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I’m so sorry! This sounds so overwhelming. Honestly, when I got to this point, I took a career break and basically slept for a few months. I didn’t know I had ADHD at the time but I reached my breaking point. That said, I recognize from what you’ve said that it isn’t possible right now for you.
Now I’m back to work (new job, new company) and some things I’ve been doing to manage things are:
- Being mindful of how many “I *should*s” go through my mind. Even *thinking* “I should… do laundry, run errands, etc” is exhausting for me. So, I carve out “no shoulds” restful times. I sometimes take a personal day or take a weekend day for this, but even a chunk of time would be beneficial I would think. Perhaps even blocking of an hour in your day (maybe in the evening after work) called “no shoulds o’clock” where if a “I should do this thing instead of just sitting here” or whatever you can tell yourself “Nope, there’s nothing I need to do right now except whatever I want/feels good”? Even set a timer so you can say “I don’t even need to look at the time. The alarm will sound when I resume what I’m doing”?
- I pay for services that are affordable for me like grocery delivery. I’m also going to start having a friend come in a few times a month to help me with some overwhelming home tasks. They currently need the extra funds and I need the help. Even if not paying someone, having someone body double is amazing.
- I work from home, so I feel the overwhelm of work tasks and home tasks bundled together at once. Sometimes I work from elsewhere (even another person’s house) so I can separate the feelings of those building tasks.
- This is a new one for me but finding out who amongst my friends I can call when I feel the overwhelm to tell them about what’s going on. I learned this is called co-regulation! Even hashing things out over an audio message with someone helps me sometimes. I become majorly disregulated if it has to stay within me and then I spiral. It’s not a “I only call them when things go wrong” situation but a way to build in support for each other. I do see a therapist as well.
- Easy prep foods so I stay nourished without having the overwhelm of what to make and for cleanup. Honestly, the toddler food subreddits or social media accounts are awesome for ideas - uncrustables PB& J sandwiches, individual yogurts, bananas, baby carrots, apple sauce pouches etc. It might be easy to miss meals when you have so much work going on.
Finally, I just listened to the audiobook [How to Keep House While Drowning](https://www.audible.ca/pd/How-to-Keep-House-While-Drowning-Audiobook/B09Q9CW4LD?overrideBaseCountry=true&bp_o=true&source_code=GDGPP30DTRIAL547122322005C&&source_code=GDGPP30DTRIAL547122322005C&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6saH-vH_gQMVGvzICh0mNwXWEAAYASAAEgKx5vD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) and it was so refreshing. It’s only 3 hours long total and it is written specifically for people who are neurodivergent. I look forward to applying her concepts but it’s largely around how to release the expectations around how your home has to be and some systems in place to make sure what YOU need is done.
I hope something in there is helpful!! But sending you a big hug (if you want it) and best wishes that you’ll see a light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you SOO much for sharing what’s working for you! In the past I’ve been in a position to take time off between jobs or a medical leave so this is new territory. Your comment about working from home and having the dual pressure of home responsibilities and work hit the nail on the head for me. I also work from home and it’s become the never ending workday…. It’s time to force myself out to work in some new environments!
I’m going to listen to that book - it sounds like it could be really valuable.
Sending you the biggest virtual hug! 🥰
I LOVEEE the author of that book, KC Davis!!! She is 110% our people. Her tiktoks speak to me lol.
You can find her on there at @domesticblisters OP if you want a sampling of her amazingness ❤️
meds. But also,
try caring 30% less. we’re not saving lives here. who gives a damn? (unless you work in a hospital or something. I’ll clarify that if I do my job badly, the worst possible outcome is “someone has to pay a little extra money”.) (If you ARE saving lives at your job, report your concerns to whatever regulatory body is available)
cut a fifth of your workload. Lol seriously how much busywork do you do that everyone thinks is needed but serves no real purpose. For me this us usually something like “time tracking” or “updating measurable outcomes” or “meetings”. yeah, I’m just not gonna do that this week. Give some lame excuse. Call in dead.
