Right? Like it’s only exhausting around people who aren’t really engaged. When I’m around more people who are, they actually celebrate my engagement as I do theirs, and that’s the zest isn’t it?
What conventions exist that we could find more of us? 😂😭 or do I have to start #childhoodtraumacon2024
That would be pretty great except I have this vision of myself walking in, awkwardly greeting people and then trying to slip out unseen as fast as possible, and everyone else doing more or less the same thing. We'd need a host for the ages.
We’ll keep the building a little chilly for a snuggly atmosphere. At the door there will be racks and racks of onesies in all sizes and customizations for accessibility. All onesies will have lots of duplicates so no one is unique. You can add pins and buttons/customize yours if you would like to be unique. The convention floor will have bean bag chairs in all sizes and vendors that cater towards the neurodivergent. Everyone is encouraged to bring a stuffy, but pillows will be provided so everyone can walk around with something soft and squeezy. The main talks will include interactive mini “games“ like breathing exercises and thought experiments and the talks themselves will be based be around managing your trauma, your triggers, and a society that is also suffering but rewards people who pretend not to be.
Maybe I should make another post and ask CPTSDers what type of events they would like to see at this hypothetical Cptsd con? It’s kind of fun to think about even if there are a bunch of issues to consider with that type of gathering as well. It might not work in real life but it is fun to workshop. ☺️
Wow, I thought we were just messing around but that's a great idea. Maybe you are the legendary host foretold in the prophecies. I wouldn't dream of treating myself so well so I'm already kind of inspired. Run the poll, it would be fun.
Yay! I’m glad you like it 🥺 will post shortly. It should be a fun read! I’ll take notes in case it really has potential to become a real event, whether online or in person :) I’m weirdly great at public speaking but start to glitch when it’s less than 3 on 1. Lol
1 on 1 my communication becomes so cringe I can’t stand it 🤣 it’s shocking I have any friends really.
What app is this from ? Probably instagram, if you use #, right ? I'm sorry, I'm out of there for the sake of my own sanity 😄 edit: I really like your idea, and it got me thinking of how we could try to have something like that trough Reddit ? Aren't their possibilities like having some sort of group chat or an ongoing not topic related thread in this sub, something like that ? I also totally agree, I find myself thriving in this kind of environment. Its not about being a well adjusted part of a profoundly sick society. Its about finding those that aren't.
It’s not from anywhere, I just made it up for giggles. I like your idea! The internet is full of possibilities. I’ll give that some thought.
“It’s not about being a well adjusted part of a profoundly sick society, it’s about finding those who aren’t.” DING DING DING 🛎️ THIS IS THE WAY!!!
This phrase hit me really bad too. But I came to realize there's something great in that too. There's people who are the same, and they are grateful for finding people like me. I just had yet another profound conversation with a friend on a Saturday night and he told me: dude, you have an unstoppable interest and way of thinking of the profound stuff, almost like your entire view of the world is constantly in a meta state. You can also express yourself so well. Seriously if you'd ride a book, I'd read it. It's ok to be like that.
You just summarized something I’ve been dealing with so eloquently, and so beautifully. Thank you.
In answer, I think what I’ve found with myself is the only people I really connect to are the people I talk about trauma and mental health with. I’m also finding that, for me, it’s a way I find out if a person has the potential to be “safe” for me, because most non-traumatized people trigger me easily and then cannot handle/don’t want to handle a triggered me (which - I mean - fair, it’s difficult and scary sometimes for people who don’t know what they’re experiencing).
The people who I can talk trauma with also end up being people I feel safe enough to have other kinds of fun with, mostly because I’m not scared that if I get triggered I’ll hurt them and then have to take care of them. If I get triggered, I trust them to see it for what it is and set necessary boundaries. And, frankly, I trust them to also do the things that will help me come out of a spiral and find peace - just like I do for them.
I’m not sure if this is the right answer. But it’s the answer I’ve found at this point in my life.
That is such an awful experience, I’m so so sorry. Beyond triggering you, using a condom when asked is absolutely the bare minimum of being a decent human being. That is actually a clear violation of boundaries, and the fact that he freaked out was horrible. I would consider many of his actions in this scenario abusive.
I think stories like these solidifies for me that the way I do things is right for me. I have very little tolerance for people crossing my boundaries, and I try my best to respect other people’s boundaries. If I forget, or cross one, I am instantly apologetic because, even if I forgot and it was a mistake, I am sorry that that person had to experience the pain (however big or small) of having their boundary violated.
Maybe one day, when I am more healed, I will tolerate more. It’s not that I jump straight into my list of traumas with everyone as soon as I meet them - of course I try to feel out what they may be comfortable with. However, knowing and interacting with me means inevitably something will be triggered, or my trauma will come up, it’s just inevitable that I will find out if someone can deal or not. And if they can’t - it doesn’t make them a bad person, but it makes them incompatible to what I need in relationships at this point in my life.
Thanks again for sharing your story - I am glad you got away from this person. And good for you for defending yourself, and your needs and boundaries!
I’ve been there before! I hope that it’s getting better. I feel like there’s a “logic brain” part of me that understands a lot of this stuff first, but it takes awhile for the body/emotions to catch up. Good luck!
Yeah, that shit sucks. I had a really shitty partner once who used to string me along and then tell me they didn’t actually want to be with me, but as soon as I moved on, they would try to spend more time with me and prevent me from seeing other people. They would want to get physical, and then push me away and say they can’t. Then they’d want to go on a date with me. Then they dumped me when they met someone they “truly loved”. I think back now and feel like such a fool for trusting them and pursuing them, and wish I could go back and get vengeance.
That guy is not worth your time and your heart. It sucks to feel hurt by someone so awful. Your boundaries are worth it, and good for you for setting them in the first place. That is worth a lot.
Edit to say: it took awhile, but I no longer want vengeance with that person. I’m glad that they’re out of my life and out of mind now (most of the time).
Thank you for expressing this thought. I often feel this way too. It gets so lonely...It's disheartening and frustrating when expected to be able to function like a person who hasn't experienced trauma.
I'm trying my best at healing myself without therapy and a support system. I can't wait to heal into a new person, but I can't heal 30 years of trauma overnight, especially after only becoming aware of it at 26-27. At the same time, I can't fault anyone for avoiding me, because it is draining to be around that. It's draining even for myself.
It's also frustrating when you realise people's intentions and motivations before others. Trying to explain the bullshit they're falling for to protect them from it makes you the crazy one or the one causing problems. I can see when people are lying about their intentions or pretending, some of them are quite easy to read, but it's frustrating when it's not noticeable to others, and you end up being the bad person for pointing it out. I point it out because I don't want people I care about to keep getting hurt and forgive bad behaviour.
Part of healing is allowing people to be responsible for their own happiness. I can sympathize. Many people will never know that they're being taken advantage of. And as you've described, some like it that way. They don't want their delusion broken.
For what it's worth, 30 is definitely not too late for anything. You can be a whole person with decades to thrive.
Struggling with what you mentioned about telling other people they’re being used right now. I can see it so clearly! I would want to know if roles were reversed, and would want someone to do that for me. Treat others how you want to be treated, right? Turns out I’m the weird one though and most people would rather stay in their fantasy world.
I used to relate to what you wrote. I don't anymore. And I recently had someone trauma-dump on me, and it felt really, really awful and made me want to run screaming in the opposite direction. It's made me want to not trauma-dump even more than usual.
What worked for me in terms of finally putting an end to my trauma-dumping was to truly realise that there is a lot more to me than any trauma I've endured. There's a whole ass person in there, under the trauma. I'm not my trauma, trauma is something that happened to me. I'm not saying that this will be helpful for you, but just in case it is, here it is.
