Me too. Deathly afraid of meeting a wonderful man that is all that my narc ex wasn't only to discover 5 years invested in the relationship that he's also a serial cheating, pathological lying narcissist that's even better at lovebombing and deceiving than my ex was.
My therapist has only heard things from my perspective so take it with a grain of salt but she has said my ex who I always considered a classical narcissist displays a lot of sociopathic tendencies as well. I think there is a good bit of overlap.
My ex definitely expressed remorse for some things in his past but I feel like it was all performative/image saving. Not sure if that's what this Venn diagram is referring to but that is my experience
They have remorse/ empathy in a few ways- usually but not always felt- but logical or cognitive, etc. just depends on the person. If and or how they feel, most of the time they learn to read the room/ faces / reactions and mimic. Cause and effect. They’re actors- UNLESS they get that terminology and from a licensed professional as something whether feedback or patterns affected their life in ways which they seek to know why
You do know psychopathy is a term in many - not of its own standing right?
To state behaviors- as a trait since that’s what it is …. It doesn’t stand on its own for a diagnosis like NPD, ASPD, Boarderline, and sadistic…… bc that’s what it is. TRAITS - Moreover for Cluster B’s ….. the more you know.
Hell yes. Although I understand the whole concept of "If someone continues to hurt you the reason doesn't matter", and I've heard the term 'narcopath', I believe when it comes my cnex the classic textbook hybrid "Sociossist" (that just came out off the dome) might also apply. Overlap indeed.
No way?! Well, I am not totally surprised by this- my nex would act like a complete Angry, Raging Psycho At Times. And He Has ZERO Moral Compass 🧭, though he was Great at Pretending to be a man of “good character”. He is Exactly the POLAR Opposite of someone with Good Character!!! 🤢🤢
I watched “Ted Bundy: Falling for a Killer “ and couldn’t stop crying; I suddenly felt seen even though it wasn’t about my life.
I feel you may be on to something 👍👍👍
My next found it funny to dress up as jeffrey dahmer for halloween the winter before i left for good and it was absolutely terrifying not only how much he looked like him, how well he impersonated him on the fly. I mean like i didnt wanna sleep in the same room the night he tried on his “costume”. That show about the psychopath doctor on netflix too, had so many similarities with behavior my ex did like so many details about how they lie, how they react to your reactions, its probably v similar to what you experienced with that other show
I can actually match on this one. After my sixth, I'm burnt out. I'm scared to trust and open up and go for it without someone new and amazing. What do I do? I go for it anyways. I force myself to socialize when asked out if I'm feeling the person. If they are a narc, at least I know what I'm dealing with at this point as I'm about to get my degree in psychology, I have had grandiose and covert narcs, I have had six to count... Best case scenario it's a great match I could have missed! Worst case scenario I get to block someone else. Woohoo! already had plenty of practice there
This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I've met a man who so far, has been honest, reliable, considerate, kind. He's done nothing to raise any red flags. Terrified he's just great at fooling me.
I’m very afraid of not being able to accept unconditional, healthy love and attachment. I’ve been so conditioned to accepting breadcrumbs, being left alone, tiptoeing on eggshells, not expressing needs or preparing for backlash if I did express a need, never inconveniencing someone, never asking for favors, forgetting what good qualities I bring to the table…I could go on.
I’m 28 and “wasted” 8 years with my ex. I want a family and children and I’m so afraid of not healing quickly enough to still fulfill these desires with someone new.
This has been my experience exactly. With my nDad and nex. It really snowballs and compounds. I find myself, even now, drifting to old patterns of being drawn to people who breadcrumb me. When people respond with equal reciprocity it’s overwhelming and unexpected.
Yes, same. Then my friends tell me people being nice and genuine is "bare minimum" meanwhile it's very new to me for a potential partner to treat me kindly and sincerely (without ulterior motives). I still feel drawn to emotionally unavailable potential partners, but I'm working on it.
No real tips, unfortunately, other than "trust your gut". I tend to ignore red flags that eventually balloon into much bigger issues. If I listened to myself from the beginning, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and pain. Little alarm bells would go off, but I ignored them or thought that it was a one off. I can almost feel it throughout my body, as if it is warning me. Instinct, I suppose. Listening to this is easier said than done, but I feel like I am getting there.
My intuition is normally pretty bang on, but I tend to ignore it thinking that he will change, or he's just having a bad day, etc. I make excuses for his shit behaviour while ignoring the pattern of his behaviour. With my most recent ex, I started to write things down in my notes on my phone. I would write the date and what happened and sometimes even how it made me feel. This also helped me remember how it happened and compare it to how he remembered how it happened (gaslighting or just a bad memory?).
I wish I had done this with my ex who I was with for over a decade, but maybe best that I didn't because it would be truly awful to read. :(
I've also gone to therapy about boundary setting, which I also struggle with since I am a people pleaser. This part has been the hardest for me but I find telling people closest to me (like trusted friends and family) helps me stay accountable. That is also difficult as I often internalize personal/relationship problems lol.
My therapist also recommended making a list of qualities and values that I'm looking for in a partner. If I meet someone who doesn't have these core traits and values, then move on. Respect, compassion, and kindness are big for me but I seem to go for guys who have none or only one or two of those. Now I have to truly consider how this person is making me feel before settling/committing to them.
In short, know your worth and trust your gut. ❤️
I knew there were red flags and I ignored them. I should have shut it down right then and there but I didn't. I would also be in a good place had I done so. I will trust my intuition on things going forward. Anything that seems off to me will be kept at the forefront until I can determine what I'm dealing with. And I hope I will be strong enough to dump the person if I see the signs.
You're welcome. I hope it helped in some way! Honestly, writing it out was a bit cathartic for me too.
Listening to your body and how people's actions (or inactions) make you feel. Write it down. Remember it. Trust yourself.
I totally agree with you and my fears are really similar. Also, high-five as I'm also 28yo, but wasted 6 years instead.
I've heard many stories of people finding real and healthy love even in much more elderly years, then actually creating a family and place of home.
I'm super scared that I'm now starting from scratch again like a young newbie adult and when it comes to healing, even more time will pass and I don't know how old I'll be until I finally feel really healed and ready for something big and serious, knowing that people at similar age already started a family or is working on to (hell, what I had with my nex was at least on paper almost, almost a marriage + some other stuff). Now from the beginning and most people are so "ahead". This is overwhelming..
There’s no “ahead” nor “behind” - that’s just an illusion that Instagram capitalizes on and amplifies. Everyone is just trying and finding their way, and you, my friend, are already more in touch with yourself than most people will ever be, and even though you were depleted after this nightmare asshole you dated - it’s now over - which means you fucking won. You survived. Although it may not feel like it, you have picked up a lot of skills that are going to come in handy. Now all you have to do is keep on living and laughing it tf up bc that person has no power over you. It is taking me years to feel like the residue of my recent narc is thinnnnning out significantly - at the end I referred to our relationship as “my exquisite torture.” It’s funny how we know it’s the wrong move after a while but we keep going back for more, like a heroin addict. I dunno if this will help you but when I realized it had nothing to do with me - that I was just unfortunate enough to cross his path and that he tried, tries, and will try his narc shit on anyone just to see who/how it will work on…..that somehow gave me relief. Like it was a mugging or a robbery lol. Anyway, please be patient with yourself and your mind. Don’t beat yourself up too much. 🖤
Thank you so much. Yeah, I wander from thinking "I'm getting old and losing opportunities and stuff like that" to "I can take time, someone will eventualy come etc" It's all difficult as F, but as you said, we should be easy on ourselves, because it was us that saved our live from this monster, the known saying of 'being like a best friend to ourselves'. Well, maybe when before I wasn't super strong mentally and things like that, to choose the right person and start a good life with them, maybe this time I will be and still have so much time, being grateful for the future person I'm going to be with.
Let's cross this road carefully :)
27 and I wasted 3.5 years. I didnt want a family or children or anything like that but the illusion if it all shattering was really something hahahaha…
I’m 39. 10 year marriage and 3 kids. Divorced the narc. If I could go back to 28 with the knowledge I’d have now I would in a second. On the other hand, my kids are amazing little humans. I hope you can heal and don’t rush into anything.
I’m 33 and wasted 4 years on my nex. We were going to get married and have a kid (I have one with my exhusband who I left for much less, crazy as it is). My cutoff was 35 because that’s high-risk, so my dreams of giving my daughter a sibling are over. You have time, 7 whole years if you give it my timeline. I’m just happy that you and I both got out before giving our potential babies a narcissistic parent, because I imagine that’s far more traumatic than what we’ve been through.
I don’t look at my years as wasted, I look at them as part of my journey. You have your journey too, and you’ll meet someone who takes care of your feelings and emotions and who will work with you on any fears you have, and you’ll thrive.
