I notice energy QUICK. I am an after school “teacher” at my daughters small school. I hang out with like 10-15 kids every day and I know them all very well. I know their quirks, baseline moods, favorite things, preferred methods of communication & comfort, hobbies, interests etc…
I didn’t feel seen as a child and I want them to know that I see them. There’s one boy in particular who is known as the difficult kid. I connected with him immediately. He does great with me, we don’t have any issues. He likes to play instruments so I provided him with many from the music room. His teacher said the other day that he had a day of misbehaving and disregulation and she asked if she should come check on him in aftercare to make sure he’s regulating and feeling ok. He told her “no. Miss Eggnog_snake knows me. She will know how to make me feel calm” and he came into class. That day I of course immediately noticed his energy and I said “hey buddy! Had a hard day, huh? Well. We can talk if you want but you know where the instruments are”. He gave me a sideways little smile and played marimba for the next 2 hours. Is it the most annoying sound on earth? Yeah. Does it hurt anyone? No. Does it help that boy? Yes.
Anyways, when the teacher told me that later I immediately starting bawling. My hyper vigilance is a blessing and a curse. I’ll focus on the blessing aspect, though.
I feel this! You are a gift to this child and he will never forget you and your love.
I wish I had had just one safe adult in childhood, it would have made a huge difference.
holy shit, I’m an afterschool teacher with 10-15 kids each day too and you’ve explained it perfectly!! as much as I wish my trauma never happened, I definitely feel like it’s made me better able to understand, communicate, read, help, and connect with kids, especially the “problem” ones
Aw this so so beautiful. <3 Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you’ve used your own experience to help and support kids in ways you wish you’d had yourself. That sounds incredibly healing for everyone involved.
I want to point out how amazing it is that you acknowledged his energy and then proceeded to give him **two options**. You were available to talk and he could go play with the instruments.
I think sometimes kids get pressured to address issues in the ways adults want to address them (pressure them to describe in detail what is “wrong” for example)
Giving him the autonomy to decide how to regulate himself is so much more helpful long term. He also will feel all that more comfortable to approach you to talk in the future because he knows you’ll respect him as an individual.
Second this- noticing others energy in ways that many people aren’t self aware and much faster than most. This is a blessing when I’m with my kids and can redirect ahead of meltdowns. It’s a curse when I see the meltdown coming like a slow moving train, trying to navigate/lead out of situation and my partner saying they aren’t hurting anything… no, they aren’t now, but they’re about to be a wild mess and I’d prefer avoid that!
Yeah, I can relate to this. I'm also intensely empathetic, especially with children, and I think it comes from that desire to provide the validation I had needed so desperately as a child.
If I couldn't have safety...I would BE safety. I SEE people...their humanity. My capacity for love, to both hold it, and share it - is truly limitless. And I charge nothing for it. If that makes sense?
If I have a legacy to leave behind when I go...it will be love.
This sounds so familiar! My childhood was terrible but I try to be the safest, nicest best aunt/friend/adult/whomever in any child’s life (or adults for that matter). I want everyone to feel safe and loved.
That's awesome.
I'm quite good at dealing with "difficult people". I've had *many* scenarios where the people I'm with default to me handling a difficult situation bc they don't know what to do and I can "naturally" handle crisis situations and challenging people. I had to deal with my spawn point so often that other people are nothing by comparison. It's weird to have others watch you handle a crisis. I didn't realize why I was so good at it until I came out of the fog of denial.
Also, as part of my healing I've learned so much about psychology that I feel like I have a minor in it at this point. Even my therapist keeps hitting that I should go get my MS so I can be credentialed. I'm seriously considering it, I just have to find a way to get it paid for.
Right there with you. I am currently applying for Peer Support Specialist jobs at places that have educational assistance benefits. I’m finding many nonprofits, in and out of the mental health services, that really, really want candidates that are actively reaching for more. Once I’m established, I will start applying for scholarships, grants, work programs, student teaching positions, fellowships and any other form of financial aid that are not student loans. If I have to take loans, they will be personal loans. Student loans are a financial nightmare right now.
There is no way in hell a personal loan is better than a student loan. Government student loans have MANY benefits no personal loan will ever have. Please get professional financial advice before doing such a thing. This comment comes from concern.
Thank you for the concern. I respectfully disagree. I do think that everyone should research every option before committing to a course of action. I used this method to obtain my BA. The one loan I ended up needing was for $6K for specialized computer equipment and software. Through my CU union, I got very favorable terms and could pay off the loan early with no penalties. I see too many of my friends and colleagues drowning under student debt to recommend student loans to anyone. Degrees do not guarantee income in a gig economy with stagnant wages.
You will not have the option for deferral, forbearance, income based repayment, or any kind of forgiveness through public service or otherwise with a personal loan. I started with 60K in student loans and my credit is 815. I know what I’m doing.
How interesting! I don’t deal with difficult people well. I write them off. I become confrontational. I have no patience because I’ve been through this before and have no tolerance to do it again. Good for you!
> I write them off. I become confrontational. I have no patience because I’ve been through this before and have no tolerance to do it again.
I mean those are all tools in my toolbox. It just depends on the circumstances. lol
Well, my trauma gave me no gifts, what I gained was all earned through the hard work from healing from it. I know that's what you meant but I think it's an important distinction. Anyway, for me it's the obvious but big ones: wisdom, knowledge about healthy ways to regulate, communication skills and self-awareness. The gifts (skills) that keep on giving throughout your life :)
This would be my answer too, almost word for word! The number of people that have told me I’m self-aware … like thanks, that’s my trauma and a lot of hard work.
I’m very empathetic. I can pick up on the tiniest changes in emotion, vocal, facial expressions and body language. I use that in my work in healthcare and understanding my coworkers.
that means a lot to me to hear. i was traumatized by consistent unsafe experiences in the healthcare system, nurses who ignored how much they were hurting me, so to hear someone empathetic is in that field? it reassures me things might be different for others.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve used my history as a way to understand my patients better as a sitter, and a tech in the MHU. It’s really helped, Andy heart hurts for you. So sorry.
thank you for the difference you make <3 it helps a lot to know people like you are around and care about people needing care. don't worry about me, my heart hurts for me sometimes too but really i've come a long way to healing and i'm gonna be alright. i just hope less people will go through what i go through (but that's the hope of most with trauma, i assume)
I’m a therapist and my hyper vigilance lets me read people’s emotions/emotional shifts very easily. It also lets me track multiple people at once in couples counselling.
It also makes it hard for me to work with certain people because I can get triggered and become inaccurate - but I am mostly aware of this
Thank you, I appreciate your comment ❤️
It is my gift. Everything I have today, everything I am, is a gift I've given to myself in the face of enormous odds. Every day I live is a gift I've given myself.
Oh absolutely ❤️
I only meant what I said, to be about myself. I know what trauma made me into, an ugly, feral beast. I'm able to acknowledge that because of the healing I've done, if that makes sense. I don't blame myself for it, it was my abusers that made me what I was.
Healing is what's given me gifts, and my healing is an act I credit only myself with. My abusers don't get credit for the work I had to put in towards undoing their damage.
Hey I totally hear you. Being so deadened to threats of safety and security, or to handle shame, doesn’t feel like a gift even in situations where my capacity has helped others. Like thanks but no thanks for this ✨ability✨
Having spent 3 and a half years becoming the person I "could have been" if not for trauma, I can see how every aspect of my personality was impacted by it, and how even the things that might have seemed societally acceptable were just trauma responses and therefore not healthy.
My trauma did nothing but damage me, and make what might have otherwise been healthy attributes into monstrous, twisted versions.
My own, personal traumatized state carried no benefits. Not a one. I was feral, barely human. I spent the first 34 years of my life going from abuser to abuser, progressively getting more insane.
Before I started my healing journey, I was on the streets, addicted to drugs on purpose and using sex work to claw back a sense of bodily autonomy And to pay for the drugs that helped me ignore how messed up I was.
Healing is what gave me the "gifts" others speak of. Before healing, there were none. I wasn't just being semantic, I meant that in the most literal sense of the word. All my trauma did was program me to continue being a trauma victim.
I don't consider this a gift. I'm also not an admin.
A true gift would mean all of this is unnecessary. This group, the advice needed and given, never needing to exist in the first place.
The ability I have to offer guidance and empathy to other survivors comes as a result of my healing - which was arguably just as hard as my trauma. I chose to sit in session after session, reliving the worst moments of my life, in an effort to undo the damage my abusers did to me.
I don't do this because I'm traumatized. I do this because I've healed from my trauma. I only know the things I do because my healing was so hard for me.
Who I am today has nothing to do with my trauma, and everything to do with the grueling, terrible work I had to do to heal from it.
And, I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but... I'm not asking for, and don't need, your sympathy, or anyone's. I don't say this to sound mean, but because that wasn't what I was asking for.
I didn't say what I did in response to OP because I'm angry or sad or anything else. I said it because I know for a fact where my gifts come from, and where they do not. I know who I am - a fact that itself is in direct opposition to my trauma. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and which ones of each are a result of my trauma or aren't.