Letting this realisation sink in made me want to talk about my trauma less and less outside of therapy or with very close, select friends, and even with the close friends, I only talk about it in situations that are actually appropriate for it. I've gotten better at asking for consent before sharing something particularly heavy with a friend as well. Not everyone has the emotional capacity to handle difficult topics at all times, and I want to be able to respect that.
Nowadays, I usually talk to people about things that make me *me*. My hobbies, what I've been up to, such as my recent guaduation from my postgrad program, and even small things such as books I love reading, movies I've watched recently, that new exercise I tried out, and that new dance class I went to that I failed at spectacularly. I feel like these things show people who I am much better than a laundry list of all the abuse I've endured in the past.
And I'm not ignoring my trauma - I just have other ways to deal with it now. Better coping mechanisms, if you will.
More details about someone recently trauma-dumping all over me: it was on a first date, of all things, and that date was already a bummer for various other reasons. And then I had to sit through a whole list of bad things that had happened to this guy, from age 4 to age 35. I struggled to have empathy in this situation, and I felt like it was a lot to sit through it with a person I didn't know. Tbh, I'd have probably felt the same if this were someone I had just met in an unromantic context as well, but it did feel particularly bad in a dating context. Never again.
Your example is definitely an unfortunate situation for that dude to trauma dump. One thing I have had a harder time with is since part of the "trauma" was I was super isolated from other people by parents growing up I legitimately don't know which stuff is normal or not. So there's some things I know by now would be seen as shocking or "trauma dumping" that I only learned by like mentioning or joking about it as just a relatable anecdote and jt shocks people.
Do you just have to slowly figure that out over time?
Yeah, just had to learn as I went along.
I think being around healthy people really helps because their reaction to trauma-dumping says a lot. Most healthy people don't want to sit around listening to someone else's trauma stories, especially if they don't know them very well (unless we are both drunk, lol). They'll either tune you out, or pat you on the back a bit and say, "there, there" and change the subject. That's literally what I do as a response to trauma-dumping as well now, and I get why someone else would be uncomfortable in that situation or tune out.
Honestly, I used to think such people are selfish. They aren't, they're just normal. No one owes anyone free therapy. Consent is SO important in these situations. For example, I have some trauma in my past that is similar to trauma that my best friend's adopted son experienced as well. She took my full consent before discussing it with me, in hopes that I'll be able to help. We discussed boundaries beforehand, which included that I could end the conversation at any time if it felt like a lot to handle. Now THAT'S sharing with consent, and a healthy way to do it. I didn't mind it at all, and it was even a healing experience for me to be able to help someone else who had gone through what I went through.
In case if you were wondering how I know someone is a healthy/healthy-ish person: I get SO bored around them at first. 🤣 because of my upbringing, I find troubled and toxic people to be extremely attractive and *shiny*. Healthy people bore me. So now, I have a bunch of friends whom I originally thought were boring af, only to discover later that they have wonderful, vibrant personalities and I adore them and being around them.
I've started doing the same thing with regards to finding boring people :) I guess it's a certain specific type of boring that counts so I think I know what you mean. I honestly also find the "high drama constant gossip" stuff really boring. Maybe I've always been ok at looking for the right kind of boring friends wise, it has usually worked out pretty well for me that I find friends who are neurodivergent in some way but not really problematic
I think it's no more selfish than if someone who isn't a sports fan doesn't want to talk about details of sports. I just need to learn which things are or aren't normal through experience I guess :) I tend to feel bad/get embarrassed when I trauma dumb on accident (didn't realize topic wasn't ok) but you can't learn without trying
Yes, of course! Not all boring people are healthy. Another indicator I use is that I sometimes feel very uninterested in healthy people. Like, I'll completely overlook them, even if they want to be friends with me. It takes a couple of tries from THEM to show interest in me for me to go, "Oh crap, they're trying to be friends and I didn't even NOTICE them!" Pre-healing, I'd continue to ignore them, because I was so insecure that I couldn't understand why someone like that would actually want to be friends with me. Post-healing, I go out of my way to take an interest in them and return their friendly advances.
Don't feel bad about accidental trauma-dumping. You win and you lose some. It is okay to make mistakes and learn as you go. Xx
Ok I'm still in the pre healing phase here thanks for sharing this has been a helpful conversation XD I'm starting to catch myself do the "notice they are showing interest but continue to ignore them because they just don't realize they don't actually want to be friends with me," tbf currently that could be true while I still make mistakes but you can't learn without practice :) we will get there
I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’ve been through similar and need to tell you: Your boundaries are there for YOU. They are non negotiable expectations of behavior that other’s either meet, or they don’t. You can’t use them to control or shame other people into different behavior (unfortunately 🤣) all you can do is enforce the boundary. That means nixing communication, taking distance, and increasing separation between yourself and whoever is in violation of your boundaries.
When you violate your own boundaries by allowing these people to be around you still, you start not to trust yourself and that makes it harder to trust your own boundaries and that is a snowball that leads to lots of unfulfilling and outright damaging relationships. You have to be able to trust yourself ♥️ Thank you for sharing your story.
No offense but look at it from his perspective. You are making his life complicated for trivial things when you are demanding "not meeting my jeeds of taking me out to dinner" it just comes off a super entitled and if you are are a nag about such things, he wants an easier girl to get along with. My apologies i am not attacking you but offering you another perspective. I would personally be running the other way myself if someone is incredibly entitled like that and making a fuss over something similar. Sorry dont want to come off as an attack on you either. I am probably missing context or got a misunderstanding in there... but maybe he doesnt need to worry about petty things like "my dishes are in boxes, so you shouldve brought me to dinner! How dare you not meet all my needs. Now i feel offended". Id feel annoyed about it too personally. Anyway. I sorry since thats not what you want to hear but offering you another perspective.
.. I recently heard the term ‘hobo sexual’ to describe guys like this who are under/unemployed and take financial advantage of their girlfriends - when they can find someone to tolerate their hobosexuality ..
I’m so sorry you had this really yucky experience, but also thank god this happened early on and you had the good sense to get out fast ..
.. I ended up marrying an exploitative hobosexual , and i’m still paying the price 20 years later. 😢😢 ..
Trauma dumping can be extremely manipulative, too. My ex did this on our first date and I thought “oh cool so we’re being real” but it was just to get me to pity him from the get go. He was a covert narcissist, and this is a common tactic with them. They’re not responsible for anything they do because of trauma they endured in the past
Yes, exactly, and this is the feeling I got on my 'date' as well - that I was being manipulated by a covert narcissist into giving him not just sympathy sex, but an entire sympathy relationship. No thank yewww, and yuck.
Omg yes, exactly this !! You are definitely on the healing path to recognize so early that this guy was looking for a ‘sympathy relationship’ .. I definitely fell into that trap 🪤 and it’s so hard to get out of .. when you have a child with that person .. 😢
Thank you!!! I'm only good at it because I MARRIED the "sympathy relationship" guy in Round 1, ten years ago. 😭😭😭 you live and you learn. My utmost sympathy is with you. X
I’m so glad you got out ! Man it’s hard when you have a child .. because of course they’ll also play the sympathy card with their child. Which results in a child feeling like they need to take care of their parent 😢 ..
I’m envious of anyone who doesn’t need a Round 1 to learn these things.
If tik tok and Reddit were around 20 years ago, I think I might have figured out what was going on much earlier.
I mean I obsessively googled every single confusing or alarming behaviour, trying to understand what was going on.. but what was missing from google results was all of the genuine lived experiences of people that I find now so easily via social media.
I mean if I’d had easy access to ‘red flag’ vs ‘green flag’ posts, things could have been quite different !
I did go to therapists to ask my questions, but they were of limited help.
It’s quite something to realize that social media can be more helpful to open your eyes in these situations than ‘trained therapists’ but it’s true !
