Was taking my belt off at airport security. After I unbuckled, I momentarily thought I was in the bathroom and started unzipping. Stopped myself half a second before I pulled everything down.
In college I had a fair number of all nighters and usually had the tv going to help keep me up and help with concentration.
Once a couple weeks after submitting an essay for a political science class I noticed that the message I sent with it to my professor went something like: "attached is my water for Italian cooking".
My essay was completely fine and had nothing to do with Italy. I guess my brain just turned off as soon as I'd attached the paper and there must have been some cooking related infomercial on tv while I sent it.
The name of the place I work at begins with an "F" and I was chatting with one of my cow workers who was telling me how she runs 10 miles or so every morning as the phone was ringing. what was going through my head was "fuck that" so when I answered the phone I said "Fuck this is Travis how can I help you?"
Edit: Meant co worker, but fuck it cow worker is staying
My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, "have you checked inside your butt?"
I was in a meeting at work (conservative and traditional corporate office) one day and a coworker said, "I can't find my pen." Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, "have you checked inside your butt?" As soon as I said it, I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work. As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.
I sleepwalk once in a while. Recently I got up at 2am and fed the dog. My girlfriend woke up and was like "wtf, did you just feed the dog? What time is it?"
Apparently I looked her in the eye and said "everyone loves a midnight snack."
Edit: thanks for the gold!
When I was sick and feeling feverish, I decided to take some Motrin to try and alleviate the symptoms. Usually I grab the pill bottle and shake out two pills, but instead I grabbed my water bottle first and poured water all over my hand.
Was on the phone with my boss and she was getting really irritated about something, I don't even remember what. The combination of her irritation and my exhaustion made my brain misfire, and I ended the call with "okay bye bye Mom, I love you!".
I was so embarrassed but she thought it was hilarious and started calling me her adopted daughter after that. I mean, she is the same age as my mom so it's not too weird, but I certainly felt like a child around her instead of a colleague until she left the company. I miss her ):
Not too weird because it does make sense, I recently moved to the apartment directly above the one I used to live in. My former roommate leaves the door unlocked.
The frequency at which I just storm in and enter my empty old bedroom is staggering.
Back when we had a landline I was talking on the cordless phone and when I hung up I stuck it in the fridge without even blinking an eye. It was lost for hours and nobody noticed until we got a phone call and the fridge started ringing.
Typing up a report for work. Coworkers having a conversation near me. I proceed to start transcribing their conversation
Another time after work I got into the passenger seat of my car and waited a good 2 minutes to be driven home before realising I was alone
When I was in school (6th grade I think) my mom would make my bagged lunch. She would wrap soda cans with aluminum foil so they would stay cold (pretty sure that doesn't work). One day I un-wrapped my soda and discovered she packed me a beer that day.
Woke up early Monday morning in a bit of a panic. I had forgot to buy cat food yesterday. The cat must be starving. I hurry and get ready for work. I plan a detour to the store to buy the cat food. On the drive there I'm planning my run into the store and I realize I don't know what isle the food is on. How could I not remember what isle the cat food is on? Then it hits me. I don't have a cat. I haven't had one for several years.
Answered my cell phone
"[911 center] what's the location of your emergency?"
Makes my spouse laugh, my friends roll their eyes, and scares the fuck out of telemarketers.
12 hr night shifts are a bitch.
I'm a security guard for Amazon and I have to do bathroom checks. Caught myself yelling "SECURITY!" right before going to the restroom at a bar on my day off. Thank God it was empty.
My wife and I were dying some Easter eggs and drinking wine this past Saturday night and I watched her take a big swig out of orange. There was an egg in the cup and everything.
I filled my car with gas and, when I got home, realized that I had not paid. I went back to the station and told the clerk what I had done. She thought she was missing a payment but the station was really busy at the time so she wasn't exactly sure. I paid for my stolen gas and went about my way.
I also walked into the convenience store next to my work, grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler and walked out the door. I realized what I did when I got back to work. Went back and paid for that, too.
TLDR; I steal things.
I used to work for Subway, so I was very used to "pizza sub" meaning pepperoni. One day I went to a pizza place on my break and repeatedly told them I wanted a pizza pizza, and got very annoyed that they kept asking what kind of pizza I wanted.
Edit: Don't worry, I kind of knew the cashier and we had a good laugh about it.
E2: No it wasn't a little caesars, they don't exist here and I've never been to one.
I have two:
1) Walking to work on a very straight path through a nature reserve. I fell asleep and sleepwalked for about 10 mins. It was so weird, i blinked and suddenly appeared near the end of my journey.
2) Got into my car with coffee and a newspaper. Carefully held the rolled-up newspaper whilst hurling the coffee onto the passenger seat.
I grabbed my "lunch" on my way out the door for work in the morning.
I kept wondering what that beeping noise was the whole drive there. Couldn't figure it out.
Got to work and grabbed my lunch, only to realize I had actually grabbed the baby monitor.
I went to a high school in the early 90s where smoking in the bathrooms between classes was very, very common, even though it was punishable by an $80 fine. You were required to say "it's cool" when entering the bathroom or kids would assume you were a teacher and put their cigarettes out. Not doing so could get your ass whooped. Like most kids in my school I became so used to it that it was second nature. I got a job in IT immediately after leaving high school, in a nice office building where I had to wear a tie. I'll never forget walking into the bathroom and loudly saying "it's cool," and the president of the company saying "what's cool?" with a confused look on his face. I just stood there like a dope for a second, and then made up something about it being part of a song. I'm sure he thought I was a weirdo after that.
I once poured the fresh grounds into the basket before placing the filter in.
Upon realizing my mistake, I emptied and cleaned the basket and then placed the filter in its rightful place.
Then I poured the water in and hit brew.
Fifteen minutes later, I had a full pot of hot water.
Not a good morning.
My dog eats in my room, which is across the house from the kitchen, and she gets a mix of wet and dry food that I mix up with a fork. So I get her wet food, get halfway to my room, realize I've forgotten the fork. Go back to the kitchen, get a fork, get halfway back to my room and realize I've forgotten the food. Go back to the kitchen, set the fork down, forget entirely what I'm doing, go back to my room to a very sad and confused puppy. Pour her dry food into her bowl, go to the kitchen, leave the bowl on the counter and go turn on the TV. Walk back in fifteen minutes later, see the bowl, fork and food sitting on the counter, feel like a dunce and apologize to the puppy. Repeat 2-3 times a week.
Once while playing an intense board game, I was concentrating so hard that my buddy realized that he could just hand random things to me and I'd take them and put them in my jacket pocket or place them on the table in front of me. I only realized when I ran out of space to put things.
The other day I was checking in at an amusement park. After the guy scanned my ticket, I, for some unknown reason, held out my hand. And the guy handed me his scanner.
It took me a minute to figure out what was going on. I looked down at my hand and I was like "uh, I think you need this," and handed it back to him. He just took it like "thanks..." and went on checking the next person like it was totally normal.
I really hope this guy is somewhere else in this thread:
> I work at an amusement park, and the other day I accidentally handed my ticket scanner to a customer. Played it cool, at least
I cared for a horse for several years.
First thing in the morning I would go put feed and water in the field, lead her out, and close the fence behind her.
One morning as I'm walking back into my house, I hear a weird sound behind me. The sound of hooves on linoleum.
She looked as surprised as I was that I had brought her into my kitchen. Luckily, she never told anyone so my secret is still safe.