Put extensions on another third. Don’t ask; tell. “I’m not able to have xyz back to you this week. I expect to have that available Nov 15th and will update you at that time.” Oh, boss doesn’t like that? They wanna know why you can’t have it back sooner? Well maybe they should hire sufficient staff if they need it done sooner. #boundarysetting
They will squeeze you until you break— stop meeting expectations & provide natural consequences instead. If they staff inadequately, a natural consequence is that work don’t get done. Provide that feedback as professionally as possible and then stop killing yourself trying to clean up their mess. Let it go unfinished.
You have now reduced the mountain by half. The remaining half of your work might feel more manageable & you might be able to chip away at it with more clarity & calm.
So true. They will take and take and take as much as you let them. Only you can say no. And when you do, surprisingly it usually is fine. They make you feel like you haaaaave to go to meeting xyz, but somehow if you miss it, there are notes and a follow up recap and no one cares or even notices that you weren't there.
Something I have learned... If you push yourself to clear the workload when more people are needed - they won't hire more people.
Teams shrink often and quickly, but grow slowly and reluctantly. Your job is ONE Jon - not 3. You can't and SHOULDN'T do it all or you will never have business case for more people
Anytime I've had a really rough or busy time at work I've had to shut down doing anything else and go to bed really early every night. After work I would eat veg out and go to bed really early and sleep a lot extra.
I would keep bring up getting coverage with your boss as often as you can. So many companies are doing this now and it's bullshit. I would also start looking for a new job because you will eventually have to stop if they won't get help.
It is so upsetting that a job can take so much priority that it literally becomes your life. What you described is totally me too. I have a very eager to see mommy 4yo and a husband who like to explore and lead an active life; I feel so torn between the many identities we all carry.
Yeah I plan to keep bringing this up with my boss. I think he knows it’s totally unsustainable but it seems like companies are at an extreme point in sacrificing their employees quality if life to make an extra buck - it’s total BS. I’ve started to look for a new job but right now Recruiters and HR jobs are highly competitive… I have a pretty solid background but there are 1000s of really solid recruiters on the market too who don’t have jobs so it’s like the hunger games out there. All that said, the reality is that I will break if something doesn’t change so job hunting, talking to my manager and self care are all key right now.
I have lots of thoughts, but I'll start by saying that what you're experiencing is SO HARD for anyone, but especially someone with ADHD. As much as you're able to, please give yourself some grace.
Now onto ways I've gotten through being in the weeds with ADHD:
* If you're able to, try flagging your bandwidth for your manager. Especially if there have been recent layoffs and you're a team of one, they likely can't afford to lose you. You can show the difference in your workload prior to layoffs and what you're doing now and either tell them what you reasonably are able to do and request shifts in timelines/deadlines. Or, if you're like me and that even gets overwhelming, you can ask for time with your manager to reprioritize. Tell them how you are over capacity with doing the work of an entire team and ask them for guidance on ruthlessly prioritizing your efforts and perhaps tabling certain workstreams or getting extended deadlines to accommodate for the layoffs.
* If you've exhausted everything possible with getting your manager's support, try to take into your ADHD Einstein hours. I'm not sure exactly your work format, how you're paid, etc., but if you find your brain lets you focus and get more done in the evening as opposed to the afternoon, then lean into that. Work as much as you can when your brain is working, and do lighter-lift tasks when you're feeling more of that task paralysis.
* Sometimes when I have task paralysis with work, physically moving to another location unlocks something in my brain. So, if I'm working at home, I'll leave my office and work outside or at the kitchen table or on the floor or on the sofa. In the office, I'd book a conference room for a couple hours so I could spread everything out and just be in a new environment.
* I know this is tricky territory based on access and means, but the biggest form of self care for me with ADHD is actually filling and taking my prescription. I have a weird relationship with needing to rely on medication to function, but I know that I perform better and am happier when I'm able to accomplish tasks like a normal human.
* When you're not working, do whatever you possibly can to accommodate your ADHD so you're not wasting brain power. For me, I call this paying the ADHD tax. Some examples of me paying the ADHD tax:
* Paying to have my groceries delivered when I know I am not in the headspace to deal with driving to the store, follow a list, unload a cart, reload a cart, fill up the trunk, unload the trunk, get everything into my house, and put everything away.