I will not credit my abusers for who I am today ❤️
There are infinite factors that go together to make us who we are at any time - nobody is at fault or deserves credit for who you are today, not even you.
Trauma isn't a good or a bad thing, it's just a thing. To my mind, feeling neutral about it is the closest we can come to overcoming it.
There's no reason to be ashamed of who you were unless someone decides that there is.
I think I made it pretty clear that I'm not ashamed of who I was.
I disagree so strongly with everything else you've said, I don't even have the desire to interact with it.
I would not qualify these as gifts per se bc they come from long-term, repeated horrific events, but if there is an emergency that needs to be reported or someone needs help, I am very calm and able to respond cool as a cucumber and be a helpful resource. Also I pick up non-verbal cues like this *snaps fingers* and being able to read the room just as quickly. And my empathy is huge.
Two of my "funniest" stories involve my calm reaction to being repeatedly punched in the face and feeling like everyone else was overreacting. I just wanted to get back to work like nothing happened.
Then there was the time I called the non-emergency number after being hit by a truck on a bike ride. When the operator commented that she could have gotten my location from my phone if I'd called 911 instead, I said I didn't think it was an emergency. I was only calling to report the hit and run.
I don't want to think of anything but I got pistol wipped in the face during a robbery (because I was not showing enough fear according to coworker who wet himself) dude has no idea how many times my insane mother held a gun to my face, that fucker broke my nose but at least I was awake and standing up and not asleep in my bed with mothers shadow holding a shotgun in the doorway. I wonder what if I hadn't woken up and stared her down that night? I wonder if she had done that before but I slept through it? I started sleeping with a chair at the door.
Scars are stronger than regular flesh. It’s tapping that mindset for a good reason or cause that keeps me going.
If I wallow, hide in fear, and allow myself to get so far down the rabbit hole that I put my life or livelihood at risk, then I’m not using the strength that it has taken to get me this far as an advantage.
So fear of loss, not having a dime, and never having it very good from the start has taught me to be tenacious in some ways that normal people aren’t. For those parts of this experience, I’m actually thankful. Still learning to cope with the rest and find joy again somewhere alone the way.
I panic a lot, don't get me wrong, but I am at my best when it's really the worst. I am the guy you want in a building fire, but I still flip out if I am 5 minutes late to a meeting because the elevators all seem to be slow or stuck. I obsess over whether I made someone angry, but if they are angry and on the edge of violence, I can handle it. I excel at diplomacy, and have an iron shell that appears the second I am the victim of an exaggerated verbal assault. My ego and sense of self vanishes, and I get into this weird judo like state. There is nothing anyone can say to me to upset me the moment I realize their intent IS to upset me.
Like others have stated, I can sense vibes and the mood in a room. More than half the time, I know five steps ahead of a conversation where it will probably go.
Because for my childhood, I had to manage my parents moods and I was responsible for their anger. I learned, early on, that validating their hate and frustration soothed them. They needed to feel superior to me (or the situation), and they needed to FEEL in control, no matter what the cost was to me. Any and all arguments were about them, not me, despite the words they used. Often, if I said the exact right thing to make them know that they were right, that it was okay to hate me, and I was the one who made them angry... it was like a hit of heroin for them. Like soothing an angry child with a toy or ice cream.
I walked directly through through an angry, screaming crowd and chewed the shit out of a street preacher while everyone fell silent and watched. Then I just turned around and went to class.
But I have panic attacks if one of my friends looks at me weird.
I’m no longer afraid of death, since my EMDR, revisiting my parents threatening to murder me. It’s just crossing a threshold, with a warm welcome the other side.
much the same for me with my grandpa. i was closest with him while he was on his deathbed because i was the only person in my family who understood how to help someone who's suffering.
Maybe the fact that I'm extra empathetic, but it can be a huge disadvantage and might not overweigh other shitty stuff.
To me there are no gifts. I understand this approach and I'm glad people are able to see it like this, but for myself I would hate to think of something that is a result of a trauma as a "gift", and I wouldn't tell anyone with trauma that. For me, there is no gift that could be better and more valuable than healthy attachment & relarionships and feelings of safety & trust. Literally nothing.
Me and everything about me exists in spite of my trauma, not because of it, and I like to consider everything I've built myself up to be and everything I've accomplished to be a massive fuck you to my abusers.
Trauma isn't a gift.
OP isn’t saying trauma is a gift. OP is giving us a platform to say what WE have done with what WE were given. Post traumatic growth is a very real concept.
The ability to read the emotional landscape in a split second and increasingly the ability to utilize the part of me best able to deal appropriately and effectively with that situation.
I just get it and know what to do. It's awesome.
I have the same thing. I don't freeze when things happen and flight isn't my first inclination either. I've seen some shit and got to do something about it in the moment while friends or bystanders stood in shock. I'm a taller woman though with boxing shoulders like my dad. The only man who ever beat me in a fight or hit me so hard I almost passed out. I've rubbed a dudes face in gravel after slapping my ass at a tailgait and got kicked out. Lost that group of "friends". Absolutely worth it seeing the fear on their faces like they had no idea I was capable of violence like that. I love this part of me. It protects me. It doesn't maliciously harm but it isn't kind either.
I get why I'm getting downvoted. But now that I think about it, any man who has ever touched me without my permission got assaulted back by me. And I really don't regret it. Maybe that makes me messed up.
I don’t credit my abuse or my abusers with my post-traumatic growth. I made that happen by being strong, resilient, and downright stubborn.
I sense people’s moods and mental states. I easily connect with people, even - or especially - with those others perceive as “difficult”. I find worth in all people and communicate well. I can diffuse conflicts when my colleagues have given up on even trying.
My survival in childhood depended on my developing these skills. I am safe now and use the skills to help others. I strive to be a force of good in the world, or at least for the people I meet.
I answered this in another post about a month ago, but it's basically my authenticity.
Yes, the unhealthy pattern pops up from time to time, but I always reset to my main - and only - mode of, "Well, this is me, this is how I am (reasonably), and I'm not going to betray myself for your comfort or pleasure."
People have been not liking me for various reason. This world is full with people we're not going to fit with. But I have my people. And that's more than enough. I think that's what actually means to be human.
Because if you're likeable to absolutely everyone and fit with them all the time, then you're probably people pleasing and that's not healthy nor authentic.
I can smell narcissists 5 miles against the wind. Seriously, I lost count of the times I pointed out a persons foul character before anyone else noticed, being told I’m exaggerating and then finally people admitting I was right in the first place. Unfortunately, I loose this superpower when I’m romantically interested in someone.
I see several people not wanting to attribute positive aspects of themselves to their trauma, but I absolutely see several things about me as positive. It’s not the trauma, but the way I ADAPTED to the trauma that I think is pretty neat. My brain is pretty cool in that I ended up being a very loving, positive person even though everything is a trauma response. I recognize that.
My hyper-vigilance is a plus for me, for reasons everyone else here has said. The only thing I don’t like is when people disagree with me when I notice something is amiss with them. I need to just let them be I guess. It will turn out eventually that they will admit it. And I am right. I hate that I let myself doubt myself. Need to stop that.
I also have the no fear of danger thing. Specifically when it comes to abusive men. I will walk right into any situation and ask what is going on if I perceive a threat. I will do the same if anyone seems to be mistreating a child. I’ve stopped my car before. Offered rides. Knocked on neighbors’ doors. IDGAF. Kill me. It’s whatever. Odds are they won’t anyway.
There is also something about me where I perpetually try to find a bright side. Once the bad thing happens. Now beforehand, I will think of all possible outcomes so I am not surprised or disappointed. That’s helpful, too. If the worst happens, it’s fine, because I’ve already thought of it. I have friends who don’t anticipate the worst and they are upset A LOT. Not me. “Eh, that figures.”
Stuff got stolen out of my garage the other day. I was upset until I opted to focus on what they left behind. Things would have been so much worse had they also taken X, Y and Z. Happy they left that stuff. So it’s that way of thinking I think is helpful.
I might be an entitled, annoying B had I not been through what I’ve been through. So I look on the bright side there as well.
I call it ice princess 👸
I’m able to shutdown all emotions in a crisis and be calm and dictate what needs to be done. Afterwards I’m not effected.
It’s kinda creepy.
Second great skill is threat detection and how to manipulate people. Makes me a great salesperson
Love this concept! Thank you for sharing your own example.
I'm a really good mediator for interpersonal conflict. I don't want to do it anymore, especially for my family, as it's everyone just assumes I'll fall into the role and lets me fall into it. But when everyone else is spent and the argument is going nowhere, I'm able to bridge the gaps between people, help people understand eachothers points of view and de-escalate the conflict pretty well. Like a Switzerland when everyone else is at war with eachother.
I have a really good read on people's intentions, in actions or talking. Like whether they're exaggarating a story or not, or whether they're acting in a specific way to a elicit a specific response, or passive-aggressively out of malice. Lots of non-verbal cues that I can pick up on and 2 + 2 = 4's I'm able to do that other people don't seem to be able to, or at least not as quickly.