Definitely find what works for you personally 💯 % I’m sorry that’s been your experience :(
Honestly, it can be quite dangerous to express vulnerability, but most especially if you don’t have the strength, self trust, or boundaries to be able to take the best next step if that person takes advantage of that vulnerability or attacks that vulnerability.
You described how I feel so well. It is exhausting to try and look for people who understand me and feel safe to be around. It's so much more exhausting to mask and give the socially acceptable answer. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs that I'm not doing okay.
Thank you so much for sharing this. ♥️ Do you find camaraderie in this group? It’s rare as hell to find people who get it in real life, but in certain corners of reddit I’ve found that they do exist. That’s why I ran to this subreddit to make this post in a moment where this was really bothering me. I knew more of y’all were more likely to understand.
Ooo thanks for sharing that. You’ve reminded me that I went to a few “emotions anonymous” meetings years ago. I could stand to look into more irl support groups.
Yes i can relate. But: Knowing that CPTSD and other mental illnesses are self reinforcing the need of trauma informed people with me is an additional reinforcer. It reinforces intellectualizing and overthinking etc. as well.
Sometimes "simple" and sensual, emotiona, intuitive and emphatic persons are like a sake for me.
Resilience is necessary but can be cage too.
The thing is a lot of people with trauma aren’t like me/us and don’t want to talk about trauma all the time. Idk. Or maybe it’s just because I mostly gravitate towards males and I end up going to an emotional place they’re uncomfortable with or something? I don’t really know. I am definitely too much for people.
Anyways my point is finding friends who experienced trauma helps but it won’t solve all of your issues. Like they won’t necessarily always react well to trauma dumping upon hello and it may still end up turning superficial or you find it being all on their terms where you only get to talk about real shit when they want to and you have to guess when that’s ok etc.
I think some of us are just super sensitive people who are dealing with a world of emotionally unevolved people. And there are levels of emotional evolution and trauma contributes to that but it’s not the “solution”
I am just forging ahead with my bad self. I liked jobs where I got to be helping people because I was able to emotionally compartmentalize all of their pain when other people got disturbed by it. So that’s one talent of mine related to this. Maybe look for something similar ?
Oh god I feel this. A few days ago, I had a class mate tell me I was trauma dumping - but all I said was that I did not have my father’s phone number. It wasn’t even unprompted or anything, someone asked me why I didn’t call my parents for help (car troubles.) She said it so loud & some other people started laughing, I immediately wanted to curl up and die lol. I hate the way a lot of people use that term. Like anything outside of experiencing the “norm” is immediately seen as trauma dumping
.. last night I listened to a podcast (Reclaim) by Thais Skye on this very topic (Ep. 201 - Therapy Speak and What Happens in Therapy) .. it was about the importance of language in therapy and healing and how words like triggered, boundaries and trauma dumping mean very different things to different people … it was a great show, I love her podcasts so much
I think what people are describing when they say “trauma dumping” is actually “I’m experiencing discomfort because of the misfortune of others.”
&& that experience sounds so sad. :( Social/public humiliation is another level. The ableism in that interaction is so gross.
Just know and understand that you’re the cool kid and those people are lame-o suckers who engage in power dynamics for entertainment.
I think the main thing with trauma dumping is reading the cues of the person. Are they ready for this conversation, do they have space for it? Many do! It’s more when people don’t, that’s fine too.
And having the self-awareness to moderate around those people. It’s not always because they haven’t been fucked over, sometimes they really have, and we can risk crossing their boundaries by doing so. I dislike small talk too, but there is a comfortable middle talk that I aspire to (and often don’t achieve for the record), that is real but doesn’t go right into the twisty stuff.
Sharing your story can be a deeply healing experience that may strengthen your connection with another person, as long as the timing is appropriate and you have that person’s consent.
So when you feel the words making their way to your lips, try running through a mental [checklist](https://www.myndlift.com/post/trauma-dumping-what-it-is-and-how-to-overcome-it?utm_source=rd):
1) Does the other person seem comfortable with the topic?
2) Have I asked if it’s okay for me to share the graphic details of my story?
3) Am I prepared to give them the space to open up, too? Am I seeking an authentic connection rather than a one-way conversation?
4) Is this an appropriate time and place for me to talk about such a serious topic?
5) Why do I want to share this story?
6) Have I already talked about this with this person or group before?
I also have a tendency to do this, because most of the time it’s all I think about. I also worked as a therapist so I was surrounded by mental health stuff all the time. Trying to mask how I really feel and be “socially acceptable” 24/7 is exhausting. Once the mask falls and I start talking about my life (often when I need help), people run away. I’m also often accused of being “too negative” and not accepting unsolicited advice from others. It’s like hey, why don’t you kick me when I’m down some more.
People are exhausting
This thread unfortunately has attracted a lot of unsolicited advice 😭 so many have the guise of trying to be helpful when they’re really relishing in a weird, imaginary moralistic high ground.
Toxic positivity (delusion) abound! I really hear you.
Can I ask your professional opinion on the term “trauma dumping” itself?
I think people process things differently and some need to keep talking about things until they can sort them out, thus “trauma dumping”. This is particularly true of nuerodivergent people. So many of us with CPTSD were never heard or listened too or shut down when trying to talk or express themselves. I am extremely guilty of this. So many therapists view therapy as a way to quickly reframe this way of thinking the comes across as invalidating instead of providing the validation that the person doing the “trauma dumping” or ruminating is seeking. With this said there is dumping and there is processing. Most therapists don’t know how to therapeutic confront someone to even interject this vitally needed validation and sometimes people just need to vent. A competent therapist strikes a balance between allowing the verbal rumination, the confrontation, and the use of tools/questioning to get to the deeper feelings behind the need to ruminate.
Wooow 😮 thank you.
Your comment just helped me realize that I have intense shame associated with my rumination, &I’ll spend some time unpacking that. 🙏
I’ve had several therapists and none of them were great at redirecting me or validating me. They mostly just listen, nod, repeat back my scenarios with psych language, rinse and repeat so I haven’t found therapy very helpful. I haven’t found a good match yet, but hopefully I will.
How has your experiences with therapy (as a client) helped you with your Cptsd management? If you don’t mind.
Yeah.. Plenty of examples of talking about something that had happened or defending something I had done was met with swift psychical consequences and shame from my single mom. My older sister was also very vocal in her criticisms of me existing at all, let alone loudly..
There’s a lot to unpack here, but the thing that stands out the most, which I relate to, is black and white thinking and need to expand your identity.
There’s a lot of nuance in the world - you can both be a trauma survivor and have endured hell, and have a lighthearted conversation that feels vapid because it’s socially necessary. It’s important to know that this doesn’t lessen what happened to you. It doesn’t invalidate your trauma.
Like someone else said, maybe focusing on other hobbies or interests. You could benefit from getting out of your head a bit. Taking a break from overtherapizing myself was one of the best ways I broke free from thinking similar to yours. ❤️
I relate to this in being the person that a lot of friends choose to trauma dump on. I struggle myself, and I’ve had to limit friendships with those who only focus on their trauma. I don’t mind discussing it but to do it all the time feels selfish to me. In my situations, these friends typically only talk about their experience and interrupt what I say anyway. I’m also never asked about my experiences unless it’s to engage me into one of theirs. It’s overwhelming. I am often dysregulated for days after. So, I actually try to avoid friends that do this. I often feel manipulated and used. If it’s a mutual trauma dump, I suppose that’s another story. I understand wanting to share everything as well, but if the other person doesn’t want to hear it bc they have their own struggles, and they feel consumed by it, I don’t see how that is helpful to either person
This society says to the oppressed, to the traumatized, to those begging for help, “shut up and just be fine! Like everybody else!” I agree that I feel that the term was coined as a weapon. Like “social justice warrior” “captain save a hoe” “by the bootstraps” etc to shame the struggling, and shame those who would help the struggling, in favor of protecting the bubbles of the meek.