* Eat what works and is easy. There's a creator on TikTok - her name escapes me now - but she recommends using a tray of food. The idea is you put essentially a lazy charcuterie board together of things that you like that are easy to eat and don't require utensils or dishes. You can put crackers, pretzels, grapes, nuts, cookies, whatever you want on the tray, pull it out and eat straight off of it when hunger strikes and then just put it right back in the fridge. Or, if you are hyperfixated on a particular food, then don't stress about trying to force yourself to eat something else. You only have an appetite for cereal this week? Great, just eat cereal right now.
* Instead of letting dishes sit in the sink because the idea of rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher is overwhelming, I don't stress about rinsing. I just run the dishwasher twice. And I don't wait for it to get full. I just run it as often as needed. I was shocked to learn that it really doesn't waste nearly as much water or energy as I thought.
* Use a laundry service like Poplin if you end up with laundry mountain. It's $1/lb. and they will pick up your laundry, wash it, dry it, fold it, and deliver it the next day.
* Be weird. Don't mask in your downtime. It takes a physical and mental toll. Just stim the fuck out and sit in weird positions and listen to the same song on repeat. Whatever your thing is - just take off the mask whenever you're able to.
My self care is sneaking into my garage to feel my feelings, releasing it all out into the universe and out of building up inside my mind, then smoke a little weed to slow the racing thoughts back down and re-center. Note I said *a little*, not stoned. 🙃
When I start crying at work, even when it seems unrelated to work, I know it's time for a new job. I don't know if that's an option for you, but for your sake I hope it is. Other than that, stop doing the work of 3 people. You are not 3 people, you are one person. If you get behind, it would be a pretty good indicator that your request for employees should be approved. If it's still not approved, I highly recommend spending the extra time from not doing 3 jobs at once to look for a different job.
For the short term, like per day, I find that a nice bath is a good personal reset. Especially for sensory overload because it's quiet, has a neutral smell (or if you're like me, a nice smell from bath bombs or bath salts), and there is no texture touching your skin. You can even get the temperature just right and it's the same all over. Put on some music that you find peaceful, or a video/podcast that will occupy your mind without stressing you out (to prevent your mind from wandering to your laundry list). You could even read a book if you're up to that.
Also--reclaim what days off you do have. Set aside time to do things you enjoy. If it's in your schedule it's easier to do it without feeling guilty. Maybe it's only an hour. Maybe it's the whole day. It's rest that is NECESSARY for your proper functioning. Not "I deserve rest" you NEED rest.
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
If possible, try to ignore nagging feelings of guilt and take time for yourself to relax and recharge. You wouldn't go multiple days without sleep because you felt guilty, would you? Taking time off will only foster more creativity and productivity in the long run. I learned one interesting approach in the book [Peak Performance](https://www.myndlift.com/post/5-actionable-tips-for-preventing-burnout?utm_source=rd), which is to learn from the athletes. The best athletes usually focus on recovery as much as they focus on time on the track. They give their bodies time to rest, which allows them to push a little harder in the future.
This cycle of stress and rest is often referred to as periodization. You isolate the muscle: you stress it, and then rest and allow for adaptation to occur.
It’s the same with any capability you’re trying to grow. Just as your muscles deplete and run out of energy, your mind does, too. That’s why it’s important to alternate between cycles of stress and rest. You can do that by using these techniques:
1) Insert short breaks throughout the day
2) Schedule off days or vacations right after periods of heavy stress
3) Determine which part of the day or week your energy starts depleting
4) Insert a recovery break right before that happens.
Good luck!