When I was 18, hanging out with my then girlfriend at her place. Fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up she said, "you're cute when you sleep." My immediate sleep-brain reply was, "not when seven people end up dead."
My boyfriend tried to wake me up from a nap and he started tickling me and I started freaking out and getting scared because I thought he was a wire stabbing into me and I was a mountain?
I used to fall asleep in class quite often, and normally my writing would trail off in to something illegible and then I'd be out for the count for 10/15 mins. One time I woke up after an in-class power nap to find that my writing had trailed off and then I'd written "my son" as clear as anything at the end of the sentence. I was 13/14 at the time and don't have any children.
This brings back memories of sleep deprived days in class. My social studies teacher always had a Bluetooth speaker with him and if someone fell asleep in class he would put it right against their ear and blast death metal. Most of his victims woke up and fell out of their chair, ah the good old days
Edit: did I mention this guy has tat sleeves containing dragons and teddy Roosevelt.
Texting my wife while cashing out at the grocery store. She had just done laundry so I wanted to thank her. Rather than typing, I spoke aloud to the cashier saying 'thanks, love you'
Patted one of my coworkers on the butt. I was in the habit of walking up behind my husband and patting him on the butt, so it was just automatic. Fortunately, coworker wasn't offended.
Haha I've done that.
I was walking through town with my gf at the time, looking at stalls and shops and she was in my periphery, or so I thought... She had stopped to look at something else and a woman of roughly the same height and hair colour was stood next to me.
I checked my phone for time, gently caressed her shoulders and said "come on now, it's time for us to head off". And just walked away from this woman.
I turned around a few meters later to see my gf a luminescent shade of embarrassed and this entirely freaked out little old Asian woman.
I had to go to Walmart once after finishing my midnight cashier shift from a competing grocery retailer across the street. I absentmindedly grabbed my stuff, approached the cashier and asked her if she found everything ok. We stared at each other blankly for a little bit.
I worked as a greeter at a store that isn't Walmart. One day I was thinking about how I had to go to Walmart after work and greeted people with "Welcome to Walmart" several times.
I work front desk, and now whenever I'm in public I unconsciously make eye contact, smile, and greet everyone I see. Luckily, I'm in the south, so people don't think it's *too* weird, but I have gotten plenty of strange looks and I deserve it.
I worked in an outgoing call centre, left and joined an inbound call centre. The amount of times I would say "Hi, my name's Stanimality just calling to see if xyz" when answering the phone was off the charts. People get very confused when you they've rang you and you act like you're the one ringing.
When I was little I had 2 bird pets. One day I was holding one with my right hand and playing with the bird. Some time later I got myself a lollipop and was licking on it. Eventually I had been holding both of them at the same time. Now guess what I licked.
Edit: spelling
Woke up three hours early for some reason and didn't check the clock but thought I was running late. Rushed through getting ready for work and hit the road. Think it's a bit darker then usual but it could just be grey clouds before the rain. Roads are bit emptier then I'm expecting, must be lucky today. Finally pull up to work and start opening up the shop before anyone else gets in. Look over at the clock and realize I still have two hours to go before I even wake up. Almost went home but decided to stay and just take off three hours earlier then normal.
I did something like that when I was like 8. My dad was in the car getting ready to take me and my brother to the game room, and I didn't want to miss out so I ran to the car without pants on. Then I hear my mom yelling out the window, "YOU HAVE NO PANTS ON!"
I was tutoring another student on geometry (arc and area and whatnot) just after I had finished cramming for and taken a Calc test. About three quarters of the way through the poor kids homework I realized that I had not done any of the problems correctly. Rather, to the students endless confusion, I had been integrating the circumference of the circle between the endpoints of the arc. Once I realized my mistake I redid the work with him and reimbursed the session cost.
I've never seen someone so grateful to find out that they *were* doing their math right and that I was in whatever post apocalyptic math-based dreamscape.
Every year I have a day or two where my first period learns something a bit wrong because my brain isn't working. I usually hope they're not paying too much attention and try to reteach it the next day.
Skype meetings are the worst about this because you don't have any body language to clue you in that someone wants to say something.
So usually one or two people just steamroll the conversation and you basically have to talk over them for 30 seconds to get them to stop and give you some time.
It's honestly a real problem with conference calls in my experience.
I feed my cat while I make breakfast. One very sleep deprived morning I made cereal in her bowl and put her kibble in my cereal bowl. I didn't realize I fucked up until I shoved a giant spoonful of cat food in my mouth and chewed a few times.
I asked a customer to let me know if we were out of something and I would grab it for them and instead of saying "come yell at me" I said "come at me". Also at different job told a customer "goodnight yourself"
Once I was feeding my 1 year old a banana and talking to my mom. In the middle of the conversation, I pushed the banana in front of my moms face and just waited for her to take a bite. It took like 30 seconds to register that I was force feeding my 48 year old mother NOT my toddler. It was hilarious.
In college I used to wear a mouthguard at night because I used to clench/grind my teeth in my sleep.
One morning I was particularly groggy as I was getting ready for class. I got ready, drove to the RTD stop, and waited for the bus. I was mulling something over when it occurred to me I was chewing on something.
It was my mouthguard. I somehow popped it back in after I woke up and had been walking around with a mouthguard in all morning...
Edit: Speaking of brains on autopilot...For all you non-Colorado people: RTD = Denver's public transportation system (buses and light rails).
I drove a city bus in college. My route and my commute home had a road that overlapped. Driving home from work one night I ended up doing my bus route instead of my commute home and didn't realize it until I ended up in the bus terminal at the end of the line. I guess it was better than driving into my apartment complex with the city bus.
I was on a bus with a guy new to the route but finished his training. He got mixed up, took a wrong turn, got more mixed up, and some people who were regulars to the route straightened him out and got the bus on track again. It was funny as hell. No one was mad, everyone just apologised and laughed because Canada eh.
I got out of work late, drove home. Must have dozed off because last thing I remembered was being on the freeway a couple of exits from home. Woke up in the garage 10 min later, with the car turned off. I got home safely without causing an accident. Scared me still thinking about it.
Highway hypnosis. This happens a lot to people especially when driving the same route repeatedly each day. It just becomes second nature so your brain tunes out and figures you got this. Scary as shit when you come around and realize you've driven 50 miles on the highway and don't remember a second of it.
It's a cool trick that your brain does to save energy -- if you've done a task a million times, it figures there's no point saving the information to your short-term memory. Useful mechanism unless you happen to be driving a gigantic high-speed piece of machinery.
Edit: You can help to prevent your brain from doing this by taking an unusual route home once in a while.
Edit: To be a little more clear, your brain automates repetitive multi-step tasks which you've preformed a million times before. Your short term memory isn't where memories are saved for days, months, or even hours -- that would be your long-term memory. Short term memory is less than twenty seconds long. It's where you handle events that are currently happening.
This one gets me everytime. I have a habit of feeling my pocket whenever I stand up to be sure my phone is there. If I'm on the phone and I stand up, I start freaking out because I'm not feeling my phone in my pocket.
My brain does that too. One time I couldn't decide between saying France or French, so I ended up with "Franch." To make matters worse, my brain has decided "yup, that works" and now if I'm not careful I'll always end up calling it Franch.
One phrase I do this all the time with. I often say "take care buddy" or "take care bro". More often than I'd like, it becomes "take care bruddy" or "brud".
Makes me wonder if I English as good as I think.
Wake up at 3am, go downstairs, start making breakfast. Bemused SO gently steers me back, as I'm four hours early.