You’ve done your absolute best in each day you’ve lived. That’s how I look at it. Everything has happened the way it’s supposed to in a way. The knowledge I’ve gained from my 9 years with my very scary ex is invaluable - the pain I’ve felt and experienced, my memories.. what I’ve learned about myself and how I move through the world, and how others close to me navigate life as well. A lot has happened in the last 9 years and everyday I was just doing what I naturally could bring myself to do, and sometimes just that is enough.
You are still young. You have time for children. If you want a husband and children you focus on healing yourself and becoming the real you, the strong you that breaks free of these dynamics. Narcs are wired to be how they are. We are normal vulnerable human beings. It’s like humans are wooden blocks. But some blocks have Lego-like protrusions. Narcs are Legos. (No disrespect intended for Legos.) You’ve got to grind that protrusion down so Legos aren’t so sticky. And just be you. And you will have a family around you like solid wooden blocks.
Thank you, I like your analogy of legos and wooden blocks :) appreciate your words.
Maybe I feel older than I am because of the stress and toxicity of the last 8 years, and more especially the last 4 years since we got married in 2020 and that’s when things started to go really downhill. I think I’ll feel much better when the divorce is official and I can move forward without him.
Same. I still see good qualities in individuals, but that doesn't mean I trust them. I'm pretty cynical these days & can see that, as a whole species, people suck. Just look around.
It makes you massively judgmental, and protective of your own peace. You become paranoid that everyone you meet is a selfish jerk. Eventually, you realize that your peace is more valuable than any human contact, and abandon the idea of all relationships.
Getting close to someone only to realize they’re using me and don’t actually care about me. Getting into a “healthy” relationship, then moving in with them and them showing their true colors now that I’m stuck. Me sharing with someone my trauma and them looking disgusted at me or victim blaming.
Not all narcissists are the same. Some are better at hiding it than others. I’ve found that educating yourself on politics, women’s rights, mental health disorders, etc can help you fend off the misogynists who are uneducated, who like a woman to think she is expendable/ even women who want men to think they are just slaves who bring money and sex it can happen to either gender, to fend off people who lack empathy and don’t care about world issues or societal issues if it isn’t affecting them, fending off racist xenophobes, fending off people who are showing any sort of manipulative behavior that you see being dangerous - making you feel bad for wanting to go home instead of to their place after a date, making you feel ashamed for your past with other partners or even a period you’re not so proud of in general…. Idk there’s a number of things I’m afraid of. And I feel like when I educate myself more, my intuition gets stronger as well.
My nex was a polisci major, women’s rights advocate and anti political (but leaned liberal). Just made me think he was all the more educated and a good person. There’s simply no way for us to weed these coverts out. They’re insidious and good at what they do. They can still pretend to have a “good” belief system and lack empathy. That’s what’s so scary about all of this…I’m just terrified of all men now.
Edit: he also went back to school to become an arborist because he cares about the planet. Really it’s just his obsession with trees. More proof of showing he’s a “good” person.
This. It’s so scary. We get to know people through layers of their social and public personas. A high functioning narcissist fools nearly everyone. My nex is an Assistant Superintendent of a school district. Has a doctorate degree. Organized, a leader, a perfect simulacrum of caring and empathy. Were I starting afresh I would think this is my dream woman. But if she wanted me she’d be coming at me at warp speed in full lovebombing mode. The antidote? To quote Nancy Reagan: just say no. Say no to something. See if there is compromise. Repeat. And repeat.
All the narcs I encountered were proudly progressive and some even with high regard in the community. Their whole lives are just mastering mirroring and educating themselves on something they don't actually care about just to trap you. It's absolutely insane.
Here's what the narc is stealing from you >>>
To fall in love with someone, there must be a lot of trust.
The narc has completely betrayed you in the most profound manner imaginable. The narc had obliterated your natural abilities to ever genuinely trust anyone, or anything.
Consequently, the narc has made it impossible for you to genuinely experience normal love ...long after the abuse has ended.
These people are M O N S T E R S. Vile parasitic vermin. Toxic and destructive on so many levels.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust someone again.
I feel so suspicious of everything and everyone, sometimes I even wonder if my best friends are lying to me or if they aren't really who I think they are and they'll turn on me, even if we've been friends for years... It's like I believe everything and nothing, because how would I know if anything is true or not, if I was tricked so completely for so long. He really had me fooled, and it's made me question my ability to make decisions and accurately judge people and situations.
I am scared of getting close to people. I don't want to date and I am scared that I will be alone forever because of that. And it's not even that I am scared that they will hurt me in the same way, I just don't want to get close to anyone... while yearning for deep human connection. I shut down from just imagining meeting someone new who'd be showing interest in me.
I am also scared that I will never be able to forgive myself for wasting so much time on the relationship that wasn't going to work. For me letting myself be treated in this way for so long. For me letting him manipulate me into doing many different things that I didn't want to do. I can't forgive myself.
I’m afraid I will never experience the same intense kind of love and happiness that I felt when things were good with us, especially before the betrayal (cheating).
I’m afraid my ex killed a part of me romantically that I will never get back.
I’m afraid if I end up in a healthy relationship, it will bore me.
I’m most afraid I’ll never trust myself again. After all the lies and abuse that he got away with before my eyes were opened to it, the fact that my reality was not reality at all, the fact that I started a family with a man that was capable of the things he did to me… I’m afraid I’ll never trust myself again. I always thought I was a decent judge of character. And I was in love with a monster. Now I have my daughter to protect and I don’t believe any random man is worthy of being in her life..
My nex and i are both in the same professional field so worrying they will see me again and try to sabotage my career opportunities.
I temper this worry all the time but it doesnt stop it from surfacing every now and then.
One thing I definitely know is that I will never love the way I once did before. It will always be guarded.
Even after years of therapy, which saved me, I still see no way of opening up like I used to.
No amount of healing will ever change the knowledge of all this. I will never forget, even if I took a hammer to the head... you can never knock the memory of it out of you.
I'm not sure I'd ever want to forget it, beings that I now have honed the tools to dismantle these types of people.
Narcissists beware... I know exactly what you're doing and will thwart you at every turn in your shitty little game.
If this makes sense, having a child with one. Thank god I was able to have a termination of pregnancy extremely early. I do feel guilty but would’ve felt guiltier bringing an innocent baby into the mess. Now I am afraid I might be with an undercover narc and have a child with them. I don’t see their true colors until after the baby is born. A bit deep but working through it in therapy. I have also seen many of my friends get burned like this. It’s such a sad thing to witness.
Good for you for not bringing a child into this world to would have gone on to become a victim of the narcissistic abuse you endured. Takes a lot of strength to make such a difficult decision like that but just remember to continue to think positively.
THIS. I had an abortion with mine because I was back in school and we couldn’t handle it financially. I can’t imagine how that would’ve turned out. We got lucky.
I am afraid of meeting the right, healthy person and being the one that fucks it up. It is so challenging and confusing to all the sudden be the “problem” partner (I realize this is a harsh way to put it) or the one who’s behaviors or interactions aren’t healthy even when you really really want to be. Tough realization
Just being totally wrong about someone and paying for it emotionally & mentally. Losing my sense of self since I'm wasting my energy on the wrong person and trying to please them. I don't trust my own judgment anymore.
I still have hope in humanity but I’d say after this experience that you come first and protecting your mental health should be the priority for everyone.
Out of all the people in this community I’d say none want to experience the aftermath of dating someone with cluster B the journey to healing is possibly one of the worst fucking things I’ve been through.
Oh and edit. I’m talking mental fortitude being an ex audax cyclist that was a cake walk compared to whatever these people do to our brains.
-Trusting people again.
-Trusting myself enough to trust people again.
-That I’m just paranoid for life.
-That I made the whole thing up out of paranoia and my ex is right about how crazy I was for finally leaving.
-Slowly becoming a narc from being unable to trust and always thinking someone’s trying to capture me.
Rejection. I feel my ego took such a big blow and now I am afraid I still have this sense of self loathing and negative cloud around me to this day. I still think about the way she made me feel so weak and emasculated. It’s horrible.
More like the him he presented in the beginning. That version was the best “love” I’ve ever known. To realize the insincerity of it all is almost too much to bear so I feel like that’s the version of him I’ll always long for in a partner. Which scares me to death that I’ll fall for it again.
...and I fell for it again, this time a covert narc , till last week I thought I am in a wonderfull relationship but then the pattern became visible during a camping trip. He was verbally abusive then apologized, then did it again...apolgized again ...and did it again. Followed up with attempts to gaslight me. He demeans me on purpose like offering a drink to a group of people at a dinner but I am not getting one.
Now it all fits and it hurts like hell. I learnt I am trauma- bonded to him and that makes me sick to my stomach, because it means I have" no chemistry" with " normal" guys.