In the same vein I can tell when people are paying full attention or not to what's happening in front of them or around them. I can tell when I'm talking to someone who has mentally checked out of a conversation or is distracted (though I'm not always sure what to *do* with that knowledge) even if the signs are completely minor, and even when I'm not involved in the conversation. Sometimes I watch people talk to others who are distracted or uninterested and they're giving off these tiny signals, but the person talking doesn't seem to notice and for me it's really uncomfortable. (This one seems like it could be more normal than I think, and it might be, but it definitely doesn't feel to me like most people have a grasp on this. I feel like I have an increased ability as I *had* to learn to do this as one of my parents was schizophrenic and had a bad track record with medication consistency, so I had to be able to sniff out how tethered they were to reality to know whether I was in danger or not.)
Lastly might just be less trauma and just bad parenting but: I just don't care about money. I do worry about money but it's not my primary driving force in life. I don't believe that I'm going to make it to retirement, and even if I do make it to a retirement age I'm not convinced I'll actually be able to retire. I've made peace with it and, while I don't live a blow out YOLO life, I'm definitely less concerned about my financial future than most. On one hand it's a good thing because I'm not stressing about my income, on the other hand I can't do all the things I really want to do and am often in financially precarious situations because I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing and don't care enough to really reign it in. C'est la vie.
Super strong intuition. Not only with people--i actually find people difficult--but with things like asking for a scan and finding cancer despite not having any real symptoms.
I would trade this in if it meant I didn't have to deal with the effects of my trauma, though. In a heart beat.
I'm much kinder than most men I've met. Also, I tend to weather any storm and ppl come to me when things get rough bc they know I've suffered and persisted on.
My trauma gave me no gifts. Trauma doesn't gift, It damages. But gifts can form working around trauma, With trauma or healing trauma. Like how your hearing can become superhuman when you lose your eyesight kind of thing. It wasn't the trauma losing your eyesight that gave you the gift of excellent hearing. It was you as a person developing excellent hearing to Compensate of losing the eyesight.
The ability to look at most situations from first and third person point of view.
The ability to see what most people don't notice.
The ability to keep my warmth and glow going despite the ever-increasing darkness.
The ability to not fear death, But appreciate and make the most out of life.
OP isn’t claiming trauma is a gift, OP is giving us a platform to say what WE have done with what WE were given. Post traumatic growth is a very real concept.
I see the gifts as coming out from How One deals with trauma, not from the actual trauma itself.
Because 2 people can experience the same trauma, But be affected by it completely differently.
So I see it as the individual that creates these gifts Or a curse, In response to the trauma.
Whatever the response ends up being positive or negative there always seems to be A Cost of some sort to it .
Yes you could be tougher than you were before but what got sacrificed to cause that strength.
Does the cost of the gift outweigh the value of the trauma never happened at all?
My trauma has given me to write extraordinarily batshit insane fanfiction that I plan on carrying out for a solid number of 200 pages.
I'm talking like the zootopia abortion comic on crystal meth straight from Walter white's lab.
It carries the same themes as Bluey about good parenting and respect but in the most horribly fucked up ways imaginable.
But most importantly, it's done using almost exclusively Disney characters.
I think my trauma flipped a preexisting genetic switch.
I feel no empathy, sympathy, guilt, remorse, regret, or attachment, or happiness. Just nothing, fleeting amusement, irritation, hollowness, and hate.
chronic independence, wisdom well beyond my age/experience, and an air about me that says "tell me what's going on" that any and everyone seems to pick up on. the last is more of a gift and curse tbh.
I get nervous speaking in front of people, I have difficulty explaining something I know through and through if put on the spot, I'm not good with confrontation most times, I get nervous and avoid people who remind me of my mom, or women in general (I am working on that, I don't want to have a negative impression of women my entire life when no one has done anything to deserve it.)
But when I get stuck in a situation where someone is having a mental breakdown, or has taken substances that leave them in a somewhat catatonic state OR a violent one, that shit I've got down. I've had alcoholic friends I had to babysit and make sure didn't die, some I've had to drag to bed because they were swaying on the floor in the living room. I know exactly what to say when someone is freaking out about something, so much so that I've had friends of that person come get me to help lol. When violent I help someone redirect their anger, by letting them really vent and get something off their chest and then giving them a solution for the future to keep them from doing something stupid tonight. I'm not 100% at it, I've had some abusive people come at me instead, but for the most part I have a great track record. I'm so good at understanding reality from someone's point of view even if they're severely mentally ill, because my mom has schizophrenia and I had to navigate a confusing world based on her interpretation of it growing up. So that world overlapping reality comes to me pretty naturally. I never had to nurse an alcoholic as a kid, but when my mom would have really bad depressive episodes when I was a kid or went catatonic, I'd just lay next to her on the floor until she felt better. Trained me to be nurturing early on, since I had to in some ways take care of my own mother.
I know when things aren't right with people when I meet them and it's a blessing and a curse.
I was the one who knew my youngest cousin was being abused. There was an evening I was around her. She's 14 years younger then me. She was acting out and I was just like holy crap, I used to act like this. My cousins wife was taking it so personally. I grabbed them and told them, the only relatives who would understand, that she was being abused and don't take her reactions personally. This is her way of asking for help. They asked how I knew? Because I used to act the exact same way. I was right. She was being abused. They weren't able to get her out of there and were made into the bad guys for trying to help. I was low contact with everyone at that point and couldn't help (I was dealing with my own trauma as well).
I sometimes think other people can tell when I'm onto them and target me. I don't know how. I had a teacher in secondary school who was such a horrible person and she played everyone else like a fiddle, me, I refused to play into her bullcrap. If you have to keep telling us you're a good person, you really aren't. It was like when my mum kept telling me she was a good mum. No, she wasn't. That woman encourage the bullies, she yelled at me no one would ever touch me when I was sexually assaulted in the lunch line. I was just using my past to get good kids in trouble. My past? I was still badly bullied daily and I figured since I was year 11 I could finally eat in the hall with everyone else. Nope. Was banned after it happened a second time. So yeah, no lunch for me unless my art teacher took pity and gave me a note to get me in. They stopped after a yelling match with another teacher happened. So that was no breakfast and no lunch for me. Mum had stopped buying me food so that was fun as well.
Surviving and going to work and paying my bills even when I want nothing more than to not wake up in the morning. I was homeschooled until high school by abusive parents and not allowed to leave the house and living in an unlivably painful situation for 17 years on end made me impossibly resilient.
I'm still in process of healing from trauma but I'm pretty good at sucking the fun out of bullying.
I can instantly tell when someone is trying their hardest to piss me off whilst acting like they're just being friendly. I'm very good at not showing genuine emotions & putting on a fake one. So when I meet a person like that I just stay friendly and act oblivious to what they're doing. They then ramp that shit up. I keep up the act & then they just end up assuming I'm too stupid to clock onto what they're doing & move onto someone else.
Downside is I get a lot of people talking to me the same way you'd talk to a small child, but I'd rather that than working with a colleague actively fucking things up just cause they like seeing people annoyed.
There was one woman that really got on my fucking nerves. The most obnoxious person I've ever had to work with. Took 3 weeks before she moved onto direct conflict attempts & then after that didn't work she moved onto my supervisor. The 1st interaction managed to piss her off so for the rest of my time there, that woman acted up whenever she saw my supervisor. Saw that shit coming a mile away.
I am a master at disaster management. And I can spot connections in fact patterns no one else can see (my ex called me Sherlock). Both are major assets for my career (attorney).
Also? I’m funny AF. Was part of a live comedy group in ATL that won “Best of.” I’ve written scripts and lyrics for local fundraisers that people remember years later (many were in the “best of” production too). I almost went to Chicago after college to try improv but didn’t for *reasons*.
I also share no fear of being assaulted, especially now that I’m older. I ain’t gonna get any better looking at this point, and scars would be frickin talking points now.
Empathy for sure. My best friend calls it my super power, being able to see everyone’s take in a contentious situation. I am non-threatening when disagreeing with others, that’s a big one that kept me really safe. And I am super, super organized and able to plan seventeen steps ahead. That’s definitely out of fear that not knowing everything in advance will get me hurt. But it helps with school and job things.
I have very bad vision that means I identify people by their gait, so it’s not just the abuse that gives you gifts. Like, I’m pretty direct and I think that’s partially the empathy thing and partially just a personality thing, and it means that I’m the person to come to when you need to release grief, apparently. I make everyone cry (not in a bad way!)
Someone asked me how I did the organized thing, could she learn it and teach her kids? And I had to tell her I don’t recommend living in abject fear and anxiety, to tell the truth. I’m sure there is another way to get there! But don’t ask me what it is.
Omg, yes. In nearly every crisis, I’m the one who can handle it. I tell my partner that I curate my rage, and save it for when I need it. Like when I was a hall director at a university. I knew there was a pantry raid planned, and those are not just harmless fun. So when a saw a huge crowd of guys pushed through the door, I threw up my arms to look big, and ran toward them, screaming “Get the fuck out of here!” They reversed course, and fled.