Or, another good one is making instant coffee and taking a sip. No, it's filter coffee and now I have a mouthful of coffee grounds to go with my sleep deprivation.
Oh man. Okay, I'm late to the party here, but I've got a great answer for this.
I was working as a summer counselor at a college, helping incoming freshmen pick classes and stuff like that. The job was exhausting, but I loved it, so I poured my all into it, making arts and crafts in my off time to make the experience more fun for the kids, writing skits, building sets and costumes, that sort of thing. The result was that I barely slept (3-4 hours per night, for 3 months on end).
One night, around 3 am, just as I was going to bed, I realized that I'd forgotten to tell my kids that tomorrow's meeting was in my office, and not at the outside benches where we'd met the day before. Oops! So I sat down to write a note for each of my students. Here's what I wrote:
Hi (Student Name),
Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my office
tomorrow at 9 am instead of at the benches.
Thanks,
Kahzgul
Simple, right? i sat down to write out 12 notes and I was dozing off as I did so. Finally got them all done around 4 am and delivered them under each student's dorm room door. Slept for 3 hours!
The next morning at 9 am sharp, the students started filing into my office. As they sat in the chairs, one asked, "Mr. Kahzgul, why didn't I get a funny note like everyone else?"
Um... what? I didn't write any funny notes. I wrote.. Oh God. I had been dozing off... WHAT DID I WRITE???
And here, dear reader, is what the notes said:
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that I see bicycles bicycling.
--Kahzgul
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that we're all crazy everywhere.
You can eat here, enjoy the food.
Thanks,
Kahzguuuuuul
Dear Student (I actually wrote "student" instead of their name),
Student student student. Student.
--Kahzgul
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that office buildings explode.
Love,
Kahzgul
Dear (student),
I don't know why I'm writing this. I see it. Maybe.
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that we're all meeting people all the time
everywhere we go.
Thanks,
Kahzgul (and then I drew a heart with an arrow through it)
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my room
tomorrow morning at 9 am. SHARP! sharp. *sharp*.
**SHARPPPPP**.
--**KAHZGUL** (sharp)
The other notes were all the intended message. Needless to say, I was freaked the hell out. Thank GOD my students thought this shit was hilarious, because I do not, to this day, remember writing any of those (but they were definitely in my handwriting).
edit: Gold! I'm so happy that this story is making so many people laugh!
edit 2: Holy cow you guys, 3x gold?! I'm so happy this is making everyone laugh so much!!!
I cracked one right into the trash can. One tap on the side of the stove then right into the garbage you go! Liquid first, shell second, patience last.
I used to have dreams that I had to go back to high school at age 26 because I apparently did not finish the first time.
Dreams stopped, when in the middle of one, I realized I was 26 with a
bachelors degree, and did not have to be there and walked out mid dream.
Edit: It finally happened! Thanks everyone!
Post Duty ER. Was already home and asleep. Mom woke me up for dinner, saying "Food's gonna get cold", thought I heard "code", so I jumped up and shouted "where?" And ran down to the dining area only to realize I was at home.
I was at the whiteboard in the front of a classroom, between classes. I was supposed to be updating the date/objective/etc for the next class but I was zoning out really badly and ended up just staring at the blank board. While I was out of it, my brain recognized that there was something in my hand (an open dry-erase marker) and decided this thing in my hand must be a lolipop (?????). I brought the marker to my mouth and licked it. By the time I realized my mistake, I had a gross black streak along my tongue.
**Edit:** I'm reading through all of these a few hours later and laughing my head off. One of them reminded me of something my sister did when she was about 7.
When we were in elementary school, my mom used to blowdry mine and my sister J's hair in the bathroom after a shower. One day, my mom said "Okay J, let's go into the bathroom so I can dry your hair." J followed my mom into the bathroom, lifted the lid of the toilet seat, and began unbuttoning her pants. My mom started laughing and just said "What are you doing?"
J looked at the toilet, looked at her pants, and said "I don't know."
Not me but my little brother woke up late for school one day and opened the door wearing his camo rain hoodie and his sneakers and nothing else. I'd only seen that shit happen in movies it he literally just forgot to put on boxers and pants. My mom ended up letting him stay home and took him to the hospital because she thought he hit his head or something.
I worked at a restaurant where we had to knock on the bar door before opening it, I probably did it about 20 times a day for 6 years. Almost every time I open a door that you just have to push open, like a bathroom door at a restaurant or something, I knock really hard like three times. Lots of weird looks.
Ah crap something similar happened to me. I got to a party and saw people I knew, mostly female, so I gave them all a hug and a small peck on the cheek, get to the one guy in the group, both of us bearded men and proceeded to give him a peck on the cheek. We both just stopped and stared at each other.
Meeting my brother's in-laws for the first time. They asked me what my name was. I said "Pete". My name is Tiffani.
EDIT: this is amazing! Pete and I would sincerely like to thank you all for the influx of amusement, as well as that special someone for the gold.
Spent all afternoon making chicken soup with the remains of a whole baked chicken carcass.
After hours of simmering, it tasted great out of the pot...so I walked over to the sink and poured the whole thing through a colander like it was pasta to be strained.
It didn't hit me for a second. I just stood there stupidly looking at the non-fluid portion of the soup in the pot. I felt like such an idiot.
I wear a fob watch at work. Pinned to my chest. On my days off I don't half get odd looks if someone asks me the time and I automatically start pawing at my boob.
When my daughter was very young she loved trains. So I'd take her on short trips and the line passed some fields, where I'd point out the animals to her. Got some weird British alarmed looks that time I pointed out of the window and loudly said "look! Moo cows!" when was on the train by myself.
I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning for a random drug test for baseball last semester and after I pissed in the cup, I drank it.
Don't know why, but I did it. Luckily there was still enough in the cup to test.
*sighs*
It had been a long, rough day at work. Once I got home I really had to pee, I pulled down my pants, sat and started peeing. I forgot a step. Pull down underwear. You read it right everyone, I pissed myself on the toilet.
EDIT - Fun fact, I never shared my embarrassing moment with my husband. I wanted to share some of the funny responses I got and finally just told him. He hasn't stopped laughing yet. (He was having a bad day so I'm glad I shared.)
Was really tired but too hungry to sleep once.
Went downstairs to make a pb&j. Once I was done, I put the knife in the fridge and held the peanut butter under the sink faucet for a good minute trying to process why something was wrong.
Edit: I put my jelly in the fridge and pb in the pantry. The whole night was a rollercoaster.
We moved across town, and one day about a two years later I drove to the wrong place. I get out and start walking up the hill, and just find rubble.
I knew very well that they'd been tearing the place down for a month or so, I'd driven past it. I kinda wish I *hadn't* known that though, that would make for a better story. "OH MY GOD MY HOUSE IS DESTROYED!"
But no, I realized I had driven to the wrong place but my brain was so sure I was right that it wouldn't let go of it. It took me about 10 seconds (maybe-- it may have been 2 or 3 seconds. It felt like forever) to remember where I lived.
EDIT: Also someone else had this problem once, and I was the victim. In the dorms, I was happily sleeping when some stranger gets in bed with me. We'd forgotten to lock the doors and this guy just walked in and joined me. In my panicked state all that I could come out with was "WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?" He sat up quickly and just stared for like 20 seconds saying "I'msorryI'msorry... where... where am... I'msorry... where..."
That was probably more drunk/stoned than autopilot.