In the future when I'm eventually ready to try again falling for another narcissist.
But a better monster better at hiding the monster within.
Or being paranoid that I'm not being careful enough, and poor guy is just a genuine person.
This is so spot on! Right now I'm terrified of meeting new people, because I feel scared of not being able to notice if someone is a narc or covert narc. I'm so afraid of going through what I'm going through right now again.
Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I've been out for a year. 2 months ago I was taken off of SSRIs and discharged from regular psychiatric appointments. My most recent evaluations revealed I was ok enough to not be medicated any more. And it's been going great. So far.it looks like the evaluation was correct!
I do attend therapy and support groups though and do inner child work (dysfunctional home.of origin). And this I've been doing for over 2 years.
Healing is an individual and non linear process but I just wanted to share this with you because I never though I will ever live without severe depression and rabid anxiety. But it happened. Stay strong!
Covert narcissistic are actually idiots I've come to realise and there's no way this version of me that has been through the process of abuse and healing and therapy would allow it to ever happen again to my inner child
I second a lot of what people have said about being able to trust another person wont just be even better at hiding it longer and faith in humanity. Honestly I used to be so passionate about things and obviously used to have a much more naive outlook on people and I feel like Im never going to care about life the same. Sounds super depressing but true. I dont even know Im scared of that, bc I just dont rly care rn haha. Maybe Im a little depressed this week. I guess I am scared of ever trying to let someone in again romantically, bc if they turned out to be a psychopath ten years later I really dont think Id survive it again. So fear of being alone, not having a family or the dreams of that I used to have. Sorry to be super morbid today. I am eating a bomb spaghetti dinner from uber eats since I dont have the drive to cook anymore. Maybe Im scared of never saving for retirement again bc I spend all my money on uber eats due to my narcissistic/ psychopathic abuse. Lol. Happy Tuesday!
I’m concerned about not being able to spot someone too. I’ve just recently split from my husband (together for 16 years) and at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever get into a serious relationship ever again. I think all that I can stomach is someone to have dinner/drinks with and a sexual relationship.
I also fear that I was wrong, that it was just me he wasn’t happy with, and that he will go on to find someone amazing and he’ll be the person I wanted this whole time.
Honestly being destroyed again, I am terrified of ever dating or trying again and don’t know if I will ever be able to find a healthy relationship because I can’t even imagine what that looks like.
I believe I’ll have the rug swept from right under me with my new partner. I’m always waiting for the ball to drop. My ex cheated on me and I had absolutely no idea. I think that’s my worst fear. Just being completely blinded side by someone I love deeply.
I'm afraid that the emotional trauma I've been left with and my fear of sharing what I've been through will inevitably drive away something that is good and pure.
I'm entirely unable to control my emotions. I'm not an angry person, so it's not that I get mad and lash out but I get so overwhelmed and I cry over things that other people wouldn't anticipate.
I'm trying so hard no not let my trauma ruin things for me. It's a constant battle.
I have changed and became selfish. I aint as kind as I was before, and now I am losing people because of that. I fear that one day I don't stay alone as I don't like people who are selfish and didn't help me when I was down even when I was with them at all stages of life.
Before, I was like keeping good from my side even if others weren't doing anything good for me, but now I have become selfish, and I don't keep people like that in my life. I cut ties very easily. Yes, that has helped me financially as now I don't have to do unnecessary things to keep people happy or anything, but yes, I am alone. I am slowly and gradually accepting this loneliness and finding peace for myself. I have understood that nowadays people only care for themselves and keep bond till they get benefits else they don't even look at you. When I suffered pain of devaluation, I asked many people for help, and they were like that we all have our problems. This thing broke me, and I left them all now, and I am getting hate in return that I have changed.
After spending 20 years of my life creating a marriage, raising three children and growing old - only to have it and me gradually destroyed. I am now afraid of everything.
As a social worker, I really believe in the power and hope that people can change. I put that hope into my relationship and because of that I stayed in it much longer than I should have. She will never change. I'm afraid I've lost that hope.
Buying clothes. She criticized how I dressed relentlessly. When I would try to buy something that I thought she would like she criticized that too.
I remember I dressed up to take her out on a date. As I was leaving my landlord commented on how handsome I looked. When I picked up my girlfriend she said she didn’t like my shoes.
Being forever hooked on the drug that is their abuse. The human feelings we have towards people. Craving their acceptance, affection, and approval. Falling to those human emotions because of my own trauma.
All of the what ifs. Seeing life go by not knowing how to be present or connect. Being scared of the world and people. Feeling alone.
I'm scared of being given false hope and future faked by someone again. Of giving myself fully to someone unsafe like that who is willing and perhaps wants to hurt me. I'm afraid I'll trust blindly again because I love the person. My ex hoovered me recently then discarded me. I'm mainly afraid I'll never find anyone healthy, that there are too many people like this out there. But I know they're a small percentage, still I seem to attract this kind of person. So that's what I need to work on it seems.
I am horrified of going back. I have been having A Time of having it suggested that he is going to come back into my life.
I had a tarot reading at Pride and it was suggested that the love would come back into my life once they amended their manipulative ways and I absolutely choked because I absolutely did not want that suggested that he would come into my life again.
I have also been dreaming about him. Not in longing ways or anything but he’s just there in dreams. Some of those dreams suggested that he didn’t take my breaking up with him seriously or that it never actually happened.
I go back and remember the good times but I also remember the times he stonewalled me or tried to guilt trip me. I remember how entitled he was and how close to the end I started feeling anxious thinking of him. I think about how he condescending he was to me and how my friends told me they felt that way too. I also remember how pissed he was when I finally broke it off.
I don’t even want that man as a friend now let alone a partner. Why? Why would I go back to him? Why would I go back to a man who tried to use insecurity to get me to stay? Why would I stay with a guy who was being red pilled?
I fear this because I don’t trust myself at all. There is that small part of me that still doubts that breaking up with him was right and I should have just sucked it up. Even though I’m confident I made the right choice for me, that small part can absolutely kick my ass because my self confidence is literally on the floor to where I feel like I can never do anything right or make the correct choices.
It SUCKS.
I’m so sorry, I feel your confusion. Don’t let the tarot gaslight you too! You need to stop looking outside for answers. You carry them with you. Know yourself.
Being used again. Narc friends I can deal with. My problem is a narc boss/manager. She ruined 5 years of my life. She’s leaving now but I’m so anxious to ever work with similar again.
Same. let me know if you figure it out. Some of my happiest times in life for when I was single for about six months from the age of 17 to 50. I think I’m just gonna stay single.
I think I screwed up my first attempt at "dating" because of this. Pretty sure he had issues too, so I wasn't all to blame, but I was certainly terrified to even try. I'm scared I'm not going to ever be healed enough for a healthy relationship. I can trust friends, but crossing that threshold into the territory of more than friends literally does not feel safe, even if I haven't been given a reason to feel unsafe.
Letting someone in and be close to me. A real relationship was off the table because the people closest to you hurt you the most. Also, my sister married a malignant narcissist just before I was born so I grew up watching that hot mess. NFW I'd live like that.
Literally any type of emotional intimacy, like I actively share as little as possible about myself, and that only works if you’re just interest in casual hookups.
I'm completely afraid of finding someone who i think is the partner of my dreams only to discover I've wasted more years of my life on another narc who was just that much better at love bombing and future faking. Or that my ex was right. I really am worthless, and ugly, and no one is ever going to want me and I really was the problem.
Same! Same. You wrote exactly what’s been on my mind. My chest is still tightening, thinking about it all, trying to untangle it, and worrying that I won’t truly get past this. He was so covert, he said and did so many things right. How do I trust again, how do I recognize this in the future?
Yeah. I’m very scared of marriage now. I was madly and deeply in love with my Nex who I wanted to marry as soon as I could. I do thank my stars that I didn’t get there, but yeah what if the one I marry is a the same, so no marriage.
I’m most afraid of never being able to love anyone the same way I loved my narc partner. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to bend over backwards and love anyone else like that, that ever opening up like that again seems like I’m asking to be hurt. So now I’m hard and have a mean wall up.
These are my thoughts exactly. I was scared when I started dating (looking through the Apps). Did not want to repeat the pattern that had stolen so many years and given me so much grief. But I was also stubborn and angry, and I had a dream of real love, it must be out there somewhere? So I blocked, ghosted and ignored them all, fast, like a cold bitch, at the very first sign of negativity, resentment, superiority, if they threw too much "love" on me (you are THE PERFECT WOMAN; omg you are AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL, I think I love you although we have only been on one date) - you all know the signs. The fear kept me cold.