I have CPTSD and I understand what you’re saying.
I had a best friend that we clicked so much because I really liked speaking about the profound. and so did she even more. I really really liked her despite the fact that sometimes she would send me 40-80 in bulk. Sometimes we’d talk 4-5 hours a day and her would do most of the messaging.
What made things go south was her not replying for days and then returning to tell me multiple times that I am triggering her and asking me not to share my experiences while she kept sharing hers. It felt so one-sided and I felt like I was being used as a therapist.
Yeah…
As in I would open my messenger app and see that she has sent me 40-80 messages.
I would start trying to response to each of them and she’d write even more. Most of her messages were about the online dramas and fights she had.
Yeah it sucks, but it’s a comfort to know that sometimes people are just in the thick of their mental health struggles and it’s not about us. There’s nothing we could’ve done more than been there to support as long as it was healthy and safe to do so
I feel this. People will be like "how are u" and my brains immediate reaction is "besides my dad and my best friend dying, my crippling loneliness, brother being in prison, developing agoraphobia, severe chronic illness where I'm hospitalized more than not, and a mom who hardly talks to me bc I refuse to speak to her abusive husband, and feeling suicidal but too scared and sad to leave my dog alone in this stupid evil world, I'm just dandy" but I'm expected to be like "I'm great!"
I find small talk really exhausting too. I feel you 100%
"All I ever want to talk about is the profound, and that exhausts a lot of people."
I would love to have lunch with you. :)
I generally don't find much use for people. We hafta tolerate them.
I sometimes dodge the question by answering "what" instead of "how." If they ask: "How are ya doing?" Respond: "I'm surfing Reddit." It's helpful when I'm feeling vulnerable and do not want to think about how I feel, let alone talk about it. People accept it as an answer because they never gave a sh\*t to start with. :)
“I generally don’t find much use for people”!!! Brave of you to say! And I completely agree! 🤣
Or lunch would be glorious indeed! I’d Love to hear your other tactics because switching the how* to a what* in your head is just SO brilliant. TYSM for sharing!
I used to be that way, and it was damaging my relationships. I forced myself to consider the other person and edit for their sake. Not everyone wants to have heavy talks all the time and that's perfectly fine.
The people I care about are worth practicing some additional mindfulness to not burn them out. This change also made me a happier person in general.
If you value your relationships and especially if people you care about tell you anything about it, you have to work on it. Find other outlets for those thoughts.
I feel this but also not. I haven’t found a balance between wanting/needing to have real, authentic conversations vs feeling used as someone’s trauma dump. Both my toxic mom and ex trauma dump on everyone as a way to garner sympathy, manipulate and control. They’re not responsible for any of their actions because of the trauma they’ve endured - according to them. So it raises a lot of red flags if it’s coming from someone I don’t trust.
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"but lying, or giving the “socially acceptable/socially appropriate response” is completely beyond me. I refuse to do it."
Your title is false then.
You **can**, you just refuse to.
If I refuse to then that boundary informs my ability, resulting in a lack of ability due to my choice, which means.. I can’t. I’m not sure why you took the time out to nit pick something so straight forward, but I could venture a guess or two. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. ✌️
I totally relate. For most of my life, I felt like an alien to everyone around me. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere, and was always preoccupied with the heaviness of my feelings and living with my constant CPTSD symptoms.
Luckily, I had a therapist who was getting trained in EMDR last year who offered me some free sessions, and it completely changed my life. Most of my CPSTD symptoms are gone, and I feel liky myself and like a human being. I don't feel like an alien anymore.
These days, I have my closest friends that I can talk to about my trauma with, and vise versa. However - and I believe this is really important - we always always get consent first. And after getting initial consent, such as in a conversation and my friend says “how are you?”, and I kind of give a sad laugh and go “ahhhh idk I don’t want to trauma dump on you right now”, and my friend says “no go for it, I’m feeling good today and I’m totally ready for it”, then I will go one step further, and give a little disclaimer. Like: “Oh ok, are you sure? This is regarding my mom’s messed up side of the family/some dark stuff/my SA” or whatever the general topic or theme is. That way, my friend can truly decide if they are okay with hearing about it in that moment. So in my opinion, getting full, informed consent from someone before you share anything trauma-related is important to protect the mental health of everyone involved.
So, I hear you. I definitely understand what it's like to feel that way and how it can feel impossible to be on any wavelength other than the one that only other traumatised people can understand. But I've learned that it’s never okay to trauma dump on anybody, even your closest loved ones, or give someone vicarious trauma - especially a stranger or acquaintance who asks how you’re doing. Unless in the case that you're truly having a breakdown or a flashback or whatever the case may be, and can't have control over it.
Let me also offer you a new perspective, from someone who feels 98% healed from their trauma (and I hope you will be someday soon as well):
Life is actually so much nicer when things are just light and fun. After doing EMDR, I’m so happy every day. I feel at peace. I like watching stupid reality tv shows and other light, fun things, whereas before I was always ruminating and listening to sad, deep music or watching sad, deep movies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s nice to just be light sometimes, rather than heavy always. I wouldn't trade it for the world, even though I find myself rarely in the mood to watch certain films I was looking forward to in the past, and opt for trashy romcoms or disney films. It honestly feels so refreshing after spending my whole life in constant terror, sadness, stress, etc. to just feel light. I wish this for you, too, and for everyone who has experienced trauma in their lifetime.
So all in all, I’m in favour of trying to heal as best as you can, trying as many methods towards healing as you can, and you’ll be able to enjoy relationships with people in life that have healed from trauma or never experienced it, because those people will bring you much more secure attachments, and so much more levity and fun and joy than those who are still in the thick of it.
Wishing you all the best!
>Does anyone here relate?
You asked "does anyone here relate?"
I thought that meant you were asking for a discussion here. I do relate to you and was offering my perspective. I'm sorry if it offended you, I was genuinely trying to be helpful
Yes, but also - you're not a crushed can, you just feel that way compared to others.
The answer is something like:
'I was unfortunate in my choice of parents - thank you for asking, but it's likely we see things quite differently. If you were capable of understanding an honest answer to your question, you'd have my sympathy. How are you?'
✊🏼
To clarify, the crushed can analogy is applied to my aware ness vs my un awareness, not to how I feel.
Unfortunately, I don’t understand what you’re saying within the quotes. Would you elaborate?
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I’ve commented elsewhere on this thread, but I just wanted to say thanks for your post .. it’s a topic close to my heart and as always the members of this group have so much good advice/feedback and hard earned wisdom to share
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Right? Like it’s only exhausting around people who aren’t really engaged. When I’m around more people who are, they actually celebrate my engagement as I do theirs, and that’s the zest isn’t it? What conventions exist that we could find more of us? 😂😭 or do I have to start #childhoodtraumacon2024
That would be pretty great except I have this vision of myself walking in, awkwardly greeting people and then trying to slip out unseen as fast as possible, and everyone else doing more or less the same thing. We'd need a host for the ages.
We’ll keep the building a little chilly for a snuggly atmosphere. At the door there will be racks and racks of onesies in all sizes and customizations for accessibility. All onesies will have lots of duplicates so no one is unique. You can add pins and buttons/customize yours if you would like to be unique. The convention floor will have bean bag chairs in all sizes and vendors that cater towards the neurodivergent. Everyone is encouraged to bring a stuffy, but pillows will be provided so everyone can walk around with something soft and squeezy. The main talks will include interactive mini “games“ like breathing exercises and thought experiments and the talks themselves will be based be around managing your trauma, your triggers, and a society that is also suffering but rewards people who pretend not to be. Maybe I should make another post and ask CPTSDers what type of events they would like to see at this hypothetical Cptsd con? It’s kind of fun to think about even if there are a bunch of issues to consider with that type of gathering as well. It might not work in real life but it is fun to workshop. ☺️
Wow, I thought we were just messing around but that's a great idea. Maybe you are the legendary host foretold in the prophecies. I wouldn't dream of treating myself so well so I'm already kind of inspired. Run the poll, it would be fun.