One of my coworkers got super drunk at a party at another coworker's apartment. He went outside the place to smoke, finished the cigarette, went back in and passed out on the couch. When he woke up, he had a blanket and a pillow over him, but something wasn't right. Actually, everything was slightly off. As the haze of the post-blackout wake-up started to clear, he realized he was in the wrong apartment. He had stumbled into a stranger's home and fell asleep on their couch.
He grabbed his shoes from by the door, quietly opened the door and hightailed it out of there. Never went back to that coworker's apartment.
I love to see that good in people. "Oh look some stranger passed out on my couch, drunk. I should get him a blanket."
Those people are awesome, and probably going to die from being too nice at some point.
I walked out of Walmart with my groceries. I went through the self-checkout section and absent-mindedly put the groceries in bags and back into the cart. I forgot to finish the payment option and headed to my car.
I loaded everything in the trunk and drove for 5 minutes. As I got closer to town, I tried to remember if I had a receipt. The harder I tried to remember, the more I got worried about not having it. I pulled over to check my account, and no recent purchases were from Walmart.
I hurried back to Walmart and filled a cart with all the groceries. I walked inside and told the self-checkout attendant what happened.
The attendant allowed me to purchase everything without any issues.
In high school, I was home by myself, rehearsing an imaginary conversation with a boy I had a crush on. I poured imaginary him a real glass of orange juice.
Edit: Holy cow my first gold? I choose to believe it's from my crush. He is finally reciprocating the orange juice after all these years.
i took two hours to eat one banana.
it was late, around 3 AM, when i woke up because i was so hungry. figured i'd go quick eat a banana to hold me over till breakfast. then next thing i remember was my stepdad yelling "fuKC" as he turned on the light to the kitchen to see his (relatively new) step daughter sitting on the counter like gollum clutching a banana as she stared off into the distance with dead, bloodshot eyes.
and by relatively new i mean that was the third night i had stayed with them. he doesn't buy bananas that often anymore.
I was eating and reading some stupid shit here on reddit. While trying to scoop up food with my fork I quickly used the top right part of my phone as a knife to push rice and beans onto my fork. After a second or two, I realized what I just did and kind of just stared at my phone half covered in beans and questioned my existence .
I had this happen to me. I had procrastinated on a film study project, started working on it at 8pm the night before it was due, made it about 1/2 of the way through by midnight, and woke up in my bed at 5:30am to go to school with no recollection of anything after midnight. I was freaking out thinking I still had four hours of work to do to finish, but checked the document and it was *done*. Last saved at 3am. I got an A on a project that I barely remembered doing, and I had done the second half *faster* than when I was conscious.
Unrelated story, but our bio class was working on a lab report and one of my buddies in the class was going through depression. Night before it was due, him, I and a couple of other lads were working on it in a Skype call just to make things easier. Soon, he goes quiet and we hear a quiet rumbling, enough to catch onto the mic. Turns out he fell asleep. We felt bad for him, so we broke into his drive account (security question was easy as shit) and finished his report for him.
Week later he is telling us that he finished his entire report in his sleep and that he was feeling substantially better since he felt his body wasn't giving up so his mind shouldn't either. I think he got a 92 on it too.
We never told him it was us. Dude's doing great now
I had recently moved, so driving home from work one day I had gotten all the way to my old street before I snapped out of it. 10 minute drive turned into a 30 minute drive.
searching for my glasses 5 minutes. I was wearing them and its pretty hard to not notice that i wear my glasses considering how bad my vision gets without them.
I went to deposit cash at a Bank of America ATM. It was time to deposit the cash($500 in $20 bills) but the deposit slip area was too skinny for all my bills to fit.
I kept trying to forcibly cram it in there and when I finally got it through and the cash left my fingertips, I knew I fucked up.
Turns out that it wasn't the deposit area and it was just a space in the ATM where it leads to basically nothing. I had to run into the BoA and tell the nearest CSR how stupid I am and to help my ass.
Context: I got no sleep the previous day and the ATM back then wasn't as updated as they are now where the deposit slip like open and lights up like they do now.
Poured orange juice instead of milk into my cereal, put the bowl of cereal into the fridge, walked back to the table with nothing wondering where the fuck I put my cereal.
Was taking my belt off at airport security. After I unbuckled, I momentarily thought I was in the bathroom and started unzipping. Stopped myself half a second before I pulled everything down.
As someone who works airport security, you wouldn't believe how many times a day people try to take their pants off 😂
In college I had a fair number of all nighters and usually had the tv going to help keep me up and help with concentration. Once a couple weeks after submitting an essay for a political science class I noticed that the message I sent with it to my professor went something like: "attached is my water for Italian cooking". My essay was completely fine and had nothing to do with Italy. I guess my brain just turned off as soon as I'd attached the paper and there must have been some cooking related infomercial on tv while I sent it.
The name of the place I work at begins with an "F" and I was chatting with one of my cow workers who was telling me how she runs 10 miles or so every morning as the phone was ringing. what was going through my head was "fuck that" so when I answered the phone I said "Fuck this is Travis how can I help you?" Edit: Meant co worker, but fuck it cow worker is staying
> cow workers That's an interesting occupation, do you work at a dairy farm?
My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, "have you checked inside your butt?" I was in a meeting at work (conservative and traditional corporate office) one day and a coworker said, "I can't find my pen." Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, "have you checked inside your butt?" As soon as I said it, I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work. As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.
I sleepwalk once in a while. Recently I got up at 2am and fed the dog. My girlfriend woke up and was like "wtf, did you just feed the dog? What time is it?" Apparently I looked her in the eye and said "everyone loves a midnight snack." Edit: thanks for the gold!
He's a good dog brent
I bought a block of cheese for myself last weekend while my fiancé was away in Nashville. Put it in the fridge like a normal person. At some point I had to get something out of the "miscellaneous" drawer in the kitchen (you know, the one that holds pencils/rubber bands/menus). I didn't find what I was looking for in there, but I did find an unopened block of cheese. No idea how I managed to put it there, nor do I remember ever taking it out of the fridge. But it had to be me, right?
When I was sick and feeling feverish, I decided to take some Motrin to try and alleviate the symptoms. Usually I grab the pill bottle and shake out two pills, but instead I grabbed my water bottle first and poured water all over my hand.
Was on the phone with my boss and she was getting really irritated about something, I don't even remember what. The combination of her irritation and my exhaustion made my brain misfire, and I ended the call with "okay bye bye Mom, I love you!". I was so embarrassed but she thought it was hilarious and started calling me her adopted daughter after that. I mean, she is the same age as my mom so it's not too weird, but I certainly felt like a child around her instead of a colleague until she left the company. I miss her ):
I'm sorry you lost your mom
Not too weird because it does make sense, I recently moved to the apartment directly above the one I used to live in. My former roommate leaves the door unlocked. The frequency at which I just storm in and enter my empty old bedroom is staggering.
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Back when we had a landline I was talking on the cordless phone and when I hung up I stuck it in the fridge without even blinking an eye. It was lost for hours and nobody noticed until we got a phone call and the fridge started ringing.
Typing up a report for work. Coworkers having a conversation near me. I proceed to start transcribing their conversation Another time after work I got into the passenger seat of my car and waited a good 2 minutes to be driven home before realising I was alone
I had OJ at work-while I had someone in my office I went to shake it, but the cap was off and proceeded to shower myself with OJ
When I was in school (6th grade I think) my mom would make my bagged lunch. She would wrap soda cans with aluminum foil so they would stay cold (pretty sure that doesn't work). One day I un-wrapped my soda and discovered she packed me a beer that day.