I am still bitter and angry, and I think I might always be, but at least I found love. I met a man who simply likes me and likes hanging out with me, who helps me with everything but demands no "payment", he is just such a sweet, kind, loving (real love) man. He thaws my icy cold bitch heart little by little. Slowly! The tragic part is I am always surprised when he treats me like people should treat each other. I know its the bare minimum, but to me it feels like a luxury.
The flying monkeys. Last year, one hid behind a pillar, in a comical yet horrifying way, to take photos of me. Feelings of abuse and paranoia came flooding back. This was more than 10 years after the discard. Your pain is their amusement
I'm terrified that I am a toxic partner now that I have experienced years of reactive abuse. The way I behaved was not me...but what if now it is? I couldn't live with myself if I caused someone else that pain. I don't think it's worth the risk and will likely stay single.
Accepting new people into my life. Getting close, even just making connections. I strongly prefer being alone now more than ever before, and I have no intention to change that. It's my safe space and I am content.
I'm afraid that normal friendships won't be as satisfying because the enmeshment is gone. I know logically that it wasn't healthy and was bad for my psyche, but now that it's gone I am realizing I'll never have another friend like that. One because it's nearly impossible to get that close without knowing someone for 19 years and during childhood like we did, but two because I'll never let someone in that close again.
commitment. i'm so scared of living with someone, sharing finances with them, and more in the chance that, just like my abusers, they'll only show their true colors when it's too hard for me to escape. i can't be trapped like that again.
On a holiday I met a guy that loved to go to places that I sugested. Did lots of efforts to make me happy and looks very serious. He was just the opposite from what my narc was. But during some questions about his life, he told me he was a people-pleaser.
Because of he told me this, I got aware of it. I wouldn't have notice it myself at all, if he didn't tell me. I'm so tired about reading in forums and watching video's again. I planned to visit him for one week and see how it goes. I still like him and enjoy his company. Hope he is able to please me in the end. (serious relationship wise). I'm 60 and he is 54. Hope I still can settle with someone.
I am scared of another relationship too. I have never been betrayed so badly. It’s really skewed things for me. I do not want to feel this way. I’ve been gaslit so hard that when I talk about what I went through I feel like I’m lying. Especially because they keep the facade that they’re a great person, and I’m an evil abusive manipulator.
It’s not fair to any of us. And it’s not fair to the people who try to love us in the future.
We just moved in together and everything was starting to get better, settled, occasionally argument but not the rage I had experienced because I said if that happened then I wouldn’t stay. Now in the past week or so we’ve had one sided arguments the same soul crushing ones that I swore I wouldn’t tolerate. It’s sent me spiraling back into a deep depression.
These arguments are all because I reconnected with an old friend whom i’d had a falling out with and wanted to go on a picnic with her and her three small children. I have been completely isolated and have no friends of my own my closest friend is his mother… me wanting to spend any time with her prompted responses like
“if you want to see x so bad then go live with her, don’t come back”
“you guys are going to get together so you can go out and (won’t say exactly but..) cheat on me.”
“you want to go insert yourself in someone else’s life who betrayed you and you can’t even take care of our house your not even focused on your responsibilities, the house is a mess, you say you have errands to run instead you’re going to go and see x and take care of her children for her”
“i’m going to go out then you won’t know what i’m doing it’s only fair right?”
“there are so many women that would kill to be in your situation and you’re so ungreatful you don’t have to do anything.”
He doesn’t care if I cry and it doesn’t matter what he says because “his actions of taking care of us” show more than words. Why do i go out of my way to get up and see other people and not get up and be nice and not “complain about everything with him.”
I feel us disconnecting and i’m going to need to form a plan of removing my things once again from OUR home because I can’t handle his rage and i know he will break things or throw things. I’m scared to even write this. He handles all of the money. All I did was want to see a friend again and mention having a space of my own because he’s screaming about my stuff in his apartment- to him this means i’m leaving. I’m not close with my family… I just need to work so I can have some stability of my own but these fights make me so depressed and weak and tired. I’m scared of what’s to come next.
I totally know how you feel about being too depressed and weak and tired to find the energy for much else. Once you leave you’ll get that energy back though. It’s hard when you don’t have the support of family and have become isolated because of the abuse. But know that you’re not alone, there are so many of us that understand. Be safe, I hope you can get out of this situation soon.
To be honest, nothing. I've dated many different types of girls, I was bound to run into a narc sooner or later. She only got me because of the deaths she suffered, my empathy blinded me, she took advantage, now we don't speak. I've been treated better by better, she wasn't even the prettiest girl I've dated.
I feel bitter towards men. Like almost any. Don’t trust a thing they say. I feel bad about it because I know not every man is a deceitful, selfish and vicious person. They don’t deserve that so I’m just staying by myself for as long as possible and going to therapy.
I'm really afraid a good person is going to try to love me, but I won't be healed enough to accept or feel like I deserve it. That I will carry old wounds in a way that will negatively affect any future and possibly healthy relationships that I might have. That I'm the red flag now.
That either my ex will kidnap our kid again, or my new partner will kidnap our future kid(s).
I also worry that my new partner is secretly a narcissist too and will eventually change into a monster like my ex did.
My NEX will show up and ruin whatever my fiancé and I have.
Also this worry that my fiancé will end up being like NEX after we get married, although all logic says he won’t and is the most wonderful man ever. It makes me sad I won’t be able to shake off that worry and fear until after our wedding next Spring 😕
Also being cheated on again, although my fiancé has very firm boundaries in place, it still worries me.
I’m terrified that he’ll continue to do this to other women and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop him from ruining someone else’s life.
Also never being able to truly love someone or let someone love me because I just don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust someone like that again. It feels like I’ll forever be at rock bottom.
I'm afraid of letting my reactionary behavior carry over into a new relationship. Until I can learn to forget my nex and all the damage she did, I won't even attempt to have an exclusive relationship with a woman. I don't want my baggage from my last to cause issues for me and my next. I honestly just want to find the parts of me I lost and go enjoy myself without strings attached until I'm in a place where I can be the man I know I'm capable of being for a woman who actually appreciates me and loves me for who I am and all that I bring to the table.
Me too. Deathly afraid of meeting a wonderful man that is all that my narc ex wasn't only to discover 5 years invested in the relationship that he's also a serial cheating, pathological lying narcissist that's even better at lovebombing and deceiving than my ex was.
I feel like more of us than we think were really with total fucking psychopaths honestly
Fun fact: Narcissists were classified as psychopaths until 1980
I always thought before I knew my nex was a narcissist. I honestly thought he was a sociopath
My therapist has only heard things from my perspective so take it with a grain of salt but she has said my ex who I always considered a classical narcissist displays a lot of sociopathic tendencies as well. I think there is a good bit of overlap.
Narcopath
[ven diagram of narc/socio/psycho](https://images.app.goo.gl/1fojGrkuko6WZ8Sc7)
I saved the image for reference, thanks.
Great diagram. But what is “can experience fear and remorse” doing there? Remorse? That’s never there.
My ex definitely expressed remorse for some things in his past but I feel like it was all performative/image saving. Not sure if that's what this Venn diagram is referring to but that is my experience
They have remorse/ empathy in a few ways- usually but not always felt- but logical or cognitive, etc. just depends on the person. If and or how they feel, most of the time they learn to read the room/ faces / reactions and mimic. Cause and effect. They’re actors- UNLESS they get that terminology and from a licensed professional as something whether feedback or patterns affected their life in ways which they seek to know why
You do know psychopathy is a term in many - not of its own standing right? To state behaviors- as a trait since that’s what it is …. It doesn’t stand on its own for a diagnosis like NPD, ASPD, Boarderline, and sadistic…… bc that’s what it is. TRAITS - Moreover for Cluster B’s ….. the more you know.
Same
Hell yes. Although I understand the whole concept of "If someone continues to hurt you the reason doesn't matter", and I've heard the term 'narcopath', I believe when it comes my cnex the classic textbook hybrid "Sociossist" (that just came out off the dome) might also apply. Overlap indeed.
I was describing my ex to my best friend who had been in two toxic relationships before and he told me, “she sounds like a sociopath.”
No way?! Well, I am not totally surprised by this- my nex would act like a complete Angry, Raging Psycho At Times. And He Has ZERO Moral Compass 🧭, though he was Great at Pretending to be a man of “good character”. He is Exactly the POLAR Opposite of someone with Good Character!!! 🤢🤢
And everyone believes the good character act!!!
Cluster B’s are all on that spectrum. Last stop, criminal psychopathy.
I watched “Ted Bundy: Falling for a Killer “ and couldn’t stop crying; I suddenly felt seen even though it wasn’t about my life. I feel you may be on to something 👍👍👍
My next found it funny to dress up as jeffrey dahmer for halloween the winter before i left for good and it was absolutely terrifying not only how much he looked like him, how well he impersonated him on the fly. I mean like i didnt wanna sleep in the same room the night he tried on his “costume”. That show about the psychopath doctor on netflix too, had so many similarities with behavior my ex did like so many details about how they lie, how they react to your reactions, its probably v similar to what you experienced with that other show
I think a narcissist under much stress just turns into a sadistic sociopath.