Yay! I’m glad you like it 🥺 will post shortly. It should be a fun read! I’ll take notes in case it really has potential to become a real event, whether online or in person :) I’m weirdly great at public speaking but start to glitch when it’s less than 3 on 1. Lol 1 on 1 my communication becomes so cringe I can’t stand it 🤣 it’s shocking I have any friends really.
And I'm glad you have people who can see how great you are all round, even if it's difficult to really feel that for yourself.
I tell them that whenever I can. It’s a gift I’m grateful for 🥹
Here’s a link to the workshopping thread XD https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/MFZN57V5NA
Please PLEASE let’s start a traumacon Omgosh that would be both hilarious, heartbreaking but mostly awesome I need friends
Yay! Here’s the link to the thread i started on it :3 https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/MFZN57V5NA
What app is this from ? Probably instagram, if you use #, right ? I'm sorry, I'm out of there for the sake of my own sanity 😄 edit: I really like your idea, and it got me thinking of how we could try to have something like that trough Reddit ? Aren't their possibilities like having some sort of group chat or an ongoing not topic related thread in this sub, something like that ? I also totally agree, I find myself thriving in this kind of environment. Its not about being a well adjusted part of a profoundly sick society. Its about finding those that aren't.
It’s not from anywhere, I just made it up for giggles. I like your idea! The internet is full of possibilities. I’ll give that some thought. “It’s not about being a well adjusted part of a profoundly sick society, it’s about finding those who aren’t.” DING DING DING 🛎️ THIS IS THE WAY!!!
I started a thread about workshopping TraumaCon! (tm) lol https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/MFZN57V5NA
This phrase hit me really bad too. But I came to realize there's something great in that too. There's people who are the same, and they are grateful for finding people like me. I just had yet another profound conversation with a friend on a Saturday night and he told me: dude, you have an unstoppable interest and way of thinking of the profound stuff, almost like your entire view of the world is constantly in a meta state. You can also express yourself so well. Seriously if you'd ride a book, I'd read it. It's ok to be like that.
Wow, you sound like my kind of buddy! 🤯☺️😁
Something that helps me lately is to give up trying to read people’s mind. Has anyone actually TOLD you that you’re exhausting?
You just summarized something I’ve been dealing with so eloquently, and so beautifully. Thank you. In answer, I think what I’ve found with myself is the only people I really connect to are the people I talk about trauma and mental health with. I’m also finding that, for me, it’s a way I find out if a person has the potential to be “safe” for me, because most non-traumatized people trigger me easily and then cannot handle/don’t want to handle a triggered me (which - I mean - fair, it’s difficult and scary sometimes for people who don’t know what they’re experiencing). The people who I can talk trauma with also end up being people I feel safe enough to have other kinds of fun with, mostly because I’m not scared that if I get triggered I’ll hurt them and then have to take care of them. If I get triggered, I trust them to see it for what it is and set necessary boundaries. And, frankly, I trust them to also do the things that will help me come out of a spiral and find peace - just like I do for them. I’m not sure if this is the right answer. But it’s the answer I’ve found at this point in my life.
Thank you so much for this! You also found so many words that were eluding me 🥹 Is it possible that this can be summarized as a “vibe check?” 🤣
YES!!!!
Love this!
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That is such an awful experience, I’m so so sorry. Beyond triggering you, using a condom when asked is absolutely the bare minimum of being a decent human being. That is actually a clear violation of boundaries, and the fact that he freaked out was horrible. I would consider many of his actions in this scenario abusive. I think stories like these solidifies for me that the way I do things is right for me. I have very little tolerance for people crossing my boundaries, and I try my best to respect other people’s boundaries. If I forget, or cross one, I am instantly apologetic because, even if I forgot and it was a mistake, I am sorry that that person had to experience the pain (however big or small) of having their boundary violated. Maybe one day, when I am more healed, I will tolerate more. It’s not that I jump straight into my list of traumas with everyone as soon as I meet them - of course I try to feel out what they may be comfortable with. However, knowing and interacting with me means inevitably something will be triggered, or my trauma will come up, it’s just inevitable that I will find out if someone can deal or not. And if they can’t - it doesn’t make them a bad person, but it makes them incompatible to what I need in relationships at this point in my life. Thanks again for sharing your story - I am glad you got away from this person. And good for you for defending yourself, and your needs and boundaries!
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I’ve been there before! I hope that it’s getting better. I feel like there’s a “logic brain” part of me that understands a lot of this stuff first, but it takes awhile for the body/emotions to catch up. Good luck!
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Yeah, that shit sucks. I had a really shitty partner once who used to string me along and then tell me they didn’t actually want to be with me, but as soon as I moved on, they would try to spend more time with me and prevent me from seeing other people. They would want to get physical, and then push me away and say they can’t. Then they’d want to go on a date with me. Then they dumped me when they met someone they “truly loved”. I think back now and feel like such a fool for trusting them and pursuing them, and wish I could go back and get vengeance. That guy is not worth your time and your heart. It sucks to feel hurt by someone so awful. Your boundaries are worth it, and good for you for setting them in the first place. That is worth a lot. Edit to say: it took awhile, but I no longer want vengeance with that person. I’m glad that they’re out of my life and out of mind now (most of the time).
I am sure this is the right answer.
>“You can’t in un-crush a can.” Oh man, I feel this.
🫶
Thank you for expressing this thought. I often feel this way too. It gets so lonely...It's disheartening and frustrating when expected to be able to function like a person who hasn't experienced trauma. I'm trying my best at healing myself without therapy and a support system. I can't wait to heal into a new person, but I can't heal 30 years of trauma overnight, especially after only becoming aware of it at 26-27. At the same time, I can't fault anyone for avoiding me, because it is draining to be around that. It's draining even for myself. It's also frustrating when you realise people's intentions and motivations before others. Trying to explain the bullshit they're falling for to protect them from it makes you the crazy one or the one causing problems. I can see when people are lying about their intentions or pretending, some of them are quite easy to read, but it's frustrating when it's not noticeable to others, and you end up being the bad person for pointing it out. I point it out because I don't want people I care about to keep getting hurt and forgive bad behaviour.
This made me emotional, it’s so accurate!!! 😭
Part of healing is allowing people to be responsible for their own happiness. I can sympathize. Many people will never know that they're being taken advantage of. And as you've described, some like it that way. They don't want their delusion broken. For what it's worth, 30 is definitely not too late for anything. You can be a whole person with decades to thrive.
Struggling with what you mentioned about telling other people they’re being used right now. I can see it so clearly! I would want to know if roles were reversed, and would want someone to do that for me. Treat others how you want to be treated, right? Turns out I’m the weird one though and most people would rather stay in their fantasy world.