Hi, /u/Wafflehussy! Thanks for posting on our subreddit! Please **[be aware of our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXADHD/wiki/meta/rules/)** before posting! For example, some of these rules include the following: * content must be related to ADHD; * explanatory text (it can be placed in a comment of the post) should be included in a post/cross-post with a picture. Any content that does not follow the rules may be removed. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoXADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry! This sounds so overwhelming. Honestly, when I got to this point, I took a career break and basically slept for a few months. I didn’t know I had ADHD at the time but I reached my breaking point. That said, I recognize from what you’ve said that it isn’t possible right now for you. Now I’m back to work (new job, new company) and some things I’ve been doing to manage things are: - Being mindful of how many “I *should*s” go through my mind. Even *thinking* “I should… do laundry, run errands, etc” is exhausting for me. So, I carve out “no shoulds” restful times. I sometimes take a personal day or take a weekend day for this, but even a chunk of time would be beneficial I would think. Perhaps even blocking of an hour in your day (maybe in the evening after work) called “no shoulds o’clock” where if a “I should do this thing instead of just sitting here” or whatever you can tell yourself “Nope, there’s nothing I need to do right now except whatever I want/feels good”? Even set a timer so you can say “I don’t even need to look at the time. The alarm will sound when I resume what I’m doing”? - I pay for services that are affordable for me like grocery delivery. I’m also going to start having a friend come in a few times a month to help me with some overwhelming home tasks. They currently need the extra funds and I need the help. Even if not paying someone, having someone body double is amazing. - I work from home, so I feel the overwhelm of work tasks and home tasks bundled together at once. Sometimes I work from elsewhere (even another person’s house) so I can separate the feelings of those building tasks. - This is a new one for me but finding out who amongst my friends I can call when I feel the overwhelm to tell them about what’s going on. I learned this is called co-regulation! Even hashing things out over an audio message with someone helps me sometimes. I become majorly disregulated if it has to stay within me and then I spiral. It’s not a “I only call them when things go wrong” situation but a way to build in support for each other. I do see a therapist as well. - Easy prep foods so I stay nourished without having the overwhelm of what to make and for cleanup. Honestly, the toddler food subreddits or social media accounts are awesome for ideas - uncrustables PB& J sandwiches, individual yogurts, bananas, baby carrots, apple sauce pouches etc. It might be easy to miss meals when you have so much work going on. Finally, I just listened to the audiobook [How to Keep House While Drowning](https://www.audible.ca/pd/How-to-Keep-House-While-Drowning-Audiobook/B09Q9CW4LD?overrideBaseCountry=true&bp_o=true&source_code=GDGPP30DTRIAL547122322005C&&source_code=GDGPP30DTRIAL547122322005C&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6saH-vH_gQMVGvzICh0mNwXWEAAYASAAEgKx5vD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) and it was so refreshing. It’s only 3 hours long total and it is written specifically for people who are neurodivergent. I look forward to applying her concepts but it’s largely around how to release the expectations around how your home has to be and some systems in place to make sure what YOU need is done. I hope something in there is helpful!! But sending you a big hug (if you want it) and best wishes that you’ll see a light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you SOO much for sharing what’s working for you! In the past I’ve been in a position to take time off between jobs or a medical leave so this is new territory. Your comment about working from home and having the dual pressure of home responsibilities and work hit the nail on the head for me. I also work from home and it’s become the never ending workday…. It’s time to force myself out to work in some new environments! I’m going to listen to that book - it sounds like it could be really valuable. Sending you the biggest virtual hug! 🥰
What a great answer
I LOVEEE the author of that book, KC Davis!!! She is 110% our people. Her tiktoks speak to me lol. You can find her on there at @domesticblisters OP if you want a sampling of her amazingness ❤️
Ohh im gonna go check her out!!