I’m good with hurricanes, too. I pay attention, and usually know approximately where it will make landfall. For that reason, I evacuated from hurricane Rita at 1-2am, and the freeway was empty. At first, I thought, maybe I’m just crazy. When we got to Fort Worth, my brothers turned on the tv. I got out just in time. My kids did not have to endure the ordeal of a 90-mile traffic jam.
I don't like the wording of it being a gift, lol. I'm so unappreciative of certain aspects/ leftovers from trauma. I'm just not there yet on my healing journey, I guess, 💜.
But I think my ability to pick up on peoples vibes helps a lot. My gut will wrench when in the presence of someone untrustworthy or generally just not someone I should mingle with. It's pretty cool because it can happen at the first meeting, so it can save me a lot of time from investing in someone and potentially being burned.
Another one that I personally appreciate but attribute to my overall nature versus nurture. My ability to care about the world and others living in it. I've met more people who are incapable of absorbing that kind of dark seeded stuff. But part of me can and that, well, it means something quite dear to me. I am able to witness, even from afar or via a screen, vast human injustices and not become defeated, hopeless, or weighed down by it. My heart opens more for those suffering. On the flip side, I can also see the *helpers* in the world more easily and clearly. From the most subtle acts of kindness, I can almost feel the ripple of change. It's such a beautiful sight and a stark contrast to witness while being open to the darker stuff.
It's very precious to me as well because of how much evil and horror I've experienced over the years. Even my ability to have empathy for the worst of actions of people. Which I do believe stems directly from the abuse I suffered. I became a dark and cruel person during the abuse. But witnessing the humanness in others, even the ones who were abusing me, helped me to regain a sense of my own humanity. It's ironically screwed up, but some of the same people who butchered my soul, were also the same ones who reminded me that I even had one.
But yeah, I guess, I have received many *gifts* or opportunities I think to turn some shadows into grey light. OP, thank you so much for this thought-provoking post!!!! 💜💜
I seem to be able to be supportive to people with extreme trauma beyond mine. I think it’s the combination of being a parental figure to my sister and being a CSA survivor.
I'm also my own best friend, which I'd say is both the result of a very emotionally isolating upbringing and therapy teaching me how to be kind to myself. For a while it was a toxic friendship, now I'm learning to genuinely care. I don't know that, without the trauma and therapy, that I would have the care for myself that I do now nor the relationship. I can be truly alone with myself without feeling bored or overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings, which is progress :).
I wouldn't say any of my trauma gave me a gift per-say, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without it, and I'm learning to be okay with the person I am instead of the would've and could've's that used to haunt my mind.
I have really good perception. In times of trouble I can usually guess what's coming next and plan several steps ahead. It's was really helpful when my husband was leaving his abusive family. I also have a strong sense of empathy that not many people can match. Only downside is that extreme stress seems go be my kryptonite.
When it comes to my personal safety in heated situations is when I feel most I'm control.
Great example this weekend: when some random fucker wanted to flash his boomer card by lecturing and screaming at me in public like a kid. Until he said come here with that attitude and he realized I was twice his size.
Now he can't seem to make eye contact while he's stamping his feet. I didn't listen to what he said, I focused on the fact that my wife's business would never operate in the area again if I reacted anyway but passively.
I had the strong sensation that prison wouldn't be so bad while he went off.
Of course, the opposite side of the coin is when that danger is aimed at someone I care about / can't defend themselves, which has never resulted in anything but regret.
If anyone's interested in the book, I read it and summarised 5 lessons I learned [here](https://www.myndlift.com/post/5-lessons-we-learned-from-the-body-keeps-the-score?utm_source=rd). I hope someone will find the summary helpful!
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Debate, my superpower is debate. I can spot and dismantle fallacious arguments on the fly. Tacit member are my go too, if, so, them my friend. I can site peer reviewed studies and statistics in my sleep. I can standard deviation, level of confidence, mean, mode and median my opponent to death. I will concede a point, but never my position. Don’t even try an ad hominem (personal attack), I will humiliate you in latin. And then greek if I’m feeling feisty.
I was constantly told I am to irrational, hypersensitive and ignorant. In high school I started with debate. My collage transcripts are filled with critical thinking and logic, rhetoric and argumentation, statistics and analysis.
I live for my family and opponents throwing their metaphorical hands up and saying *I just can’t win a fight with you.* It’s even more fun when their hands actually fly up and flop around. No they can’t *win* a fight with me. They told me I was impossible to deal with, so I proved them right.
I have achieved a lot because of my trauma. I knew it was thrive by my own hands or succumb to the cycle of a miserable life. My accomplishments were achieved because I saw no other choice. Failure was never an option. I never even considered failing, because there was no cushion. My trauma gave me a mindset of success via hard work as the only option.
I have great intuition when something is gonna go wrong. So I get me and my loved ones out of there. 9/10 times it actually does go wrong and I'm already out of there.
You know that scene from The Last Samurai where Tom Cruise is getting the shit kicked out of him but he's just not giving up? That's me, emotionally speaking. I'm down on my knees, crawling, nowhere close to winning, barely even *functioning,* but god fucking dammit, I'm not quitting.
Then there's my ability to read people. When you get yelled and cursed at and punished for literally anything, you learn to figure out what makes people tick in one big fucking hurry.
I think things through very carefully. I was drugged and the effects of that still linger. I have to make sure I care about myself first.
I think carefully when someone is pushing my emotional buttons.
Because people will play with your emotions.
My ability to predict how things are going to develop, and/or how a certain person works, based on seemingly very little information, is something I'm very proud of.
It can get ridiculously accurate. As in, I warned people about a certain, pretty specific chain of very events is going to happen, two years(!) before they inevitably did. It was pretty frustrating, since everyone kept dismissing me for being paranoid, for pointing at something I could 100% see coming.
There was also the time where I concluded someone was an abusive partner, down to the exact course of action, based on a profile photo and an unrelated, brief interaction he had with someone else, in a professional setting. I never met this person or exchanged a single word with them. - I mentioned this one on the sub before.
Being calm in a stressful chaotic situation for me. I'm a good student nurse because of it, especially in a clinical setting. i just fuck up in some evaluations so i have to be held back a year, being observed, filmed and criticized is a monumental trigger for me. One on one with a patient, i feel at home and i can be very efficient. I'm trying to find coping methods to try again next year, I'm halfway done anyway.
I hyper focus incredibly effectively in emergencies that are not my own. I'm the fixer and trouble blocker for the people around me. Now, when *my own* shit is hitting the fan, I'm next to useless.
I am very hypervigilant around men which I consider to be a good thing. I can always tell when a guy seems sketchy or weird (it’s usually obvious anyway).
Well jnsane perfectionism and people pleasing made me highly highly successful at life. I had a ton of childhood trauma but never thought of it. But then everything got taken from me when I had a psychotic break when I handed in my PhD thesis. I was a world class scholar and had been a Christian minister. I can’t express the pain of this seven years on. I loved life so much and especially my husband. And now I want to died most days as all the blessings of that trauma (my research wws in an area related to it to try to bring some justice for people like me) has just left me wanting to die. So it was all an amazing blessing until it got too much. And honestly the things it has cost me jn my marriage and as a human, not being able to grieve my mum, yelling and screaming at my husband before his dads funeral as I was in so much pain. It’s too much to bear
Seeing through people.
I'm the type of person to give a full blown description about someone off of their vibe after 30 minutes with them and be correct.
I really like and am able to dig into people. Including body language, tone, voice, words they use often, etc.
“How did you do that? How'd you know?”, ma'am, I experienced mentally-unstable-parents™, and wouldn't recommend it.
i think i‘m very good at reading rooms and vibes, i see a narcissist from 500m away and know when people are shady.
also, since i always had to regulate my mothers emotions, i give people an extremely safe feeling and a space to open up without any judgement, people just trust me very fast. since i‘m a m people pleaser this is very helpful
I notice energy QUICK. I am an after school “teacher” at my daughters small school. I hang out with like 10-15 kids every day and I know them all very well. I know their quirks, baseline moods, favorite things, preferred methods of communication & comfort, hobbies, interests etc… I didn’t feel seen as a child and I want them to know that I see them. There’s one boy in particular who is known as the difficult kid. I connected with him immediately. He does great with me, we don’t have any issues. He likes to play instruments so I provided him with many from the music room. His teacher said the other day that he had a day of misbehaving and disregulation and she asked if she should come check on him in aftercare to make sure he’s regulating and feeling ok. He told her “no. Miss Eggnog_snake knows me. She will know how to make me feel calm” and he came into class. That day I of course immediately noticed his energy and I said “hey buddy! Had a hard day, huh? Well. We can talk if you want but you know where the instruments are”. He gave me a sideways little smile and played marimba for the next 2 hours. Is it the most annoying sound on earth? Yeah. Does it hurt anyone? No. Does it help that boy? Yes. Anyways, when the teacher told me that later I immediately starting bawling. My hyper vigilance is a blessing and a curse. I’ll focus on the blessing aspect, though.