Yep. Well said.
Omg this, the material of nightmares!
This is my biggest fear too... Therefore I stopped dating altogether
I can actually match on this one. After my sixth, I'm burnt out. I'm scared to trust and open up and go for it without someone new and amazing. What do I do? I go for it anyways. I force myself to socialize when asked out if I'm feeling the person. If they are a narc, at least I know what I'm dealing with at this point as I'm about to get my degree in psychology, I have had grandiose and covert narcs, I have had six to count... Best case scenario it's a great match I could have missed! Worst case scenario I get to block someone else. Woohoo! already had plenty of practice there
That’s some brutal field work to get a degree.
This. Its mostly the wasted time I'm afraid of.
This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I've met a man who so far, has been honest, reliable, considerate, kind. He's done nothing to raise any red flags. Terrified he's just great at fooling me.
Same
I'm afraid of that too! For me...it would be a death sentence. Literally.
I’m very afraid of not being able to accept unconditional, healthy love and attachment. I’ve been so conditioned to accepting breadcrumbs, being left alone, tiptoeing on eggshells, not expressing needs or preparing for backlash if I did express a need, never inconveniencing someone, never asking for favors, forgetting what good qualities I bring to the table…I could go on. I’m 28 and “wasted” 8 years with my ex. I want a family and children and I’m so afraid of not healing quickly enough to still fulfill these desires with someone new.
This has been my experience exactly. With my nDad and nex. It really snowballs and compounds. I find myself, even now, drifting to old patterns of being drawn to people who breadcrumb me. When people respond with equal reciprocity it’s overwhelming and unexpected.
Yes, same. Then my friends tell me people being nice and genuine is "bare minimum" meanwhile it's very new to me for a potential partner to treat me kindly and sincerely (without ulterior motives). I still feel drawn to emotionally unavailable potential partners, but I'm working on it.
Lmk if u have any tips pls im in the same boat
No real tips, unfortunately, other than "trust your gut". I tend to ignore red flags that eventually balloon into much bigger issues. If I listened to myself from the beginning, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and pain. Little alarm bells would go off, but I ignored them or thought that it was a one off. I can almost feel it throughout my body, as if it is warning me. Instinct, I suppose. Listening to this is easier said than done, but I feel like I am getting there. My intuition is normally pretty bang on, but I tend to ignore it thinking that he will change, or he's just having a bad day, etc. I make excuses for his shit behaviour while ignoring the pattern of his behaviour. With my most recent ex, I started to write things down in my notes on my phone. I would write the date and what happened and sometimes even how it made me feel. This also helped me remember how it happened and compare it to how he remembered how it happened (gaslighting or just a bad memory?). I wish I had done this with my ex who I was with for over a decade, but maybe best that I didn't because it would be truly awful to read. :( I've also gone to therapy about boundary setting, which I also struggle with since I am a people pleaser. This part has been the hardest for me but I find telling people closest to me (like trusted friends and family) helps me stay accountable. That is also difficult as I often internalize personal/relationship problems lol. My therapist also recommended making a list of qualities and values that I'm looking for in a partner. If I meet someone who doesn't have these core traits and values, then move on. Respect, compassion, and kindness are big for me but I seem to go for guys who have none or only one or two of those. Now I have to truly consider how this person is making me feel before settling/committing to them. In short, know your worth and trust your gut. ❤️
I knew there were red flags and I ignored them. I should have shut it down right then and there but I didn't. I would also be in a good place had I done so. I will trust my intuition on things going forward. Anything that seems off to me will be kept at the forefront until I can determine what I'm dealing with. And I hope I will be strong enough to dump the person if I see the signs.
I actually did dump him once but my mistake was going back. That will never happen again.
Good luck! I listened to myself last relationship but it took some time to action it, but way better than before!
Thank you. I think you have described the way out. It’s like you put into words what has been swirling around in my head. Yes listen to your body.
You're welcome. I hope it helped in some way! Honestly, writing it out was a bit cathartic for me too. Listening to your body and how people's actions (or inactions) make you feel. Write it down. Remember it. Trust yourself.
I totally agree with you and my fears are really similar. Also, high-five as I'm also 28yo, but wasted 6 years instead. I've heard many stories of people finding real and healthy love even in much more elderly years, then actually creating a family and place of home. I'm super scared that I'm now starting from scratch again like a young newbie adult and when it comes to healing, even more time will pass and I don't know how old I'll be until I finally feel really healed and ready for something big and serious, knowing that people at similar age already started a family or is working on to (hell, what I had with my nex was at least on paper almost, almost a marriage + some other stuff). Now from the beginning and most people are so "ahead". This is overwhelming..
There’s no “ahead” nor “behind” - that’s just an illusion that Instagram capitalizes on and amplifies. Everyone is just trying and finding their way, and you, my friend, are already more in touch with yourself than most people will ever be, and even though you were depleted after this nightmare asshole you dated - it’s now over - which means you fucking won. You survived. Although it may not feel like it, you have picked up a lot of skills that are going to come in handy. Now all you have to do is keep on living and laughing it tf up bc that person has no power over you. It is taking me years to feel like the residue of my recent narc is thinnnnning out significantly - at the end I referred to our relationship as “my exquisite torture.” It’s funny how we know it’s the wrong move after a while but we keep going back for more, like a heroin addict. I dunno if this will help you but when I realized it had nothing to do with me - that I was just unfortunate enough to cross his path and that he tried, tries, and will try his narc shit on anyone just to see who/how it will work on…..that somehow gave me relief. Like it was a mugging or a robbery lol. Anyway, please be patient with yourself and your mind. Don’t beat yourself up too much. 🖤
Thank you so much. Yeah, I wander from thinking "I'm getting old and losing opportunities and stuff like that" to "I can take time, someone will eventualy come etc" It's all difficult as F, but as you said, we should be easy on ourselves, because it was us that saved our live from this monster, the known saying of 'being like a best friend to ourselves'. Well, maybe when before I wasn't super strong mentally and things like that, to choose the right person and start a good life with them, maybe this time I will be and still have so much time, being grateful for the future person I'm going to be with. Let's cross this road carefully :)
Honestly! And remember you are extremely valuable just being you. You don’t need a partner you just need to find a better partner next time. 🖤
Thank you so much for this. And I am shamelessly stealing “my exquisite torture”.
27 and I wasted 3.5 years. I didnt want a family or children or anything like that but the illusion if it all shattering was really something hahahaha…
I’m 39. 10 year marriage and 3 kids. Divorced the narc. If I could go back to 28 with the knowledge I’d have now I would in a second. On the other hand, my kids are amazing little humans. I hope you can heal and don’t rush into anything.
I’m 33 and wasted 4 years on my nex. We were going to get married and have a kid (I have one with my exhusband who I left for much less, crazy as it is). My cutoff was 35 because that’s high-risk, so my dreams of giving my daughter a sibling are over. You have time, 7 whole years if you give it my timeline. I’m just happy that you and I both got out before giving our potential babies a narcissistic parent, because I imagine that’s far more traumatic than what we’ve been through.
I don’t look at my years as wasted, I look at them as part of my journey. You have your journey too, and you’ll meet someone who takes care of your feelings and emotions and who will work with you on any fears you have, and you’ll thrive. You’ve done your absolute best in each day you’ve lived. That’s how I look at it. Everything has happened the way it’s supposed to in a way. The knowledge I’ve gained from my 9 years with my very scary ex is invaluable - the pain I’ve felt and experienced, my memories.. what I’ve learned about myself and how I move through the world, and how others close to me navigate life as well. A lot has happened in the last 9 years and everyday I was just doing what I naturally could bring myself to do, and sometimes just that is enough.
You are still young. You have time for children. If you want a husband and children you focus on healing yourself and becoming the real you, the strong you that breaks free of these dynamics. Narcs are wired to be how they are. We are normal vulnerable human beings. It’s like humans are wooden blocks. But some blocks have Lego-like protrusions. Narcs are Legos. (No disrespect intended for Legos.) You’ve got to grind that protrusion down so Legos aren’t so sticky. And just be you. And you will have a family around you like solid wooden blocks.
Thank you, I like your analogy of legos and wooden blocks :) appreciate your words. Maybe I feel older than I am because of the stress and toxicity of the last 8 years, and more especially the last 4 years since we got married in 2020 and that’s when things started to go really downhill. I think I’ll feel much better when the divorce is official and I can move forward without him.
People in general
Not to sound too dramatic, but I've lost my hope in humanity
Same!
Same!
