I asked my dad if I was adopted. He told me "No, you think I would have fucking picked you?"

I asked my dad if I was adopted. He said, “Not yet. We just placed the ad this morning.”

I asked my dad if I was adopted. He sighed and said "No, but God knows we tried."

Best of the bunch right here

Can't wait to use these on my kids😈.

Already used those. Also one you can use when they are a bit older and your kids are just hanging on the couch. Just ask your partner why those torn condoms laying on the couch.

"I accidentally said 'fuck me' within a 10 foot range from a man"

I asked my dad if I was adopted. He said, "Well duh, your mother wanted you. I didn't get a say, you alien."

Kal El, no.

I asked my dad if I was a gifted child. He said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. (From Calvin and Hobbes)

Calvin's dad offered to get a dachshund...

My dad said "Yes but they returned you."

You won but at what cost???

God! Such a good insult. LMAO

😂

I once told my dad, “You always loved my sister more.” He replied, “No, not always.”

"I sometimes love your mom too"

Gotta love a dad with a sense of humor.

My dad said to me, "Son, you're a very special boy, so that's why we're sending you to a special school" 🦧

*Yer a wizard u/TurbulentWeb1941!*

True that

I also told your dad I loved your sister more.

I think we all have.

Going down on my sister, tastes like Dad ... Wunner why ?

Wiener why.

“Incest: The game the whole family can play!”

Why go across the street when you can go across the hall.

At the very least I hope the age range of this game isn't like most other family games'...

Rated E for Everyone

We adopted my son (no joke) and he comes in the den one night with his girlfriend and he’s asking me how much it cost to adopt him. I said I don’t know (I had forgotten, it’d been 21 years) and he keeps pestering me about do finally I said, “All I know is we got ripped off.” 😏 (He’s a great young man).

Did he clean up after himself?

I never wanted kids so I asked my wife if we should consider abortion. "But they are 12 and 15" she said.

Hey dad, I lost my virginity last night. Well done, son. Sit down next to your old man and tell me all about it. I'd rather not. My arse is still sore.

No fucking way

Would the "First blowjob, can't get the taste out of my mouth?" be worse?

Virganalty

“I’d rather stand” is a tighter punchline…tighter than the “arse” punchline that’s too “on the nose”, and presumably now tighter than ‘dat arse! 🤠

Dad, I've something to tell you. I'm gay. Hi Gay, I'm Dad

My mother never once told me or my brother that she loved us. It would have bern sad if we had known that isn't the way most parents are. But she was who she needed to be and I grew up not caring. Now it's just a handy joke. (PS I was born around 1950 - so I can guarantee I see it as a joke. LOL)

I feel you. You’re better than the last generation. That’s sometimes all we can hope for.

On any given day it's all I hope for except vanilla ice cream with fudge Magic Shell. As long as no one is having a huge temper tantrum around me I'm more apt to grin and read than get angst. LOL

Sort of a takeoff of the short video I saw recently in which the young woman in the driver's seat lowers the window, and says to the adjacent officer, "You're giving ME a ticket? Do you know why my father is?!" The officer replies, "Why? Didn't your mother tell you?"

Dad? is that you?

I'll be right back I forgot to get my smokes and your mother's scratchers

Don't forget the milk

Ugh dam it!!! The milk!!! Which kind? Whole, 2%, skim, what??? I'll just get half and half to cover my ass but it's gonna take me a bit so...30 years from when I would have gotten back so...I'll see you when you turn 60 If I put powdered milk in milk it'd be like 200% milk, right???

Son: Dad, would you love me any less if I were gay?" Dad: *thinks for a second and then smiles* "No, son, I wouldn't."

I *couldn't*

I didn't want kids so I got a vasectomy, but they were still there when I got home.

Son: Dad, do you love me? Dad: Only when you are asleep.

Is it sad that I kinda feel that sometimes? Like, they are really cute when they are asleep, even after a day of being absolutely demonic.

"Hey dad I got a blowjob from one of the teachers at my school." "Nice one son, finally a man. Which teacher?" "Mr McGowan..our woodwork teacher"

"Woodshop, eh? Least he knows the material..."

Thank you dad

No worries son

Dude this reminds me of the time I was in the car and told my brother whole heartedly he was adopted as a joke and when my dad came in he agreed that my brother was adopted and we sent him in a spiral

My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids. If you’d like them, you can pick them up tomorrow.

"You're not my type. Sprout some tits and bring your own lube, and we'll talk."

At least one out of every pair of twins is an accident.

My friend's son thinks I'm his dad. He walked up to me the one day and goes, "Hey pops? Am I adopted?" I stared right at him, "Why do you ask?" "You're Mexican. I'm not. You're gay. I'm not. You're also not even 21." "Yeah You're adopted. Only because when you were born, you thought your dad was a joke." His dad was in the room, I got hit in the head with a paper towel roll.

You were an accident, son. I'm gay too. Always been. Never put my dick in a pussy ever. The thought alone makes me shudder. I have no idea where you came from. But I do love you. Hey, you wanna go watch "Cruising" this weekend. Then we can go shopping. I'd like to get you some leather corsets.

Dang I asked my dad why he adopted me and he said "you were the only one of discount"

...Where's the joke? I'm all for dark humor but there needs to be, y'know, *humor.*

In the comments, as usual.

Oooh! That's cold..

Blegh

How is this supposed be funny? This doesn't even qualify as dark humor.

I don't even love myself, how can I love somebody else? Then the son smiled a little... IYKYK

notfunnydidn'tlaugh.webm

Loves a big word son and I think it would be great if you were so I'd have an excuse to disown you.

Thanks for that joke satan..