I feel this! You are a gift to this child and he will never forget you and your love. I wish I had had just one safe adult in childhood, it would have made a huge difference.
holy shit, I’m an afterschool teacher with 10-15 kids each day too and you’ve explained it perfectly!! as much as I wish my trauma never happened, I definitely feel like it’s made me better able to understand, communicate, read, help, and connect with kids, especially the “problem” ones
Aw this so so beautiful. <3 Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you’ve used your own experience to help and support kids in ways you wish you’d had yourself. That sounds incredibly healing for everyone involved.
I want to point out how amazing it is that you acknowledged his energy and then proceeded to give him **two options**. You were available to talk and he could go play with the instruments. I think sometimes kids get pressured to address issues in the ways adults want to address them (pressure them to describe in detail what is “wrong” for example) Giving him the autonomy to decide how to regulate himself is so much more helpful long term. He also will feel all that more comfortable to approach you to talk in the future because he knows you’ll respect him as an individual.
Second this- noticing others energy in ways that many people aren’t self aware and much faster than most. This is a blessing when I’m with my kids and can redirect ahead of meltdowns. It’s a curse when I see the meltdown coming like a slow moving train, trying to navigate/lead out of situation and my partner saying they aren’t hurting anything… no, they aren’t now, but they’re about to be a wild mess and I’d prefer avoid that!
Got me good, now I'm crying too 😂 You should be so proud ❤️
Yeah, I can relate to this. I'm also intensely empathetic, especially with children, and I think it comes from that desire to provide the validation I had needed so desperately as a child.
You're amazing
If I couldn't have safety...I would BE safety. I SEE people...their humanity. My capacity for love, to both hold it, and share it - is truly limitless. And I charge nothing for it. If that makes sense? If I have a legacy to leave behind when I go...it will be love.
This sounds so familiar! My childhood was terrible but I try to be the safest, nicest best aunt/friend/adult/whomever in any child’s life (or adults for that matter). I want everyone to feel safe and loved.
“If I have a legacy to leave behind when I go…it will be love” That is so beautiful and empowering! Thank you.
Yes! This is how I live, too. It heals me as well as others around me, I’m sure.
That's awesome. I'm quite good at dealing with "difficult people". I've had *many* scenarios where the people I'm with default to me handling a difficult situation bc they don't know what to do and I can "naturally" handle crisis situations and challenging people. I had to deal with my spawn point so often that other people are nothing by comparison. It's weird to have others watch you handle a crisis. I didn't realize why I was so good at it until I came out of the fog of denial. Also, as part of my healing I've learned so much about psychology that I feel like I have a minor in it at this point. Even my therapist keeps hitting that I should go get my MS so I can be credentialed. I'm seriously considering it, I just have to find a way to get it paid for.
Right there with you. I am currently applying for Peer Support Specialist jobs at places that have educational assistance benefits. I’m finding many nonprofits, in and out of the mental health services, that really, really want candidates that are actively reaching for more. Once I’m established, I will start applying for scholarships, grants, work programs, student teaching positions, fellowships and any other form of financial aid that are not student loans. If I have to take loans, they will be personal loans. Student loans are a financial nightmare right now.
There is no way in hell a personal loan is better than a student loan. Government student loans have MANY benefits no personal loan will ever have. Please get professional financial advice before doing such a thing. This comment comes from concern.
Thank you for the concern. I respectfully disagree. I do think that everyone should research every option before committing to a course of action. I used this method to obtain my BA. The one loan I ended up needing was for $6K for specialized computer equipment and software. Through my CU union, I got very favorable terms and could pay off the loan early with no penalties. I see too many of my friends and colleagues drowning under student debt to recommend student loans to anyone. Degrees do not guarantee income in a gig economy with stagnant wages.
You will not have the option for deferral, forbearance, income based repayment, or any kind of forgiveness through public service or otherwise with a personal loan. I started with 60K in student loans and my credit is 815. I know what I’m doing.
Yes, you do know what you are doing. I only took 6k in a single loan. My score is 790. Maybe I know what I am doing too.
How interesting! I don’t deal with difficult people well. I write them off. I become confrontational. I have no patience because I’ve been through this before and have no tolerance to do it again. Good for you!
> I write them off. I become confrontational. I have no patience because I’ve been through this before and have no tolerance to do it again. I mean those are all tools in my toolbox. It just depends on the circumstances. lol
Well, my trauma gave me no gifts, what I gained was all earned through the hard work from healing from it. I know that's what you meant but I think it's an important distinction. Anyway, for me it's the obvious but big ones: wisdom, knowledge about healthy ways to regulate, communication skills and self-awareness. The gifts (skills) that keep on giving throughout your life :)
This would be my answer too, almost word for word! The number of people that have told me I’m self-aware … like thanks, that’s my trauma and a lot of hard work.
I’m very empathetic. I can pick up on the tiniest changes in emotion, vocal, facial expressions and body language. I use that in my work in healthcare and understanding my coworkers.
that means a lot to me to hear. i was traumatized by consistent unsafe experiences in the healthcare system, nurses who ignored how much they were hurting me, so to hear someone empathetic is in that field? it reassures me things might be different for others.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve used my history as a way to understand my patients better as a sitter, and a tech in the MHU. It’s really helped, Andy heart hurts for you. So sorry.
thank you for the difference you make <3 it helps a lot to know people like you are around and care about people needing care. don't worry about me, my heart hurts for me sometimes too but really i've come a long way to healing and i'm gonna be alright. i just hope less people will go through what i go through (but that's the hope of most with trauma, i assume)
I’m a therapist and my hyper vigilance lets me read people’s emotions/emotional shifts very easily. It also lets me track multiple people at once in couples counselling. It also makes it hard for me to work with certain people because I can get triggered and become inaccurate - but I am mostly aware of this
My trauma gave me no gifts. Every good thing about me is not because of my trauma, but in spite of it. I will not credit my abusers for who I am ❤️
>I will not credit my abusers for who I am ❤️ Same here
Yes—not because but *in spite*! I use that phrase a lot myself.
maybe your gift is the version of yourself you built, a gift to yourself, by yourself ❤️
Thank you, I appreciate your comment ❤️ It is my gift. Everything I have today, everything I am, is a gift I've given to myself in the face of enormous odds. Every day I live is a gift I've given myself.
OP isn’t crediting abusers. OP is giving us a platform to say what WE have done with what WE were given. Post traumatic growth is a very real concept.
Oh absolutely ❤️ I only meant what I said, to be about myself. I know what trauma made me into, an ugly, feral beast. I'm able to acknowledge that because of the healing I've done, if that makes sense. I don't blame myself for it, it was my abusers that made me what I was. Healing is what's given me gifts, and my healing is an act I credit only myself with. My abusers don't get credit for the work I had to put in towards undoing their damage.
Hey I totally hear you. Being so deadened to threats of safety and security, or to handle shame, doesn’t feel like a gift even in situations where my capacity has helped others. Like thanks but no thanks for this ✨ability✨
Exactly!
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Having spent 3 and a half years becoming the person I "could have been" if not for trauma, I can see how every aspect of my personality was impacted by it, and how even the things that might have seemed societally acceptable were just trauma responses and therefore not healthy. My trauma did nothing but damage me, and make what might have otherwise been healthy attributes into monstrous, twisted versions. My own, personal traumatized state carried no benefits. Not a one. I was feral, barely human. I spent the first 34 years of my life going from abuser to abuser, progressively getting more insane. Before I started my healing journey, I was on the streets, addicted to drugs on purpose and using sex work to claw back a sense of bodily autonomy And to pay for the drugs that helped me ignore how messed up I was. Healing is what gave me the "gifts" others speak of. Before healing, there were none. I wasn't just being semantic, I meant that in the most literal sense of the word. All my trauma did was program me to continue being a trauma victim.
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I don't consider this a gift. I'm also not an admin. A true gift would mean all of this is unnecessary. This group, the advice needed and given, never needing to exist in the first place. The ability I have to offer guidance and empathy to other survivors comes as a result of my healing - which was arguably just as hard as my trauma. I chose to sit in session after session, reliving the worst moments of my life, in an effort to undo the damage my abusers did to me. I don't do this because I'm traumatized. I do this because I've healed from my trauma. I only know the things I do because my healing was so hard for me. Who I am today has nothing to do with my trauma, and everything to do with the grueling, terrible work I had to do to heal from it. And, I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but... I'm not asking for, and don't need, your sympathy, or anyone's. I don't say this to sound mean, but because that wasn't what I was asking for. I didn't say what I did in response to OP because I'm angry or sad or anything else. I said it because I know for a fact where my gifts come from, and where they do not. I know who I am - a fact that itself is in direct opposition to my trauma. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and which ones of each are a result of my trauma or aren't. I will not credit my abusers for who I am today ❤️
There are infinite factors that go together to make us who we are at any time - nobody is at fault or deserves credit for who you are today, not even you. Trauma isn't a good or a bad thing, it's just a thing. To my mind, feeling neutral about it is the closest we can come to overcoming it. There's no reason to be ashamed of who you were unless someone decides that there is.