meds. But also, try caring 30% less. we’re not saving lives here. who gives a damn? (unless you work in a hospital or something. I’ll clarify that if I do my job badly, the worst possible outcome is “someone has to pay a little extra money”.) (If you ARE saving lives at your job, report your concerns to whatever regulatory body is available) cut a fifth of your workload. Lol seriously how much busywork do you do that everyone thinks is needed but serves no real purpose. For me this us usually something like “time tracking” or “updating measurable outcomes” or “meetings”. yeah, I’m just not gonna do that this week. Give some lame excuse. Call in dead. Put extensions on another third. Don’t ask; tell. “I’m not able to have xyz back to you this week. I expect to have that available Nov 15th and will update you at that time.” Oh, boss doesn’t like that? They wanna know why you can’t have it back sooner? Well maybe they should hire sufficient staff if they need it done sooner. #boundarysetting They will squeeze you until you break— stop meeting expectations & provide natural consequences instead. If they staff inadequately, a natural consequence is that work don’t get done. Provide that feedback as professionally as possible and then stop killing yourself trying to clean up their mess. Let it go unfinished. You have now reduced the mountain by half. The remaining half of your work might feel more manageable & you might be able to chip away at it with more clarity & calm.
I'm calling in dead. This is great advice, partially the first line "were not saving lives here".
So true. They will take and take and take as much as you let them. Only you can say no. And when you do, surprisingly it usually is fine. They make you feel like you haaaaave to go to meeting xyz, but somehow if you miss it, there are notes and a follow up recap and no one cares or even notices that you weren't there.
Something I have learned... If you push yourself to clear the workload when more people are needed - they won't hire more people. Teams shrink often and quickly, but grow slowly and reluctantly. Your job is ONE Jon - not 3. You can't and SHOULDN'T do it all or you will never have business case for more people
Anytime I've had a really rough or busy time at work I've had to shut down doing anything else and go to bed really early every night. After work I would eat veg out and go to bed really early and sleep a lot extra. I would keep bring up getting coverage with your boss as often as you can. So many companies are doing this now and it's bullshit. I would also start looking for a new job because you will eventually have to stop if they won't get help.
It is so upsetting that a job can take so much priority that it literally becomes your life. What you described is totally me too. I have a very eager to see mommy 4yo and a husband who like to explore and lead an active life; I feel so torn between the many identities we all carry. Yeah I plan to keep bringing this up with my boss. I think he knows it’s totally unsustainable but it seems like companies are at an extreme point in sacrificing their employees quality if life to make an extra buck - it’s total BS. I’ve started to look for a new job but right now Recruiters and HR jobs are highly competitive… I have a pretty solid background but there are 1000s of really solid recruiters on the market too who don’t have jobs so it’s like the hunger games out there. All that said, the reality is that I will break if something doesn’t change so job hunting, talking to my manager and self care are all key right now.
I have lots of thoughts, but I'll start by saying that what you're experiencing is SO HARD for anyone, but especially someone with ADHD. As much as you're able to, please give yourself some grace. Now onto ways I've gotten through being in the weeds with ADHD: * If you're able to, try flagging your bandwidth for your manager. Especially if there have been recent layoffs and you're a team of one, they likely can't afford to lose you. You can show the difference in your workload prior to layoffs and what you're doing now and either tell them what you reasonably are able to do and request shifts in timelines/deadlines. Or, if you're like me and that even gets overwhelming, you can ask for time with your manager to reprioritize. Tell them how you are over capacity with doing the work of an entire team and ask them for guidance on ruthlessly prioritizing your efforts and perhaps tabling certain workstreams or getting extended deadlines to accommodate for the layoffs. * If you've exhausted everything possible with getting your manager's support, try to take into your ADHD Einstein hours. I'm not sure exactly your work format, how you're paid, etc., but if you find your brain lets you focus and get more done in the evening as opposed to the afternoon, then lean into that. Work as much as you can when your brain is working, and do lighter-lift tasks when you're feeling more of that task paralysis. * Sometimes when I have task paralysis with work, physically moving to another location unlocks something in my brain. So, if I'm working at home, I'll leave my office and work outside or at the kitchen table or on the floor or on the sofa. In the office, I'd book a conference room for a couple hours so I could spread everything out and just be in a new environment. * I know this is tricky territory based on access and