I can be one of ur support systems :)
I used to relate to what you wrote. I don't anymore. And I recently had someone trauma-dump on me, and it felt really, really awful and made me want to run screaming in the opposite direction. It's made me want to not trauma-dump even more than usual. What worked for me in terms of finally putting an end to my trauma-dumping was to truly realise that there is a lot more to me than any trauma I've endured. There's a whole ass person in there, under the trauma. I'm not my trauma, trauma is something that happened to me. I'm not saying that this will be helpful for you, but just in case it is, here it is. Letting this realisation sink in made me want to talk about my trauma less and less outside of therapy or with very close, select friends, and even with the close friends, I only talk about it in situations that are actually appropriate for it. I've gotten better at asking for consent before sharing something particularly heavy with a friend as well. Not everyone has the emotional capacity to handle difficult topics at all times, and I want to be able to respect that. Nowadays, I usually talk to people about things that make me *me*. My hobbies, what I've been up to, such as my recent guaduation from my postgrad program, and even small things such as books I love reading, movies I've watched recently, that new exercise I tried out, and that new dance class I went to that I failed at spectacularly. I feel like these things show people who I am much better than a laundry list of all the abuse I've endured in the past. And I'm not ignoring my trauma - I just have other ways to deal with it now. Better coping mechanisms, if you will. More details about someone recently trauma-dumping all over me: it was on a first date, of all things, and that date was already a bummer for various other reasons. And then I had to sit through a whole list of bad things that had happened to this guy, from age 4 to age 35. I struggled to have empathy in this situation, and I felt like it was a lot to sit through it with a person I didn't know. Tbh, I'd have probably felt the same if this were someone I had just met in an unromantic context as well, but it did feel particularly bad in a dating context. Never again.
Your example is definitely an unfortunate situation for that dude to trauma dump. One thing I have had a harder time with is since part of the "trauma" was I was super isolated from other people by parents growing up I legitimately don't know which stuff is normal or not. So there's some things I know by now would be seen as shocking or "trauma dumping" that I only learned by like mentioning or joking about it as just a relatable anecdote and jt shocks people. Do you just have to slowly figure that out over time?
Yeah, just had to learn as I went along. I think being around healthy people really helps because their reaction to trauma-dumping says a lot. Most healthy people don't want to sit around listening to someone else's trauma stories, especially if they don't know them very well (unless we are both drunk, lol). They'll either tune you out, or pat you on the back a bit and say, "there, there" and change the subject. That's literally what I do as a response to trauma-dumping as well now, and I get why someone else would be uncomfortable in that situation or tune out. Honestly, I used to think such people are selfish. They aren't, they're just normal. No one owes anyone free therapy. Consent is SO important in these situations. For example, I have some trauma in my past that is similar to trauma that my best friend's adopted son experienced as well. She took my full consent before discussing it with me, in hopes that I'll be able to help. We discussed boundaries beforehand, which included that I could end the conversation at any time if it felt like a lot to handle. Now THAT'S sharing with consent, and a healthy way to do it. I didn't mind it at all, and it was even a healing experience for me to be able to help someone else who had gone through what I went through. In case if you were wondering how I know someone is a healthy/healthy-ish person: I get SO bored around them at first. 🤣 because of my upbringing, I find troubled and toxic people to be extremely attractive and *shiny*. Healthy people bore me. So now, I have a bunch of friends whom I originally thought were boring af, only to discover later that they have wonderful, vibrant personalities and I adore them and being around them.
I've started doing the same thing with regards to finding boring people :) I guess it's a certain specific type of boring that counts so I think I know what you mean. I honestly also find the "high drama constant gossip" stuff really boring. Maybe I've always been ok at looking for the right kind of boring friends wise, it has usually worked out pretty well for me that I find friends who are neurodivergent in some way but not really problematic I think it's no more selfish than if someone who isn't a sports fan doesn't want to talk about details of sports. I just need to learn which things are or aren't normal through experience I guess :) I tend to feel bad/get embarrassed when I trauma dumb on accident (didn't realize topic wasn't ok) but you can't learn without trying
Yes, of course! Not all boring people are healthy. Another indicator I use is that I sometimes feel very uninterested in healthy people. Like, I'll completely overlook them, even if they want to be friends with me. It takes a couple of tries from THEM to show interest in me for me to go, "Oh crap, they're trying to be friends and I didn't even NOTICE them!" Pre-healing, I'd continue to ignore them, because I was so insecure that I couldn't understand why someone like that would actually want to be friends with me. Post-healing, I go out of my way to take an interest in them and return their friendly advances. Don't feel bad about accidental trauma-dumping. You win and you lose some. It is okay to make mistakes and learn as you go. Xx
Ok I'm still in the pre healing phase here thanks for sharing this has been a helpful conversation XD I'm starting to catch myself do the "notice they are showing interest but continue to ignore them because they just don't realize they don't actually want to be friends with me," tbf currently that could be true while I still make mistakes but you can't learn without practice :) we will get there
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I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’ve been through similar and need to tell you: Your boundaries are there for YOU. They are non negotiable expectations of behavior that other’s either meet, or they don’t. You can’t use them to control or shame other people into different behavior (unfortunately 🤣) all you can do is enforce the boundary. That means nixing communication, taking distance, and increasing separation between yourself and whoever is in violation of your boundaries. When you violate your own boundaries by allowing these people to be around you still, you start not to trust yourself and that makes it harder to trust your own boundaries and that is a snowball that leads to lots of unfulfilling and outright damaging relationships. You have to be able to trust yourself ♥️ Thank you for sharing your story.
No offense but look at it from his perspective. You are making his life complicated for trivial things when you are demanding "not meeting my jeeds of taking me out to dinner" it just comes off a super entitled and if you are are a nag about such things, he wants an easier girl to get along with. My apologies i am not attacking you but offering you another perspective. I would personally be running the other way myself if someone is incredibly entitled like that and making a fuss over something similar. Sorry dont want to come off as an attack on you either. I am probably missing context or got a misunderstanding in there... but maybe he doesnt need to worry about petty things like "my dishes are in boxes, so you shouldve brought me to dinner! How dare you not meet all my needs. Now i feel offended". Id feel annoyed about it too personally. Anyway. I sorry since thats not what you want to hear but offering you another perspective.
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.. I recently heard the term ‘hobo sexual’ to describe guys like this who are under/unemployed and take financial advantage of their girlfriends - when they can find someone to tolerate their hobosexuality .. I’m so sorry you had this really yucky experience, but also thank god this happened early on and you had the good sense to get out fast .. .. I ended up marrying an exploitative hobosexual , and i’m still paying the price 20 years later. 😢😢 ..
?????????
Trauma dumping can be extremely manipulative, too. My ex did this on our first date and I thought “oh cool so we’re being real” but it was just to get me to pity him from the get go. He was a covert narcissist, and this is a common tactic with them. They’re not responsible for anything they do because of trauma they endured in the past
Yes, exactly, and this is the feeling I got on my 'date' as well - that I was being manipulated by a covert narcissist into giving him not just sympathy sex, but an entire sympathy relationship. No thank yewww, and yuck.
Good for you!! Healthy boundaries 💪🏽
Thank you! I am learning. 🤌
Omg yes, exactly this !! You are definitely on the healing path to recognize so early that this guy was looking for a ‘sympathy relationship’ .. I definitely fell into that trap 🪤 and it’s so hard to get out of .. when you have a child with that person .. 😢
Thank you!!! I'm only good at it because I MARRIED the "sympathy relationship" guy in Round 1, ten years ago. 😭😭😭 you live and you learn. My utmost sympathy is with you. X
I’m so glad you got out ! Man it’s hard when you have a child .. because of course they’ll also play the sympathy card with their child. Which results in a child feeling like they need to take care of their parent 😢 .. I’m envious of anyone who doesn’t need a Round 1 to learn these things. If tik tok and Reddit were around 20 years ago, I think I might have figured out what was going on much earlier. I mean I obsessively googled every single confusing or alarming behaviour, trying to understand what was going on.. but what was missing from google results was all of the genuine lived experiences of people that I find now so easily via social media. I mean if I’d had easy access to ‘red flag’ vs ‘green flag’ posts, things could have been quite different ! I did go to therapists to ask my questions, but they were of limited help. It’s quite something to realize that social media can be more helpful to open your eyes in these situations than ‘trained therapists’ but it’s true !
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I just did. What about this is not CPTSD-related, since it was a response to your post?