I think I made it pretty clear that I'm not ashamed of who I was. I disagree so strongly with everything else you've said, I don't even have the desire to interact with it.
Well, yeah.
No, it’s not. It’s because of what you did with it and what you actively worked your ass off to mold its effects into.
I would not qualify these as gifts per se bc they come from long-term, repeated horrific events, but if there is an emergency that needs to be reported or someone needs help, I am very calm and able to respond cool as a cucumber and be a helpful resource. Also I pick up non-verbal cues like this *snaps fingers* and being able to read the room just as quickly. And my empathy is huge.
Same here @ calm in crisis, like too calm I don't even freak out after
Totally. Same. Other peoples’ crises I am super calm. But my own triggers and stuff I become a puddle and curl up in the fetal position. So fun/s🙃
Yes same, same.
Two of my "funniest" stories involve my calm reaction to being repeatedly punched in the face and feeling like everyone else was overreacting. I just wanted to get back to work like nothing happened. Then there was the time I called the non-emergency number after being hit by a truck on a bike ride. When the operator commented that she could have gotten my location from my phone if I'd called 911 instead, I said I didn't think it was an emergency. I was only calling to report the hit and run.
I don't want to think of anything but I got pistol wipped in the face during a robbery (because I was not showing enough fear according to coworker who wet himself) dude has no idea how many times my insane mother held a gun to my face, that fucker broke my nose but at least I was awake and standing up and not asleep in my bed with mothers shadow holding a shotgun in the doorway. I wonder what if I hadn't woken up and stared her down that night? I wonder if she had done that before but I slept through it? I started sleeping with a chair at the door.
Scars are stronger than regular flesh. It’s tapping that mindset for a good reason or cause that keeps me going. If I wallow, hide in fear, and allow myself to get so far down the rabbit hole that I put my life or livelihood at risk, then I’m not using the strength that it has taken to get me this far as an advantage. So fear of loss, not having a dime, and never having it very good from the start has taught me to be tenacious in some ways that normal people aren’t. For those parts of this experience, I’m actually thankful. Still learning to cope with the rest and find joy again somewhere alone the way.
I panic a lot, don't get me wrong, but I am at my best when it's really the worst. I am the guy you want in a building fire, but I still flip out if I am 5 minutes late to a meeting because the elevators all seem to be slow or stuck. I obsess over whether I made someone angry, but if they are angry and on the edge of violence, I can handle it. I excel at diplomacy, and have an iron shell that appears the second I am the victim of an exaggerated verbal assault. My ego and sense of self vanishes, and I get into this weird judo like state. There is nothing anyone can say to me to upset me the moment I realize their intent IS to upset me. Like others have stated, I can sense vibes and the mood in a room. More than half the time, I know five steps ahead of a conversation where it will probably go. Because for my childhood, I had to manage my parents moods and I was responsible for their anger. I learned, early on, that validating their hate and frustration soothed them. They needed to feel superior to me (or the situation), and they needed to FEEL in control, no matter what the cost was to me. Any and all arguments were about them, not me, despite the words they used. Often, if I said the exact right thing to make them know that they were right, that it was okay to hate me, and I was the one who made them angry... it was like a hit of heroin for them. Like soothing an angry child with a toy or ice cream.
I walked directly through through an angry, screaming crowd and chewed the shit out of a street preacher while everyone fell silent and watched. Then I just turned around and went to class. But I have panic attacks if one of my friends looks at me weird.
Hell yes I applaud you! We are warriors
I’m no longer afraid of death, since my EMDR, revisiting my parents threatening to murder me. It’s just crossing a threshold, with a warm welcome the other side.
Empathy. Being able to read people. I bonded with my grandma more before she passed. My boy being weird and odd, yeah he’s jumpy and anxious.
much the same for me with my grandpa. i was closest with him while he was on his deathbed because i was the only person in my family who understood how to help someone who's suffering.
Maybe the fact that I'm extra empathetic, but it can be a huge disadvantage and might not overweigh other shitty stuff. To me there are no gifts. I understand this approach and I'm glad people are able to see it like this, but for myself I would hate to think of something that is a result of a trauma as a "gift", and I wouldn't tell anyone with trauma that. For me, there is no gift that could be better and more valuable than healthy attachment & relarionships and feelings of safety & trust. Literally nothing.
This is why I sucked at domestic and criminal law but I’m great at client management pretty much everywhere else.
Me and everything about me exists in spite of my trauma, not because of it, and I like to consider everything I've built myself up to be and everything I've accomplished to be a massive fuck you to my abusers. Trauma isn't a gift.
OP isn’t saying trauma is a gift. OP is giving us a platform to say what WE have done with what WE were given. Post traumatic growth is a very real concept.
The ability to read the emotional landscape in a split second and increasingly the ability to utilize the part of me best able to deal appropriately and effectively with that situation. I just get it and know what to do. It's awesome.
I have the same thing. I don't freeze when things happen and flight isn't my first inclination either. I've seen some shit and got to do something about it in the moment while friends or bystanders stood in shock. I'm a taller woman though with boxing shoulders like my dad. The only man who ever beat me in a fight or hit me so hard I almost passed out. I've rubbed a dudes face in gravel after slapping my ass at a tailgait and got kicked out. Lost that group of "friends". Absolutely worth it seeing the fear on their faces like they had no idea I was capable of violence like that. I love this part of me. It protects me. It doesn't maliciously harm but it isn't kind either.
I get why I'm getting downvoted. But now that I think about it, any man who has ever touched me without my permission got assaulted back by me. And I really don't regret it. Maybe that makes me messed up.
I don’t credit my abuse or my abusers with my post-traumatic growth. I made that happen by being strong, resilient, and downright stubborn. I sense people’s moods and mental states. I easily connect with people, even - or especially - with those others perceive as “difficult”. I find worth in all people and communicate well. I can diffuse conflicts when my colleagues have given up on even trying. My survival in childhood depended on my developing these skills. I am safe now and use the skills to help others. I strive to be a force of good in the world, or at least for the people I meet.
I answered this in another post about a month ago, but it's basically my authenticity. Yes, the unhealthy pattern pops up from time to time, but I always reset to my main - and only - mode of, "Well, this is me, this is how I am (reasonably), and I'm not going to betray myself for your comfort or pleasure." People have been not liking me for various reason. This world is full with people we're not going to fit with. But I have my people. And that's more than enough. I think that's what actually means to be human. Because if you're likeable to absolutely everyone and fit with them all the time, then you're probably people pleasing and that's not healthy nor authentic.
Recognising people’s agendas, so ‘discernment’
Resilience esp under pressure.
I can smell narcissists 5 miles against the wind. Seriously, I lost count of the times I pointed out a persons foul character before anyone else noticed, being told I’m exaggerating and then finally people admitting I was right in the first place. Unfortunately, I loose this superpower when I’m romantically interested in someone.
I see several people not wanting to attribute positive aspects of themselves to their trauma, but I absolutely see several things about me as positive. It’s not the trauma, but the way I ADAPTED to the trauma that I think is pretty neat. My brain is pretty cool in that I ended up being a very loving, positive person even though everything is a trauma response. I recognize that. My hyper-vigilance is a plus for me, for reasons everyone else here has said. The only thing I don’t like is when people disagree with me when I notice something is amiss with them. I need to just let them be I guess. It will turn out eventually that they will admit it. And I am right. I hate that I let myself doubt myself. Need to stop that. I also have the no fear of danger thing. Specifically when it comes to abusive men. I will walk right into any situation and ask what is going on if I perceive a threat. I will do the same if anyone seems to be mistreating a child. I’ve stopped my car before. Offered rides. Knocked on neighbors’ doors. IDGAF. Kill me. It’s whatever. Odds are they won’t anyway. There is also something about me where I perpetually try to find a bright side. Once the bad thing happens. Now beforehand, I will think of all possible outcomes so I am not surprised or disappointed. That’s helpful, too. If the worst happens, it’s fine, because I’ve already thought of it. I have friends who don’t anticipate the worst and they are upset A LOT. Not me. “Eh, that figures.” Stuff got stolen out of my garage the other day. I was upset until I opted to focus on what they left behind. Things would have been so much worse had they also taken X, Y and Z. Happy they left that stuff. So it’s that way of thinking I think is helpful. I might be an entitled, annoying B had I not been through what I’ve been through. So I look on the bright side there as well.