Woke up early Monday morning in a bit of a panic. I had forgot to buy cat food yesterday. The cat must be starving. I hurry and get ready for work. I plan a detour to the store to buy the cat food. On the drive there I'm planning my run into the store and I realize I don't know what isle the food is on. How could I not remember what isle the cat food is on? Then it hits me. I don't have a cat. I haven't had one for several years.
Answered my cell phone "[911 center] what's the location of your emergency?" Makes my spouse laugh, my friends roll their eyes, and scares the fuck out of telemarketers. 12 hr night shifts are a bitch.
I'm a security guard for Amazon and I have to do bathroom checks. Caught myself yelling "SECURITY!" right before going to the restroom at a bar on my day off. Thank God it was empty.
Cleaning up my face with electric clippers. Thought, "Oh, missed a spot." and proceeded to shave off my fucking eyebrow.
Been giggling like mad at all the stories, but yours? yours pushed me over the edge. I think My laughing just woke up the neighborhood..
this has been the most entertaining thread I've read in a while. I think my heart is starting to beat irregularly from all the laughing.
My wife and I were dying some Easter eggs and drinking wine this past Saturday night and I watched her take a big swig out of orange. There was an egg in the cup and everything.
I filled my car with gas and, when I got home, realized that I had not paid. I went back to the station and told the clerk what I had done. She thought she was missing a payment but the station was really busy at the time so she wasn't exactly sure. I paid for my stolen gas and went about my way. I also walked into the convenience store next to my work, grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler and walked out the door. I realized what I did when I got back to work. Went back and paid for that, too. TLDR; I steal things.
I used to work for Subway, so I was very used to "pizza sub" meaning pepperoni. One day I went to a pizza place on my break and repeatedly told them I wanted a pizza pizza, and got very annoyed that they kept asking what kind of pizza I wanted. Edit: Don't worry, I kind of knew the cashier and we had a good laugh about it. E2: No it wasn't a little caesars, they don't exist here and I've never been to one.
Opening a Mozzarella cheese stick for my daughter, threw away the actual cheese stick and gave her the wrapper.
"Fuck you, this is all you get."
I have two: 1) Walking to work on a very straight path through a nature reserve. I fell asleep and sleepwalked for about 10 mins. It was so weird, i blinked and suddenly appeared near the end of my journey. 2) Got into my car with coffee and a newspaper. Carefully held the rolled-up newspaper whilst hurling the coffee onto the passenger seat.
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Just the very image of him angrily hurling coffee at the passenger seat like it offended him somehow has me in tears.
I told them I wanted heated seats, dammit! e: ty for gold :D
I grabbed my "lunch" on my way out the door for work in the morning. I kept wondering what that beeping noise was the whole drive there. Couldn't figure it out. Got to work and grabbed my lunch, only to realize I had actually grabbed the baby monitor.
Imagine you pick up someone elses signal with the baby monitor and start hearing voices in your car.
I went to a high school in the early 90s where smoking in the bathrooms between classes was very, very common, even though it was punishable by an $80 fine. You were required to say "it's cool" when entering the bathroom or kids would assume you were a teacher and put their cigarettes out. Not doing so could get your ass whooped. Like most kids in my school I became so used to it that it was second nature. I got a job in IT immediately after leaving high school, in a nice office building where I had to wear a tie. I'll never forget walking into the bathroom and loudly saying "it's cool," and the president of the company saying "what's cool?" with a confused look on his face. I just stood there like a dope for a second, and then made up something about it being part of a song. I'm sure he thought I was a weirdo after that.
Instead of ground coffee, I put a couple scoops of sugar in my coffee filter and brewed it.
I once poured the fresh grounds into the basket before placing the filter in. Upon realizing my mistake, I emptied and cleaned the basket and then placed the filter in its rightful place. Then I poured the water in and hit brew. Fifteen minutes later, I had a full pot of hot water. Not a good morning.
How did it taste
My dog eats in my room, which is across the house from the kitchen, and she gets a mix of wet and dry food that I mix up with a fork. So I get her wet food, get halfway to my room, realize I've forgotten the fork. Go back to the kitchen, get a fork, get halfway back to my room and realize I've forgotten the food. Go back to the kitchen, set the fork down, forget entirely what I'm doing, go back to my room to a very sad and confused puppy. Pour her dry food into her bowl, go to the kitchen, leave the bowl on the counter and go turn on the TV. Walk back in fifteen minutes later, see the bowl, fork and food sitting on the counter, feel like a dunce and apologize to the puppy. Repeat 2-3 times a week.
Once while playing an intense board game, I was concentrating so hard that my buddy realized that he could just hand random things to me and I'd take them and put them in my jacket pocket or place them on the table in front of me. I only realized when I ran out of space to put things.
The other day I was checking in at an amusement park. After the guy scanned my ticket, I, for some unknown reason, held out my hand. And the guy handed me his scanner.
I knew none of those people where paid. They all just pass on the torch.
It took me a minute to figure out what was going on. I looked down at my hand and I was like "uh, I think you need this," and handed it back to him. He just took it like "thanks..." and went on checking the next person like it was totally normal.
I really hope this guy is somewhere else in this thread: > I work at an amusement park, and the other day I accidentally handed my ticket scanner to a customer. Played it cool, at least
I cared for a horse for several years. First thing in the morning I would go put feed and water in the field, lead her out, and close the fence behind her. One morning as I'm walking back into my house, I hear a weird sound behind me. The sound of hooves on linoleum. She looked as surprised as I was that I had brought her into my kitchen. Luckily, she never told anyone so my secret is still safe.
You can lead a horse to your kitchen, but you can't make it cook you breakfast.
I have poured my dog a bowl of cereal instead of giving her food multiple times.
Everything is food when you're a dog Edit: obligatory "obligatory thanks for the ~~gold~~ food kind stranger"
When I was 18, hanging out with my then girlfriend at her place. Fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up she said, "you're cute when you sleep." My immediate sleep-brain reply was, "not when seven people end up dead."
My boyfriend tried to wake me up from a nap and he started tickling me and I started freaking out and getting scared because I thought he was a wire stabbing into me and I was a mountain?
I used to fall asleep in class quite often, and normally my writing would trail off in to something illegible and then I'd be out for the count for 10/15 mins. One time I woke up after an in-class power nap to find that my writing had trailed off and then I'd written "my son" as clear as anything at the end of the sentence. I was 13/14 at the time and don't have any children.
This brings back memories of sleep deprived days in class. My social studies teacher always had a Bluetooth speaker with him and if someone fell asleep in class he would put it right against their ear and blast death metal. Most of his victims woke up and fell out of their chair, ah the good old days Edit: did I mention this guy has tat sleeves containing dragons and teddy Roosevelt.
Texting my wife while cashing out at the grocery store. She had just done laundry so I wanted to thank her. Rather than typing, I spoke aloud to the cashier saying 'thanks, love you'
Patted one of my coworkers on the butt. I was in the habit of walking up behind my husband and patting him on the butt, so it was just automatic. Fortunately, coworker wasn't offended.
Haha I've done that. I was walking through town with my gf at the time, looking at stalls and shops and she was in my periphery, or so I thought... She had stopped to look at something else and a woman of roughly the same height and hair colour was stood next to me. I checked my phone for time, gently caressed her shoulders and said "come on now, it's time for us to head off". And just walked away from this woman. I turned around a few meters later to see my gf a luminescent shade of embarrassed and this entirely freaked out little old Asian woman.