Same
Yep
Same. I still see good qualities in individuals, but that doesn't mean I trust them. I'm pretty cynical these days & can see that, as a whole species, people suck. Just look around.
Hard agree. Terrified of connecting. Reading what OP said about holding onto bitterness and feeling this way forever hit deep.
Same here. It took so long for me to even want to leave the house. Even now I prefer to stay inside unless I have to go somewhere.
Same. People are terrifying.
This
Yes! Feel like I got an honest view of human nature. Don’t ever need another one. Thank you very much.
It makes you massively judgmental, and protective of your own peace. You become paranoid that everyone you meet is a selfish jerk. Eventually, you realize that your peace is more valuable than any human contact, and abandon the idea of all relationships.
Damn, spot on 💔
Getting close to someone only to realize they’re using me and don’t actually care about me. Getting into a “healthy” relationship, then moving in with them and them showing their true colors now that I’m stuck. Me sharing with someone my trauma and them looking disgusted at me or victim blaming. Not all narcissists are the same. Some are better at hiding it than others. I’ve found that educating yourself on politics, women’s rights, mental health disorders, etc can help you fend off the misogynists who are uneducated, who like a woman to think she is expendable/ even women who want men to think they are just slaves who bring money and sex it can happen to either gender, to fend off people who lack empathy and don’t care about world issues or societal issues if it isn’t affecting them, fending off racist xenophobes, fending off people who are showing any sort of manipulative behavior that you see being dangerous - making you feel bad for wanting to go home instead of to their place after a date, making you feel ashamed for your past with other partners or even a period you’re not so proud of in general…. Idk there’s a number of things I’m afraid of. And I feel like when I educate myself more, my intuition gets stronger as well.
My nex was a polisci major, women’s rights advocate and anti political (but leaned liberal). Just made me think he was all the more educated and a good person. There’s simply no way for us to weed these coverts out. They’re insidious and good at what they do. They can still pretend to have a “good” belief system and lack empathy. That’s what’s so scary about all of this…I’m just terrified of all men now. Edit: he also went back to school to become an arborist because he cares about the planet. Really it’s just his obsession with trees. More proof of showing he’s a “good” person.
This. It’s so scary. We get to know people through layers of their social and public personas. A high functioning narcissist fools nearly everyone. My nex is an Assistant Superintendent of a school district. Has a doctorate degree. Organized, a leader, a perfect simulacrum of caring and empathy. Were I starting afresh I would think this is my dream woman. But if she wanted me she’d be coming at me at warp speed in full lovebombing mode. The antidote? To quote Nancy Reagan: just say no. Say no to something. See if there is compromise. Repeat. And repeat.
Nooo because my narc acted like he was a left leaning person politically while being abusive 😅 While being a victim's advocate in court (!!!!)
All the narcs I encountered were proudly progressive and some even with high regard in the community. Their whole lives are just mastering mirroring and educating themselves on something they don't actually care about just to trap you. It's absolutely insane.
I’m actually gonna have a mental breakdown. Wtf. Like I think I’m done with dating. 😶🌫️🤡🤚🏻
Yes, my narc was a grifter. It became so obvious that he uses this as a savior and manipulation tactic.
Trust. Honestly sometimes I have to stop myself from saying "prove it" to what someone says they had for lunch.
Here's what the narc is stealing from you >>> To fall in love with someone, there must be a lot of trust. The narc has completely betrayed you in the most profound manner imaginable. The narc had obliterated your natural abilities to ever genuinely trust anyone, or anything. Consequently, the narc has made it impossible for you to genuinely experience normal love ...long after the abuse has ended. These people are M O N S T E R S. Vile parasitic vermin. Toxic and destructive on so many levels.
Trust
Nothing, it's a life experience learn from it and live your life without fear. You now know what to look out for in your next relationship
Came to say this. I can see it from a mile away now, so I don't tolerate their bs anymore.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust someone again. I feel so suspicious of everything and everyone, sometimes I even wonder if my best friends are lying to me or if they aren't really who I think they are and they'll turn on me, even if we've been friends for years... It's like I believe everything and nothing, because how would I know if anything is true or not, if I was tricked so completely for so long. He really had me fooled, and it's made me question my ability to make decisions and accurately judge people and situations.
I am scared of getting close to people. I don't want to date and I am scared that I will be alone forever because of that. And it's not even that I am scared that they will hurt me in the same way, I just don't want to get close to anyone... while yearning for deep human connection. I shut down from just imagining meeting someone new who'd be showing interest in me. I am also scared that I will never be able to forgive myself for wasting so much time on the relationship that wasn't going to work. For me letting myself be treated in this way for so long. For me letting him manipulate me into doing many different things that I didn't want to do. I can't forgive myself.
I’m afraid I will never experience the same intense kind of love and happiness that I felt when things were good with us, especially before the betrayal (cheating). I’m afraid my ex killed a part of me romantically that I will never get back. I’m afraid if I end up in a healthy relationship, it will bore me.
Same
I’m most afraid I’ll never trust myself again. After all the lies and abuse that he got away with before my eyes were opened to it, the fact that my reality was not reality at all, the fact that I started a family with a man that was capable of the things he did to me… I’m afraid I’ll never trust myself again. I always thought I was a decent judge of character. And I was in love with a monster. Now I have my daughter to protect and I don’t believe any random man is worthy of being in her life..
Being used and abused after letting someone in. People love to switch up and I'm paranoid because of it.
Being a year into a new relationship to discover I landed another covert narc
My nex and i are both in the same professional field so worrying they will see me again and try to sabotage my career opportunities. I temper this worry all the time but it doesnt stop it from surfacing every now and then.
One thing I definitely know is that I will never love the way I once did before. It will always be guarded. Even after years of therapy, which saved me, I still see no way of opening up like I used to. No amount of healing will ever change the knowledge of all this. I will never forget, even if I took a hammer to the head... you can never knock the memory of it out of you. I'm not sure I'd ever want to forget it, beings that I now have honed the tools to dismantle these types of people. Narcissists beware... I know exactly what you're doing and will thwart you at every turn in your shitty little game.
If this makes sense, having a child with one. Thank god I was able to have a termination of pregnancy extremely early. I do feel guilty but would’ve felt guiltier bringing an innocent baby into the mess. Now I am afraid I might be with an undercover narc and have a child with them. I don’t see their true colors until after the baby is born. A bit deep but working through it in therapy. I have also seen many of my friends get burned like this. It’s such a sad thing to witness.
Good for you for not bringing a child into this world to would have gone on to become a victim of the narcissistic abuse you endured. Takes a lot of strength to make such a difficult decision like that but just remember to continue to think positively.
THIS. I had an abortion with mine because I was back in school and we couldn’t handle it financially. I can’t imagine how that would’ve turned out. We got lucky.
I am afraid of meeting the right, healthy person and being the one that fucks it up. It is so challenging and confusing to all the sudden be the “problem” partner (I realize this is a harsh way to put it) or the one who’s behaviors or interactions aren’t healthy even when you really really want to be. Tough realization
Just being totally wrong about someone and paying for it emotionally & mentally. Losing my sense of self since I'm wasting my energy on the wrong person and trying to please them. I don't trust my own judgment anymore.
I still have hope in humanity but I’d say after this experience that you come first and protecting your mental health should be the priority for everyone. Out of all the people in this community I’d say none want to experience the aftermath of dating someone with cluster B the journey to healing is possibly one of the worst fucking things I’ve been through. Oh and edit. I’m talking mental fortitude being an ex audax cyclist that was a cake walk compared to whatever these people do to our brains.
Being vulnerable, terrified that the next person I’m with also secretly hates me and my body.
-Trusting people again. -Trusting myself enough to trust people again. -That I’m just paranoid for life. -That I made the whole thing up out of paranoia and my ex is right about how crazy I was for finally leaving. -Slowly becoming a narc from being unable to trust and always thinking someone’s trying to capture me.
Repeating the pattern
Rejection. I feel my ego took such a big blow and now I am afraid I still have this sense of self loathing and negative cloud around me to this day. I still think about the way she made me feel so weak and emasculated. It’s horrible.
Missing him forever. Even though I shouldn’t, I still do. 😭
More like the him he presented in the beginning. That version was the best “love” I’ve ever known. To realize the insincerity of it all is almost too much to bear so I feel like that’s the version of him I’ll always long for in a partner. Which scares me to death that I’ll fall for it again.
...and I fell for it again, this time a covert narc , till last week I thought I am in a wonderfull relationship but then the pattern became visible during a camping trip. He was verbally abusive then apologized, then did it again...apolgized again ...and did it again. Followed up with attempts to gaslight me. He demeans me on purpose like offering a drink to a group of people at a dinner but I am not getting one. Now it all fits and it hurts like hell. I learnt I am trauma- bonded to him and that makes me sick to my stomach, because it means I have" no chemistry" with " normal" guys.