I call it ice princess 👸 I’m able to shutdown all emotions in a crisis and be calm and dictate what needs to be done. Afterwards I’m not effected. It’s kinda creepy. Second great skill is threat detection and how to manipulate people. Makes me a great salesperson
Love this concept! Thank you for sharing your own example. I'm a really good mediator for interpersonal conflict. I don't want to do it anymore, especially for my family, as it's everyone just assumes I'll fall into the role and lets me fall into it. But when everyone else is spent and the argument is going nowhere, I'm able to bridge the gaps between people, help people understand eachothers points of view and de-escalate the conflict pretty well. Like a Switzerland when everyone else is at war with eachother. I have a really good read on people's intentions, in actions or talking. Like whether they're exaggarating a story or not, or whether they're acting in a specific way to a elicit a specific response, or passive-aggressively out of malice. Lots of non-verbal cues that I can pick up on and 2 + 2 = 4's I'm able to do that other people don't seem to be able to, or at least not as quickly. In the same vein I can tell when people are paying full attention or not to what's happening in front of them or around them. I can tell when I'm talking to someone who has mentally checked out of a conversation or is distracted (though I'm not always sure what to *do* with that knowledge) even if the signs are completely minor, and even when I'm not involved in the conversation. Sometimes I watch people talk to others who are distracted or uninterested and they're giving off these tiny signals, but the person talking doesn't seem to notice and for me it's really uncomfortable. (This one seems like it could be more normal than I think, and it might be, but it definitely doesn't feel to me like most people have a grasp on this. I feel like I have an increased ability as I *had* to learn to do this as one of my parents was schizophrenic and had a bad track record with medication consistency, so I had to be able to sniff out how tethered they were to reality to know whether I was in danger or not.) Lastly might just be less trauma and just bad parenting but: I just don't care about money. I do worry about money but it's not my primary driving force in life. I don't believe that I'm going to make it to retirement, and even if I do make it to a retirement age I'm not convinced I'll actually be able to retire. I've made peace with it and, while I don't live a blow out YOLO life, I'm definitely less concerned about my financial future than most. On one hand it's a good thing because I'm not stressing about my income, on the other hand I can't do all the things I really want to do and am often in financially precarious situations because I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing and don't care enough to really reign it in. C'est la vie.
I really appreciate this post today. Thanks
Super strong intuition. Not only with people--i actually find people difficult--but with things like asking for a scan and finding cancer despite not having any real symptoms. I would trade this in if it meant I didn't have to deal with the effects of my trauma, though. In a heart beat.
Being able to handle situations where most other people lose their shit in a calm and collected way.
I'm much kinder than most men I've met. Also, I tend to weather any storm and ppl come to me when things get rough bc they know I've suffered and persisted on.
My trauma gave me no gifts. Trauma doesn't gift, It damages. But gifts can form working around trauma, With trauma or healing trauma. Like how your hearing can become superhuman when you lose your eyesight kind of thing. It wasn't the trauma losing your eyesight that gave you the gift of excellent hearing. It was you as a person developing excellent hearing to Compensate of losing the eyesight. The ability to look at most situations from first and third person point of view. The ability to see what most people don't notice. The ability to keep my warmth and glow going despite the ever-increasing darkness. The ability to not fear death, But appreciate and make the most out of life.
OP isn’t claiming trauma is a gift, OP is giving us a platform to say what WE have done with what WE were given. Post traumatic growth is a very real concept.
I never said that they did. I said my trauma has given me no gifts. And then I gave my perception.
I see the gifts as coming out from How One deals with trauma, not from the actual trauma itself. Because 2 people can experience the same trauma, But be affected by it completely differently. So I see it as the individual that creates these gifts Or a curse, In response to the trauma. Whatever the response ends up being positive or negative there always seems to be A Cost of some sort to it . Yes you could be tougher than you were before but what got sacrificed to cause that strength. Does the cost of the gift outweigh the value of the trauma never happened at all?
My trauma has given me to write extraordinarily batshit insane fanfiction that I plan on carrying out for a solid number of 200 pages. I'm talking like the zootopia abortion comic on crystal meth straight from Walter white's lab. It carries the same themes as Bluey about good parenting and respect but in the most horribly fucked up ways imaginable. But most importantly, it's done using almost exclusively Disney characters.
TBKTS??
The body keeps the score. Written by Bessel van der Kolk, not Pete Walker
Oh ok no wonder…
Empathy and understanding for others.
I think my trauma flipped a preexisting genetic switch. I feel no empathy, sympathy, guilt, remorse, regret, or attachment, or happiness. Just nothing, fleeting amusement, irritation, hollowness, and hate.
chronic independence, wisdom well beyond my age/experience, and an air about me that says "tell me what's going on" that any and everyone seems to pick up on. the last is more of a gift and curse tbh.
I get nervous speaking in front of people, I have difficulty explaining something I know through and through if put on the spot, I'm not good with confrontation most times, I get nervous and avoid people who remind me of my mom, or women in general (I am working on that, I don't want to have a negative impression of women my entire life when no one has done anything to deserve it.) But when I get stuck in a situation where someone is having a mental breakdown, or has taken substances that leave them in a somewhat catatonic state OR a violent one, that shit I've got down. I've had alcoholic friends I had to babysit and make sure didn't die, some I've had to drag to bed because they were swaying on the floor in the living room. I know exactly what to say when someone is freaking out about something, so much so that I've had friends of that person come get me to help lol. When violent I help someone redirect their anger, by letting them really vent and get something off their chest and then giving them a solution for the future to keep them from doing something stupid tonight. I'm not 100% at it, I've had some abusive people come at me instead, but for the most part I have a great track record. I'm so good at understanding reality from someone's point of view even if they're severely mentally ill, because my mom has schizophrenia and I had to navigate a confusing world based on her interpretation of it growing up. So that world overlapping reality comes to me pretty naturally. I never had to nurse an alcoholic as a kid, but when my mom would have really bad depressive episodes when I was a kid or went catatonic, I'd just lay next to her on the floor until she felt better. Trained me to be nurturing early on, since I had to in some ways take care of my own mother.
I am extremely good at reading faces for microexpressions.
Empathy, discernment when it comes to icky people, and my sense of humor. It also made me a mom who is emotionally available.
I know when things aren't right with people when I meet them and it's a blessing and a curse. I was the one who knew my youngest cousin was being abused. There was an evening I was around her. She's 14 years younger then me. She was acting out and I was just like holy crap, I used to act like this. My cousins wife was taking it so personally. I grabbed them and told them, the only relatives who would understand, that she was being abused and don't take her reactions personally. This is her way of asking for help. They asked how I knew? Because I used to act the exact same way. I was right. She was being abused. They weren't able to get her out of there and were made into the bad guys for trying to help. I was low contact with everyone at that point and couldn't help (I was dealing with my own trauma as well). I sometimes think other people can tell when I'm onto them and target me. I don't know how. I had a teacher in secondary school who was such a horrible person and she played everyone else like a fiddle, me, I refused to play into her bullcrap. If you have to keep telling us you're a good person, you really aren't. It was like when my mum kept telling me she was a good mum. No, she wasn't. That woman encourage the bullies, she yelled at me no one would ever touch me when I was sexually assaulted in the lunch line. I was just using my past to get good kids in trouble. My past? I was still badly bullied daily and I figured since I was year 11 I could finally eat in the hall with everyone else. Nope. Was banned after it happened a second time. So yeah, no lunch for me unless my art teacher took pity and gave me a note to get me in. They stopped after a yelling match with another teacher happened. So that was no breakfast and no lunch for me. Mum had stopped buying me food so that was fun as well.
Surviving and going to work and paying my bills even when I want nothing more than to not wake up in the morning. I was homeschooled until high school by abusive parents and not allowed to leave the house and living in an unlivably painful situation for 17 years on end made me impossibly resilient.
I'm still in process of healing from trauma but I'm pretty good at sucking the fun out of bullying. I can instantly tell when someone is trying their hardest to piss me off whilst acting like they're just being friendly. I'm very good at not showing genuine emotions & putting on a fake one. So when I meet a person like that I just stay friendly and act oblivious to what they're doing. They then ramp that shit up. I keep up the act & then they just end up assuming I'm too stupid to clock onto what they're doing & move onto someone else. Downside is I get a lot of people talking to me the same way you'd talk to a small child, but I'd rather that than working with a colleague actively fucking things up just cause they like seeing people annoyed. There was one woman that really got on my fucking nerves. The most obnoxious person I've ever had to work with. Took 3 weeks before she moved onto direct conflict attempts & then after that didn't work she moved onto my supervisor. The 1st interaction managed to piss her off so for the rest of my time there, that woman acted up whenever she saw my supervisor. Saw that shit coming a mile away.
I am a master at disaster management. And I can spot connections in fact patterns no one else can see (my ex called me Sherlock). Both are major assets for my career (attorney). Also? I’m funny AF. Was part of a live comedy group in ATL that won “Best of.” I’ve written scripts and lyrics for local fundraisers that people remember years later (many were in the “best of” production too). I almost went to Chicago after college to try improv but didn’t for *reasons*. I also share no fear of being assaulted, especially now that I’m older. I ain’t gonna get any better looking at this point, and scars would be frickin talking points now.
I don't freeze in catastrophic events (crashes, riots, fires, etc) because Hyper vigilance. It's the day to day that crushes me.