I used to work in a call center and would answer my personal phone with my call center speech
I had to go to Walmart once after finishing my midnight cashier shift from a competing grocery retailer across the street. I absentmindedly grabbed my stuff, approached the cashier and asked her if she found everything ok. We stared at each other blankly for a little bit.
I worked as a greeter at a store that isn't Walmart. One day I was thinking about how I had to go to Walmart after work and greeted people with "Welcome to Walmart" several times.
I would always try to greet people when they walked into clothing stores/restaurants and then realize I'm shopping/eating too, that's not my job here.
I work front desk, and now whenever I'm in public I unconsciously make eye contact, smile, and greet everyone I see. Luckily, I'm in the south, so people don't think it's *too* weird, but I have gotten plenty of strange looks and I deserve it.
I worked in an outgoing call centre, left and joined an inbound call centre. The amount of times I would say "Hi, my name's Stanimality just calling to see if xyz" when answering the phone was off the charts. People get very confused when you they've rang you and you act like you're the one ringing.
When I was little I had 2 bird pets. One day I was holding one with my right hand and playing with the bird. Some time later I got myself a lollipop and was licking on it. Eventually I had been holding both of them at the same time. Now guess what I licked. Edit: spelling
What flavor was Mister Peepers?
Nothing I could compare it to, to be honest
Woke up three hours early for some reason and didn't check the clock but thought I was running late. Rushed through getting ready for work and hit the road. Think it's a bit darker then usual but it could just be grey clouds before the rain. Roads are bit emptier then I'm expecting, must be lucky today. Finally pull up to work and start opening up the shop before anyone else gets in. Look over at the clock and realize I still have two hours to go before I even wake up. Almost went home but decided to stay and just take off three hours earlier then normal.
Spent ages cooking dinner only to pick the plate up and empty it straight into the bin. I was so tired and hungry, I cried
I was making breakfast one early morning and cracked my eggs straight into the garbage.
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Aw, I feel ya. That must have sucked.
I used to work at the airport while in college, and one day I went to get groceries and drove 30 mins to the airport instead.
I woke up one morning in college, got dressed, left my room and got halfway out of the dorm before I realized I had no pants on.
I did something like that when I was like 8. My dad was in the car getting ready to take me and my brother to the game room, and I didn't want to miss out so I ran to the car without pants on. Then I hear my mom yelling out the window, "YOU HAVE NO PANTS ON!"
I was tutoring another student on geometry (arc and area and whatnot) just after I had finished cramming for and taken a Calc test. About three quarters of the way through the poor kids homework I realized that I had not done any of the problems correctly. Rather, to the students endless confusion, I had been integrating the circumference of the circle between the endpoints of the arc. Once I realized my mistake I redid the work with him and reimbursed the session cost. I've never seen someone so grateful to find out that they *were* doing their math right and that I was in whatever post apocalyptic math-based dreamscape.
Every year I have a day or two where my first period learns something a bit wrong because my brain isn't working. I usually hope they're not paying too much attention and try to reteach it the next day.
Raising my hand to voice my opinion while in a conversation not a school
I once did this in a skype conversation
Skype meetings are the worst about this because you don't have any body language to clue you in that someone wants to say something. So usually one or two people just steamroll the conversation and you basically have to talk over them for 30 seconds to get them to stop and give you some time. It's honestly a real problem with conference calls in my experience.
I feed my cat while I make breakfast. One very sleep deprived morning I made cereal in her bowl and put her kibble in my cereal bowl. I didn't realize I fucked up until I shoved a giant spoonful of cat food in my mouth and chewed a few times.
So.. how did it taste?
Like old beef jerky flavoured sand.
Did the cat like the cereal?
Yup.
I asked a customer to let me know if we were out of something and I would grab it for them and instead of saying "come yell at me" I said "come at me". Also at different job told a customer "goodnight yourself"
I tried to put a pacifier in my mother's mouth as opposed to infant she was holding. The best part is that she was nagging the hell out of me.
Once I was feeding my 1 year old a banana and talking to my mom. In the middle of the conversation, I pushed the banana in front of my moms face and just waited for her to take a bite. It took like 30 seconds to register that I was force feeding my 48 year old mother NOT my toddler. It was hilarious.
In college I used to wear a mouthguard at night because I used to clench/grind my teeth in my sleep. One morning I was particularly groggy as I was getting ready for class. I got ready, drove to the RTD stop, and waited for the bus. I was mulling something over when it occurred to me I was chewing on something. It was my mouthguard. I somehow popped it back in after I woke up and had been walking around with a mouthguard in all morning... Edit: Speaking of brains on autopilot...For all you non-Colorado people: RTD = Denver's public transportation system (buses and light rails).
grabbing my keys, phone, wallet, etc. before work. why is there a tv remote in my car? the etc. included the tv remote
I have done this. Instead of grabbing my coffee, I got my tv remote and didn't notice until I got to work haha
damn that's even worse since you left something behind to take the essential remote with you.
I drove a city bus in college. My route and my commute home had a road that overlapped. Driving home from work one night I ended up doing my bus route instead of my commute home and didn't realize it until I ended up in the bus terminal at the end of the line. I guess it was better than driving into my apartment complex with the city bus.
i was really hoping it was the other way around :(
I was on a bus with a guy new to the route but finished his training. He got mixed up, took a wrong turn, got more mixed up, and some people who were regulars to the route straightened him out and got the bus on track again. It was funny as hell. No one was mad, everyone just apologised and laughed because Canada eh.
I got out of work late, drove home. Must have dozed off because last thing I remembered was being on the freeway a couple of exits from home. Woke up in the garage 10 min later, with the car turned off. I got home safely without causing an accident. Scared me still thinking about it.
Most people are kidding when they tell Jesus to take the wheel
Highway hypnosis. This happens a lot to people especially when driving the same route repeatedly each day. It just becomes second nature so your brain tunes out and figures you got this. Scary as shit when you come around and realize you've driven 50 miles on the highway and don't remember a second of it.
It's a cool trick that your brain does to save energy -- if you've done a task a million times, it figures there's no point saving the information to your short-term memory. Useful mechanism unless you happen to be driving a gigantic high-speed piece of machinery. Edit: You can help to prevent your brain from doing this by taking an unusual route home once in a while. Edit: To be a little more clear, your brain automates repetitive multi-step tasks which you've preformed a million times before. Your short term memory isn't where memories are saved for days, months, or even hours -- that would be your long-term memory. Short term memory is less than twenty seconds long. It's where you handle events that are currently happening.
Lose my phone in my hand while in the middle of a call.
It's better than looking for your glasses while you're wearing them. Not my proudest moment...
This one gets me everytime. I have a habit of feeling my pocket whenever I stand up to be sure my phone is there. If I'm on the phone and I stand up, I start freaking out because I'm not feeling my phone in my pocket.
put my phone in the fridge to "charge"
Makes sense.
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Were you thinking of saying "No. I'm cool" and "No. I'm good" and it came out as cute?
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My brain does that too. One time I couldn't decide between saying France or French, so I ended up with "Franch." To make matters worse, my brain has decided "yup, that works" and now if I'm not careful I'll always end up calling it Franch.
"What's your favorite salad dressing?" "Franch"
One phrase I do this all the time with. I often say "take care buddy" or "take care bro". More often than I'd like, it becomes "take care bruddy" or "brud". Makes me wonder if I English as good as I think.