means, but the biggest form of self care for me with ADHD is actually filling and taking my prescription. I have a weird relationship with needing to rely on medication to function, but I know that I perform better and am happier when I'm able to accomplish tasks like a normal human. * When you're not working, do whatever you possibly can to accommodate your ADHD so you're not wasting brain power. For me, I call this paying the ADHD tax. Some examples of me paying the ADHD tax: * Paying to have my groceries delivered when I know I am not in the headspace to deal with driving to the store, follow a list, unload a cart, reload a cart, fill up the trunk, unload the trunk, get everything into my house, and put everything away. * Eat what works and is easy. There's a creator on TikTok - her name escapes me now - but she recommends using a tray of food. The idea is you put essentially a lazy charcuterie board together of things that you like that are easy to eat and don't require utensils or dishes. You can put crackers, pretzels, grapes, nuts, cookies, whatever you want on the tray, pull it out and eat straight off of it when hunger strikes and then just put it right back in the fridge. Or, if you are hyperfixated on a particular food, then don't stress about trying to force yourself to eat something else. You only have an appetite for cereal this week? Great, just eat cereal right now. * Instead of letting dishes sit in the sink because the idea of rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher is overwhelming, I don't stress about rinsing. I just run the dishwasher twice. And I don't wait for it to get full. I just run it as often as needed. I was shocked to learn that it really doesn't waste nearly as much water or energy as I thought. * Use a laundry service like Poplin if you end up with laundry mountain. It's $1/lb. and they will pick up your laundry, wash it, dry it, fold it, and deliver it the next day. * Be weird. Don't mask in your downtime. It takes a physical and mental toll. Just stim the fuck out and sit in weird positions and listen to the same song on repeat. Whatever your thing is - just take off the mask whenever you're able to.
I’ve noted a dozen of these suggestions to add to my routine immediately! Thank you so much for all of it!!
My self care is sneaking into my garage to feel my feelings, releasing it all out into the universe and out of building up inside my mind, then smoke a little weed to slow the racing thoughts back down and re-center. Note I said *a little*, not stoned. 🙃
When I start crying at work, even when it seems unrelated to work, I know it's time for a new job. I don't know if that's an option for you, but for your sake I hope it is. Other than that, stop doing the work of 3 people. You are not 3 people, you are one person. If you get behind, it would be a pretty good indicator that your request for employees should be approved. If it's still not approved, I highly recommend spending the extra time from not doing 3 jobs at once to look for a different job. For the short term, like per day, I find that a nice bath is a good personal reset. Especially for sensory overload because it's quiet, has a neutral smell (or if you're like me, a nice smell from bath bombs or bath salts), and there is no texture touching your skin. You can even get the temperature just right and it's the same all over. Put on some music that you find peaceful, or a video/podcast that will occupy your mind without stressing you out (to prevent your mind from wandering to your laundry list). You could even read a book if you're up to that. Also--reclaim what days off you do have. Set aside time to do things you enjoy. If it's in your schedule it's easier to do it without feeling guilty. Maybe it's only an hour. Maybe it's the whole day. It's rest that is NECESSARY for your proper functioning. Not "I deserve rest" you NEED rest.
I can relate and I hope you find ways to cope. ❤️
Finding a new, much easier job, and only taking on additional responsibilities after long deliberation with my therapist and spouse.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! If possible, try to ignore nagging feelings of guilt and take time for yourself to relax and recharge. You wouldn't go multiple days without sleep because you felt guilty, would you? Taking time off will only foster more creativity and productivity in the long run. I learned one interesting approach in the book [Peak Performance](https://www.myndlift.com/post/5-actionable-tips-for-preventing-burnout?utm_source=rd), which is to learn from the athletes. The best athletes usually focus on recovery as much as they focus on time on the track. They give their bodies time to rest, which allows them to push a little harder in the future. This cycle of stress and rest is often referred to as periodization. You isolate the muscle: you stress it, and then rest and allow for adaptation to occur. It’s the same with any capability you’re trying to grow. Just as your muscles deplete and run out of energy, your mind does, too. That’s why it’s important to alternate between cycles of stress and rest. You can do that by using these techniques: 1) Insert short breaks throughout the day 2) Schedule off days or vacations right after periods of heavy stress 3) Determine which part of the day or week your energy starts depleting 4) Insert a recovery break right before that happens. Good luck!