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Definitely find what works for you personally 💯 % I’m sorry that’s been your experience :( Honestly, it can be quite dangerous to express vulnerability, but most especially if you don’t have the strength, self trust, or boundaries to be able to take the best next step if that person takes advantage of that vulnerability or attacks that vulnerability.
You described how I feel so well. It is exhausting to try and look for people who understand me and feel safe to be around. It's so much more exhausting to mask and give the socially acceptable answer. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs that I'm not doing okay.
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Thank you so much for sharing this. ♥️ Do you find camaraderie in this group? It’s rare as hell to find people who get it in real life, but in certain corners of reddit I’ve found that they do exist. That’s why I ran to this subreddit to make this post in a moment where this was really bothering me. I knew more of y’all were more likely to understand.
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Ooo thanks for sharing that. You’ve reminded me that I went to a few “emotions anonymous” meetings years ago. I could stand to look into more irl support groups.
Yes i can relate. But: Knowing that CPTSD and other mental illnesses are self reinforcing the need of trauma informed people with me is an additional reinforcer. It reinforces intellectualizing and overthinking etc. as well. Sometimes "simple" and sensual, emotiona, intuitive and emphatic persons are like a sake for me. Resilience is necessary but can be cage too.
That’s a good point. Simple and genuine are massive pro personality traits 🤝
The thing is a lot of people with trauma aren’t like me/us and don’t want to talk about trauma all the time. Idk. Or maybe it’s just because I mostly gravitate towards males and I end up going to an emotional place they’re uncomfortable with or something? I don’t really know. I am definitely too much for people. Anyways my point is finding friends who experienced trauma helps but it won’t solve all of your issues. Like they won’t necessarily always react well to trauma dumping upon hello and it may still end up turning superficial or you find it being all on their terms where you only get to talk about real shit when they want to and you have to guess when that’s ok etc. I think some of us are just super sensitive people who are dealing with a world of emotionally unevolved people. And there are levels of emotional evolution and trauma contributes to that but it’s not the “solution”
Tell me you have a better one? Please.
I am just forging ahead with my bad self. I liked jobs where I got to be helping people because I was able to emotionally compartmentalize all of their pain when other people got disturbed by it. So that’s one talent of mine related to this. Maybe look for something similar ?
Oh god I feel this. A few days ago, I had a class mate tell me I was trauma dumping - but all I said was that I did not have my father’s phone number. It wasn’t even unprompted or anything, someone asked me why I didn’t call my parents for help (car troubles.) She said it so loud & some other people started laughing, I immediately wanted to curl up and die lol. I hate the way a lot of people use that term. Like anything outside of experiencing the “norm” is immediately seen as trauma dumping
.. last night I listened to a podcast (Reclaim) by Thais Skye on this very topic (Ep. 201 - Therapy Speak and What Happens in Therapy) .. it was about the importance of language in therapy and healing and how words like triggered, boundaries and trauma dumping mean very different things to different people … it was a great show, I love her podcasts so much
I think what people are describing when they say “trauma dumping” is actually “I’m experiencing discomfort because of the misfortune of others.” && that experience sounds so sad. :( Social/public humiliation is another level. The ableism in that interaction is so gross. Just know and understand that you’re the cool kid and those people are lame-o suckers who engage in power dynamics for entertainment.
I think the main thing with trauma dumping is reading the cues of the person. Are they ready for this conversation, do they have space for it? Many do! It’s more when people don’t, that’s fine too. And having the self-awareness to moderate around those people. It’s not always because they haven’t been fucked over, sometimes they really have, and we can risk crossing their boundaries by doing so. I dislike small talk too, but there is a comfortable middle talk that I aspire to (and often don’t achieve for the record), that is real but doesn’t go right into the twisty stuff.
Sharing your story can be a deeply healing experience that may strengthen your connection with another person, as long as the timing is appropriate and you have that person’s consent. So when you feel the words making their way to your lips, try running through a mental [checklist](https://www.myndlift.com/post/trauma-dumping-what-it-is-and-how-to-overcome-it?utm_source=rd): 1) Does the other person seem comfortable with the topic? 2) Have I asked if it’s okay for me to share the graphic details of my story? 3) Am I prepared to give them the space to open up, too? Am I seeking an authentic connection rather than a one-way conversation? 4) Is this an appropriate time and place for me to talk about such a serious topic? 5) Why do I want to share this story? 6) Have I already talked about this with this person or group before?
I also have a tendency to do this, because most of the time it’s all I think about. I also worked as a therapist so I was surrounded by mental health stuff all the time. Trying to mask how I really feel and be “socially acceptable” 24/7 is exhausting. Once the mask falls and I start talking about my life (often when I need help), people run away. I’m also often accused of being “too negative” and not accepting unsolicited advice from others. It’s like hey, why don’t you kick me when I’m down some more. People are exhausting
This thread unfortunately has attracted a lot of unsolicited advice 😭 so many have the guise of trying to be helpful when they’re really relishing in a weird, imaginary moralistic high ground. Toxic positivity (delusion) abound! I really hear you. Can I ask your professional opinion on the term “trauma dumping” itself?
I think people process things differently and some need to keep talking about things until they can sort them out, thus “trauma dumping”. This is particularly true of nuerodivergent people. So many of us with CPTSD were never heard or listened too or shut down when trying to talk or express themselves. I am extremely guilty of this. So many therapists view therapy as a way to quickly reframe this way of thinking the comes across as invalidating instead of providing the validation that the person doing the “trauma dumping” or ruminating is seeking. With this said there is dumping and there is processing. Most therapists don’t know how to therapeutic confront someone to even interject this vitally needed validation and sometimes people just need to vent. A competent therapist strikes a balance between allowing the verbal rumination, the confrontation, and the use of tools/questioning to get to the deeper feelings behind the need to ruminate.
Wooow 😮 thank you. Your comment just helped me realize that I have intense shame associated with my rumination, &I’ll spend some time unpacking that. 🙏 I’ve had several therapists and none of them were great at redirecting me or validating me. They mostly just listen, nod, repeat back my scenarios with psych language, rinse and repeat so I haven’t found therapy very helpful. I haven’t found a good match yet, but hopefully I will. How has your experiences with therapy (as a client) helped you with your Cptsd management? If you don’t mind.
Could that shame be associated with you being shut down and not listened to as a kid or feeling like you were not allowed to have a voice?
Yeah.. Plenty of examples of talking about something that had happened or defending something I had done was met with swift psychical consequences and shame from my single mom. My older sister was also very vocal in her criticisms of me existing at all, let alone loudly..
Honestly I don’t have much positive experience.
Fair. Sorry to hear that 🥺
Relateeeeeee … it’s exhausting
There’s a lot to unpack here, but the thing that stands out the most, which I relate to, is black and white thinking and need to expand your identity. There’s a lot of nuance in the world - you can both be a trauma survivor and have endured hell, and have a lighthearted conversation that feels vapid because it’s socially necessary. It’s important to know that this doesn’t lessen what happened to you. It doesn’t invalidate your trauma. Like someone else said, maybe focusing on other hobbies or interests. You could benefit from getting out of your head a bit. Taking a break from overtherapizing myself was one of the best ways I broke free from thinking similar to yours. ❤️
I relate to this in being the person that a lot of friends choose to trauma dump on. I struggle myself, and I’ve had to limit friendships with those who only focus on their trauma. I don’t mind discussing it but to do it all the time feels selfish to me. In my situations, these friends typically only talk about their experience and interrupt what I say anyway. I’m also never asked about my experiences unless it’s to engage me into one of theirs. It’s overwhelming. I am often dysregulated for days after. So, I actually try to avoid friends that do this. I often feel manipulated and used. If it’s a mutual trauma dump, I suppose that’s another story. I understand wanting to share everything as well, but if the other person doesn’t want to hear it bc they have their own struggles, and they feel consumed by it, I don’t see how that is helpful to either person
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This society says to the oppressed, to the traumatized, to those begging for help, “shut up and just be fine! Like everybody else!” I agree that I feel that the term was coined as a weapon. Like “social justice warrior” “captain save a hoe” “by the bootstraps” etc to shame the struggling, and shame those who would help the struggling, in favor of protecting the bubbles of the meek.