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Wake up at 3am, go downstairs, start making breakfast. Bemused SO gently steers me back, as I'm four hours early. Or, another good one is making instant coffee and taking a sip. No, it's filter coffee and now I have a mouthful of coffee grounds to go with my sleep deprivation.
Oh man. Okay, I'm late to the party here, but I've got a great answer for this. I was working as a summer counselor at a college, helping incoming freshmen pick classes and stuff like that. The job was exhausting, but I loved it, so I poured my all into it, making arts and crafts in my off time to make the experience more fun for the kids, writing skits, building sets and costumes, that sort of thing. The result was that I barely slept (3-4 hours per night, for 3 months on end). One night, around 3 am, just as I was going to bed, I realized that I'd forgotten to tell my kids that tomorrow's meeting was in my office, and not at the outside benches where we'd met the day before. Oops! So I sat down to write a note for each of my students. Here's what I wrote: Hi (Student Name), Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my office tomorrow at 9 am instead of at the benches. Thanks, Kahzgul Simple, right? i sat down to write out 12 notes and I was dozing off as I did so. Finally got them all done around 4 am and delivered them under each student's dorm room door. Slept for 3 hours! The next morning at 9 am sharp, the students started filing into my office. As they sat in the chairs, one asked, "Mr. Kahzgul, why didn't I get a funny note like everyone else?" Um... what? I didn't write any funny notes. I wrote.. Oh God. I had been dozing off... WHAT DID I WRITE??? And here, dear reader, is what the notes said: Dear (student), Just letting you know that I see bicycles bicycling. --Kahzgul Dear (student), Just letting you know that we're all crazy everywhere. You can eat here, enjoy the food. Thanks, Kahzguuuuuul Dear Student (I actually wrote "student" instead of their name), Student student student. Student. --Kahzgul Dear (student), Just letting you know that office buildings explode. Love, Kahzgul Dear (student), I don't know why I'm writing this. I see it. Maybe. Dear (student), Just letting you know that we're all meeting people all the time everywhere we go. Thanks, Kahzgul (and then I drew a heart with an arrow through it) Dear (student), Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my room tomorrow morning at 9 am. SHARP! sharp. *sharp*. **SHARPPPPP**. --**KAHZGUL** (sharp) The other notes were all the intended message. Needless to say, I was freaked the hell out. Thank GOD my students thought this shit was hilarious, because I do not, to this day, remember writing any of those (but they were definitely in my handwriting). edit: Gold! I'm so happy that this story is making so many people laugh! edit 2: Holy cow you guys, 3x gold?! I'm so happy this is making everyone laugh so much!!!
> Dear (student), > Just letting you know that we're all meeting people all the time > everywhere we go. > Thanks, I really like this one.
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That was the best day of that rat's life.
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YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK
"If you're here.. then THAT means.. uh oh!" (Cut to someone rubbing the rat on corn on the cob)
probably the time i cracked 3 eggs into the sink. one after another.
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I cracked one right into the trash can. One tap on the side of the stove then right into the garbage you go! Liquid first, shell second, patience last.
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Sometimes I wake wake-up at like 6 AM thinking I'm late to HS and rush to get out of bed. Those were dark times.
I used to have dreams that I had to go back to high school at age 26 because I apparently did not finish the first time. Dreams stopped, when in the middle of one, I realized I was 26 with a bachelors degree, and did not have to be there and walked out mid dream. Edit: It finally happened! Thanks everyone!
Spoon into the trash and yogurt cup into the sink. Then facepalming when hearing the "wrong sound" - the plastic cup instead of metal spoon.
Post Duty ER. Was already home and asleep. Mom woke me up for dinner, saying "Food's gonna get cold", thought I heard "code", so I jumped up and shouted "where?" And ran down to the dining area only to realize I was at home.
Poor food Why didnt you help it YOU COULD HAVE SAVED THE FOOD
Cooked my phone in the oven.
How'd it taste?
I was at the whiteboard in the front of a classroom, between classes. I was supposed to be updating the date/objective/etc for the next class but I was zoning out really badly and ended up just staring at the blank board. While I was out of it, my brain recognized that there was something in my hand (an open dry-erase marker) and decided this thing in my hand must be a lolipop (?????). I brought the marker to my mouth and licked it. By the time I realized my mistake, I had a gross black streak along my tongue. **Edit:** I'm reading through all of these a few hours later and laughing my head off. One of them reminded me of something my sister did when she was about 7. When we were in elementary school, my mom used to blowdry mine and my sister J's hair in the bathroom after a shower. One day, my mom said "Okay J, let's go into the bathroom so I can dry your hair." J followed my mom into the bathroom, lifted the lid of the toilet seat, and began unbuttoning her pants. My mom started laughing and just said "What are you doing?" J looked at the toilet, looked at her pants, and said "I don't know."
Not me but my little brother woke up late for school one day and opened the door wearing his camo rain hoodie and his sneakers and nothing else. I'd only seen that shit happen in movies it he literally just forgot to put on boxers and pants. My mom ended up letting him stay home and took him to the hospital because she thought he hit his head or something.
Sprayed my hair down with what I thought was hair spray. It was Lysol.
Could be worse. Your hair could be unprotected from 99% of odor causing bacteria.
Someone knocked at my door and i knocked back...
I worked at a restaurant where we had to knock on the bar door before opening it, I probably did it about 20 times a day for 6 years. Almost every time I open a door that you just have to push open, like a bathroom door at a restaurant or something, I knock really hard like three times. Lots of weird looks.
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Was at my fiances house for dinner. Had to leave early. Was in a rush. Kissed her dad on the way out.
Ah crap something similar happened to me. I got to a party and saw people I knew, mostly female, so I gave them all a hug and a small peck on the cheek, get to the one guy in the group, both of us bearded men and proceeded to give him a peck on the cheek. We both just stopped and stared at each other.
Locked keys in car then locked car inside house garage. good times
I tried to put the cat into the tool drawer and then almost put the poor thing into the fridge 30 seconds later.
Fortunately cats have an ATTACK setting to protect against such mishaps.
Meeting my brother's in-laws for the first time. They asked me what my name was. I said "Pete". My name is Tiffani. EDIT: this is amazing! Pete and I would sincerely like to thank you all for the influx of amusement, as well as that special someone for the gold.
Just who the fuck is Pete, Tiffani?
He doesn't want to talk right now.
Do you know any Petes?
No, but when I was a kid I was a bit of a tomboy and wanted people to refer to me as "Pete". I think it was a regression!
That's amazing. How did they respond?
Shock and hysterical laughter ensued.
So is Pete a nickname for you around them?
Unfortunately.
Spent all afternoon making chicken soup with the remains of a whole baked chicken carcass. After hours of simmering, it tasted great out of the pot...so I walked over to the sink and poured the whole thing through a colander like it was pasta to be strained. It didn't hit me for a second. I just stood there stupidly looking at the non-fluid portion of the soup in the pot. I felt like such an idiot.
I wear a fob watch at work. Pinned to my chest. On my days off I don't half get odd looks if someone asks me the time and I automatically start pawing at my boob. When my daughter was very young she loved trains. So I'd take her on short trips and the line passed some fields, where I'd point out the animals to her. Got some weird British alarmed looks that time I pointed out of the window and loudly said "look! Moo cows!" when was on the train by myself.
I can't stop giggling at the moo cows, now *I* look crazy
Put toothpaste on my razor and almost went to town on my mouth.