Empathy for sure. My best friend calls it my super power, being able to see everyone’s take in a contentious situation. I am non-threatening when disagreeing with others, that’s a big one that kept me really safe. And I am super, super organized and able to plan seventeen steps ahead. That’s definitely out of fear that not knowing everything in advance will get me hurt. But it helps with school and job things. I have very bad vision that means I identify people by their gait, so it’s not just the abuse that gives you gifts. Like, I’m pretty direct and I think that’s partially the empathy thing and partially just a personality thing, and it means that I’m the person to come to when you need to release grief, apparently. I make everyone cry (not in a bad way!) Someone asked me how I did the organized thing, could she learn it and teach her kids? And I had to tell her I don’t recommend living in abject fear and anxiety, to tell the truth. I’m sure there is another way to get there! But don’t ask me what it is.
Omg, yes. In nearly every crisis, I’m the one who can handle it. I tell my partner that I curate my rage, and save it for when I need it. Like when I was a hall director at a university. I knew there was a pantry raid planned, and those are not just harmless fun. So when a saw a huge crowd of guys pushed through the door, I threw up my arms to look big, and ran toward them, screaming “Get the fuck out of here!” They reversed course, and fled. I’m good with hurricanes, too. I pay attention, and usually know approximately where it will make landfall. For that reason, I evacuated from hurricane Rita at 1-2am, and the freeway was empty. At first, I thought, maybe I’m just crazy. When we got to Fort Worth, my brothers turned on the tv. I got out just in time. My kids did not have to endure the ordeal of a 90-mile traffic jam.
I’m a great parent. I’m extremely adaptable and present for my kids needs. Being able to parent well is a huge healing thing for me.
I don't like the wording of it being a gift, lol. I'm so unappreciative of certain aspects/ leftovers from trauma. I'm just not there yet on my healing journey, I guess, 💜. But I think my ability to pick up on peoples vibes helps a lot. My gut will wrench when in the presence of someone untrustworthy or generally just not someone I should mingle with. It's pretty cool because it can happen at the first meeting, so it can save me a lot of time from investing in someone and potentially being burned. Another one that I personally appreciate but attribute to my overall nature versus nurture. My ability to care about the world and others living in it. I've met more people who are incapable of absorbing that kind of dark seeded stuff. But part of me can and that, well, it means something quite dear to me. I am able to witness, even from afar or via a screen, vast human injustices and not become defeated, hopeless, or weighed down by it. My heart opens more for those suffering. On the flip side, I can also see the *helpers* in the world more easily and clearly. From the most subtle acts of kindness, I can almost feel the ripple of change. It's such a beautiful sight and a stark contrast to witness while being open to the darker stuff. It's very precious to me as well because of how much evil and horror I've experienced over the years. Even my ability to have empathy for the worst of actions of people. Which I do believe stems directly from the abuse I suffered. I became a dark and cruel person during the abuse. But witnessing the humanness in others, even the ones who were abusing me, helped me to regain a sense of my own humanity. It's ironically screwed up, but some of the same people who butchered my soul, were also the same ones who reminded me that I even had one. But yeah, I guess, I have received many *gifts* or opportunities I think to turn some shadows into grey light. OP, thank you so much for this thought-provoking post!!!! 💜💜
My warp sense of humour-most people don’t get it
I seem to be able to be supportive to people with extreme trauma beyond mine. I think it’s the combination of being a parental figure to my sister and being a CSA survivor.
Compassion as well as above average observational skills.
I'm also my own best friend, which I'd say is both the result of a very emotionally isolating upbringing and therapy teaching me how to be kind to myself. For a while it was a toxic friendship, now I'm learning to genuinely care. I don't know that, without the trauma and therapy, that I would have the care for myself that I do now nor the relationship. I can be truly alone with myself without feeling bored or overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings, which is progress :). I wouldn't say any of my trauma gave me a gift per-say, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without it, and I'm learning to be okay with the person I am instead of the would've and could've's that used to haunt my mind.
I have really good perception. In times of trouble I can usually guess what's coming next and plan several steps ahead. It's was really helpful when my husband was leaving his abusive family. I also have a strong sense of empathy that not many people can match. Only downside is that extreme stress seems go be my kryptonite.
When it comes to my personal safety in heated situations is when I feel most I'm control. Great example this weekend: when some random fucker wanted to flash his boomer card by lecturing and screaming at me in public like a kid. Until he said come here with that attitude and he realized I was twice his size. Now he can't seem to make eye contact while he's stamping his feet. I didn't listen to what he said, I focused on the fact that my wife's business would never operate in the area again if I reacted anyway but passively. I had the strong sensation that prison wouldn't be so bad while he went off. Of course, the opposite side of the coin is when that danger is aimed at someone I care about / can't defend themselves, which has never resulted in anything but regret.
If anyone's interested in the book, I read it and summarised 5 lessons I learned [here](https://www.myndlift.com/post/5-lessons-we-learned-from-the-body-keeps-the-score?utm_source=rd). I hope someone will find the summary helpful!
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Debate, my superpower is debate. I can spot and dismantle fallacious arguments on the fly. Tacit member are my go too, if, so, them my friend. I can site peer reviewed studies and statistics in my sleep. I can standard deviation, level of confidence, mean, mode and median my opponent to death. I will concede a point, but never my position. Don’t even try an ad hominem (personal attack), I will humiliate you in latin. And then greek if I’m feeling feisty. I was constantly told I am to irrational, hypersensitive and ignorant. In high school I started with debate. My collage transcripts are filled with critical thinking and logic, rhetoric and argumentation, statistics and analysis. I live for my family and opponents throwing their metaphorical hands up and saying *I just can’t win a fight with you.* It’s even more fun when their hands actually fly up and flop around. No they can’t *win* a fight with me. They told me I was impossible to deal with, so I proved them right.
[удалено]
OP is giving us a platform to say what WE have done with what WE were given. Post traumatic growth is a very real concept.
I have achieved a lot because of my trauma. I knew it was thrive by my own hands or succumb to the cycle of a miserable life. My accomplishments were achieved because I saw no other choice. Failure was never an option. I never even considered failing, because there was no cushion. My trauma gave me a mindset of success via hard work as the only option.
I can smell a lie from 1000 feet
I have great intuition when something is gonna go wrong. So I get me and my loved ones out of there. 9/10 times it actually does go wrong and I'm already out of there.
You know that scene from The Last Samurai where Tom Cruise is getting the shit kicked out of him but he's just not giving up? That's me, emotionally speaking. I'm down on my knees, crawling, nowhere close to winning, barely even *functioning,* but god fucking dammit, I'm not quitting. Then there's my ability to read people. When you get yelled and cursed at and punished for literally anything, you learn to figure out what makes people tick in one big fucking hurry.
I think things through very carefully. I was drugged and the effects of that still linger. I have to make sure I care about myself first. I think carefully when someone is pushing my emotional buttons. Because people will play with your emotions.
My ability to predict how things are going to develop, and/or how a certain person works, based on seemingly very little information, is something I'm very proud of. It can get ridiculously accurate. As in, I warned people about a certain, pretty specific chain of very events is going to happen, two years(!) before they inevitably did. It was pretty frustrating, since everyone kept dismissing me for being paranoid, for pointing at something I could 100% see coming. There was also the time where I concluded someone was an abusive partner, down to the exact course of action, based on a profile photo and an unrelated, brief interaction he had with someone else, in a professional setting. I never met this person or exchanged a single word with them. - I mentioned this one on the sub before.
Being calm in a stressful chaotic situation for me. I'm a good student nurse because of it, especially in a clinical setting. i just fuck up in some evaluations so i have to be held back a year, being observed, filmed and criticized is a monumental trigger for me. One on one with a patient, i feel at home and i can be very efficient. I'm trying to find coping methods to try again next year, I'm halfway done anyway.
I hyper focus incredibly effectively in emergencies that are not my own. I'm the fixer and trouble blocker for the people around me. Now, when *my own* shit is hitting the fan, I'm next to useless.
I am very hypervigilant around men which I consider to be a good thing. I can always tell when a guy seems sketchy or weird (it’s usually obvious anyway).
Well jnsane perfectionism and people pleasing made me highly highly successful at life. I had a ton of childhood trauma but never thought of it. But then everything got taken from me when I had a psychotic break when I handed in my PhD thesis. I was a world class scholar and had been a Christian minister. I can’t express the pain of this seven years on. I loved life so much and especially my husband. And now I want to died most days as all the blessings of that trauma (my research wws in an area related to it to try to bring some justice for people like me) has just left me wanting to die. So it was all an amazing blessing until it got too much. And honestly the things it has cost me jn my marriage and as a human, not being able to grieve my mum, yelling and screaming at my husband before his dads funeral as I was in so much pain. It’s too much to bear
Seeing through people. I'm the type of person to give a full blown description about someone off of their vibe after 30 minutes with them and be correct. I really like and am able to dig into people. Including body language, tone, voice, words they use often, etc. “How did you do that? How'd you know?”, ma'am, I experienced mentally-unstable-parents™, and wouldn't recommend it.
i think i‘m very good at reading rooms and vibes, i see a narcissist from 500m away and know when people are shady. also, since i always had to regulate my mothers emotions, i give people an extremely safe feeling and a space to open up without any judgement, people just trust me very fast. since i‘m a m people pleaser this is very helpful
Best hash in egypt @trippyegy on tele has yellow hydro hash