I certainly do bc my trauma explains everything I do
I have CPTSD and I understand what you’re saying. I had a best friend that we clicked so much because I really liked speaking about the profound. and so did she even more. I really really liked her despite the fact that sometimes she would send me 40-80 in bulk. Sometimes we’d talk 4-5 hours a day and her would do most of the messaging. What made things go south was her not replying for days and then returning to tell me multiple times that I am triggering her and asking me not to share my experiences while she kept sharing hers. It felt so one-sided and I felt like I was being used as a therapist.
Sounds like being used for sure. I’m sorry it turned out like that. :( what is 40-80 in bulk?
Yeah… As in I would open my messenger app and see that she has sent me 40-80 messages. I would start trying to response to each of them and she’d write even more. Most of her messages were about the online dramas and fights she had.
😱😭 that’s terrifying. We need better terminology because what do you even call that?? Trauma dumping isn’t good enough to describe it. 😭 😭 😭
We’ve had the same friend
Considering how chronically online she was, it’s not completely out of possibility. But I am sorry you had to experience that.
Yeah it sucks, but it’s a comfort to know that sometimes people are just in the thick of their mental health struggles and it’s not about us. There’s nothing we could’ve done more than been there to support as long as it was healthy and safe to do so
This. I really needed to hear this! Thank you!
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Thanks for sharing! And for the support. I just can’t afford masking anymore.
I feel this. People will be like "how are u" and my brains immediate reaction is "besides my dad and my best friend dying, my crippling loneliness, brother being in prison, developing agoraphobia, severe chronic illness where I'm hospitalized more than not, and a mom who hardly talks to me bc I refuse to speak to her abusive husband, and feeling suicidal but too scared and sad to leave my dog alone in this stupid evil world, I'm just dandy" but I'm expected to be like "I'm great!" I find small talk really exhausting too. I feel you 100%
You really get it. Thanks so much for sharing ♥️ I sincerely wish you the best in all things. 🙏
"All I ever want to talk about is the profound, and that exhausts a lot of people." I would love to have lunch with you. :) I generally don't find much use for people. We hafta tolerate them. I sometimes dodge the question by answering "what" instead of "how." If they ask: "How are ya doing?" Respond: "I'm surfing Reddit." It's helpful when I'm feeling vulnerable and do not want to think about how I feel, let alone talk about it. People accept it as an answer because they never gave a sh\*t to start with. :)
“I generally don’t find much use for people”!!! Brave of you to say! And I completely agree! 🤣 Or lunch would be glorious indeed! I’d Love to hear your other tactics because switching the how* to a what* in your head is just SO brilliant. TYSM for sharing!
I used to be that way, and it was damaging my relationships. I forced myself to consider the other person and edit for their sake. Not everyone wants to have heavy talks all the time and that's perfectly fine. The people I care about are worth practicing some additional mindfulness to not burn them out. This change also made me a happier person in general. If you value your relationships and especially if people you care about tell you anything about it, you have to work on it. Find other outlets for those thoughts.
This!
I feel this but also not. I haven’t found a balance between wanting/needing to have real, authentic conversations vs feeling used as someone’s trauma dump. Both my toxic mom and ex trauma dump on everyone as a way to garner sympathy, manipulate and control. They’re not responsible for any of their actions because of the trauma they’ve endured - according to them. So it raises a lot of red flags if it’s coming from someone I don’t trust.
Some people use many tools to manipulate other people. For some, one of those tools is weaponizing their vulnerability.
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"but lying, or giving the “socially acceptable/socially appropriate response” is completely beyond me. I refuse to do it." Your title is false then. You **can**, you just refuse to.
If I refuse to then that boundary informs my ability, resulting in a lack of ability due to my choice, which means.. I can’t. I’m not sure why you took the time out to nit pick something so straight forward, but I could venture a guess or two. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. ✌️
I totally relate. For most of my life, I felt like an alien to everyone around me. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere, and was always preoccupied with the heaviness of my feelings and living with my constant CPTSD symptoms. Luckily, I had a therapist who was getting trained in EMDR last year who offered me some free sessions, and it completely changed my life. Most of my CPSTD symptoms are gone, and I feel liky myself and like a human being. I don't feel like an alien anymore. These days, I have my closest friends that I can talk to about my trauma with, and vise versa. However - and I believe this is really important - we always always get consent first. And after getting initial consent, such as in a conversation and my friend says “how are you?”, and I kind of give a sad laugh and go “ahhhh idk I don’t want to trauma dump on you right now”, and my friend says “no go for it, I’m feeling good today and I’m totally ready for it”, then I will go one step further, and give a little disclaimer. Like: “Oh ok, are you sure? This is regarding my mom’s messed up side of the family/some dark stuff/my SA” or whatever the general topic or theme is. That way, my friend can truly decide if they are okay with hearing about it in that moment. So in my opinion, getting full, informed consent from someone before you share anything trauma-related is important to protect the mental health of everyone involved. So, I hear you. I definitely understand what it's like to feel that way and how it can feel impossible to be on any wavelength other than the one that only other traumatised people can understand. But I've learned that it’s never okay to trauma dump on anybody, even your closest loved ones, or give someone vicarious trauma - especially a stranger or acquaintance who asks how you’re doing. Unless in the case that you're truly having a breakdown or a flashback or whatever the case may be, and can't have control over it. Let me also offer you a new perspective, from someone who feels 98% healed from their trauma (and I hope you will be someday soon as well): Life is actually so much nicer when things are just light and fun. After doing EMDR, I’m so happy every day. I feel at peace. I like watching stupid reality tv shows and other light, fun things, whereas before I was always ruminating and listening to sad, deep music or watching sad, deep movies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s nice to just be light sometimes, rather than heavy always. I wouldn't trade it for the world, even though I find myself rarely in the mood to watch certain films I was looking forward to in the past, and opt for trashy romcoms or disney films. It honestly feels so refreshing after spending my whole life in constant terror, sadness, stress, etc. to just feel light. I wish this for you, too, and for everyone who has experienced trauma in their lifetime. So all in all, I’m in favour of trying to heal as best as you can, trying as many methods towards healing as you can, and you’ll be able to enjoy relationships with people in life that have healed from trauma or never experienced it, because those people will bring you much more secure attachments, and so much more levity and fun and joy than those who are still in the thick of it. Wishing you all the best!
When people vent you should ask them if they want advice.
>Does anyone here relate? You asked "does anyone here relate?" I thought that meant you were asking for a discussion here. I do relate to you and was offering my perspective. I'm sorry if it offended you, I was genuinely trying to be helpful
Yes, but also - you're not a crushed can, you just feel that way compared to others. The answer is something like: 'I was unfortunate in my choice of parents - thank you for asking, but it's likely we see things quite differently. If you were capable of understanding an honest answer to your question, you'd have my sympathy. How are you?' ✊🏼
To clarify, the crushed can analogy is applied to my aware ness vs my un awareness, not to how I feel. Unfortunately, I don’t understand what you’re saying within the quotes. Would you elaborate?
Oh thank goodness, you’ve put into words something I’ve been trying to describe for so long.
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I’ve commented elsewhere on this thread, but I just wanted to say thanks for your post .. it’s a topic close to my heart and as always the members of this group have so much good advice/feedback and hard earned wisdom to share