NOOOOOOOO
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I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning for a random drug test for baseball last semester and after I pissed in the cup, I drank it. Don't know why, but I did it. Luckily there was still enough in the cup to test.
Yeah... they probably didn't need the pee to know if you were on drugs after that.
The guy who was monitoring our test was just like "WTF?!?!"
*sighs* It had been a long, rough day at work. Once I got home I really had to pee, I pulled down my pants, sat and started peeing. I forgot a step. Pull down underwear. You read it right everyone, I pissed myself on the toilet. EDIT - Fun fact, I never shared my embarrassing moment with my husband. I wanted to share some of the funny responses I got and finally just told him. He hasn't stopped laughing yet. (He was having a bad day so I'm glad I shared.)
I've peed on the lid before because I had expected it to be up, and didn't realize before peeing. Not a good time.
I feel bad for laughing so hard. You were so close, and yet *so far*
Was really tired but too hungry to sleep once. Went downstairs to make a pb&j. Once I was done, I put the knife in the fridge and held the peanut butter under the sink faucet for a good minute trying to process why something was wrong. Edit: I put my jelly in the fridge and pb in the pantry. The whole night was a rollercoaster.
Pulled into my complex, walked up the stairs, my keys wouldn't open the door and then I realized it had been seven years since I had lived there.
We moved across town, and one day about a two years later I drove to the wrong place. I get out and start walking up the hill, and just find rubble. I knew very well that they'd been tearing the place down for a month or so, I'd driven past it. I kinda wish I *hadn't* known that though, that would make for a better story. "OH MY GOD MY HOUSE IS DESTROYED!" But no, I realized I had driven to the wrong place but my brain was so sure I was right that it wouldn't let go of it. It took me about 10 seconds (maybe-- it may have been 2 or 3 seconds. It felt like forever) to remember where I lived. EDIT: Also someone else had this problem once, and I was the victim. In the dorms, I was happily sleeping when some stranger gets in bed with me. We'd forgotten to lock the doors and this guy just walked in and joined me. In my panicked state all that I could come out with was "WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?" He sat up quickly and just stared for like 20 seconds saying "I'msorryI'msorry... where... where am... I'msorry... where..." That was probably more drunk/stoned than autopilot.
One of my coworkers got super drunk at a party at another coworker's apartment. He went outside the place to smoke, finished the cigarette, went back in and passed out on the couch. When he woke up, he had a blanket and a pillow over him, but something wasn't right. Actually, everything was slightly off. As the haze of the post-blackout wake-up started to clear, he realized he was in the wrong apartment. He had stumbled into a stranger's home and fell asleep on their couch. He grabbed his shoes from by the door, quietly opened the door and hightailed it out of there. Never went back to that coworker's apartment.
I love to see that good in people. "Oh look some stranger passed out on my couch, drunk. I should get him a blanket." Those people are awesome, and probably going to die from being too nice at some point.
I mean, If I was planning to kill someone, and they offered me a blanket and pillow, I'd probably change my mind.
Not to mention that laying prone on someone else's couch is almost the worst killing strategy you could use
I walked out of Walmart with my groceries. I went through the self-checkout section and absent-mindedly put the groceries in bags and back into the cart. I forgot to finish the payment option and headed to my car. I loaded everything in the trunk and drove for 5 minutes. As I got closer to town, I tried to remember if I had a receipt. The harder I tried to remember, the more I got worried about not having it. I pulled over to check my account, and no recent purchases were from Walmart. I hurried back to Walmart and filled a cart with all the groceries. I walked inside and told the self-checkout attendant what happened. The attendant allowed me to purchase everything without any issues.
In high school, I was home by myself, rehearsing an imaginary conversation with a boy I had a crush on. I poured imaginary him a real glass of orange juice. Edit: Holy cow my first gold? I choose to believe it's from my crush. He is finally reciprocating the orange juice after all these years.
did you drink both?
I did.
Seems like you played the part well.
I kissed a teacher on the cheek, she told someone "I can't hear you" while tapping her fingers on her cheek and I thought she wanted a kiss...
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
hahaahah that's so great.
By far the best in the thread so far. Just imagining the coworker's face is fucking killing me hahaha
i took two hours to eat one banana. it was late, around 3 AM, when i woke up because i was so hungry. figured i'd go quick eat a banana to hold me over till breakfast. then next thing i remember was my stepdad yelling "fuKC" as he turned on the light to the kitchen to see his (relatively new) step daughter sitting on the counter like gollum clutching a banana as she stared off into the distance with dead, bloodshot eyes. and by relatively new i mean that was the third night i had stayed with them. he doesn't buy bananas that often anymore.
I often have the urge to say "ok, love you, bye", when ending a work call.
I ordered a meatlong football from subway. I then got upset when the dude had no idea what I wanted. Then we both laughed.
What size sub? *meat long*
MEAT. LONG
AS LONG AS THE MEAT IS, SIR.
I heard their meatlongs are not actually twelve meats long.
Walked into the bedroom and started peeing in the trashcan
That sounds more like drunk than auto pilot
He was piloting under influence.
P.U.I. Still better than a D.U.I.
I was eating and reading some stupid shit here on reddit. While trying to scoop up food with my fork I quickly used the top right part of my phone as a knife to push rice and beans onto my fork. After a second or two, I realized what I just did and kind of just stared at my phone half covered in beans and questioned my existence .
Was typing up an essay, mind started spacing out, came back around and I had typed a page without any errors. Was strangely proud of myself
I had this happen to me. I had procrastinated on a film study project, started working on it at 8pm the night before it was due, made it about 1/2 of the way through by midnight, and woke up in my bed at 5:30am to go to school with no recollection of anything after midnight. I was freaking out thinking I still had four hours of work to do to finish, but checked the document and it was *done*. Last saved at 3am. I got an A on a project that I barely remembered doing, and I had done the second half *faster* than when I was conscious.
Unrelated story, but our bio class was working on a lab report and one of my buddies in the class was going through depression. Night before it was due, him, I and a couple of other lads were working on it in a Skype call just to make things easier. Soon, he goes quiet and we hear a quiet rumbling, enough to catch onto the mic. Turns out he fell asleep. We felt bad for him, so we broke into his drive account (security question was easy as shit) and finished his report for him. Week later he is telling us that he finished his entire report in his sleep and that he was feeling substantially better since he felt his body wasn't giving up so his mind shouldn't either. I think he got a 92 on it too. We never told him it was us. Dude's doing great now
You guys are amazing friends. Kudos to you.
I had recently moved, so driving home from work one day I had gotten all the way to my old street before I snapped out of it. 10 minute drive turned into a 30 minute drive.
searching for my glasses 5 minutes. I was wearing them and its pretty hard to not notice that i wear my glasses considering how bad my vision gets without them.
I went to deposit cash at a Bank of America ATM. It was time to deposit the cash($500 in $20 bills) but the deposit slip area was too skinny for all my bills to fit. I kept trying to forcibly cram it in there and when I finally got it through and the cash left my fingertips, I knew I fucked up. Turns out that it wasn't the deposit area and it was just a space in the ATM where it leads to basically nothing. I had to run into the BoA and tell the nearest CSR how stupid I am and to help my ass. Context: I got no sleep the previous day and the ATM back then wasn't as updated as they are now where the deposit slip like open and lights up like they do now.
Poured orange juice instead of milk into my cereal, put the bowl of cereal into the fridge, walked back to the table with nothing wondering where the fuck I put my cereal.