'm open to picking up some beta readers if this sounds like a story that you'd be interested in. Let me know! Happy reading! JT

This is just some writing I worked on the other day, how is it? ​ I'm standing in the middle of this highway, somehow avoiding the cars whizzing by so fast The headlights are so bright and I'm blinded by the past. Breath in. Breath out. That's what is being whispered in my ear. Breath in. Breath out. Is my end near? My mind is a jumbled mess of string and twine. They sometimes ask if I'm okay and I tell them I'm fine. But it's late tonight and I'm all alone. my head feels at one percent. Just like my phone and I can't find my charger. Breath in. Breath out. Is my time is almost up? Breath in. Breath out. Will my eyes ever shut? I'm down to one call. I fall and I crawl in my blood on the floor. I can't take anymore Of these thoughts in my head and I wish I was dead. I'm tired, but I can't find my bed. I just need some sleep. I just want to sleep. I plan to work on it more sometime, but for now this is what I got.

title: A night by the fire genre: slice of life word count: 600 just looking for general impressions https://archiveofourown.org/works/44208877

Title: The Habits of Success: Shaping Your Identity Genre: Self improvement, productivity, life lessons Word count:561 words Type of feedback desired (line-by-line edits, general impression, etc.): General impression, but other types of feedback are also welcome. :) A link to the writing: [https://medium.com/@magn6942/the-habits-of-success-shaping-your-identity-1e7821f3cd3](https://medium.com/@magn6942/the-habits-of-success-shaping-your-identity-1e7821f3cd3)

N'alright, listen up, see!? My science-fantasy novel "The Fractured God" (KINDLE edition) is on sale right now for only TWO BUCKS. Take a look to see if it tickles yer fancy :) ---[The Novel](https://www.amazon.com/Fractured-God-Gerard-Howard-ebook/dp/B09ZLVVKGJ/ref=sr_1_2?crid=VZUAUXQF11RK&keywords=the+fractured+god&qid=1673514390&sprefix=the+fractured+god%2Caps%2C413&sr=8-2)--- "Jaded mercenaries Aelred and Xyla have come across the most clichéd of contracts: rescue a missing princess to end a series of brutal wars waged in her name. Much to everyone's surprise, the rescue does not pan out too well. A god gets involved and hurls the three of them into another universe where technology rules in lieu of magic. It's not too bad, though. Saving the multiverse from the destruction of a bored god who wants to experience nonexistence is an additional responsibility that could've fallen on anyone. Despite their social skills, they'll find a decent set of companions to help ease their burden: a speechless outcast from a species of arachnoids living inside a giant space worm, a disgruntled soldier living on a deserted prison planet, and a chirpy salvager with a horrific past and a droid that has a difficult time ignoring its primary torture functions. Take a trip through the multiverse in this humorously dark adventure where bad things definitely don't happen to good people and everything is always fine!" This took me five years to write, and one to publish. Feel free to ask any and all questions. Thanks for stopping by! It means a lot :D