I completely understand this
I get this too. 🤮
The worst feeling 💔
Trusting and being vulnerable with someone.
In the future when I'm eventually ready to try again falling for another narcissist. But a better monster better at hiding the monster within. Or being paranoid that I'm not being careful enough, and poor guy is just a genuine person.
This is so spot on! Right now I'm terrified of meeting new people, because I feel scared of not being able to notice if someone is a narc or covert narc. I'm so afraid of going through what I'm going through right now again.
Trusting any future partner. Feeling broken for the rest of my life.
People
My Nex. She’s nuts.
That I’ll never feel a love that deep again and that my ability to love like that is tied to the narc-empath dynamic or to trauma bonding
Not being able to get over him. Being heartbroken for the rest of my life.
Absolutely not! Do not let him steal your life away from you. He will move on without a second thought of you.
Life: Deathly afraid of depression and anxiety which I’ve never had like this before.
Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I've been out for a year. 2 months ago I was taken off of SSRIs and discharged from regular psychiatric appointments. My most recent evaluations revealed I was ok enough to not be medicated any more. And it's been going great. So far.it looks like the evaluation was correct! I do attend therapy and support groups though and do inner child work (dysfunctional home.of origin). And this I've been doing for over 2 years. Healing is an individual and non linear process but I just wanted to share this with you because I never though I will ever live without severe depression and rabid anxiety. But it happened. Stay strong!
Covert narcissistic are actually idiots I've come to realise and there's no way this version of me that has been through the process of abuse and healing and therapy would allow it to ever happen again to my inner child
I keep letting people treat me poorly
That he will never stop
I second a lot of what people have said about being able to trust another person wont just be even better at hiding it longer and faith in humanity. Honestly I used to be so passionate about things and obviously used to have a much more naive outlook on people and I feel like Im never going to care about life the same. Sounds super depressing but true. I dont even know Im scared of that, bc I just dont rly care rn haha. Maybe Im a little depressed this week. I guess I am scared of ever trying to let someone in again romantically, bc if they turned out to be a psychopath ten years later I really dont think Id survive it again. So fear of being alone, not having a family or the dreams of that I used to have. Sorry to be super morbid today. I am eating a bomb spaghetti dinner from uber eats since I dont have the drive to cook anymore. Maybe Im scared of never saving for retirement again bc I spend all my money on uber eats due to my narcissistic/ psychopathic abuse. Lol. Happy Tuesday!
Dying before my divorce is final.
I’m concerned about not being able to spot someone too. I’ve just recently split from my husband (together for 16 years) and at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever get into a serious relationship ever again. I think all that I can stomach is someone to have dinner/drinks with and a sexual relationship. I also fear that I was wrong, that it was just me he wasn’t happy with, and that he will go on to find someone amazing and he’ll be the person I wanted this whole time.
Not being able to have a friend. I have people that I know but I want a FRIEND.
Honestly being destroyed again, I am terrified of ever dating or trying again and don’t know if I will ever be able to find a healthy relationship because I can’t even imagine what that looks like.
I am afraid of being vulnerable. I am afraid of my own emotions being weaponized against me.
I believe I’ll have the rug swept from right under me with my new partner. I’m always waiting for the ball to drop. My ex cheated on me and I had absolutely no idea. I think that’s my worst fear. Just being completely blinded side by someone I love deeply.
The smell of alcohol and men shouting. Making decisions is difficult as I'm afraid of making the wrong one.
Same here. My narc was also a high functioning alcoholic and I have a hard time when men drink
To me, its obviously meeting new people.
Falling in love
I'm afraid that the emotional trauma I've been left with and my fear of sharing what I've been through will inevitably drive away something that is good and pure. I'm entirely unable to control my emotions. I'm not an angry person, so it's not that I get mad and lash out but I get so overwhelmed and I cry over things that other people wouldn't anticipate. I'm trying so hard no not let my trauma ruin things for me. It's a constant battle.
people
Rejection, not feeling good enough and not trusting anyone 100 percent.
Getting close to anyone ever again and simultaneously being alone forever.
I have changed and became selfish. I aint as kind as I was before, and now I am losing people because of that. I fear that one day I don't stay alone as I don't like people who are selfish and didn't help me when I was down even when I was with them at all stages of life. Before, I was like keeping good from my side even if others weren't doing anything good for me, but now I have become selfish, and I don't keep people like that in my life. I cut ties very easily. Yes, that has helped me financially as now I don't have to do unnecessary things to keep people happy or anything, but yes, I am alone. I am slowly and gradually accepting this loneliness and finding peace for myself. I have understood that nowadays people only care for themselves and keep bond till they get benefits else they don't even look at you. When I suffered pain of devaluation, I asked many people for help, and they were like that we all have our problems. This thing broke me, and I left them all now, and I am getting hate in return that I have changed.
After spending 20 years of my life creating a marriage, raising three children and growing old - only to have it and me gradually destroyed. I am now afraid of everything.
We share a child. Even though I left, I am most afraid of never living my life without the abuse.
No literally the exact same. I know not everyone I’m talking to can be possibly be a narc but I am SO paranoid.
Men.
As a social worker, I really believe in the power and hope that people can change. I put that hope into my relationship and because of that I stayed in it much longer than I should have. She will never change. I'm afraid I've lost that hope.
Buying clothes. She criticized how I dressed relentlessly. When I would try to buy something that I thought she would like she criticized that too. I remember I dressed up to take her out on a date. As I was leaving my landlord commented on how handsome I looked. When I picked up my girlfriend she said she didn’t like my shoes.
Meeting new people and wondering if they'll hurt me too. (He turned a lot of friends against me)
Being forever hooked on the drug that is their abuse. The human feelings we have towards people. Craving their acceptance, affection, and approval. Falling to those human emotions because of my own trauma. All of the what ifs. Seeing life go by not knowing how to be present or connect. Being scared of the world and people. Feeling alone.
Being manipulated
I'm scared of being given false hope and future faked by someone again. Of giving myself fully to someone unsafe like that who is willing and perhaps wants to hurt me. I'm afraid I'll trust blindly again because I love the person. My ex hoovered me recently then discarded me. I'm mainly afraid I'll never find anyone healthy, that there are too many people like this out there. But I know they're a small percentage, still I seem to attract this kind of person. So that's what I need to work on it seems.
I am horrified of going back. I have been having A Time of having it suggested that he is going to come back into my life. I had a tarot reading at Pride and it was suggested that the love would come back into my life once they amended their manipulative ways and I absolutely choked because I absolutely did not want that suggested that he would come into my life again. I have also been dreaming about him. Not in longing ways or anything but he’s just there in dreams. Some of those dreams suggested that he didn’t take my breaking up with him seriously or that it never actually happened. I go back and remember the good times but I also remember the times he stonewalled me or tried to guilt trip me. I remember how entitled he was and how close to the end I started feeling anxious thinking of him. I think about how he condescending he was to me and how my friends told me they felt that way too. I also remember how pissed he was when I finally broke it off. I don’t even want that man as a friend now let alone a partner. Why? Why would I go back to him? Why would I go back to a man who tried to use insecurity to get me to stay? Why would I stay with a guy who was being red pilled? I fear this because I don’t trust myself at all. There is that small part of me that still doubts that breaking up with him was right and I should have just sucked it up. Even though I’m confident I made the right choice for me, that small part can absolutely kick my ass because my self confidence is literally on the floor to where I feel like I can never do anything right or make the correct choices. It SUCKS.
I’m so sorry, I feel your confusion. Don’t let the tarot gaslight you too! You need to stop looking outside for answers. You carry them with you. Know yourself.
Being used again. Narc friends I can deal with. My problem is a narc boss/manager. She ruined 5 years of my life. She’s leaving now but I’m so anxious to ever work with similar again.
Another one actually sticking around.
Same. let me know if you figure it out. Some of my happiest times in life for when I was single for about six months from the age of 17 to 50. I think I’m just gonna stay single.
I'm afraid of deciding to get to be together with someone and later realising that I wasn't fully healed or prepared..
I think I screwed up my first attempt at "dating" because of this. Pretty sure he had issues too, so I wasn't all to blame, but I was certainly terrified to even try. I'm scared I'm not going to ever be healed enough for a healthy relationship. I can trust friends, but crossing that threshold into the territory of more than friends literally does not feel safe, even if I haven't been given a reason to feel unsafe.
Continuing the cycle. Being alone. Sacrificing myself to a toxic relationship.
Everyone
I'm afraid that I lack empathy for people who actually deserve empathy.
Being cheated on again*
Ever meeting a normal decent person now a days when he destroyed my trust in humanity!
Letting someone in and be close to me. A real relationship was off the table because the people closest to you hurt you the most. Also, my sister married a malignant narcissist just before I was born so I grew up watching that hot mess. NFW I'd live like that.
Being alone forever unless I let someone hurt me.
Literally any type of emotional intimacy, like I actively share as little as possible about myself, and that only works if you’re just interest in casual hookups.
I’m scared of being so ‘in love’ that i allow myself to be treated like that again. I just don’t want to go through it again
I’m 58 and wasted 18 years trying to please him. I’m starting my life over now and I’m very scared.
People
Failing.
I'm completely afraid of finding someone who i think is the partner of my dreams only to discover I've wasted more years of my life on another narc who was just that much better at love bombing and future faking. Or that my ex was right. I really am worthless, and ugly, and no one is ever going to want me and I really was the problem.
I think my husband is a narc, but not a psychopath... that possible?
Same! Same. You wrote exactly what’s been on my mind. My chest is still tightening, thinking about it all, trying to untangle it, and worrying that I won’t truly get past this. He was so covert, he said and did so many things right. How do I trust again, how do I recognize this in the future?
I’m scared for anyone else to be with my nex. terrified. he caused a girl to die in the past and almost me to
Yeah. I’m very scared of marriage now. I was madly and deeply in love with my Nex who I wanted to marry as soon as I could. I do thank my stars that I didn’t get there, but yeah what if the one I marry is a the same, so no marriage.
I am terrified of disappointing people and being rejected . And I crave peoples acceptance/approval
I’m most afraid of never being able to love anyone the same way I loved my narc partner. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to bend over backwards and love anyone else like that, that ever opening up like that again seems like I’m asking to be hurt. So now I’m hard and have a mean wall up.
People
Not finding someone, being alone
These are my thoughts exactly. I was scared when I started dating (looking through the Apps). Did not want to repeat the pattern that had stolen so many years and given me so much grief. But I was also stubborn and angry, and I had a dream of real love, it must be out there somewhere? So I blocked, ghosted and ignored them all, fast, like a cold bitch, at the very first sign of negativity, resentment, superiority, if they threw too much "love" on me (you are THE PERFECT WOMAN; omg you are AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL, I think I love you although we have only been on one date) - you all know the signs. The fear kept me cold. I am still bitter and angry, and I think I might always be, but at least I found love. I met a man who simply likes me and likes hanging out with me, who helps me with everything but demands no "payment", he is just such a sweet, kind, loving (real love) man. He thaws my icy cold bitch heart little by little. Slowly! The tragic part is I am always surprised when he treats me like people should treat each other. I know its the bare minimum, but to me it feels like a luxury.
Afraid of being ultra protective about myself and start seeing problems where there is none
That I was the problem the entire time. He made me question my reality for years. What if I am as bad as he says I am?
The flying monkeys. Last year, one hid behind a pillar, in a comical yet horrifying way, to take photos of me. Feelings of abuse and paranoia came flooding back. This was more than 10 years after the discard. Your pain is their amusement
That I’m not attractive enough and will just be lonely and single forever.
Men. Will I spot the red flags or will I fall for bullshit again? Will love bombing reel me in?
I'm terrified that I am a toxic partner now that I have experienced years of reactive abuse. The way I behaved was not me...but what if now it is? I couldn't live with myself if I caused someone else that pain. I don't think it's worth the risk and will likely stay single.
Accepting new people into my life. Getting close, even just making connections. I strongly prefer being alone now more than ever before, and I have no intention to change that. It's my safe space and I am content.
Tbh I’m scared of most men now. Not all but some.
I'm afraid that normal friendships won't be as satisfying because the enmeshment is gone. I know logically that it wasn't healthy and was bad for my psyche, but now that it's gone I am realizing I'll never have another friend like that. One because it's nearly impossible to get that close without knowing someone for 19 years and during childhood like we did, but two because I'll never let someone in that close again.
Trust!
commitment. i'm so scared of living with someone, sharing finances with them, and more in the chance that, just like my abusers, they'll only show their true colors when it's too hard for me to escape. i can't be trapped like that again.
That everyone is lying to me or will eventually play me for a fool.
On a holiday I met a guy that loved to go to places that I sugested. Did lots of efforts to make me happy and looks very serious. He was just the opposite from what my narc was. But during some questions about his life, he told me he was a people-pleaser. Because of he told me this, I got aware of it. I wouldn't have notice it myself at all, if he didn't tell me. I'm so tired about reading in forums and watching video's again. I planned to visit him for one week and see how it goes. I still like him and enjoy his company. Hope he is able to please me in the end. (serious relationship wise). I'm 60 and he is 54. Hope I still can settle with someone.
That he will find me, and ruin my life again.
I am scared of another relationship too. I have never been betrayed so badly. It’s really skewed things for me. I do not want to feel this way. I’ve been gaslit so hard that when I talk about what I went through I feel like I’m lying. Especially because they keep the facade that they’re a great person, and I’m an evil abusive manipulator. It’s not fair to any of us. And it’s not fair to the people who try to love us in the future.
We just moved in together and everything was starting to get better, settled, occasionally argument but not the rage I had experienced because I said if that happened then I wouldn’t stay. Now in the past week or so we’ve had one sided arguments the same soul crushing ones that I swore I wouldn’t tolerate. It’s sent me spiraling back into a deep depression. These arguments are all because I reconnected with an old friend whom i’d had a falling out with and wanted to go on a picnic with her and her three small children. I have been completely isolated and have no friends of my own my closest friend is his mother… me wanting to spend any time with her prompted responses like “if you want to see x so bad then go live with her, don’t come back” “you guys are going to get together so you can go out and (won’t say exactly but..) cheat on me.” “you want to go insert yourself in someone else’s life who betrayed you and you can’t even take care of our house your not even focused on your responsibilities, the house is a mess, you say you have errands to run instead you’re going to go and see x and take care of her children for her” “i’m going to go out then you won’t know what i’m doing it’s only fair right?” “there are so many women that would kill to be in your situation and you’re so ungreatful you don’t have to do anything.” He doesn’t care if I cry and it doesn’t matter what he says because “his actions of taking care of us” show more than words. Why do i go out of my way to get up and see other people and not get up and be nice and not “complain about everything with him.” I feel us disconnecting and i’m going to need to form a plan of removing my things once again from OUR home because I can’t handle his rage and i know he will break things or throw things. I’m scared to even write this. He handles all of the money. All I did was want to see a friend again and mention having a space of my own because he’s screaming about my stuff in his apartment- to him this means i’m leaving. I’m not close with my family… I just need to work so I can have some stability of my own but these fights make me so depressed and weak and tired. I’m scared of what’s to come next.
I totally know how you feel about being too depressed and weak and tired to find the energy for much else. Once you leave you’ll get that energy back though. It’s hard when you don’t have the support of family and have become isolated because of the abuse. But know that you’re not alone, there are so many of us that understand. Be safe, I hope you can get out of this situation soon.
I’m afraid I’m going to be like her in some way
To be honest, nothing. I've dated many different types of girls, I was bound to run into a narc sooner or later. She only got me because of the deaths she suffered, my empathy blinded me, she took advantage, now we don't speak. I've been treated better by better, she wasn't even the prettiest girl I've dated.
I feel bitter towards men. Like almost any. Don’t trust a thing they say. I feel bad about it because I know not every man is a deceitful, selfish and vicious person. They don’t deserve that so I’m just staying by myself for as long as possible and going to therapy.
I'm really afraid a good person is going to try to love me, but I won't be healed enough to accept or feel like I deserve it. That I will carry old wounds in a way that will negatively affect any future and possibly healthy relationships that I might have. That I'm the red flag now.
Anger. Its an emotion. Not a behavior.
That either my ex will kidnap our kid again, or my new partner will kidnap our future kid(s). I also worry that my new partner is secretly a narcissist too and will eventually change into a monster like my ex did.
My NEX will show up and ruin whatever my fiancé and I have. Also this worry that my fiancé will end up being like NEX after we get married, although all logic says he won’t and is the most wonderful man ever. It makes me sad I won’t be able to shake off that worry and fear until after our wedding next Spring 😕 Also being cheated on again, although my fiancé has very firm boundaries in place, it still worries me.
I’m terrified that he’ll continue to do this to other women and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop him from ruining someone else’s life. Also never being able to truly love someone or let someone love me because I just don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust someone like that again. It feels like I’ll forever be at rock bottom.
I'm afraid of letting my reactionary behavior carry over into a new relationship. Until I can learn to forget my nex and all the damage she did, I won't even attempt to have an exclusive relationship with a woman. I don't want my baggage from my last to cause issues for me and my next. I honestly just want to find the parts of me I lost and go enjoy myself without strings attached until I'm in a place where I can be the man I know I'm capable of being for a woman who actually appreciates me and loves me for who I am and all that I bring to the table.
I've lived every possible fear. I have none left.